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Family Mediation Week: All the Ways Mediation Can Help During Divorce

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Gayle Rowley
Gayle Rowley
Partner, Solicitor & Mediator
Nelsons Solicitors

This Family Mediation Week (27th Jan – 31 Jan), partner and specialist family lawyer Gayle Rowley is discussing why mediation has become such a popular choice and the benefits it can bring to separating couples.

Although mediation has been around for years, with celebrities such as Tom Cruise, Britney Spears, Jude Law, and Adele all having opted for mediation to resolve their marital disputes, in recent years there has been a rise in using this option to preserve relationships between couples and their wider families.

Gayle, who last year received a full accreditation with the Family Mediation Council, recognising her specific training and commitment to this area of non-Court dispute resolution (NCDR), said: “Every January marks the renewal of discussion around divorce day, with headlines citing ‘the surge in marriage breakdowns’ or ‘the top reason for splitting up’. Headlines like these don’t always tell the whole story, and it’s important to focus on how divorce and separation can be handled in a more positive way.

“Mediation offers divorcing couples a chance for a win-win resolution that involves spending less time and money – allowing them to feel truly empowered in their decisions.

“We have seen an influx of mediation enquiries recently and mediation has certainly become more popular and a way to avoid costly and stressful court proceedings in the right circumstances.”

Family Mediation Week aims to raise awareness of the benefits of mediation and encourage separating couples to think of mediation as a way of helping them to take control, make decisions together and build a positive future for their family.

Mediation allows more open and honest discussions, as proposals put forward during sessions cannot be revealed in Court.

For many, mediation is often recommended when children are involved, to ensure couples are prioritising the wellbeing of their children during this time.

Gayle added: “Mediation is better for children. The process can be significantly less traumatic than for couples who end up in court as it promotes better communication and reduces conflict, while prioritising what is best for the whole family. It also helps avoid larger legal bills, which will be vitally important for most families.

“Courts are still exceptionally busy. Clients can expect a divorce and financial proceedings to take anything from six months to 18 months or more, whereas mediation can help to bring a resolution in as little as a few months.

“Perhaps most importantly, mediation puts the control into the clients’ hands. Going down the litigation route eventually leads to a decision from a judge, meaning one or in fact both parties may end up with an outcome that they do not want, having spent a considerable amount in legal fees.”

About Gayle Rowley

Gayle is a Partner, Solicitor and FMC Accredited Mediator at Nelsons Solicitors. She qualified as a Solicitor in 1997 and worked in our team from 2001 to 2013, and then re-joined the team in December 2020, following our acquisition of Glynis Wright & Co.

Gayle specialises in family law, advising and mediating divorce and separation cases, often involving complex financial settlements. Gayle also advises and mediates in relation to private children law matters, including the resolution of children arrangements, parental responsibility and specific issue orders, and prohibited steps orders

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Family Mediation and ‘MIAMs’: Recent Rule Changes. Young people sitting in a circle and having a group discussion.
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Family Mediation and ‘MIAMs’: Recent Rule Changes

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Emma Alfieri
Emma Alfieri
Legal Director
Greene & Greene Solicitors

Mediation Information and Assessment Meetings (MIAMs) have been compulsory in Family Court proceedings since 2014.

MIAMs – What are they?

‘Mediation’ is a method of resolving disputes through an independent third party, known as a mediator. Their purpose is to assist parties in negotiating a settlement.

MIAMs are a meeting which considers and explains the potential benefits of mediation and other non-court dispute resolution (NCDR) methods. During this meeting, the mediator will provide an indication as to the method that would be most suitable to resolve the prospective applicant’s particular dispute. If you are looking to apply to the court to settle your divorce or separation issues, it is a legal requirement that you first attend a MIAM.

The Rules – What’s changing?

  1. MIAM Exemptions:

The courts are looking to update their rules around the obligations to attend a MIAM, and, from 29th April 2024, they will be introducing various changes to reflect this.

If a MIAM exemption applies, then a prospective applicant will not be required to attend a MIAM.

Previously, an application for a MIAM exemption could be accepted in the absence of any supporting evidence. The new Rules, however, require said evidence to be attached to the application.

The courts will make an initial inquiry into whether the exemption is valid, and this will be subject to an ongoing review. If an exemption is deemed invalid, the court may direct parties to attend a MIAM, and possibly adjourn proceedings for that purpose.

