co-parenting advice - Page 4

Mutual Parenting After Divorce: Putting Children First
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Mutual Parenting After Divorce: Putting Children First

Published on
Noel McDermott
Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

It’s clear that staying together for the sake of the kids is no longer something we believe in.

In the UK, divorce rates are high (42% of marriages end up in divorce), and this is not likely to drop.

The question is then, what is best for our kids?

As a general rule what we do is more important than what we say and indeed much therapy in relationships is about getting people to look at actions not words; in our actions are our truths. This is never more so than in our parenting practice.

Modelling healthy behaviours around relationships and relationship breakups is of vital importance for our kids.

Children see a lot more than you think and see much less of what you imagine.

They are egocentric and look for their needs to be met. Around their family the core needs are, love, consistency and them being central to family life. The advice that follows relates to situations in which there is no danger to yourself or your children from the behaviour of your ex, such as situations of domestic abuse.

Safety of yourself and your kids are the most important issues there and the best thing you can do is get police and legal help to get away safely.

Putting Children First

If you are going through a breakup with your partner and have children, the key rule is to organise the breakup in a child centric way, to ensure you put them first during the process, that their needs for love and safety are met. Not by saying that it is important, but by showing it is important.

Some golden rules in navigating a child centred breakup:

  • Never trash talk your ex or soon to be ex around your kids.
  • Don’t put your children in a position to have to make choices about who they can be loyal to.
  • If possible, show affection and kindness to each other in front of your kids, even if this is painful. Maybe agree a script and touch boundaries.
  • Be honest with your kids about being sad about the breakup if that is true for you but explain that this happens between adults.
  • Try, if possible, to have ‘family’ events.
  • Think about blended family events if one person has another relationship.

Keep communication going

In parenting the key thing is ongoing communication between the parents and this is even more important between co-parents who are not sharing a physical home together.

A very close second to this is parents not undermining each other or allowing themselves to be played off against each other. Kids need consistency in the parenting they receive, and a breakup is no reason to fall down on this. It’s maybe better to rid yourself of the idea that you are breaking up because in many ways you are not. You will have a couple relationship for the life of your kids even into their adult relationships, but the boundaries will shift away from the sexual intimacy and house sharing for example. Although that is important to you, it shouldn’t have much impact on children if you maintain a loving and friendly co-parenting relationship.

There are key messages in all of this for your kids which are crucial for them for the whole of their lives:

  • They remain the most important thing in their parents’ lives.
  • Their parents are able to put their needs first and as divorce and breakup is likely for them, they can use this modelling in their later lives with their own kids.
  • Love relationships can survive change and remain healthy and strong when the boundaries change radically.

Successful co-parenting

The evidence for successful co-parenting is beyond challenge these days and if you manage to navigate it successfully there will be no damage to your children’s’ life outcomes.

Whilst divorce is still listed as an ACE (adverse childhood experience), it is more about how the divorce is navigated and it’s more correct to say a messy and acrimonious divorce is an ACE.

About Noel McDermott

Noel McDermott is the Founder of Mental Health Works Ltd. He has created unique, mental health services in the independent sector. Noel’s company offer at-home mental health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised care teams for the individual. They have recently launched a range of online therapy resources to help clients access help without leaving home.

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Five Ways Co-Parents Can Improve Their Communication
Photo by taylor hernandez on Unsplash.

Five Ways Co-Parents Can Improve Their Communication

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

Reduce your stress levels and work as a high functioning team.

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

– H.Jackson Brown Jr

My ex-husband was the poster boy for staying cool, calm, and collected. It always seemed like nothing could rattle him. In fifteen years of knowing him, I’d only ever seen him really angry once.

In fact, he used to tell me that I had a temper and would belittle me if I ever got angry or upset. That’s the way they were in his family. It wasn’t acceptable to show anything other than a polite smile.

So when I saw him completely lose control and throw a bowl through our bay window during the last months of our marriage, I was shocked.

It highlighted to me just how much stress the end of a relationship will put people under, even those who are very good at hiding their emotions.

Conflict is inevitable when you’re going through a separation, especially when you throw co-parenting into the mix. Our ex knows us inside and out, and they know exactly how to trigger the hurt in us, whether intentionally or by accident.

Nothing brings out our stress and fear more than the thought that our kids might be caught in the middle of something that isn’t good for their emotional well-being.

If your marriage is ending, there’s a high chance you were experiencing a communication breakdown and could not make each other see what you needed. With separation and co-parenting, the need to become a better communicator is even more critical.

Each couple is unique in terms of their communication skills. There may be one person who is level-headed and can keep their cool. One of you may find it easier to rise above the need to be right over keeping the peace.

Whatever you’re dealing with, wherever you are starting from, there is always room to improve your communication skills and make it easier on yourself, your kids, and your ex-spouse.

The primary goal of any communication should be to hear what your ex is saying and find outcomes that are in the best interests of everyone, including you.

Making sacrifices shouldn’t fall on the shoulders of one person. It’s a team effort.

Why is good communication so important?

Think about it. Once you separate from your spouse, you are now in a working relationship. The role is to parent your children the best way that you can.

