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Selling your House after Divorce

Selling your House after Divorce – How to do it Quickly

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Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

During divorce, the marital home may be put up for sale with both parties splitting the proceeds.

A quick sale that takes place before the divorce is finalized is ideal.

Our house sold a few months after we got our divorce decree and I insisted upon having our solicitors distribute the money from the sale. We had at least one meeting with them after our divorce, until the sale of the house.

Here are some easy and quick ways to increase your chances and speed of selling your house after divorce during this transition.

  • Select a realtor with a great track record for finding buyers for newly listed property. The average time in the UK for a house to sell is four months. In London and the South East of England, property tends to sell quicker, often under two months. It can take six months or longer in Wales, Scotland, and the Northern part of England. How fast the property sells depends upon the demand in your area. My solicitor chose our realtor due to speedy property sales with her previous family law clients. She was in a big realty company with a vast network.
  • Buy faucets to update your house or flat and give it a newer appearance. My friend had to sell her house soon after her divorce decree to relocate and hired a plumber to replace the faucets. She felt that these shiny new ones got her house sold in days. Getting new toilet seats, shower curtain or other small items, aids in sprucing up the property for minimal cost.
  • Get rid of clutter and many personal items. Have a home for incoming paper work, books, toys, and so forth so they are not scattered around. Take a large bin or laundry basket and thin out books from shelves and clothes from closets. Store boxes and bins at your parent’s house temporarily. The point is to make your home look spacious by removing a lot of your stuff. When eliminating personal photos and travel souvenirs from your place, it helps potential buyers to imagine how their own things will look in this new home.
  • Some people in my area hire “stagers” who come in and give suggestions on making simple changes with décor to increase the potential for sales. In one case a navy bedspread was changed for a cream one, since the former one made the bedroom seem like it had a black hole. They have suggested removing extra paintings to give a room a focal point. Stagers look at what you already own and mainly work with these pieces to help your property look more enticing.
  • How is the curb appeal? There is a house in my neighbourhood that has been on the market for over a year for one simple reason. The paint is peeling on the wood trim around the windows and porch area. For less than £200, it could be scraped and repainted. The yard looks unappealing with overgrown shrubs and high weeds. If a neighbour kid was paid £25 that problem could be fixed easily. Remove any dead shrubs and tidy up the flower beds for an instant transformation.
  • Do not only rely on your realtor. Take photos of your home and put it up on social media with your realtor’s contact information. Consider placing an ad in your local paper if your realtor is not doing that. Let everyone you come in contact with know about your property, from co-workers to your favourite barista at Costa Coffee.
  • Price your house realistically. Go in the medium range for a faster sale. Our realtor wanted way too low and I said “Let’s give it two weeks at this higher price” and it sold for above my suggested one. We had to have an almost immediate sale in my acrimonious divorce. My ex would only stay in collaborative if he could move back into this empty house with me paying half of the mortgage if it did not sell within three months. The realtor and I were afraid that my ex would sabotage the selling of the house once he moved back in. Even my ex’s own solicitor was giving me advice how to get a quick sale, including burying a  statue of St. Joseph on the property.  St. Paul’s Bookstore on Cookridge Street in Leeds, sells “St. Joseph Home Sellers Kit” with precise instructions on how to “evoke the help of St. Joseph” in quickly selling your house. Good luck!

These strategies also work well if you have to sell a parent’s house so that they can go into assisted living or when downsizing with an Empty Nest.

My friends and family were lighting candles in church for a quick sale. Remember to celebrate when your house sells and you divide the money.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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coping with infidelity

Infidelity? – It’s none of my business

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SuzyMillerBW-WebThe shock of the breakup was so sudden, so extreme, that normal behaviour would have seemed inappropriate.

The events that lead up to it should have left clues, but they didn’t register: The bank letters addressed in his name that I didn’t open because I’d learned that it was, apparently, none of my business how he kept missing the payments on the credit cards.

The time he spent at the local pub which was natural for a hard working man, to need space away from our three young children after a long day on the factory floor.

I, remote and oblivious to the inebriated courting dance he was playing out across the bar room tables with the publican’s girlfriend, while I breastfed on the move, trying in vain to create a comfortable calm space for their tired father to return home to each night, rambling on when he finally did deposit himself on the sofa inert to my words, to drifting past him like distant lights.

