coping with divorce

Coping with Divorce/Moving On/Well-being/Your Emotions

Shouldn’t Divorce Get Easier As Time Passes?

Published on October 12, 2026September 16, 2026

Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

Why You Feel Worse Before You Feel Better After Divorce

It feels as though the third year after divorce should be easier than the first two, right?

You’ve got time behind you. You’ve gotten used to the new routines. You’re supposed to be “moving on”. You’ve survived the initial upheaval and, on the surface at least, life is beginning to feel more normal.

And yet, if all of that was true, there wouldn’t be that strange freefall feeling that can happen when you reach the two year mark.

I see this happen again and again with the women I work with. They feel as though they’re tracking well. They’ve got through the initial crisis, they’re highly functioning, they’ve built new routines and they’re getting on with life. Then, somewhere around that two-year mark, something shifts and they start questioning everything.

It was exactly the same for me.

I divorced with two young children. My son was eight and my daughter was five, so life was already incredibly full. There were school runs, appointments, homework, weekend sport, and all the ordinary demands that come with raising small children.

Then you add divorce to that.

Custody arrangements. Stress. Anxiety. Fear about the future. Grief. Dealing with extended family. Losing friendships. Trying to create some kind of new normal when the family structure you had built your life around has disintegrated.

There wasn’t much time to stop and think about how I was actually doing. I was focused on getting everyone else through it.

Of course, the demands look different when your children are teenagers or young adults. You might not be dealing with school runs and bath time anymore, but you may be navigating teenage emotions, exams, relationships, independence, university, or supporting a young adult who is finding their own way. You’re still very capable of putting their needs ahead of your own.

And this is something I see particularly often in high-performing women. We are very good at getting everyone else through difficult things. We organise, we solve problems, we keep things moving, we show up at work, we make sure the children are okay and we somehow keep functioning when, underneath it all, we are struggling.

We are often the last ones to get a glimpse of the care we give to everyone else who needs it.

This is why the two-year mark can be such a significant point.

By then, things have usually become quieter. The legalities are, in most cases, over. The paperwork and negotiations are behind you. You’ve finally stopped thinking of your ex-spouse as your partner, and your children have started to get their heads around the change and settle into their new routines.

And suddenly, there is space to think.

Space to look back. To wonder where it all went wrong. To question whether you could have done things differently. To really feel the reality of running your own life and your own home, and perhaps being a single mother in a way you hadn’t quite allowed yourself to fully acknowledge before.

And that reality can be incredibly confronting.

Your mind can start reaching back towards the comfort zone of marriage. Sure, it wasn’t perfect. You know why you left. But it was familiar, and familiarity can feel very comforting when you’re standing at the beginning of a completely unknown road.

The road to rebuilding a life from scratch.

And for women in midlife, there can be another layer to this. Your children may be getting older and becoming more independent, and suddenly the question of your own life becomes much louder.

Who are you now? What do you actually want? What does this next chapter look like when so much of your identity has been tied up in being a wife and a mother?

The first couple of years are about survival. You get yourself through each day. You go to work, achieve at your usual high standard, make sure the family have everything they need and try to create a healthy and amicable co-parenting relationship.

You might start dating again. You’re figuring out where you fit within your old extended family. You’re navigating friendships, growing professionally. There is a huge amount going on.

So where, in all of that, is there time to stop, catch your breath and actually feel what has happened to you?

For me, most of my intense grieving hit around the two-year mark. The quiet was deafening. The grief and loneliness was all encompassing.

I understand now why the two-year mark seems to be such a significant marker for so many of the women I work with.

It’s not necessarily that something has gone wrong. In many ways, it’s the opposite. You’ve finally got everyone through the initial impact, and there is enough space in your life for you to feel what you have been carrying.

And that can feel like a setback.

You might suddenly feel anxious again. You might start questioning your decision. You might miss your ex. You might wonder whether you made a terrible mistake. You might feel desperately sad, confused or completely unlike the woman who seemed to be doing so well six months ago.

If this is happening to you, please don’t panic.

You haven’t undone all the progress you’ve made. You haven’t gone backwards, and it doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision. It doesn’t mean you should think about going back or that something is wrong with you.

It may simply be that you’ve reached a point where there is finally enough quiet for you to process what you have actually been through.

You are a woman who has been through something enormous. You got yourself and everyone around you through the first impact. Now it’s time to give the love, support and care you gave to everyone else, to yourself.

You don’t need to have it all figured out.

You may simply need some time, some space and some support to feel and process what you were too busy to feel.

If you’re a few years down the track and wondering what on earth is happening to you, take a breath. There is nothing wrong with you. This is all very normal.

You can reframe this time as a unique opportunity.

Start asking yourself what care looks like for you now, and what’s going to support you the most as you begin to build this next part of your post-divorce life.

About Carol Madden

I’m Carol Madden, a Post-Divorce Life Coach working with women around the world from my online practice.

I work with women who have been divorced for two years or more and thought they’d feel better by now. They’re functioning and getting on with life, but still struggling to let go, heal and move forward in their new post-divorce lives.

I’ve been through divorce myself, and that experience led me to this work. I know what it’s like to look fine on the outside while still carrying grief, guilt, confusion and all the unanswered questions underneath, even several years later.

I also know what it takes to come out the other side and build a life that feels good again.

I help women get to the heart of what’s holding them back, stop looking backwards and find the strength to move forward, even when it feels hard.

Discover me on social media:

Coping with Divorce

From Screenshot Pile to Working Chronology: Preparing for a Solicitor or Mediator

Published on September 9, 2026September 8, 2026

Mielad Niekzad
Platform Engineer
Casewell

Separation has a habit of producing an enormous digital archive.

WhatsApp messages. Emails. Photographs. School correspondence. Appointment letters. Calendar entries. Receipts. Screenshots saved at midnight because something felt important and you were frightened you might later forget it.

After several months, it is quite possible to have hundreds – perhaps thousands – of items stored across a phone, inbox and cloud account.

The instinct to preserve information is understandable. The problem comes when you need to explain what has actually happened to somebody else.

A folder containing 600 screenshots may contain important information, but it does not necessarily communicate it.

If you are preparing for a conversation with a mediator or solicitor, the objective should not be to present the largest possible archive. It should be to make the relevant history understandable.

That means moving from collection to chronology.

The screenshot problem

Imagine that you need to explain a disagreement about arrangements for your child.

You remember that it happened sometime in March. There were several WhatsApp conversations, an email from school and perhaps a photograph connected with it. You know you have everything somewhere. But where?

You begin searching your camera roll. Screenshot 184 leads to screenshot 185, which refers to an earlier conversation. Then you search WhatsApp. Then your email.

Twenty minutes later, you are reconstructing the event yourself. Now imagine asking a mediator or solicitor, who has never seen any of this before, to do the same thing.

This is the difference between having information and having a usable record.

Build the chronology first

A simple chronology can act as the index to everything else. Each entry need only answer a few basic questions:

When did it happen?
What happened?
Who was involved?
Is there supporting material?

An entry might look something like this:

12 March 2026 – Change to school collection

At 9.14 am I received a message asking whether I could collect our daughter from school instead of the previously agreed collection arrangement. I confirmed at 9.32 am that I could do so and collected her at approximately 3.20 pm.

Supporting material: WhatsApp conversation, 12 March 2026.

Nothing dramatic is required. In fact, the more factual the entry, the more useful it generally becomes.