In these circumstances, parties are encouraged to engage with the MIAMs because the court will take parties’ conduct into account when considering whether to make an order for costs in relation to the proceedings.

Why?

A stricter approach to the MIAM exemptions means that it will be harder to avoid a MIAM. You may be asking, what are the benefits of this? Well, by exploring NCDR at an early stage, you might be able to (amicably) reach an agreement, and avoid both the time and money involved in issuing court proceedings. Early resolution can also aid in preserving relationships; this may be particularly important in cases where co-parenting is involved.

What else?

April 2024 also brings with it a new MIAM exemption. If a prospective applicant can provide written evidence that they have attended a NCDR process within the 4 months prior the date of the court application (in relation to the same, or substantially the same, dispute to which the proposed court proceedings relate), then an exemption applies. This will ensure that prospective applicants are not unnecessarily directed to attend a NCDR. ‘Written evidence’ is obtained once a NCDR provider has confirmed that the applicant has attended.

  1. An insight into parties’ attitude:

From 28th April 2024, the court is introducing a new Rule for those commencing either financial remedy proceedings or private law proceedings related to children. Applicants who fall within the relevant criteria must now file with the court, and serve on all parties, a form setting out their views on using NCDR as a method of settling.

Why?

The court has introduced this requisite to monitor and identify whether NCDR is a suitable alternative for parties. Requiring parties to record their views about NCDR on paper will encourage them to think outside of the box (or indeed the court room) and consider whether a resolution can be achieved through other means; the benefits of which have been briefly discussed above.

What can divorce experts do?

As well as supporting you in your Family Court proceedings, divorce experts can refer you to accredited mediators that are recognised by Resolution and the Family Mediation Council, to ensure you have the best chance of success at mediating your dispute.

This is only intended to be a summary and not specific legal advice.

Read more articles by Emma Alfieri.

About Emma Alfieri

Emma Alfieri is a Legal Director at Suffolk firm Greene & Greene Solicitors.

Emma advises on all aspects of family law, including divorce and associated financial matters, disputes between cohabitants and child related disputes.

A member of Resolution, Emma is committed to resolving disputes as positively and agreeably as possible whilst also being motivated to obtain the best possible outcome for her clients.

Since 2012 Emma has been consistently recommended by the Legal 500 on an annual basis and in the most recent 2024 edition Emma is ranked as a “rising star”.

As an advocate of fault free divorce, Emma lobbied at Parliament with other members of Resolution in 2016 to bring about the recent changes to divorce law.

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Everything You Need to Know About Family Mediation Process

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Stacey Nevin
Stacey Nevin
Partner
Kingsley Napley LLP

In this Mediation Week, Stacey Nevin explains all you need to know about the family mediation process

Mediation is a confidential and voluntary process which involves a series of meetings between a couple and a mediator in which, together, they try to reach an agreement, perhaps on financial matters and/or children arrangements, during a divorce or separation.

A mediator’s role is to guide you and your ex through the process and assist you both in reaching an agreement, rather than to advise you. Importantly the mediator is a neutral professional meaning all the choices and decisions remain yours.

The drawbacks

The mediation process does not guarantee an outcome. The process is voluntary, so either you or your ex can end the process at any time and a decision cannot be imposed. The negotiations also remain confidential, and cannot be referred to in correspondence or court proceedings.

However, the only process that guarantees an outcome for a separating couple is a final hearing in front of a judge (whether this is by way of a private arbitration process or via the public courts), which can be expensive and slow.

The benefits

Even if you have solicitors in the background, mediation usually results in significant cost savings as the work of solicitors is greatly reduced. Where mediation does not result in an overall agreement, it can still narrow the issues so that the work your solicitors need to do is reduced.

There is an increasing push towards transparency in English courts, and so publicity is no longer a worry just for celebrity clientele.  Mediation offers complete privacy.

The family mediation process sees you and your ex coming to a compromised agreement, rather than having a judge (a total stranger to you and your family) impose an outcome. There’s a great power in this and research has suggested that couples are more likely to comply with terms to which they have agreed rather than terms they have had imposed on them.

Not only can mediation be more flexible in outcome, but the process itself is less rigid. You and your ex get to set the agenda and can tailor the process to suit your needs and priorities, with a timetable that works for you both.