I was unaware in my lactating, nappy changing, 10- cups- of- cold- tea- littering-every-mantlepiece daily life, that a monologue does not constitute a conversation; waffling on about the latest gleaning from Radio 4 heard only in snippets due to the constant interruptions from child no 1, 2 or 3 – the eldest only recently having turned 6, and the youngest just having finally decided to move under his own steam.

I had learned over the 10 years to listen intently to his tales of door manufacturing, details that after a day with the children, seemed quite fascinating – but to mind my own business when it came to more esoteric concerns such as what dreams were held for the future, what adventures lay ahead, until the future became a place I felt in no hurry to get to.  Which is why I now thank God that it was so abruptly pillaged.

And then one night it all exploded.  The infidelity. The shame. The utter confusion. The end.

My response was not normal behaviour.

I forced myself to return to the Pub where the young woman who had stolen what I had mistaken for my life – then promptly returned the goods, spoiled – would scuttle upstairs as I took courage from a friend at my side, refusing to use the other perfectly good pubs in the village when I could show my resilience by using this one.

I did not scream or rail at her – but instead made it plain that she had ‘done me a favour’ and pretended to ignore the agony of guilt that tortured her every time I walked into her domain.  It was a civilised sort of revenge.

Nine and a half years later, I’m dancing with my friends at a local hooley.

Love and pain and joy has moulded my spirit and form these last years in such a way that it is now impossible for me to regret any of it, even the parts that caused all that agony of 9 and a half years ago.  Forgiveness foiled by a lack of forgetting, yet a shift in consciousness that made the person I had once been seem like a stranger to me.

Infidelity
We had to sell the house for debts. Debts I didn’t know we had.

And now there she stood in front of me.  Breathing a little too heavily for someone who had been standing still for an hour building up the courage to come up and make her approach.

I stopped dancing, and recognised her immediately as the lost girl who had come so close to taking everything I had – which at the time did seem like everything.

Physically she had taken him, and had been about to run away and marry him, leaving me with my name not on the mortgage and no marital bonds to protect my interests, with three small children living in a house that, with one swift secret runaway to Gretna Green, she would have then owned half of.

But luckily, as I suppose it was luck, my children’s father confessed to his new love that he had hidden debts, the gnawing canker of which was eating at his mind and spirit until running away to Scotland with her had actually seemed a good idea.

That night 9 and a half years ago the truth came out and, as the truth invariably does, it changed everything.

He had confessed his debt, first to her, and then later to me.  Unloaded it as if it were a terrible curse, and yet it was the performance around it that had caused the real injury.  And she had decided swiftly that he should return home, and she returned to the bed of her partner as if nothing had happened.

But it had happened, and I was never one to stick my head in the sand or put on dark glasses when the truth was glaring me in the eyes like the eruption of an exploding supa nova.

I was now a single mum, and he was equally alone, flailing around in the shock and confusion that is the territory of family breakup.

“I’ve been watching you for an hour” she said, her voice trembling, out of sorts with the joyous dancing of adults and children that surrounded us.  “I was too afraid to come up to you”.

‘Afraid’ I thought.  It seemed odd.  After all these years of working through the anger, the hatred, the indignation.  She was the one who was afraid?  We had not ended our relationship on angry terms.

“He’s yours if you want him,” I had told her that night before I moved out to begin my new life.  “Just make up your mind.

He’s losing the plot and I need him to keep his head together.  We have to sell the house for debts.  Debts I didn’t know we had.”  And neither had she known, for if she had perhaps the incentive for that illicit temporary love would have remained a bar-room daydream.

Before the mountain of loans and unpaid credit cards were laid out on the table, for that one night it seemed she had all that she so wanted.  The package was meant to include a house, and children ready made and no doubt more to come.  It is not unusual for a woman longing for what she has not got, to try to substitute herself for a woman who does have what she wants.

Infidelity
I carried on dancing. There was no need to forgive…

And yet ironically, in the destruction that followed, I found slowly over the years that my precious treasures were not attached to any bricks and mortar, nor pension plan, nor sharing a bed with my children’s father.  I had gained, not lost, over those years.

Without a second thought, I hugged her, and immediately shouted in her ear above the roar of the band “It’s all water under the bridge”.

“You look amazing” she said.  She must have expected my nearly 49 years to have left me more scarred.

