stepparenting

Help Shape the Future of Support for Separated Families
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Help Shape the Future of Support for Separated Families

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Dr Soila Sindiyo
Counselling Psychologist and Founding Editor of The Divorce Magazine

We’ve been contacted by Dr Sarah Foley, Lecturer in Developmental Psychology at the University of Edinburgh, about an exciting new research project exploring parenting after divorce or separation.

The Parenting After Divorce or Separation Study aims to better understand family life and children’s wellbeing in different post-separation child arrangements, particularly in families who have not gone through the court system.

This research will help inform future support for separated parents and their children, filling an important gap in what we know about post-separation family experiences.

Who Can Take Part?

The research team is looking to hear from parents who:

  • Have children aged 4–8
  • Live in Scotland or England
  • Are comfortable taking part in English
  • Have been separated for at least six months
  • Have regular contact with their child
  • Do not have a court-ordered child arrangement

What’s Involved?

If you take part, you’ll be asked to:

  • Join a confidential online interview and complete a survey
  • Optionally involve your child in child-friendly storytelling or game-based activities

(These are completely optional and designed to be fun and engaging for children)

Participation is entirely voluntary and confidential.

How to Get Involved

If you meet the criteria above, or know someone who does, you can learn more and register your interest here.

For questions about the study, you can contact Dr Sarah Foley directly at:
sarah.foley@ed.ac.uk

We’ll be sharing the findings of this important research once the study is complete. By taking part, you’ll be helping to build a deeper understanding of how separated families live, parent, and thrive, and how support can be improved in the future.

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When You're Becoming a Stepparent, Be Present and Patient
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When You’re Becoming a Stepparent, Be Present and Patient

Published on
Tucker Lieberman
Tucker Lieberman
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

When you’re partnering with someone who already has a child, you can expect to play a significant role in that child’s life. As you move in with and marry your partner, your involvement with their child is likely to increase. The child may not feel comfortable with you immediately, and it’s OK to take it slow. Patience, compassion and steadiness make a big difference. 

Starting slow as a new parental figure

Children appreciate when adults take an interest in them. While you’re first getting to know your partner’s kids, observe the family dynamics and learn what the kids are like as individuals. You may not need to be hands-on at first. Just be present and actively witness what their family life is like. Gradually become part of it.

You might be inclined to give the children treats as a way of gaining their goodwill. However, spoiling them can make you a “Disneyland stepparent” — with your partner doing the hard work of child care, while you’re there for TV, ice cream and outings. This won’t be a good long-term dynamic, as it sets unrealistic expectations and leaves everyone frustrated.

At an early stage in your stepparenting role, you can simply affirm or gently enforce existing household rules. Later, you may take a more active disciplinary role. 

No one can force a child to feel a particular way about their stepparent. You can’t choose a child’s feelings nor when those feelings change. That shift may be internal and private to them, or they may share their feelings about you with other people they trust rather than conveying them to you directly.

Nonetheless, a parent can say that their child has to respect and obey their stepparent, while a stepparent can support and reinforce parent–child relationships.

Family intimacy grows over time. Hugging and other expressions of affection may happen when they seem natural or appropriate.

Meanwhile, keep putting effort into yourself and your new marriage.

  • Practice self-care. You matter too, and you show up best for others when you value yourself.
  • When you’re upset, take responsibility for your own feelings. Don’t make a child reassure you, predict your moods or accommodate your needs.
  • Pay attention to your spouse. It not only develops and deepens the relationship between the two of you, it enables you to show up for the kids too.
  • Encourage your spouse and their ex to cooperate on parenting matters. If they handle issues out of court, great. Don’t escalate drama.

Form a new sense of who you are as a family

Consciously choose your language. Your stepchild can give input on what they feel comfortable calling you — your first name or something else. This might be a part of your relationship that you can co-create.

Similarly, think about how you name your relationship to them. Originally, they were your partner’s kids. Once you’re married, you might call them your “stepkids”, but if the word “step” doesn’t feel right, maybe you refer to them as “our kids” or “the kids.”

You and your spouse should support the child’s other family relationships. Sometimes a stepparent adopts their stepchild, becoming the legal parent, after which (depending on the situation) the child may or may not have any contact with the former parent. But if the other parent will remain in the picture and you’ll remain the step-parent, you should enable appropriate parent–child contact.

It’s in the child’s best interests to keep their family connections, even if they don’t yet understand that. Respect those relationships and help preserve them. Don’t try to replace other important people in your step child’s life, especially their other parent. The child may suffer real loss when people come and go. Don’t give them a reason to resent or blame you later.

Allow your step child to have private time with both of their parents: your spouse and your spouse’s ex. Start your own unique activities with the child so they can come to understand and appreciate you as an individual.

As a married couple, when you welcome the kids back to your house after they’ve visited their other parent, respect the time they may need to settle back in. Handovers can be stressful, sad or confusing. You don’t have to pretend otherwise and push the kids to socialise if they need time to rest. Empathise, acknowledge their feelings and connect with them. And don’t interrogate the kids about what they did with their other parent.

If you’re bringing your own children to the marriage too, reassure them that your love for them won’t diminish just because you’ve remarried and have new stepchildren. Find ways you can all merge into a family. Kids of similar ages may form special bonds with each other.

Stepparenting is a role in which you’ll not only support your stepchild’s growth — you’ll grow too. Your stepparenting will be a big part of your family’s future.

Read more articles by Tucker Lieberman.

Read more articles by Custody X Change.

About Tucker Lieberman

Tucker Lieberman is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change. After a decade with an investment company focusing on saving for university, he now writes about co-parenting arrangements.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

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Doing it For the Kids: Co-Parenting Strategies For the New Year
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Doing it For the Kids: Co-Parenting Strategies For the New Year

Published on
Emma Alfieri - Co-Parenting
Emma Alfieri
Legal Director
Greene & Greene Solicitors

Following separation, often parents start the arrangements for their shared children without much of a plan whilst the family settle into their new situation.  Sometimes parents might adjust the arrangements over time until they can settle into a routine that suits the family.

Sadly, and often where there is poor communication and the co-parenting relationship is not a strong one, the arrangements later breakdown.

Cafcass, the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service say that if children experience poor inter-parental relations or do not know when they are next seeing the other parent, they are more likely to worry, especially if there are long gaps between visits without an explanation.  Therefore, it is important for separated parents to always put the children’s needs first, despite any differences with their former partner.

