Moving On After Divorce | The Divorce Magazine

Moving On

Dealing with Outsiders during Divorce

Published on September 30, 2015November 11, 2018

Women and Divorce — Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce would be much easier if it were just between the couple and their solicitors or mediator.

“Helpful” people sometimes want to be in the midst of things and stir the pot. This would be similar to football teams such as Arsenal’s or Manchester United’s players taking instruction from the spectators during matches, instead of from their coaches.

Shakespeare said “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players” and a controlling friend is the director of your divorce drama.

People going through divorce are more vulnerable and needy, so it can be easier to go with the flow, allowing a friend to tell them what to do. Relying too heavily on another’s advice can backfire, since they are not privy to all of the financial and personal details. If that friend has a grievance against the other spouse, then suggestions can be destructive.

This situation is especially challenging when it is your spouse who is on the receiving end of unsolicited advice and it is interfering with your divorce. How you proceed depends upon several factors, such as how the relationship is with your partner. Is it amicable or contentious?

Could you go somewhere low key, such as a coffee house and express your concern? If so, keep a businesslike demeanor and use “I” statements, starting out with something positive. “I think it’s great that we both have friends to help us get through this, but I wonder if Maisy isn’t becoming a little too involved in our personal situation.”

Perhaps agree on what stays private and what can be shared. Are there any mutual friends who can intervene? Maybe they also have a similar opinion of this friend and would be agreeable to discussing this with your spouse. Avoid a direct confrontation with the influential friend.

Speak to your solicitor, especially in collaborative divorce where both work together to move the couple through the divorce process.

Privately share this concern with the mediator about your spouse’s toxic friend who is pitting her against you. If this person seems to be on a smear campaign against you, this may be slander, which is making false accusations. This is a legal matter which may need to be addressed by your solicitor. If the spouse will not say anything to the friend, the legal professional might do so, so that the divorce is not sabotaged.

Consider seeing a divorce coach who can help you form strategies on how to deal with this situation. It is important to exercise which decreases anxiety and to eat nutritious foods, Get out with pals and vent. Have some fun to keep yourself from dwelling upon this. Reduce your stress, whether by meditation, massages or whatever does the trick for you. When you are in optimal condition, it is easier to deal with these specific stressors.

Maybe you are the one who is leaning too heavily on someone else who may not have your best interest at heart. They may present as an expert or insist that you follow their advice.

If you find yourself in the position of not being able to make a move without their input, then it is time to put some distance between you.

If your friend seems fixated upon your divorce, say you want to talk about other topics. Spend more time with others, including family members. Take a mini-holiday and go somewhere to think about your situation, by yourself. Or go with a group of friends for laughs and a long weekend away.

For either situation, consider enrolling in a divorce workshop, support group, or class. You will not feel so alone when interacting with others who are in a divorce situation too. Someone else in the divorce support group may be facing similar problems and you two can compare notes and come up with a solution.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Moving On

Coping with Change

Published on August 28, 2015September 10, 2015

Every change, big or small, has some impact. Arm yourself with this eight-point guide.

No matter how safe, secure, predictable and stable your life is, you will still have to cope with change at points along the way. Change is a normal and essential part of life, yet, ironically, when we’re in the middle of it, it feels anything but normal.

Changes can be enormous – a marriage, new home, baby, new job, divorce, bereavement.

Everyone knows that these levels of change can be very stressful and difficult to cope with. But small changes can have a big impact too, though they are often underestimated. Things like a new routine in your day, losing or gaining weight, cutting your hair short, changing a room around, not seeing a familiar face any more, can affect you for some time.

It doesn’t make any difference whether you’ve chosen the change or not, it will still have an impact on you. Imagine deciding on something as small as sleeping without a pillow.

At first it would feel odd, you wouldn’t be able to get to sleep, you’d wake up in the night with a sense of loss, and wonder whether you’d ever get used to it. It might be a couple of months before sleeping without a pillow felt normal to you. And that’s the real point: change can’t be rushed. It’s about the transition from one set of circumstances to another, and that takes time.

Some people love change and make changes in their lives often. Too often, though, and there’s a danger of becoming bored too easily and getting hooked on the new. Others dread change and agonise through it. But most of us are somewhere in the middle, enjoying a certain amount of change, but not too much.

