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Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with you is soul-destroying.
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Shame you’re Divorced

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What is Reiki www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Ever since launching The Divorce Magazine, one thing has become clear and obvious: being divorced is something to be ashamed off, it’s something that you want to hide as much as possible and it’s not a status you want to own or be associated with.

This has been indicated in two ways.

Firstly, I have been asked, over and over again why I chose to call this magazine, The Divorce Magazine.  Could I not find something more…gentle, nicer?

At a recent networking event one of the attendees informed me that she had been thinking of launching a magazine about divorce.

She went on to explain that she was still planning on doing so but she was going to call it something different, “something really lovely.  I find using the word divorce in the title a bit too harsh.  I wouldn’t want to be seen reading it.”

Secondly in the business world of Linkedin, some friends and acquaintances have said that they would rather not be connected to me because they didn’t want anything to do with Divorce to be seen as being part of their connections.  “People would begin to wonder what was going on in my marriage.” Or, “I don’t want potential employers or clients to see that I am connected to those working in divorce or separation.  It just doesn’t look good”

Finally and which is very closely tied to the previous point, is to do with Facebook.

my marriage
Being divorced is something to be ashamed off,

Facebook is more of a social site unlike Linkedin which is about business connections – you don’t talk about what you had for lunch here.

This is where you get personal and tell all that you want to all that are interested or not.  You show off your holiday photos and like and unlike other members posts, photos and videos.  And where Facebook is used for business purposes, the messages and posts are also more emotion based, intimate and friendly.

People see you and what you get up to and it is for this reason, as in the Linkedin point, that people have said they are reluctant to like the page because, again, “People will wonder what they have been up to what is going on in their lives.”

While I totally understand this, it just goes to show just how strong and negative a stigma divorce still holds in our lives, communities and society, so much so that your decision to hire someone or not will be based on her Linkedin connection to some who founded a magazine called “The Divorce Magazine.”

I recently wrote an article for the Huffington Post on a very similar subject but from a personal angle.

I find that unless we begin to look at divorce as part of our life’s journey, as something that happened but that doesn’t define us who we we are, then we will continue to hold it in darkness, in shame and in guilt.

We will continue to whisper about it and beat ourselves up when we go through it and label ourselves as “failed” in one of the biggest areas of our lives.

Unfortunately divorce is here and doesn’t seem to be going away.

Fortunately divorce is here so we have a means to right a wrong that would otherwise condemn some of us to lives of misery and sorrow for the sake of keeping up appearances.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Co-Parenting – Are you the Toxic Parent?

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Here’s an infographic showing toxic parent symptoms found in some co-parenting relationships soon after divorce and for a long time after.

To read the full article go to Soila Sindiyo – Huffington Post

Toxic ParentToxic ParentToxic Parent

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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source - BBC newsround

Almost Free Staycation Ideas for Single Parents

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One major effect of divorce is the decline in spending power.

Holidays in foreign lands may have become rarer as the purse strings are tightened which means that a day at London Zoo may feel like an evening at the Opera when you have to consider transport, lunch and entrance tickets.

But that doesn’t mean that an outing is out of the question and simply impossible.  There are actually plenty of things you can do in and around London that will cost you next to nothing or the price of a bus ticket.

Of course you will need lunch which you can always take from home along with some water – much cheaper than stopping on the way to buy sandwiches and fruit.

Well, here we go  – almost free staycation ideas for single parents:  most of them are about London as that’s where I live and know but I’m sure most major cities have similar opportunities.

  • House sit for a friend:  This can be fun even if it’s in your neighbourhood.  You know the old saying – a change is as good as a holiday.  I’ve tried it and loved it.  The positives were I knew where everything was in terms of shops and restaurants yet I really didn’t because they weren’t my usual hangouts but places I had driven past several times.  While in the house, discovering where the plates, spoons etc were made it feel like I was holidaying in some apartment somewhere else in the world.  I have to say that the fact that my friend’s apartment is simply gorgeous helped plenty!
  • Discover a new neighbourhood: If you live in a city as huge and spread out as London is, then I can bet you, no matter how long you’ve lived in here, there are areas that you have not been to.  Pick a borough or area, narrow it down to a particular neighbourhood and plan your journey from start to finish.  Go by bus if you can as this allows you to see much more as you travel.
  • Discover a new park or outdoor area:  There are 8 Royal Parks in London and ample more outdoor areas including
    Staycation Ideas for Single Parents www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
    Source – http://www.timeout.com/london/things-to-do/free-family-events-at-westminster-abbey

    commons, heaths and forests.  Pick one, heck, pick two, pack a lunch, walking shoes and go explore or just take your picnic rug and go sit and enjoy the view, people and various free events that are being held there.

