Well-being - Page 6

Maintaining your physical and emotional well-being is crucial during and after divorce. Find practical advice on self-care, stress management, and personal growth, including strategies for dealing with anxiety, depression, and other emotional challenges common during this life transition. Discover tools and techniques to nurture your mental health, rebuild self-esteem, and cultivate resilience as you navigate your new life chapter.

Be Your Own Life Coach Through Separation and Divorce - Part 1
Photo by Clark Tibbs on Unsplash.
//

Be Your Own Life Coach Through Divorce – Part 1

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson –
Divorce and Parenting Consultant
Writer and Speaker

There is no better time to be your own life coach than when going through separation and divorce. This is about taking responsibility and embracing new approaches to your future because being single means your choices are your own.

With the following tips you can start to reclaim your life and make the future the best it can possibly be.

Where do you start?

During the chaos, we have felt when our lives are upended by the end of a marriage, life coaching yourself is a path toward the future. You have experienced every emotion over the recent months. Feeling overwhelmed, angry, helpless, and abandoned are just a few of them. Taking charge of your life through the principles of life coaching will help you find that future you deserve.

The Journal

Life coaching yourself is a practical way to effect change and requires commitment and a personal conviction you can and will get to a better place. Start with very basic priorities. Where do you feel the most change is needed? List a few in a journal dedicated to this journey.

We often get overwhelmed by expecting too much too fast so make your list short. This is a process and takes time. Being realistic about your initial priorities will help you focus on manageable steps to improving your life. As the future unfolds so too will new goals.

Just the very act of making the decision to coach yourself will be empowering. You are going to create strategies and techniques to improve your life including the way you act toward yourself and others. You will focus on reactions to the way you feel and take control of your thoughts.

It all starts with a plan. You plan school runs, meals, and work schedules so there is every reason to believe you can plan your way to a better life. Believe you can and that is the first step to achievement.

Perhaps worth mentioning is that you need achievable goals in this process. This gives you a better chance at success. Be realistic but bold and above all kind to yourself.

Your overall goal is change. You want to change your life and adapt to the new life that has presented itself. Your first step is to give yourself permission to want that change. Too often we pine for what we thought we had in the marriage. Realistically, was it more about tolerating a situation to maintain the status quo? Should we spend time wanting someone who didn’t want us? Change is opportunity.

No doubt your self-confidence has been shattered. The person left behind often has a sense of failure. If you weren’t reminded of it by the leaving partner, then you impose that way of thinking on yourself because blaming yourself is part of the divorce process.

Now it is time to look in the mirror, like what you see, and find the determination and motivation to take the next steps. Know that all this steely determination will lead to a brighter future for you.

Getting started

Time to start digging a bit deeper. You know you need to change but that means you need to begin to think differently. This is where we leave the victim behind and become the victor. You have been given a unique opportunity to reinvent yourself with all the secret hopes and dreams you harboured over the years. Perhaps those dreams were scorned by your former partner. I, for one, wouldn’t be writing this article for The Divorce Magazine if I had listened to being told I had no ability to write.

The Journal

Now is the time to believe in yourself. Start with five goals you would like to achieve. Write them down in a journal dedicated to your new age of discovery. Examples might be wanting to be less reactive when dealing with your former partner or building your self-confidence.

Beside each goal list a few steps to achieve it. This will be a dynamic list so give yourself space in the journal. As you think about your goals over the coming weeks and months, you will think of new ways to achieve them. Think of two or three ways you know you can implement each goal.

If your former partner makes you anxious or angry with each encounter, find ways to alleviate those feelings and calm yourself with some mindfulness tactics as you prepare for each meeting or encounter.

If your self-confidence has been diminished, make a list of things you do well. We all have skills and abilities so remind yourself of what you can do well. Do you have good friends and consider yourself a good friend? We live all our lives in the skin we are in and because our longest relationship is with ourselves, we can forget what we do well. It is what we’ve always done, and its significance can diminish in our own estimation. Time to embrace you that might have got lost through separation and divorce.

Remember to say yes to people. Life can become very insular through the divorce process, and we can talk ourselves out of doing things. If invitations are presented, say yes. In your journal, reflect on all the benefits that yes brought to your life.

What does happiness look like to you?

The preceding months and years have probably given you ample opportunity to know what unhappiness looks like. Now it is time to determine what happiness looks like in your life.

In lives that can be anything from busy to positively whirlwind, we can often lose sight of what moments were genuinely happy.

Reflect on those times in your journal. Recall the details of those happy times. Where were you? What were you doing? Who were you with or were you alone? These happy times were unencumbered by worries and fears. You could well have been alone and felt utter contentment and peace. Wherever it was and whatever it was will give you a framework for happy times.

You want to get to a place where you can make happy times a regular occurrence. After all the stress and strain of the recent past, your brain will thank you for feeling happy again.

Next time: Reassess, reset and reaffirm.

About Linda Simpson

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

You might be interested in

High-Profile Divorces: Putting Children's Interests First.
Photo by Freepik.
////

High-Profile Divorces: Putting Children’s Interests First

Published on
Chris Sweetman
Chris Sweetman,
Director
Fair Results

In the world of celebrity divorces, the headlines are often filled with drama, intrigue, and sensationalism. Recently, the media has been buzzing about the divorce of Sophie Turner and Joe Jonas, with the spotlight shining brightly on their high-profile breakup. While the public’s fascination with such cases is understandable, it’s crucial to remember the real people at the heart of these stories: the children.

Today, Chris Sweetman, Director at Fair Result, responds to the Daily Mail’s latest article and aptly points out, “They should both realise the children’s interests come first and focus on that rather than showboating for the world’s press to score points off each other.”

In the midst of their separation, Joe filed for divorce in Florida in early September, aiming to ensure the case is heard under Florida state law, which favours equal time-sharing arrangements for parents in child custody cases. However, this move has ignited a broader conversation about the challenges high-profile divorces pose for children. But what should celebrities be looking out for?

Prioritising Children’s Wellbeing

Divorce is undoubtedly challenging, and it becomes even more complex when it’s played out in the public eye. Children caught in the midst of a high-profile divorce can face unique and sometimes overwhelming challenges. It’s essential for both parents to remember that their primary responsibility is to safeguard the emotional and psychological wellbeing of their children.

Private Matters, Public Impact

While celebrities may be accustomed to living their lives in the public eye, the impact of a high-profile divorce on children remains the same. Constant media scrutiny, public opinion, and the potential for one-upmanship in the press can add tremendous stress to an already difficult situation. Shielding children from this unnecessary exposure should be a top priority.

The Role of Mediation

In high-profile divorces, involving a skilled mediator can be a game-changer. Mediation offers a confidential and structured environment where both parties can discuss issues related to their divorce, including child custody and support, without the added pressure of public scrutiny. It promotes cooperation and problem-solving, which ultimately benefits the children.

Final Thoughts

In the midst of the Sophie Turner and Joe Jonas saga and similar high-profile divorces, it’s essential to remember the children’s interests. Sophie’s determination to protect her children’s connection to the UK is understandable. Her life and work are here, and the girls have a foundation in the UK. Joe should return their passports, allowing the children to settle into a life both parents once believed was best for them.

The path forward should prioritise co-parenting, with options for school holidays and visits in the United States. Recent developments indicate a temporary ceasefire, with both parents agreeing to keep their children in New York State for now.

The bitterness surrounding this situation has led many to rally behind Sophie, as women, in particular, speak out in her favour. It’s a powerful reminder that, in high-profile divorces, the court of public opinion often leans toward protecting the wellbeing of the children involved.

Amidst the turmoil, it’s essential for Joe and Sophie to remember that their daughters’ happiness and security should guide their decisions, not the desire to win a public relations battle. For the sake of their daughters,’ it’s time to prioritise co-parenting, cooperation, and their best interests.

While the media may continue to sensationalise these stories, it’s crucial for parents and society at large to continue to emphasise the wellbeing of the children involved. Remember, we must put the children first and avoid using divorce proceedings as a public spectacle for personal gain.

Read more articles by Chris Sweetman.

