parenting plans

Coping with Divorce/Divorce Law UK/Moving On

Our Relationship is Over: What Do I Do Now?

Published on October 13, 2025October 10, 2025

James Pirrie
Director at
Family Law in Partnership

Let’s not sugar coat it, this question “what do I do now?” (at the moment you know you will separate) is the single most important question you will answer in this whole chapter of your life. There will be a lot of other questions that you will be coming to, but get this one right and you should be able to avoid the unreasonable positioning and exhausting demands of a slow process that will cost eye-watering amounts, to achieve to your best possible outcome.

Here are my ten top tips from helping clients through this part of their lives for the past forty-something years.

1. Ensure you are safe

Ensure your safety and the safety of your children. If there is a risk to this then it will dictate how you address the rest of these tips.

Safety at the end of a relationship is a whole topic on its own and planning for it will depend on your situation. In controlling relationships, it is likely that a whole range of strategies will have been put in place around you by your prospective ex, with the intention of making it impossible for you to go. The single most important thing is to reach the realisation that yes you are going to leave – it is then about getting the support to manage your way out of the maze. If you need help to leave safely, there are amazing organisations that can help you manage a safe exit. Everything follows from this.

2. Manage your emergencies

In the same way, some separations have emergencies – personal safety is the most important. Others can include:

jurisdictional races (where one of you could start proceedings in a different country, you may need to act quickly to ensure your divorce takes place where your needs and those of the children will be met favourably)
a child being taken abroad to separate them from you (child abduction)
information or assets being hidden or disposed of
your being isolated from funds.

Some of these you can address in part – or at least make easier – but many of them are going to require immediate professional help, probably from a solicitor.

The rest of the “to-dos” are subject to emergencies – sometimes you won’t have time to plan your best path, you will feel bounced around by circumstance. Just carry on trying your best, accepting where you are and planning from there.

3. Consider couple counselling

If there are no safety concerns, this is a consideration that you should not skate past. I have worked for too many people who have said their ex has come back to them some years down the road saying “I got it wrong – I don’t know what I was thinking- is there a way back for us?”. For me that points to a missed opportunity for some serious conversation around what was not working in the relationship and each person’s capacity for change. Of course, the result may still be that you decide to separate, but talking things through a counsellor is also likely to reassure and make for better progress if you do decide to part.

4. Be kind if you can

So often, perhaps when people come to me midway through, they seem to be in a terrible situation, which they are finding hard to understand. There might be brutality around disclosure or how the finances are being managed for the interim or how arrangements are being set around the children. It is all a bit destructive and aimless, which is a surprise as they’re decent people. So, what went wrong? Well usually it is about how things started.

Actions like deception and adultery matter (see my blog here on this very point) – perhaps not to the professionals who know the courts don’t care, but they really matter to the person being deceived and to their kids when they find out. Brutal and sharp separations are like throwing a huge slab of concrete into a small pond – the splash and ripples are going to play havoc for a while and in unexpected ways. Stepping out slowly and gently with empathy respect and understanding, can help everyone get through to the smart choices more quickly.

5. Start early

It follows that planning and starting early is usually a positive too, you can pace things more calmly. You don’t find yourself suddenly desperate that it all has to be sorted by the weekend. (That “I have just had it up to here” moment). It also means that you are less likely to be bounced into the “well I am leaving you” discussion at the worst of times in the heat of an argument. These things are going to be tough and thinking about how to do it in the best way, in the calm, will pay dividends.

6. Get support

All of that is going to point towards you getting individual support. So many people say “I don’t need that fluffy stuff …” or “we are not getting back together”. But that is not what this is about. It is about understanding where your ex is and what they are going through. It is about helping you to think of this from their side to be able to move things on in the best way possible. It is tough. It is practical. It is also short term and goal-oriented.

Find the right support and you will be challenged to do this well, but also supported to do so. That’s why I recommend that you get professional support – not just support from your mates or family:

This is the other response to my recommendation of professional expertise is “well I am talking to my friends.” The problem with relying solely on friends and family is that:

They care too much and as such, are likely to operate like an echo chamber for you: they want to be supportive and are likely to tell you what they think you want to hear – which is not always what you need to hear
They may bring their own unresolved personal issues to the conversation and that is not helpful
They don’t have the training to help you process everything in a constructive way
Their advice is likely to be on the hoof, quick answers without the depth of consideration that is really needed
You may find yourself managing your choices to keep them satisfied.

Without meaning to cast aspersions on your inner circle, you are also sharing confidences with them which may well be shared with others.

I could go on but in essence, therapists are likely to be the most valuable in monetary terms. Find the right one and use them.

7. Think and write

So you know you are going to need to get some advice and guidance (how else are you going to have the anchor of knowing your rights and obligations – how else would you recognise a good deal?). Lawyers charge by time and will read a well-organised briefing way quicker than they can ask questions and you answer them. Many firms will have an information gatherer on their website. If you want to get the most from your time with a lawyer and keep costs time, you would prepare:

A balance sheet of where you are now:
- who is in the family and who are the relatives and important other people in your lives
- all the dates and details that are going to be needed such as when the relationship started, was formalised and ended
- and yes those financial numbers all pinned down so far as known.
- In addition there will be descriptions of what is going on – what everyone is like; how are your children doing, pictures etc.
An account of how you got here this is likely to take in your families of origin, education, careers, first homes, challenges and so on
And then the quick fire document for a first call: The super brief summary and a clear vision of what you want and what you think are the hurdles to getting there.

Indeed sometimes I think that this last piece of knowing what you are needing is the single most important piece of work that will be in your briefing for the next step.

8. Find the right professional

This can feel like a minefield. There are directories ranking legal professionals, but they may not be your best starting point. What you are likely to want is that skilled professional whom you trust because they get you and their values resonate with yours, simple as that.

When you are researching there will be lots of focus on who does what process and your head can spin with the terms likely to be coming at you: negotiation/ collaborative/ co-operative/ one lawyer/ together/ amicable/ litigation/ mediation/ child inclusion/ hybrid/ integrative, but that shouldn’t be your worry: Your job is to be clear about your needs (those hurdles you identified at stage 7), not the process (which is what the professional brings to accommodate them). It is the professional’s job to show that they have heard you and to explain their recommendation. If you are convinced, you have the start of your plan. If you are not then say so – if you are not heard, you may not be in the right room so think about moving on now.

It is why you might do well to choose a professional who is serious about all the different ways of doing things – it will ensure you are presented with all the options. Many lawyers will only have one qualification, permitting them to negotiate your case with the court as a fall back and the court is the last place most people want to end up. If your lawyer doesn’t know, isn’t familiar with and doesn’t use collaborative, mediation or arbitration then just have in mind that these ways that might suit you better will probably not be on the menu for discussion.

9. Be brave …ish

Sitting down to talk with your ex may be absolutely the last thing you want to do, and of course you shouldn’t compromise safety, but for most people, a professionally assisted conversation with a neutral person (likely to be in mediation – but potentially “one lawyer”) is likely to be the fast route to finding the best solution. Your ex is likely to have a view of what they think the outcome should be and they are going to hang onto it until you can show that you have heard them. It is much harder to do this if your discussion is via letters and emails being fired between lawyers from their respective trenches a seeming “safe” distance away from each other.

The right mediator will help you both to manage a safe and productive conversation even in difficult situations. There would be an assessment and intake process (called “a MIAM”, standing for Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting) when you can gather an understanding of what mediation would be like and talk through whether it is for you. In fact, you are required in most situations to have this meeting even if you wanted ultimately to go to court and I would encourage you to enter this meeting with an open mind as there is a lot of flexibility in mediation and other processes which may mean they are better for you.

10. Think kids

So obvious you may say it didn’t need saying. Where you have children, they are likely to be the lens through which all of this is viewed, you will consider your children:

when you take steps to start
in how you manage the relationship with your ex (because you are usually going to be co-parenting long term so you will not want to lay waste to how you talk to each other)
in the choices you make (for example the geography of your homes and family-friendly career-choices)
in the timing of any new relationship
in how you work out care and decision making: your children are part of each of you, they need safe arrangements to have a relationship with each of you if possible – and ideally each of you supporting the other to be the best parent you can be.

There is a lot to consider and it is all too easy to delay. But whether this relationship is your future or not is for you to decide and in your heart you will know the answer to that (especially if you have been through tip 3).

If this relationship is not working and can’t be made to work, it is unlikely to be the best example of “adult relationships” for your kids, but beyond this, please don’t become that person I see so regularly who says “now I know about it all, I should have done this a decade ago, it would have been better for everyone.”

About James Pirrie

James Pirrie is a Director of Family Law in Partnership, a highly regarded law firm based in London, which specialises in de-escalating conflict in family law. He is an Arbitrator, Family Solicitor and Mediator accredited in child-inclusive mediation.

James is driven to improve long term outcomes for families who are experiencing separation or divorce. He is credited with introducing collaborative law to the UK and with changing how children’s needs are addressed during family breakdown through the Parenting after Parting initiative.