Imagine a workplace where the employees didn’t talk, or they started getting upset or yelling every time they spoke. They’d be unlikely to produce good ‘results’. In this case, confident, settled children.

If you’re wanting to improve communication with your ex-spouse, here are five ways you can make working together more effective:

  1. Choose your timing

Fatigue is the enemy of good communication. Effective communication requires a lot of brain power, and emotional energy saps our bodies. If you feel exhausted after an intense talk, you’re not alone. It’s completely normal to feel that way.

I remember when my ex-husband and I went to couples therapy, and I would come out feeling absolutely drained. Just the look on his face made me want to crawl into bed and sleep for days.

Talking about things your partner may not receive well takes a lot of energy. Ditto having to hear some harsh truths from their end as well.

There are always good and bad times to try and have a challenging conversation. If you’ve just walked in the door from a hard day at work or been struggling with one of your kids about something, that’s not the best time to contact your ex.

If you’ve been out the night before and are feeling worse for wear, I would avoid all contact with your ex under those circumstances if possible.

  1. Put the phone down

These days most communication is done through instant messaging or texting. The issue with this is an immediate response is right at our fingertips. The fingers fly when we are feeling attacked, hurt, or self-righteous.

Arguing through texts is never a great idea. Context can very quickly get lost, and reactions are instant.

If you find yourself emotionally triggered by something you’ve read in a text, try putting your phone down and walking away. Find something you can do for 15–30 minutes. Set a timer on your phone, and commit to not responding until the timer has gone off.

  1. Is it urgent?

Ask yourself if you need to respond immediately. Many times we react to something purely because someone has sent us something. We don’t stop to ask ourselves, ‘Do I need to answer this text/email/voice message straight away?’.

If not, give yourself time to mull over the message and how you would like to respond.

  1. Speak quietly

There is power in speaking quietly. Your instinct might be to raise your voice when you feel like you aren’t being heard. It feels counter-intuitive, but talking loudly reduces the chances that you’ll get your point across effectively.

Once you start to raise your voice during a discussion, you have lost the willingness of your audience to listen. All your ex hears is someone yelling at them, and their cortisol levels rise. When cortisol increases, the brain loses the ability to process what is being heard properly.

When you think of it that way, you realize that yelling is pointless.

If you get to a point where you feel like you have to raise your voice to be heard, take a time out. Reschedule the conversation for another time.

  1. Use digital communication

Face-to-face interactions can be far more challenging than digital communication. Each mode has pros and cons.

However, the main benefit of emailing is that you get to take stock and think about your reply before sending it. You can then re-read your writing and tweak it if you need to. Take out any unnecessary information and stick solely to the subject.

Take things one day at a time

Treat each interaction like a data-gathering exercise in the first months of co-parenting. Learn what methods of communication work best for you and for your ex-spouse. Make it a priority to become a co-parent who can be an open, curious team player.

There will always be those times when Murphy’s Law kicks in, and anything that can go wrong will go wrong. You’ll find yourself in a conversation that ambushes you out of nowhere and end up in an argument.

This happened to me recently after ten years of great communication. My ex and I started to disagree about holiday plans for the kids over text. I told him that I would give him a call in an hour to talk about it in person.

When I got hold of him, he had calmed down and we managed to sort it out rationally without arguing.

In the past, I would have entered into a back-and-forth with my own reasons about why I felt I was right, but these days I trust my ability to stay calm and talk it through assertively. I can hear my ex out and, at the same time, stand my ground where I need to.

It’s a delicate balance and one that comes with time and practice.

Takeaway

Quality communication is an essential part of successful co-parenting. Learning effective ways to interact with your ex strengthens the working relationship and reduces your stress levels.

Less stress means you’ll be able to function at a higher level and show up consistently for your kids, career, friends, and family, and most importantly, yourself.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

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Is There Any Way of 'Forcing' a Non-Residential Parent to See His/Her Children?
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Is There Any Way of ‘Forcing’ a Non-Residential Parent to See His/Her Children?

Published on
Megan Bennie
Megan Bennie
Family Law Solicitor
Furley Page

For many co-parents, one of the most challenging aspects of separated parenting is when one parent does not choose to spend as much time with their child as the other parent thinks they ought to.   In some cases, a parent may not see their child at all, whether through choice or circumstance.

The short answer to the question of whether a parent can be forced to spend time with their child, which I know will be disappointing for a lot of parents, is no.  If a parent will not spend time with their child, then they cannot be forced to do so.   The courts are not prepared to make orders forcing contact, and it is difficult to see if and how such an order could be enforced, or whether such an order would be beneficial or productive.

It is worth remembering that even if one parent chooses not to see their child, they will still have a responsibility to make child maintenance payments and an application can be made to the Child Maintenance Service if it cannot be agreed directly.

However, where there is already an arrangement in place, by virtue of agreement or a court order, if the arrangement falters, there are steps that can be taken.

There will inevitably be circumstances in which contact does not take place for a period.  For example, illness, holidays, or other life circumstances. Where the change to the contact arrangement is tackled in a way that is sensitive to a child’s needs and courteous to the other parent, this need not be a major issue.