About Chris Sweetman

Chris Sweetman is an independent family solicitor and director of Fair Result – An award-winning law office who pride themselves on using innovative ways to help clients through the stress and complications of a marriage break down.

Chris can be contacted on 07500933818 or via email chris@fair-result.co.uk.

You might be interested in

Infidelity - Everything you Need to Know
Photo by RDNE Stock project: https://www.pexels.com/photo/a-couple-talking-to-each-other-6669843/
//

Infidelity: Everything you Need to Know

Published on
Noel McDermott
Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

The first thing to understand is that infidelity is a lot more common than is thought, it is believed that about 25% of men are thought to have extra relational affairs, and about 15% of women. There are biosocial reasons for this behaviour in humans, common with our nearest social animals such as chimps etc in terms of seeking a healthy gene pool.

We are all familiar with the apocryphal stories of the kings and queens of yore having sickly babies due to inbreeding, which doesn’t help if you are the victim of a cheating spouse, but it does help to make a distinction between normal cheating and abnormal cheating and it should be pointed out that the 25% and 15% are not the same group of people but it’s at any one time.

We may all at some point be the perpetrator or victim of this scenario and really should head the adage around stones and glass houses. The decision about whether you stay with the partner who cheated will largely depend on the circumstances of your relationship.

If you decide to end the relationship it’s unlikely it will be due to solely the infidelity, but that will be one of the factors and maybe the most important of the factors that mean the relationship is unsustainable. Why this is important is for several factors that will mean you can move on cleanly and not bring this dynamic into you next relationship. Crucial to this is to normalise the experience and to take some power of decision making and authorship.

Allowing oneself to experience the infidelity as an event which turns us into a victim disempowers and possibly sets up a situation in which you will blame yourself inadvertently for the cheating of your partner.

You will ask yourself what is wrong with me, rather than what went wrong with the relationship or with the situation and in thinking about what was wrong with the relationship it’s not, ‘what was wrong with the relationship that led to the cheating’ as this is another trap, but what was wrong with the relationship that I didn’t want to or couldn’t forgive the infidelity?

In relationships we forgive because we want that person in our lives, and we refuse to forgive because we want them to go.

As much as possible we want in this situation to move to a place where we can accept it’s an event that happened, that happens to many people, and it was the last straw. The effort involved in repeating the rupture wouldn’t yield enough return as there were problems anyway. We move from being potentially the victim of a soap drama to someone who has had a challenging life experience who wants to move on and heal.

Being able to reframe in this way does mean we are very much less likely to be processing the experience in our next relationship, and by processing, I mean carrying dumping the baggage from the infidelity into the next relationship.

During this process of ending and moving on it’s going to be important to avoid those folk in your network who feed on drama. Even though this may feel tough at first, it’s important to have voices in your life that ask you to be reflective, avoid dramatising the situation, try to normalise it, look at the bigger picture, look at your part without self-blame and at what you gain from moving on, above all avoid angels and demons.

Angels and demons are simplistic, black and white, infantile ways of thinking about people and life. Life and people are complex and muddy and there is good and bad in all of us.

It’s important to look at abnormal cheating and by that, I mean cheating that should not be normalised. This will tend to be of the serial nature and often the person doing it will have other issues, such as drinking, substance problems and for sure intimacy issues.

Generally, the partners of the type of hyper-sexual person will experience significant harm over time due to the range of manipulations, the love bombing, the lying, the intimacy problems that lead to attachment issues and self-doubt in the person being cheated on. You will be very likely to need professional help to deal with the damage done in this type of situation as you will have been living with someone with a chronic relationship problem.

Often the partners of the philanderer in that type of situation will experience significant trauma and need help to overcome it. As the partner there is little you can do to change them, in the same way you can’t change an alcoholic, unless they do the work to get help and stop.

You are better off getting out of an unhealthy situation and seeking help to ensure you don’t carry the damage with you.

Read more articles by Noel McDermott.

About Noel McDermott

Noel McDermott is the Founder of Mental Health Works Ltd. He has created unique, mental health services in the independent sector. Noel’s company offer at-home mental health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised care teams for the individual. They have recently launched a range of online therapy resources to help clients access help without leaving home.

You might be interested in

I Just Want To Get Back To Normal: Why Divorce Is A Marathon Not A Sprint.
Photo by sporlab on Unsplash.
//

I Just Want to Get Back to Normal: Why Divorce Recovery is a Marathon Not a Sprint

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

The Long Game of Divorce Recovery

My inspiration this week comes from an interesting conversation I recently had with a person on Twitter. He struggles with the fact that even after three years, he still battles daily with co-parenting and trying to heal from his divorce.

He has two children under ten and says communication with his ex usually ends in high conflict.

He told me, “I just want things to return to normal again”.

The thing about divorce that most people get blindsided by is how long it takes to feel better.

Yes, there are things you can do to distract yourself from the pain, like new relationships or new challenges in your career, taking up new hobbies.

Yet, divorce just seems to have a way of returning to the front and centre of your life in cycles.

After sharing some communication tips with my friend on Twitter, I started reflecting on how I was tracking at the three-year mark after my divorce.

The Sound of Silence

It’s those moments late at night that get you. You hop into bed after the busyness of the day, and then there is nothing else. In the stillness of the dark, the thoughts come.

Memories of the past that were good, memories that were painful. Ironically, even some of the happier memories can make you feel sad because you know you can never go back to those times.

Fears of the future can ramp up anxiety….Will I love again? Will my kids be ok? Is this new relationship really what I need? Should I have taken time to be alone?

These thoughts can come even several years down the track.

Extreme guilt plagued me for a very long time. I went through periods of feeling good because everything seemed to be working, but when the stresses of life and the inevitable bumps in the road hit me and the kids, it triggered the guilt I felt that I couldn’t keep my marriage together.

When I went through an excruciating breakup five years after my divorce, I felt as though I had wasted all that time in a new relationship, trying to prove to myself that I was lovable and could make it work with someone after all. When it ended, it was like confirmation that I was defective.

I experienced a new round of heartache that triggered all my old divorce grief and pain to come flooding back. It took a long time to recover, and I’m thankful every day that I’ve finally healed from both my marriage and my first relationship post-divorce.

I have spoken to many people who have been 3–5 years down the track from their divorces. They are incredulous that they can still be emotionally wiped out after feeling like they are making progress.

Here’s the thing, it’s not like a band-aid. One rip, and it’s all over.

Divorce is an ever-evolving entity.

It might be smooth sailing for a few months or even a year or so. Then all of a sudden, you could find yourself going through an emotionally stressful time.

One of your children might go through a milestone or transition and start acting out in ways that stress and confuse you. You may be dealing with an illness in the family, job stress, or financial worries.

If you find yourself more stressed or worried than usual about something that is happening with your kids, your career or extended family, this could impact your co-parenting relationship, and you may find it harder to get along with your ex-spouse.

You can start to see that divorce recovery is not just a question of how much time passes.

You’re dealing with many unknown variables. Your ex-spouse and all of their life’s decisions, your children and all of the changes and experiences they will go through over time, new relationships and possibly new children that add different dynamics to the family unit.

Even if you don’t have children, you may find that several years down the track, you miss your ex-spouse or wonder if things could have been different.

A Marathon vs A Sprint

The best way to prepare for this realisation is to view divorce recovery as a marathon rather than a sprint.

Training for a marathon requires a different type of game plan than training for a sprint.

Just as athletes prepare themselves for endurance events, so should you prepare yourself for the long game when it comes to divorce.

With divorce recovery, you need high levels of self-care and self-awareness to ensure that you have enough energy and emotional resilience to make it through whatever comes your way over the years.

The number one thing you can do to help yourself is to identify all the things you can control and then set goals around achieving them. (While at the same time giving yourself grace when things don’t go 100% right).

Once you identify those things you can control, you can work on letting go of all the things you can’t. Stress, anxiety and burnout all come from trying to control those things that are simply not in your control.