The trouble with change is that it has a cluster effect. One change often seems to be followed by several more, and it can feel as though your whole world is changing. So here’s my guide to coping with change as easily as possible:

1) Expect a reaction –  People often say: ‘I don’t know why it’s affected me so much’, and criticise themselves for crying, laughing, or feeling moody. All these, and every other emotion, are normal in the face of change – any change.

2) Let yourself grieve  – Change, no matter how good it is, means loss. When something in your life changes you lose the old way of being or the old set of circumstances. And loss means grief and nostalgia.

3) Go with the flow  – Resist and be rigid in the face of change and it will be a lot more painful. The secret is to be flexible and you can ride it out more easily. Think of yourself like a boat in a storm. Turn against the waves and they’ll crush you, go with them and they’ll carry you home.

4) Hang onto the familiar  – If the change is big then keep up many familiar things as you can – and remind yourself of how much in your life isn’t changing. Stick to your usual routines, see people you normally see, and reassure yourself that not everything has to change just because some things have.

5) Get support  – Don’t try to cope alone or keep your feelings to yourself. Talk about it, have a hug, a laugh, a cup of tea and a bit of reassurance. Being brave doesn’t always mean managing alone, it may mean finding the courage to ask for help.

6) Divide it up –  When possible, divide bigger changes into smaller steps. For instance, a house move, a wedding or a divorce involves several stages. When you feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the change, concentrate on the step you’ve reached, rather than the bigger picture.

7) Find the good in it  – Some changes feel awful – death, illness, financial loss and many others can feel like the end of the world. Sometimes you have to look very hard to find the blessing in such changes, but there always is one. It’s through change that we grow wiser and stronger and learn to make better decisions.

8) Know that it will end  – All change comes to an end when the new circumstances are in place and become familiar to you. Every change, no matter how big, will end and you’ll return to a feeling of normality. Keep this in mind when you feel as though you’re in the middle of a bumpy ride.

If you have found the above helpful and are interested in receiving my ‘7 Tips for How To Deal With Change’ please email me at info@catseyecoaching.com.

Moving On

Dating After Divorce – Why do Opposites Attract?

Published on August 17, 2015November 11, 2018

Sometimes dating one’s opposite adds spice to a relationship or in other cases, tears it apart.

The trick is knowing when someone is quirky vs. not the right match at all.

Lust or the heady feeling of being in love can blind some to potential problem spots. Having one’s head in the sand like an ostrich does not make problems go away, but rather delays dealing with them.

Whether it is being of different religions, ideology or life philosophies, issues need to be addressed before rushing to the alter.

An example of opposites working out differences and being happily married for fifty years is Violet and Terrence.

She is city girl who loathes camping out, doing long treks, or white water rafting. Her outdoorsy husband releases his inner mountain man by long hikes and sleeping rough in the wild. They cherish each other and learned to compromise. They bought a luxurious camper van with all mod cons including a cosy kitchen.

This couple takes short hikes together and she happily reads while Terrence does the arduous ones solo. I have joined his camping trips staying in tents for white water rafting adventures. Violet keeps busy with extended family while Terrance is away on these short jaunts. They both taught me to cross country ski. Violet is happy for the gentle nudge to enjoy being out in nature.

There are some fundamental issues that sometimes cannot be resolved.

A former co-worker of mine is an in-your-face vegetarian who had married a carnivore. She ended up getting a divorce and it had not helped their relationship by having hunters on his family tree.

Sometimes opposite temperaments and interests are the death knoll for relationships.

My former fiancé was an introvert and I am an extrovert. I love to dance and he would rather stick a pin in his hand than get up on the dance floor. His idea of a perfect evening was staying in and mine was socializing. Although this is not what broke us up, I realized that our opposite preferences would not have worked out well in the long run.

No one is going to tick all of the boxes on our wish list. However, being in alignment with ethics, values, interests helps.

If you sense that your dating partner may not want to be a vagabond and you are not a homebody, then a frank discussion is in order.

