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dating after divorce

Serial Dating Post-Divorce

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Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Woman’s Holistic Guide to Divorce

It may be tempting to jump into a new serious relationship while on the rebound. Instead, stop and take stock of yourself.

Are you truly recovered from your divorce or do you fear loneliness? It is important to differentiate between being alone and loneliness. One can live alone, yet have a full social life and career.

Fear of being alone can include getting sick without someone around, financial concerns, and not wanting to dine or attend social events alone. Some folks indicated that being married ensures an escort when needed.

It can be daunting to face issues of self and easier to be a mirror of one’s mate. Some see themselves as a fragment and the relationship as a whole. They are not complete unless part of a duo. One can lose the sense of self in relationships which can be a comfort for those who do not want to face their flaws.

A way of not dealing with foibles is to limit the time between relationships. So many people interviewed told stories of family and friends who flit from relationship to relationship. These serial daters were more apt to cancel plans with friends to accommodate their spouses.

Some people go right from college or their parents’ homes into marriage without discovering who they are and what makes them tick. They may be apprehensive about being on their own post-divorce and want to enter into another relationship quickly.

Mabel is one example of this. At 17 she got married and had a baby a year later. Mabel became a young widow after child number two and had adequate support. She quickly became involved with a sociopath and that marriage lasted a little over ten years. Right after her divorce, she met and married a nice fellow. Now widowed in her late seventies, Mabel is unhappy about not being able to find another husband.

Having low expectations can lead to being a doormat. Relationships complement people and are not first aid for low self-esteem.  Do not marry a copy of your former partner, especially when there was abuse.  A life coach or therapist can assist one who feels unloved by family and feels the need to always be in relationships to compensate for this.

Serial Dating – Tips for Those Who Fear Loneliness

  • A quiet flat can compound loneliness. Consider adopting a pet or being a temporary foster parent to a cat or dog.
  • My divorced mum would have the radio or telly on during the evenings. It was like having company without the work.
  • Join MeetUp.com as I did. I am in a Women’s Transition group that meets for lattes, gallery shows and other fun activities. My divorced pal is in the hiking group.
  • Get out and meet people to enlarge your social network. I volunteer one morning a week for a cat rescue group, cleaning cages, feeding and cuddling the cats. Join a book club or other group.
  • Reconnect with old friends. Spend more time with family.
  • Change your work schedule if a certain time of day is more difficult to be home alone.
  • Discover new interests. I took up Tai Chi and Qigong post-divorce.

Wendi Schuller

Author of The Woman’s Holistic Guide to  Divorce

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Gaining Self-Awareness Post-Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller Author of The Woman’s Holistic Guide to Divorce

Before jumping back into the dating pool post-divorce, get a clear sense of self.

Knowing your values and who you are is paramount for personal growth. It does not make sense to get to know another individual if one is confused about their own desires, needs and interests. Take a break after your divorce for personal introspection.

Author Elizabeth Gilbert felt trapped in her Suburban marriage, but was not sure what she wanted out of life. She was cognizant of what she did not care to repeat. Ms. Gilbert went on a yearlong quest to discover herself in the book “Eat, Pray, Love.”  She challenged herself by learning Italian, living on her own in a foreign country, and having new experiences.

Next on the agenda was spending time in India for an inner journey of meditation and self-reflection. Ms. Gilbert faced her problems, accepted her part in the marriage’s demise and obtained wisdom. Gaining clarity in Bali boosted her self-esteem and opened her eyes to what she was seeking in a future relationship. With this self-exploration behind her, Ms. Gilbert was ready to recognize a stellar man with values that aligned with hers. She finally moved on with her life and they later got married.

Learn to recognize your problems so you do not carry them into the next relationship.

self-awarenessTake an inventory of yourself and see what mistakes have turned into valuable life lessons. Discover your strengths and weaknesses to challenge yourself.

One divorced woman who had been fearful and clingy in her marriage, took a trip to Europe by herself. It got her out of her comfort zone and was life-changing. Serena is now independent and self-sufficient, claiming she does not need a partner in order to survive life.