Children of Divorce

Divorce & Disabled Children: Why a Child’s Needs are Paramount

Published on September 12, 2025September 29, 2025

Sarah Whitelegge
Legal Director
Myerson Solicitors

Why a child’s needs are the paramount consideration on divorce

On divorce, the court will consider a list of factors under section 25 of the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 when deciding how assets are to be divided.

Section 25 (1) provides that the court must give first consideration to the welfare of a child of the family who has not attained the age of 18.

The Matrimonial Causes Act 1973, Section 52 (1) defines a child of the family as:

A child of both parties; and
Any other child who has been treated by both parties to a marriage as a child of their family (not including a foster child placed with the parties as foster parents by the local authority or voluntary agency).

The court will have regard to the child’s housing and day to day income needs and such needs may take on a greater significance in comparison with the other factors to which the court must have regard to in cases where the assets and means of the parties are limited.

Factors the court will consider

The court must have regard to all the circumstances of the case and will look at all the relevant issues that are not specifically address in the Matrimonial Causes At 1973 Section 25(2) checklist.

The Section 25 factors considered by the court on financial provision include the following:

The income, earning capacity and other financial resources each party has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future.
The financial needs, obligations and responsibilities each party has or is likely to have.
The standard of living enjoyed by the family before the breakdown of the marriage.
The age of each party and the duration of the marriage.
Any physical or mental disability of either party.
The contributions each party has made or is likely to make to the welfare of the family.
The conduct of each party.

The weight given to each factor depends on the particular facts and circumstances of each case. The objective is to achieve a fair outcome. An equal division of the marital assets may be appropriate where there is sufficient capital to house both parents. In cases where the assets are more limited, the needs of the child may override issues of equal sharing.

Dividing assets in a divorce is rarely straightforward but when a child has significant physical or learning disability, the question of housing is important. If the family home has been adapted with ramps, hoists, widened doorways or sensory safe spaces, it may be impractical ad unsafe to move a child to a new property that is not set up to meet the needs of the child.

Consideration will need to be given as to whether the adapted property should remain with the parent who is the primary carer.

The court will consider expenses associated with the child’s accommodation and basic expenses such as the cost of food and clothing. The court will also have regard to the standard of living of the family and all the circumstances of the case, including how the children are educated.

Section 25(2) above refers to the financial needs, obligations and responsibilities each parent has in relation to a child, but these responsibilities will not disappear when a child turns 18 particularly if a child has lifelong needs.

If a child has a disability, this may constitute special circumstances that may allow a financial provision order to be made that extends beyond their 18th birthday. Additionally, the court may make a maintenance order to meet expenses attributable to the child’s disability provided the criteria set out in CSA 1991, Section 8 (8) are fulfilled.

The court will wish to ensure that adequate provision is made for children with a disability and it may consider making periodical payments order or lump sum order to meet capital expenditure if, for example, any special equipment is required.

Child support for children with special needs

The court has jurisdiction to make orders for maintenance in respect of a child with special needs, notwithstanding the general restrictions upon making periodical payments for the benefit of a child who falls within the jurisdiction of the Child Maintenance Service. The court can make these orders regardless of whether an application for a maintenance calculation has been made.

Nesting arrangements

If separated parents feel that it will be of benefit to their child to provide some consistency, consideration may be given to a nesting arrangement. This involves separated parents taking it in turns to look after their children in the family home while the other parent temporarily lives elsewhere. This means that the child can stay in one home while parents rotate in and out of that home.

For a disabled child, this can be a helpful arrangement as it avoids moving equipment that the child may need and ensures the child remains in a familiar adapted space.

However, what may suit the child’s welfare may not be financially sustainable for the parents long-term and nesting may be a temporary measure rather than a permanent solution.

Planning for transition

Many parents of disabled children will find that support that was available through children’s services may fall away and for separated parents in divorce proceedings this presents an added dimension: financial settlements and child maintenance orders often assume that support for children ends at adulthood, but for many young disabled people their needs remain lifelong.

The Care Act 2014 provides when the local authority has carried out an assessment, information should be provided about whether the young person or child’s acer is likely to have eligible needs for care and support when they turn 18.

The Care Act 2014 sets out when the local authority has a responsibility to meet someone’s care and support needs. The act gives local authorities a legal responsibility to provide a care and support plan (or a support plan in the case of a carer). The personal budget must be included in the plan, and this adds to a person right to ask for a direct payment to meet some or all their needs.

The Children and Families Act creates a birth to 25 years Education, Health and Care Plan for children and young people with special educational needs and offers families personal budgets so that they have control over the type of support they receive.

Practical tips for separating parents of disabled children

On separation it is important to consider the following questions:

Should child maintenance or financial provision extend beyond 18 where a disabled young adult cannot support themselves
Can any settlement include provision for long-term care, sometimes structured through a trust
How should parents balance their own retirement planning against the knowledge that their child may always need financial and practical support

About Sarah Whitelegge

Sarah Whitelegge is a Legal Director at Myerson Solicitors, Altrincham, Cheshire. She advises on a wide range of family matters including divorce, dissolution of civil partnerships, financial settlements, separation, co-habitation, pre and postnuptial agreements, disputes regarding children and domestic violence.

She is particularly experienced in matters concerning complex children matters and has experience of dealing with applications for child arrangement orders, prohibited steps orders, specific issue orders, and special guardianship orders.

She has significant advocacy experience, having regularly appeared in the Family Courts representing clients in relation to private law children matters, financial order proceedings and domestic violence matters.

Sarah is a committed member of Resolution and has achieved specialist accreditation in private children law and domestic violence.

For more information about Myerson Solicitors and its Family Team, visit: https://www.myerson.co.uk/personal/family-law

Children of Divorce/Divorce Law UK

Understanding Parental Rights in the UK

Published on May 23, 2025May 20, 2025

Akwal Ryatt
Head of Family Law
Tyler Hoffman Solicitors

Getting divorced can be complicated for couples with children, as decisions must be made regarding where each child lives, how much time they spend with each parent, and other aspects of their care. The matter of parental rights may also come into question, particularly if the parents were not married when the child was born. A father may not automatically have parental responsibility for a child under these circumstances, which can affect their rights during divorce proceedings.

There are important legal and procedural steps that parents should take during divorce proceedings to preserve their role in their child’s life, and to maintain the ability to make decisions about their care, their living arrangements and other important aspects of their life. These rights do not automatically change due to divorce, but the court may become involved if there is a dispute about how they are exercised, and it is important to protect yourself.

Here, the experienced divorce solicitors at Tyler Hoffman explain how parental responsibility is established, how it affects the rights of each parent during a divorce and how to secure a Child Arrangements Order.

What is parental responsibility?

‘Parental responsibility’ refers to the legal rights, duties, powers and authority a parent has for a child. It includes the right to make decisions about education, religion, medical treatment and day-to-day care. A child’s birth mother will have parental responsibility automatically, and any Parental Responsibility Orders issued by the court will name any other people who have a say in these decisions.

A father’s legal rights generally depend on whether he has parental responsibility, which can be crucial when making child arrangements during the divorce process. A father automatically has parental responsibility if he was married to the child’s mother at the time of birth or subsequently, or if he is listed on the birth certificate (for children born after 1 December 2003 in England and Wales). You should speak to experienced paternity lawyers about whether you have parental responsibility if you have any concerns. Adoptive or foster parents may also have this responsibility, although it can be worthwhile to confirm this with a solicitor.

If either party does not have parental responsibility, they apply to the court for it using a Parental Responsibility Order or by entering into a Parental Responsibility Agreement with the child’s birth mother.

What is the role of a Child Arrangements Order?

A Child Arrangements Order is a legally binding court order that outlines how a child’s care will be structured following a divorce or separation. It becomes necessary if parents cannot reach an informal agreement (such as a Parenting Plan) about how child care arrangements will be managed. The order offers a legally binding decision on:

Residency: where and with whom the child will live
Contact: when and how they see the other parent
Whether a shared care arrangement is appropriate.

Either parent can apply to the court to put an order in place, and guardians or others with parental responsibility may also be able to apply, although certain parties will need permission from the court before they can apply for a Child Arrangements Order.

You may also need to attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) before the family court will consider a Child Arrangements Order. A MIAM is an opportunity to resolve the issue without involving the court, and can help the parties in a divorce to reach an informal resolution. However, if mediation doesn’t work or is not suitable, either parent can apply to the family court for a Child Arrangements Order.

This will usually result in court hearings where a judge can review evidence from both parties and make a decision on final arrangements. An officer from the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service may conduct safeguarding checks and recommend arrangements based on the child’s welfare. The court makes decisions based on what it believes will be best for the child, including their wishes and feelings, the impact of any changes in circumstances and which parent is most able to meet their practical, emotional and educational needs.

Parents can also apply for a Specific Issue Order to resolve a particular dispute, or a Prohibited Steps Order to prevent the other parent from taking certain actions without permission. This is often used in cases where one parent decides to relocate, or if there is a dispute about schooling.

What does a Child Arrangements Order mean for parental rights?

