letters to linda - Page 6

This is the 5^th instalment in a series I have written for The Divorce Magazine UK. These articles give you the tools to use the social-emotional learning principles of self-awareness, self-management, relationship skills, responsible decision-making, and social awareness as a path forward when navigating separation and divorce.

Divorce brings with it a whole new set of skills waiting to be learned. Our personal life changes but our social interactions will evolve too. Social awareness for family, friends, and work colleagues uses empathy and compassion to help build our new lives.

Let us focus on all the people in our life who are affected by your divorce.

The impact of divorce is far-reaching. We, who are the divorcing partners can become hyper-focused on ourselves but there are many people in our orbit that are affected and are invested in us.

Perhaps the closest to you and the most vulnerable are the children of divorce. They are experiencing one of their worst nightmares. Every child, at some point, worries their parents will eventually get divorced. Children often blame themselves. They think that if they had been better behaved or had not done a particular thing or did some other thing better then this would never have happened to their family.

It is important to assure your children, during appropriate moments, that it is not their fault. How do you do that?

Children need to feel safe and secure talking about their parents during this time. They need to feel sheltered voicing their opinions and feelings with openness and honestly. Everyone is dealing with anger, frustration, hurt, worry, and fear about the future. It is an emotionally charged time in a family and being the adult, despite your own vulnerability, is very important.

The most productive tactic in all of this requires active listening. What is that?

Active listening is the opposite of passive listening when we might be doing something else, scrolling our phone perhaps, and half- listening to the person. It means putting aside the attention temptation and making eye contact. It means concentrating on what it is being said. It means observing body language and understanding the nuances of the messages given not only by their words but by their body language too.

When a child is watching their parent’s marriage derail, their level of trust in the world is derailed too. Family life means security. When that life is upended insecurity follows. Active listening can help restore their level of trust. It is also a way to be empathetic with your children.

They might say hurtful things to you in the heat of the moment. The wronged partner wants everyone to see it their way but there are shades of anger and shades of understanding. There is a chance your children will criticize you. Without being reactive, take those criticisms and think about them in a quiet moment. Take time to consider the merit of what was said and park the emotion. The words may be raw, but the observations might have a degree of accuracy.

As a parent, it is important to try to see your divorce from your child’s perspective. Unless there have been extreme family circumstances, children love both their parents. When they make positive comments about the other parent it is far better to say nothing than to attempt to change their mind. Children are smart and if there are lessons to be learned about flaws in either parent’s character, chances are that will happen.

Another quite common aspect of children in divorce is that there is a tendency to use them as a go-between. Children can be desperate to please during divorce so be mindful of their vulnerabilities and try to not play into them.

Pumping them for information when they have visited the other parent happens. But it is in everyone’s best interests to limit the amount of time spent engaged in this behaviour. It puts enormous pressure on your children when they are trying to adjust to the new normal of family life. Encourage them to be proactive and remind whichever parent if the conversation heads in that direction.

A tendency that can play out is to expect your children to act as your friend and confidante. You have friends in your life for that. Be the parent they need.

To see the leaving parent will require effort. Family routines, special traditions that were shared all together and many family patterns will be reshaped. Allow for some flexibility as you find a path to your new future as a family.

Next are the extended family members. Siblings, aunts, uncles, and in-laws are all impacted by the divorce. There may be some in-laws you are close with and how you proceed with them is a delicate matter. Some may not want to have any type of friendship and that will require space. They may change their minds at some point in the future but for right now, you must respect their position.

Just like your children, it is not a good idea to enlist siblings or parents to carry stories back and forth. They can be part of your support network but leaning on them too hard can cause a strain in the relationship. Appreciate their part in your divorce recovery.

Nobody in our lives feels the impact of the divorce quite like the divorcing partners. It is important to remember that.

Even your closest confidantes will need a break from discussing the divorce. There will be people we lean on through the divorce process. To maintain those relationships, we need to nurture them and show gratitude. All the kind and caring people who support us have limits and we need to be mindful of their emotional needs as well. We do that, in part, by getting outside our introspection and being socially aware. It is important to be empathetic with family and friends as they support you through the process.

As your life moves forward and you make new friends and find yourself in new situations, social awareness comes into play too.

You do not want your divorce to become who you are. We have all known people who talk about their divorce like it happened yesterday when in fact it could be twenty years ago. You want to get better, not bitter.

You do that by taking charge of this new life. No longer having to compromise ideas and plans, you can now make your own decisions. What have you wanted to do but felt restricted by your marriage? Do it.

