co-parenting advice - Page 2

Right to Flight: Warning Issued Over Parental Holiday Permission
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Right to Flight: Warning Issued Over Parental Holiday Permission

Published on
Natasha Aspinall
Natasha Aspinall
Family & Matrimonial Solicitor
Brindley Twist Tafft & James LLP

A growing number of parents with children from previous relationships incorrectly assume they have an automatic right to take the whole family on holiday, warns leading law firm Brindley Twist Tafft & James.

A couple planning to take a stepchild on a break may not realise they need the other biological parent’s consent if both parents share Parental Responsibility, a legal term surrounding the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities, and authorities a parent has in relation to a child under the law.

All mothers will automatically have Parental Responsibility together with fathers who are registered on the birth certificate. They will not lose it if they are divorced or the civil partnership is dissolved.

The issue is growing in importance with the increase in the number of ‘blended’ families, where each partner has children from a previous relationship. Roughly 1.1 million children in England and Wales live in blended families, according to UK Government figures.

Family & Matrimonial Solicitor, Natasha Aspinall at leading law firm Brindley Twist Tafft & James, says there is a common misconception that those who hold Parental Responsibility in relation to their child or children automatically have a right to take their child abroad.

“This is incorrect,” she said. “The term Parental Responsibility attempts to focus on the parents’ duties toward their child rather than the parents’ rights over the child.

“The general day-to-day decisions should be made by the parent with whom the children reside without interference from the other parent, subject to any additional provisions.  Important decisions regarding a child, such as taking a child abroad for an extended stay for example, need to be made by everyone with Parental Responsibility for the child.

“If a blended family wants to go on a break, it’s generally necessary to obtain the other parent’s agreement. If the biological parent doesn’t agree, you might need to apply to the court for permission. No one wants to discover this when the bags are waiting by the doorway and the airport taxi is booked.

“What time each parent is to spend with a child is to be agreed between the parties and if an agreement cannot be reached then either party will need to make an application to the court for a Child Arrangements Order (CAO).”

A CAO is a legally binding court order in the UK that specifies where a child will live, who they will spend time with, and the nature of that contact. The court will expect the parties to have engaged in mediation before the application is made.

“CAOs let each parent, as well as their new partners, know where they stand and prevent misunderstandings and disagreement, leading to more stability for the child,” Natasha adds. “It also helps ease any uncertainty for the parent that does not live with the child by alleviating any anxiety they may have about feeling like the ‘lesser’ parent.”

Read more articles by Brindley Twist Tafft & James Solicitors.

About Natasha Aspinall

Natasha qualified as a Solicitor in 2003. She joined Brindley Twist Tafft & James LLP in our Family & Matrimonial department in November 2022, based out of our Balsall Common office. Natasha joins us from a local Solicitors firm where she worked as Head of the Family Law department for the last 5 years.

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Strengthening Family Bonds Post Divorce
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Strengthening Family Bonds Post Divorce

Published on
Despina Mavridou
Despina Mavridou
Author, Mediator, Lawyer

I’m not a psychologist or therapist, so I won’t give you professional advice on how to strengthen family bonds after divorce. But what I can offer is my own experience, as a child whose parents didn’t manage to keep those bonds alive. And I can tell you from the heart: it matters more than you think.

My parents didn’t just stop speaking, they only spoke to fight. Not to communicate, not to listen, and definitely not to put their children’s needs first. It was their own egos, pain, and frustration that took over. And as a result, my relationship with my dad, and with his side of the family, especially my grandparents, deteriorated more with each passing year.

At the beginning (i.e., the first month), it seemed like things would be okay. But very quickly, everything fell apart.

My mum began telling us the divorce was my dad’s fault. She said his parents never supported her. Then my dad started saying he didn’t have enough money to support us and moved in with the girlfriend he had left my mother for. His parents pushed to stay in our lives, while my mum’s family was firmly against them.

The myth of the “good girl” I had grown up with — the girl who pleased everyone — was now completely confused. What did I have to do to keep that title, when my world no longer made sense?

How do you think a 13, 14, or 15-year-old girl is supposed to handle a situation like that? Or my little sister, who was only 6, 7, or 8 at the time?

It was a real nightmare. And it left wounds I carried for years, wounds that shaped the way I saw love, trust, and family.

That’s why I’m sharing this. To show just how important it is to protect the family bonds after divorce. Because for children, it’s almost impossible to truly hate one of their parents — unless they’ve been exposed to violence or abuse. Children need both parents. And deep down, they know they are half Mum and half Dad. Forcing them to hate one parent is like asking them to reject part of themselves.

As a woman, I can now understand how hard it must have been for my mum — the betrayal, the financial pressure, the loss of trust. My dad constantly complained that he couldn’t afford to support us. But here’s the truth: when you give money to your ex, you’re not supporting them, you’re supporting your children. It’s a way to show up for your kids.

Communication between my parents was almost nonexistent. It felt like they were speaking two entirely different languages. And what I remember most as a child was the confusion, the frustration, the fear of abandonment, and the trauma of living in a family that could no longer function.

Kids need both parents in their lives. So whatever you do, you have to find a way to communicate, even if it’s only about the basics.

Think of it like starting a job you hate, working under a boss you dislike. But quitting isn’t an option because you need the income. Would you find a way to communicate? Probably, yes. So why not do the same for the most important part of your life, your children?

And please, don’t badmouth the other parent in front of your children. These comments may make you feel good for two seconds, like a small emotional win, but they leave deep, invisible scars on your child. Scars they may carry silently for years, even a lifetime.

You need to work on creating a sense of coexistence, enough to attend school events, graduations, and birthday parties together without conflict and without your children fearing that if they invite both parents, there will be a fight or it will feel awkward. One way to get there is by working on yourself, ideally with the support of a therapist or coach.

Put yourself in your child’s shoes. Avoid running from difficult conversations. Avoid trying to “save money” by withholding support, because in doing that, you’re not hurting your ex. You’re hurting your child.

Learn to accept yourself, and the other parent, with all the mistakes included.

Is it easy? Oh my God, no — it’s not easy at all.

But kids don’t have the tools or maturity to deal with a broken family when the adults can’t even speak. You do. You are the adult in the room. And if you don’t step up, the message your children receive is that love fails, marriage is doomed, and if it doesn’t work out, they are somehow less worthy.

That’s a burden they will carry into their own relationships — unless you break the cycle.

I’ve seen families thrive after divorce — truly thrive. And what they had in common was that each parent worked through their emotions separately, rather than using the children as weapons or messengers.

I know some ex-partners can make things extremely difficult. It takes two to rebuild parallel lives with respect and boundaries. But in the end, every hard conversation you have, every ounce of restraint you show, is something you do not just for your kids, but for yourself.

Because the greatest gift you can give your children post-divorce isn’t a perfect life, it’s a peaceful one. And the chance to grow into an adult who isn’t burdened by unresolved divorce trauma.

Read more articles by Despina Mavridou.

About Despina Mavridou

My name is Despina Mavridou. I am an author, a mediator and a lawyer in Greece.

I experienced the negative effects of divorce due to my parents’ separation when I was ten years old. For many years I was in the middle of their fights, trying to find a balance. When I was approx. 17 years old, I decided that I didn’t want to see my dad anymore. This cost me my relationship with him for more than 20 years (we have reunited recently).

After many years working as a lawyer, in the last four years I discovered mediation and also my passion for writing. For this reason, I left my job as a lawyer to concentrate on my passion.

My first published book is titled Mum, Dad, Can you hear me? and it is partially based on my personal story. I always wanted to share certain things with my parents to make them understand how I was feeling about their divorce.

Moreover, working as a mediator in family dispute issues, I saw how difficult it is for parents to get in their kid’s shoes.

The specific book Mum, Dad Can you hear me? serves dual purpose.

On one hand I want to help children understand that divorce is not the end of the world and that they can have both parents in their lives.

On the other hand, I want to help parents see divorce through the eyes of a ten-year-old girl to better understand the thoughts, needs and feelings of children and how important it is for them to have both parents in their lives.

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Understanding Parental Rights in the UK
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Understanding Parental Rights in the UK

Published on
Akwal Ryatt
Akwal Ryatt
Head of Family Law
Tyler Hoffman Solicitors

Getting divorced can be complicated for couples with children, as decisions must be made regarding where each child lives, how much time they spend with each parent, and other aspects of their care. The matter of parental rights may also come into question, particularly if the parents were not married when the child was born. A father may not automatically have parental responsibility for a child under these circumstances, which can affect their rights during divorce proceedings.

There are important legal and procedural steps that parents should take during divorce proceedings to preserve their role in their child’s life, and to maintain the ability to make decisions about their care, their living arrangements and other important aspects of their life. These rights do not automatically change due to divorce, but the court may become involved if there is a dispute about how they are exercised, and it is important to protect yourself.

Here, the experienced divorce solicitors at Tyler Hoffman explain how parental responsibility is established, how it affects the rights of each parent during a divorce and how to secure a Child Arrangements Order.

What is parental responsibility?

‘Parental responsibility’ refers to the legal rights, duties, powers and authority a parent has for a child. It includes the right to make decisions about education, religion, medical treatment and day-to-day care. A child’s birth mother will have parental responsibility automatically, and any Parental Responsibility Orders issued by the court will name any other people who have a say in these decisions.

A father’s legal rights generally depend on whether he has parental responsibility, which can be crucial when making child arrangements during the divorce process. A father automatically has parental responsibility if he was married to the child’s mother at the time of birth or subsequently, or if he is listed on the birth certificate (for children born after 1 December 2003 in England and Wales). You should speak to experienced paternity lawyers about whether you have parental responsibility if you have any concerns. Adoptive or foster parents may also have this responsibility, although it can be worthwhile to confirm this with a solicitor.

If either party does not have parental responsibility, they apply to the court for it using a Parental Responsibility Order or by entering into a Parental Responsibility Agreement with the child’s birth mother.

What is the role of a Child Arrangements Order?

A Child Arrangements Order is a legally binding court order that outlines how a child’s care will be structured following a divorce or separation. It becomes necessary if parents cannot reach an informal agreement (such as a Parenting Plan) about how child care arrangements will be managed. The order offers a legally binding decision on:

  • Residency: where and with whom the child will live
  • Contact: when and how they see the other parent
  • Whether a shared care arrangement is appropriate.

Either parent can apply to the court to put an order in place, and guardians or others with parental responsibility may also be able to apply, although certain parties will need permission from the court before they can apply for a Child Arrangements Order.

You may also need to attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) before the family court will consider a Child Arrangements Order. A MIAM is an opportunity to resolve the issue without involving the court, and can help the parties in a divorce to reach an informal resolution. However, if mediation doesn’t work or is not suitable, either parent can apply to the family court for a Child Arrangements Order.

This will usually result in court hearings where a judge can review evidence from both parties and make a decision on final arrangements. An officer from the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service may conduct safeguarding checks and recommend arrangements based on the child’s welfare. The court makes decisions based on what it believes will be best for the child, including their wishes and feelings, the impact of any changes in circumstances and which parent is most able to meet their practical, emotional and educational needs.

Parents can also apply for a Specific Issue Order to resolve a particular dispute, or a Prohibited Steps Order to prevent the other parent from taking certain actions without permission. This is often used in cases where one parent decides to relocate, or if there is a dispute about schooling.

What does a Child Arrangements Order mean for parental rights?

Unlike an informal agreement, a Child Arrangements Order can be enforced by the court, which gives parents a degree of additional protection and ensures that the agreement remains in place. If one parent breaches the order, the other can apply to the court to enforce it. In response, the court can impose penalties, including warnings, enforcement orders (including unpaid work orders) and the need to pay compensation for financial losses.

While there is a risk in letting the court decide, courts generally support regular, meaningful contact with both parents unless there is clear evidence that such contact would harm the child. Speak to an experienced family law solicitor for guidance on navigating this process, and make sure to keep records of all contact and communication with other parties involved in the divorce to give yourself the best chance of a favourable outcome from any legal process.

