life after divorce - Page 3

Making New Friends Post-Divorce
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Making New Friends Post-Divorce

Published on
Wendi Schuller
Wendi Schuller
Dating Coach
Author of ‘The Global Guide to Divorce’

Divorce brings many changes and one major one is with friendships. One can lose friends (or those you thought were friends).  Bringing new individuals into your life takes energy when yours may be at a low point.

It is tricky when most friends were initially were met through a spouse. Or you met other couples when married and socialised as a unit, not individually. Couples may not want to take sides, so the invitations cease.  This is what happened to me.  This situation forced me to get out and find my own tribe.

If you are in introvert, consider joining clubs. Select ones where you interact at your own pace. A travel one has speakers and slide shows. One can be a loner, yet be around others. For deeper connections, I joined a Girlfriends Lunch Club on MeetUp.com.  Many were going or had gone through divorce, so there were tips and support along with laughter and fun. This camaraderie is supportive through life stages.

Go to the same places where you become a regular. Take your laptop to one with a community table. You get work done and can chat with individuals who are interesting. Interacting with the same people over time builds relationships.

Several newer friends who are now close ones, were customers where I used to work. We chatted regularly, then started going out for coffee. We clicked. Relationships like these, often happen organically. After seeing the same people over and over, take the plunge and plan a get-together. My manager on the job did this post-divorce, and met the love of his life. Good things happen.

When I was a trauma nurse at a large hospital, my co-workers and I went out several times a week to reduce our stress. We became good friends. Perhaps there are colleagues which you could get to know a bit better.

Have you let a few relationships slip by which you could rekindle? Your college roommate? Friends pre-marriage? Technology and social media make it relatively easy it to reunite with these former pals. College alumni directories are another source to help one get in touch with old friends.

Look at your current situation and see where connections can be made. If you are a parent of school age children, meeting other ones can lead to forming bonds. Several friends made lasting bonds with other parents, and now a decade later, are going through Empty Nest together. I volunteered for school events and met other parents that way.

It is fine to take baby steps when looking for new relationships. Take advantage of opportunities which come your way to deepen ties with casual acquaintances. Some can become close friends. Accept invitations to go out.  Do not take it personally if someone chooses not to get to know you better. They are dealing with their own issues. Be patient. It takes time for a garden to grow, just as it does with friendships.

Read more articles by Wendi Schuller.

Wendi Schuller

Wendi Schuller is a dating coach who helps people after divorce and break-ups to start dating again. She is a hypnotherapist, NLP practitioner and a nurse. She wrote The Global Guide To Divorce.  https://globalguidetodivorce.com     

She writes the Jack Jack The Cat series for children.

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Post-Divorce Trauma and Mental Health: Making Peace with the Past
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Post-Divorce Trauma and Mental Health: Making Peace with the Past

Published on
Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS
Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS
Clinical Program Director
The Cabin Chiang Mai

The Hidden Cost of Divorce

In a culture increasingly obsessed with curated happiness and tidy healing narratives, few life events are as misunderstood or underestimated in their emotional toll as divorce. Often reduced to paperwork, asset division, and custody schedules, the psychological aftermath is left largely unspoken—an invisible grief that reshapes identity and lingers quietly in the body.

“The emotional wreckage of divorce is not undone by paperwork – it’s rewired into the nervous system,” says Lee Hawker.

From the outside, divorce may appear as a fresh start, but to the individual experiencing it, it can feel like an implosion. The loss is often multilayered – not just of a partner or home, but of an imagined future, daily rituals, and even social identity and often we see trauma responses are triggered long after the final decree. Healing from divorce requires more than procedural resolution; it requires emotional integration. Without this, clients are left carrying invisible scars that shape future relationships, parenting dynamics, and self-worth. Recognising this trauma -and naming it – is the first step in reclaiming emotional integrity after the end of a marriage.

Divorce: A Trauma in Disguise

Divorce is trauma. Not metaphorically, but neurologically and psychologically. It dismantles one’s emotional infrastructure and often activates dormant wounds that trace back decades. It’s not merely the end of a marriage; it’s the crumbling of the self that existed within that union – one that may have taken years to build. The impact is frequently cumulative, tapping into unresolved attachment injuries, childhood trauma, or intergenerational emotional patterns that have long gone unexamined.

“In my clinical work, I’ve seen how divorce unlocks every unresolved attachment wound, often more powerfully than bereavement,” says Hawker.

Symptoms often mirror those of trauma-based conditions: flashbacks, ruminative thought cycles, depressive lethargy, social withdrawal, and intense fear of future connection. Divorce may strip people of emotional safety, routine, and self-concept in one fell swoop, leaving them feeling destabilised and ashamed. And yet, because divorce is so normalised in legal or social terms, the profound psychic dislocation it causes is often dismissed. At The Cabin, we treat many individuals whose emotional responses to divorce were minimised by others or by themselves – leading to delayed or suppressed healing. Recognising divorce as a legitimate trauma experience allows space for compassion, clinical intervention, and meaningful growth.

The Harm of ‘Moving On’

“Just move on.” It’s a mantra of the modern wellness era, uttered by friends, family, and even therapists in the hope of fast-tracking recovery. But this insistence on progress can be deeply damaging. Healing from divorce doesn’t obey a linear timeline, and certainly not one dictated by social convenience or cultural comfort. The idea that moving on is the benchmark for wellness often results in internalised shame when grief inevitably resurfaces.

“Real healing doesn’t demand movement – it demands presence,” explains Lee. “You don’t have to ‘move on’ to be okay.”

We encourage individuals to resist the pressure of performing wellness. Instead, we focus on emotional presence – allowing grief to unfold without suppression or rebranding. The push to “move on” frequently bypasses necessary grieving processes, prematurely shutting down reflection and emotional expression. This can lead to emotional numbing, unresolved anger, or dysfunctional coping mechanisms. Healing is not about speed; it’s about depth. By acknowledging that divorce is not something to be “gotten over,” but something to be lived through, we invite a more authentic and sustainable recovery path. The discomfort may linger, but it becomes less corrosive when not silenced or denied.

The Myth of Closure

Closure is a seductive but ultimately misleading idea. It suggests a clean ending, a box we can tick before moving on with our lives. But human emotions, especially grief and loss, rarely conform to such tidy arcs. Divorce doesn’t offer clean lines – it often leaves jagged edges. When we seek closure, what we are often craving is certainty, finality, or even emotional vindication. And yet, in most cases, these never arrive.

“Closure is a myth we tell ourselves to end pain prematurely,” says Lee. “Containment is where real strength lies – the ability to live beside grief, not erase it.”

It’s about reframing recovery not as the achievement of closure, but as the development of containment. This involves holding pain without being consumed by it – learning how to coexist with memories, regret, and longing in a way that doesn’t derail one’s forward movement. When we stop searching for the elusive finish line and instead focus on emotional spaciousness, something remarkable happens: grief becomes less sharp. Not because it has been “resolved,” but because we have built the capacity to carry it. The goal isn’t to close the book—it’s to keep living even as the story evolves.

Divorce is a Mirror, Not a Window

Many people expect divorce to serve as a window into a new chapter—an escape route toward reinvention. But more often than not, it acts as a mirror, reflecting back parts of ourselves we have long avoided. Post-divorce, individuals are often faced with confronting their emotional patterns: fear of abandonment, enmeshment, suppressed rage, or an over-reliance on external validation. These traits didn’t appear because of the divorce—they were always there, hidden within the relational dynamic.

“Divorce forces us to meet the parts of ourselves we used relationships to escape,” says Lee.

The therapeutic process involves identifying these patterns with compassionate honesty. When divorce is approached as a mirror, it becomes a powerful diagnostic tool. We begin to understand not only the relationship that ended, but the internal architecture that made it feel inevitable or unsustainable. This does not mean self-blame – it means self-awareness. By confronting our own emotional inheritance, we create the possibility of healthier future relationships and a more grounded sense of self. In this light, the pain of divorce becomes not a detour, but a necessary part of the journey inward.

Identity After Divorce: Rebuilding Without Rebranding

One of the most destabilising aspects of divorce is the collapse of identity. Who are we without the relational roles that defined us – spouse, co-parent, provider, partner? For many, this loss of identity can feel more shattering than the relationship itself. It is not uncommon for clients to report a sense of emotional disembodiment – like they are living someone else’s life.

“Your identity isn’t lost in divorce – it’s just buried under disappointment,” says Lee.

We encourage clients not to rush into reinvention. The pressure to “bounce back” often leads people to perform confidence while privately unraveling. Instead, we explore the idea of reclamation – retrieving the parts of the self that predated the relationship, and discovering aspects that were never fully allowed to emerge. Divorce becomes a threshold moment: not a reset, but a reckoning. Who were you before compromise diluted your voice? Who are you when nobody’s expectations are crowding your authenticity? When approached gently, divorce recovery allows individuals to rebuild not through wholesale reinvention, but through rediscovery – and in that process, something vital and durable begins to take root.

Recovery is Not Linear: Grit as the Benchmark

Progress after divorce is rarely tidy. Some days feel hopeful; others feel like regression. This oscillation is not a sign of failure – it is the nature of emotional healing. And yet, many clients fear they are “backsliding” when grief revisits them unexpectedly. The truth is: recovery does not follow a timeline. There is no deadline for feeling whole again.

“We must normalise regression in healing,” urges Lee. “Progress is not a straight line. It’s a spiral.”

We help people reframe success not as emotional consistency but as emotional engagement. The benchmark is not how well you are coping – it’s how honestly you are participating in your own healing. Grit, in this context, is not about stoicism in the traditional sense; it’s about turning up, again and again, to face the inner storm. It’s about making the bed, attending therapy, showing up for your kids even when your heart is breaking. When we stop measuring healing by perfection and start recognising the bravery of persistence, a more compassionate recovery process becomes possible.

Anger as a Useful Companion

Anger is often framed as the enemy of healing – but this is a mischaracterisation. In the wake of divorce, anger is not only normal; it’s necessary. Beneath the rage lies grief, betrayal, loss of agency, and shattered expectations. When we deny anger, we risk burying truths that require attention.

“Anger is grief’s first language,” says Lee. “We just have to learn to translate it.”

It’s important to explore anger as a doorway rather than a dead end. When expressed constructively, anger clarifies boundaries and reclaims power. It identifies where needs were unmet and where one’s values were violated. Importantly, healthy anger can act as a defence mechanism against depression and self-blame. But to access this clarity, clients must feel safe enough to express and metabolise their rage. Unprocessed anger doesn’t disappear – it mutates into bitterness, isolation, or anxiety. By honouring it, we transform it. Anger is not a flaw in the recovery process – it is a compass pointing to what still needs to be named, felt, and healed.

