coping and dealing with divorce

Shouldn’t Divorce Get Easier As Time Passes?
Happy elderly woman looking out window thinking of memories pensioner retirement lifestyle concept.
///

Shouldn’t Divorce Get Easier As Time Passes?

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

Why You Feel Worse Before You Feel Better After Divorce

It feels as though the third year after divorce should be easier than the first two, right?

You’ve got time behind you. You’ve gotten used to the new routines. You’re supposed to be “moving on”. You’ve survived the initial upheaval and, on the surface at least, life is beginning to feel more normal.

And yet, if all of that was true, there wouldn’t be that strange freefall feeling that can happen when you reach the two year mark.

I see this happen again and again with the women I work with. They feel as though they’re tracking well. They’ve got through the initial crisis, they’re highly functioning, they’ve built new routines and they’re getting on with life. Then, somewhere around that two-year mark, something shifts and they start questioning everything.

It was exactly the same for me.

I divorced with two young children. My son was eight and my daughter was five, so life was already incredibly full. There were school runs, appointments, homework, weekend sport, and all the ordinary demands that come with raising small children.

Then you add divorce to that.

Custody arrangements. Stress. Anxiety. Fear about the future. Grief. Dealing with extended family. Losing friendships. Trying to create some kind of new normal when the family structure you had built your life around has disintegrated.

There wasn’t much time to stop and think about how I was actually doing. I was focused on getting everyone else through it.

Of course, the demands look different when your children are teenagers or young adults. You might not be dealing with school runs and bath time anymore, but you may be navigating teenage emotions, exams, relationships, independence, university, or supporting a young adult who is finding their own way. You’re still very capable of putting their needs ahead of your own.

And this is something I see particularly often in high-performing women. We are very good at getting everyone else through difficult things. We organise, we solve problems, we keep things moving, we show up at work, we make sure the children are okay and we somehow keep functioning when, underneath it all, we are struggling.

We are often the last ones to get a glimpse of the care we give to everyone else who needs it.

This is why the two-year mark can be such a significant point.

By then, things have usually become quieter. The legalities are, in most cases, over. The paperwork and negotiations are behind you. You’ve finally stopped thinking of your ex-spouse as your partner, and your children have started to get their heads around the change and settle into their new routines.

And suddenly, there is space to think.

Space to look back. To wonder where it all went wrong. To question whether you could have done things differently. To really feel the reality of running your own life and your own home, and perhaps being a single mother in a way you hadn’t quite allowed yourself to fully acknowledge before.

And that reality can be incredibly confronting.

Your mind can start reaching back towards the comfort zone of marriage. Sure, it wasn’t perfect. You know why you left. But it was familiar, and familiarity can feel very comforting when you’re standing at the beginning of a completely unknown road.

The road to rebuilding a life from scratch.

And for women in midlife, there can be another layer to this. Your children may be getting older and becoming more independent, and suddenly the question of your own life becomes much louder.

Who are you now? What do you actually want? What does this next chapter look like when so much of your identity has been tied up in being a wife and a mother?

The first couple of years are about survival. You get yourself through each day. You go to work, achieve at your usual high standard, make sure the family have everything they need and try to create a healthy and amicable co-parenting relationship.

You might start dating again. You’re figuring out where you fit within your old extended family. You’re navigating friendships, growing professionally. There is a huge amount going on.

So where, in all of that, is there time to stop, catch your breath and actually feel what has happened to you?

For me, most of my intense grieving hit around the two-year mark. The quiet was deafening. The grief and loneliness was all encompassing.

I understand now why the two-year mark seems to be such a significant marker for so many of the women I work with.

It’s not necessarily that something has gone wrong. In many ways, it’s the opposite. You’ve finally got everyone through the initial impact, and there is enough space in your life for you to feel what you have been carrying.

And that can feel like a setback.

You might suddenly feel anxious again. You might start questioning your decision. You might miss your ex. You might wonder whether you made a terrible mistake. You might feel desperately sad, confused or completely unlike the woman who seemed to be doing so well six months ago.

If this is happening to you, please don’t panic.

You haven’t undone all the progress you’ve made. You haven’t gone backwards, and it doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision. It doesn’t mean you should think about going back or that something is wrong with you.

It may simply be that you’ve reached a point where there is finally enough quiet for you to process what you have actually been through.

You are a woman who has been through something enormous. You got yourself and everyone around you through the first impact. Now it’s time to give the love, support and care you gave to everyone else, to yourself.

You don’t need to have it all figured out.

You may simply need some time, some space and some support to feel and process what you were too busy to feel.

If you’re a few years down the track and wondering what on earth is happening to you, take a breath. There is nothing wrong with you. This is all very normal.

You can reframe this time as a unique opportunity.

Start asking yourself what care looks like for you now, and what’s going to support you the most as you begin to build this next part of your post-divorce life.

Read more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

I’m Carol Madden, a Post-Divorce Life Coach working with women around the world from my online practice.

I work with women who have been divorced for two years or more and thought they’d feel better by now. They’re functioning and getting on with life, but still struggling to let go, heal and move forward in their new post-divorce lives.

I’ve been through divorce myself, and that experience led me to this work. I know what it’s like to look fine on the outside while still carrying grief, guilt, confusion and all the unanswered questions underneath, even several years later.

I also know what it takes to come out the other side and build a life that feels good again.

I help women get to the heart of what’s holding them back, stop looking backwards and find the strength to move forward, even when it feels hard.

Discover me on social media:

You might be interested in

Stop Demonizing Divorce. Start Supporting the People Going Through It.
Hands, love and lgbt with a woman couple hugging outdoor for romance, dating or non binary affectio.
//

Stop Demonizing Divorce. Start Supporting the People Going Through It.

Published on
Natasha Bacca
Natasha Bacca
Divorce Doula, Mediator & Writer

It’s time we stopped confusing preserving marriages with protecting families—and replaced judgment with compassion.

There are few major life transitions we still expect people to endure with as much shame as divorce.

When someone is diagnosed with a serious illness, we rally around them. When someone loses a loved one, we bring food, send flowers, check in, and make room for grief.

But when a marriage ends?

People often disappear.

Friends don’t know what to say. Families quietly take sides. Communities that once offered belonging can become sources of judgment. The person going through the divorce may feel pressure to explain what happened, defend why they are leaving, prove they tried hard enough— or remain silent altogether.

Divorce is still too often framed as a personal failure. A broken promise. A selfish choice. Evidence that someone didn’t try hard enough to save their family.

And that framing does real harm.

Because divorce is rarely a simple choice between staying married and walking away.

Sometimes a marriage ends because of betrayal, addiction, abuse, coercion, chronic conflict, or years of emotional harm. Sometimes one person wants the divorce and the other is devastated by it.

Sometimes two people love each other and still cannot create a healthy life together. Sometimes people spend years trying to repair a relationship before finally acknowledging that staying is costing them too much.

And sometimes ending a marriage is not the destruction of a family. Sometimes it is the beginning of making that family safer.

Whatever brought someone to divorce, they are already facing one of the most significant transitions of their lives. What they need from the people around them is not another layer of judgment.

They need compassion.

The Cost of Stigma

Divorce stigma doesn’t simply hurt people’s feelings. It can influence the decisions they make long before anyone files paperwork.

When people believe ending a marriage makes them a failure, they may stay silent longer. They may minimize what is happening inside their homes. They may hesitate to ask for help or tell the truth about their relationships.

They may remain in harmful dynamics because leaving feels morally worse than suffering. For parents, the pressure can be even greater.

Stay for the kids.

Keep the family together.

Don’t be the one who breaks up the home.

But preserving a marriage and preserving a healthy family are not always the same thing.

By the time some couples finally separate, years of damage have accumulated. Resentment has deepened. Communication has deteriorated. Finances may be strained. Children may have spent years absorbing tension between their parents.

The divorce didn’t necessarily create all of that.

It may simply have revealed what was already there.

Stigma does not necessarily prevent divorce. Sometimes it simply delays support until families are already in crisis.

This Is Not a Fringe Experience

Nearly one-third of American children experience parental divorce before reaching adulthood, according to a 2025 study using linked tax and Census records for more than five million children.

Think about the scale of that for a moment.

This is not a rare family aberration. It is a major childhood and family transition experienced by millions of people—and one that deserves far more thoughtful support than our culture currently provides.

