effects of divorce on children - Page 3

Make Peace With Your Ex: Kids Do Best After Divorce if Parents Get Along
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Make Peace With Your Ex: Kids Do Best After Divorce if Parents Get Along

Published on
Shea Drefs
Shea Drefs
Managing Editor
Custody X Change

Parents who get along well after their divorce are 53% likelier to say their kids adjusted well than parents who get along badly. Could this encourage co-parents to act civilly for the sake of the kids?

The new data released also shows that the parent who files for divorce is 14% likelier to get the custody time they want or more.

Custody X Change, a co-parenting app, surveyed 1,000 people who had a divorce involving child custody in the past two years. Participants were U.S.-based and completed the survey last month.

“This data has the potential to help a parent make their divorce as smooth as possible,” said Ben Coltrin, Custody X Change co-founder and president.

Exes who get along well have well-adjusted kids

Eighty-four percent of parents who reported getting along well with their ex said their children have also adjusted well. But only 55% of parents who get along badly said their children have adjusted well.

While this is a strong correlation, it does not prove cause and effect. The parents’ relationship may be affecting the child’s happiness, the child’s happiness may be affecting the parents’ relationship, and numerous other factors may be involved.

Nonetheless, Coltrin said, “We hope this motivates divorced parents to look at what could be the effects of how they treat each other and what could help their children thrive.”

Divorce petitioners happier with custody schedules than respondents

Ninety-five percent of parents received a court-ordered custody schedule. Of these parents, most got at least the custody time they wanted, but this was more likely for the petitioner in the case.

The correlation between petitioning for divorce and getting the custody time desired could have numerous explanations.

For instance, there might be a court bias toward the petitioner; the parent with the stronger case might be more likely to petition; and petitioners might have more reasonable expectations overall than respondents. More research is needed to understand the contributing factors.

The survey also found that petitioners are likelier to be happy with how the custody schedule is working. Ten percent more petitioners said their schedule is working well, and 7% fewer petitioners said it’s working badly.

Might this be because they’re happier with their amount of parenting time? Of parents awarded the time they wanted or more, only 3% thought the schedule was working badly. And, as explained above, petitioners had a better chance of being awarded that time.

About Shea Drefs

Shea Drefs began her career as a news reporter. For more than five years now, she has led a writing team that helps parents understand child custody and co-parenting. She particularly enjoys making complex legal processes easy to understand.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children. www.custodyxchange.com

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Here’s Why Staying Together for the Kids Doesn’t Work
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Here’s Why Staying Together for the Kids Doesn’t Work

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

It’s the uncomfortable truth that much of society doesn’t want to acknowledge.

Staying unhappily married is not good for your kids.

It’s the reason that you will fall into a bottomless abyss of guilt when you finally realise you can’t stay living under the same roof as your spouse anymore.

What can trigger more anxiety in us as parents? How much higher could the stakes get than your children’s emotional wellbeing?

Nothing comes close. Not even your own emotional wellbeing, which will often be sacrificed in the process.

This is why trying to end a relationship when there are kids involved is one of the hardest and most gut-wrenching experiences you will ever go through.

Blocking it out

I’ve seen many, many people stay quietly miserable in expired and toxic relationships because they don’t want to put their kids through a divorce.

But the agonising truth is that once a relationship is truly over, there is no rescuing your children from pain, even if you decide to stay for their sake.

It’s called denial. We deny the fact that we are causing damage to our kids when we try to stay in unhappy marriages because we are tormented by the constant messages from society that divorce is the worst thing that can happen to our kids.

I’ve been in this exact space. It’s hard to admit, and it’s hard to write about.

But I write about it because I know there are so many of us who have been there, and they shouldn’t feel alone.

It’s the feeling of being desperately alone that makes the experience of leaving a marriage with kids so hard to recover from.

Facing My Own Truth

There are many reasons why my marriage was not sustainable. I won’t go into all of them in this newsletter, but I will say that in the last two years before my divorce, there was extreme disconnect and unhappiness on both sides.

I take ownership of my part in it. I worked through the pain to finally find forgiveness for my ex-husband and myself for the circumstances leading up to the end of our marriage.

Neither of us ever set out to hurt each other, but it was no longer a healthy, loving atmosphere in our home.

Mealtimes, which were the only time we sat down together, were strained.

What used to be a happy, talkative time with laughter had been reduced to an awkward, tense time that we both just wanted over so we didn’t have to fake our way through it.

We started to pursue separate lives and were rarely home at the same time on weekends.

We barely talked, and when we did, it was always through the kids or about the kids.

I tried to convince myself that staying in the marriage would be better for my children. It was a coping mechanism while I allowed the devastating truth to sink in.

During those years, I was not the person I used to be, and I knew it. People started commenting on it, and it was getting harder to hide.

I was diagnosed by my doctor as having extreme depression, and she recommended that I seek therapy and start on anti-depressants. Neither of them was able to mask the reality that our relationship was over and we were going to have to face the unthinkable.

I had always been present and engaged with my kids, but now I was always somewhere else in my head. I was constantly trying to get mental space where I could be alone and manage the overwhelming thoughts that were eating away at me.

Children are astute and are aware of so much more than we give them credit for. They may not know it on a conscious level, but they feel it inside. They know when their parents are faking smiles but desperately unhappy.

The guilt that I couldn’t be the mother I wanted to be started to take over. The realisation dawned that in order to be a good parent, I was going to have to be a co-parent.

One size doesn’t fit all

Once your relationship is truly over, there’s no winning. There’s only the arbitrary, blanket message from society that we should stay together ‘for the kids’.

It doesn’t work.

Imagine being a child who knew full well that your parents were miserable but stayed together for your sake.

A good friend told me a few years ago that she wished her parents had divorced. They fought constantly throughout her childhood and didn’t like each other. Several times, she heard her mother tell her father that she was only staying for the kids.

My friend grew up with the guilt that her parents were miserable because of her.

After my divorce, several people confided in me that they wished their parents had divorced when they were children because of the fighting and unhappiness they witnessed growing up.

For every article or piece of advice you read that says that divorce is not good for kids, there’s another article that says that high-conflict or extremely unhappy marriages are just as detrimental.

We teach our kids through actions, not words.

By staying in a dysfunctional, unhappy marriage, I knew that I was modelling disconnect, lack of intimacy, and lack of emotional resilience to my son and daughter.

I was teaching my kids that life is about grinding and existing for everyone else and that personal fulfilment and mental wellbeing should be stuffed down and ignored at all costs.

I spent too many years after leaving my marriage crushed by the never ending guilt and feelings of failure. What a waste!

I didn’t need to. Yes, there was a period of adjusting, and the kids did have to go through the pain of our divorce. I’m not denying that or sugar-coating any of it.

We all had to go through an extremely difficult and painful time. But we worked our way through it and came out the other side, and we are still very much a family. We share lots of good times now, and when we get together now, there is laughter and joy again.

After divorce, you have the choice to live well, to live for what you believe in, to keep striving and to show your kids (not tell them) how to live a life that is authentic, honest, and healthy to you.

Over time, with intention and clear communication, these are the messages you can give your children every day:

  • Our relationship didn’t work, but we both love you.
  • We are here for you.
  • We support you 100%.
  • We are present.
  • You are the most important thing to us.
  • We’ll always be a family.
  • Two homes don’t mean that we don’t love and support each other in other ways.

The bottom line

Every person who gets married wants to stay together for the rest of their lives. That’s what the commitment of marriage symbolises. However, there are no guarantees that you are going to be able to grow together and sustain a healthy connection that spans a lifetime.

Some marriages end, and it serves no purpose for your family to live in a home where the bills get paid, but there is no love, joy, or connection.

Ten years ago, I made a personal choice to choose separation and presence versus marriage and quiet misery.

Today, I’m one hundred per cent confident that I made the right decision for myself, my kids, and my ex-spouse, and I’ll never waver on that despite what anyone else may think.

Kids need happy, healthy, and present parents. If you can no longer give them that version of yourself in your marriage, give yourself permission to be the best co-parent you can be for them instead.

Click here for more articles by Carol Madden

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

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How Coparents Can Create a Safe Haven for Grieving Children
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How Co-Parents Can Create a Safe Haven for Grieving Children

Published on
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Co-Founder
Divorceworkshop
Al Huntoon
Al Huntoon
Founder
Coparenting Connection

“When my parents got divorced, I was just a baby and had no idea what it felt like to have two parents together. Children at any age grieve the loss of their family.”

What is Grief?

In very simple terms, grief is a reaction to loss. When we think of grief, we often think of a death loss, but grief is much broader than most think, and it can be felt for various reasons. Children are not immune to feeling these emotions. Many parents who go through a breakup or divorce may not even recognise that their children may also be grieving.

One aspect of the experience that not many separating or divorcing couples understand is that children do grieve this loss. It changes their whole life. Children can have similar reactions to how the parents may feel about the separation or divorce.

Children’s reactions and feelings can be more acute in the case of high-conflict separations or divorces. The day before transferring the child to the other parent’s house can be fraught with tense feelings. These are sensed by the child, who may wonder whether their parents may fight openly at the transfer or what will happen. That was my experience as a child.

