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child maintenance and child support

Child Maintenance and Child Contact: How some Parents are Adopting a ‘pay per view’ Attitude to their Children

Published on
Katie McCann
Katie McCann
Head of Family Law and in-house counsel at Kuits Solicitors

When a couple split up they are likely to have a tough and emotional time whilst coming to terms with the fact that their relationship is over.

For couples with children, this period is destined to be even more challenging, as they will also have to focus on making the necessary arrangements to ensure that their little ones adapt to the situation and have their needs catered for moving forward.

Decisions will need to be made, amongst other things, about how much contact the children will have with each parent, their living arrangements and what financial support will be given by way of child maintenance payments.

These topics can naturally be quite difficult to discuss and it is quite common for disagreements between the parents to arise.

The Child Maintenance Options online calculator is an excellent tool that allows parents to input the information relevant to their situation before generating the appropriate child maintenance figure that should be paid monthly.

When a child maintenance agreement cannot be reached between the parents, the Child Maintenance Service can act as an intermediary between them. The fees for using the government-led scheme include a £20 application fee, a 20% collection fee on top of the maintenance figure (to be paid by the paying parent), and a 4% enforcement fee which is deducted from the child maintenance. Such fees should ideally work to deter parents from using the service and instead they should attempt to reach such arrangements themselves.

As mentioned above, another significant agreement that must be reached is in relation to the children’s living arrangements and how much time they will spend with each parent.

Sometimes this can be simple to work out and children may split their time equally between two houses, or perhaps have one parent’s house as their base whilst going to stay with their other parent every other weekend. When such arrangements can be made amicably, it is hugely beneficial for the children involved. After all, suddenly having two homes can be a big enough change, without the children having to experience a sense of conflict when their parents cannot agree on an appropriate parenting plan.

Unfortunately, when child arrangements cannot be agreed following divorce and separation, it is often fathers who feel as though they are mistreated.

Although there is certainly no legal presumption that mothers should determine their children’s schedules, sadly this can often happen. Due to this there are several support and action groups who are fighting for a presumption of equal parental contact post-separation.

Whilst the above campaign is an extremely honourable one, care must be taken to ensure that the issue of parental contact is kept separate from other child-care issues.

child maintenance and child contact
Ensure that the issue of parental contact is kept separate from other child-care issues.

Unfortunately the opposite is encouraged by some support groups. By way of example, ‘New Father 4 Justice’ (which, importantly, should not be confused or affiliated with ‘Fathers 4 Justice’) claims that they strongly support the non-payment of child maintenance by those who are being denied access to their children.

There is no doubt that being refused child contact is one of the hardest and most excruciating things that could happen to a parent; however, the above attitude is extremely damaging. To actively encourage fathers who are not seeing their children to stop providing financially for them only serves to increase tensions at a time when they are, no doubt, already sky-high.

Aside from the fact that it will be to the children’s detriment if maintenance is not paid, it is also important to note that financial support – although it does not automatically entitle a parent to contact – is a legal duty. Contact and maintenance are two separate issues and therefore should not be merged together to encourage a ‘pay per view’ environment.

As explained on the Child Maintenance Options website, whilst it is certainly important (when safe) for both parents to have an active role in the children’s lives, it is important that access should not be used as a bargaining tool for negotiating child maintenance and vice versa.

If a parent is being refused contact to their children, they should continue to make child maintenance payments whilst trying to resolve the issue.

Although some parents may find making payments at such a time challenging, they should try and remember that the children’s welfare is the priority and it will be them who suffer if the maintenance is not paid. The suffering parent can then try and negotiate contact with their unwilling ex-partner, although sometimes this will not be possible.

In such a situation, mediation should be the next port of call.

Mediation is an extremely effective and reasonably inexpensive way of trying to sort such disagreements out – so much so, that attending a MIAM (mediation information meeting) is now a compulsory preliminary step for those wanting to issue court proceedings. At mediation, an independent third party will try to guide the parents to reach a child arrangement that they are both happy with.

If mediation is unsuccessful, an application to court can be made for a child arrangement order as a last resort. Naturally, court proceedings are expensive and, often, physically and emotionally stressful, and should be avoided if possible. Unfortunately however, in some circumstances, court will be the only option and a judge will make a decision in the children’s best interests.

Whichever method is used to try to arrange child contact, parents must remember to stay focused on the children and remember that withholding maintenance payments will only negatively impact the children that they care so much about. It is also worth remembering that, by continuing to pay maintenance whilst being refused child contact, parents are showing their ex-partners that they are willing to do the right thing all of the time – not just when things go their way.