About Akwal Ryatt

Akwal Ryatt is the head of Family Law at Tyler Hoffman Solicitors, and is an accomplished Chartered Legal Executive with an extensive career spanning over 28 years. With a compassionate approach, Akwal is characterised by her profound expertise in family law areas including divorce, separations, Child Arrangement Orders, Financial Remedy Orders and more.

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Keeping Divorce Pain Out of Parenting
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Keeping Divorce Pain Out of Parenting

Published on
Johanna Lynn
Johanna Lynn
Founder
The Family Imprint Institute

When your child does or says something that reminds you of their other parent, it can stir up all kinds of mixed emotions. A certain expression, a way of laughing, or a habit that is unmistakably their other parent. In those moments, it can be easy to get pulled into fear, frustration or unresolved hurt.

Sitting back with your cup of tea in hand, you remember your choice that the love for your children has to be the guiding force through all of this, even when resentment, exhaustion, or heartache threaten to take over.

Divorce reshapes everything. One home becomes two. The quiet of shared evenings now echoes with the absence of the other parent. And the children—caught in the in-between—look to you for answers. They don’t ask outright, but they watch, listen, absorb. Their sense of security hinges on how you navigate this new landscape.

What I’ve observed in my almost 20 years in my practice is that divorce can become a battlefield, with children unwittingly caught in the crossfire. It’s tempting, in a moment of frustration, to let a sigh escape when their other parent is late again. To roll your eyes when they rave about the fun weekend they had with them. To let your disappointment seep into conversations meant to be neutral.

The truth is, your pain in this relationship ending is yours to carry, not theirs.

Your children don’t need to know about the arguments over who forgot to send the backpack or the text messages left unanswered. They shouldn’t have to decode passive-aggressive comments or feel the tension created when they mention their other parent’s name.

Children do best when they can love both parents without hesitation, without guilt, without fear or feeling like they need to have an alliance with one parent, leaving out the other.

You may have every reason to be angry, still carrying wounds that feel impossible to heal. What is also true at the same time is that for your child, their other parent is someone they love, someone who is a part of their world. And for their wellbeing, having access to both parents without tension or conflict will make all the difference in their lives.

That means keeping what belongs between you and your co-parent exactly where it should stay—between the two of you. When the tension rises, take a deep breath before responding. If the other parent fails to follow through, handle it without dragging your child into the disappointment.

It’s natural that there will be times you want to make sense of all that happened, find a friend, a therapist, a journal—anything but your child’s open, impressionable heart. They are not your allies in the war of who is the better parent. They are simply your children, and they need to be allowed to love both of their parents.

That doesn’t mean ignoring reality. Children are perceptive, and they know when things have changed. Acknowledge their feelings without making them carry yours. “I know it’s different now. I know you miss how things used to be.” Remind them that Mum and Dad will always agree on is loving you. Make it clear “You don’t have to choose. You are loved—fully, completely—by both of us.”

Your child will one day grow up and form their own conclusions about both parents. Let those conclusions be built on their experiences, not on the whispers of resentment they picked up over the years. Give them the gift of a childhood where they were free to love openly, without the burden of carrying someone else’s pain.

Co-parenting is not about proving who is the better parent. It’s about giving your child the stability they need to thrive in a world that has already shifted beneath their feet.

So when they come home talking about the amazing trip they had with their other parent, smile. Let them be excited. Let them know their happiness is never a betrayal. When they struggle with the changes, be the place where they can land softly, without judgment, without expectation, just love.

The greatest gift you can give your child after divorce isn’t a flawless parenting schedule. It’s the freedom to love both parents without the pressure to choose sides, that is something that will stay with them far beyond childhood into who they become as adults, into the relationships they build, and into the way they show up in the world.

Read more articles by Johanna Lynn.

About  Johanna Lynn

Johanna Lynn is the founder of The Family Imprint Institute with over 20 years of experience. She specialises in supporting individuals navigating divorce, helping them uncover the root causes behind their separation. Johanna uses innovative mind-body techniques to illuminate how family dynamics influence relationships, providing clients with deep insights, clarity and healing.

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5 Tips for Managing Your Child's Expenses Post Divorce
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5 Tips for Managing Your Child’s Expenses Post Divorce

Published on
Zarira Love
Zarira Love
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

Divorce leads to major changes in your finances. You might pay thousands for solicitor and court fees. With one income leaving your home, you’ll likely incur new expenses like child care if a parent will no longer be at home to care for the children.

While your ex should shoulder some of the burden for the cost of raising your child, it might fall mostly on you if you provide the child’s primary residence.

It’s a lot to take on, but if you’re proactive, you can manage.

Tip #1: Create a monthly budget

A budget can help you stay within your means and figure out where you need to cut corners.

As you prepare for divorce, make a categorised list of all your bills (e.g., housing, electricity) and expected expenses (e.g., food, petrol), along with how much you expect to spend in each category.

While bills are straightforward, it can be a bit tricky to estimate expenses. Look at receipts, bank statements and other proofs of payment to help you figure out your average expenses. Keep in mind, this amount might vary month to month. The goal is to figure out how much you spend on average so you don’t spend more than you make.

You could do separate accounting for your child’s expenses (a sound idea if the other parent is expected to pay a portion) or keep it all together. Example expenses you might incur because of your child include:

  • Schooling (e.g., uniforms, tutoring, supplies)
  • Transport
  • Communications (e.g., TV, internet, mobile phone)
  • Clothing and footwear
  • Extra-curriculars
  • Recreation (e.g., eating out, going to concerts)
  • Child care
  • Medicine
  • Personal care

Add up your bills and expenses to get your total monthly spending.

Next, add up your earnings from work and other sources, like spousal or child maintenance if you’re receiving payments.

Subtract total bills and expenses from your earnings. You could allocate a portion of your residuals to savings. Include this in your budget as well.

If you’re left with zero or less, find ways to adjust your budget to suit your income. Your child might have a piano lesson once a week rather than twice. You might unsubscribe from a streaming service.

Keep track of your monthly spending to make sure you’re sticking to your budget. If you’re looking for a template for your budget, there are budget worksheets available online or you can create a spreadsheet. There are also finance apps that help you stay on top of spending.

Tip #2: Make a plan for shared co-parenting expenses

Co-parents often argue about how to sort out costs related to the children.

A good way to lessen headaches is to make a list of co-parenting shared expenses. Discuss with your co-parent how you’ll split each expense or whether one parent will cover the full cost.

You might split everything equally or split in relation to each parent’s income. You could keep track of these expenses and invoice one another for reimbursement at the end of the month.

Tip #3: Prioritise needs over wants

In the aftermath of divorce, you’ll feel some guilt that makes you want to spoil your kids.

It’s tough not being able to get your child everything they want. However, if you spoil them, they’ll expect that treatment all the time, which may not be possible with your budget.

Budget for gifts, entertainment and recreation last so they don’t get in the way of paying bills and buying necessities.

Tip #4: Teach your children financial responsibility

Help your children learn the value of money so their expectations become a bit more realistic.

One way to teach your children financial literacy is to give them pocket money. Assign chores for them to do to earn their money so they gain understanding of the work you put in to provide for them.

When your child asks for something pricey, encourage them to save up a portion of their pocket money until they can afford it so they learn the importance and benefits of saving.

If your child is mature enough, you could allow them to have their own bank account and debit card.

Tip #5: Seek help when needed

Newly divorced parents often feel the need to prove they can go it alone. While learning self-reliance is essential to moving on, there’s nothing wrong with getting help to benefit your child.

Professionals like financial advisers assist your transition to post-divorce life by advising you on your spending and how to save more. Plus, government resources are available. Reach out to family and friends for support as well. They can be especially important when it comes to saving on child care costs.

Read more articles by Zarira Love.

Read more articles by Custody X Change.

About Zarira Love

Zarira Love has been researching and writing articles about child custody and parenting for nearly six years. She currently resides in New York City.

Zarira is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

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Easter Countdown: How Co-Parents Can Best Manage School Holidays
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Easter Countdown: How Co-Parents Can Best Manage School Holidays

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Anthony Parrish - Jones Myers
Anthony Parrish
Partner
Jones Myers

Sponsored article by Jones Myers.

Organising school holidays and special occasions like birthdays and Christmas can test even the most robust relationships as parents juggle work commitments with a myriad of children’s activities.

Busy schedules also have to be rejigged at short notice when the unexpected happens, such as children falling ill.

For divorced and separated parents, many of whom do not have a support network, the above can be even more challenging.

As Easter looms, the school break – which is vital for children to recharge their batteries – can bring  even greater disruption to daily patterns.

The Importance of Communication, Cooperation and Compromise

In our extensive experience, effective organisation, communication and collaboration between estranged parents are vital both during and outside school terms to ensure children’s best interests always come first.

The formula below helps to ensure stability in a shared commitment to children’s wellbeing while avoiding the court route – for which there is limited public funding – to determine arrangements.

Involve Children in Plans

During all school holidays, children will want to spend as much time as possible with both parents, their wider family including grandparents, and friends.

It is the responsibility of both parents to try to achieve this and may result in one parent spending less time with their child(ren) during the break.

Children and young people need certainty and security so let them know as far in advance as possible how, and with who, their holiday will be spent. This gives them time to adjust to any new arrangements.

Keep Talking and Communicating

Set aside your differences to always put your children’s interests first. Aim to plan school holidays as much in advance as possible so you can organise logistics such as travel, playgroups and sporting activities.

Be Flexible

In cases where a court is involved, parents will be referred to a Planning Together for Children course  which helps them to understand how to put their children first while undergoing separation.

The four-hour course helps parents learn the fundamental principles of how to manage conflict and difficulties. For more information, visit this website.

Managing Special Occasions

This formula also applies to birthdays and the festive season – special occasions when parents can give their children magical memories to look back on by manging them creatively. For example, by organising a birthday celebration or outing with each parent.

When it comes to Christmas – which brings additional commitments and financial pressures – a spirit of co-operation, communication and compromise is needed more than ever for parents to work together.

Advance planning and keeping calm irrespective of challenges including bad driving conditions, or reluctant children (who find moving from one parent to another difficult, not that they don’t want to go) – is vital.

Christmas celebrations can take place at any time over the holiday to make them special for children. Parents can therefore make the magic of Christmas happen twice with Santa making two appearances with his presents.

Achieving this requires meticulous organising, allowing time to consider each other’s expectations and plans. It is also advisable to have a back-up plan in the event of an unforeseen circumstance.

Letting children know as far in advance as possible that they will have two birthdays and two Christmases gives them time to get used to the idea and look forward to it with excitement.

The Importance of Parenting Plans

Jones Myers’ dedicated, multi-award winning Children’s Department balances children’s and parents needs in wide-ranging issues.

Working closely with our clients, we devise the most suitable arrangements for children both now and in the formative years ahead. We also highly recommend that parents who split up have a Parenting Plan in place.

A Parenting Plan is a written plan which helps estranged couples to work out practical decisions in areas including communication, living arrangements, money, religion, education and emotional well-being. Providing a valuable reference point, it helps everyone involved to know what is expected of them.

The document can help ensure a degree of stability and continuity in a shared commitment to children’s wellbeing – without having to go to court.

In cases where parents need to go to court because they are unable to agree on certain issues, a judge will expect them to have started a Parenting Plan.

Helping them to record their plan and inform the family court judge what they have agreed and not agreed, it also enables parents to let the judge know areas where they need more help.

Family Law group Resolution, which promotes a non-confrontational approach to family problems, provides valuable advice for separating parents.

It is reported that babies as young as three months can be affected by negative vibes and parents who argue in front of their infant can cause them lasting damage.

When children’s futures are at stake, we recommend choosing a family lawyer like Jones Myers – who champions a non-confrontational approach to relationship breakdown and is a member of Resolution – when seeking legal advice.