Pre-marital counselling is highly recommended for the second time around to ensure you understand each other’s positions. In the earlier phase of dating, if there is a sticky issue it can be helpful to discuss it with a neutral third party, whether a family friend, clergy or life coach.

If the issue is a deal breaker for each of you, it is better to discover that before putting in more time or energy into the relationship. Talking with friends can help give insight to your dating situation.

If something does not feel right when dating, then step back and analyse what is trying to grab your attention.

Still your mind through meditation, a walk through the woods or whatever grounds you. Maybe take a break and go away for a short holiday to think things over.

People in long-term marriages tend to have a sense of humour, compromise and respect the person even if they have an opposite viewpoint. Dating a person who is your opposite can expose you to exciting new adventures, however it is crucial to maintain good communication.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Moving On

Feeling Stuck in Divorce

Published on August 11, 2015November 11, 2018

We can go cruising through divorce and all of a sudden hit a speed bump and become stuck.

This can come as a surprise when everything seemed to be going quite well.

We do not move at an even pace on the continuum of the divorce process, so may be lingering in one part of it a bit longer. One may not realize that they are stuck and not moving on until receiving feedback from others.

A clue is when people start to avoid you, change the subject quickly or get a glazed look in their eyes.

Children are more blunt when a parent is stuck, stating “Dad, can’t you talk about something else?” or “Mummy why do you keep harping on your maintenance?”

If particularly having only one topic of conversation (a former spouse for example), then that can be a symptom of being stuck.

When stuck, get some sound advice from people who are experts in the area of your specific problem. If stuck in the division of assets – get your own financial advisor to guide you in what is best for your needs.

If you both are at loggerheads over the amount of shared care time split between you, consider bringing a custody evaluator on board. Our custody evaluator did a battery of personality tests for all four of us and interviewed us separately. My spouse and I signed a binding agreement that we would abide by her decision regarding custody. This also took the pressure off our collaborative solicitors in this contentious divorce.

moving on after divorce — Feeling Stuck in Divorce

Our marital house had to be renovated before it could be sold during our divorce. The problem was that my sons and I were still living there, because the financial institution that I had used for two decades, turned me down for a mortgage and I could not move house.

Realizing that I was stuck in a bad situation which was delaying our divorce, I sought out advice from the real estate agent.

He then sent me to a friend who dealt with finding a mortgage company for home buyers. The glitch was that mortgage companies did not want to take a perceived risk when they did not know what my alimony would be post-divorce.

Our divorce financial advisor worked with him and finally a mortgage company agreed to a loan. I sought assistance from the right person (realtor). While the life coach was invaluable for coming up with strategies to reduce my stress, she was not the person to loan me money or get me a house. Pick who is best to help you for each situation. Some people visualize the solution and work backwards to achieve it.

Some folks get stuck in grief for ending their partnership and former way of life. Being single was not on their agenda and the loneliness is overwhelming to them.

They may become clinically depressed and that hinders them from reaching out to others. Therapy or grief counselling can be a way to crawl out of this black hole and start to enjoy life again.

Others are stuck in old patterns which may have included entertaining as a duo and socializing with other couples.

A divorce coach can help break these patterns and form new ones, such as how to expand one’s social network.

Being stuck is a temporary state, not a permanent address.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Moving On

Leave Guilt Behind in Divorce

Published on August 6, 2015November 11, 2018

We may live in guilt for what we did or did not do while still married.

We might think we could have tried harder to salvage the marriage or feel guilt over not putting it out of its misery earlier.

Let the feeling of guilt be a wakeup call that something needs to be changed and use it as an indicator to embark on another course of action. One cannot go back into the past like Dr Who, so being stuck in guilt is a blockade to having a fulfilling life now.

One young man is an example of this and feels guilty that he did not try harder and undergo marital counselling before calling it quits.

Guilt is holding him back from committing to his new partner.

On a positive note, guilt is pushing him into having a strong relationship with his former spouse as a co-parent. His two children are reaping the benefits of having two parents on the same team.

Sometimes guilt is dumped upon someone although it is their choice whether or not to accept it. Several women said their husbands married them mainly for their looks. After a baby or two, they gained weight and a few wrinkles. At first they felt guilty when spouses insinuated that they were breaking a deal (to look good). After their divorces, they are comfortable with their bodies and increased their self-esteem.