Third parties can also be brought into the process by agreement. I have mediated a couple who were seeing a family therapist in parallel, to support them in telling their children they were separating. Her involvement was crucial in helping my clients move forward with living apart as they felt more confident in telling their children and had more trust in each other in doing so. Whilst they were separating, for the purpose of that conversation they were a real partnership, focused solely on their children, and it got their co-parenting journey after separation off on a far better footing.

I’ve also conducted mediations with my clients’ financial advisors present, who adjusted forecasts in the session as proposals changed.

The structure of mediation can be flexible too. The traditional model sees both individuals sat around a table with the mediator, either in person or remotely. But there are now options like shuttle mediation, whereby each person is in a different room, with the mediator shuttling between the two. This can even be conducted remotely, with the use of breakout rooms.

If both individuals and the mediator agree, solicitors can attend mediation meetings for the purpose of getting legal advice without delaying the momentum of discussions.

What can be mediated?

Any issue can be mediated.  Mediation can relate to finances and can also be used for issues relating to arrangements for children.

It can also be used to help a couple reach agreement on very discrete points. For example, I have had clients use mediation to agree on how to introduce a new partner into their children’s lives and another wanted to discuss arrangements for a dog loved by both the parents and their children. In that respect, mediation can be a very proportionate way of dealing with more discrete matters.

Is mediation always appropriate?

No, and part of the mediator’s role is to assess the suitability of the case for mediation.

If mediation comes to an end for any reason, without an overall agreement, your mediator will usually explain alternative options to you and signpost you to any helpful resources.

Can mediation be used where there has been domestic abuse?

An old-fashioned view is that mediation can never be appropriate where there has been domestic abuse. I find this quite problematic when a survivor of domestic abuse wants to mediate. Domestic abuse can remove the agency and control from victims, and I am loathed to remove that if survivors want to mediate. By taking mediation off the table, there is potentially a greater risk of court proceedings, which is a process that can be traumatic for some.

However, the decision to mediate where there has been abuse must be one that is taken carefully. The family mediation process must be safe, and should not be used as a means to continue abuse. Your mediator needs to be confident that they can address any power imbalance, so both of you feel comfortable with voicing honest views in the room and will not feel pressurised into an agreement with which you’re not happy. Shuttle mediation can help with this.

Sometimes, however, it’s still not possible to ensure there is a balance of power or that mediation can remain a safe process, and a mediator then needs to conclude that mediation is not suitable. In these circumstances, they will usually signpost you to resources that might be able to offer you further support or guidance.

Can children be involved?

Children can be involved directly in the family mediation process by way of a Child Inclusive Mediator. These are specially trained mediators, who are able to speak to children directly in separate sessions (i.e. without their parents present) about their wishes and feelings in order to give them a voice in the process.  This mediator will then feedback on their views to both parents (with the child’s permission) and the parent’s mediator.

It can be very helpful for a child to know they have a way to have their voice heard.

Is mediation easy?

Not always. Even an amicable divorce isn’t easy. The nature of the feelings and emotions involved makes that almost certain. Mediation requires effort, by both individuals. Like any aspect of separation, it can feel like a rollercoaster at times; you may finish one session feeling more positive than your ex, and that might flip by the end of the next session, as different topics are explored.

But long term, it is often a far healthier route for separating couples and families. Like any healthy lifestyle, it can feel like hard work at first but the long-term benefits make the effort worthwhile in the end.

Read more articles by Stacey Nevin.

About Stacey Nevin

Stacey Nevin, an associate in the Family & Divorce Law team at Kingsley Napley LLP. She works on cases involving all aspects of family law including maintenance cases, private children cases and relocation cases.

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Five Modern Myths about Family Mediation

Published on
Elizabeth Bilton
Elizabeth Bilton
Accredited Mediator and
Qualified Solicitor for Midlands Dove

Mediation is essentially a safe environment for two people to air, discuss, and hopefully resolve their difficulties.

It is facilitated by a mediator, who is there, essentially to “chair” the meeting, in other words to keep it on track and to ensure that both parties have a fair and equal chance to speak and to be heard and likewise to listen to what the other party has to say in their turn.

They are not referees and definitely not judges. There seems to be quite a bit of confusion about family mediation so here are 5 “urban myths” on the subject along with the hard facts.

