Well-being

Coping with Divorce/Well-being/Your Emotions

Stop Demonizing Divorce. Start Supporting the People Going Through It.

Published on September 18, 2026September 10, 2026

Natasha Bacca
Divorce Doula, Mediator & Writer

It’s time we stopped confusing preserving marriages with protecting families—and replaced judgment with compassion.

There are few major life transitions we still expect people to endure with as much shame as divorce.

When someone is diagnosed with a serious illness, we rally around them. When someone loses a loved one, we bring food, send flowers, check in, and make room for grief.

But when a marriage ends?

People often disappear.

Friends don’t know what to say. Families quietly take sides. Communities that once offered belonging can become sources of judgment. The person going through the divorce may feel pressure to explain what happened, defend why they are leaving, prove they tried hard enough— or remain silent altogether.

Divorce is still too often framed as a personal failure. A broken promise. A selfish choice. Evidence that someone didn’t try hard enough to save their family.

And that framing does real harm.

Because divorce is rarely a simple choice between staying married and walking away.

Sometimes a marriage ends because of betrayal, addiction, abuse, coercion, chronic conflict, or years of emotional harm. Sometimes one person wants the divorce and the other is devastated by it.

Sometimes two people love each other and still cannot create a healthy life together. Sometimes people spend years trying to repair a relationship before finally acknowledging that staying is costing them too much.

And sometimes ending a marriage is not the destruction of a family. Sometimes it is the beginning of making that family safer.

Whatever brought someone to divorce, they are already facing one of the most significant transitions of their lives. What they need from the people around them is not another layer of judgment.

They need compassion.

The Cost of Stigma

Divorce stigma doesn’t simply hurt people’s feelings. It can influence the decisions they make long before anyone files paperwork.

When people believe ending a marriage makes them a failure, they may stay silent longer. They may minimize what is happening inside their homes. They may hesitate to ask for help or tell the truth about their relationships.

They may remain in harmful dynamics because leaving feels morally worse than suffering. For parents, the pressure can be even greater.

Stay for the kids.

Keep the family together.

Don’t be the one who breaks up the home.

But preserving a marriage and preserving a healthy family are not always the same thing.

By the time some couples finally separate, years of damage have accumulated. Resentment has deepened. Communication has deteriorated. Finances may be strained. Children may have spent years absorbing tension between their parents.

The divorce didn’t necessarily create all of that.

It may simply have revealed what was already there.

Stigma does not necessarily prevent divorce. Sometimes it simply delays support until families are already in crisis.

This Is Not a Fringe Experience

Nearly one-third of American children experience parental divorce before reaching adulthood, according to a 2025 study using linked tax and Census records for more than five million children.

Think about the scale of that for a moment.

This is not a rare family aberration. It is a major childhood and family transition experienced by millions of people—and one that deserves far more thoughtful support than our culture currently provides.

Yet we continue to treat divorce as something families should whisper about. Something parents should apologize for.

Something children should be protected from discussing.

Something adults should have to justify before receiving compassion.

When an experience touches this many families, shame is not a solution.

Support is.

What We Get Wrong About Children and Divorce

Divorce can be hard on children. We should acknowledge that plainly.

It can bring enormous changes: two homes, altered routines, financial stress, grief, uncertainty, and less access to one or both parents.

But “divorce can hurt children” is not the same thing as “parents should stay married for their children.”

Research tells a much more complicated story. A 2022 review of the literature on children’s adjustment to divorce found that the family environment before and after divorce—particularly the level of interparental conflict—plays a crucial role in how children fare.

In other words, the legal end of the marriage is only one part of the story.

The environment children are living in matters enormously.

Decades of research have also linked interparental conflict with emotional and behavioral difficulties in children, and those associations exist in both married and divorced families.

A marriage can remain legally intact while a family is emotionally falling apart.

Children can live with married parents and still grow up surrounded by hostility, contempt, fear, volatility, silence, or chronic tension. They can learn that love means enduring disrespect. They can learn that keeping a family together matters more than the wellbeing of the people inside it.

Those lessons matter, too.

The marriage certificate itself is not what makes a home safe.

So perhaps the question should not simply be, Is divorce bad for children?

A better question is:

What environment gives these particular children the greatest opportunity to feel safe, loved, connected, and emotionally secure?

Sometimes the answer will be helping parents repair their marriage. Sometimes it will be helping them separate well.

Either way, shame should not be making the decision.

Divorce Is a Life Transition, Not a Moral Diagnosis

There is something else we rarely acknowledge: for some people, divorce is not the beginning of their suffering.

It is the end of it.

That does not mean divorce is painless.

Relief and grief can exist at the same time. A person can know that ending a marriage was necessary and still mourn the family they hoped they would have. They can feel freer and terrified. Heartbroken and hopeful. Certain and devastated.

Divorce can affect housing, finances, parenting, identity, friendships, traditions, community, and a person’s understanding of their own future—sometimes all at once.

Research on marital dissolution and health reflects that complexity. Divorce can be a significant stressor associated with poorer health outcomes for some people, while research also finds that resilience is the most common trajectory following marital separation.

Both things can be true.

Divorce can be deeply destabilizing, and people can rebuild lives of health, connection, and meaning afterward.

And yet we often expect people going through divorce to function as though they are simply completing a legal transaction.

They may be asked to make enormous financial decisions, navigate an unfamiliar legal system, figure out where they will live, protect their children, negotiate parenting arrangements, grieve their marriage, keep working, keep parenting—and somehow remain perfectly calm and rational through all of it.

Then we judge them when they struggle.

What if we treated divorce not as evidence of someone’s moral failure, but as a major human transition deserving meaningful support?

Supporting Divorce Does Not Mean Promoting It

This is where conversations about divorce often become unnecessarily polarized. If we stop demonizing divorce, some people fear we are somehow encouraging it.

But supporting people through divorce doesn’t promote divorce any more than caring for someone with cancer promotes cancer.

We can value marriage and still acknowledge that not every marriage should continue.

We can believe relationships deserve effort while recognizing that effort has limits.

We can encourage repair without demanding endurance.

And we can support someone whose marriage is ending without requiring every private detail before deciding whether they deserve our compassion.

The goal is not more divorce.

The goal is less unnecessary suffering.

What Real Support Looks Like

So what would it look like to respond differently? We could start by breaking the silence.

Many people say nothing because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing. But silence can feel remarkably similar to abandonment when someone’s entire life is changing.

I’m thinking about you.

I’m here.

What would feel supportive right now?

Those words matter.
We could resist the urge to immediately judge, diagnose, interrogate, or assign blame.

We could become more curious and less certain that we understand someone else’s marriage from the outside.

What appears sudden may have been unfolding privately for years. The person who files for divorce may not be the person who ended the marriage in every meaningful sense. There may be grief, betrayal, relief, love, fear, responsibility, and hope tangled together in ways outsiders will never fully understand.

And perhaps most importantly, we could stop requiring people to prove that their marriage was terrible enough to justify leaving it.

There does not have to be a villain in every divorce.

Sometimes a relationship has simply reached its end.

Sometimes staying requires one person to disappear inside it.

Sometimes leaving is the most honest thing someone has done in years.

Whatever the circumstances, someone facing the loss of their marriage should not have to earn basic human compassion.

We Need a Better Story About Divorce

Divorce reshapes households, friendships, finances, workplaces, schools, and communities.

It is not a private aberration happening to a small group of people who somehow failed at marriage.

It is part of the landscape of human relationships.

That does not mean we should celebrate every divorce or pretend separation carries no consequences.

It means we should become mature enough to hold multiple truths at once. Divorce can be deeply painful.

Divorce can affect children.

Marriage can be worth fighting for.

And ending a marriage can sometimes be the healthiest choice available.

We can value marriage without treating divorce as a moral failure. We can acknowledge that divorce can be painful for children without assuming that an intact marriage is always the healthiest home. We can believe relationships deserve effort without believing people must suffer indefinitely to prove they tried hard enough.

The goal shouldn’t be keeping every marriage intact. The goal should be protecting the wellbeing of the people inside our families.

Sometimes that means helping a marriage heal.

Sometimes it means helping a family survive the end of one. Either way, what people need from us isn’t judgment.

It’s compassion.

About Natasha Bacca

Natasha Bacca is a divorce doula, high-conflict divorce coach, mediator, educator, and author who supports people navigating divorce, co-parenting, and major life transitions. Her work centers on helping people move through divorce with greater clarity, dignity, and support—and build meaningful lives on the other side. Learn more at NatashaBacca.com.