When Karen’s parents divorced, she was too young to know what it was like to have both parents together. Karen recalls feeling lonely and insecure during her visits with her father, crying alone, and longing for her mother. Children of all ages grieve the loss of their family, though many parents may not recognise this. Grief, a reaction to loss, isn’t limited to death and can deeply affect children during divorce. This grief changes a child’s entire life, often manifesting in behavioural issues due to their limited ability to understand or express their feelings.

To illustrate this, Karen shares a deeply personal story from her own childhood, which highlights the impact of grief.

I saw pictures of myself spending time with my father when I was very young, but my earliest memories were with my mother. I spent most of my childhood with my mom and saw my dad every other weekend. Some of my earliest memories include crying in my bed at my father’s place and longing to be with my mom. I felt alone and hurt, yearning for her. I was also a very sickly child, and I struggled in those early years of school.

My attachment system was formed to feel secure and safe with my mom, but my behaviour was not always entirely indicative of that. I felt strongly attached and secure with her, but something else was going on at the same time. Once in kindergarten, I stole some macaroni that we used for art, and I got caught, so this was reported to the principal and my mom. I am not sure why I took it—maybe I thought my mom needed it to feed us. I also remember taking some Rice Krispies from home, putting them in a bag, and hiding them in the evergreens in front of the house. Was I feeling unsafe or insecure?

I wasn’t close to my father or his new wife. Years later, as I reflect on my childhood, I realise I had been grieving the loss of a normal family, the time I wasn’t with my mom, and the absence of a father figure I never truly had. I had never talked about this until years later in therapy. As a child in the 1970s and 1980s, my feelings did not matter much.

Parents may feel guilt about the separation or divorce but might not understand that their children are grieving as well. Karen’s parents never knew, and she cried by herself, jealous of other families with two loving parents—an emotion she now recognises as a form of grief.

Children Living Between Two Worlds

For children, divorce involves not just family members moving but also strong emotions and significant changes. They must navigate living between two worlds, with parents who may have different parenting styles. Consistency can help, but the transition is still difficult. Adults must understand separation or divorce from the child’s perspective, recognising that while they handle logistics, children are dealing with internal turmoil.

It’s common for separated or divorced parents to not want to hear that their child misses or feels sad about the other parent, leading some children to isolate themselves emotionally. Karen’s story is an example of this. Children may grieve the loss of their family, the daily presence of both parents, and the stability they once had. Relief may come in high-conflict households, but grief can also include sadness, confusion, anger, and fear of the unknown. Addressing these grief-related emotions is crucial to helping children adjust to divorce.

Age-Specific Indicators:

  • Ages 2 and under: Increased fussiness, clinginess, regression.
  • Ages 3-5: Regression, nightmares, aggression, noncompliance, temper tantrums, complaints about stomach.
  • Ages 6-9: Role replacement, feelings of abandonment, clinginess, fear you will disappear, aggression, withdrawal, may blame themselves, possessiveness, psychosomatic symptoms.
  • Early Adolescents: Increased aggression, possessiveness, defiance, psychosomatic symptoms, torn between two people, feeling the weight of being stuck in the middle, may take sides, anger, frustration, confusion, hurt, shame (worries about what their friends may think), may play games with parents.
  • Ages 13-18: Aggression, possessiveness, defiance, psychosomatic symptoms, possible risky behaviours, may distance themselves emotionally, may have conflicted loyalties, uncertain how to talk to their friends about it, grieve their home and lifestyle, grades may slip.
  • All Ages: Sadness, anger, guilt, denial, fear, psychosomatic symptoms, behavioural problems, aggression, concentration issues, fatigue, withdrawal, low self-esteem.

Emotional Literacy in Grieving Children

These reactions triggered by loss can be overwhelming for children, they often lack the emotional maturity and cognitive development to fully understand or process the feeling of grief. Children often struggle to articulate their feelings and might require guidance and support to navigate their grief in a healthy, productive way. Emotional literacy—the ability to recognise, understand, and express emotions constructively—plays a crucial role in helping children manage their grief. Here are some key benefits:

  • Validation of Feelings: When children can clearly express their feelings, they often feel more in control and understood. Knowing that their emotions are acknowledged and valued gives them a sense of empowerment. This recognition also fosters trust between children and their caregivers, reinforcing the idea that their feelings matter. Stronger emotional bonds with parents develop when children feel heard and understood, providing essential support and love during challenging times.
  • Reduced Anxiety: Understanding emotions can shed light on the complex feelings associated with grief, reducing confusion and anxiety. Expressing emotions can be a calming release, helping children manage anxiety in a healthy way. Children who can articulate their emotions are less likely to feel overwhelmed. By understanding the emotional responses of others, children can approach social interactions and family dynamics with greater ease.
  • Healthy Expression: Emotional literacy provides children with positive outlets for their emotions, reducing the likelihood of emotional outbursts or destructive behaviors. By learning to communicate their needs and feelings effectively, children can build stronger relationships with parents and peers. This emotional intelligence also enhances their ability to resolve conflicts peacefully by understanding different perspectives.
  • Enhanced Coping Skills: Emotional literacy helps children develop stronger coping mechanisms, helping them to face life’s challenges with resilience and adaptability. They are better equipped to solve problems by considering both their emotions and logical reasoning. This emotional intelligence enables children to make balanced decisions.

Supporting Emotional Literacy

Nurturing children’s emotional literacy involves employing intentional strategies that parents can implement to help their children understand and express their emotions in a healthy manner:

  • Modelling Behaviour: Parents can demonstrate emotional awareness by openly expressing their own feelings in an age-appropriate manner. For example, a parent might say, “I’m feeling frustrated right now.” By modelling healthy emotional responses, parents teach children valuable coping skills. Creating an open environment where children can ask questions and share their feelings without fear of judgment is essential.
  • Active Listening: When children express their emotions, giving them full attention is crucial. Using empathetic statements like, “I think you might be feeling sad because of the changes in our family,” shows children that their feelings are understood and valued. Attentive listening encourages open dialogue about emotions and fosters a supportive atmosphere.
  • Labelling and Coaching: Helping children identify and label their emotions is a key step in emotional literacy. For example, if children’s is upset, a parent can say, “It seems like you’re feeling angry.” Discussing the reasons behind these emotions can help children understand their feelings better. Positive reinforcement for expressing emotions encourages continued development of emotional literacy skills.

Strategies to Address Children’s Grief

Providing a Stable and Supportive Environment

Creating a sense of stability and support is crucial for children’s experiencing grief, especially in a coparenting situation. By working together, parents can build a consistent and reassuring environment that helps their child feel secure, even amidst significant life changes.

  • Aligned Messaging: In the delicate process of coparenting, presenting a unified front is crucial. When parents align their messaging, it not only reduces confusion but also eases the insecurities that grieving children often face. Consistent communication about family changes and emotional support signals to the child that both parents are in sync, offering them a comforting sense of security.
  • Shared Emotional Literacy Goals: Both parents should place a high priority on fostering emotional literacy, ensuring they are teaching and reinforcing the same concepts and strategies. By collaborating on how to handle significant events or emotional challenges, parents can prevent mixed signals and reinforce the importance of understanding and expressing emotions constructively. This unified approach ensures that the child receives consistent guidance, no matter which home they are in.
  • Predictability and Stability: Stability is the cornerstone of children’s emotional security, especially during times of grief. Consistency in rules and routines across both households provides the predictability that children need to feel safe and in control. When parents collaborate to establish similar expectations—whether it’s bedtime or screen time—they create a consistent experience that helps the child understand both homes as secure and familiar spaces, reducing any potential for confusion or anxiety.

Communication is Critical

  • Regular Check-ins: To uphold consistency, parents should schedule regular check-ins to discuss their children’s emotional and behavioural progress. Whether weekly or bi-weekly, these proactive discussions allow parents to stay ahead of any emerging issues, preventing minor challenges from escalating into significant problems.
  • Emotional Updates: These check-ins are also a vital opportunity to share updates on the children’s emotional state. By discussing any significant events or changes in behaviour, parents can ensure they are both prepared to respond appropriately and consistently, reinforcing the children’s emotional literacy and wellbeing.
  • Focus on the Children’s Wellbeing: Amidst the complexities of coparenting, it’s essential to keep the focus squarely on the child’s well-being. Conflicts should be handled privately, away from children, to avoid adding unnecessary stress to their emotional burden. By agreeing to present a calm and united front, even during disagreements, parents can shield their children from tension. In moments of conflict, refocusing on the shared goal—supporting the children’s emotional and developmental needs—can guide conversations and decisions toward constructive outcomes.

Professional Support

Undoubtedly, there will be challenges in helping your children navigate a separation or divorce. For the most part, you and your co-parent will be able to guide them through this life-changing event. However, each child’s response to the family transition will be unique. One child may adapt better to the divorce, while another may struggle. At times, it may be best for co-parents to seek support from professionals who can help guide and support their child through the separation or divorce and its effects.

When to Seek Professional Help

There are several reasons why co-parents might consider seeking professional help. As mentioned earlier, children’s behaviors can vary depending on their developmental stage. It is normal for children to regress, show anger, and sadness, or make hurtful remarks during a separation or divorce. These behaviors often stem from their grief over the loss of their previous family structure. However, if these signs become persistent and severe, consulting a children’s therapist may be crucial.