Katie McCann is head of family law and in-house counsel at Kuits Solicitors in Manchester City Centre. She has a special interest in resolving high value relationship breakdown disputes.

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High Net Worth Individuals Being Forced into Divorce Settlements Due to Loss of Privacy

Published on
Kerry Smith
Kerry Smith
Head of Family at
K J Smith Solicitors

Couples who have a high net worth and a celebrity status are now having to choose negotiated divorce settlements in an attempt to avoid a court appearance as they could lose their privacy as many high profile divorce cases are now reported in the press.

This leads to sensitive information being leaked such as personal details, financial arrangements as well as the way in which their assets are divided.

If sensitive financial information is leaked to the press there is a real concern as it can lead to a security risk or even inform rival businesses of an individual’s financial position which can work against them.

Those individuals who have a high net worth can apply for a restriction to be put in place on any form of reporting via an application for privacy but this can often work to their disadvantage as all couples who apply for these applications have a responsibility to inform the press so that they have the opportunity to contest.

Where cases occur that involve an individual who has a high net worth instead of a celebrity, it can lead to unnecessary attention from the media especially if they are not obvious targets as it makes them aware of a divorce case that could be news worthy that they otherwise wouldn’t have been aware of.

Problems can also be made worse because individuals can also use the media to their advantage as it can lead to their ex-partner having to take an unfair settlement through making threats to proceed with a court hearing which can then lead to further exposure.

In April 2009, Journalists were allowed to sit in on most family law cases following many years of heated arguments.

Some family court judges also allowed a completely open court, however in some cases, where court cases involved the identity of a child or an adult who was vulnerable, the court would remain closed.

Many judges encourage transparency when it comes to the family courts but there are some who are against it which can lead to an increased level of inconsistency and conflicts.

There was one instance where Mr Justice Mostyn heavily criticised another judge known as Mr Justice Holman. He was criticised for giving his views on the restrictions put in place for the press because he believed that, that should only be granted access for a limited number of cases.

The issue is that there are no strict guidelines in place regarding what is allowed to be published and what isn’t which means that family law hearings and privacy applications do not ease the problem simply because the press can contest them.

Therefore, those high net worth couples who are considering separation, have to do all they can to ensure that their personal information is hidden from the eyes of the public through avoiding any court proceedings.

This can be made possible by family mediation or arbitration which enables both parties to come to a solution, whilst also avoiding any form of interest from the media.

This article was provided by family law specialists K J Smith Solicitors, an experienced family law firm operating in London, Reading, Henley-on-Thames, Guildford and Basingstoke.

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I want a Divorce – Contemplating Divorce

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

It is true that no two divorces are the same, but it is also true that there are some features and traits that run through the veins of most divorce processes.

If you find yourself thinking or stating, “I want a divorce,” or if you are contemplating divorce, here are some things that you need to keep in mind.

Firstly and in no particular order, it is very, very likely going to get rough.

I know of couples who start off their divorce process saying that they will not get into “it” but truth be told, you will at some point or other about one thing or another.

A divorcing friend once said to me, “Our divorce will not get as nasty as yours did,” but it did happen when it came to creating the parenting plan – a very common bone of contention in divorce.

Please, please, please keep in mind that this is quite normal in divorce. It is a fight and it may indeed become a full blown war. When this happens, don’t be surprised. It is part of the divorce process, as callous and dismissive as that sounds. But if you prepare yourself to see the worst side of your soon to be ex, then you will be better able to cope.

So get a good support system around you.  Someone or people who can be and remain objective as opposed to those who will only serve in fanning the flames of your anger, resentment and outrage. Someone who is comfortable enough to say to you, “Dont’ be silly, that’s a riduclous thing to say or do.”

Secondly, prepare to meet your worst side.

You will be astonished that you’re capable of the most awful thoughts, words and wishes than you ever thought yourself capable off.

You will utter the most awful things and you will have lethal and toxic emotions of the worst kind. Deal with them.

Accept that they are there but don’t let them govern, control or regulate your actions. Saying, “she made me do it,” will not cut it with the judge neither will “he asked for it!” The sooner you take responsibility for your own actions the better and the less frequently you will act upon them.

Just don’t make decisions when you are full of anger.  Leave it, sleep on it and keep in mind what Benjamin Franklin said, “Whatever is begun in anger, ends in shame.”  Amen to that!

Thirdly, when the war erupts, don’t take it personally. Yes, I know, easier said than done, but I promise you, I

Contemplating divorce
When contemplating divorce, remember to keep the children out of it.

practised this during my second divorce and it helped PLENTY!  I still use it in my daily life and it turns out that it’s a very useful coping skill to have.

