mediation - Page 20

262 result(s) found.

Please go to your post editor > Post Settings > Post Formats tab below your editor to enter video URL.
//

How to File for Divorce: The Financial Order

Published on

What is a financial order? It’s part of the divorce procedure. A financial order or a clean break order as it’s otherwise known, regulates such aspects of the financial agreement as spousal maintenance or alimony, payment for a capital sum or a lump sum, provide for a sale of a property or a transfer of a property and also a pension sharing order.

Caroline Saunders is the founder of Independent Legal Services which compliments family mediation. She takes the mystery out of the divorce process by helping you complete your divorce papers and make them legally binding.

When you have successfully gone through family mediation and you have a settlement agreement on all matters relating to finances, Caroline is there to help you formalise that agreement.

Unless you have a clean break order or financial consent order no matter how long you’ve been divorced, as seen in the Wyatt and Vince case, one or other of the parties can come back and ask to apply for a financial order.

Ideally when you go through your divorce process or end your civil partnership, as part of the settlement agreement you should have a financial order that deals with every aspect of the financial side of your marriage.

What happened to one of Caroline’s clients when they didn’t finalise their financial agreement? What happens when there is no court order?

A lot of couples assume that once there is a divorce that’s it but it’s is only the ending of the marriage it’s not the ending of the financial relationship between them.

How important is it to have your financial agreement. You must, must have that put into a court order.

 Independent Legal Services does this. When you have a couple that have reached agreement in relation to a divorce or civil partnership, I’m there effectively to help with all the form filling but most importantly to draft the financial order.

The financial order is what gives you a proper clean break.

If you reach an agreement together, you still will need somebody with specialised family law knowledge, preferably a family lawyer, to look at that agreement and say if it ‘s going to work in practice.

Caroline is a seasoned family lawyer and a member of Resolution which follows a strict code of practice and code of conduct so as to promote amicable and conciliatory divorce.  You can contact Caroline on:

cs.independentlegalservices@gmail.com

Phone: 07518178977

You might be interested in

divorce issues

Is Arbitration legally binding? Does it have any teeth?

Published on

Suzy Miller of Alternative Divorce Guide

Is Arbitration legally binding

Well I asked this question of Arbitrators who are, let’s face it, lawyers – so not surprisingly, I got both the ‘technically correct’ answers as well as the ‘in real life’ answers:

“It isn’t correct to say that an arbitrator’s decision is legally binding. Under English law it is still necessary to get the approval of the court on any arbitrator’s decision (“Award”).

There’s a recent case that basically says that the court will almost invariably approve an arbitrator’s award but there always needs to be a final step in getting the court’s approval, before an order is final and enforceable.” Alexander Chandler (Chambers of Deborah Eaton QC and Philip Marshall QC).

So it is clear that a decision by an Arbitrator can be easily turned into a court order and made binding in law, so as far as the divorcing couple are concerned, they are entering into a process where they need to accept the outcome in advance, whatever it may be. Otherwise they make a mockery of the process and lose all the benefits of saving time, money and potentially drawing their children into a war zone.

But it is the finality of the decision that makes it so very powerful as a way of helping a couple to let go of the divorce and bring that part of their lives to a close.

And because it is a final decision that they have both signed up for – not one hoisted on them by a judge – they are more likely to accept it. One of the issues with combative court divorces is the number of times litigants continue the fight with new battles over the ensuing years as the war rages on.

“Arbitration, as a process, is guaranteed to get an outcome. The Award (decision) of the Arbitratoris binding on the couple in almost all circumstances. It remains open to the couple to reach an agreement between themselves if they can, but if they cannot, they will receive a reasoned decision from the Arbitrator in a format which can quickly be converted into a court order within their divorce”. Oliver Gravell, Owner Birketts LLP

But why is the legal solidity of Arbitration so important?

is family arbitration legally binding?
Why not bring in an Arbitrator and let the journey continue in safety?

In the emotional chaos of divorce, a key benefit of arbitration, is knowing that an issue can be resolved cleanly by an expert whom both the couple trust, and that the decision will stick legally so there will be no need to be dragged into court at a later date.

“As the Arbitration process is private and hearings, if indeed they are necessary (some matters can be settled on representations by the parties or their advisers on paperwork), can take place at the venue of the couples’ choice.

The award (Arbitrator’s decision) once made by the Arbitrator is final and binding on the parties unlike Mediation and negotiations between solicitors. The parties will generally apply to the Court for an Order confirming the award.” Olive McCarthy, Breeze & Wyles

Whatever the legal process involved in making an Arbitrator’s decision stick in law, the reality is that couples can feel confident that the decision they are paying for is going to lead to an answer, and so peace of mind, and the opportunity to keep the mediation process going or to round off the process as a whole and bring it to a close.

It is the control the couple have that is significant. On the divorce journey they choose the Arbitrator together; they decide on what points they want a decision made and they set the time scales along with the Arbitrator. In trying to avoid crashing into a bitter protracted divorce if their mediation should founder, they can gain a sense of security by having another tool in the divorce toolbox at their disposal.

‘Clunk Click’ every divorce trip

I don’t expect to have a car accident when I get behind the wheel, but I do bother to have a safety belt working properly in my car. You don’t need a seatbelt when the car is stationary, but when on the move, strap up. If your divorce is heading towards a disagreement that could dissolve your mediation process and lead to an emotional and financial crash into court, then why not bring in an Arbitrator and let the journey continue in safety?

The couple can still derail the process and let things get nasty, but if they have taken the trouble to belt up and pay attention to the road ahead, gathering the information about the routes through divorce that they have available to them, chances are they will make better choices about the direction they are headed and the people they bring in to guide them.

You can read the first part of this article here

For more information regarding Family Arbitration, refer to the IFLA website: http://ifla.org.uk/.

Suzy Miller

Alternative Divorce Guide

You might be interested in

family arbitration
/

Family Arbitration UK: a Safety Measure for Divorce?

