dealing with divorce

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Healing After Divorce or Separation: Practical Steps to Rebuild, Recover and Move Forward

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Sanjay Solanki
Sanjay Solanki
Divorce & Family Law Solicitor
Woolley & Co Solicitors

Divorce and separation is often described as that feeling of having the ground shifted from right beneath your feet.

The emotional impact of a relationship ending can be profound. Those feelings of grief, anger, guilt and anxiety often get entangled making it difficult to process emotions.

In this article, I am going to explore what practical steps to consider to protect your own wellbeing when faced with raw emotions following a separation.

There is no quick fix or one-size-fits-all solution to recovering from a divorce.

When a relationship ends, it is more than just losing a partner. For the individual, they have to juggle, picking up the pieces and carrying on with what life has to throw. Meanwhile, the individual needs to find time to deal with the uncertainty of what comes next.

After a separation, the family dynamics change, and you lose a sense of identity. A big concern is personal finances and affordability around financial obligations.

It is not uncommon to experience:

  • Loneliness and social isolation.
  • Reduced self-esteem and confidence.
  • Stress associated with making arrangements regarding the finances and parenting.

Healing is rarely a straight line. You may find some days are better than others. One day you may feel positive and hopeful, the other, you may experience feelings of overwhelm and confusion.

Practical strategies for healing and moving forward

1. Do not ignore your emotions

It is natural to feel:

  • Disappointment
  • Loss
  • Anger
  • Fear
  • Sadness
  • Grief

Give yourself time. Healing takes time and as part of your journey it is important to acknowledge your emotions and not suppress them.

It can help to:

  • Keep a journal of how you are feeling.
  • Consider an activity, hobbie or exercise that you enjoy and will help you to feel calm and relaxed. For some individuals, they may consider swimming, meditation, yoga or walking.

2. Do not forget who you are

It is important you focus on your needs, concerns and priorities and remember your routine.

It is ok to make time for:

  • Your mental and physical wellbeing.
  • Your own personal finances.
  • Your responsibilities as a parent.
  • Your personal development.

It is important to take small steps to avoid becoming stressed and overwhelmed

3. Reflect on where you are and where you want to be

This is your opportunity to give yourself time and space and rediscover. A separation often forces people to let go of plans they once held. Ask yourself:

  • What do I want my life to look like in one year?
  • What goals have I put on hold?
  • What brings me fulfilment and purpose?

You should not feel guilty about this. It is ok to give yourself permission to explore. Any interest you have or, any commitment you show, can help you to build emotional resilience. It may help to keep a list.

4. Stand tall

You should not feel bad or guilty for putting yourself first. It matters that you make time to:

  • Go for a walk.
  • Practice mindfulness.
  • Read a book.
  • Spend time outdoors.

Looking after yourself has health benefits and it can help to reduce stress and improve your emotional and mental wellbeing.

5. Be kind to yourself

Healing takes time. It is important that you avoid comparing your journey to others. Equally, it is important you do not judge yourself for things that have not gone as planned.

Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer to someone else facing similar circumstances.

6. Create a support network

Strong emotions can cloud judgement and so it is important not to make major decisions. You do not have to deal with everything alone. You deserve support and this can come in many forms, including:

  • Family and friends.
  • Professional counselling and therapy.
  • Support groups.
  • Legal professionals.
  • Financial professionals.

Seek professional advice when required to discuss important decisions.

Supporting your children

If children are involved, they may be experiencing uncertainty, sadness and confusion. Children often cope better when both parents:

  • Reassure children that they are loved.
  • Avoid conflict in front of them.
  • Maintain consistency where possible.
  • Encourage them to express their feelings.

It helps if parents have open and age-appropriate communication.

Life after

Divorce and separation can be among life’s most challenging experiences, but it does not have to define your future.

There is no right time frame for healing. With the right support, practical coping strategies and patience, it is possible to find strength, be more self-aware and resilient than before. Healing is not about forgetting the past. It is about learning from it, accepting it and creating space for new opportunities, healthier relationships and renewed happiness.

About Sanjay Solanki

Sanjay Solanki is a family solicitor with Woolley & Co, Solicitors. Based in Solihull, he advises clients on all aspects of family law, including divorce, financial settlements and arrangements for children. Sanjay is a trained family mediator and is committed to helping clients resolve disputes in a constructive and practical way wherever possible. With experience gained at several respected regional law firms, he is known for his calm, supportive approach and for helping clients navigate complex and emotionally challenging situations with clarity and confidence. Sanjay specialises in divorce, financial remedy matters involving property, pensions and business interests, and children disputes, providing clear, pragmatic advice tailored to each client’s circumstances.

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Managing Grief and Loss and Emotional Recovery
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Managing Grief and Loss and Emotional Recovery

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Noel McDermott
Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

Humans are attachment making animals, we form loving bonds with each other that have deep consequences for us. They shape us literally at the biological level. The hormones involved in feelings of love and happiness with each other encourage myelination in the brains, whereby physical structures are formed in the brain. We use the term ‘personality’ as a shorthand for the sum total of these interactions. When a baby is born these loving interactions form the basis of brain health and personality health. Neglected babies have literal holes in the frontal lobes where brain matter is lost. Without this frontal lobe development, the capacity to think, regulate etc are severely compromised. This process is lifelong and crucially our attachments form the basis of our ability to regulate, think, operate in the complex social web of life. The longer we have had a relationship the deeper the impact is on personality and functioning. Although this is about loving relationships myelination also happens with stress-fear based relationships and what follows about loss is equally true.

Loss in this view then, is loss of self as represented in the real, social world. It is the loss of the ongoing capacity to regulate, make sense and meaning of reality, to frame experience in a way that makes it safe (predictable, as in better the devil you know in stress based intimate relationships.) This loss of meaning is frightening and we can’t turn to the person we have lost to help us regulate that fear. For these reasons we can feel the loss of a partner in divorce for example in a complex and confusing manner, particularly if we wanted the divorce, because why would we grieve ending a relationship we didn’t want anymore?

Understanding that loss and grief is our brain and personality trying to heal from a type of injury can help us make sense of this. The brain, our personality or self is primarily a social or environmental phenomena from this view. Loss is an injury to its wellbeing, to its health. So, we need to focus on that in healing that injury.

Loss of a partner to divorce is no different to any other loss and the social framing of it shouldn’t get in the way of the deeper level of understanding. So what helps?

  • Develop meaning in the world again. Much spiritual and or religious practice is based on meaning making so you may find comfort in that. If you are secular, think of helping others. As social animals any activity we engage with that helps the ‘herd’ helps us. There is always someone worse of then oneself and helping them will A) help them and make the world a better place and B) help us to get a sense of perspective and feel connected to something other than our own suffering

  • Increase contact with loving network and fill that hole in the brain with others to help us regulate

  • Stay away from alcohol and drugs. Temporary relief from these chemicals which can and do hijack neurological pathways is too dangerous at times of distress. Emotional distress is a sign you need a hug not a glass of wine

  • You have had a major injury, what would you do with any recovery from a major injury? Correct: rest, slow down, seek help, eat well, hydrate, sleep, show compassion to yourself

  • Normalise your reactions. There is nothing wrong because you are healing from a psychological injury. It is to be expected. Not being able to feel loss and grief (the signs you are healing) would be more worrying. It’s okay to not be okay

It’s worth reflecting upon the healing impact of nature during times of loss. Its impact is so strong that it’s worth developing it as a unique strand of your recovery. Nature has an impact on our brains similar to mindful meditation, which is well researched to help our bodies and brains heal. Nature increases our sense of connection to each other and our feeling of wellbeing. Nature in this context does not mean out in the wilds, it can be that, but equally can be your local park or indeed a bit of gardening. It is well researched for example that putting a park in an urban area reduces violent crime in that area by up to 20%. This is due to the sense of connection and wellbeing fostered. Therapeutic horticulture (gardening) is also well researched in psychological recovery. The impact of nature is so strong that simply taking time to pass attention to a tree at your bus stop on the way to work will produce a noticeable effect. So go hug a tree and say thanks!