Coping with Divorce/Well-being

Calling Yourself “Divorced”

Published on September 4, 2026September 2, 2026

Tucker Lieberman
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

Unless you’ve always been with your secondary school sweetheart, there was probably a time when you thought of yourself as “single.” Then you were “engaged,” then “married.” If you’re headed toward divorce, your marital status will need yet another label. At some point, you’ll take a deep breath and say: “divorced.”

Whereas engagement and marriage were happy updates, divorce usually has negative feelings swirling around it, which makes people reluctant to admit that their status has changed.

However, it’s important to be honest about your marital status, especially when you’re introducing yourself to a potential new match. A Custody X Change study of recently divorced Americans found that most people wait until their divorce is finalised to start seeing someone new. You don’t ever have to start dating again, of course, but most divorced people do, whether they make an effort to meet someone new or a relationship sparks unexpectedly.

In situations like this, using the right label can be helpful. Calling yourself “divorced” quickly communicates your marital status to others so you start new relationships on solid footing. It also helps you to face facts and move forward.

Acknowledging Negative Feelings About Getting Divorced

You may be dwelling on the question of who’s responsible for the breakdown of the marriage. Maybe you sought the divorce or agreed to it, and in that sense, you “wanted” the divorce. Or maybe you resisted the divorce: your spouse asked for it, and you’ve never had much choice about it. Either way, divorce wasn’t part of your original plan when you first got married, which can make it tough to accept what’s happening.

It’s common to have multiple negative feelings about divorcing. You may feel:

Disappointed in your spouse for having betrayed you or neglected to support you.
Inadequate for having failed your spouse in some way.
Exhausted because marriage was harder than you expected.
Overwhelmed by a toxic or abusive dynamic.
Confused because you’re still in love with your spouse.
Embarrassed in front of your friends who came to your wedding, showed goodwill and spent happy times with you as a couple.
Ashamed in front of your parents or religious leaders who expected or encouraged you to stay married.
Frustrated because you didn’t have the happy marriage you believed you had worked for or deserved.
Fearful that this divorce will make you seem less desirable to future partners.

If you attach negative feelings to the idea of divorce, it’ll feel harder to call yourself “divorced.”

Feelings can be helpful indicators — even the negative ones. It’s good to notice what your ex may be feeling and to process your own feelings. Eventually, though, you may benefit from taking a more neutral view of divorce.

Uncertainty can also affect how you describe your marital status. If you’re factually unsure whether your marriage is ending or you’re not yet ready to admit it, you may avoid saying you’re “getting divorced” because you believe that’s inaccurate. You may generally avoid the topic to stop others from making false assumptions about which spouse hurt the other or which spouse walked away from the marriage. It’s understandable that you don’t want to spread falsehoods or have to deal with others’ misrepresentations of you.

If you’re a parent, though, you’ll need a way to explain the changes to your children. Ultimately you’ll have to explain it to yourself too.

When you’re ready, telling people you’re divorced is a way to speak the truth and to take control of your own narrative.

Call Yourself “Divorced” When You’re Ready

At some point in the not-too-distant future, you’ll have to communicate your marital status. You may simply be making casual conversation with neighbors or filling out a form at the doctor’s office. You’ll want to speak truthfully and also feel emotionally prepared with language that makes sense for you.

Sometimes people who are winding down a marriage want to be precise about their living arrangement or their marital status. They may call themselves “separated” while they’re still legally married but living apart from their spouse, then call themselves “divorced” only after a court finalises the end of their marriage. They may specify that they’ve gotten a financial clean break from their spouse (if they’re speaking with an estate agent or letting agent, for example).

Some people sum up by giving the relationship status “it’s complicated.” That’s fine if you don’t mind people knowing you’re going through some changes. Expect that it will provoke curiosity.

You may simply call yourself “single” to say that you don’t currently have a romantic partner. Your spouse has been an important part of your life, and you may be surprised that it isn’t always necessary to specify that you used to be married. Your ex-spouse is no longer around, so why mention them at all? “Single” can be an appropriate word choice. It implies you’re free of romantic commitments and open to a new relationship. Many people consider themselves single before their divorces are legally finalised, so pay attention to what other people mean by this word and what they believe you mean by it, so no one feels misled.

Words have power, and there’s a lot of weight in the word “divorce.” You may have an emotional moment when you call yourself “divorced” for the first time. Though it can be sad, it’s an opportunity for truthfulness, self-acceptance and the personal growth that follows.

About Tucker Lieberman

Tucker Lieberman is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change. After a decade with an investment company focusing on saving for university, he now writes about co-parenting arrangements.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

Coping with Divorce/Moving On/Well-being/Your Emotions

Managing Grief and Loss and Emotional Recovery

Published on August 14, 2026August 10, 2026

Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

Humans are attachment making animals, we form loving bonds with each other that have deep consequences for us. They shape us literally at the biological level. The hormones involved in feelings of love and happiness with each other encourage myelination in the brains, whereby physical structures are formed in the brain. We use the term ‘personality’ as a shorthand for the sum total of these interactions. When a baby is born these loving interactions form the basis of brain health and personality health. Neglected babies have literal holes in the frontal lobes where brain matter is lost. Without this frontal lobe development, the capacity to think, regulate etc are severely compromised. This process is lifelong and crucially our attachments form the basis of our ability to regulate, think, operate in the complex social web of life. The longer we have had a relationship the deeper the impact is on personality and functioning. Although this is about loving relationships myelination also happens with stress-fear based relationships and what follows about loss is equally true.

Loss in this view then, is loss of self as represented in the real, social world. It is the loss of the ongoing capacity to regulate, make sense and meaning of reality, to frame experience in a way that makes it safe (predictable, as in better the devil you know in stress based intimate relationships.) This loss of meaning is frightening and we can’t turn to the person we have lost to help us regulate that fear. For these reasons we can feel the loss of a partner in divorce for example in a complex and confusing manner, particularly if we wanted the divorce, because why would we grieve ending a relationship we didn’t want anymore?

Understanding that loss and grief is our brain and personality trying to heal from a type of injury can help us make sense of this. The brain, our personality or self is primarily a social or environmental phenomena from this view. Loss is an injury to its wellbeing, to its health. So, we need to focus on that in healing that injury.

Loss of a partner to divorce is no different to any other loss and the social framing of it shouldn’t get in the way of the deeper level of understanding. So what helps?

Develop meaning in the world again. Much spiritual and or religious practice is based on meaning making so you may find comfort in that. If you are secular, think of helping others. As social animals any activity we engage with that helps the ‘herd’ helps us. There is always someone worse of then oneself and helping them will A) help them and make the world a better place and B) help us to get a sense of perspective and feel connected to something other than our own suffering
Increase contact with loving network and fill that hole in the brain with others to help us regulate
Stay away from alcohol and drugs. Temporary relief from these chemicals which can and do hijack neurological pathways is too dangerous at times of distress. Emotional distress is a sign you need a hug not a glass of wine
You have had a major injury, what would you do with any recovery from a major injury? Correct: rest, slow down, seek help, eat well, hydrate, sleep, show compassion to yourself
Normalise your reactions. There is nothing wrong because you are healing from a psychological injury. It is to be expected. Not being able to feel loss and grief (the signs you are healing) would be more worrying. It’s okay to not be okay

It’s worth reflecting upon the healing impact of nature during times of loss. Its impact is so strong that it’s worth developing it as a unique strand of your recovery. Nature has an impact on our brains similar to mindful meditation, which is well researched to help our bodies and brains heal. Nature increases our sense of connection to each other and our feeling of wellbeing. Nature in this context does not mean out in the wilds, it can be that, but equally can be your local park or indeed a bit of gardening. It is well researched for example that putting a park in an urban area reduces violent crime in that area by up to 20%. This is due to the sense of connection and wellbeing fostered. Therapeutic horticulture (gardening) is also well researched in psychological recovery. The impact of nature is so strong that simply taking time to pass attention to a tree at your bus stop on the way to work will produce a noticeable effect. So go hug a tree and say thanks!

Finally, it’s always a good idea to check in with a mental health professional or your GP if you are worried about how you are coping. If you have a history of psychological distress, you may well need extra help such as anti-depressants. Mostly you will be met with empathy and emotional support from the professionals who can reassure you nothing is wrong, but you never know, so it’s always good to check.

About Noel McDermott

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

Coping with Divorce/Well-being

Is This Really Love? How to Detect Signs of Domestic Abuse in Relationships

Published on February 11, 2026February 9, 2026

In February, thoughts often turn to romance with messages about Valentine’s Day circulating everywhere on social media and in every shop on the high street.

It’s easy to be drawn into the hype and see our own relationships or potential relationships through the lens of what the marketing tells us love should be like.

