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How, Why and What is a Prenup?

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Katie McCann
Katie McCann
Head of Family Law and in-house counsel at Kuits Solicitors

When anyone gets married, they truly hope it will last forever; however unfortunately this isn’t always the case.

With 42% of marriages in the UK now ending in divorce, people are extremely keen to take a sensible approach by planning what should happen if their marriage does break down.

Once viewed as an extremely American concept, prenuptial agreements are now becoming a very popular way for couples in the UK to plan for the ‘worst case scenario’.

But what exactly are pre-nups? And are they even legal in the UK? Katie McCann, Head of Family at Kuits Solicitors, answers some important questions which surround this potentially complex area of law.

What is a prenuptial agreement?

A pre-nuptial agreement is an agreement created by a couple before they get married. It sets out what will happen to any assets should their marriage break down.

Why have a prenuptial agreement?

There are several reasons a couple may want to enter into a prenuptial agreement. One spouse may have family wealth requiring protection so that it is ring-fenced and will not form part of a matrimonial claim upon divorce. Even when there isn’t exceptional wealth, couples may prefer to ensure that they are on the same page by having an agreement that clarifies exactly what should happen if they divorce.

The significant benefit of a prenuptial agreement is that things can be agreed in a calm and equitable manner, as opposed to when the relationship has broken down and acrimonious feelings may cause either spouse to act without rationale.

Are they legally binding?

In the UK, prenuptial agreements are not automatically legally binding. However, recent case law seems to suggest that the courts will uphold agreements that have been entered into fairly. There have also been proposals put forward by the Law Commission that state that they should be given legal status.

Who decides on the contents of a prenuptial agreement?

The contents of a prenuptial agreement must be agreed by both parties. Although suggestions may be made by each spouse, both must feel comfortable with the agreement. If they are not, or if the court finds that either spouse was bullied or signed the agreement under duress, then the agreement will not be valid. A prenuptial agreement should therefore not be used to disadvantage one spouse, but rather it should set out a reasonable and equitable agreement.

What should go into a prenuptial agreement?

It may actually be beneficial to first consider what should not go into a prenuptial agreement, so as to avoid the court refusing to uphold certain clauses or, worse, concluding that one clause should invalidate the entire agreement. In order to avoid this, the prenuptial agreement ordinarily would not deal with anything to do with personal issues and instead would focus only on finances.

Child arrangements would rarely be included, as the court cannot guarantee to uphold such clauses on a public policy basis, given the ever changing and unpredictable needs of children as they grow up.

Whilst the contents of a prenuptial agreement will be totally subjective to the couple entering into the marriage, there are common things that are often included. These are:

  • how property should be divided upon divorce,
  • whether any property should be considered separate and therefore ring-fenced, and why
  • who should take responsibility for any debts
  • how inheritance should be dealt with
What is a prenup
What should go into a prenup? Property for one.

The recordings contained within a prenup are just as important as the actual agreements contained within. As an example, it is definitely worth recording that both parties intend for the prenuptial agreement to be binding, and that they both believe the contents of it to be fair.

It is also worth stating that the agreement has been entered into without duress or undue influence and that neither party rushed into signing it.

A recording should be included to state that both parties have taken independent legal advice, and that full and frank financial disclosure has taken place.

A recording should also be included to state that, in the event one clause is disputed, this should not invalidate the whole agreement.

It is not unusual to state that, in the event of divorce, if the prenuptial agreement is contested, the couple should attend mediation at first instance instead of petitioning at court.

Can prenuptial agreements be contested?

There are several reasons why a prenuptial agreement may be contested or found to be invalid. If both parties did not obtain legal advice, or if there was disparity of advice, this may result in one of the parties being prejudiced.

A prenuptial agreement will be contested if one of the parties feel that they had been forced to sign it. This problem commonly occurs when one spouse is presented with an agreement on the eve of the wedding and signs it under duress.

As a rule of thumb, prenuptial agreements should be signed at least 4 weeks in advance of the wedding. Both parties also have a duty to disclose all of their assets before entering into the agreement. It must be the case that each party knows what they are effectively losing or gaining claims over from the start.

What if I’m already married?

Couples that have already married may become aware of the benefits of having a prenuptial agreement and regret not having created one ahead of their wedding. In this case, they will be able to enter into a postnuptial agreement instead.

Postnuptial agreements operate in a similar way to prenuptial agreements; however, as their name suggests, they are entered into once the marriage has occurred. Like prenuptial agreements, they are not 100% legally binding; however, they are likely to be upheld by a court if they are entered into fairly.

Katie McCann is head of family law and in-house counsel at Kuits Solicitors in Manchester City Centre. She has a special interest in resolving high value relationship breakdown disputes.

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child maintenance and child support

Child Maintenance and Child Contact: How some Parents are Adopting a ‘pay per view’ Attitude to their Children

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Katie McCann
Katie McCann
Head of Family Law and in-house counsel at Kuits Solicitors

When a couple split up they are likely to have a tough and emotional time whilst coming to terms with the fact that their relationship is over.

For couples with children, this period is destined to be even more challenging, as they will also have to focus on making the necessary arrangements to ensure that their little ones adapt to the situation and have their needs catered for moving forward.

