coping and dealing with divorce

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Healing After Divorce or Separation: Practical Steps to Rebuild, Recover and Move Forward

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Sanjay Solanki
Sanjay Solanki
Divorce & Family Law Solicitor
Woolley & Co Solicitors

Divorce and separation is often described as that feeling of having the ground shifted from right beneath your feet.

The emotional impact of a relationship ending can be profound. Those feelings of grief, anger, guilt and anxiety often get entangled making it difficult to process emotions.

In this article, I am going to explore what practical steps to consider to protect your own wellbeing when faced with raw emotions following a separation.

There is no quick fix or one-size-fits-all solution to recovering from a divorce.

When a relationship ends, it is more than just losing a partner. For the individual, they have to juggle, picking up the pieces and carrying on with what life has to throw. Meanwhile, the individual needs to find time to deal with the uncertainty of what comes next.

After a separation, the family dynamics change, and you lose a sense of identity. A big concern is personal finances and affordability around financial obligations.

It is not uncommon to experience:

  • Loneliness and social isolation.
  • Reduced self-esteem and confidence.
  • Stress associated with making arrangements regarding the finances and parenting.

Healing is rarely a straight line. You may find some days are better than others. One day you may feel positive and hopeful, the other, you may experience feelings of overwhelm and confusion.

Practical strategies for healing and moving forward

1. Do not ignore your emotions

It is natural to feel:

  • Disappointment
  • Loss
  • Anger
  • Fear
  • Sadness
  • Grief

Give yourself time. Healing takes time and as part of your journey it is important to acknowledge your emotions and not suppress them.

It can help to:

  • Keep a journal of how you are feeling.
  • Consider an activity, hobbie or exercise that you enjoy and will help you to feel calm and relaxed. For some individuals, they may consider swimming, meditation, yoga or walking.

2. Do not forget who you are

It is important you focus on your needs, concerns and priorities and remember your routine.

It is ok to make time for:

  • Your mental and physical wellbeing.
  • Your own personal finances.
  • Your responsibilities as a parent.
  • Your personal development.

It is important to take small steps to avoid becoming stressed and overwhelmed

3. Reflect on where you are and where you want to be

This is your opportunity to give yourself time and space and rediscover. A separation often forces people to let go of plans they once held. Ask yourself:

  • What do I want my life to look like in one year?
  • What goals have I put on hold?
  • What brings me fulfilment and purpose?

You should not feel guilty about this. It is ok to give yourself permission to explore. Any interest you have or, any commitment you show, can help you to build emotional resilience. It may help to keep a list.

4. Stand tall

You should not feel bad or guilty for putting yourself first. It matters that you make time to:

  • Go for a walk.
  • Practice mindfulness.
  • Read a book.
  • Spend time outdoors.

Looking after yourself has health benefits and it can help to reduce stress and improve your emotional and mental wellbeing.

5. Be kind to yourself

Healing takes time. It is important that you avoid comparing your journey to others. Equally, it is important you do not judge yourself for things that have not gone as planned.

Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer to someone else facing similar circumstances.

6. Create a support network

Strong emotions can cloud judgement and so it is important not to make major decisions. You do not have to deal with everything alone. You deserve support and this can come in many forms, including:

  • Family and friends.
  • Professional counselling and therapy.
  • Support groups.
  • Legal professionals.
  • Financial professionals.

Seek professional advice when required to discuss important decisions.

Supporting your children

If children are involved, they may be experiencing uncertainty, sadness and confusion. Children often cope better when both parents:

  • Reassure children that they are loved.
  • Avoid conflict in front of them.
  • Maintain consistency where possible.
  • Encourage them to express their feelings.

It helps if parents have open and age-appropriate communication.

Life after

Divorce and separation can be among life’s most challenging experiences, but it does not have to define your future.

There is no right time frame for healing. With the right support, practical coping strategies and patience, it is possible to find strength, be more self-aware and resilient than before. Healing is not about forgetting the past. It is about learning from it, accepting it and creating space for new opportunities, healthier relationships and renewed happiness.

About Sanjay Solanki

Sanjay Solanki is a family solicitor with Woolley & Co, Solicitors. Based in Solihull, he advises clients on all aspects of family law, including divorce, financial settlements and arrangements for children. Sanjay is a trained family mediator and is committed to helping clients resolve disputes in a constructive and practical way wherever possible. With experience gained at several respected regional law firms, he is known for his calm, supportive approach and for helping clients navigate complex and emotionally challenging situations with clarity and confidence. Sanjay specialises in divorce, financial remedy matters involving property, pensions and business interests, and children disputes, providing clear, pragmatic advice tailored to each client’s circumstances.

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Managing Grief and Loss and Emotional Recovery
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Managing Grief and Loss and Emotional Recovery

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Noel McDermott
Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

Humans are attachment making animals, we form loving bonds with each other that have deep consequences for us. They shape us literally at the biological level. The hormones involved in feelings of love and happiness with each other encourage myelination in the brains, whereby physical structures are formed in the brain. We use the term ‘personality’ as a shorthand for the sum total of these interactions. When a baby is born these loving interactions form the basis of brain health and personality health. Neglected babies have literal holes in the frontal lobes where brain matter is lost. Without this frontal lobe development, the capacity to think, regulate etc are severely compromised. This process is lifelong and crucially our attachments form the basis of our ability to regulate, think, operate in the complex social web of life. The longer we have had a relationship the deeper the impact is on personality and functioning. Although this is about loving relationships myelination also happens with stress-fear based relationships and what follows about loss is equally true.

Loss in this view then, is loss of self as represented in the real, social world. It is the loss of the ongoing capacity to regulate, make sense and meaning of reality, to frame experience in a way that makes it safe (predictable, as in better the devil you know in stress based intimate relationships.) This loss of meaning is frightening and we can’t turn to the person we have lost to help us regulate that fear. For these reasons we can feel the loss of a partner in divorce for example in a complex and confusing manner, particularly if we wanted the divorce, because why would we grieve ending a relationship we didn’t want anymore?

Understanding that loss and grief is our brain and personality trying to heal from a type of injury can help us make sense of this. The brain, our personality or self is primarily a social or environmental phenomena from this view. Loss is an injury to its wellbeing, to its health. So, we need to focus on that in healing that injury.

Loss of a partner to divorce is no different to any other loss and the social framing of it shouldn’t get in the way of the deeper level of understanding. So what helps?

  • Develop meaning in the world again. Much spiritual and or religious practice is based on meaning making so you may find comfort in that. If you are secular, think of helping others. As social animals any activity we engage with that helps the ‘herd’ helps us. There is always someone worse of then oneself and helping them will A) help them and make the world a better place and B) help us to get a sense of perspective and feel connected to something other than our own suffering

  • Increase contact with loving network and fill that hole in the brain with others to help us regulate

  • Stay away from alcohol and drugs. Temporary relief from these chemicals which can and do hijack neurological pathways is too dangerous at times of distress. Emotional distress is a sign you need a hug not a glass of wine

  • You have had a major injury, what would you do with any recovery from a major injury? Correct: rest, slow down, seek help, eat well, hydrate, sleep, show compassion to yourself

  • Normalise your reactions. There is nothing wrong because you are healing from a psychological injury. It is to be expected. Not being able to feel loss and grief (the signs you are healing) would be more worrying. It’s okay to not be okay

It’s worth reflecting upon the healing impact of nature during times of loss. Its impact is so strong that it’s worth developing it as a unique strand of your recovery. Nature has an impact on our brains similar to mindful meditation, which is well researched to help our bodies and brains heal. Nature increases our sense of connection to each other and our feeling of wellbeing. Nature in this context does not mean out in the wilds, it can be that, but equally can be your local park or indeed a bit of gardening. It is well researched for example that putting a park in an urban area reduces violent crime in that area by up to 20%. This is due to the sense of connection and wellbeing fostered. Therapeutic horticulture (gardening) is also well researched in psychological recovery. The impact of nature is so strong that simply taking time to pass attention to a tree at your bus stop on the way to work will produce a noticeable effect. So go hug a tree and say thanks!