Separate the event from your interpretation of it

This is one of the most important habits when organising records.

There is a considerable difference between writing: “He deliberately ignored my messages because he wanted to make things difficult.” and: “I sent messages at 10.14 am and 3.42 pm asking whether he could attend the appointment. I had not received a response by 6 pm.”

The first statement contains an interpretation of another person’s intentions. The second records observable events.

That distinction matters because your chronology should help another person understand what occurred without requiring them to adopt your interpretation of it. Words such as always, never, deliberately, manipulative and unreasonable can easily creep into notes written during stressful periods. Where possible, replace conclusions with the underlying event.

If somebody repeatedly cancelled arrangements, for example, you do not necessarily need to write that they were “unreliable”. Record the dates and what happened. The pattern, if there is one, can then speak for itself.

It is also sensible to write on the assumption that your chronology may one day be read by somebody other than you. Depending on the circumstances, material you create may later be seen by professionals involved in your case or potentially by the other parent. Keep the language factual, measured and something you would be comfortable having attributed to you. If you are unsure about confidentiality, disclosure or how particular records may be used, seek legal advice.

Give every source a home

Once the chronology exists, your screenshots and documents become supporting material rather than the story itself. A basic naming system can make an enormous difference:

2026-03-12 – WhatsApp – school collection
2026-03-18 – School email – attendance
2026-03-24 – Appointment letter – paediatric clinic
2026-04-02 – Email – Easter arrangements

The precise naming convention is less important than consistency. Dates are particularly useful because they naturally place files into chronological order.

The aim is simple: if somebody asks you for the material relating to an event six months ago, you should be able to find it without scrolling through your entire camera roll.

Not every disagreement needs an entry

For many separating parents, once record-keeping begins there can be a temptation to document everything: a late message, an unpleasant remark, a five-minute delay, or a disagreement that was resolved ten minutes later. Before adding something to a routine co-parenting chronology, it can therefore be useful to ask whether you are reasonably likely to need to remember it in six months, or whether it helps explain an issue that may actually need to be discussed.

If the answer to both is no, it may not need an entry. Good record-keeping is partly about preserving information; it is also about keeping the resulting record usable.

There is, however, an important exception.

Where safety or controlling behaviour is a concern

If you are experiencing abuse, coercive control, harassment, stalking or another pattern of behaviour that causes you concern for your or your children’s safety, the approach above may not be appropriate. A series of incidents that appears minor when each is viewed in isolation can sometimes be significant precisely because of the pattern it forms.

In those circumstances, recording events more comprehensively and as close to the time as you safely can may be important. Seek specialist or legal advice early about what to record, how to preserve it and, crucially, how to do so without increasing risk to yourself or your children. If keeping records on a particular device or account could itself put you at risk, prioritise your safety over any organisational system.

Include ordinary events where they provide context

In an ordinary co-parenting chronology, a record containing only conflict can unintentionally become a catalogue of grievances rather than an account of family life. Ordinary events can sometimes provide useful context: a handover happened as agreed, both parents attended a school event, a proposed schedule change was discussed and resolved, or an appointment took place without difficulty.

The purpose is accuracy, not building the strongest possible case against another person.

Again, this should not be treated as a rule for situations involving abuse or coercive control, where the appropriate approach to documentation may be quite different.

Keep the archive; prepare a smaller working pack

You do not necessarily need to delete anything simply because it is not immediately relevant. Instead, distinguish between your archive and your working pack.

The archive might contain hundreds of original messages, emails, photographs and documents. The working pack should be much smaller and tailored to the conversation you are about to have.

Before a mediation or solicitor meeting, it might contain:

a concise chronology covering the relevant period;
the key documents referred to within it;
any important dates or arrangements;
a short note identifying genuine gaps or uncertainties; and
the questions you actually need help resolving.

This changes the conversation. Instead of beginning with, “I have hundreds of screenshots I need to show you,” you can begin with: “These are the events I think are relevant. I’ve put them in date order, and I have the original material available if you need to see it.”

That is a much easier starting point for everybody.

Organise around the issue, not the relationship

If you are preparing for mediation about school arrangements, your entire history since separation may not be relevant to that discussion. The same applies to conversations about holidays, handovers, expenses or another particular issue.

Ask yourself: What question are we actually trying to resolve?

Then identify the events and material that help explain that question. This can be particularly important when emotions are understandably high. Separation is rarely experienced as a collection of neat, isolated problems; everything can feel connected. But a professional trying to help you may need to separate those strands.

Organising your working material around the issue at hand can help them do that. Where there are wider safety concerns or an alleged pattern of behaviour, however, tell the professional rather than deciding for yourself that the wider history is irrelevant.

Preserve the originals

Organisation should not mean rewriting history. Keep original emails, messages, photographs and documents wherever reasonably possible.

If you create a summary, recognise that it is a summary. If you quote a message, retain the original conversation. And if you are uncertain about something, say so.

I believe this happened around 4 March, although I do not have a contemporaneous record confirming the exact date.

That is preferable to creating certainty where none exists. Similarly, distinguish between something you personally witnessed and something somebody subsequently told you. Accuracy includes acknowledging the limits of your own record.

A chronology is an organisational tool, not a verdict

Perhaps the most important point is what a personal chronology cannot do.

It cannot determine somebody else’s intentions. It does not establish that every recorded allegation is true. And the fact that something has been saved does not automatically make it legally relevant or admissible.

Questions about evidence, privacy, recordings, disclosure, confidentiality or the legal significance of particular material should be discussed with an appropriately qualified professional in the relevant jurisdiction.

The purpose of organising your records is more modest – and more useful. It is to help you remember what happened, locate the original material and explain the relevant sequence of events clearly.

Clarity is the objective

During separation, collecting information can feel protective. But eventually there comes a point when another skill becomes important: editing.

Not editing the facts, but editing the volume.

Turning 600 screenshots into a chronology. Connecting relevant events to their original sources. And then taking what is actually useful into the conversation you are about to have.

For some parents, that will mean reducing a large archive to a relatively small working pack. For others – particularly where a wider pattern of behaviour or safety concern exists – it may mean preserving considerably more and seeking professional advice about how best to organise it.

A well-organised record does not need to tell somebody what conclusion to reach. It simply makes the history easier to understand.

And when a mediator or solicitor is trying to help you work through an already complicated situation, that clarity can be considerably more useful than another hundred unlabelled screenshots.

About Mielad Niekzad

Mielad Niekzad is the founder of Casewell, a private custody-journaling app for individual parents who want to keep child-related events and supporting material organised without requiring the other parent’s participation. Casewell is designed for private record-keeping rather than communication between co-parents.

Visit Casewell: https://getcasewell.com/

Mielad is not a solicitor and this article provides general information only. It does not constitute legal advice.

Coping with Divorce/Well-being

Calling Yourself “Divorced”

Published on September 4, 2026September 2, 2026

Tucker Lieberman
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

Unless you’ve always been with your secondary school sweetheart, there was probably a time when you thought of yourself as “single.” Then you were “engaged,” then “married.” If you’re headed toward divorce, your marital status will need yet another label. At some point, you’ll take a deep breath and say: “divorced.”

Whereas engagement and marriage were happy updates, divorce usually has negative feelings swirling around it, which makes people reluctant to admit that their status has changed.