Published on

Suzy Miller of Alternative Divorce Guide

In this article, I explore how family arbitration UK could provide an element of psychological security on the bumpy road of the divorce journey.

I interviewed a range of family arbitrators about whether arbitration saves the client money, and whether the arbitrator’s decision is always enforceable by law.

As the court system struggles to keep it’s head above the rising fiscal tide, the reduced access to legal aid for court cases and ensuing explosion of DIY divorces clogging up the already overburdened courts, a long term viable solution needs to be found – and found quickly.

But isn’t it already here?

Despite some serious battles for recognition and still a long way to go to become established as the divorce option of choice, Mediation is surely the intelligent way to resolve differences of opinion during a divorce. However, the reality is that sometimes it’s necessary to agree to disagree on some issues – and that’s where an Arbitrator has such a powerful role to play.

That disagreement can be handed over to a specialist in that particular field, an Arbitrator, and their decision allows the mediation process to then continue, or be brought to a happy conclusion.

It’s a bit like when seat belts were brought in. I remember ardent Liberals complaining that enforced wearing of seat belts was denying people their right to take care of their own safety, but these days, I doubt there are many people who would rally the Government to change the law back to ‘choose for yourself’.

One day in the future, people may look back at the divorce process of our current times and marvel at how many initially amicable divorces crumbled into a fight in court, and be amazed to learn that the safety belt of Arbitration was there waiting in the wings to be used, if only the clients had fully understood it’s benefits.

Can family arbitration save clients money?

It is fair to point out that compared to getting the court forms for a divorce and going the DIY route with no complex financial issues to resolve and no disagreement, obviously Arbitration will add cost on top if you need some help in resolving a dispute and choose not to use mediation or the collaborative law process.

Family arbitration UK
Can family arbitration save clients money?

“In many cases, it will be more expensive to arbitrate, because the parties will be paying the fees of the arbitrator whereas going to court involves no direct cost once the application fee is met. Of course, you’re right to say that arbitration is quicker which normally involves less expense (time is money), but I’m not sure I’d say it’s always the cheaper option.” Alexander Chandler (Barrister & Arbitrator Chambers of Deborah Eaton QC and Philip Marshall QC).

Alexander is making a fair point about the cost of court being less than the cost of Arbitration if you only count in the court fees.

From what I can see, family Arbitration provides an excellent alternative to going to court – cheaper, quicker and possibly fairer, bearing in mind how some family court judges have far less training and expertise in family law than a qualified Family Arbitrator does.

Time is money, and Arbitration can save a great deal of time – especially compared to going to court. Arbitrators can be accessed for as little as £500 depending on which Arbitrator you choose and the required specialised experience, which is a lot less than what you will pay for barristers and court time – especially if the dispute is a complex financial issue.

The process is flexible and allows for disclosure to be provided in an efficient manner which suits the issues to be resolved rather than the “one size fits all” method which the court uses. This clearly has an immediate costs saving for all concerned. Solicitors retain their involvement throughout and they have clients who are content because they have achieved an outcome, even if it is not the outcome they wanted, without the costs and unpleasantness of the court.” Clare (Sibson) Thornton, Thornton Jones Family Law.

It’s not just the money in the divorcees pockets that could be saved using arbitration, but also the State has much to gain financially as well in reducing the time litigants spend in court by finding quicker, cheaper solutions.

“By comparison, Arbitration is quick, cheap, private and confidential and the person making the decision is an experienced family practitioner who has been through a very difficult assessment process to be admitted as an Arbitrator.” Olive McCarthy, Breeze & Wyles

Is Arbitration legally binding? Does it have any teeth?  Find out in Part 2

For more information regarding Family Arbitration, refer to the IFLA website: http://ifla.org.uk/.

Suzy Miller

Alternative Divorce Guide

 

You might be interested in

Please go to your post editor > Post Settings > Post Formats tab below your editor to enter video URL.
//

Can you be Friends with Your Ex?

Published on
Nevine Bentley of Facilitate Family Mediation
Nevine Bentley of Facilitate Family Mediation

In this two part interview, I speak with Nevine Bentley of  Facilitate Family Mediation in Farnham, Surrey about life after divorce and if you can be friends with an ex.

What is great about this interview is that Nevine who used to practice as a family lawyer speaks frankly and candidly about her divorce journey.  She shares her divorce story with us from start to life after divorce.

She and her ex-husband are now good friends but it wasn’t always that way and she admits that it was mainly due to her resentment and anger driven behaviour. Coping with divorce as a single parent wasn’t easy at all, something that most of us can indeed relate to.

Nevine and Roy were married for 22 years when the marriage ended but although it was her choice to leave, it took her 10 years to eventually gather her guts and courage to say it.  It was an extremely difficult time and had to have professional help just for her to bring herself to tell Roy it was over.

Once this was done, she then had to face her friends and family with the news.  Some reactions were indeed as expected but some not so and these unforeseen reactions came from the most unlikely source.

How and why did a 22 year marriage fall apart?  What were the reasons for divorce?

In part 2 of the video, Nevine talks about how she coped during those 10 years of waiting to leave and why she waited so long.  She also talks about how friends can be helped to cope and how they in turn can help you in coping with divorce.

There are two experiences that most divorced people experience.  The first is the social side of going out on your own as a newly single person.

Some of the comments that Nevine got both from male and female friends are indeed hilarious.

The other side of the experience is the whole stigma of divorce and how it plays a role in your social circle as well as personal life.

What has now become my favourite divorce quote is something Nevine says in part two of “Can you be Friends with your Ex?”:

“Even if I really didn’t like the way he behaved with me as my husband or he wasn’t the perfect choice for me anymore, it didn’t mean he wasn’t the perfect choice for the kids because for them he’s their only dad, he was their hero. They didn’t care whether he forgot their school shoes at his house or whatever, they just knew that they love dad.”

Nevine’s divorce story on coping with divorce and dealing with life after divorce is real, honest and straightforward.