Finally, it’s always a good idea to check in with a mental health professional or your GP if you are worried about how you are coping. If you have a history of psychological distress, you may well need extra help such as anti-depressants. Mostly you will be met with empathy and emotional support from the professionals who can reassure you nothing is wrong, but you never know, so it’s always good to check.

Read more articles by Noel McDermott.

About Noel McDermott

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

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The Digital Divorce: The Breakup Nobody Prepares You For

The Digital Divorce: The Breakup Nobody Prepares You For

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Monika Braglewicz
Monika Braglewicz
Breakup and Divorce Coach
Coach With Monika

When people think about divorce, they usually picture the obvious milestones.

Finding somewhere new to live, speaking to a solicitor, working out finances, telling family and friends, learning how to co-parent. What they don’t picture is sitting alone at 11pm, scrolling through every app on their phone, quietly scrolling through years of shared digital life.

Yet for many people, that’s exactly what happens. I call it the digital divorce.

It’s the process of separating your online life from someone else’s. Removing them from shared accounts, changing passwords, updating emergency contacts, deciding what to do with thousands of photos.

These might sound like small jobs, but they often carry much more emotional weight than people expect.

It’s a part of separation that very few people talk about, despite the fact it’s becoming something almost everyone experiences.

When your phone won’t let you move on

Years ago, reminders of a relationship were mostly physical. A jumper left in the wardrobe, a wedding photo on the mantelpiece, a favourite restaurant you avoided for a while.

Today, our relationships exist just as much online as they do offline. Your ex might still be saved as “Home” in your Uber account.

Google Photos might decide today is the perfect day to remind you about a holiday you took together three years ago. Spotify is still asking whether you want to continue your Duo subscription. Your phone still autofills their address.

None of these things are big on their own. But together, they create a constant stream of unexpected reminders that can make it much harder to move on.

Why social media makes letting go harder

Then there’s social media. For many people, resisting the temptation to look at an ex-partner’s profile becomes one of the hardest parts of healing.

Research suggests between 60% and 70% of people admit checking an ex’s social media after a breakup, while some academic studies have found the figure could be as high as 88%. Psychologists often refer to this behaviour as digital surveillance or attachment monitoring, and research has consistently linked it with higher emotional distress and greater difficulty moving on.

It isn’t because people necessarily want their relationship back.

Sometimes they’re simply curious, sometimes they’re looking for reassurance they’ve made the right decision, sometimes they’re hoping to see signs that the other person isn’t coping either.

Whatever the reason, those quick checks often keep people emotionally connected to someone they’re trying to let go of. As a divorce coach, I hear clients describe this all the time.

They know looking isn’t helping them, but the urge can feel almost automatic. One look turns into five minutes. Five minutes turns into an evening spent analysing photographs, comments and who’s liked whose posts. It’s exhausting.

Healing isn’t just emotional anymore

One of the biggest changes I’ve noticed over the years is that healing after divorce isn’t only about processing emotions anymore.

It’s also about managing technology. Something as simple as changing your emergency contact can suddenly become emotional.

Removing someone from your medical records, taking them off your insurance policy or deleting them as your next of kin isn’t just administration. It’s another sign that your life has changed.

Even deciding what to do with old photographs can feel impossible. Some people want to delete everything immediately. Others can’t bear the thought of losing those memories, even though they know looking at them hurts. Neither response is wrong.

The important thing is recognising that these aren’t simply digital tasks. They’re emotional milestones, and they deserve the same patience and compassion you would give yourself in any other part of the divorce process.

Give yourself permission to do it step by step

One mistake people often make is believing they have to sort everything out in one weekend. In reality, the digital divorce can happen in stages.

Start with the practical things that protect your independence and security.

Change passwords, update emergency contacts, remove shared payment methods, review which apps still have access to your location or personal information.

Those changes aren’t about erasing someone from your life. They’re about creating healthy boundaries.

The more emotional tasks like deleting photographs can wait until you’re ready.

Creating space for what’s next

One of the ways I encourage clients to think about the digital divorce is this:

You’re not deleting your past, you’re creating space for your future.

Every account you separate, every password you update, they’re all small reminders that you’re rebuilding your own life.

That doesn’t diminish the relationship or pretend it never mattered, it just acknowledges that you’re making room for new routines, new memories and eventually, a new chapter.

You’re not the only one experiencing this

The hardest part about the digital divorce is that so many people go through it without realising it has a name.

Friends prepare you for the legal process. They prepare you for mediation, they prepare you for financial settlements.

Very few prepare you for the moment your phone unexpectedly reminds you of an anniversary you’d forgotten, or when Spotify asks whether you’d like to continue sharing your subscription.

These moments can feel surprisingly painful because they arrive without warning.

If you’ve found yourself caught off guard by something as simple as updating an app or seeing an old photograph appear on your screen, you’re not overreacting.

You’re experiencing a very modern part of separation that many people quietly struggle through. Healing today isn’t just about letting go emotionally. Sometimes it’s about gently logging out of the life you once shared, one password, one app and one small digital thread at a time.

About Monika Braglewicz

Monika is an accredited breakup and divorce coach who helps people navigate relationship change with clarity, confidence and compassion. Having overcome divorce, financial hardship and homelessness herself, she combines lived experience with professional coaching to support clients through separation, co-parenting, heartbreak and life after divorce, helping them rebuild with resilience and purpose.

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Who Are You After Divorce?

Who Are You After Divorce?

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Sarah-Jayne Covell
Sarah-Jayne Covell
Integrative Psychotherapist & Founder Anchoring Therapy

Understanding the Loss of Identity After Separation

When people talk about divorce, they usually talk about the obvious things.

The legal process. The finances. The family home. The children. The practicalities of untangling a life that has become deeply intertwined with someone else’s.

Those things are undeniably difficult, but after many years of working with people experiencing relationship breakdown, I’ve become increasingly aware that one of the hardest parts of divorce often receives very little attention. 

It’s the moment someone quietly asks, “I don’t actually know who I am anymore.”

It rarely comes in the first few weeks. In those early days, there is usually too much to do. Solicitors need replying to, forms need completing, children need reassuring, friends want updates, and life somehow keeps moving even when you feel as though you’ve been knocked sideways.

It often arrives later, sometimes months later. The paperwork has been signed, routines have started to settle and, for the first time, there is enough silence to notice something feels different.

Not just around you, but within you.

More Than the End of a Relationship

For many people, divorce isn’t simply the end of a marriage. It’s the end of a version of themselves.

We rarely notice how much of our identity becomes wrapped up in being part of a couple until that identity changes.

We stop saying “I” and naturally begin saying “we”. Decisions are shared. Weekends develop familiar routines. Friends know us together. Family celebrations revolve around the same traditions year after year. Without really noticing, our relationship just becomes part of the way we understand ourselves.

Then, almost overnight, those reference points disappear.

One client described standing in the supermarket looking at a ready meal and realising she had absolutely no idea what she liked to eat anymore. It wasn’t really about the food. For years she had shopped for two people, always considering someone else’s preferences alongside her own. Faced with a simple choice, she suddenly realised she had forgotten to ask herself what she wanted. 