As a family lawyer, I am often approached by separated parents who seek to regulate the arrangements between them and the other parent.  Before considering Court intervention, there are a number of tools available that can help separated parents to co-parent more effectively:

  • A Parenting Plan – Parents can work together and formulate a Parenting Plan, which is a plan negotiated and agreed between the parents setting out what the arrangements for the child / children will be. For a free Parenting Plan template, visit: www.planningtogether.cafcass.gov.uk/plan
  • Parenting App – Where there is conflict between parents, and they struggle to communicate, a Parenting App should be considered. There are many free and paid Parenting Apps available, and the idea is that the App is used by the parents for discussion about the children only, and it can include things like calendars, ability to make audio and video calls, share expenses, make payments and maintain a secure text communication with the other parent.   Feedback from parents who have tried this have reported that limiting communication to an App has been helpful.
  • A parenting course. Attended alone or together, a parenting course can be a useful way for parents to gain insight about positive co-parenting and the benefits to the child / children. The courses usually consider how parents can effectively communicate and work together with the other parent to agree co-parenting arrangements without the need for Court intervention.
  • Mediation – If separated parents cannot agree the arrangements for the child / children, then they should consider Family Mediation. This is a process in which an independent professional trained Mediator helps the parents work out the arrangements for the children. The Mediator will help to try and find a solution which works for both parents.  The process is less stressful and significantly quicker than going to Court, and Mediators work with separating parents in ways that are flexible.  If separated parents do not want to be in the same space, then often remote Mediation sessions can take place.
  • Child Inclusive Mediation – This is a structured process which is suitable for older children where a qualified family mediator speaks to the child / children to ascertain their wishes and feelings. Where the children give permission, these wishes and feelings are then shared by the mediator with the parents in a separate feedback meeting. The parents can then use this information to agree the child arrangements moving forwards.

Conclusion

The risk to a deterioration in the child / children’s emotional wellbeing and mental health increases significantly where separated parents have a high level of conflict between them.  Therefore, separated parents are encouraged to consider how they can try and work together and communicate.

Remember that as children get older, often their needs will change. Therefore, when arrangements for children are made when children are very young, sometimes those arrangements could have a limited shelf life and later need to be reviewed – another reason to try and remain amicable with the other parent, where possible.

This is only intended to be a summary and not specific legal advice.

Read more articles by Emma Alfieri.

About Emma Alfieri

Emma Alfieri is a Legal Director at Suffolk firm Greene & Greene Solicitors.

Emma advises on all aspects of family law, including divorce and associated financial matters, disputes between cohabitants and child related disputes.

A member of Resolution, Emma is committed to resolving disputes as positively and agreeably as possible whilst also being motivated to obtain the best possible outcome for her clients.

Since 2012 Emma has been consistently recommended by the Legal 500 on an annual basis and in the most recent 2024 edition Emma is ranked as a “rising star”.

As an advocate of fault free divorce, Emma lobbied at Parliament with other members of Resolution in 2016 to bring about the recent changes to divorce law.

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Step Parenting: Ups and Downs
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Step Parenting: Ups and Downs

Published on
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Co-Founder
Divorceworkshop

At the tender age of 4 or 5, my small world suddenly included a new character – my stepmother. What my father had hoped would be a seamless blending of families turned out to be anything but. I can still vividly remember innocently requesting of her a task that, in my young mind, only my mom could accomplish – something truly extraordinary. Her response, tethered by the complexity of our situation, marked the beginning of what would become a challenging relationship.

As the years rolled by, the connection between us failed to blossom into the harmonious bond one might have hoped for. Now, in retrospect, those tumultuous years have inspired me to help those navigating the intricate journey of serious relationships after divorce, especially when children are involved.

Step Families: The Common Reality

Amidst high divorce rates for first-time marriages, it is even higher for second marriages, a crucial factor contributing to this trend is the intricate dynamics of blended families. Stepfamilies are prevalent in the U.S., U.K., and Canada, where a substantial portion of the population includes at least one step-relative. However, achieving harmony in a new stepfamily is not an immediate accomplishment; even under optimal conditions, it generally takes two to four years for the family to establish a cohesive rhythm in shared living

However, the journey is far from straightforward. Remarriage with children introduces intricate challenges, often contributing to a higher divorce rate. Issues like intolerance, competing needs, loyalty pressures, and sharing struggles can complicate the dynamics, potentially leading to conflicts that jeopardise relationships. Success in such blended families requires shedding fairy-tale ideals and approaching remarriage with children armed with realistic expectations.

My Story: A Child of Divorce with a Stepparent

Growing up in the aftermath of my parents’ high-conflict divorce was not without its challenges. In an era where there were no guides on being a good stepparent and little emphasis on blending families the right way, my father, being a traditional man, took a back seat in parenting when I was with him and his wife. Balancing attention between my older sister and myself, as well as my new siblings from his new wife, posed challenges. My initial resistance to accepting another motherly figure into my life set the stage for a rocky start with my new stepmother which continued for years and years.

With no “How to be a Good Stepparent book” to guide the way, the blending of our families back in the 1970s and 80s lacked knowledge and education. My mother’s values and parenting styles differed significantly from my new stepmother’s, and adjusting to this new dynamic was no easy feat. I was very bonded to my mother, and there was no way that this new person was ever going to replace her. The adaption was complicated and stressful for me. When I would leave my mom’s, I would cry myself to sleep at my father’s, where I felt left out and alone. Over time, I eventually adapted and survived, but there were aspects I loathed. My stepmother introduced a set of rules and traditions that clashed with what I was familiar with, and the adjustment process was anything but smooth.

I remember once when I did not make my bed to her standards and, as I was walking to school, probably in grade 3 or 4, she started to scream at me outside as I began my walk to school. It was humiliating, and I hated her even more. Another time, I was a teenager and babysitting my younger siblings. I was trying to get a hold of my father to come home earlier from the club bar, as I had been asked out on my very first date. I called the bar a few times to finally get her on the phone and asked them to come home so I could go out on this date. When she got home, she screamed at me for ruining her night. Everything I did had to go through her, not my father, which was one of their biggest mistakes.

If she were to say anything in her defence I did not make it easy for her, and it was not my role to do so. I was a young child and hurting on many levels. As I got older there was never any open communication between my father and stepmother on what was to be expected and how I was feeling or doing. That was not a common thing done in the 70s and 80s when children’s feelings were validated and talked about.

Navigating the role of a step-parent is undoubtedly challenging, both for the individual stepping into that role and for the child involved. While my personal experience may not paint an optimistic picture, however, countless blended families thrive, demonstrating that success is indeed possible. I recall a psychologist emphasising the positive correlation between a child’s wellbeing and the love they receive. This underscores the potential for a fulfilling relationship between a step-parent and their stepchild through dedicated effort, patience, and a clear understanding of their respective roles.

