going through a divorce

Why Finding a Good Divorce Lawyer is Vital when Going through Divorce or Separation

Published on February 10, 2017February 10, 2017

James Brown
Host of
Divorce The Talk Show

Is it possible to have good qualities in a divorce?

The Answer is yes you can. You know how you feel when your doing things right and you get that great sensation that envelops your body your mind and your soul, sounds like great sex,.. oops. We’re not going down that road.

We understand that divorce ranks right up their next to death in the list of things that impact you, well the stress of divorce is an experience you really don’t want to have, deal with or face.

You know it’s easy to say, “I want a divorce”, but finding the right solution or making the right decision that merits fairness and equality as a result of your decision, that reality is indeed a bitter dose of, “I didn’t know it took all of this,” when you come face to face with divorce and say “I’m gonna get me a lawyer” that’s when the stuff starts to fly, the chickens are out of the coop.

I, like many of you, discovered that divorce is a transition that never stops. You are constantly in the adaptation mode every day, in every way. Sounds like a song, “Oh baby I keep going down this road never knowing when to make a turn, every day, in every way”.

The system seems to dictate that we find an attorney and I don’t know if that’s because we all foster resentment toward our spouses when divorce is at our door steps and the idea of divorce clutches our every existence.

We seem to think that the legal system offers a resolution to our marital problems and getting an attorney will finally bring a peaceful state of mind. Let me assure you getting an attorney is much like the game pick up the sticks, you know when you use one stick to remove another stick without moving the stick nestled below the stick your trying to pick up, now that was a mouth full well that’s divorce and that’s what getting a lawyer means.

We often think that a divorce attorney will articulate and or eradicate the perceived or ill perceived consequence of divorce, not necessarily true. Nothing prepares us for the staggering indignation of emotional baggage and turmoil… nothing.

But we can learn to lessen that pronounced severity by thinking quality, which is something we try to attain throughout our lives; a good quality of life, this is a proven fact to help and situate our actions for better results.

The person you enlist to help you through your adventure in the Divorce Horror Land, I use the word adventure, because it’s a trip through the divorce maze, which is much like dating and I don’t mean to insinuate that dating is a horror but in today’s climate it can be, that’s another story.

But think of divorce like this you’re constantly meeting new people telling them all about yourself and maybe it just doesn’t work out so you do it again and again and this goes on for several months and sometimes years.

I’m just saying that finding the perfect attorney the right attorney, counsellor, mediator, therapist will make the divorce process a lot more (less) challenging than the divorce it’s self.

What I am preparing you for, and that’s really what it’s all about preparing you, you’ve got to remember that getting and going through divorce is a process and finding the right piece to the process will take time but will make it all a lot easier on you and your family. It’s not as easy as 1,2,3 set me free, 1,2,3 help me to see. Just think positive when making decisions.

When looking to hire an attorney or other such experts or specialist to represent or consult you in your divorce, you should look for the following qualities and also nurture them within your self:

Ability to Communicate

Good communication with your divorce specialist is so very important. Don’t let anger or the, I’m-going-to get-even syndrome make your decisions. Effective communication of your concerns and expectations is paramount, your representative will need to clearly explain things to you regarding issues of your case and provide you with the best expectations.

It’s significant to your results that your attorney communicate with you, your spouse and your spouse’s attorney. Many issues will factor in establishing this process which will help in keeping the costs maintainable. There are other things you need your money for especially if you have children growing up, food, clothes, bills, bills bills and other deals.

You must resist combative situations. Resolution of the issues are important before you consider the legal system, but as you consider the legal system you must consider all aspects, I can’t stress, get rid of the stress. Important to your resolve, is the ability to communicate with all parties in establishing a cooperative relationship. It is important that you begin the thought process of what, happens when I am divorced, what will I do then?

What about court, in many cases court is a reality what’s important is that your representative be able to communicate your position and litigate appropriately and sometimes it can elevate costly court cost.

Skill and Experience

A good attorney can make the difference, if your a good client, because your divorce can and will touch upon sensitive aspects that will have ramification for your family, finances, retirement, career, etc.

So cover your bases be prepared make sure your team is prepared, preparation makes it work. Know that the people you select to represent you are authentic and professional make sure they are who they say they are.

Divorce is a process of blame and mis-treatment emotionally and sometimes physically this transfers into confrontational discussions which aren’t good.