In reality, relationships aren’t always a fairy tale where we get charmed off our feet by the likes of Benedict Bridgerton or Jeremiah Fisher.

A gift of flowers or chocolates and a card professing unending love can be very thoughtful, but what if they are done to excess (a practice known as ‘love bombing’) or are sent in an attempt to ‘make up’ following an incident of physical or verbal abuse?

It can be hard to see the signs that a relationship is abusive. This is partly because the abusive partner is often very good at hiding what they do and deflecting attention away from their actions. It is also partly because we can find it hard to accept that the person we think loves us and who we think we love could be capable of abusing us.

Although the signs of domestic abuse are wide ranging, and whilst the below is not an exhaustive list, they can include elements of the following:

Physical – hitting, slapping, hair pulling, pushing, strangulation, throwing objects at you;

Verbal – this can range from loud verbal attacks, swearing and name calling to more subtle verbal abuse such as making derogatory comments about your appearance;

Sexual – is your consent to sexual activity sought? Are you being forced to have sex when you don’t want to or manipulated into engaging in sexual activities you don’t enjoy?

Threats – are you or members of your family being threatened with violence if you fail to comply with what your partner wants?

Financial – does your partner control all the finances in the relationship and this isn’t by mutual, fully informed agreement? Does your partner take money from you or spend money in a way that puts you in financial difficulty?

Control – does your partner always want to know exactly where you’re going and who with and do they check up on you throughout? Do they harass and follow you or check your phone messages? Do they dictate what you wear?

Isolation – are you prevented from spending time with your family and friends either overtly or through more subtle means such as by your partner telling you your family are awful and you shouldn’t be spending time with them?

If you think you might be experiencing domestic abuse in your relationship there are lots of organisations who you can reach out to for specialist support including IDAS, the biggest specialist domestic abuse charity in Yorkshire.

At Jones Myers our paramount consideration is securing your safety, and we are trained in spotting the signs that there may be domestic abuse in a relationship.

Our highly experienced family lawyers can provide you with specialist help and advice regarding leaving a relationship and any protective orders that may need to be put in place for you or your children such as non-molestation or occupation orders.

For queries on domestic abuse or family law, call 0113 246 0055 (Leeds) 01423 276104 (Harrogate), 202550 (York). Visit www.jonesmyers.co.uk, email info@jonesmyers.co.uk or tweet 01904 @helpwithdivorce

About Laura Sargeant

Laura has over sixteen years’ expertise in family law. Her specialisms include domestic abuse, adoption, child arrangement orders and child protection orders.

A member of the firm’s esteemed Children’s Department based at Jones Myers’ York office, Laura was attracted by the firm’s outstanding reputation in the legal world – and how the practice always strives to deliver excellence in family law to its valued clients.

Laura finds it rewarding to support clients through a difficult period in their lives and help them to find the best solution for their unique situation.

Clients value Laura’s dedication and knowledge along with her empathy and listening skills.

Coping with Divorce/Sponsored News and Stories/Well-being/Your Emotions

Menodivorce or Menopause? Feeling out of control at Christmas

Published on December 19, 2025December 17, 2025

Sarah Barr-Young Head of Financial Remedies Department at Jones Myers, Harrogate

Sponsored post by Jones Myers.

A series of studies has highlighted a connection between menopause and divorce – with many women attributing the menopause as a key factor in their relationship breakdown.

The festive season can be a particularly stressful time for married and separated couples for several reasons. High on the are list are financial worries, concerns about seeing their children – and the pressure of expectations to make the holiday magical and memorable for loved ones.

While I am not a medical expert, I am aware that seasonal stress can exacerbate physical and mental symptoms of menopause and perimenopause, the transitional phase before menopause. They include tiredness, hot flushes and mood swings along with feelings of inadequacy and shortcomings.

As a family law specialist with extensive experience in working with women in their mid-lives, I know how hard many of them find openly discussing their emotions with their nearest and dearest, a contributory factor in findings linking menopause and divorce.

Another worrying factor from the research focuses on the vital role of solicitors. Many women who have divorced while undergoing the menopause say their family lawyers failed to include the menopause and its impact on their deteriorating relationships in divorce discussions.

While this may be attributable to a lack of awareness or understanding, it requires addressing as a priority to ensure our family law profession fulfils its responsibility to assess every aspect of our clients’ lives following a relationship breakdown and guide and support them in reaching the best possible solutions.

Jones Myers’ holistic approach explores all areas of our clients’ lives, signposting them to third parties, whether this be counsellors, therapists or IFAs, when appropriate. Our firm’s approved internal list of referrers ensures clients receive the highest quality advice for their unique circumstances.

Finances are another key area where we guide and assist clients undergoing separation or divorce.

Many perimenopausal and menopausal women deciding to make the break have chosen to sacrifice their careers or put them on hold to bring up their families. This may have prevented them from saving money or accruing a work pension, later prompting major fears of how they will manage post-divorce.

We recognise clients’ concerns over finances – and how many women during their marriages have not had to manage practicalities such as tax, standing orders or direct debits.

Helping clients to plan for their future both pre and post-divorce, our holistic approach sees us work with tried and tested financial advisers who support our clients to stay on track as they embark on the next phase of their lives.

I urge all women who are feeling the season’s pressures and thinking about divorce and separation, to seek help from professionals and family lawyers who understand the challenges they face – and who can guide them on the right path.

For queries on any aspect of family law, call Jones Myers at Leeds 0113 246 0055, Harrogate 01423 276104, or York 01904 202550. Visit www.jonesmyers.co.uk, email info@jonesmyers.co.uk or tweet @helpwithdivorce

Jones Myers blog is ranked 5th in the UK’s Best 25 family law blogs and websites to follow in 2025.

Read more articles by Jones Myers.

About Sarah Barr-Young

Sarah brings a wealth of expertise to her role as Head of Jones Myers’ award-winning Financial Remedies Department at the firm’s Harrogate town centre office.

Highly experienced in complex, high net worth financial disputes, Sarah’s reputation in business property portfolios, pensions on divorce and resolving disputes out of court through negotiation is widely recognised.

A named Legal 500 ‘Key’ Lawyer and Chambers ‘Notable Practitioner’, Sarah is respected and valued by clients as a strong ‘no nonsense’, knowledgeable, strategist who is also patient and empathetic.

A long-standing admirer of Jones Myers’ reputation for delivering excellence in client care and legal services of the highest calibre, Sarah relishes the opportunity to be instrumental to the practice’s continued growth.

Sarah is an accredited resolution specialist in Complex Financial Remedies and Private Children Law and is a Member of Resolution.

Coping with Divorce/Well-being/Your Emotions

Why Confidence Often Drops After Divorce, Even When You Wanted It

Published on November 26, 2025November 25, 2025

Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Co-Founder
Divorceworkshop

I remember lying in bed a year and a half before my divorce, thinking, I can’t even get a part-time job at the local variety store. I was once well-educated, with a degree and a postgraduate diploma, yet I felt completely worthless. My confidence had been eroded for years, and I didn’t even realise it.

Many factors influence confidence after divorce, but what’s interesting is how rarely we talk about this side of it. The divorce world often highlights freedom, fresh starts, and empowerment. And while those things can be true, there’s another side that doesn’t get enough space: the quiet collapse of confidence that so many people experience, even when they were the ones who initiated the divorce.

Research confirms this is common. Studies show that self-esteem and self-efficacy often drop significantly after divorce, even among those who chose to leave. Part of this is grief, but another part comes down to familiarity: losing the rhythm, routines, and identity you’ve known for years. Even if those patterns weren’t healthy, they were familiar, and our brains cling to what feels safe.

You might have chosen this path, knowing it was necessary. But still, somewhere between signing papers, dividing assets, and sleeping alone for the first time in years, your sense of self begins to feel unsteady. You may question things you never used to. You second-guess decisions. You may even feel smaller, less sure, or invisible.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not broken, you’re human. Here’s why it happens.

The Loss of a Mirror

Even in difficult marriages, we become used to being seen through another person’s eyes. Over time, our identity and confidence become intertwined with that reflection: partner, spouse, teammate, or co-parent. Something is comforting about that, even if it can be severely dysfunctional.

When that reflection disappears, it can feel like standing in front of a mirror that suddenly went blank. You still exist, but you no longer see yourself the same way.

Divorce removes that constant feedback loop of affirmation and belonging. You’re no longer “we”, you’re just you. And while that can ultimately be freeing, it’s disorienting at first. You can feel so lost in those moments.