Yet we continue to treat divorce as something families should whisper about. Something parents should apologize for.

Something children should be protected from discussing.

Something adults should have to justify before receiving compassion.

When an experience touches this many families, shame is not a solution.

Support is.

What We Get Wrong About Children and Divorce

Divorce can be hard on children. We should acknowledge that plainly.

It can bring enormous changes: two homes, altered routines, financial stress, grief, uncertainty, and less access to one or both parents.

But “divorce can hurt children” is not the same thing as “parents should stay married for their children.”

Research tells a much more complicated story. A 2022 review of the literature on children’s adjustment to divorce found that the family environment before and after divorce—particularly the level of interparental conflict—plays a crucial role in how children fare.

In other words, the legal end of the marriage is only one part of the story.

The environment children are living in matters enormously.

Decades of research have also linked interparental conflict with emotional and behavioral difficulties in children, and those associations exist in both married and divorced families.

A marriage can remain legally intact while a family is emotionally falling apart.

Children can live with married parents and still grow up surrounded by hostility, contempt, fear, volatility, silence, or chronic tension. They can learn that love means enduring disrespect. They can learn that keeping a family together matters more than the wellbeing of the people inside it.

Those lessons matter, too.

The marriage certificate itself is not what makes a home safe.

So perhaps the question should not simply be, Is divorce bad for children?

A better question is:

What environment gives these particular children the greatest opportunity to feel safe, loved, connected, and emotionally secure?

Sometimes the answer will be helping parents repair their marriage. Sometimes it will be helping them separate well.

Either way, shame should not be making the decision.

Divorce Is a Life Transition, Not a Moral Diagnosis

There is something else we rarely acknowledge: for some people, divorce is not the beginning of their suffering.

It is the end of it.

That does not mean divorce is painless.

Relief and grief can exist at the same time. A person can know that ending a marriage was necessary and still mourn the family they hoped they would have. They can feel freer and terrified. Heartbroken and hopeful. Certain and devastated.

Divorce can affect housing, finances, parenting, identity, friendships, traditions, community, and a person’s understanding of their own future—sometimes all at once.

Research on marital dissolution and health reflects that complexity. Divorce can be a significant stressor associated with poorer health outcomes for some people, while research also finds that resilience is the most common trajectory following marital separation.

Both things can be true.

Divorce can be deeply destabilizing, and people can rebuild lives of health, connection, and meaning afterward.

And yet we often expect people going through divorce to function as though they are simply completing a legal transaction.

They may be asked to make enormous financial decisions, navigate an unfamiliar legal system, figure out where they will live, protect their children, negotiate parenting arrangements, grieve their marriage, keep working, keep parenting—and somehow remain perfectly calm and rational through all of it.

Then we judge them when they struggle.

What if we treated divorce not as evidence of someone’s moral failure, but as a major human transition deserving meaningful support?

Supporting Divorce Does Not Mean Promoting It

This is where conversations about divorce often become unnecessarily polarized. If we stop demonizing divorce, some people fear we are somehow encouraging it.

But supporting people through divorce doesn’t promote divorce any more than caring for someone with cancer promotes cancer.

We can value marriage and still acknowledge that not every marriage should continue.

We can believe relationships deserve effort while recognizing that effort has limits.

We can encourage repair without demanding endurance.

And we can support someone whose marriage is ending without requiring every private detail before deciding whether they deserve our compassion.

The goal is not more divorce.

The goal is less unnecessary suffering.

What Real Support Looks Like

So what would it look like to respond differently? We could start by breaking the silence.

Many people say nothing because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing. But silence can feel remarkably similar to abandonment when someone’s entire life is changing.

I’m thinking about you.

I’m here.

What would feel supportive right now?

Those words matter.
We could resist the urge to immediately judge, diagnose, interrogate, or assign blame.

We could become more curious and less certain that we understand someone else’s marriage from the outside.

What appears sudden may have been unfolding privately for years. The person who files for divorce may not be the person who ended the marriage in every meaningful sense. There may be grief, betrayal, relief, love, fear, responsibility, and hope tangled together in ways outsiders will never fully understand.

And perhaps most importantly, we could stop requiring people to prove that their marriage was terrible enough to justify leaving it.

There does not have to be a villain in every divorce.

Sometimes a relationship has simply reached its end.

Sometimes staying requires one person to disappear inside it.

Sometimes leaving is the most honest thing someone has done in years.

Whatever the circumstances, someone facing the loss of their marriage should not have to earn basic human compassion.

We Need a Better Story About Divorce

Divorce reshapes households, friendships, finances, workplaces, schools, and communities.

It is not a private aberration happening to a small group of people who somehow failed at marriage.

It is part of the landscape of human relationships.

That does not mean we should celebrate every divorce or pretend separation carries no consequences.

It means we should become mature enough to hold multiple truths at once. Divorce can be deeply painful.

Divorce can affect children.

Marriage can be worth fighting for.

And ending a marriage can sometimes be the healthiest choice available.

We can value marriage without treating divorce as a moral failure. We can acknowledge that divorce can be painful for children without assuming that an intact marriage is always the healthiest home. We can believe relationships deserve effort without believing people must suffer indefinitely to prove they tried hard enough.

The goal shouldn’t be keeping every marriage intact. The goal should be protecting the wellbeing of the people inside our families.

Sometimes that means helping a marriage heal.

Sometimes it means helping a family survive the end of one. Either way, what people need from us isn’t judgment.

It’s compassion.

About Natasha Bacca

Natasha Bacca is a divorce doula, high-conflict divorce coach, mediator, educator, and author who supports people navigating divorce, co-parenting, and major life transitions. Her work centers on helping people move through divorce with greater clarity, dignity, and support—and build meaningful lives on the other side. Learn more at NatashaBacca.com.

You might be interested in

From Screenshot Pile to Working Chronology: Preparing for a Solicitor or Mediator
Life is all happening online. Shot of an unrecognisable person using a smartphone

From Screenshot Pile to Working Chronology: Preparing for a Solicitor or Mediator

Published on
Mielad Niekzad
Mielad Niekzad
Platform Engineer
Casewell

Separation has a habit of producing an enormous digital archive.

WhatsApp messages. Emails. Photographs. School correspondence. Appointment letters. Calendar entries. Receipts. Screenshots saved at midnight because something felt important and you were frightened you might later forget it.

After several months, it is quite possible to have hundreds – perhaps thousands – of items stored across a phone, inbox and cloud account.

The instinct to preserve information is understandable. The problem comes when you need to explain what has actually happened to somebody else.

A folder containing 600 screenshots may contain important information, but it does not necessarily communicate it.

If you are preparing for a conversation with a mediator or solicitor, the objective should not be to present the largest possible archive. It should be to make the relevant history understandable.

That means moving from collection to chronology.

The screenshot problem

Imagine that you need to explain a disagreement about arrangements for your child.

You remember that it happened sometime in March. There were several WhatsApp conversations, an email from school and perhaps a photograph connected with it. You know you have everything somewhere. But where?

You begin searching your camera roll. Screenshot 184 leads to screenshot 185, which refers to an earlier conversation. Then you search WhatsApp. Then your email.

Twenty minutes later, you are reconstructing the event yourself. Now imagine asking a mediator or solicitor, who has never seen any of this before, to do the same thing.

This is the difference between having information and having a usable record.

Build the chronology first

A simple chronology can act as the index to everything else. Each entry need only answer a few basic questions:

When did it happen?
What happened?
Who was involved?
Is there supporting material?

An entry might look something like this:

12 March 2026 – Change to school collection

At 9.14 am I received a message asking whether I could collect our daughter from school instead of the previously agreed collection arrangement. I confirmed at 9.32 am that I could do so and collected her at approximately 3.20 pm.

Supporting material: WhatsApp conversation, 12 March 2026.

Nothing dramatic is required. In fact, the more factual the entry, the more useful it generally becomes.

Separate the event from your interpretation of it

This is one of the most important habits when organising records.

There is a considerable difference between writing: “He deliberately ignored my messages because he wanted to make things difficult.” and: “I sent messages at 10.14 am and 3.42 pm asking whether he could attend the appointment. I had not received a response by 6 pm.”

The first statement contains an interpretation of another person’s intentions. The second records observable events.

