coping with divorce - Page 2

The Grey Divorce Surge – The Truth About Divorce After 50

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Johanna Lynn
Johanna Lynn
Founder
The Family Imprint Institute

The house felt different now that Emma and Reya were off at university. For seventeen years, the demands of family life had functioned as a kind of silent third party in the marriage, absorbing attention, energy, and everything neither of them had found the time to say.

She had moved through those years like a woman crossing a river on stones, each step requiring just enough focus that she never looked up to see where she was going. Now she stands on the opposite bank, looking across to her husband and between them lay years of unspoken things. The resentments had built up in the background, from small things to more significant hurts and misunderstandings that had accumulated.

There had been apologies, they each said it was fine. And it was fine, in the moment, because there was no time to not be fine. There was a parent with a scary diagnosis that needed attention and a parent-teacher conference that night and the dentist appointment that kept getting forgotten.

Lately, the truth had started to feel more urgent than keeping the peace. Twenty years ago she would have swallowed the comment he made about her mother. This time she turned to him in the car and said, with quiet clarity: ‘That’s unfair, actually unkind, and you know it is.’

Sometimes in the quiet after the children leave, the unspoken things finally get to speak.

The Rise of Grey Divorce

This experience is far from unusual. Separations among people aged 50 and older have roughly doubled since 1990. Breakups in this demographic cluster in the mid-40s to mid-50s, that  perfect storm where children launch, careers plateau, and for many women, perimenopause and menopause insist on a biological and psychological renegotiation of everything that came before.

Most people don’t decide to suddenly leave a long marriage, they simply stop being able to stay because of all that has accumulated.

Often a result of two people slowly becoming strangers under the same roof, grey divorce tends to arrive not as a shock, but as the name for something that has been true for a very long time. Arriving when the scaffolding of family life comes down and what remains is simply two people, often surprised by how little they recognize each other.

Many people talk about the end of a long marriage as though it is some sort of failure. It absolutely isn’t. The marriage that raised your family and shaped the person standing here today deserves respect, not judgement. What you shared together was real, even if what you need now is different.

What would truly hurt is to let this ending harden your heart, to stay stuck in blame, repeating old hurts that no longer have anywhere useful to go. To walk into a new relationship carrying the same patterns that broke the last one.

The wisdom is in being able to say, this mattered, this shaped me, and it is complete. That is not giving up. That is acknowledgment, discernment and the foundation every next chapter deserves

The grey divorce surge is not a generation walking away from commitment. It is a generation finally understanding that staying, at any cost, in any condition, was never the same thing as living in a healthy marriage.

Knowing that doesn’t make leaving easy. That doesn’t make the ending any less complicated to live through. The years are too tangled, the memories too layered, the love, even when it has changed beyond recognition, too real to simply file away in divorce court.

What I have seen, in 20 years of working with couples through grey divorce, is that the grief is real and the relief is real, and both of those things can be true at once. You are allowed to mourn a marriage you also know you needed to leave. You are allowed to be grateful for what it was and honest about what it became.

If you are reading this and recognizing your own life in these words, the accumulated silences, the apologies that were never quite enough, what rises is often not just the end of a marriage, but the echo of older patterns asking to be seen. The real question is not “who is to blame,” but much more connected to what is this ending here to reveal?  From that clarity, you can grieve and you can exhale, before deciding your next step.

Read more articles by Johanna Lynn.

About  Johanna Lynn

Johanna Lynn is a therapist with over 20 years’ experience working with couples and individuals navigating relationships. Specialising in grey divorce and re-building life after divorce. Visit www.johannalynn.ca

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Beyond the "Glow Up": Reclaiming Your Autonomy and Identity After Divorce
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Beyond the “Glow Up”: Reclaiming Your Autonomy and Identity After Divorce

Published on
Margaret Ward-Martin
Margaret Ward-Martin
Founder
The Grace Project

Every woman is different and every relationship breakdown is different.  Not all women “glow up” and I’d caution against replacing one systemic pressure with another.  That said, the concept of thriving after divorce offers encouragement, hope, practical suggestions and support.  Divorce itself can be traumatic so let’s avoid overgeneralising recovery times and experiences.  Once a state of psychological stasis is reached a divorced woman understands that she has autonomy and the opportunity to create a life of her choosing.  This may feel empowering and daunting in equal measure and that’s okay.

Reclaiming autonomy after a marriage ends and the impact on a woman’s confidence, nervous system and sense of identity

Post divorce, women coming out of an oppressive marriage can breathe again.  If she has been living in fear for a number of years, her nervous system may be shredded.  Some psychologists suggest that after years of abuse the victim may subsequently suffer post traumatic stress so that is why she must learn to breathe again.  To begin with, it’s important for her to understand her right to do so. Learning to breathe again, deeply and recuperatively has astonishing benefits.  By calming our nervous systems, we not only gain control over our bodies, but it clears our minds.  Confidence comes with doing.  If a woman has been told she cannot do something for years she now can.  If she wants to dance, then dance.  With no-one to stop her she reclaims her own self and the confidence comes.

The effect of chronic relational stress on a woman’s body and appearance and the  physiological changes that people interpret as a “glow”

When we are chronically stressed our bodies can manifest it in many ways.  It may be certain behaviours are controlled that result in how a woman looks.  For example, a woman whose food intake was monitored or access to dental care denied (real examples), once out of the relationship she can eat more healthily and get dental attention.  If the nature of the relationship has led to self-harm or neglect, away from the stress, a woman can start to look after herself.   In the marriage where money was controlled, access to hair and skin care may not have been possible  If a person is depressed in a relationship, it is likely to show up in their body in some way; skin, hair and weight may be indicators of the relationship stressors.  Away from it, a woman can attend to these needs, freely.

Understanding grief after a break up

Grief often gets a bad rap.   After divorce there are likely to be feelings of tremendous loss; of hopes and dreams; of years; of opportunities; of damaged relationships and reputations.  Lean in, I suggest.  You are bound to be sad when you are dealing with an unhappy ending.  As for self-actualisation?  This may come but, please, no more pressure.  Be the best version of yourself one day at a time.  And if managing to get out of bed and your teeth brushed, is it, then excellent stuff.  If it is a new piercing and a job interview, excellent stuff, too.

Yes, heartbreak and loss can lead to a new life, but it needs to be processed in its own, unique to the individual, time.

Reclaiming ourselves after a divorce 

Coming out of a controlling relationship is like seeing the ocean for the first time. Eat what I want? Wear what I want? See my friends? If employment or educational opportunities were prohibited, then now is the time to restore these parts and discover potential. The ambition often comes from women’s appreciation that these freedoms are not to be taken for granted and her anger ensures that not one more minute is wasted.

Healing timelines 

Give yourself a break. You are going through a challenging, exhausting, possibly traumatic, expensive, chronically stressful situation so if you managed to get tights and knickers on today and the children to school on time, give yourself a massive pat on the back. Forget “glow.”  At this stage, another stressor. For those of us who’ve been in this situation we don’t need one oppressor to replace another.

As for timelines? Forget them. Take the pressure off. It is likely that there is a period of post-divorce lows and then, one day, without warning, you may hear a night owl or a distant train; you may choose to put your favourite music on and dance like nobody’s looking, it might be that one day you realise how incredible you are to have made it this far.  Initially there may be relief, take it. Then sadness, lean in. Then more sadness, continue, then anger, strap in, then a night owl…

Rebuilding your life privately and publicly 

It’s an inside job. When you feel ready to stand up for yourself and not take any nonsense from anyone, you’re on your way. No amount of Botox and swiping right will hasten the sense of self, compassion, self-respect and understanding that you have the right to a good life, without judgement and direction. When you are able to say “no” and stop justifying your decisions and walk away from toxic people and situations, and claim your time as your own, you are on your way. After years, possibly a lifetime of putting others first, this may take some practice.