Ask yourself:

  • what adds meaning to your life and brings you joy.
  • Could your hobbies and interests lead to a new life path that increases your fulfilment?
  • Did you live up to your potential in your marriage or is it beneficial to explore different areas of opportunity now?
  • Are you clear about your values and expectations with others?
  • How do you nurture yourself and have fun?
  • What have you learned that you do not want to repeat?
  • Are you pursuing your dreams or were they put on the back burner during your past marriage?

Some people feel writing in a journal helps to bring understanding and answers to their issues. Taking up meditation, yoga or other activities has helped others. Some divorcees have taken tours to exotic locales and discovered new insights. If you seem to be losing yourself in relationships and repeating mistakes then see a life coach or therapist to get you unstuck. Hypnotherapy aids in changing faulty self-beliefs and gaining self-awareness.  I have asked friends for brutal honesty and took their comments to heart. The important thing is to truly know yourself before entering into a new relationship post-divorce.

Wendi Schuller

Author of The Woman’s Holistic Guide to Divorce

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Tips for Moving On Post-Divorce

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When one is caught up in the turmoil of the moment, it is difficult to fathom that situations will get easier down the road. Time really does heal or lessens the divorce trauma now being faced. So many people expressed the same sentiment, “Wish I would have known that things get better.”

“Didn’t Recognize My Ex”

Annette was married for nine years and stated that she could not be herself or reach her full potential. This was compounded by her husband being unfaithful. They mutually decided to part ways and got divorced.

Annette dated “many men” and met Sean eight years post-divorce. He seemed to be “the one” but Annette was cautious and married Sean three years later. They have been blissfully wed for ten years and Annette says it is hard to remember what her life was like previously. She claims that she “can just be me now” and is living life to the fullest.

One morning they were rushing through the airport for an early morning flight. Annette had the strange sensation that someone was intently staring at her from the other side of security and felt uncomfortable. She then saw a man grinning and waving at her. It was only when he called her name that Annette realized that she had not even recognized her ex.

In another example, someone asked Nina about her ex-husband’s current wife, who had been her long-time former friend. Nina could not remember this woman’s name until a day later. Nina is not going down the path of dementia, but rather she has moved on and this couple is no longer on her radar. In other cases, a former partner is a friend and they happily bump into each other at social events.

How Do You Reach This Point of Moving On?

  • Vent your frustrations to friends. If still feeling angry and on edge, then seek out a professional. A divorce coach can give you concrete strategies on how to become unstuck and move on with your life. Join a divorce group for support and learning that you are not alone in your situation.
  • Quit running the movie of your ex in your head. The more you think of her, the more fixated you become. Replace this continuous loop of reruns with visualizations of new opportunities, activities and adventures.
  • Learn Meditation and start practising it for ten minutes a day. This helps to quiet the brain, calm the body and lower blood pressure. Relaxation CDs lead to tranquillity and being able to regroup after stressful proceedings.
  • Discover distractions. Joining groups, learning new skills, or exploring exotic locales changes one’s focus. When one’s brain is concentrating on new material, less time is spent dwelling on the divorce situation. Enlarge your social network by meeting new people such as with MeetUp.com.
  • If it is in your belief system, surrender to a Higher Power. People interviewed said that their faith helped them get through the divorce and forgive themselves, and their former spouses.
  • Get rid of photos, wedding albums and mementoes of your marriage, or store them off your premises. If you kept the house, then donate or sell objects particularly related to your ex. Many said they got rid of the sheets and bought a few new decorations.
  • Remove triggers that remind you of your former partner. Avoid listening to the tunes or frequenting the special spots you did as a duo. Find a tour to a new destination.
  • Acknowledge your loss and recognize that you go through the stages of grief to get to the other side. Suppressing grief can lead to depression or anger issues.

Interviews with people post-divorce indicated that it took an average of a year to move on after divorce. Resist the urge to check social media for your former spouse’s posts and instead, reconnect with old friends.

Wendi Schuller

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visitation and parenting after separation

Children, Divorce and Visitation

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Transitions between parents can be challenging, especially for younger children.