During the divorce process, you will fight and truth be told, you would behave in exactly the same way as your ex is if you were made of the same genes and had the same perspective and life experiences. He isn’t fighting you, he is fighting the situation.

She isn’t being hostile towards you per se, it is the situation, the divorce process, that is making her do so. In reality, she would behave the same way if you were Tom, Dick or Harry. It just happens to be you in the firing line or in the ring with her. And he would hate you just as much as he is now if you were Mary, Jane or Lucy – by the way is there the feminie equivalent of Tom, Dick and Harry?  I googled it but couldn’t find anything?

Fourthly, there are other ways of getting a divorce. The divorce process doesn’t have to involve divorce solicitors although, you may still need them at some point, especially if your are lucky enough to have a fairly amicable divorce.  Thankfully today, there are other ways round it. Think family mediation, collaborative law, McKenzie Friends or DIY through the courts. Find what suits you.

Fifth, as mentioned in previous point, get legal advice.  Many solicitors offer a 30 min free consultation. Prepare, prepare, prepare your questions in advance so you can cover as much as possible AND do take a friend with you because they will be better placed in retaining whatever information you get than you would be in this emotional time of your life . So two things, prepare whatever you need to know and take someone with you.

Sixth, remember to deal with your financial order. We have seen in recent times, Vince vs Wyatt, how not dealing with the your financial order and getting a clean break can come back to haunt you. Make sure you get it all done. All of it or as much of it as possible so nothing is left pending.

Seventh, the children have got nothing to do with your split yet everything to do with it. Please, please, please, keep your children out of it.

Look after them and don’t involve them in adult matters. They don’t need to know because they are unable to handle it. They don’t have the maturity to manage the situation. Instead contain their fears and anxieties.

Answer their questions as best as you can by using age appropriate vocabulary. Read up on the effects of divorce on children, why children need fathers or both parents and keep them in mind at all times as you create your age appropriate parenting plan.

If you are able to keep your children in mind, things fall into place because you have a focus, a focal point that is made up of the hearts, minds and wellbeing of the most important people in your life as you both are to them.

Divorce can get crazy and it usually does. Your soon to be ex becomes your enemy, the last person that you want to see or the last voice you want to hear. The mention of their name sends anger spasms through your body, mind and spirit.

For some, not all, but I dare say most, the divorce process does happen like this but it doesn’t have to stay this way.  You alone can control your side of things, your way of handling situations and how well your children cope with the divorce process.

Here are 3 Friedrich Nietzsche quotes that I hope will help in any way possible:

Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster.

There are no facts, only interpretations.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

It may not look like it now but there is life after divorce.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the five star-rated online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

 

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co-parenting over Christmas

Tips on Co-parenting over Christmas – Part 2

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo

Child Trauma Therapist

Founder of The Divorce Magazine

For some, this will be your first Christmas as a divorced parent.

Some of you may have been through family mediation so have a plan all set out as to how you will be co-parenting during this time while some of you are wondering just how to work it out from here on.

Trick is to start with this first Christmas and if your co-parenting plan works out then stick to it until when you need to adjust it.

If it doesn’t work out this time, then you have 11 months to plan how to deal with it next time.

The best thing you can do for your children is to keep them in mind and find a plan that really, truly works for them.

If you’re struggling with reaching an agreement then do consider seeing a trained family mediaitor who can help both of you reach an agreement that works for you.

Anyway, here are some co-parenting ideas that you could try this Christmas.

  • If there is great distance between you and your ex, distance as in geographical not emotional, then you might want to consider alternating Christmas holidays i.e. one year your partner has them over the entire holidays and then next year you have them.  This has worked very, very well in my case.  If you are the one without the children then please do plan what you will do with your time. You will miss the terribly of course, so make sure you have not only a plan but also a support system around you.  Then remember that next year it will be you spending the holidays with your little ones.
  • If you are close enough to walk or drive then consider splitting the day itself.  I met an adult who said that this was how it worked in her family and her and her sister loved it because they got to not only see both parents and extended family on Christmas day, but they got to open two sets of presents too! They would start by having Christmas lunch with their father and then dinner with their mum.
  • Another way of alternating is that one of you has the children on the day itself, i.e. 25th and then the other on 26th and the next year you alternate, you have them on the 25th and your ex-partner has them on the 26th
  • Maybe you could have them on 24th, Christmas eve and do a whole Christmas dinner with other family members e.g. grandparents, open the gifts and truly celebrate and in the morning they could then go off to your ex-spouse home and do the whole thing again with his family

Whichever way you decided to go, put yourself and your emotions to one side, then go off and vent to one of your friends or family if need be but allow the children to go and enjoy Christmas with their mother or their father whatever the case may be.  Make it about them only.  They will thank you, maybe not today or tomorrow but they will one day.

