Moving On - Page 4

Rebuilding your life after divorce is a journey of self-discovery and new beginnings. This topic offers inspiration, practical advice, and strategies for healing, personal growth, and embracing new opportunities, whether you're navigating co-parenting, re-entering the dating scene, or rediscovering your passions and purpose.

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From Divorce to Discovery: How Travel Healed My Heart and Changed My Life

Laura Ericson
Laura Ericson
Founder
Laura Ericson Group Trips

Seven years ago, I walked into a courtroom and ended my marriage. I didn’t mark the date on my calendar or plan to commemorate it – I actually had to look up the court records recently when someone asked. Seven whole years since I started my life over from scratch. Seven years of quiet rebuilding, finding myself, and discovering a whole new world of possibilities I never knew existed.

The Silent Journey

I did everything differently than most people expected when I got a divorce. I walked away from my marriage pretty much empty-handed, buried the pain deep inside, and didn’t even tell my parents for months. No divorce party. No dramatic name change. No social media announcements. I just…disappeared into myself for a while. In fact, it took five years before I publicly announced my divorce.

Why? Because I couldn’t bear the questions, the well-meaning but painful enquiries that reopened wounds barely beginning to heal. Every “What happened?” felt like picking at a scab that hadn’t quite formed. Every “Are you okay?” reminded me that I wasn’t – not yet.

Finding Myself in Foreign Places

But here’s what I discovered in those seven years: sometimes you have to get lost to find yourself again. For me, that meant boarding planes to places I never dreamed I’d visit. Before my divorce, I wasn’t by any means the the all-inclusive resort type, but I’d been sticking to comfortable, predictable destinations for years because it was familiar and easy. Post-divorce me? She decided to ride camels through the Sahara Desert, explore ancient Colombian cities, and watch hot air balloons float over Turkish valleys at sunrise.

There’s something magical about standing in a place that terrified you and realising you’re not just okay – you’re thriving. Each stamp in my passport became a reminder that I was stronger than I thought, braver than I knew, and capable of so much more than I’d believed during those years I’d lost myself in my marriage.

The Unexpected Gift of Starting Over

Looking back now, I realise that divorce wasn’t the end of my story – it was the beginning of a much better one. Yes, it felt like death at the time. I mourned the loss of my marriage and the person I used to be. But that loss created space for something new to grow.

Travel became my therapy, my teacher, and ultimately, my new purpose. Standing alone at an Adele concert in Barcelona (a trip originally planned with my ex-husband), I remembered the fearless young woman who once taught English in Spain. I wondered where she’d gone. In that moment, surrounded by thousands of strangers singing their hearts out, I made a promise to myself: I would find her again.

Seeing the real Kenya—complete with giraffe, hippo, rhino, lion, and zebra sightings!
Meandering inside the famous blue-painted streets of Chefchaouen, Morocco.

From Personal Pain to Professional Purpose

Now I run a travel business helping others – many of them healing from their own life transitions – discover the transformative power of experiencing new places and cultures. I’ve watched women who thought they could never travel alone climb mountains in Morocco. I’ve seen people fighting through depression find joy in Cuban street food and salsa dancing. I’ve witnessed countless moments of courage, connection, and pure joy as travellers step out of their comfort zones and into new versions of themselves.

Experiencing pure joy and celebration at a historic monument in India during Holi.
Reflecting during a peaceful moment in Greece overlooking the Fortress of Palamidi.

The Truth About Healing

Here’s what I want you to know if you’re in the middle of your own divorce journey: the pain won’t last forever. Those moments when you can barely breathe? They’ll pass. That feeling that you’ve failed? It’s not true. You’re not failing – you’re being brave enough to choose yourself.

Yes, there will still be triggers years later. A song, a smell, a casual comment from a stranger might suddenly transport you back. But each time it happens, the sting lessens. Eventually, you’re left with something that looks less like a wound and more like a map of where you’ve been – and how far you’ve come.

Getting my steps in at Panna Meena ka Kund: the ancient stepwells of India.
Making a new friend in the Sahara as the golden sun sets over endless dunes.

Your Next Chapter

Divorce isn’t the end of your story. It’s an invitation to write a new one. Fill it with adventures you never dared to take before. Pack it with moments that make your heart race and your soul sing. Make it a story about finding yourself in places you never thought you’d go.

My story led me from a courthouse in Wisconsin to sunset camel rides in Morocco. Where will yours take you? The blank pages are waiting. Make them extraordinary.

About Laura Ericson

Laura Ericson is the founder of Laura Ericson Group Trips, where she leads curated group trips for solo travellers seeking authentic cultural experiences and personal transformation through travel.

Follow her adventures on Instagram @lolawhiskey, join her women-only Facebook Group Lola Loves Travel or visit lauraericson.com to learn more about upcoming trips.

Solo Travel After Divorce Can Be a Powerful Experience
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Solo Travel After Divorce Can Be a Powerful Experience

Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

Travel is the best way to get lost and found at the same time – Brenna Smith

Have you ever taken a solo vacation?

I’ve just returned from a week of solo travel in Australia, and it’s inspired me to reflect on the joy of travelling alone.

Solo travel is personally fulfilling in so many ways. I know many people don’t agree with this one. Several people have told me they are hesitant to vacation alone, especially after coming out of a marriage or long-term relationship.

I understand. I used to feel the same way.

But there’s something so liberating about finally being comfortable venturing out into the world as a single person without needing a partner to make it feel fun or worthwhile.

When I first got divorced, it was a different story.

When my marriage ended, I didn’t feel whole or complete. What’s worse is that I didn’t realize I felt this way on a conscious level. It was all buried way down in my subconscious.

I often felt empty and depressed when I wasn’t dating or when someone wasn’t messaging me. I thought only another love interest could fill the persistent void within. So, I never gave myself the opportunity to do things alone. When my kids were with their Dad, I would stay home unless I had someone to go and do things with.

I used online dating apps to meet lots of people to ensure I was never having to do anything by myself.

It was during this time I met someone who I thought was the perfect person for me. I started a serious relationship quickly despite recognizing many red flags.

I didn’t want to admit that those red flags were there because I wanted someone to take away the loneliness and emptiness I felt whenever I tried to face my fear of being single.

When that relationship ended three years later, I made a commitment to myself that I would stay single for a while despite the same feelings of emptiness and loneliness starting to plague me again.

My biggest post-divorce challenge.

It was not easy to sit still and face those feelings. Not by a long shot. There were times of deep darkness and discomfort as I wrestled with the idea that having someone by my side was the only way to enjoy my downtime.

Little by little, I worked through those feelings. I started to challenge where they were coming from. Why did I feel this way about spending time on my own?

I realized that a lot of it was coming from within. I was projecting my feelings of inadequacy and lack of purpose out into the world, and I felt self-conscious and awkward when I first started to get out of my comfort zone and into my new normal.

Nothing worth having comes easy. I’d remind myself of this when I would once again consider downloading the dating apps onto my phone and start the merry-go-round again.

I could feel myself reaching for the quick fix, and I wanted to do things differently this time. I wanted to overcome my feelings of needing someone to be next to me in order to enjoy life.

What have I learned?

Since I committed to giving myself time to truly be alone, I’ve been on three solo trips overseas and countless solo trips within my own country. It’s been an absolute revelation to see how amazing it can be to travel without a partner.

When you travel alone, the itinerary is yours. The timeframes are yours. The budget is yours. There’s nothing more enjoyable than planning a trip knowing that you don’t have to modify anything you want to do or see to suit someone else.

When I travel alone, I’m more receptive to talking to the people around me. I’ve met many great people who have enriched my life and contributed to my personal growth.

Last year, during a solo trip to the USA, I went out to eat on my own. (A fate worse than death, according to my sister). I sat at the bar, and within half an hour, I was doing the quiz with a guy called Jessie, who had just separated from his husband and was venturing out alone.

We bonded over divorce, BBQ ribs and cheesy pub quiz questions. I still keep in touch with Jessie today; he’s a great guy. Had I been with anyone else that night, Jessie and I would never have connected.

It takes guts.

I understand that for many of us, going out to do things on our own is incredibly challenging. There is awkwardness, self-consciousness, sadness. You may even feel like a complete failure, like you can’t get a partner or make new friends. (Been there, felt that!).

The key is to understand that everybody who goes through a divorce feels that way sometimes. In fact, most people can’t bear to feel like that, so many divorced people stay home rather than go out on their own.

Being able to break those bonds has opened up an entire new world, one that I love. It’s like breaking the shackles of what other people think and living in the moment.

You don’t need to be with anyone else to enjoy eating out, socialising or travelling.

Who knew??

I felt incredible freedom and joy as I drove along the Pacific Coast Highway in Australia last week. Now that I’ve overcome my resistance to travelling alone, I am truly comfortable and happy to book holidays and throw myself into whatever experiences come my way.

Who knows how long it will be until I’m in a relationship again? I want to enjoy as much time travelling alone as I can while I have the opportunity.

If travelling alone is something you’re nervous about but have been wanting to try, do it in small steps. Try taking yourself out to dinner or lunch on your own. Maybe book one night somewhere out of town you’ve wanted to explore. You may be suprised to find that it’s far more enjoyable than you anticipated.

Eventually, you could be ready to take an overseas trip on your own and have some life-changing experiences that contribute to your personal growth in ways you couldn’t imagine.

Here’s to getting out into the world and enjoying the freedom that comes from making all of our own choices!

Read more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

I’m Carol Madden, a Post-Divorce Life Coach working with women around the world from my online practice.

I work with women who have been divorced for two years or more and thought they’d feel better by now. They’re functioning and getting on with life, but still struggling to let go, heal and move forward in their new post-divorce lives.

I’ve been through divorce myself, and that experience led me to this work. I know what it’s like to look fine on the outside while still carrying grief, guilt, confusion and all the unanswered questions underneath, even several years later.

I also know what it takes to come out the other side and build a life that feels good again.

I help women get to the heart of what’s holding them back, stop looking backwards and find the strength to move forward, even when it feels hard.

Discover me on social media:

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Navigating Life’s New Chapter After Divorce

Johanna Lynn
Johanna Lynn
Founder
The Family Imprint Institute

Divorce isn’t just the end of a marriage; it’s a profound life transition, requiring not only legal adjustments but deep emotional resilience.

As someone who has been through this experience myself, I understand the complexity of feelings and decisions you face during this challenging time.

For nearly two decades, I have had the privilege of supporting individuals like you in rebuilding their lives after divorce.

Sarah started our session together sharing that she felt lost and overwhelmed after her 17-year marriage ended abruptly. “I was consumed by anger and resentment. I just couldn’t see a way forward, most days, my anger and hurt got the better of me.”

Through our work together, Sarah began to unpack the underlying issues contributing to the breakdown of her marriage. Often, the initial emotions that surface are resentment and anger, signalling deeper hurts such as broken promises and unmet expectations.

By understanding what these core problems were connected to, we were able to turn a painful ending into a source of profound insight and deep healing.

“Working with Johanna helped me see that a lot of my anger was rooted in unresolved issues from my childhood,” Sarah explains. “I realised I had unconsciously repeated patterns that were familiar, but ultimately unhealthy, for me and for our children.

I find that now I can approach my separation and co-parenting with much more clarity. What used to trigger me, I am now able to recognise and respond in a much healthier way.”

Divorce can be a catalyst for invoking deep-seated emotions tied to past experiences.

As we delved into these emotional layers, Sarah and I identified patterns inherited from her family dynamics and previous relationships that had influenced not only the trajectory of her marriage but how she was navigating the separation.

“I never realised how much my parents’ divorce had impacted me until I went through my own,” she says. “It was as if these overheard arguments from my childhood, long forgotten yet my body remembered them somehow and they seemed to reemerge and play out in the breakdown of my own relationship.”

Recovery from divorce is about moving toward a new version of yourself. Who you are now after loving this person, along with what you’ve learned about yourself and your own needs in your loving relationships.

