Wendi Schuller

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 100 published articles.

Her other book is The Woman’s Holistic Guide to Divorce. Web site is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Toxic parents

Mitigating the Effects of Toxic Parents Post-divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

In the majority of cases, former spouses are able to co-parent peacefully together for the good of their children.

They put aside any animosity for the well-being of their kids and set about the task of moving on in their own lives.

Yes, there are some bumps in the road, but learning how to negotiate goes a long way in smoothing out these situations.

In rare circumstances, one parent has a personality disorder in which their conscience or morality is faulty.

There are ways to counterbalance the influence of a toxic parent or toxic parents after divorce.

My older son said that the most important measure which helped him was volunteering.

My sons heard so many negatives that helping needy people and animals took the focus off them and onto how they could make the world a better place.

We took supplies to hospitals in Asia and feline medications to a cat clinic in the Cook Islands. At home my sons volunteered with animals, at a homeless shelter, and tutoring youngsters in chess.

toxic parents
Volunteering offset the message that people are not important, and I in particular.

Helping others is very rewarding and they enjoy doing so. Volunteering connects your children to others and connection is what a parent with a personality disorder lacks.

As an added bonus, being of service to others fosters a work ethic for future jobs. It also teaches kids to get along with people of different cultures, ages, and classes, which is necessary in this global economy.

Another aspect to help children not follow in a parent’s self-centeredness is by traveling and meeting folks from different cultures. They see others with their eyes and form their own impressions. This reduces prejudice, even if the other parent spouts vile opinions of others not in her ethnic group.

We went to a Muslim country soon after 9/11 and the warmth and kindness my boys received made a lasting impression. Children are less likely to be judgemental when they have enjoyed the hospitality of people in different lands, no matter what others may be saying about them.

Helping children connect to their spiritual side diminishes the effects of antagonistic remarks made by the other parent. Whether this is going to church or appreciating the beauty of nature, the children then have something outside of themselves. My son enjoys singing in the choir and my friend delights in gazing at the ocean. Whatever feels right to you is fine.

Remember to give your kids extra cuddles.

A toxic parent may not be affectionate, but rather more aloof. Reassure your kids that you will always be there for them. A dysfunctional parent may play mind games, make empty promises, and attempt to use the kids in a tug of war.

Do not get involved in these battles and get a third party to intervene if necessary.

The important thing is to be a constant presence in your kids’ lives and give unconditional love. Have clear boundaries, expectations, and consequences when these are violated. The kids know where they stand with you.

Consider having the kids check in with a children’s divorce coach to ensure that they are thriving and not just surviving.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Don’t forget to subscribe to our youtube channel www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk  today

You might be interested in

Selling your House after Divorce

Selling your House after Divorce – How to do it Quickly

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

During divorce, the marital home may be put up for sale with both parties splitting the proceeds.

A quick sale that takes place before the divorce is finalized is ideal.

Our house sold a few months after we got our divorce decree and I insisted upon having our solicitors distribute the money from the sale. We had at least one meeting with them after our divorce, until the sale of the house.

Here are some easy and quick ways to increase your chances and speed of selling your house after divorce during this transition.

  • Select a realtor with a great track record for finding buyers for newly listed property. The average time in the UK for a house to sell is four months. In London and the South East of England, property tends to sell quicker, often under two months. It can take six months or longer in Wales, Scotland, and the Northern part of England. How fast the property sells depends upon the demand in your area. My solicitor chose our realtor due to speedy property sales with her previous family law clients. She was in a big realty company with a vast network.
  • Buy faucets to update your house or flat and give it a newer appearance. My friend had to sell her house soon after her divorce decree to relocate and hired a plumber to replace the faucets. She felt that these shiny new ones got her house sold in days. Getting new toilet seats, shower curtain or other small items, aids in sprucing up the property for minimal cost.
  • Get rid of clutter and many personal items. Have a home for incoming paper work, books, toys, and so forth so they are not scattered around. Take a large bin or laundry basket and thin out books from shelves and clothes from closets. Store boxes and bins at your parent’s house temporarily. The point is to make your home look spacious by removing a lot of your stuff. When eliminating personal photos and travel souvenirs from your place, it helps potential buyers to imagine how their own things will look in this new home.
  • Some people in my area hire “stagers” who come in and give suggestions on making simple changes with décor to increase the potential for sales. In one case a navy bedspread was changed for a cream one, since the former one made the bedroom seem like it had a black hole. They have suggested removing extra paintings to give a room a focal point. Stagers look at what you already own and mainly work with these pieces to help your property look more enticing.
  • How is the curb appeal? There is a house in my neighbourhood that has been on the market for over a year for one simple reason. The paint is peeling on the wood trim around the windows and porch area. For less than £200, it could be scraped and repainted. The yard looks unappealing with overgrown shrubs and high weeds. If a neighbour kid was paid £25 that problem could be fixed easily. Remove any dead shrubs and tidy up the flower beds for an instant transformation.
  • Do not only rely on your realtor. Take photos of your home and put it up on social media with your realtor’s contact information. Consider placing an ad in your local paper if your realtor is not doing that. Let everyone you come in contact with know about your property, from co-workers to your favourite barista at Costa Coffee.
  • Price your house realistically. Go in the medium range for a faster sale. Our realtor wanted way too low and I said “Let’s give it two weeks at this higher price” and it sold for above my suggested one. We had to have an almost immediate sale in my acrimonious divorce. My ex would only stay in collaborative if he could move back into this empty house with me paying half of the mortgage if it did not sell within three months. The realtor and I were afraid that my ex would sabotage the selling of the house once he moved back in. Even my ex’s own solicitor was giving me advice how to get a quick sale, including burying a  statue of St. Joseph on the property.  St. Paul’s Bookstore on Cookridge Street in Leeds, sells “St. Joseph Home Sellers Kit” with precise instructions on how to “evoke the help of St. Joseph” in quickly selling your house. Good luck!