Mediation is the same as counselling

Counselling focuses on finding the reasons why a relationship is in trouble and tries to determine what change needs to take place in order to save that relationship (or to minimize the damage to the parties as they separate).

It can be extremely valuable, but it is usually a long-term process involving the recognition of a need for change. Mediation simply accepts the current situation as is, without judgement, and looks to find a way for both parties to move forward with their lives.

Mediation is about finding a way for couples to reconcile their differences

As previously mentioned, mediation is about couples finding a way forward. It may result in couples agreeing to reconcile their differences, but there are many other possible outcomes to the mediation process.

In short, mediation is not a way to “get your partner back” any more than it is a way to “get back at your partner”. It is basically intended to be a way to have a meaningful conversation with your partner.

Mediation can be legally enforced

In and of itself, mediation is just a framework in which to hold a productive conversation on a given topic (or topics). You may choose to convert any agreements made into a legally-binding format but that would be up to you (and your partner).

Mediation can be held against you in court

You and your partner can choose to tell a judge that you have been to mediation and agreed a route forward which you would like to present for their formal approval.

The judge does not have to agree to it, but would probably require a very compelling reason not too (such as reason to believe that one partner had been coerced into an unfavourable arrangement). If, however, you are unhappy with the result of the mediation process, you can simply put the whole situation into the hands of the judge, who will take it forward.

Mediation is a substitute for legal advice

You could argue that there is a certain degree of truth in this in that couples with minimal assets and no children might just agree a way forward in mediation and choose to proceed in court on that basis, but where there are significant assets to be divided and/or children, then it is generally very much recommended to speak to a lawyer as well as to a mediator.

About the Author

Elizabeth Bilton is an accredited mediator and qualified solicitor for Midlands Dove, with a specialism in family law disputes.

Elizabeth is one of only a few Mediators in the UK with an appropriate FMC accreditation to sign off on MIAMs required by the Family Court prior to an application being issued.

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What is a MIAM in Family Mediation

What is a MIAM in Family Mediation?

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MIAM stands for Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting.

MIAM is a short meeting where each disputant meets with a trained Family Mediator to get information about how mediation works and to understand the benefits it can offer as a way to resolve disputes.

At the meeting, the mediator will discuss with the parties the nature of their dispute and will explore with them whether mediation would be a suitable way to resolve the issues on which there is disagreement.

If mediation is appropriate, the mediator will discuss with the parties how many sessions they may need, how much it would cost, information about other services that provide help and explain whether they might qualify for legal aid to pay for mediation.

If everyone agrees to try mediation then an appointment is made for the joint mediation meeting.

On the other hand, if mediation is not appropriate for the parties’ circumstances, the mediator will explain why mediation is not suitable option to resolve their dispute and certificate explaining reasons.

If the parties are exempted from mediation, they can decide to take their case to court but they are expected to provide confirmation from a mediator that a ‘mediator’s exemption’ applies.

When does MIAM come in Divorce Proceedings?

It is requirement for separating couples to attend a MIAM before making certain kinds of applications to obtain a Court order. These applications include children contact or divorce proceedings.

If a party makes application to Court without trying other options to resolve dispute, the Court has a general power to adjourn proceedings in order for non-court dispute resolutions to be attempted such as Family Mediation option.

The court would require confirmation from a mediator that she or he has attended a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM).

About Kadan Hassan

Kadan Hassan is aspiring lawyer and a trained Family Mediator with over 9 years’ helping families resolve broad range of disputes.

She is committed to the constructive and cooperative resolution of family disputes and to helping her clients to see the big picture – that their family assets are more than just bricks and mortar and money, they include future relationships specially where children are involved.

Kadan is also knowledgeable in Islamic divorce law.

She is a member of College of Mediators and Family Mediation Council.

Outside of work, Kadan’s physical and mental discipline is Muay Thia boxing.

Tell: 07961228846

Email: Kadan@divorcemediationservice.co.uk

Website: http://www.divorcemediationservice.co.uk/

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Couples Coaching and Family Mediation

Couples Coaching and Family Mediation – Annie Hall Revisited and EDA (Early Dispute Avoidance)

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Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford
Mediator and
Tribunal Judge

In the course of reading an article in the London Magazine, Time out, which comprised of a sequence of potted, very well-written reviews about films with a Valentine’s Day type theme*, I was delighted to chance upon an appraisal of Annie Hall which is possibly my favourite film of all time and which featured in one of my earlier blogs.