As for your public life? Part of your healing is that you won’t really care what the public makes of you. You know your truth and walk in it. That’s where true power lies.

Understanding the psychological steps that help women reach a healthy way forward for the next chapter

Post divorce, take time to reflect on your part. That’s the only control you truly have. When doing this, be kind to yourself, and identify redundant responses, for example, people pleasing or giving too much weight to the opinion of others.

This is your time and it is precious. Work out what you want for you. This is congruence. When you are living a life that aligns with your own ambition, values, vision, and talent, you are closer to being you – not a neutralised version that suits the world around you.  Be effective in your own healing and recovery.  No-one else can do this for you.

Read more articles by Margaret Ward-Martin.

About Margaret Ward-Martin

BACP Counsellor and Psychotherapist Margaret Ward-Martin holds over 30 years’ experience in the mental health industry as a teacher, coach and therapist with a special interest in narcissistic abuse and coercive control survival, addiction and early childhood trauma. She founded The Grace Project (www.thegraceproject.co.uk) in 2021 to raise awareness about emotional and psychological abuse in the world in which we live. Margaret continues to advocate for better access to mental health services and for greater understanding and destigmatisation of diagnosis.

 

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When Everything Looks Right - But a Woman Is Quietly Disappearing
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When Everything Looks Right – But a Woman Is Quietly Disappearing

Published on
Isabelle Ulenaers
Isabelle Ulenaers
Psychologist, Psychotherapist, Women’s Reinvention Expert

From the outside, her life looks solid.

A stable marriage. A reliable partner. Children who are thriving. A career she’s worked hard to build. A life that, by most measures, should feel fulfilling.

And yet, internally, something has been eroding for a long time.

Not suddenly. Not dramatically. Quietly.

This is the experience many women struggle to name when they begin questioning their marriage. There is no obvious crisis. No betrayal to point to. He is actually a good guy. No single event that explains the depth of their exhaustion. And because of that, doubt often follows close behind.

“If nothing is wrong, why do I feel so empty?” “Am I being ungrateful?” “Is this just what long-term relationships feel like?”

As a psychologist who has worked with women navigating divorce for over two decades, I’ve seen this pattern repeatedly. It is one of the least talked about, yet most emotionally complex, pathways into separation.

The invisible cost of “making it work.”

Many of the women I work with are capable, conscientious, and deeply invested. They care about their families. They take responsibility. They adapt. They communicate. They hold everything together.

Over time, this way of living creates a subtle shift. The woman becomes very good at doing, managing, and caretaking. Less practiced at noticing what she feels. Less certain of what she needs. Less connected to her inner voice.

This is not a failure of commitment. It is often the result of long-term self-adjustment.

When a woman consistently places herself last in order to preserve harmony or stability, something essential is slowly abandoned. Not the relationship, but herself.

Why leaving feels harder when there’s no clear reason

When a partner is fundamentally decent, leaving can feel morally confusing. Friends may be supportive but quietly puzzled. Family members may encourage gratitude. Society still tends to ask women to justify why “good enough” isn’t enough.

This is where many women become stuck. Not because they don’t sense something needs to change, but because they don’t feel permitted to trust that knowing.

They may stay longer than feels healthy, waiting for clarity to arrive in a form that feels legitimate. Meanwhile, numbness grows. Emotional fatigue sets in. Resentment or disconnection follows, often unintentionally.

Ironically, staying can create the very distance they were trying to avoid.

Divorce as an internal decision before an external one

In these cases, the decision to leave is rarely impulsive. It is usually preceded by years of reflection, attempts at communication, therapy, compromise, and self-questioning.

Long before papers are filed, an internal reckoning has already taken place.

The woman begins to realise that the cost of staying is the gradual erosion of her sense of self. That continuing requires a level of self-silencing she can no longer sustain. That the life she is living may be respectable, but no longer true.

This moment is rarely dramatic. It is often quiet, heavy, and deeply private.

And it has very little to do with the partner being “bad.”

Reframing divorce without blame

One of the most helpful shifts for women navigating this kind of separation is moving away from narratives of fault and toward narratives of truth.

Divorce does not always mean someone failed. Sometimes it means something honest has finally been acknowledged.

This reframing can ease guilt and reduce the need to over-explain. Not “I’m leaving because you weren’t enough,” but “I’m leaving because I stopped being myself.”

This distinction matters. Psychologically and emotionally.

When women understand their decision as a movement toward themselves rather than away from someone else, recovery tends to be steadier and less conflicted.

From numbness to return

After leaving, many women are surprised by what comes next.

There may be relief, alongside grief. Freedom paired with disorientation. Confidence in the decision, mixed with moments of doubt.

This is normal. While divorce changes the external structure of life, it does not instantly restore a woman’s relationship with herself. That reconnection takes time.

Rebuilding is not about immediately knowing who you are. It’s about slowly reconnecting with what feels true again. Learning to take up space emotionally. Practising self-trust in small, everyday choices. Letting go of the habit of self-override.

For women who have spent years prioritising others, this can feel unfamiliar at first. But it is also deeply restorative.

Moving forward with integrity

Divorce without drama is not a lesser story. It is often a braver one.

It requires a woman to listen inward without external validation. To accept that clarity doesn’t always come with a headline-worthy reason. To trust that her inner life matters, even when it’s difficult to explain.

More women are reaching this point today than ever before. And they deserve language that reflects their experience with dignity and depth.

Not as a failure. Not as selfishness. But as a return.

About Isabelle Ulenaers

Isabelle Ulenaers is a Specialist in divorce-related identity transformation. Her work focuses on helping women rebuild self-trust, clarity, and emotional stability when life looks “right” on the outside but no longer feels true on the inside.

Visit her website

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Menodivorce or Menopause? Feeling out of control at Christmas
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Menodivorce or Menopause? Feeling out of control at Christmas

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Sarah Barr-Young
Sarah Barr-Young Head of Financial Remedies Department at Jones Myers, Harrogate

Sponsored post by Jones Myers.

A series of studies has highlighted a connection between menopause and divorce – with many women attributing the menopause as a key factor in their relationship breakdown.

The festive season can be a particularly stressful time for married and separated couples for several reasons. High on the are list are financial worries, concerns about seeing their children – and the pressure of expectations to make the holiday magical and memorable for loved ones.

While I am not a medical expert, I am aware that seasonal stress can exacerbate physical and mental symptoms of menopause and perimenopause, the transitional phase before menopause. They include tiredness, hot flushes and mood swings along with feelings of inadequacy and shortcomings.

As a family law specialist with extensive experience in working with women in their mid-lives, I know how hard many of them find openly discussing their emotions with their nearest and dearest, a contributory factor in findings linking menopause and divorce.

Another worrying factor from the research focuses on the vital role of solicitors. Many women who have divorced while undergoing the menopause say their family lawyers failed to include the menopause and its impact on their deteriorating relationships in divorce discussions.

While this may be attributable to a lack of awareness or understanding, it requires addressing as a priority to ensure our family law profession fulfils its responsibility to assess every aspect of our clients’ lives following a relationship breakdown and guide and support them in reaching the best possible solutions.

Jones Myers’ holistic approach explores all areas of our clients’ lives, signposting them to third parties, whether this be counsellors, therapists or IFAs, when appropriate. Our firm’s approved internal list of referrers ensures clients receive the highest quality advice for their unique circumstances.

Finances are another key area where we guide and assist clients undergoing separation or divorce.

Many perimenopausal and menopausal women deciding to make the break have chosen to sacrifice their careers or put them on hold to bring up their families. This may have prevented them from saving money or accruing a work pension, later prompting major fears of how they will manage post-divorce.