There are important aspects to consider if you’re considering remarriage or entering a serious relationship after divorce, especially when children are involved.

Here are some general guidelines for step-parents:

Establishing Clear Communication:

  • Maintain consistent communication with the child’s biological parent to better understand their parenting views and the child’s needs.
  • Ask for their input on how to build a positive relationship with your step child, ensuring you’re aligned in your approach.

Navigating Parenting Styles:

  • Reflect on your parenting methods, acknowledging that each parent might have a different approach. Striving for a common understanding is crucial. Notably, roughly one-third of parents may have similar parenting styles.
  • Promote an environment where all parents can openly discuss and contribute to decisions impacting the child.

Setting Realistic Expectations:

  • Acknowledge that step parenting comes with unique challenges, and understand that blended families have their dynamics, different from traditional ones. It’s important to give step parents the space to voice their challenges and frustrations.
  • Replace expectations of instant bonding with patience, understanding that forming strong connections takes time.

Intentional Role Development:

  • Be mindful and deliberate about your role within the family. Invest time in learning about your stepchildren, their history, and any special needs they may have.
  • Engage in open, transparent discussions with your partner to gain deeper insight into the child’s experiences and emotions.

Fostering Relationships:

  • Building relationships in a blended family is a process that requires patience and time.
  • Start with simple, enjoyable activities that allow children to adapt at their own pace.
  • The biological parent plays a vital role in fostering a secure and cohesive family environment.

Showing Respect:

  • Always show respect for the child’s other biological parent, particularly in the child’s presence.
  • Understand that children might see the arrival of a new stepparent as a loss, so it’s important to avoid any negative comments or criticism.

Approaching Discipline:

  • In the beginning, let the biological parent take the lead on discipline.
  • Focus on establishing a caring, trusting relationship with your stepchild before stepping into any disciplinary role.
  • Regularly communicate with your partner about parenting styles to ensure consistency and mutual understanding.

Managing Emotional Reactions:

  • Avoid taking your stepchild’s reactions personally as a step parent.
  • Recognise that their responses may be rooted in deeper emotions, and work on building trust gradually over time.
  • Keep open lines of communication with your partner to discuss any feelings or insecurities that may arise.

Finding Joy in Step Parenting:

  • Despite the obstacles, being a stepparent can be deeply rewarding.
  • Treasure the opportunity to form unique and loving bonds with your step children.
  • Focus on becoming a positive influence and building meaningful, lasting relationships.

Blending a family is a complex journey that involves navigating the challenges of co-parenting and step parenting, which can sometimes strain second marriages. With patience, time, and realistic expectations, it is possible to build a harmonious and fulfilling family life. Key strategies include maintaining regular communication with the biological parent, being intentional in your role, and carefully managing discipline. Family therapy can also provide essential support during challenging times.

Through perseverance, resilience, and commitment, a joyful and connected blended family life is achievable, where deep and meaningful relationships can thrive.

Read more articles by Karen Omand.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand, holding degrees in sociology and thanatology, specialises in guiding individuals through grief, drawing from her own experiences of high-conflict divorce, parental loss, and abusive marriage. Focusing on the often-overlooked realm of grief in divorce, she co-founded the Divorceworkshop in 2021 with Kirk Mosna, aiming to empower those on the divorce journey. As a certified Grief Counsellor and Divorce Specialist, Karen advocates for greater awareness of grief in divorce, aiding both recovery and pre-decision detachment. She is the co-author of The Divorce Workbook, coming out this summer.

Alongside Kirk, she assists individuals in informed decision-making, proactive preparation, and strategic planning for healing and recovery. Her story of resilience and empathy inspires others to navigate divorce with courage. Connect with Karen on  Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn check her website Divorceworkshop.ca, or sign up for the Divorceworkshop’s newsletter.

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Understanding Stepparent Rights
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Understanding Stepparent Rights

Published on

In modern families, it’s common for individuals to enter new relationships and create blended households. This often involves stepparents playing significant roles in the lives of their partner’s children. While this can create a stable and loving environment for the child, it raises important questions about the rights stepparents have. Understanding these rights is crucial for anyone in this role.

Parental Responsibility and Stepparents

Despite the deep involvement stepparents may have in their stepchildren’s lives, they do not automatically gain parental responsibility. Parental responsibility encompasses all the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities, and authority a parent legally has concerning their child and their property. Without this legal status, a stepparent cannot make critical decisions for their stepchildren.

For example, if a child in a stepparent’s care requires urgent medical treatment, the stepparent cannot provide consent unless they have parental responsibility. This responsibility typically lies with the natural parents.

Acquiring Parental Responsibility

Stepparents can obtain parental responsibility, but it requires a formal agreement or court order. This process is similar to how unmarried fathers acquire parental responsibility. The agreement must be signed by all individuals who currently hold parental responsibility for the child, usually the natural parents.

Once a stepparent has parental responsibility, they are granted the same rights and duties as a natural parent. This means they can make decisions regarding the child’s education, medical care, and general welfare.

Stepparents and Divorce

The relationship between a stepparent and stepchild can be profoundly significant, and it often benefits the child to maintain this bond even if the stepparent and natural parent divorce. Stepparents may wish to continue their relationship with stepchildren post-divorce. If mutual arrangements cannot be agreed upon, stepparents can apply to the court for a child arrangements order, which outlines when and how they can spend time with their stepchildren.

However, it is important to note that a stepparent cannot acquire parental responsibility once they are divorced from the child’s natural parent.

Financial Obligations

In some cases, stepparents might have ongoing financial responsibilities towards their stepchildren after a divorce. The court might consider the needs of stepchildren when determining financial settlements. This ensures that the child’s welfare is considered in the division of assets and any spousal support arrangements.

Seeking Legal Advice

Navigating the complexities of stepparent rights requires expert guidance. Family law solicitors can provide valuable advice tailored to your specific circumstances, ensuring that both your rights and the child’s best interests are protected.

For personalised legal advice, contact Woolley & Co, family lawyers, at 0800 321 3832 to arrange a telephone appointment with one of our family law experts. You can also visit www.family-lawfirm.co.uk for more information.

Conclusion

Understanding your rights as a stepparent is essential for ensuring you can effectively support and care for your stepchildren. Whether it’s about acquiring parental responsibility, maintaining relationships post-divorce, or understanding financial obligations, being informed and seeking legal advice can make a significant difference in navigating your role within a blended family.