These strategies also work well if you have to sell a parent’s house so that they can go into assisted living or when downsizing with an Empty Nest.

My friends and family were lighting candles in church for a quick sale. Remember to celebrate when your house sells and you divide the money.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

You might be interested in

Coping with Divorce and the Lessons Learned

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

I have been divorced for seven years and have learned a few lessons along the way.

When I first got divorced most things seemed monumental. I had to learn when to step back and when to charge ahead. I sometimes felt like I was in a fog and relied too much on others.

When visitation deteriorated post-divorce, I listened to my mum and other well-meaning people about just letting it go on as scheduled. Instead of filing a motion with the court to suspend it, my younger son was particularly traumatized by going to visitation a year longer than necessary.

He has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which may have been less had I heeded his demand not to go anymore.

Neither son has contact with their father or his parents. The point is to listen to your gut feeling and push for a resolution to a problem sooner than later. One is vulnerable and is prone to put too much weight on other people’s opinions.

Instead of reacting, take a break from the situation to come up with a response.  Reactions are hot-headed and responding is taking in the facts and making an informed decision about what to do.

One does not have to make quick decisions in a panic, but can say, “Let me get back to you.”

This also applies to family members, work colleagues, or anyone who may try to enlist your time and energy when you are running on empty.

It is not only okay to run away, but even therapeutic.

Go to Cornwall or Brighton and enjoy the sea. Or go to more far-flung places to heal and rejuvenate yourself. Getting away from a stressful divorce situation was the balm to soothe our emotional wounds.

For my sons and I meandering down lanes in Palermo increased our bonding and feeling that we can get through anything.

My sons and I were allowed to go on an already-scheduled cruise during my divorce. The other passengers were fabulous and shared their getting through adversity stories. Walking through the souk in Tunis and

Our batteries were recharged during this journey.

I discovered how important family is during a crisis like divorce.

There was a month gap during my divorce before I could get some funds released to me and when I had to make a down payment on the house I was purchasing. My cousin provided the short-term loan of £13,200 so that I could close on my house before I received some divorce assets. I would have lost this sanctuary without my cousin’s kindness.

On the flip side, a well-to-do family member (not related to him), refused to do a short-term loan so that I could get my house. She stated that I did not know how to negotiate. You may be surprised by what family members come through for you and those that do not.

Divorce taught me to appreciate the smaller pleasures in life; hummingbirds hovering around my zinnias, a perfect latte, and the bliss of a pedicure.

When I was enduring a bad marriage, I was focused on survival, not bits of joy. Consider thinking of several things a day for which you are thankful. This helps to not take kindness for granted. Pay attention to what increases your happiness and plan these regularly into your schedule. Fun and laughter have health benefits and decrease my headaches. Meeting friends is a necessity and not an indulgence.

Divorce teaches assertiveness. I stand up to people whom I think are taking advantage of me or someone else.

When a former boss put a false allegation into my yearly review I went to the Human Resources Department to lodge a rebuttal. I sent the boss a polite note pointing out her error. I did get input from a few colleagues first, to make sure that I was on target and not overreacting.

When a garage botched a co-worker’s car repair, I called them and demanded that they fix it (they did).

Going through a divorce has increased my social and professional networks. At first the pool of friends shrinks, but then expands as we meet new people. Post-divorce is an adventure with many twists and turns.

