single parent holidays - Page 3

I will be one of those grey divorcees in a few months. Our children are grown and they are having difficulty with this new phase in our family life. I have a few good years left. I desperately wanted to live some new experiences. My marriage was more convenience than comfort. We married young, had a family who grew up and then we were alone together in our home.  I have felt like I was living a half-life for years.  I am also worried about my grandchildren. Will they understand?  

You have already made some decisions and seem solidly committed to them.

A divorce at this time of life affects a family just as much as at any other time. Only, as you have suggested, there are more people involved, namely grandchildren.

Your children deserve some type of explanation. Without being too negative, they need to understand how you are feeling and why. Telling them will also help clarify your feelings.

Each time we tell ‘our story’ it becomes more solid in our own mind. It’s a delicate balance, aim for the truth without oversharing. You do not want your children taking sides. That will only create more family grief. Be mindful of their hurt as you proceed.

It has been my experience that it is never easy for children to see their parents’ divorce, not matter what their age.

You are no doubt feeling buoyant at the possibilities before you. Remember that although you have been thinking about this for some time, chances are the people in your immediate family will be caught by surprise. This is in part due to our tendency to always put on a brave face and hide those emotions under the surface.

Grandchildren are one generation removed and will probably be a bit more accepting of any new circumstances as long as they see you both as they have done.  Ensure they do not get swept up in the divorce drama. They will ask questions and answer them honestly again without oversharing. Divorce is common in their world in that they probably have friends who have divorce in their lives in some way.

From what you have written it seems there was nothing traumatic that triggered this separation. It was more apathy that became unbearable. If your soon to be ex-husband does not exactly share your feelings that give him the understanding he deserves. He has been there through the family years with you. Aim for amicable without animosity.

Are you certain of what you want for a future? Would a trial separation if your ex-husband is agreeable be a better step? These are questions only you can answer.

Among the many things to consider- what you are willing to do in terms of family gatherings. Do you want to include your former spouse in family events where you are present? With the holidays coming are you and your family comfortable being altogether?

There may be some unforeseen sacrifices ahead. Trusted people you thought you could count on might find it difficult supporting your choice. Finances might be another obstacle as your assets are divided.

The initial stage will be the most difficult for everyone. Life will eventually settle into its new configuration and your family and friends will adjust.

It is a bold step but will be worth it if you can achieve the life you want along with respecting the people affected by your choices.

Please Read our Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. Linda is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

My former mother-in-law sees our children regularly. We never got along even before the divorce. She criticized me constantly. I could never do anything right including be a husband to her daughter. I know she has a right to visit her grandchildren but I don’t know how to handle this situation. The holidays are coming and I will be seeing my kids. I feel like I need to defend myself with them.

There is no more difficult task than meshing the old and the new after divorce.

She is not your mother-in-law anymore but she is a constant reminder of your former life. However, she has no control over you now. The family relationship has ended. The dynamic has changed.

Your former mother-in-law is still the children’s grandmother. If their relationship is positive in spite of the divorce then all you can do is accept that.

Your children have a different perspective because she is still their grandmother. Chances are they probably only view her as ‘granny’ and that is enough for them.

When a relationship like this is tainted the biggest challenge is to distance ourselves from it. Limit any discussion of ‘granny’ with your children. If it comes up in conversation then you can ask if they enjoyed their visit and keep any other discussion about granny minimal.

Ensure that their visits with you do not include any expectation to carry tales back and forth. Often children get caught in that. It can even happen quite by accident if they inadvertently offer information.  It’s a delicate balance to stay focused on other things even for an adult. Be mindful of conversation drifting to negative comments and gently change the subject.

If any previous visits with granny have been upsetting for any reason then there is nothing wrong with checking in with them that everything is OK.

If anything is said by your children that needs addressing then keep it simple. If it requires a discussion with your Ex-wife then do so when your children are not around. Express your opinion or request without acrimony and listen to what she says. Second and third hand stories can get very distorted.

One of the most difficult tasks in our post -divorce life is letting go of emotional connection.  Buttons are so easily pushed after going through the turmoil of divorce. Your former mother-in-law’s attitude toward you is really a part of your past and distancing yourself from her criticisms should be a goal.

It’s not easy to put aside the hurt and anger but children want nothing more than things to feel normal. They have been witness too many upsetting events and need love and support from every family member willing to give it to them including their grandmother.

Life after divorce is difficult enough without the turmoil being extended into your children’s lives. If there is reason to see her this holiday and it is a challenge to be friendly with her then opt for neutral.

We can only engage in arguments and anger if the participant is willing. Limit face to face time and keep any communication minimal. You are dealing with many emotions and need to look after yourself as well.

Focus on your relationship with your children. Actions speak louder than words in spite of what might have been previously said or they overheard.

Keep your relationship and visits with them positive. It is through those visits and your actions that your children will see you for you in your post-divorce life.

Please Read our Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

I have a new girlfriend and nobody knows about her yet including my Ex-wife and my kids. I am afraid to tell them about her. She is a bit odd and quirky, tats and piercings but wonderful, kind and caring. Everyone in my family is very traditional and I am afraid of what they might say to her. Christmas is coming and I want to see my kids and I want to include her. The kids are very close to their mother. What should I do?

I think you know that you need to tell your family soon.

Christmas is only a few weeks away. Have you asked yourself why you have kept this a secret so far?

Your secrecy and hesitancy can set up unwanted suspicions which can add tension to the discussions you need to have with your family. Any divorce challenges the ability to trust between family members.

Everyone will need to adjust to this new family configuration.

Children are a long time giving up hope of their parent’s reconciliation so introducing a new girlfriend needs to be done with care and compassion.

There’s still some time until the holiday. Plan to tell them very soon and arrange a meeting for your children before the holidays begin. Holidays are emotionally charged at any time but post-divorce you are re-framing a family tradition.

Begin with telling your ex-wife. She should be given that courtesy.

In any divorce there’s already been enough emotional pain. Everyone benefits if you can reach a level of decency and respect. Your new relationship will impact the family as your children will be spending time with you and her. She should not have to hear the news second hand.

Plan what you will say. Speak to her directly either in person or on the phone. Keep the message simple. You have a new girlfriend and some might find her appearance a little different.

Be matter of fact as body art is relatively common and perhaps you are being overly sensitive to what your family might think.

A conversation between you and your children should be next. Be open and honest. Although your girlfriend has probably experienced it before, children are naturally curious and may ask questions about her appearance when they first meet her.

Give your children a few ground rules beforehand. Remind them about their manners. As long as everyone remains polite, the stories about her body art might be good conversation starters. Plan a short, first get together in a neutral place and limit the PDA’s on the first meeting with your kids.

Your children love both their parents. Divorce is a child’s worst fear. Introducing a new girlfriend is another big step. Being mindful of their sensitivities will help alleviate any awkward moments. They could well worry that a new girlfriend displaces them in your world and will need assurance that your relationship with them will not change.

With kindness and consideration the holiday can work for everyone. However, as this relationship is so very new, your children will probably want to be with you alone for some of it. They need time adjusting to sharing you with her.

You want this holiday in its various configurations to work out well for everyone. Finding an equitable balance in that time spent together is the best chance for success.

Whatever it is that you need help, advice or support  with contact Linda at letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk.  We will never print your name nor email.

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.