We recognise clients’ concerns over finances – and how many women during their marriages have not had to manage practicalities such as tax, standing orders or direct debits.

Helping clients to plan for their future both pre and post-divorce, our holistic approach sees  us work with tried and tested financial advisers who support our clients to stay on track as  they embark on the next phase of their lives.

I urge all women who are feeling the season’s pressures and thinking about divorce and separation, to seek help from professionals and family lawyers who understand the challenges they face – and who can guide them on the right path.

For queries on any aspect of family law, call Jones Myers at Leeds 0113 246 0055, Harrogate 01423 276104, or York 01904 202550. Visit www.jonesmyers.co.uk, email info@jonesmyers.co.uk or tweet @helpwithdivorce

Jones Myers blog is ranked 5th in the UK’s Best 25 family law blogs and websites to follow in 2025.

Read more articles by Jones Myers.

About Sarah Barr-Young

Sarah brings a wealth of expertise to her role as Head of Jones Myers’ award-winning Financial Remedies Department at the firm’s Harrogate town centre office.

Highly experienced in complex, high net worth financial disputes, Sarah’s reputation in business property portfolios, pensions on divorce and resolving disputes out of court through negotiation is widely recognised.

A named Legal 500 ‘Key’ Lawyer and Chambers ‘Notable Practitioner’, Sarah is respected and valued by clients as a strong ‘no nonsense’, knowledgeable, strategist who is also patient and empathetic.

A long-standing admirer of Jones Myers’ reputation for delivering excellence in client care and legal services of the highest calibre, Sarah relishes the opportunity to be instrumental to the practice’s continued growth.

Sarah is an accredited resolution specialist in Complex Financial Remedies and Private Children Law and is a Member of Resolution.

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Reclaiming Work After Divorce – Rights, Reality and Rebuilding Identity
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Reclaiming Work After Divorce – Rights, Reality and Rebuilding Identity

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Stephanie Cohen
Stephanie Cohen
Peter Burgess
Peter Burgess

How legal fairness and personal reinvention work together on the journey back to work

Article written by Peter Burgess, Senior Partner at Burgess Mee and FMC Accredited Mediator, and Stephanie Cohen, Career Coach and Founder at Passenger to Pilot.

The legal approach to maintenance

Over the last 25 years, we have seen a sea-change in the world of work and the relationship between careers and parenting. The seminal House of Lords decision in White v White in 2000 introduced the idea of a partnership of equals between husband and wife.

But although equality is now the lodestar for how financial division is carried out, there is one area in which parties are rarely equal.

Cases such as  SS v NS in 2014 saw the courts refine their approach to maintenance. After years of ‘joint lives maintenance orders’, maintenance is now assessed through the framework of being rehabilitative and needs-based, for fixed or extendable terms only.

The job market in a post-Covid world

In the post-Covid world, we are on the cusp of further changes to work, with the advent of AI and automation likely to make many traditional career paths redundant. This makes life even more complex for those looking for work after an extended period out of the job market. For a wife (as is still often the case) who finds herself at the end of a long marriage with children who becoming more independent, there is an expectation that she must find work to support herself within a short period of time, perhaps with some retraining. Typically, salary figures of between £20,000 and £40,000 per annum would be mentioned, depending on professional experience.  A spouse is therefore placed in the position of seeking work, coming to terms with the end of a relationship, while often bearing the brunt of childcare. It is no mean feat.

Returning to work after divorce: A different reality

Once that shift in legal framework is understood (the shift away from joint lives maintenance, the focus on rehabilitation and the expectation that an individual will return to work) a different reality enters the picture.  The law can assess needs and acknowledge career sacrifice, but it cannot account for a person’s internal experience as they must now rebuild or inhabit a working identity.  This is where financial fairness and emotional readiness often fall out of sync.

For many clients who seek out coaching, the private moment when they realise they must re-enter work feels less like a practical task and more like an existential one.  After years spent centring the home, children and a partner’s career, many describe their sense of professional self as being diminished or absent.  Even those who remained employed throughout the marriage often speak of a subtler erosion where confidence has shrunk, they feel “behind” professional peers or overwhelmed from the strain of holding down a job while carrying the weight of personal lives unravelling.   On paper their professional selves are intact, but privately they feel depleted or disconnected from the work they once did successfully.

This emotional landscape at this stage is often hidden in the legal process and can be best described as a complex mix of fear, fatigue and (sometimes) a flicker of excitement. Re-entering the workplace or shifting career goals can raise fears about being competent enough in a world that has moved on, as well as fatigue from the prolonged emotional labour of a marriage’s demise.  There can even be a fragile excitement about the possibility of reclaiming or redefining a career that feels like their own.  This is why returning to work, though originally framed as a financial step, can often also be an act of self-care, agency and identity repair.

Redefining career goals: a reset moment

As is often the case in advisory work or mediation, what is reasonable in legal terms may not always feel manageable in human terms. A timeline for returning to work can feel insurmountable to someone who has not inhabited their professional self in years or who has simply been surviving at work.  This can often be a disorientating experience. Bridging the gap works best when a client can take an approach that is both steadying and clarifying.  In our respective fields, our work starts with helping clients assert their legal rights and restoring the internal capability to live a full and self-actualised life.

In coaching, for example, that often begins with helping individuals understand who they are now as a professional, rather than who they once were. We explore the attributes that remain strong, those that are dormant and the new ones emerging in the wake of such significant personal change. Through our engagement, the process of “starting again” becomes a more grounded rediscovery of confidence and authorship. Clients who have been absent from the workforce entirely begin to see paths back in.  Others renegotiate flexible work so they can rebuild at a humane pace for themselves and their families.  Those who stayed in work can find steadiness and a renewed sense of themselves.

Exercise by Stephanie Cohen: Reclaim Space

Often, the turning point is not cognitive but embodied.  I use a simple exercise called “Reclaim Space”, where I ask my client to step into a busy lift, standing in the centre rather than the corner, and holding their place as others move around them.  No apologising. No shrinking.  Just quietly occupying their place in the world and giving themselves permission to do so.  What initially feels uncomfortable, for many becomes the first moment they feel themselves reappear after years of contraction.  From that point, returning to work (or returning presence to work) becomes more than an obligation.  It becomes a way back to self.

Read more articles by Peter Burgess.

About Peter Burgess

Peter co-founded Burgess Mee in 2013 after starting his legal career at Withersworldwide. With over 20 years’ experience in family law, he is recognised as one of London’s leading divorce lawyers, advising on high-value financial cases and complex children matters, including international relocations. He is also an FMC Accredited Mediator. His expertise has earned industry-wide recognition, including in Spear’s, The Legal 500 and Chambers UK. He is a Fellow of the International Academy of Family Lawyers and serves on Resolution’s National Committee. Peter has acted in significant reported cases, including Cazalet v Abu-Zalaf [2023] and AH v BH [2024], and co-authored International Trust and Divorce Litigation. He also co-created resources such as Within the Window and The Happy Co-Parent to support clients who are navigating trauma and co-parenting.

Visit Burgess Mee
Connect with Peter on LinkedIn

About Stephanie Cohen

Stephanie Cohen is the founder of Passenger to Pilot, a career coaching and advisory practice supporting senior leaders and high performers navigating transition, identity shifts, and high-pressure professional environments. She brings over 20 years of leadership experience at the highest levels of financial services and regulation, having previously served as Global Chief Operating Officer for BlackRock’s investment businesses and as an Executive Director at the UK Financial Conduct Authority. Drawing on this background, Stephanie now works with clients across sectors and regions to rebuild confidence, clarity, and professional presence during periods of change, including returning to work after divorce, career breaks, or significant personal upheaval. Her coaching approach blends strategic insight, psychological depth, and lived senior leadership experience to help individuals regain authorship of their careers.

