effects of divorce on children

The Pathfinder Process: Putting Children First in Divorce

Arzu Lone
Arzu Lone
Divorce & Family Law Solicitor
Woolley & Co Solicitors

The Child Impact Report: What Separating Parents Need to Know

Family court proceedings have traditionally been seen as time-consuming and emotionally draining, with important concerns around safety not always addressed as early as they should have been. To address this, the Pathfinder Courts pilot launched in Dorset and Wales in 2022, before expanding across South-East Wales, Birmingham, West Yorkshire, and several other regions. The pilot significantly reduced the time to resolve cases by more than seven months and has been widely welcomed. In March it was announced that the process – now known as Child Focused Courts – would be expanded throughout England and Wales. 

At the heart of this new system sits a single document: the Child Impact Report (CIR). Here is what every parent needs to understand about it. 

What the CIR Is and Who Prepares It

The Child Impact Report is a comprehensive welfare assessment that provides a child-led analysis of a child’s lived experience, safety, and emotional needs. Governed by the Child Impact Assessment Framework (CIAF), it replaces the traditional Safeguarding Letter and Section 7 report with a single investigative document filed early in proceedings. It is prepared by a Family Court Adviser (FCA) from Cafcass – the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service – or, where children’s services are already involved, by a local authority social worker.  

The CIR is split into two parts. Part 1 is the main report, completed first. The court can order a Part 2 report if anything has changed for the child or more information becomes available after Part 1 was conducted.  

When Does the Process Begin?

The Pathfinder process begins when an application (C100 or C1A) is issued. The court reviews the application and sends an order to Cafcass on Day 1. Safeguarding checks are completed within seven working days. The case is allocated to a Family Court Adviser, and if a full assessment is required, the FCA completes the Child Impact Report within 40 working days, minus the seven used for initial screening.  

For parents, this means the clock starts immediately. There is no extended period of procedural delay before Cafcass becomes meaningfully involved, and that changes everything about how parents need to prepare. 

What Parents Are Asked to Provide

Cafcass will make enquiries with the police, local authority where required, and schools, and will contact the parties to discuss the children and any risks posed to them. Parents can expect to be contacted by their FCA relatively quickly. The CIR sets out basic information about the family and collates information from different sources, including schools, health agencies, and wider family members. Where appropriate, it also incorporates a risk assessment from a domestic abuse specialist.  

How Children Are Involved

Children are seen in person within 15 working days from allocation, where appropriate. For younger children, this may involve observation during a home visit rather than a formal conversation; for older children and teenagers, a more direct discussion is likely. Decisions about interviewing children are generally taken sensitively, especially where children have special needs, with schools the preferred venue.  

Crucially, children are not being asked to choose between parents. The purpose is to understand their experiences, concerns, and wishes so these can properly inform the court’s decision-making. A child who expresses a preference is not casting a deciding vote – the court weighs those views alongside age, maturity, and all other welfare considerations.  

Things Worth Knowing Before You Start

Most parents going through this process are doing their best in genuinely difficult circumstances. The points below are a heads-up about common misunderstandings that can make things harder than they need to be. 

Keep the focus on your child, not your co-parent. It’s natural to want to explain the full history of what’s gone wrong. But the CIR is about your child’s experience and welfare, not about who was right or wrong. You’ll make the most of your time with the FCA by coming prepared to talk about your child – their routines, friendships, how they’ve been coping, and what they need. 

Try not to prepare your child for their Cafcass visit. A brief, calm reassurance that someone wants to find out how they’re doing is fine. But coaching them on what to say, even with good intentions, puts them under pressure. FCAs are skilled at helping children feel at ease, so the best thing you can do is let that happen. 

Your child won’t be asked to choose sides. The FCA’s role is to understand your child’s feelings and experiences, not to ask them to make a decision. Be careful how you explain the process to them – framing it as “you get to tell the judge where you want to live” can create anxiety and unrealistic expectations. 

Respond to Cafcass promptly. The early stages are crucial, as information provided at the outset can shape the entire case. Getting back to Cafcass quickly ensures your perspective is fully reflected in the report.  

If you disagree with the CIR, there is a proper route. Any challenge should be made within seven days of the second gatekeeping hearing by applying to vary the order. Speak to your solicitor – that is always more effective than contacting the Cafcass officer directly. 

How to Approach the Process Constructively

The most useful reframe for any parent is this: the question is not “how do I win?” but “how do I help the court understand my child’s life and needs?” 

Courts under Pathfinder expect parents to demonstrate insight into their child’s experience and the impact of parental conflict. A parent who can speak coherently about their child’s routines, friendships, school life, emotional needs, and how the separation has affected them – rather than primarily about the failures of the other parent – is far more likely to make a positive impression on a Family Court Adviser.  

If there are genuine safety concerns – domestic abuse, substance misuse, or risk of harm – these should be raised clearly and factually. Specialist domestic abuse organisations may conduct risk assessments and provide ongoing support throughout proceedings. Parents who have experienced abuse should not be deterred from raising it out of concern that Pathfinder’s emphasis on non-adversarial resolution means serious risks will be minimised. The CIR specifically incorporates domestic abuse risk assessment where relevant.  

What Happens After the CIR Is Submitted

The judge reviews the CIR and decides how to proceed. This may involve referring parents to mediation or non-mediative interventions, ordering further assessments, making an interim order, or holding a decision hearing to make a final order.  

Cases without complex safety concerns, but where agreement cannot be reached, may be allocated to the adjudication track and proceed to a decision hearing. More complex cases – typically involving allegations of domestic abuse requiring fact-finding – are allocated to the case management track. While these may require multiple hearings, the court has clearer information about risks and welfare concerns from a much earlier stage.  

This new model means that the first court hearing may also be the last. Because the CIR has already placed comprehensive welfare information before the court, judges can and do make final orders at the first Information and Decision Hearing so the importance of the Child Impact Report cannot be overstated.

Read more articles by Woolley & Co Solicitors.

About Arzu Lone

Arzu Lone is a family solicitor with Woolley & Co, Solicitors. She is based in Sutton Coldfield and is focused on helping clients at every stage of separation and family proceedings. Arzu brings over 15 years’ experience specialising exclusively in family law, advising clients on all aspects of relationship breakdown including divorce, financial settlements and children matters. She also has particular expertise in complex cases, including cross-border divorce and high-conflict children disputes involving sensitive issues such as coercive and controlling behaviour.

When Your Kids Bring Up The Divorce Years Later

Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

My son was seven when I separated from his dad. He’s eighteen now.

Yesterday, we met for coffee and a catch-up. We haven’t caught up for a few weeks — he’s busy studying engineering at uni, working with kids in an after-school programme, and staying committed to his gym routine.