It sounds like such a small moment; in reality, it wasn’t small at all. It was one of the first signs that she was beginning to meet herself again.

When the Legal Process Ends

One of the things I often explain to clients is that the legal end of a marriage and the emotional end of a marriage rarely happen at the same time.

A decree absolute, a financial settlement or signed paperwork may bring certainty, but they don’t automatically answer the questions that continue afterwards.

Who am I if I’m no longer someone’s husband or wife? What happens to the plans we made? What do I do with the parts of myself that seem to have disappeared somewhere along the way?

These aren’t signs that someone is struggling to “move on”. In fact, feeling lost or unsure of yourself after a divorce is completely normal, and it’s something that many people experience. These emotions are a natural response to a significant life transition. Recognising that others share these feelings can be reassuring and is an important step in being gentle with yourself as you navigate this new chapter.

Our closest relationships help shape how we see ourselves. When those relationships change, it’s hardly surprising that our sense of identity needs time to adjust as well.

Becoming, Rather Than Returning

One question often sits quietly beneath many conversations I have with clients. “How do I get back to who I used to be? 

I don’t think that’s the most helpful question. The person you were at twenty-five, thirty-five or fifty existed because of every experience you’d had up until that point, including the relationship that has now ended.

Perhaps the more interesting question is, “Who am I becoming now?”

That doesn’t mean pretending divorce is a positive experience or suggesting everything happens for a reason. Most people would never have chosen this path.

But alongside the grief, many people slowly rediscover parts of themselves that had become almost invisible.

They take up hobbies they hadn’t thought about for years. Another client, who decided to try pottery after seeing a local class advertised. At first, she admitted she felt awkward and out of place, but soon realised how much she enjoyed working with her hands and letting herself learn something completely new. For her, every bowl she shaped was a quiet reminder that she could create something for herself, by herself. Others make decisions without second-guessing themselves. They discover they enjoy their own company. They begin to imagine a future that isn’t simply a replacement for the one they lost, but something entirely new.

That doesn’t happen in one defining moment; it’s usually much quieter than that. It happens in ordinary moments that gradually begin to feel like your own again.

That may be why identity after divorce isn’t really about finding yourself. It’s about noticing that, little by little, you’re becoming someone you haven’t met before.

If you are on this path right now, remember that even on the hardest days, growth is possible. Take things one step at a time and allow yourself patience. Support is available, and reaching out to others can make a real difference. In time, new possibilities may emerge, and you may be surprised by the strength and hope you discover within yourself.

Read more articles by Sarah-Jane Covell.

About Sarah-Jane Covell

Sarah-Jane Covell is an integrative psychotherapist based in North Yorkshire. She works with individuals and couples navigating life transitions, relationships and divorce. She is the author of When We Becomes Me: A Psychotherapist’s Guide to the Beginning, the Messy Middle, and the Other Side of Divorce. Feature: The Daily Wellness “Quiet Rebuilding Work,” “When We Becomes Me.” Counselling Directory: “Divorce and the loss of identity,”  “How music can help us process difficult emotions.”  The Daily Wellness: “Who are you after divorce.” 

Discover her Instagram page.

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Divorce Doesn't End a Marriage. It Ends a Chapter.

Divorce Doesn’t End a Marriage. It Ends a Chapter.

Published on
Susan Harwood
Susan Harwood
Chartered Legal Executive Litigator
Woolley & Co Solicitors

When people first contact a family lawyer, they often think they are coming for legal advice.

In reality, they are usually bringing far more than that.

Behind every discussion about finances, children or property is a person trying to make sense of one of the biggest transitions of their life. Some arrive angry, some frightened, some relieved. Many feel all three emotions within the same conversation.

After many years working in family law, I’ve learned that whilst the legal process is important, it is rarely the hardest part. The emotional journey often presents the greatest challenge.

Divorce is a loss, even when it’s the right decision

People often feel guilty for grieving a relationship they chose to leave.

But divorce represents the loss of far more than a marriage. It can mean the loss of certainty, shared dreams, family traditions, financial security, identity and the future you once imagined.

Grief is therefore a perfectly normal response.

Like any form of grief, it rarely follows a straight line. Some days bring optimism and relief; others bring sadness, anger or fear. Experiencing these emotions does not mean you are moving backwards, it simply means you are healing.

You don’t have to be at your best

Clients frequently apologise for crying during our initial consultation.

They tell me they “should be coping better” or that they feel embarrassed for becoming emotional.

The truth is that divorce places people under enormous psychological pressure. Alongside practical decisions, they may also be experiencing poor sleep, heightened anxiety, financial uncertainty and concern for their children.

No one makes their best decisions whilst living in a constant state of stress.

One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself during divorce is permission not to have everything figured out immediately.

Strong decisions come from calm minds

As lawyers, we often encourage clients not to make important decisions whilst emotions are running high.
This is not because feelings are unimportant. Quite the opposite.

When emotions are acknowledged rather than ignored, people are generally better able to think clearly, negotiate constructively and focus on long-term solutions rather than short-term reactions.

Sometimes the most productive thing a client can do isn’t send another email to their solicitor.

Sometimes it’s taking a walk, speaking with a trusted friend, seeing a counsellor, or simply sleeping on a difficult decision before responding.

Those small pauses can prevent costly conflict and help everyone move forward more constructively.

Children don’t need perfect parents

One of the greatest worries parents express is, “How do I stop this affecting my children?”

While every family is different, research consistently tells us that children cope best when they feel safe, loved and protected from adult conflict.

Parents cannot remove every sadness from a child’s experience.

What they can do is offer consistency, reassurance and permission for children to express their feelings without feeling caught between two people they love.

Children are remarkably resilient when they know that both parents continue to put their needs first.

Your relationship has ended. Your value has not.

Divorce has a way of making people question who they are.

People who have spent decades as someone’s husband or wife can suddenly wonder where they belong.

It is easy to confuse the end of a relationship with personal failure.

They are not the same thing.

Relationships end for countless reasons. The ending of a marriage says very little about your worth as a person.

In fact, many people later describe divorce not simply as an ending, but as the beginning of rediscovering themselves.

They reconnect with old friendships, find new interests, improve their health, pursue careers they had postponed or simply learn to enjoy their own company again.

While few people would choose divorce, many eventually recognise that they became stronger, more confident and more authentic because of what they learned through it.

Be kind to yourself

If you are currently navigating divorce, remember this:

  • You are not expected to have all the answers today.
  • You do not need to rush your healing.
  • Accept support where it is offered.
  • Surround yourself with people who help you feel calmer, not more conflicted.
  • Focus on the decisions that will still feel right in five years’ time, rather than the emotions that feel overwhelming today.
  • Above all, remember that divorce is one chapter of your life, not the whole story.

I’ve sat on both sides of the desk

Although I write as a family lawyer, I also write from personal experience.

I have been married twice, divorced twice and have raised my children largely as a single parent and gained my legal qualification as a mature student. Like many of my clients, I have experienced the uncertainty, financial pressures, self-doubt and emotional upheaval that separation can bring. I know what it feels like to question whether life will ever feel settled again, and I also know that, with time, it can.

That lived experience has profoundly shaped the way I practise. I understand that when a client sits opposite me, they are rarely looking solely for legal advice. They are often carrying grief, fear for their children’s future, anxiety about finances and uncertainty about what comes next. Whilst my role is to provide clear legal guidance, I never lose sight of the fact that behind every case is a person trying to rebuild their life.

Perhaps that is why I believe that family law is, at its heart, about people rather than paperwork. The legal process matters enormously, but how clients are supported through that process can make just as much difference to the way they emerge on the other side.