Follow Wendi on Twitter

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, and hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK.

You might be interested in

A Guide for Blended Families

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Step-parents and children can thrive in blended families with little understanding of the process.

Merging begins with the Courting Phase, just as with dating.

People are on their best behaviour, showing their good side and hiding their less stellar points. They may be more giving than usual, saying “I’ll take your glass to the sink, just sit there darling.”

Then comes the Honeymoon Phase.

The newly blended family is having extra fun, going to amusement parks and keeping occupied with other enjoyable pursuits. Life is one big holiday and individuals are getting along so well.

Then day to day reality sets in. Not only is the sink pointed out to the child, but so is the mop and dust cloth. Chores materialize and the honeymoon is over. Disenchantment can set in on both sides.

The children may become sulky when life is no longer all fun and games. The step-parent wonders what happened to the sweet kids and who are these opinionated brats?

How to make blending go smoother?

Be your authentic self at all times. Be warm and kind, but not bending over backwards to fulfil the children’s every whim. From day one, let them know that there is no maid service, so everyone takes their glasses to the sink.

You are not their best friend and let them warm up to you on their own time schedule. Do not attempt to bribe them with presents to win them over. Even if they never come around completely, insist upon respect and good manners, not love. Let them know you are there for them, whenever they want help.

blended families www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
The newly blended family is having extra fun and keeping occupied with other enjoyable pursuits

Realize that people are on their best behaviour during the Courting Phase, so do not be blindsided when reality sets in. Children can be great, but have to let off steam. Do not take it personally when it happens.

Some of my friends have talked about their own step-mothers to their new step-children. They emphasize what great family friends they are and how they fill a special supportive role.

As a biological parent, consider having regular family meetings to air concerns and set up a rota for chores.

My step-mother gave me chores to do when I came over on the weekends and this helped me to feel a part of her family. I felt like I did my share and was not a guest.

Give expected behaviour guidelines, such as treating everyone with respect. Ask kids what special treats and fun they would like, but be clear that you are not getting a bank loan to do expensive activities every weekend. It was the little things that I enjoyed most with my step-mum, such as making paper dolls or baking brownies.

One step-dad was great at helping his step-son maintain his clunker of a car. It is the experiences that are so meaningful to step-kids.

Expect bumps in the road. Life may be going smoothly, then there is chaos. This can be a result of children turning into teens or other issues. The key is communication. Attempt to discuss what is going on. If things become more difficult, consider a session or two with a divorce coach to get everyone back on track. One may discover that there are issues with the other parent or difficulties at school.

With time, blended families grow to love, or at least like each other. It was wonderful for me to gain an instant extended family, since I am an only child. It helps when the biological parent is supportive of the new step-parent, as my mother was of my step-mum.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Don’t forget to subscribe to our youtube channel www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk  today

You might be interested in

Divorcing a Narcissist

Divorcing a Narcissist

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

A narcissist has an inflated sense of self and needs a constant stream of admiration.

They cover up their low self-esteem by exaggerating their achievements. Their sense of entitlement enables them to feel unique and a cut above others. They crave the attention of the wealthy and powerful.

Approximately 1.06% of the population is clinically narcissistic and more have traits of this personality disorder.

A Narcissist is the King in a game of chess, and every other piece around them is there to protect and to do their bidding.

Narcissists take advantage of others for their own ambitions, whether it is a spouse or co-worker. They are masters of manipulating vulnerable people and crushing their self-worth. A narcissist can turn on the charm and don the smiling mask, which is their public persona. These people become angry when others discover what they are really like behind this mask.

One woman decided not to be an enabler anymore and play the adoring wife in public. Narcissists go to great lengths to preserve their public images, so her enraged husband left her. He was shocked when she quickly filed for divorce and did not crawl back.

They may go after the boss’s daughter or someone else who can assist their grandiose schemes. After the narcissist achieves their goal, then marital issues surface.

Narcissists blame others, so view relationship problems as solely the fault of their spouse. They probably will refuse to go to marital counselling, since nothing is their fault, and they do not feel the need to change.

Tell your solicitor that your spouse is narcissistic, so she can plan specific strategies.

They routinely lie which makes divorce more challenging.

One collaborative solicitor would comment on the husband’s hand tailored suits. He puffed up with the “admiration” and the sessions went more smoothly. The solicitor had her client quickly give in on the small issues, to lessen the chance of larger ones becoming contentious.

The narcissist’s own solicitor stated it was the most difficult divorce that he ever had done.

Expect that there will be drama divorcing a narcissistic person and try to keep the sessions low key. If you are about to lose it, ask for a break and go scream in the loo. Strive to maintain a calm demeanor since the goal is to get through divorce as quickly as possible.