Parenting Through the Lens of Grace, Not Guilt

Parental guilt is perhaps the most corrosive emotion that accompanies divorce. Clients often express paralysing regret about how the separation might affect their children. They fear emotional damage, disrupted routines, and fractured trust. But what most research – and lived experience – shows is that children do not suffer from the divorce itself, but from ongoing conflict, emotional unavailability, and inauthenticity in the home.

“Children benefit more from witnessing your growth than your performance,” says Lee.

It’s important to support parents in shifting their internal narrative from “I’ve damaged them” to “I can still model recovery.” Children thrive when they see resilience in action. They benefit from witnessing parents who are willing to own mistakes, apologise, seek help, and prioritise emotional safety. Divorce offers a profound opportunity to model imperfection with dignity and vulnerability. The goal is not to shield children from pain – it is to equip them with the language and tools to navigate it. When guilt is replaced with grace, parenting becomes less about control and more about connection – and in that space, healing multiplies.

Endurance Over Enlightenment

Cultural narratives often sell us a redemptive arc: the idea that divorce is a painful but ultimately empowering prelude to reinvention. And while that’s sometimes true, it’s not the whole picture. For many, post-divorce life is not a clean ascension. It’s a long, quiet endurance. It’s putting one foot in front of the other when joy still feels out of reach. And that’s okay.

“Endurance is the hidden virtue of recovery,” says Lee. “You don’t need to be transformed to be okay.”

We view endurance as a sacred act. It means continuing to live with the full weight of emotion without collapsing. It means surviving the empty house, the changed finances, the new co-parenting schedule – and doing it with a shred of dignity. Healing does not need to look like euphoria or reinvention. Sometimes, the bravest thing a person can do is keep showing up. In these moments, endurance becomes a quiet defiance against hopelessness. It says: I’m still here. And for many, that is the first and most powerful declaration of recovery.

Final Thoughts: Resilience as Realism

True resilience after divorce isn’t about glossy transformation – it’s about staying real. It’s about rejecting cultural pressure to perform happiness and instead, embracing the mess of being human. There will be days when grief blindsides you, when shame whispers lies, when hope feels distant. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re healing.

“Healing doesn’t need to look like joy. It just needs to look like you, choosing life again,” says Lee.

Divorce recovery is not a success story – it’s a survival story. And the most powerful part of that story is that you’re still writing it.

References

  1. Hawker, L. writing as Marcus A (2025). Pessimism: A Survival Guide. [Manuscript].

  2. Hawker, L writing as Marcus A (Unpublished) Divorce: A Survival Guide [PrePub. Manuscript]

  3. American Psychological Association. (2022). The Psychological Impact of Divorce.

  4. Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.

  5. Frankl, V. (1946). Man’s Search for Meaning.

  6. Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development.

Read more articles by Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS.

About Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS

Lee Hawker is the Clinical Director at The Cabin Chiang Mai.

He is a Registered Member of the British Psychological Society. He graduated from Anglia Ruskin University in the UK with a degree in Behavioural Science and a postgraduate clinical focus on addictions from the University of Bath. Lee is a focused and ambitious individual who has in-depth training and experience in a broad range of clinical psychological interventions in the treatment of addiction, dual diagnosis, and complex trauma.

Having worked in the field of addiction for over twenty years, Lee has experience having assessed and treated many clients and families presenting with substance misuse and chemical dependency along with managing and treating trauma. Lee heads the clinical programme for The Cabin and shapes the treatment plan bespoke to individual client needs; so that focused treatment is delivered to address specific individual needs – and thus providing for higher treatment quality that is measurable and progress that is observable to both client and clinician.

Lee’s passion is to provide the best possible clinical quality and experience to ensure that clients have an opportunity to achieve lifelong recovery and are able to be a beacon to others in their lives.

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How to Create a Post-Divorce Budget: Steps to Financial Stability
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How to Create a Post-Divorce Budget: Steps to Financial Stability

Published on
Peter Marples
Peter Marples
Editor at The Divorce Magazine
Director at Fair Result

Sponsored post by Fair Result.

Steps to Regain Financial Stability and Plan for a Secure Future

Divorce can be a challenging and emotional journey and managing your finances during and after this period is crucial for your long-term wellbeing. This blog aims to provide clear, actionable steps to help you navigate your finances post-divorce, regain stability, and make informed decisions for a secure future.

The Importance of a Budget After Divorce

Adjusting to a Single-Income Household

One of the most significant changes after divorce is moving to a single-income household whereas prior to divorce it was a single household with two incomes. This shift requires careful budgeting and financial planning to ensure you can meet your needs and obligations and don’t quickly fall behind and into debt.

The Impact of Divorce on Personal Finances

Divorce often brings about substantial changes in your financial situation. Understanding these changes immediately and their impact on your income, expenses, and overall financial health is essential to navigate this new phase effectively, adapting to your new post-divorce budget.

Assessing Your New Financial Situation

Start by evaluating your current financial status. Make a list of all your assets, liabilities, income sources, and expenses. This assessment will provide a clear picture of where you stand financially and help you plan accordingly ensuring you can obtain financial stability after divorce.

List All Income Sources

Salary, Spousal/Child Support, Investments

Identify all sources of income you have post-divorce. Managing your finances after divorce is crucial. This includes your salary, any spousal or child support payments, and income from investments. Understanding your income streams will help you create a realistic post-divorce budget.

Understanding New Expenses

New expenses can arise after divorce, such as housing costs, utilities, legal fees, and child-related expenses. Listing these expenses will ensure you account for them in your budget. Divorce and money management is essential to your future financial planning

Creating a Practical Post-Divorce Budget

Develop a budget that reflects your new financial reality. Include all your income sources and expenses, and ensure it aligns with your financial goals. A realistic budget is a cornerstone of financial stability. Financial planning for divorcees is important for all parties to the divorce and start to do this as you come to the completion of the divorce process and financial dispute resolution so you are ready when the consent order is finally approved by the court.

Differentiating Between Essential and Discretionary Expenses

Setting Realistic Financial Goals

Distinguish between essential expenses (housing, utilities, groceries) and discretionary expenses (entertainment, dining out). This differentiation will help you prioritise spending and set achievable financial goals. What you would like and what you can afford is going to be very different post-divorce and managing your finances after divorce is imperative and needs to be set in place right at the start. Things will become easier as you adjust to life after divorce.

Emergency Funds and Why They Matter

Building an emergency fund is crucial. It provides a safety net for unexpected expenses, such as medical bills or car repairs, ensuring you don’t fall into debt. A little and often will build up this fund.

Managing Debts and Obligations

Handling Joint Debts and Separating Finances

Address any joint debts you have with your ex-spouse and take steps to separate your finances. This might involve refinancing loans or closing joint accounts. Most of this should be done within the sphere of negotiating the consent order for the financial dispute resolution.

Prioritising Debt Repayment

Create a manageable debt repayment plan that prioritises paying off high-interest debts first. Reducing debt will improve your financial health and credit score. Stick to this plan as you navigate yourself away after the divorce.

How to Rebuild Credit After Divorce

After divorce, your credit score might take a hit. Focus on rebuilding your credit by paying bills on time, reducing debt, and monitoring your credit report. Pay them on time and if there are any problems contact each creditor immediately the problem becomes apparent.

Long-Term Financial Planning

Reviewing and Updating Financial Documents

Ensure your financial documents, such as wills, insurance policies, and pension plans, reflect your new circumstances. Updating these documents is critical for long-term security.

Retirement Planning as a Newly Single Individual

Reevaluate your retirement plan. As a single individual, you may need to adjust your savings strategy to meet your retirement goals.

Seeking Professional Financial Advice

Consider consulting a financial advisor to help you navigate the complexities of post-divorce finances. Professional advice can provide tailored strategies for your unique situation.

Practical Tools & Resources for Financial Stability

Budgeting Apps & Financial Management Tools

Budgeting apps and financial management tools to track your expenses, manage your budget, and stay on top of your finances. It is possible to streamline all your entire expense management using any of the free apps on the App Store.

If you find yourself struggling with your financial situation post-divorce, don’t hesitate to seek professional advice. Call the team at Fair Result to discuss your financial planning pre and post-divorce at any time.

Read more articles by Peter Marples.

About Peter Marples

Peter Marples – Director of Fair Result and qualified accountant, with the determination to change the way divorce is transacted. For further advice on financial settlements and navigating divorce, use the contact details below:

  • Email
  • Give the team a call – 07500933818 or 0333 577 7009
  • Complete an enquiry form

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Resilience After A Relationship Breakdown
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Resilience After A Relationship Breakdown

Published on
Noel McDermott
Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

Resilience isn’t a skill, or a thing that we achieve, it’s how we organise our lives on a daily, weekly, monthly and yearly basis. We can pretty much guarantee that life will throw curve balls at us. It’s not possible to insulate oneself against that, but only possible to be living in a way that means we are more likely than not to walk away from those experiences rather than be ended by them. If life is a care journey, then resilience is the safety belt. If you have never had a crash in your car doesn’t mean you get rid of the seat belt.

So what are the seat belts and the crumple zones of life?

  • Loving, diverse and honest relationships

  • General health and wellbeing lifestyle

  • Self knowledge

  • Broad range of interests

  • Growth mindset

  • Capacity to see the bigger picture

  • Basic needs met – Safety, food, accommodation

When we divorce it’s pretty obvious that some of these resilience factors will be affected. Our basic needs might be at threat and our range of relationships for instance. It may take some time to make those factors more secure, but as we can see other things factor in our capacity to survive the emotional crash. We can turn to our self care and ensure we meet that, we can ensure we keep our hobbies and interests going and not let them slide, we can focus on healthy living by ensuring we exercise and eat properly. 

The fundamental lesson of resilience is that it is achieved via a network of intersecting behaviours and attitudes that don’t work alone. Again thinking about a car crash, the force of the impact is spread through the whole of the car’s system. The crash is spread around the car and therefore is more survivable. The car might end up a right off, but we can walk away. 

Why does having a growth mindset and seeing the bigger picture help?