Visit Passenger to Pilot

Connect with Stephanie on LinkedIn

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Managing Parenting Stress During Separation
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Managing Parenting Stress During Separation

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Parenting stress can be bad enough when you’re in a relationship with your child’s other parent. Going through a separation can make it even more crushing.

Zarira Love
Zarira Love
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

Luckily, parenting stress is manageable if you put in the work. The following can help you lower your stress levels…

Positive affirmations

Stress can leave you feeling inadequate. Positive affirmations provide reassurance so you worry less.

Remind yourself of the good that you do for your child:

  • “I provide my child with what they need.”
  • “I listen when my child has a problem.”
  • “I’m a great parent.”
  • “I love my child unconditionally.”
  • “I stay strong for my child no matter what.”

Remind yourself that you can move forward after separation.

  • “I can get through this.”
  • “I’m desirable and worthy of love.”
  • “I have a lot to offer.”
  • “My marriage doesn’t define who I am.”
  • “This is the start of a new – and better – chapter.”

You can find many affirmations to use online or write your own to directly address your stressors. It’s all about setting intentions and turning negative self-talk into positive self-talk.

You could make crafts that incorporate your affirmations and put them around your home. This is a fun way to de-stress and make a habit of starting your day by reciting your affirmations.

Don’t compare yourself to others

Comparing yourself to others is a surefire way to make you feel lousy.

You might wonder why you couldn’t make your relationship work while others can, or why other parents never seem frazzled or overwhelmed like you do.

Understand that people often project an image that is not reality, especially on social media. Stop consuming content that makes you feel worse. Instead, look for more realistic depictions. You might turn to those in your real life who are willing to have honest conversations about their experiences with parenting and separation.

Letting go of chasing the “perfect” separation or being the “perfect” parent will lift a good deal of weight off your shoulders.

Keep yourself in check

If your child sees you engaging in harmful behaviours to relieve stress, they may have trouble managing their own negative emotions. Drinking to excess, yelling, and throwing things are bad behaviours you don’t want your child to mimic.

Stress can shorten your fuse. It’s important to hold back when you find yourself on the verge of breaking down in front of your child. If your child is frustrating you to the point that you might lash out, walk away for a moment. Take a deep breath and collect yourself.

Acknowledge how you’re feeling without letting your negative emotions take over. Eventually, you’ll realise that you are in control, which will make dealing with day-to-day mishaps and your child’s misbehaviour less stressful.

Don’t take on all parenting alone

Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for one parent to shoulder all parenting responsibility after separation. But both parents still have an obligation to care for and provide for their child.

Try to sit down together and create a temporary parenting agreement. This ensures both parents know what is expected of them. If it works well, you can make it a permanent agreement.

If you have trouble getting on the same page, you might need to go to court. The family court process in England and Wales is slightly different than the process in Scotland and in Northern Ireland. But the result is the same: a court order that clearly defines each parent’s responsibilities.

Give yourself a break

Take time to relax and reset.

Try to do something for yourself every day. It can be as simple as reading a book or watching a few episodes of your favourite show. Take a warm bath to unwind after the kids are in bed. Exercise to release tension.

You might feel guilty if you aren’t always with your child. However, getting breaks from them lets you reconnect with who you are outside of parenting. The other parent can look after them when they’re available, or you can ask a friend or relative if a sitter is too expensive.

When you are with your kids, do something fun. Baking, playing sports, making crafts, going to the cinema, and other activities are fun ways to help everyone relax.

 

Get help

It’s comforting to know there are resources available. Get support when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

  • Relatives and friends: Lean on your village for support. They can provide childcare, lend an ear when you need to vent, and more.
  • Support groups: Look for support groups for separated parents, which can provide encouragement, advice and support.
  • Therapists: A good therapist can help you talk through your problems so they aren’t weighing on your mind and help you develop coping strategies.
  • Your general practitioner (GP): Your GP makes sure you’re looking after your health and can write referrals to mental health and other services if need be.
  • Co-parenting apps: Apps like Custody X Change help you stay organised as you build your child arrangements case, keep track of your child’s activities, and more.

 

Managing parenting and separation is hard, but working to reduce your stress levels makes dealing with it much more bearable.

 

Read more articles by Custody X Change.

About Zarira Love

Zarira Love has been researching and writing articles about child custody and parenting for nearly six years. She currently resides in New York City.

Zarira is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

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Finding Calm Amid Separation: A Guide to Self-Care
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Finding Calm Amid Separation: A Guide to Self-Care

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Jo Harrison
Jo Harrison Divorce Consultant and Relationship Therapist Family Law in Partnership

American naturalist and writer Hal Borland said, “No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn,” a phrase that is often used
to give hope to people going through something difficult. I know from my experience of working with people who are going through a separation, that it can feel like it really is going on forever, and it can be hard to hold onto the hope of something changing – particularly when people are going through litigation or there is high conflict.

How can you support yourself through this difficult period?

This is often a process that can take a long time and have complex developments both in the practical and physical aspects of your life as well as emotionally and psychologically. These are some of the key aspects I encourage people to think about to support their own care as they go through the process of separating…

1. Prioritise What Matters Most

This is a time of life when you may need to prioritise what is important to you in order to preserve emotional energy and resources. This might mean saying no to things, or being careful about the things you do in order to choose things that feel nurturing or positive to your wellbeing, or to not choose things that you know are going to make you feel drained or worse.

 

2. Set Boundaries Around Communication

Depending on the quality of relationship with your ex, it may be that when you communicate with each other it makes you feel bad or upset or it drains you. It may be that you need to communicate about certain things for example arrangements about the children. It is also possible to set boundaries for yourself around if you feel there are ways you can support yourself. For example, not reading or exchanging emails late at night when this might affect your sleep, or trying to multi task childcare and difficult conversations. Some people even set up separate email accounts so that they can be intentional about the time they read messages from their ex. If it’s possible, try to agree with each other a time that you will check in with each other to catch up regularly rather than drip feed information. (This can work really well for parents to have a time each week where they know they are going to be able to talk about things that need talking about).


3. Pick Your Battles

This may be a more challenging one, but take a moment to reflect whether there is a part of you that gets drawn into difficult communications with your ex. Are you able to pick your battles, or step back from some issues that are not as important as others? This will save your energy and allow you a bit of distance rather than keep taking you back into unhealthy dynamics.


4. Allow Yourself Time to Reflect

It is ok to be sad and to cry. Self-care is not about having a smiley face on all the time. It’s about allowing yourself space to grieve what you have lost, and allowing yourself space to try to understand what has happened.


5. Build a Support System

All of this can be supported by making sure you have a good support system. That does not just mean friends and family. It might mean booking an appointment with the GP to talk about how you are not sleeping. It might mean considering therapy to have a space to be supported with all that you are feeling. It might mean making sure you get the support of all the positive aspects of nature by making sure you have a walk each day, or the good feelings you get from exercise. Take a step back and think about what aspects of life and which people help you to feel better and supported.


6. Recognise When You Need a Break

One of the lawyers at FLiP often reminds people that having a duvet day when you just do not feel like dealing with the legal stuff is totally understandable. All she asks is that it is communicated so that you can think together about how to do what is required. This kind of dynamic thinking about what needs doing on the legal side of things can often get lost or people can feel that they are not allowed to have these kinds of conversations with their lawyers. It is really important that there is an open channel of communication about how you are feeling about doing what you need to do.