Decisions will need to be made, amongst other things, about how much contact the children will have with each parent, their living arrangements and what financial support will be given by way of child maintenance payments.

These topics can naturally be quite difficult to discuss and it is quite common for disagreements between the parents to arise.

The Child Maintenance Options online calculator is an excellent tool that allows parents to input the information relevant to their situation before generating the appropriate child maintenance figure that should be paid monthly.

When a child maintenance agreement cannot be reached between the parents, the Child Maintenance Service can act as an intermediary between them. The fees for using the government-led scheme include a £20 application fee, a 20% collection fee on top of the maintenance figure (to be paid by the paying parent), and a 4% enforcement fee which is deducted from the child maintenance. Such fees should ideally work to deter parents from using the service and instead they should attempt to reach such arrangements themselves.

As mentioned above, another significant agreement that must be reached is in relation to the children’s living arrangements and how much time they will spend with each parent.

Sometimes this can be simple to work out and children may split their time equally between two houses, or perhaps have one parent’s house as their base whilst going to stay with their other parent every other weekend. When such arrangements can be made amicably, it is hugely beneficial for the children involved. After all, suddenly having two homes can be a big enough change, without the children having to experience a sense of conflict when their parents cannot agree on an appropriate parenting plan.

Unfortunately, when child arrangements cannot be agreed following divorce and separation, it is often fathers who feel as though they are mistreated.

Although there is certainly no legal presumption that mothers should determine their children’s schedules, sadly this can often happen. Due to this there are several support and action groups who are fighting for a presumption of equal parental contact post-separation.

Whilst the above campaign is an extremely honourable one, care must be taken to ensure that the issue of parental contact is kept separate from other child-care issues.

child maintenance and child contact
Ensure that the issue of parental contact is kept separate from other child-care issues.

Unfortunately the opposite is encouraged by some support groups. By way of example, ‘New Father 4 Justice’ (which, importantly, should not be confused or affiliated with ‘Fathers 4 Justice’) claims that they strongly support the non-payment of child maintenance by those who are being denied access to their children.

There is no doubt that being refused child contact is one of the hardest and most excruciating things that could happen to a parent; however, the above attitude is extremely damaging. To actively encourage fathers who are not seeing their children to stop providing financially for them only serves to increase tensions at a time when they are, no doubt, already sky-high.

Aside from the fact that it will be to the children’s detriment if maintenance is not paid, it is also important to note that financial support – although it does not automatically entitle a parent to contact – is a legal duty. Contact and maintenance are two separate issues and therefore should not be merged together to encourage a ‘pay per view’ environment.

As explained on the Child Maintenance Options website, whilst it is certainly important (when safe) for both parents to have an active role in the children’s lives, it is important that access should not be used as a bargaining tool for negotiating child maintenance and vice versa.

If a parent is being refused contact to their children, they should continue to make child maintenance payments whilst trying to resolve the issue.

Although some parents may find making payments at such a time challenging, they should try and remember that the children’s welfare is the priority and it will be them who suffer if the maintenance is not paid. The suffering parent can then try and negotiate contact with their unwilling ex-partner, although sometimes this will not be possible.

In such a situation, mediation should be the next port of call.

Mediation is an extremely effective and reasonably inexpensive way of trying to sort such disagreements out – so much so, that attending a MIAM (mediation information meeting) is now a compulsory preliminary step for those wanting to issue court proceedings. At mediation, an independent third party will try to guide the parents to reach a child arrangement that they are both happy with.

If mediation is unsuccessful, an application to court can be made for a child arrangement order as a last resort. Naturally, court proceedings are expensive and, often, physically and emotionally stressful, and should be avoided if possible. Unfortunately however, in some circumstances, court will be the only option and a judge will make a decision in the children’s best interests.

Whichever method is used to try to arrange child contact, parents must remember to stay focused on the children and remember that withholding maintenance payments will only negatively impact the children that they care so much about. It is also worth remembering that, by continuing to pay maintenance whilst being refused child contact, parents are showing their ex-partners that they are willing to do the right thing all of the time – not just when things go their way.

Katie McCann is head of family law and in-house counsel at Kuits Solicitors in Manchester City Centre. She has a special interest in resolving high value relationship breakdown disputes.

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High Conflict Divorce – How to Protect your Children

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Children of divorce
Soila Sindiyo
 Founder of The Divorce Magazine and Child Trauma Therapist

I think most of us will agree that conflict, arguments, disagreements or whatever you want to call them, are indeed part of “normal” life in a home, however, conflict becomes an issue when children are exposed to it on a regular basis and where it involves both verbal abuse and physical violence.

One line I always recall hearing during my training in working with children of trauma is:

A child old enough to laugh, is old enough to experience trauma.

So for those parents who think a child is too young to understand what is happening you maybe seeking to protect yourselves, rather than the child.

Is it possible that it’s easier to think this way than actually deal with the issues at hand?