Read more articles by Woolley & Co Solicitors.

About Michelle Brammer

Michelle is a specialist divorce and family lawyer based in Melbourne near Derby. Over the last twenty years working in the East Midlands and Staffordshire she has built an excellent reputation acting for people from all walks of life – from homebuilders and homemakers, to farmers, politicians, business owners and CEOs.

Michelle is named as a Recommended Lawyer for Family Law in Legal 500 2020 and is also a Ranked Lawyer in Chambers and Partners where one client enthused to researchers: “She demonstrated a depth of knowledge in her field that only experience and an unwavering passion for her profession can bring. She remained efficient, professional and pragmatic at all times and instilled a confidence that she had my best interests at heart in all negotiations she engaged in.”

Michelle qualified as a Legal Executive in October 1997 and joined Woolley & Co from a Staffordshire law firm in July 2016.

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Befriending Partner’s Ex

Stepmums: Is it Time to Stop Befriending your Partner’s Ex?

Published on
Corinne Foote
Corinne Foote
Certified Stepfamily Coach Founder and Editor of Stepparent Magazine

So, you’ve started dating a guy who has children with his ex.

Evidently, you want your stepmum journey to be as plain sailing as possible, and this means attempting to get along with your stepchildren and even your partner’s ex.

Now, when I mention the word ‘befriend’, I don’t mean that there is a level of expectation that you need to suggest nights out or shopping trips with the ex; however, perhaps you have made several attempts to reach out to her but things seem to be going awry.

Below are 3 scenarios that indicate it may be time to call it quits (for now at least):

  1. One chance, two chance, three chance, four…?

Have you found that the ex has reciprocated your advances for a rapport but that it is in actual fact generating negativity in your life?

For example, in an attempt to help your partner’s situation with his ex, you offered her your number to later find that she is abusing this channel of communication.  However, you find yourself making numerous excuses for her behaviour towards you and letting her back into your personal space.

If this is the case, you may be experiencing an ex who has high-conflict behaviours.

This will likely mean that the ex is driven by drama and has no real interest in befriending you other than to create chaos in your life.  Regardless of her motives, this scenario may be detrimental to your own happiness and sanity, as well as your relationship with your partner.

  1. The ex is not ready

Are you exchanging the odd ‘hellos’ or ‘goodbyes’ and finding that you are being snubbed?

Perhaps, you are keen to impress the ex by showing her that you are taking good care of her children, yet you don’t understand why she does not want to see the likeable, fantastic gal that your partner sees.

Separation and divorce can be one of the most stressful experiences that can happen in a person’s life.  Emotions can run high for years and people may take a long time to adjust to their new lives.

The ex may be experiencing worries that even your partner knows nothing about, such as finances or grief over the end of her relationship.

Being reminded of a stepmum entering the picture may be something she just can’t face at this moment in time.  As a result, the ex may not feel ready to build up any type of rapport with you until she starts to feel better about herself and her current circumstances.

  1. It may actually be you who isn’t ready

Me? I hear you say! But hear me out.

Do you find yourself dwelling over your partner’s relationship with his ex or comparing yourself to her every time you see or hear her name?  If so, you may be guilty of trying too hard at a time when you aren’t yet ready to accept the other woman.

Whilst your initial intentions were harmless, befriending the ex may have stirred up emotions that you didn’t know existed until you became a stepmum.

So, if having any communication with the ex makes you feel anxious, insecure or even jealous, keeping her at arms length may be just what is needed for the time being whilst you adjust to your stepmum role.

Okay, so what should stepmums do?

• Her issues are just that…HERS – Whether this involves high-conflict behaviour or normal emotional issues, remember that they are not personal to you as a person.

  • Create healthy boundaries that protect you – Until the ex has shown signs of committing to a rapport, do not continue to leave yourself open, especially to any negative behaviour. Whichever scenario best fits your current situation, you’ll need to enforce boundaries that keep emotional and physical distance between you and the ex. This may take form of blocking on social media or not being present at collections/drop offs.

  • Continue to grow as a stepmum and as a person – We’ve all experienced things in our lives that we wish we could have handled differently and no doubt you will encounter plenty of these in your stepmum role, too. Regardless, keep moving forward and concentrate on your own wellbeing and personal growth.

  • Stop trying so hard – Let nature run its course. As with all of the above scenarios, there is one thing that both parties have on their side and that is TIME.  It may take months or even years for one or both parties to get to a place in their lives where they are happy to befriend the other, even if it’s just hand gestures of ‘hello’.

  • Put the shoe on the other foot – Unless you are guilty of doing things to upset the ex, try practicing feelings of empathy and compassion for the ex. This doesn’t mean excusing the ex for any wrongdoings towards you but gaining a form of understanding will help you to remain at peace with yourself.

  • Have a support network – having people around that just ‘get it’ will help you immensely. Whether this is seeking support from your partner, a stepparent forum, stepfamily coach etc.  Knowing that others also experience the same feelings as you will also help you come to terms with this situation.

As with any relationship, it takes two willing participants for it to be successful.  There is no saying if your partner’s ex will ever change her perspective of you enough to be amicable, or vice versa.

Even so, it is important to remember that not having a rapport with your partner’s ex does not mean you are failing as a stepmom.

It may be that you will both come to that mutual place in the future, and this is great news if you do. However, it is possible to still lead a fulfilling life in your stepmom role without needing to form that stepmom/mum rapport.  You can function and thrive without it.  It is okay.  It can be good enough.

About Corinne Foote

Corinne Foote is a certified Stepfamily Coach and also the Founder and Editor of Stepparent Magazine. For more information on stepparent resources visit www.stepparentmagazine.com or follow us on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Instagram.

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The Step Mum’s Guide to Peace – Boundaries with the Stepkids

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Erin Careless
Erin Careless
Certified Stepfamily Coach

Boundaries with the stepkids is part 4 of a series of articles by Erin Careless on the Stepmom’s Guide to Peace.  Click here for Boundaries with the Stepfamily, Boundaries with the Man and Boundaries with ex-wife

A lot of stepmoms go overboard trying to “win the kids over”.

Whether intentionally or otherwise, they may put all their energy into doing nice things for the kids, never saying no to any demands, buying them gifts, and generally bending over backwards.

I hate to break it to you, but this WILL fail.

It is one of the hardest things in the world to love a man who has kids, and to realize that you are an outsider to their little family unit.

