Well-being - Divorce & Separation | The Divorce Magazine

Coping with Divorce/Moving On/Well-being

Domestic Abuse: A Guide to Getting Legal Advice and Support

Published on March 10, 2025March 7, 2025

Laura Mounsey
Director and Solicitor
Harrogate Family Law

2.3 million people over the age of 16 are estimated to have experienced domestic abuse (year ending March 2024).

That’s just one shocking statistic from the Crime Survey for England and Wales. If you or someone you know is the victim of domestic abuse, you’re not alone. Take a look at our guide to your legal protections and how to seek help.

Understanding domestic abuse

Domestic abuse is a crime, and thanks to the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, victims have stronger protections enshrined in law than ever before.

The term isn’t limited to physical violence, and can also include emotional, psychological, financial, and sexual abuse, as well as coercive control.

It is not uncommon to feel that you are to blame or that you cannot get out of it. This is not the case with the right help.

What if I or someone I know needs immediate protection?

If you’re in immediate danger, you must always call 999. The Silent Solution is a system that ensures you get the help you need in situations where you’re unable to talk, are calling from a landline or are deaf or hard of hearing.

The police can issue Domestic Violence Protection Notices (DVPNs) and apply for a Domestic Violence Protection Order (DVPO). These measures provide short-term protection by removing them from your home and prohibiting them from contacting you.

They can also give you the space and thinking time you need to seek legal advice about the future.

Reporting domestic abuse and getting legal support

All domestic abuse, even if there’s no immediate threat or danger, can be reported to the police. Then, it’s best to seek legal advice from a knowledgeable and reputable family law firm, such as Harrogate Family Law.

This will help you to fully understand your options and get any advice you might need about divorce and separation proceedings and the arrangements for the children.

Legal orders to protect you: what are the options?

Several legal orders can provide longer-term protection:

Non-Molestation Order: Prevents your partner from using or threatening violence, harassing, intimidating, or contacting you.

Occupation Order: Determines who can live in the family home, potentially excluding the abuser even if they own or rent the property.

Restraining Order: Issued by a court following criminal proceedings to prevent an abuser from contacting or approaching you.

Child arrangements Order: Deals with who the children should live with and how they should spend time with each of you (if at all).

Prohibited steps Order: Stops someone from doing certain things to protect the children. For example, taking them out of the country or removing them from you or school.

Financial remedy Order: if you are married, this will sort out what money you need to be able to move on with your life and break as free as you can from that relationship.

Your solicitor will be able to advise which option is the most appropriate for your situation.

Can I get support with my legal fees?

In some circumstances, yes, although you’ll have to meet strict criteria. Use the GOV.UK website to find legal aid solicitors in your area who can assess your eligibility. Even if you are not eligible for legal aid, there may be other options to give you a “fighting fund”. This is important because often, you can fear being overpowered and on the back foot.

Financial and Housing Support

If you’re leaving an abusive relationship, you’ve probably got lots of questions about what will happen financially.

It’s a good idea to find out what, if any, benefits you might be entitled to such as Universal Credit, or any assistance from charities like Women’s Aid and Refuge. The Citizens Advice Bureau is a good starting point for putting yourself in the know. However, it may also be the case that your ex should pay you an amount of money per month too.

If you need emergency housing for immediate safety, you may need to secure a place in a refuge. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline, the Men’s Advice Line and IDAS can help to point you in the right direction, as can the police if they’re involved. There are also local authority housing options but it may also be possible to get a house through court.

What other support might I need?

It is common for you to feel like you will not be able to weather the storm of leaving an abusive person. It can be vital to get the right professional support including a therapist, re-connecting with your friends and family that you may have been isolated from as well as getting any help you need from your GP, work and your children’s school/nursery.

How a family law solicitor can help

Experiencing domestic abuse is a trauma, and you’ll need the right people in your corner. A family law solicitor can provide a range of support and legal guidance, including:

Applying for protective orders.
Child arrangements and safeguarding.
Divorce and financial settlements.

About Laura Mounsey

Laura’s expertise as a family solicitor is in making sure that clients know their worth and do not have the wool pulled over their eyes if someone tries to hide assets or be unfair. She works on divorce cases involving properties, trusts, businesses and pensions and supports people who have been in abusive relationships to regain control and move forward. She can help you secure what you are entitled to if you separate or divorce as well as protect your assets and income if you are wanting to live with someone or get married. Laura also has experience in resolving disputes about children. Laura has been ranked in Chambers UK in 2025 and was recognised in the Legal 500 2025 edition as being “an outstanding solicitor. She is committed, dedicated and goes the distance for each of her clients.” Laura says “I love being able to solve people’s problems. People want to be treated fairly, to have certainty and to move forwards. For me, that’s what family law is all about. It is an honour to get people through the difficulties so that they have peace of mind about the future.”

Coping with Divorce/Well-being/Your Emotions

Therapy and Mindfulness Practices for Self-Discovery After Divorce

Published on February 12, 2025February 6, 2025

Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS
Clinical Program Director
The Cabin Chiang Mai

The end of a relationship, particularly a marriage, can be one of the most disorienting and painful transitions in life. Divorce shakes the very foundations of identity, security, and future expectations. However, within this upheaval lies an opportunity: a chance to reconnect with oneself, to redefine personal values, and to cultivate resilience. Therapy and mindfulness practices offer invaluable tools for self-discovery and emotional healing, guiding individuals toward a renewed sense of purpose and wellbeing.

The Power of Mindful Reflection

One of the most profound tools in healing after a divorce is the practice of mindful reflection. Divorce often leaves individuals caught in the past or anxiously anticipating the future—rehashing old arguments, replaying regrets, or fearing what lies ahead. Mindful reflection counterbalances this by anchoring attention in the present moment. Simple exercises, such as noticing the texture of a blanket, the scent of morning coffee, or the rhythm of the breath, create moments of stillness in an otherwise turbulent emotional landscape.

“Mindful reflection is a way of giving yourself the permission to pause,” says Lee. “By focussing on small, tangible details, you remind yourself that life is still unfolding, moment by moment. This practice helps in reducing anxiety and preventing emotional overwhelm. It provides a sense of agency, allowing healing to take root.”

Physiologically, mindful reflection supports the nervous system by promoting relaxation and reducing the activation of the stress response. Studies have shown that mindfulness-based interventions lower cortisol levels and enhance emotional regulation (Tang, Hölzel, & Posner, 2015). By bringing attention to the present, individuals decrease stress markers, which in turn lowers heart rate and blood pressure, fostering a state of calm and centeredness. Mentally, it strengthens self-awareness and acceptance, helping individuals to detach from negative thought spirals and self-criticism.

Journaling as a Pathway to Clarity

Journaling provides an outlet for untangling the complexity of emotions that arise during and after divorce. Divorce often triggers a cascade of thoughts and emotions, ranging from anger and grief to relief and hope. Without a structured way to process these emotions, they can become a tangled web of confusion.