Studies have shown that one of the useful effects of spiritual beliefs in life is a lesson that it inspires us to go through and experience rather than succumb to it. Believing in the big picture that struggle is an important teacher of growth reduces the risk of depressive collapse or anxious avoidance. It’s not necessary to have a specific belief system but simply to believe that life is not out to get you! As Churchill is ascribed to have said, ‘if you find yourself in hell, keep going’. This ability to keep going and take action is crucial in resilient living. Resilience isn’t a feeling state, it is keeping going. 

What about self knowledge?

It’s not about what you know about yourself, your own personal diagnosis of yourself that is important, but the skills around thinking and behaviour modification that you used to develop the knowledge. Ford used to cream off the top history graduates every year to join their corporate management structure, not because of the knowledge base of for example Tudor Kings and Queens, but because of the skills in dealing with complex information sources and making some sense of that. Similarly in terms of self knowledge it’s not what you know about yourself but the skills you have in continuing to know yourself as you go through change; a personal form of self reflective practice. 

Maintaining your health and looking after yourself should be self evident as a useful thing to do during stressful times of change, but let’s make it easy:

  • Maintain healthy eating habits as much as possible but also be compassionate if you comfort eat. Eat to a timetable not to feelings of hunger or not. Stress messes up your appetite, so use your diary not your feelings.

  • Stay hydrated with water, not wine!

  • Rest and sleep, if you can’t sleep then rest. Maintain good ‘sleep hygiene’ (search that term).

  • Exercise, preferably outdoors if you can manage it.

Above all, be compassionate to yourself and try to say nice things to yourself in your head as much as possible. If you can’t think of any then search for positive affirmations and use some of those lists.

Read more articles by Noel McDermott.

About Noel McDermott

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

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The First Three Places I Travelled to After My Divorce
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The First Three Places I Travelled to After My Divorce

Published on
Laura Ericson
Laura Ericson
Founder
Laura Ericson Group Trips

I’d always been a traveller, but I tended to stick to the typical tourist path and conventional places that were deemed “safe” for female travellers. After my divorce in 2018, I made a promise to myself: I would take advantage of every opportunity to experience new places and step out of my comfort zone. Though it took a few years to find my footing, in 2021 I embarked on a series of transformative journeys that would change my perspective on both travel and life itself. Here are the three destinations that helped me rediscover myself and my love for adventure.

Colombia: Finding Beauty in the Unexpected

My journey began in Colombia, a country that wouldn’t have crossed my radar just a few years earlier. Like many, I had preconceptions about its safety, especially for solo female travellers. What I discovered instead was a hidden gem full of vibrant culture, warm people, and breathtaking landscapes.

In Medellín, known as the “City of Eternal Spring,” I found myself surrounded by perpetually blooming flowers and year-round perfect weather. Walking through Comuna 13, once considered one of the most dangerous neighborhoods in the world, I witnessed how art and community could transform a place. The stunning street art told stories of resilience and renewal – themes that deeply resonated with my own journey.

The lesson Colombia taught me was simple but profound: sometimes the most beautiful experiences lie just beyond our comfort zone. The places we fear might just become the ones that heal us the most.

Mexico City: Rediscovering Adventure in the Familiar

Mexico had always been my “safe” travel destination – the place I visited multiple times growing up and during my marriage, sticking to mostly tourist areas. But Mexico City showed me a completely different side of a country I thought I knew. Instead of predictable resort experiences, I found myself immersed in a sprawling metropolis rich with history, art, and culinary innovation.

In the heart of Mexico City, surrounded by ancient pyramids and modern art museums, I realised how much I had limited myself by always choosing the familiar path. This wasn’t the Mexico I knew from my previous trips – it was better, more authentic, and exactly what I needed to break free from old patterns.

The city taught me that even in familiar places, we can find new adventures if we’re willing to look beyond the surface.

Turkey: Embracing the Unknown

My journey to Turkey marked a complete departure from anything I’d done before. From hot air balloon rides over Cappadocia’s otherworldly landscapes to exploring ancient ruins along the Mediterranean coast, every day brought new wonders and challenges.

What struck me most about Turkey was how my preconceptions about it being “unsafe” melted away in the face of overwhelming hospitality and kindness from locals. Sipping Turkish coffee with strangers who became friends, watching the sunset over the Bosphorus, and getting lost in the Grand Bazaar – these experiences showed me that the world is far more welcoming than we often imagine.

This was the trip that inspired me to start my group travel business. As I stood in a hot air balloon overlooking the surreal landscape of Cappadocia at sunrise, I felt like I found my purpose. In that moment, I gained the courage to make a change: when I got home, I put in my 30-day notice and quit my 14-year career in higher education to start helping other travellers get out of their comfort zones and explore the world off the beaten path.

Turkey taught me that the greatest growth happens when we push ourselves beyond our perceived limitations, trust in the journey, and take big risks.

What These Journeys Taught Me

These three destinations did more than just stamp my passport – they fundamentally changed how I see myself and the world. They showed me that the “dangerous” or “sketchy” places I once avoided often held the most profound beauty and opportunities for growth.

More importantly, these trips helped me rediscover the fearless traveler I’d been in my youth – the one who moved to Spain by herself to teach English and wasn’t afraid to take the road less travelled. Each stamp in my passport became a reminder that I was capable of so much more than I’d allowed myself to believe during my marriage.

The greatest lesson from these journeys wasn’t about the destinations themselves, but about the power of pushing beyond our comfort zones. Sometimes, the best way to heal and grow is to go places that scare us a little – both literally and figuratively.

For anyone emerging from divorce or any major life change, I encourage you to consider taking that trip you’ve always dreamed of. The world is waiting, and you might just find yourself along the way.

Read more articles by Laura Ericson.

About Laura Ericson

Laura Ericson is the founder of Laura Ericson Group Trips, where she leads curated group trips for solo travellers seeking authentic cultural experiences and personal transformation through travel.

Follow her adventures on Instagram @lolawhiskey, join her women-only Facebook Group Lola Loves Travel or visit lauraericson.com to learn more about upcoming trips.

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The Unexpected Gifts of Divorce
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The Unexpected Gifts of Divorce

Published on
Catherine Cooke
Catherine Cooke
Divorce Coach & Owner
Rightstep Coaching

When I realised my marriage was truly over, I felt like my whole world had collapsed. Divorce wasn’t what I had planned for my life. I didn’t get married thinking it would ever end, and facing that reality was devastating.

I ran through every possible what if—what if we tried harder? What if we could fix things? What if I never find happiness again? But the truth was, there was nothing more I could do to change the situation. I had to accept it, whether I was ready or not.

What I didn’t expect was that, over time, my divorce would give me more than it took away. It didn’t feel like that at first, but looking back, I see so many unexpected gifts that came from ending my marriage.

1. Learning to Enjoy My Own Company

I had never lived alone before, and the thought of it terrified me. In the beginning, I found it incredibly hard. The silence was loud, the space felt too big, and I was genuinely worried I would be on my own forever.

Over time, and from pushing myself out of my comfort zone, I started to enjoy it. I had complete freedom to shape my life how I wanted. I could decorate my home exactly how I liked. I could binge-watch the worst reality TV without judgement. I didn’t have to compromise on anything.

More importantly, I learned to love my own company. I went to the cinema on my own. I reframed the deafening silence into peace. By the time I eventually met someone new, I was scared of living with someone else again! Something I never thought would be possible in those first few months.

2. Gaining a New Perspective on Motherhood

One of the hardest parts of divorce was adjusting to not seeing my child every day. That was something I never thought I’d have to face, and at first, I found this incredibly difficult. The first few times he went with his dad, I did not know what to do with myself.

I then realised that being a good mum isn’t about being physically present 24/7—it’s about being emotionally present when you are with your child. Having time to myself made me a happier, more patient, and more engaged mum. And honestly? I learned to appreciate my free time, too. Instead of dreading weekends without my son, I used them to recharge, do things I loved, and invest in myself. I became a better mum because I had found more balance in my life.

3. Realising I Was Stronger Than I Thought

When you go through something as life changing as divorce, you discover parts of yourself you didn’t even know existed.

I had always been quite independent but that didn’t mean suddenly doing everything on my own wasn’t scary. I worried about who would look after me if I was ill, about paying for everything on one salary instead of two, going to social events as a single person when everyone else is a couple.

Divorce forced me to trust myself in ways I never had before. I handled things I never imagined I’d have to deal with, and with each challenge, I realised how strong and resilient I am. I now know that life can throw me pretty much any challenge, and I will be okay.

4. Having the Freedom to Rediscover Myself

For years, I had made decisions based on what worked for my marriage. After my divorce, I had the chance to ask myself, What do I actually want?

So, I started saying yes to things I had always been curious about. As a child, I had begged to go horse riding, but my mum never let me. So, I finally booked a lesson. Turns out, I didn’t love it as much as I thought I would—but that wasn’t the point. The point was that I had the freedom to try, to explore, to do things just for me.

I strengthened old friendships, made new ones, and stopped living according to someone else’s expectations. I didn’t feel trapped in my marriage, but it is only when you live on your own and make all your own decisions that you realise how incredibly freeing that is!

I took a gamble and went on a single parents’ holiday, and it was one of the best things I ever did! My son and I had a brilliant time and made new friends. I also joined a large social group as although I had lots of friends, I didn’t want to feel like I was always taking them away from their partners. I also wanted to meet other single people, but not as a date. This was also one of the best things I did.

5. New Career Opportunities

Initially, I panicked about my future and whether I would cope financially. Fortunately, I had a good career and although I found it difficult to concentrate on it for a few months, it was also something to distract me from what was going on at home. Not long after my separation I was offered a promotion which felt like the last thing I needed at the time but I took it anyway. It turned out to be a great opportunity and I loved my new role for many years. It gave me more flexibility, and more money, which I desperately needed as I had to support myself. In fact, my divorce was the catalyst for an even bigger change—I eventually left my career in teaching and became a divorce coach, helping other women navigate the exact same journey I had been through. I never saw that coming, but it has become one of the most meaningful parts of my life.

Would I Thank My Ex? Not Quite… But I’m Grateful for the Growth

I’m not sure I’ll ever go so far as to thank my ex for divorcing me. But I can say, with absolute certainty, that I am grateful for the person I’ve become because of it.

Divorce didn’t ruin my life. It reshaped it. It forced me to grow, to step outside my comfort zone, and to start living life on my terms. It gave me new experiences, greater self-awareness, and a renewed sense of purpose.

So if you’re in the thick of it, feeling lost and overwhelmed, I want you to know this: you won’t feel this way forever. One day, you’ll look back and realise that this wasn’t just an ending—it was the beginning of something you never expected but probably needed.