  • Take a nice long walk along the closest river or body of water to you and enjoy a home prepared picnic while watching the ripples on the water and listening to others around you or just to the birds and nature.

So enjoying a staycation in your city doesn’t have to be long and boring or cost an arm and a leg.

Whatever you choose to do – enjoy to the fullest!

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

Don’t forget to subscribe to our youtube channel www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk  today

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4 Top Tips on Single Parent Holidays

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soila www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

When it comes to going on holiday as a single parent and for the first time, it may feel quite different, daunting and unfamiliar.

You may even find yourself looking over at other families and for a brief moment envying them for being “intact” and wanting “one of those.”  All very normal reactions.

I remember the first time I went on holiday with my girls, just us, no one else.  It was a self-catering holiday in Corsica.

It was fun, exciting but I did get extremely tired as all planning, looking after and decision making lay on my shoulders.  There was no one there to ask, “What do you think?”  or “Where shall we eat tonight?” That was hard.

But at the end of the day, when I lay my head on my pillow, I could only smile and feel happy, glad and grateful that I managed to do this and that my girls were having a good time.  It was truly worth it.

Those were also the moments where I would ask, “would I want to go back “there” and be married to him?”  I would imagine if him with us right now and an uneasy feeling would immediately wash over me and I knew what the answer was.

I would acknowledge the challenges but be grateful for the opportunities of a new life that I alone can create and write.

If you’re going on holiday for the first time this year as a single parent here are some things you might want to keep in mind:

4 Top Tips on Single Parent Holidays:

  • If you want an easy life, choose an age appropriate destination that your children will love and enjoy. Don’t take a toddler to walk the beautiful ancient streets of Rome.  That’s asking for trouble. Water and child focused events and activities are all that matter to them.
  • Tips on Single Parent Holidays You will find it awkward not being with your ex-partner at times but that’s normal and that’s ok.  Remember that one time it was you, as a family, where the other people are around you are, but you were unhappy.  Would you want to go back there?  Not for anything I would assume.  Isn’t it funny how you notice other families on holiday much more now than when you were married?
  • Don’t feel guilty if you go to a hotel and drop your child at the holiday activities centre from 9 – 5.  If your child wants to go, let them.  Hurrah for you! They will have a blast and you can sit, breathe, swim and do what you want, all the while knowing that they are having a great time.  Enjoy.  When you come together at the end of the day, they will be able to share the most wonderful stories with you!
  • If you forget some important something or other at home, like your child’s favourite teddybear, it’s ok.  It may be hard at first but they will manage.  Don’t be too hard on yourself because you forgot his/her pyjamas but brought yours.  It’s fine.  It happens.  You had plenty to organise and think about, forgetting a couple of things is really not a big deal.

Single parent holidays can be fun if you keep your child’s age and interests in mind.  So enjoy, have fun and don’t feel too bad if at times you wish you had stayed at home and that you really don’t like your children and wonder, out loud, why you even bothered!

It’s normal, very normal because at the end of the day, we are only human!

Enjoy!

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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family mediation

Create and Embrace your Parenting Plan!

Published on
www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

There are so many positives to co-parenting that I remain amazed at why people resist it so much that they would rather go to court and allow for a judge, a perfect stranger to the children, to decide where they will live, with whom and for how long.

Most parents are very, very capable of creating a parenting plan that’s just right for them and their little ones yet, they choose to be blinded by the anger and resentment that they feel towards their exes.  They choose to allow these emotions to rule over the lives and destinies of their children

To be fair, it’s not easy to tame those hugely negative emotions and thoughts long enough to allow for a parenting plan to be created and it’s contents put in motion but it’s not impossible and it’s crucial to do so.