Unlike an informal agreement, a Child Arrangements Order can be enforced by the court, which gives parents a degree of additional protection and ensures that the agreement remains in place. If one parent breaches the order, the other can apply to the court to enforce it. In response, the court can impose penalties, including warnings, enforcement orders (including unpaid work orders) and the need to pay compensation for financial losses.

While there is a risk in letting the court decide, courts generally support regular, meaningful contact with both parents unless there is clear evidence that such contact would harm the child. Speak to an experienced family law solicitor for guidance on navigating this process, and make sure to keep records of all contact and communication with other parties involved in the divorce to give yourself the best chance of a favourable outcome from any legal process.

About Akwal Ryatt

Akwal Ryatt is the head of Family Law at Tyler Hoffman Solicitors, and is an accomplished Chartered Legal Executive with an extensive career spanning over 28 years. With a compassionate approach, Akwal is characterised by her profound expertise in family law areas including divorce, separations, Child Arrangement Orders, Financial Remedy Orders and more.

Children of Divorce/Step-Parenting

Keeping Divorce Pain Out of Parenting

Published on May 5, 2025February 24, 2025

Johanna Lynn
Founder
The Family Imprint Institute

When your child does or says something that reminds you of their other parent, it can stir up all kinds of mixed emotions. A certain expression, a way of laughing, or a habit that is unmistakably their other parent. In those moments, it can be easy to get pulled into fear, frustration or unresolved hurt.

Sitting back with your cup of tea in hand, you remember your choice that the love for your children has to be the guiding force through all of this, even when resentment, exhaustion, or heartache threaten to take over.

Divorce reshapes everything. One home becomes two. The quiet of shared evenings now echoes with the absence of the other parent. And the children—caught in the in-between—look to you for answers. They don’t ask outright, but they watch, listen, absorb. Their sense of security hinges on how you navigate this new landscape.

What I’ve observed in my almost 20 years in my practice is that divorce can become a battlefield, with children unwittingly caught in the crossfire. It’s tempting, in a moment of frustration, to let a sigh escape when their other parent is late again. To roll your eyes when they rave about the fun weekend they had with them. To let your disappointment seep into conversations meant to be neutral.

The truth is, your pain in this relationship ending is yours to carry, not theirs.

Your children don’t need to know about the arguments over who forgot to send the backpack or the text messages left unanswered. They shouldn’t have to decode passive-aggressive comments or feel the tension created when they mention their other parent’s name.

Children do best when they can love both parents without hesitation, without guilt, without fear or feeling like they need to have an alliance with one parent, leaving out the other.

You may have every reason to be angry, still carrying wounds that feel impossible to heal. What is also true at the same time is that for your child, their other parent is someone they love, someone who is a part of their world. And for their wellbeing, having access to both parents without tension or conflict will make all the difference in their lives.

That means keeping what belongs between you and your co-parent exactly where it should stay—between the two of you. When the tension rises, take a deep breath before responding. If the other parent fails to follow through, handle it without dragging your child into the disappointment.

It’s natural that there will be times you want to make sense of all that happened, find a friend, a therapist, a journal—anything but your child’s open, impressionable heart. They are not your allies in the war of who is the better parent. They are simply your children, and they need to be allowed to love both of their parents.

That doesn’t mean ignoring reality. Children are perceptive, and they know when things have changed. Acknowledge their feelings without making them carry yours. “I know it’s different now. I know you miss how things used to be.” Remind them that Mum and Dad will always agree on is loving you. Make it clear “You don’t have to choose. You are loved—fully, completely—by both of us.”

Your child will one day grow up and form their own conclusions about both parents. Let those conclusions be built on their experiences, not on the whispers of resentment they picked up over the years. Give them the gift of a childhood where they were free to love openly, without the burden of carrying someone else’s pain.

Co-parenting is not about proving who is the better parent. It’s about giving your child the stability they need to thrive in a world that has already shifted beneath their feet.

So when they come home talking about the amazing trip they had with their other parent, smile. Let them be excited. Let them know their happiness is never a betrayal. When they struggle with the changes, be the place where they can land softly, without judgment, without expectation, just love.

The greatest gift you can give your child after divorce isn’t a flawless parenting schedule. It’s the freedom to love both parents without the pressure to choose sides, that is something that will stay with them far beyond childhood into who they become as adults, into the relationships they build, and into the way they show up in the world.

About Johanna Lynn

Johanna Lynn is the founder of The Family Imprint Institute with over 20 years of experience. She specialises in supporting individuals navigating divorce, helping them uncover the root causes behind their separation. Johanna uses innovative mind-body techniques to illuminate how family dynamics influence relationships, providing clients with deep insights, clarity and healing.

Children of Divorce/Divorce and Finances

5 Tips for Managing Your Child’s Expenses Post Divorce

Published on May 2, 2025April 11, 2025

Zarira Love
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

Divorce leads to major changes in your finances. You might pay thousands for solicitor and court fees. With one income leaving your home, you’ll likely incur new expenses like child care if a parent will no longer be at home to care for the children.

While your ex should shoulder some of the burden for the cost of raising your child, it might fall mostly on you if you provide the child’s primary residence.

It’s a lot to take on, but if you’re proactive, you can manage.

Tip #1: Create a monthly budget

A budget can help you stay within your means and figure out where you need to cut corners.

As you prepare for divorce, make a categorised list of all your bills (e.g., housing, electricity) and expected expenses (e.g., food, petrol), along with how much you expect to spend in each category.

While bills are straightforward, it can be a bit tricky to estimate expenses. Look at receipts, bank statements and other proofs of payment to help you figure out your average expenses. Keep in mind, this amount might vary month to month. The goal is to figure out how much you spend on average so you don’t spend more than you make.

You could do separate accounting for your child’s expenses (a sound idea if the other parent is expected to pay a portion) or keep it all together. Example expenses you might incur because of your child include:

Schooling (e.g., uniforms, tutoring, supplies)
Transport
Communications (e.g., TV, internet, mobile phone)
Clothing and footwear
Extra-curriculars
Recreation (e.g., eating out, going to concerts)
Child care
Medicine
Personal care

Add up your bills and expenses to get your total monthly spending.

Next, add up your earnings from work and other sources, like spousal or child maintenance if you’re receiving payments.

Subtract total bills and expenses from your earnings. You could allocate a portion of your residuals to savings. Include this in your budget as well.

If you’re left with zero or less, find ways to adjust your budget to suit your income. Your child might have a piano lesson once a week rather than twice. You might unsubscribe from a streaming service.

Keep track of your monthly spending to make sure you’re sticking to your budget. If you’re looking for a template for your budget, there are budget worksheets available online or you can create a spreadsheet. There are also finance apps that help you stay on top of spending.

Tip #2: Make a plan for shared co-parenting expenses

Co-parents often argue about how to sort out costs related to the children.

A good way to lessen headaches is to make a list of co-parenting shared expenses. Discuss with your co-parent how you’ll split each expense or whether one parent will cover the full cost.

You might split everything equally or split in relation to each parent’s income. You could keep track of these expenses and invoice one another for reimbursement at the end of the month.

Tip #3: Prioritise needs over wants

In the aftermath of divorce, you’ll feel some guilt that makes you want to spoil your kids.

It’s tough not being able to get your child everything they want. However, if you spoil them, they’ll expect that treatment all the time, which may not be possible with your budget.

Budget for gifts, entertainment and recreation last so they don’t get in the way of paying bills and buying necessities.

Tip #4: Teach your children financial responsibility

Help your children learn the value of money so their expectations become a bit more realistic.

One way to teach your children financial literacy is to give them pocket money. Assign chores for them to do to earn their money so they gain understanding of the work you put in to provide for them.

When your child asks for something pricey, encourage them to save up a portion of their pocket money until they can afford it so they learn the importance and benefits of saving.

If your child is mature enough, you could allow them to have their own bank account and debit card.

Tip #5: Seek help when needed

Newly divorced parents often feel the need to prove they can go it alone. While learning self-reliance is essential to moving on, there’s nothing wrong with getting help to benefit your child.

Professionals like financial advisers assist your transition to post-divorce life by advising you on your spending and how to save more. Plus, government resources are available. Reach out to family and friends for support as well. They can be especially important when it comes to saving on child care costs.

About Zarira Love

Zarira Love has been researching and writing articles about child custody and parenting for nearly six years. She currently resides in New York City.

Zarira is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

Children of Divorce

Setting Boundaries So You Can Work Better with Your Co-Parent

Published on February 10, 2025January 31, 2025

Tucker Lieberman
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

If you and your ex will co-parent your child, you’ll be in regular communication to make it happen. That means you’ll need to find new ways to speak and work together.

At least one of you will have to make big decisions for your child: where they’ll go to school, how their special needs will be supported, which religion to raise them in, and whether to pursue a complex medical treatment. Some co-parents make these kinds of decisions together. Even if you don’t, one of you will have to inform the other of the big rules that guide your child’s life.

You and your ex will also coordinate exactly when and where you’ll exchange your child, and you’ll have to notify each other if you’re running late. You’ll pass on minor details like whether your kid already ate dessert or argued with a friend.

So, even as you envision a new life apart from your ex, stay realistic about your future need to talk to them. Though you’ll no longer be spouses, you’ll have important roles in each other’s lives.