“Writing down your thoughts can help you understand what is within your control and what is not,” explains Lee. “Journaling is a simple yet powerful way to gain insight into your needs and values, fostering a deeper understanding of yourself beyond the identity shaped by your former relationship.”

On a neurological level, journaling activates the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for rational thinking and emotional regulation. Studies have indicated that expressive writing enhances cognitive processing, reduces symptoms of depression, and improves overall emotional wellbeing (Pennebaker & Smyth, 2016). It provides an opportunity to reprocess painful memories in a safe way, strengthening cognitive flexibility and reducing emotional distress. Moreover, expressive writing has been shown to improve immune function and decrease symptoms of anxiety and depression.

Negative Visualisation: A Counterintuitive Path to Gratitude

While it may seem counterproductive to reflect on loss after a divorce, the practice of negative visualisation offers a unique form of healing. This exercise involves imagining life without the things we cherish, not to dwell in sorrow but to cultivate a greater appreciation for what remains.

“Thinking about what life would be like without close friendships, family, or even personal health shifts our focus from loss to gratitude,” says Lee. “Divorce may mean the end of a relationship, but it does not mean the end of everything. This shift in mindset fosters resilience and strengthens our sense of inner stability.”

This practice activates the brain’s reward system, encouraging the release of dopamine, the neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and motivation (Berridge & Kringelbach, 2015). In doing so, it helps individuals shift their perspective from one of deprivation to one of abundance, reducing feelings of despair and hopelessness.

Mindfulness Meditation: Training the Mind for Equanimity

Mindfulness meditation has been extensively studied for its impact on emotional regulation. Regular mindfulness practice reduces reactivity to emotional distress while fostering greater control over thought patterns.

“Meditation is not about emptying the mind—it’s about learning to sit with your thoughts without becoming overwhelmed by them,” says Lee. “By cultivating this non-reactive awareness, you learn to navigate emotional pain with greater ease, allowing it to pass rather than consume you.”

Neuroscientifically, mindfulness meditation strengthens connections between the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala, which helps regulate emotional reactivity. Research has shown that consistent meditation practice leads to structural changes in the brain that support emotional resilience and stress management (Hölzel et al., 2011). Over time, this practice reduces stress-related inflammation in the body and increases gray matter density in areas responsible for learning, memory, and emotional balance.

Acts of Kindness: Rebuilding Connection and Meaning

Divorce can create a profound sense of isolation. A once-shared life is now singular, and the absence of a partner can leave a void in daily experiences. One antidote to this loneliness is the practice of small, deliberate acts of kindness. Engaging in kind gestures—whether volunteering, offering a sincere compliment, or reaching out to a friend—reminds individuals of their capacity for love and connection beyond romantic relationships.

“Even small acts of kindness can have a big impact on emotional recovery,” says Lee. “They reinforce our connection to the world around us and remind us that we are not alone in our journey. Giving kindness to others often helps us heal, too.”

Research shows that acts of kindness trigger the release of oxytocin, the hormone associated with bonding and trust, while also increasing serotonin and dopamine levels (Kogan et al., 2010). These biochemical changes create a sense of happiness, reduce stress, and counteract feelings of loneliness.

Embracing the Journey of Self-Discovery

“The journey after divorce is about learning who you are outside of that relationship,” says Lee. “Each mindful step you take brings clarity, strength, and the opportunity for renewal.”

Divorce is not merely an end; it is a transition, a doorway to a new phase of life. The emotional turmoil that follows can feel overwhelming, but with each intentional step—whether through reflection, journaling, meditation, or acts of kindness—individuals begin to forge a new understanding of themselves. Self-discovery is not an overnight event; it is a gradual process of re-learning, re-defining, and re-building.

One of the most important aspects of this journey is self-compassion. Often, individuals exiting a relationship hold onto feelings of guilt, failure, or self-doubt. However, embracing mindfulness and therapeutic practices allows for a more balanced perspective. “Healing comes when we learn to be gentle with ourselves,” says Lee. “Instead of judging our past choices harshly, we must acknowledge that growth emerges from struggle.”

Physiologically, engaging in mindfulness and reflective exercises activates neural pathways associated with emotional regulation and resilience. Practices such as meditation and cognitive reframing help rewire the brain to respond to distress with greater equanimity, reducing stress hormones and fostering a sense of emotional stability. Moreover, acts of kindness, whether directed toward oneself or others, generate a biochemical response that increases dopamine and serotonin levels, promoting feelings of well-being and connection.

Another crucial element of self-discovery is embracing solitude. Many fear being alone after the end of a marriage, but solitude can be a powerful teacher. “Being alone does not mean being lonely,” Lee explains. “It is an opportunity to reconnect with yourself, to rediscover interests, passions, and aspects of your identity that may have been overshadowed in the relationship.”

By shifting focus from loss to possibility, individuals can transform the pain of divorce into an opportunity for growth. Each step taken—whether through journaling, mindful meditation, or reframing thoughts—builds a new foundation upon which to create a fulfilling, independent life.

Ultimately, self-discovery after divorce is about recognising that while a chapter has closed, the story is far from over. “This is a chance to redefine your narrative on your terms,” says Lee. “You have the power to shape your own future, and with time, clarity, and self-compassion, a new and fulfilling life will emerge.”

References

Berridge, K. C., & Kringelbach, M. L. (2015). Pleasure systems in the brain. Neuron, 86(3), 646-664.
Hölzel, B. K., Lazar, S. W., Gard, T., Schuman-Olivier, Z., Vago, D. R., & Ott, U. (2011). How does mindfulness meditation work? Perspectives on Psychological Science, 6(6), 537-559.
Kogan, A., Gruber, J., Shallcross, A. J., Ford, B. Q., & Mauss, I. B. (2010). Too much of a good thing? Emotion, 10(6), 925-929.
Pennebaker, J. W., & Smyth, J. M. (2016). Opening Up by Writing It Down: How Expressive Writing Improves Health and Eases Emotional Pain. Guilford Press.
Tang, Y. Y., Hölzel, B. K., & Posner, M. I. (2015). The neuroscience of mindfulness meditation. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 16(4), 213-225.

About Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS

Lee Hawker is the Clinical Director at The Cabin Chiang Mai.

He is a Registered Member of the British Psychological Society. He graduated from Anglia Ruskin University in the UK with a degree in Behavioural Science and a postgraduate clinical focus on addictions from the University of Bath. Lee is a focused and ambitious individual who has in-depth training and experience in a broad range of clinical psychological interventions in the treatment of addiction, dual diagnosis, and complex trauma.

Having worked in the field of addiction for over twenty years, Lee has experience having assessed and treated many clients and families presenting with substance misuse and chemical dependency along with managing and treating trauma. Lee heads the clinical programme for The Cabin and shapes the treatment plan bespoke to individual client needs; so that focused treatment is delivered to address specific individual needs – and thus providing for higher treatment quality that is measurable and progress that is observable to both client and clinician.