Why Create and Embrace your Parenting Plan!

– A parenting plan means that you don’t have to go down the parenting route alone. There’s a reason why single parents long for “just 5 mins” to themselves. I love my girls dearly, but I still do long for “my” weekends and “my” holidays where I get time alone while they are with someone whom I know will give them the time of their lives because, whether I like it or not, he too loves them just as much as I do.

– Most things school are shared.  Whatever issues, concerns and trouble come up, you don’t have to deal with on your own.  Think of those huge school projects which your child can do with his other parent over the weekend.

parenting plan
Parenting plans allow you to have some precious time to yourself.

– Best of all, co-parenting ensures that I will never have to answer any questions about daddy.  They will grow up knowing him well.  A parenting plan that is created with the children in mind allows for everyone to be happy.

If you don’t want to come face to face with your ex, then arrange for the exchange and transition to happen at school.  You drop them off and he picks them up at the end of the day and vice versa.

Your divorce has happened.  You have children.  You both love them dearly and want to spend time with them.  Well, unless there’s an issue around safety then creating a parenting plan can allow for this to happen.

If your mission is to make is as hard as possible for your ex to see the children for no other reason other than the fact that you hate him/her then realise that you are not doing your children any favours.  Put yourself in their situation and for one minute try and imagine what they might be feeling or going through.

It may not be easy create that parenting agreement right now but it’s not impossible and can be massively, massively rewarding for all concerned, especially your little ones.

Make it easier on you and your children. Create that parenting plan and learn to embrace it, enjoy it and live it!

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Parental Alienation Success Stories

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Linda and Dad - courtesy of Linda Gottlieb

I came across this wonderful piece by Linda Gottlieb while browsing the internet.  I was so touched by it because I know a few of my own friends who are still living through this period of parental alienation.

They long for the day that they will be able to do something as simple as help their children with homework.

I’m sure there are many other parental alienation success stories and I will keep looking for them so that we can share them with you.

– Soila

To My Daddy

July 18, 2012 (Happy Birthday, Dad!)

So, Daddy, on your 92nd birthday, let us celebrate it by my telling all my Facebook friends how we reconnected.

I came to live with you in the Bronx after graduating Teaneck high School, New Jersey, in order to attend college at CCNY, which required New York City residency and was the only college plan available to me.

I moved in with you feeling great anxiety because I had been brainwashed to hate you.

I can remember that feeling as if it were yesterday. But I also remember that the hatred evaporated virtually overnight when you enveloped me with your love, your passion, your commitment, and your support.

Because of the PAS, my concentration and focus had unquestionably been compromised on my studies throughout middle school and high school.

As a result, my cognitive (and emotional) abilities were underdeveloped. Quite frankly, I do not know how I had been accepted into CCNY. But, Daddy, you quickly compensated for those deficits. You became my freshman tutor, and I believe we negotiated my freshman coursework together!

You inspired me, encouraged me, tweaked some of my work here and there, and refused to accept my insecurities.

Linda and her dad - www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Linda and her dad – courtesy of Linda Gottlieb

What I particularly remember, as if it had also occurred yesterday, was my freshman English 101 class: for the first assignment, I had to write a composition about what I hoped to gain from the class.

You wrote the last sentence of that composition (the statue of limitations on cheating for that course has long passed!) as follows:

“Dear Professor, my goal for this class is therefore to avoid meeting you on the battlefield of the split infinitive, dangling participle, and misplaced modifier.”

I did not have the foggiest idea what those concepts meant! But in your infinite wisdom, Daddy, you recognized that it was imperative to teach me the meanings as you were sure my professor would question me about it.

And that is exactly what happened: he returned the composition stating that he had had a good chuckle upon reading it, and then stated that the class deserved to appreciate and chuckle about the composition as well.

He directed me to read the paper allowed to my classmates and then explain the meaning of the closing sentence.

Daddy, you became so enthusiastically supportive of my education in my freshman, that when I expected receipt of a grade on a paper, you would greet me at the front door upon my returning home, and you would ask me, “What did WE get?”

I would trade a year off my life for just one more composition to write together. I love you more today than yesterday. Happy Birthday, your appreciative daughter, Linda.