“I’m happy!” I roared, and carried on dancing.  And I meant it.  There was no fakery here.  There was no need to forgive either.  I had acceptance, and that was doing the job nicely thank you.  I was driving home later that night so alcohol can not be blamed for my actions.

I read once that “happiness is the best revenge”, and I remember years ago longing for that revenge to come to pass – and now it had.  And yet something nagged at me over the following days.

Why after all this time, would she be so afraid to come and say hello?  I had given her no reason to feel that fear.  It had all been most amicable – apart from torturing her with guilt by my persistent presence in the pub all those years before.  And my true rage and pain had found other ways to express itself over the ensuing years.

It bothered me, that she should be carrying that unease for so many years, while I had shed mine.

It gave me no pleasure, to see no tangible sign of her having attained those treasures that must have seemed within her grasp, which I had kept in the bank with added interest despite the destruction of my world as I knew it.  A sense of annoying arrogance nibbled.

And then I remembered something.

All those years of wondering why.  Of wondering how I could have loved a man who so easily seemed to transfer his love – temporarily – to another.  Why she had crept into my house when I was out, to be with him, the children asleep upstairs.  Why such sacrilege?  Why me?

But learning to leave the victim’s soft mink-lined slippers at the temple door, and walk barefoot instead as the creator of my own life, responsible not for all the events that befall me, but at least for the way I respond to them, this had led me to many teachers.  And one recent workshop had offered a real gem.

When wondering about an ex partner, or any other person who tramples on your heart, remember this mantra as you go around in circles making up stories about how they think or feel, or what motives them:

“I don’t know”.  

Because we don’t know.  We can create a thousand theories but really, we just don’t know why another person thinks or feels or acts the way they do.  Because they are not us.

I hope that the trembling woman, now in her forties, who seemed partly relieved, partly unnerved by my reaction to her appearance after all these years, will not let the past hold her back from her future.  But the fact is, I don’t know, and the truth is, it’s just none of my business.

Suzy Miller

Creator of Alternative Divorce Guide

 

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divorce advice uk
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Divorce Advice UK – Practical Tips When Facing a Divorce

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Practical Tips Women Should Know When Facing a DivorceAre you facing a divorce now or planning to file for one to end your current relationship? Whatever the case and your grounds may be, if it is inevitable, it is imperative that you think very carefully about it and find out ways on how to deal and proceed with it.

Getting a divorce is never easy. It causes negative impacts to the individuals affected by the situation. But it can be overcome. Learn to face the situation with the help of the following tips below:

  • Consult and talk sincerely with a divorce lawyer or family lawyer.

If you know other women who have faced a divorce in the past, ask for recommendations for a good attorney who can help you with your case. If one of your friends is a lawyer, you might also want to consider seeking his or her guidance and recommendations. Check backgrounds, reputations, and success rates.

Some lawyers provide free initial consultations and fees at affordable rates, so better ask them before signing them for your case. It is integral that you understand the laws governing divorce in your state because each one is somehow different from the other. It also is very important that you understand how each law applies to your situation.

  • Explore mediation if the separation is good-natured.

You can find expert counselors that can guide you through mediating with the other party involved in the case. This is imperative for parties that find it hard to seek common ground or an agreement. If you think you can do it without professional help, remember that initial consultations are still better conducted with experts to ensure the stability of the process. Your own attorney should also be able to review the grounds to make sure that your personal interests are not taken for granted as well as your child’s, if you have any.

  • Seek legal advice before moving out of your house.

Before leaving the house, always seek the advice of legal counsel. If you have any safety concerns, look into what restraining orders you can file or any order that can protect you while you are living in your current home.

Some women think that moving out and leaving their children in the hands of their spouses is the best solution. This is a terrible one, to be honest. Be very smart and explore any consequences and alternatives that will best suit your predicament.

  • Cooperation will not always last.

Women should understand that things could be friendly on the initial phases of the process and get sour along the way. This is natural. Be very mindful and tread the path carefully. Never set out into the field looking for war. Look for grounds that satisfy the interests of both parties.

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visitation and parenting after separation

Unplanned Solo Parenting

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It’s a January morning in 2003 and I can’t bring myself to take the kids to school. What will I say when someone asks me “How are you?” The answer, you see, is just not the stuff of polite conversation.

“W E L L… My partner of ten years has just dumped me.