That distinction matters because your chronology should help another person understand what occurred without requiring them to adopt your interpretation of it. Words such as always, never, deliberately, manipulative and unreasonable can easily creep into notes written during stressful periods. Where possible, replace conclusions with the underlying event.

If somebody repeatedly cancelled arrangements, for example, you do not necessarily need to write that they were “unreliable”. Record the dates and what happened. The pattern, if there is one, can then speak for itself.

It is also sensible to write on the assumption that your chronology may one day be read by somebody other than you. Depending on the circumstances, material you create may later be seen by professionals involved in your case or potentially by the other parent. Keep the language factual, measured and something you would be comfortable having attributed to you. If you are unsure about confidentiality, disclosure or how particular records may be used, seek legal advice.

Give every source a home

Once the chronology exists, your screenshots and documents become supporting material rather than the story itself. A basic naming system can make an enormous difference:

2026-03-12 – WhatsApp – school collection
2026-03-18 – School email – attendance
2026-03-24 – Appointment letter – paediatric clinic
2026-04-02 – Email – Easter arrangements

The precise naming convention is less important than consistency. Dates are particularly useful because they naturally place files into chronological order.

The aim is simple: if somebody asks you for the material relating to an event six months ago, you should be able to find it without scrolling through your entire camera roll.

Not every disagreement needs an entry

For many separating parents, once record-keeping begins there can be a temptation to document everything: a late message, an unpleasant remark, a five-minute delay, or a disagreement that was resolved ten minutes later. Before adding something to a routine co-parenting chronology, it can therefore be useful to ask whether you are reasonably likely to need to remember it in six months, or whether it helps explain an issue that may actually need to be discussed.

If the answer to both is no, it may not need an entry. Good record-keeping is partly about preserving information; it is also about keeping the resulting record usable.

There is, however, an important exception.

Where safety or controlling behaviour is a concern

If you are experiencing abuse, coercive control, harassment, stalking or another pattern of behaviour that causes you concern for your or your children’s safety, the approach above may not be appropriate. A series of incidents that appears minor when each is viewed in isolation can sometimes be significant precisely because of the pattern it forms.

In those circumstances, recording events more comprehensively and as close to the time as you safely can may be important. Seek specialist or legal advice early about what to record, how to preserve it and, crucially, how to do so without increasing risk to yourself or your children. If keeping records on a particular device or account could itself put you at risk, prioritise your safety over any organisational system.

Include ordinary events where they provide context

In an ordinary co-parenting chronology, a record containing only conflict can unintentionally become a catalogue of grievances rather than an account of family life. Ordinary events can sometimes provide useful context: a handover happened as agreed, both parents attended a school event, a proposed schedule change was discussed and resolved, or an appointment took place without difficulty.

The purpose is accuracy, not building the strongest possible case against another person.

Again, this should not be treated as a rule for situations involving abuse or coercive control, where the appropriate approach to documentation may be quite different.

Keep the archive; prepare a smaller working pack

You do not necessarily need to delete anything simply because it is not immediately relevant. Instead, distinguish between your archive and your working pack.

The archive might contain hundreds of original messages, emails, photographs and documents. The working pack should be much smaller and tailored to the conversation you are about to have.

Before a mediation or solicitor meeting, it might contain:

a concise chronology covering the relevant period;
the key documents referred to within it;
any important dates or arrangements;
a short note identifying genuine gaps or uncertainties; and
the questions you actually need help resolving.

This changes the conversation. Instead of beginning with, “I have hundreds of screenshots I need to show you,” you can begin with: “These are the events I think are relevant. I’ve put them in date order, and I have the original material available if you need to see it.”

That is a much easier starting point for everybody.

Organise around the issue, not the relationship

If you are preparing for mediation about school arrangements, your entire history since separation may not be relevant to that discussion. The same applies to conversations about holidays, handovers, expenses or another particular issue.

Ask yourself: What question are we actually trying to resolve?

Then identify the events and material that help explain that question. This can be particularly important when emotions are understandably high. Separation is rarely experienced as a collection of neat, isolated problems; everything can feel connected. But a professional trying to help you may need to separate those strands.

Organising your working material around the issue at hand can help them do that. Where there are wider safety concerns or an alleged pattern of behaviour, however, tell the professional rather than deciding for yourself that the wider history is irrelevant.

Preserve the originals

Organisation should not mean rewriting history. Keep original emails, messages, photographs and documents wherever reasonably possible.

If you create a summary, recognise that it is a summary. If you quote a message, retain the original conversation. And if you are uncertain about something, say so.

I believe this happened around 4 March, although I do not have a contemporaneous record confirming the exact date.

That is preferable to creating certainty where none exists. Similarly, distinguish between something you personally witnessed and something somebody subsequently told you. Accuracy includes acknowledging the limits of your own record.

A chronology is an organisational tool, not a verdict

Perhaps the most important point is what a personal chronology cannot do.

It cannot determine somebody else’s intentions. It does not establish that every recorded allegation is true. And the fact that something has been saved does not automatically make it legally relevant or admissible.

Questions about evidence, privacy, recordings, disclosure, confidentiality or the legal significance of particular material should be discussed with an appropriately qualified professional in the relevant jurisdiction.

The purpose of organising your records is more modest – and more useful. It is to help you remember what happened, locate the original material and explain the relevant sequence of events clearly.

Clarity is the objective

During separation, collecting information can feel protective. But eventually there comes a point when another skill becomes important: editing.

Not editing the facts, but editing the volume.

Turning 600 screenshots into a chronology. Connecting relevant events to their original sources. And then taking what is actually useful into the conversation you are about to have.

For some parents, that will mean reducing a large archive to a relatively small working pack. For others – particularly where a wider pattern of behaviour or safety concern exists – it may mean preserving considerably more and seeking professional advice about how best to organise it.

A well-organised record does not need to tell somebody what conclusion to reach. It simply makes the history easier to understand.

And when a mediator or solicitor is trying to help you work through an already complicated situation, that clarity can be considerably more useful than another hundred unlabelled screenshots.

About Mielad Niekzad

Mielad Niekzad is the founder of Casewell, a private custody-journaling app for individual parents who want to keep child-related events and supporting material organised without requiring the other parent’s participation. Casewell is designed for private record-keeping rather than communication between co-parents.

Visit Casewell: https://getcasewell.com/

Mielad is not a solicitor and this article provides general information only. It does not constitute legal advice.

You might be interested in

Calling Yourself "Divorced"
Young teenage girl looking in the mirror in the room.
/

Calling Yourself “Divorced”

Published on
Tucker Lieberman
Tucker Lieberman
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

Unless you’ve always been with your secondary school sweetheart, there was probably a time when you thought of yourself as “single.” Then you were “engaged,” then “married.” If you’re headed toward divorce, your marital status will need yet another label. At some point, you’ll take a deep breath and say: “divorced.”

Whereas engagement and marriage were happy updates, divorce usually has negative feelings swirling around it, which makes people reluctant to admit that their status has changed.

However, it’s important to be honest about your marital status, especially when you’re introducing yourself to a potential new match. A Custody X Change study of recently divorced Americans found that most people wait until their divorce is finalised to start seeing someone new. You don’t ever have to start dating again, of course, but most divorced people do, whether they make an effort to meet someone new or a relationship sparks unexpectedly.

In situations like this, using the right label can be helpful. Calling yourself “divorced” quickly communicates your marital status to others so you start new relationships on solid footing. It also helps you to face facts and move forward.

Acknowledging Negative Feelings About Getting Divorced

You may be dwelling on the question of who’s responsible for the breakdown of the marriage. Maybe you sought the divorce or agreed to it, and in that sense, you “wanted” the divorce. Or maybe you resisted the divorce: your spouse asked for it, and you’ve never had much choice about it. Either way, divorce wasn’t part of your original plan when you first got married, which can make it tough to accept what’s happening.

It’s common to have multiple negative feelings about divorcing. You may feel:

  • Disappointed in your spouse for having betrayed you or neglected to support you.
  • Inadequate for having failed your spouse in some way.
  • Exhausted because marriage was harder than you expected.
  • Overwhelmed by a toxic or abusive dynamic.
  • Confused because you’re still in love with your spouse.
  • Embarrassed in front of your friends who came to your wedding, showed goodwill and spent happy times with you as a couple.
  • Ashamed in front of your parents or religious leaders who expected or encouraged you to stay married.
  • Frustrated because you didn’t have the happy marriage you believed you had worked for or deserved.
  • Fearful that this divorce will make you seem less desirable to future partners.