Let’s look at some things that you do have control over:

  • Your thoughts
  • Your reactions
  • The rules and expectations in your own household
  • How you communicate with your children
  • How you support your kids and provide for them
  • What sort of food your children eat
  • How you manage your finances
  • Your physical and mental well-being
  • Your coping strategies when you’re under stress

Now let’s look at the things you have no control over:

  • Rules and expectations at your ex’s house
  • What your ex says to your children
  • How your ex manages their finances
  • Who your ex chooses to be in a relationship with
  • What your kids eat or wear when they’re with your ex
  • Your ex’s ways of coping when they are under stress

You get the picture. These are of course not extensive lists, but it gives you an idea of where you may be expending your energy where it’s not doing you any good.

Seek Support

Letting go is not easy. It can invoke fear in us. It’s helpful to talk to someone who can guide you to identify what you need to focus on and find the strength to let go of what you have no power over.

It sounds daunting, but once you can get into the practice of only putting energy into the actions that support your well-being, your life becomes more manageable, co-parenting becomes more peaceful, and you can start to feel happy and ‘back to normal’ again.

I hope that wherever this post finds you, you are in a place of feeling strong and capable as you navigate your divorce recovery.

Read more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

I’m Carol Madden, a Post-Divorce Life Coach working with women around the world from my online practice.

I work with women who have been divorced for two years or more and thought they’d feel better by now. They’re functioning and getting on with life, but still struggling to let go, heal and move forward in their new post-divorce lives.

I’ve been through divorce myself, and that experience led me to this work. I know what it’s like to look fine on the outside while still carrying grief, guilt, confusion and all the unanswered questions underneath, even several years later.

I also know what it takes to come out the other side and build a life that feels good again.

I help women get to the heart of what’s holding them back, stop looking backwards and find the strength to move forward, even when it feels hard.

Discover me on social media:

You might be interested in

Breaking Bad News: How To Tell People You're Getting Divorced
Photo by Roman Kraft on Unsplash.
/

Breaking Bad News: How To Tell People You’re Getting Divorced

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

Divorce is a deeply personal and life-altering decision; sharing this news with your family and friends can be terrifying.

It’s not just a case of taking a deep breath, saying it once and moving on. You have to say it several times over to a wide range of people.

However, honest and brave communication is crucial to maintaining healthy relationships and providing your loved ones with the support and understanding they need during this transition.

I remember living with the stress of knowing we needed to get the ball rolling on our separation, yet also dreading the conversations I knew I would have to have.

Here are some essential tips to help you navigate the process of informing your family and friends about your divorce with confidence, empathy and mindfulness.

Choose the Right Time and Setting to Talk About your Divorce

Choosing the right time and setting to have this conversation is vital. Consider finding a quiet, comfortable environment where everyone can focus and freely express themselves.

Avoid sharing the news during emotionally charged moments or important family events if you can.

Prepare Yourself Emotionally

Preparing yourself is crucial before sharing the news. Acknowledge that different family members will react in diverse ways.

Be ready for a range of emotions, from surprise and sadness to confusion and even anger. Build your own emotional resilience by reminding yourself that your decision is based on what is best for everyone’s emotional well-being in the long run.

Be Honest and Concise

When discussing your divorce, be honest and concise without going into excessive detail. Explain your decision without assigning blame or involving others in the reasons you are deciding to end the marriage.

Try not to fall into the trap of feeling as though you have to justify. Make peace with the fact that some people in your life may never truly understand your decision. It’s not your job to convince them that this choice is right for you and your family.

Focus on the positives that will come from ending a marriage that is not working and is taking an emotional toll on everyone. Emphasise that this decision was not taken lightly and was made in all parties’ best interests.

Express Empathy and Understanding

Recognise that your loved ones may experience various emotions in response to your news. Offer empathy and understanding as they process the information and allow them to express their feelings.

Encourage open communication and actively listen to their concerns and questions without becoming defensive. Remember, they are grappling with their own emotions and may need time to adjust to the changes.

Reassurance is Important

Although it might seem odd that you have to support your family members when you are the one who is going through emotional hell, you have to be mindful of the fact that it’s highly likely you’ve had a lot more time to get your head around this happening than they have.

I was taken aback when I told my nephew and his girlfriend about our separation, and they both started to cry. I ended up having to comfort them. I wasn’t expecting it, and it made me feel awful that I’d made them feel that way.

Assure your family and friends that your decision to divorce does not diminish your love and care for them. Let them know that you will continue to be a part of their lives. Change can be worrying, and your friends and family want to know that some things won’t change.

Dig Deep When They Make Mistakes

Friends, family, co-workers, neighbours. Everyone has something to say when you let them know that your marriage is ending.

Some will murmur sympathetically. Some will tell you all about their sister’s friend’s daughter’s niece who got divorced (Fun!). Some will put a knife through your heart with flippant comments without realising it.

One acquaintance of mine looked at me like she was going to fall down to her knees and said, ‘What about the kids??!!’.

I needed that like a hole in the head.

I had to breathe through many conversations and try to find understanding and forgiveness when I wanted to tell them all to shut up and mind their own business.

Telling people is a necessary part of the process. Dig deep when well-meaning people say stupid things.

Maintain Boundaries and Privacy

While it’s essential to communicate openly with your family and friends, remember that certain aspects of your divorce are personal and private.

Establish boundaries regarding what you’re comfortable sharing and ensure that your loved ones understand and respect your need for privacy.

It’s okay to set limits and redirect conversations when they become too intrusive or uncomfortable.

Simply state, “That’s all I’m ready to talk about at the moment”. End of story.

Final Thoughts – Telling Your Loved Ones About Divorce

Telling family and friends about your divorce is a significant step in facing the reality of your marriage ending.

It’s challenging when you have to have a difficult conversation many times over. You can make it easier on yourself by being prepared with an ‘elevator speech’ ready to go and by being assertive when you want to end the conversation for now.

Remember, your decision to pursue a divorce is about prioritising your happiness and creating a healthier future. Stay true to yourself, seek support when needed, and approach the process with compassion for both yourself and your loved ones.

Read more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

I’m Carol Madden, a Post-Divorce Life Coach working with women around the world from my online practice.

I work with women who have been divorced for two years or more and thought they’d feel better by now. They’re functioning and getting on with life, but still struggling to let go, heal and move forward in their new post-divorce lives.

I’ve been through divorce myself, and that experience led me to this work. I know what it’s like to look fine on the outside while still carrying grief, guilt, confusion and all the unanswered questions underneath, even several years later.

I also know what it takes to come out the other side and build a life that feels good again.

I help women get to the heart of what’s holding them back, stop looking backwards and find the strength to move forward, even when it feels hard.

Discover me on social media:

You might be interested in

The Impact of Alcohol on Relationships
Photo by Vinicius "amnx" Amano on Unsplash.
//

The Impact of Alcohol on Relationships

Published on
Dr Farrukh Alam
Dr Farrukh Alam
Lead Consultant Psychiatrist & Medical Director
Addcounsel & Orchestrate Health

The impact of alcohol on relationships is widespread and whilst drinking is often an enjoyable part of many different social activities, for many people, it can also be a source of conflict in their relationships, especially when consumption is excessive. Alcohol is normalised across many cultures, yet even though it is not harmful in moderation, it can also be problematic when used to excess especially in an already strained relationship. In some cases, alcohol misuse can put a serious strain on intimate relationships and has the potential to lead to separation issues in some couples and can negatively impact a relationship to the point of breakup or divorce.

How excessive alcohol use can affect a relationship:

  • Create intimacy problems and decrease in sex drive!
  • Lack of emotional availability and affection
  • Impaired judgement, increased irritability, and extreme mood swings
  • Feelings of depression and anxiety
  • Negative effect on family dynamics
  • Questioning of shared values
  • Levels of respect
  • Mistrust

Potential physical health problems of alcohol misuse include:

  • High blood pressure
  • Increased risk of heart and liver disease
  • Cancer of the breast, colon, liver, throat, and mouth
  • Weakened immune system.