Lee’s passion is to provide the best possible clinical quality and experience to ensure that clients have an opportunity to achieve lifelong recovery and are able to be a beacon to others in their lives.

Moving On/Well-being/Your Emotions

The Sensitive Woman’s Guide to Building a Growth Mindset in Divorce: Transforming Your Deep Feelings into Personal Evolution

Published on February 3, 2025January 29, 2025

Sue Bruckner
Holistic Relationship Coach & Founder of Tribe Rising
CEO of With Intention Coaching

As a sensitive soul navigating divorce, you feel everything deeply. The weight of change, the intensity of emotions, the uncertainty of what lies ahead – it all resonates at a profound level. While this depth of feeling can sometimes feel overwhelming, it’s actually one of your most profound strengths. Your sensitivity gives you an extraordinary capacity for growth, transformation, and rebirth.

When you’re feeling everything so intensely, it’s natural to want to protect yourself. You might catch yourself thinking: “I’ll never recover from this,” or “I’m not strong enough to handle this change.” These thoughts stem from what psychologists call a fixed mindset – the belief that our capabilities and emotional resilience are set in stone. But there’s another way to view your journey.

A growth mindset recognises that every challenge, even the heart-wrenching ones, carries seeds of transformation. It’s not about dismissing your pain or rushing through your healing. Instead, it’s about trusting that your sensitivity allows you to process this experience in a way that leads to profound personal evolution.

Embracing Your Emotional Wisdom

Your ability to feel deeply isn’t a weakness – it’s your internal compass. As a sensitive woman, you may have spent years muting your emotions, setting aside your needs, or abandoning your truth to keep the peace. Perhaps you’ve learned to question your feelings, to dismiss them as “too much,” or to hide them away entirely. This pattern of self-abandonment, while protective in the moment, often leaves a void where your authentic voice should be.

Divorce, though challenging, offers a profound invitation to reclaim your emotional experience as wholly and authentically yours. When waves of grief or anxiety wash over you, try sitting with them gently, knowing you’re building a new relationship with your sensitivity. Ask yourself: “What is this emotion teaching me about what I need?” “What parts of myself am I rediscovering through this process?” As you grow your capacity to hold these feelings without judgment, each emotion becomes a doorway to deeper self-understanding and more aligned decision-making. This is how you begin to trust yourself again – by honouring your emotional wisdom rather than pushing it away.

Learning to Celebrate Yourself

Your sensitive nature makes you naturally introspective, yet you may have spent years without truly seeing or celebrating yourself. Perhaps your accomplishments, strength, and resilience have gone unacknowledged – by others and, more importantly, by yourself. Now is the time to change that pattern.

Begin a celebration journal. This isn’t about gratitude for others or external circumstances – this is purely about acknowledging YOU. Each day, ask yourself:

“Today, I celebrate myself for…”
“I’m proud of how I…”
“I want to acknowledge myself for…”
“I’m showing up powerfully by…”

At first, this might feel uncomfortable or even impossible. You might hear that inner voice saying “Who am I to celebrate myself?” or “It’s not that big of a deal.” But remember – every step forward, every moment you choose yourself, every time you honor your needs or speak your truth – these are victories worth celebrating.

Your answers will likely surprise you, gradually revealing a woman who is far stronger, more capable, and more resilient than you’ve allowed yourself to recognise. This practice isn’t about ego – it’s about finally seeing yourself clearly and celebrating the woman who is emerging through this transformation.

Creating Your Future Story Through Inner Wisdom

As a sensitive person, you likely have a rich inner world. This gift of deep imagination offers you a unique pathway forward – through dialogue with your future self. She is there, waiting to connect with you, full of wisdom and profound compassion for your current journey. She understands every tear, every moment of doubt, every brave step forward you’re taking now.

Take a quiet moment to sit with her. What would she tell you about the path you’re on? She knows that every choice you make today is paving the way to a future she loves living. She’s proud of your courage, your willingness to honor your truth, even when it feels terrifying. Ask her about the dreams that are quietly waiting to emerge, the parts of yourself that are ready to blossom. Let her remind you that your divorce isn’t just an ending – it’s an invitation to rediscover and reinvent yourself in ways that align deeply with your soul’s longing.

Your future self knows something precious: this transformation, though challenging, is a sacred journey toward becoming more fully yourself. She’s there, cheering you on, holding space for your emergence. When you need strength, connect with her wisdom. When you need reassurance, feel her compassion. She is the living proof that you not only survive this chapter – you use it to create a life that fills you with pride and joy.

Practicing Tender Self-Compassion

Your sensitivity extends to how you treat yourself, particularly in moments of intense emotion. As a sensitive woman, you might find yourself getting frustrated or upset with the depth of your feelings – perhaps criticising yourself for “still feeling this way” or “being too emotional.” This double layer of pain – feeling deeply and then judging yourself for those feelings – is a pattern we can gently transform.

Instead of harsh self-judgment, try speaking to yourself as you would a dear friend going through divorce. When you catch your inner critic chastising you for the intensity of your emotions, pause and ask yourself: “How best can I love myself in this moment?” or “What would love say instead?” These simple yet profound questions can transform your relationship with both your sensitivity and yourself during this transition. Remember, there’s no “right” way to feel during divorce – your emotional experience, in all its depth, is valid.

Daily Growth Practices for the Sensitive Soul:

Pay attention to your first thoughts upon waking and your final thoughts before sleep – make these moments intentional whispers of self-kindness and encouragement.
Notice and celebrate small signs of your resilience.
Honour your need for quiet reflection time.
Surround yourself with people who understand your sensitive nature.
Trust the wisdom of your emotions while not letting them overwhelm you.

Remember, your sensitivity isn’t a barrier to healing – it’s your pathway to profound transformation. Each day of this journey, you’re not just surviving divorce; you’re evolving into a more authentic version of yourself. Trust in your inner wisdom, honor your pace, and know that this challenge is unveiling strengths you never knew you had.

Your sensitivity is your gift. Let it guide you toward growth, healing, and a new chapter filled with possibilities you’re just beginning to imagine.

About Sue Bruckner

Sue Bruckner is a Holistic Relationship Coach who guides sensitive women through growth-minded divorce and into their next empowered chapter. She is the founder of Tribe Rising, an expert-led sanctuary that uniquely weaves together divorce support, personal development, and the healing power of community. Through this transformative space, women discover they don’t just survive divorce – they thrive. Learn more at: https://wonderful-dawn-34642.myflodesk.com/w751ywo2nj.