By understanding the family dynamics and personal experiences that have shaped their relationships, individuals can lighten the emotional load and approach future connections with less baggage.

“This journey has been challenging, but I like who I am much more on the other side of my divorce,” Sarah reflects. “I’m not the same person I was before my divorce, and that’s a good thing. I’ve gained a deeper sense of self, and I’m looking forward to starting my next chapter in life.”

Divorce is a significant life challenge, but you don’t have to implement all those changes alone. You are at the crossroads for profound personal discovery and renewal. With the right support and guidance, you can emerge from this experience with a deeper sense of self, a renewed outlook on life, and the tools to build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

As Sarah’s story illustrates, the journey of divorce recovery is not an easy one, yet can be a reflective time to embrace who you are now – on the other side of your marriage – with a deeper understanding of yourself and a renewed sense of what is most important to you in life moving forward from here.

Divorce can be the catalyst that sparks your own personal rebirth. Though the road ahead may seem daunting, trust the process, lean on your support system, and be patient with yourself – for the future that lies ahead is yours to create.

Read more articles by Johanna Lynn.

About  Johanna Lynn

Johanna Lynn is the founder of The Family Imprint Institute with over 20 years of experience. She specialises in supporting individuals navigating divorce, helping them uncover the root causes behind their separation. Johanna uses innovative mind-body techniques to illuminate how family dynamics influence relationships, providing clients with deep insights, clarity and healing.

Healing the Hidden Roots of Divorce with 8 Transformative Steps
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Healing the Hidden Roots of Divorce with 8 Transformative Steps

Johanna Lynn
Johanna Lynn
Founder
The Family Imprint Institute

Divorce can feel like it shatters your world, leaving you adrift in a sea of emotional turmoil.

What if the storm you’re weathering isn’t entirely your own?

What if the undercurrents pulling you under have their origins in the lives of those who came before you?

The science of epigenetics reveals a startling truth … we carry more than just our parents’ physical traits. We inherit their emotional patterns, their fears, their struggles, and their unresolved pain.

These invisible legacies shape our relationships, the way we navigate the stormy seas of separation, and the path forwards to divorce recovery.

Inheriting More Than Brown Eyes, How Family History Colors Your Divorce

Your grandmother, widowed young, faced years of financial strain. Though you never knew her story, you find yourself obsessively stockpiling groceries, gripped by thoughts of ‘what if I don’t have enough’.

This is the echo of your grandma’s life experience, reverberating through time, amplified by your own divorce-induced instability.

You are not destined to drown in this inherited pain or financial struggle. By shining a light on the experiences that live in your family tree, you can break free from family patterns to let go of old baggage and move forward lighter.

Unearthing Your Roots

Your journey begins with exploration.

  • Map out your family tree but seeking out the family stories by asking about any difficulties and life circumstances that might be hidden in old photographs and hushed conversations.

  • Discover what experiences did your grandparents face?

  • How did your parents navigate their own relationship challenges?

  • Do any of them seem familiar to your own struggles or patterns or any uncanny coincidences?

  • Be sure to include the resilience & what family members had to overcome.

As you uncover these buried narratives, let them flow onto the pages of a journal. Don’t simply write about the facts, but most importantly, express how they resonate within you.

Do you see echoes of their struggles, similar situations or circumstances, in your own divorce experience?

Illuminating Your Path

The road ahead may seem overwhelming, but remember, countless others have walked this similar path before you.

There’s wisdom to be gained from those who have studied the generational patterns that we all have within our family. Perhaps by seeking out this knowledge and support, you can begin to untangle the complex web of inherited experiences from your own unique journey.

As you learn to recognise the echoes of your family’s past in your present struggles, you’ll gain the tools to separate your own story from theirs. By embracing this process, you open the door to profound transformation and a future shaped by your own choices, not just your inherited past.

Your divorce, painful as it may presently feel is, presents a powerful opportunity for transformation. It’s a chance to break free from cycles that may have silently shaped your family for generations.

8 Steps To Nurture A Broken Heart

  1. Set aside time each day for reflection or journalling to release what has been held inside, sometimes for years. Free yourself by intentionally letting go of resentments, hurts and old stories.

  2. Consider the connection between your family history and your own experiences. Something powerful can shift within when understanding that some of your deeply rooted patterns may have influenced some of your choices.

  3. Here are some suggested questions for you to explore:

    • Who am I now, after loving this person, sharing our lives together, who am I on the other side of this relationship?
    • What have I learned about myself?
    • How do I relate to love?
    • What have I learned about the parts of myself that I avoid in relationship?
    • What positive parts am I bringing along with me?
  1. Let’s turn your attention towards your body. Take notice:

    • What feelings are you carrying today?
    • Are some weighing you down unnecessarily?
    • Take a moment to take a few deep breaths, give yourself time each day for calming breathing exercises, to gradually lighten your emotional pain.
  1. Step into your financial fresh start. Create an outline that aligns with your newly defined values. This isn’t just about practical needs—it’s about fostering a sense of security and choices that feels supportive to your new life.

  2. Connection is key for healing. You might reach out to dear friends or those you haven’t connected with in awhile. Take a walk or enjoy time in a cafe together.

  3. Practice Self-Compassion. Treat yourself with the kindness you would offer to a friend. This helps break cycles of self-criticism that may be rooted in your family history.

  4. Get clear on what you’d like your next chapter to look like by visualising your future. Spend time imagining the life you want to create as this positive focus can be a powerful motivator during tough times.

By embracing these steps, you’re not merely surviving divorce—you’re sowing the seeds for profound transformation.

You’re cultivating self-awareness, nurturing emotional resilience, and consciously shaping the new chapter of your life.

This journey of growth isn’t just about you; it’s a ripple effect of healing that extends to your children, offering them a powerful example of resilience and the tools required for their own emotional well-being – for generations to come.

Read more articles by Johanna Lynn.

About  Johanna Lynn

Johanna Lynn is the founder of The Family Imprint Institute with over 20 years of experience. She specialises in supporting individuals navigating divorce, helping them uncover the root causes behind their separation. Johanna uses innovative mind-body techniques to illuminate how family dynamics influence relationships, providing clients with deep insights, clarity and healing.

The Hidden Gift of Heartbreak
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The Hidden Gift of Heartbreak

Johanna Lynn
Johanna Lynn
Founder
The Family Imprint Institute

Did You Sleep With Her? the words tumbled out of my mouth. I could feel my heartbeat in my throat as I waited for his response. It felt as if everything was in slow motion, how he looked at his hands, the way he looked at the steering wheel, then over at me and I couldn’t help myself from asking again, at this point, I already knew the answer – it was written all over him.

Yet somehow it helped to hear it….the sheepish yes. The weight of that one simple word certainly overshadowed the “I do” we exchanged years ago. The admission that offered the proof of just how far apart we’d come, just how much distance had grown between us.

The affair was like a symptom of all that lived between us – the resentments, the broken promises, how we had disengaged from each other and all the hidden anger. The affair was the breaking point that we could not go on like we had been.

I have friends who have made it to the other side of an affair, with a stronger, more solid connection with their partner. That was not my experience.

The effects of the affair were like being dropped from the tallest building and breaking into a million pieces. Looking at all those little pieces and realizing I didn’t want to put myself back together in the same version of who I was.

All I could do was view reality in the emotional condition I was living in. It felt like everything inside of me was collapsing and my world was also shutting down around me.

I stepped away from work for a while to allow some space and time to unearth all that had been shoved under the proverbial rug.

I didn’t want to end up like a close friend whose ex-husband cheated and now her new partner comes home late and she’s overwhelmed with images of betrayal that she admits she can’t help but be her 1st expectation. If we don’t take the time to process the dynamics of our previous relationship, we tend to live by the same emotional reaction. As if a part of us is primed to live by those memorised emotions.

The deep pain I experienced had me seeking approaches that would help me explore what had contributed to the end of my marriage. By doing that, I discovered just how much our family influences how we bond in relationships and how we navigate separations. I was able to understand that so much of what happened in my marriage wasn’t all personal. There were greater influences behind both of us that shaped our relationship.

Over 80% of repetitive conflicts between a couple come from the family we grow up in.

Each of us brings along the behaviors and feelings of our early experiences. Unless we do our inner work, the cycle unconsciously continues.

For each of us, our early life experiences shape how we bond and navigate separations.

The hurt was so immense that I was committed to not bring unresolved feelings into my next relationship. In all that I was learning, it was clear that a healthy and complete separation was an essential step.

If you’re facing similar heartbreak, know that you are not alone.
“Sometimes the things that break us open are the very things that make us whole again.” – Paige Mitchell
Trust that your path to healing is there, even if you take baby steps to walk it as you step towards greater self-love and understanding.
Take the time to process your pain, explore your family history, and seek support.
Get curious about who you will become on the other side of this hurt. This heartbreak, though devastating, can be a catalyst for incredible personal growth.

About  Johanna Lynn

Johanna Lynn is the founder of The Family Imprint Institute with over 20 years of experience. She specialises in supporting individuals navigating divorce, helping them uncover the root causes behind their separation. Johanna uses innovative mind-body techniques to illuminate how family dynamics influence relationships, providing clients with deep insights, clarity and healing.

Tips on Boosting Confidence During a Divorce
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Tips on Boosting Confidence During a Divorce

One’s confidence level can dip during divorce. We may feel less self-assured or are fixed in one spot, not sure which way to move.  Proceedings are stressful and leave us questioning ourselves.  There are steps to take which can boost confidence.

Do a self-analysis

In what areas do you feel could use improving? Think about where you excel, such as on the job, connecting with others, etc.  Your talents and abilities, may have brought accolades, such as when winning a contest for writing or artwork. A person may have a magnificent voice which is central to their choir. One may be surprised at how many areas of confidence outweigh what scares them. People sometimes focus on the negatives instead of the positives and feel that they lack confidence in general, rather than in a few specific aspects of their lives.

Fix your weaker areas

Learning new skills, is a way to fix the areas which are weak and lacking in confidence. Building confidence is like building up a muscle when lifting weights – it benefits the whole person and not just one part. Take a computer class if feeling wobbly about IT on the job. Some people have stated they feel awkward trying to make small talk. Small talk is a way to connect with others and is important socially as well as in one’s career. Joining groups with a purpose, such as hiking, photography, chess, books etc. makes conversations easier.  The trick is to discover a specific step you can take, as people did in this example, to increase your confidence.

Follow dreams and passions

Divorced people have gained confidence doing mountain climbing, running marathons or doing treks. They got out in nature and were surprised at the feats they accomplished. This sense of achievement spilled over into other parts of their lives, boosting confidence. An animal-loving friend opened up a sanctuary. She had been a bit unsure of herself after her divorce from Hell. Running this animal sanctuary pumped up her confidence and she began to explore what else she could do.

Share your expertise by tutoring, coaching or volunteering

Volunteering takes the focus off you and perceived inadequacies.  People mentoring kids failing in school or had families in turmoil, said watching them blossom into young adults positively affected how they felt about themselves.  Making a difference in the world takes one outside of themselves and boosts self-confidence. Seeing individuals become successful and win due to your coaching, is rewarding as well as a confidence booster.

Lack of confidence can be tied to how we think others are judging us. Eleanor Roosevelt said “You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realised how seldom they do.” If there is a CD in your brain spewing negative comments about you, then replace it. Mistakes are a way to learn how to do something better, as Henry Ford and Thomas Edison have stated.

Start small with baby steps. Get out of your comfort zone and try new things. It is okay to treat yourself when working on building up confidence. I had no confidence in public speaking and needed to do this in a new job post-divorce. I joined Toastmasters to learn this public speaking skill and pump up my confidence. What helped get me going at first was treating myself to lattes with friends after these meetings. I gained confidence and love getting in front of an audience. When working on an area of low confidence, you may be surprised at what doors open to you.

Read more articles by Wendi Schuller.