If you attach negative feelings to the idea of divorce, it’ll feel harder to call yourself “divorced.”

Feelings can be helpful indicators — even the negative ones. It’s good to notice what your ex may be feeling and to process your own feelings. Eventually, though, you may benefit from taking a more neutral view of divorce.

Uncertainty can also affect how you describe your marital status. If you’re factually unsure whether your marriage is ending or you’re not yet ready to admit it, you may avoid saying you’re “getting divorced” because you believe that’s inaccurate. You may generally avoid the topic to stop others from making false assumptions about which spouse hurt the other or which spouse walked away from the marriage. It’s understandable that you don’t want to spread falsehoods or have to deal with others’ misrepresentations of you.

If you’re a parent, though, you’ll need a way to explain the changes to your children. Ultimately you’ll have to explain it to yourself too.

When you’re ready, telling people you’re divorced is a way to speak the truth and to take control of your own narrative.

Call Yourself “Divorced” When You’re Ready

At some point in the not-too-distant future, you’ll have to communicate your marital status. You may simply be making casual conversation with neighbors or filling out a form at the doctor’s office. You’ll want to speak truthfully and also feel emotionally prepared with language that makes sense for you.

Sometimes people who are winding down a marriage want to be precise about their living arrangement or their marital status. They may call themselves “separated” while they’re still legally married but living apart from their spouse, then call themselves “divorced” only after a court finalises the end of their marriage. They may specify that they’ve gotten a financial clean break from their spouse (if they’re speaking with an estate agent or letting agent, for example).

Some people sum up by giving the relationship status “it’s complicated.” That’s fine if you don’t mind people knowing you’re going through some changes. Expect that it will provoke curiosity.

You may simply call yourself “single” to say that you don’t currently have a romantic partner. Your spouse has been an important part of your life, and you may be surprised that it isn’t always necessary to specify that you used to be married. Your ex-spouse is no longer around, so why mention them at all? “Single” can be an appropriate word choice. It implies you’re free of romantic commitments and open to a new relationship. Many people consider themselves single before their divorces are legally finalised, so pay attention to what other people mean by this word and what they believe you mean by it, so no one feels misled.

Words have power, and there’s a lot of weight in the word “divorce.” You may have an emotional moment when you call yourself “divorced” for the first time. Though it can be sad, it’s an opportunity for truthfulness, self-acceptance and the personal growth that follows.

Read more articles by Tucker Lieberman.

Read more articles by Custody X Change.

About Tucker Lieberman

Tucker Lieberman is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change. After a decade with an investment company focusing on saving for university, he now writes about co-parenting arrangements.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

You might be interested in

Woman Enjoying Organic Flower Farm

Healing After Divorce or Separation: Practical Steps to Rebuild, Recover and Move Forward

Published on
Sanjay Solanki
Sanjay Solanki
Divorce & Family Law Solicitor
Woolley & Co Solicitors

Divorce and separation is often described as that feeling of having the ground shifted from right beneath your feet.

The emotional impact of a relationship ending can be profound. Those feelings of grief, anger, guilt and anxiety often get entangled making it difficult to process emotions.

In this article, I am going to explore what practical steps to consider to protect your own wellbeing when faced with raw emotions following a separation.

There is no quick fix or one-size-fits-all solution to recovering from a divorce.

When a relationship ends, it is more than just losing a partner. For the individual, they have to juggle, picking up the pieces and carrying on with what life has to throw. Meanwhile, the individual needs to find time to deal with the uncertainty of what comes next.

After a separation, the family dynamics change, and you lose a sense of identity. A big concern is personal finances and affordability around financial obligations.

It is not uncommon to experience:

  • Loneliness and social isolation.
  • Reduced self-esteem and confidence.
  • Stress associated with making arrangements regarding the finances and parenting.

Healing is rarely a straight line. You may find some days are better than others. One day you may feel positive and hopeful, the other, you may experience feelings of overwhelm and confusion.

Practical strategies for healing and moving forward

1. Do not ignore your emotions

It is natural to feel:

  • Disappointment
  • Loss
  • Anger
  • Fear
  • Sadness
  • Grief

Give yourself time. Healing takes time and as part of your journey it is important to acknowledge your emotions and not suppress them.

It can help to:

  • Keep a journal of how you are feeling.
  • Consider an activity, hobbie or exercise that you enjoy and will help you to feel calm and relaxed. For some individuals, they may consider swimming, meditation, yoga or walking.

2. Do not forget who you are

It is important you focus on your needs, concerns and priorities and remember your routine.

It is ok to make time for:

  • Your mental and physical wellbeing.
  • Your own personal finances.
  • Your responsibilities as a parent.
  • Your personal development.

It is important to take small steps to avoid becoming stressed and overwhelmed

3. Reflect on where you are and where you want to be

This is your opportunity to give yourself time and space and rediscover. A separation often forces people to let go of plans they once held. Ask yourself:

  • What do I want my life to look like in one year?
  • What goals have I put on hold?
  • What brings me fulfilment and purpose?

You should not feel guilty about this. It is ok to give yourself permission to explore. Any interest you have or, any commitment you show, can help you to build emotional resilience. It may help to keep a list.

4. Stand tall

You should not feel bad or guilty for putting yourself first. It matters that you make time to:

  • Go for a walk.
  • Practice mindfulness.
  • Read a book.
  • Spend time outdoors.

Looking after yourself has health benefits and it can help to reduce stress and improve your emotional and mental wellbeing.

5. Be kind to yourself

Healing takes time. It is important that you avoid comparing your journey to others. Equally, it is important you do not judge yourself for things that have not gone as planned.

Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer to someone else facing similar circumstances.

6. Create a support network

Strong emotions can cloud judgement and so it is important not to make major decisions. You do not have to deal with everything alone. You deserve support and this can come in many forms, including:

  • Family and friends.
  • Professional counselling and therapy.
  • Support groups.
  • Legal professionals.
  • Financial professionals.

Seek professional advice when required to discuss important decisions.

Supporting your children

If children are involved, they may be experiencing uncertainty, sadness and confusion. Children often cope better when both parents:

  • Reassure children that they are loved.
  • Avoid conflict in front of them.
  • Maintain consistency where possible.
  • Encourage them to express their feelings.

It helps if parents have open and age-appropriate communication.

Life after

Divorce and separation can be among life’s most challenging experiences, but it does not have to define your future.

There is no right time frame for healing. With the right support, practical coping strategies and patience, it is possible to find strength, be more self-aware and resilient than before. Healing is not about forgetting the past. It is about learning from it, accepting it and creating space for new opportunities, healthier relationships and renewed happiness.

About Sanjay Solanki

Sanjay Solanki is a family solicitor with Woolley & Co, Solicitors. Based in Solihull, he advises clients on all aspects of family law, including divorce, financial settlements and arrangements for children. Sanjay is a trained family mediator and is committed to helping clients resolve disputes in a constructive and practical way wherever possible. With experience gained at several respected regional law firms, he is known for his calm, supportive approach and for helping clients navigate complex and emotionally challenging situations with clarity and confidence. Sanjay specialises in divorce, financial remedy matters involving property, pensions and business interests, and children disputes, providing clear, pragmatic advice tailored to each client’s circumstances.

You might be interested in

Managing Grief and Loss and Emotional Recovery
///

Managing Grief and Loss and Emotional Recovery

Published on
Noel McDermott
Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

Humans are attachment making animals, we form loving bonds with each other that have deep consequences for us. They shape us literally at the biological level. The hormones involved in feelings of love and happiness with each other encourage myelination in the brains, whereby physical structures are formed in the brain. We use the term ‘personality’ as a shorthand for the sum total of these interactions. When a baby is born these loving interactions form the basis of brain health and personality health. Neglected babies have literal holes in the frontal lobes where brain matter is lost. Without this frontal lobe development, the capacity to think, regulate etc are severely compromised. This process is lifelong and crucially our attachments form the basis of our ability to regulate, think, operate in the complex social web of life. The longer we have had a relationship the deeper the impact is on personality and functioning. Although this is about loving relationships myelination also happens with stress-fear based relationships and what follows about loss is equally true.