Here are the interview videos on “Can you be Friends with your EX?”

So, can you be friends with your ex or are you friends with your ex?

Do you think being friends with your ex is possible or even a good thing?

Nevine is a Resolution trained family mediator and runs her own dedicated mediation practice in Farnham. Nevine brings both this training and a background in law to give fair and balanced assistance to both partners in all aspects of divorce and separation including arrangements for children and finances.

Nevine is able to sensitively bring down barriers and encourage effective communication between separating couples and navigate them to explore options to find mutually acceptable solutions to the issues which remain unresolved between them.

 Nevine is qualified to undertake Mediation Information Assessment Meetings (MIAMs)

 Nevine is able to offer out of hours appointments seven days a week. She is a member of Resolution and The Family Mediation Council and The Collaborative Family Law Group (http://collaborativelawgroup.co.uk/content/group)

 

 

You might be interested in

/

“Mapping Paths to Family Justice” – Happier passengers on a well trodden alternative route

Published on
Austin Chessell www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Austin Chessell

It was a pleasure to attend the ‘’New Year…. …New family dispute resolution’’ evening at Farrer & Co in early January focusing on the growing client interest in non-court family dispute resolution for 2015, particularly the findings of the briefing paper ‘Mapping Paths to Family Justice.’

The full report is available online prepared by Professor Anne Barlow (University of Exeter), Rosemary Hunter (University of Kent), Janet Simpson (University of Exeter) and Jan Ewing (University of Kent).

Professor Anne Barlow presented a fascinating paper on the Report’s key findings. Of particular interest to Family practitioners will be that separating couples are increasingly preferring to settle disputes using non-court dispute resolution eg mediation, collaborative law and solicitors’ negotiations. This article picks out key points and critiques them against my own practice and experience.

The briefing paper was a three year academic research project carried out by the Universities of Exeter and Kent which started in July 2011.

It is a national study of around 7000 people which collected data from face to face and telephone interviews with people who had experience of non-court family dispute resolution from both legal aid and private clients and also practitioners.

The central aim was to provide evidence about the public’s awareness, usage, experience and outcomes of the different out of court Family Dispute Resolution (“FDR”) processes.

My caseload for the last four years inevitably includes cases that go to court, but the vast majority of my work now is non-court based. It was really interesting to hear from Anne Barlow what people’s experiences were on the different types of FDR options.

The key findings are:

  1. Gender-balanced co-mediation would address concerns about partiality. Co-mediation was useful in discussions about children disputes but co-mediation is not used often because of the costs of having another mediator present.

I think co-mediation is a good idea and I use this model where there are several indicators from the intake session towards co-mediation e.g. frequently in high conflict, high net worth cases, there are power imbalances and emotionally needy clients.

I often co-mediate with a couples’ counsellor Massy Ellesmere.

Clients seem to like having someone from a legal background and a co-mediator from a therapeutic background. A male and female mediator can help to produce better outcomes in cases where we think co-mediation would add real value to their mediation matter.

The mediators’ tasks can be divided when co-mediations take place. Having a male and female mediator in the room can provide a gender balance and set up a model to counteract any power imbalance. Lisa Parkinson, a Family Mediator, has also commented in her book “Appropriate Dispute Resolution in a New Family Justice System” (2nd Edition) that research shows male and female mediators produce fairer and more balanced agreements.

  1. Into the MIAM (Mediation Information Assessment Meeting) era, we have examples of courts ordering parties to mediate.

I am starting to receive more referrals from courts for cases which the Judge believes people should really be talking to each other about rather than litigating.

Recent court referrals have been for a children matter where the clients could not decide on how to review childcare arrangements by an hour each week or on a financial settlement case where the larger assets had been agreed to be divided at court but the household contents had not been determined and the Judge thought it would be useful for the clients to attend mediation. The clients attended one joint 90 minute session and were quickly able to decide how the house contents would be divided.

  1. Ensure that mediation clients are well prepared before they start.
Mapping Paths to Family Justice
I check with clients early on if they have sought legal advice.

This can include ensuring people are aware of what mediation is. Not a lot of people knew what mediation was before they started the process. Clients commonly learn about mediation from their Solicitor or by attending a Mediation Information Assessment Meeting with a mediator.

I check with clients early on if they have sought legal advice.

It is sometimes difficult now with legal aid being removed in a lot of Family Law areas. Legal clinics such as the Citizens Advice Bureau in Holborn provide 3 visits (30 – 45 minutes) for eligible people which can provide clients with an idea of where they stand legally and prepare them for mediation.

I discuss with clients all of the options open to them. It may be that mediation is not the right process for them, but if they know how each option works they can then make an informed decision about which process may be the best match for them.

I have an adapted Financial Statement (Form E) for the clients to complete. I try to ensure they complete the form as fully as possible and bring the level of detail of supporting documents each client requests because if there are large gaps in their Form E it can sometimes be difficult to progress a financial mediation session.

  4. The voice of the child in mediation

The Report finds that direct consultations with children in mediation rarely happen, but there is definitely an argument that the voice of children in the mediation forum and other FDR processes should be heard more often.

I am trained to mediate with children and have around 3-4 cases each year where the parents agree for me to meet with the children in a separate session and then provide them with feedback that the children want me to give their parents.

I have worked with a British parent who lives outside Europe and its three UK resident teenage sons wanted to know why the parent moved abroad at the end of the marriage and how they could re-establish contact.

I have also worked with three teenage children who had very busy school schedules and wanted to spend more time with their mother but wanted to do more outside activities rather than playing computer games which the mother used to encourage instead of physical activities.

  5.  Mediation frustrations

The Report highlights situations where mediation can break down e.g. one person not providing information, worries about being in the same room as a former partner and power imbalances.

The mediation process may not go into the same depth of financial disclosure as court, but for mediation to work the clients need to provide financial disclosure information to the other person in mediation.