Signs That Professional Help May Be Needed:

  • Persistent Distress: Continuous sadness, anxiety, or upset for an extended period.
  • Significant Behavioural Issues: Dramatic changes in behaviour, increased defiance, aggression, or disruption.
  • Unexplained Physical Symptoms: Frequent complaints of headaches, stomachaches, or other physical ailments without a clear medical cause.
  • Self-Harm or Severe Depression/Anxiety: Talk of self-harm, suicidal thoughts, or severe emotional distress.
  • Decline in Academic Performance: Noticeable drops in grades, loss of interest in school, or frequent school-related complaints.
  • Social Withdrawal: Avoiding friends, family, and previously enjoyed social activities.
  • Sleep Disturbances: Persistent nightmares, insomnia, or excessive sleeping.
  • Regressive Behaviours: Reverting to younger behaviours such as bed-wetting, clinginess, or tantrums.
  • Substance Use: Experimenting with drugs or alcohol as a coping mechanism.
  • Intense Anger or Aggression: Frequent outbursts, fighting with peers, or defiance toward authority figures.
  • Difficulty with Daily Functioning: Struggling with routines, responsibilities, or loss of interest in activities.
  • Changes in Eating Habits: Significant weight loss or gain, or changes in eating patterns.
  • Excessive Guilt or Self-Blame: Expressing feelings of responsibility for the divorce or ongoing family issues.

Recognising these signs early and seeking professional help can make a significant difference in your child’s emotional and psychological wellbeing during and after a divorce.

Conclusion: Why This Matters

Parenting responsibilities don’t diminish during a separation or divorce; in fact, they often increase as coparenting introduces new and challenging skills. Emotional literacy is crucial—children need to express their feelings about the suddenly changed circumstances and their impact. Parents need to communicate with their children and be vigilant for harmful behaviors.

Coparents must understand that children grieve and that each child’s way of grieving is unique. During separation and divorce, parents are often overwhelmed by the many tasks and emotions involved. Some may feel strong guilt about leaving a marriage and its effects on their children. Many parents may not realise that, although children are generally resilient and able to transition, most new co-parents are unaware of how to effectively communicate with their children during this time.

Whether the relationship ended mutually or not, divorce is overwhelming. Karen’s personal story is not uncommon. This guide, which includes behaviours to watch for, developmental issues at each age, emotional literacy, practical coparenting strategies, and creating a stable environment, provides important steps for recognising and addressing these challenges.

Read more articles by Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand holds a rare university degree in Thanatology and a B.A. in Sociology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” coming out this October, and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. As a private counsellor and coach, Karen specialises in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. Having navigated her own high-conflict divorce, she is also the mother of two lovely daughters.

About Al Huntoon

Al Huntoon is a seasoned social worker with over 30 years of progressive experience in nonprofit leadership, coaching, and conflict resolution. As the founder of Coparenting Connection, he helps parents navigate the challenges of coparenting children from separate homes. Previously, he served as a Child Custody Mediator in the North Carolina’s largest Family Court District where he mediated hundreds of cases in a highly charged legal and emotional environment.

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Step Parenting: Ups and Downs
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Step Parenting: Ups and Downs

Published on
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Co-Founder
Divorceworkshop

At the tender age of 4 or 5, my small world suddenly included a new character – my stepmother. What my father had hoped would be a seamless blending of families turned out to be anything but. I can still vividly remember innocently requesting of her a task that, in my young mind, only my mom could accomplish – something truly extraordinary. Her response, tethered by the complexity of our situation, marked the beginning of what would become a challenging relationship.

As the years rolled by, the connection between us failed to blossom into the harmonious bond one might have hoped for. Now, in retrospect, those tumultuous years have inspired me to help those navigating the intricate journey of serious relationships after divorce, especially when children are involved.

Step Families: The Common Reality

Amidst high divorce rates for first-time marriages, it is even higher for second marriages, a crucial factor contributing to this trend is the intricate dynamics of blended families. Stepfamilies are prevalent in the U.S., U.K., and Canada, where a substantial portion of the population includes at least one step-relative. However, achieving harmony in a new stepfamily is not an immediate accomplishment; even under optimal conditions, it generally takes two to four years for the family to establish a cohesive rhythm in shared living

However, the journey is far from straightforward. Remarriage with children introduces intricate challenges, often contributing to a higher divorce rate. Issues like intolerance, competing needs, loyalty pressures, and sharing struggles can complicate the dynamics, potentially leading to conflicts that jeopardise relationships. Success in such blended families requires shedding fairy-tale ideals and approaching remarriage with children armed with realistic expectations.

My Story: A Child of Divorce with a Stepparent

Growing up in the aftermath of my parents’ high-conflict divorce was not without its challenges. In an era where there were no guides on being a good stepparent and little emphasis on blending families the right way, my father, being a traditional man, took a back seat in parenting when I was with him and his wife. Balancing attention between my older sister and myself, as well as my new siblings from his new wife, posed challenges. My initial resistance to accepting another motherly figure into my life set the stage for a rocky start with my new stepmother which continued for years and years.

With no “How to be a Good Stepparent book” to guide the way, the blending of our families back in the 1970s and 80s lacked knowledge and education. My mother’s values and parenting styles differed significantly from my new stepmother’s, and adjusting to this new dynamic was no easy feat. I was very bonded to my mother, and there was no way that this new person was ever going to replace her. The adaption was complicated and stressful for me. When I would leave my mom’s, I would cry myself to sleep at my father’s, where I felt left out and alone. Over time, I eventually adapted and survived, but there were aspects I loathed. My stepmother introduced a set of rules and traditions that clashed with what I was familiar with, and the adjustment process was anything but smooth.

I remember once when I did not make my bed to her standards and, as I was walking to school, probably in grade 3 or 4, she started to scream at me outside as I began my walk to school. It was humiliating, and I hated her even more. Another time, I was a teenager and babysitting my younger siblings. I was trying to get a hold of my father to come home earlier from the club bar, as I had been asked out on my very first date. I called the bar a few times to finally get her on the phone and asked them to come home so I could go out on this date. When she got home, she screamed at me for ruining her night. Everything I did had to go through her, not my father, which was one of their biggest mistakes.

If she were to say anything in her defence I did not make it easy for her, and it was not my role to do so. I was a young child and hurting on many levels. As I got older there was never any open communication between my father and stepmother on what was to be expected and how I was feeling or doing. That was not a common thing done in the 70s and 80s when children’s feelings were validated and talked about.

Navigating the role of a step-parent is undoubtedly challenging, both for the individual stepping into that role and for the child involved. While my personal experience may not paint an optimistic picture, however, countless blended families thrive, demonstrating that success is indeed possible. I recall a psychologist emphasising the positive correlation between a child’s wellbeing and the love they receive. This underscores the potential for a fulfilling relationship between a step-parent and their stepchild through dedicated effort, patience, and a clear understanding of their respective roles.

There are important aspects to consider if you’re considering remarriage or entering a serious relationship after divorce, especially when children are involved.

Here are some general guidelines for step-parents:

Establishing Clear Communication:

  • Maintain consistent communication with the child’s biological parent to better understand their parenting views and the child’s needs.
  • Ask for their input on how to build a positive relationship with your step child, ensuring you’re aligned in your approach.

Navigating Parenting Styles:

  • Reflect on your parenting methods, acknowledging that each parent might have a different approach. Striving for a common understanding is crucial. Notably, roughly one-third of parents may have similar parenting styles.
  • Promote an environment where all parents can openly discuss and contribute to decisions impacting the child.

Setting Realistic Expectations:

  • Acknowledge that step parenting comes with unique challenges, and understand that blended families have their dynamics, different from traditional ones. It’s important to give step parents the space to voice their challenges and frustrations.
  • Replace expectations of instant bonding with patience, understanding that forming strong connections takes time.

Intentional Role Development:

  • Be mindful and deliberate about your role within the family. Invest time in learning about your stepchildren, their history, and any special needs they may have.
  • Engage in open, transparent discussions with your partner to gain deeper insight into the child’s experiences and emotions.

Fostering Relationships:

  • Building relationships in a blended family is a process that requires patience and time.
  • Start with simple, enjoyable activities that allow children to adapt at their own pace.
  • The biological parent plays a vital role in fostering a secure and cohesive family environment.

Showing Respect:

  • Always show respect for the child’s other biological parent, particularly in the child’s presence.
  • Understand that children might see the arrival of a new stepparent as a loss, so it’s important to avoid any negative comments or criticism.

Approaching Discipline:

  • In the beginning, let the biological parent take the lead on discipline.
  • Focus on establishing a caring, trusting relationship with your stepchild before stepping into any disciplinary role.
  • Regularly communicate with your partner about parenting styles to ensure consistency and mutual understanding.

Managing Emotional Reactions:

  • Avoid taking your stepchild’s reactions personally as a step parent.
  • Recognise that their responses may be rooted in deeper emotions, and work on building trust gradually over time.
  • Keep open lines of communication with your partner to discuss any feelings or insecurities that may arise.

Finding Joy in Step Parenting:

  • Despite the obstacles, being a stepparent can be deeply rewarding.
  • Treasure the opportunity to form unique and loving bonds with your step children.
  • Focus on becoming a positive influence and building meaningful, lasting relationships.