Talking with Your Ex During the Divorce Process

A split can be so emotionally painful that it’s hard to keep open lines of communication. The hurt that one of you caused the other, or that both of you caused each other, is real. Nevertheless, for parents, it’s crucial to keep talking for your child’s sake.

Ideally, both of you should try to give your child as much stability as possible until the court can order a child arrangement, which means agreeing to a parenting routine and sticking to it civilly (rather than yanking the child back and forth and arguing in front of them).

You’ll also benefit from negotiating productively so you can get a fair outcome for your child and for yourselves. In the UK, parents may use mediation, collaborative practice or arbitration to help them reach decisions out of court.

Keeping open lines of communication doesn’t mean you have to pick up the phone at any hour of the night, respond to excessive text messages, or tolerate disrespectful emails. Nor does it mean you have to tell absolutely everything to your ex or allow them to micromanage your parenting time. You each deserve some privacy and autonomy.

In fact, communicating well as co-parents involves respecting each other’s limits. It’s a great idea to explicitly set boundaries with your ex. Do your part to obey the limits in good faith, and apologise when you make a mistake. Thank your co-parent for respecting your boundaries, and calmly hold them accountable when they don’t.

Rebuilding Your Co-Parenting Dynamic for Your Child’s Sake

It’s widely recognised that it’s in a child’s best interests to maintain a relationship with both parents. Sometimes there’s a reason to exclude one parent from the child’s life, but apart from situations of parental abuse or neglect, children generally benefit from meaningful, frequent contact with both parents.

In the UK, it’s common for courts to order shared parenting, meaning that the court divides parenting time close to equally. You’ll have to follow the order, and that will entail working together with your former spouse.

While some exes remain amicable and genuinely appreciate knowing what’s happening in each other’s lives, others insist on limiting conversations to matters involving their child. If one of you wants minimal interaction, the other has to accept reality and learn to let go.

And while spouses may have once enjoyed regular contact with each other’s family members and friends, most divorcing people find that those mutual connections decrease and eventually disappear. An exception would be if one of those adults is a carer for their child.

To help grant each other a sense of freedom and privacy, some co-parents agree to use only a designated messaging app with each other. Or they may agree to refrain from mentioning each other on social media.

Divorce is no easy road, but starting today, you can strive to build a good life for yourself and your child. By putting your best foot forward and interacting in good faith with your ex, you form a new co-parenting dynamic. What you do today leads to a better tomorrow.

About Tucker Lieberman

Tucker Lieberman is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change. After a decade with an investment company focusing on saving for university, he now writes about co-parenting arrangements.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

Children of Divorce/Coping with Divorce/Divorce Videos and Interviews/Moving On/Your Divorce Stories

Navigating International Divorce – TDM Expert Interviews

Published on January 9, 2025

chloe-o-contributor — Chloe O.
Alternative Dispute Resolution professional and Certified Divorce Coach
The Divorce and Separation Coach

Introducing the latest transcript blog featuring an insightful interview with Chloe O., an experienced divorce coach specialising in international divorce. In this insightful interview, Chloe shares her expert knowledge on what international divorces are, the unique challenges they pose, and how to navigate them effectively. From dealing with cultural differences and cross-border legal systems to managing emotional stress, Chloe offers invaluable advice on making the process as amicable as possible.

Join us as we explore the common issues that arise in international divorces and practical strategies to help individuals maintain clarity, focus, and resilience during this complex journey.

Read on for the full transcript of our interview, “Navigating International Divorce: Challenges and Strategies.”

[Music]

Hello everybody, thank you so much for joining us again on The Divorce Magazine YouTube channel or on the website if that’s where you’re watching it. My name is Dr Soila, I’m the founding editor of The Divorce Magazine, it’s been running for, over 10 years, let’s put it that way, and um, today we have Chloe and um, Chloe has contributed to The Divorce Magazine quite a bit so we like that. Um, really interesting, and extremely informative content that you have sent to us so, if you haven’t met Chloe, please look her up on The Divorce Magazine or, on her Instagram.

Anyway she’ll tell us where to find her at the end of this um, interview so, Chloe is a mum of two pre-teen girls, and has been helping people through divorce and separation for over a decade now since her own um, divorce. I’m introducing you Chloe, I hope that’s okay? She was born in Paris, to a French father and uh, an American mother, and she’s been living in the UK for the past 15 years and is a very active um, member of the expert community.

Um, she has personally experienced divorce twice, um, the first from her father, the father of her children after six years of marriage, and the second divorce was also from the father of her children but in a very different context, where he needed to move abroad suddenly, and um, and that brought up all other issues that that um, included financial issues and child arrangement seeing as they would be living in different countries so the whole thing, kind of was brought up again is that right Chloe? Yeah, and that was a second experience, so given this story um, it’s not surprising the direction that Chloe took, which is to become a non-court dispute resolution, res, resolution professional and a certified divorce coach.

She now dedicates her time as you will see here and in other context uh, she dedicates her time to something particularly purposeful to her, which is supporting others through one of the most difficult and stressful life transitions that they can ever experience in their lives. So welcome Chloe, and, thank you so much for having me, pleasure, for coming and being with us today.

So I’m going to do this a little bit differently than I do with, with other um, interviews. I’ll ask you, tell us about your work, and what it entails. Yeah, so divorce coaches are, are a fairly new um, profession in the UK. Quite established in the US, it really depends on where you are in the world. But basically we insert ourselves between the work of a therapist, and the work of a lawyer. Our, our objective is to support people through the journey of divorce, from one end to the other ideally, and to be there really as their thinking partner, because there are thousands and thousands of decisions that need to be made um, in the context of your divorce and they’re not necessarily legal decisions.

So I work a lot with expat, there’s decisions with regards to which country they want to live in after divorce um, how are they’re going to arrange um, for their children to see both parents if they’re in different countries um, all the questions are around whether the settlement discussions are working the way they want and whether they’re, they can accept the proposals that their ex is making for them, to them. So there’s a lot of different issues that come up and that require some proper thinking. And your friends and family can be really helpful, but they’re not professional, they’re not trained um, I bring that specific training specifically around conflict management and negotiation skills. So my objective is to help my clients to divorce out of court, to reach agreements amicably, doesn’t mean they’re best friends, it means they do it collaboratively. And so I coach them through communication methods, negotiation strategies, and overall how to limit the conflict, so that the divorce can be as fast, as cheap, and as conflict free as possible.

And that can’t be easy because we already know because I’ve been through divorce myself, and we already know just how emotional, people can get when they’re going through divorce and what emotions can, arise in them and how, that can just bring the whole process to unravel and become quite conflictual. Yeah. Absolutely and big part of my job is helping people to identify these emotions, recognise and accept them, but also to make sure that they don’t tint their decision-making.

So the processes around fact-based decisions, because those are decisions you’re going to have to live with for quite a while after your divorce um, you want to make sure that they’re not made in the spur of the moment based on, on short-term emotions, but that they’re really thought through, and that you’ve, you know, compared those decisions to your long-term objectives, and to your children’s wellbeing needs. Yeah, yeah.

So today we’re looking at international divorces um, yes, which actually is so important because the world has become so small, it’s not a big, big world where trouble was much more complicated now it’s so much easier to travel and to settle in different parts of the world.

What is the process when going through an international divorce?

So why don’t you talk us through what you, what you have found or what the process is when you’re working with people who are going through or might end up going through an international divorce. Yeah, well I mean I think in general, you know, an expatriation or a national marriage all amazing opportunities, you get to learn about someone else’s culture, you get to go live in a new country, and discover a whole new world of, of opportunities new ways of thinking. What it does do though, is it, it does take tend to create a strain on the couple, it can create an imbalance. A lot of my clients have been the ones following their spouse um, either to, to their home country or they travelled together before the spouse’s job, and so they have had to put their own career on the, on the back burner a little bit, they have had to leave their own friends and family behind to follow this romantic relationship um, and, and what happens that a lot of couples have a hard time finding a new balance, that that works for them in that new context.

So there’s a lot of thinking that needs to go into the decision to move abroad even before um, you know you’re anywhere near divorce but once you get to the stage of divorce, it is particularly difficult, when you’re in that situation. First of all you’re far away from your friends, your family, your support network um, sometimes you’re getting divorced in a country where you don’t even speak the language, or you don’t speak it very well. You don’t know how the how the legal system works there, none of your friends and family can tell you, you know share advice because they divorced in another country um, and then there’s a lot of kind of legal elements to it that become complicated that don’t arise in a local divorce, and so that’s where having somebody who’s specialised and who can really guide you through, um, all those different implications for the divorce, that your typical lawyer or typical divorce coach wouldn’t be informed about um, that value is, is, is tremendous because that avoids making really costly mistakes later on.

What is an international divorce?

Yeah, yeah can I, I just realise that what, what do we actually mean by an international divorce? I, I just thought to myself that some people might see think about it that um, okay so you’re having your wedding and you go and you have it in Barbados, and then you’re going through divorce, do you get divorced, is that an international divorce where you have to go to Barbados to get the divorced you have it here? Or is it where you have a divorce while you’re living in, you move, you know immigrate to Barbados and you’re living there and then you go through divorce while you’re there?