It breaks my heart a little, but this is what happens as our kids grow up. They start building lives of their own, as they should.

We get on really well. We laugh a lot. I’ve noticed he’s opening up more these days, especially about what his friends are going through as they start to face the reality of becoming young men.

I like this glimpse into his world. It gives me a chance to listen, and sometimes offer a little wisdom if it feels right.

Somehow, we ended up talking about the divorce. We don’t usually, but recently he’s brought it up a few times.

We were sitting on the beach, not far from the little house I rented just after the split. He was seven. His sister was four.

We started remembering that house together. How small it was, but how cosy it felt. It had ocean views and sunlight pouring through the windows. It felt safe.

He said that when he thinks back to our divorce, he always thinks of that house. He remembered feeling sad, but not really knowing why. I told him I felt really sad too. It was a hard time for all of us.

Hearing him talk about it now, from his young adult self looking back, stirred something in me. It wasn’t the same sharp guilt I used to feel. That knife has dulled a bit. But there’s still something there that sits uncomfortably in my body.

He remembered seeing a child psychologist back then. He’d developed sleep anxiety after the separation, and my ex and I organised support for him. Six sessions helped. After that, he was able to stay in bed and settle more easily.

He couldn’t remember everything they talked about, but he said he just felt better after each session. One moment stood out. The psychologist had asked him, “What will happen if you don’t get to sleep?” And he’d answered, “I’ll be tired at school, and I won’t learn anything.”

Sitting there on the beach, he reflected, “I guess my brain just needed something to hook into. I didn’t realise it was actually worry about you guys splitting up.”

As he said it, I felt that familiar ache rising. But I stayed with him. I shared my memories too. I didn’t brush it away. It still hurts to look back sometimes. That’s the reality of divorce when you have children. The grief doesn’t vanish. It gets quieter, but it lives inside you.

He told me he thought we’d had the best possible divorce. That he always felt loved and supported by both of us. That we did everything we could to stay connected as a family, even while things were changing.

I reminded him that back then, when he overcame his sleep struggles, I’d told him: You’re the one who got yourself through this. Not me. Not the psychologist. You did that. And now, that same strength can help carry you through other tough times you’ll face.

Divorce is sad. It affects everyone in the family. I’ve never pretended otherwise.

But the truth is, none of us can avoid sadness and grief in life. We all face loss at some point.

And while none of us would choose divorce, sometimes it chooses us.

It’s only when we come out the other side that we start to see the bigger picture. And even then, we still have moments of doubt. We wonder what if we’d tried harder. What if we’d done it differently?

But eventually, we come to trust that there was no other path. Even when it’s still murky.

That conversation with my son reminded me of this graphic I’ve shared on Instagram. It highlights beautifully to me how we don’t ‘get over’ our divorces and leave it all behind. We integrate the experience so that we can still experience love and happiness as we begin to heal.

That’s what this is. You don’t erase divorce grief. Especially when you share children and you keep parenting through all the stages that follow. There are always new milestones, new reflections, new chances to wonder what might’ve been.

As I dropped him back at his dad’s house, where he lives now that he’s in college, I felt that ache again. Not because anything was wrong. Just the quiet recognition that this grief wants to be felt sometimes.

It’s part of my story.

And knowing that, accepting that, is what helps me stay present when these moments come. It’s what allows me to sit with my kids when they need to revisit it, like my son did yesterday.

Not to fix.

Not to defend.

Just to sit beside him.

Even when it hurts.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

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I’m Divorcing A Narcissist – What Do I Need to Know

Sarah Barr-Young
Sarah Barr-Young
Head of Financial Remedies Department
Jones Myers, Harrogate

Sponsored post by Jones Myers.

The decision to divorce is among the most difficult and distressing decisions for anyone to take.  It presents numerous emotional, financial and practical challenges, even where both agree the relationship is over.

Severing ties with a narcissist – especially if you are the one instigating the break up – can present even greater obstacles and complications. In this article I share insights into behaviours of narcissists, and how to find the right family lawyer to help you come  through it.

What are the traits of a narcissist?

The origins of the term narcissism date back to Greek mythology when Narcissus, a handsome and self-absorbed young man, fell in love with his reflection in a pool of water.

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition which is included in the broader category of personality disorders and wide-ranging studies reveal around 70 percent  of narcissists are male.

The following are some common traits of narcissism, which experts say originate from a combination of genetic, developmental and environment factors:

  • Inflated ego/sense of self importance
  • Craving for constant attention and admiration
  • Lack of feelings and empathy for others (including nearest and dearest)
  • Highly controlling/competitive nature and desire to dominate
  • Fragile self-esteem

How do narcissists react to divorce?

 In general, narcissists do not marry for love, respect and affection, they tie the knot for stability and to boost their standing and dominance. If a divorce is initiated by their spouse, and not on their terms, it can prompt extreme reactions, reigniting their worst fears of self-abandonment and isolation.

In what ways do they make separation difficult? 

 Due to their overwhelming need to manipulate people and circumstances, narcissists are known to employ tactics to try to control every aspect of the divorce.

This can include racking up unnecessary legal costs for their spouse and prolonging and hampering financial disclosure which legally obliges both parties to provide open and honest details of their financial circumstances. Such machinations then delay the financial settlement which brings legal closure to the financial aspects of divorce.

These combative ploys to thwart the instigating party at every turn are deliberately intended to wear down their ex- spouse and derail the divorce process.

How does divorce affect the children of narcissists?

Narcissists’ obsession to ‘win at any cost’ can see them trying to use their children as pawns and deprive them of time with the other parent – even when it is not in the children’s best interests.

How do I secure the best legal advice to guide me through this maze?

By working with family specialists like me who are highly experienced in dealing with high conflict individuals and have successfully steered clients through impediments which they initially thought to be insurmountable.

At Jones Myers our experts can advise you of your options, help to prevent costs from spiralling out of control and guide you through the complexities. We do this by deploying strategies to  secure you the best solutions regarding financial settlements and fair child arrangements so you can embrace the next chapter of your life.

For queries on divorce, separation or any aspect of family law, call 0113 246 0055 (Leeds) 01423 276104 (Harrogate), 01904 202550 (York). Visit www.jonesmyers.co.uk, info@jonesmyers.co.uk or tweet @helpwithdivorce.

Jones Myers blog is ranked 5th among the Uk’s Best 20 Family Law Blogs and Websites to follow in 2026.

About Sarah Barr-Young

Sarah brings a wealth of expertise to her role as Head of Jones Myers’ award-winning Financial Remedies Department at the firm’s Harrogate town centre office.

Highly experienced in complex, high net worth financial disputes, Sarah’s reputation in business property portfolios, pensions on divorce and resolving disputes out of court through negotiation is widely recognised.