However, in circumstances where the withdrawal from contact/the relationship is for a prolonged period or comes suddenly with no explanation, it can leave children feeling let down, confused and as if they are not a priority.

It can also be distressing for the parent trying to facilitate the contact to see their child upset, and they may feel their efforts are not appreciated, leading to further breakdown in the relationship between the parents.  In such circumstances it may be more appropriate to look at how contact is structured and assess whether a different arrangement might benefit the child and promote contact, allowing for greater consistency.

There are many process options available for these discussions. For example, this could be addressed directly with the other parent, at mediation, by instructing a solicitor or, if all else fails, by making an application to the court:

  • What level is contact set at? The court will bear in mind what is going to be achievable for parents and children.  A parent who struggles to maintain a relationship with very regular contact sessions might be able to achieve less frequent contact, but if that contact is better quality – or actually takes place rather than being cancelled – it could be better for the child involved.
  • By what means is contact taking place? The parent-child relationship may be better maintained by means other than direct face-to-face contact time. Telephone or video calls could bridge the gap, or a parent in difficult circumstances might be able to accommodate those where spending time together in person simply isn’t possible.

For children who might have faced disappointment in the past through repeated or last-minute cancellations, calls or letters might fit more easily into their existing routine and limit the disruption they face, while still maintaining a relationship with the parent they don’t live with.

The age and capability of a child, as well as the effect and perception of any previous issues with contact, are important factors to consider.  What suits one child and promotes positive contact in a particular set of circumstances may not be suitable for another child or another set of circumstances.

If all else fails, the threat that future contact could be reduced can be a ‘stick rather than carrot’ approach to ensuring contact does go ahead.  The court can threaten to or even actually reduce contact, sometimes quite significantly, if it is apparent such a change is in the best interests of the child in question.  However, it would be exceedingly rare to have an order for no contact at all: the court tends to leave a door open for a parent/child relationship to continue except in the most severe of circumstances.

If you have questions about any aspects of child arrangements, whatever your situation, please do feel free to get in touch so one of the team of family law experts at Furley Page can help.

Contact Megan Bennie, Associate Solicitor in Furley Page’s family law team on 01227 763939 or email MEB@furleypage.co.uk.

Read more articles by Furley Page.

About Megan Bennie

Megan Bennie is an Associate in the family law team Furley Page.

Megan joined the team in 2021, having gained valuable previous experience at specialist family law firms featured in the Legal 500 directory.

Megan advises on all aspects of relationship breakdown, whether divorce or separation, including in relation to civil partnerships, dealing with issues such as the appropriate division of finances.

Megan also assists couples seeking to formalise arrangements through pre and post nuptial agreements and cohabitation (or living together) agreements. She can also assist with legal issues arising when cohabitation comes to an end whether there is a cohabitation agreement in place or not.

Megan can provide legal advice on a wide range of areas relating to children including arrangements for contact and who a child lives with, where a child lives (including relocation to another jurisdiction) and in relation to special guardianship and adoption.

Megan is primarily based at the Chatham office but is also available for meetings at either the Canterbury or Whitstable office.

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Dealing with an Aggressive Co-parent

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

It is a challenge to co-parent with an aggressive person post-divorce.

They may have difficulties letting go when they are not on duty. They attempt to parent from afar, thus complicating your life.

Prevention is the way to go if still in divorce negotiations. Get an extremely detailed Parenting Plan which spells out exactly when each parent has the children and addresses how school holidays are split.

An aggressive ex-spouse is less likely to walk all over you when you can point out that an issue is already covered in the Parenting Plan.

Some individuals have trouble letting go and accepting that the other parent is in charge of the youngsters part-time.

This is where setting boundaries is important. If the aggressive parent is bombarding the kids with phone calls or texts during your time, set limits. To avoid them getting defensive, say “How about we each limit contact with the kids to once a day?” Or “Instead of us calling the boys when not with them, let them initiate contact.”

When the suggestion goes both ways, it makes in more impersonal.

Try to think about the other parent’s motivation with their actions. Are they aggressive in other situations, such as on the job or is it only with you after divorce?  If you are the main target, then their behaviour may be due to anger and hostility.

Perhaps meet on neutral territory, such as in a coffee shop or café, to discuss what is going on with them. If that person feels that they are really being listened to, that in itself can lead to a better post-divorce relationship.

The other parent may micromanage as part of their nature. Coming up with a daily schedule for meals, naps and bedtimes that you both use, can reduce their need for control. They may become more relaxed when the kids’ routine is in sync at both houses.

A therapist stated that when there is an aggressive parent, the children can be caught in the crossfire.

An aggressive parent may use the children as a weapon to score a point in a perceived battle of wits. Remind this individual that co-parenting is about putting the children first. Say “I feel that the girls are affected by our disagreements. Let’s act in a calmer manner for their sake.”

Keep the focus on the youngsters, when the aggressive one may be starting a verbal attack. Redirect them back to what is best for your offspring.

One teacher has this suggestion when dealing with an aggressive parent. Each one has X number of minutes to talk uninterrupted.

Then the other parent has the same amount of time for their turn. This prevents the aggressor from butting in and cutting off the other parent before they are through expressing their views.