Wendi Schuller

Wendi Schuller is a dating coach who helps people after divorce and break-ups to start dating again. She is a hypnotherapist, NLP practitioner and a nurse. She wrote The Global Guide To Divorce.  https://globalguidetodivorce.com     

She writes the Jack Jack The Cat series for children.

New Beginnings with Divorce
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New Beginnings with Divorce

Wendi Schuller
Wendi Schuller
Dating Coach
Author of The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce can be a catalyst for starting a new life – a chance to discover new interests and rediscover talents. Passions may have gotten put aside or buried in a turbulent marriage or divorce. Dust off the clarinet. Dig out your paint brushes. Get in touch with what you want to do with this new chapter in life.  For example, one recently divorced woman got back into her hobby of pottery. Now her lovely pieces are sold in various venues. Another person had dabbled in painting as a young adult. Post-divorce, she made this her full-time profession.  She is so happy and claims she owes this career change to her divorce.

Time to put yourself first

You may have put other people before you. Take care of yourself and do what you want to do. This means saying “No” to requests of your time and energy. No explanations are required. When you are over extended, you have less energy and your health can be affected. The stress of the divorce process is compounded when trying to live up to other’s expectations and doing too much. Nurture yourself during proceedings.  Set limits on your time in regards to helping others. It is harder to make a new beginning when bogged down with too many unnecessary obligations.

Take baby steps with change

Think about what you enjoyed in the past. What gives you pleasure now? How can you incorporate them into your life? Start by adding them into your schedule, the same as you do for appointments and work commitments. Put at least one fun or pampering activity in your calendar daily. Nurturing yourself helps lower your stress hormones, which makes it easier to try new endeavours .

Be open to opportunities

Consider taking a class which will benefit you professionally or personally. This can help initiate a new career path or different job. I took the opportunity to join Toastmasters when running into some of the members unexpectedly. This opened up doors to speaking internationally in fun locations.  Try new things when you have the opportunity. You broaden yourself and do not have to stick with anything for life. A friend offered me her drum set after my divorce. I took her up on it, and discovered a new passion. Take advantage of what comes your way.

A change of environment

Sometimes after an acrimonious divorce, moving away is what is needed to start over. Going back to the same cafés etc. where you went as a couple, can keep you rooted in the past.  A friend and his wife moved to a small town from London. After several years there, they divorced. Dylan felt that he could not escape her. Going to familiar places were a trigger for feeling her energy and not breaking free. He wanted a new life. Only when Dylan relocated and began a relationship with a lovely woman, was he able to start a new chapter in life.  New surroundings can be freeing from the past.

Break Free

Ask yourself what seems to be your stumbling block from having a new beginning. Even if something sounds bonkers, think about it. One man interviewed, said that his hair was a history to his past. After a horrible break up, he had all his hair cut off. He regrew it and feels no ties to his past and is living a new chapter. Do what it takes so you start anew.  Some people have changed their names post-divorce, not just the surname. Others have started new lives by going to retreats or an ashram. Travelling internationally and mingling with other cultures broadens one world and view point. This is what helped me have a new beginning and career.   Think about what excites you and go for it!

Read more articles by Wendi Schuller.

Wendi Schuller

Wendi Schuller is a dating coach who helps people after divorce and break-ups to start dating again. She is a hypnotherapist, NLP practitioner and a nurse. She wrote The Global Guide To Divorce.  https://globalguidetodivorce.com     

She writes the Jack Jack The Cat series for children.

How to End a Marriage Peacefully
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How to End a Marriage Peacefully

chloe-o-contributor
Chloe O.
Alternative Dispute Resolution professional and Certified Divorce Coach
The Divorce and Separation Coach

Not all marriages end in drama and fanfare. In many cases, couples just grow apart. They stop loving each other or simply evolve in different directions. In these kinds of situations, most couples agree that there is no need for war or acrimony. They have come to the conclusion that their marriage is over, but it doesn’t mean everything they had together was a lie and should be destroyed. The question is then about how to end the marriage peacefully and with dignity, rather than angrily and destructively.

Key to the success of such an approach will be the intent of both parties. The more committed they are to managing things with low conflict, the more likely they are to succeed. Because, contrary to what one might think, divorcing amicably can be difficult. You need to negotiate the terms of your agreements, which requires compromise and flexibility. In many ways, divorcing in court is the easy way out: you are delegating the decision-making to a judge. It involves great cost and means you have no control over the terms of your divorce, but it doesn’t involve agreeing to some of the other spouse’s requests.

Couples are more likely to divorce peacefully when they have learned to trust and communicate with each other during their marriage. If the couple has worked together as a team in raising their children and running a family, they are better able to leverage these skills once again at the time of separation. Trust is a key ingredient here as it allows each spouse to feel confident that the other isn’t trying to stab them in the back, and that the proposals they are making are reasonable. It doesn’t mean they will agree on everything, but it means that they are both willing to listen to the logic behind the other person’s position, and to contemplate things from their point of view, without assuming any ill intentions.

Most importantly though, the key to a successful divorce is to seek professional support. Even for a couple who is starting things off with the best of intentions, there is always a degree of conflict involved in divorce. The process requires disentangling two lives, which means everyone is losing something. There will inevitably be times when the soon-to-be-divorced couple will disagree on how to proceed. Professional support can help them get unstuck and explore other options. They can help them leverage conflict de-escalation techniques to make sure they don’t become entrenched in seemingly irreconcilable positions. As mentioned above, amicable divorce is hard work, and it is sometimes difficult to stay the course. The key here is not just to get help when you need it, it is to reach out to like-minded professionals whose objective is to support you in achieving a low-conflict divorce. Caution is therefore of the essence in selecting the professionals who will see you through your divorce negotiations.

The prize, however, makes it all worth the effort. By having a peaceful divorce, you will be preserving your own and your children’s wellbeing by limiting stress, conflict, and uncertainty. If you are co-parenting, this means you will ultimately find it easier to work together as a team to raise your children going forward and have a much better post-divorce relationship. A peaceful divorce will also help you achieve a much better outcome because it will be one that you agreed to willingly, after careful consideration, not one that was dictated by a third party who doesn’t know you. Unfortunately, the idea that divorce is a war where someone loses and someone wins still dominates mindsets. The reality is that everyone will lose a little and win a little. But when you go to court and turn the process into an open conflict, everybody loses, including your children and your bank account.

Read more articles by Chloe O.

About Chloe O.

“My name is Chloe O., I am an Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) professional and a Certified Divorce Coach. I specialise in working with women to help them reduce conflict during and after divorce by improving their negotiation and communication skills with their spouse. The objective is to work towards an amicable divorce outcome in order to minimise the emotional and financial cost of divorce. I work with all types of clients but I have extensive experience in supporting expatriates and international families who are dealing with the unique situation of living abroad during and after their divorce, with limited local family support, language barriers and relocation considerations.”

For more information about my work and services (including my Podcasts, newsletter, myth-buster videos…), you can visit my website and/or follow me on Instagram, Facebook or LinkedIn.

Navigating Divorce With Compassion and Clarity: A Holistic Approach
Photo by William Farlow on Unsplash.
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Navigating Divorce With Compassion and Clarity: A Holistic Approach

Sushma Kotecha
Sushma Kotecha
Family Mediator, Holistic Divorce Life Coach &
Mind-Body Practitioner
Holistic Family Mediation & Coaching

Hello there,

Divorce can feel like sailing through stormy seas, can’t it? Emotions are swirling, and finding your way forward can seem daunting. But amidst the turbulence, there’s a guiding light: a holistic approach to divorce and separation.

Understanding Holistic Divorce

Let’s break it down. Holistic divorce isn’t just about legal proceedings; it’s about tending to your emotional, physical and mental well-being too. It recognises that divorce impacts every aspect of your life and seeks to address those impacts comprehensively.

Imagine this: instead of battling it out in court, you and your ex-partner give mediation a go and sit down with a mediator to find common ground. This approach not only saves time and money but also reduces stress and promotes cooperation. It’s a win-win for everyone involved.

But holistic divorce goes even deeper. It prioritises the emotional health of everyone in the family, especially the children. Through coaching, counselling, and therapy, families can navigate the emotional challenges of divorce with support and guidance.

The Power of Compassion

Now, here’s where the real magic happens. Compassion is your compass through this journey. It means extending kindness to yourself and even to your ex-partner, despite the hurt and anger you may be feeling.

Practicing compassion isn’t easy, especially when emotions are running high. But it can be the key to healing old wounds and finding closure. By letting go of resentment and embracing forgiveness, you free yourself from the weight of the past and open yourself up to a brighter future.

Practical Guidance for Holistic Healing

Let’s get practical. Self-care is your secret weapon here. Whether it’s carving out time for yoga, journaling, or simply taking a walk in nature, prioritise activities that nourish your soul. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup, so make sure to take care of yourself first.

And when kids are in the picture, co-parenting becomes crucial. Keep communication open and always prioritise their well-being. Remember, they’re going through their own emotional journey too, so be patient and understanding.

In conclusion, embracing a holistic approach to divorce is like stepping into the light after a long night. It’s about finding strength in vulnerability and paving the way for a brighter future. Remember, you’re not alone on this journey. With the right support and guidance, you can navigate this challenging time with compassion and clarity.

About Sushma Kotecha

Sushma Kotecha, an accredited family mediator, certified holistic life coach, mind-body practitioner, and author of ‘Holistic Divorce: Sh*t Happens, It’s How You Deal With It That Counts’ is a passionate advocate for empowering individuals navigating through challenging life transitions.

With over 30 years of professional experience in the divorce sector and a deep understanding of family law and mediation, she founded Holistic Family Mediation & Coaching to provide a truly transformative and compassionate approach to divorce and separation. As a divorcee herself, she fully comprehends the emotional trauma of this journey, and is committed to helping individuals create harmonious post-divorce lives.

Her mission is to inspire and empower separating couples to stay out of court, take stock, and make well-informed, mindful decisions. By embracing a holistic approach encompassing the mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual toll of separation and divorce, her clients can heal, thrive, and build stronger connections with their children and family members.

She offers a range of services, including personalised online divorce life coaching, mediation, communication support, and co-parenting guidance. By integrating her legal expertise, accredited mediation skills, mind-body practitioner, and holistic life coaching qualifications, she delivers a service that sets her clients on a path towards healing, growth, and renewed purpose.

Sushma is deeply passionate about helping people going through separation and/or divorce. By working together, they embark on a transformative journey, where she guides them to navigate the legal aspects of divorce while nurturing their emotional and spiritual well-being.

Throughout her career, Sushma had the privilege of positively impacting the lives of countless individuals, providing them with the tools and support to emerge stronger and more resilient. As a finalist at the Leicestershire Business Awards 2022 in the category of ‘Entrepreneur of the Year’, the Niche Business Awards 2023 in the category of ‘Best New Business of the Year’ and ‘Family Mediator of the Year’ in the British Family Law Awards 2024, she takes immense pride in the success of Holistic Family Mediation & Coaching.

You can find Sushma and stay connected through her website where you’ll discover valuable resources and insights to guide you through your separation and/or divorce journey. For her personal story click here.

Stay connected with Sushma on social media platforms by following her on X, Instagram, and LinkedIn for regular updates, inspirations, and a glimpse into the world of holistic mediation and divorce life coaching.

Sushma looks forward to walking alongside you on this transformative path, offering compassion, guidance, and support as you embrace the next chapter of your life with clarity and resilience.

Nurturing Your Mind and Body During & After Divorce Interview
Thumbnail for the YouTube Video "Nurturing Your Mind and Body During & After Divorce - TDM Expert Interviews (EP. 7) - Jules Anderson"
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Nurturing Your Mind and Body During & After Divorce – TDM Expert Interviews

Jules Anderson
Jules Anderson
Functional Health Coach and Founder of feelglorious.com

Introducing our latest transcript blog featuring an enlightening interview with Jules Anderson, a distinguished Natural Health and Nutrition Consultant. In this insightful conversation, Jules shares invaluable wisdom on nurturing your mind and body not just during, but after a divorce.