The film basically documents a relatively short-lived romance between an angst ridden Alvy Singer played by Woody Allen and an equally angst ridden  Diane Keaton who plays Annie.

I remember it particularly for the quintessential Woody Allen jokes and wisecracks, his elegant repartee and the strong element of “will they, won’t they” and the inevitable failure of the relationship.

The Time Out reviewer focuses more on the Alvy/Annie relationship and looks beyond the romance and passion that one commonly associates with Valentine’s Day.

The reviewer writes:-

“… It shows us how difficult communication is. It also shows that two people being passionate about each other is not enough for everything to work out.

A long-term relationship is far more complex than that. It has to do with compromise and empathy and acceptance of your partner’s shortcomings”.

This very incisive piece of very well written prose could have been written by a mediator or couples coach.
It is not uncommon for mediators to become involved at the end of the relationship when passion has presumably died and communication has broken down.

This of course accentuates the difficulties for the parties and can make it even harder for them to resolve matters. However, understanding these issues is centrifugal to the mediator’s role and being both neutral and empathetic and particularly as the mediation process is conducted in a safe, confidential environment, he or she will be very placed to assist.

Interests and concerns about the past will be identified but the emphasis will be very much on helping the parties to move forward.

My favourite part of Annie Hall is the psychiatrist scene in which each protagonist in a clearly failing relationship gives his or her own subjective view of matters to their respective analysts.

One cannot help that the analysts accept these subjective positions without question, thereby reinforcing each person’s resentments about the other.

There is no mention of anything other than these subjective standpoint and, rather ironically, the analysts who are purporting to help, serve only to reinforce division and contribute to a process of inevitable decline that makes the already very unhappy Alvy and Annie even more miserable and depressed.

What would have happened if Alvy and Annie had either contacted a mediator before they reached the stage of standing in their front room arguing about which book or record belongs to whom? Perhaps more pertinently, what would have happened if they had jointly contacted a couples or relationship coach? 

Couples coaches are skilled professionals who, rather than taking sides, adopt a neutral but empathetic standpoint and rather than two people Alvy and Annie effectively voicing their concerns in a one-sided vacuum, facilitates discussion and will help them to understand, not only themselves little better, but also to at least acknowledge the other’s point of view?

One cannot say that a relationship such as Alvy and Annie’s will be saved, but in the spirit of EDA**, facilitated talking before the point of inevitable decline will often help the protagonists to focus their minds and work out what they want.

At the very least, a couples coach might have helped Alvy and Annie to realize that their relationship was doomed and save them all a great deal of unhappiness. At best, they may have been able to identify some common ground in order to continue their relationship, focus on the positives and coexist harmoniously. 

In some such instances it may be appropriate for an informal agreement to be formulated but as with family mediation, the beauty of couples counselling is that although the counsellor facilitates, it is the parties themselves who are in control of the process and the outcome thereof. This in turn means that they can draw strength both from the counselling process itself and possibly from one another. 

However unwittingly, the above-mentioned analysts disempowered their respective patients. Couples and relationship counsellors and family mediators whose professional charges are very modest do the exact opposite.

Thinking ahead to Valentine’s Day 2018, how about Woody Allen making Annie Hall 2 in which some of the issues raised in this blog are explored, perhaps with a happy ending to counterbalance the very unhappy ending in the original masterpiece?                                               

* “Love In the Movies” – Time Out London, February 14 – 20 -“Annie Hall” is reviewed by Sarah Stein Lubrano, The School of Life.

** see the section on the ASM mediation website which covers EDA( Early Dispute Avoidance)

ABOUT PAUL

Paul Sandford is an accredited civil mediator,  family mediator and Tribunal Judge

He mediates for a leading UK charity, has been appointed a governor/mediator at a London Secondary School and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training and is working towards becoming an accredited family mediator.

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

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Family Mediation for Cohabiting Couples

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Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford
Mediator and
Tribunal Judge

It is quite apparent that marriage is on the decline. Many couples simply cohabit instead. Increasing numbers of people need help and advice in connection with cohabitation disputes rather than marriage disputes.

What many cohabiting couples do not realise is that cohabitation does not create a legal, binding relationship in the same way that marriage does.

Even in the modern age of human rights, when divorce reform is meant to be on the agenda and civil partnerships have been introduced, cohabiting couples still do not have the same level of protection that is enjoyed by their married counterparts-there is no such thing as “a common law marriage!”.