If a dialogue with the other parent is not working, ask them to go to a mediator with you. A session can get the situation on track and reduce stress. If the other parent refuses to meet with a third party, go alone to a divorce coach.

The coach will help come up with specific strategies for dealing with your co-parent. Make sure that you have your own support system to get you through the turbulent times and see the lighter side of life.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Co-parenting Advice for Divorced Dads

Top 10 Co-parenting Advice for Divorced Dads – Managing that 6 Percent Gap

Published on
W. Eric Croomes
W. Eric Croomes
Author and
Transformation Coach

In the jurisdiction where I live, my co-parent and I split the time with our son fifty-three to forty-seven percent.

Although it varies in different municipalities, here it works to about a six percent gap.

The Six Percent Rule is focused on redirecting your energy toward effectively managing the gap between non-custodial time and your time.

The key to remember is when you remain focused and positive, you are not just making great inroads during the time the child is actually in your care, but you are also managing the six-percent gap in between your time and the mother’s time.

Following the six percent rule will enhance your parenting experience; it will make your time with your child or children more productive.

Most of all, it will give you credence with your offspring as you navigate the choppy waters of co-parenting (read: you will look like the parent taking the high road).

So, if you are a dad and you are co-parenting a child with a hostile mother, follow these motivators to do what is best for the child or children.

Here are ten simple maxims to manage the Six Percent Gap:

1. Focus on Priorities: always stay focused on the priorities; don’t waste time on the superficial stuff; don’t get into miniscule arguments that end up wasting your energy and time.

2. Bend but Don’t Break: be ready to compromise; your child can learn a lot from you about school yard and classroom citizenship when you do this.

3. Influence not Control: it is virtually impossible to ‘control’ a child who is a product of two households; focus instead on influencing the action you’d like to produce.

4. Use Panoramic Lessons: use the larger lessons of life to influence your child in the direction you want them to go; don’t be afraid to use storytelling, metaphor and art to enhance your point.

5. Eliminate the Negative: as much as you possibly can, accentuate the positive and stay away from the negative; say something positive about the mother – even if you don’t believe it!

6. Bridle your Ego: don’t let your ego become the main attraction; suppress it and move on; there are bigger fish to fry.

7. Set the Context: both of the parental relationship and with the child and do it with positive parameters. You are going to have to make up in your mind that you are going to respond positively – no matter what!

8. Execute Lateral Negotiation. never negotiate up or down; if you are a co-conservator, act like one! Proceed from your place of power.

9. Choose Your Battles Wisely: every battle is not a war; choose your conflicts wisely; sometimes it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie.

10. Always give your Best: you may not always have the best to give but you can always give your best; never say ‘I can’t get him because I don’t have any money’; trust in your power; trust that the universal supply.

Raising a child is hard in and of itself, but when you manage by the Six Percent Rule, it’s a lot easier.

(Article first published on thyblackman.com)

 

About Eric Croomes

Eric Croomes is native of Phoenix, Arizona and is founder and chief executive coach of Infinite Strategies LLC, a multi-level coaching firm that develops and executes strategies for fitness training, youth achievement and lifestyle management.

Eric is an author, fitness professional, holistic life coach and motivational speaker.

His two books, Dance in the Dark, Poetic Reflections on Love and Culture (The Apple Tree Group, 2002) and Brotha2Brotha, Becoming Healthy Men from the Inside Out (The Apple Tree Group, 2006), were nominated in 2007 for a literary award and deal primarily with relationships, personal achievement and empowerment.

Eric is also a contributing author to the book No Glory Without a Story, released in May, 2010.   Life’s A Gym: Seven Fitness Principles to Get the Best of Both is Eric’s third solo effort and was released as an eBook in September, 2015.

He is also founder and director of Their Eyes Were Watching Daddy, a non-profit empowerment and mentoring group for teens and single-dads.

Certifications and Licenses

Certified Personal Trainer, National Federation Professional Trainers

Certified Holistic Lifestyle Coach, John Spencer Ellis Institute

Certified Motivational Speaker, IAP Career College

Licensed Baptist Minister

Member, International Toastmasters

Contact Information

Cell: 214.493.2875

Email: askcoacheric@outlook.com

Facebook: W. Eric Croomes and Americas Life Trainer

Twitter: @LifeTrainerEric

LinkedIn: W. Eric Croomes

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Five Essential Steps to Support your Children During Divorce or Separation

Published on

That you and your ex are going through a breakup is a huge deal for your children no matter what age including infants and toddlers.

One thing you need to know about infants is that not only are they extremely sensitive to their environment but they are also very much aware when someone, whom they have been seeing frequently, is no longer available or present. (There is plenty to say about the 0 – 3 year olds and divorce but that’s a whole other article).

The thing with divorce or separation is that it is one of those times when your parenting skills and abilities are tested to the limit!

Here you are busy going through a hellish, challenging time that is possibly preoccupying your every thought and time of your day, while simultaneously being expected to be the best parent you can ever be because your children need you to show up even more.

Here’s how you can do that in 5 essential steps:

Listen, understand and love: One of the first important elements of divorce or separation is to acknowledge and accept that the break-up will affect your child.  How much will depend on how you and the other parent deal with it and with each other.