You can’t do anything about that – it’s life. You weren’t there from the beginning, swaddling them as newborns, cleaning every little scratch, comforting them when they are sick.

Some stepmoms are there from a very early age, but I know I came into my stepkids lives when they were 5 and 7, and I absolutely was the outsider coming in.

Setting boundaries with children is tough, but a necessary part of raising mature, capable, responsible human beings. It’s perhaps harder when they’re not biologically yours and you’re trying to put your best foot forward.

Let’s say you have a twelve year old stepdaughter who is with you and her dad every second weekend. Some of those nights, your partner is called into work for an emergency and you are left with your stepdaughter to watch movies, have snacks, or whatever the night brings. All goes well until bedtime.

The last few times it’s been just the two of you, she has convinced you to let her stay up until midnight – way past her bedtime. You really feel as though you can’t say no, and when you try to she gives you “the pout” and you cave instantly.

boundaries with the stepkids
Managing Boundaries with the stepkids – talk to your partner

Your man has set a 10:30pm bedtime schedule, and makes her stick to it when he’s home, but when it’s the two of you the rules go out the window. Initially you started letting her stay up so you could spend quality time together, but now she spends that time texting friends and searching funny videos on YouTube.

Here we go – Boundaries with the Stepkids:

  1. Identify your inner thoughts.

Do you think she’ll hate you if you stick to the house rules around bedtime? Do you think your partner will be upset if there is any strife between you and his daughter? Do you think it will make you an evil stepmother if you make her go to bed?

  1. Challenge your inner thoughts.

What will happen if you make her go to bed, reminding her that her dad set bedtime at 10:30, so you are following his guidance? Will she be grumpy and pissy? Sure. But you know what? She’ll get over it. And in fact, she might actually respect you for not being a doormat. Will your partner get mad at you for enforcing his rule? No.

  1. Establish and implement the boundary.

You may want to talk to your partner about this. Inform him that you’ve been lax on the bedtime schedule, but that you’d like to get on a predictable routine with your stepdaughter. Ask him to remind her of the 10:30 bedtime when he leaves for work, and if she moans and pouts, tell her that you’re only following what her dad has said. It doesn’t have to be all on you – after all, he is the dad. Again, the most important thing is that you stick to it!

  1. Revisit and reevaluate.

One night, a few months after you decided to stick to a routine bedtime, you realize that your stepdaughter went to bed without batting an eyelid. She’s been happier and perkier in the mornings because she’s getting more sleep, and you’ve felt much more comfortable turning off the TV at 10:30 and giving her the heave-ho. Not much has really changed in the grand scheme of things, but you feel happier and more connected to your stepdaughter.

Click here for more articles by Erin Careless

About Erin

Erin is a PhD Candidate in Adult Education at Mount Saint Vincent University in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. 

A certified Stepfamily Coach, Erin has started her own business, Steplife – Stepmom Coaching and Support.

Erin and her husband Matt share their home part-time with his two kids, Oliver and Waverleigh.

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Boundaries with the ex-wife
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The Step mum’s Guide to Peace – Boundaries with the Ex-wife

Published on
Erin Careless
Erin Careless
Certified Stepfamily Coach

Boundaries with the ex-wife is part 3 of a series of articles by Erin Careless on the Stepmom’s Guide to Peace.  Click here for Boundaries with the Stepfamily and Boundaries with the Man.

 

This is a tricky one.

Experiences with the ex can range from “we’re all friends and vacation together with the kids”, to “we criticize each other over text messages and in person…”

We cannot change the fact that there is an ex-wife in our lives, but we do have a choice in how, of even if, we engage with her.

We have a responsibility to understand that our partner was married (or in a relationship) before and had children – otherwise we wouldn’t be stepmoms!

But we also have a right to protect ourselves from negative behavior (and hopefully it doesn’t come to that).

There are many situations where mom and stepmom are the ones who have the most contact among the adults in the family. I know lots of women who plan the kids schedules with the biomom, talk about the kids’ school and behaviour together, and generally have a cooperative and peaceful friendship.

This is amazing, and absolutely the ideal. If your stepkids can feel the safety and security that comes with a connected, loving family unit… what a gift.

My parents divorced when I was a teenager, and my stepfather has been in my life from that point on.

When my husband and I got married (almost two decades after my parents’ divorce), it gave me such pride and pleasure to see my Dad and Stepfather talking to one another – getting along and being together at this very important time for me and my family.

Just imagine how great that can feel for kids who are still getting used to divorce and change. As much as possible, try to be positive, supportive, and most importantly – be empathetic. Not only are you dating or married to her ex-husband, but you are spending time with her children, and that can’t be easy for anyone.

So you try your best to be kind and understanding, and beyond that… it’s not up to you. The only thing you can control is you.

In discussing her encounters with the ex-wife, Katz (2010) says, “In order to be happier and make peace with the situation, I made a conscious choice to focus on what I could control and to live in the present, rather than worrying about what might, or might not, occur in the future”.

It’s not always easy, but the best thing you can do for you, your partner, you (step)children, and your health and well-being, is to not engage in drama. And certainly not to initiate it. Just remember: kids know when there is strife.

If you’re reading this right now thinking, “But it’s not me!” then my suggestion to you is to create a boundary so that negativity doesn’t break through into your family unit.

For example: You have offered to pick-up and drop-off your stepson every other weekend when your partner is at work. You have been picking him up after school on Fridays from his mom’s house, and meeting her in town to drop your stepson off on Sunday afternoons.

On Fridays, when you go to the ex’s house, she often makes a critical comment about the way you and your husband care for her son – maybe about the food he ate or how late he stayed up. It’s exhausting and frustrating, because you put a lot of time and effort into taking care of the little man.

On Sundays, when you arrive at the designated meeting spot, she is almost always late, and in front of you asks her son what he did and ate over the weekend. You could be wrong, but you feel judgment coming from her, and it is not comfortable.

  1. Identify your inner thoughts.

What are you telling yourself in this situation? What can you do? She is the mom and you feel guilty enough being in a relationship with her ex-husband and spending time with her kid. You get so frustrated when she is rude and late, but you don’t want to get angry in front of your stepson.

You don’t feel you have any right to speak up because you’re not the “real mom”, even though you do take care of him an awful lot, and worry about him like a parent does. You don’t want to disappoint your husband by complaining or saying that the situation isn’t working for you – after all, if you didn’t help out he wouldn’t get to see his son very much.

boundaries with the ex-wife
Boundaries with the ex-wife.   Identify your inner thoughts.
  1. Challenge your inner thoughts.