“I was supposed to live with him into old age. I had no idea he wasn’t happy.

“I loved the bastard.

“But that was only the half of it – he has dumped me with three kids under seven.

“With not enough savings to build a realist future…..

“With no job.

“With a house that was going to be sold to pay off debts.

“With no pension.

“With a fortieth birthday coming up that year…..

“Fuckin’ hell.”

Its now almost a year later. I’ve been in the bath, listening to Alanis Morissette and her passionate angry lyrics, and trying to cry. This is one of my latest self-help ventures, a continuation of productive attempts to turn a major emotional disaster into a life enhancing success. Getting to where I am now has been an interesting process.

Alanis is singing it all for me – “I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone” (in my case it felt more like a machete job); “waiting for deliverance” (the “oh God somebody please come and rescue me” stage); “I don’t want to be a band-aid if the wound is not mine” (Jesus – how can he save me – he’s got more emotional baggage than I have!); “The cross I bare that you gave to me” (No-one can do that victim-thing better than a woman scorned).

Anger and pain that seemed to shred me from the inside out. A slow, crippling, crumbling of the core of my body that I didn’t even know existed within me. For me, this was my first taste of bereavement.

Obviously, after all that had happened, my shattered sense of self worth was screaming for a shag – but fortunately, the offers on hand were by people who seemed even more lost and confused than I was. I managed to steer clear – more by luck than judgement – through that first clichéd hurdle.

I went through the “oh, he’s bound to realise what he’s done and try to make another go of it” phase. But he didn’t. Meanwhile, I was experiencing the early stages of panic attacks, and a weird sensation that time was moving far more slowly than it ever had before.

It finally dawned on me – I was in grief. I had never had any one truly close to me die before, but this was the closest thing. I had lost a whole life – past and future. Gone in an incomprehensible instant. Always thinking it might reappear around the next corner – but gradually realising that that part of me was gone forever. So I did what my many wise friends were encouraging me to do – I got real.

I had the blessing of so many fantastic friends – friends I didn’t even know I had – who gave so much more than just emotional support and the time to listen.

They were brave enough to be honest with me – comments like “God, what’s happened to you is so awful I can’t help laughing” were strangely helpful.

I also loved the response from one dear friend, after the guilt I had been feeling of dumping such awful news on my family and friends. When I told her that I was now joining the club of single motherhood, she said with great passion and absolutely no tact – “FANTASTIC!”

But my friends also prevented my tackling of the mundane realities – possible financial holocaust; children torn out of school – from leaving me devoid of hope, and they helped me to believe that the world still had some good stuff waiting for me up ahead.

I was fighting. I moved out, got a place to rent, started panicking about my future.

But I was still the victim fighting against the odds – and the trouble with that is you just never get your act together, because it’s always someone else’s fault. It’s only when you face up to the horrifying reality of a situation that you can truly take it in hand – and own it.

You make it your own.

It’s no-one else’s fault or responsibility if you don’t make things work out. I looked the worse case scenarios of every aspect of my life right in the face – and made whatever provisions I could.

And somehow, by making that appointment with the loan parent advisor with my youngest child screaming throughout most of the interview (no toys provided or changing room), applying for State Benefits and enrolling the kids in schools I hadn’t previously wanted them to go to – took the fear away.

It didn’t mean “that was it” – it just meant I was taking back some control. And you know the amazing thing? Even though it took a real leap of faith, and a good helping of black humour, to really start taking control of my life, the more I did it, the more I believed it was going to work out somehow.

And the most amazing thing for me was, that other people seemed to be drawn in and they began to believe it too.

unplanned solo parenting
Applying for State Benefits and enrolling the kids in schools I hadn’t previously wanted them to go to – took the fear away

Strange as it may sound, but it was the children who helped the most, because they forced me to take back control of the present.

I didn’t have the luxury of descending into total emotional freefall. There were these very strong brave little people who needed me to make things work out for them. They kept me sane in other ways too.

When your partner has acted as if the past ten years was merely a passing of time without any emotional consequence, you really begin to question whether you have imagined the whole thing. But the children lie as physical evidence of something beautiful that no mid-life crisis can obliterate.

A good friend sent me off on an excellent motivational course. Boy was I ready for that. It was like someone had handed me a load of really useful tools to continue turning my life around even more dramatically than I already had done – and getting rid of all those stupid self-limiting beliefs that I didn’t know I had.

