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How to Apply for Divorce when your Spouse Won’t Sign the Divorce Papers

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How to Apply for Divorce
Anne McAllister Associate Solicitor

A divorce throws up many different emotions and whilst this can result in some spouses seeking to address the legal position immediately on separation, for others the thought of legal proceedings of any kind can be overwhelming.

In this situation, issues can often arise with the progression of divorce proceedings and one of the most common problems that solicitors are asked to advise on is what to do when one spouse is failing to engage with the divorce process or their exact whereabouts are unknown.

The basics on How to Apply for Divorce when your Spouse won’t Sign

When a Petitioner spouse issues a divorce petition, the Court then sends a copy to the Respondent spouse together with a request to complete and return a form called the “acknowledgement of service” to the court within 7 days of receipt.

The purpose of the acknowledgement of service is for the Respondent to acknowledge receipt of the divorce petition and to indicate to the court whether he/she wished to defend the proceedings.

In order for the divorce to proceed, the court must be satisfied that the Respondent has received the necessary papers and has had the opportunity to respond to the petition if they wish to do so.

The challenges

If the acknowledgement of service is not returned to the court then in order to progress the proceedings, the Petitioner spouse will need to consider what steps can be taken in order to satisfy the court that the Respondent has indeed received the documents and is simply choosing not to return the acknowledgement of service.

how to apply for divorce
How to apply for divorce when respondent’s address is unknown.

There are a number of options for the Petitioner spouse to consider:

Where the address of the Respondent Spouse is not known

Best efforts should be made to try and locate where the Respondent spouse is living but if the Petitioner spouse cannot find this information then they may wish to consider making an application for substituted service.

If the Petitioner has the details of the Respondent’s workplace or a close family member who they know to be in touch with the Respondent then an application can be made for permission to serve the papers at this third party address- this is known as “substituted service” and the application should be made at the outset of the application.

Where the address of the Respondent spouse is known

If the acknowledgment of service is not returned within the court’s timetable then a request can be made for personal service by the county court bailiff or a private process server. This independent third party will then attend the Respondent and personally serve them with a copy of the documents. The bailiff/process server will then prepare a statement of service that is filed with the court as proof that the Respondent spouse has received the documents.

Alternatively, if the Petitioner Spouse has good evidence that the Respondent has received the documents then he/she can use this evidence to support an application to the court for deemed service.

An example of the type of evidence that might be appropriate would be an email, text or note from the Respondent referring to the papers- a conversation or telephone call would probably not be enough as there is unlikely to be any independent evidence.

If the Court is satisfied that the documents have been received by the Respondent spouse then the Judge can make an order that service is deemed to have taken place and the divorce process can continue.

There will be an additional court fee for deemed service and so if the issue is the Respondent’s failure to engage then it may well be worth asking the court to make a costs order at the same time- although the practicalities of enforcing a costs order is a matter for another article..

It is always a good idea to get legal advice about any issues with service so that you use the correct method to ensure the timely progress of your petition.

 

Anne McAllister is a family solicitor and Mediator at Morrisons Solicitors LLP and deals with matrimonial, financial and children issues arising from separation. She is based in their Wimbledon office and together with her colleagues she assists clients across London and Surrey.

You can contact Anne on 0208 971 1080, Anne.McAllister@morrlaw.com or by visiting www.morrlaw.com

 

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I want a Divorce – Contemplating Divorce

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

It is true that no two divorces are the same, but it is also true that there are some features and traits that run through the veins of most divorce processes.

If you find yourself thinking or stating, “I want a divorce,” or if you are contemplating divorce, here are some things that you need to keep in mind.

Firstly and in no particular order, it is very, very likely going to get rough.

I know of couples who start off their divorce process saying that they will not get into “it” but truth be told, you will at some point or other about one thing or another.

A divorcing friend once said to me, “Our divorce will not get as nasty as yours did,” but it did happen when it came to creating the parenting plan – a very common bone of contention in divorce.

Please, please, please keep in mind that this is quite normal in divorce. It is a fight and it may indeed become a full blown war. When this happens, don’t be surprised. It is part of the divorce process, as callous and dismissive as that sounds. But if you prepare yourself to see the worst side of your soon to be ex, then you will be better able to cope.

So get a good support system around you.  Someone or people who can be and remain objective as opposed to those who will only serve in fanning the flames of your anger, resentment and outrage. Someone who is comfortable enough to say to you, “Dont’ be silly, that’s a riduclous thing to say or do.”

Secondly, prepare to meet your worst side.

You will be astonished that you’re capable of the most awful thoughts, words and wishes than you ever thought yourself capable off.

You will utter the most awful things and you will have lethal and toxic emotions of the worst kind. Deal with them.