Narcissists are less likely to accept feedback or be able to negotiate, so I found that the collaborative divorce process worked best for me. Every situation is different, but I felt more comfortable having my own advocate.

More strategies are to avoid conflicts and stay under her radar. Best to avoid battles since a narcissist will want to punish you for perceived sins against her. This is the person to avoid having direct communication with after the marriage ends. Have a mediator handle all communication between exes post-divorce to decrease conflict.

It is important to rebuild one’s self-esteem after marriage to a narcissist, so one feels empowered during divorce and beyond.

See a therapist or coach to repair self-worth after being belittled for so many years. Lean on friends and family for support and fun. Expand your social and professional networks. The key is to nurture yourself so that you heal after going through this ordeal.

divorcing a narcissist
source – pinterest.com

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Don’t forget to subscribe to our youtube channel www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk  today

 

You might be interested in

co-parenting with a sociopath

Tips on Co-Parenting with a Sociopath

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Sociopath is also called antisocial personality disorder and is one of the most difficult people to have as a co-parent.

New research has indicated that there can be a genetic link to having antisocial personality disorder and it sometimes runs in families.

Sociopaths are highly represented in the prison populations. People with antisocial personality disorder can be impulsive and reckless. Many are highly intelligent and choose occupations where they have power, such as politicians, police, clergy, trial attorneys, and surgeons.

Sociopaths lack empathy and compassion for others, yet seem (pretending) to care about them. Their good works are for show and glory only. They blame others and do not see the need to change themselves, so are not prone to seek therapy.

People with antisocial personality disorder manipulate more vulnerable people, such as their children. They have a sense of entitlement and use others to obtain what they feel is due to them out of life.

They blame others and are prime candidates for committing parental alienation.

Sociopaths can explode with rage which frightens kids, or the youngsters shut down to avoid being a trigger for this fury. Life is not stable when a parent’s moods are so labile. This is emotional abuse.

Sociopaths can be charming and may have swayed the court into granting ample shared time. Document everything, including what the children say, and your e-mail interactions. Their charisma may influence people in your children’s lives, such as teachers, who may support this enchanting parent.

They have no scruples and will try to corrupt their kids into doing dangerous or illegal activities.

One sociopath showed hardcore internet pornography to his young sons, acting as if this is normal. He threatened them not to tell their mother, or it would be their fault if the mum then broke up the family.

The younger son accidentally let slip what their father had recently shown them. The mum called the father who denied it, but she said that she was starting a formal investigation. He left her a day later. Her divorce solicitor asked why he couldn’t have done “another hobby, like bowling with the kids.”

Sociopaths do not have respect for life and may mistreat or torture animals. They may expose children to this atrocity.

Tips on Co-Parenting with a Sociopath

The key is clear communication with your children about what behaviour and ethics are acceptable and what is not. If they do not want to confide in you, have someone else available, if they are not in therapy.

Never let the sociopath into your home for any reason.

If you are in the marital house, make sure all locks, alarm and garage codes have been changed. Do not give out any personal information about yourself to this other parent. Make it clear to the children that anything at all about you or your shared life with them, is off limits to your ex. They can discuss their school, friends and activities, but not you.

Give your children at least daily hugs and praise... because they may not be hearing this from the other parent.
Give your children at least daily hugs and praise… because they may not be hearing this from the other parent.

Give your children at least daily hugs and praise. Inform them how much you appreciate them and their achievements because they may not be hearing this from the other parent. I made a big point of volunteering and having my sons do so as well to offset negatives from their father. They learned from an early age to have compassion and give back to animals and the community.

If you are told that your child is not respecting other children and is extremely cruel, this is a red flag.

Since there is a genetic component to antisocial personality disorder, have him evaluated by an experienced  psychiatrist or psychologist in this area. A youngster may be diagnosed with “conduct disorder” and can be helped with therapy. This condition can be a precursor for antisocial personality disorder and early intervention can prevent it from becoming full blown.

In therapy, specific parameters for behaviour are set with certain consequences. Conduct disorder is often diagnosed with juvenile delinquents and is not the same as a little acting out that comes with divorce.

If you or the children are in danger, seek help immediately.

Talk to your solicitor, the police or local abuse shelter.

Do not talk to your ex directly, but rather send businesslike e-mails. Better to use a third party intermediary for communication, such as a mediator.

Visitation can take place at a Contact Centre and if not supervised, have the drop off and pick up away from your home. The main points with co-parenting with sociopaths is to limit your contact and monitor the children’s well-being.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Don’t forget to subscribe to our youtube channel www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk  today

You might be interested in

Divorce Support Groups

Divorce Support Groups and Workshops UK

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

During divorce there are online and offline groups to help one get through this life changing transition.