If you’re worried about yours or a loved one’s drinking habits, ask yourself if:

you feel you should cut down on your drinking

other people have been criticising your drinking

you feel guilty or bad about your drinking

you need to drink first thing in the morning to steady your nerves or get rid of hangover

Signs of excessive alcohol use

Excessive alcohol use can have dire effects on the affected individual, whether their level of alcohol use is mild, moderate, or severe. If you believe that someone you love may have an alcohol use disorder, there are some common signs that can help you in figuring it out. If you wish to help yourself, or someone you know who may be affected, speak to a professional as soon as you can.

Approaching a person about their alcohol use can be a touchy subject, and without a careful and informed approach, the individual may feel attacked or confronted, meaning that a positive response is unlikely. If you feel like alcohol has been affecting your relationships, speak to an addiction professional, like a counsellor or an interventionist. They can guide you on how to best approach the situation and help you maintain your own balance and security throughout.

Dr Farrukh Alam BSc, MBChB, MRCPsych comments: “Relationship problems are a common result of alcohol use disorder as alcohol can change a person’s personality and this can have a detrimental impact on intimacy and partnerships. Where alcohol misuse has been established over a long period of time, the whole family dynamic may grow and shape itself around the addictive behaviour, often resulting in unhealthy, sometimes toxic relationships either between a couple, parent/child relationship or both and left untreated, alcohol use disorder can negatively impact a marriage, storing up trauma for future generations. However, people don’t have to suffer alone, talking to an expert can have great effectiveness in helping couples and families who are struggling with a substance use disorder”.

About Dr Farrukh Alam

Dr Alam is an internationally renowned expert in assessment and treatment of drug, alcohol, and other addictive disorders. He is accredited as having specialist expertise in this field by the GMC and, for over 25 years, has treated thousands of patients with a variety of addictive disorders.

After completing his medical training at the Universities of St Andrews and Manchester, his psychiatric training was carried out at national drug and alcohol units at The Maudsley Hospital, London. He is a member of the Royal College of Psychiatrists and has specialist accreditation in general psychiatry and treatment of addiction. He also holds the position Associate Medical Director for the NHS Central and North West London Foundation Trust.

In  July 2018,  he joined luxury rehab Addcounsel and sister company leading private community mental health service Orchestrate Health as Lead Consultant Psychiatrist and Medical Director. Dr Alam has a commitment to providing the best quality care and is responsible for the clinical safety of all patients. Working with people struggling with affective mood disorders, his specialist area is addiction (chemical and behavioural), helping people with alcohol, drug, and other compulsive behaviours, to achieving recovery and maintaining a happy life.

He has presented on the topic of addiction to a wide audience, including international conferences, House of Lords, and is widely published in international literature and media.

Dr Farrukh Alam holds Medico-Legal Expert’s Certificate, accredited by City University London & The Inns of Court School of Law. He has prepared psychiatric medico-legal reports for 25 years and prepares approximately 40 reports a year.

His current national roles include Clinical Advisor to the Civil Aviation Authority.

For more information or to arrange an interview with Dr Alam, please contact Natalie Clarke at Love PR London natalie@loveprlondon.com or call 07796 675950.

More about Addcounsel and Orchestrate Health

Offering expert private treatment for a range of addictive and mental health disorders, Addcounsel treat just one client at a time in luxury private accommodation in London, providing 24/7 medically led care from highly qualified mental health care professionals including doctors, psychiatrists, nutritionists, therapists, and addiction specialists. Addcounsel provides complete anonymity to high net worth and ultra-high net worth individuals and their families, for whom group recovery simply wouldn’t work. The model has proven highly successful and Addcounsel has treated hundreds of clients from around the world.

Orchestrate Health is London’s leading private community mental health service supporting patients and enabling them to be cared for online and/or at home by providing live-in mental health specialists, home assessments and daily visits from professionals within the mental health field.

You might be interested in

Take a Getaway to Refresh Your Mental Health After Divorce.
Image via Pexels.
//

Take a Getaway to Refresh Your Mental Health After Divorce

Published on

Most people enter a marriage with hopes of the union lasting a lifetime, but broken promises and changing circumstances can make staying together untenable. The sudden disruption of the family unit and daily routine can unsettle you and leave you scrambling for a way to move forward.

Jump Start Your Fitness Regimen

A physical journey can symbolise and lay the foundation for the beginning of a new fitness journey. Research shows that exercise boosts your mental health along with your physical well-being. A resort may offer stimulating and relaxing wellness activities. Stay moving during your retreat by taking tours and excursions by walking, biking, kayaking, or another method of active travel.

New cultures and experiences may open up unique nutritious cuisine. Review menus ahead of restaurant visits to find healthy options. Seek fresh food preparation ideas and recipes that avoid excess sugars and cheap fats and add a few to your diet.

Get in Touch With Nature

The outdoors offers a perfect time to meditate and ponder where you’ve been and where you want to head next. Forest bathing relieves many ailments and enhances your mood. Of course, you can substitute the beach, snowy mountains, or any natural setting for the forest as long as you enjoy an unhurried and peaceful time outdoors. Bring the practice back home with you for re-centering yourself in stressful moments.

Strengthen Old Relationships

Going through a divorce can be a challenging and emotionally taxing experience for anyone involved. During this time, it’s important to prioritize your mental health and wellbeing. Seeking out emotional support and counselling can be an effective way to cope with the stressors and challenges that come along with divorce.

By addressing and working through your feelings with a trained professional, you can begin to heal and move forward in a positive direction. Mental health support can also help ensure that you are equipped to make informed decisions about your future and your relationships with others.

Make New Healthy Friendships

Beware of rebound relationships to avoid dealing with unresolved issues. Spend time getting to know yourself, but don’t restrict yourself from forming new bonds with someone who supports you with honesty, integrity, and empathy. Your trip may allow you to meet new people who become lifelong loved ones.

Strengthen Old Relationships

If stress or an unhealthy marriage caused you to neglect sincere friends and family, a trip together can help you restore the relationship. Focus on each other, and don’t use the time to rehash old wounds. Steer the conversation away from your ex and remain positive. If you travel alone, reflect on the good people in your life and send warm greetings to loved ones back home to reaffirm your affection.

Plan Your Trip Now

If you’re ready for a getaway to rejuvenate your mind and spirit, use these tips to plan your trip:

  • Set your budget. Resources may be in flux as your divorce legal team guides you to a fair settlement. Figure out what you can afford and if you can travel far away or need to stay closer to home.
  • Fix your timeframe. Kids and work may affect how long you can break away. Try to at least take a long weekend so you can settle into your mental refresh for a day or two without travel.
  • Find your destination and accommodations. If you can’t head to your ideal retreat, find a spot that offers something similar. Set alerts for special offers on travel sites. Plane fares and hotel stays are often cheaper during the week and calmer because of fewer patrons.

Secure Your Home

Securing your home when you travel, by installing a home security system, locking all doors and windows, enlisting a trusted neighbor to keep an eye out, and setting lights on a timer or with smart home technology can help deter potential intruders and safeguard your property and belongings while you’re away.

Additionally, taking extra precautions such as pausing mail and newspaper delivery, removing spare keys from hiding places, and updating social media settings to avoid announcing your absence can further increase safety and security. If you’re adding security features to your home, be sure to document any upgrades as they could raise your home’s appraised value.

Take Time to Reset and Refresh

Dramatic changes require time and reflection to process the transition correctly. Use a personal retreat to rejuvenate your mental and emotional health and start the next chapter of your life on solid footing.

Are you looking for more helpful resources about life after divorce? Then add The Divorce Magazine to your weekly e-reading list!

Read more articles by Daniel Sherwin.

About Daniel

Daniel is a single dad raising two children. At DadSolo.com, he aims to provide other single dads with information and resources to help them better equip themselves on the journey that is parenthood.

You might be interested in

Is it a rebound? - Get clear before you date again after divorce.
Photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash.
///

Is It a Rebound? – Get Clear Before you Date Again After Divorce

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

“Make peace with solitude.” — Eckhart Tolle

Fifteen years.

That’s how long it had been since I was single when my marriage ended. No wonder I had to ask myself the question –

“Who the hell am I now that I’m on my own?”.

Being single again after a long-term relationship or marriage ends is an extremely disorientating feeling. At times, it’s almost as if you don’t recognise yourself.