Finally, it’s always a good idea to check in with a mental health professional or your GP if you are worried about how you are coping. If you have a history of psychological distress, you may well need extra help such as anti-depressants. Mostly you will be met with empathy and emotional support from the professionals who can reassure you nothing is wrong, but you never know, so it’s always good to check.

Read more articles by Noel McDermott.

About Noel McDermott

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

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The Digital Divorce: The Breakup Nobody Prepares You For

The Digital Divorce: The Breakup Nobody Prepares You For

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Monika Braglewicz
Monika Braglewicz
Breakup and Divorce Coach
Coach With Monika

When people think about divorce, they usually picture the obvious milestones.

Finding somewhere new to live, speaking to a solicitor, working out finances, telling family and friends, learning how to co-parent. What they don’t picture is sitting alone at 11pm, scrolling through every app on their phone, quietly scrolling through years of shared digital life.

Yet for many people, that’s exactly what happens. I call it the digital divorce.

It’s the process of separating your online life from someone else’s. Removing them from shared accounts, changing passwords, updating emergency contacts, deciding what to do with thousands of photos.

These might sound like small jobs, but they often carry much more emotional weight than people expect.

It’s a part of separation that very few people talk about, despite the fact it’s becoming something almost everyone experiences.

When your phone won’t let you move on

Years ago, reminders of a relationship were mostly physical. A jumper left in the wardrobe, a wedding photo on the mantelpiece, a favourite restaurant you avoided for a while.

Today, our relationships exist just as much online as they do offline. Your ex might still be saved as “Home” in your Uber account.

Google Photos might decide today is the perfect day to remind you about a holiday you took together three years ago. Spotify is still asking whether you want to continue your Duo subscription. Your phone still autofills their address.

None of these things are big on their own. But together, they create a constant stream of unexpected reminders that can make it much harder to move on.

Why social media makes letting go harder

Then there’s social media. For many people, resisting the temptation to look at an ex-partner’s profile becomes one of the hardest parts of healing.

Research suggests between 60% and 70% of people admit checking an ex’s social media after a breakup, while some academic studies have found the figure could be as high as 88%. Psychologists often refer to this behaviour as digital surveillance or attachment monitoring, and research has consistently linked it with higher emotional distress and greater difficulty moving on.

It isn’t because people necessarily want their relationship back.

Sometimes they’re simply curious, sometimes they’re looking for reassurance they’ve made the right decision, sometimes they’re hoping to see signs that the other person isn’t coping either.

Whatever the reason, those quick checks often keep people emotionally connected to someone they’re trying to let go of. As a divorce coach, I hear clients describe this all the time.

They know looking isn’t helping them, but the urge can feel almost automatic. One look turns into five minutes. Five minutes turns into an evening spent analysing photographs, comments and who’s liked whose posts. It’s exhausting.

Healing isn’t just emotional anymore

One of the biggest changes I’ve noticed over the years is that healing after divorce isn’t only about processing emotions anymore.

It’s also about managing technology. Something as simple as changing your emergency contact can suddenly become emotional.

Removing someone from your medical records, taking them off your insurance policy or deleting them as your next of kin isn’t just administration. It’s another sign that your life has changed.

Even deciding what to do with old photographs can feel impossible. Some people want to delete everything immediately. Others can’t bear the thought of losing those memories, even though they know looking at them hurts. Neither response is wrong.

The important thing is recognising that these aren’t simply digital tasks. They’re emotional milestones, and they deserve the same patience and compassion you would give yourself in any other part of the divorce process.

Give yourself permission to do it step by step

One mistake people often make is believing they have to sort everything out in one weekend. In reality, the digital divorce can happen in stages.

Start with the practical things that protect your independence and security.

Change passwords, update emergency contacts, remove shared payment methods, review which apps still have access to your location or personal information.

Those changes aren’t about erasing someone from your life. They’re about creating healthy boundaries.

The more emotional tasks like deleting photographs can wait until you’re ready.

Creating space for what’s next

One of the ways I encourage clients to think about the digital divorce is this:

You’re not deleting your past, you’re creating space for your future.

Every account you separate, every password you update, they’re all small reminders that you’re rebuilding your own life.

That doesn’t diminish the relationship or pretend it never mattered, it just acknowledges that you’re making room for new routines, new memories and eventually, a new chapter.

You’re not the only one experiencing this

The hardest part about the digital divorce is that so many people go through it without realising it has a name.

Friends prepare you for the legal process. They prepare you for mediation, they prepare you for financial settlements.

Very few prepare you for the moment your phone unexpectedly reminds you of an anniversary you’d forgotten, or when Spotify asks whether you’d like to continue sharing your subscription.

These moments can feel surprisingly painful because they arrive without warning.

If you’ve found yourself caught off guard by something as simple as updating an app or seeing an old photograph appear on your screen, you’re not overreacting.

You’re experiencing a very modern part of separation that many people quietly struggle through. Healing today isn’t just about letting go emotionally. Sometimes it’s about gently logging out of the life you once shared, one password, one app and one small digital thread at a time.

About Monika Braglewicz

Monika is an accredited breakup and divorce coach who helps people navigate relationship change with clarity, confidence and compassion. Having overcome divorce, financial hardship and homelessness herself, she combines lived experience with professional coaching to support clients through separation, co-parenting, heartbreak and life after divorce, helping them rebuild with resilience and purpose.

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Who Are You After Divorce?

Who Are You After Divorce?

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Sarah-Jayne Covell
Sarah-Jayne Covell
Integrative Psychotherapist & Founder Anchoring Therapy

Understanding the Loss of Identity After Separation

When people talk about divorce, they usually talk about the obvious things.

The legal process. The finances. The family home. The children. The practicalities of untangling a life that has become deeply intertwined with someone else’s.

Those things are undeniably difficult, but after many years of working with people experiencing relationship breakdown, I’ve become increasingly aware that one of the hardest parts of divorce often receives very little attention. 

It’s the moment someone quietly asks, “I don’t actually know who I am anymore.”

It rarely comes in the first few weeks. In those early days, there is usually too much to do. Solicitors need replying to, forms need completing, children need reassuring, friends want updates, and life somehow keeps moving even when you feel as though you’ve been knocked sideways.

It often arrives later, sometimes months later. The paperwork has been signed, routines have started to settle and, for the first time, there is enough silence to notice something feels different.

Not just around you, but within you.

More Than the End of a Relationship

For many people, divorce isn’t simply the end of a marriage. It’s the end of a version of themselves.

We rarely notice how much of our identity becomes wrapped up in being part of a couple until that identity changes.

We stop saying “I” and naturally begin saying “we”. Decisions are shared. Weekends develop familiar routines. Friends know us together. Family celebrations revolve around the same traditions year after year. Without really noticing, our relationship just becomes part of the way we understand ourselves.

Then, almost overnight, those reference points disappear.

One client described standing in the supermarket looking at a ready meal and realising she had absolutely no idea what she liked to eat anymore. It wasn’t really about the food. For years she had shopped for two people, always considering someone else’s preferences alongside her own. Faced with a simple choice, she suddenly realised she had forgotten to ask herself what she wanted. 

It sounds like such a small moment; in reality, it wasn’t small at all. It was one of the first signs that she was beginning to meet herself again.

When the Legal Process Ends

One of the things I often explain to clients is that the legal end of a marriage and the emotional end of a marriage rarely happen at the same time.

A decree absolute, a financial settlement or signed paperwork may bring certainty, but they don’t automatically answer the questions that continue afterwards.

Who am I if I’m no longer someone’s husband or wife? What happens to the plans we made? What do I do with the parts of myself that seem to have disappeared somewhere along the way?