However, it’s important to be honest about your marital status, especially when you’re introducing yourself to a potential new match. A Custody X Change study of recently divorced Americans found that most people wait until their divorce is finalised to start seeing someone new. You don’t ever have to start dating again, of course, but most divorced people do, whether they make an effort to meet someone new or a relationship sparks unexpectedly.

In situations like this, using the right label can be helpful. Calling yourself “divorced” quickly communicates your marital status to others so you start new relationships on solid footing. It also helps you to face facts and move forward.

Acknowledging Negative Feelings About Getting Divorced

You may be dwelling on the question of who’s responsible for the breakdown of the marriage. Maybe you sought the divorce or agreed to it, and in that sense, you “wanted” the divorce. Or maybe you resisted the divorce: your spouse asked for it, and you’ve never had much choice about it. Either way, divorce wasn’t part of your original plan when you first got married, which can make it tough to accept what’s happening.

It’s common to have multiple negative feelings about divorcing. You may feel:

Disappointed in your spouse for having betrayed you or neglected to support you.
Inadequate for having failed your spouse in some way.
Exhausted because marriage was harder than you expected.
Overwhelmed by a toxic or abusive dynamic.
Confused because you’re still in love with your spouse.
Embarrassed in front of your friends who came to your wedding, showed goodwill and spent happy times with you as a couple.
Ashamed in front of your parents or religious leaders who expected or encouraged you to stay married.
Frustrated because you didn’t have the happy marriage you believed you had worked for or deserved.
Fearful that this divorce will make you seem less desirable to future partners.

If you attach negative feelings to the idea of divorce, it’ll feel harder to call yourself “divorced.”

Feelings can be helpful indicators — even the negative ones. It’s good to notice what your ex may be feeling and to process your own feelings. Eventually, though, you may benefit from taking a more neutral view of divorce.

Uncertainty can also affect how you describe your marital status. If you’re factually unsure whether your marriage is ending or you’re not yet ready to admit it, you may avoid saying you’re “getting divorced” because you believe that’s inaccurate. You may generally avoid the topic to stop others from making false assumptions about which spouse hurt the other or which spouse walked away from the marriage. It’s understandable that you don’t want to spread falsehoods or have to deal with others’ misrepresentations of you.

If you’re a parent, though, you’ll need a way to explain the changes to your children. Ultimately you’ll have to explain it to yourself too.

When you’re ready, telling people you’re divorced is a way to speak the truth and to take control of your own narrative.

Call Yourself “Divorced” When You’re Ready

At some point in the not-too-distant future, you’ll have to communicate your marital status. You may simply be making casual conversation with neighbors or filling out a form at the doctor’s office. You’ll want to speak truthfully and also feel emotionally prepared with language that makes sense for you.

Sometimes people who are winding down a marriage want to be precise about their living arrangement or their marital status. They may call themselves “separated” while they’re still legally married but living apart from their spouse, then call themselves “divorced” only after a court finalises the end of their marriage. They may specify that they’ve gotten a financial clean break from their spouse (if they’re speaking with an estate agent or letting agent, for example).

Some people sum up by giving the relationship status “it’s complicated.” That’s fine if you don’t mind people knowing you’re going through some changes. Expect that it will provoke curiosity.

You may simply call yourself “single” to say that you don’t currently have a romantic partner. Your spouse has been an important part of your life, and you may be surprised that it isn’t always necessary to specify that you used to be married. Your ex-spouse is no longer around, so why mention them at all? “Single” can be an appropriate word choice. It implies you’re free of romantic commitments and open to a new relationship. Many people consider themselves single before their divorces are legally finalised, so pay attention to what other people mean by this word and what they believe you mean by it, so no one feels misled.

Words have power, and there’s a lot of weight in the word “divorce.” You may have an emotional moment when you call yourself “divorced” for the first time. Though it can be sad, it’s an opportunity for truthfulness, self-acceptance and the personal growth that follows.

About Tucker Lieberman

Tucker Lieberman is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change. After a decade with an investment company focusing on saving for university, he now writes about co-parenting arrangements.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

Coping with Divorce/Moving On/Well-being/Your Emotions

Managing Grief and Loss and Emotional Recovery

Published on August 14, 2026August 10, 2026

Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

Humans are attachment making animals, we form loving bonds with each other that have deep consequences for us. They shape us literally at the biological level. The hormones involved in feelings of love and happiness with each other encourage myelination in the brains, whereby physical structures are formed in the brain. We use the term ‘personality’ as a shorthand for the sum total of these interactions. When a baby is born these loving interactions form the basis of brain health and personality health. Neglected babies have literal holes in the frontal lobes where brain matter is lost. Without this frontal lobe development, the capacity to think, regulate etc are severely compromised. This process is lifelong and crucially our attachments form the basis of our ability to regulate, think, operate in the complex social web of life. The longer we have had a relationship the deeper the impact is on personality and functioning. Although this is about loving relationships myelination also happens with stress-fear based relationships and what follows about loss is equally true.

Loss in this view then, is loss of self as represented in the real, social world. It is the loss of the ongoing capacity to regulate, make sense and meaning of reality, to frame experience in a way that makes it safe (predictable, as in better the devil you know in stress based intimate relationships.) This loss of meaning is frightening and we can’t turn to the person we have lost to help us regulate that fear. For these reasons we can feel the loss of a partner in divorce for example in a complex and confusing manner, particularly if we wanted the divorce, because why would we grieve ending a relationship we didn’t want anymore?

Understanding that loss and grief is our brain and personality trying to heal from a type of injury can help us make sense of this. The brain, our personality or self is primarily a social or environmental phenomena from this view. Loss is an injury to its wellbeing, to its health. So, we need to focus on that in healing that injury.

Loss of a partner to divorce is no different to any other loss and the social framing of it shouldn’t get in the way of the deeper level of understanding. So what helps?

Develop meaning in the world again. Much spiritual and or religious practice is based on meaning making so you may find comfort in that. If you are secular, think of helping others. As social animals any activity we engage with that helps the ‘herd’ helps us. There is always someone worse of then oneself and helping them will A) help them and make the world a better place and B) help us to get a sense of perspective and feel connected to something other than our own suffering
Increase contact with loving network and fill that hole in the brain with others to help us regulate
Stay away from alcohol and drugs. Temporary relief from these chemicals which can and do hijack neurological pathways is too dangerous at times of distress. Emotional distress is a sign you need a hug not a glass of wine
You have had a major injury, what would you do with any recovery from a major injury? Correct: rest, slow down, seek help, eat well, hydrate, sleep, show compassion to yourself
Normalise your reactions. There is nothing wrong because you are healing from a psychological injury. It is to be expected. Not being able to feel loss and grief (the signs you are healing) would be more worrying. It’s okay to not be okay

It’s worth reflecting upon the healing impact of nature during times of loss. Its impact is so strong that it’s worth developing it as a unique strand of your recovery. Nature has an impact on our brains similar to mindful meditation, which is well researched to help our bodies and brains heal. Nature increases our sense of connection to each other and our feeling of wellbeing. Nature in this context does not mean out in the wilds, it can be that, but equally can be your local park or indeed a bit of gardening. It is well researched for example that putting a park in an urban area reduces violent crime in that area by up to 20%. This is due to the sense of connection and wellbeing fostered. Therapeutic horticulture (gardening) is also well researched in psychological recovery. The impact of nature is so strong that simply taking time to pass attention to a tree at your bus stop on the way to work will produce a noticeable effect. So go hug a tree and say thanks!

