Content Manager
OnePlusOne
Every divorce brings loss, whatever else comes with it. You might feel angry, sad, relieved, or some combination of all three, but one thing that remains consistent is that something important has ended. A life you once built and nurtured has been demolished, and you are left to pick through the wreckage.
Understanding loss, and why it shows up the way it does, can help you make sense of it all as you find your way through to a clear patch of land where you can start to rebuild.
Why Loss Feels Different For Everyone
How you experience loss will come down to who ended the relationship (Boelen & Reijntjes, 2009). If it was your decision, you’ve probably had a head start – you may have been thinking about things for years before the actual split (Bevvino & Sharkin, 2003). This process often starts with a realisation that things aren’t quite right, and that you need to make a change. In the lead up to the separation, you’ll have had time to prepare emotionally and to think about what the future will look like. When the demolition comes, you might even be able to look on it as a positive step towards rebuilding.
If your ex made the decision, it’s a very different experience. One day you’re married, the next day your life comes crashing down around you. With no time to prepare, it can feel like a total loss of control. You will need to process the initial shock before you can even begin to think about what’s been lost.
Neither position is easy. The initiator often carries a burden of guilt at having ended things. The person left behind carries shock and a sense of helplessness. Whichever side you’re on, it’s helpful to be able to pinpoint your location amongst the rubble of your old life.
What Divorce Actually Takes Away
It’s not just the relationship itself that you lose. Recognising that divorce can take other things with it will help you make sense of what you’re feeling.
A sense of who you are
Being married can become part of your identity. You may think of yourself as being part of a couple, or a member of a family that you have created. Losing that role can take away a big part of who you are, and a sense of security that you’ve held for a long time.
Your social circle
Friendships you’ve developed as a couple may not always survive the split. Some friends may drift towards your ex, some may drift off your radar altogether. A separation can disrupt your whole social circle and you may need to figure out who your people are now that you are no longer married.
The practical things
Moving house, separating your finances, and working out new routines with your children are all big life changes that hit you when you’re already feeling vulnerable. Sometimes grief lands in unexpected moments, like picking up the keys for a new house or cooking dinner for one.
Loss can even change your sense of the past, as once-happy memories turn sour, and old family photos become tinged with regret.
Three Ways To Clear Away The Mess
Grief is complicated. You can’t simply step out of it, but there are things you can do to stay on your feet as you work your way through it.
Look for the happy moments
When we are lost in negativity it can be hard to believe happiness is possible. Grab a notebook and write down how you’re feeling each day, noting the positives as well as the negatives. A mood journal can help you recognise that there are glimmers of hope, and things in life to be grateful for – even if it’s as simple as a sunny day, or a friend who cares about you. You might just start to see a clear horizon, even if you can’t quite get to it yet.
Look after yourself
Try to stay healthy and notice what happens. Eat foods you know are good for you, take rest when you get the chance, and resist the urge to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol. You can’t take the pain of loss away, but you can choose not to feed it.
Call for help
Stay connected to the family and friends who have supported you. Call out to the people you know you can rely on, and let them know what you need. If you have friends who have been through a separation, talk to them. Ask them how they got through it.
If you’d prefer to confide in someone neutral, you may find it helpful to speak to a therapist or counsellor, or even just to share your story through an online forum.
Making Your Way to Clear Ground
As you pick through the detritus of your loss, you can start to become more self-reliant and more secure, finding ways to live with the change. Once you accept that things are different, you can let go of the desire to put things back how they once were, and instead move forward.
Think about what you want from the future. What sort of relationship do you hope to have with your children? How will you communicate with your co-parent? What would make your life feel more manageable?
Loss is messy and difficult, but it’s also an opportunity to rebuild. Could you use this time in your life to do something you’ve been putting off – learn a new skill, reconnect with an old friend, or finally get that tattoo? Things haven’t worked out the way you were expecting. OK. So what’s next?
Read more articles by Jimi Odell.
About Jimi Odell
Jimi Odell is a writer who has specialised in parenting and relationships for over 15 years. He has worked with the charity OnePlusOne since 2014, creating evidence-based support and interventions to help people get on better. He is one of the creators behind the Separating better co-parenting app, a one-stop shop for separating parents which includes Behaviour Modelling Training videos to help co-parents learn conflict resolution and positive communication skills.
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