A named Legal 500 ‘Key’ Lawyer and Chambers ‘Notable Practitioner’, Sarah is respected and valued by clients as a strong ‘no nonsense’, knowledgeable, strategist who is also patient and empathetic.

A long-standing admirer of Jones Myers’ reputation for delivering excellence in client care and legal services of the highest calibre, Sarah relishes the opportunity to be instrumental to the practice’s continued growth.

Sarah is an accredited resolution specialist in Complex Financial Remedies and Private Children Law and is a Member of Resolution.

Emotional Readiness and Co-Parenting: Why You Shouldn’t Rush Up a Mountain
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Emotional Readiness and Co-Parenting: Why You Shouldn’t Rush Up a Mountain

Jimi Odell
Jimi Odell
Content manager
OnePlusOne

Between the day you decide to separate and the day you finally feel settled in your new co-parenting life, there is a mountain to climb. It can be daunting and you may not feel ready to take that first step but, when children are involved, you know you’re going to have to start climbing at some point.

Emotional readiness is a key factor in how well you’ll fare on your climb. During a separation, your emotional wellbeing can take a big hit, and it’s normal to experience a range of strong emotions. If you stumble into making co-parenting arrangements while these emotions are still running wild, it can be like trying to climb with no pack, no plan, and no shoes on your feet.

It’s a different mountain for everyone, so nobody can tell you exactly which path to follow, or how long it’s going to take. Some will find it’s a steady climb with their ex-partner alongside them, and others may find themselves exhausted at base camp wondering where their ex has got to. But, even though nobody has climbed your mountain before, lots of people have climbed mountains – you can learn from their experiences, and even borrow their tools.

Emotional readiness is your ability to make effective co-parenting arrangements and handle disagreements with your ex-partner (Barlow et al., 2014).

A separation is a life-changing event and it’s very common to be dealing with a jumble of emotions that may include any combination of shame, guilt, anxiety, bitterness, anger, frustration, and more. There’s often a sense of failure or loss as you reshape your vision of the future and your understanding of the relationship. There are often positive emotions in the mix too – you may have a strong sense of relief or even hope for the future, and these can also affect the way you approach decisions.

Whatever you’re going through, all of these emotions can affect your judgement and your ability to make long-term practical decisions. At a time when you’re trying to figure out where you and your ex will live, and making important decisions about how your children will split their time, emotional readiness plays a huge part.

Emotional Readiness and Co-Parenting

When you are emotionally ready, you will be more likely to find a way through to making amicable agreements with your ex-partner. If you’re not emotionally ready, you may need support with things like communication to help you get through the next phase. Trying to make big decisions when you are not emotionally ready can actually make things worse in the long term, so it’s important to give yourself space to adjust (Barlow et al 2014).

You may find that it gets easier in time, but if you’ve already locked in your co-parenting arrangements, it can be difficult to go back and change things. Consider where you’re at right now, and where your ex-partner might be at, and try to factor that into how you make those arrangements. 

If you’re still feeling a lot of strong emotions, it might be better to make short- or medium-term arrangements for now, with a plan to reconvene when you are both feeling more settled. Having a written parenting plan can help you manage this, especially if you build in an agreement to review your plans and adjust them based on how they’ve been working. You might want to choose a time frame for this – say, three or six months, depending on what feels right for your family.

Emotional adjustment happens at different speeds for different people. As you climb your own personal mountain, it’s likely you’ll find that you and your ex don’t reach the summit at the same time. You may take completely different routes to get there. 

A big part of this comes down to which of you initiated the separation. If it was your idea to separate, you’ll have had much longer than your ex to get used to the idea. You’ve probably been making plans in the back of your mind for a while. If, on the other hand, it was your ex-partner’s idea to separate, you might still be in shock at the sudden change, with no idea about what you’re going to do next. It’ll take some time to accept things before you can even begin to make plans.

Whichever side of the mountain you’re on, try to be considerate to the idea that you and your ex-partner are having different experiences. You may need to be patient while your ex catches up, or accept that your ex is further along in the journey than you.

Measuring Emotional Readiness

You might already have a sense of your own emotional readiness, just based on how you feel, but there is an accurate and scientific way of measuring it. In 2020, a team of researchers published their findings about a test called the Emotional Adaptation to Relationship Dissolution Assessment (or EARDA for short). The ten-question test takes a measure of how you’re feeling in ten key emotional areas (Millings et al. 2020):

  • Shame
  • Guilt
  • Relief
  • Anxiety
  • Loss
  • Anger
  • Resentment
  • Frustration
  • Failure
  • Hope

Even just taking this test can be a useful process to help you reflect on how you are doing now, and whether anything is starting to shift. You can find this tool on OnePlusOne’s free co-parenting app, Separating better along with lots of support on how to deal with difficult emotions, talking to children, housing, finance, and more. There’s also a free parenting plan and a video course to help you work on your communication skills so that you can start to improve your emotional readiness.

Think of it as a set of climbing tools that you can put in your pocket and look at any time you feel stuck on the side of the mountain. The app is available for free at least until the end of January 2026.

About Jimi Odell

Jimi Odell is a writer who has specialised in parenting and relationships for over 15 years. He has worked with the charity OnePlusOne since 2014, creating evidence-based support and interventions to help people get on better. He is one of the creators behind the Separating better co-parenting app, a one-stop shop for separating parents which includes Behaviour Modelling Training videos to help co-parents learn conflict resolution and positive communication skills.

"They'll Be Fine": Why Saying Kids are Resilient After Divorce Isn't the Whole Truth
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“They’ll Be Fine”: Why Saying Kids are Resilient After Divorce Isn’t the Whole Truth

Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Co-Founder
Divorceworkshop

I went to a social worker as a teenager for over two years. And yes, it helped. I could finally talk about the horrendous things that happened to me growing up. But the truth? We only scratched the surface. The deeper wounds stayed buried. 

As a child of a high-conflict divorce, I didn’t realise how much the instability and constant tension were shaping me. On the outside, I looked like I was fine. Inside, I was just surviving. 

In my twenties, my mom gently pointed out that I seemed to overreact to little things. She was right. I felt edgy, overwhelmed, and ashamed of how easily I snapped. I had no idea what was going on with me. Was it my parents’ divorce and conflict? My father’s and stepmother’s toxic behavior toward my mom and me, and their need for control? Had this unstable and neglectful environment affected me so much? Yes, apparently it had. 

But here’s the thing: children don’t always show the effects of divorce right away. On the outside, I looked like I was managing. I went to school, had friends, did what I was “supposed” to do. I even made it to university, earned my first degree, and completed a post-grad programme. 