During my hypnotherapy training, our New Age instructor said that the Catholics got it right regarding guilt. They make mistakes (sins), report them (confess) and do reparations (say a Hail Mary or two). They wipe the slate clean and go on their way.

He challenged us to come up with our own rituals to banish guilt.

First acknowledge its presence and determine what it is telling us. Perhaps we are chronically snapping at the kids or have been ignoring elderly family members. Make amends. Apologize to the youngsters and explain that you are feeling overwhelmed. Then add some fun activities into your schedule with them. Visit or at least call relatives who may be feeling left out of your busy life.

Whatever is troubling you, face it, deal with it and move on.

The secret is not to wallow in guilt but view it as a messenger to approach life or people in a different way. Someone may be punishing themselves over guilt when other people did not feel that they were mistreated at all. We can be hard on ourselves and our worst enemy.

One friend felt guilty that she did not spend more time with her mother before her death from breast cancer. She was caught up in her wedding plans which her mother understood, and was fine with the situation. My friend was able to let go of this guilt by becoming a mostly stay-at-home mum, cherishing family togetherness.

If you have chronic guilt, consider discussing this with someone. When I am on a guilt trip, my friends set me straight and I readjust my outlook. Guilt keeps one partly living in the past, so apologize, make extra donations to charity, anything to release guilt and move on.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Moving On

Men Dealing with Divorce

Published on June 15, 2015November 11, 2018

Several men stated that post-divorce is the opportunity for change and be can be the catalyst for trying something new.

They said when their divorced friends clung to the past they did not fare as well in the post-divorce period. The past cannot be altered, but knowledge gained can be invaluable for moving on.

Terry was adamant that men have to do work on themselves after a bad break up before getting into a new relationship.

His buddies that got divorce number two did not pause to reflect upon their part which ended the marriage and what could be done differently the next time around.

He advises men not to rush into a new partnership too quickly and make sure they understand how to communicate more effectively. He had a session with a therapist and has been blissfully wedded to his second wife for fifteen years.

One man feels that he got a divorce too quickly and could have worked out differences with his wife.

He tells other men not to be in a rush for a divorce when hitting a bad patch during marriage. They did not have marital counselling which may have gotten their relationship back on track. He has a job which involves frequent travel and he misses his two young daughters.

He jumped into a new relationship right away and has doubts about being with this new girlfriend. This “what if” situation is keeping him in a holding pattern and he is not moving on. Be clear that a relationship is truly over before getting into another one.

Some men commented that some of their divorced peers were living on junk food. Dr Kawachi of the Harvard School of Public Health’s study of 30,000 men indicated this result.

Men Dealing with Divorce: Research shows a decrease in a healthy lifestyle.

Recently divorced men tended to have a decrease in a healthy lifestyle, partly due to eating less vegetables and consuming more fried food. Although this is changing, in many households, women were the main chefs during marriage. In the States, there is a trend for single men to take some basic cooking classes which then negates this issue of divorce.

The New England Research Institute’s research indicates that 62% of men relied on their wives as their principle social support. Studies by various universities correlate having friends and a good social network positively impacts the immune system in reducing the frequency of colds and the flu.

Others show the healthy effect of a wide social circle on longevity. For example, a study done at Flinders’ University in Australia found that 22% of 1500 older subjects who had many friends, outlived those who only had a few. Men that get out and meet new people or strengthen the bond already made with others, tend to have an easier time post-divorce, than their less connected peers.

Men that have routines felt that they had more control in their lives or knew what to expect in the turbulent divorce period. Some have specific routines with their children, such as a Saturday morning breakfast out or Sunday afternoon engaging in physical activities or sports. Some take the kids or go solo to their parents’ place for a weekly get-together. Others set up weekly meets at the pub with mates for darts. Building weekly fun or interactions into the schedule got some guys through the craziness of divorce.

Consider watching the hilarious film “The Odd Couple” with Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau. These two fellows navigate the post-divorce period with a lot of laughs and some mistakes. Great fun.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Moving On

How to Start Dating after Divorce and Infidelity

Published on May 19, 2015December 11, 2017

Wondering how to start dating after divorce and infidelity?

