co-parenting advice

Family Court Leaves Children In Uncertainty For Nine Months
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Family Court Leaves Children In Uncertainty For Nine Months

Published on
Alison Bull
Alison Bull
Partner
Mills & Reeve LLP
Donna Morgan
Donna Morgan
Counsellor and Therapist
Donna Morgan Counselling
Jane Ingleby
Jane Ingleby
Partner
Mills & Reeve LLP

 

 

 

 

 

 

Private law family court cases took an average of nine months to conclude over the last two years, meaning children involved in proceedings are effectively spending the equivalent of a full school year or around six summer holidays in legal limbo, new analysis reveals.

The research, conducted by leading law firm Mills & Reeve, used Freedom of Information requests submitted to HM Courts and Tribunals Service (HMCTS) to obtain detailed data on private family court cases across 2024 and 2025, including case volumes, duration, hearing rates and regional variation.

Across private law, the family courts dealt with 44,494 cases in 2024, with an average duration of 41.8 weeks and 2.5 hearings per case. In the first half of 2025, there were 20,075 cases, with an average duration of 39.7 weeks and 2.4 hearings per case.

Commenting on the findings, Alison Bull, partner at Mills & Reeve, said: “It’s clear that too many families are still facing significant delays in the family courts, with cases routinely lasting around nine months. For children, that is not just a legal process on paper, it’s the equivalent of a full school year spent in uncertainty or around six summer holidays. Research shows that outcomes for children and young people can be negatively affected by ongoing parental disagreement and conflict, which can further feed into that uncertainty.

“While there are some signs of modest improvement in parts of the system, overall progress remains limited and uneven. The picture continues to point to sustained pressure on the family courts, with persistent delays and variability in outcomes across different types of cases and regions, indicating that underlying challenges in capacity and timeliness have not yet been fully addressed.”

These delays can prolong disputes and make it more difficult for families to move forward, leaving children without stability or certainty while arrangements remain unresolved. Donna Morgan, an experienced counsellor with more than 26 years of practice supporting children, young people, adults and families, said:

“In my experience, it’s often the uncertainty surrounding separation and divorce that has the greatest emotional impact on children. Children are remarkably resilient when they feel safe, informed and supported. However, when decisions remain unresolved for extended periods, children can be left feeling anxious, confused and emotionally unsettled.

“Children rely on stability and predictability to feel secure. When they are unsure where they will live or when they will see each parent, many begin to worry about things they cannot control. What they need is reassurance, consistency and confidence that the adults around them are working to protect their wellbeing. This can make a significant difference to a child’s emotional health both during separation and in the years that follow.”

Across both years, the North West remained the highest region for hearings per private law family court case across both 2024 and 2025, recording an average of 2.8. Meanwhile, London recorded the lowest average hearings per case in 2024 at 2.3, while Wales recorded the lowest average in 2025 at 2.1.

As a result of these delays, family arbitrations in England and Wales have doubled since 2023, according to figures from the Institute of Family Law Arbitrators. This followed a rule change in 2024 requiring parties to consider alternative forms of dispute resolution before proceeding to court.

Family arbitration is a private process used to resolve financial and children arrangement disputes when couples separate, providing a binding decision without the need for court proceedings where agreement cannot be reached through mediation or negotiation. It can be used to resolve disputes concerning children as well as financial matters.

Jane Ingleby, partner at Mills & Reeve, added: “When court timetables are stretched, families often benefit from considering alternative routes to resolution. Solutions like family arbitration offer a private and structured way to resolve disputes about finances and children without the delays of court. 

“It allows parties to choose an experienced decision-maker, set more flexible timetables and reach binding outcomes more quickly, while maintaining confidentiality. For many separating couples, it can provide a more efficient and focused way of resolving issues at what is often a very difficult time.”

Donna has also shared five tips for parents supporting children through separation:  

  • Provide age-appropriate honesty: Children need truthful information that is appropriate for their age and level of understanding. 
  • Maintain routines wherever possible: Regular routines around school, activities, mealtimes and bedtime help children feel secure.
  • Keep children out of adult conflict: Children should never feel responsible for managing communication between parents or be asked to take sides. 
  • Encourage emotional expression: Create opportunities for children to talk, ask questions, draw, play, or express their emotions in ways that feel comfortable and natural to them. 
  • Offer frequent reassurance: Remind them that the separation is not their fault and that the adults around them are working together to keep them safe and cared for.

Read more articles by Mills & Reeves LLP.

About Alison Bull

Alison is a highly experienced family mediator, financial and children arbitrator, and lawyer. She is passionate about sorting things out without attending court if possible, and used to handling complex, conflictual situations in England & Wales and internationally. She focuses on the bigger picture and the best interests of children, and is an effective litigator when required. Alison helps clients to agree parenting plans, and with issues about property, businesses, trusts, pensions and international assets. As well as working with individuals, she has conducted many cases working with separating couples who want to reach agreement together in mediation or with the advice of one lawyer.

About Donna Morgan

Donna Morgan is an experienced counsellor with more than 26 years of practice supporting children, young people, adults and families. She specialises in anxiety, trauma, family relationships, separation and emotional wellbeing. Drawing on a humanistic and trauma-informed approach, Donna helps parents and children navigate significant life transitions with greater emotional safety, resilience and understanding.

Alongside her private practice in Surrey, Donna has extensive experience working within educational settings and supporting families through periods of change, conflict and emotional challenge. Her work focuses on helping parents better understand their children’s emotional needs while building healthier communication and stronger family relationships during times of transition.

About Jane Ingleby

Jane is a highly experienced family law solicitor, with a particular focus on complex financial and children matters. Her practice includes high-conflict child arrangements, allegations of alienating behaviours and domestic abuse, UK and international relocation and surrogacy.

She is also highly skilled in advising on the financial aspects of separation, especially in cases involving businesses and trusts. In addition, Jane provides expert guidance on wealth protection, including pre- and post-nuptial agreements.

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Term-Time Holiday Fines: What Happens When Separated Parents Disagree
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Term-Time Holiday Fines: What Happens When Separated Parents Disagree

Published on
Teresa Davidson
Teresa Davidson
Partner & Head of Family
Winston Solicitors

Every August, the same story runs. The fines have gone up. It’s £80 per parent, per child, doubling to £160 if you don’t pay in time. Take three children to Spain in June, and the cost gets uncomfortable quickly.

However, what the coverage almost never addresses is the household where the decision was never a joint one. Because a notice is issued per parent, a single trip can produce a fine for a parent who did not book it, did not agree to it and did not go. That is not an anomaly or a misapplication of the rules; it is simply how the framework works.

The framework introduced in August 2024 was designed to bring consistency to how absence is treated across England. It is admirably clear about what triggers a notice and what it costs. It is silent on the question separated parents most often ask: my ex booked this, so why am I being fined for it?