That’s what adults often see as resilience in kids during divorce: a child carrying on, coping, adapting. What’s harder to see is the cost of that coping. 

My story isn’t unique. Many children of divorce appear to be “fine” while silently carrying pain that surfaces years later. And that’s why I want to pause on the phrase we all hear, and sometimes even say ourselves: “Kids are resilient.”

Therapy and Understanding

Four and a half years of therapy later, I began to understand myself better. I wasn’t just “reactive.” I was having trauma responses. My nervous system had learned to survive chaos, and all the emotions I had stuffed away were finally demanding to be felt. 

That’s what unresolved childhood pain and anxiety look like. It doesn’t always surface immediately; it comes out later in our bodies, our emotions, and our relationships. 

And yet, through it all, I kept hearing the same refrain: “They’ll be fine. Kids bounce back”. 

The truth? Resilience doesn’t mean untouched. It doesn’t mean unaffected. It means that for some children, they survive, but survival can carry invisible scars that take years to heal. 

Why We Say It

If you’re a parent going through a separation or divorce, especially a high-conflict one, you’ve probably said it too: the kids will be okay,” or you really hope they will be. 

It slips out almost automatically, a way to calm the fear of not knowing how deeply this might be affecting your child. We don’t always say it because it’s true. We say it because we need it to be. 

And those messages don’t just come from inside us. They echo all around us, through friends, family, teachers, even strangers: 

  • “They’ll adjust.” 
  • “Kids are tough.” 
  • “My cousin’s kids turned out fine.”

Society, too, is uneasy with grief, conflict, and uncertainty. It feels safer to lean on comforting shortcuts than to sit with the reality that children might be struggling. That’s why “Kids are resilient” becomes our shield. 

A Psychological Shortcut

When I was studying for my thanatology degree, I learned about Terror Management Theory (TMT), sometimes explained more simply as the Anxiety Buffer Theory. The core idea is this: when painful truths feel unbearable, our minds cling to beliefs that make the world feel less threatening. 

Take divorce, for example. Parents often reassure themselves with, “They’ll adjust.And while it’s true that children can adapt, this belief often functions as a protective shield for the parent. It eases guilt, fear, and shame about the impact divorce may have on their kids. The danger is that it can keep us from seeing what children really need: emotional safety, reassurance, and consistent support. 

We do this in other areas of life, too. Imagine hearing that a neighbour has been diagnosed with lung cancer. A common first response is, “Were they a smoker?” If the answer is yes, it reduces our anxiety; we can tell ourselves the illness was linked to a choice, which makes us feel safer. But if the answer is no, the truth feels scarier, because it reminds us that illness can strike anyone, even without warning. 

What If They’re Not Fine?

Divorce, especially high-conflict divorce, does affect children. It touches:

  • Their nervous system
  • Their sense of safety 
  • Their ability to trust 
  • Their beliefs about love and conflict 

Not every child shows it right away. Some hold it together because they think that’s their role. But holding it in doesn’t mean they’re okay. 

Resilience isn’t pretending nothing happened. It’s built through emotional safety, consistency, validation, and supportive relationships. 

What Children Need

If you’re navigating divorce, here’s how to support real resilience: 

  • Emotional Safety: Let them feel all their emotions, anger, sadness, relief, without trying to fix them. 
  • Consistency: Keep routines where you can. Predictability is grounding. 
  • Honest Reassurance: Remind them it’s not their fault. Tell them they’re loved. Explain what will stay the same. 
  • Permission to Love Both Parents (if safe): Kids should never feel like they have to choose sides. 
  • Therapeutic Support: Even short-term counseling can give children tools and language to process what’s happening. 

You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to show up, reflect, and let them know it’s safe to be real with you.

Why We Hold Onto “They’ll Be Fine”

Parents usually don’t say it to dismiss their kids. They say it to survive their pain. The alternative, that our choices or circumstances might hurt our children, is heavy. But pain doesn’t vanish when we deny it. It resurfaces later, often in ways we don’t expect. 

My mom probably didn’t know. It was the 1970s, and back then, people assumed divorce was just between the adults and that kids would simply bounce back. She did her best with what she had, and I hold a lot of compassion for what she went through without much support. 

But today, we know better. The effects are real. It’s time to let go of the shortcut phrases, “kids are resilient,” “they’ll bounce back,” as ways to comfort ourselves. Research is clear: resilience isn’t automatic. Children don’t just bounce back from divorce, especially in high-conflict situations. Resilience has to be nurtured through emotional safety, consistency, and support. 

The hopeful part? Research also shows that most children can and do turn out well when they have even one supportive parent who shows up consistently and provides a secure base. One safe, steady relationship can be enough to anchor them and foster resilience. 

Children deserve more than survival; they deserve healing. Resilience isn’t something they magically possess. It’s something we help them build. And the first step is awareness: not assuming they’ll be fine, but committing to helping them become so. 

References 

  • Greenberg, J., Solomon, S., & Pyszczynski, T. (1997). Terror management theory of self-esteem and cultural worldviews: Empirical assessments and conceptual refinements. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 29, 61–139.
  • https://doi.org/10.1016/S0065-2601(08)60016-9 
  • Masten, A. S. (2001). Ordinary magic: Resilience processes in development. American Psychologist, 56(3), 227–238. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.56.3.227

Disclaimer: This blog reflects my personal experiences and research. It is not a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or legal advice. If you or your children are struggling during or after divorce, please reach out to a qualified mental health professional for support.

Read more articles by Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand holds a rare university degree in Thanatology and a B.A. in Sociology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” coming out this October, and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. As a private counsellor and coach, Karen specialises in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. Having navigated her own high-conflict divorce, she is also the mother of two lovely daughters.

Supporting Children Emotionally and Mentally During Family Transitions
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Supporting Children Emotionally and Mentally During Family Transitions

Noel McDermott
Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

Mental health expert Noel McDermott examines what our children need through periods of transition; it’s first important to understand what we mean psychologically by a transition. A transition isn’t just a change of something, it is a change that requires an emotional adjustment. To some extent this type of change, a transition, is mediated by age and experience, but there are also some types of change that require an insight into transition, or adjustment needs, for all of us and especially kids. Transition needs affect humans in general and are linked to deep needs we have connected to survival mechanisms. These transition issues generally fall into 3 categories often called central life circumstances:

  1. Home – place of safety and survival
  2. Love relations – family, close friends, romantic partner
  3. Work – meaningful productive activity that is social and has survival outcomes (school, workplace, university)

Changes to these areas will likely produce transitional phenomena which are behavioural and emotional disturbances that might see A) a reversion to previous coping mechanisms (regression) or B) the development of new coping mechanisms (adaptations.) Typically coping mechanisms are designed to manage distress and some will be fine and some might be upsetting or even destructive. Types of coping mechanisms or soothing mechanisms in younger kids that we accept as normal might be:

  • Being clinging
  • Being grizzly emotionally
  • Thumb sucking, return to pacifier
  • Holding on to ‘blankie’

If age appropriate we don’t notice these and assume correctly they will grow out of it, but when they are a little older and we see these behaviours suddenly emerge again, which they can and do through transitions, we might get worried. But, regression is normal when the three central life circumstances are affected as are adaptions. The key question is are they doing something to help? Adaptations in particular may be unhelpful or what we call ‘maladaptive’. Examples might be aggression, self harming, substance misuse, excessive drinking. These might seem extreme but often they might emerge over time. More subtle forms of expressing distress in children in particular would be sleep disturbances, changes on mood, appetite, withdrawal etc.