If you were cheated on and find yourself single again then how do you begin to trust and date again?

Infidelity survivors didn’t just divorce because they fell out of love or realized there were too many differences to continue with their marriage.

Infidelity survivors were betrayed and had their world turn upside down by a cheating spouse. Below you will see the KITTIE method to help you rejoin the dating pool after being cheated on:

Know other infidelity survivors found trust and love again. So there is light at the end of the tunnel or a rainbow after the storm. There are plenty of forums like www.women-scorned.co.uk/ that provide support and hope.

Investigate your new partner if that will help put your mind at ease. There are various websites that you can check to see if your potential date or current SO is a cheater.

Talk to your new partner about what you are feeling and why. It’s important that you communicate and are on the same page.

Together you both should create boundaries and rules. You may both agree to have access to each other’s emails or phones.

Innocent until proven guilty. Your new SO isn’t a reincarnation of your old one who cheated on you.

Explore options to find someone who is faithful and you can relate to. Someone who was previously cheated on may be a good companion because they are less likely to cheat because they know how much it hurts.

We hope the KITTIE method of rejoining the dating pool after being cheated on helps you find a faithful loving partner.

Gary Spivak is the Founder of FidelityDating, dating site for infidelity survivors

Family Mediation/Moving On

How to End a Marriage?

Published on April 7, 2015April 7, 2015

Joan bishop has been a family mediator for the past 15 years.

She herself is from a fractured family, a process she still recalls vividly to this day, when she had to give evidence at her parents divorce at the age of 13 years. Thankfully children of divorce don’t need to be involved in this way anymore during the divorce process.

Previously Joan worked with in the field of adoption and fostering where she picked up a lot of the skills and techniques she uses today in family mediation specifically, the importance of a positive ending and new beginnings.

Joan holds an MSc in Mediation and Conflict Resolution from the Institute of Family Therapy, University of London.

The interviews below are so important for those in the midst of divorce or those wondering how to end a marriage as amicably as possible.

Joan talks about how to establish a new way of communicating from here on, especially where there are children of divorce concerned and parents are trying to create parenting plans that will work for them and their children. She encourages couples to keep in mind that whatever happened is now in the past. Moving on to a better life after divorce and creating a positive and conducive environment for children of divorce will indeed help in reducing any negative and long term effects of divorce of children. One of the things that needs to be done to move on to new beginnings is we need to acknowledge the pain and difficulty that each person is feeling.

Coping with divorce or coping and dealing with divorce is made more manageable a process when people understand certain things about how they came to be where they are, that everyone holds their own version of the truth and that the pain experienced by the leaver and the left are indeed quite different.

Joan’s process of how to end a marriage is strutured and was created on Future Focused therapy and narrative mediation

During the mediation process, Joan provides the couples space to talk about things they really know about, which is about their relationship, they become settled and able to talk about things they feel they need to and this then decreases their anxiety.

Joan is head of mediation at www.familypartnermediation.com – 07765 886 552 – info@familypartnermediation.co.uk

Moving On

Thinking of Getting Back with Your Ex

Published on April 7, 2015November 11, 2018

It is so easy nowadays to reconnect with a long ago love.

There are various online sites from social media to searching for classmates, which facilitate getting in touch again. What starts out as curiosity regarding the one who got away can end up as an affair that rips families apart.

It may be innocence or nativity that views exchanging a few updates as no big deal.

If rekindling a relationship with a former flame cannot be discussed with a spouse, then it falls into the danger zone. In the majority of these cases, at least one spouse is married.

When the old sweethearts meet up again, it has been described as being like a vacation in Disneyland.

There are no mundane tasks or bills, just fun activities. The reunion may have already budgeted expenses, so the day to day juggling of finances is not present.

This situation is similar to episodes of bachelor/bachelorette television shows filmed in an exotic locale. The people stay in a five star hotel, with great meals and amenities. There are exciting diversions without the stresses of daily life.

When getting back with your ex, this new relationship is built upon the quicksand of fantasy without a firm foundation. No wonder these relationships have a higher rate of divorce or not making it to the alter.