About Catherine Cooke

Catherine Cooke, an accredited coach with several years of experience, has supported hundreds of women through divorce via her free support group, membership, and private coaching. A former headteacher, she takes a practical and compassionate approach, helping clients navigate emotional and logistical challenges while minimising conflict. Passionate about keeping children at the heart of decisions, Catherine empowers women to move forward with certainty and direction.

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Therapy and Mindfulness Practices for Self-Discovery After Divorce
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Therapy and Mindfulness Practices for Self-Discovery After Divorce

Published on
Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS
Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS
Clinical Program Director
The Cabin Chiang Mai

The end of a relationship, particularly a marriage, can be one of the most disorienting and painful transitions in life. Divorce shakes the very foundations of identity, security, and future expectations. However, within this upheaval lies an opportunity: a chance to reconnect with oneself, to redefine personal values, and to cultivate resilience. Therapy and mindfulness practices offer invaluable tools for self-discovery and emotional healing, guiding individuals toward a renewed sense of purpose and wellbeing.

The Power of Mindful Reflection

One of the most profound tools in healing after a divorce is the practice of mindful reflection. Divorce often leaves individuals caught in the past or anxiously anticipating the future—rehashing old arguments, replaying regrets, or fearing what lies ahead. Mindful reflection counterbalances this by anchoring attention in the present moment. Simple exercises, such as noticing the texture of a blanket, the scent of morning coffee, or the rhythm of the breath, create moments of stillness in an otherwise turbulent emotional landscape.

“Mindful reflection is a way of giving yourself the permission to pause,” says Lee. “By focussing on small, tangible details, you remind yourself that life is still unfolding, moment by moment. This practice helps in reducing anxiety and preventing emotional overwhelm. It provides a sense of agency, allowing healing to take root.”

Physiologically, mindful reflection supports the nervous system by promoting relaxation and reducing the activation of the stress response. Studies have shown that mindfulness-based interventions lower cortisol levels and enhance emotional regulation (Tang, Hölzel, & Posner, 2015). By bringing attention to the present, individuals decrease stress markers, which in turn lowers heart rate and blood pressure, fostering a state of calm and centeredness. Mentally, it strengthens self-awareness and acceptance, helping individuals to detach from negative thought spirals and self-criticism.

Journaling as a Pathway to Clarity

Journaling provides an outlet for untangling the complexity of emotions that arise during and after divorce. Divorce often triggers a cascade of thoughts and emotions, ranging from anger and grief to relief and hope. Without a structured way to process these emotions, they can become a tangled web of confusion.

“Writing down your thoughts can help you understand what is within your control and what is not,” explains Lee. “Journaling is a simple yet powerful way to gain insight into your needs and values, fostering a deeper understanding of yourself beyond the identity shaped by your former relationship.”

On a neurological level, journaling activates the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for rational thinking and emotional regulation. Studies have indicated that expressive writing enhances cognitive processing, reduces symptoms of depression, and improves overall emotional wellbeing (Pennebaker & Smyth, 2016). It provides an opportunity to reprocess painful memories in a safe way, strengthening cognitive flexibility and reducing emotional distress. Moreover, expressive writing has been shown to improve immune function and decrease symptoms of anxiety and depression.

Negative Visualisation: A Counterintuitive Path to Gratitude

While it may seem counterproductive to reflect on loss after a divorce, the practice of negative visualisation offers a unique form of healing. This exercise involves imagining life without the things we cherish, not to dwell in sorrow but to cultivate a greater appreciation for what remains.

“Thinking about what life would be like without close friendships, family, or even personal health shifts our focus from loss to gratitude,” says Lee. “Divorce may mean the end of a relationship, but it does not mean the end of everything. This shift in mindset fosters resilience and strengthens our sense of inner stability.”

This practice activates the brain’s reward system, encouraging the release of dopamine, the neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and motivation (Berridge & Kringelbach, 2015). In doing so, it helps individuals shift their perspective from one of deprivation to one of abundance, reducing feelings of despair and hopelessness.

Mindfulness Meditation: Training the Mind for Equanimity

Mindfulness meditation has been extensively studied for its impact on emotional regulation. Regular mindfulness practice reduces reactivity to emotional distress while fostering greater control over thought patterns.

“Meditation is not about emptying the mind—it’s about learning to sit with your thoughts without becoming overwhelmed by them,” says Lee. “By cultivating this non-reactive awareness, you learn to navigate emotional pain with greater ease, allowing it to pass rather than consume you.”

Neuroscientifically, mindfulness meditation strengthens connections between the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala, which helps regulate emotional reactivity. Research has shown that consistent meditation practice leads to structural changes in the brain that support emotional resilience and stress management (Hölzel et al., 2011). Over time, this practice reduces stress-related inflammation in the body and increases gray matter density in areas responsible for learning, memory, and emotional balance.

Acts of Kindness: Rebuilding Connection and Meaning

Divorce can create a profound sense of isolation. A once-shared life is now singular, and the absence of a partner can leave a void in daily experiences. One antidote to this loneliness is the practice of small, deliberate acts of kindness. Engaging in kind gestures—whether volunteering, offering a sincere compliment, or reaching out to a friend—reminds individuals of their capacity for love and connection beyond romantic relationships.

“Even small acts of kindness can have a big impact on emotional recovery,” says Lee. “They reinforce our connection to the world around us and remind us that we are not alone in our journey. Giving kindness to others often helps us heal, too.”

Research shows that acts of kindness trigger the release of oxytocin, the hormone associated with bonding and trust, while also increasing serotonin and dopamine levels (Kogan et al., 2010). These biochemical changes create a sense of happiness, reduce stress, and counteract feelings of loneliness.

Embracing the Journey of Self-Discovery

“The journey after divorce is about learning who you are outside of that relationship,” says Lee. “Each mindful step you take brings clarity, strength, and the opportunity for renewal.”

Divorce is not merely an end; it is a transition, a doorway to a new phase of life. The emotional turmoil that follows can feel overwhelming, but with each intentional step—whether through reflection, journaling, meditation, or acts of kindness—individuals begin to forge a new understanding of themselves. Self-discovery is not an overnight event; it is a gradual process of re-learning, re-defining, and re-building.

One of the most important aspects of this journey is self-compassion. Often, individuals exiting a relationship hold onto feelings of guilt, failure, or self-doubt. However, embracing mindfulness and therapeutic practices allows for a more balanced perspective. “Healing comes when we learn to be gentle with ourselves,” says Lee. “Instead of judging our past choices harshly, we must acknowledge that growth emerges from struggle.”

Physiologically, engaging in mindfulness and reflective exercises activates neural pathways associated with emotional regulation and resilience. Practices such as meditation and cognitive reframing help rewire the brain to respond to distress with greater equanimity, reducing stress hormones and fostering a sense of emotional stability. Moreover, acts of kindness, whether directed toward oneself or others, generate a biochemical response that increases dopamine and serotonin levels, promoting feelings of well-being and connection.

Another crucial element of self-discovery is embracing solitude. Many fear being alone after the end of a marriage, but solitude can be a powerful teacher. “Being alone does not mean being lonely,” Lee explains. “It is an opportunity to reconnect with yourself, to rediscover interests, passions, and aspects of your identity that may have been overshadowed in the relationship.”

By shifting focus from loss to possibility, individuals can transform the pain of divorce into an opportunity for growth. Each step taken—whether through journaling, mindful meditation, or reframing thoughts—builds a new foundation upon which to create a fulfilling, independent life.

Ultimately, self-discovery after divorce is about recognising that while a chapter has closed, the story is far from over. “This is a chance to redefine your narrative on your terms,” says Lee. “You have the power to shape your own future, and with time, clarity, and self-compassion, a new and fulfilling life will emerge.”

References

  • Berridge, K. C., & Kringelbach, M. L. (2015). Pleasure systems in the brain. Neuron, 86(3), 646-664.

  • Hölzel, B. K., Lazar, S. W., Gard, T., Schuman-Olivier, Z., Vago, D. R., & Ott, U. (2011). How does mindfulness meditation work? Perspectives on Psychological Science, 6(6), 537-559.

  • Kogan, A., Gruber, J., Shallcross, A. J., Ford, B. Q., & Mauss, I. B. (2010). Too much of a good thing? Emotion, 10(6), 925-929.

  • Pennebaker, J. W., & Smyth, J. M. (2016). Opening Up by Writing It Down: How Expressive Writing Improves Health and Eases Emotional Pain. Guilford Press.

  • Tang, Y. Y., Hölzel, B. K., & Posner, M. I. (2015). The neuroscience of mindfulness meditation. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 16(4), 213-225.

Read more articles by Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS.

About Lee Hawker-Lecesne MBPsS

Lee Hawker is the Clinical Director at The Cabin Chiang Mai.

He is a Registered Member of the British Psychological Society. He graduated from Anglia Ruskin University in the UK with a degree in Behavioural Science and a postgraduate clinical focus on addictions from the University of Bath. Lee is a focused and ambitious individual who has in-depth training and experience in a broad range of clinical psychological interventions in the treatment of addiction, dual diagnosis, and complex trauma.

Having worked in the field of addiction for over twenty years, Lee has experience having assessed and treated many clients and families presenting with substance misuse and chemical dependency along with managing and treating trauma. Lee heads the clinical programme for The Cabin and shapes the treatment plan bespoke to individual client needs; so that focused treatment is delivered to address specific individual needs – and thus providing for higher treatment quality that is measurable and progress that is observable to both client and clinician.

Lee’s passion is to provide the best possible clinical quality and experience to ensure that clients have an opportunity to achieve lifelong recovery and are able to be a beacon to others in their lives.

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The Sensitive Woman's Guide to Building a Growth Mindset in Divorce: Transforming Your Deep Feelings into Personal Evolution
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The Sensitive Woman’s Guide to Building a Growth Mindset in Divorce: Transforming Your Deep Feelings into Personal Evolution

Published on
Sue Bruckner
Sue Bruckner
Holistic Relationship Coach & Founder of Tribe Rising
CEO of With Intention Coaching

As a sensitive soul navigating divorce, you feel everything deeply. The weight of change, the intensity of emotions, the uncertainty of what lies ahead – it all resonates at a profound level. While this depth of feeling can sometimes feel overwhelming, it’s actually one of your most profound strengths. Your sensitivity gives you an extraordinary capacity for growth, transformation, and rebirth.