Finally, it’s always a good idea to check in with a mental health professional or your GP if you are worried about how you are coping. If you have a history of psychological distress, you may well need extra help such as anti-depressants. Mostly you will be met with empathy and emotional support from the professionals who can reassure you nothing is wrong, but you never know, so it’s always good to check.

About Noel McDermott

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

Moving On

The Digital Divorce: The Breakup Nobody Prepares You For

Published on August 12, 2026August 4, 2026

Monika Braglewicz
Breakup and Divorce Coach
Coach With Monika

When people think about divorce, they usually picture the obvious milestones.

Finding somewhere new to live, speaking to a solicitor, working out finances, telling family and friends, learning how to co-parent. What they don’t picture is sitting alone at 11pm, scrolling through every app on their phone, quietly scrolling through years of shared digital life.

Yet for many people, that’s exactly what happens. I call it the digital divorce.

It’s the process of separating your online life from someone else’s. Removing them from shared accounts, changing passwords, updating emergency contacts, deciding what to do with thousands of photos.

These might sound like small jobs, but they often carry much more emotional weight than people expect.

It’s a part of separation that very few people talk about, despite the fact it’s becoming something almost everyone experiences.

When your phone won’t let you move on

Years ago, reminders of a relationship were mostly physical. A jumper left in the wardrobe, a wedding photo on the mantelpiece, a favourite restaurant you avoided for a while.

Today, our relationships exist just as much online as they do offline. Your ex might still be saved as “Home” in your Uber account.

Google Photos might decide today is the perfect day to remind you about a holiday you took together three years ago. Spotify is still asking whether you want to continue your Duo subscription. Your phone still autofills their address.

None of these things are big on their own. But together, they create a constant stream of unexpected reminders that can make it much harder to move on.

Why social media makes letting go harder

Then there’s social media. For many people, resisting the temptation to look at an ex-partner’s profile becomes one of the hardest parts of healing.

Research suggests between 60% and 70% of people admit checking an ex’s social media after a breakup, while some academic studies have found the figure could be as high as 88%. Psychologists often refer to this behaviour as digital surveillance or attachment monitoring, and research has consistently linked it with higher emotional distress and greater difficulty moving on.

It isn’t because people necessarily want their relationship back.

Sometimes they’re simply curious, sometimes they’re looking for reassurance they’ve made the right decision, sometimes they’re hoping to see signs that the other person isn’t coping either.

Whatever the reason, those quick checks often keep people emotionally connected to someone they’re trying to let go of. As a divorce coach, I hear clients describe this all the time.

They know looking isn’t helping them, but the urge can feel almost automatic. One look turns into five minutes. Five minutes turns into an evening spent analysing photographs, comments and who’s liked whose posts. It’s exhausting.

Healing isn’t just emotional anymore

One of the biggest changes I’ve noticed over the years is that healing after divorce isn’t only about processing emotions anymore.

It’s also about managing technology. Something as simple as changing your emergency contact can suddenly become emotional.

Removing someone from your medical records, taking them off your insurance policy or deleting them as your next of kin isn’t just administration. It’s another sign that your life has changed.

Even deciding what to do with old photographs can feel impossible. Some people want to delete everything immediately. Others can’t bear the thought of losing those memories, even though they know looking at them hurts. Neither response is wrong.

The important thing is recognising that these aren’t simply digital tasks. They’re emotional milestones, and they deserve the same patience and compassion you would give yourself in any other part of the divorce process.

Give yourself permission to do it step by step

One mistake people often make is believing they have to sort everything out in one weekend. In reality, the digital divorce can happen in stages.

Start with the practical things that protect your independence and security.

Change passwords, update emergency contacts, remove shared payment methods, review which apps still have access to your location or personal information.

Those changes aren’t about erasing someone from your life. They’re about creating healthy boundaries.

The more emotional tasks like deleting photographs can wait until you’re ready.

Creating space for what’s next

One of the ways I encourage clients to think about the digital divorce is this:

You’re not deleting your past, you’re creating space for your future.

Every account you separate, every password you update, they’re all small reminders that you’re rebuilding your own life.

That doesn’t diminish the relationship or pretend it never mattered, it just acknowledges that you’re making room for new routines, new memories and eventually, a new chapter.

You’re not the only one experiencing this

The hardest part about the digital divorce is that so many people go through it without realising it has a name.

Friends prepare you for the legal process. They prepare you for mediation, they prepare you for financial settlements.

Very few prepare you for the moment your phone unexpectedly reminds you of an anniversary you’d forgotten, or when Spotify asks whether you’d like to continue sharing your subscription.

These moments can feel surprisingly painful because they arrive without warning.

If you’ve found yourself caught off guard by something as simple as updating an app or seeing an old photograph appear on your screen, you’re not overreacting.

You’re experiencing a very modern part of separation that many people quietly struggle through. Healing today isn’t just about letting go emotionally. Sometimes it’s about gently logging out of the life you once shared, one password, one app and one small digital thread at a time.

About Monika Braglewicz

Monika is an accredited breakup and divorce coach who helps people navigate relationship change with clarity, confidence and compassion. Having overcome divorce, financial hardship and homelessness herself, she combines lived experience with professional coaching to support clients through separation, co-parenting, heartbreak and life after divorce, helping them rebuild with resilience and purpose.

Moving On

Who Are You After Divorce?

Published on August 10, 2026August 4, 2026

Sarah-Jayne Covell
Integrative Psychotherapist & Founder Anchoring Therapy

Understanding the Loss of Identity After Separation

When people talk about divorce, they usually talk about the obvious things.

The legal process. The finances. The family home. The children. The practicalities of untangling a life that has become deeply intertwined with someone else’s.

Those things are undeniably difficult, but after many years of working with people experiencing relationship breakdown, I’ve become increasingly aware that one of the hardest parts of divorce often receives very little attention.

It’s the moment someone quietly asks, “I don’t actually know who I am anymore.”

It rarely comes in the first few weeks. In those early days, there is usually too much to do. Solicitors need replying to, forms need completing, children need reassuring, friends want updates, and life somehow keeps moving even when you feel as though you’ve been knocked sideways.

It often arrives later, sometimes months later. The paperwork has been signed, routines have started to settle and, for the first time, there is enough silence to notice something feels different.

Not just around you, but within you.

More Than the End of a Relationship

For many people, divorce isn’t simply the end of a marriage. It’s the end of a version of themselves.

We rarely notice how much of our identity becomes wrapped up in being part of a couple until that identity changes.

We stop saying “I” and naturally begin saying “we”. Decisions are shared. Weekends develop familiar routines. Friends know us together. Family celebrations revolve around the same traditions year after year. Without really noticing, our relationship just becomes part of the way we understand ourselves.

Then, almost overnight, those reference points disappear.

One client described standing in the supermarket looking at a ready meal and realising she had absolutely no idea what she liked to eat anymore. It wasn’t really about the food. For years she had shopped for two people, always considering someone else’s preferences alongside her own. Faced with a simple choice, she suddenly realised she had forgotten to ask herself what she wanted.

It sounds like such a small moment; in reality, it wasn’t small at all. It was one of the first signs that she was beginning to meet herself again.

When the Legal Process Ends

One of the things I often explain to clients is that the legal end of a marriage and the emotional end of a marriage rarely happen at the same time.

A decree absolute, a financial settlement or signed paperwork may bring certainty, but they don’t automatically answer the questions that continue afterwards.