Working closely with our clients, we devise the most suitable arrangements for children – both now and in the formative years ahead.

The actions and decisions of separating and divorced parents can play a formative role in ensuring  their children’s emotional happiness and well-being though their journey to adulthood.

Read more articles by Anthony Parrish and Jones Myers.

About Anthony Parrish

Anthony Parrish’s extensive experience in family law spans over two decades, during which time he has developed specialisms in matters relating to children law.

A member of Jones Myers internationally renowned Children’s Department, he deals with issues relating to children, teenagers, parents (including those represented through their official solicitor) and local authorities.

His expertise also encompasses international child abduction cases and same sex relationship issues.

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Setting Boundaries So You Can Work Better with Your Co-Parent
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Setting Boundaries So You Can Work Better with Your Co-Parent

Published on
Tucker Lieberman
Tucker Lieberman
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

If you and your ex will co-parent your child, you’ll be in regular communication to make it happen. That means you’ll need to find new ways to speak and work together.

At least one of you will have to make big decisions for your child: where they’ll go to school, how their special needs will be supported, which religion to raise them in, and whether to pursue a complex medical treatment. Some co-parents make these kinds of decisions together. Even if you don’t, one of you will have to inform the other of the big rules that guide your child’s life.

You and your ex will also coordinate exactly when and where you’ll exchange your child, and you’ll have to notify each other if you’re running late. You’ll pass on minor details like whether your kid already ate dessert or argued with a friend.

So, even as you envision a new life apart from your ex, stay realistic about your future need to talk to them. Though you’ll no longer be spouses, you’ll have important roles in each other’s lives.

Talking with Your Ex During the Divorce Process

A split can be so emotionally painful that it’s hard to keep open lines of communication. The hurt that one of you caused the other, or that both of you caused each other, is real. Nevertheless, for parents, it’s crucial to keep talking for your child’s sake.

Ideally, both of you should try to give your child as much stability as possible until the court can order a child arrangement, which means agreeing to a parenting routine and sticking to it civilly (rather than yanking the child back and forth and arguing in front of them).

You’ll also benefit from negotiating productively so you can get a fair outcome for your child and for yourselves. In the UK, parents may use mediation, collaborative practice or arbitration to help them reach decisions out of court.

Keeping open lines of communication doesn’t mean you have to pick up the phone at any hour of the night, respond to excessive text messages, or tolerate disrespectful emails. Nor does it mean you have to tell absolutely everything to your ex or allow them to micromanage your parenting time. You each deserve some privacy and autonomy.

In fact, communicating well as co-parents involves respecting each other’s limits. It’s a great idea to explicitly set boundaries with your ex. Do your part to obey the limits in good faith, and apologise when you make a mistake. Thank your co-parent for respecting your boundaries, and calmly hold them accountable when they don’t.

Rebuilding Your Co-Parenting Dynamic for Your Child’s Sake

It’s widely recognised that it’s in a child’s best interests to maintain a relationship with both parents. Sometimes there’s a reason to exclude one parent from the child’s life, but apart from situations of parental abuse or neglect, children generally benefit from meaningful, frequent contact with both parents.

In the UK, it’s common for courts to order shared parenting, meaning that the court divides parenting time close to equally. You’ll have to follow the order, and that will entail working together with your former spouse.

While some exes remain amicable and genuinely appreciate knowing what’s happening in each other’s lives, others insist on limiting conversations to matters involving their child. If one of you wants minimal interaction, the other has to accept reality and learn to let go.

And while spouses may have once enjoyed regular contact with each other’s family members and friends, most divorcing people find that those mutual connections decrease and eventually disappear. An exception would be if one of those adults is a carer for their child.

To help grant each other a sense of freedom and privacy, some co-parents agree to use only a designated messaging app with each other. Or they may agree to refrain from mentioning each other on social media.

Divorce is no easy road, but starting today, you can strive to build a good life for yourself and your child. By putting your best foot forward and interacting in good faith with your ex, you form a new co-parenting dynamic. What you do today leads to a better tomorrow.

Read more articles by Custody X Change.

About Tucker Lieberman

Tucker Lieberman is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change. After a decade with an investment company focusing on saving for university, he now writes about co-parenting arrangements.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

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Navigating International Divorce – TDM Expert Interviews
Thumbnail for the YouTube Video "Navigating International Divorce: Challenges and Strategies - TDM Expert Interviews (EP. 12) Chloe O"
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Navigating International Divorce – TDM Expert Interviews

Published on
chloe-o-contributor
Chloe O.
Alternative Dispute Resolution professional and Certified Divorce Coach
The Divorce and Separation Coach

Introducing the latest transcript blog featuring an insightful interview with Chloe O., an experienced divorce coach specialising in international divorce. In this insightful interview, Chloe shares her expert knowledge on what international divorces are, the unique challenges they pose, and how to navigate them effectively. From dealing with cultural differences and cross-border legal systems to managing emotional stress, Chloe offers invaluable advice on making the process as amicable as possible.

Join us as we explore the common issues that arise in international divorces and practical strategies to help individuals maintain clarity, focus, and resilience during this complex journey.

Read on for the full transcript of our interview, “Navigating International Divorce: Challenges and Strategies.”

 

[Music]

Hello everybody, thank you so much for joining us again on The Divorce Magazine YouTube channel or on the website if that’s where you’re watching it. My name is Dr Soila, I’m the founding editor of The Divorce Magazine, it’s been running for, over 10 years, let’s put it that way, and um, today we have Chloe and um, Chloe has contributed to The Divorce Magazine quite a bit so we like that. Um, really interesting, and extremely informative content that you have sent to us so, if you haven’t met Chloe, please look her up on The Divorce Magazine or, on her Instagram.

Anyway she’ll tell us where to find her at the end of this um, interview so, Chloe is a mum of two pre-teen girls, and has been helping people through divorce and separation for over a decade now since her own um, divorce. I’m introducing you Chloe, I hope that’s okay? She was born in Paris, to a French father and uh, an American mother, and she’s been living in the UK for the past 15 years and is a very active um, member of the expert community.

Um, she has personally experienced divorce twice, um, the first from her father, the father of her children after six years of marriage, and the second divorce was also from the father of her children but in a very different context, where he needed to move abroad suddenly, and um, and that brought up all other issues that that um, included financial issues and child arrangement seeing as they would be living in different countries so the whole thing, kind of was brought up again is that right Chloe? Yeah, and that was a second experience, so given this story um, it’s not surprising the direction that Chloe took, which is to become a non-court dispute resolution, res, resolution professional and a certified divorce coach.

She now dedicates her time as you will see here and in other context uh, she dedicates her time to something particularly purposeful to her, which is supporting others through one of the most difficult and stressful life transitions that they can ever experience in their lives. So welcome Chloe, and, thank you so much for having me, pleasure, for coming and being with us today.

So I’m going to do this a little bit differently than I do with, with other um, interviews. I’ll ask you, tell us about your work, and what it entails. Yeah, so divorce coaches are, are a fairly new um, profession in the UK. Quite established in the US, it really depends on where you are in the world. But basically we insert ourselves between the work of a therapist, and the work of a lawyer. Our, our objective is to support people through the journey of divorce, from one end to the other ideally, and to be there really as their thinking partner, because there are thousands and thousands of decisions that need to be made um, in the context of your divorce and they’re not necessarily legal decisions.

So I work a lot with expat, there’s decisions with regards to which country they want to live in after divorce um, how are they’re going to arrange um, for their children to see both parents if they’re in different countries um, all the questions are around whether the settlement discussions are working the way they want and whether they’re, they can accept the proposals that their ex is making for them, to them. So there’s a lot of different issues that come up and that require some proper thinking. And your friends and family can be really helpful, but they’re not professional, they’re not trained um, I bring that specific training specifically around conflict management and negotiation skills. So my objective is to help my clients to divorce out of court, to reach agreements amicably, doesn’t mean they’re best friends, it means they do it collaboratively. And so I coach them through communication methods, negotiation strategies, and overall how to limit the conflict, so that the divorce can be as fast, as cheap, and as conflict free as possible.

And that can’t be easy because we already know because I’ve been through divorce myself, and we already know just how emotional, people can get when they’re going through divorce and what emotions can, arise in them and how, that can just bring the whole process to unravel and become quite conflictual. Yeah. Absolutely and big part of my job is helping people to identify these emotions, recognise and accept them, but also to make sure that they don’t tint their decision-making.

So the processes around fact-based decisions, because those are decisions you’re going to have to live with for quite a while after your divorce um, you want to make sure that they’re not made in the spur of the moment based on, on short-term emotions, but that they’re really thought through, and that you’ve, you know, compared those decisions to your long-term objectives, and to your children’s wellbeing needs. Yeah, yeah.

So today we’re looking at international divorces um, yes, which actually is so important because the world has become so small, it’s not a big, big world where trouble was much more complicated now it’s so much easier to travel and to settle in different parts of the world.

What is the process when going through an international divorce?

So why don’t you talk us through what you, what you have found or what the process is when you’re working with people who are going through or might end up going through an international divorce. Yeah, well I mean I think in general, you know, an expatriation or a national marriage all amazing opportunities, you get to learn about someone else’s culture, you get to go live in a new country, and discover a whole new world of, of opportunities new ways of thinking. What it does do though, is it, it does take tend to create a strain on the couple, it can create an imbalance. A lot of my clients have been the ones following their spouse um, either to, to their home country or they travelled together before the spouse’s job, and so they have had to put their own career on the, on the back burner a little bit, they have had to leave their own friends and family behind to follow this romantic relationship um, and, and what happens that a lot of couples have a hard time finding a new balance, that that works for them in that new context.

So there’s a lot of thinking that needs to go into the decision to move abroad even before um, you know you’re anywhere near divorce but once you get to the stage of divorce, it is particularly difficult, when you’re in that situation. First of all you’re far away from your friends, your family, your support network um, sometimes you’re getting divorced in a country where you don’t even speak the language, or you don’t speak it very well. You don’t know how the how the legal system works there, none of your friends and family can tell you, you know share advice because they divorced in another country um, and then there’s a lot of kind of legal elements to it that become complicated that don’t arise in a local divorce, and so that’s where having somebody who’s specialised and who can really guide you through, um, all those different implications for the divorce, that your typical lawyer or typical divorce coach wouldn’t be informed about um, that value is, is, is tremendous because that avoids making really costly mistakes later on.

What is an international divorce?

Yeah, yeah can I, I just realise that what, what do we actually mean by an international divorce? I, I just thought to myself that some people might see think about it that um, okay so you’re having your wedding and you go and you have it in Barbados, and then you’re going through divorce, do you get divorced, is that an international divorce where you have to go to Barbados to get the divorced you have it here? Or is it where you have a divorce while you’re living in, you move, you know immigrate to Barbados and you’re living there and then you go through divorce while you’re there?

So that there are very complex rules around which country is eligible to deal with a divorce and I, I would let a, a lawyer answer that question because it will depend on the country and there’s a lot of different conventions that regulate that, but that is one of the biggest decisions that people have to make very early on, with regards to their divorce is, which country do we get divorced in, and if they have ties to different countries, um, if one of them’s from France and the other one’s from the UK um, it might be that both countries would recognise their right to, to rule on this divorce.

That being said, every country has very different rules, very different laws, different ways of approaching divorce, you know, in the UK we’ve, since 2022 we have No Fault Divorce so you don’t need to prove any wrongdoing as for a divorce, in some countries you do. So you’re not going to approach it the same way, so that decision of choosing the right place for you to divorce has a lot of implications it’s not you know some countries take a lot longer to get divorced and some are a lot more expensive just because legal fees are more expensive um, there’s all kinds of rules that come into play with regards to how long you might have been married, or how long you’ve been separated, to be able to divorce. So you need to spend time understanding all of those differences, so that you can make an informed decision, and that’s usually one of the ones that most of my, my clients struggle with very early on, it’s an important decision yeah, okay.