Really listen to your children when they speak. Are there any recurring themes that they are not directly asking or talking to you about? Is there a particular game that your young child plays over and over again that might be divorce-related?

One six-year-old would dress her dolls up ready to go out when their dad came to pick them up.  He never showed.

It is ok and actually recommended that you tell them that you understand that this is not an easy time for them and keep telling them that you love them and that you are there for them.

Show them love as often as possible. This doesn’t mean spending long blocks of time with them, a hug here and there, kind words and positive attention can go a long, long way.

Communicate: Answer their questions. During the divorce process, children will have questions about the divorce or separation. They will want to know how it will affect their lives. What is going to change?

Speak frankly and honestly with them but avoid involving them in adult matters or providing them with unnecessary hurtful details.

Without answers, children will allow their imagination to provide them with explanations and interpretations that they so need and we all know who imaginative children can be. If they ask you a question that you have no answer to, then tell them so.

Self-observe: This is a tough time that you are all going through. You will make parenting mistakes, not one but a few.

Being aware of your feelings, thoughts,  words and actions can help you deal with and react to most things that come your way. Are you alienating the other parent by what you say and do while the children are present? Are you being civil with the other parent or able to put your own feelings aside for the sake of the children?

Did you know that your thoughts affect your feelings which then affect your behaviour? These three parts of you are so intertwined that not feeling a certain way due to a thought you have had is almost impossible which then means that you will behave or react to that thought in a way that correlates with the thought.

So be mindful of your feelings, thoughts and actions – in what you say and what you – do especially if your children are present or within earshot.

Seek professional help and support: When you are not sure, ask. Ask a professional for support and guidance. This is definitely not the time to try and do things yourself.  Have a psychotherapist or counsellor work with you and if you are struggling with behavioural problems with your child, work with a parenting practitioner to help you continue parenting your child positively through this time.

Be your child’s compass: Remember that you are not your child’s only influence so you better be the best.  As mentioned earlier, this is the time that your children will need you the most – someone to guide them and keep their lives as steady as possible.

Keep them in the fold and bring them back with they wander off – very common with teenagers. They will look to you for what’s right and if they cannot find it, they might look elsewhere.

As I often say, divorce or separation will always be an important time in your child’s life,  but what is even more crucial is how you and your ex handle the divorce process and your lives after separation. Let it be an experience they went through at some point in their lives. Don’t allow it to become an experience that defines them and their future adult relationships.

ABOUT SOILA

Soila is a graduate member of the British Psychological Society, a Parenting Practitioner, an accredited Triple P practitioner, a Certified Trauma Specialist and a trained Family Mediator.  She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.

Soila is the founder of The Davis Centre and The Divorce Magazine.

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Reduce Half-term Friction

Co-parenting Children of Divorce and Separation – How Cooperation can Reduce Half-term Friction

Published on
Kate Banerjee
Partner and Head of the Children Department
Jones Myers Family Law Solicitors

Half-term holidays can spark the onset of headaches for many divorced and separated parents.

The perennial argument over who gets the children – and when – can be further exacerbated by work patterns and domestic arrangements.

Common issues include full time working fathers being unable to arrange days off when colleagues are also requesting leave – sparking mothers’ concerns that their children will be put in Kids’ Clubs or left with a new partner.

Similarly, a parent who works from home or does not work is better placed to justify having the children than their commuting ex.

With increasing family and work demands putting leisure time at a premium, rifts and tensions result in some couples ending up back in court. Here are some tips to reduce the emotional strain of half term.

  1. Set objectives: just as in the wider context of separation and divorce, start with seeking to achieve what is best for the children, despite your feelings or grievances. Genuinely strive for what will make them happiest, don’t criticise your ex in front of them – and avoid asking them directly or indirectly to take sides.
  1. Be flexible: accept that children will want to see as much of both their parents, their grandparents, wider family and their friends as possible. It falls to both parents to try to achieve this – and if it means that you end up spending less time with your children this half-term, discuss it reasonably with your ex to make up for it in the next one.
  1. Communicate regularly: talk to each other and plan ahead – giving you time to agree on and organise logistics, such as travel, seeing wider family and grandparents’ access.
  1. Keep the children updated on what’s happening: they like certainty and security so let them know as far in advance as possible about half-term arrangements. This will help them adjust to the unexpected and, hopefully, present a scenario they can look forward to.

If you really can’t reach agreement with your ex, mediation is a far less stressful, more cost-effective option than a return to court.

About Kate Banerjee

Kate, Head of the Children Department at Leeds and London based Jones Myers, is highly skilled in cases relating to children including contact and residence disputes. She specialises in child protection law and is a Member of the Child Care Panel with experience representing parents, guardians, Local Authorities and children.

As well as working regionally and nationally, Kate has considerable expertise in international child abduction cases and is a Member of the International Child Abduction and Custody Unit.

Kate has “Higher Court Rights,” something fewer than 2,500 solicitors have in England and Wales, which enables her to offer clients an all-round litigation service.