The question is how do we reduce the risk of disturbance during transition and when it does emerge help our kids and ourselves manage it? These are some key ideas to utilise:

Normalisation – knowing and accepting that transitions can be upsetting allows us to normalise and explain to ourselves and our children what is happening. Often it’s the magnification or catastrophising of the behaviours that is the problem. When we can say, ‘oh this is normal’ during times of change we can manage things better

PPP – plan, prepare and practice. Plan: If you know the change is coming discuss it before it happens, if it’s a big change start the discussions early, some months before. Prepare: Get folk on board with organising the practicalities which facilitates normalisation, discussion and empowerment. Practice: If say moving home, go visit the new place or area. Stay there if possible for a night or two before moving etc. Build an emotional ‘on ramp’ that allows the reality of the change to be grown into, as opposed to an emotional cliff edge where you all fall off and smash into the rocks of the new reality below

Increase soothing and support for all before during and after the change. More movie nights on the sofa, more self care, more massages, more spa days, more friends and fun, more family meets and openness about feelings, tell the school, work and all support networks about the transition and ask for understanding

Refocus on the four corners of health and wellbeing:

  1. Nutrition (hydration) – eat well and regularly (in between the movie night binges of course!)
  2. Sleep and rest regularly
  3. Get moving and exercise
  4. Manage stress with relaxation, massage, meditation

Often adapting these approaches will not only take the sting out, but it will also mean you have no discernible negative transition issues. Or if you do have them, they are less intense and of shorter duration. If there is a history in your children or yourself of mental health issues, eating disorders, addiction etc then it is super important to focus on support and also developing individual plans for those involved around relapse prevention; for example should a mental health professional be brought in to help, should medication be used prophylactically to reduce the risk of relapse?

Read more articles by Noel McDermott.

About Noel McDermott

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

Divorce & Disabled Children: Why a Child’s Needs are Paramount
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Divorce & Disabled Children: Why a Child’s Needs are Paramount

Sarah Whitelegge
Sarah Whitelegge
Legal Director
Myerson Solicitors

Why a child’s needs are the paramount consideration on divorce

On divorce, the court will consider a list of factors under section 25 of the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 when deciding how assets are to be divided.

Section 25 (1) provides that the court must give first consideration to the welfare of a child of the family who has not attained the age of 18.

The Matrimonial Causes Act 1973, Section 52 (1) defines a child of the family as:

  • A child of both parties; and
  • Any other child who has been treated by both parties to a marriage as a child of their family (not including a foster child placed with the parties as foster parents by the local authority or voluntary agency).

The court will have regard to the child’s housing and day to day income needs and such needs may take on a greater significance in comparison with the other factors to which the court must have regard to in cases where the assets and means of the parties are limited.

Factors the court will consider

The court must have regard to all the circumstances of the case and will look at all the relevant issues that are not specifically address in the Matrimonial Causes At 1973 Section 25(2) checklist.

 The Section 25 factors considered by the court on financial provision include the following:

  • The income, earning capacity and other financial resources each party has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future.
  • The financial needs, obligations and responsibilities each party has or is likely to have.
  • The standard of living enjoyed by the family before the breakdown of the marriage.
  • The age of each party and the duration of the marriage.
  • Any physical or mental disability of either party.
  • The contributions each party has made or is likely to make to the welfare of the family.
  • The conduct of each party.

The weight given to each factor depends on the particular facts and circumstances of each case. The objective is to achieve a fair outcome. An equal division of the marital assets may be appropriate where there is sufficient capital to house both parents. In cases where the assets are more limited, the needs of the child may override issues of equal sharing.

Dividing assets in a divorce is rarely straightforward but when a child has significant physical or learning disability, the question of housing is important. If the family home has been adapted with ramps, hoists, widened doorways or sensory safe spaces, it may be impractical ad unsafe to move a child to a new property that is not set up to meet the needs of the child.

Consideration will need to be given as to whether the adapted property should remain with the parent who is the primary carer.

The court will consider expenses associated with the child’s accommodation and basic expenses such as the cost of food and clothing. The court will also have regard to the standard of living of the family and all the circumstances of the case, including how the children are educated.

Section 25(2) above refers to the financial needs, obligations and responsibilities each parent has in relation to a child, but these responsibilities will not disappear when a child turns 18 particularly if a child has lifelong needs.

If a child has a disability, this may constitute special circumstances that may allow a financial provision order to be made that extends beyond their 18th birthday. Additionally, the court may make a maintenance order to meet expenses attributable to the child’s disability provided the criteria set out in CSA 1991, Section 8 (8) are fulfilled.

The court will wish to ensure that adequate provision is made for children with a disability and it may consider making periodical payments order or lump sum order to meet capital expenditure if, for example, any special equipment is required.

Child support for children with special needs

The court has jurisdiction to make orders for maintenance in respect of a child with special needs, notwithstanding the general restrictions upon making periodical payments for the benefit of a child who falls within the jurisdiction of the Child Maintenance Service. The court can make these orders regardless of whether an application for a maintenance calculation has been made.

Nesting arrangements

If separated parents feel that it will be of benefit to their child to provide some consistency, consideration may be given to a nesting arrangement. This involves separated parents taking it in turns to look after their children in the family home while the other parent temporarily lives elsewhere. This means that the child can stay in one home while parents rotate in and out of that home.

For a disabled child, this can be a helpful arrangement as it avoids moving equipment that the child may need and ensures the child remains in a familiar adapted space.

However, what may suit the child’s welfare may not be financially sustainable for the parents long-term and nesting may be a temporary measure rather than a permanent solution.

Planning for transition

Many parents of disabled children will find that support that was available through children’s services may fall away and for separated parents in divorce proceedings this presents an added dimension: financial settlements and child maintenance orders often assume that support for children ends at adulthood, but for many young disabled people their needs remain lifelong.