In the States, it is common for a judge, interim psychologist, or the solicitors to mandate that the spouses take a co-parenting class (separately).

However, after divorce, when I particularly wanted assistance for myself, it was scarcer. Of course I could have gone to a life coach, which is helpful, but I wanted the type of interaction only found in group setting.

In the UK today, there are several organisations in the UK that provide post-divorce support and guidance in such a setting.

The charity Divorce Recovery Workshops (DRW) is mainly staffed by volunteers who have gone through divorce themselves. Their six sessions are around two hours and cover such topics as “Coping with your ex-spouse”, “Letting Go and Forgiveness” and “Thinking about new relationships.”

A video is shown first, followed by a discussion and sharing of experiences. The participants realize that others are going through the same problems and “recovery from traumatic experiences can bring opportunities for personal growth.” DWR has quarterly weekend retreats in lovely country hotels from Friday evening to after Sunday lunch. Since they are a non-profit organization, fees are kept reasonable. Go online to find a workshop near your area www.drw.org.uk

Divorce Care is a global organization that has branches in the UK and elsewhere. I tested this by selecting the various cites of London, Cape Town, Auckland, New South Wales, Australia, Cincinnati (USA) and Chicago and yes there were groups in these places.

Divorce Care meets weekly and shows a “video seminar” first and then there is a discussion and sharing of the participants’ lives.

People learn practical tips that help them recover from divorce. Some Divorce Care participants have stated that it is like becoming part of a family. Divorce Care shows “ways to restore your hope and rebuild your life.” Some branches of this organization have kids groups for those aged 5-12 and are called Divorce Care for Kids (DC4K). Divorce Care’s web site is www.divorce.org

Maypole Woman is a charity run by women and for women which continues to be a support in the post-divorce period. Their helpful links are great no matter where you live in the UK. This Leed’s charity is particularly interested in helping women post-divorce and “enabling them to meet the needs of their children effectively at all times.”   www.maypole.org.uk

Divorce Support Group has specially trained therapists who run small groups for ninety minute sessions for ten weeks. People are evaluated first in an individual session with a therapist that lasts fifty minutes.

The participants range from going through a divorce to being divorced and moving on. The prices are £50 for the initial consultation and £38 per session with a discount if you pay for all of them on the first visit.

Divorce Support Group states “By sharing similar experiences, doing some tried and tested exercises, meeting others in similar situations and by learning to manage your own and your children’s experience of your separation, you will begin to take control back into your life and think about your future instead of only your past.”  www.divorcesupportgroup.co.uk

Restored Lives course “supports and empowers people to move forward from divorce…to live a full life free from past issues.”  This charity has group sessions run by people who have been divorced themselves. A meal starts off the evening course followed by discussions in small groups. Some topics covered are: “Resolving Conflict”, “Parenting Issues” and “Moving Forward with Hope.” Restored Lives has courses throughout the UK   www.restoredlives.org

Check the MeetUp.com groups in your locale for specific divorce groups or the more general social ones.

These groups are all around the UK and in many parts of the world. If venting to friends is not enough, it is nice to know that there are organizations that provide post-divorce support in group settings around your area.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

You might be interested in

Serial Dating after Divorce

Divorced Dating – Picky vs. Realistic

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

When interviewing both genders on the qualities they seek in a partner, men were more general and women tended to have a long shopping list of requirements.

Some of these seemed to still be rooted back to uni days, such as “he must be buff” or have “an awesome sports car.”

Now is the time to update your list of qualities for partners by your current age and not your younger self.

Divorced Dating – Too Picky?

Kathy is 5’8’’ and wears 3 1/2 to 4 inch heels and is only looking for a date who is 6’2’’.  She says this height is just perfect for her.

Reasoning with Kathy has not worked. Are you looking for a very specific type – like a key to a lock?

Do you feel that there is only one person who is right for you and bypass others who are nearly right? A clue this is happening is by having many dry spells between dates.

Brenda specifies that all people she dates must love doing day hikes. Even if guys are active in other ways, not doing day long hikes was the deal breaker for her. When asked why she could not hike and meet up with the guy afterwards, Brenda answered “no way.”

In contrast, Jerry is divorced and an outdoorsy type of fellow who swims almost daily. Although he is seeking an active woman, she does not have to even get in the water, much less go swimming. Jerry said that he could have a date with a girlfriend after he goes to the pool. If they go on vacation, he will swim in the ocean while she reads on the beach. He is more flexible and willing to compromise than Brenda is.