Some people may have had the foresight to enter into a cohabitation agreement. Others will have economic independence and will be able to weather any results and financial storms.

However, most people are not in such favourable positions.

One very good option for disputing cohabiting couples is to go to mediation – In practice mediation gives the parties the flexibility to reach a mutually binding an acceptable agreement that could not otherwise be achieved – not only will they save a lot of money by going to mediation but they could achieve a great deal more.

About Paul

Paul Sandford is an accredited civil mediator,  family mediator and Tribunal Judge

He mediates for a leading UK charity, has been appointed a governor/mediator at a London Secondary School and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training and is working towards becoming an accredited family mediator.

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

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Divorce, Child Psychology and your Family Mediation Process

Published on
una-archer
Una Archer Child Psychologist
Louis Whitney
Louisa Whitney Family Mediator

This article looks at how using child psychologists along side the mediation process can help parents to achieve the best possible outcomes for their children when they separate.

Separation is a hard process for an adult to go through – especially where it comes unexpectedly.

Being able to look after your own well being and equipping yourself to make important decisions can be too much for some adults to manage at times.

Trying to help children make sense of the change and their relationship with both parents is something many parents can struggle to manage. In the same way that clients need expert help to make the right decisions about financial matters, they can also need expert help to assist them in supporting their children during this transition.

When a couple start to look at how they will resolve issues relating to money, children and possessions, a sticking point in making arrangements can often be differing views about children.

The two parties may have different perceptions about how their child, or children, are coping with the separation.

They may feel that different arrangements would work best. They may even have fundamental differences about the way that they parent their children. In some cases these differences have been a contributing factor in the breakdown of the relationship.

Whatever the issues it’s important to remember that children experience the same relationship breakdown as their parents.

Children are half of each parent, and it hurts them when they hear their parents making rude comments to or about each other – or becoming angry with each other.

As Resolution members are aware, in recent studies (publicised as part of DR week) one of the greatest frustration of children and young people was not being heard during their parents’ separation – and not having what was happening explained to them.

A child psychologist can help parents to become more in tune with the needs of their children during this difficult time.

your Family Mediation Process This article explains how using the services of a child psychologist, along side parents attending mediation to find a resolution, can be most useful. This may, or may not, be coupled with parents seeing solicitors to obtain advice during the mediation process.

It can take time following a separation for parties to feel able to start thinking about what happens next.

It is not unusual for one party to feel they have come to terms with the relationship breakdown more quickly and to want to focus on the next steps, whilst the other party is still struggling to process what has happened.

It is important that both parties work at a pace that they can both work within.

A mediator will be mindful of this and incorporate this into the process and timetable. Parties can see a mediator as soon as they feel able to talk about the situation.

A mediator will usually start with an individual meeting with each party. In that meeting they will explain how mediation works and the different ways in which you can move forward. Assuming mediation is a suitable process, the parties can then move to having joint meetings – although they may leave a period of time before the first meeting, to enable them to either gather information together, or to feel more able to deal with the joint sessions.

Sometimes the parties are not able to make progress in mediation because they are overwhelmed by their emotions.

Una explains that the parties may feel scared or threatened. This does not mean that either party is threatening the other; just that they find the situation they are in threatening.

Having to contemplate more formal arrangements to parent their children, trying to ascertain whether the children will be safe to stay with their ex, feeling overwhelmed by the thought that this will adversely affect their children for life – any one of those concerns can seriously undermine their sense of security and trigger a “fight, flight or freeze” response.

This response initiates quick action for the best chance of survival in situations that are perceived as dangerous. It can vary in its strength. If the reaction is mild the client may look anxious, on the edge, or distant or withdrawn.

Here are a few suggestions that might help to defuse it within the mediation session:

  • Slow down
  • Repeat, or ask both parties to repeat what has just been said
  • Acknowledge what is happening: ‘This is a very sensitive issue and talking about it may be hard. We will go at the pace you are feel comfortable with’
  • Have a comfort break
  • Reduce the amount of documents on the desk

Here a few examples of a stronger ‘fight, flight or freeze’ response:

  • Experiencing strong immediate reactions where there is no space for dialogue or compromise
  • Refusing to deal with or acknowledge the situation such as ignoring phone calls, emails, or not being prepared to discuss issues in any way.
  • A person freezes and is unable to take in information or process issues and make decisions.

