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Dealing with Divorce on Different Levels Over and Over Again

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Life doesn’t always go the way you want or plan that it will go. It moves at its own pace, which is usually faster or slower than you would like it to. It moves in its own direction. That’s life! You can try to make life move, or you can move in the flow of life.

Iyanla Vanzant

 

Caroline Palmy
Caroline Palmy

It was my youngest 9th birthday. We’ve been separated for over 3 years by then. I was confident all my children had dealt with the issues, and that all was well. I felt like we have come through the worst, and that it was only smooth sailing from then on, that we have all accepted the new situation and could move on.

He hasn’t seen his Dad in over a year, and he was overjoyed to go out for dinner with him, to celebrate his 9th birthday. I was very happy for my son, that he will see his Dad again, and knew he will have a great time. Dad picked him up after school and took him to his office, where they were hanging around till Dinner time. What a great excitement for my little son.

When he returned home that evening he was very excited, and shared his new toys, and brought home left over Pizza ‘Mom the very best Pizza ever’ he exclaimed. I was so happy for him, and so glad it all went well with his Dad. Good, finally a start to a new father-son relationship, I hoped.

Then my little boy started to talk ‘crazy’

‘Mom, there are pictures of you all over in Dad’s office’

‘Mom, Dad really cares about you’

‘Mom, Daddy still loves you’

‘Mom when will you and Daddy be back together?’

And on and on he went in his full excitement. I couldn’t believe my ears. Where did this all come from? I was devastated, I was exhausted, and I was disappointed, yes I was. I felt like we went through hell and back for nothing, as we are right back there, all over again.

I was heartbroken, seeing the sparkles in my son’s eyes, knowing, I will be the one to burn all his hope. I wasn’t sure what really happened, and I just knew, I had to bring my son back to hard reality, I had to be very blunt and absolutely truthful.

I was angry, I admit, at my Ex for not being honest, for being too afraid to burst this dream. Once again, I was left with delivering the bad news. I wished once in my life, I would get some kind of support, alas not this time.

I took my son, who was over excited, over sugared, hyped up on Coca Cola and too happy to ride his fantasy to have his deepest wish become true. I felt his pain, I could see the old wound, I could feel his loss, and I knew, I have to be absolutely honest and truthful. How awful to devastate his dreams, but it had to be done.

I held him close, I looked into his eyes, and I told him ‘Son, I know, how much you miss your Dad, I know how much you want a happy family, and I understand that, and I wish it would be different too, BUT Mom and Dad will never ever be together again’

dealing with divorceHe looked at me, I saw his eyes turn, I saw the tears and I felt the anger come up, and I dealt with the blow, his sorrow and his hurt. I listened to his accusations, his pain and his anger.

I knew deep down, that he was just hurt, and he was only angry at me, for blowing his dream, he didn’t really mean what he was saying then, it was just all coming out of him.

I just sat there and let it all wash over me, and then I let him run off to his room, I didn’t mind him banging the door, and I let him cry it out, get it out of his system. I knew, when he was ready he would come down again. I learnt from other experiences, that he needs his time on his own, and that after the storm there is time for a hug.

When he finally came down, he climbed onto my lap, we had a very very long hug, and we just were, deeply understanding and loving, and I was very grateful for my children, that I was part of their life, and that they were around me all the time.

I was thinking of all the mothers out there, who could not do so, and I was humbled and happy and very very grateful. Yes I had to deal with all the pain and I had to be the one explaining things, and yes sometimes I got tired of my 24/7/365 job, but deep down, I knew, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

I wanted to be here for my kids, and if that meant to take the blow, if life isn’t going the way the kids want, then I take it. If it means that my 9 year old is acting like a terrible two again, that is ok. We are all humans, and I am so grateful I am part of their life.

We talked again, and I told him, I understand how much he misses his Dad, and that I wish it would be different, but that I can’t change it. He cried some more, and on and on

We watched a TV series, where he commented on several male actors, how they would be a great dad, and later he said

‘Mom, I just wish I had A dad’

 The 2nd part of Caroline’s story can be found here – Dealing with Divorce Part 2

Caroline Palmy

Find more articles by Caroline here – Caroline at The Divorce Magazine

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life post-divorce

Losing Family Members Post-Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

One would think family members would be supportive during divorce, but that is not always the case.