If mediation clients cannot get the financial information they feel they need they may use the court process to obtain it and then return to mediation when they want to start considering financial options for settlement.

I find this is happening more often. Clients may go to court up to the Financial Dispute Resolution (‘’FDR’’) stage but then come to mediation if they feel financial disclosure has been completed and want to avoid a final hearing where legal costs can escalate.

I do some mediation cases on a ‘’shuttle’’ basis where clients are not in the same room. It is a lot slower than everyone being in the same room but in some cases it can work better. Some cases I have worked on started as a shuttle mediation and then change to the same room at the next session when the parties see progress is being made.

If there is a power imbalance e.g. one person does not have a good a grasp of the finances, a neutral third party can be introduced e.g. an Independent Financial Advisor may be present in the joint mediation sessions. Last week I mediated with a Bengali client who was not confident about his English so an independent translator attended the mediation sessions with him with the agreement of the other party.

  6.  Screening in mediation

The Report indicates things that could be done better in mediation. For example there could be better screening for abuse and conflict. A lot of people felt that there was impartiality lacking at times of screening and when there were high levels of conflict the mediator could not control things.

I tend to do my screening with the clients separately by arranging the intake sessions at different times. I know mediators who do intake sessions with the clients together and then see the clients separately for the screening for part of the session, but I want the client to feel comfortable to talk to me without the other person being in the room with them.

  7.  What could be done better?

The Report looks at providing counselling or other therapeutic methods to support people who may be emotionally vulnerable.

Many divorcing clients obviously describe this as a very stressful time. Referrals to a counsellor need to be made sensitively. Some of my clients see counselling as a weakness. Others have attended counselling and found it very useful.

For example a client had a young daughter in Scotland and was unhappy about having contact in a hotel and not at her home and wanted to talk through how she felt with a counsellor. After the sessions the client explained she felt a lot calmer and in a better place. I am quite lucky in that I am a member of the Collaborative pod group (Essex Family Solutions) where there are three to four counsellors who regularly attend this pod. You can get to know the counsellors quite well so when a referral is made you are confident that the client will be treated sensitively and get on with the counsellor.

Conclusion

If you are interested or work in the Family Law or Family Mediation field the Report is well worth a read.  I found it useful to see what feedback clients have provided about the different forms of FDR.

This Report and the subsequent discussions with fellow delegates at the Farrer & Co event made me reflect on my own practice and how I can continue to improve my service to clients in each of the out of court options. Judging from the comments of the majority of the delegates I spoke to, fees are a significant factor in clients’ decision making and deciding which option to use when separating from a former partner and mediation can be one of the more cost effective options to use. However, clients needs to understand how mediation works before deciding if it is the right option for them.

Austin Chessell is a Child and Family Mediator at FAMIA (www.famia.co.uk). He is also a Collaborative Family Solicitor at Feltons and a member of the Collaborative pod group Essex Family Solutions.

You might be interested in

family mediation

Can Family Law Arbitration be The White Knight of a Tricky Divorce ?

Published on

Suzy Miller of Alternative Divorce Guide

Should more mediators be paying attention to family arbitration?  It has after all been shown to quite effective in the US and Canada and is known to be able to rescue a mediated divorce from crumbling into a nasty expensive court battle.

My interest in finding out more about family arbitration was originally sparked by a conversation with New York Mediator Ken Neumann, who described how useful arbitrators could be in un-sticking a mediation process. “Sometimes,” he explained to me, “the couple can’t agree on one issue, and they just want someone else to decide for them.”

Family Arbitration is the new kid on the block in the family law community in England and Wales, and the potential benefits to divorcing clients are immense. An excellent talk given by UK Arbitrator Mena Ruparel convinced me that the rise of family arbitration in the UK was a cause worth supporting.

I made contact with several Arbitrators and to my surprise, received a cascade of responses! I was struck by the obvious passion and enthusiasm for arbitration amongst a wide range of family law professionals who have qualified as family arbitrators, ranging from barristers, mediators and collaborative lawyers. I include their contributions in the following articles, with thanks.

What is family arbitration for?

According to Nadia Beckett of Beckett Solicitors, “Arbitration is a fantastic tool for resolving issues where there is an agreement on most things but perhaps just one sticking point. However it can also be used where no agreements have been reached.”

Solicitors and mediators should understand the importance of family law arbitration and should always consider it as an option for their clients. As the courts grind to a standstill through financial cuts, the withdrawal of most legal aid and years of under-funding, it is becoming increasingly difficult for separating couples to resolve their issues quickly and efficiently.

Arbitration is flexible. It can be used by litigants who are legally represented and those who are not. It can be a lot less formal than going to court and it can be used to resolve a single financial issue or all financial issues.

There is still a degree of ignorance amongst solicitors, barristers and mediators about FamilyArbitration and a mistaken view that Arbitration is just for rich people.

That is not the case and ultimately it can actually work out cheaper than going to court as the parties have much more control over the process. Unfortunately family Arbitration cannot be used to resolve disputes over children.”

family mediation
Family arbitration can actually work out cheaper than going to court.

Suzanne Kingston, Family Partner at Withers LLP, spearheaded the Family Arbitration course in England and Wales and has been involved in training all of the family arbitrators to date.

She believes that arbitration is likely to become more prevalent than ever due to the problems with the current court system.

She advocates considering arbitration as an alternative and suggests thinking about this at the beginning and part-way through a case to ensure that clients are given every available opportunity.

 How could family arbitration come to the rescue of a non-adversarial divorce process?

“It can save a family mediation from failure when one or two stubborn issues remain. The Arbitrator can be instructed just to resolve those remaining points over which the parties have agreed to disagree. The unpleasant conflict of a court case is thereby avoided, the settlement remains one achieved in a consensual manner.“ David Walden-Smith MCIArb, Barrister & Family Arbitrator

In other parts of the world, including the United States and Canada, when family mediation process founders an arbitrator is brought in, if the couple wish it, to resolve the disagreement for them.