Blending a family is a complex journey that involves navigating the challenges of co-parenting and step parenting, which can sometimes strain second marriages. With patience, time, and realistic expectations, it is possible to build a harmonious and fulfilling family life. Key strategies include maintaining regular communication with the biological parent, being intentional in your role, and carefully managing discipline. Family therapy can also provide essential support during challenging times.

Through perseverance, resilience, and commitment, a joyful and connected blended family life is achievable, where deep and meaningful relationships can thrive.

Read more articles by Karen Omand.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand, holding degrees in sociology and thanatology, specialises in guiding individuals through grief, drawing from her own experiences of high-conflict divorce, parental loss, and abusive marriage. Focusing on the often-overlooked realm of grief in divorce, she co-founded the Divorceworkshop in 2021 with Kirk Mosna, aiming to empower those on the divorce journey. As a certified Grief Counsellor and Divorce Specialist, Karen advocates for greater awareness of grief in divorce, aiding both recovery and pre-decision detachment. She is the co-author of The Divorce Workbook, coming out this summer.

Alongside Kirk, she assists individuals in informed decision-making, proactive preparation, and strategic planning for healing and recovery. Her story of resilience and empathy inspires others to navigate divorce with courage. Connect with Karen on  Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn check her website Divorceworkshop.ca, or sign up for the Divorceworkshop’s newsletter.

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Understanding Stepparent Rights
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Understanding Stepparent Rights

Published on

In modern families, it’s common for individuals to enter new relationships and create blended households. This often involves stepparents playing significant roles in the lives of their partner’s children. While this can create a stable and loving environment for the child, it raises important questions about the rights stepparents have. Understanding these rights is crucial for anyone in this role.

Parental Responsibility and Stepparents

Despite the deep involvement stepparents may have in their stepchildren’s lives, they do not automatically gain parental responsibility. Parental responsibility encompasses all the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities, and authority a parent legally has concerning their child and their property. Without this legal status, a stepparent cannot make critical decisions for their stepchildren.

For example, if a child in a stepparent’s care requires urgent medical treatment, the stepparent cannot provide consent unless they have parental responsibility. This responsibility typically lies with the natural parents.

Acquiring Parental Responsibility

Stepparents can obtain parental responsibility, but it requires a formal agreement or court order. This process is similar to how unmarried fathers acquire parental responsibility. The agreement must be signed by all individuals who currently hold parental responsibility for the child, usually the natural parents.

Once a stepparent has parental responsibility, they are granted the same rights and duties as a natural parent. This means they can make decisions regarding the child’s education, medical care, and general welfare.

Stepparents and Divorce

The relationship between a stepparent and stepchild can be profoundly significant, and it often benefits the child to maintain this bond even if the stepparent and natural parent divorce. Stepparents may wish to continue their relationship with stepchildren post-divorce. If mutual arrangements cannot be agreed upon, stepparents can apply to the court for a child arrangements order, which outlines when and how they can spend time with their stepchildren.

However, it is important to note that a stepparent cannot acquire parental responsibility once they are divorced from the child’s natural parent.

Financial Obligations

In some cases, stepparents might have ongoing financial responsibilities towards their stepchildren after a divorce. The court might consider the needs of stepchildren when determining financial settlements. This ensures that the child’s welfare is considered in the division of assets and any spousal support arrangements.

Seeking Legal Advice

Navigating the complexities of stepparent rights requires expert guidance. Family law solicitors can provide valuable advice tailored to your specific circumstances, ensuring that both your rights and the child’s best interests are protected.

For personalised legal advice, contact Woolley & Co, family lawyers, at 0800 321 3832 to arrange a telephone appointment with one of our family law experts. You can also visit www.family-lawfirm.co.uk for more information.

Conclusion

Understanding your rights as a stepparent is essential for ensuring you can effectively support and care for your stepchildren. Whether it’s about acquiring parental responsibility, maintaining relationships post-divorce, or understanding financial obligations, being informed and seeking legal advice can make a significant difference in navigating your role within a blended family.

Read more articles by Woolley & Co Solicitors.

About Michelle Brammer

Michelle is a specialist divorce and family lawyer based in Melbourne near Derby. Over the last twenty years working in the East Midlands and Staffordshire she has built an excellent reputation acting for people from all walks of life – from homebuilders and homemakers, to farmers, politicians, business owners and CEOs.

Michelle is named as a Recommended Lawyer for Family Law in Legal 500 2020 and is also a Ranked Lawyer in Chambers and Partners where one client enthused to researchers: “She demonstrated a depth of knowledge in her field that only experience and an unwavering passion for her profession can bring. She remained efficient, professional and pragmatic at all times and instilled a confidence that she had my best interests at heart in all negotiations she engaged in.”

Michelle qualified as a Legal Executive in October 1997 and joined Woolley & Co from a Staffordshire law firm in July 2016.

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A Guide for Parents - Devising a Co-Parenting Plan Before Getting a Divorce
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A Guide for Parents – Devising a Co-Parenting Plan Before Getting a Divorce

Published on
Chris Sweetman
Chris Sweetman
Editor at The Divorce Magazine
Director at Fair Result

Going through a divorce can be emotionally and logistically challenging, especially for parents with children. While the decision to end a marriage may be difficult, it’s crucial to prioritise the well-being of the children throughout the process. One of the most important steps in this regard is devising a comprehensive co-parenting plan before finalising the divorce.

A well-crafted co-parenting plan not only sets the tone for a healthy co-parenting relationship post-divorce but also ensures that both parents remain actively involved in their children’s lives. It provides a framework for effective communication, decision-making, and conflict resolution, ultimately minimising the impact of the divorce on the children.

By establishing clear guidelines and expectations from the outset, parents can foster a cooperative and supportive environment for their children, helping them navigate this transitional period with greater ease and stability.

Understanding the Concept of Co-Parenting

Co-parenting refers to the process of raising children collaboratively after a separation or divorce. It involves both parents actively participating in decision-making, sharing responsibilities, and maintaining a healthy relationship for the well-being of their children.

Successful co-parenting requires a commitment to putting aside personal differences and focusing on the children’s best interests. Key principles of effective co-parenting include:

  • Open and respectful communication
  • Consistency in parenting styles and rules
  • Flexibility and compromise
  • Avoiding conflict in front of the children
  • Maintaining a united front when addressing children’s needs and concerns

While co-parenting can be challenging, especially in the aftermath of a divorce, both parents need to work together and prioritise their children’s emotional and developmental needs. This often involves setting aside personal grievances and cultivating a cooperative and supportive dynamic.

Establishing a Parenting Schedule

One of the most crucial components of a co-parenting plan is establishing a fair and consistent parenting schedule. This schedule should outline the custody arrangements and visitation schedules, ensuring that both parents have ample time to be actively involved in their children’s lives.

When determining custody arrangements, parents can choose from various options, including:

  • Joint custody: Both parents share legal custody and decision-making responsibilities for the children.
  • Sole custody: One parent has primary legal and physical custody, while the other parent has visitation rights.
  • Shared physical custody: Children spend a significant amount of time living with each parent.

The parenting schedule should consider factors such as work schedules, children’s extracurricular activities, and living arrangements. It’s essential to create a schedule that minimises disruptions to the children’s routines and provides stability.

To ensure a smooth transition, the schedule should clearly outline the pickup and drop-off times, as well as any special arrangements for holidays, vacations, and other important events.

Handling Decisions Related to Children

In addition to establishing a parenting schedule, a co-parenting plan should outline how major decisions concerning the children will be made. These decisions may include matters related to education, healthcare, religion, and extracurricular activities.

It’s crucial to establish clear guidelines for communication and conflict resolution when making these decisions. Parents should agree on a process for discussing and resolving any disagreements that may arise, such as seeking the assistance of a mediator or counsellor if necessary.

The co-parenting plan should also address potential changes in circumstances, such as relocation, remarriage, or adjustments in financial situations. Having a framework in place for addressing these changes can help minimise conflicts and ensure that the children’s best interests remain the top priority.

Managing Finances and Child Support

Financial considerations are an essential part of a co-parenting plan, particularly when it comes to child support and shared expenses for the children’s needs.

The plan should clearly outline the child support obligations and payment arrangements – taking into account factors such as each parent’s income, the number of children, and any relevant legal guidelines or agreements.

In addition to child support, the co-parenting plan should address how expenses related to the children’s needs, such as clothing, extracurricular activities, educational costs, and medical expenses, will be divided between the parents. Establishing a fair and equitable system for sharing these costs can help prevent future conflicts and ensure that the children’s needs are met.

It’s also important to review any potential tax implications and benefits related to child support and shared expenses. Consulting with financial advisors or legal professionals can provide valuable guidance in navigating around financial assets.

Maintaining Healthy Boundaries

While co-parenting requires open communication and cooperation, it’s equally important to maintain healthy boundaries between the former spouses. The co-parenting plan should establish clear guidelines for interactions and communication, ensuring that each parent respects the other’s personal space and privacy.

One critical aspect is avoiding exposing children to parental conflicts or using them as messengers or go-betweens. Children should not be burdened with adult issues or placed in the middle of disagreements between their parents.

It’s also important to respect each other’s personal lives and relationships. The co-parenting plan should outline boundaries regarding introductions to new partners, attending events together, and maintaining appropriate behaviour in front of the children.

By establishing and adhering to these boundaries, parents can create a more harmonious and supportive environment for their children, minimising the potential for further emotional turmoil or confusion.