When my marriage ended, I had to sit with the broken pieces of myself, wondering where to from here. Sometimes, the silence was deafening.

Our custody schedule was 50/50, week on and week off. So every second week, I had to come home from work and do the slow walk around the house. Peering into my kids’ bedrooms and feeling like a complete failure.

All my negative self-talk would rain down on my head.

Guilt.

Loneliness.

Uncertainty.

Self-doubt.

In the early days, it wasn’t unusual for me to spend some time in the hallway crying and trying not to fall apart entirely.

I didn’t know how to be single. I didn’t know how to be alone.

Before my marriage, I’d had long periods of being single, which wasn’t a big deal. I had many friends I could catch up with, or I lived with roommates who provided company.

Divorce is so different because you go from years of having a house full of noise and kids to absolute nothingness. Most of your friends are still married or in new relationships.

Initially, you’re emotionally raw, so trying to socialise with the people you used to see as a couple can trigger feelings of shame that you weren’t able to hold your family together while they were.

Often, this is when people start to think about meeting someone else. It feels like the cure for feelings of loneliness and despair. Many of us believe that being in a new relationship is the natural next step after one ends.

But there’s a risk you take when you try to date too soon after a significant relationship ends; beware of the rebound!

What defines a ‘rebound’ relationship?

Rebound relationships are built on a foundation of neediness rather than genuine connection. When you’re going through a divorce, you are still reeling from the emotional upheaval, and the need for companionship can be overwhelming.

Rebound relationships are a way of masking pain. They relieve the overwhelming loneliness that blindsides us after being in a partnership for so long.

These feelings can drive you into a relationship for the wrong reasons rather than an honest desire to begin building a solid and healthy relationship based on mutual love and respect.

The problem with rebounds is that they are only temporary relief.

Imagine if you broke your leg and someone offered you morphine but didn’t set the broken bone back in place.

You’d feel good while you’re on the morphine, but once it wears off, the pain of your broken leg is still there. Only it’s worse because you haven’t correctly set it.

It’s similar when you try to mask loneliness and a fear of being alone by entering a relationship without truly knowing what you want or, more importantly, what you’re realistically able to offer someone.

This doesn’t mean that you can’t entertain the idea of dating again. But to keep yourself and others safe from more emotional chaos, you should be clear about what you’re prepared to give someone.

Don’t jump in without being honest with yourself and the person (people?) you are dating about what you are ready to give and receive.

Honesty is important

If you only want a physical relationship, being upfront is ok. When I was first divorced, it was music to my ears when I dated someone who told me he wasn’t looking for anything serious because I knew that I wasn’t in a position to make a serious commitment either.

We both agreed that it was only casual, and when we parted ways a few months later, we maintained a friendship.

You may hold back from being honest with someone because you think that they’ll reject you or because you don’t want to hurt their feelings by admitting that you only see them being in your life for the short term.

However, being upfront allows you to see if they have the same reasons for dating as you do. If they don’t, trust me, it’s much better than trying to extricate yourself from an awkward situation further down the track.

Not only that but if you aren’t upfront and that person is triggered emotionally by feelings of rejection, it can turn bad quickly.

This happened to a good friend of mine a few years ago. He was dating a woman he considered casual, although they’d never talked about what they were to each other. In the meantime, he was still talking to other women on a dating app.

One evening she saw a message come up on his phone from another woman, and she accused him of ‘cheating’. She took his cell phone and bit it so hard that the screen cracked. He eventually had to call the police because she refused to leave his house.

Yes, this is an extreme case. But it highlights how indecision and miscommunication can put you in an emotionally charged situation. By being clear with the people you are dating, you are avoiding putting yourself in a position that you may not be ready to deal with.

Suppose your relationship has ended within the last two years. In that case, the chances are high that you are still carrying a lot of unresolved feelings and thoughts about your experience, which could impact the quality of the relationship you’re trying to create now.

Two years is obviously not a timeline that is set in stone. Some people will take less time to heal, and others will take more.

In the two years after my divorce, I unintentionally used someone as a rebound and ended up being someone else’s rebound.

Both felt really bad.

I felt guilty when I had to end the first one and completely heartbroken when I realized the second one had used me. That one took a very long time to get over, putting my recovery back by years.

Takeaway

In an ideal world, we would all be equipped to face our solitude and loneliness without reaching for others to try and take away our pain and discomfort.

The reality is that most of us will want to connect with someone else and date again before we feel genuinely sure about the type of commitment we want.

You can avoid the pitfalls of ending up in an unhealthy relationship by being intentional and mindful about what you are looking for. Take some time to reflect on what you hope to gain by entering into another relationship.

Write down in detail what you want before you put yourself out there. Casual? Committed? Purely physical? Friends only? Anything is on the table as long as you’re being honest with yourself.

Get clear before you go out there, and you can protect yourself from the trap of a time-consuming and painful rebound.

Read more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

I’m Carol Madden, a Post-Divorce Life Coach working with women around the world from my online practice.

I work with women who have been divorced for two years or more and thought they’d feel better by now. They’re functioning and getting on with life, but still struggling to let go, heal and move forward in their new post-divorce lives.

I’ve been through divorce myself, and that experience led me to this work. I know what it’s like to look fine on the outside while still carrying grief, guilt, confusion and all the unanswered questions underneath, even several years later.

I also know what it takes to come out the other side and build a life that feels good again.

I help women get to the heart of what’s holding them back, stop looking backwards and find the strength to move forward, even when it feels hard.

Discover me on social media:

You might be interested in

Divorce Can Bring Gratitude - Here's What It Taught Me
Photo by Gabrielle Henderson on Unsplash.
////

Divorce Can Bring Gratitude – Here’s What It Taught Me

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

“Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change.” — Dr Wayne Dyer

Life is about learning lessons. We are all just living in one giant university, all of us choosing our own areas of study through the choices we make.

We all have entirely different teachers, starting with our parents and families, then our friendships and, later, our love relationships. When you begin to view life as a lifelong classroom, you start to see all of your experiences through a different lens.

Life Lessons From My Divorce

Divorce taught me some of life’s hardest lessons, but I am grateful for them now that I am looking back.

These lessons can only be learnt after the fullness of time. My hope is that you will be able to use some of this to anchor yourself in the coming months and years if you are experiencing the end of your relationship.

Let’s dive in.

Nobody can escape impermanence

Impermanence is the realisation that the things we think will always be there and take for granted can be gone one day. When I signed the papers on my wedding day, I was sure I would be in a loving relationship for the rest of my life. Divorce hit me like a truck and made me question everything else.

If this could be over, what else could be over?

While this is a sobering realisation, it is an essential life lesson because impermanence affects every single person at some point: death, job losses, natural disasters, illness. Nothing is forever.

By knowing and accepting that, rather than denying anything so painful could happen, we set ourselves up to face the inevitable adversity of life with an inner confidence and strength that will get us through our darkest times.

Love does not conquer all

When I was in the first years of marriage, I truly believed that no matter what came our way, our love for each other would be strong enough to survive all of life’s challenges.

It was a profoundly sad feeling to realise that this wasn’t true. Love does not conquer all. Relationships are dynamic entities that evolve and change, sometimes out of our control.

There are no guarantees that you will grow in the same direction. You can’t control another person, so it’s naive to think that you will always be able to make a relationship work if you put in enough effort.

In the words of the Don Henley song, ‘Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough’.

People change in fundamental ways over time

In my twenties and thirties, I genuinely believed that who I was and who other people were was set in concrete.

Sure, I could change jobs, interests, political ideals or friendship groups, but I never understood how much people can change fundamentally back then. When two people change in opposite ways over many years, it’s not the same two who entered the relationship anymore.

This is what happened with my ex-husband and I. When I look at us both now, we are polar opposites of the people who looked at each other and made vows on our wedding day. We know that if we were to meet today, we wouldn’t be drawn to each other; we are just too different at the core.

I have a shadow self

The term ‘shadow self’ was coined by psychoanalyst Carl Jung to describe the parts of our personality that we hide because we find them unacceptable. You can find out more by reading this article by Andrea M. Darcy.