When you’re feeling everything so intensely, it’s natural to want to protect yourself. You might catch yourself thinking: “I’ll never recover from this,” or “I’m not strong enough to handle this change.” These thoughts stem from what psychologists call a fixed mindset – the belief that our capabilities and emotional resilience are set in stone. But there’s another way to view your journey.

A growth mindset recognises that every challenge, even the heart-wrenching ones, carries seeds of transformation. It’s not about dismissing your pain or rushing through your healing. Instead, it’s about trusting that your sensitivity allows you to process this experience in a way that leads to profound personal evolution.

Embracing Your Emotional Wisdom

Your ability to feel deeply isn’t a weakness – it’s your internal compass. As a sensitive woman, you may have spent years muting your emotions, setting aside your needs, or abandoning your truth to keep the peace. Perhaps you’ve learned to question your feelings, to dismiss them as “too much,” or to hide them away entirely. This pattern of self-abandonment, while protective in the moment, often leaves a void where your authentic voice should be.

Divorce, though challenging, offers a profound invitation to reclaim your emotional experience as wholly and authentically yours. When waves of grief or anxiety wash over you, try sitting with them gently, knowing you’re building a new relationship with your sensitivity. Ask yourself: “What is this emotion teaching me about what I need?” “What parts of myself am I rediscovering through this process?” As you grow your capacity to hold these feelings without judgment, each emotion becomes a doorway to deeper self-understanding and more aligned decision-making. This is how you begin to trust yourself again – by honouring your emotional wisdom rather than pushing it away.

Learning to Celebrate Yourself

Your sensitive nature makes you naturally introspective, yet you may have spent years without truly seeing or celebrating yourself. Perhaps your accomplishments, strength, and resilience have gone unacknowledged – by others and, more importantly, by yourself. Now is the time to change that pattern.

Begin a celebration journal. This isn’t about gratitude for others or external circumstances – this is purely about acknowledging YOU. Each day, ask yourself:

  • “Today, I celebrate myself for…”
  • “I’m proud of how I…”
  • “I want to acknowledge myself for…”
  • “I’m showing up powerfully by…”

At first, this might feel uncomfortable or even impossible. You might hear that inner voice saying “Who am I to celebrate myself?” or “It’s not that big of a deal.” But remember – every step forward, every moment you choose yourself, every time you honor your needs or speak your truth – these are victories worth celebrating.

Your answers will likely surprise you, gradually revealing a woman who is far stronger, more capable, and more resilient than you’ve allowed yourself to recognise. This practice isn’t about ego – it’s about finally seeing yourself clearly and celebrating the woman who is emerging through this transformation.

Creating Your Future Story Through Inner Wisdom

As a sensitive person, you likely have a rich inner world. This gift of deep imagination offers you a unique pathway forward – through dialogue with your future self. She is there, waiting to connect with you, full of wisdom and profound compassion for your current journey. She understands every tear, every moment of doubt, every brave step forward you’re taking now.

Take a quiet moment to sit with her. What would she tell you about the path you’re on? She knows that every choice you make today is paving the way to a future she loves living. She’s proud of your courage, your willingness to honor your truth, even when it feels terrifying. Ask her about the dreams that are quietly waiting to emerge, the parts of yourself that are ready to blossom. Let her remind you that your divorce isn’t just an ending – it’s an invitation to rediscover and reinvent yourself in ways that align deeply with your soul’s longing.

Your future self knows something precious: this transformation, though challenging, is a sacred journey toward becoming more fully yourself. She’s there, cheering you on, holding space for your emergence. When you need strength, connect with her wisdom. When you need reassurance, feel her compassion. She is the living proof that you not only survive this chapter – you use it to create a life that fills you with pride and joy.

Practicing Tender Self-Compassion

Your sensitivity extends to how you treat yourself, particularly in moments of intense emotion. As a sensitive woman, you might find yourself getting frustrated or upset with the depth of your feelings – perhaps criticising yourself for “still feeling this way” or “being too emotional.” This double layer of pain – feeling deeply and then judging yourself for those feelings – is a pattern we can gently transform.

Instead of harsh self-judgment, try speaking to yourself as you would a dear friend going through divorce. When you catch your inner critic chastising you for the intensity of your emotions, pause and ask yourself: “How best can I love myself in this moment?” or “What would love say instead?” These simple yet profound questions can transform your relationship with both your sensitivity and yourself during this transition. Remember, there’s no “right” way to feel during divorce – your emotional experience, in all its depth, is valid.

Daily Growth Practices for the Sensitive Soul:

  • Pay attention to your first thoughts upon waking and your final thoughts before sleep – make these moments intentional whispers of self-kindness and encouragement.
  • Notice and celebrate small signs of your resilience.
  • Honour your need for quiet reflection time.
  • Surround yourself with people who understand your sensitive nature.
  • Trust the wisdom of your emotions while not letting them overwhelm you.

Remember, your sensitivity isn’t a barrier to healing – it’s your pathway to profound transformation. Each day of this journey, you’re not just surviving divorce; you’re evolving into a more authentic version of yourself. Trust in your inner wisdom, honor your pace, and know that this challenge is unveiling strengths you never knew you had.

Your sensitivity is your gift. Let it guide you toward growth, healing, and a new chapter filled with possibilities you’re just beginning to imagine.

About Sue Bruckner

Sue Bruckner is a Holistic Relationship Coach who guides sensitive women through growth-minded divorce and into their next empowered chapter. She is the founder of Tribe Rising, an expert-led sanctuary that uniquely weaves together divorce support, personal development, and the healing power of community. Through this transformative space, women discover they don’t just survive divorce – they thrive. Learn more at: https://wonderful-dawn-34642.myflodesk.com/w751ywo2nj.

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To Live Together or Apart?
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To Live Together or Apart?

Published on
Wendi Schuller
Wendi Schuller
Dating Coach
Author of The Global Guide to Divorce

After divorce, when moving on, there are pros and cons to living together. Would domestic drama drive a wedge in your relationship or are you in sync – both morning larks or night owls?  When newly in love after divorce, little things slip by which can be a deal breaker down the road. It is easy to be caught up in the passion of a new love. Take a pause. Consider practicalities.  What is important to each of you? Here is a check list.

  • Amount of alone time daily
  • Need for quiet (such as for meditation) at a particular time of day?
  • Need for loud music, such as when exercising or running inside
  • Entertaining styles. Having people over at home vs meeting friends out
  • How often to have relatives visit
  • Pets
  • Neatness
  • Splitting chores, tasks
  • Splitting bills, financial issues

A question is whether to move into one of your places or to find a new one together. Some want to start their lives in a new place which does not hold memories of the past. They decorate together, mixing both of their possessions harmoniously.

Logistics can play a part in a decision. If one person wants to stay near elderly parents and the other wants to be by their work, then compromise. It does not have to one or the other. Do both. Stay in each other’s homes frequently, and meet in the middle occasionally for a dirty weekend. The important thing is to have quality time with each other, not necessarily day-to-day.

Anticipation is important, which happens more when living apart. Planning trysts when living separately adds spice to a relationship. It is easier to look glamorous when not living in the same place.

Others who have compatible life styles may enjoy living together. They cook, take on house projects, plan gardens and grow closer with common interests. It is nice to have built in companionship. Someone to binge watch a series with, or pop into a coffee shop or pub on the spur of the moment. Couples have said they enjoy living together and spending more time at home.

Couples have chosen not to live together so family and relatives can drop in whenever. They don’t have to plan ahead and get their partner’s okay. When having clients come to your home for treatments or care, it can get complicated if your partner is present.  Several couples who choose not to live together take trips. They experience intense 24-hours a day intimacy – snuggling at night, waking up together etc. Then they go back to their own homes until their next travel adventure.

A couple in London dated two years before they moved in together. Issues that were okay before, blew up when co-habituating. He is frugal and they had taken turns paying on dates. When living together, he scrutinised every bill and expense. It was a struggle to get reimbursed.  She began keeping score: who cooked, cleaned more etc. The romance got stifled with domestic issues. Their sex took a nose dive.

Have good, honest communication when deciding whether or not to cohabitate. People crave different levels of alone time. An introvert may not want a lover around 24/7, while an extrovert enjoys the company. If you want to live together and not drive each other crazy, is there an area in your house where you can retreat? Some couples are able to cohabitate when they have separate bedrooms. They have different bedtimes or sleep issues such as snoring.

Be creative and willing to compromise. Respect boundaries and do not allow yourself to be pushed into a situation which is not comfortable.

Read more articles by Wendi Schuller.

Wendi Schuller

Wendi Schuller is a dating coach who helps people after divorce and break-ups to start dating again. She is a hypnotherapist, NLP practitioner and a nurse. She wrote The Global Guide To Divorce.  https://globalguidetodivorce.com     

She writes the Jack Jack The Cat series for children.

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Housing Transitions: Moving Forward in your Space or Finding a New Home
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Housing Transitions: Moving Forward in your Space or Finding a New Home

Published on
Caron Kipping
Caron Kipping
Divorce & Separation Coach/IDVA
CK Coaching Ltd

Grieving for the loss

To some people it might seem ridiculous or petty to feel upset about the loss of your family home, but research shows moving home is one of the most stressful life experiences you can go through and it’s not just because of the stressful and often complicated practicalities of moving. It’s because homes are hugely connected to our emotions too – our home is built not just from bricks and mortar but from memories – happy or sad. We have celebrated, mourned, built, rebuilt and put our personal stamp on our home so when we have to let go (particularly if it’s not our wish to let go) it can feel tough.

When you lose your home because of divorce, you are grieving for the loss of the life you thought you were going to have in your home. You have a sense of loss about ‘what could have been’ had your relationship worked out. The sale of the home might reinforce the loss of everything you had before you moved to that house – perhaps you moved away from all your support network and everything familiar, to follow your ex to the home he/she chose and that makes you feel angry. Even if your relationship was abusive there might have been some good times had there. Leaving the family home marks the end of your relationship and the beginning of a new era for you, and that takes time to process and adjust to. 

Moving On

As with other forms of grief, moving forwards takes time – the physical act of moving out can be tough if you haven’t quite managed to let go yet. Many people wish to hold on to the family home after divorce, but you must think it through practically rather than emotionally because often how you feel at the beginning of the divorce changes as you progress through it. Don’t hang on to it because moving on feels scary – think through the practical and realistic pros and cons of leaving it behind and when the answer becomes obvious, go with it – whatever the decision, if you stay or if you go, you will be ok.