Keep in mind two things:

  • You are not your child’s only influence so you’d better be the best
  • A child who is exposed to violence changes who they are

If you’re engaged in a high conflict divorce then here are some things you could do in the hope of protecting your children:

  •  Only communicate through a third party if necessary.  One lady I heard off, got someone to read through emails from her ex.  This reader person would then relate back to her what had been requested in his mail omitting any unnecessary points that had been raised only for point scoring purposes.
  • There are, fortunately, a million ways to communicate nowadays, email, text, whatsapp, mediation, solicitors (andeffects of divorce on childrenno they are not all bad), letters and the list continues.  If you don’t want to see one another, you really don’t have to.
  • Just don’t slag your ex in front of the children, totally unnecessary.  No one gains, not even you. The children might listen to you now and agree with you but in later years, it will come back to haunt you.  Trust me.
  • Get a mutual/public place to meet for the transitions between homes.  If the children are old enough, school’s always a good place.
  • Get you own adult sounding board.  Your children don’t need to hear, know or be part of your arguments.
  • Don’t involve your children in adult issues.  You know what those issues are but your children don’t need to.  Protect their innocence as much and for as long as you can.

If in doubt do speak with someone, your children will be very grateful for that, if not now, later.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator

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coping with divorce
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Let’s Stop the Blame Game – the Argument for No-Fault Divorce

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Katie McCann Head of Family Law and in-house counsel at Kuits Solicitors
Katie McCann
Head of Family Law and in-house counsel at Kuits Solicitors

‘Nobody likes a snitch’ is how the playground saying goes.

Yet ‘snitching’ is what you must do in the UK in order to get divorced, without having to prove that you and your spouse have been living separate lives for a minimum of two years (or five if your spouse will not consent to the divorce).

To be able to divorce after one year of marriage, adultery or unreasonable behaviour must be cited, and these behaviours must be shown to have caused the marriage to have irretrievably broken down.

With unreasonable behaviour being the most frequently used ground, examples of such conduct have ranged from domestic abuse to the respondent not taking a big enough interest in the petitioner’s career. Whatever the accusation, the concept is always the same: the petitioner is pointing the finger at their ex-spouse and claiming that their behaviour is the reason behind the divorce.

At a time when emotions are already running high, it is certainly questionable that the law encourages ex-spouses to ‘stir the pot’ by requiring them to place blame on their ex-partner.

Explaining the rationale behind the law, Sir Nicholas Wall states: “In the nineteenth century […] divorce was a matter of social status – it mattered whether you were divorced or not, and if you were, it was important to demonstrate that you were the “innocent” party.”

Today, with 42% of marriages estimated to end in divorce[1], surely this reasoning is neither necessary nor appropriate.

no-fault divorce
Let’s Stop the Blame Game – the Argument for No-Fault Divorce

Divorce no longer attracts the same negative social connotations that it once did and therefore the quest for innocence is somewhat redundant. As Sir Justice Munby correctly questioned: “Has the time not come to remove all concepts of fault as a basis for divorce and to leave irretrievable breakdown as the sole ground?”

Baroness Hale has been the most recent figure to answer this question in the affirmative by reiterating her call for the introduction of no-fault divorce – one that she initially made some 20 years ago.

One of the main arguments against the blame game is that it is effectively pointless.

Apart from allowing one spouse to appear ‘innocent’ and from it allegedly ‘discouraging divorce’ (a theory never necessarily proven), once the finger has been pointed there are no further repercussions. Therefore, by way of example, if adultery is alleged then this will have no bearing on the financial order that a court makes.

Another problem with fault-based divorce, and in particular with the unreasonable behaviour ground, is that it is far too broad.

As mentioned above, it can catch all manners of behaviour; indeed, it seems unfair to tarnish a spouse who does not pay their partner enough attention with the same brush as a violent domestic abuser. It also does not cater for situations where there has been unreasonable behaviour from both spouses, or adultery by one spouse and unreasonable behaviour by the other. In this situation, which spouse should be labelled as the innocent party? Surely time is wasted and emotions are drained by trying to agree who the innocent party is.

Laying the blame on one spouse is not appropriate when a couple have simply grown apart and fallen out of love. It seems unjust to force one party to make an accusation of unreasonable behaviour in this situation, especially as they are unlikely to actually agree with the claims they are making.

The government is currently attempting to get more couples to use mediation by making mediation information meetings (MIAMs) compulsory before beginning court proceedings. They are also offering a complimentary mediation session to couples where one spouse qualifies for legal aid.

The Justice Minister, Simon Hughes, has explained that mediation allows people to avoid the confrontational and stressful nature of court. But, if the government’s aim is to reduce confrontation, surely fault-based divorce must be abolished? If the starting point of divorce is to hold one spouse accountable for the marital breakdown, this does not pave the way for an amicable divorce procedure. If mediation is truly going to be a success, then perhaps a no-fault ground allowing divorce after a year is required.

[1] http://www.ons.gov.uk/ons/rel/vsob1/divorces-in-england-and-wales/2011/sty-what-percentage-of-marriages-end-in-divorce.html

Katie McCann is head of family law and in-house counsel at Kuits Solicitors in Manchester City Centre. She has a special interest in resolving high value relationship breakdown disputes.

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Contact Center
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Children of Divorce – Using a Contact Center

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Heather Brown Family Mediator Behavioural Mentor
Heather Brown
Family Mediator
Behavioural Mentor

Heather Brown, family mediator and behavioural mentor, speaks to us about contact centres.

For 7 years, Heather was manager of two contact centres and having had enquiries about contact centers in and around the UK, I couldn’t think of anyone better to ask about the services that are provided by these types of organisations.