Accept that they are there but don’t let them govern, control or regulate your actions. Saying, “she made me do it,” will not cut it with the judge neither will “he asked for it!” The sooner you take responsibility for your own actions the better and the less frequently you will act upon them.

Just don’t make decisions when you are full of anger.  Leave it, sleep on it and keep in mind what Benjamin Franklin said, “Whatever is begun in anger, ends in shame.”  Amen to that!

Thirdly, when the war erupts, don’t take it personally. Yes, I know, easier said than done, but I promise you, I

Contemplating divorce
When contemplating divorce, remember to keep the children out of it.

practised this during my second divorce and it helped PLENTY!  I still use it in my daily life and it turns out that it’s a very useful coping skill to have.

During the divorce process, you will fight and truth be told, you would behave in exactly the same way as your ex is if you were made of the same genes and had the same perspective and life experiences. He isn’t fighting you, he is fighting the situation.

She isn’t being hostile towards you per se, it is the situation, the divorce process, that is making her do so. In reality, she would behave the same way if you were Tom, Dick or Harry. It just happens to be you in the firing line or in the ring with her. And he would hate you just as much as he is now if you were Mary, Jane or Lucy – by the way is there the feminie equivalent of Tom, Dick and Harry?  I googled it but couldn’t find anything?

Fourthly, there are other ways of getting a divorce. The divorce process doesn’t have to involve divorce solicitors although, you may still need them at some point, especially if your are lucky enough to have a fairly amicable divorce.  Thankfully today, there are other ways round it. Think family mediation, collaborative law, McKenzie Friends or DIY through the courts. Find what suits you.

Fifth, as mentioned in previous point, get legal advice.  Many solicitors offer a 30 min free consultation. Prepare, prepare, prepare your questions in advance so you can cover as much as possible AND do take a friend with you because they will be better placed in retaining whatever information you get than you would be in this emotional time of your life . So two things, prepare whatever you need to know and take someone with you.

Sixth, remember to deal with your financial order. We have seen in recent times, Vince vs Wyatt, how not dealing with the your financial order and getting a clean break can come back to haunt you. Make sure you get it all done. All of it or as much of it as possible so nothing is left pending.

Seventh, the children have got nothing to do with your split yet everything to do with it. Please, please, please, keep your children out of it.

Look after them and don’t involve them in adult matters. They don’t need to know because they are unable to handle it. They don’t have the maturity to manage the situation. Instead contain their fears and anxieties.

Answer their questions as best as you can by using age appropriate vocabulary. Read up on the effects of divorce on children, why children need fathers or both parents and keep them in mind at all times as you create your age appropriate parenting plan.

If you are able to keep your children in mind, things fall into place because you have a focus, a focal point that is made up of the hearts, minds and wellbeing of the most important people in your life as you both are to them.

Divorce can get crazy and it usually does. Your soon to be ex becomes your enemy, the last person that you want to see or the last voice you want to hear. The mention of their name sends anger spasms through your body, mind and spirit.

For some, not all, but I dare say most, the divorce process does happen like this but it doesn’t have to stay this way.  You alone can control your side of things, your way of handling situations and how well your children cope with the divorce process.

Here are 3 Friedrich Nietzsche quotes that I hope will help in any way possible:

Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster.

There are no facts, only interpretations.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

It may not look like it now but there is life after divorce.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the five star-rated online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

 

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what divorce taught me

What Divorce Taught Me about “Me” – “JungleDiva”

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What Divorce Taught Me about "Me”
Jungle Diva

If 10 years ago you told me that at the age of 32 I would be divorced, I would have probably laughed so hard in your face.

Never in my entire life had that thought ever crossed my mind.

I clearly remember just after I got married and I went to visit one of my relatives and my uncle said to me: ‘’Well, wishing you all the best. Keep in mind that children from divorced families always end up getting divorced’’.

This came as a complete shock to me, especially coming from a blood relative, but that statement somehow always lingered behind my sub conscious.

Fast forward 2012 when my ex and I parted ways. Nobody really prepares you for this part of your life. Forget about the conversations and agreeing on going separate ways; the hardest part is actually walking away from it all, from what has been your life and love for years. Nobody can prepare you enough for that!

But once you are out, when you have the balls to actually move out, then you are ready for the next step.

Finding a place to live in a foreign country with a foreign language is extremely hard, especially when you are not conversant with the language.

That was my biggest struggle, but thanks to Google translate, I was able to understand part of documents that I was signing.

Hard part was when I had to move! I did it all alone! The day I actually drove back and forth between my ‘new home’ and what was soon to become my ‘old home’ made me realize how people live such isolated lives in the West.

I missed my friends and family back home so much it hurt. I remember crying all the way to my new apartment and all the way back.

I had never felt so alone in my entire life! I was going through so much emotion at some point I got numb from it all. At that point I realized that I was in a foreign country all alone and I could either crumble down from my pain or actually be strong and get moving! I decided to get moving!