With time, support and compassion, it is entirely possible to build a future that feels peaceful, hopeful and fulfilling once again.

Read more articles by Susan Harwood.

Read more articles by Woolley & Co Solicitors.

About Susan Harwood

Susan Harwood is a chartered legal executive litigator with Woolley & Co, Solicitors. Based in Helston, Cornwall, she advises clients across the South West, London and internationally on all aspects of family law. With more than 20 years’ experience in family law, Susan specialises in divorce, financial settlements and children matters, with particular expertise in resolving the financial aspects of relationship breakdown. She is especially well known for advising Armed Forces personnel and expatriate clients, and is recognised for her practical, empathetic approach and commitment to resolving disputes constructively wherever possible.

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Splitting Personal Property in Divorce

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Wendi Schuller
Wendi Schuller
Dating Coach
Author of the Global Guide to Divorce

One of the most difficult aspects of divorce can be spitting assets. This can be quite emotional, particularly when treasured items were given to you both as a couple. Over the years. people have shared what works and their biggest regrets.  

Marital Home 

This is tricky – whether one stays and buys the other out, or the place is sold. A concern can be to have less upheaval for children and let them remain in the marital home with one parent.  This can backfire in an acrimonious break-up.  

An example of this is Annabel’s situation. Her husband wanted to remain in the marital home with the two teens. Although her intuition screamed it was a bad idea, she agreed. The kids came home from various after school activities and did not want to leave the house and have dinner with her. The daughter refused visitation, claiming she was too tired. The son ended up going on some weekends and has a good relationship with his mum. 

Annabel found out later in family counselling that John was telling the daughter in particular,  “Your mum left us. She wants a new life.” Her brother blew it off and her daughter believed that they had been abandoned. If they had both relocated some of this drama could have been avoided.   In a friendly divorce, it may not matter about the marital home as it does in a contentious one. 

Joint presents 

When given presents as a couple, divide up property by who gave them. His side or hers when both want the same item. For example, my mum gave us a Waterford chandelier and two light fixtures. My former husband claimed we needed to divide them up between us. She had to put in writing for the solicitors that all three were to be given to me.  

When dividing wedding gifts, I kept things from my side. I separated gifts from his friends and family so he could get those. It is trickier when joint gift money was spent on a painting etc. What some couples do is make a list. What is most important to them and what can they live without.  Also, when there are similar items, each person gets one. This works better when they are able to negotiate.  

Pick your battles 

Division may not seem fair with personal property. In one case, the wife gave expensive collectible coins on various gift-giving occasions, He gave her thoughtful presents in return, many of which were cat or travel themed. They were much appreciated. In the divorce it turned nasty. Seth had a treasure trove he could sell and Pippa did not. Pippa had a decision to make. Should she pursue the disparity between these gifts or let this slide and go after bigger assets. Pippa opted to go after the more important ones, such as stock and splitting his retirement pension. Since John felt he got away with keeping all the old coins he was calmer, when the more important issues came up.   

What you brought into the marriage you can take. This is true even if the value is quite different. If you brought in the designer goods then they are yours.  

During our divorce my husband’s solicitor told me this. “If both parties are unhappy, then I know the division of property was fair. If one person is very happy, then it wasn’t.” 

Read more articles by Wendi Schuller.

About Wendi Schuller

Wendi Schuller is a dating coach who helps people after divorce and break-ups to start dating again.  https://globalguidetodivorce.com  She is a hypnotherapist, NLP practitioner and a nurse. She wrote The Global Guide To Divorce.  

She writes a children’s book series with the latest, Jack Jack The Cat Loose In London. Also The Adventures Of Margo, Girl Detective.w

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Why Divorce Coaching Might be the Missing Piece in Your Separation

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Kate Schenk
Specialist Divorce and Separation Coach

When legal advice and therapy aren’t quite enough, there’s a third kind of support that could change everything.

When you’re going through a separation or divorce, everyone seems to have advice. Your lawyer tells you what’s legally smart. Your therapist helps you process your feelings. Your friends offer opinions over a glass of wine. And yet, despite all of that input, many people find themselves stuck — overwhelmed by decisions, unsure of their next move, and feeling utterly alone in navigating a transition that touches every single part of their life. There’s often a significant gap between the emotional work and the practical decision-making, and that gap is exactly where divorce coaching comes in.

The In-Between Space No One Talks About

Divorce isn’t just a legal process. It isn’t just an emotional journey, either. It’s both, simultaneously, while you’re also trying to co-parent children who are scared and confused, manage a financial situation that’s suddenly become much more complicated, potentially move house, and figure out who you even are without your partner. It’s overwhelming because you’re being asked to make some of the most consequential decisions of your life at the exact moment you’re experiencing some of the most intense emotions of your life.
This is the space no one adequately prepares you for. Your solicitor is focused on protecting your legal interests — as they should be. Your therapist is helping you process grief, anger, and fear in the deeper sense. But neither of them is sitting with you asking: “What do you actually want your life to look like in five years? And what decisions do you need to make this week to move towards that?”
A divorce coach helps you navigate that in-between space. Not as a therapist, and not as a legal advisor, but as the person who helps you take what you’re feeling and turn it into forward movement. The person who helps you make decisions that align with who you’re becoming, not just who you were.

What Makes Divorce Coaching Different

The simplest way to explain the difference is this: therapy helps you understand why you feel the way you do; divorce coaching helps you decide what to do about it. Your therapist might help you work through the deep-rooted anger you feel toward your ex. A divorce coach helps you figure out how to communicate with them about a custody arrangement next Tuesday without that anger derailing the entire conversation.
Divorce coaching is forward-facing and action-oriented. It focuses on the very practical questions that keep you up at night: How do I tell the children? What do I actually need in this settlement — not just financially, but emotionally? How do I respond to my ex’s messages without losing my composure? Should I keep the house, or is holding on to it holding me back? How do I even begin to think about dating again? What boundaries do I need to put in place right now?
But the work doesn’t stop at the practical. A skilled divorce coach also holds space for the bigger, deeper questions that this transition forces to the surface: Who am I outside of this relationship? What do I genuinely want my life to look like? How do I rebuild my confidence after it’s been shaken? What patterns do I need to recognise and break so I don’t repeat the same dynamics in future relationships? These aren’t just nice-to-haves. They’re the questions that determine whether you simply get through your divorce or whether you actually grow through it.

Why Your Inner Circle Isn’t Enough

Your friends love you. Your family wants what’s best for you — or at least, what they believe is best for you. But neither your friends nor your family are objective, and objectivity is precisely what you need right now. Your closest friend might tell you what you want to hear because they can’t bear to watch you suffer. Your mother might project her own fears about financial security onto your every decision. Your brother who went through a difficult divorce might see your situation through the lens of his own unresolved bitterness.
There’s also an invisible time limit on how long the people who love you can hold space for this process. Divorce, particularly when children, property, and complex emotions are involved, can take years to fully resolve. Even the most loving, supportive friend gets tired of hearing about it after a while — even when you’re still living it every single day. The last thing you need is to feel like a burden on top of everything else.
A divorce coach is in your corner without judgement, without fatigue, and without their own emotional investment in your decisions. Having supported many people through this exact process, a coach brings a level of experience and perspective that no friend or family member can offer. They know what tends to work, what commonly goes wrong, and how to help you avoid the pitfalls that make an already difficult transition harder than it needs to be.