These aren’t signs that someone is struggling to “move on”. In fact, feeling lost or unsure of yourself after a divorce is completely normal, and it’s something that many people experience. These emotions are a natural response to a significant life transition. Recognising that others share these feelings can be reassuring and is an important step in being gentle with yourself as you navigate this new chapter.

Our closest relationships help shape how we see ourselves. When those relationships change, it’s hardly surprising that our sense of identity needs time to adjust as well.

Becoming, Rather Than Returning

One question often sits quietly beneath many conversations I have with clients. “How do I get back to who I used to be? 

I don’t think that’s the most helpful question. The person you were at twenty-five, thirty-five or fifty existed because of every experience you’d had up until that point, including the relationship that has now ended.

Perhaps the more interesting question is, “Who am I becoming now?”

That doesn’t mean pretending divorce is a positive experience or suggesting everything happens for a reason. Most people would never have chosen this path.

But alongside the grief, many people slowly rediscover parts of themselves that had become almost invisible.

They take up hobbies they hadn’t thought about for years. Another client, who decided to try pottery after seeing a local class advertised. At first, she admitted she felt awkward and out of place, but soon realised how much she enjoyed working with her hands and letting herself learn something completely new. For her, every bowl she shaped was a quiet reminder that she could create something for herself, by herself. Others make decisions without second-guessing themselves. They discover they enjoy their own company. They begin to imagine a future that isn’t simply a replacement for the one they lost, but something entirely new.

That doesn’t happen in one defining moment; it’s usually much quieter than that. It happens in ordinary moments that gradually begin to feel like your own again.

That may be why identity after divorce isn’t really about finding yourself. It’s about noticing that, little by little, you’re becoming someone you haven’t met before.

If you are on this path right now, remember that even on the hardest days, growth is possible. Take things one step at a time and allow yourself patience. Support is available, and reaching out to others can make a real difference. In time, new possibilities may emerge, and you may be surprised by the strength and hope you discover within yourself.

Read more articles by Sarah-Jane Covell.

About Sarah-Jane Covell

Sarah-Jane Covell is an integrative psychotherapist based in North Yorkshire. She works with individuals and couples navigating life transitions, relationships and divorce. She is the author of When We Becomes Me: A Psychotherapist’s Guide to the Beginning, the Messy Middle, and the Other Side of Divorce. Feature: The Daily Wellness “Quiet Rebuilding Work,” “When We Becomes Me.” Counselling Directory: “Divorce and the loss of identity,”  “How music can help us process difficult emotions.”  The Daily Wellness: “Who are you after divorce.” 

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Divorce Doesn't End a Marriage. It Ends a Chapter.

Divorce Doesn’t End a Marriage. It Ends a Chapter.

Published on
Susan Harwood
Susan Harwood
Chartered Legal Executive Litigator
Woolley & Co Solicitors

When people first contact a family lawyer, they often think they are coming for legal advice.

In reality, they are usually bringing far more than that.

Behind every discussion about finances, children or property is a person trying to make sense of one of the biggest transitions of their life. Some arrive angry, some frightened, some relieved. Many feel all three emotions within the same conversation.

After many years working in family law, I’ve learned that whilst the legal process is important, it is rarely the hardest part. The emotional journey often presents the greatest challenge.

Divorce is a loss, even when it’s the right decision

People often feel guilty for grieving a relationship they chose to leave.

But divorce represents the loss of far more than a marriage. It can mean the loss of certainty, shared dreams, family traditions, financial security, identity and the future you once imagined.

Grief is therefore a perfectly normal response.

Like any form of grief, it rarely follows a straight line. Some days bring optimism and relief; others bring sadness, anger or fear. Experiencing these emotions does not mean you are moving backwards, it simply means you are healing.

You don’t have to be at your best

Clients frequently apologise for crying during our initial consultation.

They tell me they “should be coping better” or that they feel embarrassed for becoming emotional.

The truth is that divorce places people under enormous psychological pressure. Alongside practical decisions, they may also be experiencing poor sleep, heightened anxiety, financial uncertainty and concern for their children.

No one makes their best decisions whilst living in a constant state of stress.

One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself during divorce is permission not to have everything figured out immediately.

Strong decisions come from calm minds

As lawyers, we often encourage clients not to make important decisions whilst emotions are running high.
This is not because feelings are unimportant. Quite the opposite.

When emotions are acknowledged rather than ignored, people are generally better able to think clearly, negotiate constructively and focus on long-term solutions rather than short-term reactions.

Sometimes the most productive thing a client can do isn’t send another email to their solicitor.

Sometimes it’s taking a walk, speaking with a trusted friend, seeing a counsellor, or simply sleeping on a difficult decision before responding.

Those small pauses can prevent costly conflict and help everyone move forward more constructively.

Children don’t need perfect parents

One of the greatest worries parents express is, “How do I stop this affecting my children?”

While every family is different, research consistently tells us that children cope best when they feel safe, loved and protected from adult conflict.

Parents cannot remove every sadness from a child’s experience.

What they can do is offer consistency, reassurance and permission for children to express their feelings without feeling caught between two people they love.

Children are remarkably resilient when they know that both parents continue to put their needs first.

Your relationship has ended. Your value has not.

Divorce has a way of making people question who they are.

People who have spent decades as someone’s husband or wife can suddenly wonder where they belong.

It is easy to confuse the end of a relationship with personal failure.

They are not the same thing.

Relationships end for countless reasons. The ending of a marriage says very little about your worth as a person.

In fact, many people later describe divorce not simply as an ending, but as the beginning of rediscovering themselves.

They reconnect with old friendships, find new interests, improve their health, pursue careers they had postponed or simply learn to enjoy their own company again.

While few people would choose divorce, many eventually recognise that they became stronger, more confident and more authentic because of what they learned through it.

Be kind to yourself

If you are currently navigating divorce, remember this:

  • You are not expected to have all the answers today.
  • You do not need to rush your healing.
  • Accept support where it is offered.
  • Surround yourself with people who help you feel calmer, not more conflicted.
  • Focus on the decisions that will still feel right in five years’ time, rather than the emotions that feel overwhelming today.
  • Above all, remember that divorce is one chapter of your life, not the whole story.

I’ve sat on both sides of the desk

Although I write as a family lawyer, I also write from personal experience.

I have been married twice, divorced twice and have raised my children largely as a single parent and gained my legal qualification as a mature student. Like many of my clients, I have experienced the uncertainty, financial pressures, self-doubt and emotional upheaval that separation can bring. I know what it feels like to question whether life will ever feel settled again, and I also know that, with time, it can.

That lived experience has profoundly shaped the way I practise. I understand that when a client sits opposite me, they are rarely looking solely for legal advice. They are often carrying grief, fear for their children’s future, anxiety about finances and uncertainty about what comes next. Whilst my role is to provide clear legal guidance, I never lose sight of the fact that behind every case is a person trying to rebuild their life.

Perhaps that is why I believe that family law is, at its heart, about people rather than paperwork. The legal process matters enormously, but how clients are supported through that process can make just as much difference to the way they emerge on the other side.

With time, support and compassion, it is entirely possible to build a future that feels peaceful, hopeful and fulfilling once again.

Read more articles by Susan Harwood.

Read more articles by Woolley & Co Solicitors.

About Susan Harwood

Susan Harwood is a chartered legal executive litigator with Woolley & Co, Solicitors. Based in Helston, Cornwall, she advises clients across the South West, London and internationally on all aspects of family law. With more than 20 years’ experience in family law, Susan specialises in divorce, financial settlements and children matters, with particular expertise in resolving the financial aspects of relationship breakdown. She is especially well known for advising Armed Forces personnel and expatriate clients, and is recognised for her practical, empathetic approach and commitment to resolving disputes constructively wherever possible.