Currently Heather works as a Family Mediator as well as a Managing Director and Behavioural Mentor with at risk teenagers with Present Future Solutions.

 

This interview carries so much information on the role and use of contact centers that I know for sure you or someone you know will greatly benefit from what Heather talks about.

Some of the questions answered are:

  • What role do contact centres or family contact centres play when it comes to co-parenting?
  • How can one find their nearest contact centre?
  • Once you find this contact center, can you self-refer or do you need a family court judge to do it for you, CAFCASS (Children and Families Court Advisory Services) or family lawyer?
  • Who pays for the service and how much is it?
  • Will I have to see my ex-partner at the contact centre? No, all arrivals and departures are staggered.

Heather goes on to talk about the different types of contact center services that there are and what they mean for each couple.  These are:

  • Supervised contact
  • Escorted or community contact
  • Handover
  • Supported contact

Heather makes it clear that contact centers are not only impartial but they also give support not only to the non-resident parent but to the resident parent too.  They are there as a short term solution to the current ongoing co-parenting problem.

If you’re looking for a contact center please contact the NACCC – National Association of Child Contact Centres

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divorce issues

Is Arbitration legally binding? Does it have any teeth?

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Suzy Miller of Alternative Divorce Guide

Is Arbitration legally binding

Well I asked this question of Arbitrators who are, let’s face it, lawyers – so not surprisingly, I got both the ‘technically correct’ answers as well as the ‘in real life’ answers:

“It isn’t correct to say that an arbitrator’s decision is legally binding. Under English law it is still necessary to get the approval of the court on any arbitrator’s decision (“Award”).

There’s a recent case that basically says that the court will almost invariably approve an arbitrator’s award but there always needs to be a final step in getting the court’s approval, before an order is final and enforceable.” Alexander Chandler (Chambers of Deborah Eaton QC and Philip Marshall QC).

So it is clear that a decision by an Arbitrator can be easily turned into a court order and made binding in law, so as far as the divorcing couple are concerned, they are entering into a process where they need to accept the outcome in advance, whatever it may be. Otherwise they make a mockery of the process and lose all the benefits of saving time, money and potentially drawing their children into a war zone.

But it is the finality of the decision that makes it so very powerful as a way of helping a couple to let go of the divorce and bring that part of their lives to a close.

And because it is a final decision that they have both signed up for – not one hoisted on them by a judge – they are more likely to accept it. One of the issues with combative court divorces is the number of times litigants continue the fight with new battles over the ensuing years as the war rages on.

“Arbitration, as a process, is guaranteed to get an outcome. The Award (decision) of the Arbitratoris binding on the couple in almost all circumstances. It remains open to the couple to reach an agreement between themselves if they can, but if they cannot, they will receive a reasoned decision from the Arbitrator in a format which can quickly be converted into a court order within their divorce”. Oliver Gravell, Owner Birketts LLP

But why is the legal solidity of Arbitration so important?

is family arbitration legally binding?
Why not bring in an Arbitrator and let the journey continue in safety?

In the emotional chaos of divorce, a key benefit of arbitration, is knowing that an issue can be resolved cleanly by an expert whom both the couple trust, and that the decision will stick legally so there will be no need to be dragged into court at a later date.

“As the Arbitration process is private and hearings, if indeed they are necessary (some matters can be settled on representations by the parties or their advisers on paperwork), can take place at the venue of the couples’ choice.

The award (Arbitrator’s decision) once made by the Arbitrator is final and binding on the parties unlike Mediation and negotiations between solicitors. The parties will generally apply to the Court for an Order confirming the award.” Olive McCarthy, Breeze & Wyles

Whatever the legal process involved in making an Arbitrator’s decision stick in law, the reality is that couples can feel confident that the decision they are paying for is going to lead to an answer, and so peace of mind, and the opportunity to keep the mediation process going or to round off the process as a whole and bring it to a close.

It is the control the couple have that is significant. On the divorce journey they choose the Arbitrator together; they decide on what points they want a decision made and they set the time scales along with the Arbitrator. In trying to avoid crashing into a bitter protracted divorce if their mediation should founder, they can gain a sense of security by having another tool in the divorce toolbox at their disposal.

‘Clunk Click’ every divorce trip

I don’t expect to have a car accident when I get behind the wheel, but I do bother to have a safety belt working properly in my car. You don’t need a seatbelt when the car is stationary, but when on the move, strap up. If your divorce is heading towards a disagreement that could dissolve your mediation process and lead to an emotional and financial crash into court, then why not bring in an Arbitrator and let the journey continue in safety?

The couple can still derail the process and let things get nasty, but if they have taken the trouble to belt up and pay attention to the road ahead, gathering the information about the routes through divorce that they have available to them, chances are they will make better choices about the direction they are headed and the people they bring in to guide them.

You can read the first part of this article here

For more information regarding Family Arbitration, refer to the IFLA website: http://ifla.org.uk/.

Suzy Miller

Alternative Divorce Guide

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divorce facts

10 Things to Know About Divorce

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Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce is a life transition that generates permanent changes.

One can never go back – only forward. Divorce affects finances, relationships and career choices.

It can be a positive catalyst for a metamorphosis.