[You can find part oner by clicking here]

Warm holiday hugs,

Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce and the creator of the five-star rated online parenting course Raising Children of Divorce. 

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Family mediation training

How Becoming a Family Mediator/Professional Practice Consultant (PPC) can Generate Additional Income for Family Lawyers and What to Look for in Choosing a PPC

Published on
Austin Chessell www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Austin Chessell is a Professional Practice Consultant (PPC) and a Collaborative Family Solicitor at Feltons Solicitors

Introduction

At a time when the legal aid cuts are beginning to bite and the Government is trying to free up Court time by requiring Applicants to consider alternative dispute resolution as an alternative to proceedings (e.g. Mediation Information Assessment Meetings or “MIAMs”), some Family lawyers are branching out into Family Mediation to compensate for the drop in fee income resulting from the cutbacks.

In this Article, Family solicitor Austin Chessell explains how he has done exactly that by using mediation in a way which allows him to continue practicing Family Law and provides some tips on how to go about it and progress to being a PPC (Professional Practice Consultant).

 

My Family Mediation journey so far has been very interesting because in addition to my Family Law practice working as a mediator has allowed me to build up a caseload for couples who have decided they want to separate out of court in a cost effective, timely and non-adversarial way. I still represent clients who want to go to court using the traditional route, but this is only part of my caseload. Five years ago I was working solely as a Family Solicitor, but now Family Mediation accounts for roughly 45% of my work.

The entry point to practicing as a mediator is to complete training that is run or approved by one of the member organisations of the Family Mediation Council (‘FMC’). The member organisations are:

  • National Family Mediation;
  • Family Mediators Association;
  • ADR Group;
  • College of Mediators;
  • Resolution;
  • The Law Society.

As explained below, there are several layers of qualification consisting of:

  • Family Mediator – this is the entry level which allows you to practice as a mediator but only on private cases, not legally aided ones. It does not enable you to do MIAMs.
  • MIAM training – this enables you to do MIAMs.
  • Accredited Family Mediator – this allows you to do legal aid family mediations.
  • PPC – this enables you to supervise trainee and qualified mediators.

How to get started

You need to become a member of a Mediation body and choose one of their supervisors (called a Professional Practice Consultants (a ‘PPC’)) who guides you through the process below.

The relationship with your PPC is an ongoing one (even if you become a PPC) and membership of your Mediation organisation needs to be renewed yourself annually and backed up by professional indemnity insurance once you are qualified.

You then need to complete a Foundation Mediation course which takes about two months. Not all mediation organisations provide their own training but there are several third party training bodies. I did mine with Hertfordshire Family Mediation Service. Check with the trainer that the foundation course will be recognised when you write up your portfolio for accreditation purposes.

Having completed the Foundation Mediation training, you need to find mediators who will let you observe their mediation sessions and co-mediate with them before you can start practicing as a qualified Mediator.

You will need 10 hours of co-mediation experience and observe several mediation sessions. You also need to meet with your PPC for four one hour meetings each year. You therefore need to be highly motivated to find a mediation service provider for experience, and network with their mediators to observe their cases and find people to co-mediate with. Only then can you start mediating on privately funded mediation cases.

You will also need to meet continuous professional development requirements.

Legal aid mediation cases require you to be ‘accredited’ as mentioned above. I am based in London and found I got more observations by traveling outside of London to places like Kent and Milton Keynes as the London mediation services seemed to have lots of requests from trainee mediators for observations and I did not want to wait a long time to continue my mediation development.

Choosing your PPC

Becoming a family mediatorChoosing your PPC is an important decision. Take your time to have an introductory meeting with them. Each PPC will have their own style whether it is administrative, educative or supportive or a combination of all three. You are going to need to meet your PPC several times each year and work with them for several months to years if you also plan to prepare a portfolio to become accredited.

Over the past 5 years I have been supervised by 2 different PPCs. Both are from counselling backgrounds. I have found it useful for me to develop by having a supervisor from a non-legal background, although I would not rule out having a PPC from a legal background in future.

When I first started mediating, it was hard to stop thinking like a Solicitor and play the role of Mediator, but it now feels more natural after discussing techniques on how to do this with my PPC. It is important not to give legal advice in mediation sessions as this is not the role of the mediator, but obviously an understanding of the legal background is an advantage.

You will find you get more out of a supervision session if you plan in advance the points that you would like to discuss with your PPC, as the one hour sessions can go very quickly. You also need to make sure the supervision sessions are boundaried to maintain a professional relationship.

PPC’s are also useful as sounding boards to explore if you are ready to do the next stage of mediation training.

