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Stop Demonizing Divorce. Start Supporting the People Going Through It.
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Stop Demonizing Divorce. Start Supporting the People Going Through It.

Published on
Natasha Bacca
Natasha Bacca
Divorce Doula, Mediator & Writer

It’s time we stopped confusing preserving marriages with protecting families—and replaced judgment with compassion.

There are few major life transitions we still expect people to endure with as much shame as divorce.

When someone is diagnosed with a serious illness, we rally around them. When someone loses a loved one, we bring food, send flowers, check in, and make room for grief.

But when a marriage ends?

People often disappear.

Friends don’t know what to say. Families quietly take sides. Communities that once offered belonging can become sources of judgment. The person going through the divorce may feel pressure to explain what happened, defend why they are leaving, prove they tried hard enough— or remain silent altogether.

Divorce is still too often framed as a personal failure. A broken promise. A selfish choice. Evidence that someone didn’t try hard enough to save their family.

And that framing does real harm.

Because divorce is rarely a simple choice between staying married and walking away.

Sometimes a marriage ends because of betrayal, addiction, abuse, coercion, chronic conflict, or years of emotional harm. Sometimes one person wants the divorce and the other is devastated by it.

Sometimes two people love each other and still cannot create a healthy life together. Sometimes people spend years trying to repair a relationship before finally acknowledging that staying is costing them too much.

And sometimes ending a marriage is not the destruction of a family. Sometimes it is the beginning of making that family safer.

Whatever brought someone to divorce, they are already facing one of the most significant transitions of their lives. What they need from the people around them is not another layer of judgment.

They need compassion.

The Cost of Stigma

Divorce stigma doesn’t simply hurt people’s feelings. It can influence the decisions they make long before anyone files paperwork.

When people believe ending a marriage makes them a failure, they may stay silent longer. They may minimize what is happening inside their homes. They may hesitate to ask for help or tell the truth about their relationships.

They may remain in harmful dynamics because leaving feels morally worse than suffering. For parents, the pressure can be even greater.

Stay for the kids.

Keep the family together.

Don’t be the one who breaks up the home.

But preserving a marriage and preserving a healthy family are not always the same thing.

By the time some couples finally separate, years of damage have accumulated. Resentment has deepened. Communication has deteriorated. Finances may be strained. Children may have spent years absorbing tension between their parents.

The divorce didn’t necessarily create all of that.

It may simply have revealed what was already there.

Stigma does not necessarily prevent divorce. Sometimes it simply delays support until families are already in crisis.

This Is Not a Fringe Experience

Nearly one-third of American children experience parental divorce before reaching adulthood, according to a 2025 study using linked tax and Census records for more than five million children.

Think about the scale of that for a moment.

This is not a rare family aberration. It is a major childhood and family transition experienced by millions of people—and one that deserves far more thoughtful support than our culture currently provides.

Yet we continue to treat divorce as something families should whisper about. Something parents should apologize for.

Something children should be protected from discussing.

Something adults should have to justify before receiving compassion.

When an experience touches this many families, shame is not a solution.

Support is.

What We Get Wrong About Children and Divorce

Divorce can be hard on children. We should acknowledge that plainly.

It can bring enormous changes: two homes, altered routines, financial stress, grief, uncertainty, and less access to one or both parents.

But “divorce can hurt children” is not the same thing as “parents should stay married for their children.”

Research tells a much more complicated story. A 2022 review of the literature on children’s adjustment to divorce found that the family environment before and after divorce—particularly the level of interparental conflict—plays a crucial role in how children fare.

In other words, the legal end of the marriage is only one part of the story.

The environment children are living in matters enormously.

Decades of research have also linked interparental conflict with emotional and behavioral difficulties in children, and those associations exist in both married and divorced families.

A marriage can remain legally intact while a family is emotionally falling apart.

Children can live with married parents and still grow up surrounded by hostility, contempt, fear, volatility, silence, or chronic tension. They can learn that love means enduring disrespect. They can learn that keeping a family together matters more than the wellbeing of the people inside it.

Those lessons matter, too.

The marriage certificate itself is not what makes a home safe.

So perhaps the question should not simply be, Is divorce bad for children?

A better question is:

What environment gives these particular children the greatest opportunity to feel safe, loved, connected, and emotionally secure?

Sometimes the answer will be helping parents repair their marriage. Sometimes it will be helping them separate well.

Either way, shame should not be making the decision.

Divorce Is a Life Transition, Not a Moral Diagnosis

There is something else we rarely acknowledge: for some people, divorce is not the beginning of their suffering.

It is the end of it.

That does not mean divorce is painless.

Relief and grief can exist at the same time. A person can know that ending a marriage was necessary and still mourn the family they hoped they would have. They can feel freer and terrified. Heartbroken and hopeful. Certain and devastated.

Divorce can affect housing, finances, parenting, identity, friendships, traditions, community, and a person’s understanding of their own future—sometimes all at once.

Research on marital dissolution and health reflects that complexity. Divorce can be a significant stressor associated with poorer health outcomes for some people, while research also finds that resilience is the most common trajectory following marital separation.

Both things can be true.

Divorce can be deeply destabilizing, and people can rebuild lives of health, connection, and meaning afterward.

And yet we often expect people going through divorce to function as though they are simply completing a legal transaction.

They may be asked to make enormous financial decisions, navigate an unfamiliar legal system, figure out where they will live, protect their children, negotiate parenting arrangements, grieve their marriage, keep working, keep parenting—and somehow remain perfectly calm and rational through all of it.

Then we judge them when they struggle.

What if we treated divorce not as evidence of someone’s moral failure, but as a major human transition deserving meaningful support?

Supporting Divorce Does Not Mean Promoting It

This is where conversations about divorce often become unnecessarily polarized. If we stop demonizing divorce, some people fear we are somehow encouraging it.

But supporting people through divorce doesn’t promote divorce any more than caring for someone with cancer promotes cancer.

We can value marriage and still acknowledge that not every marriage should continue.

We can believe relationships deserve effort while recognizing that effort has limits.

We can encourage repair without demanding endurance.

And we can support someone whose marriage is ending without requiring every private detail before deciding whether they deserve our compassion.

The goal is not more divorce.

The goal is less unnecessary suffering.

What Real Support Looks Like

So what would it look like to respond differently? We could start by breaking the silence.

Many people say nothing because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing. But silence can feel remarkably similar to abandonment when someone’s entire life is changing.

I’m thinking about you.

I’m here.

What would feel supportive right now?

Those words matter.
We could resist the urge to immediately judge, diagnose, interrogate, or assign blame.

We could become more curious and less certain that we understand someone else’s marriage from the outside.

What appears sudden may have been unfolding privately for years. The person who files for divorce may not be the person who ended the marriage in every meaningful sense. There may be grief, betrayal, relief, love, fear, responsibility, and hope tangled together in ways outsiders will never fully understand.

And perhaps most importantly, we could stop requiring people to prove that their marriage was terrible enough to justify leaving it.

There does not have to be a villain in every divorce.

Sometimes a relationship has simply reached its end.

Sometimes staying requires one person to disappear inside it.

Sometimes leaving is the most honest thing someone has done in years.

Whatever the circumstances, someone facing the loss of their marriage should not have to earn basic human compassion.

We Need a Better Story About Divorce

Divorce reshapes households, friendships, finances, workplaces, schools, and communities.

It is not a private aberration happening to a small group of people who somehow failed at marriage.