Who am I if I’m no longer someone’s husband or wife? What happens to the plans we made? What do I do with the parts of myself that seem to have disappeared somewhere along the way?

These aren’t signs that someone is struggling to “move on”. In fact, feeling lost or unsure of yourself after a divorce is completely normal, and it’s something that many people experience. These emotions are a natural response to a significant life transition. Recognising that others share these feelings can be reassuring and is an important step in being gentle with yourself as you navigate this new chapter.

Our closest relationships help shape how we see ourselves. When those relationships change, it’s hardly surprising that our sense of identity needs time to adjust as well.

Becoming, Rather Than Returning

One question often sits quietly beneath many conversations I have with clients. “How do I get back to who I used to be?

I don’t think that’s the most helpful question. The person you were at twenty-five, thirty-five or fifty existed because of every experience you’d had up until that point, including the relationship that has now ended.

Perhaps the more interesting question is, “Who am I becoming now?”

That doesn’t mean pretending divorce is a positive experience or suggesting everything happens for a reason. Most people would never have chosen this path.

But alongside the grief, many people slowly rediscover parts of themselves that had become almost invisible.

They take up hobbies they hadn’t thought about for years. Another client, who decided to try pottery after seeing a local class advertised. At first, she admitted she felt awkward and out of place, but soon realised how much she enjoyed working with her hands and letting herself learn something completely new. For her, every bowl she shaped was a quiet reminder that she could create something for herself, by herself. Others make decisions without second-guessing themselves. They discover they enjoy their own company. They begin to imagine a future that isn’t simply a replacement for the one they lost, but something entirely new.

That doesn’t happen in one defining moment; it’s usually much quieter than that. It happens in ordinary moments that gradually begin to feel like your own again.

That may be why identity after divorce isn’t really about finding yourself. It’s about noticing that, little by little, you’re becoming someone you haven’t met before.

If you are on this path right now, remember that even on the hardest days, growth is possible. Take things one step at a time and allow yourself patience. Support is available, and reaching out to others can make a real difference. In time, new possibilities may emerge, and you may be surprised by the strength and hope you discover within yourself.

Read more articles by Sarah-Jane Covell.

About Sarah-Jane Covell

Sarah-Jane Covell is an integrative psychotherapist based in North Yorkshire. She works with individuals and couples navigating life transitions, relationships and divorce. She is the author of When We Becomes Me: A Psychotherapist’s Guide to the Beginning, the Messy Middle, and the Other Side of Divorce. Feature: The Daily Wellness “Quiet Rebuilding Work,” “When We Becomes Me.” Counselling Directory: “Divorce and the loss of identity,” “How music can help us process difficult emotions.” The Daily Wellness: “Who are you after divorce.”

Discover her Instagram page.

Moving On

Divorce Doesn’t End a Marriage. It Ends a Chapter.

Published on August 3, 2026July 31, 2026

Susan Harwood
Chartered Legal Executive Litigator
Woolley & Co Solicitors

When people first contact a family lawyer, they often think they are coming for legal advice.

In reality, they are usually bringing far more than that.

Behind every discussion about finances, children or property is a person trying to make sense of one of the biggest transitions of their life. Some arrive angry, some frightened, some relieved. Many feel all three emotions within the same conversation.

After many years working in family law, I’ve learned that whilst the legal process is important, it is rarely the hardest part. The emotional journey often presents the greatest challenge.

Divorce is a loss, even when it’s the right decision

People often feel guilty for grieving a relationship they chose to leave.

But divorce represents the loss of far more than a marriage. It can mean the loss of certainty, shared dreams, family traditions, financial security, identity and the future you once imagined.

Grief is therefore a perfectly normal response.

Like any form of grief, it rarely follows a straight line. Some days bring optimism and relief; others bring sadness, anger or fear. Experiencing these emotions does not mean you are moving backwards, it simply means you are healing.

You don’t have to be at your best

Clients frequently apologise for crying during our initial consultation.

They tell me they “should be coping better” or that they feel embarrassed for becoming emotional.

The truth is that divorce places people under enormous psychological pressure. Alongside practical decisions, they may also be experiencing poor sleep, heightened anxiety, financial uncertainty and concern for their children.

No one makes their best decisions whilst living in a constant state of stress.

One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself during divorce is permission not to have everything figured out immediately.

Strong decisions come from calm minds

As lawyers, we often encourage clients not to make important decisions whilst emotions are running high.
This is not because feelings are unimportant. Quite the opposite.

When emotions are acknowledged rather than ignored, people are generally better able to think clearly, negotiate constructively and focus on long-term solutions rather than short-term reactions.

Sometimes the most productive thing a client can do isn’t send another email to their solicitor.

Sometimes it’s taking a walk, speaking with a trusted friend, seeing a counsellor, or simply sleeping on a difficult decision before responding.

Those small pauses can prevent costly conflict and help everyone move forward more constructively.

Children don’t need perfect parents

One of the greatest worries parents express is, “How do I stop this affecting my children?”

While every family is different, research consistently tells us that children cope best when they feel safe, loved and protected from adult conflict.

Parents cannot remove every sadness from a child’s experience.

What they can do is offer consistency, reassurance and permission for children to express their feelings without feeling caught between two people they love.

Children are remarkably resilient when they know that both parents continue to put their needs first.

Your relationship has ended. Your value has not.

Divorce has a way of making people question who they are.

People who have spent decades as someone’s husband or wife can suddenly wonder where they belong.

It is easy to confuse the end of a relationship with personal failure.

They are not the same thing.

Relationships end for countless reasons. The ending of a marriage says very little about your worth as a person.

In fact, many people later describe divorce not simply as an ending, but as the beginning of rediscovering themselves.

They reconnect with old friendships, find new interests, improve their health, pursue careers they had postponed or simply learn to enjoy their own company again.

While few people would choose divorce, many eventually recognise that they became stronger, more confident and more authentic because of what they learned through it.

Be kind to yourself

If you are currently navigating divorce, remember this:

You are not expected to have all the answers today.
You do not need to rush your healing.
Accept support where it is offered.
Surround yourself with people who help you feel calmer, not more conflicted.
Focus on the decisions that will still feel right in five years’ time, rather than the emotions that feel overwhelming today.
Above all, remember that divorce is one chapter of your life, not the whole story.

I’ve sat on both sides of the desk

Although I write as a family lawyer, I also write from personal experience.

I have been married twice, divorced twice and have raised my children largely as a single parent and gained my legal qualification as a mature student. Like many of my clients, I have experienced the uncertainty, financial pressures, self-doubt and emotional upheaval that separation can bring. I know what it feels like to question whether life will ever feel settled again, and I also know that, with time, it can.

That lived experience has profoundly shaped the way I practise. I understand that when a client sits opposite me, they are rarely looking solely for legal advice. They are often carrying grief, fear for their children’s future, anxiety about finances and uncertainty about what comes next. Whilst my role is to provide clear legal guidance, I never lose sight of the fact that behind every case is a person trying to rebuild their life.

Perhaps that is why I believe that family law is, at its heart, about people rather than paperwork. The legal process matters enormously, but how clients are supported through that process can make just as much difference to the way they emerge on the other side.

With time, support and compassion, it is entirely possible to build a future that feels peaceful, hopeful and fulfilling once again.