Having high standards with ethics and spirituality is not being too picky.

If marrying outside of your religion is non-negotiable, then date only members of it. There are specific dating sites, such as for Jewish singles or Mennonites, and online searches are easy.  If sex outside of wedlock is taboo then date only others who also share this belief.

Values that align with someone else’s is the basis for a long-term relationship.

What Do You Bring To The Table?

A few women stated that they were looking for handsome men to take them travelling on a long-term or permanent basis.

When asked “What do you bring to the table?” they went blank. When probed, what qualities do you possess that would specifically attract such a boyfriend they could only answer “Well, that is who I want to marry.”

dating post divorce www.thedivorcemagazine.co.ukFriends probably are not going to point out to these few that they lack charisma, charm and the ability to hold stimulating conversations on a variety of subjects with people of different cultures. Think about what great qualities you have that would attract the type of person you want to date.

Be exactly clear what you mean when using labels to categorize people.

Sandy is a hairdresser who states that she does not date doormats. She runs around with a biker crowd and has had some relationships post-divorce that teeter on the brink of abuse.

A fantastic, kind man came into Sandy’s life. He would sometimes drop by the salon with flowers for her. Sandy’s co-workers and customers adored him. Sandy kicked him to the curb. Why? Sandy’s faulty thinking confused being a nice, respectable guy with being a doormat.

Make a list of the qualities that you seek in a spouse by order of importance.

Look at the more trivial ones at the end to determine if they can be eliminated. Sometimes relationships develop slowly and grow with intensity over time. One may lose out on a great love if the first date lacked chemistry and there was not a second one. Of course be safe and if your gut feeling is screaming at you to bail, then do so.

You may be feeling something is greatly amiss on a subconscious level. Avoid  being too picky by dumping someone too quickly because they did not tick every box on your list.

Do you have your list?

Are you a picky or realistic dater?

Would love to know.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

You might be interested in

Parenting with a Narcissist

Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Narcissists lack empathy so this makes co-parenting with a narcissist more challenging.

They do not have compassion, so only pretend to care for others, including family members and it’s very likely that their children become targets for their manipulation, since they are less likely to stand up to a parent.

The world revolves around the narcissistic person and this can include contact schedules and activities. Children are used as pawns during divorce to get a better financial gain or in retaliation against you.

Several eminent psychologists insist that contact between children and a narcissistic parent should be supervised.

Dr. Joseph Shannon of Ohio, who is an expert on personality disorders and does many conferences on this subject, is adamant about the need to set up supervised visitation to protect the children.

When I also asked if a narcissistic ex-spouse ever lets go of his ex-wife after divorce, he said “no.”

Throughout the UK, there are Children’s’ Contact Centres where the non-resident parent can spend time with their children in pleasant surroundings and they have trained volunteers who are in the centres to give any assistance, if needed.

In one case, when the older son turned eighteen, he stopped visitation and the younger one refused to continue. The younger brother met with the mediator that was appointed in the parenting plan, who then arranged supervised visitation.

A child may feel safer when contact is supervised and can begin to develop a better relationship with that parent. Or, like in this case, the supervisor verified the verbal and emotional abuse when reporting back to the mediator and the court terminated parental contact when the son absolutely refused to go.

Contact between children and a narcissistic parent can be more successful if shorter in duration and perhaps no overnights.

Co-Parenting with a Narcissist | www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
A kid may be pushed into a sport that draws more attention and fame, than one that does not.

If the activities are mutually satisfying, such as participating in a sport or engrossing hobby, then the time spent together can be more enjoyable. They may like going to movies and concerts, which require less interactions.

Another strategy for pleasant contact is when visitation takes place at a family member’s or friend’s house. One narcissistic father with an alcohol problem, visits his young daughter at his own mother’s house. She spends one night a week there, often with cousins, and has dinner with dad. This arrangement is working out great and the narcissist is on his best behavior with his mum standing nearby.

Narcissistic Extension is when a parent tries to mold a child into someone whose achievements directly reflect back onto them. The parent expects to be praised regarding their offspring’s skills. The narcissistic parent sees the child as a part of themselves (extension).

A kid may be pushed into a sport that draws more attention and fame, than one that does not. One boy wanted to play baseball for his school’s team, but his father refused to give permission. Instead, the son was made to continue with martial arts that gave more recognition with publicized tournaments.

Some narcissistic mothers of youngsters in beauty pageants see their girls as extensions of them. They bask in the admiration that surround these awards.

A danger of having a narcissistic parent that controls a child, is that this child may go on to repeat this pattern in future relationships.