  • Divorce is not a linear process, one can back track, hit a speed bump or nearly get derailed. My husband and I were in the collaborative process and he suddenly dropped out when it did not go as he expected. We had to start over with new solicitors for litigation. Then he decided to return to collaborative and luckily our original solicitors let us pick up where we left off from before.
  • Divorce does not have to mean only negative changes –but can push people in a positive direction. Maribel was a stay-at-home mum who was bored out of her mind and felt unfulfilled. Getting a divorce forced her back into the working world. She opted for a lesser paying job in retail and is ecstatic about life. Maribel is much more vibrant now, than I ever observed in her marriage. Two co-workers lead busy, fulfilled lives now that they are divorced.
  • Divorce has an end point. My maintenance and child support have finished which means contact with my ex is 100% in the past. I will be moving and can totally close that chapter of my life. Other people’s end point may be when their divorce is finalized, especially when there is a Clean Break. The divorce process seemed endless at the time, but it helped when folks said that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
  • Get centred, clear your mind and think through your choices and decisions. I made stupid missteps in a panic – rather than stating “Let me think about it and get back to you.” An issue can be tabled until the next mediation/collaborative session – or you could send an e-mail the following day with your decision. Reacting quickly, instead of mulling it over can haunt you in the future.
  • Get the necessary experts on the divorce team. If it seems as if some assets are missing, then get a forensic accountant
    about divorce
    Hidden strength will bubble up and get you through tough negotiations.

    on board. In an acrimonious divorce, a custody evaluator may be brought in to do an extensive study to determine the percentage of shared care between parents.

  • There are support groups available to enable you to make it through the arduous divorce process. The Divorce Magazine has a link to helpful resources including parenting ones, on the web site. Conduct your own online search to discover ones in your locale. Talking to others going through divorces gave me support and I felt less alone.
  • It is normal to feel that you cannot take much more stress without exploding. People interviewed expressed that they were surprised that they got through divorce without a nervous breakdown. In our crazy divorce, the two solicitors mandated that we each see a designated life coach for at least one session. My husband brought his to one collaborative session and that made for a smoother meeting with less tension for all of us.
  • You will discover traits that you did not realize that you possessed. Hidden strength will bubble up and get you through tough negotiations. You will discover your resilience which helps you to be flexible and bend like a pine tree rather than being rigid like the mighty oak and breaking in a storm.
  • A Family Law solicitor said if one party is pleased in the divorce – then something is not fair. When both people are unhappy about the asset division, then it is fair. I made sure I got the few things that I really desired, the water colour painting of our deceased cat, plus several other items. I refused to get in a battle over our joint personal property which resulted in my husband letting me have a bit more. Hold out for what you really want in the personal property division and do not haggle over every little thing. Not worth the time, increased legal fees and anxiety.
  • You may be at loggerheads with each other during divorce, but may like each other down the road. Some former couples are friends and even have get-togethers with the new spouses. This is really lovely for the children during the holidays when this happens. Memory has the trick of glossing over the unpleasant parts and this is helpful after divorce.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Divorce a Career Killer?

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Recently, my ex and I along with 2 other couples appeared in The Times Magazine on divorce in your 40s.  What was interesting about this piece was that each one of the ladies had gone on to work in the area of divorce in one capacity or other.

I continue my work as a Child Therapist but eventually founded The Divorce Magazine, while Nevine Bentley went on to do law and train as a Family Mediator and Suzy Miller created a few products including The Alternative Divorce Directory.

Well, you’ve heard it said once, you’re heard it said twice and I will say it here again – divorce is like a death.

Just like a marriage and becoming a parent, you cannot plan your divorce nor know how it feels or how you will cope (or not) until you weather that storm.

When you go through divorce that’s when you get to know exactly what you are capable off, the good and the bad and the just plain ugly.

You get to see what others have been through and realise that there are indeed something things in life that are very capable of knocking you sideways and propelling you into a land that you never had any intention of visiting let alone residing in.

Yet here you are. In the land of inner pain, anger, resentment with a touch of relief and anticipation for what the future holds. A place where concentration, sleep disturbance and appetite attack are all names of avenues, street and roads.

Welcome to the land of “The Divorced Working Mum.”

20 years later and I still recall how one of my daughter’s nursery teachers came to school one Monday morning looking tired, worn out and red-eyed.

I can tell you that we all noticed because she was always the best groomed teacher of them all. As it turned out, her husband had just left her and the children (2 children under 9) that weekend. She was not the I-am-in-control teacher whom we used to see. That one had left.

Divorce a career killer?
Is your divorce steering you towards a different career?

Mrs A, let’s call her, stayed on for another couple of weeks but eventually had to leave and take a much needed break. She went to see her parents…and never came back.

So what happens when you find yourself divorced and the main carer of your children? How does that affect your career or work prospects?

For me personally, my divorce experiences steered me to working in a totally different way than I had anticipated. I had two children and no family around to help. I had to drop out of courses during divorce number one and had to quit one job during divorce number two and opt for a part-time position that was paying me not only a fraction of my previous salary but that was also mind-numbingly dull.

In the meantime, my ex-husbands, had the support and help from their work places. They could work long hours if they wanted to because they didn’t have to get home in time to pick up their children from school and look after them.