 

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Sue Atkins - Parenting Coach

Sue Atkins on Co-parenting over Christmas

Published on
Sue Atkins
Sue Atkins
Parenting Coach

I had the pleasure of  interviewing Sue Atkins on co-parenting over Christmas.

Sue is a regular on the flagship award winning “This Morning” Show on ITV  with Holly Willoughby and Philip Scofield and on BBC Breakfast television, The Jeremy Vine Show on BBC Radio 2.

We focused on children of divorce and divorced parents’ first christmas and their life after divorce.

Sue Atkins has written books on parenting, some of which are truly one of the best books on parenting and how to raise kids.

In this interview Sue talks about the first christmas after divorce. Her tips include preparing for the Christmas day itself so you do not get caught alone and/wondering what to do.

Christmas is an emotional time so pre-empt it and remember that looking after yourself first so as you can cope with divorce and the Christmas is absolutely vital if you are to have the strength, stamina and paitence to deal with the children.

She talks about keeping it simple and asking yourself, “What do my children need from me during this time?”

Appreciate what you have now and appreciate that you don’t have to live through another difficult Christmas.

Why not create your own Christmas tradition? One that suits you and your children as you embark on a new life after divorce?

Sue Atkins suggests that you think of your first Christmas after divorce as a process not an event and at this t ime you are probably at the beginning or divorce process.

So have a little something that symbolises where you are trying to get to, maybe a photo or image of where you want to be in the near future.

Sue Atkins’s tips on how to manage the co-parenting during Christmas are brilliant.  She doesn’t purpote that it will be easy, but it’s definitely not impossible to have a good enough Christmas as you start your new life after divorce.

 

Sue Atkins is a Parenting Expert, Writer, Speaker, Broadcaster and Parenting Coach & Mum as well as the author of the Amazon best selling books “Parenting Made Easy – How to Raise Happy Children” & ‘Raising Happy Children for Dummies’ one in the famous black and yellow series as well as the author of the highly acclaimed Parenting Made Easy MP3s and CDs and Workbooks and The Secrets To Well Behaved Kids App

Sue Atkins also regularly appear on the flagship award winning “This Morning” Show on ITV  with Holly Willoughby and Philip Scofield, BBC Breakfast television, The Jeremy Vine Show on BBC Radio 2  and she has her own regular “Ask Sue” Parenting  Q & A phone- in on BBC Radio Surrey and Sussex once a month.

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Trouble Seeing your Children

Divorce Parents and Visitation Rights

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

It is maddening, not to mention illegal when one parent prevents the other one from seeing their children.

Studies indicate that children do better academically and with their behaviour when both parents are in the picture. The key is to remedy this situation and reconnect with the kids as soon as possible.

Hindering visitation is violating the parenting plan and has legal ramifications. Being behind in child support is not a reason to be banned from contact with the little ones.

Document. Document. Document. This is crucial in building a case, particularly when taking legal action. Save all texts, voice and e-mails and jot down the times and dates of conversations. Keep records of any contact with your ex.

Some parents have a calendar which they write on when they have visitation and when they have been blocked from it.

Try to communicate and work with your former partner on why visitation is being disrupted. Let them know that you are willing to listen to their concerns.

Could there be any validity to their accusations – that you are chronically late returning the youngsters or sometimes cancel at the last minute?

See if it is possible to negotiate a new visitation agreement that meets the kids’ needs in a better way. Remember the goal of shared care time is what is in the best interests of the children – not the parents.

If you are told that the kids do not want to see you, remind the co-parent that visitation is to take place unless legally stopped.

Parental alienation may be happening with the other parent lying or telling the kids that you stopped contact. Parental alienation’s goal is to turn the children away from the absent parent and get him/her to go away.

Go to the Cafcass officer or to your mediator/solicitor to take legal action and have visitation enforced. Petition the court to have the kids see a therapist or divorce coach for possible parental alienation and to discuss their concerns in this divorce situation.

Talking to a neutral third party is beneficial for the kids especially when they have been told lies which damaged their relationship with you.

Are there mutual friends that can intervene or let the children know that both parents love them? Are you on good terms with any former in-laws who may be able to knock some sense into the other parent’s head?

Consider if the other parent is a flight risk, especially if they are from a country outside of the EU. It may be prudent to discuss this with passport control and a solicitor to prevent the other parent from kidnapping the kids and going into hiding.

Make sure to take care of yourself and your health. It may be helpful to discuss your frustration with a divorce coach. Maintain your social network to provide support for you during this trying time. Exercise is a great way to release anxiety. Nurture yourself so you have the energy to pursue action and reunite with your children.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Children of divorce

Co-Parenting Advice: The Hits and Misses

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

A relationship between two parents does not stop after the divorce papers and parenting plan are signed.

Recognize that the co-parenting relationship is a process which evolves into something different in the post-divorce period.

Serena is divorced with two young daughters and thought the relationship with their father would just fall into its own natural rhythm. She assumed that they would naturally know how to communicate and was surprised when this did not happen.

There were triggers that set them each off and she learned to go on and mistakes will happen. What improved communication was ceasing phone calls and doing most of it by text. Texting enabled it to be more impersonal and helped Serena to delete emotion from the content.

