co-parenting tips

toxic parenting and children

Toxic Parenting and Children of Divorce

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

One of the difficult things about divorce is that, as a parent, you still have to continue parenting while you go through all those difficult and challenging emotions.

Unfortunately, there are parents who find it hard to differentiate their own feelings of anger, vengeance and hurt from the feelings that of their children are experiencing and lose focus of how their behaviour maybe affecting their little ones.

Truth is children need both parents, unless of course there are genuine concerns around safety.

Did you know that having fathers in your child’s life increases their chances to a better life as an adult?

Here is what to look out for in toxic parenting and children:

Remember that the divorce itself is a really important event in your child’s life but how you handle it is what matters most.

Here are some questions that you need to ask yourself if you’r wondering if you are practising toxic parenting or if you know someone who is:

– Are you making your child choose, in any way, between you and your ex partner?

– Do you involve your child in adult matters?

– Do you use your child as a messenger or mediator to pass on messages between the two of you? Do you try to use your child to fix a situation?

– Do you speak disparagingly about the other parent in front of your child or within ear shot? Have you embarked on a campaign of denigration with the aim of alienating the other parent?

– Do you use your child as a spy by questioning them about their time away with the other parent?

– Do you holding your child hostage from the other parent? Or are you Interrupting the relationship between your child and the other parent?

– Do you harm your ex in front of the children of within earshot of them? Be it verbally or physically?

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Toxic parents

Mitigating the Effects of Toxic Parents Post-divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

In the majority of cases, former spouses are able to co-parent peacefully together for the good of their children.

They put aside any animosity for the well-being of their kids and set about the task of moving on in their own lives.

Yes, there are some bumps in the road, but learning how to negotiate goes a long way in smoothing out these situations.

In rare circumstances, one parent has a personality disorder in which their conscience or morality is faulty.

There are ways to counterbalance the influence of a toxic parent or toxic parents after divorce.

My older son said that the most important measure which helped him was volunteering.

My sons heard so many negatives that helping needy people and animals took the focus off them and onto how they could make the world a better place.

We took supplies to hospitals in Asia and feline medications to a cat clinic in the Cook Islands. At home my sons volunteered with animals, at a homeless shelter, and tutoring youngsters in chess.

toxic parents
Volunteering offset the message that people are not important, and I in particular.

Helping others is very rewarding and they enjoy doing so. Volunteering connects your children to others and connection is what a parent with a personality disorder lacks.

As an added bonus, being of service to others fosters a work ethic for future jobs. It also teaches kids to get along with people of different cultures, ages, and classes, which is necessary in this global economy.

Another aspect to help children not follow in a parent’s self-centeredness is by traveling and meeting folks from different cultures. They see others with their eyes and form their own impressions. This reduces prejudice, even if the other parent spouts vile opinions of others not in her ethnic group.

We went to a Muslim country soon after 9/11 and the warmth and kindness my boys received made a lasting impression. Children are less likely to be judgemental when they have enjoyed the hospitality of people in different lands, no matter what others may be saying about them.

Helping children connect to their spiritual side diminishes the effects of antagonistic remarks made by the other parent. Whether this is going to church or appreciating the beauty of nature, the children then have something outside of themselves. My son enjoys singing in the choir and my friend delights in gazing at the ocean. Whatever feels right to you is fine.

Remember to give your kids extra cuddles.

A toxic parent may not be affectionate, but rather more aloof. Reassure your kids that you will always be there for them. A dysfunctional parent may play mind games, make empty promises, and attempt to use the kids in a tug of war.

Do not get involved in these battles and get a third party to intervene if necessary.

The important thing is to be a constant presence in your kids’ lives and give unconditional love. Have clear boundaries, expectations, and consequences when these are violated. The kids know where they stand with you.

Consider having the kids check in with a children’s divorce coach to ensure that they are thriving and not just surviving.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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