Loss in this view then, is loss of self as represented in the real, social world. It is the loss of the ongoing capacity to regulate, make sense and meaning of reality, to frame experience in a way that makes it safe (predictable, as in better the devil you know in stress based intimate relationships.) This loss of meaning is frightening and we can’t turn to the person we have lost to help us regulate that fear. For these reasons we can feel the loss of a partner in divorce for example in a complex and confusing manner, particularly if we wanted the divorce, because why would we grieve ending a relationship we didn’t want anymore?

Understanding that loss and grief is our brain and personality trying to heal from a type of injury can help us make sense of this. The brain, our personality or self is primarily a social or environmental phenomena from this view. Loss is an injury to its wellbeing, to its health. So, we need to focus on that in healing that injury.

Loss of a partner to divorce is no different to any other loss and the social framing of it shouldn’t get in the way of the deeper level of understanding. So what helps?

  • Develop meaning in the world again. Much spiritual and or religious practice is based on meaning making so you may find comfort in that. If you are secular, think of helping others. As social animals any activity we engage with that helps the ‘herd’ helps us. There is always someone worse of then oneself and helping them will A) help them and make the world a better place and B) help us to get a sense of perspective and feel connected to something other than our own suffering

  • Increase contact with loving network and fill that hole in the brain with others to help us regulate

  • Stay away from alcohol and drugs. Temporary relief from these chemicals which can and do hijack neurological pathways is too dangerous at times of distress. Emotional distress is a sign you need a hug not a glass of wine

  • You have had a major injury, what would you do with any recovery from a major injury? Correct: rest, slow down, seek help, eat well, hydrate, sleep, show compassion to yourself

  • Normalise your reactions. There is nothing wrong because you are healing from a psychological injury. It is to be expected. Not being able to feel loss and grief (the signs you are healing) would be more worrying. It’s okay to not be okay

It’s worth reflecting upon the healing impact of nature during times of loss. Its impact is so strong that it’s worth developing it as a unique strand of your recovery. Nature has an impact on our brains similar to mindful meditation, which is well researched to help our bodies and brains heal. Nature increases our sense of connection to each other and our feeling of wellbeing. Nature in this context does not mean out in the wilds, it can be that, but equally can be your local park or indeed a bit of gardening. It is well researched for example that putting a park in an urban area reduces violent crime in that area by up to 20%. This is due to the sense of connection and wellbeing fostered. Therapeutic horticulture (gardening) is also well researched in psychological recovery. The impact of nature is so strong that simply taking time to pass attention to a tree at your bus stop on the way to work will produce a noticeable effect. So go hug a tree and say thanks!

Finally, it’s always a good idea to check in with a mental health professional or your GP if you are worried about how you are coping. If you have a history of psychological distress, you may well need extra help such as anti-depressants. Mostly you will be met with empathy and emotional support from the professionals who can reassure you nothing is wrong, but you never know, so it’s always good to check.

Read more articles by Noel McDermott.

About Noel McDermott

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

You might be interested in

The Digital Divorce: The Breakup Nobody Prepares You For

The Digital Divorce: The Breakup Nobody Prepares You For

Published on
Monika Braglewicz
Monika Braglewicz
Breakup and Divorce Coach
Coach With Monika

When people think about divorce, they usually picture the obvious milestones.

Finding somewhere new to live, speaking to a solicitor, working out finances, telling family and friends, learning how to co-parent. What they don’t picture is sitting alone at 11pm, scrolling through every app on their phone, quietly scrolling through years of shared digital life.

Yet for many people, that’s exactly what happens. I call it the digital divorce.

It’s the process of separating your online life from someone else’s. Removing them from shared accounts, changing passwords, updating emergency contacts, deciding what to do with thousands of photos.

These might sound like small jobs, but they often carry much more emotional weight than people expect.

It’s a part of separation that very few people talk about, despite the fact it’s becoming something almost everyone experiences.

When your phone won’t let you move on

Years ago, reminders of a relationship were mostly physical. A jumper left in the wardrobe, a wedding photo on the mantelpiece, a favourite restaurant you avoided for a while.

Today, our relationships exist just as much online as they do offline. Your ex might still be saved as “Home” in your Uber account.

Google Photos might decide today is the perfect day to remind you about a holiday you took together three years ago. Spotify is still asking whether you want to continue your Duo subscription. Your phone still autofills their address.

None of these things are big on their own. But together, they create a constant stream of unexpected reminders that can make it much harder to move on.

Why social media makes letting go harder

Then there’s social media. For many people, resisting the temptation to look at an ex-partner’s profile becomes one of the hardest parts of healing.

Research suggests between 60% and 70% of people admit checking an ex’s social media after a breakup, while some academic studies have found the figure could be as high as 88%. Psychologists often refer to this behaviour as digital surveillance or attachment monitoring, and research has consistently linked it with higher emotional distress and greater difficulty moving on.

It isn’t because people necessarily want their relationship back.

Sometimes they’re simply curious, sometimes they’re looking for reassurance they’ve made the right decision, sometimes they’re hoping to see signs that the other person isn’t coping either.

Whatever the reason, those quick checks often keep people emotionally connected to someone they’re trying to let go of. As a divorce coach, I hear clients describe this all the time.

They know looking isn’t helping them, but the urge can feel almost automatic. One look turns into five minutes. Five minutes turns into an evening spent analysing photographs, comments and who’s liked whose posts. It’s exhausting.

Healing isn’t just emotional anymore

One of the biggest changes I’ve noticed over the years is that healing after divorce isn’t only about processing emotions anymore.

It’s also about managing technology. Something as simple as changing your emergency contact can suddenly become emotional.

Removing someone from your medical records, taking them off your insurance policy or deleting them as your next of kin isn’t just administration. It’s another sign that your life has changed.

Even deciding what to do with old photographs can feel impossible. Some people want to delete everything immediately. Others can’t bear the thought of losing those memories, even though they know looking at them hurts. Neither response is wrong.

The important thing is recognising that these aren’t simply digital tasks. They’re emotional milestones, and they deserve the same patience and compassion you would give yourself in any other part of the divorce process.

Give yourself permission to do it step by step

One mistake people often make is believing they have to sort everything out in one weekend. In reality, the digital divorce can happen in stages.

Start with the practical things that protect your independence and security.

Change passwords, update emergency contacts, remove shared payment methods, review which apps still have access to your location or personal information.

Those changes aren’t about erasing someone from your life. They’re about creating healthy boundaries.

The more emotional tasks like deleting photographs can wait until you’re ready.

Creating space for what’s next

One of the ways I encourage clients to think about the digital divorce is this:

You’re not deleting your past, you’re creating space for your future.

Every account you separate, every password you update, they’re all small reminders that you’re rebuilding your own life.

That doesn’t diminish the relationship or pretend it never mattered, it just acknowledges that you’re making room for new routines, new memories and eventually, a new chapter.

You’re not the only one experiencing this

The hardest part about the digital divorce is that so many people go through it without realising it has a name.

Friends prepare you for the legal process. They prepare you for mediation, they prepare you for financial settlements.

Very few prepare you for the moment your phone unexpectedly reminds you of an anniversary you’d forgotten, or when Spotify asks whether you’d like to continue sharing your subscription.

These moments can feel surprisingly painful because they arrive without warning.

If you’ve found yourself caught off guard by something as simple as updating an app or seeing an old photograph appear on your screen, you’re not overreacting.

You’re experiencing a very modern part of separation that many people quietly struggle through. Healing today isn’t just about letting go emotionally. Sometimes it’s about gently logging out of the life you once shared, one password, one app and one small digital thread at a time.

About Monika Braglewicz

Monika is an accredited breakup and divorce coach who helps people navigate relationship change with clarity, confidence and compassion. Having overcome divorce, financial hardship and homelessness herself, she combines lived experience with professional coaching to support clients through separation, co-parenting, heartbreak and life after divorce, helping them rebuild with resilience and purpose.

You might be interested in

Who Are You After Divorce?

Who Are You After Divorce?

Published on
Sarah-Jayne Covell
Sarah-Jayne Covell
Integrative Psychotherapist & Founder Anchoring Therapy

Understanding the Loss of Identity After Separation

When people talk about divorce, they usually talk about the obvious things.

The legal process. The finances. The family home. The children. The practicalities of untangling a life that has become deeply intertwined with someone else’s.