After the 10 hours of co-mediation and several observations (in my case I did 5), your organization should recognize that you are qualified to practice as a mediator and be able to work with privately funded cases. In my case my PPC provided me with a readiness to practice document.

MIAM training

If you want to progress to doing MIAMs you need to do a one day MIAM training course. In my case the course was run by my mediation organisation and approved by the trainer and my PPC. Also, you will need your PPC’s written support and be working towards accreditation if you are not already accredited.

The MIAM is a meeting between the client and the mediator to see if there are alternative ways to reach proposals with the former partner rather than going through the Courts. The mediator will explain to the client what the options might be, how mediation works and what it is, the benefits of mediation and other ways of resolving disputes, the likely costs and considering elegibility for legal aid.

As readers will know, MIAMs are a pre-requisite to commencing proceedings for children and financial matters at Court, so it is an obvious work stream for Mediators.

From my experience a lot of clients who come to a MIAM still decide to go to court for their financial or children matters but do come back to mediation after court when the realise that the court does not always have the outcome they want!

If you would like to be able to mediate with children further training is needed (in my case a two day course and a written assignment).

Accreditation

The next level is ‘accreditation’ which allows you to deal with legal aid funded mediations. This is a complex and time consuming process as it requires writing up a portfolio of three cases and satisfying the following checklist to be submitted to the accrediting organisation:

  • Personal training and development plan
  • CV
  • Foundation training certificate
  • Witness testimony from your PPC with his/her recommendations on competency to do solo work
  • Readiness to practice – assessment from your PPC
  • Personal reflective account
  • Case commentaries on three cases.

You will need to write about two completed cases relating to children and financial matters and a third case which can be about children or financial matters.

However, the above will be replaced by a new scheme in 2016. Details can be found at the Family Mediation Council website.

Becoming a PPC

Having become accredited, qualifying as a PPC requires a two-day training course followed by a written assignment to be approved by the course trainer.

Conclusion

It is very rewarding and refreshing to help mediation clients reach agreement out of court. Mediation is also a useful additional income stream for your Family Department.

Once qualified , if you are looking to develop as a Mediator and are not part of a networking mediation group, see if there is a local one, and if not, consider starting one yourself. Ask your PPC who may know if there is a group near to you. I set up the London Family Mediation Group in 2011 and it has been very educational for me to hear stories from a range of different Family Mediators and it is also a good way to keep up to date with developments in the mediation profession.

Good luck with your mediation journey!

 

This article was first published by Solicitors Journal on 11th August 2015 and is reproduced by kind permission.

Austin Chessell is a Professional Practice Consultant (PPC) at FAMIA across Inner and Greater London.

 Austin is also a Collaborative Family Solicitor at Feltons Solicitors and is a member of the Collaborative Pod group Essex Family Solutions.

 Email: achessell@feltonssolicitors.co.uk

 

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High Conflict Divorce – How to Protect your Children

Published on
Children of divorce
Soila Sindiyo
 Founder of The Divorce Magazine and Child Trauma Therapist

I think most of us will agree that conflict, arguments, disagreements or whatever you want to call them, are indeed part of “normal” life in a home, however, conflict becomes an issue when children are exposed to it on a regular basis and where it involves both verbal abuse and physical violence.

One line I always recall hearing during my training in working with children of trauma is:

A child old enough to laugh, is old enough to experience trauma.

So for those parents who think a child is too young to understand what is happening you maybe seeking to protect yourselves, rather than the child.

Is it possible that it’s easier to think this way than actually deal with the issues at hand?

Keep in mind two things:

  • You are not your child’s only influence so you’d better be the best
  • A child who is exposed to violence changes who they are

If you’re engaged in a high conflict divorce then here are some things you could do in the hope of protecting your children:

  •  Only communicate through a third party if necessary.  One lady I heard off, got someone to read through emails from her ex.  This reader person would then relate back to her what had been requested in his mail omitting any unnecessary points that had been raised only for point scoring purposes.
  • There are, fortunately, a million ways to communicate nowadays, email, text, whatsapp, mediation, solicitors (andeffects of divorce on childrenno they are not all bad), letters and the list continues.  If you don’t want to see one another, you really don’t have to.
  • Just don’t slag your ex in front of the children, totally unnecessary.  No one gains, not even you. The children might listen to you now and agree with you but in later years, it will come back to haunt you.  Trust me.
  • Get a mutual/public place to meet for the transitions between homes.  If the children are old enough, school’s always a good place.
  • Get you own adult sounding board.  Your children don’t need to hear, know or be part of your arguments.
  • Don’t involve your children in adult issues.  You know what those issues are but your children don’t need to.  Protect their innocence as much and for as long as you can.