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Managing Conflict and Stress During Divorce and Financial Remedy Proceedings

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Katie Lowe
Partner in the Family Team
JMW Solicitors LLP

Katie Lowe, Partner in the JMW family team, examines how individuals can manage conflict and stress during divorce and financial remedy proceedings, with practical guidance for navigating the process calmly and confidently.

Divorce is rarely just a legal process. For many people, it is one of the most emotionally demanding periods of their lives, involving uncertainty about children, finances and the future. Even where both people want to resolve matters sensibly, the pressure of divorce and financial remedy proceedings can make communication difficult and conflict harder to avoid.

As a family lawyer, I often meet people at a point when they feel overwhelmed, exhausted or unsure how to move forward. That is completely understandable. Divorce involves important decisions, and those decisions are often being made at a time when emotions are high, and trust may have broken down. The aim is not to remove every difficult feeling from the process, but to manage the pressure and make informed choices.

Understand what is within your control

One of the most stressful aspects of divorce is feeling that events are happening to you and are out of your control. You may not be able to determine how your former partner behaves or whether they approach matters constructively. You can, however, shape how you prepare and the advice you take before making decisions.

It can help to separate issues into two categories: what needs a legal response and what is an emotional trigger. Not every message requires an immediate reply. Not every disagreement needs to become a battle. Taking advice early can give you a clearer sense of which issues genuinely matter to your long-term position, and which may be better not engaged with at all.

Keep communication calm, brief and purposeful

During divorce, communication can quickly become emotionally charged, particularly where there are unresolved issues or concerns about money or children. Where possible, try to keep written communication calm, brief and focused. Long explanations or repeated messages often increase tension rather than resolve it.

Before sending a message, it can be useful to pause and ask: what outcome am I trying to achieve? If the purpose is to confirm a date, request information or agree a practical arrangement, keep the message limited to that issue. If the topic is sensitive or likely to escalate, speak to your solicitor about whether communication should go through lawyers or be managed in a more structured way.

Do not let financial remedy proceedings consume every part of your life

Financial remedy proceedings can feel particularly stressful, and it is natural to worry about the outcome, especially if the family finances are not straightforward, if there are complex assets structures or concerns about whether everything has been fully disclosed.

A practical way to reduce stress is to create a system. Keep documents in one place, make a note of questions as they arise, and avoid trying to review everything late at night or when you are already emotionally drained. Your legal team can help you understand what information is needed, why it matters and how it fits into the wider strategy.

Choose your support network carefully

Support from friends and family can be invaluable, but it is important to choose the right people to lean on. Well-meaning advice is not always helpful, particularly where it is based on someone else’s divorce or encourages you to take a more aggressive approach than your circumstances require.

Try to identify a small number of people who can listen without inflaming the situation. Counselling, coaching or therapeutic help can also sit alongside legal advice. A solicitor’s role is to guide you through the legal issues and strategy; emotional support can help you cope with the personal impact of the process and make decisions from a steadier place.

Be realistic about conflict, but do not assume court is inevitable

Some conflict is normal during divorce. Disagreement does not necessarily mean the case will end up in a contested court hearing. Many cases can be resolved through solicitor-led negotiation, mediation, or other forms of non-court dispute resolution. The right route will depend on several factors including the personalities involved, the level of trust, and whether there are any safeguarding concerns.

When narcissistic behaviour or coercive control is part of the picture

For some people, the stress of divorce is made significantly worse by patterns of narcissistic behaviour or coercive control. In these cases, the usual advice about communication and compromise may not be enough. A person who has used control within the relationship may continue to use the divorce process, finances or arrangements for children as a way to exert pressure.

Where this is happening, a more structured and strategic approach is often needed. That may include tighter boundaries around communication, careful record keeping, a clear plan for disclosure, consideration of protective orders where appropriate and legal advice that recognises the emotional and practical reality of dealing with controlling behaviour.

Protect your wellbeing alongside your legal position

Looking after yourself during divorce is not a distraction from the legal process. It is part of managing it well. Fatigue, anxiety and emotional overload can make it harder to process advice, respond proportionately and make decisions that serve your long-term interests.

Small, consistent steps can make a difference: keep some structure in your week, take breaks from emails and legal documents, avoid using social media as an outlet for frustration, and give yourself permission not to deal with every issue immediately. If you are struggling, seek professional emotional support. Divorce is a major life event, and you do not have to navigate it alone.

Practical tips for reducing conflict and stress

  • Pause before responding to difficult messages and avoid replying when you are angry, upset or tired.
  • Keep communication focused on practical issues rather than revisiting the history of the relationship.
  • Save important documents and correspondence in an organised way so you can access them easily when needed.
  • Take legal advice before making significant financial decisions or agreeing to proposals.
  • Set realistic expectations about timescales, especially where financial disclosure is complex.
  • Use professional support, including therapeutic or coaching support, where the emotional impact feels overwhelming.
  • Remember that being calm does not mean being passive; you can be measured and firm at the same time.

Final thoughts

Divorce and financial remedy proceedings can feel daunting, but the way the process is managed can make a significant difference. With the right advice, clear boundaries and appropriate support, it is possible to reduce unnecessary conflict and make decisions with greater confidence.

If you are contemplating divorce, already involved in financial remedy proceedings, or concerned about high-conflict behaviour, early specialist advice can help you understand your options and plan the next steps. JMW’s family law team supports clients with clear, compassionate and strategic advice tailored to their circumstances, helping them move through divorce with clarity and confidence.

About Katie Lowe

Katie Lowe is a Partner in JMW’s family law team, advising clients on all aspects of divorce, financial remedy proceedings and arrangements for children. Recommended by clients and recognised in the legal directories, Katie is known for her clear, strategic and compassionate approach. She has a niche specialism in cases involving narcissistic behaviour and coercive control, helping clients navigate high-conflict dynamics with confidence and care.

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Divorce Exposed My Coping Mechanisms

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Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

Divorce didn’t just break my heart. It exposed the ways I’d learned to survive when life fell apart.

Not straight away. In the beginning I was just getting through the days, doing what I needed to do to survive the shock of it all. But over time, when things quietened down a little, I started to see myself more clearly. The patterns underneath. The ways I was trying to manage something that felt unbearable.

One of the first things I saw was how quickly I turned on myself. I told myself stories about not being able to love properly, not being worth fighting for, not being able to succeed at family life. Not being lovable.

There was also a lot of denial. I didn’t want to look too closely at certain things. At one point I couldn’t fully take in that my ex husband was seeing someone almost immediately after we separated. That truth felt too sharp, too destabilising, so I softened it, told myself versions of events that hurt less to manage the pain.

I can see now that all of that was just me trying to cope with a devastating experience. I was trying to deal with something I didn’t have the capacity to feel all at once.

Alcohol was in the mix too. Nothing dramatic, just a way of taking the edge off at the end of a long week alone without my kids. It was a distraction from the emotional intensity I didn’t know how to sit with.

And then there was the pull towards a new relationship. The urge to not be alone. Not because I was ready to give myself to someone, but because loneliness after a long relationship can feel like physical pain. It creates a sense that something needs to be fixed immediately.

It took me years to understand that these were my coping strategies. At the time they just felt like survival. I didn’t have language for it then. I was just moving through it the best way I knew how.

It was only later, when things had settled a bit, that I could start to see the pattern clearly. And even then I didn’t rush the process of working through it. Some of it was too painful to look at head on, so I went slowly. Carefully. A bit at a time.

When you feel ready enough to look at your own coping mechanisms, you also start to see what you’ve been avoiding. For me, that was grief.

The actual grief of the marriage ending, of the future I thought I was going to have disappearing, of the parts of myself that had gotten lost and of the things that hadn’t turned out the way I wanted them to. Both during my marriage and in the rebuilding process after divorce.

I had spent a long time staying busy, staying distracted, staying in stories that made it easier to tolerate. But underneath that there was a lot of feeling I hadn’t really touched.