Those things are undeniably difficult, but after many years of working with people experiencing relationship breakdown, I’ve become increasingly aware that one of the hardest parts of divorce often receives very little attention. 

It’s the moment someone quietly asks, “I don’t actually know who I am anymore.”

It rarely comes in the first few weeks. In those early days, there is usually too much to do. Solicitors need replying to, forms need completing, children need reassuring, friends want updates, and life somehow keeps moving even when you feel as though you’ve been knocked sideways.

It often arrives later, sometimes months later. The paperwork has been signed, routines have started to settle and, for the first time, there is enough silence to notice something feels different.

Not just around you, but within you.

More Than the End of a Relationship

For many people, divorce isn’t simply the end of a marriage. It’s the end of a version of themselves.

We rarely notice how much of our identity becomes wrapped up in being part of a couple until that identity changes.

We stop saying “I” and naturally begin saying “we”. Decisions are shared. Weekends develop familiar routines. Friends know us together. Family celebrations revolve around the same traditions year after year. Without really noticing, our relationship just becomes part of the way we understand ourselves.

Then, almost overnight, those reference points disappear.

One client described standing in the supermarket looking at a ready meal and realising she had absolutely no idea what she liked to eat anymore. It wasn’t really about the food. For years she had shopped for two people, always considering someone else’s preferences alongside her own. Faced with a simple choice, she suddenly realised she had forgotten to ask herself what she wanted. 

It sounds like such a small moment; in reality, it wasn’t small at all. It was one of the first signs that she was beginning to meet herself again.

When the Legal Process Ends

One of the things I often explain to clients is that the legal end of a marriage and the emotional end of a marriage rarely happen at the same time.

A decree absolute, a financial settlement or signed paperwork may bring certainty, but they don’t automatically answer the questions that continue afterwards.

Who am I if I’m no longer someone’s husband or wife? What happens to the plans we made? What do I do with the parts of myself that seem to have disappeared somewhere along the way?

These aren’t signs that someone is struggling to “move on”. In fact, feeling lost or unsure of yourself after a divorce is completely normal, and it’s something that many people experience. These emotions are a natural response to a significant life transition. Recognising that others share these feelings can be reassuring and is an important step in being gentle with yourself as you navigate this new chapter.

Our closest relationships help shape how we see ourselves. When those relationships change, it’s hardly surprising that our sense of identity needs time to adjust as well.

Becoming, Rather Than Returning

One question often sits quietly beneath many conversations I have with clients. “How do I get back to who I used to be? 

I don’t think that’s the most helpful question. The person you were at twenty-five, thirty-five or fifty existed because of every experience you’d had up until that point, including the relationship that has now ended.

Perhaps the more interesting question is, “Who am I becoming now?”

That doesn’t mean pretending divorce is a positive experience or suggesting everything happens for a reason. Most people would never have chosen this path.

But alongside the grief, many people slowly rediscover parts of themselves that had become almost invisible.

They take up hobbies they hadn’t thought about for years. Another client, who decided to try pottery after seeing a local class advertised. At first, she admitted she felt awkward and out of place, but soon realised how much she enjoyed working with her hands and letting herself learn something completely new. For her, every bowl she shaped was a quiet reminder that she could create something for herself, by herself. Others make decisions without second-guessing themselves. They discover they enjoy their own company. They begin to imagine a future that isn’t simply a replacement for the one they lost, but something entirely new.

That doesn’t happen in one defining moment; it’s usually much quieter than that. It happens in ordinary moments that gradually begin to feel like your own again.

That may be why identity after divorce isn’t really about finding yourself. It’s about noticing that, little by little, you’re becoming someone you haven’t met before.

If you are on this path right now, remember that even on the hardest days, growth is possible. Take things one step at a time and allow yourself patience. Support is available, and reaching out to others can make a real difference. In time, new possibilities may emerge, and you may be surprised by the strength and hope you discover within yourself.

Read more articles by Sarah-Jane Covell.

About Sarah-Jane Covell

Sarah-Jane Covell is an integrative psychotherapist based in North Yorkshire. She works with individuals and couples navigating life transitions, relationships and divorce. She is the author of When We Becomes Me: A Psychotherapist’s Guide to the Beginning, the Messy Middle, and the Other Side of Divorce. Feature: The Daily Wellness “Quiet Rebuilding Work,” “When We Becomes Me.” Counselling Directory: “Divorce and the loss of identity,”  “How music can help us process difficult emotions.”  The Daily Wellness: “Who are you after divorce.” 

Discover her Instagram page.

You might be interested in

Divorce Doesn't End a Marriage. It Ends a Chapter.

Divorce Doesn’t End a Marriage. It Ends a Chapter.

Published on
Susan Harwood
Susan Harwood
Chartered Legal Executive Litigator
Woolley & Co Solicitors

When people first contact a family lawyer, they often think they are coming for legal advice.

In reality, they are usually bringing far more than that.

Behind every discussion about finances, children or property is a person trying to make sense of one of the biggest transitions of their life. Some arrive angry, some frightened, some relieved. Many feel all three emotions within the same conversation.

After many years working in family law, I’ve learned that whilst the legal process is important, it is rarely the hardest part. The emotional journey often presents the greatest challenge.

Divorce is a loss, even when it’s the right decision

People often feel guilty for grieving a relationship they chose to leave.

But divorce represents the loss of far more than a marriage. It can mean the loss of certainty, shared dreams, family traditions, financial security, identity and the future you once imagined.

Grief is therefore a perfectly normal response.

Like any form of grief, it rarely follows a straight line. Some days bring optimism and relief; others bring sadness, anger or fear. Experiencing these emotions does not mean you are moving backwards, it simply means you are healing.

You don’t have to be at your best

Clients frequently apologise for crying during our initial consultation.

They tell me they “should be coping better” or that they feel embarrassed for becoming emotional.

The truth is that divorce places people under enormous psychological pressure. Alongside practical decisions, they may also be experiencing poor sleep, heightened anxiety, financial uncertainty and concern for their children.

No one makes their best decisions whilst living in a constant state of stress.

One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself during divorce is permission not to have everything figured out immediately.

Strong decisions come from calm minds

As lawyers, we often encourage clients not to make important decisions whilst emotions are running high.
This is not because feelings are unimportant. Quite the opposite.

When emotions are acknowledged rather than ignored, people are generally better able to think clearly, negotiate constructively and focus on long-term solutions rather than short-term reactions.

Sometimes the most productive thing a client can do isn’t send another email to their solicitor.

Sometimes it’s taking a walk, speaking with a trusted friend, seeing a counsellor, or simply sleeping on a difficult decision before responding.

Those small pauses can prevent costly conflict and help everyone move forward more constructively.

Children don’t need perfect parents

One of the greatest worries parents express is, “How do I stop this affecting my children?”

While every family is different, research consistently tells us that children cope best when they feel safe, loved and protected from adult conflict.

Parents cannot remove every sadness from a child’s experience.

What they can do is offer consistency, reassurance and permission for children to express their feelings without feeling caught between two people they love.

Children are remarkably resilient when they know that both parents continue to put their needs first.

Your relationship has ended. Your value has not.

Divorce has a way of making people question who they are.

People who have spent decades as someone’s husband or wife can suddenly wonder where they belong.

It is easy to confuse the end of a relationship with personal failure.

They are not the same thing.

Relationships end for countless reasons. The ending of a marriage says very little about your worth as a person.

In fact, many people later describe divorce not simply as an ending, but as the beginning of rediscovering themselves.

They reconnect with old friendships, find new interests, improve their health, pursue careers they had postponed or simply learn to enjoy their own company again.

While few people would choose divorce, many eventually recognise that they became stronger, more confident and more authentic because of what they learned through it.

Be kind to yourself

If you are currently navigating divorce, remember this:

  • You are not expected to have all the answers today.
  • You do not need to rush your healing.
  • Accept support where it is offered.
  • Surround yourself with people who help you feel calmer, not more conflicted.
  • Focus on the decisions that will still feel right in five years’ time, rather than the emotions that feel overwhelming today.
  • Above all, remember that divorce is one chapter of your life, not the whole story.

I’ve sat on both sides of the desk

Although I write as a family lawyer, I also write from personal experience.