If in doubt do speak with someone, your children will be very grateful for that, if not now, later.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator

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Serial Dating after Divorce

Serial Dating after Divorce and You.

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

After divorce, take a breather before dating again.  This especially holds true when one’s spouse had an affair and left them for someone else.

It may be tempting to jump into someone’s arms (or bed) right after a divorce to reaffirm that you are the sexy person you once were pre-marriage.

Resist that temptation. The ego is hurt after an affair and serial dating is not the cure. A one night stand is not the balm to heal the ego, but merely a temporary quick fix.

When Serial Dating after Divorce Happens

Serena’s husband left her for her friend.

It was such a shock to her ego that she wanted instant validation from other men. She was desperate to be reassured that she was sexy and desirable since her husband had been getting sex elsewhere during marriage.

Looking back, Serena said that the men attracted to her were not really available emotionally or by circumstance. She was dating similar men to her husband. None were willing to commit or contemplate being in a long-term relationship.

They were here just for the present and planning more than a week ahead was out of their comfort zone. These fellows (jerks as she now calls them), were repulsed when told that she had two young children. None of these relationships lasted over three months.

Serena thought she was doing better than she actually was – since she felt popular. She had so many short-terms relationships which she equated with popularity. Serena sought validation externally, instead of having it internally since her self-worth had taken a nose dive.

Serial Dating after Divorce
She started an exercise program, continued to meditate and ate more nutritious foods

Dating so many people in a short-time is a distraction (as for Serena) which keeps one from addressing their own issues and work which needs to be done.

This type of distraction keeps the focus on partners and off introspection and what may be uncomfortable in oneself that prevents moving on.

After her husband’s betrayal, Serena did not feel valued and looked to dates to provide this.

Think twice before getting sexually involved with your ex.

Serena had poor boundaries post-divorce and wished she had said goodbye with a clean break – as she had done financially through mediation. She said it was not appropriate to have continued to have sex with her former husband and paid the price for it. It muddied the waters when she started dating again and was trying to move on.

Her ex parted ways with her friend and Serena had difficulty accepting his new girlfriends. Her therapist helped her to see this behaviour was not helpful to either of them.

Reaching out to others and forming new social connections lessened Serena’s need to get validation from dates. As she became more empowered through therapy, Serena no longer sought out validation as she discovered her own self-worth and strengths.

She recommends nurturing yourself, whether it is getting a latte, being in nature or doing other pleasurable pursuits. This self-nurturing is important for moving on and being fulfilled in life.

She started an exercise program, continued to meditate and ate more nutritious foods. When Serena no longer required a relationship to feel valued, she slowed down and took time getting to know people. Once Serena got out of thinking “poor little me”, realized that many others were also suffering and that she was not alone, her life turned around.

Serena is dating a wonderful fellow who loves and appreciates her.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

 

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Let’s Stop the Blame Game – the Argument for No-Fault Divorce

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Katie McCann Head of Family Law and in-house counsel at Kuits Solicitors
Katie McCann
Head of Family Law and in-house counsel at Kuits Solicitors

‘Nobody likes a snitch’ is how the playground saying goes.

Yet ‘snitching’ is what you must do in the UK in order to get divorced, without having to prove that you and your spouse have been living separate lives for a minimum of two years (or five if your spouse will not consent to the divorce).

To be able to divorce after one year of marriage, adultery or unreasonable behaviour must be cited, and these behaviours must be shown to have caused the marriage to have irretrievably broken down.

With unreasonable behaviour being the most frequently used ground, examples of such conduct have ranged from domestic abuse to the respondent not taking a big enough interest in the petitioner’s career. Whatever the accusation, the concept is always the same: the petitioner is pointing the finger at their ex-spouse and claiming that their behaviour is the reason behind the divorce.

At a time when emotions are already running high, it is certainly questionable that the law encourages ex-spouses to ‘stir the pot’ by requiring them to place blame on their ex-partner.

Explaining the rationale behind the law, Sir Nicholas Wall states: “In the nineteenth century […] divorce was a matter of social status – it mattered whether you were divorced or not, and if you were, it was important to demonstrate that you were the “innocent” party.”

Today, with 42% of marriages estimated to end in divorce[1], surely this reasoning is neither necessary nor appropriate.

no-fault divorce
Let’s Stop the Blame Game – the Argument for No-Fault Divorce

Divorce no longer attracts the same negative social connotations that it once did and therefore the quest for innocence is somewhat redundant. As Sir Justice Munby correctly questioned: “Has the time not come to remove all concepts of fault as a basis for divorce and to leave irretrievable breakdown as the sole ground?”