Coping with Divorce/Relationship in Trouble/Well-being/Your Emotions

You Don’t Need Permission

Published on January 24, 2025January 23, 2025

Taylor Beck
ADR Divorce Coach
Revive and Rise Coaching

You don’t need permission to leave your marriage. Or if you’re looking for that, then read on. Whether your background and upbringing was drenched in a religious coat or that could not be further from your ideology; maybe there’s something deeply woven in the fabric of your DNA that walking away feels impossibly wrong, a disservice to your “I do’s” causes you to think you could never turn that to an “I don’t”, I’d urge you to be curious about what that leaves on the table.

As many individuals do, I got married on the younger side at only 25 years old. While that may not be as young as some, sitting here writing this in my thirties I can confirm that is quite young. There is only so much life you can live up until that point, and not many even understand themselves and what they want out of life. It felt simple, I had been in a relationship for five years and knew I wanted to be married and have children. The truth is; the weight of being a wife and a mother is so much heavier than you can prepare for, especially if you aren’t asking yourself the hard questions of what you want out of a partner for those endeavours.

Without getting into the nuances of my own specific circumstances, I quickly became unhappy at how things unfolded. A spouse that could not quite carry the responsibilities of home ownership, parenthood and finances that follow. At the end of the day there were qualities I needed within a relationship like patience, sharing household chores, the ability to communicate and make changes as needed. Many things that could not be given to me by the person I was with.

The unfortunate aspect was that I stayed. A narrative society paints is that relationships are “hard”, that so many people in long term relationships have major frustrations and that’s just how things are. I continually looked outward for someone to give me permission to leave, but never received that. I stayed until the situation got to the point that made me feel less “silly” for filing for divorce. I stayed until I couldn’t make an excuse because it directly compromised the safety of my son. I stayed longer than I ever should have.

Being unhappy isn’t a silly reason to leave. Understanding that the person you are with cannot give you what you need is critical, not selfish. Choosing yourself takes so much strength, it is not weak to walk away. When I look back at the version of myself that stayed in a space that held so much negativity, it’s easy to see how much I compromised on. The permission you need is directly correlated with your emotional and mental well being. Let me take it another step further and say that the permission you need is also directly attached to the small human(s) you are raising and model their standards after your choices.

Strangers on the internet or even those closest with you cannot be held liable to push you forward or hold you back. They’re not in your home, they’re not holding your heart, and they are not you. You are the only person that gets to decide what you want, need, and won’t settle for in a relationship. If you’re not receiving that, then you’re also the only person to make the choice to know when to throw in the towel. There is no one size fits all on a time frame either – whether you’ve been married for two hours or twenty years – the biggest price you pay is not staying true to yourself. The best thing you can ever do for yourself and your kid(s) is choosing the best version of yourself, and doing what you need to do in order to achieve that.

About Taylor Beck

Taylor Beck is a certified ADR Divorce Coach that focusses on working with women considering or going through divorce or separation. Her goal is to empower them and support them through their current and following chapters in their lives.

Coping with Divorce/Well-being/Your Emotions

How to Build Your Divorce Support System: The Four Pillars You Need

Published on January 13, 2025January 8, 2025

Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Co-Founder
Divorceworkshop

Divorce is one of the most challenging transitions a person can face, often upending every aspect of life. As someone who has spent years studying and working in the field of thanatology—the science of death, dying, and grief—I’ve seen firsthand how vital a solid support system is during times of profound change.

Divorce is the death of a relationship that is often complex and messy, requiring tools and strategies to help navigate the emotional, logistical, and practical challenges it brings.

One of the most effective tools I’ve used with clients over the years—and one we’ve included in our Just Separated Workbook—is called the “Four Pillars of Support.” These pillars, originally rooted in the grief world, are critical for anyone going through a major life transition, including divorce. Let’s break down these pillars and explore how they can help you through the process.

1. Peers

The first pillar involves finding the right peer support—people who are also navigating or have already navigated the divorce journey. The right peers offer empowerment and helpful insights rather than constantly feeding anger or resentment. It’s important to surround yourself with peers who encourage growth and healing. Support groups, online communities, or even a trusted friend who’s been through it can make a big difference.

Having peers who understand your unique challenges can also help you avoid feelings of isolation. While some peers helped me see things clearly, and we supported each other, others only fuelled anger and negativity. Choosing the right group and peers is crucial.

2. Professionals

Divorce is not just an emotional process; it’s also a legal, financial, and logistical one. Having the right professionals on your side is crucial. These might include:

A lawyer or mediator who understands your needs.
A divorce coach to help you strategise and stay focused.
A therapist to guide you through the emotional turmoil.
A financial advisor to help you navigate money matters.

When I found myself in a high-conflict situation, I had no idea how to strategise effectively. In my desperation, I hired the first lawyer I was referred to, but they turned out to be a poor match for my needs. Looking back, I realise how naive I was to assume my ex would be cooperative which he never was in the first place.

If I’d had the guidance of the right legal, divorce coach and/or the right peer support, I would have been far better equipped to handle the realities of dealing with a high-conflict personality. I could have found the clarity and direction I needed during such an overwhelming and confusing time.

3. Friends and Family

Support from friends and family can be invaluable during a divorce, but it’s important to recognise that not all relationships will serve you well during this time. While some friends might offer unwavering support, others—sometimes even family members—can unintentionally add to your stress or enable unhealthy dynamics.

Interestingly, the phrase “Blood is thicker than water” is often misinterpreted. The original quote suggests that the bonds we forge in life, such as friendships, can be stronger than family ties. This is especially true during emotionally challenging periods like divorce, where the people who truly listen and provide genuine support make all the difference.

Divorce often brings an overwhelming workload, especially for those juggling co-parenting responsibilities. That’s why building a strong support network is essential.

Our W.L.D. Exercise helps readers identify and lean on three types of people:

Workers: The doers in your life who step in to help with practical tasks.
Example: A neighbour who picks up your kids from school or a friend who helps you sort paperwork.
Listeners: Empathetic friends or family members who provide a safe space to share your thoughts and feelings.
Example: A sibling who lets you vent without judgment or a friend who checks in regularly to see how you’re holding up.
Distractors: People who help lighten your emotional load by encouraging you to have fun or take a break.
Example: A friend who invites you to see a comedy show or explore a new restaurant.

By intentionally cultivating a network of supportive, uplifting individuals, you can create the foundation you need to navigate this challenging time with more strength and clarity.

4. Yourself

The final pillar is perhaps the most important: you. Divorce is an opportunity to reconnect with yourself, even amidst the pain. It’s essential to work through your emotions, set boundaries, and prioritise self-care. Journaling, meditation, exercise, and therapy are just a few ways to support yourself during this time.

Remember, you are the constant in your own life. Building resilience and focusing on personal growth will not only help you navigate the divorce but also set the stage for a stronger, healthier future.

Why the Four Pillars Are Critical for High-Conflict Divorces

I wish I had used and known about the Four Pillars of Support during my high-conflict divorce years ago. These cases often involve intense emotions, adversarial tactics, projection, and manipulation, which can leave you feeling isolated, exhausted, and emotionally drained.