I have been married twice, divorced twice and have raised my children largely as a single parent and gained my legal qualification as a mature student. Like many of my clients, I have experienced the uncertainty, financial pressures, self-doubt and emotional upheaval that separation can bring. I know what it feels like to question whether life will ever feel settled again, and I also know that, with time, it can.

That lived experience has profoundly shaped the way I practise. I understand that when a client sits opposite me, they are rarely looking solely for legal advice. They are often carrying grief, fear for their children’s future, anxiety about finances and uncertainty about what comes next. Whilst my role is to provide clear legal guidance, I never lose sight of the fact that behind every case is a person trying to rebuild their life.

Perhaps that is why I believe that family law is, at its heart, about people rather than paperwork. The legal process matters enormously, but how clients are supported through that process can make just as much difference to the way they emerge on the other side.

With time, support and compassion, it is entirely possible to build a future that feels peaceful, hopeful and fulfilling once again.

Read more articles by Susan Harwood.

Read more articles by Woolley & Co Solicitors.

About Susan Harwood

Susan Harwood is a chartered legal executive litigator with Woolley & Co, Solicitors. Based in Helston, Cornwall, she advises clients across the South West, London and internationally on all aspects of family law. With more than 20 years’ experience in family law, Susan specialises in divorce, financial settlements and children matters, with particular expertise in resolving the financial aspects of relationship breakdown. She is especially well known for advising Armed Forces personnel and expatriate clients, and is recognised for her practical, empathetic approach and commitment to resolving disputes constructively wherever possible.

You might be interested in

/

Managing Conflict and Stress During Divorce and Financial Remedy Proceedings

Published on

 

Katie Lowe
Partner in the Family Team
JMW Solicitors LLP

Katie Lowe, Partner in the JMW family team, examines how individuals can manage conflict and stress during divorce and financial remedy proceedings, with practical guidance for navigating the process calmly and confidently.

Divorce is rarely just a legal process. For many people, it is one of the most emotionally demanding periods of their lives, involving uncertainty about children, finances and the future. Even where both people want to resolve matters sensibly, the pressure of divorce and financial remedy proceedings can make communication difficult and conflict harder to avoid.

As a family lawyer, I often meet people at a point when they feel overwhelmed, exhausted or unsure how to move forward. That is completely understandable. Divorce involves important decisions, and those decisions are often being made at a time when emotions are high, and trust may have broken down. The aim is not to remove every difficult feeling from the process, but to manage the pressure and make informed choices.

Understand what is within your control

One of the most stressful aspects of divorce is feeling that events are happening to you and are out of your control. You may not be able to determine how your former partner behaves or whether they approach matters constructively. You can, however, shape how you prepare and the advice you take before making decisions.

It can help to separate issues into two categories: what needs a legal response and what is an emotional trigger. Not every message requires an immediate reply. Not every disagreement needs to become a battle. Taking advice early can give you a clearer sense of which issues genuinely matter to your long-term position, and which may be better not engaged with at all.

Keep communication calm, brief and purposeful

During divorce, communication can quickly become emotionally charged, particularly where there are unresolved issues or concerns about money or children. Where possible, try to keep written communication calm, brief and focused. Long explanations or repeated messages often increase tension rather than resolve it.

Before sending a message, it can be useful to pause and ask: what outcome am I trying to achieve? If the purpose is to confirm a date, request information or agree a practical arrangement, keep the message limited to that issue. If the topic is sensitive or likely to escalate, speak to your solicitor about whether communication should go through lawyers or be managed in a more structured way.

Do not let financial remedy proceedings consume every part of your life

Financial remedy proceedings can feel particularly stressful, and it is natural to worry about the outcome, especially if the family finances are not straightforward, if there are complex assets structures or concerns about whether everything has been fully disclosed.

A practical way to reduce stress is to create a system. Keep documents in one place, make a note of questions as they arise, and avoid trying to review everything late at night or when you are already emotionally drained. Your legal team can help you understand what information is needed, why it matters and how it fits into the wider strategy.

Choose your support network carefully

Support from friends and family can be invaluable, but it is important to choose the right people to lean on. Well-meaning advice is not always helpful, particularly where it is based on someone else’s divorce or encourages you to take a more aggressive approach than your circumstances require.

Try to identify a small number of people who can listen without inflaming the situation. Counselling, coaching or therapeutic help can also sit alongside legal advice. A solicitor’s role is to guide you through the legal issues and strategy; emotional support can help you cope with the personal impact of the process and make decisions from a steadier place.

Be realistic about conflict, but do not assume court is inevitable

Some conflict is normal during divorce. Disagreement does not necessarily mean the case will end up in a contested court hearing. Many cases can be resolved through solicitor-led negotiation, mediation, or other forms of non-court dispute resolution. The right route will depend on several factors including the personalities involved, the level of trust, and whether there are any safeguarding concerns.

When narcissistic behaviour or coercive control is part of the picture

For some people, the stress of divorce is made significantly worse by patterns of narcissistic behaviour or coercive control. In these cases, the usual advice about communication and compromise may not be enough. A person who has used control within the relationship may continue to use the divorce process, finances or arrangements for children as a way to exert pressure.

Where this is happening, a more structured and strategic approach is often needed. That may include tighter boundaries around communication, careful record keeping, a clear plan for disclosure, consideration of protective orders where appropriate and legal advice that recognises the emotional and practical reality of dealing with controlling behaviour.

Protect your wellbeing alongside your legal position

Looking after yourself during divorce is not a distraction from the legal process. It is part of managing it well. Fatigue, anxiety and emotional overload can make it harder to process advice, respond proportionately and make decisions that serve your long-term interests.

Small, consistent steps can make a difference: keep some structure in your week, take breaks from emails and legal documents, avoid using social media as an outlet for frustration, and give yourself permission not to deal with every issue immediately. If you are struggling, seek professional emotional support. Divorce is a major life event, and you do not have to navigate it alone.

Practical tips for reducing conflict and stress

  • Pause before responding to difficult messages and avoid replying when you are angry, upset or tired.
  • Keep communication focused on practical issues rather than revisiting the history of the relationship.
  • Save important documents and correspondence in an organised way so you can access them easily when needed.
  • Take legal advice before making significant financial decisions or agreeing to proposals.
  • Set realistic expectations about timescales, especially where financial disclosure is complex.
  • Use professional support, including therapeutic or coaching support, where the emotional impact feels overwhelming.
  • Remember that being calm does not mean being passive; you can be measured and firm at the same time.

Final thoughts

Divorce and financial remedy proceedings can feel daunting, but the way the process is managed can make a significant difference. With the right advice, clear boundaries and appropriate support, it is possible to reduce unnecessary conflict and make decisions with greater confidence.

If you are contemplating divorce, already involved in financial remedy proceedings, or concerned about high-conflict behaviour, early specialist advice can help you understand your options and plan the next steps. JMW’s family law team supports clients with clear, compassionate and strategic advice tailored to their circumstances, helping them move through divorce with clarity and confidence.

About Katie Lowe

Katie Lowe is a Partner in JMW’s family law team, advising clients on all aspects of divorce, financial remedy proceedings and arrangements for children. Recommended by clients and recognised in the legal directories, Katie is known for her clear, strategic and compassionate approach. She has a niche specialism in cases involving narcissistic behaviour and coercive control, helping clients navigate high-conflict dynamics with confidence and care.

You might be interested in

Divorce Exposed My Coping Mechanisms

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

Divorce didn’t just break my heart. It exposed the ways I’d learned to survive when life fell apart.

Not straight away. In the beginning I was just getting through the days, doing what I needed to do to survive the shock of it all. But over time, when things quietened down a little, I started to see myself more clearly. The patterns underneath. The ways I was trying to manage something that felt unbearable.

One of the first things I saw was how quickly I turned on myself. I told myself stories about not being able to love properly, not being worth fighting for, not being able to succeed at family life. Not being lovable.

There was also a lot of denial. I didn’t want to look too closely at certain things. At one point I couldn’t fully take in that my ex husband was seeing someone almost immediately after we separated. That truth felt too sharp, too destabilising, so I softened it, told myself versions of events that hurt less to manage the pain.

I can see now that all of that was just me trying to cope with a devastating experience. I was trying to deal with something I didn’t have the capacity to feel all at once.

Alcohol was in the mix too. Nothing dramatic, just a way of taking the edge off at the end of a long week alone without my kids. It was a distraction from the emotional intensity I didn’t know how to sit with.

