letters to linda - Page 4

I will be one of those grey divorcees in a few months. Our children are grown and they are having difficulty with this new phase in our family life. I have a few good years left. I desperately wanted to live some new experiences. My marriage was more convenience than comfort. We married young, had a family who grew up and then we were alone together in our home.  I have felt like I was living a half-life for years.  I am also worried about my grandchildren. Will they understand?  

You have already made some decisions and seem solidly committed to them.

A divorce at this time of life affects a family just as much as at any other time. Only, as you have suggested, there are more people involved, namely grandchildren.

Your children deserve some type of explanation. Without being too negative, they need to understand how you are feeling and why. Telling them will also help clarify your feelings.

Each time we tell ‘our story’ it becomes more solid in our own mind. It’s a delicate balance, aim for the truth without oversharing. You do not want your children taking sides. That will only create more family grief. Be mindful of their hurt as you proceed.

It has been my experience that it is never easy for children to see their parents’ divorce, not matter what their age.

You are no doubt feeling buoyant at the possibilities before you. Remember that although you have been thinking about this for some time, chances are the people in your immediate family will be caught by surprise. This is in part due to our tendency to always put on a brave face and hide those emotions under the surface.

Grandchildren are one generation removed and will probably be a bit more accepting of any new circumstances as long as they see you both as they have done.  Ensure they do not get swept up in the divorce drama. They will ask questions and answer them honestly again without oversharing. Divorce is common in their world in that they probably have friends who have divorce in their lives in some way.

From what you have written it seems there was nothing traumatic that triggered this separation. It was more apathy that became unbearable. If your soon to be ex-husband does not exactly share your feelings that give him the understanding he deserves. He has been there through the family years with you. Aim for amicable without animosity.

Are you certain of what you want for a future? Would a trial separation if your ex-husband is agreeable be a better step? These are questions only you can answer.

Among the many things to consider- what you are willing to do in terms of family gatherings. Do you want to include your former spouse in family events where you are present? With the holidays coming are you and your family comfortable being altogether?

There may be some unforeseen sacrifices ahead. Trusted people you thought you could count on might find it difficult supporting your choice. Finances might be another obstacle as your assets are divided.

The initial stage will be the most difficult for everyone. Life will eventually settle into its new configuration and your family and friends will adjust.

It is a bold step but will be worth it if you can achieve the life you want along with respecting the people affected by your choices.

Please Read our Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. Linda is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

My former mother-in-law sees our children regularly. We never got along even before the divorce. She criticized me constantly. I could never do anything right including be a husband to her daughter. I know she has a right to visit her grandchildren but I don’t know how to handle this situation. The holidays are coming and I will be seeing my kids. I feel like I need to defend myself with them.

There is no more difficult task than meshing the old and the new after divorce.

She is not your mother-in-law anymore but she is a constant reminder of your former life. However, she has no control over you now. The family relationship has ended. The dynamic has changed.

Your former mother-in-law is still the children’s grandmother. If their relationship is positive in spite of the divorce then all you can do is accept that.

Your children have a different perspective because she is still their grandmother. Chances are they probably only view her as ‘granny’ and that is enough for them.

When a relationship like this is tainted the biggest challenge is to distance ourselves from it. Limit any discussion of ‘granny’ with your children. If it comes up in conversation then you can ask if they enjoyed their visit and keep any other discussion about granny minimal.

Ensure that their visits with you do not include any expectation to carry tales back and forth. Often children get caught in that. It can even happen quite by accident if they inadvertently offer information.  It’s a delicate balance to stay focused on other things even for an adult. Be mindful of conversation drifting to negative comments and gently change the subject.

If any previous visits with granny have been upsetting for any reason then there is nothing wrong with checking in with them that everything is OK.

If anything is said by your children that needs addressing then keep it simple. If it requires a discussion with your Ex-wife then do so when your children are not around. Express your opinion or request without acrimony and listen to what she says. Second and third hand stories can get very distorted.