So that there are very complex rules around which country is eligible to deal with a divorce and I, I would let a, a lawyer answer that question because it will depend on the country and there’s a lot of different conventions that regulate that, but that is one of the biggest decisions that people have to make very early on, with regards to their divorce is, which country do we get divorced in, and if they have ties to different countries, um, if one of them’s from France and the other one’s from the UK um, it might be that both countries would recognise their right to, to rule on this divorce.

That being said, every country has very different rules, very different laws, different ways of approaching divorce, you know, in the UK we’ve, since 2022 we have No Fault Divorce so you don’t need to prove any wrongdoing as for a divorce, in some countries you do. So you’re not going to approach it the same way, so that decision of choosing the right place for you to divorce has a lot of implications it’s not you know some countries take a lot longer to get divorced and some are a lot more expensive just because legal fees are more expensive um, there’s all kinds of rules that come into play with regards to how long you might have been married, or how long you’ve been separated, to be able to divorce. So you need to spend time understanding all of those differences, so that you can make an informed decision, and that’s usually one of the ones that most of my, my clients struggle with very early on, it’s an important decision yeah, okay.

What advice would you give to a parent who wants to relocate as a result of getting a divorce?

So let’s take an example, of a couple living in the UK, and they’re both from, you know um, which country sh, shall we pick they’re both from Kenya. O kay, they come here, and they’re, they’re living here married um, have children, and then they start going through a divorce, yeah, and one partner wants to take, you know, the mum says for instance, well we are having a divorce, I don’t need to be here anymore, I’m moving back to Kenya with my children. Um, do you have any advice as to how to manage that because that can be so difficult for the children for the, um, dad, and for the mum you know, how any…

It’s one of the big challenges that comes up in international divorce especially, in the example I was stating of people following being the one who followed their spouse. They were there for that person, it often doesn’t make much sense for them to stay in that country if they’re no longer married. Plus, you know when you’re get divorced it’s tempting to go back to somewhere that’s familiar and where you have your friends and family, so relocation comes up a lot and when you’re bring the kids with you, it becomes very complex. Um, there’s a lot of rules that you know that prevent you taking your without permission of the other parents, you’re not allowed to kidnap the child even if you don’t see it as kidnapping, as you think it it’s just taking travelling abroad with your child, so you need to be really careful about how you do that and understand the local laws, with regards to that.

But in general it’s a very difficult thing to uh, to force the other person to do through the legal system which means that it is typically something that you want to negotiate. You want to sit down with your spouse and say listen this is why I think it’s in the best interest of the children for us to go back to Kenya in your example, this is how we would work, this is what I suggest, and really try as much as possible to bring them along on that journey and to get them to understand the value, of the children and to agree to all of the, the nitty gritty of how it’ll work.

So I have a template that I, I make available for free on my website, to help people plan long-distance co-parenting, because there’s a lot of things to think about. Who’s going to pay for the children’s flights back and forth, from what age can they go on their own, who takes care as of Visas, if there’s need for visas in one country or the other, who keeps the passports, um, how is contact maintained outside of those times of visitation, what does that mean in terms of devices you provide to the child, so the other parent can contact them. There, there’s just so many dimensions that you need to anticipate, and the more you can document those up front, the less conflict you get later on, because both parents are on the same page and have agreed as to how it’s going to work. So that’s something I spend a lot of time working with my clients because it’s very common that they, they want to go back to their home country. Yeah, yeah.

Have you experienced any cases where relocation is not possible post-divorce?

And do you know of any cases where, that had, you know, maybe the dad, or the mum, has wanted to relocate well I’ll come back to that one, but um, and the, the judges have said I’m sorry you can’t relocate, I know this is more like a legal issue but you know from, from the work that you do, have you met any families where the relocation has not been possible post-divorce?

There’s case where, there’s places where it goes, it goes to court, and you know it’s a bit of a Russian Roulette when you go to court, you never really know what the judge is going to decide. In general, it ends up with a very binary decision, you know, one parent has the, the children and the other doesn’t. The beauty of negotiating the agreement, is that you can round the edges a little bit, you know it’s always going to be binary you’re not going to send the child to school, you know, halfway between Kenya and the UK, but um, you can still make, make it happen in a way that allows parent who’s being left without the children, to feel like they’re still very involved in part of the children’s day-to-day life, and that’s where you need to really speak to each other, to find the best possible arrangements for you and for your children. Yeah.

Yeah, and I think that’s where the children really come into you know very child-centred, very child focussed, what’s the best thing for the children, especially, probably if one parent had, both parents have been very active in their lives and then they lose, the presence of one parent you know pretty much, you know as it was, then you know the distance grow not just geographical distance, but also, relational distance. The you know, the wellbeing and the best interest of the children are always the paramount priority for any court, so if it did go to court, that’s what they would look like and each parent would have to show, how it’s better for the children to be in X or Y country. Yeah, so you know whether it’s just having the conversation directly with your, your ex or if it’s through the courts, you need to be able to articulate why this is better for the children, and how it would work in practice. Show that you’re not trying to alienate the other parent, um, that there really is no ill intent there, it’s purely because it feels like the right thing to do for the children at this stage. Yeah, yeah, okay.

In your experience, what was it like when your ex-spouse decided to move countries? How did the dynamic change?

If I can use your example, your life’s example, for your life’s experience as an example, where you were, I’m assuming you were in the UK, and then your ex was the one who was going to, to leave. Um, and you had already come to some kind of agreement, and you know, and all of that so what, what changed what um, you see what I’m asking? Yes well a lot changed and partly because, the way we handled the first the actual divorce, versus the second uh, iteration was very different. So when we originally got divorced um, we got divorced very amicably, we prepared a lawyer which you were able to do and got divorced in France, you could do that at the time in France, and you know we spent a thousand pounds, three months of our life and that was it, it was sorted and he lived 10 doors down the street, saw the children very regularly, we weren’t best friends, but we got on, and we were able to co, to co- parent at least together um, and then you know several years down the line, things had changed, he had met somebody new, I actually had met somebody new too, but the influence of this new person in his life, led to him moving abroad. And that transition was not handled nearly as smoothly as the first one, um, partly because I wasn’t aware that he was moving abroad, it happened suddenly um, and so there was a long period of uncertainty I didn’t know where he was, before finally receiving a lawyer, a letter from a lawyer telling me that he’d moved abroad.

So the way it was handled and the fact that, we didn’t speak to each other directly at any point during that process, and it lasted about a year, the negotiation, and the court process, we did didn’t speak to each other because, he was intent on only communicating via lawyers, so it cost both of us a fortune it took a long… Yeah, I was just thinking how much that would have cost. Oh it goes so quickly, we were just talking about it the other day, we were reminiscing now we get on nicely but at the time, it was incredibly difficult for our relationship, I felt very betrayed by the fact that I had been blind, blindsided by his departure, um, I can’t speak for what he felt but, there was a lot of tension, and what the difference was, between our ability to co-parent originally, and after that happened, was night and day.

The collaboration, the communication, even the quality of the time of the, the transitions when, when the children were going from me to him, or him to me, um, you know originally we used to meet for coffee and just have coffee out together and then the children will go off with one of us. Um, for a long time after high conflict divorce, um, I couldn’t even look him in the eyes, the transition, were you know the handovers happened at the front door to about 8 seconds, and ended up with the door being shut in someone’s face, and you know that has a huge impact on the children. It’s horrible for the parents, but the children get to see their parents not even being able to speak to each other, and so the cost of that, is massive, and that’s where having those, those conversations early on about what would happen if one of us moved abroad, would have really helped prevent a lot of those issues.

How do you manage the child arrangements in an international divorce?

Yeah. Yeah. So how did you manage that child arrangement? Because as you was saying before the, the, the divorce before the, um, interview started, we’re just saying it’s already hard enough getting to an amicable or, an agreed child arrangement when you’re in the same city, or the same town, or the same village, um, compared to live alone being in the same country, how do you manage child arrangement?

The advantage we had, is that there was no um, there was no conflict about where the children were going to be living because he had um, left with so we weren’t fighting around, you know, the main residence of the children. Uh, but there was a lot of back and forth around the logistics for holidays um, and which countries they could travel to, who would come and pick them up and whether in this case he had to come pick him up in London, or whether I could bring him to wherever he was, um, notice periods, if things need to change, and how that would happen, and I think there’s a lot of things that in hindsight, I would have handled lot better uh, that now I think, now I have to live with these agreements and actually some bits of it don’t work for me, but we’ve put so much time and effort and pain, into reaching them that, we’re just kind of living with what, what we’ve got, but I’d like to share those lessons with people who are in those earlier stages of divorce, to make sure that they think through, what that feels like, what that looks like in practice when they agree to certain things.