Now that I wasn’t a `mother of three in a stable relationship with a house and two cars”, I had the opportunity to become anything I wanted.

Of course, I could have done all that before, but oh, the children are so exhausting and the house has to be finished and the list of excuses for not thinking about my own personal growth were endless. People would ask me “how do you cope on your own”. But strangely, having one less adult to care for actually made my life easier.

Also, not having to bear the burden of someone else’s unhappiness that neither of us had really been able to acknowledge – well that was like a massif weight lifted from my shoulders. I got rid of all my excuses and allowed myself to dream of what I wanted with ambition instead of frustrated regret. I had become free. I had become myself again.

I did have one tricky problem for a while. No one tells you what to do with your ex-partner.

You’re supposed to hate and despise them – they are the reason behind every sorrow in your life. It was all so horribly negative, and somehow, the children took me from the bitterness of the usual break-up mentality and gave me every reason to fight for something better.

When you have a living reminder of unconditional love each day, it makes you question the quality of the love that you think has now broken your heart. And that was yet another revelation – it’s not `love’ that causes the pain. Love is a good thing. What causes the pain – and so many problems within relationships of all kinds – is being `needy’. That was not a person I wanted to be any longer.

After ten years of learning to live with someone in love, it seemed so crazy just to give it all up because I now wanted to find a new way to live with them – albeit separately.

I finally realised that posing ‘unanswerable questions’ and re-examining the past ad nauseum were clearly not getting me anywhere.

I decided to let the love that had kept us together for ten years be the guiding factor with keeping us healthily and positively apart. The children were a constant reminder that anger and self-pity and doubt and fear – in other words, parenthood – can all be balanced with, well, love.

I was lucky enough to be able to put down a deposit on a house and get out of the Benefit trap – thank god for interest-only mortgages. I make the house `work’ for me by taking in lodgers, though some of my friends are keeping a book out on how long each one will last.

I enrolled on a training course that takes up almost every Saturday for the next two years and THEN organised the childcare, knowing that was the only way I would make it happen. I am home schooling one of my kids and loving it.

I would not change anything in my life.

I never realised that being single was such a natural state, and the more I enjoy it, the more I know that I will end up eventually with someone who is happy and motivated and probably want to hang around for a while, because they will be with me because they want to be and not because they are afraid to be alone.

Meanwhile, I am enjoying a social life I would have felt was positively indulgent during my previous life as happy housewife. Of course I do sometimes miss man-cuddles, and I definitely miss sex. But God, if there wasn’t anything to miss everyone would stay single forever.

The kids and I had a drink at the pub today with their dad. And I played him at pool – and lost (but not badly). It was good. I still get those deep unremitting pains sometimes – especially when the first Christmas and New Year struck – but the pain starts to take on a familiarity that makes it somehow less debilitating.

I don’t know what the future might bring, but I know that at least the past is not going to fuck it up for me.

I’ve been lucky to have an ex-partner who has been financially supportive and taken on the role of fatherhood with an ever-increasing confidence and enthusiasm. Things could have been a lot worse for me and for some people they are.

I have learnt that being with three young children, either in or out of a relationship, is not a chore or a burden. Even though it is hard sometimes, it does not stop you from living your life to the full. Parenthood, in any form, is a gift.

So I’m sitting in the bath and I’ve finally managed to blubber a bit, and I’m wondering how to describe that odd feeling I have when I’m all alone in the house and the kids are quiet in their beds. A kind of familiar feeling that seems to be growing stronger all the time – that precious time that I have for myself. I think I can only describe it as – “Freedom”…

Suzy Miller is the creator of  Alternative Divorce Guide 

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Income and Divorce

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Income and Divorce
Paul Gorman
Principal Partner
Beaufort Planning

Aviva’s Winter 2013 report explores the growing diversity among UK families fuelled by trends in cohabitation, separation/divorce and remarriage.

Past relationships are teaching families valuable lessons about managing money yet Aviva’s latest Family Finances Report also paints a worrying picture of unprotected incomes and outdated policies.

The Report reveals:

  • Nearly half of adults who live as part of a modern family have experienced at least one previous committed relationship (involving marriage or cohabitation) prior to their current family set-up.
  • More than one in six have had two or more past committed relationships, with 5% having had three or more.
  • More than one in three marriages is a remarriage for at least one partner, with 15% involving a remarriage for both parties.
  • Almost a third of two-parent UK families include one or more children from a previous relationship.