It is part of the landscape of human relationships.

That does not mean we should celebrate every divorce or pretend separation carries no consequences.

It means we should become mature enough to hold multiple truths at once. Divorce can be deeply painful.

Divorce can affect children.

Marriage can be worth fighting for.

And ending a marriage can sometimes be the healthiest choice available.

We can value marriage without treating divorce as a moral failure. We can acknowledge that divorce can be painful for children without assuming that an intact marriage is always the healthiest home. We can believe relationships deserve effort without believing people must suffer indefinitely to prove they tried hard enough.

The goal shouldn’t be keeping every marriage intact. The goal should be protecting the wellbeing of the people inside our families.

Sometimes that means helping a marriage heal.

Sometimes it means helping a family survive the end of one. Either way, what people need from us isn’t judgment.

It’s compassion.

About Natasha Bacca

Natasha Bacca is a divorce doula, high-conflict divorce coach, mediator, educator, and author who supports people navigating divorce, co-parenting, and major life transitions. Her work centers on helping people move through divorce with greater clarity, dignity, and support—and build meaningful lives on the other side. Learn more at NatashaBacca.com.

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Picking Through the Wreckage of Loss
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Picking Through the Wreckage of Loss

Published on
Jimi Odell
Jimi Odell
Content Manager
OnePlusOne

Every divorce brings loss, whatever else comes with it. You might feel angry, sad, relieved, or some combination of all three, but one thing that remains consistent is that something important has ended. A life you once built and nurtured has been demolished, and you are left to pick through the wreckage.

Understanding loss, and why it shows up the way it does, can help you make sense of it all as you find your way through to a clear patch of land where you can start to rebuild.

Why Loss Feels Different For Everyone

How you experience loss will come down to who ended the relationship (Boelen & Reijntjes, 2009). If it was your decision, you’ve probably had a head start – you may have been thinking about things for years before the actual split (Bevvino & Sharkin, 2003). This process often starts with a realisation that things aren’t quite right, and that you need to make a change. In the lead up to the separation, you’ll have had time to prepare emotionally and to think about what the future will look like. When the demolition comes, you might even be able to look on it as a positive step towards rebuilding.

If your ex made the decision, it’s a very different experience. One day you’re married, the next day your life comes crashing down around you. With no time to prepare, it can feel like a total loss of control. You will need to process the initial shock before you can even begin to think about what’s been lost.

Neither position is easy. The initiator often carries a burden of guilt at having ended things. The person left behind carries shock and a sense of helplessness. Whichever side you’re on, it’s helpful to be able to pinpoint your location amongst the rubble of your old life. 

What Divorce Actually Takes Away

It’s not just the relationship itself that you lose. Recognising that divorce can take other things with it will help you make sense of what you’re feeling.

A sense of who you are

Being married can become part of your identity. You may think of yourself as being part of a couple, or a member of a family that you have created. Losing that role can take away a big part of who you are, and a sense of security that you’ve held for a long time.

Your social circle

Friendships you’ve developed as a couple may not always survive the split. Some friends may drift towards your ex, some may drift off your radar altogether. A separation can disrupt your whole social circle and you may need to figure out who your people are now that you are no longer married.

The practical things

Moving house, separating your finances, and working out new routines with your children are all big life changes that hit you when you’re already feeling vulnerable. Sometimes grief lands in unexpected moments, like picking up the keys for a new house or cooking dinner for one.

Loss can even change your sense of the past, as once-happy memories turn sour, and old family photos become tinged with regret.

Three Ways To Clear Away The Mess

Grief is complicated. You can’t simply step out of it, but there are things you can do to stay on your feet as you work your way through it.

Look for the happy moments

When we are lost in negativity it can be hard to believe happiness is possible. Grab a notebook and write down how you’re feeling each day, noting the positives as well as the negatives. A mood journal can help you recognise that there are glimmers of hope, and things in life to be grateful for – even if it’s as simple as a sunny day, or a friend who cares about you. You might just start to see a clear horizon, even if you can’t quite get to it yet.

Look after yourself

Try to stay healthy and notice what happens. Eat foods you know are good for you, take rest when you get the chance, and resist the urge to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol. You can’t take the pain of loss away, but you can choose not to feed it.

Call for help

Stay connected to the family and friends who have supported you. Call out to the people you know you can rely on, and let them know what you need. If you have friends who have been through a separation, talk to them. Ask them how they got through it. 

If you’d prefer to confide in someone neutral, you may find it helpful to speak to a therapist or counsellor, or even just to share your story through an online forum.

Making Your Way to Clear Ground

As you pick through the detritus of your loss, you can start to become more self-reliant and more secure, finding ways to live with the change. Once you accept that things are different, you can let go of the desire to put things back how they once were, and instead move forward.

Think about what you want from the future. What sort of relationship do you hope to have with your children? How will you communicate with your co-parent? What would make your life feel more manageable?

Loss is messy and difficult, but it’s also an opportunity to rebuild. Could you use this time in your life to do something you’ve been putting off – learn a new skill, reconnect with an old friend, or finally get that tattoo? Things haven’t worked out the way you were expecting. OK. So what’s next?

Read more articles by Jimi Odell.

About Jimi Odell

Jimi Odell is a writer who has specialised in parenting and relationships for over 15 years. He has worked with the charity OnePlusOne since 2014, creating evidence-based support and interventions to help people get on better. He is one of the creators behind Getting on Better, a package of digital resources that uses Behaviour Modelling Training and other techniques to help co-parents learn conflict resolution and positive communication skills.

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Managing Grief and Loss and Emotional Recovery
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Managing Grief and Loss and Emotional Recovery

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Noel McDermott
Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

Humans are attachment making animals, we form loving bonds with each other that have deep consequences for us. They shape us literally at the biological level. The hormones involved in feelings of love and happiness with each other encourage myelination in the brains, whereby physical structures are formed in the brain. We use the term ‘personality’ as a shorthand for the sum total of these interactions. When a baby is born these loving interactions form the basis of brain health and personality health. Neglected babies have literal holes in the frontal lobes where brain matter is lost. Without this frontal lobe development, the capacity to think, regulate etc are severely compromised. This process is lifelong and crucially our attachments form the basis of our ability to regulate, think, operate in the complex social web of life. The longer we have had a relationship the deeper the impact is on personality and functioning. Although this is about loving relationships myelination also happens with stress-fear based relationships and what follows about loss is equally true.

Loss in this view then, is loss of self as represented in the real, social world. It is the loss of the ongoing capacity to regulate, make sense and meaning of reality, to frame experience in a way that makes it safe (predictable, as in better the devil you know in stress based intimate relationships.) This loss of meaning is frightening and we can’t turn to the person we have lost to help us regulate that fear. For these reasons we can feel the loss of a partner in divorce for example in a complex and confusing manner, particularly if we wanted the divorce, because why would we grieve ending a relationship we didn’t want anymore?

Understanding that loss and grief is our brain and personality trying to heal from a type of injury can help us make sense of this. The brain, our personality or self is primarily a social or environmental phenomena from this view. Loss is an injury to its wellbeing, to its health. So, we need to focus on that in healing that injury.

Loss of a partner to divorce is no different to any other loss and the social framing of it shouldn’t get in the way of the deeper level of understanding. So what helps?

