letters to linda - Page 5

Has your personal life been upended as the result of a marriage breakup? Are you longing to get beyond the painful dazed and confused feeling that surrounds you? There is a path forward to your divorce recovery.

I know this to be true because I have felt that pain and uncertainty. Decades after a very traumatic divorce, I have survived and thrived. Now I am focused on my work as a social-emotional learning coach helping others find their divorce recovery.

This personal guide will be your helping hand as you put your new life together.

What is Social-Emotional Learning?

Social-Emotional Learning (SEL) includes:

Self-Awareness + Self-Management + Responsible Decision-Making +

Relationship Skills + Social Awareness = a skill set that helps us to better understand our emotional self.

Why SEL?

SEL is a blueprint for living and nowhere is it more useful than in divorce recovery. Why?  Divorce is one of the most intense emotional experiences you will ever have in life. It challenges your self-identity.

With SEL skills you can reclaim the person that might have got lost in the lead up to the divorce.   Social-emotional learning (SEL) skills can be your pathway to divorce recovery.

How does this guide work?

Beginning with self-awareness this series will offer an organized healing path forward.  Through journaling your response to thoughtful questions and observations, the goal will be to gain a greater sense of self. So often, there is a part of us lost in the divorce process. With SEL as the framework, this organized approach will help restore some calm and harmony amidst the chaos and confusion you might have been feeling.

How will self-awareness help you?

In the lead-up to a divorce, you were probably extremely focused on your partner and their behaviour. Most likely you spent enormous amounts of time thinking about them and not taking care of yourself. Chances are you put your own emotional needs behind that of your partner as you tried to hold the marriage together.

As well, your former partner might have been quite free with criticism and judgments of all your perceived character faults. I know mine went to great lengths to dissect my character. Like I was, you are now faced with trying to pick up the pieces of your fragile and battered self.

Investing time in this process will help re-establish and nurture your self-confidence and optimism. These traits have quite possibly been in short supply in your life lately.

Where do you start?

Dedicate a writing space to your recovery. Whenever I have a special personal writing project, I find a journal notebook that has a captivating design that boosts my mood every time I pick it up. My pens are always blue ink. Treat yourself to writing materials that please you and then, with love, dedicate it to your social-emotional learning divorce recovery and jump write into this journey of journaling self-discovery.

First things first.

Let us begin our self-awareness with an act of kindness. Think about your strengths. These might include perseverance, honesty, and integrity.  Are you a very loyal friend to others? The possibilities are many. Maybe there are some you have not even noticed about yourself. Dig deep. It is time to value yourself. You might want to enlist the help of a trusted friend with this personal exploration.

Begin as many sentences as you can with:

My great strength is _________________________________________________

I am proud of it because______________________________________________

As a further personal challenge:

Consider what your spouse said were your weaknesses. Were they strengths? For many years, my perceived flaws were flung at me with impunity.  I later realized some of those flaws were my strengths that intimidated my former spouse.

Every good run at self-awareness does require facing our weaknesses because they are also part of us. With these traits, we need to carefully have a look without harsh self-judgment. Analyzing our weaknesses is not about self-sabotage but it is meant to help us know ourselves better.

Finish these sentences as many times as needed:

A weakness I have __________________________________________________

Answer it whichever way fits.

I accept that weakness because________________________________________

or

I can change that weakness by_________________________________________

Then

I can begin with _____________________________________________________

Maybe there is not a way to change some of these traits right now.

How do you get to a level of acceptance and patience with yourself?

Responsibilities

Next, take some time to write about the responsibilities in your life.

Remember:

You cannot take care of others if you do not take care of yourself.

Chances are you have responsibilities that might include childcare, your parents needing attention, or a demanding job, or all of that and more.

Consider how these responsibilities affect you. Be honest because journals are nonjudgmental and never tire of listening.

Many responsibilities do not stop for the healing needed after a divorce.

Now take some time to answer these questions.

Begin by listing all the responsibilities in your life.

Do some weigh heavier than others? Why?

Is there any space or place for rebalancing these responsibilities?

You may need to revisit this several times over the coming months.

Next, consider how you can manage these responsibilities.

Look at the demands of each. Are they reasonable?

Are there ways to lessen the burden in some?

Are there some that should require more attention?

Take some time to appreciate all the work you do to fulfil these responsibilities by reflecting in your journal.

The answers to these questions will help you establish a starting point for a way forward with your responsibilities.

Believe that with perseverance and effort you are going to make life whole again. The absolute best investment we can make is the time it takes to heal and reclaim ourselves. You can do it. Contact me through the following address and I will cheer you on.