There are a myriad of reasons for this with one being not wanting to take sides. My mother would often hang up on me when I called during my divorce. She had a summer place, so this necessitated having a girlfriend drive over to her house and tape a note to her door.

My husband and I jointly owned a house with her, so financial discussions were imperative during these proceedings. She wanted to pretend this event was not happening.

Fortunately she gave unconditional love and support to her grandsons. Be forewarned that this could happen to you.

Some relatives may have anger towards you. While they are unsupportive, it does not mean that they are on your spouse’s side. It could be that your divorce elicits painful memories of theirs and they do not want to relive them. Do you have a relative who is just a bitter, mean person? Your divorce is another thing to hold against you.

Remember that this nonsupport and unkindness is their issue. It is something that they are dealing with, even though it can be hurtful for you. In one case there was paternal abuse and the sons had very limited visitation. The grandfather told a crying grandson over the phone, that they were severing ties unless those boys resumed a relationship with their dad.

How do you deal with unsupportive relatives?

One solution is to limit visits to an hour or so once a month, never on a holiday. You might consider meeting in a public place for these. If something rude is said, leave immediately. Decide what you will and will not tolerate and go from there.   It may be best to limit contact to holiday cards in more extreme cases.

I informed my step-mother that in abuse situations it was not therapeutic for children to have close family members stay in contact with the abusive parent.

My sons even told her specific details. I acknowledged that this was her choice either way, however if she stayed in contact with my ex, we would only be able to share superficial aspects of our lives, nothing personal. When she continued to mention that their father was feeling hurt, then we had to pull away and only exchange cards.

One woman’s step-sister resented her intrusion into the family from day one. After this woman’s divorce, the toxic step-sister made a big point of staying in touch with that ex online. Reducing or eliminating contact may be the only option for protecting you and your children.

In a few divorces, family members want to stay in contact, but have obstacles.

After a man divorced his wife, she fell apart and her health condition worsened, requiring intermittent hospital stays. Her pre-teen daughter was at the stage where they start distancing themselves from their parents.

Anne became enamoured with her new glamorous step-mother. This narcissistic woman swept Anne away   as if she were a trophy prize. Meanwhile Anne’s maternal grandparents tried desperately to maintain a relationship with her, but were thwarted by the step-mother and father. I urged them to get a solicitor to help sort out this situation and apparently they chose not to.

They gave up when their daughter died and moved far away. On a happier note, nieces by marriage told their aunt that she was to “get custody” of them in her divorce. That was a sweet way of letting Dana know that they were continuing their relationship with her post-divorce.

You may have a close, loving relationship with your in-laws. In divorce this can change if they feel it is disloyal to their offspring to remain in contact with you. Or the relationship may change to a more casual one.

You can certainly contact your in-laws and let them know you would be happy to bring their grandchildren around from time to time. If your best buddy is your former wife’s brother, then there will be a sense of loss if you are dropped.

Acknowledge your grief. In the vast majority of times, family sticks by the divorcing person. If this is not your case, be reassured that you are not alone and it is not your fault.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

 

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Deal with divorce
Children deal with divorce differently depending on age

Children Deal with Divorce Differently

Published on
Dealing with Divorce Pain
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist, Family Mediator
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

We all know and understand that each child is different and how he or she handles divorce will be unique to them.  Yet we are also probably aware that the reaction that they have will also depend on their age or developmental stage.

So how  a 5 year old takes the news and deals with the experience will be different to that of a 10 year old as it would be for the 15 year old sibling.

Some children are so young when their parents divorce that they don’t ever remember them being together. Others are old enough to always remember what took place, what they were doing when they found out about it and how it affected them.

Depending on the situation and circumstances, for some children it is nothing more than knowing that their dad won’t be living in the same house with them while for others it maybe a complete change of life from the way they have always known it.

Very young children, even those that aren’t old enough to talk yet can understand the emotions of people. They can often identify issues such as stress, tension, and they definitely know when their parents are upset.  They can also miss the non-resident parent once he/she moves out.

If you have a young child and are currently going through divorce, just observe any changes in their behaviours including increased clinginess, tearfulness, increased temper tantrums or change in feeding.

Children from about three years of age to around five will be able to verbalise some questions about the divorce. They will often notice that the other person isn’t around like they used to be. They may pose questions such as why the other parent doesn’t go to the park with them or whey they live someplace else.