They start to feel settled and then it is time to move back again to the other parent’s place. One’s attitude sets the tone for these exchanges. If you cannot manage to be upbeat, then aim for neutral, without any putdowns or snide remarks.

Do not emulate some mums at my sons’ preschool who appeared to be on the verge of tears when parting. Very young children are already struggling with separation anxiety, so be especially positive.

A neutral drop off place is ideal if it was an acrimonious divorce.  A day care or preschool can be a good choice with toddlers and is easier when both parents have car seats. These exchanges are more upsetting when kids see tense, angry parents trying to interact.

Children do better with set routines such as having consistent bedtimes at both locations. Even better is when mealtimes are in sync too.

The routine starts with packing and getting ready for the transfer. This helps with the mindset that he is leaving one place for the other. There may be a special story told or a goodbye song sung while getting ready to leave. The child might draw a picture to give mum or dad upon seeing them.  My sons had a ritual of saying goodbye to our cats.

Children do not want to feel like visitors, so have them unpack right away. No one cares to live out of a suitcase, so give them their own space. In tight quarters, an empty drawer that only belongs to them is fine.

visitation

Some parents come up with a new welcome back ritual when their children return from visitation. This gives them something to anticipate immediately. It may be that after dad gets the youngsters, they go to Gran’s for supper.

My stepmother had pizza and we watched fun shows on the telly.

I looked forward to this Friday night transition.  Mum might have homemade cookies when the kids get back. The children then transition into a fun, anticipated activity or treat. Upon return, other kids just want to chill out and regroup. They may require their space before starting with an activity or interaction. Give them time and do not bombard them with questions. Respect privacy and do not ask about the visitation.

School children told me that one of the most difficult parts of visitation is the transitions. They wanted to see both parents, just not the going back and forth.

Transitions are easier if your child is calm. Bach’s Flower Rescue Remedy is a fast acting stress reliever that is perfect to give children before visitation to ease the transition. It comes in drops or pastilles form. I gave a tin of pastilles to my younger son to take with him before visitation. He was responsible enough to take the recommended dose and could discreetly pop one in his mouth as needed.

You could also put a few drops in your child’s mouth before leaving. A cup of chamomile tea is relaxing and so is a squirt of lavender facial mist.  My son also likes a shoulder or neck message when he is tense.

If transitions are a big problem then consider seeing a divorce coach. She can determine if longer visitation time with each parent is more beneficial or explore other options. She will interview the child and parents to see if a better plan can be made.

One possibility is that the child is at one parent’s house for a longer time with the other parent picking up the child for part of a day or evening, in between visitations. Often as children get used to switching houses, they become more accustomed to transitions. The children enjoy their special time with each parent.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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life post-divorce

Losing Family Members Post-Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

One would think family members would be supportive during divorce, but that is not always the case.

There are a myriad of reasons for this with one being not wanting to take sides. My mother would often hang up on me when I called during my divorce. She had a summer place, so this necessitated having a girlfriend drive over to her house and tape a note to her door.

My husband and I jointly owned a house with her, so financial discussions were imperative during these proceedings. She wanted to pretend this event was not happening.

Fortunately she gave unconditional love and support to her grandsons. Be forewarned that this could happen to you.

Some relatives may have anger towards you. While they are unsupportive, it does not mean that they are on your spouse’s side. It could be that your divorce elicits painful memories of theirs and they do not want to relive them. Do you have a relative who is just a bitter, mean person? Your divorce is another thing to hold against you.

Remember that this nonsupport and unkindness is their issue. It is something that they are dealing with, even though it can be hurtful for you. In one case there was paternal abuse and the sons had very limited visitation. The grandfather told a crying grandson over the phone, that they were severing ties unless those boys resumed a relationship with their dad.

How do you deal with unsupportive relatives?

One solution is to limit visits to an hour or so once a month, never on a holiday. You might consider meeting in a public place for these. If something rude is said, leave immediately. Decide what you will and will not tolerate and go from there.   It may be best to limit contact to holiday cards in more extreme cases.