Availability

There is something about hiring someone to do a job. You expect them to be at your beck and call. Well being a client of an attorney means that you are one of many so get that into your brain. Also every time you call think of a cash register. His or her time costs and you pay.

I call it pay to play divorce. When considering an attorney, look for someone who can be ready when you need them. You need someone who can respond to your inquiries in a timely manner. You want an attorney who will not put your case on the bottom of his/her client stack.

Know going in, that you have selected an attorney who has other clients; I must reiterate, “so don’t waste time, time is money”. Take advantage of his/her availability by being prepared.

Healthy Attitude

It is important that you have a healthy attitude. This will assure your attorney that you have the ability to maintain your composure which means just staying calm and maintaining focus. Many times this will give you the edge during and after divorce. Much of what we think about in divorce, is repetitious. Divorce creates an assurance of things you can’t anticipate.

Resources/Support

Divorce is not a one thing fixes all. It’s a smorgasbord of family issues and things that unwind the cord that binds the family together.

Their are so many parts and getting it right isn’t simply a document in your hand and you walk away happy ever after. It comes down to mastering all of the resources you need to keep your family whole and re-gain your balance as a family thus there are many facets to the process of expunging the ills that caused your divorce.

These symptoms are recognizable if you identify resources that can help you understand your issues.

A good attorney will have resources, it’s important that you recognize your attorney’s resources and have your own to help prepare your case in a timely manner.

I’m James Brown and this is Divorce The Talk Show, until next time Cope, Hope, and Heal.

ABOUT JAMES

James, grew up in San Francisco, and has lived in Salt Lake City, for over 25 plus, and is a second time divorcee with 4 children.

With his diverse background in television, both in front and behind the camera, Mr. Brown is the driving force behind the highly innovative production of Divorce The Talk Show; A New Beginning, a multi-platform production which is led by new media engagement using digital, mobile as well as the legacy media (television) platform to reach a growing number of people who have gone through a radical change in life via divorce.

Mr. Brown has a background that makes him unique and perfect to support effort to make change in divorce. He has been at the center of development in corporate recruiting programs including Discover Card which focused on youth and minorities; developed diverse training seminars for corporations; created programs that provided scholarships for deserving, disadvantaged students as well as building one of the finest film and television production studios (Salt Lake Studios) in the western U.S.A.

Divorce News

The Thing about Divorce Lawyers all Over

Published on November 5, 2016September 17, 2024

Is it just me or are family lawyers becoming progressively aware of the real impact they have on separating parents and their children?

I often say that family solicitors are the first emergency service when it comes to divorce and separation.

Since launching The Divorce Magazine, I have noticed how an increasing number of solicitors are submitting content that leans towards encouraging parents to think about their children as they go through the divorce process and do the right thing by them.

More recently, I have met solicitors who have taken up counselling courses with the sole purpose of acquiring softer skills which they believe will not only make them more aware of the emotions that their clients are going through, but they will also obtain knowledge and skills on how to manage and work with these powerful emotions.

When I went through my divorce, I experienced the “not-very-nice” solicitor and the “very-happy-to-recommend-anytime” solicitor.

All what the first solicitor wanted was blood and money. My wishes and wants didn’t matter so much unless they involved some sort of conflict. I can tell you, that this firm could extract and generate conflict in Utopia if necessary! They wouldn’t even need an army to do so.

After just a couple of very uncomfortable meetings with this firm, which left me feeling so emotionally, physically and mentally drained, I decided to move on.

The tactic that this new firm employed, was gentle yet firm and assertive! They never once fanned the flames of my anger and resentment. They listened as I spoke about how horrible I thought I my ex had been but focused on what was important, the divorce and my daughter.

If I suggested going down a route that was only going to cause more aggravation to the already volatile situation, they would not only discourage me from doing so, but they would come up with a different solution to the same problem that would be less confrontational.

This new movement by family lawyers towards people awareness, as slow as it is, will definitely, definitely play a role in how families living separately turn out. This then means that there will be children out there whose lives will be less affected by the outcome because their parents’ solicitor treated them more like people going through a major change in their lives than a case number that will help finance their lifestyle.

Family solicitors should be the voice of the child not in the room; the people whom, in the midst of heavy bombardment of adverse words and actions, the children can indirectly rely upon to make sure that despite their parents’ war, someone is looking out for them and wants to make sure they will continue to see both parents and that they will not be used as pawns in this life-changing game.

As Ben Lawson so aptly puts it, “For that reason, amongst others, it is incredibly important that we are able to offer honest and practical advice to clients, giving consideration not only to what our client wants, but also pointing out that what they decide will inevitably impact on their children.”