About Susan Harwood

Susan Harwood is a chartered legal executive litigator with Woolley & Co, Solicitors. Based in Helston, Cornwall, she advises clients across the South West, London and internationally on all aspects of family law. With more than 20 years’ experience in family law, Susan specialises in divorce, financial settlements and children matters, with particular expertise in resolving the financial aspects of relationship breakdown. She is especially well known for advising Armed Forces personnel and expatriate clients, and is recognised for her practical, empathetic approach and commitment to resolving disputes constructively wherever possible.

Coping with Divorce

Divorce Exposed My Coping Mechanisms

Published on July 17, 2026September 16, 2026

Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

Divorce didn’t just break my heart. It exposed the ways I’d learned to survive when life fell apart.

Not straight away. In the beginning I was just getting through the days, doing what I needed to do to survive the shock of it all. But over time, when things quietened down a little, I started to see myself more clearly. The patterns underneath. The ways I was trying to manage something that felt unbearable.

One of the first things I saw was how quickly I turned on myself. I told myself stories about not being able to love properly, not being worth fighting for, not being able to succeed at family life. Not being lovable.

There was also a lot of denial. I didn’t want to look too closely at certain things. At one point I couldn’t fully take in that my ex husband was seeing someone almost immediately after we separated. That truth felt too sharp, too destabilising, so I softened it, told myself versions of events that hurt less to manage the pain.

I can see now that all of that was just me trying to cope with a devastating experience. I was trying to deal with something I didn’t have the capacity to feel all at once.

Alcohol was in the mix too. Nothing dramatic, just a way of taking the edge off at the end of a long week alone without my kids. It was a distraction from the emotional intensity I didn’t know how to sit with.

And then there was the pull towards a new relationship. The urge to not be alone. Not because I was ready to give myself to someone, but because loneliness after a long relationship can feel like physical pain. It creates a sense that something needs to be fixed immediately.

It took me years to understand that these were my coping strategies. At the time they just felt like survival. I didn’t have language for it then. I was just moving through it the best way I knew how.

It was only later, when things had settled a bit, that I could start to see the pattern clearly. And even then I didn’t rush the process of working through it. Some of it was too painful to look at head on, so I went slowly. Carefully. A bit at a time.

When you feel ready enough to look at your own coping mechanisms, you also start to see what you’ve been avoiding. For me, that was grief.

The actual grief of the marriage ending, of the future I thought I was going to have disappearing, of the parts of myself that had gotten lost and of the things that hadn’t turned out the way I wanted them to. Both during my marriage and in the rebuilding process after divorce.

I had spent a long time staying busy, staying distracted, staying in stories that made it easier to tolerate. But underneath that there was a lot of feeling I hadn’t really touched.

Eventually, I started to get curious instead of avoidant. I started to notice how quickly I reached for something to numb or escape discomfort.

I started to see how much energy went into not feeling what was actually there. And I started to understand that I couldn’t think my way out of it. I had to actually sit with it. Let it move through.

That’s where things started to change for the better. Slowly and steadily, I began to rebuild trust in myself. In my ability to stay with myself even when things felt overwhelming. Even when I was struggling and didn’t like what I was feeling.

I started to let go of some of the coping strategies that had helped me survive but weren’t helping me anymore, and I began building new ones. Ways of being with myself that didn’t rely on escape or numbing or rewriting reality to make it easier to tolerate.

Over time, that created space. Space for different thoughts and choices about where my life was heading. Some of them really surprised me, they weren’t what I thought I wanted when I was acting from avoidance and survival.

This is what divorce does. It exposes you. It shows you what you’ve been leaning on. It shows you how you’ve been getting through. And then, if you’re willing to look at it, it gives you the chance to start again from somewhere more honest.

Healing from divorce doesn’t unfold in a way that makes sense while you’re in it, but over time it becomes something else. A slow stripping back of old patterns. A slow return to yourself.

And even with all of the difficulty that comes with it, it’s a much more peaceful place to be.

Because once you can see the ways you’ve been coping, you no longer have to be ruled by them. You can stop running from your pain and begin sitting with it instead.

It’s not easy. In many ways, it’s harder. But it’s also where real healing begins. And while it may not lead to a perfect life, it leads to a more honest one. One with more peace, more choice, and a deeper connection to yourself.

About Carol Madden

I’m Carol Madden, a Post-Divorce Life Coach working with women around the world from my online practice.

I work with women who have been divorced for two years or more and thought they’d feel better by now. They’re functioning and getting on with life, but still struggling to let go, heal and move forward in their new post-divorce lives.

I’ve been through divorce myself, and that experience led me to this work. I know what it’s like to look fine on the outside while still carrying grief, guilt, confusion and all the unanswered questions underneath, even several years later.

I also know what it takes to come out the other side and build a life that feels good again.

I help women get to the heart of what’s holding them back, stop looking backwards and find the strength to move forward, even when it feels hard.

Discover me on social media:

Coping with Divorce

Splitting Personal Property in Divorce

Published on June 22, 2026June 15, 2026

Wendi Schuller
Dating Coach
Author of the Global Guide to Divorce

One of the most difficult aspects of divorce can be spitting assets. This can be quite emotional, particularly when treasured items were given to you both as a couple. Over the years. people have shared what works and their biggest regrets.

Marital Home

This is tricky – whether one stays and buys the other out, or the place is sold. A concern can be to have less upheaval for children and let them remain in the marital home with one parent. This can backfire in an acrimonious break-up.

An example of this is Annabel’s situation. Her husband wanted to remain in the marital home with the two teens. Although her intuition screamed it was a bad idea, she agreed. The kids came home from various after school activities and did not want to leave the house and have dinner with her. The daughter refused visitation, claiming she was too tired. The son ended up going on some weekends and has a good relationship with his mum.

Annabel found out later in family counselling that John was telling the daughter in particular, “Your mum left us. She wants a new life.” Her brother blew it off and her daughter believed that they had been abandoned. If they had both relocated some of this drama could have been avoided. In a friendly divorce, it may not matter about the marital home as it does in a contentious one.

Joint presents

When given presents as a couple, divide up property by who gave them. His side or hers when both want the same item. For example, my mum gave us a Waterford chandelier and two light fixtures. My former husband claimed we needed to divide them up between us. She had to put in writing for the solicitors that all three were to be given to me.

When dividing wedding gifts, I kept things from my side. I separated gifts from his friends and family so he could get those. It is trickier when joint gift money was spent on a painting etc. What some couples do is make a list. What is most important to them and what can they live without. Also, when there are similar items, each person gets one. This works better when they are able to negotiate.

Pick your battles

Division may not seem fair with personal property. In one case, the wife gave expensive collectible coins on various gift-giving occasions, He gave her thoughtful presents in return, many of which were cat or travel themed. They were much appreciated. In the divorce it turned nasty. Seth had a treasure trove he could sell and Pippa did not. Pippa had a decision to make. Should she pursue the disparity between these gifts or let this slide and go after bigger assets. Pippa opted to go after the more important ones, such as stock and splitting his retirement pension. Since John felt he got away with keeping all the old coins he was calmer, when the more important issues came up.

What you brought into the marriage you can take. This is true even if the value is quite different. If you brought in the designer goods then they are yours.

During our divorce my husband’s solicitor told me this. “If both parties are unhappy, then I know the division of property was fair. If one person is very happy, then it wasn’t.”

About Wendi Schuller

Wendi Schuller is a dating coach who helps people after divorce and break-ups to start dating again.  https://globalguidetodivorce.com  She is a hypnotherapist, NLP practitioner and a nurse. She wrote The Global Guide To Divorce.