I informed my step-mother that in abuse situations it was not therapeutic for children to have close family members stay in contact with the abusive parent.

My sons even told her specific details. I acknowledged that this was her choice either way, however if she stayed in contact with my ex, we would only be able to share superficial aspects of our lives, nothing personal. When she continued to mention that their father was feeling hurt, then we had to pull away and only exchange cards.

One woman’s step-sister resented her intrusion into the family from day one. After this woman’s divorce, the toxic step-sister made a big point of staying in touch with that ex online. Reducing or eliminating contact may be the only option for protecting you and your children.

In a few divorces, family members want to stay in contact, but have obstacles.

After a man divorced his wife, she fell apart and her health condition worsened, requiring intermittent hospital stays. Her pre-teen daughter was at the stage where they start distancing themselves from their parents.

Anne became enamoured with her new glamorous step-mother. This narcissistic woman swept Anne away   as if she were a trophy prize. Meanwhile Anne’s maternal grandparents tried desperately to maintain a relationship with her, but were thwarted by the step-mother and father. I urged them to get a solicitor to help sort out this situation and apparently they chose not to.

They gave up when their daughter died and moved far away. On a happier note, nieces by marriage told their aunt that she was to “get custody” of them in her divorce. That was a sweet way of letting Dana know that they were continuing their relationship with her post-divorce.

You may have a close, loving relationship with your in-laws. In divorce this can change if they feel it is disloyal to their offspring to remain in contact with you. Or the relationship may change to a more casual one.

You can certainly contact your in-laws and let them know you would be happy to bring their grandchildren around from time to time. If your best buddy is your former wife’s brother, then there will be a sense of loss if you are dropped.

Acknowledge your grief. In the vast majority of times, family sticks by the divorcing person. If this is not your case, be reassured that you are not alone and it is not your fault.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

 

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Friendships Change after Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce is a transition which means a change in many aspects of life.  One of these areas is relationships, particularly with friendships.

Divorce is a time to reevaluate these friendships to see if they are still beneficial or have run their course.

Pals that have stuck by you through thick and thin may no longer be as supportive and it is better to not be taken by surprise. If someone is really your friend they will stick around. If they do not, is that a person you really want in your life?

Divorce gets rid of these dead branches and allows new growth (friendships) to appear.

Miranda met someone in her women’s group and they clicked right away. They became close friends and had frequent lunches together.

Carolyn was right there when Miranda had two miscarriages and they later got to know each other’s children. Once in a while their husbands attended birthday and holiday parties. Miranda confided about her stressful marriage and eventual divorce proceedings. Miranda also shared with Carolyn, recently revealed abuse that prevented overnight visitation.  She was shocked and her sons upset when Carolyn stated several times that she loved both Miranda and her ex and would support them both.

In abuse situations, this is not a helpful thing to say to children in therapy or to a longtime friend. Carolyn refused to take sides and that friendship withered away.

People whom you assumed were close, may choose to side with your former partner. Grieve for this loss in your life and then move on.

My ex is Narcissistic and told tales about me in our divorce. I lost some friends due to being portrayed as the villain in this drama. Eventually I felt grateful to the Narcissist for showing me that these people are not worthy of my time or energy.

Another person who has been a mere acquaintance may surprise you and become a good friend.  A divorced acquaintance is now a pal and we sometimes compare notes about our former husbands’ annoying antics.

I feel the understanding and validation from her that I do not receive from my marvellous married chums.  I became closer to some mothers at my child’s school who were recently divorced and gave me stellar advice. We called ourselves members of The First Wives’ Club.

losing friends after divorce
Value the ones that stay in your life…

Friends may distance themselves from you because they do not want to get involved or know what to say.  Mutual friends of you both may fall into this category. Be pleasant when you run into them, but do not suggest going to the pub or out to tea if they seem a bit awkward.

What to do about mutual friends who invite you both to social events?

Miranda asked Carolyn if she had also invited her ex to a holiday party, explaining that she and the boys would then be unable to attend. Miranda would never tell anyone who should be on the guest list, but this was a matter of answering an RSVP question. When Carolyn’s answer was vague, Miranda politely declined this and future invitations until they were no longer issued.