This loss doesn’t just show up in big emotional waves; it sneaks into ordinary moments too. I remember the first time I went grocery shopping after the separation, it was so ingrained in my brain (attachment systems) that I automatically put things in the cart that he liked. I had to stop myself halfway through the store and say, “Karen, you do not have to do this anymore.”

Emotional Fatigue and Decision Overload

Another reason confidence dips is the sheer exhaustion that divorce brings. Every system, emotional, cognitive, and physical, is taxed. The paperwork, co-parenting logistics, housing decisions, financial pressures, and constant emotional negotiations drain your energy quickly.

Confidence is a high-energy emotion. It needs clarity, stability, and rest to flourish. When your body is in survival mode, confidence naturally declines.

I remember sitting in my lawyer’s office, completely depleted. My nervous system was frayed, and yet I was expected to make major decisions, such as what to pursue legally, what to let go of, how to respond to my ex’s false accusations, and his refusal to pay child support. I wasn’t just tired; I was dysregulated, running on adrenaline and fear. It’s no wonder confidence felt out of reach; my system was simply overwhelmed.

Mini-Tip: After stressful meetings or negotiations, move your body. Go for a walk, stretch, or literally shake out your arms and legs. These simple movements help discharge stress hormones and signal to your nervous system that the threat has passed. Confidence can’t return when your body still believes it’s under attack; it comes back when you help your body feel safe again. You’re not less capable, you’re simply exhausted.

The Threat to Safety: Financial Competence and Security

For many, especially women who may have managed the home or taken a career step back, divorce delivers a shocking blow to financial confidence. The problem isn’t just about budgeting; it’s about the primal human need for safety, particularly when children are involved.

Suddenly, you are the sole person responsible for the financial security of your family, often on a diminished income. The fear of financial precarity, the inability to pay for housing, healthcare, or a child’s needs, can quickly mask itself as a deep, incapacitating feeling of incompetence.

You might have been a highly skilled professional, but facing mortgages, insurance policies, and tax documents you never handled before can make you feel utterly lost. This crisis of competence is really an attack on your perceived ability to protect yourself and your dependents, leading to significant drops in self-trust and confidence.

Mini-Tip: To counter this, focus on building micro-competencies. Schedule one hour this week to review your full post-divorce budget, or meet with a financial advisor. Each small act of engaging with your finances, however scary, is a powerful act of reclaiming control and building measurable confidence.

Wearing the Mask of Doubt

It’s easy to mistake grief for regret. Those quiet questions, “Did I do the right thing?” “Should I have tried longer?” Their often surface is not because we want to return, but because part of us is struggling to integrate what’s been lost. I wrote about it in my recent blog on regret and grief. I talk about how what we label as “regret” is so often just grief wearing a different mask.

In thanatology, we understand that when a major attachment ends, we don’t just lose the person, we lose the structure of our lives that surrounds them: routines, identity, belonging, and the sense of continuity that tells us who we are. The grief that follows is not always for the relationship itself, but for the psychological home it once provided, even if that home was unstable.

I remember about five months after I left, my children and I were up north visiting my sisters and their families. A wedding song began to play, and out of nowhere, tears filled my eyes. I stepped out onto the deck, unable to explain why I was crying. I had left an abusive marriage, and I didn’t want that life anymore. But in that moment, what I felt wasn’t longing for him; it was grief for the part of me that had believed in that story, the one who had hoped the marriage might one day be safe, loving, and whole.

That’s the quiet complexity of post-divorce grief: it isn’t just the loss of a partner, but the death of a version of self who lived inside that relationship. Confidence doesn’t disappear; it becomes entangled with mourning. To rebuild it, we have to honour what’s died, not to stay in the past, but to integrate what those losses meant.

The Quiet Shame of “Failure”

Culturally, marriage is still seen as a sign of stability and success. Even when we know our divorce was necessary, there’s often a quiet, internalised voice whispering, I failed.

When I ran a divorce support group, this came up often. Almost everyone in the room felt like a failure. It’s hard to imagine why, especially when most of us have tried everything to make it work. And for those who left abusive relationships, the truth is, it was never going to work in the way we hoped.

That sense of shame erodes confidence because it attacks our worth at the core. But ending a marriage that no longer served you isn’t failure — it’s an act of profound courage. You didn’t fail at marriage; you succeeded at choosing yourself.

I often remind my clients, and myself, that it took tremendous strength to leave something that was breaking us down. That truth doesn’t get written or spoken about nearly enough.

Mini-Tip: When that “failure” voice shows up, pause and write down three things you did today that reflect your courage or growth. Shifting your focus from what ended to what continues builds confidence from the inside out.

The Erosion of Self-Trust

Confidence and self-trust are inseparable. After a divorce, it’s common to question both.

I remember chatting with two colleagues, and we all admitted the same thing: we didn’t fully trust ourselves anymore. We worried that if we chose the wrong person once, maybe we’d keep making the same kind of mistake. That fear isn’t rare; it’s the nervous system’s way of trying to protect us from future pain.

After a divorce, many people replay the relationship in their minds, asking: Why didn’t I leave sooner? How did I miss the signs? Can I even trust myself to choose differently next time?

These questions don’t come from weakness; they come from a longing to feel safe again.

For years, I had been told, and eventually believed, that I wasn’t the smart one. He was always positioned as the intelligent, capable one. When I finally went back to university, something he didn’t support, I began to reclaim a part of myself I had lost. I realised that I wasn’t stupid or incapable; I had just been made to doubt my own judgment for too long.

Rebuilding self-trust means learning to listen to your intuition without judgment. Each time you make a decision based on your own truth, no matter how small, that trust begins to return.

Comparison and Disconnection

Once the immediate chaos settles, another challenge appears: the pull of comparison and isolation. You start noticing how different your life looks. Social media is filled with family photos and anniversaries, and suddenly your confidence wavers.

You also lose the stability of a couple identity, which often means being dropped from mutual friend groups or feeling awkward at couple-centric social events. This loss of your established social status and subsequent isolation can severely undermine your sense of social competence and belonging.

You might feel behind or different, as if your life broke while everyone else’s stayed intact. But comparison steals the truth: you are rebuilding, not regressing.

Mini-Tip: Limit social media for a week and notice how your sense of self shifts. Measure your life by your feelings, not someone else’s highlight reel.

Relearning How to See Yourself

Divorce doesn’t just end a relationship; it ends a familiar version of yourself. It can leave you standing in unfamiliar territory, unsure of how to move forward.

Relearning who you are takes time. For me, it felt like peeling back layers of an onion. I had to start with the micro steps, small, almost invisible choices, before I could even think about the bigger ones. Each tiny act of courage built a little more confidence.

It’s still a journey. I’m still unlearning the way I saw myself for decades, but awareness and understanding have become steady companions along the way.

Confidence after divorce doesn’t come from returning to who you were before. It comes from discovering who you are now, beneath the roles, expectations, and history.

This is the real work of self-love: not vanity, but truth-telling. It’s the quiet, patient act of seeing yourself with kindness again.

Losing confidence after a divorce doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision. It means you’re human, navigating the in-between, the space between who you were and who you are becoming.

If you’re in that space right now, remember:

Your confidence isn’t gone. It’s just resting beneath the grief, waiting for the moment you start trusting yourself again.

Mini-Tip: Reflection Invitation: Today, notice one small choice you made just for yourself. Celebrate it. That is your confidence returning.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand holds a rare university degree in Thanatology and a B.A. in Sociology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” coming out this October, and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. As a private counsellor and coach, Karen specialises in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. Having navigated her own high-conflict divorce, she is also the mother of two lovely daughters.

Coping with Divorce/Well-being/Your Emotions

Finding Calm Amid Separation: A Guide to Self-Care

Published on November 21, 2025November 18, 2025

Jo Harrison Divorce Consultant and Relationship Therapist Family Law in Partnership

American naturalist and writer Hal Borland said, “No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn,” a phrase that is often used
to give hope to people going through something difficult. I know from my experience of working with people who are going through a separation, that it can feel like it really is going on forever, and it can be hard to hold onto the hope of something changing – particularly when people are going through litigation or there is high conflict.

How can you support yourself through this difficult period?

This is often a process that can take a long time and have complex developments both in the practical and physical aspects of your life as well as emotionally and psychologically. These are some of the key aspects I encourage people to think about to support their own care as they go through the process of separating…

1. Prioritise What Matters Most

This is a time of life when you may need to prioritise what is important to you in order to preserve emotional energy and resources. This might mean saying no to things, or being careful about the things you do in order to choose things that feel nurturing or positive to your wellbeing, or to not choose things that you know are going to make you feel drained or worse.