She writes a children’s book series with the latest, Jack Jack The Cat Loose In London. Also The Adventures Of Margo, Girl Detective.w

Coping with Divorce

Pressure Is Where Divorce Mistakes Begin

Published on April 22, 2026April 21, 2026

Addy O
Author, Broken Scales Series

Most people assume the biggest mistakes in divorce happen in dramatic moments: a court hearing, a heated argument, a final settlement. But in my experience, the most damaging mistakes occur much earlier, when pressure first arrives and you do not yet realise how it is shaping you.

Pressure rarely announces itself with drama. It arrives quietly, disguised as urgency. A letter lands. An allegation is made. A response is demanded. Suddenly, a decision feels as if it cannot wait. You are still functioning, still speaking calmly, still trying to be reasonable, but something has shifted. Your thinking narrows. Time feels compressed. You begin reacting before you fully understand the consequences.

That is where mistakes begin.

My own divorce lasted five years and was marked by sustained conflict. It involved children, finances, allegations, and repeated procedural battles. Not every divorce is as intense, and not every couple will encounter the same escalation. But after speaking to many friends and acquaintances who have also been through the UK family law system, I have noticed a common pattern: people enter the process believing that fairness, reasonableness, and explanation will protect them. They often do not.

Early on, a friend who had already been through divorce told me, “There are four battlegrounds. And you can’t win on all four at once. You have to decide which ones matter most.” At the time, I did not fully understand. Later, I saw those battlegrounds: mental health, moral high ground, children, and finance. They are not separate arenas, but four fronts in one system. Pressure on one front affects all the others. And the first to collapse is usually the mind.

My clearest moment of recognition came when I saw a line in some solicitor’s notes: “Do things to put him under pressure.” It was not emotional or dramatic. It was calm, procedural, almost administrative. But it clarified something crucial. Pressure is not just a by-product of a failing relationship. It can be applied. Directed. Engineered.

That matters because when pressure increases, decision quality decreases.

Under pressure, people act in ways they never would in calmer circumstances. They over-explain. They respond too quickly. They try to correct every falsehood immediately. They agree to arrangements without understanding the wider implications. They assume that if they are cooperative enough, clear enough, reasonable enough, the system will reward them. In reality, early movement is not always wise movement.

Pressure has a very particular effect: it narrows perception before it narrows options. It accelerates response before understanding. It disguises itself as responsibility. You start to believe that immediate action equals control. It does not. Often, it is just reaction.

This is one reason divorce can feel so disorientating. You are not just coping with emotion. You are dealing with a process that amplifies vulnerability. You may already be grieving the end of a relationship, worrying about your children, calculating financial survival, and trying to preserve some dignity. Add legal correspondence, formal allegations, uncertain access to children, and the sense that each move could have lasting consequences, and it becomes all too easy to make decisions in a state of compression rather than clarity.

For me, the process became overwhelming at points. Allegations were made in formal statements I knew were untrue. They were written with certainty, signed with a Statement of Truth, and placed into the court record. When I produced material contradicting them, there was no immediate correction. The allegations remained, unresolved. That is difficult to explain to someone who has not lived it. It is not just upsetting. It can make you doubt your own judgement, your memory, even your instincts.

This is why understanding pressure matters so much. If you misread pressure as proof you must act immediately, you are more likely to make costly mistakes. If you recognise it for what it is; a condition, not an instruction, you create the possibility of protecting yourself.

There are some common signs that pressure is already shaping your decisions. You may feel compelled to reply immediately, even when nothing truly requires it. Your messages become too long, too defensive, or too sharp. You replay conversations at night, searching for the perfect wording. Your sleep fragments. Your body stays on alert. You become busier and busier, simply to avoid being still long enough to feel what is happening.

From the outside, this looks productive. From the inside, it is often just survival through motion.

The practical lesson I took from this is simple, though not always easy: do not increase output under pressure. Stay contained.

That does not mean being passive or giving up. It means recognising that the early phase of divorce is often when people do the most damage to themselves, by reacting before they understand the terrain. Containment means not over-explaining prematurely, not agreeing too quickly, not assuming that apparent reasonableness will be returned, and not treating urgency as if it is automatically wisdom.

In any pressured system, reducing unnecessary output creates space. Space allows perception to widen again. Only then can strategy begin.

For many, this is counterintuitive. Action feels safer than waiting. Movement feels like control. But some of the worst divorce decisions are made when you are still trying to be fair, still trying to calm things down, still assuming the process will operate according to ordinary human logic. Family law has its own logic.

Sometimes the wisest early goal is not victory, but survival. It is preserving your judgement. It is avoiding the irreversible mistake made in the first weeks or months, when you are most vulnerable to urgency and still hoping clarity alone will protect you.

Divorce is not just the end of a relationship. For many, it is the beginning of a system they do not yet understand. That is why pressure is so dangerous. It arrives before knowledge does.

If there is one thing I want readers to take from this, it is this: when everything feels as if it is tightening at once, your first task is not to fix everything. Your first task is to stop pressure from doing your thinking for you.

Sometimes, that is the beginning of getting through it intact.

About Addy O

Addy is the author of the forthcoming Broken Scales book series, which explores the psychological, procedural, and strategic realities of divorce in the UK family court system.

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Coping with Divorce

Cafcass Anxiety: Why It Feels So Intense – and How to Stay Grounded

Published on March 11, 2026June 30, 2026

Gergely Fried
McKenzie Friend and Founder of Everyman Justice

Why It Doesn’t Feel Like “Just a Report”

In England and Wales, Cafcass plays a structured role in private law children proceedings. Officers speak with parents, carry out safeguarding checks, and in many cases provide analysis and recommendations to the court.

Judges make final decisions. But when parents receive a safeguarding letter or prepare for a Cafcass conversation, it rarely feels procedural. It feels personal.

The language used in reports is formal and precise. Summaries of what each parent has said appear alongside structured analysis. For someone reading about themselves particularly where allegations are disputed the experience can feel confronting.

Under stress, the brain’s threat response activates. Calm reasoning narrows. Physical reactions are common: raised heart rate, shallow breathing, sleeplessness. None of this means a parent is irrational. It means the situation feels consequential.

What Is Often Misunderstood

Much anxiety grows not from the existence of the report, but from misunderstanding its structure.

The section summarising what each parent has said is not, in itself, a finding. It records positions. The professional analysis and recommendations appear separately. When parents read the document as though every paragraph represents agreement or endorsement, panic escalates unnecessarily.

Similarly, in conversations, many parents instinctively focus on detailing what the other parent has done wrong. They feel compelled to correct the record comprehensively. Yet extended focus on the other party can unintentionally create the impression of unresolved anger or emotional escalation.

In safeguarding assessments, the emphasis is usually narrower: risk, welfare, stability, and each parent’s capacity to support the child’s relationship with the other parent where safe to do so.

“Child-focused” is a phrase frequently used, but often misunderstood. It is not a slogan. It is demonstrated through tone, proportion, and orientation. A future-focused response, an ability to reflect, and an acknowledgement of the child’s need for emotional safety often communicate more than forceful rebuttal.

Parents sometimes fear that acknowledging imperfection or reflecting on past mistakes weakens their position. In practice, measured self-reflection can demonstrate insight and emotional stability — qualities that are often seen as protective rather than risky.