Income and Divorce – Financial arrangements in the modern family context can be stretched and complex:

One in three families with children from past relationships in December 2013 received financial support from an ex-partner. This includes almost one quarter who get a regular income from this source and 10% who receive occasional payments.

Regular monthly payments received range from less than £50 per child to more than £1,500, averaging out at £254 per child, per month. One in three who receive financial support rely on it to make ends meet, while another 38% would need to make major cutbacks to manage without this income.

With this is mind, it is worrying to read from the report that only one in four knows for definite that their former partner has financial protection – such as life insurance, income protection or critical illness cover – in place, that could be invaluable in helping secure maintain these regular payments in the event of ill health, incapacity or death.

Disturbingly, almost one in five know that their ex-partner’s finances are definitely not covered, another 30% fear this may be the case.

With many adults experiencing more than one committed relationship, any change in family circumstances can have a significant impact on financial arrangements.

Updating bank accounts and mortgage/rent agreements seem to take priority when a relationship ends, with Aviva findings suggesting that only 6% of affected adults fail to make such changes following a separation.

In contrast, almost one in five fail to update their will, potentially leading to future complications.

It is very much understandable that housing and a place a live is the main concern, this is an immediate need that requires action and attention.

Yet, it is also really important to look at and consider your all round finances during divorce and as hard as it is consider not just immediate and short term needs, but also your needs over the medium and long term.

Paul Gorman

www.beaufortplanning-westmidlands.co.uk

 

Sources: www.aviva.co.uk

 

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Become Wealthy
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A Man is Not a Financial Plan: 7 Steps to Become Wealthy

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Here are the 7 steps to how to become wealthy:

financial plan
Mary Waring
Independent Financial Advisor and The Wealthy Woman: A Man is Not a Financial Plan: A Woman’s Guide to Achieving Financial

1. Calculate your starting point

Until you calculate a starting point you have no way of knowing whether you’ve improved your wealth or by how much.

So work out the value of everything you own, (your house, car, investments, pensions etc) and deduct the value of everything you owe (your mortgage, credit card balances, HP etc.). The difference is your net worth. Set a target for what you want this to increase to over the next 6 months or 12 months

 

2. Control your debt

If you have large balances on your credit card and only pay off the minimum each month you are paying a huge amount of interest.

If you only pay off the minimum balance each month it could take 47 years to repay your balance and cost 3-4 times the initial balance. So before you put a purchase on your credit card consider how much it will cost you to pay it back in total, rather than how much you pay back each month.

 

3. Save before you spend

Don’t plan to save what balance you have left in your bank account at the end of the month, because invariably there won’t be anything left. Instead have a standing order each month that goes out of your account as soon as your income comes in. That way your savings will be taken care of.

Over time it will be easier to increase the amount of the standing order, as you see your savings grow.

 

what mortgage can I afford
It’s easy to think that a small amount isn’t worth saving.

4. Save regularly even if it’s only a small amount

It’s easy to think that a small amount isn’t worth saving, but over the long term you’d be surprised how much it can grow. For example, if you were to invest your child benefit from the day your child is born until they are aged 18 and get a 10% return, at the age of 18 that would be worth over £53,000.

Enough to fund university,  provide a deposit on a property, fund a gap year etc. However, if instead of giving this sum to your son or daughter at age 18 you left it invested continuing to earn 10% return each year it would be worth over £4.6 Million when they are aged 65.

That’s based on investing £20.30 per week- or £2.90 a day. A similar price to an upmarket cup of coffee!

 

5. Monitor your spending

If you think you don’t have enough money to save keep a detailed record of all that you spend over a 3 month period- including everything you spend in cash. Then review each item on the list and consider “how can I reduce it?” Is it possible to eat out less often, eat out in a cheaper spot, or have friends round instead of eating out?  You may be surprised at where your money’s going, and the options to reduce your costs.

 

6 Review everything regularly

Doing the above exercises is not a one off. Over time bad habits can creep back in. So do all this on a regular basis to ensure your money is working hard for you.