In many cases former spouses can be civil to each other when no abuse or infidelity occurred, and others in their sphere are comfortable around them. A former boss on friendly terms with his ex, enjoys seeing her at functions and they catch up with each other’s news.

Friendship is a two way street. If you feel drained or that you are tip toeing around, then something is not right.

Beware of energy vampires who seem to suck the life right out of you.

I had a longtime friend who was also godmother to my youngest son.  She was divorced and became fixated upon mine, wanting a lot of details. My sons would ask her to talk about something else.

During my divorce, I had trouble getting a house mortgage and was under extreme stress.  This friend disappeared for a few months until I ran into her and asked what had happened. She said that I had snapped at her on the phone (right before moving day) and no one had done that to her before.

It was just about her and nothing about my anxiety. I most likely snapped at anyone who crossed my path, but everyone else gave me some leeway. A year later she dropped out of our lives permanently for no apparent reason. When these friends disappear it can be hard on your children.

Friendships are not static and change regardless of situations. Value the ones that stay in your life and you will meet others in serendipitous ways.

About Wendi

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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losing your identity post-divorce

Losing Your Identity Post-divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller Author of The Global Guide to Divorce

When one’s identity was wrapped around the ex, such as being a doctor’s wife, it is especially challenging to reinvent oneself post-divorce.

Suddenly the role of being the social director for the office staff and charming sidekick at far flung medical conferences is gone. If you owned a business together, you may lose your job in the divorce, particularly if your wife was the solicitor in the law practice and you had another role.

In a divorce, the stay-at-home spouse or one to leave the family business, may get a lump sum for job training.

A new trend in collaborative divorce is to bring a career coach on board to determine how much it would cost to get this career training. Or the career coach may assist in determining alimony if one spouse did not work and now has to start over in the job market.

Mary was married to a plastic surgeon and enjoyed the perks that went along with being a doctor’s wife.

They entertained, went to extravagant parties and took some nice trips.  She appreciated being able to stay home with their children. Mary was in a devastating car accident and underwent months of rehab therapy.

During this time her husband began an affair with his secretary and filed for a divorce before Mary was completely recovered. Mary was blindsided by this and stated that being a doctor’s wife and stay-at-home mum was her whole life.

It took a bit of adjusting not to be part of the medical community anymore and have to seek a part-time job. Mary also changed her volunteer venue from the hospital to another one, in order to avoid her ex and was happier with her new choice. It took over a year for Mary to develop a new life. You are more than a job or spouse of a professional.

Tom was a stay-at-home father for their daughter and money became especially tight when she turned nine. There were after school activities and less of a need for one parent to be home.

Tom just could not give up his identity of house-husband and this was one factor in his divorce. Much to his family’s dismay, he only held a part-time job for a brief time.

He later married a woman who saw herself as the stay-at-home spouse, so this marriage too ended in divorce.  Tom is fixated on his house-husband or stay-at-home parent role and still has not adjusted to a change in identity.

Losing One’s Identity Post-divorceLoss of the “Family Man” identity has been difficult for many men when they no longer see their children 24/7.

Their work mates change their label from “Married Man” into the category of “Single.”

A few men have expressed that they do not see themselves as swinging singles and that their married colleagues have been more distant.

Others have indicated that their father role has contracted when they are not hands on every day. Some divorced men in my community have volunteered with Boy Scouts and other youth programs to transform the father role into mentoring others along with their own children.

Several women have expressed anxiety over losing their housewife identity and sense of structure post-divorce.  They had a daily and weekly routine of tasks and activities and took great pride in running an efficient household.

My older friend was one of these women who felt a bit lost without a schedule, but learned to enjoy having the freedom of not catering to someone else’s needs.

First steps in dealing with loss of identity is to realize that one’s former identity is gone and not coming back. Mourn this change and share these feelings of identity loss with friends.

A support system allows you to vent and points out new opportunities on the horizon. Look at other components within your identity, nurturer, events planner, and so forth to develop them for hobbies, jobs or volunteering.