What the Rules Say About Fines

The National Framework for Penalty Notices took effect on 19 August 2024. It sets a single national threshold: a notice must be considered where a child has 10 sessions of unauthorised absence, usually five school days, within a rolling 10 school week period. Those absences do not need to be consecutive.

A first notice is £80 per parent, per child, if paid within 21 days, rising to £160 if paid between days 22 and 28. A second notice for the same child within three years is a flat £160. After two notices in three years, the local authority considers prosecution instead, and a conviction means a criminal record. Head teachers can authorise absence only in exceptional circumstances, and cheaper flights are not one of them.

All of that tells you what a fine costs, but none of it tells you what happens when the two people with parental responsibility disagree.

Why the Law Counts You as a Parent Even if You Said No

Here is the point that catches people out, and the reason the framework produces results that feel so unjust to separated families.

For education law purposes, “parent” is defined far more widely than most people expect. It captures every biological or adoptive parent, everyone else holding parental responsibility, and, separately, any person who has care of the child. It says nothing about who booked the holiday, who paid for it, or who travelled. The legislation asks who the child’s parents are, not who made the decision, and that distinction is the whole difficulty for separated families.

The practical effect is that a parent who did not consent, did not book and stayed at home all week still falls within the definition, and can be issued with a notice on that basis. Depending on the circumstances, a new partner with day-to-day care of the child may fall within it too, even without parental responsibility.

To illustrate how quickly that can add up, imagine a separated couple with two children. One parent takes both away for a week in term time without the other’s agreement. In principle, that is four notices, one to each parent for each child. Paid promptly, that would come to £320. Left beyond 21 days, it would be £640.

Can Both Parents be Fined for One Trip?

In principle, yes, but in practice, it depends significantly on where you live. Local authorities decide whether to issue, and approaches vary. Some will consider written representations from a parent who neither knew about nor consented to the absence. Others issue to both as a matter of routine. It is worth contacting the attendance team promptly, and in writing, to find out which applies to you.

Understanding what a penalty notice is helps here. It is an out-of-court settlement offered as an alternative to prosecution, not to a conviction, and there is no formal right of appeal. The realistic choices are to pay, or to decline and put your case forward if prosecution follows. Keep in mind that the second route carries real risk and should not be taken without advice, because the available defences are narrow.

If you are making representations, what is likely to carry weight is evidence that you objected: a dated message to the other parent, an email to the school before the absence asking that your objection be recorded, confirmation of the child arrangements in place.

Object in writing to the other parent and to the school, and do it before the trip rather than after the notice arrives.

How the Court Can Stop a Trip Before it Happens

Taking a child out of school for a holiday is an exercise of parental responsibility. Where parents who share it cannot agree, the family court can decide for them.

A Prohibited Steps Order under section 8 of the Children Act 1989 prevents a particular step being taken without the court’s permission. In this context, that step would be removing the child from school during term time, or taking them out of the country for the trip. In deciding whether to make the order, the court applies the welfare checklist, weighing the disruption to the child’s education against the value of the holiday itself, and considering whether the objection is genuinely child-focused.

Section 8 also helps the parent on the other side of the argument. A Specific Issue Order asks the court to decide a particular question about a child’s upbringing, and the travelling parent can apply for one to seek approval for the trip when the other parent refuses.

Timing matters enormously. These applications can be made urgently, and in a genuine emergency without notice, but the court prefers advance notice and evidence that agreement was attempted first. In most cases you will also be expected to have attended a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting. A parent who takes advice in April about a June trip has options, but a parent who calls two days before departure has very few.

If the trip involves taking the child overseas, the issue may be far more serious than an unauthorised absence. Taking a child out of the UK without the consent of everyone with parental responsibility, or without the court’s permission, can amount to child abduction.

There is one exception, which is if a child arrangements order names you as the person the child lives with. Then, you can take them abroad for up to a month without the other parent’s consent. However, that exception only covers taking the child out of the country. It says nothing about school. A parent relying on it is still keeping the child out of lessons without authorisation, and can still be fined for it.

If you Already Have a Child Arrangements Order

Most child arrangements orders deal with where a child lives and/or when they spend time with each parent. Few say anything useful about term time travel or who applies to the school for leave of absence.

That gap is worth closing. Provisions that repay the effort include a minimum notice period for proposed holidays, an express agreement that neither parent will book term time travel without the other’s written consent, and agreement on how any penalty will be shared.

What to do Next

If you want to travel in term time, then ask the head teacher in advance and expect refusal. Secure the other parent’s written agreement before you book. Agree in writing who bears any penalty. Remember that going ahead without agreement may fine the other parent too, which rarely improves the co-parenting relationship.

If you object, then say so in writing, immediately, and keep the record. Tell the school before the absence. Take advice early rather than in the final week, when the options have already narrowed. If a notice arrives, do not simply ignore it.

The disagreement addressed in April is usually resolved with a conversation or a letter. The same disagreement left until the week of departure is resolved with an urgent court application, at far greater cost, and with the child considerably more aware of it. That last point is the one worth holding on to.

This article is general information about the law in England as at the date of publication and is not legal advice. Penalty amounts, thresholds and local authority practice are subject to change.

About Teresa Davidson

Teresa Davidson is a Partner and Head of Family at Winston Solicitors, advising on all aspects of private children law, including child arrangements, disputes over parental responsibility and urgent applications to the family court.

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Why Clear Records Matter So Much During Co-Parenting After Separation

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Patrick Caia
Founder, Calm Co-Parenting

Separation is rarely just one conversation or one decision. For many parents, it becomes a long period of uncertainty, emotion, practical changes, and difficult communication. In the middle of that, it can be very easy for important details to become scattered across text messages, emails, phone calls, memory, screenshots, receipts, calendars, and conversations that happened in the moment.