Join us as we delve into practical strategies for protecting your mind and physical health during a turbulent period. Get ready to be inspired and empowered as we explore the transformative power of taking care of yourself mentally and nutritionally.

Read on for the full transcript of our video, “Nurturing Your Mind and Body During & After Divorce.”

 

Today we have Jules. Welcome everybody to The Divorce Magazine it’s an online magazine that deals with all aspects of divorce and um, all the contributors that we have on The Divorce Magazine such as Jules are all professionals so we don’t have bloggers and um, people who just kind of know a little bit of something about something, we have professionals who contribute to The Divorce Magazine all the time except where somebody is writing um, an article about their own experience of divorce.

So today we have Jules, Jules Anderson, I used to be a client of Jules Anderson a few years ago and I still remember some of the things that you said to me in terms of nutrition and health. So I’ll tell you a little bit about Jules.

Jules has a degree um, a first class degree in Chemistry, a diploma in Anatomy and Physiology, she’s a trained Integrative Nutritionist and Functional Medicine and is a certified Metabolic Balance Practitioner. Jules specialises in midlife health and has a particular passion for enhancing energy, longevity, and health span, enabling people to live better, for longer. Her approach is a combination of cutting edge science and technologies as you can see from her um, qualifications they just all fall into place, as well as natural approaches and behavioural psychology, to create vibrant health and that actually lasts.

And um, yeah I just started off by saying that I still remember what and this was maybe in 20 I don’t know, 14 or something like that where you, I was your client and I still remember stuff that you said to me. So that actually lasts. Yes it does last. Jules founded Feel Glorious in 2011, and works internationally with individuals and businesses such as Schroders, Rathbones, Amazon, Shell Foundation, Uncommon, Green King, Telus Communication, and wework, and those are just some of them I know there others Jules we haven’t put on there.

She has been featured in health publications including Natural Health, Health & Wellbeing, and Time & Leisure magazines. She’s the creator of Thrive, which is a comprehensive health programme revitalising the health of exhausted professionals, you know who you are, we know, I know who I am, in that way exhausted professionals, to ease pain, reduce stress, renew energy, and transform performance and wellbeing. So welcome Jules so good to have you and thanks so much for being one of our interviewers on The Divorce Magazine. Oh it’s an absolute pleasure, so good to be speaking with you. Is there anything I’ve missed out on to mention Jules from your biography or? It’s all, I think that’s all the main elements there’s obviously lots more but um, that’s, that’s me in a nutshell. Okay and then in the end we’ll, we’ll give you a website and so people know where to find you yeah? Yeah.

What Should Somebody Going Through Divorce Keep in Mind in Terms of Nurturing and Wellbeing?

Okay so Jules here we are, Divorce Magazine, and we’re talking about nutrition and wellbeing when you’re going through divorce and I just wanted your take on this, what would you say to somebody who’s going through divorce because sometimes we reach out for the easiest, you know coping skills, or strategies. But what would you ask somebody or people who are going through divorce to keep in mind in terms of naturing and wellbeing?

Well one of the main issues I find is because divorce can be such a long drawn out process, and it can be really stressful there’s uncertainty, there’s navigating sort of, the legal system which for most people is really unfamiliar um, and that can be um,  and then you’re trying to balance managing your, your children’s health and managing your own, you know self and juggling work and all the responsibilities you already have with this additional stressful process, prioritising your health and managing those stress levels, being aware of the toll that it’s taking on you.

Because, and I’ve so many of my clients are going through some kind of turbulent upheaval in their, in their private life, and it’s had knock on effects on their health, and often I’m seeing people at the tail end of that. So the one thing I’d always encourage people to look at, is actually really prioritising your health as you’re going through it, to help you manage it better, to help you make better decisions along the way because sometimes when you’re, it’s very common to reach for sugar, and comfort foods, and bottles of wine, and things that might, a little bit of short term relief. But what often happens is people end up relying on them too much and when the process has gone on for a long time, they become a coping mechanism that’s actually not really helping and often just exacerbating the problem because they have knock on effects on your mental health, on the quality of your sleep and actually exacerbating the stress that you’re already feeling.

So whilst I would never say to someone go full on, on a you know, embark on some new rigid um, restrictive regime in terms of health, nurturing your health in a more gentle way, through the whole process will mean that you don’t end up like some of my clients, falling off the waterfall um, at the end, rather than actually if you address it sooner, when you emerge from divorce, you’re emerging with some strength and some resilience still intact.

How Do I Know if I Need to Change the Way That I’m Managing? What Would My Body Tell Me?

Yeah so if, if I what, what would you because you’re talking about nurturing, you know and being aware of how, you know, how to cope, with the whole process and I’m just wondering how do I know if I need to change the way that I’m, I’m, I’m managing? What would, what would my body tell me? Is it that I wouldn’t be sleeping well? Would I be shouting at the children? Would I just be exhausted, brain fog? Are those the kind of signs that you know something needs to change, um, when you’re going through a, you know divorce or separation?

Yeah, those are all really typical even in term, in even without the, going through an official divorce process, even if you’re just having problems with your primary relationship, yeah, it those the, the impact of those um, extra emotional stresses, people will often find they’re not sleeping. We often find that we are more irritable, more snappy, more this is to do with our sort of our stress hormones interact with other hormones in our body, so the stress hormones interact with our metabolic hormones, so like, like our sort of insulin release, it affects our sugar levels and that can make you more, crabby and more and, and your energy erratic um, it affects the, the sort of neurotransmitters going on in your brain so it’ll affect how fulfilled and, and all those kind of endorphin levels get depleted because you’re, you’re burning up with, with too many stress hormones so it tips the balance of, all of those in your body.

So typically it’s mood uh, sleep, cravings are really common um, and you do seek and crave out sweet foods um, and you’ll look for, you’ll, people seek those out and I always, people say “oh how much is too much?” And, and “how do I know?” Well, if you actually just sit back, most people can, can judge themselves when a small glass of wine at the end of the day, or a little piece of chocolate as a treat um, is, is just that, just to take the edge off what can be a really stressful time.

Most people if they really thought about it and honest with themselves would know when it’s tipping into, I’m just relying on that now, it’s like I need chocolate, I need a drink. Rather than I’m just going to have that just as a, a nice little extra treat you know I’m gonna let myself have that. Yeah, okay.

What Happens to Our Body When We’re Going Through Stress?

Yeah and um, because one of the things that you know, we’ve talked a lot about here already is the stress. And I was actually just talking about stress with my daughters the other day, and saying that stress is, actually a thing, it’s not just you know what we so used to saying, I’m stressed, I’m stressed, I’m stressed, but stress in itself can actually be a thing that can be so detrimental to your health, right? And I was wondering if we can just touch on, you know the body’s response to stress what, what happens to the body when we’re going through stress? I just want people to know that it is actually a thing it’s, it’s not just a word!

Yeah, we, we have it we use it so much these days as if it is this kind of free flowing concept, yeah, people are always having so stressed but what happens is it’s a, it’s an evolutionary, biological response and a survival mechanism. So, as, as we evolved, we, and it’s designed in our bodies as a response to keep us safe. So if you think back um, back in you know thousands of years ago, we were having to escape from predators. So you know a tiger would appear, a tiger’s going to eat us, we have to, our body stimulates a response that gets us super alert and primes our muscles. So all, all the body’s attention is going into the systems in the body that are going to make us run like the clappers and get away from the tiger.

Um, and that’s meant to be a really short-term response. What it also does in turning on those body systems, for the alertness for the muscle strength, it’s turning off every other system in the body that it deems unnecessary. So, things like digestion. Things like reproduction, because the last thing, if you’re running away from a tiger, the last thing you’re going to do is stop to have a bagel um, you know you don’t, your body doesn’t need to be digesting food, yeah, it’s why a lot of people who are highly stressed have problems conceiving, because the body doesn’t deem, reproduction necessary when it’s in survival mode. So it will turn off and restrict all those processes that lead to healthy reproduction. It’s the same with sleep, the last thing your body needs is to be feeling sleepy when it needs to escape a predator you need to be super alert, so the body can go into, in, in short term it’s really valuable, but in long term most of us now aren’t suffering from short term um, survival threatening stresses, but we are suffering, from a drip feed of chronic, small stressors.

Whether it’s I’m late for a meeting and my child won’t put his shoes on um, or, you know someone’s cut me up when I’m trying to get out of my driveway, or all those small those small, everyday stresses, like I’m working to a deadline or I’m late for something, they’re al,l they will have the same response in the body, because the body isn’t differentiating between the type of stress, but what we’re getting is a is a drip feed of stress hormones into our system, when what we’re designed to do is have a huge um, a sort of massive influx of stress hormones, and then a very quick release of them, and then we can all we can relax afterwards.

Yeah, um, and what happens when we’ve got long-term drip feed of stress hormones um, it’s affecting, we’ve got complete hormone imbalance, but then also our body gets locked in this hypervigilant mode, which makes us anxious, it stops us sleeping, because stress hormones don’t want us to sleep. So if you’ve got too many stress hormones in your body, it’s why we’re wide awake in the middle of the night because, it’s a hormonal imbalance in our body due to stress.

Do you then just feel like um, because as you’re speaking even when you’re talking about the drip, you know, of stress I’m feeling it I’m thinking oh my gosh, yeah, that can be just there’s no moment of rest and maybe that’s when people start becoming um, snappy with their children, or during divorce processes if, as soon as you see a text message from your ex um, spouse you’re already like, and maybe they’re just sending a message saying “stuck in traffic” um, “running late will be there in 10.” And immediately you see that you’re already like oh my God it’s always late, she’s always late, you know and you’re already just, you know worked up even before anything has happened cause you have this stress just, running through your, your body.

If we think about trigger it’s because we’re super sensitive as the way we would be if we we’ve got up a tree, but we know the Tiger’s still there and it can climb! Relax, and the least sound, even just leaf snapping, is going to make your whole body jolt and that’s, that’s.

What Can Someone Do Nutritionally or Wellbeing Wise to Relieve Stress?

What would you suggest what would you suggest in terms of because, I know even working with, with some of the clients that I work with where there’s they’re very, very I would say stuck in this um, stress situation where you don’t understand what he’s doing, you don’t understand what she’s doing, you know even shifting from there, what would you suggest either nutritionally, wellbeing, that a person in that state, where they’re really stuck in an acrimonious divorce does for themselves?

You know one of the most healthy things that someone can do and, and the most almost instant, you can almost instantly access a different part of your nervous system, is and, it’s the technical term is kind of somatic exercises, or somatic awareness, which basically means your body, rather than your mind and it’s really interesting because even as we’re talking you were doing, you were actually doing this, and this is what I see in so many clients, we get we’re a very cerebral culture these days, and when you’re in the process of something like a divorce, we’re used to having to think our way through the process, because we’re so overwhelmed with new information, new situations and there’s so much going on in our heads, we add in this hypervigilance and, and there’s so much energy going on up here, that that becomes, we get stuck and it’s very difficult to think your way out of it. Yeah, and actually if you can access your, your body, our bodies have so much wisdom, again this is evolutionary biochemistry, not anything fluffy or, or woo woo or esoteric, but when we can access our, our body in a more visceral way, then it can take the energy out of our heads and back into our bodies.

So, anything from there’s so many different breathing techniques you can do, to get your breath, because we end up holding our breath, and that again is, is stopping a lot of processes in our body from going on, so just being aware of your breath and trying to kind of breathe into something. Uh techniques like yoga, anything that, or dancing, or walking outside in nature the real, the simple things that you read about all the time, the reason they make us feel good if they get us into our bodies. You can move around um, actually when you, if you watch an animal who’s run, or you know animals say dogs have been chasing each other in the park, or anything like that and they’ve expended a lot of energy a dog will shake, or an animal will shake, after a stressful situation. If you watch a nature program, and you know the deer have been running away from the, the you know the, the cheater or whoever’s chasing, them afterwards quite often these animals will shake themselves out, and that gets rid of a lot of the stress. Dissipates a lot of the stress hormones and the tension in the body.