You can feel guilty – it’s natural. But their marriage ended, and it had nothing to do with you. You are taking care of her son part-time, and are doing a mighty good job of it. It’s up to you and your husband what food you serve in your house, and you always make healthy meals.

Your husband wouldn’t be upset with you – he knows how hard you’re trying to build a relationship with his son. The reasons she is upset may not actually have anything to do with you, they could be her own frustrations or concerns.

 

  1. Establish and implement the boundary.

After a conversation with your partner, you decide to change things up a little bit. On Fridays you will pick your stepson up from school, instead of from his mom’s house. This not only gives you a little more time with him, but also allows you to bypass the awkward encounter with the ex.

As for Sundays, you offer to drop the kids off at her house directly, which gives you control over the time. It seems as though you are doing her a big favor, and you are, but it actually saves you time in the long run. Instead of having a conversation in a parking lot, you can help the kids out of the car, watch them go in the door, and wave from the safety of the sidewalk. No more drills about food, bedtimes, or TV time. At least not when you’re there, and that’s all you can control.

 

  1. Revisit and reevaluate.

Three months later, as you are dropping the kids off at their moms on a Sunday afternoon, waving goodbye and pulling away, you let out a sigh of relief and smile. You have less stress, less frustration, and more control in your life. Your partner is fully supportive of the change and you decide to maintain it. Forever!

Okay, these are examples, and not necessarily guaranteed outcomes. But the idea is – you do have control over your life, your decisions, and your behavior. Remember that your health and happiness impact that of others around you.

Think of your approach as setting boundaries with yourself.

You may have feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, loss, and uncertainty. Understand that this is normal for stepmoms to feel at times, and that you ultimately have control over your own choices in life.

You are amazing, strong, brave, and compassionate to enter into this situation in the first place. Hopefully the reason you are reading this at all is because you have a partner that you love, and who loves you in return. With that support, I hope you feel empowered to create relationships, boundaries, and a life that is best for you.

Look out for the next article on this series on The Stepmom’s Guide to Peace – Boundaries with the Step kids.

 

Erin is a PhD Candidate in Adult Education at Mount Saint Vincent University in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. 

A certified Stepfamily Coach, Erin has started her own business, Steplife – Stepmom Coaching and Support.

Erin and her husband Matt share their home part-time with his two kids, Oliver and Waverleigh.

Image on page:photo credit: building castles in the air via photopin (license)

Feature Photo:photo credit: really? via photopin (license)

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Boundaries with the man
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The Stepmom’s Guide to Peace – Boundaries with the Man

Published on
Erin Careless
Erin Careless
Certified Stepfamily Coach

Boundaries with the man is part 2 of a series of articles by Erin Careless on The Stepmom’s Guide to Peace. Click here for Boundaries with the Stepfamily which is Part 1.

 

I know what you’re thinking. People in love shouldn’t have boundaries!

Au contraire mon cher, au contraire.

Again, boundaries are not negative. They help you to navigate the roles, responsibilities, and expectations of yourself and others. They allow you to express your needs in a space of care and compassion.

So let’s say hubby works 9-5, and you start work in the afternoons.

He has started getting up and heading out the door without waking up the stepkids or doing anything to prepare for the morning rush that has you rousing grumpy and grumpier, throwing together lunches, and combing down hair as you run out the door to drive them to school. It’s stressful, exhausting, and you are starting to resent the sound of the door slamming behind him as he whistles his way to the car.

Let’s look at our four steps in establishing boundaries:

  1. Identify your inner thoughts.

You don’t want to say anything to your hubby because you don’t want him to think you are complaining about his kids being at the house. You don’t want to add more stress to his day and make him think you are not meeting him half way in this marriage. You don’t want him to think you don’t like his children.

  1. Challenge your inner thoughts.

Will he really feel that way about you? Does he have any idea about how much you struggle in the mornings? He’s probably not changing because he thinks there is nothing to change – he’s not a mind-reader. He knows you really like spending time with the kids, but maybe doesn’t realize how this stress is affecting your work too.

  1. Establish and implement the boundary.

Before you blow up and yell about how awful your mornings are, take some time to think about what would make this situation better.

You don’t mind driving the kids to school at all, but perhaps it would be easier if hubby woke them up and got them started before he left. Making lunches the night before would also save lots of time and stress.

Over dinner one night, when the stepkids are with their mom, you pour two glasses of wine and say, “I’d really like to talk with you about something, would this be a good time?” And then you talk about what you have been thinking and feeling.

Refrain from complaining about how grumpy the kids are – no need to hurt his feelings – but clearly let him know that the mornings are really stressful and you need a hand. Chances are he has no idea how upset you’ve been and hopefully he’s willing to do whatever he can to alleviate that stress.

  1. At the end of the school term, you talk about how much smoother the days run, now that the kids lunches and backpacks are ready to go the night before, and that dear hubby gets the grumpy faces when he wakes them up (don’t feel bad, they’re his kids!). You find you get along with the kids better than before, and you no longer shoot imaginary daggers at the door when your man leaves. You decide to keep this routine going, and if there’s the odd morning that hubby has to leave early, you don’t mind filling in at all.

Click here for Part 3 – Stepmom’s Guide to Peace – Boundaries with the Ex-wife

 

Erin is a PhD Candidate in Adult Education at Mount Saint Vincent University in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada.

A certified Stepfamily Coach, Erin has started her own business, Steplife – Stepmom Coaching and Support.

Erin and her husband Matt share their home part-time with his two kids, Oliver and Waverleigh.

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Boundaries and the Stepfamily
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The Stepmom’s Guide to Peace – Boundaries and the Stepfamily

Published on
Erin Careless
Erin Careless
Certified Stepfamily Coach

When you arrive at work, do you greet your boss with a kiss on the lips?

Do you invite the grocery store clerk to family dinner at your house? Do you complain about period pain to the FedEx guy delivering your Downton Abbey box set?

No.

Well, hopefully you said no…

You don’t do these things because we have boundaries that guide much of our behavior. Sure, some people may have a very close relationship with their higher-ups at work, or have no filter when it comes to their “monthlies”, but generally speaking, we follow social and cultural norms and boundaries of behavior.

Just as these types of boundaries guide our behavior, we can create boundaries in our own lives to protect us from things that are dangerous, unwanted, or unhealthy, while allowing us to experience things that are positive, healthy, and desired.

Think of a boundary as a window: it can be closed completely to protect us from the elements, or open slightly for a bit of fresh air, or open wide for the sun, heat, and birdsong to flow in. A closed window is not necessarily closed forever; rather, it can be opened when the time is right.