For separated parents, clear records are not about being difficult or trying to “build a case” against the other parent. At their best, records are about clarity, protection, and reducing confusion. They help parents understand what has actually happened, what was agreed, what still needs to be resolved, and where patterns may be developing.
One of the hardest parts of co-parenting after separation is that communication often happens under stress. A message sent quickly in frustration can be interpreted differently later. A handover arrangement may be agreed verbally but forgotten. A school expense may be paid by one parent and disputed by the other. A change to care arrangements may feel obvious to one person but unclear to the other.
When everything is kept informally, separated parents can end up relying on memory at exactly the time when memory is least reliable. Stress, lack of sleep, fear, grief, and conflict all affect how people remember events. This is why a calm, factual record can be so valuable.
A useful co-parenting record does not need to be emotional or complicated. In fact, the most helpful records are usually simple, factual, and consistent. They might include the date, time, what happened, who was involved, what was agreed, and any relevant follow-up. For example, instead of writing “They were impossible again at handover,” a clearer record would be: “Monday 3 June, 4:00pm. Handover was due at school. Other parent arrived at 4:35pm. No message was received before the delay. Child appeared settled.”
That difference matters. The first version captures emotion. The second captures information. If the issue happens once, it may not mean much. If it happens repeatedly, a factual record helps show a pattern without needing exaggeration.
Clear records can also reduce conflict because they give parents something concrete to refer back to. Instead of arguing about what was said or agreed, parents can look at the actual message, calendar entry, receipt, or note. This can be especially helpful where communication has become tense or where one parent feels they are constantly having to explain themselves.
Records are also useful when professionals become involved. Family lawyers, mediators, counsellors, parenting coordinators, and support workers often need a clear understanding of what has been happening. If a parent arrives with hundreds of screenshots and no timeline, it can be difficult for anyone to see the bigger picture. If the same parent arrives with a structured history of key events, agreements, expenses, communication issues, and concerns, the conversation can become much more focused.
For parents going through family law proceedings, clear documentation can be particularly important. Courts and legal professionals generally need evidence, not just feelings or broad statements. A parent may know they have been trying to cooperate, or that arrangements have repeatedly broken down, but it is much easier to explain that when there is a calm record showing dates, messages, missed arrangements, expenses, or changes over time.
That said, record keeping should never become obsessive or reactive. The goal is not to document every minor irritation. The goal is to keep a reliable account of the things that genuinely matter: parenting arrangements, communication about the children, expenses, school and medical information, handovers, agreements, incidents, and changes to care.
A good question for parents to ask is: “Would this information help me, the other parent, or a professional understand what happened more clearly later?” If the answer is yes, it is probably worth recording. If the answer is no, it may be better to let it go.
It is also important that records are kept respectfully and securely. Co-parenting information often involves children, private family details, finances, and sensitive communication. Parents should think carefully about where this information is stored, who can access it, and whether it can be retrieved if needed.
For many separated parents, the emotional benefit of keeping clear records is just as important as the practical one. When everything is scattered, the situation can feel chaotic. When information is organised, parents often feel a little more grounded. They may still be dealing with a difficult situation, but they are no longer relying only on memory or emotion.
Clear records do not solve every co-parenting problem. They do not replace legal advice, mediation, or therapeutic support where those are needed. But they can make a difficult situation more manageable. They can help parents communicate with more structure, prepare for professional conversations, and protect themselves from confusion.
Most importantly, clear records can help keep the focus where it belongs: on the children, the arrangements that support them, and the practical steps needed to move forward.

About Patrick Caia

Patrick Caia is the founder of Calm Co-Parenting, a platform built to help separated parents communicate more clearly, stay organised, and keep structured records during co-parenting. Created from lived experience, Calm Co-Parenting supports parents with messaging, calendars, expenses, documents, diary notes, and evidence-ready records designed to reduce confusion and support calmer decision-making.

Visit Calm Co-Parenting

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Navigating the School Holidays as Separated Parents

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Sophie Croft
Senior Associate
Stowe Family Law – Newcastle Office

When parents separate, one of the most challenging aspects to navigate is how to manage child arrangements, especially during school holidays and when planning holidays abroad. These times, which should be filled with joy and relaxation for children, can often become a source of tension if not handled thoughtfully. In this article, we’ll explore practical ways to approach these arrangements, keeping the child’s well-being at the heart of every decision.

School Holiday Arrangements: Finding Balance

School holidays are a time when children look forward to a break from their usual routines, and they often provide an opportunity for quality time with both parents. However, for separated families, deciding how to share this time can be tricky. The key is to focus on creating a plan that works for everyone, especially the children.

A common approach is to split the school holidays equally between parents. For example, at Easter each parent has one week each and during the summer holidays each parent has 3 weeks. Some families choose to split longer holidays, such as Christmas, so the children can spend time with both parents. For instance, one parent might have the children for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, while the other has them for Christmas afternoon and Boxing Day.

Flexibility is crucial here. Life is unpredictable, and plans may need to change. Open communication between parents can help avoid misunderstandings and ensure that the arrangements remain child-focused. It’s also important to consider the children’s preferences, especially as they grow older. They may have their own ideas about how they’d like to spend their holidays, and involving them in the conversation can make them feel valued and heard.

Planning Holidays Abroad: What to Keep in Mind

Taking children on holiday abroad can be a wonderful experience, but it does require careful planning when parents are separated. The first thing to remember is that if you share parental responsibility, you’ll need the other parent’s consent to take the children out of the country. This applies even if the trip is just for a short holiday.

When discussing holidays abroad, it’s helpful to provide as much detail as possible. Share your travel plans, including dates, destinations, and accommodation details. This transparency can help build trust and reduce any concerns the other parent might have. It’s also a good idea to agree on how you’ll keep in touch while you’re away, so the other parent can feel reassured about the children’s well-being.

If there are concerns about the children being returned to the UK after the holiday, it’s worth discussing safeguards. For example, some parents agree to provide written confirmation of their return plans or even financial guarantees. While these measures might not always be necessary, they can help ease anxieties and ensure that everyone feels comfortable with the arrangements. In more extreme cases, an application to Court can be made for an Order prohibiting a parent from permanently removing a child from the UK.

Keeping the Child’s Well-Being at the Centre

At the heart of all these arrangements is the need to prioritise the child’s well-being. School holidays and trips abroad should be opportunities for children to relax, have fun, and create happy memories. To achieve this, it’s important for parents to work together as a team, even if their relationship is no longer intact.

Children thrive when they feel secure and loved by both parents. By showing a willingness to cooperate and compromise, parents can create a positive environment that allows their children to enjoy their time with each parent without feeling caught in the middle of any conflict.

It’s also worth remembering that children pick up on tension between their parents. If disagreements arise, try to resolve them away from the children. This not only protects them from unnecessary stress but also sets a positive example of how to handle challenges constructively.

What to Do If Things Go Wrong

Despite everyone’s best efforts, there may be times when disagreements arise, or plans don’t go as expected. If this happens, it’s important to stay calm and focus on finding a solution that works for everyone.

To resolve matters negotiation is a great tool. This can either be negotiation between yourselves or you may choose to have a family or friend to mediate. Alternatively you can instruct a solicitor to write to the other party setting out your proposals in the hope of reaching a resolution.

Mediation can be a helpful way to resolve disputes, providing a neutral space where both parents can discuss their concerns and work towards an agreement. Mediation involves a trained third party assisting and facilitating the discussion between you with the aim of reaching a resolution. Mediation is a voluntary process and you will not be legally bound by the decision made.

If an agreement still can’t be reached, it may be necessary to make an application to Court for a child arrangements order or a specific issue order if you are disagreeing about a particular holiday you wish to take with your child. While this can feel daunting, it’s worth remembering that the focus will always be on what’s best for the child. Courts encourage parents to work together wherever possible, and any decisions made will prioritise the child’s welfare above all else.