  • Develop meaning in the world again. Much spiritual and or religious practice is based on meaning making so you may find comfort in that. If you are secular, think of helping others. As social animals any activity we engage with that helps the ‘herd’ helps us. There is always someone worse of then oneself and helping them will A) help them and make the world a better place and B) help us to get a sense of perspective and feel connected to something other than our own suffering

  • Increase contact with loving network and fill that hole in the brain with others to help us regulate

  • Stay away from alcohol and drugs. Temporary relief from these chemicals which can and do hijack neurological pathways is too dangerous at times of distress. Emotional distress is a sign you need a hug not a glass of wine

  • You have had a major injury, what would you do with any recovery from a major injury? Correct: rest, slow down, seek help, eat well, hydrate, sleep, show compassion to yourself

  • Normalise your reactions. There is nothing wrong because you are healing from a psychological injury. It is to be expected. Not being able to feel loss and grief (the signs you are healing) would be more worrying. It’s okay to not be okay

It’s worth reflecting upon the healing impact of nature during times of loss. Its impact is so strong that it’s worth developing it as a unique strand of your recovery. Nature has an impact on our brains similar to mindful meditation, which is well researched to help our bodies and brains heal. Nature increases our sense of connection to each other and our feeling of wellbeing. Nature in this context does not mean out in the wilds, it can be that, but equally can be your local park or indeed a bit of gardening. It is well researched for example that putting a park in an urban area reduces violent crime in that area by up to 20%. This is due to the sense of connection and wellbeing fostered. Therapeutic horticulture (gardening) is also well researched in psychological recovery. The impact of nature is so strong that simply taking time to pass attention to a tree at your bus stop on the way to work will produce a noticeable effect. So go hug a tree and say thanks!

Finally, it’s always a good idea to check in with a mental health professional or your GP if you are worried about how you are coping. If you have a history of psychological distress, you may well need extra help such as anti-depressants. Mostly you will be met with empathy and emotional support from the professionals who can reassure you nothing is wrong, but you never know, so it’s always good to check.

Read more articles by Noel McDermott.

About Noel McDermott

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

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Divorce Exposed My Coping Mechanisms

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Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

Divorce didn’t just break my heart. It exposed the ways I’d learned to survive when life fell apart.

Not straight away. In the beginning I was just getting through the days, doing what I needed to do to survive the shock of it all. But over time, when things quietened down a little, I started to see myself more clearly. The patterns underneath. The ways I was trying to manage something that felt unbearable.

One of the first things I saw was how quickly I turned on myself. I told myself stories about not being able to love properly, not being worth fighting for, not being able to succeed at family life. Not being lovable.

There was also a lot of denial. I didn’t want to look too closely at certain things. At one point I couldn’t fully take in that my ex husband was seeing someone almost immediately after we separated. That truth felt too sharp, too destabilising, so I softened it, told myself versions of events that hurt less to manage the pain.

I can see now that all of that was just me trying to cope with a devastating experience. I was trying to deal with something I didn’t have the capacity to feel all at once.

Alcohol was in the mix too. Nothing dramatic, just a way of taking the edge off at the end of a long week alone without my kids. It was a distraction from the emotional intensity I didn’t know how to sit with.

And then there was the pull towards a new relationship. The urge to not be alone. Not because I was ready to give myself to someone, but because loneliness after a long relationship can feel like physical pain. It creates a sense that something needs to be fixed immediately.

It took me years to understand that these were my coping strategies. At the time they just felt like survival. I didn’t have language for it then. I was just moving through it the best way I knew how.

It was only later, when things had settled a bit, that I could start to see the pattern clearly. And even then I didn’t rush the process of working through it. Some of it was too painful to look at head on, so I went slowly. Carefully. A bit at a time.

When you feel ready enough to look at your own coping mechanisms, you also start to see what you’ve been avoiding. For me, that was grief.

The actual grief of the marriage ending, of the future I thought I was going to have disappearing, of the parts of myself that had gotten lost and of the things that hadn’t turned out the way I wanted them to. Both during my marriage and in the rebuilding process after divorce.

I had spent a long time staying busy, staying distracted, staying in stories that made it easier to tolerate. But underneath that there was a lot of feeling I hadn’t really touched.

Eventually, I started to get curious instead of avoidant. I started to notice how quickly I reached for something to numb or escape discomfort.

I started to see how much energy went into not feeling what was actually there. And I started to understand that I couldn’t think my way out of it. I had to actually sit with it. Let it move through.

That’s where things started to change for the better. Slowly and steadily, I began to rebuild trust in myself. In my ability to stay with myself even when things felt overwhelming. Even when I was struggling and didn’t like what I was feeling.

I started to let go of some of the coping strategies that had helped me survive but weren’t helping me anymore, and I began building new ones. Ways of being with myself that didn’t rely on escape or numbing or rewriting reality to make it easier to tolerate.

Over time, that created space. Space for different thoughts and choices about where my life was heading. Some of them really surprised me, they weren’t what I thought I wanted when I was acting from avoidance and survival.

This is what divorce does. It exposes you. It shows you what you’ve been leaning on. It shows you how you’ve been getting through. And then, if you’re willing to look at it, it gives you the chance to start again from somewhere more honest.

Healing from divorce doesn’t unfold in a way that makes sense while you’re in it, but over time it becomes something else. A slow stripping back of old patterns. A slow return to yourself.

And even with all of the difficulty that comes with it, it’s a much more peaceful place to be.

Because once you can see the ways you’ve been coping, you no longer have to be ruled by them. You can stop running from your pain and begin sitting with it instead.

It’s not easy. In many ways, it’s harder. But it’s also where real healing begins. And while it may not lead to a perfect life, it leads to a more honest one. One with more peace, more choice, and a deeper connection to yourself.

Read more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

I’m Carol Madden, a Post-Divorce Life Coach working with women around the world from my online practice.

I work with women who have been divorced for two years or more and thought they’d feel better by now. They’re functioning and getting on with life, but still struggling to let go, heal and move forward in their new post-divorce lives.

I’ve been through divorce myself, and that experience led me to this work. I know what it’s like to look fine on the outside while still carrying grief, guilt, confusion and all the unanswered questions underneath, even several years later.

I also know what it takes to come out the other side and build a life that feels good again.

I help women get to the heart of what’s holding them back, stop looking backwards and find the strength to move forward, even when it feels hard.

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When “We” Becomes “Me”: Finding Yourself Again After Divorce

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Sarah-Jayne Covell
Sarah-Jayne Covell
Integrative Psychotherapist & Founder of Anchoring Therapy

The hardest part of my divorce wasn’t leaving.

It was the six years before that, the years spent trying to keep a family together while quietly knowing something had already broken.

Divorce rarely begins the day you separate. More often, it begins long before anyone else can see it.

For me, the beginning of the end came with betrayal.

My husband had an affair with our au-pair. Like many people in that situation, I stayed. Not because I thought it was acceptable, but because life was complicated and there were children involved. I told myself that families work through things. I told myself that stability mattered more than anything else.

So I carried on.

I kept the house running, the routines intact, the birthday parties sorted, and the school uniforms washed. If you had looked at our family from the outside, you might have thought everything was perfectly normal.

Inside, though, something had shifted.

I stayed for another six years.

In an unexpected twist, the au-pair later married my husband’s brother. You might think that would have closed the chapter, but life rarely ties things up so neatly. Eventually, the affair resurfaced again, and that was the moment I knew the marriage had reached its full stop.

Not a comma.

A full stop.