This is also how it can work here – but currently not enough solicitors are informing divorcing couples adequately of this option.

Should family mediation prove unsuccessful, for instance, instead of ending up in court a divorce arbitrator could help unravel that single sticking point and quickly (compared to waiting months for a court date).

Unfortunately (in my opinion) this move towards working with a divorce arbitrator is only possible in the case of an unsuccessful mediation process but not in the case of an ineffectual Collaborative Law process.

Family arbitration
Instead of ending up in court family arbitration could help

Even if a financial planner gives clear advice on how a pension could be split or the division of property assets, it may be that the parties would like an adjudication from the arbitrator who will write their award and make a legally binding decision.

The arbitrator can also deal with discrete elements of a case so if there is a mediation where there is one issue that needs to be resolved, this can be referred to arbitration keeping the rest of the agreement in tact.

It would seem sensible for McKenzie Friend’s to acquaint themselves with the benefits of arbitration to provide a much needed resource for couples whose usual choice may be to go to court without representation from a lawyer. However there seems to be a reluctance at this early stage to encourage self representing litigants to consider arbitration as an option en masse.

And how will divorcing and separating families in general get to know about family arbitration as an option? It seems that it will rely on solicitors sharing the good news. And there’s the rub.

Nigel Shepherd of Mills & Reeve LLP states, “On arbitration, I remain of the view that the key market for some time to come is going to be family law professionals, but that is certainly intended to include mediators. 

Whilst the advantages of the scheme in terms of speed, flexibility and confidentiality etc are easy to convey, the details of exactly how the scheme works (interaction with court, restrictions on involving third parties etc) are rather more esoteric and the main task to date has been to try to get mainly lawyers to understand these issues and indeed to recognise that it isn’t mediation or collab.”

So it seems to me that family arbitration could well be the White Knight who charges in at just the right moment to save the family mediation damsel from being gobbled up by the dragon of a courtroom divorce battle, rescuing the family from all the additional costs and misery of a full scale adversarial divorce.

But will the news about this new tool in the divorce toolbox be able to get through the castle gates if the drawbridge is kept locked and bolted, because solicitors and the public remain largely oblivious to it’s benefits?

For more information regarding Family Arbitration, refer to the IFLA website: ifla.org.uk

 

Suzy Miller

Alternative Divorce Guide

You might be interested in

divorce facts

10 Things to Know About Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce is a life transition that generates permanent changes.

One can never go back – only forward. Divorce affects finances, relationships and career choices.

It can be a positive catalyst for a metamorphosis.

  • Divorce is not a linear process, one can back track, hit a speed bump or nearly get derailed. My husband and I were in the collaborative process and he suddenly dropped out when it did not go as he expected. We had to start over with new solicitors for litigation. Then he decided to return to collaborative and luckily our original solicitors let us pick up where we left off from before.
  • Divorce does not have to mean only negative changes –but can push people in a positive direction. Maribel was a stay-at-home mum who was bored out of her mind and felt unfulfilled. Getting a divorce forced her back into the working world. She opted for a lesser paying job in retail and is ecstatic about life. Maribel is much more vibrant now, than I ever observed in her marriage. Two co-workers lead busy, fulfilled lives now that they are divorced.
  • Divorce has an end point. My maintenance and child support have finished which means contact with my ex is 100% in the past. I will be moving and can totally close that chapter of my life. Other people’s end point may be when their divorce is finalized, especially when there is a Clean Break. The divorce process seemed endless at the time, but it helped when folks said that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
  • Get centred, clear your mind and think through your choices and decisions. I made stupid missteps in a panic – rather than stating “Let me think about it and get back to you.” An issue can be tabled until the next mediation/collaborative session – or you could send an e-mail the following day with your decision. Reacting quickly, instead of mulling it over can haunt you in the future.
  • Get the necessary experts on the divorce team. If it seems as if some assets are missing, then get a forensic accountant
    about divorce
    Hidden strength will bubble up and get you through tough negotiations.

    on board. In an acrimonious divorce, a custody evaluator may be brought in to do an extensive study to determine the percentage of shared care between parents.

  • There are support groups available to enable you to make it through the arduous divorce process. The Divorce Magazine has a link to helpful resources including parenting ones, on the web site. Conduct your own online search to discover ones in your locale. Talking to others going through divorces gave me support and I felt less alone.
  • It is normal to feel that you cannot take much more stress without exploding. People interviewed expressed that they were surprised that they got through divorce without a nervous breakdown. In our crazy divorce, the two solicitors mandated that we each see a designated life coach for at least one session. My husband brought his to one collaborative session and that made for a smoother meeting with less tension for all of us.
  • You will discover traits that you did not realize that you possessed. Hidden strength will bubble up and get you through tough negotiations. You will discover your resilience which helps you to be flexible and bend like a pine tree rather than being rigid like the mighty oak and breaking in a storm.
  • A Family Law solicitor said if one party is pleased in the divorce – then something is not fair. When both people are unhappy about the asset division, then it is fair. I made sure I got the few things that I really desired, the water colour painting of our deceased cat, plus several other items. I refused to get in a battle over our joint personal property which resulted in my husband letting me have a bit more. Hold out for what you really want in the personal property division and do not haggle over every little thing. Not worth the time, increased legal fees and anxiety.
  • You may be at loggerheads with each other during divorce, but may like each other down the road. Some former couples are friends and even have get-togethers with the new spouses. This is really lovely for the children during the holidays when this happens. Memory has the trick of glossing over the unpleasant parts and this is helpful after divorce.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

You might be interested in

Trouble Seeing your Children

Having Trouble Seeing your Children?

Published on
Families Need Fathers
Ross Jones
Families Need Fathers

This article is intended for non-resident parents in the early stages of separation that are starting to experience difficulties with arrangements for their children.

By keeping these tips in mind, you will be giving yourself the best opportunity to resolve you situation as quickly and painlessly as possible:

If you’re having trouble seeing your children, then here are some things you could try:

Don’t leave things too long –It is important not to let things linger. We are sometimes contacted by fathers who have had no contact with their children or their former partners for a number of years before finding out what their options are.