7. Reconnect with Your Identity


It’s also important to remember aspects of your identity that are not connected to you getting divorced, since it can feel so overwhelming. Make sure you make time for yourself where you are not focussed on something divorce related. Some people find it a good time to take up a new activity or hobby where they can enjoy new aspects of themselves rather than feeling focussed on all that has happened with their relationship. This may be something to work towards in time as often people can feel too overwhelmed to take on something new. Look at my thoughts on reclaiming your identity after separation here.

8. Be Kind to Yourself During the Holidays


We know that with Christmas around the corner, there are added loads on people’s shoulders, perhaps for some combined with the pressure of feeling you need to make Christmas extra special for the children now that you are separated. Be kind to yourself and do the stuff that makes you feel good and that feels doable, rather than taking on too much and feeling burned out.

Most of all, be compassionate to yourself. We know that divorce is a stressful and emotional time. Listening to yourself and what you need is important and may keep you afloat during this time of navigation.

Read more articles from Jo Harrison

About Jo Harrison

Jo is a Divorce Consultant and Relationship Therapist with Family Law in Partnership. She is very experienced in working with individuals and couples who are separating.  A former family lawyer, Jo has a depth of experience and understands the legal process, which many if her clients find helpful.

If you would like to enquire about support individually in relation to preparing for a divorce or separation, please contact the FLiP relationship support team at E: therapists@flip.co.uk 

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How to Spot if Your Partner is a Narcissist
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How to Spot if Your Partner is a Narcissist

Published on
Claire Chisnall
Claire Chisnall Senior Associate Consilia Legal

Abuse in a marriage or civil partnership can take many different forms, such as physical, sexual, financial and emotional. There are many types of emotional abuse, which are also often referred to as psychological abuse, and this is where the form of abuse is much more complex and can be due to one party having challenging personality traits such as narcissism.

Narcissism is often dismissed as a person being selfish, self-centred or self-absorbed, but this form of abuse is much deeper than that, and how a person uses this to manipulate situations and emotions can develop over many years and can be particularly damaging for the person on the receiving end. It is important to point out that not everyone that behaves badly in a relationship is a narcissist, narcissism is much more than poor behaviour this is a pattern of troubling personality traits which we refer to further below. 

What is narcissism?

Fundamentally, narcissism is a mental health condition called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It is a form of emotional manipulation which can stem from deep-rooted insecurities and a lack of self-esteem but manifests itself in many different ways, and sometimes this is not deliberate or intentional on the part of the perpetrator. Hence, a narcissist may be unaware that they are causing emotional strain on their partner, but on the other hand, some narcissists are aware and use their personality disorder to cause emotional harm. The recipient of narcissistic behaviour can feel trapped and helpless because the primary motivation of a narcissist is to have control and to manipulate, whether this is intentional or not.  

Common signs of narcissistic behaviour

Although all narcissists will behave slightly differently, and of course every relationship is different, there are common traits that you may be able to identify as narcissistic behaviour:

  • A sense of self-importance and entitlement
  • Can’t show any empathy or compassion to you as a victim or any friends or family of yours
  • Generally charming to you initially but will often keep up a charming persona to others 
  • Showing excessive affection and wanting constant communications at the start of a relationship, often called love bombing
  • Being jealous and envious of other relationships you might have
  • Displaying arrogance as a form of low self-esteem
  • Preoccupied by status and wealth 
  • Can demonstrate aggressive tendencies as they can’t regulate their emotions properly
  • Very sensitive to criticism of themselves and can’t tolerate imperfections in other people
  • Prone to publicly humiliating you and making a joke out of it 
  • Can be controlling and very manipulative. 

A narcissist will present with more than one of the above traits, and there are differing levels of narcissistic traits, with some being far more challenging and potentially dangerous. There is generally a pattern of behaviour that develops over time which presents itself as a cycle, where one minute your partner can be loving and the next be very dismissive of you, creating a feeling of rejection resulting in you seeking validation from them. This cycle can be very damaging to your self-worth and self-esteem, especially if this been going on over a long period of time. 

How to identify that your partner is a narcissist

Living with a narcissist can be exhausting and it will feel like you are always questioning yourself. It can also result in you developing low self-esteem and this could manifest itself in stress and anxiety where you feel torn between being loyal to your partner and escaping the situation. It is therefore important that you recognise the narcissistic traits in your partner and act on them. Here we have listed typical scenarios you might recognise:

  • Is your partner always seeking praise and admiration from you or other people?
  • Does your partner act like rules or laws don’t apply to them and that they deserve special treatment? Do they feel untouchable, as if they can do no wrong?
  • Do they like to portray a very charming character in public, but you know this is false?
  • Are they unable to take criticism on board?
  • Do they refuse to take responsibility for their actions?
  • Do they become excessive with flattery, gifts and seek commitment early in a relationship? Or after a fall-out?
  • Are they capable of giving you the silent treatment and stonewalling you for hours? 
  • Do they always make themselves centre of a conversation and show open disinterest in talking about you? 
  • Do they make you feel like nothing you do will ever be good enough?
  • Are they incapable of recognising the needs of you or other people? 
  • Do they act impulsively for attention, and show a reckless disregard for the consequences? 
  • Do they try to gaslight you and twist situations, so you feel like you are always in the wrong?  

Some of these traits are common in a partner and can be dismissed as playful or the normal ups and downs of a relationship. But it is very easy for these behaviours to become excessive and for a pattern to form which becomes abusive behaviour. The objective of the narcissist is to have control and to manipulate situations and emotions for their own benefit, and whether this is intentional or not, it is a form of emotional abuse. 

How to deal with a narcissist

Because a narcissist is hypersensitive, you often find yourself treading on eggshells around them and this makes it difficult to discuss the behaviour with them, and in some cases could result in the abuse taking on another form. If you have concerns about the behaviour of your partner and wish to escape the situation, it is important to speak to family and friends and seek their support. There are numerous resources available for those being subjected to an abusive relationship, such as the Domestic Abuse National helpline. You should take professional advice from an experienced family law solicitor, who will explain what your rights are and how you should approach a divorce and separation, or dissolving a civil partnership, if that is the course of action you have chosen.

About Claire Chisnell

Claire Chisnall, Senior Associate in the Family Team at Consilia Legal. Claire is a highly experienced family lawyer with a broad background across all areas of family law and is recognised for securing excellent outcomes for her clients through her calm, pragmatic approach.

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Our Relationship is Over: What Do I Do Now?
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Our Relationship is Over: What Do I Do Now?

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James Pirrie
James Pirrie
Director at
Family Law in Partnership

Let’s not sugar coat it, this question “what do I do now?” (at the moment you know you will separate) is the single most important question you will answer in this whole chapter of your life. There will be a lot of other questions that you will be coming to, but get this one right and you should be able to avoid the unreasonable positioning and exhausting demands of a slow process that will cost eye-watering amounts, to achieve to your best possible outcome.  

Here are my ten top tips from helping clients through this part of their lives for the past forty-something years.

1. Ensure you are safe 

Ensure your safety and the safety of your children.  If there is a risk to this then it will dictate how you address the rest of these tips.

Safety at the end of a relationship is a whole topic on its own and planning for it will depend on your situation.  In controlling relationships, it is likely that a whole range of strategies will have been put in place around you by your prospective ex, with the intention of making it impossible for you to go.  The single most important thing is to reach the realisation that yes you are going to leave – it is then about getting the support to manage your way out of the maze. If you need help to leave safely, there are amazing organisations that can help you manage a safe exit.  Everything follows from this.

2. Manage your emergencies

In the same way, some separations have emergencies – personal safety is the most important.  Others can include:

  • jurisdictional races (where one of you could start proceedings in a different country, you may need to act quickly to ensure your divorce takes place where your needs and those of the children will be met favourably)
  • a child being taken abroad to separate them from you (child abduction)
  • information or assets being hidden or disposed of 
  • your being isolated from funds.