They were encouraged to take time off if they needed to and they both chose not to opting instead to keep busy, as busy as they could.

But without taking that break and accepting that help, they both ended up burned out and with great difficulty performing at work. Both eventually changed jobs. They too, were steered into another direction by their painful experiences of divorce.

I recently read this quote in Oprah Magazine, an article by Martha Beck:

“If you’ve had a run of horrible luck, you can tell yourself you’re being tortured or punished. Or you can decide you’re being steered.”

So did my two divorces kill my career?

That’s the story I held for a long time. That’s the belief that I carried with me for a long while until one day, I realised that, the divorces shifted me to where I am today, doing what I love.

Remember that mind-numbingly dull job I ended up in? Well if it wasn’t for that job and it’s dreariness, I wouldn’t have taken the huge risk of resigning and working for myself.  I had to do something.  I just couldn’t stay there.

I am now working with children and families affected by divorce, trauma and loss and I am pursing my other love and passion, which is writing. I work for myself. I control my days and hours. That is what has worked for my children and I.

So is divorce a career killer?  Will it be yours?

Divorce will affect the way you work and perform, at least initially.

As already mentioned, there are many parts of your inner world and being that no longer function as you knew them to namely your concentration which can be affected by your emotions which are affected by your thoughts which then play a role in determining your actions.

The one piece of advice I could give anyone going through divorce to do is to take time off.  Do ask for help and take it and accept it when it is offered.  Ok, that’s more than one but they are all important.

Only when you take care of yourself will you be able to see things clearly as you will be creating the space to do so. This is no time to be warrior woman or warrior man.

If you are employed then speak with your boss, let someone in the office know what is going on in your personal life. If you are now the main carer of your children, find out what work options there are for you.

Divorce encourages you to reassess your current situation to find and discover very creative ways to get time with your children, earn some money and look after yourself.

It’s not easy. We love spending time with our little ones but bills need to be paid.

But here you are. The change has come. You are being steered. Which way will you go? What will you do? What can you do? Know your options and take it from there.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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parenting after divorce

Parenting after Divorce with children

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Parenting after divorce divorce with children
Making childcare arrangements was particularly hard

Making the leap from being married or in a committed relationship to life as a single parent takes a lot of bravery. Getting a divorce with children involved in the equation is certainly not an easy step, but one that needs to be taken for the wellbeing of both parents and children. This is what Barb decided to do after 14 years married to the father of her child.

After a long period of unhappiness in her relationship, North London-based mother of one Barb summoned up the courage to separate from her husband.

‘The decision to split was made in March 2011 and we were officially separated by June,’ says Barb. Shortly after they sold the family home and it was at this point that Barbara broke the news to her son, then aged 13.

‘I was the one who told my son, his father was in the room as well but he didn’t speak,’ Barb recalls. ‘Our son knew that his dad and I’s relationship wasn’t brilliant, he knew it was going to happen. There was a big build up.

‘I told him that the house had been sold and we would be moving. Shortly after, my son and I moved into rented accommodation.’

Once the dust had settled, Barb and her ex-husband still found it difficult to get along. ‘There is still friction between me and him.’

Making childcare arrangements was particularly hard as Barb’s ex-husband would only go through their son to make plans. ‘He would only text my son to make arrangements, but certain things needed to be discussed between us – the parents – first.

‘I felt like he was putting too much responsibility on our son. I don’t agree with this way of doing things as it puts a strain on communication.’

Money was another big issue for Barb: ‘I had to fight for £5 a week for child maintenance. Occasionally he would contribute towards school uniform but as time went on he got worse and worse.’

Face-to-face mediation sessions seemed like a great opportunity to iron-out the childcare issues, but as Barb points out, getting her ex-husband to agree to a session is easier said than done: ‘He doesn’t like the thought of any kind of authority being involved. He thinks he can sort out everything himself.’

When visiting The Parent Connection, Barb found that all the issues she was facing as a separated parent were covered in the articles section: ‘I found articles on housing issues and meeting new partners, which were all appropriate for me,’ says Barb. ‘But the how to manage disagreements article was the most helpful, given my situation with my ex.’

If you are going through a situation similar to Barb’s, you can obtain more resources and support on theParentConnection.org.uk

By Calum Ross, editor, theParentConnection.org.uk

The Parent Connection is a free information & advice service for separated parents, run by relationship support charity. In addition, The Parent Connection offers two free online programmes: Getting It Right For Children and Splitting Up? Put Kids First which help parents to deal with conflict without putting the children in the middle and create an online co-parenting plan.

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Cuts to Legal Aid UK – What is the Real Cost of Them?

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Katie McCann Head of Family Law and in-house counsel at Kuits Solicitors
Katie McCann
Head of Family Law and in-house counsel at Kuits Solicitors

In an attempt to reduce the legal aid UK bill by £350 million per year, huge cuts came into force on 1 April 2013 under the Legal Aid, Sentencing and Punishment of Offenders Act 2012.

Family law cases were hugely affected and now only those which involve domestic violence, forced marriage or child abduction are funded.