Eventually, I started to get curious instead of avoidant. I started to notice how quickly I reached for something to numb or escape discomfort.

I started to see how much energy went into not feeling what was actually there. And I started to understand that I couldn’t think my way out of it. I had to actually sit with it. Let it move through.

That’s where things started to change for the better. Slowly and steadily, I began to rebuild trust in myself. In my ability to stay with myself even when things felt overwhelming. Even when I was struggling and didn’t like what I was feeling.

I started to let go of some of the coping strategies that had helped me survive but weren’t helping me anymore, and I began building new ones. Ways of being with myself that didn’t rely on escape or numbing or rewriting reality to make it easier to tolerate.

Over time, that created space. Space for different thoughts and choices about where my life was heading. Some of them really surprised me, they weren’t what I thought I wanted when I was acting from avoidance and survival.

This is what divorce does. It exposes you. It shows you what you’ve been leaning on. It shows you how you’ve been getting through. And then, if you’re willing to look at it, it gives you the chance to start again from somewhere more honest.

Healing from divorce doesn’t unfold in a way that makes sense while you’re in it, but over time it becomes something else. A slow stripping back of old patterns. A slow return to yourself.

And even with all of the difficulty that comes with it, it’s a much more peaceful place to be.

Because once you can see the ways you’ve been coping, you no longer have to be ruled by them. You can stop running from your pain and begin sitting with it instead.

It’s not easy. In many ways, it’s harder. But it’s also where real healing begins. And while it may not lead to a perfect life, it leads to a more honest one. One with more peace, more choice, and a deeper connection to yourself.

Click here for more articles by Carol Madden

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

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How to Spot if Your Partner is a Narcissist
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How to Spot if Your Partner is a Narcissist

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Claire Chisnall
Claire Chisnall Senior Associate Consilia Legal

Abuse in a marriage or civil partnership can take many different forms, such as physical, sexual, financial and emotional. There are many types of emotional abuse, which are also often referred to as psychological abuse, and this is where the form of abuse is much more complex and can be due to one party having challenging personality traits such as narcissism.

Narcissism is often dismissed as a person being selfish, self-centred or self-absorbed, but this form of abuse is much deeper than that, and how a person uses this to manipulate situations and emotions can develop over many years and can be particularly damaging for the person on the receiving end. It is important to point out that not everyone that behaves badly in a relationship is a narcissist, narcissism is much more than poor behaviour this is a pattern of troubling personality traits which we refer to further below. 

What is narcissism?

Fundamentally, narcissism is a mental health condition called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It is a form of emotional manipulation which can stem from deep-rooted insecurities and a lack of self-esteem but manifests itself in many different ways, and sometimes this is not deliberate or intentional on the part of the perpetrator. Hence, a narcissist may be unaware that they are causing emotional strain on their partner, but on the other hand, some narcissists are aware and use their personality disorder to cause emotional harm. The recipient of narcissistic behaviour can feel trapped and helpless because the primary motivation of a narcissist is to have control and to manipulate, whether this is intentional or not.  

Common signs of narcissistic behaviour

Although all narcissists will behave slightly differently, and of course every relationship is different, there are common traits that you may be able to identify as narcissistic behaviour:

  • A sense of self-importance and entitlement
  • Can’t show any empathy or compassion to you as a victim or any friends or family of yours
  • Generally charming to you initially but will often keep up a charming persona to others 
  • Showing excessive affection and wanting constant communications at the start of a relationship, often called love bombing
  • Being jealous and envious of other relationships you might have
  • Displaying arrogance as a form of low self-esteem
  • Preoccupied by status and wealth 
  • Can demonstrate aggressive tendencies as they can’t regulate their emotions properly
  • Very sensitive to criticism of themselves and can’t tolerate imperfections in other people
  • Prone to publicly humiliating you and making a joke out of it 
  • Can be controlling and very manipulative. 

A narcissist will present with more than one of the above traits, and there are differing levels of narcissistic traits, with some being far more challenging and potentially dangerous. There is generally a pattern of behaviour that develops over time which presents itself as a cycle, where one minute your partner can be loving and the next be very dismissive of you, creating a feeling of rejection resulting in you seeking validation from them. This cycle can be very damaging to your self-worth and self-esteem, especially if this been going on over a long period of time. 

How to identify that your partner is a narcissist

Living with a narcissist can be exhausting and it will feel like you are always questioning yourself. It can also result in you developing low self-esteem and this could manifest itself in stress and anxiety where you feel torn between being loyal to your partner and escaping the situation. It is therefore important that you recognise the narcissistic traits in your partner and act on them. Here we have listed typical scenarios you might recognise:

  • Is your partner always seeking praise and admiration from you or other people?
  • Does your partner act like rules or laws don’t apply to them and that they deserve special treatment? Do they feel untouchable, as if they can do no wrong?
  • Do they like to portray a very charming character in public, but you know this is false?
  • Are they unable to take criticism on board?
  • Do they refuse to take responsibility for their actions?
  • Do they become excessive with flattery, gifts and seek commitment early in a relationship? Or after a fall-out?
  • Are they capable of giving you the silent treatment and stonewalling you for hours? 
  • Do they always make themselves centre of a conversation and show open disinterest in talking about you? 
  • Do they make you feel like nothing you do will ever be good enough?
  • Are they incapable of recognising the needs of you or other people? 
  • Do they act impulsively for attention, and show a reckless disregard for the consequences? 
  • Do they try to gaslight you and twist situations, so you feel like you are always in the wrong?  

Some of these traits are common in a partner and can be dismissed as playful or the normal ups and downs of a relationship. But it is very easy for these behaviours to become excessive and for a pattern to form which becomes abusive behaviour. The objective of the narcissist is to have control and to manipulate situations and emotions for their own benefit, and whether this is intentional or not, it is a form of emotional abuse. 

How to deal with a narcissist

Because a narcissist is hypersensitive, you often find yourself treading on eggshells around them and this makes it difficult to discuss the behaviour with them, and in some cases could result in the abuse taking on another form. If you have concerns about the behaviour of your partner and wish to escape the situation, it is important to speak to family and friends and seek their support. There are numerous resources available for those being subjected to an abusive relationship, such as the Domestic Abuse National helpline. You should take professional advice from an experienced family law solicitor, who will explain what your rights are and how you should approach a divorce and separation, or dissolving a civil partnership, if that is the course of action you have chosen.

About Claire Chisnell

Claire Chisnall, Senior Associate in the Family Team at Consilia Legal. Claire is a highly experienced family lawyer with a broad background across all areas of family law and is recognised for securing excellent outcomes for her clients through her calm, pragmatic approach.

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Our Relationship is Over: What Do I Do Now?
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Our Relationship is Over: What Do I Do Now?

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James Pirrie
James Pirrie
Director at
Family Law in Partnership

Let’s not sugar coat it, this question “what do I do now?” (at the moment you know you will separate) is the single most important question you will answer in this whole chapter of your life. There will be a lot of other questions that you will be coming to, but get this one right and you should be able to avoid the unreasonable positioning and exhausting demands of a slow process that will cost eye-watering amounts, to achieve to your best possible outcome.  

Here are my ten top tips from helping clients through this part of their lives for the past forty-something years.

1. Ensure you are safe 

Ensure your safety and the safety of your children.  If there is a risk to this then it will dictate how you address the rest of these tips.

Safety at the end of a relationship is a whole topic on its own and planning for it will depend on your situation.  In controlling relationships, it is likely that a whole range of strategies will have been put in place around you by your prospective ex, with the intention of making it impossible for you to go.  The single most important thing is to reach the realisation that yes you are going to leave – it is then about getting the support to manage your way out of the maze. If you need help to leave safely, there are amazing organisations that can help you manage a safe exit.  Everything follows from this.