One of the most difficult tasks in our post -divorce life is letting go of emotional connection.  Buttons are so easily pushed after going through the turmoil of divorce. Your former mother-in-law’s attitude toward you is really a part of your past and distancing yourself from her criticisms should be a goal.

It’s not easy to put aside the hurt and anger but children want nothing more than things to feel normal. They have been witness too many upsetting events and need love and support from every family member willing to give it to them including their grandmother.

Life after divorce is difficult enough without the turmoil being extended into your children’s lives. If there is reason to see her this holiday and it is a challenge to be friendly with her then opt for neutral.

We can only engage in arguments and anger if the participant is willing. Limit face to face time and keep any communication minimal. You are dealing with many emotions and need to look after yourself as well.

Focus on your relationship with your children. Actions speak louder than words in spite of what might have been previously said or they overheard.

Keep your relationship and visits with them positive. It is through those visits and your actions that your children will see you for you in your post-divorce life.

Please Read our Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

What should I do if I realise my husband is too good for me but I can’t stop being horrible to him? He’s just left me and I don’t blame him, he’ll have such a better life on his own.

To begin, by writing you’ve proven two things. You are able to identify a negative behaviour and then you had the courage to write and express your fears.

A perceived flaw in our character does not mean everything about us is bad.

Everyone has things about themselves they have to work on every day. We are only making assumptions if we think someone’s life is better without us.

Another positive in what you’ve written is that expressing this guilt for your behaviour suggests remorse. That is a very good sign.

Remorse can be the first step to changing behaviour. Remorse means you don’t like viewing yourself as ‘horrible’ and inside you there is a desire for change.

You are capable of this introspection so what you need to do now is consider how you can change these behaviours as you move into your future. Remember that these are behaviours- personal choices made in certain circumstances and not the sum total of your character.

We all have things we’d like to revisit but the past is just that –the past.

Just because you treated your husband as you did does not mean that has to be what happens in the future.

You say he will have a better life but has he said that? Perhaps the greatest critic in life is ourselves and our self-esteem is the target.

Is this separation temporary and you want to consider reconciliation at some point in the future? If that is possible then you need to review a few things.

What are the triggers that create those ‘horrible’ times? Determining beforehand what it is that prompts your behaviour is a step toward self-control.

This might be something for you to explore with a counselor. Anger is hardly ever about the other person involved but more about an inner struggle with loss of some personal control.

How we relate to others- what kind of relationships we have begins with understanding how our past links to present day behaviours and a counselor can help you make those connections.

We all live with baggage from our past. I know from personal experience that with the help of a professional we can deal with it and change.

For the immediate, look at ways to exercise self-control. If reconciliation is a possibility then do this gradually.

Spend time together doing things you’ve both enjoyed and talk about what went wrong. The goal is to understand and learn from what has happened.

One of the mistakes made in many conversations is that we forget to listen.

We are too busy thinking about what we want to say and miss what the other person is saying. Or we try to put words in their mouth. Active listening requires eye contact and your full attention.

When you talk with your Ex remember to enter those conversations with an open mind and pack away any assumptions.

If reconciliation is not an option then you need to decide the shape of your future relationship with your Ex-husband. If there are children then there will be some interaction.

Again this is where identifying the triggers that led to the difficult times will be helpful. As well, those meaningful conversations with him will help you both accept the past, reach a level of civility and move on. It is never too late to be decent in your dealings with him.

Change in behaviour takes time. Acknowledging past behaviour is the first step to making changes. Decide what you want in your future, commit to those better personal choices and celebrate every victory.

Whatever it is that you need help, advice or support  with contact Linda at letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk.  We will never print your name nor email.

Please Read our Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

I have a new girlfriend and nobody knows about her yet including my Ex-wife and my kids. I am afraid to tell them about her. She is a bit odd and quirky, tats and piercings but wonderful, kind and caring. Everyone in my family is very traditional and I am afraid of what they might say to her. Christmas is coming and I want to see my kids and I want to include her. The kids are very close to their mother. What should I do?

I think you know that you need to tell your family soon.

Christmas is only a few weeks away. Have you asked yourself why you have kept this a secret so far?