Begin to plan to make these dreams come true. It is an opportunity to become someone other than a divorced person. See yourself as single. Being a divorced person can be stigmatizing.

In new social settings listen to the conversation. Taking every opportunity to talk about other things helps you become more than your divorce.

Consider these social skills using social-emotional learning as you renew and build solid connections with your closest and newest friends. Move past the divorce to the future you.

Click here for parts 1, 2, 3 and 4 of Linda’s Guides to Divorce Recovery with Social-Emotional Learning

Click here for more articles from Linda Simpson

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

Now is the time to assess and celebrate your relationship skills. Why?

Divorce always comes with a cost to our self-worth and self-esteem. You have no doubt heard a litany of your perceived personal flaws. It is time to reclaim the real you. Reaching out to others in a meaningful way will only happen if feel good about yourself.

Celebrate who you are and be your own best friend.

You can begin to fill that space left by divorce with new and renewed relationships. The starting point is with the most important relationship in life -the one we have with ourselves.

Where do you begin?

Take a good look inward. Your world and your sense of security have been compromised in the divorce process. As with any relationship, it may seem a bit daunting at first to like who you are. I know from personal experience how challenging it is to get out from under the personal criticisms of a former spouse. Start right now and be the best friend you can be to –yourself.

The very same skills required to relate to others are the same ones needed as you redefine and nurture your inner self.

Take out your journal and celebrate who you are.

What do you like about yourself?

List all your best people skills. Good listener? Empathetic? Honest?

Reflect on how those skills make you your own best friend.

Do you listen to that inner voice? Often what our intuition is saying is not what we want to hear but is the right answer.

Every friendship requires caring about the other. Do you care about yourself? Are there ways to improve that self -care?

Remember that a healthy lifestyle will help improve your mood. Going to an exercise class, planning a great meal and some mindfulness techniques at the end of the day to help with a good sleep are all steps on the path to your tomorrow.

Give yourself permission to feel happy again. Divorce and feeling sad go together. Now it is time to let happiness filter into your life. We know that positive thoughts and words have a positive effect on our body.

It is an enormous task to let go of those negative thoughts but every time you turn a negative thought into a positive, claim a victory in your recovery.

Have a repertoire of positive ideas ready. Make a Gratitude Jar. Every day, put something in your Gratitude Jar. Listing all the positive things in your life is time well spent. Plan for the weekend, or cook a favourite recipe, go to a yoga class, or take a hike in nature.

The more you change that negative to positive, you will notice that it gets easier. This is how you become your own best friend.

If you have children, whatever their age, they have experienced the trauma of the divorce in their own way. They need your love, support, and encouragement. Be mindful of oversharing and using them as a go between. It happens but try to minimize the negative.

Those tactics do not work in any relationship because that is using negative power.

We do make mistakes, with ourselves and others, as we navigate that initial time post divorce. Own those mistakes, be honest with yourself and carry on. Focus on new traditions and make the effort to fill the gap left by your former spouse. Talk to your children and most important actively listen when they talk to you. Be their best friend too.

Now look at the broader picture and consider your circle of friends. Losing friends happens with divorce. Focus on the ones who are present in your life.

How do you value them?

Communication is the cornerstone of any good relationship. You will have friends that are a major factor in your divorce recovery. You will lean on some friends quite heavily. Always check in with how they are feeling about your conversations.

Divorce has an insatiable appetite for attention.

You will be surprised at how good you feel talking about other things with your friends. During divorce recovery, it is time to discover everything else you have missed while going through your divorce.

Honesty is key with family and friends. Pretense is just that, pretense. Do not pretend you are OK if you are not. However, it is also important to not use that as a crutch and negative power over others. Be aware of any tendency to overshare with family or friends. Relationships are a two-way street. They are helping you through your divorce recovery and you must remember to appreciate them.

Co-workers and people outside your immediate circle will be sympathetic for a time but be mindful of their investment in your life. Acquaintances will not feel the same degree of emotion as close friends do.

Occasionally step back. Have you talked too much about the divorce at work and not enough about other topics? Talking about other things with these people is helpful because, for one, for everyone, it is a relief from the topic of divorce.

This is also a good time to make new friends. There are many ways to do this in today’s world. It can be daunting and will require initial effort on your part. Treat it like a journey and not a destination. Take it one step at a time outside your comfort zone. Say yes to invitations. Every new relationship experience is one step closer to your future.

And be mindful that no matter what you do, there will still be lonely times. Accept that, while believing those feelings will pass.

Practicing these relationship skills with yourself and others will help put you on the road to divorce recovery. Be real, be kind, be interested in others, be honest and be the best you can be, and your future will find you.