See what new tasks you can do for a favorite charity, which is fulfilling and can lead to a paid position. Losing my job in divorce, turned out to be a great thing. Discovered that I had been stuck in a rut, and my job post-divorce is an adventure.

Look at your different roles in life, such as aunt, daughter, and volunteer to expand them. Spend more time with family or become a more involved aunt. When you are losing one identity, seek out new ones, by becoming a member in social, book, religious, political or other groups.

The trick is to discover what obstacle is hindering leaving the past behind. Be open to new opportunities and friendships.

Getting through an acrimonious divorce made me stronger and more resilient. Find people and activities that support your newly single status. Uncover your hidden interests and talents that will enrich your life.

Click here for more articles by Wendi Schuller

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

You might be interested in

river rafting

Valentine’s Day Ideas

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Get out of your comfort zone and boost your self-confidence and fitness level.

Challenge yourself to train and complete charity treks and cycling trips over Valentine’s Day.

There are many possibilities such as going to the Rift Valley, Morocco, hiking the Inca Trail, and other exotic locales.  Check charity web sites for these adventures.

Gwen was devastated to be newly single and dreaded being alone. Her adult children were sympathetic, however they had their own lives elsewhere.

A girlfriend told Gwen about a charity trek to Kilimanjaro and the two pals commenced training and hiking together. This trek required a certain amount of pledges to be raised for a charity, so these two were busy asking co-workers, businesses, and family to donate money.

Gwen and Rose bonded with others in similar situations on this trek and made life-long friends.  They felt empowered, fulfilled and loneliness was a thing of the past. Gwen’s children were relieved that she moved on with her life in such a positive way.

Outward Bound has programs in the wilderness with some around Valentine’s Day. Participants “emerge to find out that they can do more than they thought they could.” You leave with a sense of personal growth.

If you want to get out of town before Valentine’s Day or other holidays, check on volunteer trips.  You can assist archeologists on intriguing research right in the UK. Or you can travel to far flung places with volunteer associations. I went to a travel talk by a person who did scuba diving in Australia, counting marine life for Earthwatch.

Some people have done part of a Gap Year for Adults Program post-divorce. There are numerous books, web sites and resources devoted to this subject of doing Gap Year mid-life.

A divorced woman over 50 gave a fascinating slide show about her Gap Year installing and maintaining computers in a rural hospital abroad.  You discover hidden talents and interests when embarking on these new post-divorce adventures.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

You might be interested in

Valentine's Day

The Valentine’s Day Blues

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Facing your first Valentine’s Day during or post-divorce can be like pouring salt into an open wound or a “non-event” as many people disclosed.

You may feel like holing up at home screaming at the world, or out and about as if it were any other day.  Assess your feelings to see which strategies would work best for you.

Those that did not really celebrate Valentine’s Day while married had the easiest time post-divorce.

A few who had been married to doctors that either were too busy, or chose not to commemorate this occasion, did not even remember their first Valentine’s Day when newly divorced.

Kelly has been divorced twice, yet can only recall recent ones. People who had the most difficult time when newly single, were the ones who had been wined and dined on this holiday. This would be the time to start inventing new Valentine’s traditions that are special for you.

Some friends have said that their children have been a happy distraction on Valentine’s Day post-divorce.  They have a special dinner and play games or watch a movie.  They stated that it is difficult to feel lonely or “poor me” when busy with youngsters.

Endear yourself to friends by offering to babysit their little tykes on this night.  Invite your niece over for a pajama pizza party and show chick flicks. Veronica had a full-blown party for her young son and his buddies on her first post-divorce Valentine’s Evening with yummy food, fun activities and luscious treats.

She was having a great time and was too busy being hostess, to dwell upon any sad thoughts. This is still Veronica’s best Valentine’s Day.

Valentine's day bluesAfter Benny’s breakup, he discovered the community table at his upscale natural grocery store and spends his holidays there.

They have a salad bar and gourmet food that can be eaten on the premises with lattes.  He enjoys the camaraderie especially during a holiday and now shuns invitations from his married friends.