About Soila

Soila is a Parenting Therapist, accredited Triple P practitioner, Certified Trauma Specialist and trained Family Mediator. She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.

Soila is the founder of The Davis Centre and The Divorce Magazine.

Divorce and Finances/Financial and Legal Advice

They Think It’s All Over … Actually, No It Isn’t or Why you Need a Financial Order on your Divorce

Published on July 12, 2016December 13, 2017

Karen Wallace
Head of Family Department
Stafford Young Jones

The Minister says to the Groom/Bride:

N, will you take N to be your wife/husband?

Will you love her/him, comfort her/him, honour and protect her/him and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her/him as long as you both shall live? (The Marriage Service © The Archbishop’s Council 2016)

Many of us will be familiar with these words from the traditional church wedding service.

When we say “I will” in response, and then go on to make the traditional vows about having and holding, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer and so on, most people don’t realise that they are also saying, and under the Matrimonial Causes Act, if we get divorced we are obligated to continue to financially support each other and can make claims against each other for capital, income and pensions at any time until the court says those claims are dismissed.

It’s not as romantic as, ‘til death us do part, but I wonder how much grief would be saved if people understood that they are both taking on these responsibilities when those vows are made?

Those claims, for capital, income and pensions, relate to the assets that have been built up during the marriage as a result of contributions both people made to the relationship.

The courts don’t discriminate between types of contribution so a wife who has stayed home to raise the children has contributed as much as a husband who went out to work and earned the money to pay the mortgage. But what I am concerned with here are the words “until the court says those claims are dismissed.”

If you are divorcing right now you may find that there are complicated issues to resolve about finances – who is to get what out of the house, what happens about pensions, the division of a business.

If you have a lawyer advising you and you reach an agreement with your ex, it will be strongly recommended that a Financial Remedy Order (“FRO”) is drawn up. In these circumstances it will be applied for by consent, so these orders are often called “consent orders”.

If you go to court and a judge decides it all for you, you will get a FRO automatically as part of the decision process.

All FROs, made by consent or otherwise, are made by judges, so that they are binding and enforceable, meaning that if either of you try to go back on the deal, the other can go back to court and make you do what you are supposed to. They always include “dismissal clauses”, which explicitly say that neither of you can claim anything else from the other in the future.

But what if you reach agreement with your ex by some other route, such as mediation? Or what if you don’t really have any assets to divide, or you sort it all out between you and there is no hassle about anything? Surely the decree absolute will take care of it? You don’t need to go to the bother of getting a FRO then, do you?

Well yes, actually, you do. Getting your decree absolute only confirms that you are divorced. Those claims for capital, income and pensions don’t go away until a judge specifically says they do. If you marry again then you can’t make claims – but if your ex doesn’t remarry they can still claim from you at any time in the future – unless and until a judge has said they can’t.

You might think that you don’t have very much and you will probably carry on not having very much, and neither will your ex, but what happens if they fall ill or have an accident and can’t work anymore, so have even less than they do now, or you win the Lottery? Those sorts of circumstances throw a whole new light on it, and suddenly, even years later, you could find yourself facing a claim.

That’s exactly what happened in the case of Wyatt v Vince [2016] EWHC 1368 (FAM).

The case made the headlines a year or two ago when Mr Vince tried to say that Ms Wyatt wasn’t entitled to make a claim because of a 19 year delay, but the Supreme Court said that she could.

Her claim has recently been resolved by agreement and she was awarded £300,000 plus some money towards the costs of the Supreme Court hearings. The judge approving their agreement said he was satisfied that it was reasonable for Ms Wyatt to receive a modest award following the breakdown of the marriage.

I expect you are wondering why she waited so long to make her claim. Well, they married in 1981 and had one child. They separated in 1984 and divorced in 1992.

During the marriage they lived a New Age traveller lifestyle; after they separated Mr Vince continued living as a traveller for several years; Ms Wyatt also lived as a traveller with their child, and in homeless shelters and eventually in a council property. A classic case of a couple with not very much at all who probably saw no reason to go to the trouble and expense of getting a FRO.

What changed was that years later Mr Vince became a highly successful green energy tycoon worth £57m, while Ms Wyatt continued to live in her council property, suffering with various health problems.