Where one or both parties experience this reaction, it can make it difficult for mediation to continue – or for there to be constructive dialogue about the issues.

A child psychologist can be helpful in assisting clients with resolving this reaction by:

  • Helping the party or parties to re-engage with their ability to regulate their emotions, reflect and examine the issue from different perspectives and be flexible, creative and empathetic.
  • Helping parents to understand what their children need to adjust to their particular situation. Narrowing the focus to just a few key areas can reduce the feeling of being overwhelmed and provide the parents with the comfort of knowing they can help their children.
  • Creating a clear action plan to enable parents to be more present with their children.

This, in turn, enables them to return to mediation and to make progress with shaping the resolution that they think will serve them, and their children, best going forwards.

your family mediation processA child psychologist can also work with parents in the later stages when they are looking to implement the plan that they have put together in mediation.

This might be once they have physically separated and moved into separate houses and are now sharing care of their children.

It can be a huge transition for all involved to live as two separate households and to implement a plan that was only theory when it was discussed in mediation.

A newly separated parent can feel exposed and uncertain in some areas of parenting.

There might be situations that an ex partner used to deal with that a parent now has to tackle themselves. Una has a more positive outlook on this as a chance to take stock of what is happening in their relationship with their child at that moment. Having the opportunity to invest time and energy into creating a really solid relationship with their child, that they are both happy with, can be a life defining journey that can enhance their bond forever.

A child psychologist can help parents to develop a clear understanding of what their child needs from them and how they can meet those needs. It can also assist parents in helping their child (or children) to:

  • Trust they can share their thoughts and feelings with their parents
  • Feel comfortable in their own skin – understood, accepted, important, safe and loved
  • Have lasting friendships
  • Enjoy and fully engage in their learning – whatever their interests are

This gives them confidence in their role as a parent – in a way that they may not have had during the marriage. How often do parents feel “I’m not good enough” or that “my child is asking for more than I can give”?

It also empowers parents to rewire patterns that may have existed in their family for generations.

Those patterns influence their unspoken agreements about how much affection, support, acceptance, space, and respect one can expect in a relationship.

By working with a child psychologist the party, or parties, can work out what relationship they, as a parent, will have with their child going forwards and how they can bring it to life and make it their everyday reality.

This enables families to move forward to a new chapter where they will be living separately but still working individually and together to make sure their children are happy, healthy and thriving.

About Una and Louisa

Una Archer MBPsS is a child psychologist helping divorcing parents to soften the impact of their separation on their children.

She works to help parents understand what they need to do so that their children feel just as loved, secure and comfortable in their own skin as they did before the separation – and sometimes even more so.

Louisa Whitney practised as a family law solicitor for approximately 10 years before also qualifying as a family mediator.

Three years ago she set up her own mediation practice in Surrey and now works as a family mediator full time.

She is passionate about helping separating couples find a resolution that’s tailor made to them and their family.  For more information about her mediation practice visitwww.lkwfamilymediation.co.uk

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Family Mediation – There is much more to it than Divorce and Separation

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Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford
Mediator and
Tribunal Judge

If you ask a passer-by what she or he thinks family mediation is about the chances are that that person will mention divorce, separation or disputes about child contact.

In one sense this is correct and it is certainly true that family mediators deal with these types of issues quite routinely.

However, one of the important constituent parts of the term “family mediation” is the word FAMILY.

Are you perhaps involved with one of the following types of dispute which arise more often that our hypothetical passerby might imagine? If so, would you like it to be resolved promptly and cost-effectively?

  • a case involving the parents of a child in local authority care who may be denied any contact;
  • a case involving a grandparent, aunt or uncle who is denied contact with a much loved grandchild, nephew or niece because the child’s parents have separated;
  • a dispute involving a family house sharing arrangement possibly where there is concern about a potentially vulnerable family member leaving home;
  • a case involving a dispute between siblings about a family will or the administration of a trust or estate;
  • an Inheritance Act claim where a close family member or a potentially deserving relative has been left out of a will and has taken the matter to court;
  • an acrimonious dispute affecting a family partnership or company that may ultimately affect its financial viability and the livelihoods of those who work in it;
  • a dispute between siblings or other family members about who cares for an elderly or infirm relative;
  • disagreements about funeral arrangements,
  • A dispute between parents and their child’s school.