Erin went to her country club solo for her first post-divorce Valentine’s Day dinner. She forgot that the country club’s clientele was mainly married, so was the only diner at the single’s table. She left quickly.

Erin suggests going to a restaurant’s community table on Valentine’s Day since the patrons would mostly be single. She said these gatherings sometimes become a party, and recalls one couple who met at a restaurant’s singles’ table and now are happily married.

Pamper yourself with a luxurious facial of massage on this day. Or apply a facial mask at home while reading the latest Swedish mystery.

Indulge in chocolate which contains the neurotransmitter serotonin that amps up your good mood. Lottie put on a movie which has some male jerks in it and made sarcastic comments throughout the film. That was therapeutic for her and she felt much better afterwards.  She also cooked a scrumptious dinner for herself and her dog. A favorite movie is “The First Wives’ Club.”

You may feel like getting away and avoiding Valentine’s Day completely.  If you have other single friends then a spa weekend or camping could be just the ticket. Experience new sights with other travelers as part of a group tour.

This is  off season for many destinations, so it can be an affordable choice. You could volunteer with an organization, such as Earthwatch. They have trips around the globe helping people, animals and the environment. Volunteer in your hometown and brighten up someone’s day.

Emma feels taking a hike on Valentine’s Day is healthy and boosts people’s moods.  Just taking a walk and being in nature will help you feel happier.

Some churches and other organizations have singles’ groups which may have events on Valentine’s Day.

Whether one is home or on the road, MeetUp.com can help unite people who may want to get together.  Remember that time really does heal wounds and you will feel better down the road.  It is hard to think ahead into the future when your heart is broken or you feel lonely.

One friend who was blindsided by her divorce years ago, happily introduced me to her fiancé recently.

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ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

You might be interested in

Coping with Divorce – Instead of Self-Medicating…

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Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Self-medicating is an unhealthy way of dealing with acute stress and people shared how they survived divorce and beyond without hitting the bottle.

Gardening is what got Aiden through a tough divorce situation, and is a wonderful way to center oneself by taking care of plants.

They depend upon you, giving purpose and focus with a daily routine to your life. Aiden looks forward to and is rewarded by vibrant flowers and organic vegetables.  He has a connection to others by sharing his bounty.

Jane got in a singles group post-divorce with both genders to meet a variety of people for friendships. She also joined a women’s group since many others had relationship woes and understood what she was experiencing. They have been in similar situations and can impart their insights.

Lastly, Jane became a member of a divorce group who discussed the specific aspects of this situation, such as visitation and in-laws.  Jane felt these three types of groups gave her an outlet for dealing with divorce rather than by heavy drinking.

Marlie said during a stressful time, a bottle of wine calls out to her. She avoids temptation by bolting out of the house for a latte or manicure, a way of nurturing herself without the booze. Marlie stated that she would still have to face the problem the next morning and would rather do so without a hangover and headache.

Polling people provided more tips to avoid self- medicating, such as by subscribing to a web site that sends positive quotes and affirmations your way. Katy endured an acrimonious divorce by “going to a place away from everyone to get centered.” This was in a quiet room in her house or in nature which instilled clarity and calmness for subsequent court dates.  Ethan adopted a cat right after his divorce for companionship to prevent loneliness. He now volunteers with a cat rescue organization.

If still feeling the desire to self-medicate, then seek medical assistance. A course of anti- depressants may be helpful with therapy.  Remember chocolate does wonders for boosting one’s mood.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

You might be interested in

Pitfalls of Self-Medication

Pitfalls of Self-Medication

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Do not fall into the trap of self-medicating to alleviate the emotional pain of divorce.

It does not eliminate the past; it just postpones it in a destructive way.  it does not allow you to clearly and deeply process and release these emotions.  Taking illicit drugs, alcohol or too much prescription medication is detrimental to your body, spirit and those around you.

Cathy was happily married, with a young daughter, and building a dream house with her husband.  They regularly entertained, rode horses, did community service and had a great life.