What advice would you give to a parent who wants to relocate as a result of getting a divorce?

So let’s take an example, of a couple living in the UK, and they’re both from, you know um, which country sh, shall we pick they’re both from Kenya. O kay, they come here, and they’re, they’re living here married um, have children, and then they start going through a divorce, yeah, and one partner wants to take, you know, the mum says for instance, well we are having a divorce, I don’t need to be here anymore, I’m moving back to Kenya with my children. Um, do you have any advice as to how to manage that because that can be so difficult for the children for the, um, dad, and for the mum you know, how any…

It’s one of the big challenges that comes up in international divorce especially, in the example I was stating of people following being the one who followed their spouse. They were there for that person, it often doesn’t make much sense for them to stay in that country if they’re no longer married. Plus, you know when you’re get divorced it’s tempting to go back to somewhere that’s familiar and where you have your friends and family, so relocation comes up a lot and when you’re bring the kids with you, it becomes very complex. Um, there’s a lot of rules that you know that prevent you taking your without permission of the other parents, you’re not allowed to kidnap the child even if you don’t see it as kidnapping, as you think it it’s just taking travelling abroad with your child, so you need to be really careful about how you do that and understand the local laws, with regards to that.

But in general it’s a very difficult thing to uh, to force the other person to do through the legal system which means that it is typically something that you want to negotiate. You want to sit down with your spouse and say listen this is why I think it’s in the best interest of the children for us to go back to Kenya in your example, this is how we would work, this is what I suggest, and really try as much as possible to bring them along on that journey and to get them to understand the value, of the children and to agree to all of the, the nitty gritty of how it’ll work.

So I have a template that I, I make available for free on my website, to help people plan long-distance co-parenting, because there’s a lot of things to think about. Who’s going to pay for the children’s flights back and forth, from what age can they go on their own, who takes care as of Visas, if there’s need for visas in one country or the other, who keeps the passports, um, how is contact maintained outside of those times of visitation, what does that mean in terms of devices you provide to the child, so the other parent can contact them. There, there’s just so many dimensions that you need to anticipate, and the more you can document those up front, the less conflict you get later on, because both parents are on the same page and have agreed as to how it’s going to work. So that’s something I spend a lot of time working with my clients because it’s very common that they, they want to go back to their home country. Yeah, yeah.

Have you experienced any cases where relocation is not possible post-divorce?

And do you know of any cases where, that had, you know, maybe the dad, or the mum, has wanted to relocate well I’ll come back to that one, but um, and the, the judges have said I’m sorry you can’t relocate, I know this is more like a legal issue but you know from, from the work that you do, have you met any families where the relocation has not been possible post-divorce?

There’s case where, there’s places where it goes, it goes to court, and you know it’s a bit of a Russian Roulette when you go to court, you never really know what the judge is going to decide. In general, it ends up with a very binary decision, you know, one parent has the, the children and the other doesn’t. The beauty of negotiating the agreement, is that you can round the edges a little bit, you know it’s always going to be binary you’re not going to send the child to school, you know, halfway between Kenya and the UK, but um, you can still make, make it happen in a way that allows parent who’s being left without the children, to feel like they’re still very involved in part of the children’s day-to-day life, and that’s where you need to really speak to each other, to find the best possible arrangements for you and for your children. Yeah.

Yeah, and I think that’s where the children really come into you know very child-centred, very child focussed, what’s the best thing for the children, especially, probably if one parent had, both parents have been very active in their lives and then they lose, the presence of one parent you know pretty much, you know as it was, then you know the distance grow not just geographical distance, but also, relational distance. The you know, the wellbeing and the best interest of the children are always the paramount priority for any court, so if it did go to court, that’s what they would look like and each parent would have to show, how it’s better for the children to be in X or Y country. Yeah, so you know whether it’s just having the conversation directly with your, your ex or if it’s through the courts, you need to be able to articulate why this is better for the children, and how it would work in practice. Show that you’re not trying to alienate the other parent, um, that there really is no ill intent there, it’s purely because it feels like the right thing to do for the children at this stage. Yeah, yeah, okay.

In your experience, what was it like when your ex-spouse decided to move countries? How did the dynamic change?

If I can use your example, your life’s example, for your life’s experience as an example, where you were, I’m assuming you were in the UK, and then your ex was the one who was going to, to leave. Um, and you had already come to some kind of agreement, and you know, and all of that so what, what changed what um, you see what I’m asking? Yes well a lot changed and partly because, the way we handled the first the actual divorce, versus the second uh, iteration was very different. So when we originally got divorced um, we got divorced very amicably, we prepared a lawyer which you were able to do and got divorced in France, you could do that at the time in France, and you know we spent a thousand pounds, three months of our life and that was it, it was sorted and he lived 10 doors down the street, saw the children very regularly, we weren’t best friends, but we got on, and we were able to co, to co- parent at least together um, and then you know several years down the line, things had changed, he had met somebody new, I actually had met somebody new too, but the influence of this new person in his life, led to him moving abroad. And that transition was not handled nearly as smoothly as the first one, um, partly because I wasn’t aware that he was moving abroad, it happened suddenly um, and so there was a long period of uncertainty I didn’t know where he was, before finally receiving a lawyer, a letter from a lawyer telling me that he’d moved abroad.

So the way it was handled and the fact that, we didn’t speak to each other directly at any point during that process, and it lasted about a year, the negotiation, and the court process, we did didn’t speak to each other because, he was intent on only communicating via lawyers, so it cost both of us a fortune it took a long… Yeah, I was just thinking how much that would have cost. Oh it goes so quickly, we were just talking about it the other day, we were reminiscing now we get on nicely but at the time, it was incredibly difficult for our relationship, I felt very betrayed by the fact that I had been blind, blindsided by his departure, um, I can’t speak for what he felt but, there was a lot of tension, and what the difference was, between our ability to co-parent originally, and after that happened, was night and day.

The collaboration, the communication, even the quality of the time of the, the transitions when, when the children were going from me to him, or him to me, um, you know originally we used to meet for coffee and just have coffee out together and then the children will go off with one of us. Um, for a long time after high conflict divorce, um, I couldn’t even look him in the eyes, the transition, were you know the handovers happened at the front door to about 8 seconds, and ended up with the door being shut in someone’s face, and you know that has a huge impact on the children. It’s horrible for the parents, but the children get to see their parents not even being able to speak to each other, and so the cost of that, is massive, and that’s where having those, those conversations early on about what would happen if one of us moved abroad, would have really helped prevent a lot of those issues.

How do you manage the child arrangements in an international divorce?

Yeah. Yeah. So how did you manage that child arrangement? Because as you was saying before the, the, the divorce before the, um, interview started, we’re just saying it’s already hard enough getting to an amicable or, an agreed child arrangement when you’re in the same city, or the same town, or the same village, um, compared to live alone being in the same country, how do you manage child arrangement?

The advantage we had, is that there was no um, there was no conflict about where the children were going to be living because he had um, left with so we weren’t fighting around, you know, the main residence of the children. Uh, but there was a lot of back and forth around the logistics for holidays um, and which countries they could travel to, who would come and pick them up and whether in this case he had to come pick him up in London, or whether I could bring him to wherever he was, um, notice periods, if things need to change, and how that would happen, and I think there’s a lot of things that in hindsight, I would have handled lot better uh, that now I think, now I have to live with these agreements and actually some bits of it don’t work for me, but we’ve put so much time and effort and pain, into reaching them that, we’re just kind of living with what, what we’ve got, but I’d like to share those lessons with people who are in those earlier stages of divorce, to make sure that they think through, what that feels like, what that looks like in practice when they agree to certain things.

So, so one example is, you know oftentimes somebody will want to take the children back to their home country, and they’ll tell the other spouse, or the ex-spouse, in exchange you can have the children for all school holidays. Which seems like as much as they can give right, it’s all the available time, but for the person who is taking the children with them, that means they will never again spend a school holiday with their children. That’s quite a big implication, it depends how old they are, but if they’re young, that could be 10 years, 15 years of never taking a holiday with your children. You have to think through these kind of proposals, and really make sure that it’s something you can live with in the long term, and that’s not going to cause problems down the line. Yeah, yeah because otherwise the one who’s not having holidays with their children they become, the strict parent, and the other one is a fun parent, which happens a lot.

How would you solve the issue of who is having the children and when?

Um, so that’s one thing so how would you solve that that issue for example, who’s having the children when, while one parent is in the UK for instance, and the other one is in Kenya? The issue is really individual for each family because it depends on their children, depends on how old they are, and how they react to change, how attached they are to each parent, how long they’ve been living in the country where they’re being taken from, so there’s a lot of different factors but, in, in general the best thing to do is to try and maintain as much regular contact as possible.

So people get very hung up about the holidays, and that makes sense because that’s when you get to actually see your child, but what creates a relationship, is that ongoing contact, and how do you make sure that the parent who’s far away, is still part of the children’s daily life, that they’re involved in health care decisions, education decisions, parent teacher meetings, all of those things how do you plan for that in a way that they can be put brought in on Zoom, or in some other way, and that they’re involved but really so they can stay close to their, their children, and then the other element is culture. I mean in your example both parents were from Kenya, but if you’ve got, you know, for example the father who’s British, and the mother is Kenyan, and she take children back to Kenya, it may be that the father’s worried and the children’s English is going to get less good, or that, they’re going to lose touch with their British culture, and so how do you build that into the children’s routine so that both parents remain, you know, part of their day-to-day life, and the influence of both parents remains part of their day-to-day life.

Yeah, and these days is so, there’s so many ways of keeping in touch like you’re saying, a parenting meeting you can call in for you know, on Zoom or on Teams or, you know, yeah, you can yes exactly, you just need to have your phone really with you, to plan ahead, to make sure that you’re thinking of time differences and, you know, letting the other person know as well about the times of the appointments. And I’m assuming that when you’re making those, you know, the structured co-parenting plan, um, that you keep in mind the ages of the children because now they’re two and four, but when they get to 14, they can fly on their own, you know, so what will that look like or, you know um.

That’s a big element Soila, because I think in general whether it’s an expat divorce or not, um, a lot of people tend to design their parenting plans based on today, and what the children need and, and do and, and they’re at today, and they forget to think about the future, and when they’re going to grow up, and things like at what age can they travel on their own, you know, if your children are two and four today, you probably don’t have that in mind at this stage you know it seems so far away, but really thinking about the long term and how that will work. What also happens if one of the two parents meet somebody new, how will that person be introduced, how will they be eased into the children’s lives. If you can anticipate all of that, at a time where you’re not in the heart of the storm, when you’re not living those events that can trigger a lot of emotions, you can anticipate, and look at them more cool-headedly, and make decisions that are actually in the best interest of the children, rather than based on emotions in in the moment of crisis. Yeah.

Oh there’s so much that is going on through my mind as you’re speaking, even when, when you started speaking about, what if they met somebody new, and I’m thinking okay, the parent who doesn’t live with their children, like um, the parent who’s left in the UK, who only sees the children, you know holiday time for instance, and the children are so excited to come and see their parent here, and then the parent has met somebody else, at what point do you introduce this person to them, the kids want to come and hang out with their parent and then oh, there’s this other person in the house, and where’s, I want my time with my mum or my dad and you know, so it can just cause so many other, um, so many things to think about.

So I’m assuming one of the things you’re saying is that make the plan as structured as possible but not set in stone. Well you know what I, I think there there’s two sides to that. Not set in stone in stone because life, and things change, and children grow, and circumstances change, so you can never sign a co-parenting agreement, you know, when your when your children are two and four and say that’s going to stand until they’re 18, the reality is will not let you do that, um, that being said, I think that it’s important to have a baseline, when having a discussion and documenting decisions you make as a couple, around how things will work, allows everybody to be on the same page.