Your secrecy and hesitancy can set up unwanted suspicions which can add tension to the discussions you need to have with your family. Any divorce challenges the ability to trust between family members.

Everyone will need to adjust to this new family configuration.

Children are a long time giving up hope of their parent’s reconciliation so introducing a new girlfriend needs to be done with care and compassion.

There’s still some time until the holiday. Plan to tell them very soon and arrange a meeting for your children before the holidays begin. Holidays are emotionally charged at any time but post-divorce you are re-framing a family tradition.

Begin with telling your ex-wife. She should be given that courtesy.

In any divorce there’s already been enough emotional pain. Everyone benefits if you can reach a level of decency and respect. Your new relationship will impact the family as your children will be spending time with you and her. She should not have to hear the news second hand.

Plan what you will say. Speak to her directly either in person or on the phone. Keep the message simple. You have a new girlfriend and some might find her appearance a little different.

Be matter of fact as body art is relatively common and perhaps you are being overly sensitive to what your family might think.

A conversation between you and your children should be next. Be open and honest. Although your girlfriend has probably experienced it before, children are naturally curious and may ask questions about her appearance when they first meet her.

Give your children a few ground rules beforehand. Remind them about their manners. As long as everyone remains polite, the stories about her body art might be good conversation starters. Plan a short, first get together in a neutral place and limit the PDA’s on the first meeting with your kids.

Your children love both their parents. Divorce is a child’s worst fear. Introducing a new girlfriend is another big step. Being mindful of their sensitivities will help alleviate any awkward moments. They could well worry that a new girlfriend displaces them in your world and will need assurance that your relationship with them will not change.

With kindness and consideration the holiday can work for everyone. However, as this relationship is so very new, your children will probably want to be with you alone for some of it. They need time adjusting to sharing you with her.

You want this holiday in its various configurations to work out well for everyone. Finding an equitable balance in that time spent together is the best chance for success.

Whatever it is that you need help, advice or support  with contact Linda at letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk.  We will never print your name nor email.

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

Dear Linda,

My Ex wants to be friends again. She left very suddenly two years ago and hasn’t seen our teenaged daughters until recently. She told me she misses me but doesn’t want to be married anymore. I have been torn up trying to do my job and look after our kids. I am so angry but our daughters have missed their mother. They want to see her. How can I ever put what has happened behind me?

Your daughters are very fortunate. Keeping family life together after a trauma like that requires enormous strength. You did what was important for your children.

There can be any number of reasons why a spouse suddenly leaves. You don’t mention why she left. Her leaving so abruptly seriously erodes any trust your family might have had and that is something that needs to be discussed with your daughters.

Your daughters are old enough to make their own decisions in this situation. They are willing to see her but there is always the possibility she may disappear abruptly again. As long as they are mindful of that possibility then be supportive. She is their mother. Without being intrusive, check in with them to make sure that they are comfortable with their visits.

What you decide about a friendship is within your control. You have options. What will make you most comfortable? You can be cordial for the sake of your daughters. Does she want you as a confidant at the level of relationship you had when married? It is your decision how much you are willing to invest in the relationship.

As well, friendship is a two way street. Can you see your former wife as a trusted friend? You need to determine how you feel about being friends and what that would entail. Was their balance in your relationship prior to the breakup?

Whatever you decide should be clearly explained. Define the level of friendship you are willing to commit. Remember that often we don’t ‘hear’ everything that is said to us in the first go round. It may take awhile for both of you to grasp how this new level of knowing each other will work.

The other option is that you do not have to be friends with her. You can be cordial for the sake of your daughters. Somewhere down the road you might feel it is possible to have a stronger friendship. Leave that option open.

Anything is possible in today’s world but the most important aspect of all of this is whether it works for you.  You make the choice about what feels right for you.

For now, support your daughters, and allow then to rebuild their relationship with their mother. Look after yourself.

Whatever it is that you need help, advice or support  with contact Linda at letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk.  We will never print your name nor email.