Separation showed me that after living with emotional stress for years, you have no idea what you’re capable of when you hit rock bottom. When past pain and trauma come out, you think and act in ways you barely recognise.

Just admitting that I didn’t want to be married anymore was a massive blow to my beliefs about my identity. I started to see myself as a failure and someone capable of inflicting pain on others. I couldn’t bear admitting that about myself.

However, this realisation has helped me accept myself as a whole person, flaws and all. I am much more forgiving of myself today. The flow-on effect is that I am more accepting and forgiving of humanity as a whole. This new mindset has given me a level of inner peace that I never thought was possible.

Realising that my ex-husband has a shadow too

When I married him, I thought he was the kindest, most caring and loyal person in the world. As it became apparent that he wasn’t always kind, didn’t always have my best interests at heart, and could see himself living without me in his life (in other words, he was human), I experienced the most significant blow of all.

It sounds dramatic, but it felt like I was living with a complete stranger in the last months before we separated. Many things I thought I knew about him turned out to be wrong. I had to accept that fact, and he had to accept the same about me.

People are judgemental

Given that the global divorce rate is still high, you would think that divorce stigma would have lifted a lot more than it has. It’s incredible how often people make flippant comments about divorced families that cut you to the core.

Now that my kids are in their teens, I see how they are happy and thriving compared to many of their friends whose parents are still married.

Having divorced parents does not make kids destined to have trouble later in life, and that’s something I will never shut up about because it causes so much anxiety in new co-parents.

If this happens to me now, I let it go immediately. Anyone who judges me for going through a divorce lacks the ability to view the world from any perspective except their own, and who cares what someone that narrow-minded thinks?

The true meaning of being alone after divorce

I love having time to myself; I’m a person who recharges by having time alone. But nothing prepares you for the loneliness of not having a partner to share life with.

In the first year after a divorce, I shifted into autopilot, almost running on adrenaline most of the time. There was a sense of relief that the stress of living in a dying relationship was finally over.

After that first year, though, when I started to ‘do life’ on my own, I began feeling intense loneliness and isolation. These uncomfortable feelings were my primary motivation for wanting to create a new relationship, which ended up being toxic and unhealthy.

It was great at the beginning when I didn’t have to deal with being lonely, but after the honeymoon period ended, all the dysfunction started to rear its head.

Three years later, I was back to square one — still, nobody to talk to and more grief to deal with. I’m determined not to do that to myself again, so I’m choosing to stay ‘single on purpose’ until I’m ready to find a partner for the right reasons, not just a distraction for bouts of loneliness.

Friends have limited bandwidth for my heartache

After divorce, friendships can go quiet. A few months into my struggles, I realised my friends had busy lives and little time to talk to me when I felt down.

Initially, I was hurt by this, but looking back now, I can see it was the ‘Nobody Can Save You’ module of life. The emotional journey of recovery from grief and loss is yours alone. Your friends love you but can’t do it for you, even if they want to.

I’m particularly grateful for this lesson as it helped me rediscover my love of journaling and writing to deal with times when I feel lonely or sad. I learnt that I have more strength and resilience than I gave myself credit for and that I don’t need anyone to rescue me.

Takeaway

It’s helpful to see your divorce as a graduation from the university of life. Nobody wants to go through all of life’s brutal lessons, but if we think we can get out of here without living through some serious pain, we are fooling ourselves.

It’s totally up to us how we want to work through the pain of recovery and come out the other side. No matter how much we feel like circumstances are stacked against us, we have the power to decide.

My greatest personal achievement is feeling emotionally equipped for whatever comes my way. By accepting impermanence and creating strategies to deal with it, my life has now become something I can face head-on, and I feel confident that no matter what comes my way, I can get myself through it.

For this, I am grateful.

Read more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

I’m Carol Madden, a Post-Divorce Life Coach working with women around the world from my online practice.

I work with women who have been divorced for two years or more and thought they’d feel better by now. They’re functioning and getting on with life, but still struggling to let go, heal and move forward in their new post-divorce lives.

I’ve been through divorce myself, and that experience led me to this work. I know what it’s like to look fine on the outside while still carrying grief, guilt, confusion and all the unanswered questions underneath, even several years later.

I also know what it takes to come out the other side and build a life that feels good again.

I help women get to the heart of what’s holding them back, stop looking backwards and find the strength to move forward, even when it feels hard.

Discover me on social media:

You might be interested in

Start redesigning your life and creating your dream future after divorce.
Photo by Med Badr Chemmaoui on Unsplash.
//

Redesigning your Life After Divorce – Part 3: Start Redesigning your Life and Creating your Dream Future.

Published on
Dr Jennifer Ulie
Dr Jennifer Ulie
Founder & CEO
Mensana Wellness Solutions

In this three-part series on redesigning your life post-divorce, Part One explored what is at stake and the damage high levels of toxic stress can have on your body. In Part Two, we discussed words of wisdom to help you cope with life after divorce. In Part Three, we are focusing on exactly how to redesign your life post-divorce and start your best life chapter yet. Whether you want to start a new career, travel the world, or find a fulfilling relationship, the possibilities are endless. You deserve to live your best life.

  1. Pay attention to how you’re feeling and what you need. You do not win a medal for trying to numb yourself or push through if you’re struggling. Consider what data you have access to that can paint an accurate picture of how you’re doing (your phone is a wealth of data like screen time, steps, or even doctor’s visits or comments from friends). Get help if you need it.

 

  1. Let go of what isn’t serving you. Spend an evening with a journal and yourself and make a list of everything that isn’t serving you. If it isn’t helping you to thrive, then add it to the list. Then once you have your list decide which of those you can control. As much as we all wish we could control others’ thoughts and actions, sometimes, you cannot so focus on the things you have control over. Once you have that list, I want you to write it on a sheet of paper and burn it. You do not need it anymore, so it’s time to get rid of it.

 

  1. Reclaim your identity. While a divorce can be painful and stressful, it is also an opportunity to start a new chapter where you become the main character again. Keep sight of who you are at your core and who you want to be. Reflecting on your past and understanding how you’ve developed the habits and patterns you currently have will help you plan your next steps for living the life you deserve. If you do not already have a journal, I highly recommend getting one or using one on your phone. It’s an excellent opportunity to reflect, vent, and have gratitude for how amazing you are.

 

  1. Self-discovery with evidence-based practices. Try new things you may have never done to see what works for you. Pay attention to evidence-based practices versus what someone told you to do on social media. Some strong starters are meditation, journaling, moving your body, gratitude, and deep breathing.

 

  1. Envision your ideal life. Remember how a few steps ago you reflected on your identity, your past, and who you are, now it’s time to really start to build your future. In your journal or use a vision board, and include as many details as you can think of for how you want your ideal life to look. Who is in it? What are you doing? Hang this on your mirror as a daily reminder of where you are headed.

 

  1. Give yourself a lot of grace. One of the biggest things you need right now is to have a lot of grace with yourself. You are going through a lot right now, so I want you to be intentionally gentle with yourself. In your journal, make a list of everything you are so grateful for yourself for. I want you to keep this list handy so that when you get frustrated or down on yourself, you have this reminder that you’re pretty amazing.

 

  1. Execute boundaries in every area of your life. This one is hard but essential. In your journal (maybe using the list of things you need to let go of), decide which of these you can address with stronger boundaries. Before you go down a rabbit hole of worrying if it will offend your friend or family if you ask for time or your employer if you don’t work 80-hour weeks, remember this is your life, and you only get one shot at it. Going through a divorce is a trauma similar to your body going through a sizeable medical event. You need to ensure that you set up lanes of what you need and explicitly and unapologetically communicate them to others.

 

  1. Lean into your social support. Be careful and wise with who you allow into your close circle of support. Make sure you choose those that consistently elevate you and are champions of all things you. It is a sign of strength to ask for help and get professional help when you need it. If you even remotely think you need it, talk to someone.

 

  1. Nourish yourself consistently. Your body is like a garden, so you cannot just plant the seed and walk away. Instead, you need to always show up for yourself to evaluate what you need and then make sure you give it to yourself. Your body and mind need your vigilance.