So movement, any kind of movement to dissipate the tension um, you know which is why hot baths and showers can really help because we’re into our bodies and swimming um, things like that can really help, singing, things like singing really helped because, I did hear that actually from the vibration of the, yes, and this is to do with our, we’ve got something called the vagus nerve which is the, the, the nervous system that runs from our, we talk about our gut brain you know we have gut feelings, and we can get butterflies, we can get nervous tummy, and we’ve got this, communication that goes on between our guts and our brains, connected by something the vagus nerve, and things like singing really activate the vagus nerve, and what that does is it pulls us out of that fight or flight, which is all the release of hormones and chemicals that help us run away from Tigers, back into what’s sort of the it’s called the parasympathetic nervous system which is the rest, and digest, the peaceful the, you know the deer are all just grazing and having a great time and not, you know, with not care in the world um, and we need to be in that rest and digest mode for something like 90 – 95% of our day and we only need to be in that stress mode for about 5%. Um, and short bursts.

So anything yeah, movement, you know just moving, I remember I used, when I was going through my divorce and I didn’t even realise this but I used to love to dance in the kitchen, on my own like no one is watching to just like, you know dance put on my music and just dance, so I see why that can um, why I was doing it then um, so singing, also just using your voice um, also what else can, I love those and showers and you know, just something physiological that you’re, yeah. Things that help get you, into out, anything that gets you out of your head so for some people just going for a long walk, or going to the garden, or playing an instrument, or, you know there’s some, there’s certain things that people just you know, some people love going to all second-hand bookshops and just you know, mooting around those, anything that gets you into a, a sort of either that kind of what they call like a flow state where you lose track of time, but particularly where, you’re using your body.

You know people will go often, people will go for a run, I would never say to someone start running, or start going to the gym, or start doing an exercise regime, it’s like find the thing that you love, because the other thing about doing something that you love, is it stimulates another um, something called nitric oxide in the body which is very, good for your, sort of circulation it’s like a bit of a high it makes you feel good it’s a, it’s a sort of real feel good type molecule as well, as all the, it’s got some amazing benefits for things like cardiovascular health.

What Food Should You Avoid When Dealing With Stress or Going Through a Divorce?

What about um, food wise what to avoid when you’re going through divorce? We know sugar and alcohol, in plenty, you’re not saying don’t have any of it, but, what, what other foods can we avoid when we’re going through divorce and separation?

Those, those really are the, the main culprits. I always think when you’re in a situation like that where you’re struggling, that kind of combination of stress, sleep, and sugar, sort of three s’s, can become a real vicious cycle and the problem with sugar is the reason people do it, is because it gives you a burst of energy, which when people struggling through a divorce, any kind of little burst of energy to help get you through it, is helpful and that’s to do with the insulin release. But it also releases some endorphins, so you get a little bit of a high when you’ve had something nice and sweet um, but in the long term, it’s completely messing up that hormone balance, it’s also feeding your bad gut bacteria, and then it will lead to cravings and it’s the same with alcohol because you’ve got so much sugar in alcohol anyway, and it’s that same cycle.

Yeah, so I would always say and processed foods, any type of processed food, or low nutrient level, sort of junk foods, things with too many additives and artificial anything in them, yeah, it’s adding burden on your body and if it’s adding burden on your body system, that’s already over stressed, it’s almost like trying, you sort of got your scales there and you’ve tipped all these extra stresses on your body and then if you’re adding food that your body doesn’t recognise, it’s just tipping the scales even further into red because things like processed and junk foods or, you know highly sugared foods things lots of additives there, your body doesn’t know what to do with them. You don’t, not evolved to know what to do with a with a synthetic chemical, so our liver is frantically trying to detoxify it, our body can’t process it, often it’s storing things away in fat again to keep our body safe, it’s like well, almost you can shove it away in fat cells because toxins get stored in fat, so a lot of people find they gain weight, so there’s, there’s a lot of things that you can do to help you whilst again, I’m not about, as soon as you tell your body to stop something completely, all your brain will ever think about is that thing, if you say to someone don’t have any alcohol at all or don’t have any sugar, that’s the one thing that they just can’t stop thinking about.

So you’ve got to be able to let yourself be okay with having some, yeah, but there’s things that can stop you craving, because again, we talked about stress and sleep and they can they mess with your hormone balance and hormones that, that, that signal hunger and signal satisfaction get thrown out of balance as well, so, which is why you keep craving things, you can’t just have one glass of wine and you keep craving more, more, and more. It’s because your hormones have got knocked out of balance, yeah, and your I’m satisfied hormone isn’t working properly but if you start, rather than thinking about taking loads of stuff out, I always think if you put more things in, that help those hormones, help trigger satisfaction and trigger you know actually, do you know what, I don’t feel like I don’t feel hungry anymore, it’s going to reduce your need to eat in the first place.

I like that idea of um, instead of thinking what to take out, think about what to bring in that will then rebalance your hormones and, and, um your satisfaction you know, I guess hormones to tell you that you’ve had enough. I also like the fact that you’re not saying um, okay that’s it no more sugar, because sugar comes in so many things so I would spend my day looking, does this have sugar and already I’m stressed that I’m going through divorce, here comes my kid who’s screaming, I don’t have time to start looking and thinking does it have, go no I can’t have that, it’s more, you know slowly, and whatever works for you physically, you know in terms of, of enjoying it, it sounds so, so, naturing when you look at it like that it’s because we are people, we’re not little machines who can just switch on and off little things but this sounds so naturing and, and you know looked after, and looking after in the best way that we can at that moment, without being told you know that is x.

I always think the, the, the most successful approach in any kind of health approach, is one that you can maintain, because we don’t, you’re absolutely right we’re not creatures in a lab experiment, devoid of everything that’s going on around us, we’re real people, with messy lives often, with lots of stressors and lots of things we have to juggle, and then we’re all different.

We have individual circumstances, environments, we all have individual intolerances, and sugar and toxins and all of these things, and we have to be mindful of what suits us when we’re, when everything in life is going really well, is different to what’s going to suit us when we’re going through a quite a turbulent time emotionally, um, and practically and logistically you know, it’s not just an emotional issue divorce, you’ve got lots of extra responsibilities to deal with, there’s lots of anxiety over, finances, there’s lots of practical issues around gosh, so now I’m going to have to leave work at 5 to pick up kids because my partner’s not there and, and all of those things and take a massive toll and you have to take an individual approach, yeah, and do it in a way that brings all of those elements into play because it’s not as simple as, you know nutritionally, this is the ideal things that we should be eating, yeah, but we’re not one type of person, in one type of circumstance or just in a in a lab.

If you do small things on a daily basis it’s going to have far more effect than, trying to do big things in the short term because then you know, you can’t sustain them. If I, um, I mean one I, I need to say this because I, one of the things that has stuck with me since when we started working together, you know out of everything else, was um, remember how much I used to eat biscuits and I didn’t realise just how many biscuits I was eating in the day until we did the whole food check and um, nowadays I can just go for ages without even thinking about a biscuit. I can think to myself ‘oh yeah I’m going to get myself some custard creams’ and I have a couple and then I’m like, well that’s enough, you know you didn’t turn around and say that’s it Soila, no biscuits and look it, it lasted, and it’s worked, and it’s helped and amongst other things.

How Would You Start the Process if You Are Working With Someone Who is Going Through a Divorce?

But um, what I wanted to ask you Jules so you know you mentioned about your Thrive um, Programme, is that also for people going through divorce? Can it be for people going through divorce and separation? Is it for, and I ask this question knowing kind of like what the answer is it, is it for both male, female, them, any gender, sexuality, you know because talking about, okay let’s imagine that I’ve come to you, to you know, just for clarity.

I’ve come to you, I’m going through a divorce um, we’re going to court next week, I have got two you know, children at home and I’m really stressing I’m beginning to see my skin is changing, I’m putting on weight and I need help um, where would you start with me?

Well with, with the program I’ve got and yes, and in answer to your, excuse me, in answer to your first question, it is for anybody. I do tend to work more with people in midlife, in sort of 40s and 50s, because they tend to be coming to me more with a, a list of issues rather than just I’ve got a particular problem sorting out, but often it’s because they’re in the midst of some turbulent situation, either at work or in relationship is feeding into that so it’s something that would work regardless and actually I’m, I’m, actually even looking at having more specific um, elements of the programme, for people going through divorce because I’ve had such a lot of interest from uh, law firms in putting some provision together for their clients.

But even with the individual one, what we do is for all the clients, I mean with anyone I’ll take a, a full comprehensive uh, health history assessment and there’s a questionnaire so we had, we have an initial session that’s 90 minutes, so to understand every part of your health, and your life, and your situation, because any stressful situations are going to be a huge component of how we approach getting to the, getting out the other side. But then we’ll address, address throughout the, the program we’ll address the key what I, is call them the key pillars of health which is and we’ve talked about stress and sleep, we’ve talked about gut health, we’ve talked about hormones, we’ve talked about metabolism, um, and then also mindset and habits.

Because making for me, having those, creating small, daily and I’d almost rather call them rituals, than routines, or actions, daily actions because that almost implies something you have to make yourself do. Whereas if you can create it as a ritual, something that you can enjoy doing, you can then, so you’ll want to sustain it, and because we’re all really busy people, the last thing we want to do is you say spend our day weighing food, looking at food labels, double-checking everything and, feeling guilty, exactly, exactly because guilt is another way of stimulating stress hormones.

So, we’ll cover through on a one-to-one basis I would normally take people on for like a six month programme, and then we’ll look at each of those pillars um, individually but we’ll be focusing very much on what each individual person um, the individual needs because everyone’s got slightly different priorities in terms of health, you can look at actually which, which of these areas is the most important to tackle first and actually or, which of them actually is quite a simple one to tackle, because if, if we can get some quite quick results for people, then that’s always going to be beneficial, because if you’re getting some quick results and you start to feel better quickly, everything goes better, you’ll be able to better tackle the rest of the process, you’ll be more motivated um, so it works on, on all those levels they all cover those, those pillars.

Holistic, it’s quite holistic, it’s because it needs to be to gain the long-term success. Because there’s, it, there’s millions of people out there who will and show on their website here’s this amazing transformation this person’s had, here’s a before and an after, what they don’t show them, is that same person six months later, or a year later, when 95% of them and the research shows this time and time again, 95% of those great success stories, a year later have returned to back to where they were, or actually worse. So, me, yeah, having something people can sustain is. Sorry Jo, I’m just thinking what, what um, because what I’m hearing from your, your programme it’s not just the dos and the rituals but it’s also, for the person to understand, what actually happens to them at that moment and to link my nutrition, my well-being, to my whole self, it’s not just meat is bad for you, eggs are brilliant, bananas and mangoes, and, all that it’s actually yeah but why, what about them makes it important for me to have it now, and to not have too much of this. So I think un connecting the two, understanding and doing can help in the long-term plans that you, you have for your wellbeing pre, post, during divorce.

It’s really important to know because we’re it’s one thing to say things like meat is bad, banana’s good, but it varies a lot from person to person, and if somebody is not a meat eater, or is, lactose intolerant, or you know, there’s lots of there’s lots of small factors and nuances, the most important thing as, as you mentioned, is if you can understand your own body, your own preferences, and your own responses, and I know when we work together we did a lot in terms of writing stuff down and doing food diaries and doing little kind of various sort of experiments on, on to help you experience, how your body reacts, because it’s one thing reading something in a book or a magazine or seeing it on TV and understanding it intellectually, but when you experience it, and you write it down, that understanding in itself, yeah, um, really helps people, in terms of motivation, in terms of what action they take.