So, so one example is, you know oftentimes somebody will want to take the children back to their home country, and they’ll tell the other spouse, or the ex-spouse, in exchange you can have the children for all school holidays. Which seems like as much as they can give right, it’s all the available time, but for the person who is taking the children with them, that means they will never again spend a school holiday with their children. That’s quite a big implication, it depends how old they are, but if they’re young, that could be 10 years, 15 years of never taking a holiday with your children. You have to think through these kind of proposals, and really make sure that it’s something you can live with in the long term, and that’s not going to cause problems down the line. Yeah, yeah because otherwise the one who’s not having holidays with their children they become, the strict parent, and the other one is a fun parent, which happens a lot.

How would you solve the issue of who is having the children and when?

Um, so that’s one thing so how would you solve that that issue for example, who’s having the children when, while one parent is in the UK for instance, and the other one is in Kenya? The issue is really individual for each family because it depends on their children, depends on how old they are, and how they react to change, how attached they are to each parent, how long they’ve been living in the country where they’re being taken from, so there’s a lot of different factors but, in, in general the best thing to do is to try and maintain as much regular contact as possible.

So people get very hung up about the holidays, and that makes sense because that’s when you get to actually see your child, but what creates a relationship, is that ongoing contact, and how do you make sure that the parent who’s far away, is still part of the children’s daily life, that they’re involved in health care decisions, education decisions, parent teacher meetings, all of those things how do you plan for that in a way that they can be put brought in on Zoom, or in some other way, and that they’re involved but really so they can stay close to their, their children, and then the other element is culture. I mean in your example both parents were from Kenya, but if you’ve got, you know, for example the father who’s British, and the mother is Kenyan, and she take children back to Kenya, it may be that the father’s worried and the children’s English is going to get less good, or that, they’re going to lose touch with their British culture, and so how do you build that into the children’s routine so that both parents remain, you know, part of their day-to-day life, and the influence of both parents remains part of their day-to-day life.

Yeah, and these days is so, there’s so many ways of keeping in touch like you’re saying, a parenting meeting you can call in for you know, on Zoom or on Teams or, you know, yeah, you can yes exactly, you just need to have your phone really with you, to plan ahead, to make sure that you’re thinking of time differences and, you know, letting the other person know as well about the times of the appointments. And I’m assuming that when you’re making those, you know, the structured co-parenting plan, um, that you keep in mind the ages of the children because now they’re two and four, but when they get to 14, they can fly on their own, you know, so what will that look like or, you know um.

That’s a big element Soila, because I think in general whether it’s an expat divorce or not, um, a lot of people tend to design their parenting plans based on today, and what the children need and, and do and, and they’re at today, and they forget to think about the future, and when they’re going to grow up, and things like at what age can they travel on their own, you know, if your children are two and four today, you probably don’t have that in mind at this stage you know it seems so far away, but really thinking about the long term and how that will work. What also happens if one of the two parents meet somebody new, how will that person be introduced, how will they be eased into the children’s lives. If you can anticipate all of that, at a time where you’re not in the heart of the storm, when you’re not living those events that can trigger a lot of emotions, you can anticipate, and look at them more cool-headedly, and make decisions that are actually in the best interest of the children, rather than based on emotions in in the moment of crisis. Yeah.

Oh there’s so much that is going on through my mind as you’re speaking, even when, when you started speaking about, what if they met somebody new, and I’m thinking okay, the parent who doesn’t live with their children, like um, the parent who’s left in the UK, who only sees the children, you know holiday time for instance, and the children are so excited to come and see their parent here, and then the parent has met somebody else, at what point do you introduce this person to them, the kids want to come and hang out with their parent and then oh, there’s this other person in the house, and where’s, I want my time with my mum or my dad and you know, so it can just cause so many other, um, so many things to think about.

So I’m assuming one of the things you’re saying is that make the plan as structured as possible but not set in stone. Well you know what I, I think there there’s two sides to that. Not set in stone in stone because life, and things change, and children grow, and circumstances change, so you can never sign a co-parenting agreement, you know, when your when your children are two and four and say that’s going to stand until they’re 18, the reality is will not let you do that, um, that being said, I think that it’s important to have a baseline, when having a discussion and documenting decisions you make as a couple, around how things will work, allows everybody to be on the same page.

It takes away a lot of the disagreements later on, because usually it’s the fine print that leads to conflict uh, so things around, if you need um, to have to get papers from the other parent to renew the children’s passports for example, how long ahead of time do you need to ask them, and what’s the timeline by which they need to provide those? That can cause, I’ve seen so many people have so much conflict around that because they’ve booked an appointment at the embassy they’re ready to go for the passports and the other parent hasn’t sent the documents, and they’re arguing, and this is a very small example, but it leads to so much back and forth and so much tension between the parents, and it’s just not necessary. If they just agreed, will, you know, any request will be made for weeks ahead and you have two weeks to provide them that’s it, everyone knows where they stand.

It doesn’t mean you can’t be flexible, if your ex is on holiday at that time and says I can’t send them right away it’ll be an extra week, it’s fine, but you have an agreed baseline, and I think that’s where the beauty of a documented arrangement is, is really live yeah, okay.

Thank you so much, but before we, how can people reach you Chloe,? Where can they find? So they can reach me by through my website, I have a link there to book a free discovery call, I always offer a free touch point, to get to know each other, to make sure that I’m the right person to help them, to make sure for them, to make sure that they’re comfortable speaking to me, and that I’m the right person for them, and just making sure it’s a good match. So they can book a free discovery call we have that informal chat, and they can decide at that stage whether they want to continue or not.

I do encourage people to check out my website because there are as you said earlier, a lot of free resources, I write blog articles, I have a podcast, I have a newsletter, do videos there’s a lot of information there, and I’m a very strong believer that information is key. It is really the power that allows you to handle your divorce properly. And you do have the free download? Yes everything is, is there for free it’s really a wealth of information, the idea is that people can gather that information and then we can work together to make sure that we’re tailoring the journey to their specific family. Yeah, okay. Thank you so much Chloe and um, thank you for having me, contact details at the you know at the bottom and people can contact you through that, and um, yeah, thank you and you know please keep sending your articles through, they’re amazing, well thank you so much, thank you, take care.

[Music]

Doing it For the Kids: Co-Parenting Strategies For the New Year

Published on December 11, 2024

Emma Alfieri
Legal Director
Greene & Greene Solicitors

Following separation, often parents start the arrangements for their shared children without much of a plan whilst the family settle into their new situation. Sometimes parents might adjust the arrangements over time until they can settle into a routine that suits the family.

Sadly, and often where there is poor communication and the co-parenting relationship is not a strong one, the arrangements later breakdown.

Cafcass, the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service say that if children experience poor inter-parental relations or do not know when they are next seeing the other parent, they are more likely to worry, especially if there are long gaps between visits without an explanation. Therefore, it is important for separated parents to always put the children’s needs first, despite any differences with their former partner.

As a family lawyer, I am often approached by separated parents who seek to regulate the arrangements between them and the other parent. Before considering Court intervention, there are a number of tools available that can help separated parents to co-parent more effectively:

A Parenting Plan – Parents can work together and formulate a Parenting Plan, which is a plan negotiated and agreed between the parents setting out what the arrangements for the child / children will be. For a free Parenting Plan template, visit: www.planningtogether.cafcass.gov.uk/plan

Parenting App – Where there is conflict between parents, and they struggle to communicate, a Parenting App should be considered. There are many free and paid Parenting Apps available, and the idea is that the App is used by the parents for discussion about the children only, and it can include things like calendars, ability to make audio and video calls, share expenses, make payments and maintain a secure text communication with the other parent. Feedback from parents who have tried this have reported that limiting communication to an App has been helpful.
A parenting course. Attended alone or together, a parenting course can be a useful way for parents to gain insight about positive co-parenting and the benefits to the child / children. The courses usually consider how parents can effectively communicate and work together with the other parent to agree co-parenting arrangements without the need for Court intervention.
Mediation – If separated parents cannot agree the arrangements for the child / children, then they should consider Family Mediation. This is a process in which an independent professional trained Mediator helps the parents work out the arrangements for the children. The Mediator will help to try and find a solution which works for both parents. The process is less stressful and significantly quicker than going to Court, and Mediators work with separating parents in ways that are flexible. If separated parents do not want to be in the same space, then often remote Mediation sessions can take place.
Child Inclusive Mediation – This is a structured process which is suitable for older children where a qualified family mediator speaks to the child / children to ascertain their wishes and feelings. Where the children give permission, these wishes and feelings are then shared by the mediator with the parents in a separate feedback meeting. The parents can then use this information to agree the child arrangements moving forwards.

Conclusion

The risk to a deterioration in the child / children’s emotional wellbeing and mental health increases significantly where separated parents have a high level of conflict between them. Therefore, separated parents are encouraged to consider how they can try and work together and communicate.

Remember that as children get older, often their needs will change. Therefore, when arrangements for children are made when children are very young, sometimes those arrangements could have a limited shelf life and later need to be reviewed – another reason to try and remain amicable with the other parent, where possible.

This is only intended to be a summary and not specific legal advice.

About Emma Alfieri

Emma Alfieri is a Legal Director at Suffolk firm Greene & Greene Solicitors.

Emma advises on all aspects of family law, including divorce and associated financial matters, disputes between cohabitants and child related disputes.