Baroness Hale has been the most recent figure to answer this question in the affirmative by reiterating her call for the introduction of no-fault divorce – one that she initially made some 20 years ago.

One of the main arguments against the blame game is that it is effectively pointless.

Apart from allowing one spouse to appear ‘innocent’ and from it allegedly ‘discouraging divorce’ (a theory never necessarily proven), once the finger has been pointed there are no further repercussions. Therefore, by way of example, if adultery is alleged then this will have no bearing on the financial order that a court makes.

Another problem with fault-based divorce, and in particular with the unreasonable behaviour ground, is that it is far too broad.

As mentioned above, it can catch all manners of behaviour; indeed, it seems unfair to tarnish a spouse who does not pay their partner enough attention with the same brush as a violent domestic abuser. It also does not cater for situations where there has been unreasonable behaviour from both spouses, or adultery by one spouse and unreasonable behaviour by the other. In this situation, which spouse should be labelled as the innocent party? Surely time is wasted and emotions are drained by trying to agree who the innocent party is.

Laying the blame on one spouse is not appropriate when a couple have simply grown apart and fallen out of love. It seems unjust to force one party to make an accusation of unreasonable behaviour in this situation, especially as they are unlikely to actually agree with the claims they are making.

The government is currently attempting to get more couples to use mediation by making mediation information meetings (MIAMs) compulsory before beginning court proceedings. They are also offering a complimentary mediation session to couples where one spouse qualifies for legal aid.

The Justice Minister, Simon Hughes, has explained that mediation allows people to avoid the confrontational and stressful nature of court. But, if the government’s aim is to reduce confrontation, surely fault-based divorce must be abolished? If the starting point of divorce is to hold one spouse accountable for the marital breakdown, this does not pave the way for an amicable divorce procedure. If mediation is truly going to be a success, then perhaps a no-fault ground allowing divorce after a year is required.

[1] http://www.ons.gov.uk/ons/rel/vsob1/divorces-in-england-and-wales/2011/sty-what-percentage-of-marriages-end-in-divorce.html

Katie McCann is head of family law and in-house counsel at Kuits Solicitors in Manchester City Centre. She has a special interest in resolving high value relationship breakdown disputes.

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Contact Center
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Children of Divorce – Using a Contact Center

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Heather Brown Family Mediator Behavioural Mentor
Heather Brown
Family Mediator
Behavioural Mentor

Heather Brown, family mediator and behavioural mentor, speaks to us about contact centres.

For 7 years, Heather was manager of two contact centres and having had enquiries about contact centers in and around the UK, I couldn’t think of anyone better to ask about the services that are provided by these types of organisations.

Currently Heather works as a Family Mediator as well as a Managing Director and Behavioural Mentor with at risk teenagers with Present Future Solutions.

 

This interview carries so much information on the role and use of contact centers that I know for sure you or someone you know will greatly benefit from what Heather talks about.

Some of the questions answered are:

  • What role do contact centres or family contact centres play when it comes to co-parenting?
  • How can one find their nearest contact centre?
  • Once you find this contact center, can you self-refer or do you need a family court judge to do it for you, CAFCASS (Children and Families Court Advisory Services) or family lawyer?
  • Who pays for the service and how much is it?
  • Will I have to see my ex-partner at the contact centre? No, all arrivals and departures are staggered.

Heather goes on to talk about the different types of contact center services that there are and what they mean for each couple.  These are:

  • Supervised contact
  • Escorted or community contact
  • Handover
  • Supported contact

Heather makes it clear that contact centers are not only impartial but they also give support not only to the non-resident parent but to the resident parent too.  They are there as a short term solution to the current ongoing co-parenting problem.

If you’re looking for a contact center please contact the NACCC – National Association of Child Contact Centres

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How to End a Marriage?

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Joan bishop has been a family mediator for the past 15 years.

She herself is from a fractured family, a process she still recalls vividly to this day, when she had to give evidence at her parents divorce at the age of 13 years.  Thankfully children of divorce don’t need to be involved in this way anymore during the divorce process.

Previously Joan worked with in the field of adoption and fostering where she picked up a lot of the skills and techniques she uses today in family mediation specifically, the importance of a positive ending and new beginnings.

Joan holds an MSc in Mediation and Conflict Resolution from the Institute of Family Therapy, University of London.

The interviews below are so important for those in the midst of divorce or those wondering how to end a marriage as amicably as possible.

Joan talks about how to establish a new way of communicating from here on, especially where there are children of divorce concerned and parents are trying to create parenting plans that will work for them and their children.  She encourages couples to keep in mind that whatever happened is now in the past.  Moving on to a better life after divorce and creating a positive and conducive environment for children of divorce will indeed help in reducing any negative and long term effects of divorce of children.  One of the things that needs to be done to move on to new beginnings is we need to acknowledge the pain and difficulty that each person is feeling.