Here are some practical tips to help make moving on easier:

  1. Enlist the help of others to assist you with packing- get friends or family involved. It’s much easier and can even feel like fun if you have friends to help you.
  2. Declutter as you go and try to visualise a cathartic process – ‘out with the old, in with the new’ – get rid of bad memories to clear space for new positive ones.
  3. Just start. If you feel overwhelmed by the sheer amount of packing up to do, just start. Start in one corner and focus on clearing and packing one part of a room at a time. Breaking down a huge task into smaller tasks helps it feel more manageable.
  4. Use professionals to help you – If you can afford to, specialists such as https://thehomemover.co.uk/ can help with finding you a new property, moving furniture, changing utilities and unpacking.
  5. Try to see the positives of your new home – it might be smaller but that means less housework and less maintenance! It might feel more secure than your previous home, you might be in a cul-de-sac which is quieter but with nice neighbours, rather than in a big house where you are actually quite isolated. It might be rented rather than mortgaged, but that allows you time to heal, to really consider long-term decisions without rushing and as long as it is a happy home, who cares?! Find the positives.

Creating a New Space

If you are staying in the family home that can still feel tough to begin with – although you don’t have the stress of re-locating, you are surrounded by memories – some of which you might want to forget. Here are some tips to help you reclaim your space and make it a place where you want to be again:

  • Move the furniture around – shift the chair where your ex used to sit to a different position in the room, moving the furniture creates a different feel in the room
  • Buy new bedding, move the bed to a different position if you can or make the bedroom feel different by putting new accessories in there and new happy pictures of you. Move your pillows to the centre of the bed so there is no obvious space on the other side of the bed
  • Put up happy photos in your home – photos of new memories. If you need to keep photos of your ex up for the children, put them in their room so you don’t have to look at them all the time. It’s important you focus on now and the future, rather than the past.
  • Get the paintbrush out and change the colours and space to suit you – if your ex was minimalist, put your trinkets out – if you previously had a grey and white theme throughout, add splashes of colour. It’s yours now, you can make the house suit your personality!

Change is always difficult but it can feel good once you give yourself space to adjust . A happy home is one that is safe, that feels like a sanctuary and is peaceful – wherever that is.

About Caron Kipping

Caron has worked in the domestic abuse sector for many years and now works privately as an accredited Divorce Coach specialising in coercive control and post-separation abuse. Caron is author of ‘Recognition to Recovery – How to Leave your Abusive Ex Behind for Good!’ and creator of her Insights Recovery programme. Caron supports clients through 1:1 coaching sessions, IDVA court support and via her peer support groups and is a highly respected speaker on all aspects of domestic abuse.

https://www.facebook.com/caronkippingcoaching

https://www.instagram.com/caronkippingcoaching

https://www.linkedin.com/in/caron-kipping

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Navigating International Divorce – TDM Expert Interviews
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Navigating International Divorce – TDM Expert Interviews

Published on
chloe-o-contributor
Chloe O.
Alternative Dispute Resolution professional and Certified Divorce Coach
The Divorce and Separation Coach

Introducing the latest transcript blog featuring an insightful interview with Chloe O., an experienced divorce coach specialising in international divorce. In this insightful interview, Chloe shares her expert knowledge on what international divorces are, the unique challenges they pose, and how to navigate them effectively. From dealing with cultural differences and cross-border legal systems to managing emotional stress, Chloe offers invaluable advice on making the process as amicable as possible.

Join us as we explore the common issues that arise in international divorces and practical strategies to help individuals maintain clarity, focus, and resilience during this complex journey.

Read on for the full transcript of our interview, “Navigating International Divorce: Challenges and Strategies.”

 

[Music]

Hello everybody, thank you so much for joining us again on The Divorce Magazine YouTube channel or on the website if that’s where you’re watching it. My name is Dr Soila, I’m the founding editor of The Divorce Magazine, it’s been running for, over 10 years, let’s put it that way, and um, today we have Chloe and um, Chloe has contributed to The Divorce Magazine quite a bit so we like that. Um, really interesting, and extremely informative content that you have sent to us so, if you haven’t met Chloe, please look her up on The Divorce Magazine or, on her Instagram.

Anyway she’ll tell us where to find her at the end of this um, interview so, Chloe is a mum of two pre-teen girls, and has been helping people through divorce and separation for over a decade now since her own um, divorce. I’m introducing you Chloe, I hope that’s okay? She was born in Paris, to a French father and uh, an American mother, and she’s been living in the UK for the past 15 years and is a very active um, member of the expert community.

Um, she has personally experienced divorce twice, um, the first from her father, the father of her children after six years of marriage, and the second divorce was also from the father of her children but in a very different context, where he needed to move abroad suddenly, and um, and that brought up all other issues that that um, included financial issues and child arrangement seeing as they would be living in different countries so the whole thing, kind of was brought up again is that right Chloe? Yeah, and that was a second experience, so given this story um, it’s not surprising the direction that Chloe took, which is to become a non-court dispute resolution, res, resolution professional and a certified divorce coach.

She now dedicates her time as you will see here and in other context uh, she dedicates her time to something particularly purposeful to her, which is supporting others through one of the most difficult and stressful life transitions that they can ever experience in their lives. So welcome Chloe, and, thank you so much for having me, pleasure, for coming and being with us today.

So I’m going to do this a little bit differently than I do with, with other um, interviews. I’ll ask you, tell us about your work, and what it entails. Yeah, so divorce coaches are, are a fairly new um, profession in the UK. Quite established in the US, it really depends on where you are in the world. But basically we insert ourselves between the work of a therapist, and the work of a lawyer. Our, our objective is to support people through the journey of divorce, from one end to the other ideally, and to be there really as their thinking partner, because there are thousands and thousands of decisions that need to be made um, in the context of your divorce and they’re not necessarily legal decisions.

So I work a lot with expat, there’s decisions with regards to which country they want to live in after divorce um, how are they’re going to arrange um, for their children to see both parents if they’re in different countries um, all the questions are around whether the settlement discussions are working the way they want and whether they’re, they can accept the proposals that their ex is making for them, to them. So there’s a lot of different issues that come up and that require some proper thinking. And your friends and family can be really helpful, but they’re not professional, they’re not trained um, I bring that specific training specifically around conflict management and negotiation skills. So my objective is to help my clients to divorce out of court, to reach agreements amicably, doesn’t mean they’re best friends, it means they do it collaboratively. And so I coach them through communication methods, negotiation strategies, and overall how to limit the conflict, so that the divorce can be as fast, as cheap, and as conflict free as possible.

And that can’t be easy because we already know because I’ve been through divorce myself, and we already know just how emotional, people can get when they’re going through divorce and what emotions can, arise in them and how, that can just bring the whole process to unravel and become quite conflictual. Yeah. Absolutely and big part of my job is helping people to identify these emotions, recognise and accept them, but also to make sure that they don’t tint their decision-making.

So the processes around fact-based decisions, because those are decisions you’re going to have to live with for quite a while after your divorce um, you want to make sure that they’re not made in the spur of the moment based on, on short-term emotions, but that they’re really thought through, and that you’ve, you know, compared those decisions to your long-term objectives, and to your children’s wellbeing needs. Yeah, yeah.

So today we’re looking at international divorces um, yes, which actually is so important because the world has become so small, it’s not a big, big world where trouble was much more complicated now it’s so much easier to travel and to settle in different parts of the world.

What is the process when going through an international divorce?

So why don’t you talk us through what you, what you have found or what the process is when you’re working with people who are going through or might end up going through an international divorce. Yeah, well I mean I think in general, you know, an expatriation or a national marriage all amazing opportunities, you get to learn about someone else’s culture, you get to go live in a new country, and discover a whole new world of, of opportunities new ways of thinking. What it does do though, is it, it does take tend to create a strain on the couple, it can create an imbalance. A lot of my clients have been the ones following their spouse um, either to, to their home country or they travelled together before the spouse’s job, and so they have had to put their own career on the, on the back burner a little bit, they have had to leave their own friends and family behind to follow this romantic relationship um, and, and what happens that a lot of couples have a hard time finding a new balance, that that works for them in that new context.

So there’s a lot of thinking that needs to go into the decision to move abroad even before um, you know you’re anywhere near divorce but once you get to the stage of divorce, it is particularly difficult, when you’re in that situation. First of all you’re far away from your friends, your family, your support network um, sometimes you’re getting divorced in a country where you don’t even speak the language, or you don’t speak it very well. You don’t know how the how the legal system works there, none of your friends and family can tell you, you know share advice because they divorced in another country um, and then there’s a lot of kind of legal elements to it that become complicated that don’t arise in a local divorce, and so that’s where having somebody who’s specialised and who can really guide you through, um, all those different implications for the divorce, that your typical lawyer or typical divorce coach wouldn’t be informed about um, that value is, is, is tremendous because that avoids making really costly mistakes later on.

What is an international divorce?

Yeah, yeah can I, I just realise that what, what do we actually mean by an international divorce? I, I just thought to myself that some people might see think about it that um, okay so you’re having your wedding and you go and you have it in Barbados, and then you’re going through divorce, do you get divorced, is that an international divorce where you have to go to Barbados to get the divorced you have it here? Or is it where you have a divorce while you’re living in, you move, you know immigrate to Barbados and you’re living there and then you go through divorce while you’re there?

So that there are very complex rules around which country is eligible to deal with a divorce and I, I would let a, a lawyer answer that question because it will depend on the country and there’s a lot of different conventions that regulate that, but that is one of the biggest decisions that people have to make very early on, with regards to their divorce is, which country do we get divorced in, and if they have ties to different countries, um, if one of them’s from France and the other one’s from the UK um, it might be that both countries would recognise their right to, to rule on this divorce.

That being said, every country has very different rules, very different laws, different ways of approaching divorce, you know, in the UK we’ve, since 2022 we have No Fault Divorce so you don’t need to prove any wrongdoing as for a divorce, in some countries you do. So you’re not going to approach it the same way, so that decision of choosing the right place for you to divorce has a lot of implications it’s not you know some countries take a lot longer to get divorced and some are a lot more expensive just because legal fees are more expensive um, there’s all kinds of rules that come into play with regards to how long you might have been married, or how long you’ve been separated, to be able to divorce. So you need to spend time understanding all of those differences, so that you can make an informed decision, and that’s usually one of the ones that most of my, my clients struggle with very early on, it’s an important decision yeah, okay.

What advice would you give to a parent who wants to relocate as a result of getting a divorce?