But leaving the marriage was only the beginning of a much longer emotional journey.

The Hidden Work of Divorce

One of the hardest parts of divorce isn’t the legal process, the paperwork, or even the separation itself.

It’s the emotional labour of continuing to function.

Many parents know this feeling well: you are breaking inside, but the school run still has to happen. Packed lunches still need making. Homework still needs supervising. Life carries on for the children, even when everything feels uncertain for you.

I remember one evening after a tough day, sitting with my daughters on their bedroom floor, folding laundry. I could tell they sensed something was wrong, so I made space for them to talk. We shared stories about our day, and I reassured them that even though things were changing, they were loved and safe, and none of it was their fault. Sometimes, it was just listening to their worries before bed or holding them a little longer on these nights. These small moments reminded me how important it was to offer stability in little ways, even when I felt unsteady myself.

So you put the mask on.

You keep things steady for them while quietly navigating your own grief, confusion, anger, and fear. From the outside, it may look like resilience, but often it is simply survival.

The strange thing about survival is that while you are busy holding everything together for everyone else, you slowly discover you are stronger than you ever realised.

And that is often where the rebuilding quietly begins.

The People Who Hold You Up

During my divorce, one person kept turning up.

A good friend would pop in regularly, checking in, offering conversation, and often cooking dinner for the children and me when life felt overwhelming. At the time, I saw it purely as friendship. He was simply someone kind who showed up when things were difficult.

Then one day, he stopped visiting for a while.

After a couple of months, the children began asking a very practical question:

“Why isn’t he cooking for us anymore?”

It was such a simple observation, but it made me pause. Somewhere along the way, this quiet support had become part of our lives without me even noticing.

It wasn’t until another friend laughed and said, “You do realise he wants to take you out?” that, started me to see things differently.

By then, I had already made a decision: I would never let another man into my life again. Divorce can do that. It can make you build walls where doors once were.

But life has a way of surprising us.

The friend who kept quietly showing up eventually became much more than that. The man I once saw as just support later became my husband. At a time when I thought I would never trust another relationship again, I found that sometimes the people who stand by you in your hardest moments are the ones who truly see you. But opening my heart again wasn’t instant or easy. It took time and patience to realise my fears were slowly softening, and that the kindness and consistency I felt with him helped me believe love could feel safe again. What told me I was ready wasn’t the absence of doubt, but a growing sense of peace when he was around, and the understanding that being loved didn’t mean losing myself. I could be myself! Trust rebuilt itself quietly, one small step at a time.

You can always make a U-turn on any path.

The Long Road of Family Relationships

Another long road was the relationship between my children and their father.

For nearly ten years, he did not see them. It would have been easy to close that door completely, but I believed that, where possible, children benefit from knowing where they come from. So I continued encouraging contact. That did not mean forcing a relationship or exposing the children to disappointment, but rather, leaving the door open with gentle reminders and invitations. Sometimes that meant sending photos or updates on milestones; other times, it was simply reassuring the girls that they could ask questions or reach out when they felt ready. Respecting their boundaries was crucial, as was protecting them from feeling rejected when efforts were not reciprocated. Over the years, I learned that the healthiest co-parenting did not mean constant contact or pretending everything was normal, but instead finding small ways to support curiosity, honesty, and gradual reconnection when both sides were willing. My advice is to trust your instincts, maintain clear boundaries, and focus on what feels safest for your children, even if the path unfolds slowly.

Over time, they slowly rebuilt a relationship with him. It may not look like the traditional father–daughter bond people imagine, but it exists, and that matters.

Divorce often reshapes families in ways we never expected. Relationships can become complicated, uneven, and sometimes fragile. But with patience and persistence, new versions of those relationships can sometimes grow.

What Divorce Taught Me

Looking back now, I can see that divorce didn’t simply end a relationship; it reshaped my identity.

When you’ve been part of a couple for many years, it’s easy to forget the parts of yourself that existed before the relationship. Divorce, though painful, can sometimes help you rediscover those forgotten parts.

For me, it meant returning to university as a mature student. What began almost like picking up an old hobby, something I had once been interested in but had quietly set aside during married life, gradually became something much more meaningful.

As I studied and reflected on my own experiences, I realised I wanted to help others navigate the same difficult terrain.

Divorce can feel like the end of everything you thought your life would be. But sometimes it also opens space for something unexpected: a chance to rediscover who you are and what really matters to you.

That journey eventually inspired me to write about identity during divorce, moving through and coming out the other side.

Although divorce may mark the end of “we”, it can also be the beginning of something equally important:

A return to yourself.

Divorce can feel like being thrown into rough water, leaving you disoriented, exhausted, and unsure where the shore is.

But eventually the waves begin to settle.

And when they do, you may realise that the strength you needed was there all along, quietly anchoring you until the tide turned.

And perhaps the quietest success of all is this: despite everything, my children grew up knowing they were loved, protected, and never responsible for the storm around them.

About Sarah-Jane Covell

Sarah-Jane Covell is an integrative psychotherapist based in North Yorkshire. She works with individuals and couples navigating life transitions, relationships and divorce. She is the author of When We Becomes Me: A Psychotherapist’s Guide to the Beginning, the Messy Middle, and the Other Side of Divorce. Feature: The Daily Wellness “Quiet Rebuilding Work” and  Counselling Directory “Divorce and the loss of identity”

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See your GP, visit A&E or call NHS Direct on 111

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When We Becomes Me: A Psychotherapist’s Guide to the Beginning, the
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Cafcass Anxiety: Why It Feels So Intense – and How to Stay Grounded

Published on
Gergely Fried
Gergely Fried
McKenzie Friend and Founder of Everyman Justice

Sponsored post by Everyman Justice.

A parent once told me he knew the moment his anxiety began.

It was not during a hearing. It was not during a confrontation.

It was when he opened the safeguarding letter and began reading the summary of his former partner’s interview.

Allegations were described in language that felt stark and absolute. Events he remembered differently were presented in structured paragraphs. His heart rate rose almost immediately. He stopped reading halfway through, convinced the outcome had already been decided.

His solicitor was unavailable for several days. During that waiting period, his mind filled the silence. Each day the anxiety intensified. He replayed memories, rehearsed responses, imagined conclusions. By the time professional reassurance arrived, he had already lived through multiple imagined catastrophes.

This reaction is more common than many realise.

Why It Doesn’t Feel Like “Just a Report”

In England and Wales, Cafcass plays a structured role in private law children proceedings. Officers speak with parents, carry out safeguarding checks, and in many cases provide analysis and recommendations to the court.

Judges make final decisions. But when parents receive a safeguarding letter or prepare for a Cafcass conversation, it rarely feels procedural. It feels personal.

The language used in reports is formal and precise. Summaries of what each parent has said appear alongside structured analysis. For someone reading about themselves particularly where allegations are disputed the experience can feel confronting.

Under stress, the brain’s threat response activates. Calm reasoning narrows. Physical reactions are common: raised heart rate, shallow breathing, sleeplessness. None of this means a parent is irrational. It means the situation feels consequential.

What Is Often Misunderstood

Much anxiety grows not from the existence of the report, but from misunderstanding its structure.

The section summarising what each parent has said is not, in itself, a finding. It records positions. The professional analysis and recommendations appear separately. When parents read the document as though every paragraph represents agreement or endorsement, panic escalates unnecessarily.