Then came the pain….when I was all alone in my  new apartment, with just walls around me…pin drop silence…just me and my thoughts.

When I was forced to face my emotions and what I was going through head on. I cried for hours!

It felt so good to be able to cry. I realized just how much I had died inside. I numbed my emotions for years in order to avoid the pain, but here was I all alone and the reality hit me so hard that tears came down freely. I needed to do that. I needed to water my soul again after such numbness for years! And boy didn’t I drown my soul!

dealing with divorce - change lawyers www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk

After that night, it was one step at a time. The meeting with the lawyer, drawing up the divorce covenant, separating accounts etc.

Signing the papers with the lawyer was such a relief!

I felt like a heavy burden had been lifted off my shoulder!

I knew I had my life back and I was determined to live it to the fullest! That included finding love, and this time I was determined to find love that would help me grow as an individual, love that would be unconditional, love that would have respect and trust, love that would bring friendship before anything else.

Love that would let me be myself and not a shadow of someone else, love that would set my sprit free. And I found it!

6 months after my divorce! I have never been this happy as I am at this moment in my life!

I can honestly say that the divorce was a good thing for me. I have no regrets about my previous marriage, it was part of life that I needed to go through to cave me into this wonderful person I am today.

I know 100% for sure that I would not be half the person I am today if I hadn’t gone through the life I did in my previous marriage and through the divorce. There are so many things I could have done different, but I wouldn’t change anything because the experiences made me.

I should have walked out sooner for sure, but I wouldn’t change my past. I learnt so much about myself in the whole process.

  • I learnt that I am responsible for my own happiness, nobody is and that is the truth and the naked truth. I owned my happiness and it was my responsibility to take charge of it, nobody was going to hand it to me on a silver platter.
  • I learnt that if you suppress one emotion you suppress ALL emotions. You can never fool your subconscious! For many years I suppressed my anger and pain so much, in the process I killed love, laughter and joy. I got numb from everything, a mistake I will never make again.
  • I learnt that if you don’t speak up or stand up for yourself, people will walk all over you and trust me they will! Being brought up in a typical African culture, I was taught to never really say exactly what I was feeling. I was so passive. This meant that I let people walk all over me all the time including my ex husband.
  • I learnt that the mind, soul and heart will always adjust to any situation: bad or good. Take one step from your emotions and make a decision using your brain rather than your heart. Everything else will adjust later on.
  • Hope springs eternal
    Yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel

    I learnt that I am ‘Society’ and I could make my own rules and live my life the way “society’ wanted me to live. I was my own “Society” and I made my own rules. I stopped worrying so much about what the rest of the ‘Society’ viewed divorce and decided that the rest would just have to adjust to my choice. This included my friends and family.

  • I learnt that friendship has levels and purposes. Some friends are only meant to be in your life for a specific period and nothing else, some friends are meant to come into your life to solely help you get past something and move on, some friends are meant to only love with you, some friends are meant to cry with you, some friends are meant to lift you up emotionally and spiritually, while some friends need you to lift them instead. Once a friendship  has served it’s full purpose, it’s best to let it go. Holding on to it, when it’s purpose is complete will only cause pain to friends. With that in mind , I have been able to let go of friendship that don’t serve any purpose and been able to make amazing new friendship, temporary and permanent!
  • I learnt that there is so much love out there! There is someone who is ready and open to love you! There is someone whose heart and yours are waiting to connect. There is someone who is waiting for you to get into their life, either temporary or permanently! There is so much love in this world, you just need to open your heart!
  • The best I learnt was that I am an amazing soul..a wonderful sister,a great colleague, a good daughter, a beautiful friend. I am a strong woman who is not afraid to get in touch with her emotions. I am a strong women who is not afraid to take chances! I am no longer afraid to stand up for myself and to speak when I need to. I am no longer ready to live behind the shadow! I am no longer afraid to be vulnerable; to take chances on love; to let people in and out of my life; to be comfortable in my own skin! I am no longer afraid to be me!

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The Divorce Process UK

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Another informative and valuable infographic from Davis Blank Furniss showing the divorce process in the UK so you know what to expect along the way and approximately how long you might expect the divorce process to last.

You may also be interested in the previous infographic by Davis Blank Furniss –  Divorce Facts and Divorce Myths Debunked

the divorce process uk

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dealing with divorce - change lawyers www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk

Dealing with Divorce in 3 Steps – Change Lawyers

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SuzyMillerBW-WebDo I need to change lawyers?

In this interview with Sandie Martel of Be OK Therapy, the UK’s Alternative Divorce Guide Suzy Miller interviews her about the second of 3 key pieces of advice, taken from Sandie’s personal story to help you cope with your divorce in the best possible manner.

