Well-being - Page 9

After the tsunami of stress and paperwork subsides and the air clears the new divorcee can feel like they are clinging to a wreckage of their lives.  It is not unusual to feel a visceral sensation of grief for the loss of what was, of shared dreams and even of status. This has, after all, been one of life’s greatest traumas.

 Now you are no longer married then who are you?  This is a natural feeling of sadness and perhaps fear as you face the future, the unknown, maybe on your own after many years or even for the first time ever. You must show yourself compassion and patience at this time of readjustment.   The changes will feel huge, to begin with until a routine and a sense of normality returns.  Which, rest assured, it will.

 It’s not a time for kicking heels and making rash decisions but one of quiet contemplation as you wait for the dust to settle and to work out your options.

Understand that it is entirely alright to feel anxious as you find your way.  Family and friends can be a great support at this time so take up the offers of help they may give.  Alternatively, if you feel you would be burdening loved ones seek our divorce support groups which meet regularly where you can hook up with others going through the same thing you are.

Letting go of the past is not a quick and easy process but give yourself time to aim for acceptance of what is and therein lies peace.

It might help to sit down and write out some lovely and compelling goals for the year ahead.  Shopping for new fixtures and fittings for the home, perhaps a make-over with a personal stylist, new hobbies and interests, social dates and holidays.

You would be surprised at how a new haircut and some updated new clothes can lift the spirits and energise one.  Many big chains and department stores now offer free “personal shopper” services which can add inspiration if you are feeling stuck in rut with your looks.

You may feel that your confidence and self-esteem have taken a dive and again this is only natural so think of ways of restoring yourself by doing what you love and being with people who make you feel good too.

When confidence is low take stock of what your strengths and values are and write them down.  Keep a “Big Me Up” journal where you write down all your achievements, all you are good at and any compliments or positive comments you receive.  Soon you will see the evidence of your strengths outweighs the doubts of your inner demons.

If you have children it is important they see you are coping and equally OK to tell them you are sad and distressed by the break too.  No matter how bitter you are feeling at the moment try not to vent your feelings in from of them.

Avoid bad-mouthing your ex or encouraging them to take sides.  Wherever possible aim for harmony, which isn’t always easy and will take effort, which will pay dividends in the years to come when family gatherings and landmark occasions can be conducted with dignity and respect.

If you are feeling lonely be cautious of rebound relationships.  It’s only natural to want to start afresh and to seek validation via a new partner.  Sadly this could be disastrous if you haven’t fully let go of your spouse, the relationship and the fallout or any negative emotions (anger, betrayal, jealousy, rage, disappointment, resentment) that still linger could sabotage your chances with a new partner.

All relationships come with some emotional baggage but better to give a new relationship the best chance by taking time out to recover and look after yourself.  Decide instead to see the months ahead as an investment in the self where you take time to restore and re-gather and start to stabilise life again.

It may take time but many people do go on to have new and exciting lives post-divorce.  It can be a time when you learn more about yourself, enjoy a newfound liberation and devote your time to finding out who you are and what you now want from your life.

As one door closes another opens.  Prepare for the new chapter in your life with hope, acceptance and a sense of curiosity and you could find a new level of wisdom and life fulfilment you have never reached before.

An inspiring and motivational business and life coach Carole Ann uses wit and wisdom to teleport her clients into their full potential for over 10 years. Carole Ann is also the co-author of Find Your Dream Job and her new book Find Your Dream Business came out in April 2013.

Forgiving your ex can seem like a daunting task that has no merit for you. So why do it?

Webster’s Dictionary defines forgiving as “ceasing to feel resentment towards an offender”. Holding on to this resentment is a way to stay attached to your ex. Forgiveness is a way to sever these binding ties.

To start my forgiveness process, I imagined my ex with having strings around him like a marionette.

I then visualized giant scissors cutting through all of these strings until no more remained. I felt like a burden had been lifted from me and it was easier not to want any ties of resentment to attach me to him again.  Forgiveness is not about the other person, but rather about you.

You do not even have to tell anyone that you forgave your former spouse.

Holding on to a grudge, whether it is your spouse or an in-law, is detrimental to your health, such as by increasing your blood pressure.

Muscles tighten, restricting blood flow and oxygenation which in turn leads to headaches and worsening chronic pain. The esteemed Dr. Carl Simonton of the Simonton Cancer Center in California, stated that not practising forgiveness can lead to an “increased risk for cancer.”  Is your anger towards your former spouse worth all this?

During divorces, some people write a long letter regarding their anger and disappointment in their spouse.

They spilt their vitriol onto the pages and were amazed when they felt so much lighter afterwards. Destroy and do not send it.  The experience of writing that letter can lead to the path of forgiveness and healing.

I found a note in the bathroom stating my spouse was leaving me and I was fired from our small, jointly owned business.

In the space of seconds, I went from having a spouse and being employed to feeling like I was standing on the edge of a deep abyss.  I had to admit, and then process my shock first before I could even think of moving on.

My two sons and I were going out of town that morning and their father was leaving on a business trip.  My older son saw the note and wanted to continue with our trip plans for the long weekend.  I walked around Disneyland alternating between shock and euphoria.  After a week, I hired an attorney to start divorce proceedings.

Marie was bitter for decades after her divorce and held much resentment towards her former husband.  Her daughter married a similar type of man, so it was no surprise when she later got divorced too. Marie saw her own situation in her daughter’s and had a massive heart attack a year after her daughter’s divorce. A stroke followed and then a burial.  The daughter fortunately had decided to forgive her spouse during her divorce to avoid her mother’s complications. Sometimes even a bad example can spur us on to take a prudent path in our lives.

If you are having a difficult time forgiving, then talk to a therapist, life coach or your clergy.  They can help you to become unstuck and clear up any faulty thinking. What also helped me was writing positive affirmations on coloured index cards about forgiveness and other issues.

Author Catherine Ponder has a selection of excellent positive affirmations in her books. One that I used was “I now fully forgive everyone including myself. I let go and everybody who is not part of my Divine plan is no longer part of my life. I am free of resentment from my past and present.” I said variations of this every day.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.