If you would like to know more about Linda please do visit her website  – www.endparentalalienation.com

Click on the link below to get Linda’s book from Amazon

linda gottlieb -Book Cover

www.amazon.co.uk/Parental-Alienation-Syndrome-Collaborative-Amelioration/

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What is Parental Alienation?

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

What is Parental Alienation?

Let me tell you a story about someone I know personally.

He is a good dad, separated from his wife but sees his son as often as possible or when mum permits it.

His son, let’s call him Sammy, is now 10 years old.  His parents separated when he was a toddler.

Sammy has never had a sleep over at his dad’s who lives less than an hour away and they have never been on holiday together. Mum always tags along.

She, however, can go on holiday without as much of a word to my friend and explain to Sammy that “Daddy said he doesn’t want to come.”

Since the separation, my friend  he has been painted as the disciplinarian, the mean one, the one who is capable of abducting him.

When he is called over to fix the computer or put up shelves etc, my friend will rush over because he knows he will get to see his son.

It’s the comments from mum, while he is there, that really get to him.  “Daddy does try to fix things but he really isn’t that good is he Sammy?”

“Look, daddy’s late again.  He is always late.  When will you make it on time just so that your son doesn’t have to be kept waiting?”

My friend receives calls from his ex-wife when their son  misbehaves and needs to be disciplined.

He only gets to see his son when mum says it’s ok and for only a few hours because she is convinced and has managed to convince Sammy too, that my friend will abduct him.

She has even given her son skills on “how to get away from daddy  incase he tries to take you away by force” and warned him against making daddy angry because he can get really mad!

My friend rarely knows what’s happening at school in terms of performances, sports days etc which means he is usually unable to attend.  –  “Daddy was busy.”

My friend has now taken to speaking with the school directly to get the information for himself.

On and on goes the “brainwashing” so it was no wonder that for the longest time Sammy  very rarely looked forward to seeing daddy and spending anytime with him. Most of the time he would insist that mummy comes too – obviously as a means for him to feel safe.

Interesting thing is that, Sammy is now able to voice his feelings and ask questions that are bugging him.  With the answers he is getting, the picture that his mother has painted for him all this time is beginning to look a little dubious and questionable.

Sammy is growing up.

How will his mother explain her actions and words to him.  She interfered with their relationship and created a monster in Sammy’s eyes.

Before long, he will realise just what type of person she really is.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Prenuptial Agreements Uk

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Soila and  Austin Chessell discuss prenuptial agreements UK here.

  • Why have a prenuptial agreement?
  • What is a prenup?
  • Is a prenup legally binding?
  • When will a prenup not be upheld?
  • What is a post-nup?
  • Can you sign an pre-nup agreement after the wedding?
  • Can you do a DIY pre-nup?
  • What if a pre-nup is not fair? Can it be upheld?
  • Is there a standard prenuptial agreement form?
  • How important are prenuptial agreements?


Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Dr John Gottman on Predicting Divorce

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine

There’s a fantastic book I’ve been reading by Dr John Gottman called The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work (even as a divorced mum, is never too late to read:-)

I came across him and his work whilst reading a book by Malcolm Gladwell called Blink – which is about the feelings and thoughts you get in the first two seconds of meeting someone or seeing something for the first time.  Fabulous book which is, as always, brilliantly recounted in that Malcolm Gladwell style.

But back to Dr Gottman and his book.

What is remarkable about Dr Gottman’s work is that through his research he is now able to watch a couple’s interaction for  just fifteen minutes and he is able to  predict with 90% accuracy if their marriage will remain intact or not by observing not only the language, tone and manner of speaking to one another but also physical behaviour and reactions such as facial expression, body language, heartbeat and galvanic skin responses.

There are 6 signs that help predict a relationship demise but I will cover just one of them and very briefly just to give you an idea of what he says.  This particular Predictor is called  “The Four Horsemen” – very apocalyptic.

  • Criticism

  • Defensiveness

  • Contempt

  • Stonewalling

Enter the first horseman Criticism:   Now there’s a difference between a complaint and criticism.  A complaint refers to something specific about the person you live with e.g. “I’m not happy that you forgot to take the rubbish out last night.”  We all have complaints and our partners have them about us too.    Criticism on the other hand is a blanket that we throw over the person’s personality or character.  “You forgot to take the rubbish out again last night.  You keep doing it and it’s very selfish of you.  You only think about yourself, very selfish.”