2. Set Boundaries Around Communication

Depending on the quality of relationship with your ex, it may be that when you communicate with each other it makes you feel bad or upset or it drains you. It may be that you need to communicate about certain things for example arrangements about the children. It is also possible to set boundaries for yourself around if you feel there are ways you can support yourself. For example, not reading or exchanging emails late at night when this might affect your sleep, or trying to multi task childcare and difficult conversations. Some people even set up separate email accounts so that they can be intentional about the time they read messages from their ex. If it’s possible, try to agree with each other a time that you will check in with each other to catch up regularly rather than drip feed information. (This can work really well for parents to have a time each week where they know they are going to be able to talk about things that need talking about).

3. Pick Your Battles

This may be a more challenging one, but take a moment to reflect whether there is a part of you that gets drawn into difficult communications with your ex. Are you able to pick your battles, or step back from some issues that are not as important as others? This will save your energy and allow you a bit of distance rather than keep taking you back into unhealthy dynamics.

4. Allow Yourself Time to Reflect

It is ok to be sad and to cry. Self-care is not about having a smiley face on all the time. It’s about allowing yourself space to grieve what you have lost, and allowing yourself space to try to understand what has happened.

5. Build a Support System

All of this can be supported by making sure you have a good support system. That does not just mean friends and family. It might mean booking an appointment with the GP to talk about how you are not sleeping. It might mean considering therapy to have a space to be supported with all that you are feeling. It might mean making sure you get the support of all the positive aspects of nature by making sure you have a walk each day, or the good feelings you get from exercise. Take a step back and think about what aspects of life and which people help you to feel better and supported.

6. Recognise When You Need a Break

One of the lawyers at FLiP often reminds people that having a duvet day when you just do not feel like dealing with the legal stuff is totally understandable. All she asks is that it is communicated so that you can think together about how to do what is required. This kind of dynamic thinking about what needs doing on the legal side of things can often get lost or people can feel that they are not allowed to have these kinds of conversations with their lawyers. It is really important that there is an open channel of communication about how you are feeling about doing what you need to do.

7. Reconnect with Your Identity

It’s also important to remember aspects of your identity that are not connected to you getting divorced, since it can feel so overwhelming. Make sure you make time for yourself where you are not focussed on something divorce related. Some people find it a good time to take up a new activity or hobby where they can enjoy new aspects of themselves rather than feeling focussed on all that has happened with their relationship. This may be something to work towards in time as often people can feel too overwhelmed to take on something new. Look at my thoughts on reclaiming your identity after separation here.

8. Be Kind to Yourself During the Holidays

We know that with Christmas around the corner, there are added loads on people’s shoulders, perhaps for some combined with the pressure of feeling you need to make Christmas extra special for the children now that you are separated. Be kind to yourself and do the stuff that makes you feel good and that feels doable, rather than taking on too much and feeling burned out.

Most of all, be compassionate to yourself. We know that divorce is a stressful and emotional time. Listening to yourself and what you need is important and may keep you afloat during this time of navigation.

About Jo Harrison

Jo is a Divorce Consultant and Relationship Therapist with Family Law in Partnership. She is very experienced in working with individuals and couples who are separating. A former family lawyer, Jo has a depth of experience and understands the legal process, which many if her clients find helpful.

If you would like to enquire about support individually in relation to preparing for a divorce or separation, please contact the FLiP relationship support team at E: therapists@flip.co.uk

Cohabitation Agreement/Coping with Divorce/Well-being

How to Spot if Your Partner is a Narcissist

Published on November 19, 2025November 19, 2025

Claire Chisnall Senior Associate Consilia Legal

Abuse in a marriage or civil partnership can take many different forms, such as physical, sexual, financial and emotional. There are many types of emotional abuse, which are also often referred to as psychological abuse, and this is where the form of abuse is much more complex and can be due to one party having challenging personality traits such as narcissism.

Narcissism is often dismissed as a person being selfish, self-centred or self-absorbed, but this form of abuse is much deeper than that, and how a person uses this to manipulate situations and emotions can develop over many years and can be particularly damaging for the person on the receiving end. It is important to point out that not everyone that behaves badly in a relationship is a narcissist, narcissism is much more than poor behaviour this is a pattern of troubling personality traits which we refer to further below.

What is narcissism?

Fundamentally, narcissism is a mental health condition called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It is a form of emotional manipulation which can stem from deep-rooted insecurities and a lack of self-esteem but manifests itself in many different ways, and sometimes this is not deliberate or intentional on the part of the perpetrator. Hence, a narcissist may be unaware that they are causing emotional strain on their partner, but on the other hand, some narcissists are aware and use their personality disorder to cause emotional harm. The recipient of narcissistic behaviour can feel trapped and helpless because the primary motivation of a narcissist is to have control and to manipulate, whether this is intentional or not.

Common signs of narcissistic behaviour

Although all narcissists will behave slightly differently, and of course every relationship is different, there are common traits that you may be able to identify as narcissistic behaviour:

A sense of self-importance and entitlement
Can’t show any empathy or compassion to you as a victim or any friends or family of yours
Generally charming to you initially but will often keep up a charming persona to others
Showing excessive affection and wanting constant communications at the start of a relationship, often called love bombing
Being jealous and envious of other relationships you might have
Displaying arrogance as a form of low self-esteem
Preoccupied by status and wealth
Can demonstrate aggressive tendencies as they can’t regulate their emotions properly
Very sensitive to criticism of themselves and can’t tolerate imperfections in other people
Prone to publicly humiliating you and making a joke out of it
Can be controlling and very manipulative.

A narcissist will present with more than one of the above traits, and there are differing levels of narcissistic traits, with some being far more challenging and potentially dangerous. There is generally a pattern of behaviour that develops over time which presents itself as a cycle, where one minute your partner can be loving and the next be very dismissive of you, creating a feeling of rejection resulting in you seeking validation from them. This cycle can be very damaging to your self-worth and self-esteem, especially if this been going on over a long period of time.

How to identify that your partner is a narcissist

Living with a narcissist can be exhausting and it will feel like you are always questioning yourself. It can also result in you developing low self-esteem and this could manifest itself in stress and anxiety where you feel torn between being loyal to your partner and escaping the situation. It is therefore important that you recognise the narcissistic traits in your partner and act on them. Here we have listed typical scenarios you might recognise:

Is your partner always seeking praise and admiration from you or other people?
Does your partner act like rules or laws don’t apply to them and that they deserve special treatment? Do they feel untouchable, as if they can do no wrong?
Do they like to portray a very charming character in public, but you know this is false?
Are they unable to take criticism on board?
Do they refuse to take responsibility for their actions?
Do they become excessive with flattery, gifts and seek commitment early in a relationship? Or after a fall-out?
Are they capable of giving you the silent treatment and stonewalling you for hours?
Do they always make themselves centre of a conversation and show open disinterest in talking about you?
Do they make you feel like nothing you do will ever be good enough?
Are they incapable of recognising the needs of you or other people?
Do they act impulsively for attention, and show a reckless disregard for the consequences?
Do they try to gaslight you and twist situations, so you feel like you are always in the wrong?

Some of these traits are common in a partner and can be dismissed as playful or the normal ups and downs of a relationship. But it is very easy for these behaviours to become excessive and for a pattern to form which becomes abusive behaviour. The objective of the narcissist is to have control and to manipulate situations and emotions for their own benefit, and whether this is intentional or not, it is a form of emotional abuse.

How to deal with a narcissist

Because a narcissist is hypersensitive, you often find yourself treading on eggshells around them and this makes it difficult to discuss the behaviour with them, and in some cases could result in the abuse taking on another form. If you have concerns about the behaviour of your partner and wish to escape the situation, it is important to speak to family and friends and seek their support. There are numerous resources available for those being subjected to an abusive relationship, such as the Domestic Abuse National helpline. You should take professional advice from an experienced family law solicitor, who will explain what your rights are and how you should approach a divorce and separation, or dissolving a civil partnership, if that is the course of action you have chosen.

About Claire Chisnell

Claire Chisnall, Senior Associate in the Family Team at Consilia Legal. Claire is a highly experienced family lawyer with a broad background across all areas of family law and is recognised for securing excellent outcomes for her clients through her calm, pragmatic approach.

Children of Divorce/Well-being/Your Emotions

“They’ll Be Fine”: Why Saying Kids are Resilient After Divorce Isn’t the Whole Truth

Published on October 3, 2025August 22, 2025

I went to a social worker as a teenager for over two years. And yes, it helped. I could finally talk about the horrendous things that happened to me growing up. But the truth? We only scratched the surface. The deeper wounds stayed buried.

As a child of a high-conflict divorce, I didn’t realise how much the instability and constant tension were shaping me. On the outside, I looked like I was fine. Inside, I was just surviving.