There are still options available for parents in these situations, but it is undoubtedly more difficult than when parents take positive steps soon after separation to get things resolved.

You do not want to allow a status quo of little or no contact to develop, which can be very difficult to reverse further down the line.

Keep records – Keep records of any contact you have with the other parent about contact arrangements. These records can form an important chronology of events if you ever needed to go to court, and can demonstrate the efforts you made to ensure contact could take place smoothly.

Parenting plans – Separated parents often run into difficulties with child arrangements as they are made ‘ad hoc’, and so neither the parents nor kids are sure what may happen from one week to the next.

If your difficulties aren’t so much about having contact but about the regularity or nature of the arrangements, it may be worth spending some time working on a parenting plan.

The advantage of a parenting plan is that it can help parents to create arrangements that work for them and are sustainable. There are lots of draft parenting plans available online, such as this one from Cafcass: www.cafcass.gov.uk

Exploring the family justice system – For some parents, conflict is so high that there is very little chance that they will be able to make arrangements together without some form of outside support. So does this mean you have to go to court? Not necessarily.

Cases can take a long time to resolve, and in the meantime conflict can become entrenched.

Legal aid is now also only available in exceptional circumstances, so the process can get very expensive if you are using legal professionals. If you do need to go to court though, there are ways of managing your own case to keep control over the price; contact our support services if you need any help with this.

Trouble seeing your children divorced fathers
Don’t leave things too long

Courts expect parents to have attempted mediation before making a court application, so mediation is likely to be most parent’s point of engagement with the family justice system.

Mediation is where a trained mediator acts as a bridge between you and the other parent to help you make an agreement that works for both of you.

Mediation can be very effective, if both parents are willing to cooperate.

It can also be a much cheaper way of resolving differences than court, and legal aid is still available for some parents to access these services.  National Family Mediation (www.nfm.org.uk) can provide you with more information about the process.

Remember your ABCs – Michael Robinson from the excellent Custody Minefield website (www.thecustodyminefield.co.uk) has an acronym that I think is ideal for separated parents:

A is for attitude, B is for behaviour, and C is for child-focussed. Attitude and behaviour are crucial, whether you are writing to your former partner, attending mediation or are in court.

If you are behaving in a way that is overly confrontational or aggressive, you are less likely to be taken seriously. You are also not going to be seen as focussed on the needs of your child.

The family justice system works on the principle that the best interests of the child must always come first. If you are unable to demonstrate that you actions are entirely motivated by what you believe will be best for your child, it is unlikely that you will be able to progress your case productively.

Take care of yourself – Finally, it is important to remember amongst all of this to look after yourself. You will not be able to do yourself or your child much good if you are not in the right place physically or mentally, and an important part of the process is managing your approach.

Exercise is often a useful way to relieve stress, as is spending time with friends and spending time on other interests and hobbies that you enjoy.

These tips are not intended to be comprehensive, but to make you think about how the manner in which you approach your situation early on can influence the outcome further down the line.

If you could benefit from further understanding or support or are having trouble seeing your children, please contact one of our support services as soon as you can: www.fnf.org.uk/help-and-support-2

About Ross

Ross Jones has been Policy and Communications Manager at Families Need Fathers since 2011. Founded in 1974, Families Need Fathers is a registered UK charity which provides information and support to parents of either sex. grandparents and wider family members following divorce and separation. 

National Helpline on 0300 0300 363
(open 7am – midnight, 7 days a week)

 

You might be interested in

Divorce a Career Killer?

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Recently, my ex and I along with 2 other couples appeared in The Times Magazine on divorce in your 40s.  What was interesting about this piece was that each one of the ladies had gone on to work in the area of divorce in one capacity or other.

I continue my work as a Child Therapist but eventually founded The Divorce Magazine, while Nevine Bentley went on to do law and train as a Family Mediator and Suzy Miller created a few products including The Alternative Divorce Directory.

Well, you’ve heard it said once, you’re heard it said twice and I will say it here again – divorce is like a death.

Just like a marriage and becoming a parent, you cannot plan your divorce nor know how it feels or how you will cope (or not) until you weather that storm.

When you go through divorce that’s when you get to know exactly what you are capable off, the good and the bad and the just plain ugly.

You get to see what others have been through and realise that there are indeed something things in life that are very capable of knocking you sideways and propelling you into a land that you never had any intention of visiting let alone residing in.

Yet here you are. In the land of inner pain, anger, resentment with a touch of relief and anticipation for what the future holds. A place where concentration, sleep disturbance and appetite attack are all names of avenues, street and roads.

Welcome to the land of “The Divorced Working Mum.”

20 years later and I still recall how one of my daughter’s nursery teachers came to school one Monday morning looking tired, worn out and red-eyed.

I can tell you that we all noticed because she was always the best groomed teacher of them all. As it turned out, her husband had just left her and the children (2 children under 9) that weekend. She was not the I-am-in-control teacher whom we used to see. That one had left.

Divorce a career killer?
Is your divorce steering you towards a different career?

Mrs A, let’s call her, stayed on for another couple of weeks but eventually had to leave and take a much needed break. She went to see her parents…and never came back.

So what happens when you find yourself divorced and the main carer of your children? How does that affect your career or work prospects?

For me personally, my divorce experiences steered me to working in a totally different way than I had anticipated. I had two children and no family around to help. I had to drop out of courses during divorce number one and had to quit one job during divorce number two and opt for a part-time position that was paying me not only a fraction of my previous salary but that was also mind-numbingly dull.

In the meantime, my ex-husbands, had the support and help from their work places. They could work long hours if they wanted to because they didn’t have to get home in time to pick up their children from school and look after them.

They were encouraged to take time off if they needed to and they both chose not to opting instead to keep busy, as busy as they could.