So let’s take an example, of a couple living in the UK, and they’re both from, you know um, which country sh, shall we pick they’re both from Kenya. O kay, they come here, and they’re, they’re living here married um, have children, and then they start going through a divorce, yeah, and one partner wants to take, you know, the mum says for instance, well we are having a divorce, I don’t need to be here anymore, I’m moving back to Kenya with my children. Um, do you have any advice as to how to manage that because that can be so difficult for the children for the, um, dad, and for the mum you know, how any…

It’s one of the big challenges that comes up in international divorce especially, in the example I was stating of people following being the one who followed their spouse. They were there for that person, it often doesn’t make much sense for them to stay in that country if they’re no longer married. Plus, you know when you’re get divorced it’s tempting to go back to somewhere that’s familiar and where you have your friends and family, so relocation comes up a lot and when you’re bring the kids with you, it becomes very complex. Um, there’s a lot of rules that you know that prevent you taking your without permission of the other parents, you’re not allowed to kidnap the child even if you don’t see it as kidnapping, as you think it it’s just taking travelling abroad with your child, so you need to be really careful about how you do that and understand the local laws, with regards to that.

But in general it’s a very difficult thing to uh, to force the other person to do through the legal system which means that it is typically something that you want to negotiate. You want to sit down with your spouse and say listen this is why I think it’s in the best interest of the children for us to go back to Kenya in your example, this is how we would work, this is what I suggest, and really try as much as possible to bring them along on that journey and to get them to understand the value, of the children and to agree to all of the, the nitty gritty of how it’ll work.

So I have a template that I, I make available for free on my website, to help people plan long-distance co-parenting, because there’s a lot of things to think about. Who’s going to pay for the children’s flights back and forth, from what age can they go on their own, who takes care as of Visas, if there’s need for visas in one country or the other, who keeps the passports, um, how is contact maintained outside of those times of visitation, what does that mean in terms of devices you provide to the child, so the other parent can contact them. There, there’s just so many dimensions that you need to anticipate, and the more you can document those up front, the less conflict you get later on, because both parents are on the same page and have agreed as to how it’s going to work. So that’s something I spend a lot of time working with my clients because it’s very common that they, they want to go back to their home country. Yeah, yeah.

Have you experienced any cases where relocation is not possible post-divorce?

And do you know of any cases where, that had, you know, maybe the dad, or the mum, has wanted to relocate well I’ll come back to that one, but um, and the, the judges have said I’m sorry you can’t relocate, I know this is more like a legal issue but you know from, from the work that you do, have you met any families where the relocation has not been possible post-divorce?

There’s case where, there’s places where it goes, it goes to court, and you know it’s a bit of a Russian Roulette when you go to court, you never really know what the judge is going to decide. In general, it ends up with a very binary decision, you know, one parent has the, the children and the other doesn’t. The beauty of negotiating the agreement, is that you can round the edges a little bit, you know it’s always going to be binary you’re not going to send the child to school, you know, halfway between Kenya and the UK, but um, you can still make, make it happen in a way that allows parent who’s being left without the children, to feel like they’re still very involved in part of the children’s day-to-day life, and that’s where you need to really speak to each other, to find the best possible arrangements for you and for your children. Yeah.

Yeah, and I think that’s where the children really come into you know very child-centred, very child focussed, what’s the best thing for the children, especially, probably if one parent had, both parents have been very active in their lives and then they lose, the presence of one parent you know pretty much, you know as it was, then you know the distance grow not just geographical distance, but also, relational distance. The you know, the wellbeing and the best interest of the children are always the paramount priority for any court, so if it did go to court, that’s what they would look like and each parent would have to show, how it’s better for the children to be in X or Y country. Yeah, so you know whether it’s just having the conversation directly with your, your ex or if it’s through the courts, you need to be able to articulate why this is better for the children, and how it would work in practice. Show that you’re not trying to alienate the other parent, um, that there really is no ill intent there, it’s purely because it feels like the right thing to do for the children at this stage. Yeah, yeah, okay.

In your experience, what was it like when your ex-spouse decided to move countries? How did the dynamic change?

If I can use your example, your life’s example, for your life’s experience as an example, where you were, I’m assuming you were in the UK, and then your ex was the one who was going to, to leave. Um, and you had already come to some kind of agreement, and you know, and all of that so what, what changed what um, you see what I’m asking? Yes well a lot changed and partly because, the way we handled the first the actual divorce, versus the second uh, iteration was very different. So when we originally got divorced um, we got divorced very amicably, we prepared a lawyer which you were able to do and got divorced in France, you could do that at the time in France, and you know we spent a thousand pounds, three months of our life and that was it, it was sorted and he lived 10 doors down the street, saw the children very regularly, we weren’t best friends, but we got on, and we were able to co, to co- parent at least together um, and then you know several years down the line, things had changed, he had met somebody new, I actually had met somebody new too, but the influence of this new person in his life, led to him moving abroad. And that transition was not handled nearly as smoothly as the first one, um, partly because I wasn’t aware that he was moving abroad, it happened suddenly um, and so there was a long period of uncertainty I didn’t know where he was, before finally receiving a lawyer, a letter from a lawyer telling me that he’d moved abroad.

So the way it was handled and the fact that, we didn’t speak to each other directly at any point during that process, and it lasted about a year, the negotiation, and the court process, we did didn’t speak to each other because, he was intent on only communicating via lawyers, so it cost both of us a fortune it took a long… Yeah, I was just thinking how much that would have cost. Oh it goes so quickly, we were just talking about it the other day, we were reminiscing now we get on nicely but at the time, it was incredibly difficult for our relationship, I felt very betrayed by the fact that I had been blind, blindsided by his departure, um, I can’t speak for what he felt but, there was a lot of tension, and what the difference was, between our ability to co-parent originally, and after that happened, was night and day.

The collaboration, the communication, even the quality of the time of the, the transitions when, when the children were going from me to him, or him to me, um, you know originally we used to meet for coffee and just have coffee out together and then the children will go off with one of us. Um, for a long time after high conflict divorce, um, I couldn’t even look him in the eyes, the transition, were you know the handovers happened at the front door to about 8 seconds, and ended up with the door being shut in someone’s face, and you know that has a huge impact on the children. It’s horrible for the parents, but the children get to see their parents not even being able to speak to each other, and so the cost of that, is massive, and that’s where having those, those conversations early on about what would happen if one of us moved abroad, would have really helped prevent a lot of those issues.

How do you manage the child arrangements in an international divorce?

Yeah. Yeah. So how did you manage that child arrangement? Because as you was saying before the, the, the divorce before the, um, interview started, we’re just saying it’s already hard enough getting to an amicable or, an agreed child arrangement when you’re in the same city, or the same town, or the same village, um, compared to live alone being in the same country, how do you manage child arrangement?

The advantage we had, is that there was no um, there was no conflict about where the children were going to be living because he had um, left with so we weren’t fighting around, you know, the main residence of the children. Uh, but there was a lot of back and forth around the logistics for holidays um, and which countries they could travel to, who would come and pick them up and whether in this case he had to come pick him up in London, or whether I could bring him to wherever he was, um, notice periods, if things need to change, and how that would happen, and I think there’s a lot of things that in hindsight, I would have handled lot better uh, that now I think, now I have to live with these agreements and actually some bits of it don’t work for me, but we’ve put so much time and effort and pain, into reaching them that, we’re just kind of living with what, what we’ve got, but I’d like to share those lessons with people who are in those earlier stages of divorce, to make sure that they think through, what that feels like, what that looks like in practice when they agree to certain things.

So, so one example is, you know oftentimes somebody will want to take the children back to their home country, and they’ll tell the other spouse, or the ex-spouse, in exchange you can have the children for all school holidays. Which seems like as much as they can give right, it’s all the available time, but for the person who is taking the children with them, that means they will never again spend a school holiday with their children. That’s quite a big implication, it depends how old they are, but if they’re young, that could be 10 years, 15 years of never taking a holiday with your children. You have to think through these kind of proposals, and really make sure that it’s something you can live with in the long term, and that’s not going to cause problems down the line. Yeah, yeah because otherwise the one who’s not having holidays with their children they become, the strict parent, and the other one is a fun parent, which happens a lot.

How would you solve the issue of who is having the children and when?

Um, so that’s one thing so how would you solve that that issue for example, who’s having the children when, while one parent is in the UK for instance, and the other one is in Kenya? The issue is really individual for each family because it depends on their children, depends on how old they are, and how they react to change, how attached they are to each parent, how long they’ve been living in the country where they’re being taken from, so there’s a lot of different factors but, in, in general the best thing to do is to try and maintain as much regular contact as possible.

So people get very hung up about the holidays, and that makes sense because that’s when you get to actually see your child, but what creates a relationship, is that ongoing contact, and how do you make sure that the parent who’s far away, is still part of the children’s daily life, that they’re involved in health care decisions, education decisions, parent teacher meetings, all of those things how do you plan for that in a way that they can be put brought in on Zoom, or in some other way, and that they’re involved but really so they can stay close to their, their children, and then the other element is culture. I mean in your example both parents were from Kenya, but if you’ve got, you know, for example the father who’s British, and the mother is Kenyan, and she take children back to Kenya, it may be that the father’s worried and the children’s English is going to get less good, or that, they’re going to lose touch with their British culture, and so how do you build that into the children’s routine so that both parents remain, you know, part of their day-to-day life, and the influence of both parents remains part of their day-to-day life.

Yeah, and these days is so, there’s so many ways of keeping in touch like you’re saying, a parenting meeting you can call in for you know, on Zoom or on Teams or, you know, yeah, you can yes exactly, you just need to have your phone really with you, to plan ahead, to make sure that you’re thinking of time differences and, you know, letting the other person know as well about the times of the appointments. And I’m assuming that when you’re making those, you know, the structured co-parenting plan, um, that you keep in mind the ages of the children because now they’re two and four, but when they get to 14, they can fly on their own, you know, so what will that look like or, you know um.

That’s a big element Soila, because I think in general whether it’s an expat divorce or not, um, a lot of people tend to design their parenting plans based on today, and what the children need and, and do and, and they’re at today, and they forget to think about the future, and when they’re going to grow up, and things like at what age can they travel on their own, you know, if your children are two and four today, you probably don’t have that in mind at this stage you know it seems so far away, but really thinking about the long term and how that will work. What also happens if one of the two parents meet somebody new, how will that person be introduced, how will they be eased into the children’s lives. If you can anticipate all of that, at a time where you’re not in the heart of the storm, when you’re not living those events that can trigger a lot of emotions, you can anticipate, and look at them more cool-headedly, and make decisions that are actually in the best interest of the children, rather than based on emotions in in the moment of crisis. Yeah.