Click here for parts 1, 2 and 3 of Linda’s Guides to Divorce Recovery with Social-Emotional Learning

Click here for more articles from Linda Simpson

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

There are many truths that come with divorce proceedings.

One of them is that you will very quickly be thrust into a marathon of serious decision -making, some of which could impact the rest of your life. You need to clear your muddled head and think before you agree to anything.

Where do you begin?

Acknowledge that these decisions are important and will take time. If you have kept a journal through parts 1 and 2 of this recovery series, there will be questions for you to answer with this piece as well.

These decisions will impact you and the people you love. Do not let yourself be pressured into decisions but also do not use reluctance as power and control over the divorce proceedings because more tension is not helpful. Take time but do not use time to incite emotion. The goal is to keep moving forward and you do that by maintaining a steady pace.

Open mindedness, thinking creatively and communicating clearly will help you find your way through some of the difficult decisions that need to be made. They will also help you understand the implications of the decisions.

Open-mindedness may seem like an odd starting point, but it is particularly important in the overall outcome.

It means shedding the potent ‘get even’ attitude and looking at issues from everyone’s perspective. Open-mindedness involves active listening. You help your decision-making process by focusing on what is being said or offered and responding thoughtfully when negotiating. Really listen to the points being made and evaluate them as objectively as possible.

Journal Prompt: Are there any obstacles to being open minded? List them and the reasons why.

If you have children, this divorce is their worst nightmare come true and it is important to keep their feelings in mind as decisions are made. You both want what is best for your family. Being reasonable and open minded is a start.

Along with open mindedness, remember to consider your wants and needs. You may have lost a sense of self in the lead up to the divorce and now is the time to reclaim the ‘you’ that was neglected. Again, being mindful that this is not about ‘getting even’ or ‘keeping score’ but about healthy choices.

Journal Prompt: List everything you feel you need to satisfy your wishes for your future. Be honest but reasonable. If it is important then it is worth defending and you defend with well thought out reasons why.

Journal Prompt: Ask yourself “Why do I want this…? Or “Why do I not want this …?

Writing down your answers to the questions will help you be prepared for the negotiations.

To make these decisions you need all available information. This is not the time to withhold from each other. The best negotiations happen with a level playing field of trust. These are not one-sided decisions because there are two of you and each has an equal stake in the outcome.

Divorce usually goes hand in hand with some history of betrayal and lack of trust. Commit to each other that you will be forthright in this final stage of your marriage.  There has no doubt been enough game playing and harsh words to last a lifetime.

As you consider decisions try to project their impact on your future. Can you see where these decisions will take you in a year or five years? The emotion of the moment tends to make us think in the moment but some of these decisions will have lasting impact. Perhaps there is the possibility of revisiting some decisions in a year or so. Does it make sense to the people involved?

Journal Prompt: Write about where you see yourself in a few years. What are the decisions that will get you there?

Remember that this is all to make your future the best it can be. Decisions should be made with as much information as possible and the least amount of emotion. Doing that and you stand a good chance of benefiting from them for years to come.

Responsible decision-making means acknowledging your role in the decision. If you decide on something, then you owe it to yourself to ensure they are decisions that will work for -you.

There has probably been more hurt and anger than you ever imagined. The way to move beyond that is by being decisive and taking responsibility for the result.

Believe in yourself. No doubt your self-esteem has been knocked about in the lead up to the divorce. As difficult as it may be, believe you will succeed in making the right decisions at this time. Consider realistic goals and balance expectations. Do not overestimate or underestimate yourself. Believe you will succeed and have the future you want.

Journal prompt: Make a list of all the reasons why you can make the right decisions. It is time to appreciate your qualities of decision -making.

Remember that you can take a reasonable time out from decisions. The whole divorce process is overwhelming and making important decisions for your future is a huge responsibility. If you need time, do not hesitate to take the time. Do not use time to create any more hostility. If you need a few days or a week or more then take it but be reasonable.

It is probably the biggest expectation of all to sideline emotion at such a difficult time. If you can control your emotion, it is in your best interest to do so. If you make caring and constructive choices, then you and everyone you love will benefit for years to come.

Self-Management

You probably did not know you could feel such rage. I certainly did not. Secrets and lies are almost always central to a divorce. That loss of control over our personal life leaves us crushed, defeated and angry.

Not only is there rage toward our former partner but often debilitating rage against ourselves. We trusted and believed in this person, loved this person, and our self-confidence is shattered.

The rage serves a purpose for a while as it propels us forward, but eventually, it is wearing on our family and friends and can affect our own health.