Child arrangements orders also provide you with a clear and concise legally binding order setting out the holiday arrangements. This can avoid disputes and conflict arising in the future. It also provides you with some reassurance as if a child arrangements order is breached, an enforcement application can be made to the Court. The court has robust enforcement powers. These include imposing unpaid work requirements, varying the order, or referring parents to parenting programmes. For example, if a parent fails to return a child from a holiday abroad, the court may impose sanctions to ensure compliance with future orders.

Final Thoughts

Navigating child arrangements after separation is rarely easy, but with open communication, flexibility, and a focus on the child’s needs, it is possible to create arrangements that work for everyone. School holidays and trips abroad should be times of joy and connection for children, and by working together, parents can ensure that these moments are as special as they deserve to be.

About Sophie Croft

Sophie Croft is a Senior Associate at Stowe Family Law, based in the Newcastle office. Sophie covers all areas of divorce in her practice, and specialises in children matters. She deals with complex children cases including situations involving allegations of domestic abuse. Sophie is a Resolution accredited specialist in private children law, and private law children proceedings. She is known for her empathetic, listening ear and her clear, strategic advice.

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The Challenges of Co-Parenting at Easter – and How to Overcome Them

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Kate Banerjee
Kate Banerjee
Partner and Head of the Children Department
Jones Myers Family Law Solicitors

The Easter holidays are in full swing, bringing the usual raft of challenges for co-parents which are further exacerbated by forecasts of travel chaos by land, air, road and sea.

As always, putting children’s best interests and happiness first should always be the top priority – as difficult as this may be when external elements threaten to disrupt the best laid plans.

Below are some practical tips for co-parents to ensure their children return to school bursting with upbeat stories to tell their friends about the great times they enjoyed with both their parents.

Have A Back Up Plan And Be Flexible

If the predicted travel chaos curtails your combined plans for dividing the holiday period with your children, adapt your arrangements to prevent undue stress – both on yourselves and on them.

It has been proven time and again that children are particularly susceptible to tensions which, in some cases, can impact on their emotional and behavioural development in later life.

Having a back-up plan for any ‘ What If’ scenarios – which can include one of you falling ill or a family crisis – will serve you both well. This can apply to easter outings with one parent being rescheduled until after the official bank holiday – most children don’t return to school until April 20.

Co-operate And Communicate

Be mindful of your children’s welfare and happiness at all times – it is not a competition over who can spend the most time with them.

In scenarios where things go awry such as being late for picks up or drop offs, avoid manifesting your frustration and being irritated with each other. Above all, in the presence of your children and the absence of the other parent, avoid criticising each other.

Be Respectful And Realistic  

 Accept and respect that you cannot influence the decisions and choices of your former spouse. Be mindful and tolerant of each other’s cultures, routines and family routines which may include a co-parent wanting to involve their children in extended family birthdays or religious festivals.

Build Up A Support Network

Juggling many balls is no mean feat for any parent, particularly for separated parents who are single handedly trying to manage school schedules, along with work and household demands.

Your network can include close friends and relatives you can rely on and trust – and who won’t let you down if plans start to unravel. Seek out local community groups where you can meet and relate with like-minded parents.

At Jones Myers, our holistic approach sees us act as a signpost for councillors and relevant  channels of support that co-parents can benefit from – you do not have to undertake this journey alone.

This spirit of goodwill through considerate co-parenting can positively impact on your children’s happiness and wellbeing in the short, medium and long term.

For queries on children law, divorce, or any aspect of family law, call Leeds on 0113 246 0055, Harrogate on 01423 276104, or York on 01904 202550. Visit www.jonesmyers.co.uk, email info@jonesmyers.co.uk or tweet us @helpwithdivorce

Jones Myers’ blog is ranked 5th among the UK’s Best 25 family law blogs and websites to follow in 2026.

Read more articles by Kate Banerjee.

Read more articles by Jones Myers Family Law Solicitors.

About Kate Banerjee

Head of the Children Team, Kate has extensive experience dealing exclusively with issues relating to all aspects of children law. They include residence, contact, relocation, international child abduction and child protection work.

A consistent Chambers and Legal 500 Leading Lawyer, Kate also has considerable expertise in care proceedings and adoption work, representing parents, grandparents, guardians, local authorities and children.

Approach

Recognised for her focused, empathetic and discreet approach to clients, Kate provides a bespoke, tailor made service for each one. Former and current clients, based regionally, nationally and internationally, include high net worth individuals, media personalities and professionals. Her expertise has been called on by national broadcast and media outlets.

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Managing Parenting Stress During Separation
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Managing Parenting Stress During Separation

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Parenting stress can be bad enough when you’re in a relationship with your child’s other parent. Going through a separation can make it even more crushing.

Zarira Love
Zarira Love
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

Luckily, parenting stress is manageable if you put in the work. The following can help you lower your stress levels…

Positive affirmations

Stress can leave you feeling inadequate. Positive affirmations provide reassurance so you worry less.

Remind yourself of the good that you do for your child:

  • “I provide my child with what they need.”
  • “I listen when my child has a problem.”
  • “I’m a great parent.”
  • “I love my child unconditionally.”
  • “I stay strong for my child no matter what.”

Remind yourself that you can move forward after separation.

  • “I can get through this.”
  • “I’m desirable and worthy of love.”
  • “I have a lot to offer.”
  • “My marriage doesn’t define who I am.”
  • “This is the start of a new – and better – chapter.”

You can find many affirmations to use online or write your own to directly address your stressors. It’s all about setting intentions and turning negative self-talk into positive self-talk.

You could make crafts that incorporate your affirmations and put them around your home. This is a fun way to de-stress and make a habit of starting your day by reciting your affirmations.

Don’t compare yourself to others

Comparing yourself to others is a surefire way to make you feel lousy.

You might wonder why you couldn’t make your relationship work while others can, or why other parents never seem frazzled or overwhelmed like you do.

Understand that people often project an image that is not reality, especially on social media. Stop consuming content that makes you feel worse. Instead, look for more realistic depictions. You might turn to those in your real life who are willing to have honest conversations about their experiences with parenting and separation.

Letting go of chasing the “perfect” separation or being the “perfect” parent will lift a good deal of weight off your shoulders.

Keep yourself in check

If your child sees you engaging in harmful behaviours to relieve stress, they may have trouble managing their own negative emotions. Drinking to excess, yelling, and throwing things are bad behaviours you don’t want your child to mimic.

Stress can shorten your fuse. It’s important to hold back when you find yourself on the verge of breaking down in front of your child. If your child is frustrating you to the point that you might lash out, walk away for a moment. Take a deep breath and collect yourself.