It takes away a lot of the disagreements later on, because usually it’s the fine print that leads to conflict uh, so things around, if you need um, to have to get papers from the other parent to renew the children’s passports for example, how long ahead of time do you need to ask them, and what’s the timeline by which they need to provide those? That can cause, I’ve seen so many people have so much conflict around that because they’ve booked an appointment at the embassy they’re ready to go for the passports and the other parent hasn’t sent the documents, and they’re arguing, and this is a very small example, but it leads to so much back and forth and so much tension between the parents, and it’s just not necessary. If they just agreed, will, you know, any request will be made for weeks ahead and you have two weeks to provide them that’s it, everyone knows where they stand.

It doesn’t mean you can’t be flexible, if your ex is on holiday at that time and says I can’t send them right away it’ll be an extra week, it’s fine, but you have an agreed baseline, and I think that’s where the beauty of a documented arrangement is, is really live yeah, okay.

Thank you so much, but before we, how can people reach you Chloe,? Where can they find? So they can reach me by through my website, I have a link there to book a free discovery call, I always offer a free touch point, to get to know each other, to make sure that I’m the right person to help them, to make sure for them, to make sure that they’re comfortable speaking to me, and that I’m the right person for them, and just making sure it’s a good match. So they can book a free discovery call we have that informal chat, and they can decide at that stage whether they want to continue or not.

I do encourage people to check out my website because there are as you said earlier, a lot of free resources, I write blog articles, I have a podcast, I have a newsletter, do videos there’s a lot of information there, and I’m a very strong believer that information is key. It is really the power that allows you to handle your divorce properly. And you do have the free download? Yes everything is, is there for free it’s really a wealth of information, the idea is that people can gather that information and then we can work together to make sure that we’re tailoring the journey to their specific family. Yeah, okay. Thank you so much Chloe and um, thank you for having me, contact details at the you know at the bottom and people can contact you through that, and um, yeah, thank you and you know please keep sending your articles through, they’re amazing, well thank you so much, thank you, take care.

[Music]

Read more articles by Chloe O.

About Chloe O.

“My name is Chloe O., I am an Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) professional and a Certified Divorce Coach. I specialise in working with women to help them reduce conflict during and after divorce by improving their negotiation and communication skills with their spouse. The objective is to work towards an amicable divorce outcome in order to minimise the emotional and financial cost of divorce. I work with all types of clients but I have extensive experience in supporting expatriates and international families who are dealing with the unique situation of living abroad during and after their divorce, with limited local family support, language barriers and relocation considerations.”

For more information about my work and services (including my Podcasts, newsletter, myth-buster videos…), you can visit my website and/or follow me on Instagram, Facebook or LinkedIn.

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Following separation, often parents start the arrangements for their shared children without much of a plan whilst the family settle into their new situation.  Sometimes parents might adjust the arrangements over time until they can settle into a routine that suits the family.

Sadly, and often where there is poor communication and the co-parenting relationship is not a strong one, the arrangements later breakdown.

Cafcass, the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service say that if children experience poor inter-parental relations or do not know when they are next seeing the other parent, they are more likely to worry, especially if there are long gaps between visits without an explanation.  Therefore, it is important for separated parents to always put the children’s needs first, despite any differences with their former partner.

As a family lawyer, I am often approached by separated parents who seek to regulate the arrangements between them and the other parent.  Before considering Court intervention, there are a number of tools available that can help separated parents to co-parent more effectively:

  • A Parenting Plan – Parents can work together and formulate a Parenting Plan, which is a plan negotiated and agreed between the parents setting out what the arrangements for the child / children will be. For a free Parenting Plan template, visit: www.planningtogether.cafcass.gov.uk/plan
  • Parenting App – Where there is conflict between parents, and they struggle to communicate, a Parenting App should be considered. There are many free and paid Parenting Apps available, and the idea is that the App is used by the parents for discussion about the children only, and it can include things like calendars, ability to make audio and video calls, share expenses, make payments and maintain a secure text communication with the other parent.   Feedback from parents who have tried this have reported that limiting communication to an App has been helpful.
  • A parenting course. Attended alone or together, a parenting course can be a useful way for parents to gain insight about positive co-parenting and the benefits to the child / children. The courses usually consider how parents can effectively communicate and work together with the other parent to agree co-parenting arrangements without the need for Court intervention.
  • Mediation – If separated parents cannot agree the arrangements for the child / children, then they should consider Family Mediation. This is a process in which an independent professional trained Mediator helps the parents work out the arrangements for the children. The Mediator will help to try and find a solution which works for both parents.  The process is less stressful and significantly quicker than going to Court, and Mediators work with separating parents in ways that are flexible.  If separated parents do not want to be in the same space, then often remote Mediation sessions can take place.
  • Child Inclusive Mediation – This is a structured process which is suitable for older children where a qualified family mediator speaks to the child / children to ascertain their wishes and feelings. Where the children give permission, these wishes and feelings are then shared by the mediator with the parents in a separate feedback meeting. The parents can then use this information to agree the child arrangements moving forwards.

Conclusion

The risk to a deterioration in the child / children’s emotional wellbeing and mental health increases significantly where separated parents have a high level of conflict between them.  Therefore, separated parents are encouraged to consider how they can try and work together and communicate.

Remember that as children get older, often their needs will change. Therefore, when arrangements for children are made when children are very young, sometimes those arrangements could have a limited shelf life and later need to be reviewed – another reason to try and remain amicable with the other parent, where possible.

This is only intended to be a summary and not specific legal advice.

Read more articles by Emma Alfieri.

About Emma Alfieri

Emma Alfieri is a Legal Director at Suffolk firm Greene & Greene Solicitors.

Emma advises on all aspects of family law, including divorce and associated financial matters, disputes between cohabitants and child related disputes.

A member of Resolution, Emma is committed to resolving disputes as positively and agreeably as possible whilst also being motivated to obtain the best possible outcome for her clients.

Since 2012 Emma has been consistently recommended by the Legal 500 on an annual basis and in the most recent 2024 edition Emma is ranked as a “rising star”.

As an advocate of fault free divorce, Emma lobbied at Parliament with other members of Resolution in 2016 to bring about the recent changes to divorce law.

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5 Essentials for Raising Resilient, Happy Kids Through Divorce
Photo by Alberto Casetta on Unsplash
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5 Essentials for Raising Resilient, Happy Kids Through Divorce

Published on
Johanna Lynn
Johanna Lynn
Founder
The Family Imprint Institute

Navigating co-parenting when emotions are raw can challenge even the most loving parents. The truth is, how you and your child’s parent communicate, prioritise your children’s best interests over your hurts and handle differences can make all the difference in your child’s life.

In my almost 20 years of working with families, I’d like to share with you 6 essential strategies to create that supportive foundation to co-parent well, to give your children the security and love they need to thrive, even during challenging times.

1. Celebrate Your Family’s Story – even though it looks different now.

Whenever you can share good stories about their other parent, that is what supports your child. Giving the message: “Our family is different now and this is sad for you. And there were many beautiful things in our history as a family.”

Remember the importance of the message: “No matter what else might be going on, we will always agree about how much we love you.”

2. Shared Celebrations

Our children benefit from shared family moments like weddings, graduations, and other significant moments, like birthdays or anniversaries. If a big event overlaps with your usual time together, consider being flexible. It’s a small gesture with a big impact, showing your child that family can come together to celebrate them, no matter what.

Even when our kids are grown, these are the moments memories are made out of and these milestones mean so much, and having both sides of the family makes it less likely that your child feels pulled into alliances.

This is an act that prioritises your child’s emotional needs above what may be an uncomfortable moment for you to share the celebration.

3. Don’t Take It Personally

When kids act distant or pull away, especially in a time of big changes, it can sting. It’s essential to keep in mind that this is often a reaction to the situation—not to you. Hold steady and stay close to your kids, even if they seem to be pushing you away.

You are more mature, hold on to your kids despite their temporary rejection.

Kids feel better about themselves when they can see the good in both their parents. Even when it’s hard, share a kind word about their parent, sharing a fond memory or something you appreciate about them.

Keep the big picture in mind along with what’s best for your kids – when your child hears you respect and appreciate their other parent, they feel more secure and valued, knowing they don’t have to choose sides to feel loved.

4. How Consistency Builds Security for Your Kids

Consistency—both in actions and emotions—is essential for children’s wellbeing, especially after a major life change. Your kids need to know they can rely on you, not only by showing up on time and keeping commitments but also by providing a steady emotional presence.

Especially when life feels uncertain, try to bring a calm, reassuring energy to your interactions with them. If something arises and you need to cancel plans, give them plenty of notice to avoid disappointment. This mix of practical reliability and emotional steadiness becomes an anchor, helping them feel secure and letting them know they can count on you no matter what.

5.  The Dad Effect – How Your Relationship with Him Shapes Your Kids

When parents struggle, that tension doesn’t just stay with them; it can linger in their kids. Family stories, even the unspoken ones, live on inside us. By showing respect for your child’s other parent—through small, everyday acts—you’re protecting your child from carrying the pain of the past and making it much less likely that they will replicate the pain inside of their parent’s relationship.

Divorce is hard, and trying to co-parent while still healing is no easy feat. But your love for your kids keeps you moving forward. Navigating co-parenting can be complex, and it’s natural to feel uncertain at times.

If you’re feeling the weight of it all and would like some support to create a co-parenting approach that truly works, seek support.

Read more articles by Johanna Lynn.

About  Johanna Lynn

Johanna Lynn is the founder of The Family Imprint Institute with over 20 years of experience. She specialises in supporting individuals navigating divorce, helping them uncover the root causes behind their separation. Johanna uses innovative mind-body techniques to illuminate how family dynamics influence relationships, providing clients with deep insights, clarity and healing.

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Images supplied by The Divorce Magazine.

Growing Up in Conflict: A Child’s Perspective on Divorce – TDM Expert Interviews

Published on
Despina Mavridou
Despina Mavridou
Author, Mediator, Lawyer

Introducing the latest transcript blog featuring a powerful interview with Despina Mavridou, an author, mediator, and lawyer, who brings a unique perspective as a child of divorce in a high-conflict environment. In this revealing conversation, Despina shares her personal experiences and the challenges of being caught in the middle between two parents, navigating feelings of guilt, loyalty, and reconciliation.

Join us as we delve into Despina’s insights on the emotional impact of divorce on children, the complexities of parent-child relationships during separation, and her journey towards healing and understanding.

Read on for the full transcript of our interview, “Growing Up in Conflict: A Child’s Perspective on Divorce.”

[Music]

Okay, welcome everybody um, to another one of our interviews here on the divorcemagazine.co.uk. Um, if you haven’t seen our website please go there, there’s so much information on the website, all to do with divorce and separation. And all our articles let’s say the, the majority of them are actually written by um, divorce professionals. The ones that are not written by divorce professionals, that means divorce coaches, psychologist, lawyers, family mediators, anybody who’s trained to work in the world of divorce, um, the ones that are not written by them are written by people who are telling us about their personal experiences of divorce.

So if you have any questions, if you’re just starting off, if you’re, in the middle of it and you have any questions, head off to The Divorce Magazine, and you will find the answers. If you don’t find the answers email me, and I will find the answer for you and I will publish it so other people can get to know about it.

So thank you so much for joining us today um, we have Despina Mavridou who is with us and it’s, going to be kind of a different, hi Despina, kind of a different um, interview because, I don’t think we have had somebody come on The Divorce Magazine and talk about their own experiences of divorce as a child. We’ve had many professionals but um, you know, you’re a divorce professional and today you’re coming wearing a different hat, which is that of a, a child or an adult? No it’s fine, is that all right?

Okay, so today we have Despina, Despina Mavridou, who is an author, a mediator, and a lawyer in Greece. She has experienced the negative effects of divorce um, when she was the age of 10 when her parents decided to separate. For many years she was in the middle of the fights between her parents, and approximately I think the age of 17, she decided that she didn’t want to see her dad anymore, and she will tell us a little bit more about that decision and how it came about. And this decision lasted for about 20 years um, but you have since reunited with your dad which you can tell us about also how it came about, I think that would be really helpful.