It is important that their questions are answered without giving them too many unnecessary adult only details.  Just answer their questions as best as you can keeping in mind that they need to continue feeling secure and loved.

Children in MediationChildren aged between six to about eleven will most probably already know someone who has divorced parents and understand what divorce means and entails.

However, that doesn’t mean they are going to readily accept it and as with the little ones, be ready for some changes in behaviour, including anger and aggressiveness as they may simply become overwhelmed by their emotions.

They may lack the skills to effectively be able to handle what is taking place. Do your best to get them to talk about it even if they aren’t sure what they are feeling or why.  They may also hold the belief that they are in some way to blame for the divorce and may work at brining the parents together.

Older children, from twelve and up often understand more about divorce than any other age group and may attempt to find more detailed answers as to what is taking place or what happened.

Chances are that this older age group was well aware of some issues in the marriage before the announcement of the divorce entered the picture and will take sides which can be extremely difficult for the parents.  It is important to remember that this is part of who they are, their stage of development, so don’t take it personally if they side with your ex-spouse.

They are just doing what children of this age do.

It is very common for children in this age group to be also want to be a caregiver  for the parent they “favour”. Do your best to get your child to see both parents as equals and not use them as sounding boards. If you can offer a united front as far as the divorce and caring for the children though it will be easier for them to do so.

Children don’t need to be your confidante when it comes to the divorce. Turn to another adult for someone to listen or to a professional counsellor.

Divorce and separation bring on huge changes for all involved and parents and we, as the adults around the children, will need to get a handle on our own emotions if we are going to meet our children’s needs as effectively as possible.

As I often say, it’s not the divorce that matters the most but the way it’s handled.  This experience will be one of the many difficult experiences that your child will experience during his/her lifetime so let’s work hard to make it as painless as possible and help them deal with divorce the best way possible.

All the best.

Warm hugs,

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Parenting after Separation

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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overcoming parental alienation

Parenting Teenagers Through Separation or Divorce

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Parenting Teenagers with Liz Storton
Liz Storton
Youth Coach

 

As a coach that works with teenagers and being a child of divorced parents when I was 16, having been parented through a divorce and listening to what my clients tell me, I have a few suggestions of some hotspots to avoid:-

 

 

  • Don’t use your children as messengers, its fine to say give Mum or Dad a call, don’t expect them to relay messages on your behalf, it’s not fair on them.
  •  Be careful not to worry them with adult issues, they are best dealt with by adults, you don’t want your children worrying about things that they can’t do anything about.
  •  Lead by example – Your examples become permanent images, which will shape their attitudes and actions for the rest of their life.  It’s important to be responsible, consistent and loving with your teenager.  This also holds true for the relationship you have with your spouse, ex spouse, your parents, and other family members and friends that are also a part of your teenager’s life.
  •  Own up to mistakes when you make them, and communicate open and honestly with all family members.
  •  Find a relationship with your ex- spouse that works for you both.  Let your teenager see you communicate in a positive and healthy manner with one another.
  • Parents should agree on how to discipline their children. To become reliable to children, both parents must be consistent in dealing with similar situations. In a situation where the parents are separated or divorced, disagreeing with each other over upbringing can create a confusing situation for children.  They should make a concerted effort to keep their child’s best interests at heart and sit down with their child and line out the rules and expectations and the consequences for violating those rules.  Both should agree that the intended discipline is fair, and apply it consistently in a firm yet fair manner in each home.
  • On access days, encourage them to chat about the day they have had, if a new partner’s name is brought up, don’t start putting them down or bad mouthing them, it may make your children feel guilty if they enjoyed their day. And while we are on access days, – don’t just suddenly expect your children to spend a whole day together if they only spend a couple of hours of week before the split, too much pressure for both sides. When deciding time spent with each parent why not ask your children first and then speak to your ex-spouse and then make mutually acceptable arrangements, be careful not to say things like “it needs to be a full day otherwise I will be travelling for longer than you are there”, maybe they don’t want to be there for a whole day?
  •  If you feel that perhaps you may need some emotional support do some research and make some phone calls for perhaps some counselling, some support on parenting strategies for the future, or some family mediation.

 

Liz Storton on Parenting Teenagers

Youth coach

Liz provides one-to-one Skype, phone and face-to-face coaching (by arrangement in London only).  A complimentary strategy session is always available for parents to find out more about what coaching is about and how it may help their personal situation.

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