And I’ve, since we worked together because that must be like you say more than 10 years ago probably, yeah, um, I’ve introduced more, because there’s a lot of, of really great technology available now, so I’ve introduced some of that into the programess that I work with so that um, we can measure say your blood response to glucose um, and things like uh, there’s something called heart rate variability, which measures your individual response to stress, right, shows the impact that your day-to-day actions not only have on your stress and recovery. So again, looking at you’re almost seeing it on a chart of those bursts of energy versus recovery, like we’re supposed to do, and a lot of people are just showing that it’s all red bars so constant, constant stress and no recovery, and you can see really clearly the impact it has on your sleep quality.

So, even just, I find that people seeing something on a chart, helps reinforce, and then if you, you log it to what you do in a day, you can very quickly start to see that you know what a small glass of wine, if I have it by 7 o’clock, doesn’t really impact my sleep much but if I have a couple of glasses or I have them later in the evening, gosh it makes a big difference. I work late, I’m up on my computer and screen’s working late, does that have an impact on my sleep? Or what happens if I take a break at lunchtime or compared to when I power through because I’ve got a deadline? And when you can see it in a chart um, writing it down obviously as you know from working together, makes a difference, it does.

Days when you say, no I didn’t have any biscuits on yesterday, well actually I’m looking at your diary here Soila it says you had four! In the morning! You can forget, yes, but writing down is a, is really beneficial but the, the, the additional benefit you can get from using a bit of technology, often really, I will only ever use those if they stimulate action in people. They help understanding and they, they inspire action because other than that, I have a little bit of a love hate relationship devices because, a lot of people, they will, particularly when it comes to sleep, steps can be motivating, but a lot of the other metrics on there, and I find particularly with sleep, I’ve had several clients say to me you know “I can look at my sleep, I look at my sleep on my device, or my on my phone and I woke up and I felt fine and then I looked and my, my, my, Apple watch told me I’d had really rubbish sleep last night so then I felt bad” and you’re actually letting a device tell you how you should feel, and that is not something. But I think it can be used much more intelligently to help you understand your body, and take specific action.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no I, I, I, really like the, individual stance that you’re taking with your clients. It’s not, an umbrella you know that everybody should cut down on meat, everyone should have more chicken, it’s not that it’s actually looking at me, and what how I work, how I operate, what Soila has, doesn’t have, what works, what doesn’t work and not, you know putting the same thing to, onto Penny, who’s doing something different and you think that we should be doing the same thing. So I really like that whole idea and I know that it works because it lasted with me so, yeah, so I know, I know your work.

Um, Jules thank you so much, thank you so much for coming on today and speaking to us on The Divorce Magazine. Really, really helpful I, I um, I’ve come to learn how important nutrition is while you’re going through divorce and separation or any other life stresses, if anybody wanted to get in touch with you, how could they go about doing that? The best place to get in touch initially is just to go to my website, which is feelglorious.com, there’s lots of information on there, there’s, there’s also I’ve got a free quiz that you can do, it just takes a couple of minutes and actually it can help, pinpoint within those six pillars, where you could focus the most attention, I’m all about sort of the 80/20 rule, if 20% of your actions can give you 80% of the result, then focus on, focus on the areas that can get you the biggest result. So that quiz can really help, okay, um, and then all my contact details are on there you can find me on socials as Glorious Jules, and again there’s, there’s, there’s lots of resources I do, I do frequent talks and free webinars um, and there’s information about my programmes on there as well.

I do have a group programme that I launched um, a couple times a year, as well which still covers those pillars and allows for some personalisation within there, so it’s, whilst it’s a group one you still, it’s, you’re still able to personalise. How many people maximum in a group? I tend to keep it around 20 uh, 20 maximum, yeah, okay, again it’s nice for people to have some, some feel that they’re getting certain attention so we do Q&A’s, we do online, we do online sessions so you can get your individual questions asked as well. Okay, Jules thank you so much, it’s been such a pleasure having you um, there’s so much, I had questions but then I thought to myself we can’t be doing all of that right now, you’re going to have another time um, so thank you so much, and um, thanks for coming on The Divorce Magazine. Oh, always a pleasure!

[Music]

Read more articles by Jules Anderson.

About Jules Anderson BSc (Hons:1st). Dip (ITEC). CHHC

Jules has a first class degree in Chemistry, a diploma in anatomy & physiology, is trained in integrative nutrition and functional medicine and is a certified Metabolic Balance® practitioner. She specialises in midlife health and has a particular passion for enhancing energy, longevity and healthspan, enabling people to live better for longer.

Her approach is a combination of cutting edge science & technologies, natural approaches and behavioural psychology – to create vibrant health that actually lasts.

Jules founded Feel Glorious in 2011 and works internationally with individuals and businesses, including Schroders, Rathbones, Amazon, Shell Foundation, Telus Communications and WeWork. She has been featured in health publications including Natural Health, Health & Wellbeing and Time & Leisure magazines.

She is the creator of Thrive – a comprehensive health programme revitalising the health of exhausted professionals – to ease pain, reduce stress, renew energy and transform performance and wellbeing.

How to Cope with Divorce Interview
Thumbnail for the YouTube video "How to Cope with Divorce - TDM Expert Interviews (EP. 6) - Danielle Barbereau"
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How to Cope With Divorce – TDM Expert Interviews

Danielle Barbereau
Danielle Barbereau
Divorce Coach
Danielle Barbereau – Professional Divorce Coach

Introducing our latest transcript blog featuring an enlightening interview with Danielle Barbereau, a distinguished Divorce Coach. In this insightful conversation, Danielle shares invaluable wisdom on navigating the emotional journey of divorce and finding the resilience to cope with divorce.

Join us as we delve into practical strategies for coping with divorce and embracing personal growth amidst life’s challenges. Get ready to be inspired and empowered as we explore the transformative power of resilience and self-care in the face of adversity.

Read on for the full transcript of our video, “How to Cope with Divorce.”

[Music]

Hello everybody, um, today I’m so pleased to have Danielle with me on The Divorce Magazine, which is part of our events that we’re holding at the moment which is all about navigating divorce.

And today um, Danielle who’s been a contributor to The Divorce Magazine before, is here to talk to us, about the process of divorce but from a different angle not the financial side and not from the legal side. I’ll tell you what she’s going to speak about today.

So before that I’ll tell you a little bit about Danielle. She’s a highly qualified, I’m going to read it here on the screen, she’s a highly qualified Relationship Coach, and the UK’s first specialist in Divorce Coaching. She’s a published, published author of “After the Split”, a book that I highly recommend, and Edition One and Edition Two. And she’s currently writing her first novel, well done Danielle, thank you, diminished woman and another one that she’s co-authoring um, at the moment with Alex Swallow which is going to be of immense help, to other coaches who are building up their practice.

So they’re in the process of writing that, you’re working on your title, you’re almost finished, and I think a lot of people will need and they do need help just building up their own private practices, so I think that will be really, really welcome, to a lot of people. Probably not only divorce coaches by the way, even psychologists when they’re set, setting up their own private practices. What do we need to know ,yeah, yeah.

Because the problem is if you are not successful in this, you may be tempted to give up. And that be a crying shame. Completely. And um, Danielle has worked in the field of divorce since 2010, and has worked with over 1,400 clients. She’s um she’s, she’s a fully qualified coach with a Masters in Sociology and a Masters in Coaching.

On The Divorce Magazine if you want to read any of the articles that Danielle has written for us, you can go on there. We have “Impact of Breakup and How to Survive It”, and there’s “Why do People Have Affairs?” and the other one that we have is “Coping With Divorce When Your Spouse Leaves you.” So really, really you know, it’s those timeless articles because divorce keeps happening and those topics are still relevant today.

I’m Soila, I’m a, Counselling Psychologist and the Founder of The Divorce Magazine. Um, so today Danielle I came across your blog, um, which was entitled um, “Steadying Yourself When you Wobble During Divorce and, and Separation” and I thought, perfect for navigating divorce um, events at the moment that we’re holding on The Divorce Magazine.

How do we steady ourselves when we start wobbling during the divorce process?

And so yeah, please, tell us how do we steady ourselves when we start wobbling during the divorce process? Thank you very much Soila, I think the first thing to say is that it is completely normal to wobble. In fact, it would be abnormal not to. Of course it is, because we are going through something so enormous – a loss of identity, a loss of everything we knew before.

Probably we’ve been betrayed as well in the process for example, if somebody has left you without telling much truth actually for another person. So it’s extremely uh, difficult and completely normal to, make a little bit of progress and then a, dip again, completely, completely normal.

I was looking at a client I’ve had since the new year, and I was uh, wondering why have they stayed for a long time in their marriage actually because, you can also wobble, about deciding or not to leave the relationship and sometimes, when you are in a marriage uh, the other partner may be quite adept, as at doing quite enough, just to keep you there. And then obviously falls back into bad habits.

So I looked at clients and I thought well, what do they have in common and I’ve made a couple of notes which is why I’m looking down here.

The first one is that, they are all over the place. That’s a, a very technical place for tell but actually that’s what it is, they don’t know what to think. They are low, confused, unhappy, uncertain, and in these sit, situations it’s very difficult, to take a you know, to keep going in something when we are not too sure.

They may also believe what, their partners has said. For example that it’s their fault, if a relation, “look what you made me do” is a sentence we all know. So they scared of ending the marriage especially, if they’ve tried very, very hard to keep it going and invested so much of themselves in that.

And of course everybody hope that things would get better, and even when a decision is made, they still deep down hope that our partner is going to realise what an error they are committing and they are going to come back. And also, a lot of people have a great deal to lose, by ending a relationship. By um, financially of course, but also socially uh, and you know some people operate in circles where frankly they’re going to be dropped very quickly, at the end of a relationship.

So it’s normal, normal first of all to take a long time to make the decision, and secondly, even when the decision is made, to wobble, for all these reasons. Yeah, I really like that. That, that part where you’re saying “it’s normal to wobble”, “it’s normal to wobble” and just before we started um, recording, there’s a quote that you read and um, do you remember.

I like that quote, that I found somebody online called, Dr Julia Samuel and in fact I will refer to her once more before the end but she said, “grief” and we’re looking at grief here loss, “is an emotional response to an event.” So something unthinkable, unexpected happens, and we have an emotional response. Well that’s normal isn’t it. But somehow, we’re very harsh on ourselves, thinking why can’t I resolve this. Well there’s plenty of reason why we can’t resolve this. So I like that very much.

Can you talk a little bit more about the grief we experience when going through a divorce?

Yeah, can I just tap on that part where you’re talking about grief, because one thing that I find that when, when I work with, because my work is very much with children, parents, who are going through divorce to do with their children. Not so much with them as the adults, but to help them, uh, navigate their children’s feelings, emotions, and so forth.

And one of the things that I have found when I, when I do my assessment with the parents, is, understanding how easy it, it is to not really understand that going through a divorce is not just grieving for, the loss of the marriage, but there’s so much more that you’re grieving for. Can we talk a little bit about the grief?

Absolutely. Um, we grieve not only, about as you said the end of a relationship, but first, first of all, there are a lot of people affected, and you mentioned children, also elderly parents, also friends and family so all this, is extremely difficult and some times for example, being humiliated out of a relationship, if this been an affair or if everybody knew before, you did, it’s really, really difficult to handle.

I remember a client saying to me years ago, “I’ve lost my past and I have lost my future.” And that sentence stayed with me because obviously she thought she had been married for over 30 years, they had children, so she felt that, that all, all that was tainted. But also she was looking forward to a happy retirement with her husband, who incidentally had asked her to go and buy a house, never visited it, and then said “by the way this is your house now, and I’m going there.” So she said I’ve lost my future. That is terrible.

How do you help a client who feels like they have lost their past and their future cope with divorce?

Yeah, and I’m just thinking just that what you said about “I have lost my past and I’ve lost my future.” Can I just ask how you then helped this client because, I’m sure there are people who are going to be listening to this who are just like, absolutely, especially when they’re in the beginning, of the divorce process or they’re really into it. What would you say to them, if they think “I’ve lost my past and I’ve lost my future.” What would you say?