Similarly, in conversations, many parents instinctively focus on detailing what the other parent has done wrong. They feel compelled to correct the record comprehensively. Yet extended focus on the other party can unintentionally create the impression of unresolved anger or emotional escalation.

In safeguarding assessments, the emphasis is usually narrower: risk, welfare, stability, and each parent’s capacity to support the child’s relationship with the other parent where safe to do so.

“Child-focused” is a phrase frequently used, but often misunderstood. It is not a slogan. It is demonstrated through tone, proportion, and orientation. A future-focused response, an ability to reflect, and an acknowledgement of the child’s need for emotional safety often communicate more than forceful rebuttal.

Parents sometimes fear that acknowledging imperfection or reflecting on past mistakes weakens their position. In practice, measured self-reflection can demonstrate insight and emotional stability — qualities that are often seen as protective rather than risky.

The Quiet Dilemma of Trust

When reading allegations that feel inaccurate, or waiting days for clarification, it is natural for trust to feel fragile.

Some parents begin to view every question as a potential trap. Others rehearse answers repeatedly, afraid of saying the “wrong” thing. Anxiety narrows attention and magnifies uncertainty.

Yet conversations tend to unfold more constructively when approached with steadiness rather than defensiveness. Clarifying a question, pausing to think, or redirecting focus back to the child’s needs are not signs of weakness. They are signs of regulation.

The Wider Structure

Cafcass officers operate in a role that carries responsibility. Their assessments may influence arrangements affecting a child’s daily life. That responsibility requires structured analysis and professional distance.

Public reporting has noted increasing caseload pressures within parts of the family justice system. Delay and backlog can add to the strain felt by families awaiting clarity. The pressure is not only numerical; it is inherent in the nature of safeguarding work itself.

Behind Cafcass sits the court. Judges and magistrates carry the final decision-making responsibility. Cafcass recommendations inform the process but do not determine outcomes independently. The court must consider all evidence and apply the welfare checklist in reaching its judgement.

Understanding this layered structure can reduce the sense that a single report or conversation alone decides everything.

The Quietest Anxiety: Children

Amid adult stress, it is easy to overlook children’s internal experience.

Children often sense when discussions are occurring about them. When spoken to directly, they may carry their own unspoken tension: not wanting to disappoint either parent, unsure how their words might be interpreted.

They are rarely thinking in legal terms. They are thinking relationally.

When adults reduce visible hostility and speak respectfully about one another, children experience greater emotional safety. That safety allows them to express themselves more freely.

In many situations, the calmest adult becomes the emotional anchor.

Staying Grounded

When anxiety rises after reading a safeguarding letter or before a Cafcass call, narrowing your focus can help.

Before responding to anything in writing, pause and separate three things on paper: what has been alleged, what the professional analysis actually says, and what directly affects your child’s current welfare. This prevents reactive responses to language that feels confronting but may not represent a conclusion.

Before a Cafcass conversation, it can help to write down just three short points: what is currently working well for your child, what your main concern is, and what outcome would feel safe and stable. Keeping those anchors visible can prevent drifting into historical conflict.

If you find yourself going blank during a call, it is entirely acceptable to say, “I need a moment to think about that.” Silence is not a failure. Calm pauses often communicate steadiness.

And if anxiety spikes after the conversation, remember that safeguarding processes are layered. One exchange rarely defines an entire case. Structured review and follow-up exist within the system.

Emotional regulation is not about suppressing concern. It is about preventing fear from speaking louder than your genuine focus on your child.

Read more from Gergely Fried

About Gergely Fried

Gergely Fried is a McKenzie Friend, author, and the founder of Everyman Justice. With a background in education and business, and personal experience of child arrangements proceedings, he supports parents navigating the UK family court system with calm, practical guidance and emotional insight. His work focuses on clarity, emotional understanding, and reducing unnecessary conflict, always with the child’s wellbeing at the centre.

His book, Conflict by Design, guides parents step by step through child arrangements proceedings using a realistic case narrative, explaining what to expect in clear, accessible language rather than legal or academic jargon.

Everyman Justice: https://everymanjustice.co.uk/
Support & Help: https://everymanjustice.co.uk/support-and-help/

 

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Neurodivergency – What Is It? And Does it Affect Divorce?

Published on
Sarah Barr-Young
Sarah Barr-Young
Head of Financial Remedies Department
Jones Myers, Harrogate

Sponsored post by Jones Myers.

Over 15 per cent of the UK population – which equates to one in seven people – are neurodivergent, which means their brains work in different ways.

Neurodivergency is not a medical condition or a disorder, but a term to describe differences in how the brain is wired. Neurodivergent people have alternative thinking styles which include dyslexia, developmental co-ordination disorder (dyspraxia), dyscalculia (which affects mathematical skills) , autism, Tourette’s and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

How does neurodivergency affect relationship breakdown?

Divorce and separation is emotionally difficult for any separating couple. For neurodivergent people, who see the world differently, the challenges are even harder to navigate. Their different communication styles can lead to misunderstandings in communication, triggering higher levels of anxiety, rejection and depression.

Many tend to feel paralysed and overwhelmed at the prospect of dealing with the unknown and working with strangers – whether they be family lawyers, mediators or counsellors -through the divorce process.

Which specific areas of divorce do neurodivergent people find particularly difficult? 

Many struggle with working through the process of financial disclosure, which requires a complete and accurate account of their financial situation including assets, income and debts.

Concerns separating couples face over finances and living accommodation after a break up can be particularly acute for neurodivergent people, especially parents who are worried how divorce will affect their relationship with their children.

How does divorce impact on neurodivergent children?

Children of all ages are susceptible to the anxieties of divorce and separation which can be made worse by events such as birthdays, school holidays, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day.

For neurodivergent children, the turmoil of disruptive daily patterns and splitting their time between two households can heighten a sense of insecurity and result in withdrawal.

What do family lawyers need to do differently to help neurodivergent clients?

It is a given that family lawyers have a duty to understand their clients’ needs in every aspect of family law. When guiding and advising neurodivergent clients it is vital that family lawyers can establish whether a client is neurodivergent.

Understanding the complexities, nuances and triggers associated with neurodivergency is essential to effective communication with between a lawyer and a neurodivergent client to enable them together to achieve an outcome that meets their particular needs. Identifying with neurodivergency also enables family lawyers to signpost clients to other relevant professionals who can guide them.

While The Family Justice Council (FJC), a body which monitors the effectiveness of the Family Justice  System, says a more inclusive system which meets the needs of neurodivergence is needed, there is still a long way to go in achieving this.

Sir Andrew McFarlane, President of the Family Division, rightly says that failure to recognise and accommodate neurodivergence results in parties to court proceedings, witnesses, and children being unable to participate fully in court cases.  A proper understanding of neurodivergence would lead to better participation and more effective justice.

Like all our clients, neurodivergent clients deserve the best possible support and understanding. As a family lawyer I fervently hope that we can improve our ability to understand and guide them by collaborating and adopting best practice in this critical and sensitive area.

For queries on any aspect of family law, call Jones Myers at Leeds 0113 246 0055, Harrogate 01423 276104, or York 01904 202550. Visit www.jonesmyers.co.uk, email info@jonesmyers.co.uk or tweet @helpwithdivorce

Jones Myers blog is ranked 5th in the UK’s Best 25 family law blogs and websites to follow in 2025.

Read more articles by Jones Myers.