One young man who was involved with two brothers as roommates and friends, was manipulated, loaned money to them, and let them dictate his non-working time. Eventually he listened to concerned family and friends and got some short-term therapy.

Co-parenting with a clinically diagnosed narcissist is doable when one does not get caught in a power struggle.

Make sure the kids have support, whether with a therapist, divorce coach or trusted family friend.  Keep monitoring the situation to confirm contact with this parent is going okay.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Don’t forget to subscribe to our youtube channel www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk  today

You might be interested in

Empty Nest Syndrome Post-Divorce

Facing Empty Nest Syndrome Post-Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

An Empty Nest is especially challenging for parents who face yet another loss after divorce.

People may be experiencing the different stages of grief with their divorce, and now also mourn what was and may never be again with their child.

One goes through anger and eventually moves on to acceptance in the cycle of grief, as time goes by. This is the period to reinvent yourself and discover long last passions.

Having a quiet house seemed to be one of the worst things for me.

I brought my stereo system out of hibernation and got some tiny new speakers. I joined the vinyl craze in the states and bought some new records. Listening to old favorites with my cats around, makes loneliness a thing of the past and both of my college age sons enjoy listening to these classics when they are home.

There are ways to make this transition a little easier and reduce the loneliness that may come with the empty nest syndrome:

  • Schedule something fun to do immediately after your child leaves for school. I had a facial a few hours after my youngest son left for uni and required this pampering. The kind therapist let me express my sadness as she massaged lovely aromatherapy oils on my skin. The next morning I had a latte with a pal, and a movie with another one later in the day. I met with friends for the first several days of this transition.
  • Get together with other Empty Nesters for support and fun. My friend Patti formed a group with her son’s classmates’ parents and they meet once a month. It used to be for tears, but now it is for laughter and camaraderie.
  • Delay doing big projects until after your child is gone. This is the time to organize your home office or tackle the mess in your garage. Being focused on a large task, decreases time to dwell on one’s new situation.
  • Expand your social or professional groups. I joined a MeetUp.com group and can go out weekly for lattes, lectures or other activities. I joined Toastmasters International to become a more effective speaker.
  • Join some groups and organizations. The Women’s Institute (WI) evolved from traditional activities during WW1, to empty nest syndromefencing, DIY classes and teaching other skills now. The WI is having a resurgence of new members with many in their 30’s. There is even a WI goth group in London and I have discovered many new Scandinavian authors from my book club.
  • Go back to school for pleasure classes or to advance your career. I took a computer class after my son left. An acquaintance obtained her teaching degree during her Empty Nest period. She was so busy with these courses that she barely had time to think about her kids that had flown the nest.
  • Get out of your comfort zone and build self-esteem. This is the time to climb up Kilimanjaro or find charity treks around the UK or far flung places. Expand your fitness level as you train for these endeavours or join an exercise class. I started Zumba and Tai Chi during this episode.
  • Consider hosting a foreign exchange student for a few weeks or a school year. You will have a student who needs care and advice in your home. You may end up with a new family member for life as some people have told me. These people enjoyed learning about other cultures and visiting their “kids.”
  • Take a trip to get away and be in a new environment. Visit old friends who may be going through the Empty Nest as well. Go overnight to a nearby spa for some pampering.
  • Volunteer and give something back to others. I love feeling needed with my weekly volunteering at a cat rescue group. The kitties purr with their appreciation. Consider adopting a new pet. If unable to commit, foster a cat or dog short-term.

There was a study released in the states that indicated a correlation with getting breast cancer around eighteen months after the last child left home.

When I thought about the people I know who had breast cancer, this was the time that they discovered it as well. A woman told me this week that her surgeon said there is a connection between strong sad emotions and the occurrence of some prostate and breast cancer.

This research of emotional states increasing the risk for cancer is in its early stages, but I am having as much fun as possible to decrease my chances for it.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Don’t forget to subscribe to our youtube channel www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk  today

You might be interested in

Hidden Effects of Domestic Violence on Children

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Children may not be direct targets of abuse, however they can suffer the effects of it just the same.

Parents may not realize their verbal vitriol is like a slap on the face to kids.

In one case a boy was being seen by special services in school because he could not hold it together. When something happened at school it was enough to tip him over the edge, triggering tears or an outburst.

Turned out that his parents were yelling at each other most evenings and this lad would retreat to his room to read.

When asked, he revealed that his older brother put on head phones and played video games. The parent’s verbal abuse to each other impacted their sons’ stress levels and schooling.

Trauma through physical or sexual abuse may be a onetime event like rape, or prolonged repeated acts. Children may be threatened or coerced into cooperating with the abuser. The abuse is overwhelming and violates the child’s sense of security.