The Care Act 2014 provides when the local authority has carried out an assessment, information should be provided about whether the young person or child’s acer is likely to have eligible needs for care and support when they turn 18.

The Care Act 2014 sets out when the local authority has a responsibility to meet someone’s care and support needs. The act gives local authorities a legal responsibility to provide a care and support plan (or a support plan in the case of a carer). The personal budget must be included in the plan, and this adds to a person right to ask for a direct payment to meet some or all their needs.

The Children and Families Act creates a birth to 25 years Education, Health and Care Plan for children and young people with special educational needs and offers families personal budgets so that they have control over the type of support they receive.

Practical tips for separating parents of disabled children

On separation it is important to consider the following questions:

  • Should child maintenance or financial provision extend beyond 18 where a disabled young adult cannot support themselves
  • Can any settlement include provision for long-term care, sometimes structured through a trust
  • How should parents balance their own retirement planning against the knowledge that their child may always need financial and practical support

Read more articles by Sarah Whitelegge.

Read more articles by Myerson Solicitors.

About Sarah Whitelegge

Sarah Whitelegge is a Legal Director at Myerson Solicitors, Altrincham, Cheshire. She advises on a wide range of family matters including divorce, dissolution of civil partnerships, financial settlements, separation, co-habitation, pre and postnuptial agreements, disputes regarding children and domestic violence.

She is particularly experienced in matters concerning complex children matters and has experience of dealing with applications for child arrangement orders, prohibited steps orders, specific issue orders, and special guardianship orders.

She has significant advocacy experience, having regularly appeared in the Family Courts representing clients in relation to private law children matters, financial order proceedings and domestic violence matters.

Sarah is a committed member of Resolution and has achieved specialist accreditation in private children law and domestic violence.

For more information about Myerson Solicitors and its Family Team, visit: https://www.myerson.co.uk/personal/family-law

Separate But United - Parenting Post-Divorce
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Separate But United – Parenting Post-Divorce

Richard Bromfield
Richard Bromfield, Ph.D.
Clinical Faculty Member
Harvard Medical School

On a gorgeous spring day, a friend and I walked my dog down Newbury Street in Boston. We passed by a sidewalk café where a young girl sat with her father, eating sundaes, which were what first caught our attention. Two empty chairs were full of shopping bags.

“Divorced father,” my friend said as matter-of-factly as if he’d identified a Dalmatian dog or a vintage ’65 Mustang. Who knows if my friend was right? If I had to bet, though, I’d go with his hunch.

I suspect the majority of divorced fathers do not take their daughters out for lunch and fancy shopping sprees every weekend. But many of the divorced fathers I’ve worked with try to make their time with their children fun. It is often at the father’s place that kids seem to watch movies that aren’t allowed with their moms, eat foods that aren’t allowed at home, and stay up later than they should. You get the picture.

And, of course–I can hear the thunderous protests–political correctness and reality require my proviso that sometimes it’s the other way around, meaning stricter fathers and more indulgent mothers.

When children spend less time at your home and with you, there is a tendency to make the most of it. This fosters an unnatural and unhealthy disequilibrium where the primary home is left to discipline, set limits, establish structure, hold expectations, and perform the harder necessities of family life. The “visitation” home becomes the place for everything else. Divorce can make the “removed” parent feel less central, critical, and essential to the children’s daily life and caring. Not always, of course, but sometimes.

The child, however, needs their parents to be parents and do the important parenting stuff just as much as ever, probably more now. The child needs that parent to be there for all of the things that the same parent might do in an intact home and marriage. Both parents need to nurture, feed, care, support, inspire, and discipline. The out-of-the-primary home parent must be careful that, even when they have limited visitation, they build in room and space for the essentials of everyday life, whether it’s toothbrushing or getting the math problems done or doing that ten minutes of reading or, just as necessary sometimes, to be in conflict that needs resolving. In some ways, a child’s not getting that stuff is tantamount to losing that parent.

If overindulgence is an issue, it’s an issue, divorce notwithstanding.

Spouses who are divorced can have a wide range of difficulty negotiating and communicating around family life (the same difficulty they had while married). Strive to get over it, or at least, create enough space to discuss, problem-solve, and implement parenting plans in collaboration. Children do not need their parents to be in perfect synchrony. The goal is not for two parents to live and parent as one.

Do your utmost to uphold your end of the parenting equation, even if you dislike your ex. If, for example, your ex confronts you about having no bedtimes for your elementary-school-aged children, try looking in the mirror and being candid with yourself before going into a rant about what you judge to be your ex’s uptight and critical view of parenting. Even if the two of you couldn’t get along, could your ex maybe be right that you have difficulty getting the kids to bed at a reasonable time? Even if, in your opinion, your ex fails to do so much else, can you possibly note and say Good job for the way they managed some situation with your child?

Strive to do what’s needed, regardless of what your ex does. Children know the score, and at the end of the day (more like in adulthood), they will acknowledge the good parenting that came their way. Resist battling via the children. Avoid competing for their love with lenience or indulgence. This is sure to cause your children harm, sometimes big harm, and instill all the wrong messages about love, relationships, and life. Divorce itself shakes a child’s world.

Children who undergo divorce want to know that their relationships with both parents are strong and secure and not susceptible to bribery. Love me enough, to not just buy me things, but to deal with the real (parenting) stuff I need to grow well.

In my experience, I have seen several fortunate sets of divorcing and divorced parents who’ve taken their life transition as a challenge to their parenting, specifically their indulging of their children. These parents took the divorce as an opportunity not just to separate from their spouse, but to reassess their parenting. They each recognised that the guilt, pain, and distraction of divorce can lead to more lenient, aimless, and indulgent parenting, especially as the hurt of a divorce makes husband and wife, father and mother, needier for their children’s love and attention. Instead of surrendering to those untoward forces, these parents committed to a joint enterprise of guarding against their competition for the child’s affection and approval.

If there’s one single Golden Rule for divorced parents, it is to try one’s best to respect and honour the child’s love for the other parent. Nothing can make a child feel more loved by and devoted to one parent than that parent’s allowing the child to love the other parent.

I realise that this expects a lot, maybe too much of people who have experienced a lot of hurt. But what else is there to do?

About Richard Bromfield

Richard Bromfield is a clinical faculty member of Harvard Medical School, he is author of Playing for Real: Exploring Child Therapy and the Inner Worlds of Children and How to Unspoil Your Child Fast (2025).

Help Shape the Future of Support for Separated Families
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Help Shape the Future of Support for Separated Families

Soila Sindiyo
Dr Soila Sindiyo
Counselling Psychologist and Founding Editor of The Divorce Magazine

We’ve been contacted by Dr Sarah Foley, Lecturer in Developmental Psychology at the University of Edinburgh, about an exciting new research project exploring parenting after divorce or separation.