Acknowledge how you’re feeling without letting your negative emotions take over. Eventually, you’ll realise that you are in control, which will make dealing with day-to-day mishaps and your child’s misbehaviour less stressful.

Don’t take on all parenting alone

Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for one parent to shoulder all parenting responsibility after separation. But both parents still have an obligation to care for and provide for their child.

Try to sit down together and create a temporary parenting agreement. This ensures both parents know what is expected of them. If it works well, you can make it a permanent agreement.

If you have trouble getting on the same page, you might need to go to court. The family court process in England and Wales is slightly different than the process in Scotland and in Northern Ireland. But the result is the same: a court order that clearly defines each parent’s responsibilities.

Give yourself a break

Take time to relax and reset.

Try to do something for yourself every day. It can be as simple as reading a book or watching a few episodes of your favourite show. Take a warm bath to unwind after the kids are in bed. Exercise to release tension.

You might feel guilty if you aren’t always with your child. However, getting breaks from them lets you reconnect with who you are outside of parenting. The other parent can look after them when they’re available, or you can ask a friend or relative if a sitter is too expensive.

When you are with your kids, do something fun. Baking, playing sports, making crafts, going to the cinema, and other activities are fun ways to help everyone relax.

 

Get help

It’s comforting to know there are resources available. Get support when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

  • Relatives and friends: Lean on your village for support. They can provide childcare, lend an ear when you need to vent, and more.
  • Support groups: Look for support groups for separated parents, which can provide encouragement, advice and support.
  • Therapists: A good therapist can help you talk through your problems so they aren’t weighing on your mind and help you develop coping strategies.
  • Your general practitioner (GP): Your GP makes sure you’re looking after your health and can write referrals to mental health and other services if need be.
  • Co-parenting apps: Apps like Custody X Change help you stay organised as you build your child arrangements case, keep track of your child’s activities, and more.

 

Managing parenting and separation is hard, but working to reduce your stress levels makes dealing with it much more bearable.

 

Read more articles by Custody X Change.

About Zarira Love

Zarira Love has been researching and writing articles about child custody and parenting for nearly six years. She currently resides in New York City.

Zarira is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

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Emotional Readiness and Co-Parenting: Why You Shouldn’t Rush Up a Mountain
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Emotional Readiness and Co-Parenting: Why You Shouldn’t Rush Up a Mountain

Published on
Jimi Odell
Jimi Odell
Content manager
OnePlusOne

Between the day you decide to separate and the day you finally feel settled in your new co-parenting life, there is a mountain to climb. It can be daunting and you may not feel ready to take that first step but, when children are involved, you know you’re going to have to start climbing at some point.

Emotional readiness is a key factor in how well you’ll fare on your climb. During a separation, your emotional wellbeing can take a big hit, and it’s normal to experience a range of strong emotions. If you stumble into making co-parenting arrangements while these emotions are still running wild, it can be like trying to climb with no pack, no plan, and no shoes on your feet.

It’s a different mountain for everyone, so nobody can tell you exactly which path to follow, or how long it’s going to take. Some will find it’s a steady climb with their ex-partner alongside them, and others may find themselves exhausted at base camp wondering where their ex has got to. But, even though nobody has climbed your mountain before, lots of people have climbed mountains – you can learn from their experiences, and even borrow their tools.

Emotional readiness is your ability to make effective co-parenting arrangements and handle disagreements with your ex-partner (Barlow et al., 2014).

A separation is a life-changing event and it’s very common to be dealing with a jumble of emotions that may include any combination of shame, guilt, anxiety, bitterness, anger, frustration, and more. There’s often a sense of failure or loss as you reshape your vision of the future and your understanding of the relationship. There are often positive emotions in the mix too – you may have a strong sense of relief or even hope for the future, and these can also affect the way you approach decisions.

Whatever you’re going through, all of these emotions can affect your judgement and your ability to make long-term practical decisions. At a time when you’re trying to figure out where you and your ex will live, and making important decisions about how your children will split their time, emotional readiness plays a huge part.

Emotional Readiness and Co-Parenting

When you are emotionally ready, you will be more likely to find a way through to making amicable agreements with your ex-partner. If you’re not emotionally ready, you may need support with things like communication to help you get through the next phase. Trying to make big decisions when you are not emotionally ready can actually make things worse in the long term, so it’s important to give yourself space to adjust (Barlow et al 2014).

You may find that it gets easier in time, but if you’ve already locked in your co-parenting arrangements, it can be difficult to go back and change things. Consider where you’re at right now, and where your ex-partner might be at, and try to factor that into how you make those arrangements. 

If you’re still feeling a lot of strong emotions, it might be better to make short- or medium-term arrangements for now, with a plan to reconvene when you are both feeling more settled. Having a written parenting plan can help you manage this, especially if you build in an agreement to review your plans and adjust them based on how they’ve been working. You might want to choose a time frame for this – say, three or six months, depending on what feels right for your family.

Emotional adjustment happens at different speeds for different people. As you climb your own personal mountain, it’s likely you’ll find that you and your ex don’t reach the summit at the same time. You may take completely different routes to get there. 

A big part of this comes down to which of you initiated the separation. If it was your idea to separate, you’ll have had much longer than your ex to get used to the idea. You’ve probably been making plans in the back of your mind for a while. If, on the other hand, it was your ex-partner’s idea to separate, you might still be in shock at the sudden change, with no idea about what you’re going to do next. It’ll take some time to accept things before you can even begin to make plans.

Whichever side of the mountain you’re on, try to be considerate to the idea that you and your ex-partner are having different experiences. You may need to be patient while your ex catches up, or accept that your ex is further along in the journey than you.

Measuring Emotional Readiness

You might already have a sense of your own emotional readiness, just based on how you feel, but there is an accurate and scientific way of measuring it. In 2020, a team of researchers published their findings about a test called the Emotional Adaptation to Relationship Dissolution Assessment (or EARDA for short). The ten-question test takes a measure of how you’re feeling in ten key emotional areas (Millings et al. 2020):

  • Shame
  • Guilt
  • Relief
  • Anxiety
  • Loss
  • Anger
  • Resentment
  • Frustration
  • Failure
  • Hope

Even just taking this test can be a useful process to help you reflect on how you are doing now, and whether anything is starting to shift. You can find this tool on OnePlusOne’s free co-parenting app, Separating better along with lots of support on how to deal with difficult emotions, talking to children, housing, finance, and more. There’s also a free parenting plan and a video course to help you work on your communication skills so that you can start to improve your emotional readiness.

Think of it as a set of climbing tools that you can put in your pocket and look at any time you feel stuck on the side of the mountain. The app is available for free at least until the end of January 2026.