Understanding that males and females have different styles of communication, allows Serena to just present facts or a simple request without a long story. One time she wanted the girls returned two hours later, but gave a detailed reason why. Her ex was fine with the request itself, but became embroiled in the reason for it, and they had an argument.

Serena has tips for raising children in two households and being on the same page with their other parent.

Keep kids out of your dating/sex life.

When married, her four year old was the one who broke the news of her husband’s affair (Daddy loves your friend and she loves Daddy).

Post-divorce they agreed to wait at least three months before introducing a new love interest to the children. She was floored when this same child talked about Daddy’s new girlfriend that he met last week and what a great cat and dog she has. Then the father took the youngsters on a camping trip with Amy, a week or so later, during which the adults had some private time in their tent.

co-parenting advice
Co-parenting advice: Save sex for when the kids are not right there.

Save sex for when the kids are not right there.

Serena met Amy at her daughters’ school faire. Her ex put his hand down inside Amy’s trousers on her bum, in front of many children. At least at family and school events, Serena suggests having decorum.

School events are a time when both parents want to see their kids. Recognize your comfort zone and whether you want to sit together or not. Serena realized that the girls are happy to have their parents in the audience and their seating arrangement is unimportant.

Decide on the importance of school attendance. Serena got a call from school one day asking why her daughters were not there. Serena is a teacher and became very upset. Her ex had taken the girls camping over a bank holiday which happened to be on his birthday. He did not ask/inform Serena that he was keeping the girls from school for a day.

Have pick up/drop off in a neutral location, such as the kids’ school.

Serena allowed their father to come over on some mornings, fix the girls breakfast and get them off to school when he had visitation. Serena had to be at her school early before her daughters’ classes started, so it seemed like this was a good arrangement.

She was caught in the façade of “happy family” and this delayed getting over her ex and marriage. Her wounds were raw from her ex’s infidelity and seeing him moving around her house made them feel worse.

A clean break would have been the best for moving on.

When Serena instigated the school for the exchanges, it made such a difference for her.

Energetically the house feels 100% hers (previously the marital home), now that her ex no longer comes over there. For shared care, they have a large carrier bag that contains jackets and other items that go between houses. Otherwise, they have clothes at each house.

In the past, Serena and her former spouse got together on holidays with the girls. There was tension between them and friction with each other’s extended families. It helps that Serena is Christian and her ex is Jewish, so there are less compromises to make regarding the religious days.

Her daughters are asking to have more time with their mother and Serena rues that the mediator set up 50/50 shared time. She is going back to the mediator to work with their father to get a schedule with less transitions and more time at her house. Serena is happy that her girls have a close relationship with their father and feels that co-parenting is getting a little easier as time goes by.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Parenting Children of Divorce

Published on
Penny Mansfield CBE Director of OnePlusOne
Penny Mansfield CBE Director of OnePlusOne

For many, the initial months following a separation or divorce are some of the most painful and difficult they will experience.

When you add children to the equation, it can be difficult to cope with day-to-day life, let alone the enormous task of orchestrating shared childcare arrangements for the next five, 10 or 15 years.

In this haze of hurt feelings and self-doubt, the term co-parenting may be hard to accept – yet another thing that you aren’t doing right – but in reality it is just a way of helping you communicate better with your ex about the important decisions in your child’s life.

Whether you are at the beginning of this difficult process, or right in the thick of it, these six steps to successfully parenting children of divorce can help you ensure that your health, and that of your children, remains paramount.

Don’t create a ‘villain’ – There may be a rage burning inside you that’s hotter than a thousand suns, but there is never a good reason to share that rage with your children.

You might have excellent reason to be angry with your ex partner, and you are well within your rights to both feel and express those emotions, but there is a time and a place, far away from little impressionable ears.

By criticising or blaming their other parent you are only punishing your child; they will always love their Mum and Dad, and the healthier their relationship is with both of you, the healthier and happier they will be.

Even if you think your ex is a ‘bad parent’, it is your responsibility to support and encourage that relationship, for the sake of the kids.

Use a parenting plan – There are a number of different kinds of parenting plans available – Splitting Up? Put Kids First might be a good place to start – and they are especially effective for those finding it difficult to communicate.

Plans can be used to manage and monitor child-care arrangements, negotiate compromises, or just organise your own thoughts.

Online services are particularly useful for those who can’t even be in the same room as their ex, as all decisions can be made remotely and emotions are less likely to impact judgement.

The best thing about a parenting plan is that it focuses your attention onto the well-being of your children, and separates childcare arrangements from all the other messy stuff.

Online services are particularly useful for those who can’t even be in the same room as their ex.

Talk to friends and family – As highlighted in Step 1, it is completely natural to feel angry, depressed, guilty, jealous, insecure, and a dozen other extreme emotions at this time, even if you are sure you have made the right decision.

While keeping conflict away from your children, it is really important that you share your feelings with someone, and take as long as you need to grieve for the relationship you have lost.

For some this might mean seeing a professional counsellor, for others it will mean making an extra effort to see friends and family and being really honest about your feelings.