Coping with divorce or coping and dealing with divorce is made more manageable a process when people understand certain things about how they came to be where they are, that everyone holds their own version of the truth and that the pain experienced by the leaver and the left are indeed quite different.

Joan’s process of how to end a marriage is strutured and was created on Future Focused therapy and narrative mediation

During the mediation process, Joan provides the couples space to talk about things they really know about, which is about their relationship, they become settled and able to talk about things they feel they need to and this then decreases their anxiety.

Joan is head of mediation at www.familypartnermediation.com – 07765 886 552  – info@familypartnermediation.co.uk

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How to Get Divorced – Where to get Divorce Papers?

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Which divorce forms and where to get divorce papers from?

We have so far looked at the importance of getting the financial order or financial agreement in place, how to get divorced and now we look at where to get divorce papers from.

The divorce forms are different for each basis or case and you can download the necessary divorce papers from here https://www.gov.uk/divorce/overview

What if we have nothing to “fight” about financially, we still need a financial order or a clean break order? Yes you do.

How long does the divorce process take? About 5 – 6 months if all is well.

What is the form E? Horrible form that’s a bit like an income tax form! It’s a form you have to complete in relation to financial proceedings. So if you’re going through financial proceedings relating to your divorce or ending of your civil partnership you have to provide full details in relations to your personal and financial circumstances and to provide lots of supporting financial documents that go with it.

Form E is completed during the family mediation process during the financial disclosure stage. At the end of the day, what the court will need is a summary of this information, i.e. each person’s full financial standing and this is required on what is called a D81 otherwise known as a Statement of information for a Financial Consent Remedy Order!

Completing this particular divorce form is crucial as it allows the divorce judge to look at the proposed order against that form and decide whether that order should be approved or not.

Without that background information he or she cannot make any decisions as to whether that financial order or financial agreement is correct.

Sometimes you won’t get your decree absolute until your finances have been sorted because by having your decree absolute you’re no longer husband and wife. This means that if there are pensions involved it’s important that until all of the finances have been resolved that you don’t have your decree absolute. So don’t rush into headlong finalising your divorce until you have sorted out your finances.

Caroline is a seasoned family lawyer and a member of Resolution which follows a strict code of practice and code of conduct so as to promote amicable and conciliatory divorce.  You can contact Caroline on:

www.independentlegalservices.info

cs.independentlegalservices@gmail.com

Phone: 07518178977

 

 

 

 

 

 

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How to Get Divorced – The Divorce Papers

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Following on from Caroline Saunders’ previous interview on the importance of getting a financial order in place, this interview focuses on the necessary divorce papers that you will need as you go about filing for divorce.

Caroline Saunders is a  Family lawyer and keen supporter of family mediation.  She is the founder of Independent Legal Services  where she helps couples complete their divorce papers and drafting the all important financial order agreement.

Couples can do their own divorce but after down loading the divorce forms online and do the actual divorce part Caroline will check them and most importantly will also draft their financial order which she does from Memorandum of Understanding that their family mediator will have prepared.

This document, the Memorandum of Understanding, sets out the background to their case and the details of the agreement that they have reached.


Caroline also drafts another very important document which is a financial document which is a summary of their financial and personal circumstances. Both documents are required by the court.

The making of the financial order is not a rubber stamping operation. It goes before a judge whose role is to be a judge and not just to stamp documents. This means that he or she will check through the draft of the financial order against the financial summary and personal summary to see whether in his or her opinion, that order is practical, workable and most importantly fair.

If the agreement seems unfair and/or the judge has some questions, the judge will contact the couple so that they can clarify any issues but should the agreement be clearly unworkable it will be rejected.

What are the grounds for divorce or the reasons for divorce? There’s only one which is that the marriage has irretrievably broken down but you have to substantiate that on the basis of one of the following further five reasons for divorce:

 

  1. Unreasonable behaviour
  2. Sexual relationship with someone else
  3. Lived apart for the period of two years and the other party consents
  4. Lived apart for a period of two years because the other party has left the marriage
  5. You’ve lived apart for 5 years

 

The divorce forms are different for each basis or case and you can download the necessary divorce papers from here https://www.gov.uk/divorce/overview

Caroline is a seasoned family lawyer and a member of Resolution which follows a strict code of practice and code of conduct so as to promote amicable and conciliatory divorce.  You can contact Caroline on:

cs.independentlegalservices@gmail.com

Phone: 07518178977

 

 

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