In my twenties, my mom gently pointed out that I seemed to overreact to little things. She was right. I felt edgy, overwhelmed, and ashamed of how easily I snapped. I had no idea what was going on with me. Was it my parents’ divorce and conflict? My father’s and stepmother’s toxic behavior toward my mom and me, and their need for control? Had this unstable and neglectful environment affected me so much? Yes, apparently it had.

But here’s the thing: children don’t always show the effects of divorce right away. On the outside, I looked like I was managing. I went to school, had friends, did what I was “supposed” to do. I even made it to university, earned my first degree, and completed a post-grad programme.

That’s what adults often see as resilience in kids during divorce: a child carrying on, coping, adapting. What’s harder to see is the cost of that coping.

My story isn’t unique. Many children of divorce appear to be “fine” while silently carrying pain that surfaces years later. And that’s why I want to pause on the phrase we all hear, and sometimes even say ourselves: “Kids are resilient.”

Therapy and Understanding

Four and a half years of therapy later, I began to understand myself better. I wasn’t just “reactive.” I was having trauma responses. My nervous system had learned to survive chaos, and all the emotions I had stuffed away were finally demanding to be felt.

That’s what unresolved childhood pain and anxiety look like. It doesn’t always surface immediately; it comes out later in our bodies, our emotions, and our relationships.

And yet, through it all, I kept hearing the same refrain: “They’ll be fine. Kids bounce back”.

The truth? Resilience doesn’t mean untouched. It doesn’t mean unaffected. It means that for some children, they survive, but survival can carry invisible scars that take years to heal.

Why We Say It

If you’re a parent going through a separation or divorce, especially a high-conflict one, you’ve probably said it too: “ the kids will be okay,” or you really hope they will be.

It slips out almost automatically, a way to calm the fear of not knowing how deeply this might be affecting your child. We don’t always say it because it’s true. We say it because we need it to be.

And those messages don’t just come from inside us. They echo all around us, through friends, family, teachers, even strangers:

“They’ll adjust.”
“Kids are tough.”
“My cousin’s kids turned out fine.”

Society, too, is uneasy with grief, conflict, and uncertainty. It feels safer to lean on comforting shortcuts than to sit with the reality that children might be struggling. That’s why “Kids are resilient” becomes our shield.

A Psychological Shortcut

When I was studying for my thanatology degree, I learned about Terror Management Theory (TMT), sometimes explained more simply as the Anxiety Buffer Theory. The core idea is this: when painful truths feel unbearable, our minds cling to beliefs that make the world feel less threatening.

Take divorce, for example. Parents often reassure themselves with, “They’ll adjust.” And while it’s true that children can adapt, this belief often functions as a protective shield for the parent. It eases guilt, fear, and shame about the impact divorce may have on their kids. The danger is that it can keep us from seeing what children really need: emotional safety, reassurance, and consistent support.

We do this in other areas of life, too. Imagine hearing that a neighbour has been diagnosed with lung cancer. A common first response is, “Were they a smoker?” If the answer is yes, it reduces our anxiety; we can tell ourselves the illness was linked to a choice, which makes us feel safer. But if the answer is no, the truth feels scarier, because it reminds us that illness can strike anyone, even without warning.

What If They’re Not Fine?

Divorce, especially high-conflict divorce, does affect children. It touches:

Their nervous system
Their sense of safety
Their ability to trust
Their beliefs about love and conflict

Not every child shows it right away. Some hold it together because they think that’s their role. But holding it in doesn’t mean they’re okay.

Resilience isn’t pretending nothing happened. It’s built through emotional safety, consistency, validation, and supportive relationships.

What Children Need

If you’re navigating divorce, here’s how to support real resilience:

Emotional Safety: Let them feel all their emotions, anger, sadness, relief, without trying to fix them.
Consistency: Keep routines where you can. Predictability is grounding.
Honest Reassurance: Remind them it’s not their fault. Tell them they’re loved. Explain what will stay the same.
Permission to Love Both Parents (if safe): Kids should never feel like they have to choose sides.
Therapeutic Support: Even short-term counseling can give children tools and language to process what’s happening.

You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to show up, reflect, and let them know it’s safe to be real with you.

Why We Hold Onto “They’ll Be Fine”

Parents usually don’t say it to dismiss their kids. They say it to survive their pain. The alternative, that our choices or circumstances might hurt our children, is heavy. But pain doesn’t vanish when we deny it. It resurfaces later, often in ways we don’t expect.

My mom probably didn’t know. It was the 1970s, and back then, people assumed divorce was just between the adults and that kids would simply bounce back. She did her best with what she had, and I hold a lot of compassion for what she went through without much support.

But today, we know better. The effects are real. It’s time to let go of the shortcut phrases, “kids are resilient,” “they’ll bounce back,” as ways to comfort ourselves. Research is clear: resilience isn’t automatic. Children don’t just bounce back from divorce, especially in high-conflict situations. Resilience has to be nurtured through emotional safety, consistency, and support.

The hopeful part? Research also shows that most children can and do turn out well when they have even one supportive parent who shows up consistently and provides a secure base. One safe, steady relationship can be enough to anchor them and foster resilience.

Children deserve more than survival; they deserve healing. Resilience isn’t something they magically possess. It’s something we help them build. And the first step is awareness: not assuming they’ll be fine, but committing to helping them become so.

References

Greenberg, J., Solomon, S., & Pyszczynski, T. (1997). Terror management theory of self-esteem and cultural worldviews: Empirical assessments and conceptual refinements. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 29, 61–139.
https://doi.org/10.1016/S0065-2601(08)60016-9
Masten, A. S. (2001). Ordinary magic: Resilience processes in development. American Psychologist, 56(3), 227–238. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.56.3.227

Disclaimer: This blog reflects my personal experiences and research. It is not a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or legal advice. If you or your children are struggling during or after divorce, please reach out to a qualified mental health professional for support.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand holds a rare university degree in Thanatology and a B.A. in Sociology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” coming out this October, and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. As a private counsellor and coach, Karen specialises in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. Having navigated her own high-conflict divorce, she is also the mother of two lovely daughters.

Children of Divorce/Well-being/Your Emotions

Supporting Children Emotionally and Mentally During Family Transitions

Published on September 26, 2025August 18, 2025

Mental health expert Noel McDermott examines what our children need through periods of transition; it’s first important to understand what we mean psychologically by a transition. A transition isn’t just a change of something, it is a change that requires an emotional adjustment. To some extent this type of change, a transition, is mediated by age and experience, but there are also some types of change that require an insight into transition, or adjustment needs, for all of us and especially kids. Transition needs affect humans in general and are linked to deep needs we have connected to survival mechanisms. These transition issues generally fall into 3 categories often called central life circumstances:

Home – place of safety and survival
Love relations – family, close friends, romantic partner
Work – meaningful productive activity that is social and has survival outcomes (school, workplace, university)

Changes to these areas will likely produce transitional phenomena which are behavioural and emotional disturbances that might see A) a reversion to previous coping mechanisms (regression) or B) the development of new coping mechanisms (adaptations.) Typically coping mechanisms are designed to manage distress and some will be fine and some might be upsetting or even destructive. Types of coping mechanisms or soothing mechanisms in younger kids that we accept as normal might be:

Being clinging
Being grizzly emotionally
Thumb sucking, return to pacifier
Holding on to ‘blankie’

If age appropriate we don’t notice these and assume correctly they will grow out of it, but when they are a little older and we see these behaviours suddenly emerge again, which they can and do through transitions, we might get worried. But, regression is normal when the three central life circumstances are affected as are adaptions. The key question is are they doing something to help? Adaptations in particular may be unhelpful or what we call ‘maladaptive’. Examples might be aggression, self harming, substance misuse, excessive drinking. These might seem extreme but often they might emerge over time. More subtle forms of expressing distress in children in particular would be sleep disturbances, changes on mood, appetite, withdrawal etc.