The Parenting After Divorce or Separation Study aims to better understand family life and children’s wellbeing in different post-separation child arrangements, particularly in families who have not gone through the court system.

This research will help inform future support for separated parents and their children, filling an important gap in what we know about post-separation family experiences.

Who Can Take Part?

The research team is looking to hear from parents who:

  • Have children aged 4–8
  • Live in Scotland or England
  • Are comfortable taking part in English
  • Have been separated for at least six months
  • Have regular contact with their child
  • Do not have a court-ordered child arrangement

What’s Involved?

If you take part, you’ll be asked to:

  • Join a confidential online interview and complete a survey
  • Optionally involve your child in child-friendly storytelling or game-based activities

(These are completely optional and designed to be fun and engaging for children)

Participation is entirely voluntary and confidential.

How to Get Involved

If you meet the criteria above, or know someone who does, you can learn more and register your interest here.

For questions about the study, you can contact Dr Sarah Foley directly at:
sarah.foley@ed.ac.uk

We’ll be sharing the findings of this important research once the study is complete. By taking part, you’ll be helping to build a deeper understanding of how separated families live, parent, and thrive, and how support can be improved in the future.

Navigating Family Changes in a Positive Way
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Navigating Family Changes in a Positive Way

Noel McDermott
Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

Getting a hug during times of change 

One of the most important things to learn about having healthy ways of navigating change is to fully accept that a different set of rules apply to transitions for all humans. Change is perceived by our primitive functioning brain as a threat. Predictability and routine are standard elements in the prescription bundle in modern psychological therapies for treating all forms of psychological distress.
Various words are used for this, containment being a useful one in this context. When distressed we find it difficult to contain our feelings and they can spill over. Imagine your child crying due to something beyond theirs or your control, and you scoop them up and hug them into your arms and gradually the tears subside. You help them contain the distressing feelings. In some ways predictability and routine are like that for us in the background of our lives helping us navigate challenges. Imagine now during the middle of the distress you drop your child and tell them to stop being silly?
Change to our personal circumstances can feel very much like being dropped when we are distressed. So, what can we do to create a new pair of arms to help hug us when we have been dropped? Again, think about your child, somehow, they are ok simply with the hug, it’s not the circumstances that you change, but the feeling in your kid of the capacity to survive and manage. Similarly, it’s not possible to stop the change, it’s happening, but it is possible to manage the emotional distress allowing yourself and others to function better.

What are these new arms holding us?

Normalisation or forgiveness of self and others – it’s normal to be distressed during times of personal change and understanding that allows us to accept that our own behaviour and that of others is based on the distress about the situation and not a moral, personal or psychological failing. It may be that one of the reasons the change is happening is because of another’s unacceptable behaviour in the relationship for example, and it is likely to get worse during the transition. Knowing this and not being unrealistic about how well you or others will cope is crucial in lowering the distress. In the same way that you know your child will be ok in your arms, you too will be ok if held and comforted and being able to link the behaviours to the situation tells us that it will pass.

Transitional phenomena – teddy bears and comfort blankets

When our kids are growing especially during the time they begin to psychologically individuate from the primary carer they develop attachments to special toys or pieces of cloth. These special objects represent emotionally the special relationship to the primary carer and have the advantage of being portable when the carer isn’t. They can to some extent stand in for the actual comforting presence of the carer. These transitional phenomena allow our children to manage this change in reality as the carer is no longer magically available to them. So, allow yourself that or allow that in others. Try to avoid using alcohol, anger or drugs to facilitate the transition and instead stick to warm humans or the equivalent stand by. If you haven’t got an emergency teddy bear in your life, time to get one!

Empowering the embrace of change

There is a large body of evidence to show that people who feel empowered in life manage better, even when they have exactly the same circumstances as others, the outcomes are better. Whilst it is important to risk assess in intimate relationships if we can feel like we have some power over change, and circumstances we manage much better. The key task is something along the lines of accept what you can’t change and change what you can. You can’t for example, change the fact of a divorce, or the fact that the person you are divorcing is behaving in an exaggerated form of the person you wish to divorce but you can say, what is in my power to change here? Maybe you can change your health and wellbeing activities and increase your exercise? Maybe you can reduce your unhealthy coping through drink? Maybe you can engage in random acts of kindness to strangers without possibility of reward rather than spreading your gloom? Finding all these things that you can influence and do will be comforting and help you manage better

Create ritual and structure

Ritual during change is a key strategy that humans have developed through time to help manage the distress of change and unpredictability. Rituals allow us to ascribe bigger meaning to suffering and develop and maintain purpose. This has the impact of reducing both anxiety and crucially depression through loss of meaning. We are meaning making machines and we invest meaning into our relationships with others and if they change, we can lose that invested meaning… but by transferring that to something bigger we can reduce the depression relapse in our functioning. It’s unlikely that your situation has never been experienced by any other human ever before, in fact, millions will have experienced it. Doing even a cursory search you will be able to find how others through common cultural expression have developed meaning in change. You can adapt these to meet your needs.

Compassion and kindness to self

Listen to John Lennon, “whatever gets you through the night is alright” – projecting compassion reduces stress in yourself and improves everything around you—but that compassion has to start with yourself.

Read more articles by Noel McDermott.

About Noel McDermott

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

Right to Flight: Warning Issued Over Parental Holiday Permission
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Right to Flight: Warning Issued Over Parental Holiday Permission

Natasha Aspinall
Natasha Aspinall
Family & Matrimonial Solicitor
Brindley Twist Tafft & James LLP

A growing number of parents with children from previous relationships incorrectly assume they have an automatic right to take the whole family on holiday, warns leading law firm Brindley Twist Tafft & James.

A couple planning to take a stepchild on a break may not realise they need the other biological parent’s consent if both parents share Parental Responsibility, a legal term surrounding the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities, and authorities a parent has in relation to a child under the law.

All mothers will automatically have Parental Responsibility together with fathers who are registered on the birth certificate. They will not lose it if they are divorced or the civil partnership is dissolved.

The issue is growing in importance with the increase in the number of ‘blended’ families, where each partner has children from a previous relationship. Roughly 1.1 million children in England and Wales live in blended families, according to UK Government figures.

Family & Matrimonial Solicitor, Natasha Aspinall at leading law firm Brindley Twist Tafft & James, says there is a common misconception that those who hold Parental Responsibility in relation to their child or children automatically have a right to take their child abroad.

“This is incorrect,” she said. “The term Parental Responsibility attempts to focus on the parents’ duties toward their child rather than the parents’ rights over the child.