Divorce is undoubtedly one of the hardest things you will ever do, but you have to remember that you were amazing before you were married and will be amazing after. You have the strength, skills, and support to navigate tough times, but ask for help when needed. Be intentional in starting and celebrating your next chapter because the possibilities and opportunities are endless to create a life you have only dreamt about having.

Read the rest of the “Redesigning your Life After Divorce” series here.

About Dr Jennifer Ulie

Over the last two decades, Jennifer Ulie, Ph.D., has become a trusted voice and award-winning expert on building sustainable personal and organizational systems of mental, social & emotional wellness. Having presented to tens of thousands of professionals, she is a highly sought-after thought leader & public speaker for her wit, knowledge, relatability, and engaging talks.

Dr. Ulie is the founder and CEO of Mensana Wellness Solutions. She has been a teacher, professor, nonprofit founder & Executive Director, legislative advocate, school board member, and legal expert witness. She has founded, launched, and led countless stakeholder groups, coalitions, conferences, programs, and online courses & certifications.

She sits on multiple regional and national professional organizations, advisory boards, and boards of directors. She has published peer-reviewed articles and is an academic journal peer reviewer. Dr. Ulie has been featured on multiple media outlets, including CBS, NBC, ABC, Fox, NPR, and PBS. She can be contacted at mymensana.com or on social media @mymensana.

You might be interested in

The words of wisdom to help you cope with life after divorce.
Photo by Alex Shute on Unsplash.
///

Redesigning your Life After Divorce – Part 2: The Words of Wisdom to Help you Cope with Life After Divorce

Published on
Dr Jennifer Ulie
Dr Jennifer Ulie
Founder & CEO
Mensana Wellness Solutions

A divorce can be a gift in creating an even better life for yourself. In this three-part series, we are exploring creating your dream life post-divorce. In Part One, we discussed what was at stake and the impact of stress on the body. In Part Two, we will discuss words of wisdom to help you cope with life after divorce. By taking a proactive approach to personal growth, you can turn the end of your marriage into an opportunity for self-discovery and transformation.

I have some specific steps and exercises for you to work through to help get you on the path to healing, but first, I thought I would share a few words of advice as someone that has been the child of a divorce, walked through a divorce myself, and worked with many people that are also struggling with a divorce.

  1. You get to feel what you feel—part one.

No two divorces are the same, nor are the people going through them. As you proceed through a divorce, sometimes people don’t know what to say, or they say something that they think is helpful like, “You’ll be fine. Just start moving on. For the sake of your kids don’t show emotion.” While they may be well-intentioned, at the end of the day, you are the only person going through your divorce in your shoes, so you get to feel however the heck you want to feel. A divorce is a grieving experience for what the life you wanted to have and a significant life change to orchestrate. You may find that one day you feel one emotion, and the next, you think another. However, you feel it is perfectly correct for you.

  1. You get to feel what you feel—part two.

A few months after we started our separation, I was at my obstetrician for my regular check-up. He asked how I was, and I started crying. I explained everything that was happening, and I couldn’t stop crying. He told me he would prescribe an anti-depressant because my emotions were making it hard for me to function successfully, and the stress could impact not just my child inutero but both of my kids.

I cried my way through a thank you and started my new med the next day. Within a few days, I stopped crying and could not only be functional but began to be hopeful and possibly excited for my new chapter.

I share this because you do not have to suffer through the pain. You do not win a medal if you “push through it” while absolutely miserable. You get to feel whatever you feel, but you also deserve to be happy, healthy, and to start to heal and thrive.

Lean into your support system, and do not be afraid to ask for help. If you feel like you are in a crisis, dial 988. They do not just support people who are fully suicidal. They support people at any stage along the way. So if you are thinking about harming yourself or anyone else, please call.

I also refer people to Psychology Today to look up therapists. Typically it shows a picture, their specialties, and other background information to help you choose. If you are a parent, there is no better skill and strength to model to your children than asking for help when needed.

  1. Make time for yourself.

I know this sounds cliché and like an impossible feat when you already have so many plates spinning on a good day, but now, with a divorce in the mix. Yet it’s vital, and let me tell you why.

Unfortunately, when we go through a divorce, most of us do not have the luxury of halting our previous obligations like our jobs, bills, if we have kids- raising them, and all of the other commitments relying on us. That said, we are human and can only handle so much.

Think of yourself as a bottle of soda (or pop, depending on where you grew up), and then think of your stress as shaking the bottle. Most days, we give that bottle a good shake at least a few times throughout the day. Some days we get lucky, and

there are fewer shakes. Adding a divorce into the mix is like putting that bottle of soda into the paint-shaking machine at the paint store. Your bottle of soda is being constantly shaken with stress.

Remember we talked earlier about the impact of stress on your body, so you will need to be very intentional in countering that stress impact to minimize damage to your body now and in the future. If you do not actively try to reduce that stress, your bottle will eventually hit its breaking point and explode. Trust me, you do not want that.

One way to take your bottle of soda out of the paint shaker is to intentionally make time for yourself. Every. Single. Day. I’m not asking you to carve out three hours a day, but when you can, I definitely would. Even five minutes a day to do something that brings you joy is imperative to allow your brain to decompress and work towards reregulating your nervous system.

I recommend that you plan ahead of time when you are making this time and what you are doing because if your plan is to crash on the couch every night and drown yourself in sorrows with a six-pack, that will only shake your bottle of soda more. The goal is to give yourself time to escape from your situation to pour into yourself.

Incidentally, alcohol is a depressant, so while you may feel numb while you’re drinking, the next day may feel worse, which is why we start to see addictions take shape because to feel okay, we self-medicate with substances regularly.

Instead, I recommend spending time with family and friends. They are an incredibly uplifting distraction, and laughing is an excellent medicine for increasing serotonin. Other suggestions are forcing yourself to go on a walk, even if it’s just around the block, meditating, enjoying a hobby, putting together a puzzle, reading a book or journal, going on a road trip, going to a movie/theatre/festival/concert, remember you’re choosing whatever brings you joy.

  1. Mindfulness versus the UFC of Life

I think of divorce as the UFC of life sometimes. Two people in a ring with very few rules. If you want to see the worst of someone, watch them during a divorce. It doesn’t mean that all people that go through divorce show their worst sides, but

sometimes these once-in-love people morph into someone they don’t even recognize.

We have different parts of our brains that develop as we age, from the back to the front. One of our brains’ last pieces to fully develop is the prefrontal cortex, typically in our mid-20s.

The prefrontal cortex is responsible for rational decision-making, good judgment, and other critical executive functioning. Unfortunately, a divorce is traumatic, so your brain automatically goes into survival mode using the back of your brain, throwing some of your best judgment and decision-making out the window.

The only way to get your prefrontal cortex out of survival mode is to activate your parasympathetic nervous system, which helps calm the body and allows your prefrontal cortex to activate again.

Some of the best evidence-based ways to do that are through mindfulness, such as deep breathing, meditation, or moving your body (yoga, running, brisk walking). Mindfulness is being more aware of yourself and your emotions, which ultimately helps you regulate your whole self.

This holds true for your ex as well. The more either of you goes into survival mode, the less likely you will be able to execute rational judgment and decision-making. Consider embedding these strategies in your routine and before any challenging moments.

  1. You are going to be okay.

Divorce is scary for a lot of reasons. You may wonder how you will financially make it or feel like it will be hard to date again at whatever age you are. The reality is that you will adapt and make it work.

The biggest secret to your success will be your support network. Make sure you carefully choose people in your closest circle who can listen non-judgmentally but are willing to support you unconditionally.

They are the ones you trust to say that you have no food in the house or you need someone to watch the kids, and you know that they will be there for you every time. They don’t judge your situation, instead do everything they can to elevate you.

These are your people, and your people will help you find the things you need and be ready to catch you when you fall.

  1. When kids are involved

I remember being positive that our divorce would destroy our children forever. However, some of the best advice I ever received was:

“The kids will handle it as well as the parents, so if you co-parent and seek to do what’s best for your kids, they will be fine. If you are committed to being angry, hating their other parent, and talking bad about them to your child, your child will know, and then you run the risk of destroying them and their ability to have a happy, healthy, and functional life.”