Involving Children in the Process

While devising a co-parenting plan, it’s essential to involve the children in an age-appropriate manner. This not only helps them understand the changes occurring in their family dynamic but also provides an opportunity for them to voice their concerns and fears.

Open communication with children is crucial throughout the process. Parents should strive to explain the situation in a clear and reassuring manner, emphasising that the divorce is not their fault and that both parents will continue to love and support them.

Depending on the children’s ages, parents can consider involving them in discussions about certain aspects of the co-parenting plan, such as visitation schedules or living arrangements. This can help children feel heard and respected – ultimately easing their transition into the new family dynamic.

It’s also important to encourage children to express their feelings and concerns openly. Parents should be prepared to actively listen and address any worries or questions that may arise, seeking professional counselling if necessary.

By involving children in the process and fostering open communication, parents can help mitigate the potential emotional and psychological impacts of divorce – promoting a smoother transition for the entire family.

Final Thoughts

Devising a comprehensive co-parenting plan before finalising a divorce is essential for parents committed to prioritising the well-being of their children. By establishing clear guidelines for custody arrangements, decision-making processes, financial responsibilities, and communication, parents can create a supportive and stable environment for their children during this transitional period.

While co-parenting can be challenging, it is vital for both parents to put aside personal differences and cultivate a cooperative dynamic. Seeking professional assistance from mediators, counsellors, or legal professionals can provide valuable guidance and support throughout the process.

Ultimately, a well-crafted co-parenting plan serves as a foundation for a healthy and nurturing relationship between parents and children, helping to minimise the potential negative impacts of divorce and fostering a more positive and harmonious future for the entire family.

Read more articles by Chris Sweetman.

About Chris Sweetman

Chris Sweetman is an independent family solicitor and director of Fair Result – An award-winning law office who pride themselves on using innovative ways to help clients through the stress and complications of a marriage break down.

Chris can be contacted on 07500933818 or via email chris@fair-result.co.uk.

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The Co-Parenting Method that is Reconnecting Parents with Withdrawn Children
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The Co-Parenting Method that is Reconnecting Parents with Withdrawn Kids

Published on
Johanna Lynn
Johanna Lynn
Founder
The Family Imprint Institute

After your divorce, you can be feeling unsettled one day and a bit more yourself the next.  Your family landscape looks completely different. You are still finding your ground again, emotionally, financially and mentally. On top of it all, you’re not sure how to bridge the growing gap this separation has placed between you and your children.

The truth is children are not yet able to hold on to two attachments they experience as incompatible. This can look like the child accepts one parent and disconnects from the other. A lot of this has to do with the child’s attachment brain no longer experiencing the parents as physically united.

During your separation, the attachment brain of your child may be connected to the other parent. Of course, this is painful and it’s essential to understand the inner conflict of the child and try to not feel personally hurt (or triumphantly confirmed, if you ended up as the “good” parent).

Whenever you can share good stories that are about good common experiences this supports your child. Giving your children the message:

“Our family is different now and this is sad for you. And there were many beautiful things in our history as a family, and your Dad/your Mom loves you and is lovable.”

Remember the importance of the message:

“Dad and Mom will always agree about how much we love you.”

Ask your friends and relatives to keep this message strong instead of rumbling about your ex. Be aware that little ears easily overhear and then make their own conclusions about what they’ve heard you say.

You are more mature, hold on to your kids despite their temporary rejection. 

You may feel your child has taken your ex-partner’s side, and this will require you all your love to handle this situation. It can be helpful to remind yourself that your child’s hostile behaviour is not a conscious decision, but an emergency measure of the young brain to handle an emotional overload that feels too much to bear.

Acknowledge how challenging it might be for your child to be in two different homes as they settle into this new dynamic. Bedtime can be a great time to bring in a sense of understanding.

“Oh, you are missing Mom/Dad right now, aren’t you? Tell me, which book is he/she reading to you right now? Oh, this is a wonderful story!”

When your child starts telling happily about the great time they are having with the other parent, listen and encourage the love they are expressing.

Let them FEEL what’s real for them.

Your children will find their own balance and settle into the new normal if they feel they can cry in your arms instead of bravely swallowing their tears down and pretending to be happy to avoid sad or angry reactions from Mom or Dad.

In the day-to-day, children do not directly express their sadness about the separation, but about small frustrations of everyday life. Use every opportunity to comfort and encourage the signs of grief in the child, even if the reason seems unrelated to you.

There are circumstances when your child does not want to see you or hangs up when you phone or does not answer your text messages and emails. Many parents feel rejected and stop reaching out and trying to restore their connection.

Yet the response that will repair this relationship over time is to hold the bigger picture and understand what this is really about – your child feeling overwhelmed and caught in the tension of the separation.

Keep reaching out without expectation, stay friendly, send thoughtful gestures, and signal dependability. Your child is much more in need of your responsible caretaking than might be obvious right now.

It’s really important not to share your emotions with your child, don’t make them responsible for your feelings. Saying things like “I will be very sad if you do not want to come.” will have them move away from the feelings of guilt or responsibility statements like that impose.

Focus your time together on what your child really enjoys doing. Healthy attachment is best supported by sharing time together. If possible, spend time with each of your children alone to deepen the connection individually.

But my ex isn’t doing any of this …

This might be what points to some of the reasons you broke up. Yet, despite the fact of how “impossible” your ex is behaving: they are your child’s other parent, and your child loves their parent. Our children do best when they feel free to love both of their parents.

You can hang a photograph of the other parent in your child’s room, and talk as friendly as possible about the other parent. If you can do this for your child, there is at least one parent who is supporting love to flow.

Divorce is hard. Co-parenting when you are trying to work together from a place of pain can be exhausting. AND you want what is best for your children.

About  Johanna Lynn

Johanna Lynn is the founder of The Family Imprint Institute with over 20 years of experience. She specialises in supporting individuals navigating divorce, helping them uncover the root causes behind their separation. Johanna uses innovative mind-body techniques to illuminate how family dynamics influence relationships, providing clients with deep insights, clarity and healing.

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Child Arrangement Orders: All You Need to Know
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Child Arrangement Orders: All You Need to Know

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Anthony Parrish
Anthony Parrish
Partner
Jones Myers

Child Arrangement Orders are a vital framework for promoting the well-being of children involved in relationship breakdown.

They are particularly important during emotionally challenging times such as separation or divorce, when relationships may be strained. This article shares some key insights on their role in divorce and separation.

What is a Child Arrangement Order?

A Child Arrangement Order is a legally binding order made by a court to establish who a child should live with and the amount of time they should spend with the non-resident parent or other family members, most notably grandparents.

If you are a parent, you can seek a Child Arrangement Order through the Court. Grandparents can also apply for such an order but firstly require the Court’s permission to do so. Such orders are commonly sought in cases where the parents have separated or when obstacles arise that prevent grandparents from having access to their grandchildren.

Why do I need a Child Arrangement Order?

There are numerous situations that may lead you to consider applying to the court for a Child Arrangement Order. They range from the need to establish specific arrangements for your child’s daily life to resolving disputes related to school holidays.

It’s important to recognise that each case is family specific, and seeking guidance from a specialist firm such as Jones Myers is strongly recommended to receive appropriate advice tailored to your specific circumstances.

What will a court consider when making a Child Arrangement Order?

When parties are unable to reach a mutual agreement, the court takes several factors into account which include the child’s best interests and considerations such as the child’s wishes and feelings, particularly when they are older. The court also evaluates the child’s physical, emotional, and educational requirements, as well as the potential impact of any substantial changes in their circumstances.

Additional factors taken into consideration include the child’s age, any known instances of harm or potential risks to the child themselves and the respective abilities of each parent to meet the child’s needs. These elements collectively shape the court’s decision-making process with the ultimate goal of safeguarding the child’s well-being.

Read more articles by Anthony Parrish and Jones Myers.

About Anthony Parrish

Anthony Parrish’s extensive experience in family law spans over two decades, during which time he has developed specialisms in matters relating to children law.

A member of Jones Myers internationally renowned Children’s Department, he deals with issues relating to children, teenagers, parents (including those represented through their official solicitor) and local authorities.

His expertise also encompasses international child abduction cases and same sex relationship issues.

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What is Parental Alienation & How to Spot the Signs
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What Is Parental Alienation and How to Spot the Signs

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Kate Banerjee
Kate Banerjee
Partner
Jones Myers Family Law Solicitors

Parental alienation is a particular family dynamic that can emerge when parents separate, in which the child becomes hostile and rejects the other parent.

It  can occur when one parent or carer expresses freely and persistently unreasonable negative feelings or beliefs such as anger or fear towards the other parent.

Such toxic behaviour is often disruptive to the child’s actual experience with that parent and can cause widespread, long-lasting damage to relationships between children and parents.

Parental alienation is a contentious term, many in the legal world are reluctant to use the term parental alienation because of its contentious background. Whatever the view of this contentious pattern of behaviour, parental alienation by its ordinary meaning is often an accurate description of the action of a parent either  consciously or  unconsciously.

Our Children’s Department – which always puts children’s best interests first – has witnessed the detrimental effects of this damaging pattern of behaviour on children and parents who are at the receiving end.