About Sarah Barr-Young

Sarah brings a wealth of expertise to her role as Head of Jones Myers’ award-winning Financial Remedies Department at the firm’s Harrogate town centre office.

Highly experienced in complex, high net worth financial disputes, Sarah’s reputation in business property portfolios, pensions on divorce and resolving disputes out of court through negotiation is widely recognised.

A named Legal 500 ‘Key’ Lawyer and Chambers ‘Notable Practitioner’, Sarah is respected and valued by clients as a strong ‘no nonsense’, knowledgeable, strategist who is also patient and empathetic.

A long-standing admirer of Jones Myers’ reputation for delivering excellence in client care and legal services of the highest calibre, Sarah relishes the opportunity to be instrumental to the practice’s continued growth.

Sarah is an accredited resolution specialist in Complex Financial Remedies and Private Children Law and is a Member of Resolution.

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Beyond the "Glow Up": Reclaiming Your Autonomy and Identity After Divorce
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Beyond the “Glow Up”: Reclaiming Your Autonomy and Identity After Divorce

Published on
Margaret Ward-Martin
Margaret Ward-Martin
Founder
The Grace Project

Every woman is different and every relationship breakdown is different.  Not all women “glow up” and I’d caution against replacing one systemic pressure with another.  That said, the concept of thriving after divorce offers encouragement, hope, practical suggestions and support.  Divorce itself can be traumatic so let’s avoid overgeneralising recovery times and experiences.  Once a state of psychological stasis is reached a divorced woman understands that she has autonomy and the opportunity to create a life of her choosing.  This may feel empowering and daunting in equal measure and that’s okay.

Reclaiming autonomy after a marriage ends and the impact on a woman’s confidence, nervous system and sense of identity

Post divorce, women coming out of an oppressive marriage can breathe again.  If she has been living in fear for a number of years, her nervous system may be shredded.  Some psychologists suggest that after years of abuse the victim may subsequently suffer post traumatic stress so that is why she must learn to breathe again.  To begin with, it’s important for her to understand her right to do so. Learning to breathe again, deeply and recuperatively has astonishing benefits.  By calming our nervous systems, we not only gain control over our bodies, but it clears our minds.  Confidence comes with doing.  If a woman has been told she cannot do something for years she now can.  If she wants to dance, then dance.  With no-one to stop her she reclaims her own self and the confidence comes.

The effect of chronic relational stress on a woman’s body and appearance and the  physiological changes that people interpret as a “glow”

When we are chronically stressed our bodies can manifest it in many ways.  It may be certain behaviours are controlled that result in how a woman looks.  For example, a woman whose food intake was monitored or access to dental care denied (real examples), once out of the relationship she can eat more healthily and get dental attention.  If the nature of the relationship has led to self-harm or neglect, away from the stress, a woman can start to look after herself.   In the marriage where money was controlled, access to hair and skin care may not have been possible  If a person is depressed in a relationship, it is likely to show up in their body in some way; skin, hair and weight may be indicators of the relationship stressors.  Away from it, a woman can attend to these needs, freely.

Understanding grief after a break up

Grief often gets a bad rap.   After divorce there are likely to be feelings of tremendous loss; of hopes and dreams; of years; of opportunities; of damaged relationships and reputations.  Lean in, I suggest.  You are bound to be sad when you are dealing with an unhappy ending.  As for self-actualisation?  This may come but, please, no more pressure.  Be the best version of yourself one day at a time.  And if managing to get out of bed and your teeth brushed, is it, then excellent stuff.  If it is a new piercing and a job interview, excellent stuff, too.

Yes, heartbreak and loss can lead to a new life, but it needs to be processed in its own, unique to the individual, time.

Reclaiming ourselves after a divorce 

Coming out of a controlling relationship is like seeing the ocean for the first time. Eat what I want? Wear what I want? See my friends? If employment or educational opportunities were prohibited, then now is the time to restore these parts and discover potential. The ambition often comes from women’s appreciation that these freedoms are not to be taken for granted and her anger ensures that not one more minute is wasted.

Healing timelines 

Give yourself a break. You are going through a challenging, exhausting, possibly traumatic, expensive, chronically stressful situation so if you managed to get tights and knickers on today and the children to school on time, give yourself a massive pat on the back. Forget “glow.”  At this stage, another stressor. For those of us who’ve been in this situation we don’t need one oppressor to replace another.

As for timelines? Forget them. Take the pressure off. It is likely that there is a period of post-divorce lows and then, one day, without warning, you may hear a night owl or a distant train; you may choose to put your favourite music on and dance like nobody’s looking, it might be that one day you realise how incredible you are to have made it this far.  Initially there may be relief, take it. Then sadness, lean in. Then more sadness, continue, then anger, strap in, then a night owl…

Rebuilding your life privately and publicly 

It’s an inside job. When you feel ready to stand up for yourself and not take any nonsense from anyone, you’re on your way. No amount of Botox and swiping right will hasten the sense of self, compassion, self-respect and understanding that you have the right to a good life, without judgement and direction. When you are able to say “no” and stop justifying your decisions and walk away from toxic people and situations, and claim your time as your own, you are on your way. After years, possibly a lifetime of putting others first, this may take some practice.

As for your public life? Part of your healing is that you won’t really care what the public makes of you. You know your truth and walk in it. That’s where true power lies.

Understanding the psychological steps that help women reach a healthy way forward for the next chapter

Post divorce, take time to reflect on your part. That’s the only control you truly have. When doing this, be kind to yourself, and identify redundant responses, for example, people pleasing or giving too much weight to the opinion of others.

This is your time and it is precious. Work out what you want for you. This is congruence. When you are living a life that aligns with your own ambition, values, vision, and talent, you are closer to being you – not a neutralised version that suits the world around you.  Be effective in your own healing and recovery.  No-one else can do this for you.

Read more articles by Margaret Ward-Martin.

About Margaret Ward-Martin

BACP Counsellor and Psychotherapist Margaret Ward-Martin holds over 30 years’ experience in the mental health industry as a teacher, coach and therapist with a special interest in narcissistic abuse and coercive control survival, addiction and early childhood trauma. She founded The Grace Project (www.thegraceproject.co.uk) in 2021 to raise awareness about emotional and psychological abuse in the world in which we live. Margaret continues to advocate for better access to mental health services and for greater understanding and destigmatisation of diagnosis.

 

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Is this really love? How to detect signs of Domestic Abuse in relationships
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Is This Really Love? How to Detect Signs of Domestic Abuse in Relationships

Published on
Laura Sargeant
Laura Sargeant
Solicitor at Jones Myers

In February, thoughts often turn to romance with messages about Valentine’s Day circulating everywhere on social media and in every shop on the high street.

It’s easy to be drawn into the hype and see our own relationships or potential relationships through the lens of what the marketing tells us love should be like.

In reality, relationships aren’t always a fairy tale where we get charmed off our feet by the likes of Benedict Bridgerton or Jeremiah Fisher.

A gift of flowers or chocolates and a card professing unending love can be very thoughtful, but what if they are done to excess (a practice known as ‘love bombing’) or are sent in an attempt to ‘make up’ following an incident of physical or verbal abuse?

It can be hard to see the signs that a relationship is abusive. This is partly because the abusive partner is often very good at hiding what they do and deflecting attention away from their actions. It is also partly because we can find it hard to accept that the person we think loves us and who we think we love could be capable of abusing us.