The question is how do we reduce the risk of disturbance during transition and when it does emerge help our kids and ourselves manage it? These are some key ideas to utilise:

Normalisation – knowing and accepting that transitions can be upsetting allows us to normalise and explain to ourselves and our children what is happening. Often it’s the magnification or catastrophising of the behaviours that is the problem. When we can say, ‘oh this is normal’ during times of change we can manage things better

PPP – plan, prepare and practice. Plan: If you know the change is coming discuss it before it happens, if it’s a big change start the discussions early, some months before. Prepare: Get folk on board with organising the practicalities which facilitates normalisation, discussion and empowerment. Practice: If say moving home, go visit the new place or area. Stay there if possible for a night or two before moving etc. Build an emotional ‘on ramp’ that allows the reality of the change to be grown into, as opposed to an emotional cliff edge where you all fall off and smash into the rocks of the new reality below

Increase soothing and support for all before during and after the change. More movie nights on the sofa, more self care, more massages, more spa days, more friends and fun, more family meets and openness about feelings, tell the school, work and all support networks about the transition and ask for understanding

Refocus on the four corners of health and wellbeing:

Nutrition (hydration) – eat well and regularly (in between the movie night binges of course!)
Sleep and rest regularly
Get moving and exercise
Manage stress with relaxation, massage, meditation

Often adapting these approaches will not only take the sting out, but it will also mean you have no discernible negative transition issues. Or if you do have them, they are less intense and of shorter duration. If there is a history in your children or yourself of mental health issues, eating disorders, addiction etc then it is super important to focus on support and also developing individual plans for those involved around relapse prevention; for example should a mental health professional be brought in to help, should medication be used prophylactically to reduce the risk of relapse?

About Noel McDermott

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

Well-being

Mapping Domestic Abuse in England & Wales: The Areas Most Heavily Affected

Published on September 22, 2025September 19, 2025

Charlotte Talbot
Partner – Family Law
Beecham Peacock Solicitors

Google Search Data Highlights The UK Areas Searching For The Domestic Abuse Hotline Most Often

TW: Please be aware that this article discusses domestic violence and violence against women and girls (VAWG). If you are affected by these issues, you can find free and confidential support and assistance via the organisations listed at the base of this article.

On July 24th 2025, the ONS released new statistics revealing the continued growth of the “combined measure of domestic abuse, sexual assault and stalking” in England and Wales – referring to how commonly women and girls were exposed to these crimes in 2024.

Produced on the back of the government’s commitment to halve violence against women and girls (VAWG) in the next decade, the report reinforced a disturbing truth: VAWG is a UK epidemic that is only worsening with time.

The report found that 12.8% of women and girls over the age of 16 have been victims of domestic abuse, violence or stalking – that’s almost one in eight. Survivors of such abuse are affected physically, mentally, financially and socially.

But these statistics only take into account reported crimes. A significant amount of VAWG goes unreported, due to fear of retaliation or repeated offences, the belief that a survivor will not be believed – largely due to the stigma and misogyny concerning this issue in the UK – an understandable lack of faith that real change will happen, and more.

In May of this year, the government announced a £20 million boost to expand specialist support services for domestic abuse victims, a long-overdue lifeline for crucial services that have seen increased strain over recent years. The recent Women’s Aid’s 2025 audit indicates just why this intervention is so important, citing increased demand, with 60.1% of referrals to refuge services being rejected due to capacity issues.

Included in this funding boost was £6 million specifically to support allocated helplines, a 20% boost year-on-year. This would help provide 24-hour support for those seeking immediate help regarding VAWG.

Beecham Peacock, a Newcastle-based family law specialist, works to help victims and survivors seek the justice and compensation that they deserve following VAWG incidents and continued abuse.

Inspired by the invaluable work these essential helplines offer – often acting as the first port of call for those who have decided to speak out – Beecham Peacock has decided to investigate the areas in England and Wales that have seen the highest increase in searches for ‘domestic abuse helplines’.

It is essential to highlight the ongoing and widespread nature of VAWG. The hope is that, with enough attention brought to the issue, further funding can be brought to help keep vital services open across the UK.

Methodology

Beecham Peacock used Google Search Data to find the volume of searches for ‘domestic abuse helpline’ and ‘domestic abuse help’ in every county within a region. The total number of people within the country (according to Google’s metrics) was then factored in to find the number of searches per capita.

Charlotte Talbot, specialist family law solicitor from Beecham Peacock, had this to say about the findings:

“Overall, searches on Google for ‘domestic abuse helpline’ and ‘domestic abuse help’ were searched most often in Wales (6.03 per 100k), the East of England (4.74 per 100k) and the East Midlands (4.71 per 100k).

“However, it’s important to remember that plenty of women and girls across the country will be in desperate need of support, but not yet searching for resources online out of fear.

“We confidentially support many clients who practised extreme caution when first attempting to access help, such as using anonymous modes on their web browsers. We know that many people who are experiencing domestic violence do not search for support at all, out of fear that a partner will look through their devices and find their search history,” Talbot continues.

“One of the periods that carries the most risk for women and girls experiencing domestic violence is when they make the decision to leave their abusive partner. This is why domestic abuse services are so important, providing victims and survivors with a safer way out of their situation, as well as continued support and advice.

“But government funding plays a crucial role in supporting these organisations, from traditional forms of outreach – including paying for community workers or leaflet and poster distribution – to providing beds in refuges for both women and their children.

“It’s crucial that we continue to highlight this growing issue and put pressure on the government to take further action today.”

For those who cannot safely access support online, trusted solicitors and refuges can help you find help and support.

If you or someone you love is in immediate danger, dial 999. If you need help but are unable to speak to the operator, respond to their questions with non-identifying noises, such as coughing or tapping. When prompted, press 55 – this will transfer your call directly to the police.

We have also compiled a list of charitable organisations below that provide free and confidential support:

Refuge: Free, 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline – call 0808 2000 247 or chat online Monday–Friday, 10am–10pm.
Women’s Aid: Free advice and support, whether it’s you yourself who needs help or you’re concerned about someone else. The Women’s Aid Directory contains the contact details of over 550 local support services.
Safe Spaces: UK SAYS NO MORE has set up Safe Spaces in banks and pharmacies across the UK. Walk into any participating Safe Space in your local area and ask a member of staff to access the space – you can use the space in any way you see fit. Find your nearest Safe Space.

Childline: If you’re under 18 and concerned about domestic abuse, you can call Childline for free on 0800 1111. Your phone call to Childline will not show up on any phone bills. You can also chat 1-2-1 with a Childline counsellor online.

About Charlotte Talbot

Charlotte is a Partner in the Family Department at Beecham Peacock LLP. She specialises in all aspects of Family Law. Charlotte qualified from Northumbria University on the LLB Exempting Degree in 2004 and started her training contact with Beecham Peacock in August 2004 and qualified as a Solicitor in 2006. She has been based in the Family Department since qualification and became a member of the Law Society Children Panel Accreditation Scheme in July 2010. She is also a member of the Law Society Family Law Accreditation Scheme and Resolution. Charlotte has extensive experience in all areas of Family Law.

Well-being/Your Emotions

World Suicide Prevention Day: After a Break-Up, Recognising Risk and Responding Early

Published on September 10, 2025September 8, 2025

Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS
Clinical Program Director
The Cabin Chiang Mai

Why Relationship Breakdown Magnifies Suicide Risk

A relationship ending is not a minor life event. It represents the loss of an attachment bond, and that loss can have profound consequences for psychological and physical wellbeing. Many people who function well in other areas of life describe feeling destabilised after separation or divorce. They often report fragmented sleep, inconsistent appetite, and difficulty concentrating. These reactions are not signs of weakness; they are normal physiological responses to the removal of an important source of stability. ¹ ²

Research supports this clinical reality. A large systematic review published in 2025 examined more than 100 million men across 30 countries and identified relationship breakdown as a consistent risk factor for suicidal thoughts, attempts, and deaths. The risk was especially pronounced in separated and divorced men. ³ ⁴ ⁵ ⁶ While this effect is most visible in men, women are by no means immune. The critical point is that the sudden loss of relational security creates vulnerability for anyone. Clinically, we observe a common pattern across genders: periods of agitation or heightened anxiety alternating with detachment or emotional numbness. ¹ ²

Neuroscience provides an explanation. Our nervous system relies on close relationships to regulate stress responses. When a relationship ends, the cues that maintained regulation, shared routines, presence, reassurance, are abruptly removed. ⁷ ⁸ This disorganisation can leave people feeling erratic, disoriented, and unable to manage tasks that previously felt simple. ⁹

How Suicidal Ideation Can Form After A Breakup

There are well-established psychological models that help us to understand the pathway from relational loss to suicidal risk.

The Interpersonal Theory of Suicide describes how risk increases when people experience both a loss of belonging and a sense of burdensomeness, particularly when combined with exposure to pain or a reduced fear of death. After a breakup, it is common for both belonging and self-worth to be undermined simultaneously. ¹⁰

The Integrated Motivational–Volitional (IMV) Model highlights how feelings of defeat and entrapment may give rise to suicidal thoughts, and how factors such as access to means or impulsivity determine whether those thoughts progress to action. ¹¹

Clinical practice also tells us that people struggle with the brain’s intolerance of uncertainty. After separation, individuals frequently describe compulsive cycles of rumination, the neurocognitive drive to resolve unfinished business which involves frequent replaying of conversations, messages, or imagined scenarios in an attempt to make sense of what happened. ¹² ¹³ This is not a character flaw; it reflects the mind’s effort to close unresolved loops.