The Ministry of Justice have explained that the cuts to legal aid are for the benefit of the taxpayer ‘who ultimately pays for it’ however now the changes have bedded in many are not happy. Criticising the government’s decision Elfyn Llwyd MP argues, ‘It is clear to us that these reforms have everything to do with saving money- yet the cost to society is overwhelming.’ Ultimately it seems that any financial savings have been overshadowed by the serious loss to those who would have previously been able to rely on legal aid.

As a result of the cuts many who cannot afford legal representation feel that their only option is to represent themselves.

Commenting on this Court of Appeal judge Dame Elizabeth Gloster admitted that she was ‘horrified’ by the number of litigants without lawyers. According to Jo Edwards- the chairwoman of Resolution, two thirds of cases in the family courts now involve at least one side who does not have a lawyer.

The National Audit Office estimates that the increased level of litigants in person will cost the government £3.4 million a year due to the fact that cases without legal representatives take 50% longer and therefore clog up the system and cause delays.

Unfortunately the financial repercussions are not the only cause for concern.

The welfare of any child involved in a family law dispute is meant to be the paramount consideration however this is likely to be prejudiced by any delay.

It is not only the children who are involved that may suffer from their parent’s lack of legal representation.  The individuals representing themselves are also likely to feel the negative effects.

This was highlighted in the case of Re H[1]. When this case came before the court serious concern was raised that the mother- who had speech, hearing and learning difficulties, was without legal representation. It was felt that her human rights were at risk of being violated. The father had legal representation and was also supported by the Local Authority.

By the time the case came to final hearing the mother had legal representation on a pro-bono basis but as was highlighted by the judge, this is nothing like having full representation. The court stated that although the lack of legal aid had not prevented the mother from having physical access to the court, it had certainly prevented her from having intellectual access. The potential for a significant imbalance of power between parties in these type of cases is very clear to see.

The negative repercussions of the legal aid cuts explain why so many people have expressed their disappointment.

legal aid uk
As a result of the cuts many who cannot afford legal representation feel that their only option is to represent themselves.

Lady Margaret Hodge, the Chairwoman of Public Accounts Committee states, ‘The Ministry of Justice is meeting its objective of cutting spending on civil legal aid but is doing this without knowing what the knock on effects might be for people needing advice.’

But the Ministry of Justice do not seem to accept that there is a problem and speaking about the high number of litigants in person they argue, ‘A large number of people have always represented themselves in court and we provide information and guidance to help them.’

Speaking ahead of the cuts Lord Neuberger, president of the Supreme Court predicted that the lack of legal aid would lead to people taking the law into their own hands.

He claimed that this would be borne out of frustration and lack of confidence in the system. Equally as problematic is the possibility that some people are simply putting up with unfair arrangements as they feel that they do not have any other option but to suffer in silence.

Taking into consideration the negative effects of the abolition of legal aid, Resolution suggest that the government should fund an initial solicitor’s meeting for those who cannot afford it. This would enable separating couples to have their legal options explained to them and may also encourage them to use mediation. However mediation is not suitable for all cases and this highlights why a large number of people will lose out from the legal aid cuts.

The reality of the situation is that although the government may have reduced the legal aid bill by £350 million per year, the detrimental impact of the cuts on society could mean that this is a completely false economy.

As Resolution’s Dispute Resolution Week comes to a close, Katie McCann, head of Family at Kuits states, ‘The world of family law is in a state of flux following the cuts to legal aid and the fluctuations we have experienced in the economy, hitting the country’s pockets hard. However we must continue to do the best that we can for any client that walks through our doors. In family cases alternative dispute resolution should always be considered first before entering the realms of court proceedings and clearly that is the way the profession is being steered. Earlier this week I wrote about the benefits of mediation- if a better way can be found to bring family disputes to a close then we must help clients to find this, but that does not solve the ongoing issue of costs. Alternative dispute resolution is not always cheaper than going to court but in the vast majority of suitable cases, it certainly does offer a less stressful and more empowering path to the resolution of disputes.’

[1] [2014] EWFC B127

Follow Katie McCann on Twitter  – @kuits_familylaw

www.kuits.com

 

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Coping with divorce over Christmas

Coping with Divorce at Christmas – the Shortcuts

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Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

The holiday season is sneaking up on us again along with endless to-do-lists and frenzied shopping.

How to keep your sanity, good mood and stay ahead of the game?

The secret is taking short cuts and doing tasks ahead of time.

One may have court dates, mediation or collaborative sessions and feel too drained to join in the festivities. Pick the holiday celebrations that bring you the most joy and do not feel obligated to attend every one.

  • If you are usually the one hosting Christmas dinner or the family gathering, then it is time to have a frank discussion. Let others know in advance that you are no longer up to doing this with your divorce and offer some suggestions. The holiday dinner could rotate every year to a different family member’s house. Having it potluck makes it easier on the hosts.

One divorced mum decided that family holiday meals would be at a nice restaurant so no one was chained to the kitchen or on clean up duty.