The amount they eventually agreed she should receive was only about 0.05% of his overall wealth, and her claim was an uphill struggle; but nevertheless she still got something, over 19 years after they divorced, when it could never be said that she had made even the slightest contribution to the assets Mr Vince had built up.

And it was all because they never asked a judge to dismiss their claims against each other when they got divorced. A great opportunity for Ms Wyatt, not so much for Mr Vince who, as you might imagine, is a bit cross about it all.

So that is why lawyers recommend that you have a FRO dismissing all claims, so that you both have the certainty for the future that neither of you can bring any claims against the other in later years.

A FRO means that the agreement you have reached is binding: neither of you can go back on any deal you may have made in mediation; and neither of you can go back on a promise between the two of you to leave each other’s finances alone.

FROs are bespoke technical documents that are tailored to your individual circumstances, and usually you will need a lawyer to write it up for you. But if your circumstances change later in life and you hit a jackpot, you may find that it was a very worthwhile investment – and it really will all be over.

Moving On

Selling your House after Divorce – How to do it Quickly

Published on September 12, 2014October 29, 2018

Women and Divorce — Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

During divorce, the marital home may be put up for sale with both parties splitting the proceeds.

A quick sale that takes place before the divorce is finalized is ideal.

Our house sold a few months after we got our divorce decree and I insisted upon having our solicitors distribute the money from the sale. We had at least one meeting with them after our divorce, until the sale of the house.

Here are some easy and quick ways to increase your chances and speed of selling your house after divorce during this transition.

Select a realtor with a great track record for finding buyers for newly listed property. The average time in the UK for a house to sell is four months. In London and the South East of England, property tends to sell quicker, often under two months. It can take six months or longer in Wales, Scotland, and the Northern part of England. How fast the property sells depends upon the demand in your area. My solicitor chose our realtor due to speedy property sales with her previous family law clients. She was in a big realty company with a vast network.

Buy faucets to update your house or flat and give it a newer appearance. My friend had to sell her house soon after her divorce decree to relocate and hired a plumber to replace the faucets. She felt that these shiny new ones got her house sold in days. Getting new toilet seats, shower curtain or other small items, aids in sprucing up the property for minimal cost.

Get rid of clutter and many personal items. Have a home for incoming paper work, books, toys, and so forth so they are not scattered around. Take a large bin or laundry basket and thin out books from shelves and clothes from closets. Store boxes and bins at your parent’s house temporarily. The point is to make your home look spacious by removing a lot of your stuff. When eliminating personal photos and travel souvenirs from your place, it helps potential buyers to imagine how their own things will look in this new home.

Some people in my area hire “stagers” who come in and give suggestions on making simple changes with décor to increase the potential for sales. In one case a navy bedspread was changed for a cream one, since the former one made the bedroom seem like it had a black hole. They have suggested removing extra paintings to give a room a focal point. Stagers look at what you already own and mainly work with these pieces to help your property look more enticing.

How is the curb appeal? There is a house in my neighbourhood that has been on the market for over a year for one simple reason. The paint is peeling on the wood trim around the windows and porch area. For less than £200, it could be scraped and repainted. The yard looks unappealing with overgrown shrubs and high weeds. If a neighbour kid was paid £25 that problem could be fixed easily. Remove any dead shrubs and tidy up the flower beds for an instant transformation.

Do not only rely on your realtor. Take photos of your home and put it up on social media with your realtor’s contact information. Consider placing an ad in your local paper if your realtor is not doing that. Let everyone you come in contact with know about your property, from co-workers to your favourite barista at Costa Coffee.

Price your house realistically. Go in the medium range for a faster sale. Our realtor wanted way too low and I said “Let’s give it two weeks at this higher price” and it sold for above my suggested one. We had to have an almost immediate sale in my acrimonious divorce. My ex would only stay in collaborative if he could move back into this empty house with me paying half of the mortgage if it did not sell within three months. The realtor and I were afraid that my ex would sabotage the selling of the house once he moved back in. Even my ex’s own solicitor was giving me advice how to get a quick sale, including burying a statue of St. Joseph on the property. St. Paul’s Bookstore on Cookridge Street in Leeds, sells “St. Joseph Home Sellers Kit” with precise instructions on how to “evoke the help of St. Joseph” in quickly selling your house. Good luck!

These strategies also work well if you have to sell a parent’s house so that they can go into assisted living or when downsizing with an Empty Nest.

My friends and family were lighting candles in church for a quick sale. Remember to celebrate when your house sells and you divide the money.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Because so much is riding on your divorce

going through a divorce