About Jimi Odell

Jimi Odell is a writer who has specialised in parenting and relationships for over 15 years. He has worked with the charity OnePlusOne since 2014, creating evidence-based support and interventions to help people get on better. He is one of the creators behind the Separating better co-parenting app, a one-stop shop for separating parents which includes Behaviour Modelling Training videos to help co-parents learn conflict resolution and positive communication skills.

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Divorce & Disabled Children: Why a Child’s Needs are Paramount
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Divorce & Disabled Children: Why a Child’s Needs are Paramount

Published on
Sarah Whitelegge
Sarah Whitelegge
Legal Director
Myerson Solicitors

Why a child’s needs are the paramount consideration on divorce

On divorce, the court will consider a list of factors under section 25 of the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 when deciding how assets are to be divided.

Section 25 (1) provides that the court must give first consideration to the welfare of a child of the family who has not attained the age of 18.

The Matrimonial Causes Act 1973, Section 52 (1) defines a child of the family as:

  • A child of both parties; and
  • Any other child who has been treated by both parties to a marriage as a child of their family (not including a foster child placed with the parties as foster parents by the local authority or voluntary agency).

The court will have regard to the child’s housing and day to day income needs and such needs may take on a greater significance in comparison with the other factors to which the court must have regard to in cases where the assets and means of the parties are limited.

Factors the court will consider

The court must have regard to all the circumstances of the case and will look at all the relevant issues that are not specifically address in the Matrimonial Causes At 1973 Section 25(2) checklist.

 The Section 25 factors considered by the court on financial provision include the following:

  • The income, earning capacity and other financial resources each party has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future.
  • The financial needs, obligations and responsibilities each party has or is likely to have.
  • The standard of living enjoyed by the family before the breakdown of the marriage.
  • The age of each party and the duration of the marriage.
  • Any physical or mental disability of either party.
  • The contributions each party has made or is likely to make to the welfare of the family.
  • The conduct of each party.

The weight given to each factor depends on the particular facts and circumstances of each case. The objective is to achieve a fair outcome. An equal division of the marital assets may be appropriate where there is sufficient capital to house both parents. In cases where the assets are more limited, the needs of the child may override issues of equal sharing.

Dividing assets in a divorce is rarely straightforward but when a child has significant physical or learning disability, the question of housing is important. If the family home has been adapted with ramps, hoists, widened doorways or sensory safe spaces, it may be impractical ad unsafe to move a child to a new property that is not set up to meet the needs of the child.

Consideration will need to be given as to whether the adapted property should remain with the parent who is the primary carer.

The court will consider expenses associated with the child’s accommodation and basic expenses such as the cost of food and clothing. The court will also have regard to the standard of living of the family and all the circumstances of the case, including how the children are educated.

Section 25(2) above refers to the financial needs, obligations and responsibilities each parent has in relation to a child, but these responsibilities will not disappear when a child turns 18 particularly if a child has lifelong needs.

If a child has a disability, this may constitute special circumstances that may allow a financial provision order to be made that extends beyond their 18th birthday. Additionally, the court may make a maintenance order to meet expenses attributable to the child’s disability provided the criteria set out in CSA 1991, Section 8 (8) are fulfilled.

The court will wish to ensure that adequate provision is made for children with a disability and it may consider making periodical payments order or lump sum order to meet capital expenditure if, for example, any special equipment is required.

Child support for children with special needs

The court has jurisdiction to make orders for maintenance in respect of a child with special needs, notwithstanding the general restrictions upon making periodical payments for the benefit of a child who falls within the jurisdiction of the Child Maintenance Service. The court can make these orders regardless of whether an application for a maintenance calculation has been made.

Nesting arrangements

If separated parents feel that it will be of benefit to their child to provide some consistency, consideration may be given to a nesting arrangement. This involves separated parents taking it in turns to look after their children in the family home while the other parent temporarily lives elsewhere. This means that the child can stay in one home while parents rotate in and out of that home.

For a disabled child, this can be a helpful arrangement as it avoids moving equipment that the child may need and ensures the child remains in a familiar adapted space.

However, what may suit the child’s welfare may not be financially sustainable for the parents long-term and nesting may be a temporary measure rather than a permanent solution.

Planning for transition

Many parents of disabled children will find that support that was available through children’s services may fall away and for separated parents in divorce proceedings this presents an added dimension: financial settlements and child maintenance orders often assume that support for children ends at adulthood, but for many young disabled people their needs remain lifelong.

The Care Act 2014 provides when the local authority has carried out an assessment, information should be provided about whether the young person or child’s acer is likely to have eligible needs for care and support when they turn 18.

The Care Act 2014 sets out when the local authority has a responsibility to meet someone’s care and support needs. The act gives local authorities a legal responsibility to provide a care and support plan (or a support plan in the case of a carer). The personal budget must be included in the plan, and this adds to a person right to ask for a direct payment to meet some or all their needs.

The Children and Families Act creates a birth to 25 years Education, Health and Care Plan for children and young people with special educational needs and offers families personal budgets so that they have control over the type of support they receive.

Practical tips for separating parents of disabled children

On separation it is important to consider the following questions:

  • Should child maintenance or financial provision extend beyond 18 where a disabled young adult cannot support themselves
  • Can any settlement include provision for long-term care, sometimes structured through a trust
  • How should parents balance their own retirement planning against the knowledge that their child may always need financial and practical support

Read more articles by Sarah Whitelegge.

Read more articles by Myerson Solicitors.

About Sarah Whitelegge

Sarah Whitelegge is a Legal Director at Myerson Solicitors, Altrincham, Cheshire. She advises on a wide range of family matters including divorce, dissolution of civil partnerships, financial settlements, separation, co-habitation, pre and postnuptial agreements, disputes regarding children and domestic violence.

She is particularly experienced in matters concerning complex children matters and has experience of dealing with applications for child arrangement orders, prohibited steps orders, specific issue orders, and special guardianship orders.

She has significant advocacy experience, having regularly appeared in the Family Courts representing clients in relation to private law children matters, financial order proceedings and domestic violence matters.

Sarah is a committed member of Resolution and has achieved specialist accreditation in private children law and domestic violence.

For more information about Myerson Solicitors and its Family Team, visit: https://www.myerson.co.uk/personal/family-law

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Separate But United - Parenting Post-Divorce
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Separate But United – Parenting Post-Divorce

Published on
Richard Bromfield
Richard Bromfield, Ph.D.
Clinical Faculty Member
Harvard Medical School

On a gorgeous spring day, a friend and I walked my dog down Newbury Street in Boston. We passed by a sidewalk café where a young girl sat with her father, eating sundaes, which were what first caught our attention. Two empty chairs were full of shopping bags.

“Divorced father,” my friend said as matter-of-factly as if he’d identified a Dalmatian dog or a vintage ’65 Mustang. Who knows if my friend was right? If I had to bet, though, I’d go with his hunch.