Even in high-conflict situations, it’s easy to overlook the emotional weight of the process. Stress, anxiety, and frustration can feel overwhelming. The Four Pillars—Peers, Professionals, Friends and Family, and Yourself—are essential for maintaining focus and protecting your well-being.

From peers who provide solidarity and insight to professionals who anticipate and counter challenges, to supportive loved ones and prioritise self-care, these pillars equip you with the strength and strategy to navigate the heightened complexities of a high-conflict divorce. Understanding and leaning into this framework can make all the difference in regaining clarity and empowerment.

Putting It All Together

The Four Pillars of Support—Peers, Professionals, Friends and Family, and Yourself—are a framework to help you stay grounded during divorce. These pillars provide a balance of external and internal support, ensuring you’re not navigating this journey alone.

Building and leaning on your support system isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a strategy for success. Divorce is tough, but with the right tools and people by your side, you can come through it stronger than ever.

If you’re looking for practical exercises and strategies to build your support system, check out the Just Separated Workbook. It’s designed to guide you through every step of the divorce process, helping you find clarity, empowerment, and hope for the future. The workbook is on sale for the whole month of Divorce month, available in the UK and worldwide on Amazon – buy here.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand holds a rare university degree in Thanatology and a B.A. in Sociology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” coming out this October, and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. As a private counsellor and coach, Karen specialises in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. Having navigated her own high-conflict divorce, she is also the mother of two lovely daughters.

Coping with Divorce/Well-being

How to Handle a Narcissist Ex Partner

Published on January 8, 2025

Margaret Ward-Martin
Founder
The Grace Project

It would be misleading to write a prescriptive list of next steps because one of the key stressors of dealing with a narcissist – ex or otherwise – is unpredictability. Their reaction to a break-up is often rage, mortification, blame, threats, emotional manipulation, and guilt tripping.

They may do this by:

Blaming you for the relationship failing and accusing you of not trying hard enough or being selfish.
Threatening to harm themselves if you don’t give it another go or say their own family is getting ill because of the breakup. This is guilt tripping.
Hoovering or sucking you back into the relationship by love bombing and telling you all the things they know you want to hear.
Future faking and selling you a fantasy. This is another strategy whereby they assure you, very dramatically, that they will not only change but promise to give up their addiction or get a job or stop cheating and gambling. This time it will be different. Another con.
Faking crises and amplifying illness. This could be by implying that they or your children are in danger and need help. This justifies contacting the non-narcissistic parent. An example might be where the narcissistic parent informs the other that their child has a (fabricated) terminal illness or is in (imaginary) danger. When trying to go no contact this may be the narcissist’s go to. It’s a way of trying to regain control. They will go to extraordinary lengths to convince you and others that the illness or danger is real.
Threatening revenge. This may be by saying they will leave you homeless or bankrupt when you leave or threaten physical harm. It is highly likely that they will threaten to take your children away from you. This is plain cruelty and will leave you feeling traumatised.
Lie about you. Narcissists lie. They lie pathologically and compulsively, and they will do this when you reject them. You will be painted in the worst light. It might be that they contact your employers and clients, family and friends and will lie about you and they rarely miss the opportunity to try and outsmart you in Court.
Stalking is another way the narcissist can continue to try to control you. This is possible on several levels: in person, through social media, spy wear on your phone or computer and even using tracking apps on your children’s phones. Report this to the police or discuss it with your solicitor.

Now you know what to expect – what can you do?

Set boundaries and stay safe. Avoid meeting in person. If this is unavoidable, ensure you have someone with you that can bear witness and help you to remove yourself from the situation.
Report stalking at once. Sometimes, when you have been in an intimate relationship you give the other person far too much credit for being a stable, decent human being. Avoid being sentimental. Keep to the forefront of your mind the reality that this person has caused you harm. They may turn up to your place of work, follow you to known haunts and follow you and your friends on social media. Stalking is a crime and calls for police involvement.
Do not tolerate abuse. Be determined to shut down a raised voice or abusive text by walking away or blocking and reporting them.
Document and record everything you can. This is helpful when obtaining an injunction or in cases with shared parenting arrangements. Narcissists are unlikely to want to use co-parenting apps because they cannot access you. By collating this written witness, it is helpful when a Court ordered arrangement is being considered.
If you need to have contact for co-parenting or shared pet purposes, use a co-parenting app. If this is not possible, use text messaging or email to correspond. Then you have everything in writing thus avoiding only having your word for it which can easily be discredited.
Establish a support system and, if you feel unsafe, speak with the police, and open a case file. Learn about relationship trauma and narcissistic abuse. There are worthwhile free online resources to help with your learning.
Speak to your employer or your children’s schools and inform them of what is going on. Children who witness domestic abuse are also victims of domestic abuse. HR departments are likely to have a domestic abuse protocol in place.

In terms of healing, take time to:

Work on your own blind spots. The narcissist is plausible and manipulative. Avoid attributing genuine human emotion to them. They are consummate imitators and very convincing. They know how to look and what to say so do not be manipulated by theatrics. The contortions of angst and tears of declared sorrow are not of remorse or empathy, but of rage at being close to being exposed and murderous anger because you are holding your boundaries. They have a bottomless capacity for self-pity and do not have the capacity for empathy so hold your nerve.
Acknowledge “withdrawal” from a narcissistic partner that can result in symptoms comparable to that of an addict. This is not a judgement, it’s the science of intermittent reinforcement. Think of a slot machine – just as you are about to move on – the symbols align, and you get enough of a payout. And you stay. The same in relationships – you get a reward just as you are about to leave. It’s science. This can apply to other narcissists in your life; parents, children, employers, friends – you get the picture. Therefore, prepare for withdrawal symptoms and, if you can, find a specialist therapist and make effective use of domestic abuse charities who have an increasing understanding of these psychological processes.
Distance yourself from your ex. If an ex contacts you to say they are going to harm themselves, call 999 immediately. You are not responsible for the narcissist’s behaviour. They are unlikely to repeat this if police officers turn up to their place of work to check on their wellbeing.
Stay the course and avoid giving your ex the benefit of the doubt. Ever. They are professional victims and do not consider themselves accountable. They feel entitled to behave in the manner they do because they are owed this much at least.
Understand why you suddenly become isolated. It is likely that you will be alienated because of your decision to leave. Your narcissistic ex will lie about you, reveal your fears, sexual history, health issues – they will fabricate a falsehood that portrays them as a victim. They may even go one further and present themselves as a survivor who wishes to help other victims. It is especially vicious when they alienate you from your own children and family. It is shocking but not at all surprising.
Manage your expectations that the ex will change. You may be tempted to hold on to hope but please don’t. They will not change but what they will do is waste more of your time and life if you let them. Avoid judging the range of emotions you are likely to feel, depression, loss, grief, pathological loneliness, and sadness. You may also feel angry and blame yourself. The abuse you have suffered is not your fault.
Prepare for the worst and seek support from worthy friends who will help you through social and parental alienation, deliberate attempts to sabotage your new life, financial ruin, and lengthy legal cases – the list goes on. And be ready for the long haul. Narcissists find it difficult and often impossible to separate, and will try to control you by proxy. Your ex is likely to use any means necessary to torture you and discredit you. This may include the legal system, your family and friends or employer and your children. They will attempt to manipulate them to pervert your relationship with the people important to you.
Focus on your mental health and understand the trauma you are going through. Gaslighting and deprivation of physiological, social, and emotional needs will take a toll. There is a specific type of trauma – post relationship trauma – that needs to be worked through. Take your time and grieve. There is a loss. Distance from the narcissist and from the relationship will help you to heal but there may be flashbacks, a sense of dread, anxiety, and other symptoms. These are all perfectly “normal” responses to an abnormal situation.