“The general day-to-day decisions should be made by the parent with whom the children reside without interference from the other parent, subject to any additional provisions.  Important decisions regarding a child, such as taking a child abroad for an extended stay for example, need to be made by everyone with Parental Responsibility for the child.

“If a blended family wants to go on a break, it’s generally necessary to obtain the other parent’s agreement. If the biological parent doesn’t agree, you might need to apply to the court for permission. No one wants to discover this when the bags are waiting by the doorway and the airport taxi is booked.

“What time each parent is to spend with a child is to be agreed between the parties and if an agreement cannot be reached then either party will need to make an application to the court for a Child Arrangements Order (CAO).”

A CAO is a legally binding court order in the UK that specifies where a child will live, who they will spend time with, and the nature of that contact. The court will expect the parties to have engaged in mediation before the application is made.

“CAOs let each parent, as well as their new partners, know where they stand and prevent misunderstandings and disagreement, leading to more stability for the child,” Natasha adds. “It also helps ease any uncertainty for the parent that does not live with the child by alleviating any anxiety they may have about feeling like the ‘lesser’ parent.”

Read more articles by Brindley Twist Tafft & James Solicitors.

About Natasha Aspinall

Natasha qualified as a Solicitor in 2003. She joined Brindley Twist Tafft & James LLP in our Family & Matrimonial department in November 2022, based out of our Balsall Common office. Natasha joins us from a local Solicitors firm where she worked as Head of the Family Law department for the last 5 years.

Strengthening Family Bonds Post Divorce
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Strengthening Family Bonds Post Divorce

Despina Mavridou
Despina Mavridou
Author, Mediator, Lawyer

I’m not a psychologist or therapist, so I won’t give you professional advice on how to strengthen family bonds after divorce. But what I can offer is my own experience, as a child whose parents didn’t manage to keep those bonds alive. And I can tell you from the heart: it matters more than you think.

My parents didn’t just stop speaking, they only spoke to fight. Not to communicate, not to listen, and definitely not to put their children’s needs first. It was their own egos, pain, and frustration that took over. And as a result, my relationship with my dad, and with his side of the family, especially my grandparents, deteriorated more with each passing year.

At the beginning (i.e., the first month), it seemed like things would be okay. But very quickly, everything fell apart.

My mum began telling us the divorce was my dad’s fault. She said his parents never supported her. Then my dad started saying he didn’t have enough money to support us and moved in with the girlfriend he had left my mother for. His parents pushed to stay in our lives, while my mum’s family was firmly against them.

The myth of the “good girl” I had grown up with — the girl who pleased everyone — was now completely confused. What did I have to do to keep that title, when my world no longer made sense?

How do you think a 13, 14, or 15-year-old girl is supposed to handle a situation like that? Or my little sister, who was only 6, 7, or 8 at the time?

It was a real nightmare. And it left wounds I carried for years, wounds that shaped the way I saw love, trust, and family.

That’s why I’m sharing this. To show just how important it is to protect the family bonds after divorce. Because for children, it’s almost impossible to truly hate one of their parents — unless they’ve been exposed to violence or abuse. Children need both parents. And deep down, they know they are half Mum and half Dad. Forcing them to hate one parent is like asking them to reject part of themselves.

As a woman, I can now understand how hard it must have been for my mum — the betrayal, the financial pressure, the loss of trust. My dad constantly complained that he couldn’t afford to support us. But here’s the truth: when you give money to your ex, you’re not supporting them, you’re supporting your children. It’s a way to show up for your kids.

Communication between my parents was almost nonexistent. It felt like they were speaking two entirely different languages. And what I remember most as a child was the confusion, the frustration, the fear of abandonment, and the trauma of living in a family that could no longer function.

Kids need both parents in their lives. So whatever you do, you have to find a way to communicate, even if it’s only about the basics.

Think of it like starting a job you hate, working under a boss you dislike. But quitting isn’t an option because you need the income. Would you find a way to communicate? Probably, yes. So why not do the same for the most important part of your life, your children?

And please, don’t badmouth the other parent in front of your children. These comments may make you feel good for two seconds, like a small emotional win, but they leave deep, invisible scars on your child. Scars they may carry silently for years, even a lifetime.

You need to work on creating a sense of coexistence, enough to attend school events, graduations, and birthday parties together without conflict and without your children fearing that if they invite both parents, there will be a fight or it will feel awkward. One way to get there is by working on yourself, ideally with the support of a therapist or coach.

Put yourself in your child’s shoes. Avoid running from difficult conversations. Avoid trying to “save money” by withholding support, because in doing that, you’re not hurting your ex. You’re hurting your child.

Learn to accept yourself, and the other parent, with all the mistakes included.

Is it easy? Oh my God, no — it’s not easy at all.

But kids don’t have the tools or maturity to deal with a broken family when the adults can’t even speak. You do. You are the adult in the room. And if you don’t step up, the message your children receive is that love fails, marriage is doomed, and if it doesn’t work out, they are somehow less worthy.

That’s a burden they will carry into their own relationships — unless you break the cycle.

I’ve seen families thrive after divorce — truly thrive. And what they had in common was that each parent worked through their emotions separately, rather than using the children as weapons or messengers.

I know some ex-partners can make things extremely difficult. It takes two to rebuild parallel lives with respect and boundaries. But in the end, every hard conversation you have, every ounce of restraint you show, is something you do not just for your kids, but for yourself.

Because the greatest gift you can give your children post-divorce isn’t a perfect life, it’s a peaceful one. And the chance to grow into an adult who isn’t burdened by unresolved divorce trauma.

Read more articles by Despina Mavridou.

About Despina Mavridou

My name is Despina Mavridou. I am an author, a mediator and a lawyer in Greece.

I experienced the negative effects of divorce due to my parents’ separation when I was ten years old. For many years I was in the middle of their fights, trying to find a balance. When I was approx. 17 years old, I decided that I didn’t want to see my dad anymore. This cost me my relationship with him for more than 20 years (we have reunited recently).

After many years working as a lawyer, in the last four years I discovered mediation and also my passion for writing. For this reason, I left my job as a lawyer to concentrate on my passion.

My first published book is titled Mum, Dad, Can you hear me? and it is partially based on my personal story. I always wanted to share certain things with my parents to make them understand how I was feeling about their divorce.

Moreover, working as a mediator in family dispute issues, I saw how difficult it is for parents to get in their kid’s shoes.

The specific book Mum, Dad Can you hear me? serves dual purpose.

On one hand I want to help children understand that divorce is not the end of the world and that they can have both parents in their lives.

On the other hand, I want to help parents see divorce through the eyes of a ten-year-old girl to better understand the thoughts, needs and feelings of children and how important it is for them to have both parents in their lives.

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