2. Manage your emergencies

In the same way, some separations have emergencies – personal safety is the most important.  Others can include:

  • jurisdictional races (where one of you could start proceedings in a different country, you may need to act quickly to ensure your divorce takes place where your needs and those of the children will be met favourably)
  • a child being taken abroad to separate them from you (child abduction)
  • information or assets being hidden or disposed of 
  • your being isolated from funds.

Some of these you can address in part – or at least make easier – but many of them are going to require immediate professional help, probably from a solicitor.

The rest of the “to-dos” are subject to emergencies – sometimes you won’t have time to plan your best path, you will feel bounced around by circumstance. Just carry on trying your best, accepting where you are and planning from there. 

3. Consider couple counselling

If there are no safety concerns, this is a consideration that you should not skate past. I have worked for too many people who have said their ex has come back to them some years down the road saying “I got it wrong – I don’t know what I was thinking- is there a way back for us?”. For me that points to a missed opportunity for some serious conversation around what was not working in the relationship and each person’s capacity for change. Of course, the result may still be that you decide to separate, but talking things through a counsellor is also likely to reassure and make for better progress if you do decide to part. 

4. Be kind if you can

So often, perhaps when people come to me midway through, they seem to be in a terrible situation, which they are finding hard to understand. There might be brutality around disclosure or how the finances are being managed for the interim or how arrangements are being set around the children. It is all a bit destructive and aimless, which is a surprise as they’re decent people. So, what went wrong?  Well usually it is about how things started.  

Actions like deception and adultery matter (see my blog here on this very point) – perhaps not to the professionals who know the courts don’t care, but they really matter to the person being deceived and to their kids when they find out.  Brutal and sharp separations are like throwing a huge slab of concrete into a small pond – the splash and ripples are going to play havoc for a while and in unexpected ways.  Stepping out slowly and gently with empathy respect and understanding, can help everyone get through to the smart choices more quickly.

5. Start early

It follows that planning and starting early is usually a positive too, you can pace things more calmly. You don’t find yourself suddenly desperate that it all has to be sorted by the weekend. (That “I have just had it up to here” moment). It also means that you are less likely to be bounced into the “well I am leaving you” discussion at the worst of times in the heat of an argument.  These things are going to be tough and thinking about how to do it in the best way, in the calm, will pay dividends.

6. Get support

All of that is going to point towards you getting individual support.  So many  people say “I don’t need that fluffy stuff …” or “we are not getting back together”. But that is not what this is about. It is about understanding where your ex is and what they are going through. It is about helping you to think of this from their side to be able to move things on in the best way possible. It is tough.  It is practical. It is also short term and goal-oriented.

Find the right support and you will be challenged to do this well, but also supported to do so.  That’s why I recommend that you get professional support – not just support from your mates or family:

This is the other response to my recommendation of professional expertise is “well I am talking to my friends.” The problem with relying solely on friends and family is that:

  • They care too much and as such, are likely to operate like an echo chamber for you: they want to be supportive and are likely to tell you what they think you want to hear – which is not always what you need to hear
  • They may bring their own unresolved personal issues to the conversation and that is not helpful 
  • They don’t have the training to help you process everything in a constructive way 
  • Their advice is likely to be on the hoof, quick answers without the depth of consideration that is really needed
  • You may find yourself managing your choices to keep them satisfied.

Without meaning to cast aspersions on your inner circle, you are also sharing confidences with them which may well be shared with others. 

I could go on but in essence, therapists are likely to be the most valuable in monetary terms. Find the right one and use them.

7. Think and write

So you know you are going to need to get some advice and guidance (how else are you going to have the anchor of knowing your rights and obligations – how else would you recognise a good deal?). Lawyers charge by time and will read a well-organised briefing way quicker than they can ask questions and you answer them. Many firms will have an information gatherer on their website. If you want to get the most from your time with a lawyer and keep costs time, you would prepare:

  • A balance sheet of where you are now:
    •  who is in the family and who are the relatives and important other people in your lives
    • all the dates and details that are going to be needed such as when the relationship started, was formalised and ended
    • and yes those financial numbers all pinned down so far as known. 
    • In addition there will be descriptions of what is going on – what everyone is like; how are your children doing, pictures etc.  
  • An account of how you got here this is likely to take in your families of origin, education, careers, first homes, challenges and so on
  • And then the quick fire document for a first call: The super brief summary and a clear vision of what you want and what you think are the hurdles to getting there.

Indeed sometimes I think that this last piece of knowing what you are needing is the single most important piece of work that will be in your briefing for the next step.

8. Find the right professional

This can feel like a minefield. There are directories ranking legal professionals, but they may not be your best starting point.  What you are likely to want is that skilled professional whom you trust because they get you and their values resonate with yours, simple as that.  

When you are researching there will be lots of focus on who does what process and your head can spin with the terms likely to be coming at you:  negotiation/ collaborative/ co-operative/ one lawyer/ together/ amicable/ litigation/ mediation/ child inclusion/ hybrid/ integrative, but that shouldn’t be your worry: Your job is to be clear about your needs (those hurdles you identified at stage 7), not the process (which is what the professional brings to accommodate them). It is the professional’s job to show that they have heard you and to explain their recommendation.  If you are convinced, you have the start of your plan. If you are not then say so – if you are not heard, you may not be in the right room so think about moving on now.  

It is why you might do well to choose a professional who is serious about all the different ways of doing things – it will ensure you are presented with all the options. Many lawyers will only have one qualification, permitting them to negotiate your case  with the court as a fall back and the court is the last place most people want to end up.  If your lawyer doesn’t know, isn’t familiar with and doesn’t use collaborative, mediation or arbitration  then just have in mind that these ways that might suit you better will probably not be on the menu for discussion.

9. Be brave …ish

Sitting down to talk with your ex may be absolutely the last thing you want to do, and of course you shouldn’t compromise safety, but for most people, a professionally assisted conversation with a neutral person (likely to be in mediation – but potentially “one lawyer”) is likely to be the fast route to finding the best solution. Your ex is likely to have a view of what they think the outcome should be and they are going to hang onto it until you can show that you have heard them. It is much harder to do this if your discussion is via letters and emails being fired between lawyers from their respective trenches a seeming “safe” distance away from each other.

The right mediator will help you both to manage a safe and productive conversation even in difficult situations. There would be an assessment and  intake process (called “a MIAM”, standing for Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting) when you can gather an understanding of what mediation would be like and talk through whether it is for you. In fact, you are required in most situations to have this meeting even if you wanted ultimately to go to court and I would encourage you to enter this meeting with an open mind as there is a lot of flexibility in mediation and other processes which may mean they are better for you.

10. Think kids

So obvious you may say it didn’t need saying. Where you have children, they are likely to be the lens through which all of this is viewed, you will consider your children:

  • when you take steps to start
  • in how you manage the relationship with your ex (because you are usually going to be co-parenting long term so you will not want to lay waste to how you talk to each other)
  • in the choices you make (for example the geography of your homes and family-friendly career-choices)
  • in the timing of any new relationship
  • in how you work out care and decision making: your children are part of each of you, they need safe arrangements to have a relationship with each of you if possible – and ideally each of you supporting the other to be the best parent you can be.

There is a lot to consider and it is all too easy to delay. But whether this relationship is your future or not is for you to decide and in your heart you will know the answer to that (especially if you have been through tip 3).  

If this relationship is not working and can’t be made to work, it is unlikely to be the best example of “adult relationships” for your kids, but beyond this, please don’t become that person I see so regularly who says “now I know about it all, I should have done this a decade ago, it would have been better for everyone.”

Read more articles by James Pirrie.

Read more articles by Family Law in Partnership.

About James Pirrie

James Pirrie is a Director of Family Law in Partnership, a highly regarded law firm based in London, which specialises in de-escalating conflict in family law.  He is an Arbitrator, Family Solicitor and Mediator accredited in child-inclusive mediation.