The next part of social-emotional learning -self -management- will allow you to focus on anger management because to reclaim your life you need to reclaim emotional control.  It also includes managing stress which is a big driver of your divorce anger.

In this part of the series, you want to work toward controlling your impulse to flare up in anger and manage your anger in a healthy way.  We will first shift the focus inward to identify the root of your anger before you explode and learn some strategies for managing the anger reaction.

What is anger in divorce recovery?

Anger is a normal human response but left unchecked it can undermine our lives. Going through a divorce there is good reason to be angry. A future uprooted, betrayal of trust, and self blame are just some of the reasons for anger. It becomes a problem when anger controls us, and we lose the capacity to control it. Anger at your former spouse can become addicting as you replay all the wrongs in your head over and over.

That is just not healthy. The path forward requires you to reclaim yourself and your goals.

Why does understanding what makes you angry help in divorce recovery?

Understanding what makes you angry is the first step to controlling your anger. There is more to it than your former spouse driving this anger. Your life has been upended by the divorce. People you once thought were friends or family may have stepped back from your life. You may feel alone and abandoned as a result. Identifying all the reasons you are angry is the first step in taking back your personal control.

It is time to take out your Divorce Recovery Journal. We will explore what makes you angry and how you manage it.

Divorce Triggers

Our reasons for getting angry are called triggers. These triggers can be thoughts around the betrayal and deception you experienced or your fear about the future. Possibly you feel a sense of abandonment or you may feel embarrassed. Embarrassment was a big driver in my anger. Perhaps it is a sense of powerlessness because your former spouse may have spread lies about you to justify their actions. Again, I know that reality. The result is that you may feel helpless, frustrated and- angry.

Take a careful look at your own anger and write down all the reasons you are angry. Make a list. No matter how trivial you think a reason might be, remember that it matters. It could be as simple as being the only one to walk the dog now.

Now answer the question: Why does this make me angry?

Take your time and answer why for each reason you have put in your journal.  The why of it may not be immediately evident so do not rush.

Self-management is another way we can explore ourselves and it takes time, but it is time well spent. Investing in your own wellbeing is the absolute best investment you will ever make.

Finish as many sentences as needed:

I feel ____________ because__________________________________

As an example, you may feel afraid because your financial security has been impacted and you feel vulnerable.

Now for some emotional heavy lifting.

Begin by focusing on one step forward for each of these feelings.

My first step toward feeling less ____________ is____________________.

Complete as many sentences as needed.

As an example, you may feel embarrassed but that feeling gives your former spouse power over you. Reclaim that power. Accept you cannot change their actions. Starting right now and take control of your own feelings. When you feel embarrassed for what they did, what you allowed, change the channel in your head. Think of how you coped through it all. Change ‘they did this’ to ‘I coped by ’ thoughts.

Managing our anger

And this is where that conscious thinking helps. When you feel those emotions, identify them. Identify the trigger that might have caused it to resurface. Instead of replaying, try rejigging your thinking to something/ anything more positive. It might be the view out the window. It might be a deep breath. Every time you do that you reclaim a bit more of yourself.

Take yourself out of the anger response.

Irrational Beliefs about Ourselves

Divorce comes with a bevy of negative thoughts that are often based on irrational beliefs. One example is that the marriage failed and thus we are failures.

No, you are not.

Anger and defeat are emotional consequences of irrational beliefs. You are not the first and will not be the last person to think that they are a failure as the result of a failed marriage.

Another central irrational belief is that any criticism of you by your former spouse must be true. Why allow their criticism to have power over you?

Don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice from.

Many believe their former spouse will come to their senses and come back but chances are they will do neither –come to their senses or come back. And would you want anyone in your life who does not value you?

These last two irrational beliefs are enormously debilitating.

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.’      Maya Angelou

Times you owned your anger

In your Divorce Recovery Journal keep track of times you owned your anger. Maybe you walked away or maybe you practised some other form of self -regulation. Recognize your victories.

Forgiveness and Release

There is so much talk about forgiveness. What is rarely discussed is that forgiveness is not a black and white issue and purely about forgiving others.  Perhaps most important is forgiving yourself for the choices you made.

Acknowledge that you married in good faith.

Your marriage was real for you.

Let go of your anger.

Don’t think “I can’t because “Yes you can.”

There are moments in life that we never forget. They are markers -there was a before and an after and life was never the same. That night many years ago when my marriage ended was just such a moment in my life.

Silhouettes and Silence

He parked the car and turned off the engine.

Frost slowly seeped up the windows creating a cold metal cocoon, a shroud to the outside world.