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

Dear Linda

I am engaged to a woman who has not yet divorced her former husband. We have been together several years and have a two year old son. Her children from the former marriage live with us as their father has been dealing with drug and alcohol addictions. He is creating a number of problems in the divorce proceedings. The children are angry at him and the world. I am angry and frustrated and my fiancé feels guilty and responsible for all the stress. How can I manoeuvre the next few months and get through to our wedding?

That’s a lot of reasons to feel angry and frustrated. First and foremost you need to take care of yourself. You are expected to be a support to your fiancé, parent your step children and parent your own child. These are very personal and emotional expectations.

Are the divorce demands going to escalate? Would mediation help? You can ask your fiancé’s lawyer about how to mitigate the problems that have arisen. Guilt is a part of the divorce process no matter what the circumstances. Resolving the divorce problems will help resolve some of that guilt.

Next you need to ask yourself if the wedding should go ahead in a few months or could you wait until there is less stress in your family. If there are reasons that you want to be married straight away after the divorce then perhaps have a short ceremony and plan a celebration with family and friends when life is more settled. Your special day should be filled with happiness.

Are your step children feeling positive about the marriage? They live with you but they are ‘angry and frustrated’. Is that solely because of their father’s problems or are there other things bothering them?

A child deals with problems from a child’s perspective. They do not have adult coping skills. At any age, anger is often an outward expression over the loss of personal control. Your step children have watched as their own family unraveled and now there is most likely a fear of what the future might bring with this new family makeup. They are probably worried about their own father as well as their place in the family.

Understanding that there are reasons for the anger, frustration, and guilt will help you cope and be a support to your family.

A children’s counselor can be very helpful. A counselor is an objective third party and a good one will help your step children develop strategies to deal with their anger. As much as we parents try to help and counsel our children, sometimes what they really need is an impartial perspective.

The following link provides information about children’s mental health issues and counseling options.

http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/childrelatedissues.html

Whatever it is that you need help, advice or support  with contact Linda at letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk.  We will never print your name nor email.

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA CAN BE FOUND HERE

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

Dear Linda

“My ex has been seriously bad mouthing me in front of the children and it’s starting to affect my relationship with them.  They are now starting to say they don’t want to come over to mine and when they are here, they are rude and refuse to do as I ask.  I have tried to talk to my ex about this via text, email and verbally but nothing seems to work and if anything, it just makes it even worse. How can I get her to stop?”

A fire only burns if it has tinder and kindling to start it.

Anger is the fire that needs to be tamed in this situation. Retaliation makes this whole painful situation worse. Your children are hurting because their world has been upended.

Oversharing with children during separation and divorce is a mistake made by many.

Too often children unintentionally become the conduit to carry anger back and forth between two parents separating. When your children talk about what your former spouse is saying, firmly but kindly tell them you do not want to know what is being said because quite often messages get mixed by retelling.

What your children really need right now is consistency, security and calm. Be their parent at every opportunity and deal with their loss as opposed to the issues between you and your former spouse.

If they refuse an invitation to visit then offer alternatives, something shorter like lunch out together or another activity you know they would enjoy.

Win their trust back. If they are rude to you, tell them that is disrespectful in a matter of fact manner and carry on the conversation. Finding that place of calm will help move the family forward.

As for your former spouse, texting is by far the worst form of communication because those cryptic words can so readily be misinterpreted. Instead plan a chat with your former spouse when you feel you can be even-tempered. Set some clear goals for the discussion.

Let the focus of the conversation be your shared commitment to do what is best for your children.

Children feel powerless and fearful during divorce proceedings. Angry parents can lose sight of that. The damage done to children during this time of marriage breakdown can be far reaching.

Moving beyond the pain and anger, as difficult as that may be, is the very best way forward for your children.

There is no quick fix. It will take time to reach the new normal of family life. I would recommend reading A Father’s Thoughts For His Son On Divorce and Co-Parenting. This father poignantly describes setting aside the pain of marital breakdown for the benefit of their child.

Contact Linda

If you have a problem contact Linda by emailing her at letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk

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About Linda Simpson