The Real Reason Divorce Coaching Matters

Separation is one of the few moments in adult life where you are given, whether you wanted it or not, the opportunity to completely rebuild. To look at the life you were living and ask, honestly, whether it was truly yours. To make choices not based on who you were when you were half of a couple, but based on who you want to become.
That is terrifying, yes. There is real grief in it, real loss, and real uncertainty. No one should minimise that. But inside that terrifying space, there is also extraordinary possibility. Divorce coaching isn’t just about surviving the process — it’s about using this transition as a launchpad for something more authentic, more aligned, and more genuinely yours than anything you had before.
You don’t have to do this alone. And you don’t have to merely survive it. With the right kind of support, you can actually transform through it — and come out the other side not just intact, but more yourself than ever.

10 Action Tips for Navigating Your Separation

Whether you’re at the very beginning of this process or somewhere in the middle, these practical steps can help you move forward with more clarity and confidence.

  1. Separate the legal from the emotional. Your solicitor’s job is to protect your legal interests, not to manage your emotional state. Before any significant legal meeting, spend ten minutes writing down what you want to achieve in that conversation — practically, not emotionally.
  2. Create a decision-free zone. Identify times in your week when you deliberately do not think about your divorce. Your brain needs rest to make good decisions. Even an hour a day of genuine mental distance will improve the quality of your thinking when you re-engage.
  3. Write out what you actually want. Not what you think you deserve, not what your solicitor says you can get — but what would genuinely make your life better over the next ten years. This clarity will guide every negotiation.
  4. Have a script for the difficult conversations. Whether it’s talking to your children, responding to your ex’s messages, or updating your wider family, prepare what you’re going to say in advance. Improvising when emotions are high rarely ends well.
  5. Get financially literate, fast. If your ex managed the finances, now is the time to understand exactly where things stand. Request all statements, know what assets and liabilities exist, and consider a session with an independent financial adviser before your settlement is finalised.
  6. Set boundaries on communication. If messages from your ex throw you off for hours, consider limiting communication to set times and specific platforms. It is entirely reasonable — and often legally advisable — to communicate in writing during proceedings.
  7. Build your support team intentionally. Think of it like assembling a board of advisors: a solicitor, a therapist or counsellor, a financial adviser, and a divorce coach each play a different role. You don’t have to use all of them, but knowing who does what will help you ask the right person the right questions.
  8. Protect your children from the detail. Children need to know they are loved by both parents and that the practical aspects of their life are secure. They do not need to know the contents of your settlement negotiations, what your ex said in a text, or how you really feel about their other parent.
  9. Start building your identity outside the relationship now. Pick up something you gave up during the relationship. Accept the invitation you’d normally decline. Let yourself be curious about who you are when you’re not defined by being someone’s partner. This isn’t distraction — it’s essential work.
  10. Give yourself permission to do this imperfectly. You will not navigate this transition with grace every single day. You will send the message you shouldn’t have, cry in an inconvenient place, or say something to your ex that you regret. That doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re human. Keep going.

About Kate Schenk

Kate Schenk is a specialist divorce and separation coach offering confidential online coaching. Having navigated her own marriage breakdown, illness, and life rebuild — including single parenthood in a close-knit rural community — she brings both professional training and lived experience to her work. Kate helps clients think clearly, grieve honestly, and move forward with dignity, from the privacy of their own home.

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It’s Over, Now What? 5 Core Pillars of Rebuilding After Divorce

Published on
Chris Sweetman
Chris Sweetman
Editor at The Divorce Magazine
Director at Fair Result

Sponsored post by Fair Result.

The ‘Day After’ Clarity

The day after your divorce is final can feel like a whirlwind. Relief, sadness, hope, and anxiety might all swirl together as you step into a future that’s suddenly wide open. If you’re feeling a mix of these emotions, know that you’re not alone. At Fair Result, we understand that the end of a marriage is more than a legal event – it’s a profound life transition. Rebuilding after divorce is not just about picking up the pieces, but about using them to create something new and uniquely yours. Let’s explore how you can do just that with the five pillars of personal renewal.

Pillar 1: Financial Sovereignty

One of the most daunting parts of starting over can be regaining control of your finances. Financial sovereignty isn’t just about making ends meet; it’s about building a foundation that empowers you to live confidently and independently. Here’s how you can take practical steps:

  • Assess Your Finances: Take stock of your income, expenses, debts, and assets. Understanding where you stand is the first step towards taking charge.
  • Set a Realistic Budget: Create a budget that reflects your new circumstances and goals. There’s power in knowing exactly where your money goes.
  • Seek Professional Guidance: If you’re unsure where to start, don’t hesitate to reach out for advice. At Fair Result, our team is here to provide clarity and support, helping you lay a solid financial groundwork for your new life.

Pillar 2: Emotional Reconstruction

Divorce is a loss, and it’s normal to experience a range of emotions – from grief to relief to uncertainty. Rebuilding emotionally is about giving yourself permission to heal and rediscover your sense of self. Here’s what can help:

  • Allow Time for Grief: Processing loss takes time. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or even confused. Let yourself move at your own pace.
  • Reconnect with Yourself: Revisit hobbies, interests, and passions you may have set aside. Rediscovering old joys can spark new meaning.
  • Reach Out for Support: Whether it’s friends, support groups, or a professional counsellor, don’t be afraid to seek help. Fair Result can connect you with trusted partners dedicated to emotional well-being.

Pillar 3: Physical & Environmental Reset

Your physical surroundings and routines play a huge role in your sense of stability. A fresh start can be as simple as rearranging your living space or as significant as establishing healthier habits. Consider these steps:

  • Reclaim Your Space: Make your home reflect your tastes and needs. Even small changes like new bedding or rearranged furniture can create a sense of ownership and comfort.
  • Prioritise Your Health: Gentle exercise, nutritious meals, and regular sleep can dramatically improve your mood and resilience.
  • Manage Stress: Explore stress management techniques such as deep breathing, journalling, or walks in nature to help restore balance.

Pillar 4: Social Realignment

Divorce often shifts social landscapes. Friendships may change, and you might feel uncertain about where you fit. This pillar is about building a supportive network that reflects your new chapter:

  • Evaluate Relationships: Take stock of your current connections. Who uplifts you? Focus on nurturing those bonds.
  • Build New Communities: Join clubs, classes, or volunteering groups. Meeting new people can open doors to unexpected friendships and opportunities.
  • Stay Open: Social realignment takes time. Be patient with yourself and others as you find your footing.

Pillar 5: Future-Self Visioning

A fresh start isn’t just about moving on from the past – it’s about creating a future you’re excited to embrace. Now is the time to imagine, plan, and pursue what truly matters to you:

  • Set Personal Goals: Whether it’s travelling, furthering your education, or trying something completely new, write down your aspirations and take small steps towards them.
  • Create a Bucket List: Make a list of experiences you want to have. Let yourself dream big – this is your chance to explore.
  • Reconnect with Your Values: Reflect on what’s most important to you now. Use these guiding principles to shape your path forward.

The New Chapter

Divorce is not an ending – it’s a new beginning. With the right support and a practical framework, you can rebuild a life that’s not only stable, but vibrant and fulfilling. At Fair Result, we’re here to walk beside you every step of the way, offering guidance, resources, and a compassionate ear. If you’re ready to take the next step or just want to talk through your options, reach out to our team today. Your new chapter starts now – let’s make it the best one yet.

Get in Touch

Call us at 07 500 933 818 or 0333 577 7009

Email peter@fair-result.co.uk or chris@fair-result.co.uk

Read more articles by Chris Sweetman.

About Chris Sweetman

Chris Sweetman is an independent family solicitor and director of Fair Result – An award-winning law office who pride themselves on using innovative ways to help clients through the stress and complications of a marriage breakdown.

Chris can be contacted on 07500933818 or via email chris@fair-result.co.uk.