The Quiet Dilemma of Trust

When reading allegations that feel inaccurate, or waiting days for clarification, it is natural for trust to feel fragile.

Some parents begin to view every question as a potential trap. Others rehearse answers repeatedly, afraid of saying the “wrong” thing. Anxiety narrows attention and magnifies uncertainty.

Yet conversations tend to unfold more constructively when approached with steadiness rather than defensiveness. Clarifying a question, pausing to think, or redirecting focus back to the child’s needs are not signs of weakness. They are signs of regulation.

The Wider Structure

Cafcass officers operate in a role that carries responsibility. Their assessments may influence arrangements affecting a child’s daily life. That responsibility requires structured analysis and professional distance.

Public reporting has noted increasing caseload pressures within parts of the family justice system. Delay and backlog can add to the strain felt by families awaiting clarity. The pressure is not only numerical; it is inherent in the nature of safeguarding work itself.

Behind Cafcass sits the court. Judges and magistrates carry the final decision-making responsibility. Cafcass recommendations inform the process but do not determine outcomes independently. The court must consider all evidence and apply the welfare checklist in reaching its judgement.

Understanding this layered structure can reduce the sense that a single report or conversation alone decides everything.

The Quietest Anxiety: Children

Amid adult stress, it is easy to overlook children’s internal experience.

Children often sense when discussions are occurring about them. When spoken to directly, they may carry their own unspoken tension: not wanting to disappoint either parent, unsure how their words might be interpreted.

They are rarely thinking in legal terms. They are thinking relationally.

When adults reduce visible hostility and speak respectfully about one another, children experience greater emotional safety. That safety allows them to express themselves more freely.

In many situations, the calmest adult becomes the emotional anchor.

Staying Grounded

When anxiety rises after reading a safeguarding letter or before a Cafcass call, narrowing your focus can help.

Before responding to anything in writing, pause and separate three things on paper: what has been alleged, what the professional analysis actually says, and what directly affects your child’s current welfare. This prevents reactive responses to language that feels confronting but may not represent a conclusion.

Before a Cafcass conversation, it can help to write down just three short points: what is currently working well for your child, what your main concern is, and what outcome would feel safe and stable. Keeping those anchors visible can prevent drifting into historical conflict.

If you find yourself going blank during a call, it is entirely acceptable to say, “I need a moment to think about that.” Silence is not a failure. Calm pauses often communicate steadiness.

And if anxiety spikes after the conversation, remember that safeguarding processes are layered. One exchange rarely defines an entire case. Structured review and follow-up exist within the system.

Emotional regulation is not about suppressing concern. It is about preventing fear from speaking louder than your genuine focus on your child.

About Gergely Fried

Gergely Fried is a McKenzie Friend, author, and the founder of Everyman Justice. With a background in education and business, and personal experience of child arrangements proceedings, he supports parents navigating the UK family court system with calm, practical guidance and emotional insight. His work focuses on clarity, emotional understanding, and reducing unnecessary conflict, always with the child’s wellbeing at the centre.

His book, Conflict by Design, guides parents step by step through child arrangements proceedings using a realistic case narrative, explaining what to expect in clear, accessible language rather than legal or academic jargon.

Everyman Justice: https://everymanjustice.co.uk/
Support & Help: https://everymanjustice.co.uk/support-and-help/

Coping with Divorce

Neurodivergency – What Is It? And Does it Affect Divorce?

Published on February 27, 2026February 26, 2026

Sarah Barr-Young
Head of Financial Remedies Department
Jones Myers, Harrogate

Sponsored post by Jones Myers.

Over 15 per cent of the UK population – which equates to one in seven people – are neurodivergent, which means their brains work in different ways.

Neurodivergency is not a medical condition or a disorder, but a term to describe differences in how the brain is wired. Neurodivergent people have alternative thinking styles which include dyslexia, developmental co-ordination disorder (dyspraxia), dyscalculia (which affects mathematical skills) , autism, Tourette’s and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

How does neurodivergency affect relationship breakdown?

Divorce and separation is emotionally difficult for any separating couple. For neurodivergent people, who see the world differently, the challenges are even harder to navigate. Their different communication styles can lead to misunderstandings in communication, triggering higher levels of anxiety, rejection and depression.

Many tend to feel paralysed and overwhelmed at the prospect of dealing with the unknown and working with strangers – whether they be family lawyers, mediators or counsellors -through the divorce process.

Which specific areas of divorce do neurodivergent people find particularly difficult?

Many struggle with working through the process of financial disclosure, which requires a complete and accurate account of their financial situation including assets, income and debts.

Concerns separating couples face over finances and living accommodation after a break up can be particularly acute for neurodivergent people, especially parents who are worried how divorce will affect their relationship with their children.

How does divorce impact on neurodivergent children?

Children of all ages are susceptible to the anxieties of divorce and separation which can be made worse by events such as birthdays, school holidays, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day.

For neurodivergent children, the turmoil of disruptive daily patterns and splitting their time between two households can heighten a sense of insecurity and result in withdrawal.

What do family lawyers need to do differently to help neurodivergent clients?

It is a given that family lawyers have a duty to understand their clients’ needs in every aspect of family law. When guiding and advising neurodivergent clients it is vital that family lawyers can establish whether a client is neurodivergent.

Understanding the complexities, nuances and triggers associated with neurodivergency is essential to effective communication with between a lawyer and a neurodivergent client to enable them together to achieve an outcome that meets their particular needs. Identifying with neurodivergency also enables family lawyers to signpost clients to other relevant professionals who can guide them.

While The Family Justice Council (FJC), a body which monitors the effectiveness of the Family Justice System, says a more inclusive system which meets the needs of neurodivergence is needed, there is still a long way to go in achieving this.

Sir Andrew McFarlane, President of the Family Division, rightly says that failure to recognise and accommodate neurodivergence results in parties to court proceedings, witnesses, and children being unable to participate fully in court cases. A proper understanding of neurodivergence would lead to better participation and more effective justice.

Like all our clients, neurodivergent clients deserve the best possible support and understanding. As a family lawyer I fervently hope that we can improve our ability to understand and guide them by collaborating and adopting best practice in this critical and sensitive area.

For queries on any aspect of family law, call Jones Myers at Leeds 0113 246 0055, Harrogate 01423 276104, or York 01904 202550. Visit www.jonesmyers.co.uk, email info@jonesmyers.co.uk or tweet @helpwithdivorce

Jones Myers blog is ranked 5th in the UK’s Best 25 family law blogs and websites to follow in 2025.

Read more articles by Jones Myers.

About Sarah Barr-Young

Sarah brings a wealth of expertise to her role as Head of Jones Myers’ award-winning Financial Remedies Department at the firm’s Harrogate town centre office.

Highly experienced in complex, high net worth financial disputes, Sarah’s reputation in business property portfolios, pensions on divorce and resolving disputes out of court through negotiation is widely recognised.

A named Legal 500 ‘Key’ Lawyer and Chambers ‘Notable Practitioner’, Sarah is respected and valued by clients as a strong ‘no nonsense’, knowledgeable, strategist who is also patient and empathetic.

A long-standing admirer of Jones Myers’ reputation for delivering excellence in client care and legal services of the highest calibre, Sarah relishes the opportunity to be instrumental to the practice’s continued growth.

Sarah is an accredited resolution specialist in Complex Financial Remedies and Private Children Law and is a Member of Resolution.

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