James is driven to improve long term outcomes for families who are experiencing separation or divorce.  He is credited with introducing collaborative law to the UK and with changing how children’s needs are addressed during family breakdown through the Parenting after Parting initiative.

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Emotional Readiness and Co-Parenting: Why You Shouldn’t Rush Up a Mountain
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Emotional Readiness and Co-Parenting: Why You Shouldn’t Rush Up a Mountain

Published on
Jimi Odell
Jimi Odell
Content manager
OnePlusOne

Between the day you decide to separate and the day you finally feel settled in your new co-parenting life, there is a mountain to climb. It can be daunting and you may not feel ready to take that first step but, when children are involved, you know you’re going to have to start climbing at some point.

Emotional readiness is a key factor in how well you’ll fare on your climb. During a separation, your emotional wellbeing can take a big hit, and it’s normal to experience a range of strong emotions. If you stumble into making co-parenting arrangements while these emotions are still running wild, it can be like trying to climb with no pack, no plan, and no shoes on your feet.

It’s a different mountain for everyone, so nobody can tell you exactly which path to follow, or how long it’s going to take. Some will find it’s a steady climb with their ex-partner alongside them, and others may find themselves exhausted at base camp wondering where their ex has got to. But, even though nobody has climbed your mountain before, lots of people have climbed mountains – you can learn from their experiences, and even borrow their tools.

Emotional readiness is your ability to make effective co-parenting arrangements and handle disagreements with your ex-partner (Barlow et al., 2014).

A separation is a life-changing event and it’s very common to be dealing with a jumble of emotions that may include any combination of shame, guilt, anxiety, bitterness, anger, frustration, and more. There’s often a sense of failure or loss as you reshape your vision of the future and your understanding of the relationship. There are often positive emotions in the mix too – you may have a strong sense of relief or even hope for the future, and these can also affect the way you approach decisions.

Whatever you’re going through, all of these emotions can affect your judgement and your ability to make long-term practical decisions. At a time when you’re trying to figure out where you and your ex will live, and making important decisions about how your children will split their time, emotional readiness plays a huge part.

Emotional Readiness and Co-Parenting

When you are emotionally ready, you will be more likely to find a way through to making amicable agreements with your ex-partner. If you’re not emotionally ready, you may need support with things like communication to help you get through the next phase. Trying to make big decisions when you are not emotionally ready can actually make things worse in the long term, so it’s important to give yourself space to adjust (Barlow et al 2014).

You may find that it gets easier in time, but if you’ve already locked in your co-parenting arrangements, it can be difficult to go back and change things. Consider where you’re at right now, and where your ex-partner might be at, and try to factor that into how you make those arrangements. 

If you’re still feeling a lot of strong emotions, it might be better to make short- or medium-term arrangements for now, with a plan to reconvene when you are both feeling more settled. Having a written parenting plan can help you manage this, especially if you build in an agreement to review your plans and adjust them based on how they’ve been working. You might want to choose a time frame for this – say, three or six months, depending on what feels right for your family.

Emotional adjustment happens at different speeds for different people. As you climb your own personal mountain, it’s likely you’ll find that you and your ex don’t reach the summit at the same time. You may take completely different routes to get there. 

A big part of this comes down to which of you initiated the separation. If it was your idea to separate, you’ll have had much longer than your ex to get used to the idea. You’ve probably been making plans in the back of your mind for a while. If, on the other hand, it was your ex-partner’s idea to separate, you might still be in shock at the sudden change, with no idea about what you’re going to do next. It’ll take some time to accept things before you can even begin to make plans.

Whichever side of the mountain you’re on, try to be considerate to the idea that you and your ex-partner are having different experiences. You may need to be patient while your ex catches up, or accept that your ex is further along in the journey than you.

Measuring Emotional Readiness

You might already have a sense of your own emotional readiness, just based on how you feel, but there is an accurate and scientific way of measuring it. In 2020, a team of researchers published their findings about a test called the Emotional Adaptation to Relationship Dissolution Assessment (or EARDA for short). The ten-question test takes a measure of how you’re feeling in ten key emotional areas (Millings et al. 2020):

  • Shame
  • Guilt
  • Relief
  • Anxiety
  • Loss
  • Anger
  • Resentment
  • Frustration
  • Failure
  • Hope

Even just taking this test can be a useful process to help you reflect on how you are doing now, and whether anything is starting to shift. You can find this tool on OnePlusOne’s free co-parenting app, Separating better along with lots of support on how to deal with difficult emotions, talking to children, housing, finance, and more. There’s also a free parenting plan and a video course to help you work on your communication skills so that you can start to improve your emotional readiness.

Think of it as a set of climbing tools that you can put in your pocket and look at any time you feel stuck on the side of the mountain. The app is available for free at least until the end of January 2026.

About Jimi Odell

Jimi Odell is a writer who has specialised in parenting and relationships for over 15 years. He has worked with the charity OnePlusOne since 2014, creating evidence-based support and interventions to help people get on better. He is one of the creators behind the Separating better co-parenting app, a one-stop shop for separating parents which includes Behaviour Modelling Training videos to help co-parents learn conflict resolution and positive communication skills.

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"They'll Be Fine": Why Saying Kids are Resilient After Divorce Isn't the Whole Truth
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“They’ll Be Fine”: Why Saying Kids are Resilient After Divorce Isn’t the Whole Truth

Published on
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Co-Founder
Divorceworkshop

I went to a social worker as a teenager for over two years. And yes, it helped. I could finally talk about the horrendous things that happened to me growing up. But the truth? We only scratched the surface. The deeper wounds stayed buried. 

As a child of a high-conflict divorce, I didn’t realise how much the instability and constant tension were shaping me. On the outside, I looked like I was fine. Inside, I was just surviving. 

In my twenties, my mom gently pointed out that I seemed to overreact to little things. She was right. I felt edgy, overwhelmed, and ashamed of how easily I snapped. I had no idea what was going on with me. Was it my parents’ divorce and conflict? My father’s and stepmother’s toxic behavior toward my mom and me, and their need for control? Had this unstable and neglectful environment affected me so much? Yes, apparently it had. 

But here’s the thing: children don’t always show the effects of divorce right away. On the outside, I looked like I was managing. I went to school, had friends, did what I was “supposed” to do. I even made it to university, earned my first degree, and completed a post-grad programme. 

That’s what adults often see as resilience in kids during divorce: a child carrying on, coping, adapting. What’s harder to see is the cost of that coping. 

My story isn’t unique. Many children of divorce appear to be “fine” while silently carrying pain that surfaces years later. And that’s why I want to pause on the phrase we all hear, and sometimes even say ourselves: “Kids are resilient.”

Therapy and Understanding

Four and a half years of therapy later, I began to understand myself better. I wasn’t just “reactive.” I was having trauma responses. My nervous system had learned to survive chaos, and all the emotions I had stuffed away were finally demanding to be felt. 

That’s what unresolved childhood pain and anxiety look like. It doesn’t always surface immediately; it comes out later in our bodies, our emotions, and our relationships. 

And yet, through it all, I kept hearing the same refrain: “They’ll be fine. Kids bounce back”. 

The truth? Resilience doesn’t mean untouched. It doesn’t mean unaffected. It means that for some children, they survive, but survival can carry invisible scars that take years to heal. 

Why We Say It

If you’re a parent going through a separation or divorce, especially a high-conflict one, you’ve probably said it too: “ the kids will be okay,” or you really hope they will be. 

It slips out almost automatically, a way to calm the fear of not knowing how deeply this might be affecting your child. We don’t always say it because it’s true. We say it because we need it to be. 

And those messages don’t just come from inside us. They echo all around us, through friends, family, teachers, even strangers: 

  • “They’ll adjust.” 
  • “Kids are tough.” 
  • “My cousin’s kids turned out fine.”