And then after many years of working as a lawyer, in the last four years she discovered mediation and she went into it and um, and she also discovered her passion for writing. This passion for writing led her to write her, to write her first book which is called “Mom, Dad C Can you Hear Me?” and it’s based partially on her own personal story. Despina wanted to share certain things also with her parents so that they can see what it was like for her and the feelings that she had when they were going through divorce. So working as a family mediator, in family dispute issues, she has seen how difficult it is for parents to actually step in the children’s shoes, and see the whole process of divorce from their perspective. So let’s see how we get on today and um, I’m sure and not I’m sure, I really hope that there are going to be lots of parents watching this video so that they can hear it from the child’s perspective um, what it was like to, to be in that situation of divorce with your parents.

So welcome Despina, hi thank you, and I’m really glad that I’m here with you, thank you so much, I’m, I’m I was really happy when you said about coming in to talk about this particular um, subject because as I said we don’t, we haven’t had it on The Divorce Magazine so yeah, a huge welcome to you, thank you for reaching out, okay, thank you for having me.

How old were you when your parents got divorced?

So if I can start just by asking you how old you are when your parents um, decided to divorce? Yes I, I was around 10 when all the fights started actually and then they divorce, they divorced after one, or one, or two years after they start fighting, okay, and, yes um, at the beginning I mean, I didn’t understand when they were fighting, I didn’t realise that they will go for a divorce, I didn’t even know what it means.

I didn’t, I, I wasn’t familiar with what divorce means and all this, I just uh, I knew that they were fighting, there were a lot of fights, almost every day at home the situation was not easy, and at some point they called me and they announced to me the divorce, only to me because I also have a sister who, who is seven years younger than me, so they announced that they divorce only to me, not to my sister. Right, okay. And uh, to be honest I don’t really remember the discussion what they said, I don’t remember anything about this, yeah, but I clearly remember the day that I came back from school and my, my dad was packing his things and he left. This is what I remember from that period. The, this, is the memory that remained in my mind and I still have it today, that when I was coming back from school, uh, he was packing everything to his car, and then library was empty from his books and everything, and this was really strange. It was, it brought me a lot of sadness, even now when I’m thinking about it makes me feel a bit sad because it was a little bit, I was feeling a little bit terrified, my mom was really, really sad, and I didn’t know what to do.

I was feeling really trapped, if I can say it, sad, trapped and uh, helpless, and very insecure, very insecure. Yeah, and because I had a really good relationship with him because you know, sometimes the balance at home are different when during a marriage maybe the kids are more, you know, the dad is the good guy, the mom is the one that has to, you have to do the homework with the children, and she has to put all to, to have the boundaries and everything, so this was the, the relationship that I had with him, he was the more calm the, the good cop, he was the good cop, and my mom was the bad cop. So when the good cop leaves the home, and you are left with a bad cop, yeah, you feel, you don’t know how the things will go. Yeah. You feel you feel really alone. Yeah. listening to you say you know relate that story of coming home, and um, finding your dad packing his stuff, and I’m thinking how confusing! I feel now and I wasn’t even there and I’m an adult, you know just arriving and seeing everything changing, within, you know, it sounds like it happened so fast, everything just, yes, yes, because actually they announced the divorce the day before, I mean I don’t remember exactly the, how many days passed, but I remember that they told me about the divorce and then, after one day, two days, I don’t remember but it was a really short period of time, that my dad left home.

It happened immediately, after they announce it, yeah, and then the next memory that I have it was the Christmas, because I really don’t, I think that it wasn’t, he didn’t left at that period, he left one or two, maybe three months before, but I remember the first holidays that they were really, really difficult for me, and for all the family, and for my mom because my mom was really sad, she was crying very often, she was working a lot also and we were, we, yes it was my grandmother, we were staying with my grandmother and uh, I remember that, that holidays were really difficult for us. For me and my sister also, yeah, yeah.

Did anyone take the time to consider how you were feeling after the divorce announcement, or did life just move on for them?

Once your dad left, did anybody explain to you what happened? Do you know why they divorced? Did you have anybody looking after your feelings? Asking how, you know, or did just go on? I, from what I remember, I think that life just go on, and what I recall now is that everybody was telling me that I have to take care of my mom because she’s really sad, and she feels very, very sad, and I have to help her, uh, actually because in the story there, there was also a third person in the story.

I mean dad left for another woman, so he was the bad guy, yeah, and uh, yeah, and it was hard for my mom and as a woman, I can understand that. But what is really different it’s for the kids cannot understand these things, they cannot understand anything about this third person and it’s completely, I mean, they, they care only about their mom and their dad, if another person comes and they, if you say bad things about this person, this person will be the bad, the bad person. If you say good things or not if you are neutral, they will accept it in the way that you talk about it, I mean it’s completely how the adults will handle it, this is how the kids will accept it, or not.

So you had to look up. Yes, what I remember is that everybody was telling me that I have to look after my mom, and my little sister also, and this was a lot. It was a lot of burden because I, I knew that my mom was, wasn’t feeling good, I was trying to make her feel better, and uh, I, and then when they actually, then they start putting me in the middle because I had to, we had to, we scheduled, we had the program that we had to see my dad for two days, I mean every week I think I don’t remember exactly how it was, but what I remember very, very well, was the fact that I had to transfer messages. Okay. I had to for, for example my mom was telling me you have to say this, this, this, this, and when I was transferring these messages, my dad was telling me uh, tell her this, this, this, this, this. And I was trying to change these messages, and make them a little bit softer, because if I was transferring the exact same words, I knew that they will start fighting.

This is I’m, I’m listening to you speaking, and I’m just think, and how old were you, were you? This started from uh, 11, from 11, 12, something like that. So not only are you being, the messenger, no, the, these messages I remember them very well from the age of 13 to be completely honest, I, from the age of, because I have the memories, some things I don’t remember them very well but, from the age of 13 I remember that I had to transfer messages, up to the age of 17. These were going on and on, for. You’re transferring the messages, but you also have to, change the message and make it nicer so you, I was trying to them, yes, you can look after, you can look after the situation, you can look after Mom, you can look after Dad, you can look after your sister.

Yes, and also because you know, when you transfer the message in exactly what the, how the other person was saying it, it’s like when you are the mediator. You will hear also the reaction, the other person will not know anything about this reaction, you are the, the person that will receive the reaction, the anger, most probably the anger, because exact there will be a lot of anger at the moment that you will transfer the message. So I knew that if I say this back to my mom for example, I knew that her reaction would be really hard, and I didn’t want to hear this, and I didn’t want her to say for example, oh and why, you didn’t answer back, and you, why you didn’t fight back, and say this, this, this, and that, so I was softening the messages, to change a bit the situation and not to have to hear also that why you didn’t defend me. And all this while you’re a child? Yeah, yeah.

At what point did you tell your parents to stop passing messages through you?

At what point did you say stop, I’m not doing this anymore? At 17 and I didn’t say stop, because I was afraid to say stop, uh, I don’t know why I was afraid to say stop, but I never said stop I don’t like this, I only said that I don’t want to see my dad anymore, also because he was the bad guy, he was the bad guy, and I had to take care of my mom, and he broke the marriage, and he, had he brought a third person in the marriage, so I had to try to defend my mom, and I think these are all the reasons why I never said to my mom stop I don’t want to do this anymore. Because I was feeling guilty, and I was feeling also responsible.

You were feeling responsible? I was feeling responsible because I didn’t, I want to defend her, and I was also because I knew that I am like my dad because I knew from a young age that I am more similar to my dad, that I was afraid and I didn’t want to do the same things to her as my dad, so I was trying to, to be different. It’s a lot. It’s a lot, it’s almost like being therapist, being family therapist, being individual therapy to therapist to your mom, looking after your sister, but all this is not just the physical looking after but, very much the emotional and mental health, of looking after the everybody in the house.

What I understand now as adult, is that I try to block all my emotions, I wasn’t feeling anything, I, for years, I couldn’t, I couldn’t even cry, and I never discussed it also with my friends, my best friend of course he understood what happened, but I never told her after. Many years I told her that my parents got a divorce. I was trying to hide it.

Why didn’t you tell your friend about your parents’ divorce?

Can I ask why you didn’t tell her or why you were trying to hide it? I think that for that time in Greece divorce was something very, you know, they were pointing the finger on you if your parents were, it’s not some, it wasn’t something so common as it is in these days, and I was feeling also a little bit embarrassed also when we were going out, I was looking with my dad, I was looking, you know, if we were going to a restaurant for example, I was looking around the other families that they were all mom, dad, and kids and I was afraid, and I was feeling that everybody is watching us, and they see that the mom is missing, so that something is wrong here.

And then you would feel embarrassed? Embarrassed yes, I was feeling embarrassed. No wonder you didn’t have space to deal with your own emotions, you were dealing with everything else, you there was no room for you to, to do, yeah.

Did anybody take care of you during this process?

Did anybody look after you? I think nobody, yeah, because everybody was a bit shocked with this, with the divorce, and they were trying to handle it, for example also for my grandmother was something really hard for her, and she was feeling really sad, for her daughter and for, I don’t know maybe, she took it also personally due to the third person. And um, well everybody was trying to tell me that my dad is a bad guy, and you have to take care of your mom, and nobody actually, well they were asking me if I am okay, but I, I, I had to be the strong person to take care of my mom so when you ask me, when you say all this, and then you ask me how, how am I, I think that you can’t expect me to open up and speak.

It’s true and also you’re going, what if you open up then who’s going to contain those feelings, who’s going to take them, and look and if even if I missed my mum, my dad I was, it was really hard for me to express this and talk about it because he was a bad guy, how I could miss a, a person that betrayed my mom. Yeah, yeah. You said something earlier on Despina you said, there was, the third person, but, you will go along with whatever is said about this other person, so if they, say the person is bad and everything then, you, you’re a child you just go along with that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think that this is, and it’s the, that’s why I think it’s a very delicate subject the, the third person and the betrayal generally and I understand as a woman I understand how hard it was for my mom, yeah, and, but on the other hand, for example for me, even at this age, that now I am 42 years old, I still don’t have a relationship with my, with this person.

Because my dad is married to this person, now and he also has a child, yeah, oh I see, even now because of all the things that I heard in the past because all of this hate, and all the anger, and all this discussion about this person, even now, I, I don’t have the courage to meet this person and talk with her, because I feel that I’m betraying my mom if I do it. And if if you did do that today, do you think you would actually be betraying her, do you think that she, she would I’m feeling, yes that she will feel she will feel bad, she will feel that I’m hurting her if I do this. What about the child in the, well I would like to meet him one day, this you, haven’t met him either? No. How old is he? I think it’s 20, he’s 20,wow, what, what.

The picture I’m getting is just how deep, this has run, it wasn’t just temporary, it has run it, almost like permanent scar, and cut that hasn’t completely healed. Yeah, and I think that this, you know, doesn’t help you to have a good balance, because uh, I mean for the, it’s good to have a blended family, I feel like it’s good to have, you have more people in your life, and they probably can, you can have also a good relationship. Yeah.

But that’s why I, I think that it’s important how you talk to kids about the third person in the life of one of the parent, if this happens, and that’s why I feel that it has to be completely different because I understand how hard it was for my mom, as a woman I completely under, I 100% understand her, and most probably, I would have done the same thing as a woman. But as a kid, when you lose, it’s completely different for the kid because for the kid it’s the dad, you can’t say for to the kid that your dad is a bad guy, because the kid knows firstly that maybe he has same characteristic to this person, and it’s one of the two fundamental people in his or her life in the child’s life, yeah, yeah. If you say that this person is a bad person because he broke the marriage, because he brought a third, he met a third person, and he betrayed his um, his woman and everything they the kid maybe feels also that something, is something wrong with, with the kid also, I mean I was feeling that something was wrong with me, that I don’t have a good character, that maybe I will do the same thing when I will grow up.