Establishing boundaries allows us to teach others how we want to be treated.

An example: Imagine your sister calls one day and asks you to pick her kids up from school, and then bring them to your house until she gets off work. You agree because you want to help her out and you love your niece and nephew. The next week, she calls and asks you to do the pick up again. You do.

The next week, you are out for coffee with a friend when your sister calls yet again and asks you to help her out. You say that you’d like to, but you’re out with a friend and can’t do it. She gets upset and says, “Well what am I supposed to do?” to which you guiltily reply that you’ll do it. You leave your friend and your untouched cappuccino, and race to the school, fuming inside.

Now, of course there’s nothing wrong with helping out friends and family – that’s what we do. However, it’s another to take on someone else’s responsibilities.

Some people will keep asking if you keep agreeing, and you can’t really blame them. So, on a day when the kids aren’t in school, have a conversation with your sister about how much you love her and her kids. Perhaps in an emergency you might be able to help here and there, but otherwise you are often out or working, and won’t be able to do the pick-up.

She may have thought you genuinely enjoyed doing it, and so didn’t think you were inconvenienced, who knows? Either way, if you are clear and consistent with your boundaries, you and the people around you are less likely to be hurt or disappointed or taken advantage of.

You can create boundaries in every aspect of your life (time, work, finances, relationships, health, etc.), to help you when you feel vulnerable or pulled in too many directions. Sounds good, right? But remember that boundaries are not a quick fix, and are not guaranteed to have the desired impact.

However, as Newcomb Marine and Korf  say, “When used conscientiously, boundaries can provide you with distance and protection from unwanted behavior, but you must continue to customize them for your unique situation until you find what works”. Therefore, we need to think of boundaries as evolving and fluid. Down the road you may wish to reevaluate and modify the situation, so do not treat it as something set in stone.

Boundaries and the Stepfamily
Boundaries and the Stepfamily – Think of a boundary as a window.

For stepmoms, boundaries are extremely important. Unfortunately, for many women who take on this role, it is difficult to negotiate and maintain boundaries that can support a happy and healthy life.

I cannot stress enough – boundaries are your friends!

Katz  says: “[Boundary violations] are the emotional equivalent of having someone step on your toes. At the very least, boundary violations can be annoying; at worst, they can erode our self-esteem”. I would add that when boundaries continue to be violated over extended periods of time, relationships can crumble along with family stability.

So, how do we avoid this doom and gloom and establish boundaries?

I’m glad you asked!

You may find yourself experiencing unease, or a nagging feeling that just won’t go away; a feeling that suggests something in your life isn’t going well and needs to change. When you recognize that feeling as a violation of your boundaries:

  1. Identify your inner thoughts.

What are you telling yourself that is preventing you from changing a situation, behavior, or expectation? Are you catastrophizing the situation? Projecting your assumptions on to others? Do you think that if you make your feelings known you’ll be seen as a bad partner/wife/stepmom?

 

  1. Challenge your inner thoughts.

Is this inner monologue realistic? Does anyone validate those feelings? What would really happen if you spoke up? Would you be happier and healthier if things changed? Can you go on feeling like this forever?

This step is akin to someone with anxiety questioning their unrealistic beliefs (trust me, I know from experience!) by asking “What if?” after any catastrophic thinking. “I can’t speak to a crowd”. “What if you did?” “I would be shaking”. “What if you were?” “I might throw up”. “What if you did?” “I’d be embarrassed”. “What if you were embarrassed?”… This shows someone they are making a small thing into a huge, unmanageable situation.

 

  1. Establish and implement the boundary.

Think about what you honestly need to feel happy, safe, and supported (at least most of the time… we are only human!), and talk about this with the person/people involved. This will look differently depending on who is concerned.

You shouldn’t have a problem getting your partner to sit down for a heart-to-heart, but may not be able to talk to the stepkids’ biomom in the same way. If you can… wow. With your partner you may come to the boundary together after discussing the situation. Either way, try to be as clear as possible at this stage, and don’t back down from what it is you need.

 

  1. Revisit and reevaluate.

Boundaries need to be strong, but also fluid. Revisit any boundaries you set to see if it is working for you and meeting your needs, and if it needs to be modified or updated.

Don’t fall into the trap of seeing change and dropping the boundary altogether… it’s working because of the boundary! Make changes slowly and conscientiously. The most important aspect of setting boundaries is sticking to them. It can be hard work, especially in the beginning, but change only comes with consistency. (Isn’t that written in a parenting book somewhere…?)

Think of your approach as setting boundaries with yourself.

You may have feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, loss, and uncertainty. Understand that this is normal for stepmoms to feel at times, and that you ultimately have control over your own choices in life.

You are amazing, strong, brave, and compassionate to enter into this situation in the first place. Hopefully the reason you are reading this at all is because you have a partner that you love, and who loves you in return. With that support, I hope you feel empowered to create relationships, boundaries, and a life that is best for you.

So, now that we’ve covered the step-by-step guide to boundaries, over the next few days we will look at a few examples from a stepmom’s point of view starting with “Boundaries with the Man.”

Erin is a PhD Candidate in Adult Education at Mount Saint Vincent University in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada.

A certified Stepfamily Coach, Erin has started her own business, Steplife – Stepmom Coaching and Support.

Erin and her husband Matt share their home part-time with his two kids, Oliver and Waverleigh.

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On Being a Stepmom over Christmas

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Erin Careless
Erin Careless Certified Stepfamily Coach

For me, Christmas has been a bit of a balancing act for many years.

Children of divorce can appreciate the “okay, so I’ll spend Christmas Eve at Mom’s and on Christmas Day I’ll go to Dad’s, and then at noon on Boxing Day back to Mom’s for the…” shuffle. Wanting to make sure you spend enough time with family while also hitting the Ugly Sweater parties and baking batches of sugar cookies.

Actually, I have it pretty good.

My Dad never remarried, but he has a large group of close friends who take it in turn to hold Christmas dinner each year for the ten to twelve of them. They all bring a dish to help share the cooking, and my Dad is quite famous for bringing his traditional “bag-of-on-sale-dinner-rolls”! It’s a great tradition, and I love that he has this group of people in his life.

So Christmas Day dinner is usually spent with my Mom and stepdad Henry, with the occasional Aunt or family friend in tow.

No matter how much time has passed or how happy everyone is in their lives, I still worry that I’m spending enough quality time with both parents. And now, there’s a very “full circle” thing happening where I find myself in the role of stepmom! Big stuff, I know.