But without taking that break and accepting that help, they both ended up burned out and with great difficulty performing at work. Both eventually changed jobs. They too, were steered into another direction by their painful experiences of divorce.

I recently read this quote in Oprah Magazine, an article by Martha Beck:

“If you’ve had a run of horrible luck, you can tell yourself you’re being tortured or punished. Or you can decide you’re being steered.”

So did my two divorces kill my career?

That’s the story I held for a long time. That’s the belief that I carried with me for a long while until one day, I realised that, the divorces shifted me to where I am today, doing what I love.

Remember that mind-numbingly dull job I ended up in? Well if it wasn’t for that job and it’s dreariness, I wouldn’t have taken the huge risk of resigning and working for myself.  I had to do something.  I just couldn’t stay there.

I am now working with children and families affected by divorce, trauma and loss and I am pursing my other love and passion, which is writing. I work for myself. I control my days and hours. That is what has worked for my children and I.

So is divorce a career killer?  Will it be yours?

Divorce will affect the way you work and perform, at least initially.

As already mentioned, there are many parts of your inner world and being that no longer function as you knew them to namely your concentration which can be affected by your emotions which are affected by your thoughts which then play a role in determining your actions.

The one piece of advice I could give anyone going through divorce to do is to take time off.  Do ask for help and take it and accept it when it is offered.  Ok, that’s more than one but they are all important.

Only when you take care of yourself will you be able to see things clearly as you will be creating the space to do so. This is no time to be warrior woman or warrior man.

If you are employed then speak with your boss, let someone in the office know what is going on in your personal life. If you are now the main carer of your children, find out what work options there are for you.

Divorce encourages you to reassess your current situation to find and discover very creative ways to get time with your children, earn some money and look after yourself.

It’s not easy. We love spending time with our little ones but bills need to be paid.

But here you are. The change has come. You are being steered. Which way will you go? What will you do? What can you do? Know your options and take it from there.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

You might be interested in

parenting after divorce

Parenting after Divorce with children

Published on
Parenting after divorce divorce with children
Making childcare arrangements was particularly hard

Making the leap from being married or in a committed relationship to life as a single parent takes a lot of bravery. Getting a divorce with children involved in the equation is certainly not an easy step, but one that needs to be taken for the wellbeing of both parents and children. This is what Barb decided to do after 14 years married to the father of her child.

After a long period of unhappiness in her relationship, North London-based mother of one Barb summoned up the courage to separate from her husband.

‘The decision to split was made in March 2011 and we were officially separated by June,’ says Barb. Shortly after they sold the family home and it was at this point that Barbara broke the news to her son, then aged 13.

‘I was the one who told my son, his father was in the room as well but he didn’t speak,’ Barb recalls. ‘Our son knew that his dad and I’s relationship wasn’t brilliant, he knew it was going to happen. There was a big build up.

‘I told him that the house had been sold and we would be moving. Shortly after, my son and I moved into rented accommodation.’

Once the dust had settled, Barb and her ex-husband still found it difficult to get along. ‘There is still friction between me and him.’

Making childcare arrangements was particularly hard as Barb’s ex-husband would only go through their son to make plans. ‘He would only text my son to make arrangements, but certain things needed to be discussed between us – the parents – first.

‘I felt like he was putting too much responsibility on our son. I don’t agree with this way of doing things as it puts a strain on communication.’

Money was another big issue for Barb: ‘I had to fight for £5 a week for child maintenance. Occasionally he would contribute towards school uniform but as time went on he got worse and worse.’

Face-to-face mediation sessions seemed like a great opportunity to iron-out the childcare issues, but as Barb points out, getting her ex-husband to agree to a session is easier said than done: ‘He doesn’t like the thought of any kind of authority being involved. He thinks he can sort out everything himself.’

When visiting The Parent Connection, Barb found that all the issues she was facing as a separated parent were covered in the articles section: ‘I found articles on housing issues and meeting new partners, which were all appropriate for me,’ says Barb. ‘But the how to manage disagreements article was the most helpful, given my situation with my ex.’

If you are going through a situation similar to Barb’s, you can obtain more resources and support on theParentConnection.org.uk

By Calum Ross, editor, theParentConnection.org.uk

The Parent Connection is a free information & advice service for separated parents, run by relationship support charity. In addition, The Parent Connection offers two free online programmes: Getting It Right For Children and Splitting Up? Put Kids First which help parents to deal with conflict without putting the children in the middle and create an online co-parenting plan.

You might be interested in

Cuts to Legal Aid UK – What is the Real Cost of Them?

Published on
Katie McCann Head of Family Law and in-house counsel at Kuits Solicitors
Katie McCann
Head of Family Law and in-house counsel at Kuits Solicitors

In an attempt to reduce the legal aid UK bill by £350 million per year, huge cuts came into force on 1 April 2013 under the Legal Aid, Sentencing and Punishment of Offenders Act 2012.

Family law cases were hugely affected and now only those which involve domestic violence, forced marriage or child abduction are funded.

The Ministry of Justice have explained that the cuts to legal aid are for the benefit of the taxpayer ‘who ultimately pays for it’ however now the changes have bedded in many are not happy. Criticising the government’s decision Elfyn Llwyd MP argues, ‘It is clear to us that these reforms have everything to do with saving money- yet the cost to society is overwhelming.’ Ultimately it seems that any financial savings have been overshadowed by the serious loss to those who would have previously been able to rely on legal aid.

As a result of the cuts many who cannot afford legal representation feel that their only option is to represent themselves.

Commenting on this Court of Appeal judge Dame Elizabeth Gloster admitted that she was ‘horrified’ by the number of litigants without lawyers. According to Jo Edwards- the chairwoman of Resolution, two thirds of cases in the family courts now involve at least one side who does not have a lawyer.

The National Audit Office estimates that the increased level of litigants in person will cost the government £3.4 million a year due to the fact that cases without legal representatives take 50% longer and therefore clog up the system and cause delays.