And when this happens, more often than not the partner receiving the criticism is pushed into what is the second horseman – defensiveness where the he/she replies by defending their actions and portraying themselves as a victim and by doing this, points the finger back at his/her partner.  “Well, I come home late most evenings too tired to even think.  Your at home so you know best what needs to be done and when.  This is another way of stating –  “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.”

Predicting Divorce
Contempt: The Worst of the Four Horsemen – Predicting divorce

The third horseman, and the most destructive is Contempt  this is  “any statement you make to your partner from a superior place.  So most of the time you speak down at them.”  I know of a couple where the husband would regularly correct his wife’s grammar in the middle of an argument.  Contempt is  is poisonous to any relationship and will always lead to more conflict.

Contempt maybe demonstrated verbally or physicalyl or both  and may include sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery and hostile humour.

Now what is interesting here too is that it has been found that the recipient of regular contempt is more likely to get a number of infectious diseases as his/her immune functioning weakens.

“Contempt is fuelled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner.  You’re more likely to have such thoughts if your differences are not resolved.”  Pg 31

The final horseman, Stonewalling, is where one partner withdraws from the conflict, where he or she just tunes out and is predominantly a male thing.  Although stonewallers may appear calm by the time they tune out, Dr Gottman found that they were far from this clearly indicated by their elevated heart rates.  When interviewed later, the stonewallers reported that they were stonewalling as a means of calming themselves down and avoiding conflict but by doing so, they are also avoiding their marriage as things are more likely to be left unresolved and are left to fester and grow, finally erupting at a later time.

Whilst Criticism, Defensiveness and Contempt maybe present earlier on in a relationship, Stonewalling tends to come later on and is rarely found among newlyweds.   The first three horsemen tend to be the path that lead to Stonewalling as all the negativity built over the years pave the way to Stonewalling as means of coping.

As I mentioned, there are other predictors of divorce and you only have to read Dr Gottman’s book to see and understand where you may be or may have contaminated your marriage or relationship.

I hate to say it but it really does take two.

About Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Parental Alienation Syndrome – PAS

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This is Adolf’s Story.

Once again, I (Soila) am in touch with a desperate father, whose children have been taken away from him.

If you’re the alienating parent, I would be so very interested in understanding why you have chosen this for your children.  Maybe I am missing something?  I am aware that there are certain times and circumstances where contact with one parent is better off not happening as in the case of abuse and/or safety issues.

But if you’re ex partner is actually a good enough father/mother who wants and tries to give your child similar things that you give him/her, then why interfere with that relationship that is ever, ever, so important to your child’s wellbeing and development?

If there are no concerns with regards to real safety for your child, how will you later explain to your son/daughter why they couldn’t see daddy/mummy after the divorce?  Will they listen and say, “Oh I see and understand.  Thank you for keeping me away from him/her.  You did me so much good.”

Do you think that one day this video could be about your child, by your child?

Have you heard of Parental Alienation Syndrome?  Is this what is happening here?

Are you a part of the group of adult children of parental alienation?  What would you tell a mum/dad who is currently alienating the children from the other parent?

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Parental Alienation
Marie Abanga

Ignoring the ‘Little’ Signs of Domestic Abuse!

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Marie Abanga
Marie Abanga

In a typical African setting, we would hardly ever hear of domestic abuse. Frankly, I never thought I was being abused until my health started to deteriorate.

When Soila told me the theme of the week on the Divorce Magazine, I knew I had to write an article on this ‘semi-taboo’ topic. It is still a kinda hushed topic because of all the emotions, hurt, shame and you name the rest that come with the abuse.

To make matters worse, sometimes, the abused spouse doesn’t even know what to do or whom to turn to. The spouse cannot leave or doesn’t want to because we may think and hope the situation changes. In my case also, I thought of my kids and what people will say.

Soila once shared a you tube clip of a ted talk on why a spouse (In this case and as often, the woman), stayed although she was grossly abused.

Another contributor also wrote an article on ending the paralysis of shame in abuse cases and yet another on the early signs of domestic abuse.