Wow I see, so you’re saying because, correct me if I’m wrong, so you’re saying as a child, you know, this is Mommy, this is Daddy. So I love this person, I love that person. I’m part this person, I’m part that person, these are my parents, so if you’re told one parent is a bad parent, then, you start thinking am I also bad because I’m part this person. I’m part, I mean, I have half the DNA, of this person, so whatever you say about this person the kid will feel like it maybe, it’s also they, they, they make it a. They introject, they take, yes, yes, yes, that’s really important and I wish, I wish parents could hear that because, I’ve worked a lot with parents who are going through divorce, and um, both as a family mediator, which I used to do before, and then as a psychologist, where parents are going through divorce and they’re struggling with a divorce. And this part that you’re saying about how you speak about the other parent, actually can affect the child not just in terms of the relationship with that parent, but personal, how they view themselves. Yeah.

When you decided you didn’t want to see your dad anymore, was that a way to protect yourself?

When you decided you don’t want to see your dad anymore, from what you’re saying, I’m beginning, I’m seeing it like it was a way for you to protect yourself, and, I was trying to protect myself to, I was trying to find the solution to this situation where I wasn’t in the middle. Yeah, yeah.

And this lasted for 20 years? Yes, because after that I, I knew that uh, if I start having a relationship with him, I will have exact the exact same problems, and actually after I went to therapy, and I worked a lot with myself, and I realised certain things, and I had the courage to admit to myself that if I don’t recreate a relationship with my dad, I will always have an emptiness in me. Uh, the after that I started realising that yes, I have to have a relationship and I have to meet him again, and I felt really good with myself when I start to have again a relationship with him. But I’m still afraid, and I said to my mom that I will do that, I will have a relationship with him but I don’t want you to ask me how he is and what he’s doing. I don’t want you to know anything about that, I mean, I’m still afraid of being in the middle, yeah, even if I have worked a lot with myself, yeah, and you’re an adult you know still the fear still continues, so you, because you know the trauma creates a fear and the fear is always there and it comes up even when you don’t expect it and even if you feel an adult, you know I have my own family now, I have a kid, I am an adult still if my mom ask me how is your dad I will feel afraid to answer that question. Yeah, yeah, and does she ask you? No, no, no. You put the boundaries and, and that’s it.

When you broke contact with your dad, did he try to speak to you or visit you?

When you stopped seeing your dad did he try to reach out, try to see you, call you? He tried, he tried sometimes even if my sister feel that he had to try more, and sometimes I think about it also, but I feel that it was like a punishment for him because he was trying, he was calling, but we never answered. Okay, I, I have thought that maybe he could try harder, yeah, but um, to be honest I don’t know how difficult it was for him also. Okay. To continue pushing the same wall. Okay, there you go, already thinking about him and yeah, you know falling into the, it’s in the kid nature to think about the, and to be honest I always think and I say this, that they say in Greece that the parents are sacrifice many things for their kids but I believe the opposite.

I believe that kids sacrifice more for their parents, kids can sacrifice their own personality for their parents. Like you did? Like I did and generally I can see this many times for the kids, kids trying to protect their parents, even when they, even in the parental alienation when they don’t talk to their parents, sometimes there is another reason that has nothing to do with the other parent that they are not talking to them, and they still feel guilty for not doing it. Yeah, okay, okay.

What would you say to a dad who thinks they have tried their best for their children?

I have a question about that um, when you said he could have tried harder. Because one of the things that I found especially, most of my clients have been fathers, um, and the fathers who have been asked you need to take a parenting course so you can start seeing your children again for, for whatever reasons, and some of these fathers who have been asked by the court to take their parenting course, have been one of the mo, some of the most fantastic fathers I have met, so really good Dads, and they’re so keen to seeing their children. But sometimes I have had fathers who will say, but I have tried calling and they’re not picking up, I’ve sent messages they’re not picking up, what else do you want me to do?

What would you say to a dad who’s who thinks that he’s done the most, what, what more can they do? Well for me they have to still keep trying, yeah, with calls and messages not something else but they have to keep trying, yeah, yeah however much they find it difficult just to keep trying consistently, yeah, they find it difficult because maybe it hurts them personally, maybe it makes them feel bad, I can understand how hard it is, but the child, but you have to keep trying, you have to trying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the only evidence that you have later, to show them that you fight for them, you try to fight for them, yeah. I have a very, very close friend of mine who did that, who fought for his daughter for, years and years, and by the time they reconciled I think when she turned maybe 18/ 19, she got in touch with him, and uh, and now they see each other and you know, nice relationship, but like you say there’s the evidence he could show her, everything he had tried, going through the courts, um, trying to find like a, contact centre where they would meet everything he had like a big, you know, folder to show this is what I’ve done and I think in the background, she probably, as she was growing up she could see and she could hear and then when she was free, then she got in touch with him and she appreciated that he kept trying, but the children have no power.

 

They have no, no, no, exactly and this is also something that I’m also try to say it often to the parents but, that the kid does doesn’t have the ability and the freedom to open the door and leave the house, the kid has to stay, has to stay with one of the parent because they cannot survive if they open the door. That’s why for the kids it’s completely different, they have to survive between two people that they don’t want to see each other and they have also the possibility not to be together anymore, the kid cannot say that I will divorce my parent, you can divorce the partner but you can, you cannot divorce the parent. So that’s why it’s completely different for the kid and nobody hears the divorce through the eyes of a kid. Also the kids have a story of divorce, but it doesn’t going, nobody hurts about it. Yeah, I like that the kids also have the story of the divorce but nobody is hearing it. Yeah.

When you decided not to see your dad anymore, was it painful or was it survival?

When you decide decided not to see your dad, was there, was there, it sounds like a silly question but was it painful was it or was it just survival? No, at the moment it wasn’t painful because it was, I was in survival mode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, but when I grow up and I start working with myself I, for a years I was trying to hide all the emotions, and then I, it was also hard for me to admit that yes I miss him and, and I want to have a relationship with him and I was doing it for me because you never feel complete if you don’t have a relationship, even a bad one, with one of the, with your both parents, both parents. Yeah, yeah.

What advice would you give to parents who have not yet told their children about the divorce?

Despina what would you say to parents who are going through divorce, now, in terms of I’ll break it down in two: What did you say to parents who are listening to this and who have not yet told their children about the divorce? What advice would you give them in terms of telling the children and how to manage it from there? Well for me the announcement is not as important as how you will handle it after that, because many times they announce everything and everything looks perfect and after that it’s, it’s completely different. So for me, the most important is to start therapy first, to work with your emotions, a little bit, and then to announce it to the kids, and to be ready to handle and then to be so to be ready to handle the parenting plan, because if you cannot handle your emotion, you can never sit down and create a parenting plan and be ready to talk about the kid’s needs. Okay.

In this situation you know so where there’s let’s say a third person like in your situation and everything happens really fast, and maybe one parent says oh my gosh you’re having an affair that’s it I’m done you’re out, right, they don’t have time to go for therapy and to plan it out it, happens so fast. So if, if and I completely agree with you that the announcing of the divorce is a big deal but what is an even bigger deal. is how the divorce is managed because that can end up being this, the main trauma for the child not even that, that.

How would you suggest that parents handle the divorce to make it as child centred as possible?

So how would you suggest that parents handle it, once the announcement has been done, after that to make it as child centred as possible? For me as soon as you start therapy again, also for in this situation even if it starts really the things happens really fast, you still can as fast as the things evolve, you can start the therapy, because otherwise in a, in a month, the things will go really bad, and for the kid will be really hard to handle, but not only one both of them they have to go. This is the problem, yeah. Also especially the person that was betrayed and uh, so that the other parent had an affair, this is the person especially that has to go to the therapist, right, okay.

And the children, and therapy, or you think if the parents? No I think that if the parents go, the kids will be fine. Yeah, I, I agree with that, I agree with that. Yeah, because then they learn how to look up, they know how to explain the things, yes, and they will divide their emotions from the kids, yeah, yeah, and they will be maybe they will be able to see how hard it is for the kids. Yeah, okay.

Should parents tell the school or teacher about their divorce?

Another question is um, with regards to school, do they tell the teachers, do they tell school that we’re going through divorce, or do they keep quiet about it? I mean, what, what would your view be on that, I know I have my view on it but, to be honest to, to be honest I was feeling embarrassed, I didn’t want for my professions, for my teachers to know about the divorce.

But I think that the, the teacher should know about it, so as to handle it in a more delicate way, and if they see a strange behaviour, to be able to help, yeah, and to be able to know why this strange behaviour is here, otherwise if they don’t know, and the child starts changing their behaviour, they’re not concentrating, they’re playing out, and they’re like what’s wrong with this child, yeah, but as soon as they know ah, there’s something happening at home then they’re able, and also children reach an age where they spend more time at school than they do at home, yeah. So you know.

And maybe if they have a good relationship with the teacher maybe they can discuss about it, but it’s good, and the teacher should never go to the child and say that I know about that, yeah, it’s the kid that has to go to the teacher and confess this. Tell the teacher yeah and, and, um.

How did you get back in contact with your dad?

How did you get back with your dad? I just called him once and I, told him that I, how are you? What are you doing? I was afraid to do the call, but after that I felt really good with the, with myself, yeah, therapy helped me to take the step, and do it, yeah, it could not have been easy but I’m glad that you did it because I imagine that I, I always, I often say that if you have that question shall I get in touch? Shall I not get in touch? Then get in touch I would say, because if you are absolutely sure that you didn’t want to get in touch, then you wouldn’t have the question, you know, the back of your mind should I get in touch, just get in touch and then, see what happens from there, and then you don’t ever have to have the question again.

Yes, yes, I completely agree with this. Yeah, yeah.

Does your daughter see your father?

So is your, I know you mentioned that you have a little daughter, so is your daughter seeing your dad? Do they. Well uh, we have a, trying he, he cannot walk he had an operation, okay, and he, he doesn’t want to see her right now because he has some difficult problems with his health he has some issues but uh, I mean, I am sending her, sending him photos and I hope that one time he will meet her. Yeah, yeah so it’s kind of like slowly building up you know yes, yes, yeah, okay, all right.
Um, so your book Despina, yeah, where can we get it? Uh, on Amazon, it’s in English and also in uh, Portuguese, okay, you can find it also in Portuguese, yes, they are both on Amazon, and in Portuguese is also available from [unclear] okay, all right, and I have also created a diary, that goes with the book that you can find it also on Amazon, only because I think that it’s really good for the kids to write their emotion at least, if they don’t have anyone to confess and to talk, they can write for themselves certain things or certain thoughts. Okay, oh, that’s so, the, the diary is for the children, children yes, it’s also, okay, so it’s, it’s separate from the book? It’s separate from the book yes, they can, you can buy it or not, but the independently from the diary if the kids don’t have someone to confess and to talk, it’s good if you help them to write down their thoughts, and I think, even if they have somebody to, to talk to and somebody still wants to, you know to, to write things down for themselves because writing can be very helpful, to process you know um, what we’re going going through.

And what’s the title of your diary? What’s the diary, the, it’s just the diary, the diary and it’s under my name, yeah, that’s, okay, all right. One last thing I would like to say now that we were talking about the diary, because for the kids it’s very, it’s very important when you are with a kid, to let them free to express all their emotions for the other parent. I mean even if they say that they had a good time, be happy, try to be happy for them, yeah, if they get a present that you don’t like, yes, from the other parent, and you don’t agree with this present, or you think that it’s really cheap, try not, to, it’s important not to say anything. Yeah, yeah, this is the only way that they will feel like they have the space, and they feel secure, and they will be able to express themselves. Yeah, I absolutely, and thank you so much for bringing that up, I absolut, absolutely agree with that in those situations I think as the parent, you have to just bear it, you have to bear it and allow the child to come back and say, you know, when I was at daddy’s I did this, and this, and that, and when I was at mommies, oh yeah, that sounds really um, like it sounds like you had a good time, and even if inside you’re thinking to yourself, I don’t want to hear this, I don’t want to hear it, but actually just allowing the child the space to be a child.