A member of Resolution, Emma is committed to resolving disputes as positively and agreeably as possible whilst also being motivated to obtain the best possible outcome for her clients.

Since 2012 Emma has been consistently recommended by the Legal 500 on an annual basis and in the most recent 2024 edition Emma is ranked as a “rising star”.

As an advocate of fault free divorce, Emma lobbied at Parliament with other members of Resolution in 2016 to bring about the recent changes to divorce law.

Children of Divorce

Five Co-Parenting Rules for a Painless Festive Season

Published on November 8, 2024November 18, 2025

The festive season is a joyous time for many families. However, if you’re going through a divorce or separation, you might be dreading it.

Navigating co-parenting during this time can cause headaches that may take away from the season’s excitement.

Follow these rules for a (relatively) painless festive season.

Rule #1: Plan ahead by creating a holiday schedule

A holiday schedule tells exactly how you will share time during the festive season.

Choosing a holiday schedule that suits your child’s best interests and relationship with your co-parent is vital. When you create a parenting plan, browse holiday parenting schedules for inspiration.

Get your schedule approved by the court (as a consent order) in case one parent fails to follow the arrangement.

Rule #2: Stick to what the kids know

Straying too far from what the children are used to can cause stress and confusion. If their normal is spending the festive season with both parents, do what you can to maintain that tradition.

For example, you could still have a shared Christmas dinner. Friends and family can serve as a buffer to help you avoid awkwardness.

If this won’t do, find ways to divide the time somewhat evenly. One parent could have Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve, and the other could have it on Christmas Day.

Sit down with the kids so they know ahead of time how they will be splitting holiday time with you and your co-parent. Do what will reassure your children that they will still have two parents actively involved in their lives.

Rule #3: Be cordial

The first festive season after your separation will set the stage for what the children will expect going forward.

Put aside bad feelings towards your ex and focus on the memories your child can create with both of their parents.

You don’t have to buy your ex a gift, but common decency can help everyone enjoy the festive season. Communicate your plans. If you’re dropping the kids at the other parent’s home, take them to the door and say hello. If you do decide to exchange gifts, discuss it in advance to avoid awkward surprises.

A show of goodwill benefits your co-parenting relationship and can help your children cope with divorce.

Rule #4: Don’t compete

Co-parenting is all about working together although you’re apart. However, parents may try to get the kids to favor them.

Competition coupled with guilt may lead some to go overboard with gift-giving during the festive season. Children may come to expect this treatment every year, which may not be feasible in the long term. Plus, it may teach them that belongings are more important than time together.

Children need love and support more than any material gift. Be present with them instead of trying to outdo your ex.

Rule #5: Be patient

Adjusting to co-parenting takes time. It’s okay if your first time co-parenting during the festive season is a bit rocky.

View this first festive season as a trial run and make adjustments as needed. Address any confusion ahead of time to avoid arguments. If you’re unable to pick up the children at the time you’re scheduled to, give a heads up.

It’s important you don’t let these setbacks overshadow your time with the children. Start new traditions. Put on your silliest Christmas jumpers and take a photo. Bake cookies. Do arts and crafts. All this can be therapeutic for parents and children alike.

About Zarira Love

Zarira Love has been researching and writing articles about child custody and parenting for nearly six years. She currently resides in New York City.

Zarira is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

Divorce Law UK/Financial and Legal Advice/No Fault Divorce UK/Well-being

How to Prepare for Divorce: Steps to Take Before Filing

Published on October 17, 2024October 17, 2024

Chris Sweetman
Editor at The Divorce Magazine
Director at Fair Result

Sponsored post by Fair Result.

Divorce is an emotional and life-changing process. If you’re considering ending your marriage, knowing how to prepare before you file can make a significant difference in the outcome. With the right preparation, you can avoid common pitfalls and protect both your emotional wellbeing and financial future. Whether you’re seeking guidance on the divorce process or looking for effective divorce solutions, this guide will walk you through the essential steps to take before filing for divorce.

Step 1: Evaluate Your Reasons for Divorce

Before filing for divorce, it’s important to take the time to reflect on why you want to end the marriage. Divorce is a major decision that affects your life, your children (if you have any), and your finances. Ask yourself the following questions:

Have you considered marriage counselling or therapy?
Is this a temporary conflict or a long-term issue?
Are you financially prepared for the divorce process?

If you’ve weighed the pros and cons and feel that divorce is the right path, then it’s time to start preparing.

Step 2: Prepare Financial Documentation

One of the most important steps before filing for divorce is organising your financial records. Divorce settlements heavily rely on accurate and complete financial information. Collect the following documents:

Tax returns (last 3–5 years).
Bank statements and financial accounts (savings, checking, retirement).
Investment portfolios.
Mortgage and property information.
Pay slips and employment records.
Debts (credit cards, loans, etc.)

These documents will provide a clear picture of your financial standing, making it easier to negotiate a fair divorce settlement. If you’re looking for divorce solutions that can help you manage this process efficiently, consider reaching out to Fair Result.

Step 3: Understand and Prepare for the Divorce Process

Divorce laws and processes vary depending on your location. In the UK, you can file for divorce using one of two methods: a sole application or a joint application. It’s crucial to understand which option is best suited for your situation. Here’s a brief overview:

Sole Divorce Application: One spouse files for divorce without the other’s participation. This may occur when the divorce is contested, or the spouses are not on good terms.
Joint Divorce Application: Both spouses agree to the divorce and file together. This is often the less contentious route and can lead to a smoother and faster resolution.

Understanding which route to take will help you set realistic expectations about timelines and costs. In 2024, the average time from filing to a final divorce order for sole applications was around 49 weeks, while for joint applications, it was 43 weeks. Keep this in mind as you prepare for the process ahead.

Step 4: Plan for Your Children’s Wellbeing

If you and your spouse have children, their wellbeing must be at the forefront of your divorce preparations. The family court system prioritises the best interests of the children, and so should you. Consider the following:

Where will your children live?
How will custody and visitation be divided?
What financial support arrangements need to be made?

Make sure you understand the legal aspects of child custody, support, and visitation agreements in your area. It’s also important to keep the lines of communication open with your spouse when it comes to parenting decisions. If you’re unsure about any of these aspects, seeking advice from an experienced family law professional can help you find the right divorce solutions.

Step 5: Consider Your Living Situation

Divorce often means a significant change in living arrangements. If you’re living with your spouse, you should plan whether one of you will move out or if you will continue living together during the divorce proceedings. The decision may depend on:

Ownership or rental agreements.
Financial stability and ability to afford separate housing.
Custody arrangements for children.

In some cases, staying in the marital home during the divorce process might be necessary to ensure stability for the children or for financial reasons. However, if the environment becomes too toxic or stressful, moving out might be a better option for your mental health.

Step 6: Seek Legal Advice and Support

No matter how amicable your relationship with your spouse may seem, it is always in your best interest to prepare and consult with a family law expert before filing for divorce. Legal advice can help you avoid common pitfalls, such as agreeing to an unfair financial settlement or signing documents you don’t fully understand.

At Fair Result, we offer unique divorce solutions with fixed fees, ensuring that you won’t have to worry about escalating legal costs. Our team of divorce specialists is here to guide you through the entire process, sharing the financial risks with you. You pay nothing until your divorce is finalised, allowing you to focus on moving forward with confidence.

Step 7: Protect Your Emotional Wellbeing

Divorce is an emotional journey, and it’s easy to become overwhelmed by stress, anger, or sadness. Taking care of your mental health is just as important as the legal and financial aspects of divorce. Consider seeking emotional support from:

Therapists or counsellors
Divorce support groups
Trusted friends or family members

Maintaining a strong emotional foundation will help you stay focussed and make better decisions during the divorce process. Divorce solutions that address both the emotional and financial aspects are essential for a smoother transition.

Step 8: Budget for the Divorce Process

The financial impact of divorce can be significant, and it’s important to create a realistic budget for the process. Divorce costs can vary depending on the complexity of your case and the law firm you choose. The cost of living crisis has made many couples hesitant to move forward with divorce, but with the right legal team, you can minimise financial stress.

Fair Result offers a fixed-fee structure, meaning you won’t pay anything until your divorce settlement is finalised. This innovative approach allows you to avoid unexpected fees and prepare your finances with confidence.

Why Early Divorce Preparation Matters

Preparing for divorce before filing can save you time, money, and emotional stress. By following these steps and seeking professional guidance, you can ensure that you are prepared for the challenges ahead. Divorce solutions from trusted firms like Fair Result are designed to help you through the process with minimal disruption to your life.

Are you considering divorce?

Contact Fair Result today to learn how our expert team can assist you in navigating this difficult time. With our fixed-fee divorce solutions, you can rest assured that your financial and emotional wellbeing will be protected every step of the way.

Call: 07500933818 or 0333 577 7009

Email: peter@fair-result.co.uk or chris@fair-result.co.uk

Find out more about Fair Result.

About Chris Sweetman

Chris Sweetman is an independent family solicitor and director of Fair Result – An award-winning law office who pride themselves on using innovative ways to help clients through the stress and complications of a marriage breakdown.