 

7. Enjoy your money 

Don’t be fearful of dealing with your finances. If you approach each of the exercise with the attitude it won’t work or you’ll hate doing it, then that’s exactly what you’ll get. Follow the steps to improve your financial position in the knowledge that small steps on a regular basis can lead to a significant increase in your wealth

Mary Waring

www.mary-waring.co.uk

Author of  The Wealthy Woman: A Man is Not a Financial Plan: A Woman’s Guide to Achieving Financial Security 

 

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Natalie’s Story of Emotional and Financial Abuse

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Women and Divorce www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Wendi Schuller
Author of
 The Global Guide to Divorce

Natalie is a nurse and her husband Jack is a physician who co-owned the medical practice together.

Jack was self-centered when they married, but was really a Narcissist coming out of the closet a bit down the road. His belittling and tearing Natalie down increased in intensity until she began to doubt her own intelligence.

She enrolled in a three month certificate course and received high marks.

This propelled her to take stock of her situation. She felt conflicted because she thought it best that their two sons had a father in the house, especially since Jack was so active in Boy Scouts.

The Emotional and Financial Abuse

Emotional abuse is about punishing and keeping the other spouse in line.

Natalie started bringing it to Jack’s attention when he or a son was disrespectful towards her. She began limiting their couple time in public because she felt uncomfortable around Jack.

This meant not going out for office lunches and telling him that she no longer would attend his business functions including when he was the keynote speaker. Natalie started feeling stronger and refused to enable Jack’s façade of the charming family man.

Jack had been past president of various organizations in their city and Natalie was not playing the part of the adoring wife. To a Narcissist this is unacceptable.

Natalie did the office bookkeeping and paid their personal bills and mortgage. She completely paid the balances on their credit cards so no interest accrued. Then Natalie received a £35,000 inheritance which she wisely put exclusively in her own name.

Natalie also bought a Mediterranean cruise for the family, which Jack declined going on at the last minute, assuming Natalie and sons would forego this non-refundable trip.

Upon their return, Natalie and sons had a big shock.

emotional and financial abuse www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Natalie discovered high interest charges on credit cards

Financial abuse is about control and that is what Jack did. While they were away, Jack and the female accountant colluded to remove Natalie as signer on the business account which is where all of their income was derived.

Jack took over paying all bills which resulted in their house going into foreclosure, high interest charges on credit cards and the utility company threatening to disconnect service.

Natalie sold some of her jewellery and dipped into her inheritance to stay afloat. Although she confided to family and friends, no one stepped in to help or say “Get out.”  Only their financial institution was concerned enough to ask Natalie about an exit plan.

The sons asked their father why Mum had no money. Jack told them that she would have to come to him and ask for some, which Natalie was not going to do.

Natalie was so stressed that she refused to go out for their anniversary and Valentine’s Day dinners and offered to have them at home with the family instead. She got a collaborative solicitor shortly after that.

Looking back, there were signs early in the marriage of emotional abuse, but Natalie would explain them away. Or she listened to supposedly wiser, older folks who would downplay Jack’s actions.

When Natalie became a more independent person, then the financial abuse started. It is harder to spot abuse when it is your life as opposed to someone else’s.

We all make mistakes, it is how we rectify them that matters. Adversity builds strength.

More articles by Wendi Schuller 

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Friendships Change after Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce is a transition which means a change in many aspects of life.  One of these areas is relationships, particularly with friendships.

Divorce is a time to reevaluate these friendships to see if they are still beneficial or have run their course.

Pals that have stuck by you through thick and thin may no longer be as supportive and it is better to not be taken by surprise. If someone is really your friend they will stick around. If they do not, is that a person you really want in your life?

Divorce gets rid of these dead branches and allows new growth (friendships) to appear.

Miranda met someone in her women’s group and they clicked right away. They became close friends and had frequent lunches together.

Carolyn was right there when Miranda had two miscarriages and they later got to know each other’s children. Once in a while their husbands attended birthday and holiday parties. Miranda confided about her stressful marriage and eventual divorce proceedings. Miranda also shared with Carolyn, recently revealed abuse that prevented overnight visitation.  She was shocked and her sons upset when Carolyn stated several times that she loved both Miranda and her ex and would support them both.

In abuse situations, this is not a helpful thing to say to children in therapy or to a longtime friend. Carolyn refused to take sides and that friendship withered away.

People whom you assumed were close, may choose to side with your former partner. Grieve for this loss in your life and then move on.