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Dealing With New Year’s During and Post-Divorce
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Dealing With New Year’s During and Post-Divorce

Published on
Wendi Schuller
Wendi Schuller
Dating Coach
Author of ‘The Global Guide to Divorce’

One may get through the Christmas season with all the parties and business gatherings. Going solo is fine. Holiday decorations and rituals can temporarily distract us from divorce proceedings. Families surround us and can be supportive during this difficult time. The world is lit up by a magnitude of lights and the festive mood is contagious. You might congratulate yourself for making it through the holiday season with your sanity intact.

What may hit you hard is New Year’s Eve and Day. The glittering lights start coming down, making the world a darker place. Things are quieter.  New Year’s Eve like Valentine’s Day, is geared toward couples. They kiss at midnight and usher in the coming year. Restaurants often have packages aimed at twosomes.

Think about how you are feeling

Do you want to be social and around others? Ask your friends what they are doing. They may not have thought of asking you to join them when you are newly single. One friend threw a big party and there were plenty of other singles as guests. If friends are busy on the Eve, then meeting on New Year’s Day may work.

Find out what your relatives are doing. They may be getting together for dinner and watching global festivities on the telly. You can offer to babysit nieces and nephews or friends’ children. Soon after my divorce I watched an acquaintance’s seven-year-old niece. We did crafts, improv acting and more. I got paid a lot that New Year’s Eve to have fun.

Or are you feeling melancholy and want to stay home? You can tell well-meaning friends that you already have plans. Then curl up with an exciting book.  You may be used to living with someone and now they are gone with divorce. Your flat feels empty. If you do not have children, consider adopting a pet. This is companionship when it seems like the rest of the world is out partying. If not ready to make a long-term commitment, consider fostering a cat or dog. Having my cats around me on the couch while watching New Year’s Eve gatherings on television ensures a more pleasurable night. Eating a delectable treat adds to the enjoyment.

What helps some divorced people is to go away over the holidays. I took my sons on a cruise. We celebrated New Year’s Eve sailing around Australia. A friend spent her New Years in India with others in her tour group.

Divorce brings the opportunity to start new traditions

My sons and I skip doing a big meal on New Year’s Day as we did in the past. Instead, we enjoy lunch at a café and then go to the cinema to catch a film. Other divorced friends spend New Year’s Day outside such as skiing. Think of fun activities which you enjoy.

Introspection 

This is the time to reflect on what you want to do in the new year. How are you coping? Do you need to change some strategies? How do you want to celebrate holidays?  Are you feeling lonely? I was feeling lonely around New Year’s Eve during my divorce. Then I thought about my last several ones while still married. Being in an unhappy marriage was worse than celebrating New Year’s Eve when single. A jolt of realization struck me. I do not have to feel lonely I can do what I want and be with upbeat people.

Others have reflected and feel that the holidays are only a few days to get through. They keep normal routines. Do what feels best to you without any guilt. Be by yourself. Be with others. Volunteer. Get in touch with your feelings and go from there.

Read more articles by Wendi Schuller.


About Wendi Schuller

Wendi Schuller is a dating coach who helps people after divorce and break-ups to start dating again.  https://globalguidetodivorce.com  She is a hypnotherapist, NLP practitioner and a nurse. She wrote The Global Guide To Divorce.

She writes a children’s book series with the latest, Jack Jack The Cat Loose In London. Also The Adventures Of Margo, Girl Detective.

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How to Spot if Your Partner is a Narcissist
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How to Spot if Your Partner is a Narcissist

Published on
Claire Chisnall
Claire Chisnall Senior Associate Consilia Legal

Abuse in a marriage or civil partnership can take many different forms, such as physical, sexual, financial and emotional. There are many types of emotional abuse, which are also often referred to as psychological abuse, and this is where the form of abuse is much more complex and can be due to one party having challenging personality traits such as narcissism.

Narcissism is often dismissed as a person being selfish, self-centred or self-absorbed, but this form of abuse is much deeper than that, and how a person uses this to manipulate situations and emotions can develop over many years and can be particularly damaging for the person on the receiving end. It is important to point out that not everyone that behaves badly in a relationship is a narcissist, narcissism is much more than poor behaviour this is a pattern of troubling personality traits which we refer to further below. 

What is narcissism?

Fundamentally, narcissism is a mental health condition called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It is a form of emotional manipulation which can stem from deep-rooted insecurities and a lack of self-esteem but manifests itself in many different ways, and sometimes this is not deliberate or intentional on the part of the perpetrator. Hence, a narcissist may be unaware that they are causing emotional strain on their partner, but on the other hand, some narcissists are aware and use their personality disorder to cause emotional harm. The recipient of narcissistic behaviour can feel trapped and helpless because the primary motivation of a narcissist is to have control and to manipulate, whether this is intentional or not.  

Common signs of narcissistic behaviour

Although all narcissists will behave slightly differently, and of course every relationship is different, there are common traits that you may be able to identify as narcissistic behaviour:

  • A sense of self-importance and entitlement
  • Can’t show any empathy or compassion to you as a victim or any friends or family of yours
  • Generally charming to you initially but will often keep up a charming persona to others 
  • Showing excessive affection and wanting constant communications at the start of a relationship, often called love bombing
  • Being jealous and envious of other relationships you might have
  • Displaying arrogance as a form of low self-esteem
  • Preoccupied by status and wealth 
  • Can demonstrate aggressive tendencies as they can’t regulate their emotions properly
  • Very sensitive to criticism of themselves and can’t tolerate imperfections in other people
  • Prone to publicly humiliating you and making a joke out of it 
  • Can be controlling and very manipulative. 

A narcissist will present with more than one of the above traits, and there are differing levels of narcissistic traits, with some being far more challenging and potentially dangerous. There is generally a pattern of behaviour that develops over time which presents itself as a cycle, where one minute your partner can be loving and the next be very dismissive of you, creating a feeling of rejection resulting in you seeking validation from them. This cycle can be very damaging to your self-worth and self-esteem, especially if this been going on over a long period of time. 

How to identify that your partner is a narcissist

Living with a narcissist can be exhausting and it will feel like you are always questioning yourself. It can also result in you developing low self-esteem and this could manifest itself in stress and anxiety where you feel torn between being loyal to your partner and escaping the situation. It is therefore important that you recognise the narcissistic traits in your partner and act on them. Here we have listed typical scenarios you might recognise:

  • Is your partner always seeking praise and admiration from you or other people?
  • Does your partner act like rules or laws don’t apply to them and that they deserve special treatment? Do they feel untouchable, as if they can do no wrong?
  • Do they like to portray a very charming character in public, but you know this is false?
  • Are they unable to take criticism on board?
  • Do they refuse to take responsibility for their actions?
  • Do they become excessive with flattery, gifts and seek commitment early in a relationship? Or after a fall-out?
  • Are they capable of giving you the silent treatment and stonewalling you for hours? 
  • Do they always make themselves centre of a conversation and show open disinterest in talking about you? 
  • Do they make you feel like nothing you do will ever be good enough?
  • Are they incapable of recognising the needs of you or other people? 
  • Do they act impulsively for attention, and show a reckless disregard for the consequences? 
  • Do they try to gaslight you and twist situations, so you feel like you are always in the wrong?  

Some of these traits are common in a partner and can be dismissed as playful or the normal ups and downs of a relationship. But it is very easy for these behaviours to become excessive and for a pattern to form which becomes abusive behaviour. The objective of the narcissist is to have control and to manipulate situations and emotions for their own benefit, and whether this is intentional or not, it is a form of emotional abuse. 