About Margaret Ward-Martin

Counsellor Margaret Ward-Martin holds over 30 years’ experience in the mental health industry as a teacher, coach and therapist. She founded The Grace Project in 2021 to raise awareness about emotional and psychological abuse in the world in which we live.

Relationship in Trouble/Well-being/Your Emotions

Managing Stress in Turmoil: Breathwork Tips for Individuals and Couples Navigating Marriage Challenges

Published on January 3, 2025December 19, 2024

Alex da Silva
Wellness & Breathwork Expert
Silva Wellness

Navigating the challenges of a troubled marriage or divorce can be one of the most stressful experiences in life. The emotional turmoil, coupled with practical concerns like finances, parenting, and household responsibilities, can feel overwhelming. Stress management becomes crucial during these times, not just for maintaining your health, but for fostering communication, compassion, and clarity—whether you’re working to save your marriage or navigating separation.

Breathwork is a simple yet powerful tool for managing stress. It can calm your nervous system, improve emotional regulation, and create space for thoughtful communication. Below, we explore some breathwork techniques for individuals and couples, along with advice for working together to manage stress during difficult times.

1. The Importance of Breath in Stress Management

When we’re stressed, our breathing tends to become shallow and rapid, which activates the body’s fight-or-flight response. This physiological state can lead to heightened emotions, miscommunication, and even physical health issues like tension headaches and high blood pressure. By practicing mindful breathing, you can shift your body into a state of calm, allowing you to approach challenges with more patience and clarity.

2. Simple Breathwork Techniques for Individuals

a. Box Breathing

Box breathing is a simple, structured technique that can quickly calm your mind.

How to do it:

Inhale deeply through your nose for a count of 4.
Hold your breath for a count of 4.
Exhale slowly through your mouth for a count of 4.
Hold your breath again for a count of 4.

Repeat this cycle for 5-10 minutes.

This technique is especially helpful before stressful conversations or when emotions are running high.

b. Diaphragmatic (Belly) Breathing

Deep belly breathing helps reduce tension by engaging the diaphragm, which signals to your body that it’s safe to relax.

How to do it:

Sit or lie down comfortably. Place one hand on your chest and the other on your belly.
Breathe in deeply through your nose, allowing your belly (not your chest) to rise as you fill your lungs.
Exhale slowly through your mouth, feeling your belly fall.
Repeat for 5-7 minutes, focusing on the rise and fall of your belly.

3. Breathwork Practices for Couples

Practicing breathwork together can build a sense of connection and calm during difficult times. Here are a few techniques to try:

a. Synchronised Breathing

This exercise promotes unity and fosters emotional attunement.

How to do it:

Sit facing each other, holding hands or making eye contact.
Begin by breathing naturally, observing each other’s rhythm.
Gradually match your breath to your partner’s—inhale and exhale together.
Continue for 5-10 minutes, using this shared rhythm as a grounding anchor during moments of conflict.

b. 4-7-8 Breathing for Emotional Reset

This method can help both partners calm down after an argument or when tensions run high.

How to do it:

Inhale quietly through your nose for a count of 4.
Hold your breath for a count of 7.
Exhale forcefully through your mouth for a count of 8.
Repeat for 4-5 cycles together.

Doing this side by side reinforces mutual commitment to calming the situation.

4. Other Stress-Management Practices for Troubled Times

While breathwork is a powerful tool, it’s most effective when combined with other strategies for stress management:

Daily Check-Ins: Dedicate a few minutes each day to check in with yourself and your partner. Ask open-ended questions like, “How are you feeling today?” or “What can I do to support you?”
Limit Escalation: Use a “time-out” system when arguments get heated. Step away, practice a few minutes of breathwork, and return to the conversation when you’re both calmer.
Practice Gratitude: During tough times, it’s easy to focus on what’s wrong. Balance this by expressing gratitude for small, positive moments—this can shift your mindset and reduce stress.
Seek Professional Support: Working with a therapist or counselor can provide tools for managing conflict and building understanding.

5. When Divorce Becomes the Path Forward

If you and your partner decide to separate, stress management remains essential for navigating this transition with grace. Use breathwork as a daily practice to stay grounded, especially during high-stakes moments like legal discussions or co-parenting negotiations. Techniques like diaphragmatic breathing and 4-7-8 breathing can help you respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively.

6. A Closing Thought

Times of marital turmoil are deeply challenging, but they can also be an opportunity for growth—both individually and as a couple. By incorporating breathwork into your daily routine, you can reduce stress, improve emotional regulation, and create a more compassionate environment for working through difficult issues. Whether you’re striving to mend your relationship or parting ways, these practices can help you navigate the journey with clarity and peace.

About Alex da Silva

Alex is a Breathwork and Wellness Practitioner who specialises in helping people overcome mental health and addiction issues. Alex started his wellness service with a mission to help people become stronger in mind, body and spirit. He is the Co-Founder of Silva Wellness, based in Farringdon, London EC1, a new treatment centre offering a range of innovative and effective treatments for the mind, body and spirit.

Follow Silva Wellness on social media:

Moving On/Well-being/Your Emotions

From Divorce to Discovery: How Travel Healed My Heart and Changed My Life

Published on December 6, 2024December 3, 2024

Laura Ericson
Founder
Laura Ericson Group Trips

Seven years ago, I walked into a courtroom and ended my marriage. I didn’t mark the date on my calendar or plan to commemorate it – I actually had to look up the court records recently when someone asked. Seven whole years since I started my life over from scratch. Seven years of quiet rebuilding, finding myself, and discovering a whole new world of possibilities I never knew existed.

The Silent Journey

I did everything differently than most people expected when I got a divorce. I walked away from my marriage pretty much empty-handed, buried the pain deep inside, and didn’t even tell my parents for months. No divorce party. No dramatic name change. No social media announcements. I just…disappeared into myself for a while. In fact, it took five years before I publicly announced my divorce.