First of all it’s important that they feel hurt, it is true. Because I mean they’re going to feel that, their partner is bulldozing them into making decisions, there is a legal process taking place, they’re completely losing control, so I think the first thing I want them to know, is that their fear, is valid. They need to be heard, it is true, they have lost the future as they had dreamt it.

But of course, once they work through all this, they will discover another future, often a better one by the way, but it is at that point, they don’t see it, at all, and yes it’s true that they, for example this woman at from the lovely cottage in the country, thinking it would be happily ever after, except she found herself on her own in the beautiful cottage.

So yes, the future has been to stolen from her, but then I work at first of all, helping them through the worst of it because they are at a terrible time, in fact I remember that client, cried so much that I was running out of tissues! I had a box, and she was using them all, um, and then, it’s important but equally they can’t stay there. You can’t forever think, “oh my God somebody has stolen my future.” That cannot be.

So, very quickly you have to think of, extracting yourself from this. So first of all it’s the survival, and then starting to think, and later on when you work through, and often the relationship was not that good actually when you think about it, there were things which were not brilliant, you work through and start thinking of another future. Yeah, yeah.

And you said something there about, first of all she can’t stay there. No. But we know, you know and I know, yeah, that there are men, and women, and spouses, and ex spouses, who will stay there and not just for the year, they can stay there for, several years. And that is so, depressing to see. Because it is normal.

I mean you know people have been punched in the stomach metaphorically speaking, it’s a huge thing, it’s a huge shock. It’s like, a kind of a grenade in your life, and it’s normal to take time, at first you’re winded for a while, and then you have to work through something extremely complicated which makes no sense. But I would say that after a few months, you have to start thinking now hang on a minute, during that time if I’m not working through this, my life is on hold, my partner’s life is not on hold, if there is another party involved. They’re not on hold, so who is losing there?

I think it’s very important to see that, and I also think that, it is incredibly bad for clients to ruminate. You cannot stay thinking about what you’ve lost. You, at first yes, you have to understand what you’ve lost, but very quickly, you have to think, and agree even intellectually that your future, is going to be different and you have to work through the pain, and unfortunately there’s no easy way of doing that it’s painful, but at the end of it you find a way to grow.

Yeah, I had as you say so many clients, but I believe that they, at the end of it, I would say 99.9% of them have found a way to grow and that’s the success. Yeah. And what you just said there I think um, apart from what you had said about um, it’s normal to feel the pain, but where you said unfortunately it’s painful. It is painful, yeah, undoubtedly. Yeah undoubtedly, painful I mean I had written in the first book if had a magic wand I wish, I see people I mean struggling in such levels of agony, and I have to help them uh. And I think it’s very much about, yes, you are right, you are in that terrible place.

I think that people need to be, compassionate towards themselves and sometimes people say “I can’t believe”, “I can’t emerge from that.” Well I can believe. So you can’t be too, too hard you have to be compassionate.

I remember again Dr Julia Samuel who I heard few months back, she spoke about rituals in the recovery process. And I like that very much. She also called them beautifully, “habits of the soul.” Oh. And I feel it’s lovely too because you have to hold on to something. And she wanted them to start rituals which make, make them feel safe, grounded, and maybe if every morning they start with a walk, instead of staying in bed, unwashed saying “poor me, poor me.” I think it’s quite nice to start with this.

So I absolutely agree with that and rituals are important, we know that in history and they are grounding, and anything which can ground you at the beginning when you feel, you’ve lost control you are in kind of moving suns, is really important those little, stones you can jump to in the middle of the mud, to hold on to, yes because I can do this, and this and if you have a I don’t know, even an invitation to do something, think about it, it’s the next little stone to jump onto. And I really like that very much.

I like that too and there’s something quite empowering about creating your own rituals. Um, you don’t have to stick to that person’s ritual, or that person’s ritual, it’s creating your own ritual. I remember a client saying to me you know the, at the table you know what it’s like in a couple, she said that night she sat in his chair. And that was, it’s nothing, but it was hugely relevant to, of course it was, it meant do you know what, I own this house it’s my space.

Have you seen the different ways that men and women cope with divorce?

Yeah, yeah. What Danielle, what about okay I don’t know what percentage of your clients are, men because I know in my work probably 97% of them are male. Um, so they’re mostly dads who have been um, court ordered to attend or who have been suggested to attend a, a Triple P Parenting Program that I offer, and then I have mums who come in for other reasons. And I just want to, to understand a little bit if in your field you’ve seen, different ways that men will cope as divisive as it might sound, that men will cope in different ways than women tend to cope.

I would say that 50% I’m, I’m an equal you know 50% men and women. Good. Uh, so I find it difficult to answer that because in my view, it’s not men, it’s people. There are people, who struggle, some of my women client will say “well men do this” I said “well actually no, people do this. There are people who have affairs, there are people who will evade, trying to be uh, put in front of the, consequences of their action. It’s nothing to do with men or women.” So to me I feel that much more.

Now in terms of copying mechanisms, in some way women can speak more to friends, although that’s a double-edged sword, you know sometimes well-meaning people, can give the wrong advice. Men, not so much, and I think the reason they work with me is maybe that they feel lonely in this, and they that they need support. But no I, I can’t put it down to, but obviously also you mentioned that you work with people who have young children. For me, most of my clients are a little bit older, and often the children are young adults or even they have left the. So it’s slightly different. I don’t deal with children arrangements and to me I refer, to Parenting Coaches when there are issues like this I don’t deal with them. Yeah.

Can you talk about the double edged sword of talking to friends and family about your divorce?

And I think you touch on something quite important there, which is talking. You said one thing you said it can be a “double-edged sword.” And I know with, with my male friends you know they say the same thing they’re like “oh when we have a problem we just go sit down and we go hey how is everything”, and then that’s it five minutes and it’s done. But then, we’ve come to see the statistics in terms of the biggest killer of men in this country is suicide. Indeed, and um, so there is something to be said about allowing or not even allowing that’s the wrong word, to get men to speak. It’s so normal that you’re hurting.

When I, when I work with the dads in my practice, I’ve seen some of the most amazing fathers, who are just absolutely hands-on and they want to be there for their children but that is kind of taken away from them and they will sit and they will break and they will cry and they can’t understand you know, why this is happening. But they won’t do the same outside with their friends, or you know, they’ll just say “yeah no it’s okay it’s a little bit hard but you know.”

So I, I wish that you know, they could have this space that, where they can just feel. Comfortably, safely, like we do, you know with friends. But I want to talk about the double edged sword bit, because I kind of have a feeling I know what you’re talking about, but tell tell us what you mean.

So first of all you write, and I work with clients like this, whatever parent uses their children as pawns as a frankly, frankly put the child first and there a lot of you, there’s a lot of evidence about that. It is so wrong. Men do it too, women do it. It is wrong, wrong, wrong.

I think in the recovery process and to stop from wobbling, it is very important to spend time with friends. Uh, friends have a huge role to play, not for advice, I still don’t believe that I’m much agree, with you it’s about having a safe space, somewhere where people are not judged, and where people are not going to get the wrong kind of advice. But friends are essential because we are not uh, you know alone in the world. We need to be connected and in fact I would say a way to stop wobbling so much, is to connect. And it’s very, very important to, build up those connections.

The temptation when it happens initially is to stay in our shells and, yes for a short amount of time, but that is important to reconnect, and maybe actually, to have normality or at work as a matter of fact, normality it’s normal to go to the pub with a friend, it’s normal to play sport with a friend. That’s what you need to reconnect and to be reminded, that you are much more than what has just happened, you know that doesn’t define your identity forever more. And sometimes that break, where you are not “oh that poor person who’s been left behind” is really, really important.

And also, with a friend you’re going to laugh. And my goodness I believe in that. Because sometimes you can forget, and having a good laugh is really useful. So not being isolated during the process, but equally friends, yes some friends have different functions, that would be slightly wary about the well-meaning friends. And certainly incredibly wary and in fact avoiding like the plague the social circle and people would say “so what’s happening now?” As if that was, you know, your life is about, entertainment, yes, I mean for goodness. The answer to that I believe in very short sentences. “Yes I’m going through something very difficult” and not comment because really that’s for you.

And people who think they can go speak about you are not friends. So if you know I, I was telling you earlier on like you know when I was going through this book which I read ages ago and I was going through it again. I’ll send you a new copy Soila! Yeah, there’s so much in here like I was saying to you the, this section where you say “you will get better and you will find a new you.”

I know it’s a process, and I’m just remembering when I was going through divorce, you’re, you’re pretty lost, internally, mentally, and you will make mistakes where you will confide in somebody who will just fund the flames of your anger. Um, you will feel alone, you will feel judged, you will feel useless, you will feel like you have failed, you will worry about my future, what am I going to be? What am I going, to who am I? You know all of that, there’s a lot and all that can I remember just feeling lost and when you’re saying just staying in bed, because, what’s the point?

But the point is you need to get up. My first client the door to was in her dressing gown and I said oooh shower, make up, and we start working. To be honest she was my first client my, my list of clients was not long, I could do this. But what you say is absolutely the spirit of my work. Yes, I have to help people through, but having been doing this for, you know 14 years now, what I know with absolute certainty, is that, eventually people emerge.

And um, there is now something we speak about post-traumatic growth. And yes it is a trauma by the way, but that PTG, post-traumatic growth I love that. It’s only because you’ve gone through something very difficult that you work it through, that you grow, to bigger and better, and you know sometimes my client said to me “oh, you know now two years down the line, five years down the line, I’m much happier, you know, I’m with a better partner I’m with,” whatever or decide not to have a partner by the way. But they have this decisions and they are happier, really it is true because we grow out of these mad things that we go through.

For a while we don’t see that of course we don’t, but I always say to client you will eventually, and yes it’s a new you, but I mean I’ve been through divorce too and gosh when I remember what it was like. But I’ve emerged and, and have a much happier life, in every single way.

What does one do with the anger when the relationship ends suddenly?

Yeah, yeah, can we touch on the anger. I think correct me if I’m wrong cause you’re the relationship person. I, imagine that the person who leaves, sometimes they have processed the leaving while in the marriage, it’s kind of “easy” in inverted commas, to leave but the person who’s been left, the anger, not so much even the pain but the anger of how dare you? What did I ever do? I’m just I’m just thinking what does one do with that, when you think that you’re sailing along with your, spouse like really nicely and then suddenly, he or she, or they turn around and they say actually, I need to get out of this.

I’m thinking about a client I was working with yesterday, at the end of November, her husband announced he was leaving uh, no real explanation. Uh, immediately before Christmas so, two weeks later, he wanted to go to mediation. And because she didn’t feel ready, he was saying “you, you’re dragging your feet, you’re this, you’re that, you’re the other.” Well I’m afraid, well before you can do anything, you have to process this woman is winded. And for me the first thing people will think is pain. This and, and confusion, “what is it? Why? Why? Why? In fact, most of them will never know why.

But this um, yesterday morning my client said to me so we’re looking at now January, and she said to me “I’m so angry.” And I said good, good, because she has moved from the pain where she feels it’s her fault when she doesn’t know what to do to saying, “how dare he.” And already, she had put in place things where she was saying no. And I was pleased to see that because that means that on some level, not a lot, first of all she had lost control before and also for me I work at trying to make a, client see or to get some form of control.

And when they start being angry, they are more able to do this. I mean, you know and again, she might be angry, and then the next day she’s so low, that’s normal. But, eventually there is a pattern, and she emerges from this. So when I hear that they’re angry, I’m quite happy actually, again as long as they don’t stay there.

Yeah, they don’t stay there and they don’t become destructive. No, that’s it. Yeah, yeah, and I like what you just said, about the you know, one minute you’re feeling like this, the next minute you’re like this, because it’s not a linear process. Oh no. The recovery, it can be you take two steps, and you go back, and you, will so no wonder you’re calling it wobbling, you know because you wobble, wobble, until you’re able to then eventually, you know steady yourself and yeah, yeah. And it’s again completely normal, but the trend is up even if it’s two forward, two steps forward one back, the trend is up, and the moments of wobbling, will be less frequent and less deep as well, as time goes on.