Ongoing abuse can develop into Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Children can have flashbacks, nightmares and are hypersensitive to triggers which remind them of the initial abuse.

Effects of Domestic Violence

Caleb was molested from age seven to eleven and had suppressed these memories until a year after his parents’ divorce.

His therapist had to intervene to stop visitations until they could be supervised or terminated. An authoritarian teacher reminded Caleb of his father and he became belligerent. Caleb had to improve his low marks and classroom behavior. Therapy has greatly helped Caleb to learn strategies in dealing with his PTSD and its triggers.

Caleb developed asthma around age seven at the onset of sexual abuse and this is a red flag for sexual or physical abuse.

Young children who cannot talk or older ones who are afraid, can manifest their stress physically as in bed-wetting or developing asthma.

Effects of Domestic Violence on children www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
The effects of abuse can last the child’s entire life.

Dr. Robyn T. Cohen and other researchers from Brigham and Women’s Hospital and from Harvard stated “Our findings highlight the importance of screening for asthma among victims of childhood abuse and to be aware of the possibility of physical or sexual abuse among children with asthma.”

In some cases a child may repeat the abuse that was done to her.

A single mother adopted a girl at age four and things went well. They bonded and developed a great relationship. Then the mother wanted to adopt two more children so she began the process by fostering. These two kids had pinch marks and scratches and an investigation commenced.

The adopted girl said the foster children were doing it to themselves but it was eventually determined that the daughter was hurting the other two children because she had been physically abused in her birth home. She did not want anyone else encroaching on her territory so lashed out in a physical manner.

The adoption of the other kids was denied. The original adopted daughter was left in the home and life went back to the way it was. As long as no other children were in the picture, things were okay.

Sometimes people mistakenly stay in a marriage “for the sake of the children.” Think carefully about this as kids pick up more than is expected and can repeat toxic patterns in their lives. The effects of abuse can last the child’s entire life.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

You might be interested in

Top 5 Co-Parenting Tips

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

There are ways to make co-parenting go a little easier for all involved. Remember this is all about your children, so making an extra effort will result in happier kids.

Here are the top 5 co-parenting tips:

1. Encourage the Grandparent connection. Grandparents can be the anchor for kids in the turbulence surrounding divorce.

They can provide a haven where kids have fun and forget about their parents’ troubles. Your former in-laws may be waiting for you to make the first move or unsure if any bitterness towards their offspring is spilling over onto them.

If one is uncomfortable talking to them at first, then send an e-mail or letter letting them know how important they are to your children’s lives.

An elderly couple was sad when their son and daughter-in-law got a divorce. These grandparents loved their young grandchildren’s mum and offered to babysit for her whenever she needed it.

When they went out of town, they would give her a name of a family member as backup, who could watch the kids in a pinch. She appreciated this kindness, since her family did not live nearby.

2. Clarify to the kids that you support their relationship with the other parent. They have overheard angry words and witnessed hostility. Explain that you both are not able to be married anymore, but you respect each other as parents.

Reassure kids that there is not a tug-of-war going on with them caught in the middle. This will help them to feel happier and more relaxed about going between homes. When the kids are adjusting well, then co-parenting is easier.

Top 5 Co-Parenting Tips
Remember to send a present from the child to the other parent, for gift-receiving occasions.

3. Remember to send a present from the child to the other parent, for gift-receiving occasions. He/she feels more appreciated and knows that you were behind this nice gesture. The kids then do not go empty-handed for birthdays and so forth.

4. Reach out to the new step-parent, if feasible. They are helping to oversee care, meals and other routines. The shared time goes smoother when all are on the same page. My mum made sure that I invited my step-mother to my synchronized swimming performances.

When step-parents feel included, it increases their connection to the children. When my step-grandfather was hospitalized a few times, he made sure my nurse mother was notified that he was a patient. She would pop down on her break to see this jolly fellow and get a big hug.

5. Communication. Communication. Communication. This was contributed by my younger son who has friends with divorced parents. From a kid’s point of view, when parents put aside animosity and communicate – their lives are more stable.

Yes, your wife is the Wicked Witch’s twin sister, or your husband, the world’s biggest jerk.

Put these angry feelings behind you and communicate about school events, sport tournaments etc., in a calm neutral manner. Your kids will appreciate this maturity.

One can vent to girlfriends or moan to mates over a pint – just so it is not around the children. Like other things that are learned, co-parenting gets better with more practice and time. Keep in mind its important goal: more secure children.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Don’t forget to subscribe to our youtube channel www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk  today

Photo by Gift Habeshaw on Unsplash

You might be interested in

1 … 9 10 11 12 13