Parental Alienation Day, which took place on April 25, has been raising global awareness of the issue which affects millions of parents and children worldwide and can lead to a gradual corrosion of relationships.

What are the signs of parental alienation?

  1. When a parent forbids or tries to restrict their children from seeing the estranged parent
  2. When a parent tries to convince their children that they would be better off not seeing the estranged parent
  3. When a parent prevents their children from talking about their estranged parent
  4. When a parent constantly criticises the estranged parent in front of their children
  5. When a parent makes up and relays negative actions/stories about the estranged parent to their children
  6. When a parent implies to their children that the estranged parent does not care for them

Time and opportunity are often lost and further damage can be  done to a relationship between the parent and a child if action isn’t taken.

How parents can manage and try to avoid alienating behaviour

We urge parents everywhere to set aside their frustrations and resentment to always make their children’s wellbeing a priority – no matter how acrimonious their relationship breakdown has been.

They can do this in the following ways:

  1. Think before you act about how your behaviour is affecting your children
  2. Make your children’s present and future emotional and physical a priority at all times
  3. Always remember that children of all ages, particularly teenagers, are vulnerable to emotional manipulation
  4. Avoid criticising your ex-partner in front of them and tell them how much both parents love them
  5. Never encourage your children to take your side against your ex-partner
  6. Take an interest in what your children do with your ex-partner
  7. Set up a parenting plan with your ex-partner to ensure effective communication and planning

If you, your ex-partner or your children are struggling with the separation, we advise seeking expert advice, in some cases fast action is necessary to avoid seriously harmful outcomes for children.

Read more articles by Jones Myers.

About Kate Banerjee

A widely recognised leader in Children Law, Kate Banerjee heads Jones Myers nationally and internationally renowned Children’s Department. She is highly experienced in cases which include contact and residence disputes and child protection law.

Kate also has extensive expertise in international child abduction cases and is a Member of the International Child Abduction and Custody Unit. She is also a Member of the Child Care Panel representing parents, guardians, Local Authorities, and children.

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Protecting Your Mental Health in Divorce
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Protecting Your Mental Health in Divorce

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Gemma Scourfield
Gemma Scourfield
Divorce & Family Law Solicitor
Woolley & Co Solicitors

Divorce can often cast a shadow on your mental well-being amidst the whirlwind of legal proceedings, daily responsibilities, and emotional upheaval. Understanding that it’s normal to feel overwhelmed is the first step in safeguarding your mental health. According to research from Science Direct, the emotional distress of ending a relationship intensifies when children are involved, introducing feelings of guilt alongside a myriad of other emotions. This is echoed by findings from the Royal College of Psychiatrists, which indicate that children also deeply feel the impact of their parents’ separation, potentially leading to emotional and behavioural issues.

In 2022 alone, England and Wales saw approximately 80,000 divorces, underscoring the prevalence of marital breakdowns and the importance of managing their emotional consequences. It’s essential for parents navigating mental health in divorce to seek support not only for themselves but also for their children. Resources like those provided by the Royal College of Psychiatrists can be invaluable during these trying times.

Legal support plays a pivotal role in mitigating stress during divorce. Opting for a lawyer who prioritizes non-confrontational approaches can alleviate much of the emotional strain. It’s important to choose a solicitor who communicates clearly, without overwhelming you with legal jargon, and respects your pace throughout the decision-making process. Inquiring about fixed fees can also prevent financial concerns from adding to your stress.

Moreover, if you find the emotional toll of divorce challenging to bear, remember that support is available. Organizations such as Parenting Lives, Relate, and Family Lives offer advice, support, and resources to help you manage stress and navigate the emotional journey of divorce.

Remember, taking steps to protect your mental health in divorce is not just crucial for your well-being but also for your children’s. Amidst the chaos of divorce, prioritising self-care and seeking appropriate support can pave the way for healing and resilience.

Read more articles by Woolley & Co Solicitors.

About Gemma Scourfield

Gemma is a divorce and family law solicitor with Woolley & Co, Solicitors based in Pembrokeshire West Wales. She has been based in Wales since qualifying in 2007 although has clients throughout the UK and abroad. In 2016, Gemma was accredited as an Advanced Family Law Panel Member with the Law Society which recognises her expertise in domestic abuse and financial relief.

Gemma qualified as a family law solicitor in 2007, she joined Woolley & Co from a regional firm in Wales in August 2021.

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How not to ‘hard launch’ your divorce
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How Not to ‘Hard Launch’ Your Divorce

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Sarah Bunn
Sarah Bunn
Associate
Burgess Mee Family Law

In this digital age there is often a temptation to take to social media to record a landmark life event. Coupled with this, for many, there is also the desire to use social media to put the wrongs of the world to right – whether that is in relation to world politics or our personal lives.

In the context of divorce proceedings, from which financial and children proceedings can also follow, a solicitor’s headline advice is likely to be to avoid sharing information about one’s divorce on social media, or at least to err on the side of caution. We all remember Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s ‘conscious uncoupling’ campaign. However, without a PR team behind you, any possible benefits seem to pale in comparison to the possible pitfalls.

Social media may appear to provide useful guidance and tips about navigating the divorce process but often this “advice” or anecdotal evidence is incorrect and could even be harmful. All families are different, and it follows that all divorce experience is different.

As a starting point, parties involved in family court proceedings are expected to uphold confidentiality. This means not sharing details about the case to third parties (unless in specific circumstances, such as when speaking to a legal representative or experts in a case). It also means that a party must not share documents relating to their case with third parties, including their entire social media network. In the context of divorce proceedings, which is largely an online process where spouses can usually avoid ever stepping into a court room, this can easily be forgotten. In financial and children proceedings, whilst attendance at court is more likely, reminders are often necessary.

Divorce, Confidentiality & Social Media

A breach of confidentiality in relation to family proceedings can have a negative impact on one’s case. Judges will be far from impressed and may say so, and in more extreme cases, the individual who is in breach of confidentiality can face fines and/or even a term of imprisonment.

It is important to be aware that even if one maintains confidentiality about the proceedings themselves, derogatory posts on social media about your spouse/child’s other parent can be used as evidence in a case. For example, social media posts about what a terrible person your (soon-to-be former) spouse/partner is or criticism of their parenting styles are often screenshotted and exhibited to narrative statements in order to evidence the conduct and entrenched views of one party about another.  More often than not, this will negatively impact a judge’s perception of the person posting such information, as opposed to the ‘postee’.

It is important to remember that judges are human and that they have a fairly wide discretion within the law. If they take against a particular party, this could impact the final decision which may be unappealable so keep them onside if you can.

Family, Social Media & Divorce

During family proceedings, it is often advisable to avoid social media altogether as what may be construed as positive posts can be used in a negative context, for example, during children proceedings where a party posts a photo of their new partner having a fun day out with children. If the other parent did not know that the children had been spending time with a new partner, such photos may be used as an example of a lack of positive co-parenting and joint decision-making.

Divorce, Finances & Social Media

In financial proceedings, constant updates about new relationships and time spent at each other’s home can be used as evidence of one of the parties’ cohabitation, or intention to cohabit with their new partner or even that claims of financial straits are untrue; “Just look at that 5-star hotel/business class flight/new handbag!”. This may impact financial provision made upon divorce. Even screenshots of CVs and comments found on a spouse’s professional profile can be used as evidence in relation to income and earning capacity.

As an aside, divorcing spouses should also be made aware, at the start of a case, about the move towards transparency in the family court. This development brings in a presumption that approved media and legal bloggers may attend most hearings in the family court and that they may report what they see, hear, and read, although usually the reporting will be anonymised first. This change in the ‘private’ nature of proceedings may result in an inevitable loss of control by parties to keep the details of their case private and shielded from mainstream media, even if they uphold their side of the confidentiality bargain.

Whilst media outlets will not construe every case as a matter of public interest, and there are limits to what can be reported, if you have concerns about this, it is important to have a discussion with your solicitor about whether the media may be interested in your case, and what steps you can take to keep details of your case private.

Some helpful guides about confidentiality in family court proceedings can be found on the government website:

Read more articles from Burgess Mee.

About Sarah Bunn

Sarah Bunn is an Associate at Burgess Mee. She specialises in complex financial remedy and private children law cases. She also advises clients in relation to nuptial agreements and cohabitation disputes.

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What Helps Children of Divorce Cope Interview
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What Helps Children Cope With Divorce? – TDM Expert Interviews

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Dr Soila Sindiyo
Counselling Psychologist and Founding Editor of The Divorce Magazine

Delve into a comprehensive exploration of children and divorce with Dr. Soila Sindiyo, Founding Editor of The Divorce Magazine and a HCPC registered Counselling Psychologist. In this enlightening interview, Dr. Sindiyo shares crucial insights into recognising signs of a child struggling with divorce, offering invaluable tips on supporting children of divorce through the process, and fostering their wellbeing during and after the proceedings.

Gain a deeper understanding of the psychological impact on children and discover actionable advice to help them not just cope but thrive. Explore the full transcript to equip yourself with essential knowledge for navigating the complexities of divorce with children involved.

Read on for the full transcript of our video, “What Helps Children Cope With Divorce?”

[Music]

Hi everyone so today we are filming episode five of The Divorce Magazine expert interviews,  and today we’re actually going to be speaking to the Founder of The Divorce Magazine Soila. So Soila do you want to introduce yourself and say a bit about yourself?