I suspect the majority of divorced fathers do not take their daughters out for lunch and fancy shopping sprees every weekend. But many of the divorced fathers I’ve worked with try to make their time with their children fun. It is often at the father’s place that kids seem to watch movies that aren’t allowed with their moms, eat foods that aren’t allowed at home, and stay up later than they should. You get the picture.

And, of course–I can hear the thunderous protests–political correctness and reality require my proviso that sometimes it’s the other way around, meaning stricter fathers and more indulgent mothers.

When children spend less time at your home and with you, there is a tendency to make the most of it. This fosters an unnatural and unhealthy disequilibrium where the primary home is left to discipline, set limits, establish structure, hold expectations, and perform the harder necessities of family life. The “visitation” home becomes the place for everything else. Divorce can make the “removed” parent feel less central, critical, and essential to the children’s daily life and caring. Not always, of course, but sometimes.

The child, however, needs their parents to be parents and do the important parenting stuff just as much as ever, probably more now. The child needs that parent to be there for all of the things that the same parent might do in an intact home and marriage. Both parents need to nurture, feed, care, support, inspire, and discipline. The out-of-the-primary home parent must be careful that, even when they have limited visitation, they build in room and space for the essentials of everyday life, whether it’s toothbrushing or getting the math problems done or doing that ten minutes of reading or, just as necessary sometimes, to be in conflict that needs resolving. In some ways, a child’s not getting that stuff is tantamount to losing that parent.

If overindulgence is an issue, it’s an issue, divorce notwithstanding.

Spouses who are divorced can have a wide range of difficulty negotiating and communicating around family life (the same difficulty they had while married). Strive to get over it, or at least, create enough space to discuss, problem-solve, and implement parenting plans in collaboration. Children do not need their parents to be in perfect synchrony. The goal is not for two parents to live and parent as one.

Do your utmost to uphold your end of the parenting equation, even if you dislike your ex. If, for example, your ex confronts you about having no bedtimes for your elementary-school-aged children, try looking in the mirror and being candid with yourself before going into a rant about what you judge to be your ex’s uptight and critical view of parenting. Even if the two of you couldn’t get along, could your ex maybe be right that you have difficulty getting the kids to bed at a reasonable time? Even if, in your opinion, your ex fails to do so much else, can you possibly note and say Good job for the way they managed some situation with your child?

Strive to do what’s needed, regardless of what your ex does. Children know the score, and at the end of the day (more like in adulthood), they will acknowledge the good parenting that came their way. Resist battling via the children. Avoid competing for their love with lenience or indulgence. This is sure to cause your children harm, sometimes big harm, and instill all the wrong messages about love, relationships, and life. Divorce itself shakes a child’s world.

Children who undergo divorce want to know that their relationships with both parents are strong and secure and not susceptible to bribery. Love me enough, to not just buy me things, but to deal with the real (parenting) stuff I need to grow well.

In my experience, I have seen several fortunate sets of divorcing and divorced parents who’ve taken their life transition as a challenge to their parenting, specifically their indulging of their children. These parents took the divorce as an opportunity not just to separate from their spouse, but to reassess their parenting. They each recognised that the guilt, pain, and distraction of divorce can lead to more lenient, aimless, and indulgent parenting, especially as the hurt of a divorce makes husband and wife, father and mother, needier for their children’s love and attention. Instead of surrendering to those untoward forces, these parents committed to a joint enterprise of guarding against their competition for the child’s affection and approval.

If there’s one single Golden Rule for divorced parents, it is to try one’s best to respect and honour the child’s love for the other parent. Nothing can make a child feel more loved by and devoted to one parent than that parent’s allowing the child to love the other parent.

I realise that this expects a lot, maybe too much of people who have experienced a lot of hurt. But what else is there to do?

About Richard Bromfield

Richard Bromfield is a clinical faculty member of Harvard Medical School, he is author of Playing for Real: Exploring Child Therapy and the Inner Worlds of Children and How to Unspoil Your Child Fast (2025).

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Help Shape the Future of Support for Separated Families
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Help Shape the Future of Support for Separated Families

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Dr Soila Sindiyo
Counselling Psychologist and Founding Editor of The Divorce Magazine

We’ve been contacted by Dr Sarah Foley, Lecturer in Developmental Psychology at the University of Edinburgh, about an exciting new research project exploring parenting after divorce or separation.

The Parenting After Divorce or Separation Study aims to better understand family life and children’s wellbeing in different post-separation child arrangements, particularly in families who have not gone through the court system.

This research will help inform future support for separated parents and their children, filling an important gap in what we know about post-separation family experiences.

Who Can Take Part?

The research team is looking to hear from parents who:

  • Have children aged 4–8
  • Live in Scotland or England
  • Are comfortable taking part in English
  • Have been separated for at least six months
  • Have regular contact with their child
  • Do not have a court-ordered child arrangement

What’s Involved?

If you take part, you’ll be asked to:

  • Join a confidential online interview and complete a survey
  • Optionally involve your child in child-friendly storytelling or game-based activities

(These are completely optional and designed to be fun and engaging for children)

Participation is entirely voluntary and confidential.

How to Get Involved

If you meet the criteria above, or know someone who does, you can learn more and register your interest here.

For questions about the study, you can contact Dr Sarah Foley directly at:
sarah.foley@ed.ac.uk

We’ll be sharing the findings of this important research once the study is complete. By taking part, you’ll be helping to build a deeper understanding of how separated families live, parent, and thrive, and how support can be improved in the future.

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When You're Becoming a Stepparent, Be Present and Patient
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When You’re Becoming a Stepparent, Be Present and Patient

Published on
Tucker Lieberman
Tucker Lieberman
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

When you’re partnering with someone who already has a child, you can expect to play a significant role in that child’s life. As you move in with and marry your partner, your involvement with their child is likely to increase. The child may not feel comfortable with you immediately, and it’s OK to take it slow. Patience, compassion and steadiness make a big difference. 

Starting slow as a new parental figure

Children appreciate when adults take an interest in them. While you’re first getting to know your partner’s kids, observe the family dynamics and learn what the kids are like as individuals. You may not need to be hands-on at first. Just be present and actively witness what their family life is like. Gradually become part of it.

You might be inclined to give the children treats as a way of gaining their goodwill. However, spoiling them can make you a “Disneyland stepparent” — with your partner doing the hard work of child care, while you’re there for TV, ice cream and outings. This won’t be a good long-term dynamic, as it sets unrealistic expectations and leaves everyone frustrated.

At an early stage in your stepparenting role, you can simply affirm or gently enforce existing household rules. Later, you may take a more active disciplinary role. 

No one can force a child to feel a particular way about their stepparent. You can’t choose a child’s feelings nor when those feelings change. That shift may be internal and private to them, or they may share their feelings about you with other people they trust rather than conveying them to you directly.