Cathy had overcome a drinking problem in the past and was a fragile person who felt life’s blows acutely.  Her husband took some business trips out of state and met a married woman in his line of work.  This woman previously had an affair and then divorced her husband to marry her lover.  Cathy received a phone call from the other woman’s husband when their spouses were having an affair.  Cathy could not cope and began a downward spiral with alcohol.

Cathy’s husband divorced her and married another woman, who moved into the dream house.  The couple deviously campaigned to obtain full custody of the daughter and were successful, partly due to Cathy’s increased drinking.

Cathy’s parents helped tremendously, but still, she had a breakdown and was put on medication. This drama continued, culminating when the new wife refused to let the daughter call her mother on Mother’s Day.  By now the daughter was older and possibly could have called her mother surreptitiously.

A few days later, Cathy took an unintentional overdose of prescription medication, compounded by alcohol, and died.

Enjoying a margarita with the girls, or having a glass of wine while watching a chick flick, is not self-medication.  Drinking because one cannot deal with the pain of life’s problems.  Be careful to take prescription medication only as directed and do not mix it with alcohol…

…It is not worth giving your husband ammunition in a custody battle, by drinking or taking drugs.  You do not know when a surprise drug test may be ordered by the court if there are rumours of usage.  You are teaching your children a crucial life skill when you constructively deal with your problems.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

You might be interested in

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Why Forgive?

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Forgiving your ex can seem like a daunting task that has no merit for you. So why do it?

Webster’s Dictionary defines forgiving as “ceasing to feel resentment towards an offender”. Holding on to this resentment is a way to stay attached to your ex. Forgiveness is a way to sever these binding ties.

To start my forgiveness process, I imagined my ex with having strings around him like a marionette.

I then visualized giant scissors cutting through all of these strings until no more remained. I felt like a burden had been lifted from me and it was easier not to want any ties of resentment to attach me to him again.  Forgiveness is not about the other person, but rather about you.

You do not even have to tell anyone that you forgave your former spouse.

Holding on to a grudge, whether it is your spouse or an in-law, is detrimental to your health, such as by increasing your blood pressure.

Muscles tighten, restricting blood flow and oxygenation which in turn leads to headaches and worsening chronic pain. The esteemed Dr. Carl Simonton of the Simonton Cancer Center in California, stated that not practising forgiveness can lead to an “increased risk for cancer.”  Is your anger towards your former spouse worth all this?

During divorces, some people write a long letter regarding their anger and disappointment in their spouse.

They spilt their vitriol onto the pages and were amazed when they felt so much lighter afterwards. Destroy and do not send it.  The experience of writing that letter can lead to the path of forgiveness and healing.

I found a note in the bathroom stating my spouse was leaving me and I was fired from our small, jointly owned business.

In the space of seconds, I went from having a spouse and being employed to feeling like I was standing on the edge of a deep abyss.  I had to admit, and then process my shock first before I could even think of moving on.

My two sons and I were going out of town that morning and their father was leaving on a business trip.  My older son saw the note and wanted to continue with our trip plans for the long weekend.  I walked around Disneyland alternating between shock and euphoria.  After a week, I hired an attorney to start divorce proceedings.

Marie was bitter for decades after her divorce and held much resentment towards her former husband.  Her daughter married a similar type of man, so it was no surprise when she later got divorced too. Marie saw her own situation in her daughter’s and had a massive heart attack a year after her daughter’s divorce. A stroke followed and then a burial.  The daughter fortunately had decided to forgive her spouse during her divorce to avoid her mother’s complications. Sometimes even a bad example can spur us on to take a prudent path in our lives.

If you are having a difficult time forgiving, then talk to a therapist, life coach or your clergy.  They can help you to become unstuck and clear up any faulty thinking. What also helped me was writing positive affirmations on coloured index cards about forgiveness and other issues.

Author Catherine Ponder has a selection of excellent positive affirmations in her books. One that I used was “I now fully forgive everyone including myself. I let go and everybody who is not part of my Divine plan is no longer part of my life. I am free of resentment from my past and present.” I said variations of this every day.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

You might be interested in

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