My ex is Narcissistic and told tales about me in our divorce. I lost some friends due to being portrayed as the villain in this drama. Eventually I felt grateful to the Narcissist for showing me that these people are not worthy of my time or energy.

Another person who has been a mere acquaintance may surprise you and become a good friend.  A divorced acquaintance is now a pal and we sometimes compare notes about our former husbands’ annoying antics.

I feel the understanding and validation from her that I do not receive from my marvellous married chums.  I became closer to some mothers at my child’s school who were recently divorced and gave me stellar advice. We called ourselves members of The First Wives’ Club.

losing friends after divorce
Value the ones that stay in your life…

Friends may distance themselves from you because they do not want to get involved or know what to say.  Mutual friends of you both may fall into this category. Be pleasant when you run into them, but do not suggest going to the pub or out to tea if they seem a bit awkward.

What to do about mutual friends who invite you both to social events?

Miranda asked Carolyn if she had also invited her ex to a holiday party, explaining that she and the boys would then be unable to attend. Miranda would never tell anyone who should be on the guest list, but this was a matter of answering an RSVP question. When Carolyn’s answer was vague, Miranda politely declined this and future invitations until they were no longer issued.

In many cases former spouses can be civil to each other when no abuse or infidelity occurred, and others in their sphere are comfortable around them. A former boss on friendly terms with his ex, enjoys seeing her at functions and they catch up with each other’s news.

Friendship is a two way street. If you feel drained or that you are tip toeing around, then something is not right.

Beware of energy vampires who seem to suck the life right out of you.

I had a longtime friend who was also godmother to my youngest son.  She was divorced and became fixated upon mine, wanting a lot of details. My sons would ask her to talk about something else.

During my divorce, I had trouble getting a house mortgage and was under extreme stress.  This friend disappeared for a few months until I ran into her and asked what had happened. She said that I had snapped at her on the phone (right before moving day) and no one had done that to her before.

It was just about her and nothing about my anxiety. I most likely snapped at anyone who crossed my path, but everyone else gave me some leeway. A year later she dropped out of our lives permanently for no apparent reason. When these friends disappear it can be hard on your children.

Friendships are not static and change regardless of situations. Value the ones that stay in your life and you will meet others in serendipitous ways.

About Wendi

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

You might be interested in

Moving Home after Divorce

Published on
Moving Home after Divorce
Ingrid Jansen – Founder of Organise Your House

Do you want to know what needs doing when moving home after a divorce?  The Divorce Magazine spoke with Ingrid Jansen, professional organiser and founder of Organise Your House, for advice.

You’ve decided you and your partner are no longer going to be living together and it’s best to part ways. Of course, it all depends on whether you or your ex-partner will stay in the current house and if there are children involved in the process.

The most important thing to realise is that these processes take time and it is not only about possessions that decisions need to be made about.  Of course, if the communication between you is amicable and reasonable it will be so much easier to move on!

Here are Ingrid’s top 3 tips:

1:  Divide your possessions equally amongst each other. What is the point in having a whole kitchen inventory while you or your ex-partner will be moving into a tiny apartment? The same goes for the bedding, the dvd’s and cd’s, etc. Disagreeing over these “small” things can cause unnecessary stress and will complicate the move. What can help is making a list of everything you both own and cross on the list who wants to have what. Only the things that you both want, need to be discussed, the rest is divided.

2:  It’s not only material things that need sorting. It’s time to get really organised about the paperwork and the money as well. Closing down the mutual bank account should be on the list of things to do and taking your or your ex-partner’s name off the council tax and utilities bill as well. The same goes for credit cards and other items that involve money. Make sure you also sort out mortgage or rental agreements.

3:  If there are children and/or pets involved you will always be involved in each other’s lives. Make clear arrangements about who has the children when and who is involved in picking up, dropping off, bringing to clubs etc. The more transparency in the schedule the easier it is for both to rebuild your lives again.

Need some help? Get in the professional

If you find the whole process of de-cluttering and organising too daunting and would like an extra pair of hands to help you, please contact Ingrid Jansen of Organise Your House (www.organise-your-house.co.uk or call 078-65465100).

About Ingrid Jansen

She’s a de-clutter expert and has been helping her clients get organised for years. Her background in Hotel- and Facilities Management is a great asset when helping her clients.

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