Nonetheless, a parent can say that their child has to respect and obey their stepparent, while a stepparent can support and reinforce parent–child relationships.

Family intimacy grows over time. Hugging and other expressions of affection may happen when they seem natural or appropriate.

Meanwhile, keep putting effort into yourself and your new marriage.

  • Practice self-care. You matter too, and you show up best for others when you value yourself.
  • When you’re upset, take responsibility for your own feelings. Don’t make a child reassure you, predict your moods or accommodate your needs.
  • Pay attention to your spouse. It not only develops and deepens the relationship between the two of you, it enables you to show up for the kids too.
  • Encourage your spouse and their ex to cooperate on parenting matters. If they handle issues out of court, great. Don’t escalate drama.

Form a new sense of who you are as a family

Consciously choose your language. Your stepchild can give input on what they feel comfortable calling you — your first name or something else. This might be a part of your relationship that you can co-create.

Similarly, think about how you name your relationship to them. Originally, they were your partner’s kids. Once you’re married, you might call them your “stepkids”, but if the word “step” doesn’t feel right, maybe you refer to them as “our kids” or “the kids.”

You and your spouse should support the child’s other family relationships. Sometimes a stepparent adopts their stepchild, becoming the legal parent, after which (depending on the situation) the child may or may not have any contact with the former parent. But if the other parent will remain in the picture and you’ll remain the step-parent, you should enable appropriate parent–child contact.

It’s in the child’s best interests to keep their family connections, even if they don’t yet understand that. Respect those relationships and help preserve them. Don’t try to replace other important people in your step child’s life, especially their other parent. The child may suffer real loss when people come and go. Don’t give them a reason to resent or blame you later.

Allow your step child to have private time with both of their parents: your spouse and your spouse’s ex. Start your own unique activities with the child so they can come to understand and appreciate you as an individual.

As a married couple, when you welcome the kids back to your house after they’ve visited their other parent, respect the time they may need to settle back in. Handovers can be stressful, sad or confusing. You don’t have to pretend otherwise and push the kids to socialise if they need time to rest. Empathise, acknowledge their feelings and connect with them. And don’t interrogate the kids about what they did with their other parent.

If you’re bringing your own children to the marriage too, reassure them that your love for them won’t diminish just because you’ve remarried and have new stepchildren. Find ways you can all merge into a family. Kids of similar ages may form special bonds with each other.

Stepparenting is a role in which you’ll not only support your stepchild’s growth — you’ll grow too. Your stepparenting will be a big part of your family’s future.

Read more articles by Tucker Lieberman.

Read more articles by Custody X Change.

About Tucker Lieberman

Tucker Lieberman is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change. After a decade with an investment company focusing on saving for university, he now writes about co-parenting arrangements.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

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Navigating Family Changes in a Positive Way
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Navigating Family Changes in a Positive Way

Published on
Noel McDermott
Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

Getting a hug during times of change 

One of the most important things to learn about having healthy ways of navigating change is to fully accept that a different set of rules apply to transitions for all humans. Change is perceived by our primitive functioning brain as a threat. Predictability and routine are standard elements in the prescription bundle in modern psychological therapies for treating all forms of psychological distress.
Various words are used for this, containment being a useful one in this context. When distressed we find it difficult to contain our feelings and they can spill over. Imagine your child crying due to something beyond theirs or your control, and you scoop them up and hug them into your arms and gradually the tears subside. You help them contain the distressing feelings. In some ways predictability and routine are like that for us in the background of our lives helping us navigate challenges. Imagine now during the middle of the distress you drop your child and tell them to stop being silly?
Change to our personal circumstances can feel very much like being dropped when we are distressed. So, what can we do to create a new pair of arms to help hug us when we have been dropped? Again, think about your child, somehow, they are ok simply with the hug, it’s not the circumstances that you change, but the feeling in your kid of the capacity to survive and manage. Similarly, it’s not possible to stop the change, it’s happening, but it is possible to manage the emotional distress allowing yourself and others to function better.

What are these new arms holding us?

Normalisation or forgiveness of self and others – it’s normal to be distressed during times of personal change and understanding that allows us to accept that our own behaviour and that of others is based on the distress about the situation and not a moral, personal or psychological failing. It may be that one of the reasons the change is happening is because of another’s unacceptable behaviour in the relationship for example, and it is likely to get worse during the transition. Knowing this and not being unrealistic about how well you or others will cope is crucial in lowering the distress. In the same way that you know your child will be ok in your arms, you too will be ok if held and comforted and being able to link the behaviours to the situation tells us that it will pass.

Transitional phenomena – teddy bears and comfort blankets

When our kids are growing especially during the time they begin to psychologically individuate from the primary carer they develop attachments to special toys or pieces of cloth. These special objects represent emotionally the special relationship to the primary carer and have the advantage of being portable when the carer isn’t. They can to some extent stand in for the actual comforting presence of the carer. These transitional phenomena allow our children to manage this change in reality as the carer is no longer magically available to them. So, allow yourself that or allow that in others. Try to avoid using alcohol, anger or drugs to facilitate the transition and instead stick to warm humans or the equivalent stand by. If you haven’t got an emergency teddy bear in your life, time to get one!

Empowering the embrace of change

There is a large body of evidence to show that people who feel empowered in life manage better, even when they have exactly the same circumstances as others, the outcomes are better. Whilst it is important to risk assess in intimate relationships if we can feel like we have some power over change, and circumstances we manage much better. The key task is something along the lines of accept what you can’t change and change what you can. You can’t for example, change the fact of a divorce, or the fact that the person you are divorcing is behaving in an exaggerated form of the person you wish to divorce but you can say, what is in my power to change here? Maybe you can change your health and wellbeing activities and increase your exercise? Maybe you can reduce your unhealthy coping through drink? Maybe you can engage in random acts of kindness to strangers without possibility of reward rather than spreading your gloom? Finding all these things that you can influence and do will be comforting and help you manage better

Create ritual and structure

Ritual during change is a key strategy that humans have developed through time to help manage the distress of change and unpredictability. Rituals allow us to ascribe bigger meaning to suffering and develop and maintain purpose. This has the impact of reducing both anxiety and crucially depression through loss of meaning. We are meaning making machines and we invest meaning into our relationships with others and if they change, we can lose that invested meaning… but by transferring that to something bigger we can reduce the depression relapse in our functioning. It’s unlikely that your situation has never been experienced by any other human ever before, in fact, millions will have experienced it. Doing even a cursory search you will be able to find how others through common cultural expression have developed meaning in change. You can adapt these to meet your needs.

Compassion and kindness to self

Listen to John Lennon, “whatever gets you through the night is alright” – projecting compassion reduces stress in yourself and improves everything around you—but that compassion has to start with yourself.

Read more articles by Noel McDermott.

About Noel McDermott

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

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