My X husband waited until after we were married to try and convince me he didn’t want to have children. I reluctantly agreed to his decision. Then I heard he had a child with another woman and we are divorcing. I am devastated. I know I want a family and only agreed to please him. How can I ever get over this anger?
Betrayal is bitter. There is no way round this situation. However, you can deal with it and move on.
You will find yourself going through the stages of grief and your goal is to reach a personal place of acceptance.
To begin have a good look at your marriage and relationship. In reality, if you look closely at your marriage, there were probably more reasons than the disagreement over having children that were stumbling blocks.
Betrayal is not usually a one off incident in a relationship. There are threads of discontent that weave throughout.
Your relationship might have had other flaws and it would be helpful to look closely at what else might have been missing. Frame it with the ‘what if we had a family, would I have felt complete with him?’ Or ‘What if he had kept this other family secret?’ Here at trusted friend or counselor can help you sift through those elements of your relationship.
Letting go of any anger is essential at this stage. You cannot change what has happened. You do not want to drag that anger into a new relationship. So spend some time working on yourself.
Do the things that make you feel good and if at all possible avoid any destructive behaviour. Frustration is a powerful emotion and it needs to be tamed. You have no control over what he has done. The very positive aspect of control is that neither does he have control over your choices in your new life.
Your divorce gives you the opportunity to start fresh. It has given you much more clarity in what you want in a partner. However, word of caution, make sure you don’t spend that important getting to know you time with someone new focused on the betrayal of your marriage. Make sure that is truly dealt with in your own mind before you begin anything new.
You have much to offer a person in a new relationship. To the right person, someone who is clear in their desire to have a family, as you are, will be an attractive character feature. You will ensure that any conversation about having children happens before the relationship gets serious.
Your marriage was a learning experience- as difficult as it was to live through. It taught you what you do not want to happen in any future relationship. Now you have control over your path forward.
Your X husband has moved on in his life and made his own choices and so must you. You have learned much from this experience. Use those lessons to create the future you want it to be.
Whatever it is that you need help, advice or support with contact Linda at firstname.lastname@example.org. We will never print your name nor email, nor add you to any mailing list.
ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON
I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl
Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.
As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.
She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.
She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’
In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.
She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.
She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.