And then there was the pull towards a new relationship. The urge to not be alone. Not because I was ready to give myself to someone, but because loneliness after a long relationship can feel like physical pain. It creates a sense that something needs to be fixed immediately.

It took me years to understand that these were my coping strategies. At the time they just felt like survival. I didn’t have language for it then. I was just moving through it the best way I knew how.

It was only later, when things had settled a bit, that I could start to see the pattern clearly. And even then I didn’t rush the process of working through it. Some of it was too painful to look at head on, so I went slowly. Carefully. A bit at a time.

When you feel ready enough to look at your own coping mechanisms, you also start to see what you’ve been avoiding. For me, that was grief.

The actual grief of the marriage ending, of the future I thought I was going to have disappearing, of the parts of myself that had gotten lost and of the things that hadn’t turned out the way I wanted them to. Both during my marriage and in the rebuilding process after divorce.

I had spent a long time staying busy, staying distracted, staying in stories that made it easier to tolerate. But underneath that there was a lot of feeling I hadn’t really touched.

Eventually, I started to get curious instead of avoidant. I started to notice how quickly I reached for something to numb or escape discomfort.

I started to see how much energy went into not feeling what was actually there. And I started to understand that I couldn’t think my way out of it. I had to actually sit with it. Let it move through.

That’s where things started to change for the better. Slowly and steadily, I began to rebuild trust in myself. In my ability to stay with myself even when things felt overwhelming. Even when I was struggling and didn’t like what I was feeling.

I started to let go of some of the coping strategies that had helped me survive but weren’t helping me anymore, and I began building new ones. Ways of being with myself that didn’t rely on escape or numbing or rewriting reality to make it easier to tolerate.

Over time, that created space. Space for different thoughts and choices about where my life was heading. Some of them really surprised me, they weren’t what I thought I wanted when I was acting from avoidance and survival.

This is what divorce does. It exposes you. It shows you what you’ve been leaning on. It shows you how you’ve been getting through. And then, if you’re willing to look at it, it gives you the chance to start again from somewhere more honest.

Healing from divorce doesn’t unfold in a way that makes sense while you’re in it, but over time it becomes something else. A slow stripping back of old patterns. A slow return to yourself.

And even with all of the difficulty that comes with it, it’s a much more peaceful place to be.

Because once you can see the ways you’ve been coping, you no longer have to be ruled by them. You can stop running from your pain and begin sitting with it instead.

It’s not easy. In many ways, it’s harder. But it’s also where real healing begins. And while it may not lead to a perfect life, it leads to a more honest one. One with more peace, more choice, and a deeper connection to yourself.

Read more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

I’m Carol Madden, a Post-Divorce Life Coach working with women around the world from my online practice.

I work with women who have been divorced for two years or more and thought they’d feel better by now. They’re functioning and getting on with life, but still struggling to let go, heal and move forward in their new post-divorce lives.

I’ve been through divorce myself, and that experience led me to this work. I know what it’s like to look fine on the outside while still carrying grief, guilt, confusion and all the unanswered questions underneath, even several years later.

I also know what it takes to come out the other side and build a life that feels good again.

I help women get to the heart of what’s holding them back, stop looking backwards and find the strength to move forward, even when it feels hard.

Discover me on social media:

You might be interested in

How to Spot if Your Partner is a Narcissist
Image by freepik
//

How to Spot if Your Partner is a Narcissist

Published on
Claire Chisnall
Claire Chisnall Senior Associate Consilia Legal

Abuse in a marriage or civil partnership can take many different forms, such as physical, sexual, financial and emotional. There are many types of emotional abuse, which are also often referred to as psychological abuse, and this is where the form of abuse is much more complex and can be due to one party having challenging personality traits such as narcissism.

Narcissism is often dismissed as a person being selfish, self-centred or self-absorbed, but this form of abuse is much deeper than that, and how a person uses this to manipulate situations and emotions can develop over many years and can be particularly damaging for the person on the receiving end. It is important to point out that not everyone that behaves badly in a relationship is a narcissist, narcissism is much more than poor behaviour this is a pattern of troubling personality traits which we refer to further below. 

What is narcissism?

Fundamentally, narcissism is a mental health condition called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It is a form of emotional manipulation which can stem from deep-rooted insecurities and a lack of self-esteem but manifests itself in many different ways, and sometimes this is not deliberate or intentional on the part of the perpetrator. Hence, a narcissist may be unaware that they are causing emotional strain on their partner, but on the other hand, some narcissists are aware and use their personality disorder to cause emotional harm. The recipient of narcissistic behaviour can feel trapped and helpless because the primary motivation of a narcissist is to have control and to manipulate, whether this is intentional or not.  

Common signs of narcissistic behaviour

Although all narcissists will behave slightly differently, and of course every relationship is different, there are common traits that you may be able to identify as narcissistic behaviour:

  • A sense of self-importance and entitlement
  • Can’t show any empathy or compassion to you as a victim or any friends or family of yours
  • Generally charming to you initially but will often keep up a charming persona to others 
  • Showing excessive affection and wanting constant communications at the start of a relationship, often called love bombing
  • Being jealous and envious of other relationships you might have
  • Displaying arrogance as a form of low self-esteem
  • Preoccupied by status and wealth 
  • Can demonstrate aggressive tendencies as they can’t regulate their emotions properly
  • Very sensitive to criticism of themselves and can’t tolerate imperfections in other people
  • Prone to publicly humiliating you and making a joke out of it 
  • Can be controlling and very manipulative. 

A narcissist will present with more than one of the above traits, and there are differing levels of narcissistic traits, with some being far more challenging and potentially dangerous. There is generally a pattern of behaviour that develops over time which presents itself as a cycle, where one minute your partner can be loving and the next be very dismissive of you, creating a feeling of rejection resulting in you seeking validation from them. This cycle can be very damaging to your self-worth and self-esteem, especially if this been going on over a long period of time. 

How to identify that your partner is a narcissist

Living with a narcissist can be exhausting and it will feel like you are always questioning yourself. It can also result in you developing low self-esteem and this could manifest itself in stress and anxiety where you feel torn between being loyal to your partner and escaping the situation. It is therefore important that you recognise the narcissistic traits in your partner and act on them. Here we have listed typical scenarios you might recognise:

  • Is your partner always seeking praise and admiration from you or other people?
  • Does your partner act like rules or laws don’t apply to them and that they deserve special treatment? Do they feel untouchable, as if they can do no wrong?
  • Do they like to portray a very charming character in public, but you know this is false?
  • Are they unable to take criticism on board?
  • Do they refuse to take responsibility for their actions?
  • Do they become excessive with flattery, gifts and seek commitment early in a relationship? Or after a fall-out?
  • Are they capable of giving you the silent treatment and stonewalling you for hours? 
  • Do they always make themselves centre of a conversation and show open disinterest in talking about you? 
  • Do they make you feel like nothing you do will ever be good enough?
  • Are they incapable of recognising the needs of you or other people? 
  • Do they act impulsively for attention, and show a reckless disregard for the consequences? 
  • Do they try to gaslight you and twist situations, so you feel like you are always in the wrong?  

Some of these traits are common in a partner and can be dismissed as playful or the normal ups and downs of a relationship. But it is very easy for these behaviours to become excessive and for a pattern to form which becomes abusive behaviour. The objective of the narcissist is to have control and to manipulate situations and emotions for their own benefit, and whether this is intentional or not, it is a form of emotional abuse. 

How to deal with a narcissist

Because a narcissist is hypersensitive, you often find yourself treading on eggshells around them and this makes it difficult to discuss the behaviour with them, and in some cases could result in the abuse taking on another form. If you have concerns about the behaviour of your partner and wish to escape the situation, it is important to speak to family and friends and seek their support. There are numerous resources available for those being subjected to an abusive relationship, such as the Domestic Abuse National helpline. You should take professional advice from an experienced family law solicitor, who will explain what your rights are and how you should approach a divorce and separation, or dissolving a civil partnership, if that is the course of action you have chosen.

About Claire Chisnell

Claire Chisnall, Senior Associate in the Family Team at Consilia Legal. Claire is a highly experienced family lawyer with a broad background across all areas of family law and is recognised for securing excellent outcomes for her clients through her calm, pragmatic approach.

You might be interested in

1 2 3 … 8