This true story echoes so many of the other ones that were shared with me.

Jerry’s wife decided to go online and discover whatever happened to her college boyfriend.

He was single and just seeing his photo brought back happy memories. They decided to get together for a weekend. Soon after this initial meeting, Carol decided on a divorce and left Jerry. Carol and this college flame got married, but this relationship did not work out, so she got divorced again.

Getting back with an ex, having a whirlwind courtship all while getting a divorce, did not give a realistic picture for this new relationship. It is not just about picking up where both parties left off over a decade ago.

People searching for old flames do so for different reasons, such as being bored in their marriages. They may want to relive their youth or now have that middle age itch.

There may be something lacking in their lives now, so they feel if they had married their former fling, they would have been fulfilled. They are not taking responsibility for a void and think a past love could fill it. They want excitement, or say they are hooking up just as friends.

If you are married – do not look up former boy/girlfriends. If you are single and do –please respect the other person’s marital status by not contacting them if they are married.

If you both are unattached, then consider giving this a go. The relationships that seem to be most successful are the ones that broke up due to parents’ interference or because they were too young. There have been reunions which led to successful marriages, but both were single and did not leave marriages to reunite. If one’s marriage is unhappy, go for counselling to fix it or end it, before pursuing a former partner.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Coping with Divorce/Moving On

Adopted, Divorced and the Fear of Abandonment

Published on March 24, 2015December 27, 2016

I have abandonment issues.

My birth mother had to give me up when I was five years old. Though I landed in a wonderful adoptive family, my adoptee status was never discussed.

The time: right after WWII, and closed adoptions were the rule.

My college professor Dad and my schoolteacher Mom decided that it was best not to talk about the circumstances of my first few years. I had memories enough to know that the foster care situation in which they found me was grim. You might say that I was born again, but I paid a price. I grew up feeling that I had to be perfect or that I would be sent back.

Never mind reality; I imagined that I had to pretend to be the “real” daughter. Outwardly, I was an exemplary daughter, but inwardly, I feared being abandoned.

Fast forward to adulthood. The feelings returned after my husband of 15 years and I went our separate ways. Even though it has been over three decades since my divorce, I still feel the sting of splitting up.

Am I over the divorce? In most ways, yes. Does it still hurt? Definitely.

When I feel happy and successful, my abandonment fears are in remission. However, at other times, I feel that life has served me a double whammy. Twice trusting, twice abandoned.

For the past few years, I’ve focused on adoption recovery.

For the most part, I enjoy a sense of progress in my adoptee’s journey toward wholeness. Some days, however, I feel like Sysiphys, the character in Greek mythology who pushes a massive boulder uphill, reaching the top by sundown but the very next morning starting again at the bottom and pushing uphill all over again.

As I talk with friends about challenges they are facing, I realize that I am not alone. One does not have to be a divorcee or “recovering adoptee” to find life full of problems to be overcome and conundrums that seem to have no end.

And while I am blessed to have wonderful and compassionate friends who are never too busy to listen, the best solution I’ve found is to be my own best friend.

Having said that, I offer five ways to nurture and appreciate yourself:

Let the past be the past. Do not hold grudges against yourself.

Remember, when troubles seem to be ganging up against you, that “Mama said there’d be days like this.”

Be true to YOU. As far as your self-definition is concerned, be an island. Quit comparing yourself unfavorably to others. Jealously isn’t called the “green-eyed monster” for nothing.

Work on fine-tuning your sense of humor. Learn to laugh at yourself.

Remember that YOU are not your thoughts.

Combined, adoption and divorce are potentially lethal.

In fighting the abandonment trap, I’ve decided to not let either throw me off course.

Life is like a river. We can either enjoy the journey, rowing gently down the stream, or we can let our emotions control our thoughts, feeling despair, a vague dissatisfaction and lack of contentment. One very powerful way to row gently down the stream is to treat yourself as you would a dear, cherished friend.

About Elaine

Based in Santa Fe, New Mexico, USA, Elaine Pinkerton is the author of seven books, including The Goodbye Baby, From Calcutta with Love, Beast of Bengal and Santa Fe Blogger.