Two things come to mind right away. First of all, there are even more people tossed into the Christmas juggling act!

Secondly, and much more importantly, I see two little versions of myself who are going to feel the stress of the holidays in their own lives.

Inspired by that realization, and my own experiences, I’ve put together a few suggestions for stepfamilies that are relevant every day of the year, but particularly at Christmas.

So pour some mulled wine, deck those halls, and get ready for a happier, healthier holiday season for you and your family!

  1. Be supportive of sharing time

Even if the intentions are good, remember that the kids are the ones who will be sharing their time.  Don’t say things like, “I wish you were staying here on Christmas Eve” or “I guess we’ll wait until you’re back to open presents”…

Yes, it can be frustrating to have plans change, or upsetting not to have everyone together at Christmas, but that is not the fault of the kiddos. Trust me that they will likely feel guilt about being in one house and not the other, and it’s your responsibility as a parent or stepparent to alleviate that as best you can.

Be positive about the time the kids will spend with the other parent. Something along the lines of, “You’ll have a couple of days at your mom’s, and when you come back we’ll have another Christmas morning!” Hopefully, the two homes can peacefully decide on a schedule for the holidays to keep stress to a minimum, and rather than focus on when the kids aren’t there, have fun when they are!

For us, the kids’ bio mom (BM) doesn’t really celebrate Christmas. As with many other aspects of life, she and I are very different. I absolutely love Christmas! The baking, the carols, the lights, giving to others… the whole shebang.

Stepmom over Christmas
Stepmom over Christmas – don’t go overboard.

Last year we had the kids for Christmas, and it was wonderful. A few weeks ago, the kids said that they would be spending Christmas at their Mom’s since they were here last year. They’re already thinking of these things at 7 and 9. But actually, they will be here again this year, which we are so happy about.

We are conscious of making sure that they know this was decided by both their Mom and Dad, and that it will be a lovely family holiday.

  1. Don’t go overboard

Sometimes we stepmoms feel a desire to “win over” our partner’s kids.  It’s tempting to do whatever we can to get results as quickly as possible – where results are kids who like us.

During the holidays, this desire can mean going overboard in your role as a new “Santa”.  Rather than (well-intentioned) earning love with gifts, give kids the time and space they need to feel comfortable with you and the new family dynamics. Focus on building bonds through shared activities (maybe baking cookies or watching classics like A Christmas Story or It’s Christmastime, Charlie Brown).

It takes time for stepfamilies to find their groove… years not months.

For those with a lack of patience (ahem, ahem, me), it’s a constant reminder to be happy with every small step forward our family takes.

When I run a half-marathon, I don’t look to the Finish line 21 kilometres away. I take each kilometre one at a time, breaking the journey into mini-races. The same philosophy applies – take it one step at a time. And stay hydrated! Haha.

  1. Give yourself a break

A la National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, rarely do the holidays run smoothly. The turkey is dry, the tree is crooked, the dog ate the chocolate, and the kids have the stomach flu.

One of the things I struggle with most in life is my desire to control… well, everything. I have to constantly remind myself to relax. To give myself a break. To ask myself the age-old anxiety question – so what? What if the kids are grumpy on Christmas morning? So what? What if I burn the mashed potatoes and serve mushy carrots? So what? Nothing bad will happen and no one will dwell on the little bumps.

When you’re feeling overwhelmed, take some time out for yourself. If you have a space in your home that is off-limits to the kids (and you should), go there! Take a book and a cup of tea, and be amazed at the difference an hour of peace and quiet can make. You’re doing great.

  1. Start new traditions

Becoming a stepmom means joining a family with already-established traditions and a shared history. You begin as an outsider, and it’s a long journey to finding your place in the family.

Rather than focusing on what you’ve missed, slowly start building new traditions with your partner and his kids.

In an article from PsychCentral, stepfamilies are compared to newlyweds in the sense that the holiday season involves developing new traditions with a growing family. However, steps have to deal with the added complications of custody, ex-wives, financial demands, and bonding with the kiddos.

Last year we got the kids involved in donating toys for kids living with their moms at a women’s shelter. This year they have picked out food for the food bank. It’s never too early to start traditions of caring and involvement in their community, especially when Santa is bringing them some nice gifts on the 25th.

We also started a Christmas Eve Box tradition. We wrap up new PJs, a Christmas movie, and hot chocolate mix in a box and let the kids open it after dinner. They get into their new PJs and watch the movie, getting more excited by the minute. I make them hot chocolate, and before bed, we leave out some snacks for Santa and the reindeer.

Last year, W said aloud as she put carrots onto a plate: “this one is for Rudolph, this one is for Blitzen, this one is for… um… Splitzen” haha. Look at that! We already have a funny Christmas memory to laugh about!

More love and more fun for a kid can never be a bad thing. Enjoy this time of year and teach your kids and stepkids about the spirit of generosity.

Make plans but don’t freak out if things don’t go as expected. And above all else, take time to be grateful for the people you love.

Oh, and get lots of salted butter for your baking!

And make sure the wine rack is full!

And…

 

Breathe deep, love deeper,

Erin

 

Erin is a PhD Candidate in Adult Education at Mount Saint Vincent University in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada.

A certified Stepfamily Coach, Erin has started her own business, Steplife – Stepmom Coaching and Support.

Erin and her fiancée Matt will marry later this year, and share their home with Matt’s two little ones – 8-year-old Oliver and 6-year-old Waverleigh.

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Jenna Korf Answers Questions on Being a Stepmother

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On being a stepmother
Jenna Korf Co-author of the book, “Skirts At War: Beyond Divorced Mom/Stepmom Conflict”

In this interview, on being a stepmother, Jenna Korf answers some really important and common questions about what’s it’s like stepping into the role of stepmom.

Jenna Korf is the leading stepmom coach in Upstate New York. She is co-author of the book, “Skirts At War: Beyond Divorced Mom/Stepmom Conflict”, a Certified Stepfamily coach, a blogger at StepmomHelp.com, an RCI Certified Relationship coach, a Registered Nurse, a continuing education provider for therapists, a stepmom and a stepchild!

Some of the questions Jenna and I looked at include:

  • What advice would she give a new stepmother?
  • How to deal with discipline as a stepparent? Who does the discipling?
  • How can dad facilitate the bonding process between stepmom and stepchild?
  • What if you don’t like your stepchild?
  • How can you work at bonding with your stepchild?
  • What reactions can you expect from your stepchild?

And much, much more on step-parenting both for stepmoms and stepdads.

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