His silhouette, the one I had known since I was a child, from that love at first moment so many years ago, etched a sinister black line against the window.

His shoulders sagged. His chin dropped.

Moments passed, the evening chill surrounded us, and then his voice mumbled, his lips barely moving.

Words spilled out into the cold night air. Slowly, one word followed another and wove a tale of deception that stretched back years and years, all the way back to our childhood.

I sat there numb with shock and anger and disbelief. Where had I been? What life had I been living with him?

His words carried away my history. It evaporated into the night.  All that was left was the shame I felt for believing in him.

Gone was the life I thought I knew. Gone was the warmth of our shared family memories. Gone was every reality I thought I had lived with him.

A whole life was snatched away from me that night.

There was only one question to ask.

“Why?”.

“I thought you’d never find out,” he said.

We sat together in the car for a while, so near and now so far apart.

Silence filled the space between us.

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – Reaching out is the first step. 

Click here for more articles by Linda as well as Letter to Linda

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

‘fame is no talisman against human pain ..adultery is still adultery’ wrote Julia Cameron in her book The Right to Write.

It was in reference to her very public divorce from Martin Scorsese in the 1970s and his very public affair with Liza Minnelli.

She goes on to describe the feeding frenzy on her grief. There was the gossip that exploded everywhere. Friends thought she should see everything written in the tabloids. All of it caused Cameron enormous pain and yet the gossip continued.

Unfortunately, divorce breeds gossip in our society. It happens whether your breakup was tabloid-worthy or just the talk of your hometown.

Although I am not a public figure, our family was reasonably well known in my hometown at the time of my divorce.

It was a traumatic divorce based on his secret life, deception and abuse. It didn’t fit with his public persona, so I made the choice to tell people the truth. I hoped it might head off gossip. It didn’t.  The gossip trickled into my life through every crevice in my battered psyche.

When I read Cameron’s account and recalled my own experience it made me wonder- why do people gossip over someone’s divorce misery?

My closest friends were a circle of love and support. But people I didn’t know or knew very casually had a different reaction.

Does emotional distance affect the need for gossip-something like reading a tabloid? What happens to our compassion I wonder? Perhaps the person is thinking -phew I am glad that is not me -or naively-my spouse would never do that. No doubt, there are many reasons. As Cameron observed – we are all real people in the divorce gossip story, with real feelings.

You can’t stop people gossiping. But what can you do about the gossip that inevitably finds you after your divorce?

Prove to the people and the community that you are more than your divorce. How do you do that? Be big and bold in your post-divorce life. Cameron says “use your negative feelings as positive fuel’.   You do it in whatever way works for you. Julia Cameron got to work on a new script and the day after it was done she sold it to Paramount Studios.

I got to work on a project to work abroad for a year. It was a dream I’d had for some time. I had no idea how I was going to pull this project together but I went at it with the philosophy -You eat an elephant one bite at a time.

First and foremost, I wanted to make sure my sons supported the idea. They were young adults at the time. They were extremely supportive and excited about this opportunity.

There were many mountains to climb. After twenty-five years of marriage and being a couple, I was alone. This was my sole responsibility to make happen.

I wrestled with personal fear but gradually the excitement took over as my goal inched closer. It took me two years of meticulously checking off the ‘to do ‘ list.  My finances needed shoring up because like most people he left me with debts and commitments I had to fulfil.

I started getting more organized financially which was important given the project. After much planning, the day arrived. I filled two large duffel bags with a year’s worth of my life and boarded the plane. For a year there would be an ocean between me and my divorce.

The year abroad was life-changing. My future took shape. I began my writing career by writing a once a month travelogue for my hometown newspaper. I was slowly shaping a post-divorce me.

When I arrived in the country I knew no one. I made good friends quickly and travelled extensively. I learned to love the country and found out that my ancestral roots were there.

From that year experience, I was introduced to hill hiking. That led to a decade of organizing hiking trips and introducing many to the natural beauty of my adopted country.

The experience changed my life in many ways. There were many challenges and they helped rebuild my emotional strength. When I returned, I was not ‘the woman with the sordid divorce story’ but the woman who made the big bold decision to work abroad on her own for a year.

Every week, for the year following my return home, someone stopped me on the street to congratulate me and tell me they followed my adventures in the newspaper. I was more than another divorced woman with a salacious divorce story. I had successfully made a giant leap into my future.

Divorce is a detour and not a stop sign. Take control and fuel up your life with conviction. Write a brand new, exciting chapter in your life story.

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – Reaching out is the first step. 

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY LINDA SIMPSON 

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.