Crying, shouting and dramatically tearing up photographs is OK! They will understand. Bottling things up, or punishing yourself for your emotions, will only make matters worse. Own your feelings – they are nothing to be ashamed of.

Be kind to yourself – Probably a tip to be heeded by everyone, whether going through separation or otherwise.

So often we forget to look after ourselves, and extend the same kindness to our own bodies and minds that we do to those we care for.

Whether you enjoy a long hot bath, a game of golf, or a fancy meal, it’s really important that you give yourself a break and a ‘treat’ when going through a difficult time.

Treats like nine pints, family-sized chocolate bars and expensive shopping channel sprees are not ideal – this is about caring for yourself, in the same considerate way that you care for your children.

Compromise for everyone’s sake – Co-parenting is not a competition and sometimes, as with any relationship, you might have to agree to a decision that was not your first choice. Anger, resentment and pride can make separated parents feel as though they must fight to the death over every detail of childcare arrangements, but if you always put the needs of the children first, then these disagreements can usually be turned into compromises.

If there is something that you absolutely cannot agree on, you could try to suggest a completely new option, one that neither of you feels ownership over. Remember that your parenting plan is not set in stone, and things will change and grow over time, so agreeing to a less than ideal arrangement now is not necessarily permanent.

Take a deep breath – When emotions are running this high, it can be almost impossible to hear someone else’s point of view over the sound of your own teeth grinding, but you have to really listen to your ex partner in order to make the best possible decisions for your kids.

The above mentioned parenting plan has some useful videos to help improve communication during difficult conversations.

You can also try the ‘uninterrupted’ technique, in which you each have a few minutes to speak while the other person stays completely silent and listens. This is often easier said than done, but actively listening instead of concocting your comeback allows for a much more frank and constructive discussion so that you and your ex can settle the issue at hand and move forward.

Though these steps are a guide, nobody is perfect, and we all hit speed-bumps during difficult times. Forgive yourself freely for (often self-identified) mistakes made along the way, and try to remember that things will get better in time, especially if you and your ex partner focus on the children’s future instead of what has happened in the past.

Follow on twitter  @OnePlusOne

www.oneplusone.org.uk

About Penny Mansfied

Penny Mansfield CBE, is Director of OnePlusOne, a UK research charity that helps strengthen relationships.

She is a sociologist specialising in qualitative research on marriage and couple relationships and on evidence-based practice and policy. She is a frequent speaker at conferences and a regular contributor to both print and broadcast media.  She is also a member of the Department of Health Expert Group for the Healthy Child Programme and of the Department for Work and Pension’s Ministerial Steering Group for family support services.

For more information and help in getting your parenting plan together or amended to suit all of you go to – www.splittingup-putkidsfirst.org.uk

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Toxic parents

Mitigating the Effects of Toxic Parents Post-divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

In the majority of cases, former spouses are able to co-parent peacefully together for the good of their children.

They put aside any animosity for the well-being of their kids and set about the task of moving on in their own lives.

Yes, there are some bumps in the road, but learning how to negotiate goes a long way in smoothing out these situations.

In rare circumstances, one parent has a personality disorder in which their conscience or morality is faulty.

There are ways to counterbalance the influence of a toxic parent or toxic parents after divorce.

My older son said that the most important measure which helped him was volunteering.

My sons heard so many negatives that helping needy people and animals took the focus off them and onto how they could make the world a better place.

We took supplies to hospitals in Asia and feline medications to a cat clinic in the Cook Islands. At home my sons volunteered with animals, at a homeless shelter, and tutoring youngsters in chess.

toxic parents
Volunteering offset the message that people are not important, and I in particular.

Helping others is very rewarding and they enjoy doing so. Volunteering connects your children to others and connection is what a parent with a personality disorder lacks.

As an added bonus, being of service to others fosters a work ethic for future jobs. It also teaches kids to get along with people of different cultures, ages, and classes, which is necessary in this global economy.

Another aspect to help children not follow in a parent’s self-centeredness is by traveling and meeting folks from different cultures. They see others with their eyes and form their own impressions. This reduces prejudice, even if the other parent spouts vile opinions of others not in her ethnic group.

We went to a Muslim country soon after 9/11 and the warmth and kindness my boys received made a lasting impression. Children are less likely to be judgemental when they have enjoyed the hospitality of people in different lands, no matter what others may be saying about them.

Helping children connect to their spiritual side diminishes the effects of antagonistic remarks made by the other parent. Whether this is going to church or appreciating the beauty of nature, the children then have something outside of themselves. My son enjoys singing in the choir and my friend delights in gazing at the ocean. Whatever feels right to you is fine.

Remember to give your kids extra cuddles.

A toxic parent may not be affectionate, but rather more aloof. Reassure your kids that you will always be there for them. A dysfunctional parent may play mind games, make empty promises, and attempt to use the kids in a tug of war.

Do not get involved in these battles and get a third party to intervene if necessary.

The important thing is to be a constant presence in your kids’ lives and give unconditional love. Have clear boundaries, expectations, and consequences when these are violated. The kids know where they stand with you.

Consider having the kids check in with a children’s divorce coach to ensure that they are thriving and not just surviving.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Don’t forget to subscribe to our youtube channel www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk  today

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