Chris can be contacted on 07500933818 or via email chris@fair-result.co.uk.

Children of Divorce

Agreeing Living Arrangements for Autistic Children When Separating

Published on October 16, 2024October 14, 2024

According to statistics, there is an increased risk of separation between parents of children with autism due to the challenges posed by the condition placing an additional strain on the relationship.

Agreeing on living arrangements for autistic children when parents are separated can be a complex and challenging process. Rina Mistry, senior associate from Nelsons solicitors is outlining some of the steps and considerations that may help in such situations.

Child’s best interest

First and foremost, it is vital that the child’s well-being and best interests are prioritised over and above personal differences. Parents must consider the child’s unique needs, routines, and preferences when deciding on living arrangements. This must be made a priority; the focus is the children’s best interests and not the interests of the parents.

Open communication

Parting couples need to maintain an open, respectful, and constructive communication with the other parent. Discussing the child’s needs, strengths, challenges, and potential living arrangements should be carried out in a calm and constructive manner. This does not necessarily need to be in person, and it is now very common for parents to use court-approved apps as an effective way of co-parenting.

Parents need to acknowledge and respect the other parent’s role in their child’s life. A positive relationship between the child and both parents should also be encouraged.

Consistency and routine

Children with autism often display repetitive behaviours and interests, meaning that they benefit from having a strict routine in place. One way in which to do this would be for the parents to remain living in the family home together. However, this might not be practical in the circumstances and could certainly present difficulties.

Nesting or birdnesting is becoming increasingly popular among separating parents and can provide a short-term solution to the arrangements for the children while long-term plans are being made. The advantage of a nesting arrangement is that the children will remain in the family home (the nest), while the parents leave and return to the property sequentially.

At the very least, parents need to aim for consistency and stability in their child’s living environment and routines. This could include creating a schedule that allows the child to adapt comfortably between both parents’ homes.

Collaborative decision-making

Parents should seek to collaborate on and agree on a detailed parenting plan that includes the child’s specific needs and care requirements and the living schedule, including weekdays, weekends, holidays, and vacations.

The parenting plan should address how both parents can support the child’s therapies, schooling, medical appointments, and any other important decisions that need to be taken and agreed upon.

Flexibility and adaptability

It is important to be flexible and willing to adapt the living and contact arrangements as the child’s needs change over time. Parents are also advised to maintain a cooperative approach, allowing adjustments when necessary.

Professional input

Based upon the circumstances, advice from therapists, educators, or healthcare professionals who understand your child’s needs may need to be obtained. Their insights and recommendations can provide guidance in creating suitable living arrangements.

Documentation

Separating couples should keep records of all agreements and modifications made regarding their children’s living arrangements. Written documentation can help prevent misunderstandings and serve as a reference if conflicts arise.

Self-care

Finally, take care of yourselves as parents. Managing a child’s needs, especially one with autism, can be demanding. Ensure you have a support system and take time for self-care to manage stress effectively.

Remember, each situation is unique, and what works for one family may not work for another. Flexibility, empathy, and a child-centred approach are key in finding suitable living arrangements that meet the needs of an autistic child in a separated family.

Guidance and advice from a specialist family law solicitor can be instrumental in navigating these challenges and can ensure clarity and enforceability in the arrangements made.

About Rina Minstry

Rina qualified as a Solicitor in 2013 and joined the expert Family Law team at Nelsons in December 2020 as a Senior Associate, following its acquisition of Glynis Wright & Co.

Rina advises on a wide range of family law work, including divorce, civil partnership dissolution, finances, separation agreements, child arrangements, parental responsibility, cohabitation/living together agreements, Prohibited Steps and Specific Issues Orders, child relocation, parental alienation and domestic violence.

Children of Divorce/Family Mediation

Grandparents’ Rights: How They Can See Their Estranged Grandchildren

Published on October 11, 2024October 2, 2024

The contribution of grandparents, which is celebrated on Sunday, October 6 this year, is a reminder of the formative role they play in their grandchildren’s upbringing, wellbeing and development.

Sadly, these vital bonds can be severed if the children’s parents’ divorce or separate. Here are some questions we are often asked about grandparents’ rights.

What are grandparents’ rights?

As the law stands, grandparents have no automatic legal right to contact with their grandchildren.

What happens if the parents break up?

Grandparents involvement with their grandchildren takes on an even greater importance during divorce and separation when their homes can become a stable haven away from the stresses and strains of their parents’ break up.

The loss of such intimate connections can impact upon a child’s emotional welfare and be detrimental to their overall wellbeing.

In situations like this it is possible for grandparents to make an agreement with the children’s parents regarding contact with their grandchildren.

Arrangements can be agreed informally, or through a formal agreement drawn up by experienced family lawyers. Agreements often include when grandparents can visit their grandchildren and /or contact them by phone or email, and any other provisions they wish to make.

Is mediation an option in such cases?

Yes, family mediation offers a non-confrontational option where grandparents and parents can commit to reaching a solution in a spirit of communication and cooperation.

How does mediation work?

An experienced and impartial mediator like me would have a confidential Mediation Information Assessment Meeting (MIAM) with the grandparents.

After establishing that this option is the right way forward, the mediator meets separately with the grandchildren’s parents. Both parties then sign an ‘Agreement to Mediate,’ enabling negotiations to continue on a ‘without prejudice’ basis.

Both grandparents and parents can each appoint and retain their own solicitors who can, where appropriate, also attend the mediation discussions and consult with them outside of the meetings.

Agreed arrangements for contact with grandchildren can be compiled in an agreement signed by parents and grandparents. The process can be completed in as many or as few meetings as are required to reach agreed solutions.

What if the children’s parents refuse to mediate?

In situations where an agreement cannot be reached, grandparents can apply for permission from the court to apply for an order, known as a Child Arrangement Order from the Family Court to see their grandchildren. Experienced family lawyers can also assist and guide clients through this process.

The emotional and physical bonds between grandparents and their grandchildren are unique. Ensuring their continuity will go a long way to enhance their grandchildren’s stability and advancement in their formative years ahead.

About Nicki Mitchell

With extensive experience in family law, Nicki specialises in the financial aspects of relationship breakdown – and particularly complex cases involving family businesses, multiple properties, and complicated pension arrangements.

A skilled mediator, child inclusive mediator and collaborative family lawyer Nicki champions Alternative Dispute Resolution processes which avoid a lengthy court process and can lead much more quickly and cost effectively to a successful resolution.

Her exceptional track record also includes advising clients on the more traditional methods of resolving issues surrounding family breakdowns. Direct Dial: 01904 202553 or email Nicki.mitchell@jonesmyers.co.uk www.jonesmyers.co.uk

Suggestions

parenting plans

1. Ensure you are safe

2. Manage your emergencies

3. Consider couple counselling

4. Be kind if you can

5. Start early

6. Get support

7. Think and write

8. Find the right professional

9. Be brave …ish

10. Think kids

About James Pirrie

You might be interested in

Why a child’s needs are the paramount consideration on divorce

Factors the court will consider

Child support for children with special needs

Nesting arrangements

Planning for transition

Practical tips for separating parents of disabled children

About Sarah Whitelegge

You might be interested in

What is parental responsibility?

What is the role of a Child Arrangements Order?

What does a Child Arrangements Order mean for parental rights?

About Akwal Ryatt

You might be interested in

About Johanna Lynn

You might be interested in

Tip #1: Create a monthly budget

Tip #2: Make a plan for shared co-parenting expenses

Tip #3: Prioritise needs over wants

Tip #4: Teach your children financial responsibility

Tip #5: Seek help when needed

About Zarira Love

You might be interested in

Talking with Your Ex During the Divorce Process

Rebuilding Your Co-Parenting Dynamic for Your Child’s Sake

About Tucker Lieberman

You might be interested in

What is the process when going through an international divorce?

What is an international divorce?

What advice would you give to a parent who wants to relocate as a result of getting a divorce?

Have you experienced any cases where relocation is not possible post-divorce?

In your experience, what was it like when your ex-spouse decided to move countries? How did the dynamic change?

How do you manage the child arrangements in an international divorce?

How would you solve the issue of who is having the children and when?

You might be interested in

Conclusion

About Emma Alfieri

You might be interested in

Rule #1: Plan ahead by creating a holiday schedule

Rule #2: Stick to what the kids know

Rule #3: Be cordial

Rule #4: Don’t compete

Rule #5: Be patient

About Zarira Love

You might be interested in

Step 1: Evaluate Your Reasons for Divorce

Step 2: Prepare Financial Documentation

Step 3: Understand and Prepare for the Divorce Process

Step 4: Plan for Your Children’s Wellbeing

Step 5: Consider Your Living Situation

Step 6: Seek Legal Advice and Support

Step 7: Protect Your Emotional Wellbeing

Step 8: Budget for the Divorce Process

Why Early Divorce Preparation Matters

Are you considering divorce?

About Chris Sweetman

You might be interested in

Child’s best interest

Open communication

Consistency and routine

Collaborative decision-making

Flexibility and adaptability

Professional input

Documentation

Self-care

About Rina Minstry

You might be interested in