Change Lawyers If You Need To

Change lawyers if the one you hired does not meet your expectations.

I know it can be costly but it could cost you so much more if you do not follow your guts on that. If the person you choose does not correspond to who you are and wants to influence you in a direction you did not want to take – then change!

You might even consider going for Mediation if you believe this is what is more suitable for you, since Mediation allows you to take more control of the divorce process, reduce conflict and save money.

You are going to have to meet or speak to this person for a few months at least, so make sure you get on well and he or she does what you expect them to do.

I was OK and felt very confident when I first started the process and met my lawyer in London for the first time on a Friday. I left the meeting in tears and spent the most horrible weekend (without my kids) in bed, crying.

This person was very vindicative and bitter and it did not work well with me. I know this person wanted the best for me financially, but I did not want my divorce to become a battleground.

I had no intention of ruining my ex-husband’s life, neither my kids’, nor mine.

After the weekend, I decided to search for another lawyer, someone who really listened to my needs and worked with me, without pushing me in any direction.

I was given advice, and I sometimes followed and other times I chose not to do as I was told.  It was my divorce – my choice. And I did not feel forced to do anything against my will.

Isn’t that how it should be for everyone?”

Look out for part 3 of Dealing with Divorce tomorrow!

Suzy Miller is the creator of The Alternative Divorce Guide 

Follow Suzy Miller on Twitter and Facebook

Follow Sandie Martel on Twitter

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Involvling other Experts in your Collaborative Law Process

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Collaborative law is where the couple come together with their own collaborative lawyer and discuss matters fact to face.  There are no letters sent.  Each client instructs their own collaborative lawyer and they, the clients and the solicitors sign an agreement not to make an application to court. If no agreement is reached in the meetings then new lawyers must be instructed if the matter is to go to court.

Austin Chessell
Family Solicitor and Mediator at Shortands Solicitors

When I started working in Family Law in 2005 I would regularly go to court four to five times a week. I thought that there must be a better way to achieve family outcomes as a lot of the clients who obtained a court order were not happy with the order and wanted to return to court to appeal the decision sometimes.

I trained as a Family Mediator in 2009 and as a Collaborative Family Solicitor in 2013 and have to say that the majority of  clients I act for today go through the Collaborative Law or Family Mediation process and tend to be more satisfied with these outcomes than they would be if they had gone through the court system.  The main reason for this is that during the whole process, they make their own decisions as in which way to go rather than have a court decision imposed upon them.

You need to choose the right process for you but if you want an outcome that focuses on interests rather than fixed positions you may want to use Collaborative Law or Family Mediation.

Clients consult Collaborative Solicitors for legal advice and solutions to their legal problems but when there exists issues outside the legal framework and where a specialist is required then they, the specialist, can become part of the four way meetings between the two clients and the two collaborative solicitors. An order can be prepared if an agreement is then reached in the final sessions.

Involving other professionals does not have to mean costs will escalate. If the other professional can tackle the problem and solve it, it can often mean that matters can be resolved quicker and more amicably.  For instance:

  • Couple Therapists:  it may be the case that you are looking to make the marriage work. In the event that meetings with the couple therapist do not work then the door is always open to return to Collaborative Law.
  • Couple counsellingFamily Consultants:  they can work either one on one or with both clients. It may be that you want to explore how the co-parenting will work during the Collaborative process and as well as after the separation. Family Consultants can also help explore any hopes and anxieties you may have during the Collaborative and post Collaborative process.
  •  Child Specialists. it is important that the voice of the child be heard about how childcare arrangements will work. Some mediators do further training so that they can meet with the child (Direct Consultation With Children) where both parents consent to this and it can be very useful in providing details of what the children want the parents to know to help shape current and future childcare arrangements and how holiday childcare arrangements will work.  
  • Independent Financial Advisors. If the financial settlement is to provide a lump sum it may be useful to consult an Independent Financial Advisor to discuss investments or if the main asset is the pension to discuss how pension planning will work.  
  • Accountants. I have worked with accountants in the past where it has been necessary to value business assets during a divorce. The valuations can provide accurate and useful information to the clients when discussing settlement options.

Working with Collaborative professionals can be done at a timescale that works for you rather than having to follow a court timetable as Collaborative Law meetings take place outside of court.

It can take time to have to prepare a joint letter of instruction through solicitors if you are not using the Collaborative process while any instructions for the experts in Collaborative Law can be discussed in an open forum during the four-five way meetings.

If you want to know more about Collaborative Law you should speak to a trained Collaborative Family Solicitor.

Austin Chessell is a Family Mediator who is also trained to mediate with Children. He is also a Collaborative Family Solicitor at Shortlands Solicitors

Email: achessell@shortlands.co.uk

Telephone: 0207 629 9905

Twitter: @FamilyLawLondon

 

 

 

 

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