  • Bundle tasks together to free up some time for relaxation. I write my Christmas cards and letters while enjoying a holiday movie on the telly with my sons. Have a wine party with pals while you each wrap some of your Christmas presents. You get a chore done while partying. Spend time with a godchild while you bake Christmas cookies.
  • Cheating is okay. Not every dish has to be made from scratch. Good Housekeeping magazine for example, has a meal or single product from a variety of stores which is blind tested and then judged. These tasters rate them on most like homemade or best flavours. Take the winner, dump the packaging, place it on your nice china, and wait for the compliments. I buy pre-cooked meat for some holiday meals and heat it up with my homemade herb marinade. My sons enjoy it.
  • Do what you can ahead of time so you are having fun on the actual holiday. I make mashed potatoes the night before and sometimes the veggies too. Desserts can be from a decadent bakery or posh shop. I enlist a teenage son to bake cookies and he gives some of them to his friends. I make pizzelle cookies which have a long shelf life that lasts through the holiday season. It is helpful to get prep work and baking done while the kids are in bed so that you can look at lights, go to a pantomime or other fun activities.
  • Divorce is a stressful time and tempers may flare. A little generosity goes a long way. If you can be flexible with your irritating soon-to-be-ex and allow him extra time with the children when his family comes into town, then he may pass the courtesy on to you. Buying your ex-wife a little gift from the kids may soothe any hurt feelings and make co-parenting a bit smoother. Treating others as you want to be treated benefits you as well as them.
  • Start new holiday traditions. Ask your children what rituals are important to them and drop the less favourite ones. Come up with some different ones when starting a new life in the post-divorce period. I only have cousins across the country so holidays are just my two sons and me. We have lattes with a snack at a coffee shop we like near the cinema. After enjoying a movie, we have a festive meal at home on my Christmas Spode china. Decide what traditions work out best for you in this new transition.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Photo by Gift Habeshaw on Unsplash

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why work with a divorce lawyer
Divorces are extremely stressful and they can be further complicated when children are involved.
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Why Work with a Divorce Lawyer

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C&W LeeMarston
Lee Marston, Partner at Clough & Willis.

 

The doing away with Legal Aid has courted much controversy in the media, across the legal community and for those people who have been affected by its demise.

This has been coupled with a government sponsored push to drive compulsory Mediation Information Assessment Meetings (MIAMs) for those who are involved in a family dispute such as a divorce or a child custody case.

On the face of it, this is a typical – and sweeping – government tick-box exercise:

 

 
~ Cut the Legal Aid Bill? TICK

~ Push people towards taking up mediation in order to de-clutter the crowded court system? TICK

~ The only losers are the lawyers, so no public sympathy there? TICK

Well, no…. the reality isn’t the above as life isn’t as simple as the cosseted few who sit in the Westminster Village think it is.

In terms of non criminal or immigration Legal Aid work,  the governments’ spend was small potatoes – especially as a significant sum was recovered by getting a charge on property or receiving back costs from cash recovered/ preserved by the assisted person.

In children cases this was not the norm; but, like in financial claims, the application for public funding was still subject to a merits and means test. That way, the deserving and vulnerable received help and could be represented.

Before an application can be made to court for a divorce or child custody case, clients are now required to attend a MIAM.

The aim of the meeting is to see if mediation could be used to resolve their difficulties, rather than going straight to court.

Despite MIAMs being compulsory, there has been a dramatic reduction in take up – mainly because clients have not seen a lawyer who can make them aware of their choices.

The government’s new approach and its focus on mediation assumes:

~ That every person in a relationship is equal in strength and knowledge

why work with a divorce lawyer
Why work with a divorce lawyer? Divorces are extremely stressful and they can be further complicated when children are involved.

~ That there will be no problem establishing true disclosure for an informed decision

~ That there will be no problems agreeing the value of properties or shares

~ That there will be a reasonable approach to the financial need of the financially weaker party

~ That everyone knows the likely reaction of an existing mortgagee to a proposed agreement

~ That the implications of everyone tied to an existing mortgage are the same

~ That a mediator is someone who can give sound information as to the likely realms of a settlement

I would question every one of the above as I am increasingly coming across what I feel are under settled potential agreements. The fact of the matter is that people require the strength and expertise of a specialist family lawyer on their team.

Solicitors ensure full and frank disclosure and provide expert advice on settlement. By having that knowledge and experience on side, clients can make an informed decision; especially as all advice is tailored by a cost/ benefit analysis. That is, at each stage, comparing likely court imposed settlement to an offer made and balancing that with what further legal costs might be incurred.

Mediation can, of course, work if everyone involved is open, honest and trustworthy and as long as one party is not able to pressurise or browbeat the other.

However, the onus is now on the stretched Judiciary to mediate and impose its views, but this isn’t feasible due to the time it has available and the increasing number of litigants in person (an individual, company or organisation that is not represented in court by a solicitor or barrister) it deals with. These factors can result is many adjournments and it’s hard to be sure if there has been appropriate disclosure from both sides.

To sum up, divorces are extremely stressful and they can be further complicated when children are involved.

I passionately believe that clients shouldn’t go it alone as having a real person on their side who can guide them through the process, challenge where necessary and advise on their own set of circumstances will give them the best chance of securing a fair and just agreement.

www.clough-willis.co.uk

Lee Marston, became a partner in 2001 and heads up the Family Law team at Clough & Willis.

He is a Resolution Accredited Specialist in the financial side of divorce and children disputes. He was a founding member of the Family Law Panel in 2005 and has practised solely in Family Law for over fifteen years. He is particularly known for his vigour in pursuing his clients’ rights, especially when dealing with financial and parental issues.

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