Yeah, so my name is Soila, I am, uh, the Founder of The Divorce Magazine I’ve been, well now we, because now it’s not just me anymore have been um, working and running The Divorce Magazine for quite a few years now. Um, and what it is it’s actually um, what we would call a bridge between the divorce professionals, and their clients that they’re looking for.

So we offer um, we get contributions from divorce professionals only, and no bloggers, and um, um, that they give us contributions of articles on all kinds of issues to do with divorce and separations and then our readers are very much um, clients or people who are looking um, for assistance or help support and guidance from divorce professionals.

So we’re kind of like a bridge an online magazine that’s bridging between, the divorce professionals and the clients or those who are going through divorce and um, and separation.

Um, so that’s one part of me, the other part of me the hat that I’ll be wearing today is um, uh, Doctor and Counselling Psychology and I’ve been working with children and families um, goodness I don’t know how long actually when I, maybe I do and I don’t want to say but anyway um, I’ve been working with children and families for let’s say over a decade or so um, but now um, it seems like my work has become very, very focussed on working with divorce and what comes through with divorce.

Whether it’s their parents um, whether it’s their families, their dads, their mums, whoever, is embroiled in this world of divorce which can be quite difficult and confusing.

Perfect thank you. So today we’re going to be talking about sort of, like what helps children cope with divorce and stuff so, it would be really interesting to hear what you have to say about it.

What helps children of divorce cope?

So my first question is what actually helps children cope with divorce? Um, yeah I think the first thing that I would say is, just for, parents to realise that the moment that we tell our children that um, we’re going to divorce, or that they’re going to divorce and separate, or they’re going to live in different households um, not to assume that the children saw it coming.

Even where there has been a lot of acrimony and there has been violence, not to just assume that the children know this has been coming. To actually treat it like it’s news to the children and to take it from there because that moment can be a watershed moment for the children and uh, and then the other thing that can help them cope with the divorce is to be able to answer their questions as much as possible. “When am I going to see my dad?” “When am I going to see my mum?” “Where am I going to be living?” “Where are you going to be living?”

You know just answer their questions as they come. Because one, one um, psychologist that I love dearly um, he’s no longer with us but you know his name is Haim Ginott and he wrote a book on uh, Between Parent and Child, and one of the things he says in that book is “children don’t ask a question to which they have an answer.”

So when you’re going through divorce, and your child asks questions and you think, ‘well they should know the answer to that’ actually they don’t, it’s a whole new world that they’re trying to manoeuvre now.

You know, “mummy and daddy are no longer in the same house um, what does that mean?” Whichever parent has moved out of the house, whether it’s mum or dad and they’ve moved out of the house, let the children know where you are, if they can come and see where you are, and you know sometimes it’s really difficult and it can be in a bedsit that the one parent has moved to go and live in a bedsit because of financial reasons. It’s okay let your child come and see where you are so that they don’t have this whole um, questions in their mind, “where is daddy?” “Where is mummy?” “Where are they living?” “Are they safe?” “Are they okay?” Because they will ask those questions.

So it’s very much about, you know helping them cope, answering the questions, providing them with uh, the other thing that I would say um, to help them really, really cope, if their lives can remain as, it was before the divorce as much as possible, a lot of the times it’s not possible, but um, if it cannot remain that meaning that um, they go to the same school, they have the same friends, um, they still remain in contact with mummy’s family, with daddy’s family, they still see the grandparents if that can still remain the same for them, then that would be absolutely great for them.

If it cannot, then you have to be aware of how those changes are going to affect them because their world now has changed, and it will change even more if suddenly they can’t see the people that they have been seeing. So security, stability, predictability, if they can have that post-divorce then that would be really helpful for them, it can help them cope a lot yeah.

Are there tell-tale signs if the child is not coping with divorce?

Amazing, and so is there anything that you would say is like a tell-tale sign if they’re not coping with divorce? Yeah, um, yeah and this can also be dependent on age.

So let’s say through the, childhood lifespan if I can call it that um, some of the common uh, or usual um, observations that you can make if your child has not been able to cope or is not coping with divorce, is they can maybe withdraw, and just become really silent and this is something that you can even see with really young children even toddlers where they just become really quiet.

Um, sometimes people say “oh then, he’s just a baby, he doesn’t understand that mummy doesn’t live with us anymore or daddy doesn’t live with us anymore.” But if you look at that baby, the baby is aware that there’s a vacuum in the house that has been created.

There’s somebody I’m not seeing or hearing regularly um, so do they become withdrawn or, do they have mood swings do they go from being really quiet and then they just go they’re really quick to anger, which is usually um, one of the biggest signs that they’re not coping and they, you know really quick to anger. Are they um, just being fussy, wingy, whiny, what, what’s going on for them so it’s something to look for, to look, not forward to, but to look out for.

And then um, the other thing that can tell you if they’re not coping, is if, it, if their sleeping habits have changed. If they’re either sleeping too much or too little, if they’re eating too much or too little, whatever changes that you can see um, in terms of what you know how, how, how you would know.

And for some children, and this can happen even with children who are like 10 um, so it’s not just toddlers, they can become very clingy. So they want to know where everybody is, if dad gets up to go to the kitchen to get a coffee, “dad where are you going?” When you know and just, I need to know where everybody is, which can also, it can be so frustrating for parents, “I’m just going to have a shower, can I have that?” You know and it’s like yeah and you might open the door, and you might find them sited outside waiting for you, so they might actually be quite clingy.

Um, I think also, with little ones maybe, let me think and I’m not putting this in stone, but maybe children who are even up to 7/8, you might see some signs of regression. Um, meaning they start doing things that they used to do when they were little um, maybe the foods that they wanted to eat when they were little, if they only wanted to eat pasta with cheese for instance and they haven’t done that for, three years and now it’s just pasta and cheese it’s kind of like their comfort food, have they regressed in one way or the other.

Some children will, stop being able to do things for themselves it’s like “help me put on my jumper” and you’ve been doing that for the last 6 months but now it’s like, “I don’t know how put on my jumper.” So any signs of regression um, yeah I think I mean there, there are loads of other ones, I can’t think of all of them are not coming right now but yeah, those are some of the signs that can tell you when your child is not coping um, with, with, with the divorce or the new home situation.

What are the effects of divorce on children?

And what would you say are the effects of divorce on children? What are like the top ones that you can think of? The top ones that I can think of are, let’s say with school age children, it can be concentration, lack of focus they’re not able to focus anymore um, in school in class um, they’re, wondering “who’s picking me up”, “who’s dropping me off”, “what’s that going to be like” so the school um, environment can be affected.

Um, with older children who are probably sitting for assessments and so forth or have homework, you might see falling grades um, sometimes I’ve had parents who say oh no, no, no, no, the school is fine you know they’re happy, their grades are good, they’ve kept up with their grades and that’s great so that environment has not been affected probably because they’re still in the same school, it’s still the au pair, or the nanny, or the mum, or the grandparent, or the dad who’s picking them up so that side hasn’t change, which is great.

Um, and then the other thing that I can think of um, is the effects of, of divorce on children so you have, the school you have the fears that they might have um, you might have their view of the world you know with the older children for instance you know the world is broken, you know so, “don’t tell me what to do.” So they might become more belligerent, with whatever it is and not just with the parent, but also with other people in their lives. Um, yeah, so that’s, yeah, so that’s some of them.

What advice would you give to parents who are seeing a change in their child?

And what advice would you give to parents who are kind of like seeing a change in their child’s behaviour? How can they manage that? I would say with that um, if you see there’s a change in your child’s behaviour, name it.

Talk to them about it, bring it up, um, don’t, it’s almost like I remember um, attending this training and one thing you know one, two, two, three words I guess it is that, that um, I came away with it’s like connection before correction. So if you have, if you see your child’s behaviour is changing, then meet them where they are because their world has changed not, out of choice, but meet them where they are.

Um, name it say it um, you know “I’ve noticed that for the past week, or for the past two weeks, or the past six months”, or whatever you want you know however long it’s been um, “you’ve been kind of quiet you know um, and I’m just wondering you know how I can help and I’m thinking maybe it’s because of the divorce your dad and I, your mum and I” you know, um, “we’ve been through, I don’t know you know, it’s just something that I’ve noticed is going on with you.”

If they’re, so just reflecting back and we’ll talk about reflexivity again I’m sure but um, yeah as soon as you see any changes in behaviour name it, let them know that you’ve seen them, reflect it back to them um, and please let school know what’s going on at home, you know don’t tell the children “don’t tell school”, you know “don’t take our business to school” not at all because what you’re asking them, is to leave this house that’s already probably bringing them a lot of anxieties and insecurities and so forth, stay with it from 9 to 3:30 or 6 if they’re staying for after school club and then come home with it…

Quite a big ask for children so please let school know what’s going on so that they have somebody in school who’s looking after them. They need looking after nurturing as much as possible, yeah, I’m not sure if I’ve answered your question Amey, yeah, no that was really good really, really.

How much should a parent tell their child about the divorce?

And then so kind of following on from that, when the parents do speak to the children and tell them that they are getting a divorce or they are separating, how much should they actually tell the child about the divorce?