We are living through difficult times and if your life has been impacted by divorce contact The Divorce Magazine UK for your complimentary divorce coaching session with Linda. She is a divorce coach who is also a traumatic divorce survivor. Her insights and empathy will help you find your path forward to a brighter future. She looks forward to meeting you –email: letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk

CLICK HERE FOR LINDA’S ADVICE COLUMN – LETTERS TO LINDA 

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

When we divorce we lose a partner and we lose a shared history connected by people, objects and memories. This profound sense of loss is often the result of the hurt and haste in the leaving.

A friend describes how it happened to her:

 “I chose to leave our home. In all that tension and heartbreak I didn’t do the proper sort, purge and pack. I left with a suitcase, then came back on an arranged date with 4 friends, a car and a pickup truck for the other essentials, we had agreed on. No photos of my past, with him or even whatever I had in the house from before that. No cards, letters from anyone, not just him. Anything sentimental has been lost.‘

Does that sound familiar? The emotion of the moment does not usually lead to clear decision making. What has preceded the leaving is often a stark and vicious time. We are so emotionally battered there is hardly a space for collaboration.

For others what is left behind after the leaving is a little less tangible. Perhaps the division of property had been more equitable. However, the shared memories of raising a family, or special holidays spent altogether, and any number of other events might be so painful to consider we lose the pleasure of those happy memories as well. The loss cannot be boxed up to carry out the door but is just as much a loss as any piece of furniture.

Whether they are solid like letters or intangible like memories, in the aftermath and the resurrection of a life and future we need to accept the losses that have occurred.  Railing against the injustice of it all helps for a time but is not the long run solution.

There are so many strong emotions when we divorce – anger and the emptiness from the sense of loss being two that sit at the top of the heap.

Facing loss and dealing with it are part of the healing process. It is a step in reclaiming our personal power. We might have felt powerless during the lead up to the separation but we do not need to feel that way after the divorce. We need to make the choice to face our losses and find a place for them in this new life.

These are some lessons I learned about loss in the aftermath of my divorce.

The first decade of my marriage involved many happy family times. It all happened well before the abuse began and the lifetime of deception was revealed. It would be years before I could laugh together with my sons about shared family times.

I allowed my grief too much control over me. It is one regret I have because I denied my sons the opportunity to affirm that there were happy times in the beginning in spite of the misery that shaped the final years of the marriage. My inability to face the loss denied my sons the comfort of those shared memories together for a time.

As my counselor said to me when I felt my former spouse had stolen my whole life with his secrets and lies—my memories and my happiness were mine. She was right.

I worked to find a way to laugh with my sons about those happy times and make them our memories. It didn’t happen overnight. But finally it did. We sat together and laughed and even acknowledged my former spouse in the conversation.

As for tangibles, be cautious in what you throw out or change in the aftermath of a divorce. In my situation our family cottage had been the scene of many hurtful times leading up to the divorce. After the divorce my oldest son was adamant we would sell the cottage. There were too many bad memories.

But my intuition said we could weather this and create our own cottage memories. It took a number of years and it wasn’t easy but it was worth it.

Now it is the family beacon. We have a bounty of new laughter and memories at the cottage that belong to us. The ghosts of the sad times still linger a bit. But they are there to remind us of our great good fortune in having what we have today.

Learn to mould favourite traditions into your future. The Christmas holiday season is filled with family customs. One that has remained for me is the playing of a certain record every Christmas morning. That music announced the morning for me as a child and then for my sons as they grew up. As we all gathered on Christmas morning this past year my four grandchildren danced with joy to that same music. That is my memory!

Be patient with yourself. It takes time to tame the many aspects of your loss. Remember –it is your life, your memories, and your future. Make it the best it can be.

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – Reaching out is the first step. 

READ LINDA’S COLUMN – LETTERS TO LINDA HERE

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

These are the words I desperately  needed to hear ten years ago

Lately, I’ve had so many things swirling around in my head that I know are so very valuable to anyone who is experiencing the end of a significant relationship. So, I’ve decided to share the truths about divorce that I’ve experienced.

Sometimes, I like to go in-depth on particular topics, but other times, I feel an impulse to get those key messages out quickly to people who I know need to feel like they are not alone in their pain and confusion.

During a recent two-week trip through the States for a coaching retreat, I met so many people who shared some of their biggest post-divorce struggles with me. I’m grateful for each and every one of them and humbled that they trusted me with their stories.

This week, I’m inspired to share some of the most valuable truths about divorce that have come to me since my divorce ten years ago and through hundreds of hours of coaching others through their divorce journeys.

I literally visualised myself ten years ago, lost, confused, scared, hopeless and desperate for someone to tell me that I was going to make it through.

If I was sitting on the end of my bed with that person now, this is what I would say.