Although the signs of domestic abuse are wide ranging, and whilst the below is not an exhaustive list, they can include elements of the following:

Physical – hitting, slapping, hair pulling, pushing, strangulation, throwing objects at you;

Verbal – this can range from loud verbal attacks, swearing and name calling to more subtle verbal abuse such as making derogatory comments about your appearance;

Sexual – is your consent to sexual activity sought? Are you being forced to have sex when you don’t want to or manipulated into engaging in sexual activities you don’t enjoy?

Threats – are you or members of your family being threatened with violence if you fail to comply with what your partner wants?

Financial – does your partner control all the finances in the relationship and this isn’t by mutual, fully informed agreement? Does your partner take money from you or spend money in a way that puts you in financial difficulty?

Control – does your partner always want to know exactly where you’re going and who with and do they check up on you throughout? Do they harass and follow you or check your phone messages? Do they dictate what you wear?

Isolation – are you prevented from spending time with your family and friends either overtly or through more subtle means such as by your partner telling you your family are awful and you shouldn’t be spending time with them?

If you think you might be experiencing domestic abuse in your relationship there are lots of organisations who you can reach out to for specialist support including IDAS, the biggest specialist domestic abuse charity in Yorkshire.

At Jones Myers our paramount consideration is securing your safety, and we are trained in spotting the signs that there may be domestic abuse in a relationship.

Our highly experienced family lawyers can provide you with specialist help and advice regarding leaving a relationship and any protective orders that may need to be put in place for you or your children such as non-molestation or occupation orders.

For queries on domestic abuse or family law, call 0113 246 0055 (Leeds) 01423 276104 (Harrogate), 202550 (York). Visit www.jonesmyers.co.uk, email info@jonesmyers.co.uk or tweet 01904 @helpwithdivorce

About Laura Sargeant

Laura has over sixteen years’ expertise in family law. Her specialisms include domestic abuse, adoption, child arrangement orders and child protection orders.

A member of the firm’s esteemed Children’s Department based at Jones Myers’ York office, Laura was attracted by the firm’s outstanding reputation in the legal world – and how the practice always strives to deliver excellence in family law to its valued clients.

Laura finds it rewarding to support clients through a difficult period in their lives and help them to find the best solution for their unique situation.

Clients value Laura’s dedication and knowledge along with her empathy and listening skills.

 

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When Everything Looks Right - But a Woman Is Quietly Disappearing
portrait-of-a-young woman-in-casual-clothes taken-at-long-exposure

When Everything Looks Right – But a Woman Is Quietly Disappearing

Published on
Isabelle Ulenaers
Isabelle Ulenaers
Psychologist, Psychotherapist, Women’s Reinvention Expert

From the outside, her life looks solid.

A stable marriage. A reliable partner. Children who are thriving. A career she’s worked hard to build. A life that, by most measures, should feel fulfilling.

And yet, internally, something has been eroding for a long time.

Not suddenly. Not dramatically. Quietly.

This is the experience many women struggle to name when they begin questioning their marriage. There is no obvious crisis. No betrayal to point to. He is actually a good guy. No single event that explains the depth of their exhaustion. And because of that, doubt often follows close behind.

“If nothing is wrong, why do I feel so empty?” “Am I being ungrateful?” “Is this just what long-term relationships feel like?”

As a psychologist who has worked with women navigating divorce for over two decades, I’ve seen this pattern repeatedly. It is one of the least talked about, yet most emotionally complex, pathways into separation.

The invisible cost of “making it work.”

Many of the women I work with are capable, conscientious, and deeply invested. They care about their families. They take responsibility. They adapt. They communicate. They hold everything together.

Over time, this way of living creates a subtle shift. The woman becomes very good at doing, managing, and caretaking. Less practiced at noticing what she feels. Less certain of what she needs. Less connected to her inner voice.

This is not a failure of commitment. It is often the result of long-term self-adjustment.

When a woman consistently places herself last in order to preserve harmony or stability, something essential is slowly abandoned. Not the relationship, but herself.

Why leaving feels harder when there’s no clear reason

When a partner is fundamentally decent, leaving can feel morally confusing. Friends may be supportive but quietly puzzled. Family members may encourage gratitude. Society still tends to ask women to justify why “good enough” isn’t enough.

This is where many women become stuck. Not because they don’t sense something needs to change, but because they don’t feel permitted to trust that knowing.

They may stay longer than feels healthy, waiting for clarity to arrive in a form that feels legitimate. Meanwhile, numbness grows. Emotional fatigue sets in. Resentment or disconnection follows, often unintentionally.

Ironically, staying can create the very distance they were trying to avoid.

Divorce as an internal decision before an external one

In these cases, the decision to leave is rarely impulsive. It is usually preceded by years of reflection, attempts at communication, therapy, compromise, and self-questioning.

Long before papers are filed, an internal reckoning has already taken place.

The woman begins to realise that the cost of staying is the gradual erosion of her sense of self. That continuing requires a level of self-silencing she can no longer sustain. That the life she is living may be respectable, but no longer true.

This moment is rarely dramatic. It is often quiet, heavy, and deeply private.

And it has very little to do with the partner being “bad.”

Reframing divorce without blame

One of the most helpful shifts for women navigating this kind of separation is moving away from narratives of fault and toward narratives of truth.

Divorce does not always mean someone failed. Sometimes it means something honest has finally been acknowledged.

This reframing can ease guilt and reduce the need to over-explain. Not “I’m leaving because you weren’t enough,” but “I’m leaving because I stopped being myself.”

This distinction matters. Psychologically and emotionally.

When women understand their decision as a movement toward themselves rather than away from someone else, recovery tends to be steadier and less conflicted.

From numbness to return

After leaving, many women are surprised by what comes next.

There may be relief, alongside grief. Freedom paired with disorientation. Confidence in the decision, mixed with moments of doubt.

This is normal. While divorce changes the external structure of life, it does not instantly restore a woman’s relationship with herself. That reconnection takes time.

Rebuilding is not about immediately knowing who you are. It’s about slowly reconnecting with what feels true again. Learning to take up space emotionally. Practising self-trust in small, everyday choices. Letting go of the habit of self-override.

For women who have spent years prioritising others, this can feel unfamiliar at first. But it is also deeply restorative.

Moving forward with integrity

Divorce without drama is not a lesser story. It is often a braver one.

It requires a woman to listen inward without external validation. To accept that clarity doesn’t always come with a headline-worthy reason. To trust that her inner life matters, even when it’s difficult to explain.

More women are reaching this point today than ever before. And they deserve language that reflects their experience with dignity and depth.

Not as a failure. Not as selfishness. But as a return.

About Isabelle Ulenaers

Isabelle Ulenaers is a Specialist in divorce-related identity transformation. Her work focuses on helping women rebuild self-trust, clarity, and emotional stability when life looks “right” on the outside but no longer feels true on the inside.

Visit her website

Follow Isabelle on Instagram

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The Part of Healing I Avoided After Divorce
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The Part of Healing That I Avoided After My Divorce

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

And how facing it changed things for the better

For a long time after my marriage ended, I felt like I was going nowhere.

I was functioning, co-parenting, dating and working. Doing all the things you’re supposed to do. But inside, I felt stuck. The grief didn’t seem to move. The anger and regret kept circling back, even many years later.

At the time, I didn’t realise I was protecting myself.

After a marriage ends, most of us fall more into one of two places. Either we’re painfully aware of everything we did “wrong” and we beat ourselves up endlessly, or we focus mostly on our ex’s shortcomings.