Okay, yeah, this is a question that I really get a lot um, ‘how much do I tell my child’. I always think, age appropriateness. Right um, first of all don’t speak disparagingly or denigrate the other parent and I know maybe I’ll get a bit of backlash from this no matter what they’ve done.

If mum has gone off and had an affair, and this is what’s breaking the, the family up, the child doesn’t really need to know everything about that. You know they don’t need to know oh “she went and had an affair with your PE teacher” I don’t know, you know, it doesn’t need to be said it can just be “something has changed” depending on what age the child is.

Older children, might have an idea already that mum or dad is having an affair or you know dad is going off, or mum is drinking too much they might know that there’s something already amiss. How much do you tell them? You tell them what they need to know.

So “we’re not living together anymore”, “we’re going to separate”, answer all the questions again, but don’t tell them how bad or how horrible the other parent has been and how they’ve mistreated you throughout the whole marriage and everything because as soon as you start doing that, and you start, and I use the word “vomiting everything on top of your child”, they have no way of cleaning up. They don’t have the power, to process and they don’t know where, where to put this you know.

Um, and I will say that with, even with older children/teenagers, let them find out that actually mum has always been really mean to dad and now I can see it, let them find out for themselves. Or, you know um, dad has been always mean to dad and this is how, you know this is why they don’t get on, they’ll find out for themselves. Your job at that moment is to actually continue nurturing them, looking after them, answering the qu, their questions in a way that you’re not putting adult matters on them.

They, they don’t need to know about the court case that’s happening next week and how – said this and how the um, report from the contact centre said that mum is not doing, they don’t need to know all of that. All they need to know is “where are my parents?”, “Am I okay?”, “Will this be okay?” Yeah, perfect.

What is the best co-parenting plan / child arrangement plan?

And what would you say is the best co-parenting plan or child arrangement? I know you’ve spoken with Beth about, you know bird nesting and co-parenting so I’d like to know what, what do you think is the best arrangement?

Yeah, the answer to that that I would come up with is when it’s completely child focussed. It’s child focussed, child-centred, that’s the best co-parenting plan. Um, a lot of the times when I’ve worked with parents uh, I’ve had parents who will come and the child arrangement that they’re coming with is completely focussed on the parents. “I want to see my child”, “I want to see my son”, “I want to see my daughter” and, so which means that their little tiny children who move between homes midweek um, and uh, and when, or if they’re away from the other parent, the other parent doesn’t want them to get in touch with them because “it’s my time with my child.”

When it’s child-centred and child-focussed, “how can I make their world better” then you get a really good co-parenting plan. Um, and it’s hard sometimes especially when you don’t get on with the other parent, it’s really hard, it’s like grr, “I really don’t want to see her today I don’t”, “it’s Thursday she’s coming to you know”, put on your, big girls blouse, pants whatever, and do what you need to do, to make sure that your child says “bye mum, bye dad, I’ll see you later” as opposed to going “dad can we go now, can we go now, can we go now” or having your seven-year-old saying “it’s okay dad I’ll go and meet mum, at you know at the gate myself.”

You know all of that because they don’t want the animosity so the, the co-parenting plan um, is when it’s very, very focussed and I will say as structured as possible, because children need to know, ‘who am I with when, what time’, ‘how am I getting there’, then you’re giving them stability and security in their lives.

With bird nesting, which is um, for those who don’t know we have actually a video on, on um, on The Divorce Magazine about bird nesting and another article about bird nesting but it’s where the children remain in the house, and then the parents move out. So, and then they alternate so this day, daddy comes to the house and looks after the children for a week let’s say and then the next week mum or other dad comes to the house and looks after the children for that week and um, so they stay in, in the house.

And um, I like that I have to say, I like that because if I keep talking about predictability and um, predictability and stability for the children and consistency, that’s a really good way of there being consistency and predictability so they don’t forget “I forgot my homework books at dad’s house”, “I forgot this at, at you know mum’s house” and so forth. So there’s you know there isn’t any of that.

Um, I think in that interview with Beth I actually mentioned having spoken with an adult child of divorce recently when I knew I was going to, to interview Beth, and I asked her “would that have worked for her? Can she imagine that being um, for her? And um, and she said, “I don’t know because it means that I’m left in the house that, where everything broke down and then you get to leave.” Right, “maybe I want to leave, maybe I want a change from one home to the other.”

So there’s that to also keep in mind and, and the other thing with bird nesting it’s not for everybody, because where there is like Beth was saying “where there’s substance abuse, where there’s domestic abuse um, where there psychological emotional”, where there’s you know it’s really, really uh, conducive for the other parent, then maybe bird nesting is not the way. Maybe the other parent who’s going through, whatever form of abuse, or if they, if that the, the parent with a substance abuse is there, maybe not sharing a home you know in that way and having a break could be better for that parent, but then it reflects back to the children. Yeah.

How can parents encourage their children to express their feelings?

And how would you say um, parents can encourage their children to express their feelings and concerns when going through the whole divorce process? I love this question um, why do I like it? Because uh, it talks of reflexivity.

And um, reflexivity is when you reflect back to the child, what’s going on. So like if you think of the child’s mind like uh, black box we don’t know really what’s going on in there, so we are trying to find out and, whatever is in the child’s mind, is showing in their behaviour, just like whatever is in our mind comes out in our behaviour.

So with a child um, when you keep reflecting back to them um, you know “seeing daddy leave might you know seems like it made you sad or, it seems like this new setup is frustrating you”, you’re encouraging them to, acknowledge their own feelings for one and saying to them “you know what, what you’re feeling is actually right, it’s valid, it’s spot on” um, as opposed to not mentioning it or, dismissing it and saying “oh I know your dad’s just left but you’re not going to play up with me” you know “that’s it go to the bath, have your bath like I said” and they just like, you know “I just want to see my dad”, “I just want to see my mum”, you know that kind of thing.

So reflecting back and telling them, “I can see you, I hear you, I see what is going on.” When you reflect back to them, then also what you’re saying to them is that “this is what we need to do”, we need to acknowledge, we need to talk about our feelings and it’s okay sometimes to actually say “you know what, I feel sad that the marriage has broken down as well” you know, “I feel sad about it and I struggle sometimes” um, you know with this or with that but just encouraging them to talk to about their feelings.

But it means that as parents we need to be very vigilant about what is going on in this child, and reflecting it back to them and then they learn, ah, so this is how I’m feeling and it’s okay, I get it. I’m not saying they won’t play up, you know they will but at least their feelings have been acknowledged and it’s okay they might say “I’m really angry with you, I hate you so much” and when they say that it’s because they’re really, really angry that’s their way to show that they’re really angry so just saying to them, “yeah I know you say you hate me and I think what you’re telling me is that you’re really, really angry with me.”

Yeah, yeah, I like that it’s really like validating to the child and making them yeah, yeah. And validating is the word actually it’s validating their feelings yeah, absolutely.

How do I ensure my child thrives not only during a divorce, but afterwards as well?

Erm, so what’s the most important piece of advice the parents who want to ensure their children thrive during, but also after the divorce as well? It’s a tricky question but, it’s a very tricky question and it’s kind of like a big question and I’m thinking um, the most important advice and this is so hard because divorce brings out the worst in us.

You know you can do things during the divorce process that, if anyone had told you, you were going to do that you’d be like “absolutely not, that’s not me”, right and then you go through divorce and you’re like, all guns blazing and you’re, you’re annoyed.

But I think the most important advice that I would give um, to parents is please don’t denigrate or disparage the other child’s the, the child’s other parent, to the child or within ears shot of the child. Don’t talk about what a lousy dad or piece of whatever mum can be and she’s a this and he’s a that, don’t do that when the child is there or when they can hear it.

Don’t argue with the other parent over the phone and say “you always come late I can’t believe it no, no, no.” Don’t create an environment that is causing anxiety to your child. Be the adult in the room, take that anxiety, and take it somewhere else but don’t give it to the child. Don’t think the child needs to know what kind of a dad he is or what kind of a mum she is he doesn’t, or she doesn’t or they don’t.

What they need to know is, my world is going to be okay, and we are the ones who are going to have to do that. So take your anxieties, anger and put them somewhere else, don’t put them on the child and if ever you do, say something that is not nice about the other parent, to the child, apologise. And even if it’s the next day you just say “ do you know what I’ve been thinking I shouldn’t have said that about your dad, because he is your dad I shouldn’t have said that” how, even if you’re thinking ‘I said it because I really mean it’, you’re looking after your child. Yeah. And that’s what matters most. Yeah, yeah.

Amazing, well that’s all the questions I have today but thank you so much, really, really insightful and hopefully these resonate with some people and it helps them kind of navigate the whole process through divorce and separation. Yes, yeah and, and just as a parting you know, note um, like I said to you one time divorce will always be a watershed moment for the children but what happens after, that, that can be the biggest, I would say probably the primary trauma in their lives, what happens after that. Mum and Dad splitting up, one thing, how it’s managed, that’s the most important thing, from then on. Yeah. Okay thank you, thank you so much, thank you, take care.

[Music]

Read more articles by Dr Soila Sindiyo.

About Dr Soila Sindiyo

Dr Soila Sindiyo is a counselling psychologist and a child development psychologist who has worked with children, young people and families for several years. She is the founding editor of The Divorce Magazine and is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner.

Her private practice website parentinglives.co.uk.

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