1. Divorce is not a failure: Redefine failure and success for yourself and what you truly believe about life. Not what society tells us. There are many married people who are quietly miserable; is this success?
2. Emotions are valid: Allow yourself to feel anger, sadness, and confusion without judgment. There may even be times that you don’t see the point in living. It’s ok to feel this way. You are a human being going through intense grief. Every emotion is valid and will eventually pass.
3. Self-care is essential: Prioritize your well-being throughout the process. Nothing is more important than how you care for yourself during a divorce. It’s even more important than the kids because you can’t look after them properly if you’re not looking after yourself first.
4. Support is crucial: Lean on friends, family, or a coach who can provide emotional support. The best support is paid for. I found that my family and friends had limited time or expertise to help me when I was truly on my knees and going through a particularly bad trigger.
5. Every divorce is unique: You can’t compare your healing and recovery to anyone else. I remember seeing a woman at work who seemed completely over the moon to be out of her marriage. Meanwhile, I could barely get through the day. This made me feel like more of a failure.
6. Don’t underestimate patience: Healing and rebuilding take time. It’s not something that can be rushed. It’s also not linear. You can go back and forth between feeling strong and feeling devastated again in the space of a few days or weeks.
7. Communication is vital: Open and honest conversations with your ex-spouse and your kids (depending on their ages) will lead to better outcomes. Take this opportunity to become a better communicator. If it’s not something you’re good at, reach out to a coach to help.
8. Focus on the future: What you want in your post-divorce life matters. You are the creator of what happens to you now. What do you want? What is your vision? Get intentional, and don’t leave things to chance.
9. Children need reassurance: Your kids need to see that you are consistently there for them in every way. If your co-parent is on board with this, awesome! If they’re not, focus on you and what you can do. Be the best parent you can possibly be for your kids, and never let them doubt that they have one hundred percent of your love and support.
10. Financial planning is essential: Establish a stable financial foundation for yourself. If this is not your area of expertise, get some professional help. If you can’t afford it right now, hit up Uncle Google and find out what you need to know. There is no end of financial advice online for divorced people. Be proactive!
11. Meditation and mindfulness can help: When the emotional chaos starts to overtake you (and it will), use these practices to calm the mind and get grounded back in reality rather than the worst-case scenarios that are causing anxiety and depression.
12. Your happiness is your responsibility: A new relationship is not going to make everything all better. It can help in some ways and add value in others, but it can’t take away the fact that you need to properly heal from the grief of your marriage ending.
13. Forgiveness is liberating: No matter what has happened or what your ex has done to you, forgiveness is going to help you in the long run. This one can be the most challenging for some of us; a divorce coach can help you get there faster.
14. Life can be amazing again: This chapter is a part of your story, not the whole book. Divorce is not the end; it is the beginning of something new. You may reject this idea at first, but as your life evolves, you will begin to see that your new story can be even more exciting than the one you thought you were going to have.
15. Newfound freedom: Don’t take your freedom lightly. As great as relationships can be, they do limit much of our personal freedom. You only have yourself to think about for now. Use this precious time to figure out what lights you up, and then get out there and do it!
16. Boundaries are crucial: Set clear boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. If your ex is shaking you to the core with every interaction, it’s time to set some new boundaries. If your new partner is manipulating you, again, boundaries! If you need help with this, talk to a coach.
17. Learn from the experience: Find the positives. Yes, there are positives to divorce, no matter what society tells us. It’s the most fertile soil for growth that you will ever experience. Sometimes, our personal growth comes in ways we wouldn’t have chosen. Nobody said that growth was easy.
18. Closure comes from within: Closure doesn’t come from your ex. It has to come from within you. You may think that you need the right words from your ex to make you feel like you can put a full stop to the pain. The reality is that no matter what they say or don’t say, you are the only one who can decide that it is time to let go and move on.
19. Crazy resilience: Fewer things in life can test the limits of your endurance, as a divorce can. As you slowly but surely move towards healing and acceptance, you can apply your new courage and strength to every area of your life: work, new relationships, family. You have levelled up in ways you never thought were possible.

I hope that some of these truths about divorce are able to give you some comfort as you deal day-to-day with the reality of your own separation.

The first two years after a marriage ends are absolutely brutal. Anyone who has been through it can tell you that those two years are by far the hardest.

There are many things you can do to make it better for yourself, but often, it feels like you are stumbling through the dark without a torch, just trying to survive each day.

It doesn’t have to be that hard, though. If you want to talk to someone who can help you take control of the chaos and get on top of things again, reach out to a professional who can help you strategize on the next step you need to take to start feeling in control of your life again.

Read more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

I’m Carol Madden, a Post-Divorce Life Coach working with women around the world from my online practice.