How do you approach a new client who is feeling really low?

So have to hold down there, it’s like you know by the fingernail, hold on there. You can’t bear. Let’s imagine um, just before we finish Danielle, let’s imagine I am a man, my wife has just said to me, or my husband has just said to me, I don’t want to be here anymore, I have met somebody, and um, all that is breaking out and I’m feeling really, really, really, really, awful, and I come to see you and I’m like Danielle I found your contacts online, on The Divorce Magazine, could you please tell me what, how, I need your help. Where do you start and what would that work look like?

So I get very few, of these kind of clients because my clients are normally referred by lawyers, and they are not coping. So um, what so that’s one bit, they’re not coping somebody just been told I’m going. Uh, the, I help people make decision. Now a person who’s feeling guilty because they have said, it’s the end of the marriage, it’s rare but actually, it’s really good if a partner can say, “I’m really sorry, but this is the end and I’ve met somebody.” I wish, I wish people would all do that.

Instead, most people, at least the people I work with, have been at the receiving hand of somebody, who is not telling them the truth, who has been planning for a year or two to uh, leave, who is blaming them for that, “it’s your fault you did that, you didn’t do that”, trying to feed the narrative.

And that or even give no explanation, that first client I mentioned in her dressing gown, she came back from work one night to find a removal van on the driveway and he went. And she never got any explanation. Now that is hard. Whereas an explanation like that, it’s hard of course, but at least it’s honest, because otherwise you feel you’ve been lied to and there’s nothing worse. You deserve the respect of an explanation, and if you don’t get that, no wonder it’s hard. And it will take longer to recover, because how the relationship ends, has an impact, no question about that. Yeah.

There’s yeah, there’s, there’s a part where in your book where you say, right at the beginning getting divorced where you say “only initiate proceedings if it is what you really want to do.” Yes, they are, a lot of people who say “right so this is the end, so there’s no need to speak to a lawyer by the way, let’s just agree” and you know, and you are bulldozed into a process which is completely out of your control.

So at first no, take your time to think what do I want often it’s because the, actually the person who say they want it to be done very quickly, I’ve met somebody else, I’m afraid you don’t jump to their tune you need to be ready, but eventually you will see, you will understand, that you can’t make anybody love you. You know that doesn’t exist, you sooner stop the tide, frankly.

So eventually you’re thinking no that’s it, and then if you decide that’s it and I’m starting the divorce, that is a heck of a big control that you’ve taken back. But only do it when you’re ready and I had a client who had to wait you know 6 months or, or more, before they felt capable of that. Well fine, you know fine. We I, think it has to be when you’re ready. Yeah, it, it, is like we said right at the beginning going full circle, it is a loss. When somebody comes and announces to you that somebody very close to you has died, you need time to process, you need, you, you’ll sit there going I don’t understand, I don’t understand, I spoke with them yesterday, how can they be dead? You know, the same thing with, with marriage I’m ending it, but what do you mean you’re ending it, what, what I’m you know.

Exactly, and you’re right to make that comparison because I, I make that comparison with clients. The, the difficulty with divorce, is that as opposed to death, your partner is alive. Not only that, but your partner might be with somebody else. My goodness, you know the one who is going to get the, the casserole and the sympathy is the widow or the widower, not the person who’s been left behind. And it is so hard to cope, with the idea that somebody has gone with somebody else, and yeah it is incredibly hard.

I really compare it with the feeling of death, loss that way, but almost worse at the beginning because on top of this you had humiliation, being lied, to all sorts of things. But in, I think in the long run you, possibly recover quicker nevertheless. There’s something there.

Danielle thank you so much, it’s a conversation that we can keep going where I’m thinking maybe, we need to at some point talk about, just focus on the shame, yeah, um, of a failed relationship, you know, um.

That is huge, yeah. Um, so I think and then also the, the maybe on the other side of it, where it’s the guilt I don’t know if, if people who live relationships go to see divorce coaches because they feel so guilty for what they have done. I don’t know, I can’t, so because. My work is really to make people look at the reality and they might not like this. But guilt, guilt, even if you both agree the marriage comes to an end, you’re guilty, you feel guilty so it’s, you have children, you have, we spoken about that before, so guilt is a very, valid emotion.

And of course, even if you have been left, you feel guilty, that so what was wrong with me? What did I not do? What did I not? Say, well probably nothing. It’s just you know but, and that, on that you mention the death of a loved one is the same you feel guilty, you know did I do enough? I didn’t say that, all sorts of things guilt, and shame, are usually and if you manage to work through those emotions, you definitely uh, you know emerge quicker.

What tips would you give to someone going through a divorce to steady themselves?

If you were to give us some tips to steady yourself, what, during you know from, when you wobble during divorce what would you say? I’m looking at my list, not remating, so maybe the not to do is that, did I put other negatives, not looking at everything in terms of loss.

But if I want to be positive, I would say regaining control sometimes is very small like sitting in his chair, compassion for self, I mean there’s something you can’t, laughing, moving, taking exercise, journaling. Journaling is seen as, you even if you write two sentences at the end of the day, it’s very important to just it’s a way of saying something without it having consequences. Yeah. Eyes firmly on the end goal. I’m going through this but I know I will emerge, and I will emerge in a better place.

I think it’s also important not to be, some clients will do plenty of things they instead of doing the thing they do, huge amounts of activity, sometimes you need calm. Because it’s in, space a calm space, that thinking can happen uh, what else could I say uh, friends are very important, grieving for the future instead of seeing it as loss. I’ve, I’ve lost my past, I’ve lost my future, yes I need to grieve for that and accepting that it’s huge, and then keeping hope, I know I will emerge even if I can’t really see how. I know that and I will learn from it. If you manage to keep that perspective, and it it’s like flexing a muscle, it gets easier. At first it’s hard but it gets easier, and frankly I can say in all honesty, that at the end, all my clients except one or two but it’s not a lot of number, emerge stronger and better. It is the truth. It is, it is.

Thank you so much Danielle as always. You know your articles that we have um, with your book, if anybody I mean there’s a second edition. So if you can get this, especially honestly, especially if you’re, at the beginning or right middle part of the divorce and you’re struggling with this, you know um, from breakup to recovery uh, first things first, finding some relief, there’s so much in here. And it’s a tiny book so if you’re carrying it you know, it’s not big bulky, it’s straight to the point I think um. Thank you, yeah, if you can, that was actually why I wrote it uh, the solicitor with referring client say, tell us what you say to your client. So that was that. It’s not about me you know some people write about them of no interest just trying to get people at the beginning or early in the process, yeah, and maybe in the middle as well yeah. That was why. Why don’t you tell people how they can contact you? Oh thank you very much, so my name is, complicated but my email is danielle@danielleb.co.uk, that’s it, I don’t know if you can see my name on that, yeah, I mean we’ll have it, we’ll have it on the, yeah, good perfect, and it is on my website, it is on Amazon, but really it was just written, it was not meant to change the world, simply to give support like I do to my clients.

Yeah and, and, um, we’ll have it at the bottom of the link anyway, so people will know how to find you. Thank you so much, I’ll be in contact with all the other bits that we need to cover, an absolute pleasure too, thank you, definitely, bye, bye, bye!

[Music]

Read more articles by Danielle Barbereau.

About Danielle Barbereau

Danielle Barbereau is a leading professional coach specialising in Divorce since 2010. Her unique skill set compliments and adds value to the work of family solicitors by addressing ‘a significant gap in their service’. She supports clients through what is a difficult and painful process (enabling them to give clearer instructions and make better decisions), freeing the lawyer to concentrate on the legal aspects of divorce.

Danielle is the author of After the Split: The Definitive Guide to Recovery When Relationships Break Down which is available on Kindle, Amazon and on Danielle’s website: www.danielleb.co.uk.

How not to ‘hard launch’ your divorce
Photo by camilo jimenez on Unsplash
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How Not to ‘Hard Launch’ Your Divorce

Sarah Bunn
Sarah Bunn
Associate
Burgess Mee Family Law

In this digital age there is often a temptation to take to social media to record a landmark life event. Coupled with this, for many, there is also the desire to use social media to put the wrongs of the world to right – whether that is in relation to world politics or our personal lives.

In the context of divorce proceedings, from which financial and children proceedings can also follow, a solicitor’s headline advice is likely to be to avoid sharing information about one’s divorce on social media, or at least to err on the side of caution. We all remember Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s ‘conscious uncoupling’ campaign. However, without a PR team behind you, any possible benefits seem to pale in comparison to the possible pitfalls.

Social media may appear to provide useful guidance and tips about navigating the divorce process but often this “advice” or anecdotal evidence is incorrect and could even be harmful. All families are different, and it follows that all divorce experience is different.

As a starting point, parties involved in family court proceedings are expected to uphold confidentiality. This means not sharing details about the case to third parties (unless in specific circumstances, such as when speaking to a legal representative or experts in a case). It also means that a party must not share documents relating to their case with third parties, including their entire social media network. In the context of divorce proceedings, which is largely an online process where spouses can usually avoid ever stepping into a court room, this can easily be forgotten. In financial and children proceedings, whilst attendance at court is more likely, reminders are often necessary.

Divorce, Confidentiality & Social Media

A breach of confidentiality in relation to family proceedings can have a negative impact on one’s case. Judges will be far from impressed and may say so, and in more extreme cases, the individual who is in breach of confidentiality can face fines and/or even a term of imprisonment.

It is important to be aware that even if one maintains confidentiality about the proceedings themselves, derogatory posts on social media about your spouse/child’s other parent can be used as evidence in a case. For example, social media posts about what a terrible person your (soon-to-be former) spouse/partner is or criticism of their parenting styles are often screenshotted and exhibited to narrative statements in order to evidence the conduct and entrenched views of one party about another.  More often than not, this will negatively impact a judge’s perception of the person posting such information, as opposed to the ‘postee’.

It is important to remember that judges are human and that they have a fairly wide discretion within the law. If they take against a particular party, this could impact the final decision which may be unappealable so keep them onside if you can.

Family, Social Media & Divorce

During family proceedings, it is often advisable to avoid social media altogether as what may be construed as positive posts can be used in a negative context, for example, during children proceedings where a party posts a photo of their new partner having a fun day out with children. If the other parent did not know that the children had been spending time with a new partner, such photos may be used as an example of a lack of positive co-parenting and joint decision-making.

Divorce, Finances & Social Media

In financial proceedings, constant updates about new relationships and time spent at each other’s home can be used as evidence of one of the parties’ cohabitation, or intention to cohabit with their new partner or even that claims of financial straits are untrue; “Just look at that 5-star hotel/business class flight/new handbag!”. This may impact financial provision made upon divorce. Even screenshots of CVs and comments found on a spouse’s professional profile can be used as evidence in relation to income and earning capacity.

As an aside, divorcing spouses should also be made aware, at the start of a case, about the move towards transparency in the family court. This development brings in a presumption that approved media and legal bloggers may attend most hearings in the family court and that they may report what they see, hear, and read, although usually the reporting will be anonymised first. This change in the ‘private’ nature of proceedings may result in an inevitable loss of control by parties to keep the details of their case private and shielded from mainstream media, even if they uphold their side of the confidentiality bargain.

Whilst media outlets will not construe every case as a matter of public interest, and there are limits to what can be reported, if you have concerns about this, it is important to have a discussion with your solicitor about whether the media may be interested in your case, and what steps you can take to keep details of your case private.

Some helpful guides about confidentiality in family court proceedings can be found on the government website:

Read more articles from Burgess Mee.

About Sarah Bunn

Sarah Bunn is an Associate at Burgess Mee. She specialises in complex financial remedy and private children law cases. She also advises clients in relation to nuptial agreements and cohabitation disputes.

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