Why? Because I couldn’t bear the questions, the well-meaning but painful enquiries that reopened wounds barely beginning to heal. Every “What happened?” felt like picking at a scab that hadn’t quite formed. Every “Are you okay?” reminded me that I wasn’t – not yet.

Finding Myself in Foreign Places

But here’s what I discovered in those seven years: sometimes you have to get lost to find yourself again. For me, that meant boarding planes to places I never dreamed I’d visit. Before my divorce, I wasn’t by any means the the all-inclusive resort type, but I’d been sticking to comfortable, predictable destinations for years because it was familiar and easy. Post-divorce me? She decided to ride camels through the Sahara Desert, explore ancient Colombian cities, and watch hot air balloons float over Turkish valleys at sunrise.

There’s something magical about standing in a place that terrified you and realising you’re not just okay – you’re thriving. Each stamp in my passport became a reminder that I was stronger than I thought, braver than I knew, and capable of so much more than I’d believed during those years I’d lost myself in my marriage.

The Unexpected Gift of Starting Over

Looking back now, I realise that divorce wasn’t the end of my story – it was the beginning of a much better one. Yes, it felt like death at the time. I mourned the loss of my marriage and the person I used to be. But that loss created space for something new to grow.

Travel became my therapy, my teacher, and ultimately, my new purpose. Standing alone at an Adele concert in Barcelona (a trip originally planned with my ex-husband), I remembered the fearless young woman who once taught English in Spain. I wondered where she’d gone. In that moment, surrounded by thousands of strangers singing their hearts out, I made a promise to myself: I would find her again.

Seeing the real Kenya—complete with giraffe, hippo, rhino, lion, and zebra sightings!

Meandering inside the famous blue-painted streets of Chefchaouen, Morocco.

From Personal Pain to Professional Purpose

Now I run a travel business helping others – many of them healing from their own life transitions – discover the transformative power of experiencing new places and cultures. I’ve watched women who thought they could never travel alone climb mountains in Morocco. I’ve seen people fighting through depression find joy in Cuban street food and salsa dancing. I’ve witnessed countless moments of courage, connection, and pure joy as travellers step out of their comfort zones and into new versions of themselves.

Experiencing pure joy and celebration at a historic monument in India during Holi.

Reflecting during a peaceful moment in Greece overlooking the Fortress of Palamidi.

The Truth About Healing

Here’s what I want you to know if you’re in the middle of your own divorce journey: the pain won’t last forever. Those moments when you can barely breathe? They’ll pass. That feeling that you’ve failed? It’s not true. You’re not failing – you’re being brave enough to choose yourself.

Yes, there will still be triggers years later. A song, a smell, a casual comment from a stranger might suddenly transport you back. But each time it happens, the sting lessens. Eventually, you’re left with something that looks less like a wound and more like a map of where you’ve been – and how far you’ve come.

Getting my steps in at Panna Meena ka Kund: the ancient stepwells of India.

Making a new friend in the Sahara as the golden sun sets over endless dunes.

Your Next Chapter

Divorce isn’t the end of your story. It’s an invitation to write a new one. Fill it with adventures you never dared to take before. Pack it with moments that make your heart race and your soul sing. Make it a story about finding yourself in places you never thought you’d go.

My story led me from a courthouse in Wisconsin to sunset camel rides in Morocco. Where will yours take you? The blank pages are waiting. Make them extraordinary.

About Laura Ericson

Laura Ericson is the founder of Laura Ericson Group Trips, where she leads curated group trips for solo travellers seeking authentic cultural experiences and personal transformation through travel.

Follow her adventures on Instagram @lolawhiskey, join her women-only Facebook Group Lola Loves Travel or visit lauraericson.com to learn more about upcoming trips.

Letters to Linda/Well-being/Your Emotions

Rediscover Your Self-Worth Through Journaling

Published on December 4, 2024December 3, 2024

This article is the second part to the ‘Write Away with Linda Simpson‘ series.

One of the many jolts that I recall after my divorce was wondering – Who am I? My sense of self was lost somewhere in the isolation he had created in our marriage. Now I had to find myself, claim myself and my journal played a large part in that journey of self-discovery.

The Key Word is Compassion.

Failure hangs in the air after a divorce. Questions about why it happened and self-accusations are easy. But your life is all about today and the future. Yesterday is history and it is time to focus on today, tomorrow, and your future. Be the you-you have always wanted to be. You are stronger than you think, and the future will prove that.

Your journal can be anything you want it to be. Whether you want to write only one sentence or pages, the key is to write, reflect, and grow.

It is time to focus on all the positives you possess as you reconnect with yourself. Be self-compassionate for a moment. How do you see yourself? Here are some questions for reflection in your journal.

Answer this question- what is positive about me in this life change? Maybe ask that question to a trusted friend or family member too. My sons saw a remarkable positive change in me. Free from the stress and the constant barrage of criticism, I was experiencing a brand-new time in life and so are you. What does that mean to you? Be fierce on the page and claim your place in this new chapter.

In my situation, I could now do as I wanted to do. For far too long I let him dictate how I lived my life. I honestly believed his constant criticisms of my capabilities. Negative power over someone is cruel.

I am grateful for my writing life today. I was told I could not write. I believed it until in my new freedom I believed in myself more. What were you told you could not do? Do it now and be fierce in claiming you.

Consider all the things you notice about being single. Here you can write about some of the fun things.

One of my favourite stories, which to this day gets a reaction from others, was being the guardian of the remote for the first time. No more watching someone else flip through the TV choices, switching shows midway, or listening to a running commentary of the action.

In your journal, begin a few sentences with – Now I can ………

Making decisions on your own can be scary.

Make a note of all the decisions you have made in your new life. What ones worked brilliantly? What ones were the life lessons and what did you learn? Write about how these decisions can be a burden but also remember that this is the learning stage of a new life.

There are challenges with assuming all the responsibility as a single because single means just that –if you do not take out the garbage it does not get done. What are some responsibilities you do not enjoy? Write about them and then look at what you might do to change your attitude toward them or consider another way of getting the job done. Sometimes we hang onto responsibilities to prove a point and all it does is create more stress.

What was easy?

What has been the easiest part about being single? When I look back on several decades my first inclination is to say the sense of freedom I have. Thirty years later I still connect to my sense of freedom in so many ways. My meal choice, my friend choice, my holiday choice, and having all the blankets all the time still feels brand new in many ways. Write about what has been easy for you.

You are connected to your past, your present, and your future. But in those early days stay focused on your present. When you journal, consider all the good things that happened in the day or the past week. Open your eyes to everything around you. It may be that friendly smile you noticed, or it may be that birdsong or the music you heard.

There IS beauty in every day, and it is your challenge to find it. When you write about it include your feelings. How did this bright spot make you feel? What happened next?

Be honest with yourself.

There will be times when you feel sad. I made a promise to myself after such a long sad time to not be sad because that was continuing to give him power over me. Eventually, you reclaim your personal power and the capacity to celebrate the new you.