Society, too, is uneasy with grief, conflict, and uncertainty. It feels safer to lean on comforting shortcuts than to sit with the reality that children might be struggling. That’s why “Kids are resilient” becomes our shield. 

A Psychological Shortcut

When I was studying for my thanatology degree, I learned about Terror Management Theory (TMT), sometimes explained more simply as the Anxiety Buffer Theory. The core idea is this: when painful truths feel unbearable, our minds cling to beliefs that make the world feel less threatening. 

Take divorce, for example. Parents often reassure themselves with, “They’ll adjust.” And while it’s true that children can adapt, this belief often functions as a protective shield for the parent. It eases guilt, fear, and shame about the impact divorce may have on their kids. The danger is that it can keep us from seeing what children really need: emotional safety, reassurance, and consistent support. 

We do this in other areas of life, too. Imagine hearing that a neighbour has been diagnosed with lung cancer. A common first response is, “Were they a smoker?” If the answer is yes, it reduces our anxiety; we can tell ourselves the illness was linked to a choice, which makes us feel safer. But if the answer is no, the truth feels scarier, because it reminds us that illness can strike anyone, even without warning. 

What If They’re Not Fine?

Divorce, especially high-conflict divorce, does affect children. It touches:

  • Their nervous system
  • Their sense of safety 
  • Their ability to trust 
  • Their beliefs about love and conflict 

Not every child shows it right away. Some hold it together because they think that’s their role. But holding it in doesn’t mean they’re okay. 

Resilience isn’t pretending nothing happened. It’s built through emotional safety, consistency, validation, and supportive relationships. 

What Children Need

If you’re navigating divorce, here’s how to support real resilience: 

  • Emotional Safety: Let them feel all their emotions, anger, sadness, relief, without trying to fix them. 
  • Consistency: Keep routines where you can. Predictability is grounding. 
  • Honest Reassurance: Remind them it’s not their fault. Tell them they’re loved. Explain what will stay the same. 
  • Permission to Love Both Parents (if safe): Kids should never feel like they have to choose sides. 
  • Therapeutic Support: Even short-term counseling can give children tools and language to process what’s happening. 

You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to show up, reflect, and let them know it’s safe to be real with you.

Why We Hold Onto “They’ll Be Fine”

Parents usually don’t say it to dismiss their kids. They say it to survive their pain. The alternative, that our choices or circumstances might hurt our children, is heavy. But pain doesn’t vanish when we deny it. It resurfaces later, often in ways we don’t expect. 

My mom probably didn’t know. It was the 1970s, and back then, people assumed divorce was just between the adults and that kids would simply bounce back. She did her best with what she had, and I hold a lot of compassion for what she went through without much support. 

But today, we know better. The effects are real. It’s time to let go of the shortcut phrases, “kids are resilient,” “they’ll bounce back,” as ways to comfort ourselves. Research is clear: resilience isn’t automatic. Children don’t just bounce back from divorce, especially in high-conflict situations. Resilience has to be nurtured through emotional safety, consistency, and support. 

The hopeful part? Research also shows that most children can and do turn out well when they have even one supportive parent who shows up consistently and provides a secure base. One safe, steady relationship can be enough to anchor them and foster resilience. 

Children deserve more than survival; they deserve healing. Resilience isn’t something they magically possess. It’s something we help them build. And the first step is awareness: not assuming they’ll be fine, but committing to helping them become so. 

References 

  • Greenberg, J., Solomon, S., & Pyszczynski, T. (1997). Terror management theory of self-esteem and cultural worldviews: Empirical assessments and conceptual refinements. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 29, 61–139.
  • https://doi.org/10.1016/S0065-2601(08)60016-9 
  • Masten, A. S. (2001). Ordinary magic: Resilience processes in development. American Psychologist, 56(3), 227–238. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.56.3.227

Disclaimer: This blog reflects my personal experiences and research. It is not a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or legal advice. If you or your children are struggling during or after divorce, please reach out to a qualified mental health professional for support.

Read more articles by Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand holds a rare university degree in Thanatology and a B.A. in Sociology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” coming out this October, and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. As a private counsellor and coach, Karen specialises in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. Having navigated her own high-conflict divorce, she is also the mother of two lovely daughters.

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Supporting Children Emotionally and Mentally During Family Transitions
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Supporting Children Emotionally and Mentally During Family Transitions

Published on
Noel McDermott
Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

Mental health expert Noel McDermott examines what our children need through periods of transition; it’s first important to understand what we mean psychologically by a transition. A transition isn’t just a change of something, it is a change that requires an emotional adjustment. To some extent this type of change, a transition, is mediated by age and experience, but there are also some types of change that require an insight into transition, or adjustment needs, for all of us and especially kids. Transition needs affect humans in general and are linked to deep needs we have connected to survival mechanisms. These transition issues generally fall into 3 categories often called central life circumstances:

  1. Home – place of safety and survival
  2. Love relations – family, close friends, romantic partner
  3. Work – meaningful productive activity that is social and has survival outcomes (school, workplace, university)

Changes to these areas will likely produce transitional phenomena which are behavioural and emotional disturbances that might see A) a reversion to previous coping mechanisms (regression) or B) the development of new coping mechanisms (adaptations.) Typically coping mechanisms are designed to manage distress and some will be fine and some might be upsetting or even destructive. Types of coping mechanisms or soothing mechanisms in younger kids that we accept as normal might be:

  • Being clinging
  • Being grizzly emotionally
  • Thumb sucking, return to pacifier
  • Holding on to ‘blankie’

If age appropriate we don’t notice these and assume correctly they will grow out of it, but when they are a little older and we see these behaviours suddenly emerge again, which they can and do through transitions, we might get worried. But, regression is normal when the three central life circumstances are affected as are adaptions. The key question is are they doing something to help? Adaptations in particular may be unhelpful or what we call ‘maladaptive’. Examples might be aggression, self harming, substance misuse, excessive drinking. These might seem extreme but often they might emerge over time. More subtle forms of expressing distress in children in particular would be sleep disturbances, changes on mood, appetite, withdrawal etc.

The question is how do we reduce the risk of disturbance during transition and when it does emerge help our kids and ourselves manage it? These are some key ideas to utilise:

Normalisation – knowing and accepting that transitions can be upsetting allows us to normalise and explain to ourselves and our children what is happening. Often it’s the magnification or catastrophising of the behaviours that is the problem. When we can say, ‘oh this is normal’ during times of change we can manage things better

PPP – plan, prepare and practice. Plan: If you know the change is coming discuss it before it happens, if it’s a big change start the discussions early, some months before. Prepare: Get folk on board with organising the practicalities which facilitates normalisation, discussion and empowerment. Practice: If say moving home, go visit the new place or area. Stay there if possible for a night or two before moving etc. Build an emotional ‘on ramp’ that allows the reality of the change to be grown into, as opposed to an emotional cliff edge where you all fall off and smash into the rocks of the new reality below

Increase soothing and support for all before during and after the change. More movie nights on the sofa, more self care, more massages, more spa days, more friends and fun, more family meets and openness about feelings, tell the school, work and all support networks about the transition and ask for understanding

Refocus on the four corners of health and wellbeing:

  1. Nutrition (hydration) – eat well and regularly (in between the movie night binges of course!)
  2. Sleep and rest regularly
  3. Get moving and exercise
  4. Manage stress with relaxation, massage, meditation

Often adapting these approaches will not only take the sting out, but it will also mean you have no discernible negative transition issues. Or if you do have them, they are less intense and of shorter duration. If there is a history in your children or yourself of mental health issues, eating disorders, addiction etc then it is super important to focus on support and also developing individual plans for those involved around relapse prevention; for example should a mental health professional be brought in to help, should medication be used prophylactically to reduce the risk of relapse?

Read more articles by Noel McDermott.

About Noel McDermott

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

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