How to deal with a narcissist

Because a narcissist is hypersensitive, you often find yourself treading on eggshells around them and this makes it difficult to discuss the behaviour with them, and in some cases could result in the abuse taking on another form. If you have concerns about the behaviour of your partner and wish to escape the situation, it is important to speak to family and friends and seek their support. There are numerous resources available for those being subjected to an abusive relationship, such as the Domestic Abuse National helpline. You should take professional advice from an experienced family law solicitor, who will explain what your rights are and how you should approach a divorce and separation, or dissolving a civil partnership, if that is the course of action you have chosen.

About Claire Chisnell

Claire Chisnall, Senior Associate in the Family Team at Consilia Legal. Claire is a highly experienced family lawyer with a broad background across all areas of family law and is recognised for securing excellent outcomes for her clients through her calm, pragmatic approach.

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What to Expect in the Early Stages of Divorce
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What to Expect in the Early Stages of Divorce

Published on
Chris Sweetman
Chris Sweetman
Editor at The Divorce Magazine
Director at Fair Result

Sponsored post by Fair Result.

The Team at Fair Result Provide Clear Guidance and Reassurance for Those Taking the First Steps

Divorce is often viewed as a daunting and overwhelming process, filled with uncertainty and emotional ups and downs. If you are considering separation or have just begun thinking about divorce, understanding what to expect in the early stages can help reduce anxiety and put you on a path towards a fair and practical resolution. At Fair Result, we’re committed to providing fixed-fee legal support, guiding you through each step with clarity and reassurance.

Demystifying Divorce and Our Supportive Role

The idea of divorce can conjure images of lengthy court battles, spiralling costs, and emotional turmoil. The process is often much more straightforward, especially with the right guidance and support. Fair Result is here to help you navigate the early stages with confidence, offering practical advice and transparent, fixed-fee services so you know exactly where you stand.

Initial Considerations: Laying the Groundwork

Before starting the formal process, it’s wise to take some practical steps that will make things smoother later on:

  • Gather Financial Documents: Begin collecting information on your income, savings, debts, pensions, and assets. Having these documents to hand will help your legal advisor give you accurate guidance and ensure a fair division of finances.
  • Plan Childcare and Living Arrangements: Consider where you and your children will live and how childcare will be organised. Early, open conversations about these arrangements can prevent misunderstandings and help maintain stability for everyone involved.
  • Think About Your Priorities: Reflect on what matters most to you, whether it’s minimising disruption for your children, securing your financial future, or achieving an amicable outcome. Being clear on your goals will help your solicitor support you effectively.

Starting the Divorce Process: Filing, Paperwork, and Timelines

Once you’re ready to proceed, the formal divorce process begins with filing a divorce application (sometimes called a petition/application) on the government’s online Divorce Portal. Here’s what to expect:

  • Filing the Application: You can apply online or by post. The application asks for basic details about your marriage and the reasons for divorce, now simplified under “no-fault” divorce rules.
  • Serving Papers: After filing online, your spouse will receive the application and has a set time to respond. This is a straightforward step and does not automatically mean a court appearance is necessary. It is only when your spouse is being difficult and refusing to accept online service of the application that you need process servers to physically serve the application.
  • Timelines: There is a mandatory waiting period (the “cooling off” period) before the conditional order can be granted, designed to give both parties time to reflect. The entire process can takes a minimum of 20 weeks as set out in legislation, but much depends on how quickly agreements are reached about finances and children. Do not apply for the Final Order on divorce until all financial and child arrangements have been agreed upon and set out in a consent order.
  • Paperwork: Most of the paperwork is standardised and can be completed with your solicitor’s help, ensuring nothing is missed and that your interests are protected.

Communication and Mindset: Legal Advice and Staying Calm

One of the best things you can do early on is to seek legal advice from a specialist. An experienced solicitor will explain your rights and options in plain English, helping you make informed decisions from the outset. At Fair Result, we believe a calm, practical mindset is invaluable. Try to approach discussions with your spouse about children, money, or living arrangements constructively. Remember, most issues can be resolved without confrontation, especially when both sides are informed and supported.

Fixed-Fee Support: Predictable Costs in Stressful Times

Uncertainty about legal fees can add to the stress of divorce. That’s why Fair Result offers fixed-fee packages, so you always know what to expect. With a clear price from the start, you can focus on what matters most, your family and your future, without worrying about spiralling costs or unpleasant surprises. Fixed-fee support gives you peace of mind and helps you stay in control at every stage.

Common Misconceptions: Busting Divorce Myths

Many people fear that divorce inevitably means a bitter court battle, but this is rarely the case. Most divorces are settled amicably through negotiation and agreement, without ever stepping foot in a courtroom. Other myths such as one partner always “winning” or the process dragging on for years are simply not true. With professional advice and a willingness to communicate, most couples can reach a fair settlement efficiently and respectfully.

Emotional and Practical Realities: Setting Expectations

There’s no denying that divorce brings emotional challenges, from sadness and frustration to relief and hope. It’s normal to feel a wide range of emotions, and seeking support from friends, family, or professional counsellors can be invaluable. On the practical side, be prepared for some changes to your daily routines, finances, and living arrangements. With the right support and a clear plan, these adjustments become far more manageable, helping you move forward with confidence.

Take the First Step with Fair Result

Starting divorce proceedings can feel overwhelming, but you don’t have to face it alone. By taking practical steps, seeking early advice, and choosing a fixed-fee partner like Fair Result, you can reduce uncertainty and make informed choices for your future. If you’re considering divorce or have questions about the process, contact Fair Result today for clear, supportive, and cost-effective guidance tailored to your needs. We’re here to help you achieve a fair result, every step of the way.

Get in Touch

Call us at 07 500 933 818 or 0333 577 7009

Email peter@fair-result.co.uk or chris@fair-result.co.uk

Read more articles by Chris Sweetman.

About Chris Sweetman

Chris Sweetman is an independent family solicitor and director of Fair Result – An award-winning law office who pride themselves on using innovative ways to help clients through the stress and complications of a marriage breakdown.

Chris can be contacted on 07500933818 or via email chris@fair-result.co.uk.

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Our Relationship is Over: What Do I Do Now?
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Our Relationship is Over: What Do I Do Now?

Published on
James Pirrie
James Pirrie
Director at
Family Law in Partnership

Let’s not sugar coat it, this question “what do I do now?” (at the moment you know you will separate) is the single most important question you will answer in this whole chapter of your life. There will be a lot of other questions that you will be coming to, but get this one right and you should be able to avoid the unreasonable positioning and exhausting demands of a slow process that will cost eye-watering amounts, to achieve to your best possible outcome.  

Here are my ten top tips from helping clients through this part of their lives for the past forty-something years.

1. Ensure you are safe 

Ensure your safety and the safety of your children.  If there is a risk to this then it will dictate how you address the rest of these tips.

Safety at the end of a relationship is a whole topic on its own and planning for it will depend on your situation.  In controlling relationships, it is likely that a whole range of strategies will have been put in place around you by your prospective ex, with the intention of making it impossible for you to go.  The single most important thing is to reach the realisation that yes you are going to leave – it is then about getting the support to manage your way out of the maze. If you need help to leave safely, there are amazing organisations that can help you manage a safe exit.  Everything follows from this.

2. Manage your emergencies

In the same way, some separations have emergencies – personal safety is the most important.  Others can include:

  • jurisdictional races (where one of you could start proceedings in a different country, you may need to act quickly to ensure your divorce takes place where your needs and those of the children will be met favourably)
  • a child being taken abroad to separate them from you (child abduction)
  • information or assets being hidden or disposed of 
  • your being isolated from funds.

Some of these you can address in part – or at least make easier – but many of them are going to require immediate professional help, probably from a solicitor.