That one hit me hard because it was a potent reminder of how critical it was that I was mindful of how I proceeded. Divorce is considered a trauma for all involved, but how the adults behave impacts the extent of potential damage and opportunities for healing.

Over the years, I have seen too many divorced parents still holding onto the anger, resentment and continuing to openly try to manipulate each other, even years later, with their child having a front-row seat.

That anger doesn’t bring your ex suffering, it brings you suffering. Holding onto it weighs you down and limits your ability to open yourself to find joy and happiness again. Acknowledge and thank your emotions for trying to protect you, and then say goodbye to them because they are not serving you well. If it isn’t elevating your life, you don’t need it.

As a teacher, I can say with 100% certainty that while you may not be able to see the damage physically, you are doing to your child, the emotional scars are long-lasting. I see it in how they relate to each other, how they parrot what you’ve said to or about the other parent in their own social conversations, how they respond to stress, and how they address conflict resolution.

The statistics on children with divorced parents aren’t rosy, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Children of divorced parents are 20-30% more likely to have mental health issues and an increased likelihood of academic problems, aggression, and future relationship issues. The odds significantly rise with parents that have not

dealt with their own emotions independently of their children and actively work to co-parent without the anger and negative emotions.

While a divorce can be one of the most challenging life transitions you may experience it can also be the start of your best life chapter yet. In Part Three, we will discuss the step-by-step roadmap of holistic, evidence-based strategies to help you rediscover your identity, passions, and purpose after divorce. You deserve this.

Click here for part 1 of this series of articles in Redesigning Your Life after Divorce.

About Dr Jennifer Ulie

Over the last two decades, Jennifer Ulie, Ph.D., has become a trusted voice and award-winning expert on building sustainable personal and organisational systems of mental, social & emotional wellness. Having presented to tens of thousands of professionals, she is a highly sought-after thought leader & public speaker for her wit, knowledge, relatability, and engaging talks.

Dr. Ulie is the founder and CEO of Mensana Wellness Solutions. She has been a teacher, professor, nonprofit founder & Executive Director, legislative advocate, school board member, and legal expert witness. She has founded, launched, and led countless stakeholder groups, coalitions, conferences, programs, and online courses & certifications.

She sits on multiple regional and national professional organisations, advisory boards, and boards of directors. She has published peer-reviewed articles and is an academic journal peer reviewer. Dr. Ulie has been featured on multiple media outlets, including CBS, NBC, ABC, Fox, NPR, and PBS. She can be contacted at mymensana.com or on social media @mymensana.

You might be interested in

How toxic masculinity and femininity can affect a relationship/marriage.
Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash.
/

How Toxic Masculinity and Femininity Can Affect a Relationship / Marriage

Published on
Noel McDermott
Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

Toxic masculinity is discussed in mainstream media quite a lot having migrated from a narrow academic interest in gender studies course and come to cover a range of problematic behaviours around rigid gender roles.

In 2018, the American Psychological Association issued the first ever guidance on working with men and boys and issued alongside its guidance on working with harmful masculinity and violence. This is key to understanding the current situation and the focus on toxic masculinity.

In general broad-brush sense (excluding nuance of gender identity), men are socialised into acting out their psychological distress in aggressive and violent ways and women acting in distress in self harming ways. This is still pervasive.

Alongside this is the psychologically and therefore relationally destructive socialisation of unhealthy masculinity beliefs around denial of psychological distress, refusal of emotional intelligence and help seeking viewed as a weakness. Society is still largely structured on the notion that men provide rather than nurture.

In the UK, which has many dual income households, structural inequality still means men’s salaries provide the majority of a household’s income. These structural issues reinforce gender stereotypes.

Toxic femininity doesn’t really exist as a term but in this formulation could be understood as the ‘self-harm’ side of unhelpful female modelling and expectations. So, whilst men face most of society’s violence as victims and perpetrators (including being victims of suicide) women face eating disorders, high levels of anxiety and depression, direct self-harming behaviours, carer and financial struggles and of course male violence to women, especially rape.

It’s easy to see how extreme issues would negatively affect any relationship but it’s important to understand that all these issues exist on a spectrum of severity and in most cases don’t manifest at the early stages of a love relationship in extreme forms. They tend to emerge over time becoming more chronic with the stressors of life.

Intimate partner violence, for example, rarely starts when you are dating.

More often it is controlling behaviours and inflexibility that become more intrusive over time. In fact, it may not develop into violence at all but becomes normalised in the interaction creating high stress levels and fear, the so-called walking on eggshells to avoid triggering your partner. It may manifest in lack of attention, controlling through withholding and withdrawal to punish etc. Over time these destroy intimacy and safety, leading to significant psychological and other health issues.

One of the core needs we have as social animals is safe, predictable, loving relationships to form resilience in the face of life’s challenges. There is a very harmful view of resilience as coming from being exposed to threat and challenge, and in fact the opposite is true. We can demonstrate we are resilient by getting through challenge well, but the resilience predated the challenge and formed because of kind, loving, consistent relationships. Resilience is a consequence of strong attachments to other stable people where we can share our vulnerabilities.

Our social (animal) nature is what gives us the edge in terms of survival, allowing us to live in very complex social structures that mean we can combine skills and abilities for the greater good, what in general is termed prosocial behaviours and activities. As a matter of fact, the more prosocial we are the healthier we will be on all levels; psychologically, physically, financially, and relationally. Unhealthy masculinity in many ways promotes anti-social behaviours and attitudes.

Lacking resilience because of our lack of ability to form or maintain loving relationships will lead to developing unhealthy and unhelpful coping mechanisms, generally increasing our antisocial attitudes and behaviours. For many men this will look like withdrawal, rejection, substance misuse especially alcohol, hyper-sexual behaviours and cheating, or aggression and violence.

Unhealthy masculinity does not allow men to say, “I feel lonely, lost, broken” even though these are perfectly normal things to feel in life at times. The anti-social nature of the coping behaviours leads to a vicious cycle of greater isolation and rejection reducing resilience further.

Again, these things develop over time and one day a straw breaks the camel’s back with the relationship seeming to suddenly implode. The male in this situation is unlikely to learn a lesson from this and will often go on to find another partner to repeat the same mistakes or being unavailable and anti-social.

Children witnessing and experiencing this can find it very challenging and especially male sons.

Since the 1970’s mothers and daughters have been coming to terms with seismic changes in society and in what it is to be women with many daughters of the 70’s / 80’s etc feeling they had to reject their mums to be liberated. The current generation of women maybe not having to go through this pain.

Younger male adults and young men are having to face a world which is very different to the one their fathers grew up in requiring a new set of tools. Many fathers are ill-equipped to deal with these changes, unable to offer insights into their sons’ challenges in life and relationships. Many of course have adapted but sadly attacks on these adaptations are rife, with men being called ‘snowflakes’, or being attacked in the media for carrying their babies in carriers on their bodies for example. But many young men feel they have to reject their dads so they can have relationships that last or to thrive in a work world that is increasingly demanding of prosocial group work. There are very public relationships in which sons have clearly made these decisions leading to camps forming in support or in attack.

The social changes we seem to be witnessing in terms of the reformulation of many masculinities is unlikely to be smooth, but it is certainly needed.

About Noel McDermott

Noel McDermott has over 25 years’ experience creating unique mental health services in the independent sector and is considered an expert on mental health in the workplace, he is also the Founder of Mental Health Works Ltd.

Passionate about bringing high quality care and support to the vulnerable, he is an advocate of community care and the power of an at-home mental health care model that includes the affected individual, their family, and their workplace.

Well-known to the UK media, and regularly featured on channels including BBC Local Radio, 5News, LBC and SKY News, Noel also produces and presents The Well-Being Show, a weekly live podcast where he is joined by guests sharing stories on mental health issues.

Noel’s areas of expertise include mental health, addiction and recovery, trauma, social care, distance therapy, childcare, refugees, personal development and emotional health and wellbeing.

You might be interested in

1 … 4 5 6 7 8 9