Unfortunately the financial repercussions are not the only cause for concern.

The welfare of any child involved in a family law dispute is meant to be the paramount consideration however this is likely to be prejudiced by any delay.

It is not only the children who are involved that may suffer from their parent’s lack of legal representation.  The individuals representing themselves are also likely to feel the negative effects.

This was highlighted in the case of Re H[1]. When this case came before the court serious concern was raised that the mother- who had speech, hearing and learning difficulties, was without legal representation. It was felt that her human rights were at risk of being violated. The father had legal representation and was also supported by the Local Authority.

By the time the case came to final hearing the mother had legal representation on a pro-bono basis but as was highlighted by the judge, this is nothing like having full representation. The court stated that although the lack of legal aid had not prevented the mother from having physical access to the court, it had certainly prevented her from having intellectual access. The potential for a significant imbalance of power between parties in these type of cases is very clear to see.

The negative repercussions of the legal aid cuts explain why so many people have expressed their disappointment.

legal aid uk
As a result of the cuts many who cannot afford legal representation feel that their only option is to represent themselves.

Lady Margaret Hodge, the Chairwoman of Public Accounts Committee states, ‘The Ministry of Justice is meeting its objective of cutting spending on civil legal aid but is doing this without knowing what the knock on effects might be for people needing advice.’

But the Ministry of Justice do not seem to accept that there is a problem and speaking about the high number of litigants in person they argue, ‘A large number of people have always represented themselves in court and we provide information and guidance to help them.’

Speaking ahead of the cuts Lord Neuberger, president of the Supreme Court predicted that the lack of legal aid would lead to people taking the law into their own hands.

He claimed that this would be borne out of frustration and lack of confidence in the system. Equally as problematic is the possibility that some people are simply putting up with unfair arrangements as they feel that they do not have any other option but to suffer in silence.

Taking into consideration the negative effects of the abolition of legal aid, Resolution suggest that the government should fund an initial solicitor’s meeting for those who cannot afford it. This would enable separating couples to have their legal options explained to them and may also encourage them to use mediation. However mediation is not suitable for all cases and this highlights why a large number of people will lose out from the legal aid cuts.

The reality of the situation is that although the government may have reduced the legal aid bill by £350 million per year, the detrimental impact of the cuts on society could mean that this is a completely false economy.

As Resolution’s Dispute Resolution Week comes to a close, Katie McCann, head of Family at Kuits states, ‘The world of family law is in a state of flux following the cuts to legal aid and the fluctuations we have experienced in the economy, hitting the country’s pockets hard. However we must continue to do the best that we can for any client that walks through our doors. In family cases alternative dispute resolution should always be considered first before entering the realms of court proceedings and clearly that is the way the profession is being steered. Earlier this week I wrote about the benefits of mediation- if a better way can be found to bring family disputes to a close then we must help clients to find this, but that does not solve the ongoing issue of costs. Alternative dispute resolution is not always cheaper than going to court but in the vast majority of suitable cases, it certainly does offer a less stressful and more empowering path to the resolution of disputes.’

[1] [2014] EWFC B127

Follow Katie McCann on Twitter  – @kuits_familylaw

www.kuits.com

 

You might be interested in

Coping with divorce over Christmas

Coping with Divorce at Christmas – the Shortcuts

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

The holiday season is sneaking up on us again along with endless to-do-lists and frenzied shopping.

How to keep your sanity, good mood and stay ahead of the game?

The secret is taking short cuts and doing tasks ahead of time.

One may have court dates, mediation or collaborative sessions and feel too drained to join in the festivities. Pick the holiday celebrations that bring you the most joy and do not feel obligated to attend every one.

  • If you are usually the one hosting Christmas dinner or the family gathering, then it is time to have a frank discussion. Let others know in advance that you are no longer up to doing this with your divorce and offer some suggestions. The holiday dinner could rotate every year to a different family member’s house. Having it potluck makes it easier on the hosts.

One divorced mum decided that family holiday meals would be at a nice restaurant so no one was chained to the kitchen or on clean up duty.

  • Bundle tasks together to free up some time for relaxation. I write my Christmas cards and letters while enjoying a holiday movie on the telly with my sons. Have a wine party with pals while you each wrap some of your Christmas presents. You get a chore done while partying. Spend time with a godchild while you bake Christmas cookies.
  • Cheating is okay. Not every dish has to be made from scratch. Good Housekeeping magazine for example, has a meal or single product from a variety of stores which is blind tested and then judged. These tasters rate them on most like homemade or best flavours. Take the winner, dump the packaging, place it on your nice china, and wait for the compliments. I buy pre-cooked meat for some holiday meals and heat it up with my homemade herb marinade. My sons enjoy it.
  • Do what you can ahead of time so you are having fun on the actual holiday. I make mashed potatoes the night before and sometimes the veggies too. Desserts can be from a decadent bakery or posh shop. I enlist a teenage son to bake cookies and he gives some of them to his friends. I make pizzelle cookies which have a long shelf life that lasts through the holiday season. It is helpful to get prep work and baking done while the kids are in bed so that you can look at lights, go to a pantomime or other fun activities.
  • Divorce is a stressful time and tempers may flare. A little generosity goes a long way. If you can be flexible with your irritating soon-to-be-ex and allow him extra time with the children when his family comes into town, then he may pass the courtesy on to you. Buying your ex-wife a little gift from the kids may soothe any hurt feelings and make co-parenting a bit smoother. Treating others as you want to be treated benefits you as well as them.
  • Start new holiday traditions. Ask your children what rituals are important to them and drop the less favourite ones. Come up with some different ones when starting a new life in the post-divorce period. I only have cousins across the country so holidays are just my two sons and me. We have lattes with a snack at a coffee shop we like near the cinema. After enjoying a movie, we have a festive meal at home on my Christmas Spode china. Decide what traditions work out best for you in this new transition.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Photo by Gift Habeshaw on Unsplash

You might be interested in

1 … 18 19 20 21 22