Oh there’s so much that is going on through my mind as you’re speaking, even when, when you started speaking about, what if they met somebody new, and I’m thinking okay, the parent who doesn’t live with their children, like um, the parent who’s left in the UK, who only sees the children, you know holiday time for instance, and the children are so excited to come and see their parent here, and then the parent has met somebody else, at what point do you introduce this person to them, the kids want to come and hang out with their parent and then oh, there’s this other person in the house, and where’s, I want my time with my mum or my dad and you know, so it can just cause so many other, um, so many things to think about.

So I’m assuming one of the things you’re saying is that make the plan as structured as possible but not set in stone. Well you know what I, I think there there’s two sides to that. Not set in stone in stone because life, and things change, and children grow, and circumstances change, so you can never sign a co-parenting agreement, you know, when your when your children are two and four and say that’s going to stand until they’re 18, the reality is will not let you do that, um, that being said, I think that it’s important to have a baseline, when having a discussion and documenting decisions you make as a couple, around how things will work, allows everybody to be on the same page.

It takes away a lot of the disagreements later on, because usually it’s the fine print that leads to conflict uh, so things around, if you need um, to have to get papers from the other parent to renew the children’s passports for example, how long ahead of time do you need to ask them, and what’s the timeline by which they need to provide those? That can cause, I’ve seen so many people have so much conflict around that because they’ve booked an appointment at the embassy they’re ready to go for the passports and the other parent hasn’t sent the documents, and they’re arguing, and this is a very small example, but it leads to so much back and forth and so much tension between the parents, and it’s just not necessary. If they just agreed, will, you know, any request will be made for weeks ahead and you have two weeks to provide them that’s it, everyone knows where they stand.

It doesn’t mean you can’t be flexible, if your ex is on holiday at that time and says I can’t send them right away it’ll be an extra week, it’s fine, but you have an agreed baseline, and I think that’s where the beauty of a documented arrangement is, is really live yeah, okay.

Thank you so much, but before we, how can people reach you Chloe,? Where can they find? So they can reach me by through my website, I have a link there to book a free discovery call, I always offer a free touch point, to get to know each other, to make sure that I’m the right person to help them, to make sure for them, to make sure that they’re comfortable speaking to me, and that I’m the right person for them, and just making sure it’s a good match. So they can book a free discovery call we have that informal chat, and they can decide at that stage whether they want to continue or not.

I do encourage people to check out my website because there are as you said earlier, a lot of free resources, I write blog articles, I have a podcast, I have a newsletter, do videos there’s a lot of information there, and I’m a very strong believer that information is key. It is really the power that allows you to handle your divorce properly. And you do have the free download? Yes everything is, is there for free it’s really a wealth of information, the idea is that people can gather that information and then we can work together to make sure that we’re tailoring the journey to their specific family. Yeah, okay. Thank you so much Chloe and um, thank you for having me, contact details at the you know at the bottom and people can contact you through that, and um, yeah, thank you and you know please keep sending your articles through, they’re amazing, well thank you so much, thank you, take care.

[Music]

Read more articles by Chloe O.

About Chloe O.

“My name is Chloe O., I am an Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) professional and a Certified Divorce Coach. I specialise in working with women to help them reduce conflict during and after divorce by improving their negotiation and communication skills with their spouse. The objective is to work towards an amicable divorce outcome in order to minimise the emotional and financial cost of divorce. I work with all types of clients but I have extensive experience in supporting expatriates and international families who are dealing with the unique situation of living abroad during and after their divorce, with limited local family support, language barriers and relocation considerations.”

For more information about my work and services (including my Podcasts, newsletter, myth-buster videos…), you can visit my website and/or follow me on Instagram, Facebook or LinkedIn.

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How to Handle a Narcissist Ex Partner
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How to Handle a Narcissist Ex Partner

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Margaret Ward-Martin
Margaret Ward-Martin
Founder
The Grace Project

It would be misleading to write a prescriptive list of next steps because one of the key stressors of dealing with a narcissist – ex or otherwise – is unpredictability. Their reaction to a break-up is often rage, mortification, blame, threats, emotional manipulation, and guilt tripping.

They may do this by:

  1. Blaming you for the relationship failing and accusing you of not trying hard enough or being selfish.

  2. Threatening to harm themselves if you don’t give it another go or say their own family is getting ill because of the breakup. This is guilt tripping.

  3. Hoovering or sucking you back into the relationship by love bombing and telling you all the things they know you want to hear.

  4. Future faking and selling you a fantasy. This is another strategy whereby they assure you, very dramatically, that they will not only change but promise to give up their addiction or get a job or stop cheating and gambling. This time it will be different. Another con.

  5. Faking crises and amplifying illness. This could be by implying that they or your children are in danger and need help. This justifies contacting the non-narcissistic parent. An example might be where the narcissistic parent informs the other that their child has a (fabricated) terminal illness or is in (imaginary) danger. When trying to go no contact this may be the narcissist’s go to. It’s a way of trying to regain control. They will go to extraordinary lengths to convince you and others that the illness or danger is real.

  6. Threatening revenge. This may be by saying they will leave you homeless or bankrupt when you leave or threaten physical harm. It is highly likely that they will threaten to take your children away from you. This is plain cruelty and will leave you feeling traumatised.

  7. Lie about you. Narcissists lie. They lie pathologically and compulsively, and they will do this when you reject them. You will be painted in the worst light. It might be that they contact your employers and clients, family and friends and will lie about you and they rarely miss the opportunity to try and outsmart you in Court.

  8. Stalking is another way the narcissist can continue to try to control you. This is possible on several levels: in person, through social media, spy wear on your phone or computer and even using tracking apps on your children’s phones. Report this to the police or discuss it with your solicitor.

Now you know what to expect – what can you do?

  • Set boundaries and stay safe. Avoid meeting in person. If this is unavoidable, ensure you have someone with you that can bear witness and help you to remove yourself from the situation.

  • Report stalking at once. Sometimes, when you have been in an intimate relationship you give the other person far too much credit for being a stable, decent human being. Avoid being sentimental. Keep to the forefront of your mind the reality that this person has caused you harm. They may turn up to your place of work, follow you to known haunts and follow you and your friends on social media. Stalking is a crime and calls for police involvement.

  • Do not tolerate abuse. Be determined to shut down a raised voice or abusive text by walking away or blocking and reporting them.

  • Document and record everything you can. This is helpful when obtaining an injunction or in cases with shared parenting arrangements. Narcissists are unlikely to want to use co-parenting apps because they cannot access you. By collating this written witness, it is helpful when a Court ordered arrangement is being considered.

  • If you need to have contact for co-parenting or shared pet purposes, use a co-parenting app. If this is not possible, use text messaging or email to correspond. Then you have everything in writing thus avoiding only having your word for it which can easily be discredited.

  • Establish a support system and, if you feel unsafe, speak with the police, and open a case file. Learn about relationship trauma and narcissistic abuse. There are worthwhile free online resources to help with your learning.

  • Speak to your employer or your children’s schools and inform them of what is going on. Children who witness domestic abuse are also victims of domestic abuse. HR departments are likely to have a domestic abuse protocol in place.

In terms of healing, take time to:

  • Work on your own blind spots. The narcissist is plausible and manipulative. Avoid attributing genuine human emotion to them. They are consummate imitators and very convincing. They know how to look and what to say so do not be manipulated by theatrics. The contortions of angst and tears of declared sorrow are not of remorse or empathy, but of rage at being close to being exposed and murderous anger because you are holding your boundaries. They have a bottomless capacity for self-pity and do not have the capacity for empathy so hold your nerve.

  • Acknowledge “withdrawal” from a narcissistic partner that can result in symptoms comparable to that of an addict. This is not a judgement, it’s the science of intermittent reinforcement. Think of a slot machine – just as you are about to move on – the symbols align, and you get enough of a payout. And you stay. The same in relationships – you get a reward just as you are about to leave. It’s science. This can apply to other narcissists in your life; parents, children, employers, friends – you get the picture. Therefore, prepare for withdrawal symptoms and, if you can, find a specialist therapist and make effective use of domestic abuse charities who have an increasing understanding of these psychological processes.

  • Distance yourself from your ex. If an ex contacts you to say they are going to harm themselves, call 999 immediately. You are not responsible for the narcissist’s behaviour. They are unlikely to repeat this if police officers turn up to their place of work to check on their wellbeing.

  • Stay the course and avoid giving your ex the benefit of the doubt. Ever. They are professional victims and do not consider themselves accountable. They feel entitled to behave in the manner they do because they are owed this much at least.

  • Understand why you suddenly become isolated. It is likely that you will be alienated because of your decision to leave. Your narcissistic ex will lie about you, reveal your fears, sexual history, health issues – they will fabricate a falsehood that portrays them as a victim. They may even go one further and present themselves as a survivor who wishes to help other victims. It is especially vicious when they alienate you from your own children and family. It is shocking but not at all surprising.

  • Manage your expectations that the ex will change. You may be tempted to hold on to hope but please don’t. They will not change but what they will do is waste more of your time and life if you let them. Avoid judging the range of emotions you are likely to feel, depression, loss, grief, pathological loneliness, and sadness. You may also feel angry and blame yourself. The abuse you have suffered is not your fault.

  • Prepare for the worst and seek support from worthy friends who will help you through social and parental alienation, deliberate attempts to sabotage your new life, financial ruin, and lengthy legal cases – the list goes on. And be ready for the long haul. Narcissists find it difficult and often impossible to separate, and will try to control you by proxy. Your ex is likely to use any means necessary to torture you and discredit you. This may include the legal system, your family and friends or employer and your children. They will attempt to manipulate them to pervert your relationship with the people important to you.

  • Focus on your mental health and understand the trauma you are going through. Gaslighting and deprivation of physiological, social, and emotional needs will take a toll. There is a specific type of trauma – post relationship trauma – that needs to be worked through. Take your time and grieve. There is a loss. Distance from the narcissist and from the relationship will help you to heal but there may be flashbacks, a sense of dread, anxiety, and other symptoms. These are all perfectly “normal” responses to an abnormal situation.

About Margaret Ward-Martin

Counsellor Margaret Ward-Martin holds over 30 years’ experience in the mental health industry as a teacher, coach and therapist. She founded The Grace Project in 2021 to raise awareness about emotional and psychological abuse in the world in which we live.

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