Some of these you can address in part – or at least make easier – but many of them are going to require immediate professional help, probably from a solicitor.

The rest of the “to-dos” are subject to emergencies – sometimes you won’t have time to plan your best path, you will feel bounced around by circumstance. Just carry on trying your best, accepting where you are and planning from there. 

3. Consider couple counselling

If there are no safety concerns, this is a consideration that you should not skate past. I have worked for too many people who have said their ex has come back to them some years down the road saying “I got it wrong – I don’t know what I was thinking- is there a way back for us?”. For me that points to a missed opportunity for some serious conversation around what was not working in the relationship and each person’s capacity for change. Of course, the result may still be that you decide to separate, but talking things through a counsellor is also likely to reassure and make for better progress if you do decide to part. 

4. Be kind if you can

So often, perhaps when people come to me midway through, they seem to be in a terrible situation, which they are finding hard to understand. There might be brutality around disclosure or how the finances are being managed for the interim or how arrangements are being set around the children. It is all a bit destructive and aimless, which is a surprise as they’re decent people. So, what went wrong?  Well usually it is about how things started.  

Actions like deception and adultery matter (see my blog here on this very point) – perhaps not to the professionals who know the courts don’t care, but they really matter to the person being deceived and to their kids when they find out.  Brutal and sharp separations are like throwing a huge slab of concrete into a small pond – the splash and ripples are going to play havoc for a while and in unexpected ways.  Stepping out slowly and gently with empathy respect and understanding, can help everyone get through to the smart choices more quickly.

5. Start early

It follows that planning and starting early is usually a positive too, you can pace things more calmly. You don’t find yourself suddenly desperate that it all has to be sorted by the weekend. (That “I have just had it up to here” moment). It also means that you are less likely to be bounced into the “well I am leaving you” discussion at the worst of times in the heat of an argument.  These things are going to be tough and thinking about how to do it in the best way, in the calm, will pay dividends.

6. Get support

All of that is going to point towards you getting individual support.  So many  people say “I don’t need that fluffy stuff …” or “we are not getting back together”. But that is not what this is about. It is about understanding where your ex is and what they are going through. It is about helping you to think of this from their side to be able to move things on in the best way possible. It is tough.  It is practical. It is also short term and goal-oriented.

Find the right support and you will be challenged to do this well, but also supported to do so.  That’s why I recommend that you get professional support – not just support from your mates or family:

This is the other response to my recommendation of professional expertise is “well I am talking to my friends.” The problem with relying solely on friends and family is that:

  • They care too much and as such, are likely to operate like an echo chamber for you: they want to be supportive and are likely to tell you what they think you want to hear – which is not always what you need to hear
  • They may bring their own unresolved personal issues to the conversation and that is not helpful 
  • They don’t have the training to help you process everything in a constructive way 
  • Their advice is likely to be on the hoof, quick answers without the depth of consideration that is really needed
  • You may find yourself managing your choices to keep them satisfied.

Without meaning to cast aspersions on your inner circle, you are also sharing confidences with them which may well be shared with others. 

I could go on but in essence, therapists are likely to be the most valuable in monetary terms. Find the right one and use them.

7. Think and write

So you know you are going to need to get some advice and guidance (how else are you going to have the anchor of knowing your rights and obligations – how else would you recognise a good deal?). Lawyers charge by time and will read a well-organised briefing way quicker than they can ask questions and you answer them. Many firms will have an information gatherer on their website. If you want to get the most from your time with a lawyer and keep costs time, you would prepare:

  • A balance sheet of where you are now:
    •  who is in the family and who are the relatives and important other people in your lives
    • all the dates and details that are going to be needed such as when the relationship started, was formalised and ended
    • and yes those financial numbers all pinned down so far as known. 
    • In addition there will be descriptions of what is going on – what everyone is like; how are your children doing, pictures etc.  
  • An account of how you got here this is likely to take in your families of origin, education, careers, first homes, challenges and so on
  • And then the quick fire document for a first call: The super brief summary and a clear vision of what you want and what you think are the hurdles to getting there.

Indeed sometimes I think that this last piece of knowing what you are needing is the single most important piece of work that will be in your briefing for the next step.

8. Find the right professional

This can feel like a minefield. There are directories ranking legal professionals, but they may not be your best starting point.  What you are likely to want is that skilled professional whom you trust because they get you and their values resonate with yours, simple as that.  

When you are researching there will be lots of focus on who does what process and your head can spin with the terms likely to be coming at you:  negotiation/ collaborative/ co-operative/ one lawyer/ together/ amicable/ litigation/ mediation/ child inclusion/ hybrid/ integrative, but that shouldn’t be your worry: Your job is to be clear about your needs (those hurdles you identified at stage 7), not the process (which is what the professional brings to accommodate them). It is the professional’s job to show that they have heard you and to explain their recommendation.  If you are convinced, you have the start of your plan. If you are not then say so – if you are not heard, you may not be in the right room so think about moving on now.  

It is why you might do well to choose a professional who is serious about all the different ways of doing things – it will ensure you are presented with all the options. Many lawyers will only have one qualification, permitting them to negotiate your case  with the court as a fall back and the court is the last place most people want to end up.  If your lawyer doesn’t know, isn’t familiar with and doesn’t use collaborative, mediation or arbitration  then just have in mind that these ways that might suit you better will probably not be on the menu for discussion.

9. Be brave …ish

Sitting down to talk with your ex may be absolutely the last thing you want to do, and of course you shouldn’t compromise safety, but for most people, a professionally assisted conversation with a neutral person (likely to be in mediation – but potentially “one lawyer”) is likely to be the fast route to finding the best solution. Your ex is likely to have a view of what they think the outcome should be and they are going to hang onto it until you can show that you have heard them. It is much harder to do this if your discussion is via letters and emails being fired between lawyers from their respective trenches a seeming “safe” distance away from each other.

The right mediator will help you both to manage a safe and productive conversation even in difficult situations. There would be an assessment and  intake process (called “a MIAM”, standing for Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting) when you can gather an understanding of what mediation would be like and talk through whether it is for you. In fact, you are required in most situations to have this meeting even if you wanted ultimately to go to court and I would encourage you to enter this meeting with an open mind as there is a lot of flexibility in mediation and other processes which may mean they are better for you.

10. Think kids

So obvious you may say it didn’t need saying. Where you have children, they are likely to be the lens through which all of this is viewed, you will consider your children:

  • when you take steps to start
  • in how you manage the relationship with your ex (because you are usually going to be co-parenting long term so you will not want to lay waste to how you talk to each other)
  • in the choices you make (for example the geography of your homes and family-friendly career-choices)
  • in the timing of any new relationship
  • in how you work out care and decision making: your children are part of each of you, they need safe arrangements to have a relationship with each of you if possible – and ideally each of you supporting the other to be the best parent you can be.

There is a lot to consider and it is all too easy to delay. But whether this relationship is your future or not is for you to decide and in your heart you will know the answer to that (especially if you have been through tip 3).  

If this relationship is not working and can’t be made to work, it is unlikely to be the best example of “adult relationships” for your kids, but beyond this, please don’t become that person I see so regularly who says “now I know about it all, I should have done this a decade ago, it would have been better for everyone.”

Read more articles by James Pirrie.

Read more articles by Family Law in Partnership.

About James Pirrie

James Pirrie is a Director of Family Law in Partnership, a highly regarded law firm based in London, which specialises in de-escalating conflict in family law.  He is an Arbitrator, Family Solicitor and Mediator accredited in child-inclusive mediation.

James is driven to improve long term outcomes for families who are experiencing separation or divorce.  He is credited with introducing collaborative law to the UK and with changing how children’s needs are addressed during family breakdown through the Parenting after Parting initiative.