I will therefore, and as usual, share my own story with abuse and how I ignored what started out as ‘little’ abuse to culminate in some physical abuse and outright violation of my body and our bedroom.

It started out as a ‘cold war’ 

We may think of the historic cold war and yes that started out over some incident and then carried on and manifested itself in different ways, causing ‘stress’ to the parties.

In my case, I wanted for us to talk and my ex husband didn’t want any ‘communication’. It hurt me terribly that the man I had ‘gotten’ to marry me, couldn’t even talk with me. It tormented me when he would receive an excellent grade at pretending in front of guests and family that we were doing just fine.

Today, I see those episodes as mental abuse. I must admit we ended up abusing each other because I gave up trying to talk and in retaliation refused to speak with him in public although he would have preferred that I ‘fake along’!

The Verbal Abuse Starts

Imagine those heated discussions in the bedrooms between two people who can’t stand each other but don’t know what next?

I think my husband felt hurt too at my behaviour during our “Cold War” and so wanted to show me who he really was. He threatened to beat me up and insulted me over and again especially saying how fat and ugly I had become and how little I brought in as income and much more. Of course I responded too and told him all the nasty things which hurt a man’s ego. What could I do? Who could I turn to? Our relationship was already deep in crisis then but society demands of a woman to bear all that at least for the children’s sake.

When the physical abuse started and I had to do something

As if that was not enough, my ex husband decided to give me a beating one day. I almost lost an eye!  Could I retaliate? Hell no!

Did I tell my mother? Oh Yes and what did she say – oh don’t get him angry again!

Early Signs of Domestic Abuse

When the abuse gets physical, there is no turning back. He has done it once, he will probably do it again and again unless…

I remember one episode as recounted in my book, when I locked the door of the room and hid the key with the hope of forcing my ex husband to have a conversation. He first gave me a sound slap, then he broke the door, then he kicked and pulled me out with my hair and throwing me away in the sitting room, screaming he no longer wanted to see me in our bedroom.

Unfortunately, my sons witnessed all this.  They were the ones that got him to let go off my hair.

That room stayed without a door for three good months although I slept in there.

When such incidents happens and your spouse still demands sexual intercourse and forcefully gets onto you, I wonder what more we have to undergo before we save ourselves?

In Europe, there are several helplines and shelters but if every domestic abuse incident was ever to be reported, these shelters and helplines would definitely be overwhelmed.   Still, I sincerely think it is vital for the victim to attend to that very first abusive incident and not ignore it wishing it won’t happen again.

By the time I took the decision that I was leaving that marriage, we had already sufficiently abused each other, I had been violated, I had become so filthy within and without, I think I was more angry at my self than at anybody else.

It took courage and determination. I knew the rejection I was going to face for leaving and eventually telling my story. Yet I am healing and getting much better and so can we all.

Marie Abanga – Follow Marie on Twitter

Author of My Unconventional Loves: My Hurts, My Adulteries, My Redemption

 

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How to be Happy Alone

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We speak with Rebecca Norrington – the Happiness Specialist.

Coping with divorce or dealing with divorce can be hard but it can be done and you can be happy again.  So many of us are constantly in pursuit of happiness and Rebecca shares with us in these three videos how we can achieve happiness again.

The founder of The Divorce Magazine, Soila and Rebecca share some of their own personal experiences of divorce, anger and shame.

  • How do we deal with a conflictual ex-partner, friends and family? (Video 1)
  • How do we deal with anger? (Video 1 and 2)
  • Do I keep playing the blame game with all that happens around me? (Video 2)
  • What about forgiveness?  How to Forgive and How to Forgive Yourself (video 3)
  • How does self-awareness help you when in pursuit of happiness?
  • How to be Happy Alone
  • How to be happy always

Divorce and failure go together and throw in shame too and it can be hard to cope and move on from that broken relationship. Unsuccessful marriages are common but you don’t have to carry it with you forever.

Having inspiring thoughts that uplift can help. Negative thoughts hold you back and keep you low. Acceptance is the key. It has happened and that’s just how it is.

How to be Happy Alone

Follow Rebecca Norrington – Twitter  | Facebook | YouTube

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