In some cases, this process extends to an almost mythic weight placed on “final notes” or explanations. ¹⁴ Lee says “ultimately when rumination cannot close the loop, people may elevate the idea of a definitive explanation, farewell, or “final note” into something larger than life. It becomes mythic in the sense that it carries disproportionate symbolic importance, a perceived way to bring closure to unbearable uncertainty.”

We also know from the Polyvagal Theory that when attachment bonds rupture, the nervous system may lose access to its calm, socially engaged state. Instead, it can shift into patterns of fight, flight, or shutdown. ¹⁵ Recognising these biological processes helps us to treat them with compassion rather than judgement.

The Red Flags: What To Watch For After A Relationship Ends

Established public health guidance lists a number of clear warning signs for suicide, including talking about wanting to die, feeling trapped or being a burden, marked increases in substance use, agitation or rage, social withdrawal, disrupted sleep, dramatic mood swings, searching for methods, or making specific plans. ¹⁶ ¹⁷

Following a breakup, there are additional indicators to watch for:

Somatic dysregulation, such as restless sleep, exhaustion, and difficulty thinking clearly. ¹⁸
Avoidance of tasks that confirm the new reality, for example unopened letters or ignored legal documents, combined with intense responses to everyday reminders. ¹⁹ ²⁰
Fluctuations between anxiety and numbness, often appearing outwardly functional while internally overwhelmed. ²¹ ²²
Self-blame and shame loops, even when the relationship itself was harmful. ²³

Escalating risk can be seen in behaviours such as acquiring means, rehearsing farewells, giving away possessions, or displaying a sudden calm after a period of turmoil. ¹⁷ Restricting access to lethal means remains the single most effective intervention for preventing suicide. ²⁴ ²⁵ ²⁶

What The Person Is Most Often Worried About

The common concerns that drive suicidal thinking after relationship breakdown include:

Loss of belonging and identity, a destabilising sense of “Who am I now?” ²⁷
Entrapment and defeat, feeling caught in conflict, legal battles, or social disapproval, with no clear escape. ¹¹
Perceived burdensomeness, believing that one’s continued existence causes harm to others. ¹⁰
Compulsive rumination, replaying events in a search for closure. ¹²
Invisible grief, appearing outwardly resilient while feeling privately overwhelmed. ²⁸

A Practical Response Plan

Ask directly. It is safe and appropriate to use clear language: “Are you thinking about suicide?” If the answer is yes, remain with the person, limit access to means, and escalate to professional or emergency support. ²⁴ ²⁵
Remove access to means. Secure medications, sharp objects, or other potential methods, and avoid high-risk locations. ²⁶
Support regulation before reflection. When the nervous system is in distress, insight is limited. Encourage grounding through breathing, movement, or quiet companionship. ⁹ ¹⁵
Introduce routine and ritual. Even small rituals, such as daily check-ins or shared meals, provide stability and meaning that support recovery. ²⁹
Create a written safety plan. This should include supportive people to contact, safe places to go, regulating activities, steps to reduce access to means, and scheduled professional appointments.
Listen for language of hopelessness or burdensomeness. Phrases such as “There is no way out” or “I am a problem for everyone” require immediate attention. ¹⁰ ¹¹

For Friends And Family

Supporting someone after a breakup requires patience, steadiness, and clarity. A practical approach might include:

Observing and naming changes without judgement.
Asking directly about suicidal thoughts.
Offering calm companionship, such as sitting or walking together. ¹⁵Taking steps to reduce access to means. ²⁶
Involving an additional trusted person.
Establishing small rituals of contact, such as daily check-ins. ²⁹
Following up consistently.

Understanding and Supporting Recovery

When someone is struggling after a breakup, it helps to remember that their reactions are biological survival responses rather than signs of weakness. ³⁰ “Feelings of panic, exhaustion, or hopelessness are the body’s way of responding to a profound loss” says Lee. “It’s important to understand that suicidal thoughts can often follow a pathway: first, the sense of overwhelming defeat or entrapment, and then the possibility of acting on those feelings if access to means is easy or rehearsed.” ¹¹ Recognising this pathway allows us to step in early.

Supporting someone also means helping them manage rumination, those cycles of replaying events and searching for explanations, by encouraging grounding techniques or limiting the time spent in these thoughts. ¹² Families and friends can also play a critical role in safety by reducing access to potential means of harm and creating safer environments. ²⁵ ²⁶

Finally, when a suicide does occur in a community, the way we respond matters. Structured support, open conversation, and ongoing contact reduce the risk of further harm for those left behind. ³¹

Changing The Narrative

The theme of World Suicide Prevention Day is “Changing the Narrative.” In this context, changing the narrative means moving away from minimising the impact of relationship loss and recognising it as a significant clinical risk factor.

The facts are clear:

Relationship breakdown places anyone at risk, with particularly high vulnerability for men. ³ ⁵
Warning signs are usually visible if we take the time to look and ask. ¹⁶
The progression from suicidal thought to action is preventable, especially when means safety and social support are in place. ²⁴ ²⁵

Our individual responsibility is to combine practical measures with compassion. Survivors of relationship breakdown are not “broken;” they are people carrying more than their nervous system can manage in that moment. With appropriate support, co-regulation, and steady engagement, recovery is possible. ³² ³³

Lee comments: “On this World Suicide Prevention Day, I would encourage you to remain attentive to those around you. If you are struggling, reach out. If you see someone else struggling, lean in. I firmly believe that presence and action can change the course of a life”.

References

Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Corsi, M. et al. “Relationship breakdown and suicide risk in men: A systematic review.” BMC Psychiatry. 2025.
Scourfield, J. et al. “Separation and divorce as suicide risk factors.” Journal of Affective Disorders. 2024.
Schaan, V.K. et al. “Divorce, separation and suicide mortality: A population-level study.” Lancet Psychiatry. 2023.
Kposowa, A. “Divorce and suicide risk: A global perspective.” Social Science & Medicine. 2022.
Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 2, Nervous System Dysregulation. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 3, Somatic Collapse. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 13, Regulation Before Reflection. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Joiner, T. Why People Die by Suicide. Harvard University Press, 2005.
O’Connor, R.C. The Integrated Motivational–Volitional Model of Suicidal Behaviour. Routledge, 2011.
Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 5, Open Loops. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief. Chapter 6, Final Notes. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Porges, S.W. The Polyvagal Theory. Norton, 2011.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Suicide Warning Signs and Symptoms. 2024.
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP). Risk Factors and Warning Signs. 2024.
Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 4, Somatic Dysregulation. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 6, Daily Avoidance. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 7, Environmental Triggers. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 8, Oscillation States. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 9, Numbness. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief. Chapter 3, Shame Loops. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
World Health Organization. Suicide Prevention: Restricting Access to Means. WHO, 2024.
Pirkis, J. et al. “The effectiveness of structural interventions at suicide hotspots.” Crisis. 2019.
Zalsman, G. et al. “Means restriction for suicide prevention.” Lancet Psychiatry. 2016.
Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 10, Identity Collapse. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 12, Hidden Grief. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Separation: A Survival Guide. Chapter 14, Rituals of Recovery. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Chapter 15, Normalising Biology. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief. Chapter 7, Postvention. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Aftermath: Surviving Suicide Grief. Foreword. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.
Hawker, L. Divorce: A Survival Guide. Conclusion, Healing is Regulation. Unpublished manuscript, 2025.

About Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS

Lee Hawker is the Clinical Director at The Cabin Chiang Mai.

He is a Registered Member of the British Psychological Society. He graduated from Anglia Ruskin University in the UK with a degree in Behavioural Science and a postgraduate clinical focus on addictions from the University of Bath. Lee is a focussed and ambitious individual who has in-depth training and experience in a broad range of clinical psychological interventions in the treatment of addiction, dual diagnosis, and complex trauma.

Having worked in the field of addiction for over twenty years, Lee has experience having assessed and treated many clients and families presenting with substance misuse and chemical dependency along with managing and treating trauma. Lee heads the clinical programme for The Cabin and shapes the treatment plan bespoke to individual client needs; so that focussed treatment is delivered to address specific individual needs – and thus providing for higher treatment quality that is measurable and progress that is observable to both client and clinician.

Lee’s passion is to provide the best possible clinical quality and experience to ensure that clients have an opportunity to achieve lifelong recovery and are able to be a beacon to others in their lives.

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