I work with women who have been divorced for two years or more and thought they’d feel better by now. They’re functioning and getting on with life, but still struggling to let go, heal and move forward in their new post-divorce lives.

I’ve been through divorce myself, and that experience led me to this work. I know what it’s like to look fine on the outside while still carrying grief, guilt, confusion and all the unanswered questions underneath, even several years later.

I also know what it takes to come out the other side and build a life that feels good again.

I help women get to the heart of what’s holding them back, stop looking backwards and find the strength to move forward, even when it feels hard.

Discover me on social media:

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• Instagram
• Medium
• LinkedIn

Reassess – Reset – Reaffirm

Opportunity is the keyword as you reassess your life. The overwhelming feeling of loss that has been your constant companion needs to be put in the background. Replace that loss with anticipation for the future. You are now in a place to assess. What is working? Reset what is not working and begin to make changes. Reaffirm what thinking fills you with anticipation and excitement. How you think affects what you think. Channel your thinking to positive thoughts in every aspect of your life.

It only takes a moment to shift your thinking. Be mindful of your thoughts. Pause when they drift to the negative. Intentionally choose positive thoughts and feel the energy.

A Word About Pace

It is good to commit to change but pacing our gusto for change is important. Living in this instant world of the 21st Century we can forget that life changes are not like looking at your phone and googling an answer to a question.

Be thoughtful about what is most important for you to change. Most importantly, be patient with yourself. Doing that gives you a much greater chance of success.

Begin to visualize the balance in your life. Draw a circle or square and divide it into parts that represent your evaluation of time spent with family, work, and relationships. What does this tell you about the balance in your life?

Life in Three Parts

Acknowledge what you are doing well in each area -home, work, relationships. Separation and divorce bruise our self -confidence so it is time for a reset by celebrating who we are and what we do well. It is easy to tell ourselves we have failed when a marriage ends. It is also easy to take the blame. Those ‘if only I’d been better at” thoughts need to be filed away permanently.

Looking back should be done sparingly and looking forward done repeatedly. Identify one achievable goal for each part of your life. Give yourself a timeline to meet the goal and identify steps to get there.

As you review these areas of your life and set goals, make balance, change, and growth your focus. Feeling overwhelmed has likely been a constant companion through the separation and divorce. You want and need to feel confident that you can reach your chosen goals. So, give yourself time and space to reflect and determine the path.

Nature has a way of taking us into a meditative place. Take some time in nature and focus your thoughts on those three areas of life. Put a small journal in your backpack and head out. Leave the earbuds at home and, instead, listen to nature’s song. Look up and around. This is your time to let nature work its wonders and for you to begin to build energy for the future with your hopes and dreams.

In this age of the influencer, we can spend too much time thinking and worrying about what other people might think of us, our lives, and our decisions. The truth is that all those people are usually more concerned about their own lives. Do not let that worry impede the personal decision-making process as you build your future.

Opportunities

Part of the post-divorce phase is recognizing opportunities in all aspects of our lives because now we have the autonomy to make changes. We also need to recognize that sometimes opportunity is not completely obvious.

Recall the number of times you have said you were so glad you did something you were less than keen to do because it opened an opportunity. Often these opportunities are a leap of faith because we cannot anticipate the exact outcome.

A work-life example would be considering a professional development opportunity. Like-minded people are at these workshops. You meet someone and it might open a new door.

Family life has been upended by the change. Rather than looking at what has been lost, look at ways this has created opportunities to enable you to do things your way. Going forward accentuate the positive.

Are there family traditions or daily habits that need a refresh? These do not have to be big changes because your children are dealing with lots of changes. It could be a slight tweak, even a special question asked at mealtime that brings you together around the table. Mealtime can be a very healing time for a family.

Think of things you would like to have done as a family and did not because your spouse was not keen. Now do it—whatever it is and enjoy.

It is a fact that some friendships and relationships with extended family do not make it through separation and divorce. The world is filled with billions of people and every day is an opportunity to meet someone new.

One good friend of mine I met in the reference section of a bookstore. There are only a few people who beat a path to the reference section of a bookstore. One day I said hello to the one other person there and it turned out we were both writers. We talked about our love of writing and books. Then we arranged a lunch and today I have this valued friend in my life because I started a conversation with a stranger. Those opportunities exist for us every day.

Old friendships have their lustre, but newer friendships bring with them no connection to the past. Welcome them into your new life.

Reaffirm your capacity to be creative, inventive, independent, and resourceful. Your life has a new perspective. Thinking in original and creative ways will take you down new paths. Feel stronger and more capable with every step you take into your future.

Next Time: Priorities and Maintaining Balance

Click here to read more articles by Linda Simpson

About Linda Simpson

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years of surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.