She publishes a biweekly post for her website www.elainepinkerton.wordpress.com. You can follow her on Twitter @TheGoodbyeBaby. Her books are listed on Amazon uk.co under Elaine Pinkerton.

Moving On

The Benefits of Solitude

Published on February 5, 2015

I cam across this post on “The Benefits of Solitude” by Prof Stephen Joseph recently and thought it really appropriate in letting us know that being alone is not only all right but can indeed be necessary for our welfare and wellbeing.

Humanistic and positive psychologists talk about the importance of relationships in fostering good mental health. Relationships that are unconditional, genuine, and empathic help to bring the best out in us. In such relationships we flourish.

Not surprisingly, as psychologists we tend to promote the idea that people need to develop their relationships as a way to find happiness in life.

What is rarely pointed out however is the scarcity of such relationships. The fact is that on a day to day basis most of our relationships are controlling, false and lack understanding.

Be they family relationships or those we have at work, the stark reality of what most of us have to contend with are relationships that we only too glad to escape from. It might be the relief at leaving home to get to work or the relief of leaving work to get home, or sadly for many of us, the in between ground of the car when we have the solitude of being alone.

The point is that we might deeply desire positive relationships in which we are accepted for who we are and able to be ourselves but it is not what we always have.

My worry is that as psychologists we induce guilt and shame with our message that relationships are the path to happiness. Let us not also forget that relationships are the path to misery. It is when we we are in relationships that are controlling, inauthentic and which lack empathic understanding that we are at our worst.

Sometimes, being on our own is the best and most healthy option we have at that moment in time.

We should strive to be unconditionally accepting, genuine and empathic in our relationships with others and we might hope that we get the same back. But if we don’t get it back, then it is okay to walk away.

Positive relationships are worth striving for, but surely solitude is better than relationships that make us feel ill? It is in solitude that we can begin to find ourselves and the new directions in life that will take us to better relationships.

Stephen Joseph is Professor in Psychology, Health and Social Care at the University of Nottingham, a senior practitioner member of the British Psychological Societies register of psychologists who specialise in psychotherapy, and an HCPC registered health and counselling psychologist.

He is the author of “What Doesn’t Kill Us.”

Moving On

Divorcing a Sociopath – Edith’s Story

Published on January 3, 2015November 2, 2018

Edith was barely twenty when she married a man whom she discovered later was labelled a sociopath.

Max was handsome, charming and determined to have her hand in marriage. Little things did not add up right.

Max told conflicting stories and blamed work woes on others. Things happened to him and he was blameless, in his point of view.

Edith did not know Max that well, since they had such a brief courtship.

Max began to put Edith down in subtle ways at first. Then he focused on her insecurities and upped the belittling.

Since she was so young and inexperienced, Edith thought there was something wrong with her.

Edith’s family and friends noticed changes and her increasing unhappiness. Max’s parents were enablers and continued to excuse Max’s behaviours while Edith’s alarmed parents insisted that she meet with a counsellor to discuss her marriage.

After getting some professional help, Edith discovered that she had married a sociopath and decided to divorce him. She felt fortunate not to have had any children with Max, so ties could be completely severed.

Near the end of her divorce, a bank came after Edith for payment on a loan, since she was listed as a co-signer. She was flabbergasted since she had never been to that financial institution. Edith demanded to see the signature that was supposed to be hers.

The bank manager refused and Edith insisted that the police be called right then and there. He acquiesced and pulled out the paperwork.

Edith was livid and demonstrated that “her” signature was forged, by showing him the one on her driver’s license.

The bank manager still had an attitude until Edith asked how they could have a co-signer who did not show any identification.

She threatened to sue the bank if she ever heard from them again.

There were a few other bumps in the road during the divorce, but things were straightened out in the end.

Money seemed to be missing and Max baulked at paying alimony. Edith got maintenance for just a short period.

Today, Edith has had a long marriage with husband number two and has been blessed with children.

She told her kids not to get married so young and to date the person for more than a year and also advocates really getting to know their family before marriage. She says if something does not feel right, then listen to your intuition.

The second time around, Edith married a calm, stable man who did not feel the need to impress her. They are compatible with similar interests and values.

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ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Divorcing a Sociopath – Edith’s Story

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