The rest of the “to-dos” are subject to emergencies – sometimes you won’t have time to plan your best path, you will feel bounced around by circumstance. Just carry on trying your best, accepting where you are and planning from there. 

3. Consider couple counselling

If there are no safety concerns, this is a consideration that you should not skate past. I have worked for too many people who have said their ex has come back to them some years down the road saying “I got it wrong – I don’t know what I was thinking- is there a way back for us?”. For me that points to a missed opportunity for some serious conversation around what was not working in the relationship and each person’s capacity for change. Of course, the result may still be that you decide to separate, but talking things through a counsellor is also likely to reassure and make for better progress if you do decide to part. 

4. Be kind if you can

So often, perhaps when people come to me midway through, they seem to be in a terrible situation, which they are finding hard to understand. There might be brutality around disclosure or how the finances are being managed for the interim or how arrangements are being set around the children. It is all a bit destructive and aimless, which is a surprise as they’re decent people. So, what went wrong?  Well usually it is about how things started.  

Actions like deception and adultery matter (see my blog here on this very point) – perhaps not to the professionals who know the courts don’t care, but they really matter to the person being deceived and to their kids when they find out.  Brutal and sharp separations are like throwing a huge slab of concrete into a small pond – the splash and ripples are going to play havoc for a while and in unexpected ways.  Stepping out slowly and gently with empathy respect and understanding, can help everyone get through to the smart choices more quickly.

5. Start early

It follows that planning and starting early is usually a positive too, you can pace things more calmly. You don’t find yourself suddenly desperate that it all has to be sorted by the weekend. (That “I have just had it up to here” moment). It also means that you are less likely to be bounced into the “well I am leaving you” discussion at the worst of times in the heat of an argument.  These things are going to be tough and thinking about how to do it in the best way, in the calm, will pay dividends.

6. Get support

All of that is going to point towards you getting individual support.  So many  people say “I don’t need that fluffy stuff …” or “we are not getting back together”. But that is not what this is about. It is about understanding where your ex is and what they are going through. It is about helping you to think of this from their side to be able to move things on in the best way possible. It is tough.  It is practical. It is also short term and goal-oriented.

Find the right support and you will be challenged to do this well, but also supported to do so.  That’s why I recommend that you get professional support – not just support from your mates or family:

This is the other response to my recommendation of professional expertise is “well I am talking to my friends.” The problem with relying solely on friends and family is that:

  • They care too much and as such, are likely to operate like an echo chamber for you: they want to be supportive and are likely to tell you what they think you want to hear – which is not always what you need to hear
  • They may bring their own unresolved personal issues to the conversation and that is not helpful 
  • They don’t have the training to help you process everything in a constructive way 
  • Their advice is likely to be on the hoof, quick answers without the depth of consideration that is really needed
  • You may find yourself managing your choices to keep them satisfied.

Without meaning to cast aspersions on your inner circle, you are also sharing confidences with them which may well be shared with others. 

I could go on but in essence, therapists are likely to be the most valuable in monetary terms. Find the right one and use them.

7. Think and write

So you know you are going to need to get some advice and guidance (how else are you going to have the anchor of knowing your rights and obligations – how else would you recognise a good deal?). Lawyers charge by time and will read a well-organised briefing way quicker than they can ask questions and you answer them. Many firms will have an information gatherer on their website. If you want to get the most from your time with a lawyer and keep costs time, you would prepare:

  • A balance sheet of where you are now:
    •  who is in the family and who are the relatives and important other people in your lives
    • all the dates and details that are going to be needed such as when the relationship started, was formalised and ended
    • and yes those financial numbers all pinned down so far as known. 
    • In addition there will be descriptions of what is going on – what everyone is like; how are your children doing, pictures etc.  
  • An account of how you got here this is likely to take in your families of origin, education, careers, first homes, challenges and so on
  • And then the quick fire document for a first call: The super brief summary and a clear vision of what you want and what you think are the hurdles to getting there.

Indeed sometimes I think that this last piece of knowing what you are needing is the single most important piece of work that will be in your briefing for the next step.

8. Find the right professional

This can feel like a minefield. There are directories ranking legal professionals, but they may not be your best starting point.  What you are likely to want is that skilled professional whom you trust because they get you and their values resonate with yours, simple as that.  

When you are researching there will be lots of focus on who does what process and your head can spin with the terms likely to be coming at you:  negotiation/ collaborative/ co-operative/ one lawyer/ together/ amicable/ litigation/ mediation/ child inclusion/ hybrid/ integrative, but that shouldn’t be your worry: Your job is to be clear about your needs (those hurdles you identified at stage 7), not the process (which is what the professional brings to accommodate them). It is the professional’s job to show that they have heard you and to explain their recommendation.  If you are convinced, you have the start of your plan. If you are not then say so – if you are not heard, you may not be in the right room so think about moving on now.  

It is why you might do well to choose a professional who is serious about all the different ways of doing things – it will ensure you are presented with all the options. Many lawyers will only have one qualification, permitting them to negotiate your case  with the court as a fall back and the court is the last place most people want to end up.  If your lawyer doesn’t know, isn’t familiar with and doesn’t use collaborative, mediation or arbitration  then just have in mind that these ways that might suit you better will probably not be on the menu for discussion.

9. Be brave …ish

Sitting down to talk with your ex may be absolutely the last thing you want to do, and of course you shouldn’t compromise safety, but for most people, a professionally assisted conversation with a neutral person (likely to be in mediation – but potentially “one lawyer”) is likely to be the fast route to finding the best solution. Your ex is likely to have a view of what they think the outcome should be and they are going to hang onto it until you can show that you have heard them. It is much harder to do this if your discussion is via letters and emails being fired between lawyers from their respective trenches a seeming “safe” distance away from each other.

The right mediator will help you both to manage a safe and productive conversation even in difficult situations. There would be an assessment and  intake process (called “a MIAM”, standing for Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting) when you can gather an understanding of what mediation would be like and talk through whether it is for you. In fact, you are required in most situations to have this meeting even if you wanted ultimately to go to court and I would encourage you to enter this meeting with an open mind as there is a lot of flexibility in mediation and other processes which may mean they are better for you.

10. Think kids

So obvious you may say it didn’t need saying. Where you have children, they are likely to be the lens through which all of this is viewed, you will consider your children:

  • when you take steps to start
  • in how you manage the relationship with your ex (because you are usually going to be co-parenting long term so you will not want to lay waste to how you talk to each other)
  • in the choices you make (for example the geography of your homes and family-friendly career-choices)
  • in the timing of any new relationship
  • in how you work out care and decision making: your children are part of each of you, they need safe arrangements to have a relationship with each of you if possible – and ideally each of you supporting the other to be the best parent you can be.

There is a lot to consider and it is all too easy to delay. But whether this relationship is your future or not is for you to decide and in your heart you will know the answer to that (especially if you have been through tip 3).  

If this relationship is not working and can’t be made to work, it is unlikely to be the best example of “adult relationships” for your kids, but beyond this, please don’t become that person I see so regularly who says “now I know about it all, I should have done this a decade ago, it would have been better for everyone.”

Read more articles by James Pirrie.

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About James Pirrie

James Pirrie is a Director of Family Law in Partnership, a highly regarded law firm based in London, which specialises in de-escalating conflict in family law.  He is an Arbitrator, Family Solicitor and Mediator accredited in child-inclusive mediation.

James is driven to improve long term outcomes for families who are experiencing separation or divorce.  He is credited with introducing collaborative law to the UK and with changing how children’s needs are addressed during family breakdown through the Parenting after Parting initiative.

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