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Emotional Readiness and Co-Parenting: Why You Shouldn’t Rush Up a Mountain
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Emotional Readiness and Co-Parenting: Why You Shouldn’t Rush Up a Mountain

Published on
Jimi Odell
Jimi Odell
Content manager
OnePlusOne

Between the day you decide to separate and the day you finally feel settled in your new co-parenting life, there is a mountain to climb. It can be daunting and you may not feel ready to take that first step but, when children are involved, you know you’re going to have to start climbing at some point.

Emotional readiness is a key factor in how well you’ll fare on your climb. During a separation, your emotional wellbeing can take a big hit, and it’s normal to experience a range of strong emotions. If you stumble into making co-parenting arrangements while these emotions are still running wild, it can be like trying to climb with no pack, no plan, and no shoes on your feet.

It’s a different mountain for everyone, so nobody can tell you exactly which path to follow, or how long it’s going to take. Some will find it’s a steady climb with their ex-partner alongside them, and others may find themselves exhausted at base camp wondering where their ex has got to. But, even though nobody has climbed your mountain before, lots of people have climbed mountains – you can learn from their experiences, and even borrow their tools.

Emotional readiness is your ability to make effective co-parenting arrangements and handle disagreements with your ex-partner (Barlow et al., 2014).

A separation is a life-changing event and it’s very common to be dealing with a jumble of emotions that may include any combination of shame, guilt, anxiety, bitterness, anger, frustration, and more. There’s often a sense of failure or loss as you reshape your vision of the future and your understanding of the relationship. There are often positive emotions in the mix too – you may have a strong sense of relief or even hope for the future, and these can also affect the way you approach decisions.

Whatever you’re going through, all of these emotions can affect your judgement and your ability to make long-term practical decisions. At a time when you’re trying to figure out where you and your ex will live, and making important decisions about how your children will split their time, emotional readiness plays a huge part.

Emotional Readiness and Co-Parenting

When you are emotionally ready, you will be more likely to find a way through to making amicable agreements with your ex-partner. If you’re not emotionally ready, you may need support with things like communication to help you get through the next phase. Trying to make big decisions when you are not emotionally ready can actually make things worse in the long term, so it’s important to give yourself space to adjust (Barlow et al 2014).

You may find that it gets easier in time, but if you’ve already locked in your co-parenting arrangements, it can be difficult to go back and change things. Consider where you’re at right now, and where your ex-partner might be at, and try to factor that into how you make those arrangements. 

If you’re still feeling a lot of strong emotions, it might be better to make short- or medium-term arrangements for now, with a plan to reconvene when you are both feeling more settled. Having a written parenting plan can help you manage this, especially if you build in an agreement to review your plans and adjust them based on how they’ve been working. You might want to choose a time frame for this – say, three or six months, depending on what feels right for your family.

Emotional adjustment happens at different speeds for different people. As you climb your own personal mountain, it’s likely you’ll find that you and your ex don’t reach the summit at the same time. You may take completely different routes to get there. 

A big part of this comes down to which of you initiated the separation. If it was your idea to separate, you’ll have had much longer than your ex to get used to the idea. You’ve probably been making plans in the back of your mind for a while. If, on the other hand, it was your ex-partner’s idea to separate, you might still be in shock at the sudden change, with no idea about what you’re going to do next. It’ll take some time to accept things before you can even begin to make plans.

Whichever side of the mountain you’re on, try to be considerate to the idea that you and your ex-partner are having different experiences. You may need to be patient while your ex catches up, or accept that your ex is further along in the journey than you.

Measuring Emotional Readiness

You might already have a sense of your own emotional readiness, just based on how you feel, but there is an accurate and scientific way of measuring it. In 2020, a team of researchers published their findings about a test called the Emotional Adaptation to Relationship Dissolution Assessment (or EARDA for short). The ten-question test takes a measure of how you’re feeling in ten key emotional areas (Millings et al. 2020):

  • Shame
  • Guilt
  • Relief
  • Anxiety
  • Loss
  • Anger
  • Resentment
  • Frustration
  • Failure
  • Hope

Even just taking this test can be a useful process to help you reflect on how you are doing now, and whether anything is starting to shift. You can find this tool on OnePlusOne’s free co-parenting app, Separating better along with lots of support on how to deal with difficult emotions, talking to children, housing, finance, and more. There’s also a free parenting plan and a video course to help you work on your communication skills so that you can start to improve your emotional readiness.

Think of it as a set of climbing tools that you can put in your pocket and look at any time you feel stuck on the side of the mountain. The app is available for free at least until the end of January 2026.

About Jimi Odell

Jimi Odell is a writer who has specialised in parenting and relationships for over 15 years. He has worked with the charity OnePlusOne since 2014, creating evidence-based support and interventions to help people get on better. He is one of the creators behind the Separating better co-parenting app, a one-stop shop for separating parents which includes Behaviour Modelling Training videos to help co-parents learn conflict resolution and positive communication skills.

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"They'll Be Fine": Why Saying Kids are Resilient After Divorce Isn't the Whole Truth
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“They’ll Be Fine”: Why Saying Kids are Resilient After Divorce Isn’t the Whole Truth

Published on
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Co-Founder
Divorceworkshop

I went to a social worker as a teenager for over two years. And yes, it helped. I could finally talk about the horrendous things that happened to me growing up. But the truth? We only scratched the surface. The deeper wounds stayed buried. 

As a child of a high-conflict divorce, I didn’t realise how much the instability and constant tension were shaping me. On the outside, I looked like I was fine. Inside, I was just surviving. 

In my twenties, my mom gently pointed out that I seemed to overreact to little things. She was right. I felt edgy, overwhelmed, and ashamed of how easily I snapped. I had no idea what was going on with me. Was it my parents’ divorce and conflict? My father’s and stepmother’s toxic behavior toward my mom and me, and their need for control? Had this unstable and neglectful environment affected me so much? Yes, apparently it had. 

But here’s the thing: children don’t always show the effects of divorce right away. On the outside, I looked like I was managing. I went to school, had friends, did what I was “supposed” to do. I even made it to university, earned my first degree, and completed a post-grad programme. 

That’s what adults often see as resilience in kids during divorce: a child carrying on, coping, adapting. What’s harder to see is the cost of that coping. 

My story isn’t unique. Many children of divorce appear to be “fine” while silently carrying pain that surfaces years later. And that’s why I want to pause on the phrase we all hear, and sometimes even say ourselves: “Kids are resilient.”

Therapy and Understanding

Four and a half years of therapy later, I began to understand myself better. I wasn’t just “reactive.” I was having trauma responses. My nervous system had learned to survive chaos, and all the emotions I had stuffed away were finally demanding to be felt. 

That’s what unresolved childhood pain and anxiety look like. It doesn’t always surface immediately; it comes out later in our bodies, our emotions, and our relationships. 

And yet, through it all, I kept hearing the same refrain: “They’ll be fine. Kids bounce back”. 

The truth? Resilience doesn’t mean untouched. It doesn’t mean unaffected. It means that for some children, they survive, but survival can carry invisible scars that take years to heal. 

Why We Say It

If you’re a parent going through a separation or divorce, especially a high-conflict one, you’ve probably said it too: “ the kids will be okay,” or you really hope they will be. 

It slips out almost automatically, a way to calm the fear of not knowing how deeply this might be affecting your child. We don’t always say it because it’s true. We say it because we need it to be. 

And those messages don’t just come from inside us. They echo all around us, through friends, family, teachers, even strangers: 

  • “They’ll adjust.” 
  • “Kids are tough.” 
  • “My cousin’s kids turned out fine.”

Society, too, is uneasy with grief, conflict, and uncertainty. It feels safer to lean on comforting shortcuts than to sit with the reality that children might be struggling. That’s why “Kids are resilient” becomes our shield. 

