I would really like to get into the dating scene again but I am so embarrassed about the reasons for my divorce. I am just not ready for new people to know why we divorced. I’m lonely and afraid of being thought of as stupid to allow what happened to happen. Help!
There are many that know exactly how you feel.
When we have been deceived – our trust betrayed- in any way within our primary relationship then self -doubt and embarrassment are constant companions.
We blame ourselves for being too complacent and trusting too readily. Who goes into a marriage thinking there will come a time when you can’t trust the person you’ve married?
Remember- If we give our best to our significant other and don’t get it in return then – who should be embarrassed?
First you need to assess if you are ready to date again.
Quite often first time daters after a divorce are not ready. Starting too soon is just setting yourself up for missteps.
A good place to start is new friendships. New friendships can be found in a variety of ways.
If you decide to use an online dating site declare that you are only seeking friendship at this time. Don’t be afraid to be honest. You’d expect the same from a potential date.
There will be lots of people on the site feeling exactly the same way you can be sure. You also have to decide what the boundaries and parameters of the relationship will be at the friendship level as well.
Find a group that is connected to an interest you have or take a course that interests you. Like-minded people make great friends.
Make a point of spending very little conversation time on being divorced. That way there is less opportunity to be asked questions you don’t want to answer.
You will be asked why you divorced so plan an answer in advance. Come up with an answer that is honest without being forthcoming on details. You were sad it ended but things did not work out for us is an example and then subtly move on to another topic.
It’s been my experience that most people are really not that interested in details and we can wear out those new friendships with our divorce story.
We lived it and were immersed in the details- but others, particularly new friends, know you as you today and not as the person married to someone. It really is a good mental exercise to talk about things other than the divorce.
You will reach a day where your life and conversations are far more than the details of your divorce. Take your time and appreciate the opportunities with this new chapter in your life. Don’t rule out the possibility of a friendship turning into something more in the future.
To the right person, your reasons for divorce will be a non- issue. It will be about the two of you and the future you decide to build together.
Whatever it is that you need help, advice or support with contact Linda at firstname.lastname@example.org. We will never print your name nor email.
ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON
I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl
Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.
As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.
She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.
She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’
In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.
She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.
She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.