If you are lonely do the same. Write about it and think all around the feelings you have. Then look at ways to swap out loneliness for being comfortably alone.

More than anything else, be kind to yourself, be gentle, and be compassionate. You are the only you there is in this world. Decide what you want. Connect to your future. This is a new chapter in your life waiting to be written. Your journal will be with you every step along the way.

About Linda Simpson

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

Children of Divorce/Well-being

5 Essentials for Raising Resilient, Happy Kids Through Divorce

Published on November 27, 2024November 20, 2024

Johanna Lynn
Founder
The Family Imprint Institute

Navigating co-parenting when emotions are raw can challenge even the most loving parents. The truth is, how you and your child’s parent communicate, prioritise your children’s best interests over your hurts and handle differences can make all the difference in your child’s life.

In my almost 20 years of working with families, I’d like to share with you 6 essential strategies to create that supportive foundation to co-parent well, to give your children the security and love they need to thrive, even during challenging times.

1. Celebrate Your Family’s Story – even though it looks different now.

Whenever you can share good stories about their other parent, that is what supports your child. Giving the message: “Our family is different now and this is sad for you. And there were many beautiful things in our history as a family.”

Remember the importance of the message: “No matter what else might be going on, we will always agree about how much we love you.”

2. Shared Celebrations

Our children benefit from shared family moments like weddings, graduations, and other significant moments, like birthdays or anniversaries. If a big event overlaps with your usual time together, consider being flexible. It’s a small gesture with a big impact, showing your child that family can come together to celebrate them, no matter what.

Even when our kids are grown, these are the moments memories are made out of and these milestones mean so much, and having both sides of the family makes it less likely that your child feels pulled into alliances.

This is an act that prioritises your child’s emotional needs above what may be an uncomfortable moment for you to share the celebration.

3. Don’t Take It Personally

When kids act distant or pull away, especially in a time of big changes, it can sting. It’s essential to keep in mind that this is often a reaction to the situation—not to you. Hold steady and stay close to your kids, even if they seem to be pushing you away.

You are more mature, hold on to your kids despite their temporary rejection.

Kids feel better about themselves when they can see the good in both their parents. Even when it’s hard, share a kind word about their parent, sharing a fond memory or something you appreciate about them.

Keep the big picture in mind along with what’s best for your kids – when your child hears you respect and appreciate their other parent, they feel more secure and valued, knowing they don’t have to choose sides to feel loved.

4. How Consistency Builds Security for Your Kids

Consistency—both in actions and emotions—is essential for children’s wellbeing, especially after a major life change. Your kids need to know they can rely on you, not only by showing up on time and keeping commitments but also by providing a steady emotional presence.

Especially when life feels uncertain, try to bring a calm, reassuring energy to your interactions with them. If something arises and you need to cancel plans, give them plenty of notice to avoid disappointment. This mix of practical reliability and emotional steadiness becomes an anchor, helping them feel secure and letting them know they can count on you no matter what.

5. The Dad Effect – How Your Relationship with Him Shapes Your Kids

When parents struggle, that tension doesn’t just stay with them; it can linger in their kids. Family stories, even the unspoken ones, live on inside us. By showing respect for your child’s other parent—through small, everyday acts—you’re protecting your child from carrying the pain of the past and making it much less likely that they will replicate the pain inside of their parent’s relationship.

Divorce is hard, and trying to co-parent while still healing is no easy feat. But your love for your kids keeps you moving forward. Navigating co-parenting can be complex, and it’s natural to feel uncertain at times.

If you’re feeling the weight of it all and would like some support to create a co-parenting approach that truly works, seek support.

About Johanna Lynn

Johanna Lynn is the founder of The Family Imprint Institute with over 20 years of experience. She specialises in supporting individuals navigating divorce, helping them uncover the root causes behind their separation. Johanna uses innovative mind-body techniques to illuminate how family dynamics influence relationships, providing clients with deep insights, clarity and healing.

Well-being/Your Emotions

Write Away with Linda

Published on November 18, 2024November 11, 2024

Write away the past and write into your future.

When I found myself alone after a traumatic divorce, there were two things that got me through those first few years. There was my lifesaver counsellor who helped me find my dignity and self-worth again. And there was my journal. Every day for years I told my journal what I was feeling and gradually I began to see myself again.

With this ‘write away’ series, I will give you writing tips and some journaling ideas. Both of which I hope will help set you on the path to your future.

In those early days of your new life, it is important to focus on small and manageable achievements. Sometimes my greatest sense of gratitude was that I had made it through the day at work and got myself home again.

Let us begin at the beginning.

Find a beautiful notebook you like. There are so many choices today and having the right journaling notebook should mean that when you pick it up the book gives you a sense of belonging. This is your life and your journal. That is the way you want to enter your journaling experience.

Then consider the best time in each day that would work for you. For me, it was always just before I turned out the lights. It was quiet and I could reflect on the entire day.

Sometimes just getting started is the biggest hurdle. Your mind fills with questions of what you should write about and that can be a barrier to taking that first step.

Keep it simple.

Your journal entry can be “today I…”

Then can follow an account of what you did, where you went and the people you saw. If it was a home day, the same thing applies. Where did your day start and then where did it go. Do not worry about it sounding mundane. There will be times when it is a recount of the day’s events and other times it will be a day of great insight. Both are helping you find your future.

We read the benefits of gratitude and know that being grateful is an extremely healthy exercise. Once you can look at your day then consider what part of it brings gratitude. Perhaps you are grateful for getting through the day and that is enough. Separation and divorce can be a time in our lives when we are hardest on ourselves.

If you are critical of yourself then qualify it. I did this, thought this, said this, because…

The pain of separation is fierce and stumbling along the way to your future is part of the healing process.

If you feel comfortable about digging deeper into your feelings, then do so. One mantra I subscribed to during those years was that a journal never tires of hearing the same thing. If you want to rage a bit –rage a bit. But reread your journal and make sure you can see a balance.

One of the most helpful writing tips I ever received was to read aloud what I have written. When you read aloud what you have written then write about what you heard. It might be you heard your pain. It might be you heard hope.

Be patient with yourself. Everyone is on their own timeline to recover from a separation and divorce. We can become so critical of ourselves because life is not changing fast enough. Or during the day, we did something we regret. There will be many days like that. Avoid being critical of yourself. Our self -talk should focus on encouraging us through every day. Everyone, whether going through a divorce or not, makes mistakes. All these years later, there are still some things I said and did that are cringeworthy. I cannot change the past. I did and said whatever it was. I own them and I have moved on.

A journal is a private place we can go. It is a safe space. And it is your friend. There will be no criticism from a journal. It will never get tired of you repeating yourself.

Journaling will take you on a path of self-discovery. You will find insight you never realised you had. You will find wisdom you never knew you possessed. I hope it soothes your soul.