Yes, like, like it was before the divorce exactly, exactly I mean that sometimes when, and, and I know some of the parents they, they completely say that they cannot do it, it’s such a difficult journey to go through, divorce, even where they’re no children. Right, yeah, when they’re children it makes it even harder at that point, but if we going to go and continue parenting full on, the way we would parent even before for the divorce, there are certain things that can make the child’s world much, much easier to cope with. Completely different, it will completely, and it will not leave any trauma. Yeah, yes, exactly, exactly and it’s, it’s things like um, and some of the parents tell me I’m absolutely not doing that, I say okay, so it’s Mother’s Day, go and get your child a Mother’s Day card for his mom, or her mom, it’s Daddy’s birthday, get them to you know, as much as you just don’t like the person but he’s still the person who is important to your most important person, and she’s still the most important person to, you know and when I tell parents that they’re like I promise you, I am not buying a Mother’s Day card, it’s not happening but at least I’ve put that idea there because, I look at the child, you know, the child and look at it from the perspective of the child, oh Mommy happy Mother’s Day, you know.

And don’t talk about money! No, oh gosh, this, this was a great, this was such a huge issue, wow, did you have to do that? Yes, I had to, to talk a lot about money because my dad was, wasn’t paying anything, almost anything for us, and my mom was paying everything for us. So I was feeling that I was a burden for my mom because he was paying everything, and I was a feeling that I was nothing for my dad because he wasn’t, he didn’t want to pay anything, wow, yeah, so if you talk about money, kids will never feel good, because if you say that I spend a lot for you, they will not feel that you care, they will feel that they are a burden, and if you say that your dad or your mom doesn’t pay anything for you, they will just feel that they don’t love them enough. Yeah, so don’t talk about money. Yeah.

There are three things that I say, when, to parents when they’re going through divorce and that’s one of them. Don’t involve children in adult matters. They don’t need to know when you’re going to court, they don’t need to know what the court papers have said, they don’t need to know what their financial agreement is,, they don’t they just, because they don’t have any power to deal with this ,they don’t know what to make of it they don’t, this, like you say they can’t say, I’m leaving, so, don’t involve children in adult matters, do not get them to mediate, between the parents you know, can you tell your mom this, can you tell, you know, in terms of mediating oh, but you know I really love your dad, maybe if you told your dad he would listen to you, oh, you know, your mom, you know.

It’s, it’s kind of like, just don’t get them to mediate, and don’t let them be messengers, you know, go and tell your mom I’m coming on Saturday at 2:00, mom, dad is coming at 2:00, 2 o’clock is not his time, you know, and then it just becomes like I’m just giving you a message but then, like you had to do, soften the message, timing, everything look after it, so that it, it doesn’t, it can have a soft landing. And kids sometimes in this dialogue they will try to say maybe also opposite things to each parent, probably they will say for example, to the dad I had a great time with you, and they will say to their mom no, I, I, it was boring with Dad, I didn’t like it, yeah, and when they will go to mediation they will start fighting because they will see but, the kid told me that he had a great time, and Mom will say no, but he, he said that he didn’t like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, we need to just, like you say continue parenting as we would before the divorce, that’s why I think that the therapist will help, nothing else can help, and also the, for the people that go to the court and they believe that the judge will see the case, and they will understand and they leave the judge to decide for their families I mean, I find it really, difficult, to believe that the judge in 15 minutes will decide about the family of, around 10/ 15 years that they are together and they, they will decide exactly and, what it’s best for this family. For the child where, where the child goes, on which day, at what time , and everything like that. Yeah, I think um, and, and I, I, I, think that nowadays even judges don’t want people to come to court, no, no they don’t, yeah.

Despina if anybody wanted to contact you with regards to, not just your book, but um, just to ask, ask you questions can they do that about how to manage their own, yeah. Yes, of course, well I can talk about my personal relationship, I mean about me, and my experience and as a mediator yes, I could give some advices, of course, okay, and yes, I will be happy to help um.

You have a website? I don’t have a website, I have my email and I have a Instagram, uh Facebook, yes, and TikTok. This time, what’s your social media? It’s a, author Despina, you can find me under my name, and with the word author in front, okay, author Despina Mavridou. Yeah. Okay. For Instagram? For Instagram, yeah, okay, all right.

Thank you so, so much for taking the time, thank you, yeah, I know, it’s, I hope that it was helpful and if there are any questions we can do also another one, if you want to answer them, yeah, yeah, honestly I think um, I, I hope as many parents as possible will listen to this and even, if you change the direction that one or two parents are taking currently, with the divorce of their children, then um, that would be a job well done. Yeah, yeah, thank you so much. Thank you, take care, bye-bye.

[Music]

Read more articles by Despina Mavridou.

About Despina Mavridou

My name is Despina Mavridou. I am an author, a mediator and a lawyer in Greece.

I experienced the negative effects of divorce due to my parents’ separation when I was ten years old. For many years I was in the middle of their fights, trying to find a balance. When I was approx. 17 years old, I decided that I didn’t want to see my dad anymore. This cost me my relationship with him for more than 20 years (we have reunited recently).

After many years working as a lawyer, in the last four years I discovered mediation and also my passion for writing. For this reason, I left my job as a lawyer to concentrate on my passion.

My first published book is titled Mum, Dad, Can you hear me? and it is partially based on my personal story. I always wanted to share certain things with my parents to make them understand how I was feeling about their divorce.

Moreover, working as a mediator in family dispute issues, I saw how difficult it is for parents to get in their kid’s shoes.

The specific book Mum, Dad Can you hear me? serves dual purpose.

On one hand I want to help children understand that divorce is not the end of the world and that they can have both parents in their lives.

On the other hand, I want to help parents see divorce through the eyes of a ten-year-old girl to better understand the thoughts, needs and feelings of children and how important it is for them to have both parents in their lives.

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When Your Ex Has a Bigger Holiday Budget: A Guide to Keeping Christmas Special
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When Your Ex Has a Bigger Holiday Budget: A Guide to Keeping Christmas Special

Published on
chloe-o-contributor
Chloe O.
Alternative Dispute Resolution professional and Certified Divorce Coach
The Divorce and Separation Coach

The holiday season can be challenging for divorced co-parents, especially when one parent has a more generous budget for gifts. When your ex can spend more lavishly on presents, it can leave you feeling sad or frustrated about holiday arrangements, especially if you’re feeling financially constrained. Acknowledge these feelings without judgment and find ways to care for yourself during the holidays.

In this article, I share a variety of approaches and coping strategies to ensure your Christmas is filled with meaning, no matter what your financial circumstances are. Here are strategies for handling differing budgets with grace, fostering a positive holiday experience, coparenting effectively with your ex and strengthening your bond with your children.

1. Shift the Focus to Meaningful Moments Over Material Gifts

When your budget is tighter, think about ways to create lasting memories that don’t centre around material items. Moments like decorating the tree together, going ice-skating, or making holiday crafts are valuable ways to build a joyful holiday atmosphere. Emphasise activities that create a sense of connection, so the focus moves away from presents to experiences.

Studies show that people, especially children, remember moments and feelings more vividly than they do material items. This means that building memories fosters a warm, lasting impression.

It’s natural for children to get excited about gifts, and sometimes they might even compare what they receive from each parent. While you don’t need to address financial matters directly, you can teach the values of gratitude and caring in a gentle way.

If gifts are a central part of your holiday tradition, consider offering experience-based gifts rather than things. For example, you might plan a special outing, like a trip to a local museum, a picnic in the snow, or baking holiday classics. These activities can become cherished memories that feel just as fulfilling as a physical gift.

This approach teaches kids to appreciate a range of experiences and helps them understand that different families and homes can have varying holiday celebrations. Gratitude goes a long way in building a more positive, balanced attitude in children toward the holidays and life in general.

2. Have a Constructive Conversation with Your Ex (If Possible)

If you and your ex maintain open communication, consider addressing the gift-giving topic to create a more balanced approach. It might feel uncomfortable, but setting a unified intention can help avoid the potential of gift-giving becoming a competition. You can suggest various solutions: buying joint gifts for the children or agreeing a similar budget can be a good idea. Some parents do a mix of both, where they will split the cost of a larger gift “from Father Christmas” and agree on a similar budget for smaller gifts from each parent. You can be as creative as you wish with these arrangements, the key is to collaborate effectively to find a solution that allows the children to have a wonderful experience, no matter how much you spend.

Frame the conversation with a positive focus, using language that reflects your intentions for the children’s benefit rather than any frustration or jealousy. When you both prioritise the kids’ happiness, you’re more likely to find common ground on holiday arrangements.

3. Create New Holiday Traditions

One way of making Christmas special for your children is to start a unique post-divorce family tradition that they can look forward to every year. Maybe it’s a specific holiday movie marathon, preparing a festive meal, or spending Christmas Eve together reading holiday stories. Traditions like these not only help establish your home as a place of stability and warmth but also show children that the holiday’s joy comes from family, love, and consistency.

One idea I often share, is to design a fun and budget-friendly holiday calendar. Plan daily or weekly festive activities that don’t require a large budget. For example:

  • Holiday Movie Nights: Watching classic holiday movies as a family with homemade popcorn.
  • Long Forest Walk Followed by Hot Chocolate: Take your children on a nice long walk in the cold before returning home for a large cup of hot chocolate and their favourite treats.
  • Christmas Baking Day: Pick one day to bake holiday cookies together and enjoy the results.
  • Holiday Lights Adventure: Go to the closest high street to see all the festive decorations and displays.

Simple activities like these add excitement and anticipation, creating a festive atmosphere in a way that feels more special than any expensive gift.

4. Stay Positive and Avoid Comparisons

Comparing yourself to your ex, or even to other families, can fuel insecurity. Instead, focus on what you can offer and remember that emotional security and stability are gifts that children will carry with them for life.

Children pick up on emotional cues and can sense when parents feel down or inadequate. Maintaining a positive attitude helps them see that holiday joy isn’t tied to what they receive. Modelling this positive approach encourages resilience and gratitude in children.

While it might feel difficult to watch your ex give extravagant gifts, remember that supporting your children’s relationship with both parents is beneficial. You can show genuine excitement for what they receive from their other parent, while still showing pride in the experiences and gifts you provide.

This doesn’t mean you have to agree with every choice your ex makes, but it does mean showing respect for your children’s enthusiasm and experiences. This attitude will foster a sense of security and help your kids feel loved by both parents without any guilt or confusion.

Final Thoughts

While it’s natural to feel pressure or frustration when your ex has a larger holiday budget, remember that the joy your children experience during Christmas doesn’t hinge on expensive gifts but on the warmth, joy, and love you bring into your home. By emphasising meaningful moments, maintaining a positive mindset, and focusing on what you can provide, you’re giving your children the best gift of all—cherished memories and a stable, loving holiday experience.

Read more articles by Chloe O.

About Chloe O.

“My name is Chloe O., I am an Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) professional and a Certified Divorce Coach. I specialise in working with women to help them reduce conflict during and after divorce by improving their negotiation and communication skills with their spouse. The objective is to work towards an amicable divorce outcome in order to minimise the emotional and financial cost of divorce. I work with all types of clients but I have extensive experience in supporting expatriates and international families who are dealing with the unique situation of living abroad during and after their divorce, with limited local family support, language barriers and relocation considerations.”

For more information about my work and services (including my Podcasts, newsletter, myth-buster videos…), you can visit my website and/or follow me on Instagram, Facebook or LinkedIn.

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