A Psychological Shortcut

When I was studying for my thanatology degree, I learned about Terror Management Theory (TMT), sometimes explained more simply as the Anxiety Buffer Theory. The core idea is this: when painful truths feel unbearable, our minds cling to beliefs that make the world feel less threatening. 

Take divorce, for example. Parents often reassure themselves with, “They’ll adjust.” And while it’s true that children can adapt, this belief often functions as a protective shield for the parent. It eases guilt, fear, and shame about the impact divorce may have on their kids. The danger is that it can keep us from seeing what children really need: emotional safety, reassurance, and consistent support. 

We do this in other areas of life, too. Imagine hearing that a neighbour has been diagnosed with lung cancer. A common first response is, “Were they a smoker?” If the answer is yes, it reduces our anxiety; we can tell ourselves the illness was linked to a choice, which makes us feel safer. But if the answer is no, the truth feels scarier, because it reminds us that illness can strike anyone, even without warning. 

What If They’re Not Fine?

Divorce, especially high-conflict divorce, does affect children. It touches:

  • Their nervous system
  • Their sense of safety 
  • Their ability to trust 
  • Their beliefs about love and conflict 

Not every child shows it right away. Some hold it together because they think that’s their role. But holding it in doesn’t mean they’re okay. 

Resilience isn’t pretending nothing happened. It’s built through emotional safety, consistency, validation, and supportive relationships. 

What Children Need

If you’re navigating divorce, here’s how to support real resilience: 

  • Emotional Safety: Let them feel all their emotions, anger, sadness, relief, without trying to fix them. 
  • Consistency: Keep routines where you can. Predictability is grounding. 
  • Honest Reassurance: Remind them it’s not their fault. Tell them they’re loved. Explain what will stay the same. 
  • Permission to Love Both Parents (if safe): Kids should never feel like they have to choose sides. 
  • Therapeutic Support: Even short-term counseling can give children tools and language to process what’s happening. 

You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to show up, reflect, and let them know it’s safe to be real with you.

Why We Hold Onto “They’ll Be Fine”

Parents usually don’t say it to dismiss their kids. They say it to survive their pain. The alternative, that our choices or circumstances might hurt our children, is heavy. But pain doesn’t vanish when we deny it. It resurfaces later, often in ways we don’t expect. 

My mom probably didn’t know. It was the 1970s, and back then, people assumed divorce was just between the adults and that kids would simply bounce back. She did her best with what she had, and I hold a lot of compassion for what she went through without much support. 

But today, we know better. The effects are real. It’s time to let go of the shortcut phrases, “kids are resilient,” “they’ll bounce back,” as ways to comfort ourselves. Research is clear: resilience isn’t automatic. Children don’t just bounce back from divorce, especially in high-conflict situations. Resilience has to be nurtured through emotional safety, consistency, and support. 

The hopeful part? Research also shows that most children can and do turn out well when they have even one supportive parent who shows up consistently and provides a secure base. One safe, steady relationship can be enough to anchor them and foster resilience. 

Children deserve more than survival; they deserve healing. Resilience isn’t something they magically possess. It’s something we help them build. And the first step is awareness: not assuming they’ll be fine, but committing to helping them become so. 

References 

  • Greenberg, J., Solomon, S., & Pyszczynski, T. (1997). Terror management theory of self-esteem and cultural worldviews: Empirical assessments and conceptual refinements. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 29, 61–139.
  • https://doi.org/10.1016/S0065-2601(08)60016-9 
  • Masten, A. S. (2001). Ordinary magic: Resilience processes in development. American Psychologist, 56(3), 227–238. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.56.3.227

Disclaimer: This blog reflects my personal experiences and research. It is not a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or legal advice. If you or your children are struggling during or after divorce, please reach out to a qualified mental health professional for support.

Read more articles by Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand holds a rare university degree in Thanatology and a B.A. in Sociology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” coming out this October, and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. As a private counsellor and coach, Karen specialises in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. Having navigated her own high-conflict divorce, she is also the mother of two lovely daughters.

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Supporting Children Emotionally and Mentally During Family Transitions
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Supporting Children Emotionally and Mentally During Family Transitions

Published on
Noel McDermott
Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

Mental health expert Noel McDermott examines what our children need through periods of transition; it’s first important to understand what we mean psychologically by a transition. A transition isn’t just a change of something, it is a change that requires an emotional adjustment. To some extent this type of change, a transition, is mediated by age and experience, but there are also some types of change that require an insight into transition, or adjustment needs, for all of us and especially kids. Transition needs affect humans in general and are linked to deep needs we have connected to survival mechanisms. These transition issues generally fall into 3 categories often called central life circumstances:

  1. Home – place of safety and survival
  2. Love relations – family, close friends, romantic partner
  3. Work – meaningful productive activity that is social and has survival outcomes (school, workplace, university)

Changes to these areas will likely produce transitional phenomena which are behavioural and emotional disturbances that might see A) a reversion to previous coping mechanisms (regression) or B) the development of new coping mechanisms (adaptations.) Typically coping mechanisms are designed to manage distress and some will be fine and some might be upsetting or even destructive. Types of coping mechanisms or soothing mechanisms in younger kids that we accept as normal might be:

  • Being clinging
  • Being grizzly emotionally
  • Thumb sucking, return to pacifier
  • Holding on to ‘blankie’

If age appropriate we don’t notice these and assume correctly they will grow out of it, but when they are a little older and we see these behaviours suddenly emerge again, which they can and do through transitions, we might get worried. But, regression is normal when the three central life circumstances are affected as are adaptions. The key question is are they doing something to help? Adaptations in particular may be unhelpful or what we call ‘maladaptive’. Examples might be aggression, self harming, substance misuse, excessive drinking. These might seem extreme but often they might emerge over time. More subtle forms of expressing distress in children in particular would be sleep disturbances, changes on mood, appetite, withdrawal etc.

The question is how do we reduce the risk of disturbance during transition and when it does emerge help our kids and ourselves manage it? These are some key ideas to utilise:

Normalisation – knowing and accepting that transitions can be upsetting allows us to normalise and explain to ourselves and our children what is happening. Often it’s the magnification or catastrophising of the behaviours that is the problem. When we can say, ‘oh this is normal’ during times of change we can manage things better

PPP – plan, prepare and practice. Plan: If you know the change is coming discuss it before it happens, if it’s a big change start the discussions early, some months before. Prepare: Get folk on board with organising the practicalities which facilitates normalisation, discussion and empowerment. Practice: If say moving home, go visit the new place or area. Stay there if possible for a night or two before moving etc. Build an emotional ‘on ramp’ that allows the reality of the change to be grown into, as opposed to an emotional cliff edge where you all fall off and smash into the rocks of the new reality below

Increase soothing and support for all before during and after the change. More movie nights on the sofa, more self care, more massages, more spa days, more friends and fun, more family meets and openness about feelings, tell the school, work and all support networks about the transition and ask for understanding

Refocus on the four corners of health and wellbeing:

  1. Nutrition (hydration) – eat well and regularly (in between the movie night binges of course!)
  2. Sleep and rest regularly
  3. Get moving and exercise
  4. Manage stress with relaxation, massage, meditation

Often adapting these approaches will not only take the sting out, but it will also mean you have no discernible negative transition issues. Or if you do have them, they are less intense and of shorter duration. If there is a history in your children or yourself of mental health issues, eating disorders, addiction etc then it is super important to focus on support and also developing individual plans for those involved around relapse prevention; for example should a mental health professional be brought in to help, should medication be used prophylactically to reduce the risk of relapse?

Read more articles by Noel McDermott.

About Noel McDermott

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

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