What they did, what they didn’t do, and how responsible they were for things falling apart. I lived mostly in that second place.

I blamed my ex-husband for much of what wasn’t working. I didn’t question him as a father or a provider, but when it came to emotional connection and partnership, I felt alone. I felt like I was the one trying, carrying the emotional load, trying to improve things.

After my divorce, that story made complete sense to me, and it helped me survive.

Blame gave me something solid to stand on when everything else had collapsed.

The end of my marriage was such a shock to my entire system, that I simply wasn’t ready to look any deeper. And I don’t see that now as avoidance. I see it as self-protection. I wasn’t strong enough yet to hold the full truth.

What I didn’t realise back then was that blame was also shielding me from a deeper, more painful layer of grief. Underneath the anger was something much harder to face. The possibility that my own attachment wounds had played a role in the breakdown of the relationship.

 

When I eventually felt stronger, those truths started to surface

I remember picking up a book on codependency and feeling my stomach drop as I read it. Not because it described someone awful or malicious, but because it described someone caring, responsible, and deeply focused on someone else. It described me.

What I was bringing into the marriage didn’t look unhealthy on the surface. It looked like caring. But caring that is entirely focused on another person isn’t healthy, and love that’s driven by fear of disconnection comes at a cost.

I started to see some uncomfortable things about myself. I focused too much on what wasn’t working instead of what was. I didn’t have the relational skills, at that stage of my life, to communicate my needs clearly or early enough.

I managed anxiety in my marriage by trying to control outcomes rather than sitting with uncertainty or trusting that my husband would always stick with me, even through the hard times.

Those realisations were incredibly painful. Not just because they were hard to admit, but because of the question that followed. If I had known this sooner… if I had done things differently… could this marriage have worked?

That thought was brutal.

For a while, the grief actually got worse. I wasn’t just grieving the end of the marriage anymore, I was grieving the version of myself who didn’t know better. And there was a strong urge to go back and fix it all, to rewind time and do everything differently with the awareness I had now.

What mattered was that I stayed with those thoughts. I didn’t rush to resolve them or push them away. I didn’t swing back into blaming my ex to escape the discomfort, and I didn’t turn it into self-attack either. I let the truth be painful and complicated.

Yes, my attachment wounds contributed to the breakdown. Yes, there were things I would do differently now. And no, I was not responsible for everything. I was part of the system, not the whole system.

Understanding and accepting that changed everything.

 

Ownership is not self-blame

Ownership says, these are the things I did that didn’t work and that I’ll do differently next time. Self-blame says, this was all my fault. Ownership gave me my power back. It allowed me to see myself clearly as well as acknowledging my exes actions.

Once I reached that place, something finally shifted. I stopped clinging to the fantasy that the marriage could have worked if only I had tried harder or been better or known more. I stopped bargaining with the past. The grief didn’t disappear, but it finally moved into acceptance.

Taking ownership didn’t reopen the wound, it closed it. It allowed me to be honest about the marriage as it actually was, rather than the story I kept telling myself about what it might have become.

And I think that’s the part we don’t talk about enough. We can’t fully release grief while some part of us is still negotiating with it, still secretly hoping the ending might change.

 

What changes is us

When I look back now, there is a little sadness at times, a smidge of regret for the things I wish I’d done better, and also a lot of tenderness and gratitude.

What isn’t there anymore is the constant pull to fix what I couldn’t go back to. Healing didn’t come from blame. It came from ownership and forgiveness.

It came from being brave enough to say that I made mistakes, but that I was only human. I was wounded, and I doing the best I could with what I knew at the time, and that was more than enough.

Life is too short to live in the past. It’s a choice to face what we have to face in order to grow and let go of the connections that were only meant to be there for a season.

As much as we wanted another end to our story.

Read more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

I’m Carol Madden, a Post-Divorce Life Coach working with women around the world from my online practice.

I work with women who have been divorced for two years or more and thought they’d feel better by now. They’re functioning and getting on with life, but still struggling to let go, heal and move forward in their new post-divorce lives.

I’ve been through divorce myself, and that experience led me to this work. I know what it’s like to look fine on the outside while still carrying grief, guilt, confusion and all the unanswered questions underneath, even several years later.

I also know what it takes to come out the other side and build a life that feels good again.

I help women get to the heart of what’s holding them back, stop looking backwards and find the strength to move forward, even when it feels hard.

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Tips On How To Start Dating Post-Divorce - A New Beginning
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Tips on How to Start Dating Post-Divorce – A New Beginning

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It can be hard hopping into the dating game again after divorce. Rules change after a long hiatus and social media is more

Wendi Schuller
Wendi Schuller
Dating Coach
Author of ‘The Global Guide to Divorce’

prevalent now.  Online dating web sites are numerous.  There are so many choices how to meet potential dates and it can be daunting where to start. Think about going on dates as fun or an adventure. There may or may not be sparks. You might end up with a new friend or your next life partner.

Do an assessment of your dating goals

To get into a serious relationship?

To mainly have companionship?

Romance? Sex?

There can be an issue when one person is seeking their next life partner and the other wants a casual experience or hookup.

How to get started

Put yourself in a situation where you can meet people particularly other singles. For example, after my divorce I started going to karaoke. It is fun and does not require a great voice. After a while, I met a guy there and we have been together for three years. Two other couples met at karaoke as well.  As a writer, I like being surrounded by other creative types. I sit at a community table in a lively coffee shop and conversations usually start among the people. Several times chatting to the person next to me led to ideas for an article.

Go out in groups with your friends, neighbours, co-workers etc.

In a group setting, you can meet a variety of people and not have the to carry a conversation when feeling nervous. I was at a Divorce Club meeting in a London pub and connected with the woman beside to me. We have been good friends for years.

Attend work gatherings. Two co-workers were friends for over a year. Once they were in a group setting away from the job environment {a hospital} sparks started and turned into a huge flame. They saw each other in a different light and later got married.

Other ways to meet people in group settings in through MeetUp.com A divorced friend met her new guy in a hiking one. They chatted casually for awhile before realizing that they want to be together.  Other opportunities are volunteering or joining the singles groups in churches or synagogues.

Check on your body language

Are your arms tightly folded across your chest?  This means stay away. Do you avoid eye contact?  Do you look away when someone approaches you?  This type of body language can be misinterpreted as a lack of interest instead of shyness.  Are you smiling? Frowning is a road block to connections.

Talk to people around you

Ask the barista a few questions. When someone sees how easily it would be to have a conversation with you, then they will too. Friendly people are approachable. I met a charming guy in a coffee shop this way and we went out for a year before he relocated. You may not feel in a festive mood post-divorce. If friends want you to go to a party with, consider doing that. One nurse who had a bad break-up went to a Halloween fancy dress party.  She met her future husband at that gathering.

Be open

Sometimes when you are not looking for someone, is when they pop into your life. Go out and enjoy yourself. The important aspect to moving on is to put yourself in situations where opportunities may arise.

Read more articles by Wendi Schuller.


About Wendi Schuller

Wendi Schuller is a dating coach who helps people after divorce and break-ups to start dating again.  https://globalguidetodivorce.com  She is a hypnotherapist, NLP practitioner and a nurse. She wrote The Global Guide To Divorce.

She writes a children’s book series with the latest, Jack Jack The Cat Loose In London. Also The Adventures Of Margo, Girl Detective.

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