If any of the above apply, then mediation may well be for you.

ABOUT PAUL

Paul Sandford (www.albertsquaremediation.co.uk ) is an accredited civil mediator and Tribunal Judge. He is also an associate of a Birmingham-based firm of solicitors, My Business Counsel.

He mediates for a leading UK charity and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training .

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

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Family Mediation, Collaborative or Litigation

Family Mediation, Collaborative or Litigation – Which Divorce Process is Best for You?

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Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

There are different ways to get divorced to fit individual needs and circumstances.

With family mediation, divorcing couples are required to have a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting or MIAMS to cut down on the cases going to court.

Mediation is particularly helpful for spouses who want to reach their own agreement without the help of divorce lawyers as well as keep the door open for a good relationship post-divorce.

Negotiating can be like a dialogue where husband and wife explain the rationale behind their requests, such as in dividing assets.

They are in control of their outcome with the mediator’s guidance. Although many mediators are also solicitors, they do not give legal advice to either party.

Family mediation can be completed in as few as three sessions and the cost is much lower than in collaborative or litigation process. People who are motivated to work together in discovering a mutually acceptable resolution do well with mediation. Each person can consult with their own solicitor between sessions before signing anything.

Some people who are divorcing difficult spouses may feel more comfortable having their own solicitor during proceedings, as in collaborative divorce.

They have their own personal advocate to guide them through negotiations and look out for their interests. While the collaborative solicitors represent their own clients, they work together as a team to ensure a fair settlement for each party.

We had a collaborative divorce and I still liked my husband’s solicitor when it was finalized. He even gave me ideas for financial help when his client refused to pay any university expenses for our sons. That would not be happening in litigation.

Collaborative divorce brings in experts as needed, such as a financial advisor. Collaborative costs more than mediation but is much less than litigation. Many high profile couples prefer the privacy that is part of the collaborative type of divorce.

There are times where litigation is the way to go.

This is particularly true in abuse cases where a spouse is not going to negotiate face to face with their tormentor.

I interviewed people who divorced spouses with personality disorders and they only felt safe in a court room. Leaving their fate to a judge was just fine for their situations. Hiring a barrister for court and the lengthy proceedings is the most expensive type of divorce.

The court is adversarial in nature and can become a battlefield. Friendlier divorces, such as the first two, make it easier to maintain ties with one’s ex.

Family Mediation, Collaborative or Litigation
Family Mediation, Collaborative or Litigation – Which Divorce Process is Best for You?

The First Directions Appointment (FDA) is the first meeting with spouses and solicitors before a judge who shows what the gaps are in the evidence presented. The time frame for future hearings is set, although they can be cancelled if compromises are reached.

When there are children, Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (Cafcass) may interview them and pertinent people to give a report to the judge.

When parents cannot agree, a judge can issue a Residence Order stating with which parent a child will reside, and the Contact Order is the amount of time that the non-resident parent can see them.

Midway through divorce the Decree Nisi is granted.  Spouses work with their solicitors or barristers to complete their financial arrangements in the Consent Order. Witnesses may be called for the Final Hearing where a judge makes a ruling. A decree Absolute is issued and this finalizes the divorce and both are free to get remarried.

For those without children who want a simple and cheap divorce, there are online companies that provide forms and guidance.

Do research to find reputable company who provides solicitors to go over completed forms to ensure all is in order and a clean break is done without any further financial ties.

Another form of DIY divorce is having a court clerk help one to complete necessary forms. Several did this and later met with a judge. Their spouses were amenable to this process, readily agreed to the splitting of assets and signing the forms.

Whatever type of divorce is done, there are aspects which are the same.

A divorce is granted for ‘’Irretrievable Breakdown’’ with one of the following grounds: Unreasonable behaviour (most common), adultery, two years of separation with both parties consenting to divorce, if they have lived apart for five years, or for desertion.

Both parties have to fill out Form E which is complete financial disclosure. After parents have worked out where the children’s primary residence will be and other issues then a Statement of Arrangements for Children is written.

With the different types of divorce, if a couple gets stuck on an issue they may be sent to a Family Arbitrator.

The arbitrator listens to both parties and has more flexibility than a judge would have in deciding an outcome. Their decision is binding. This speeds up court proceedings. Mediators and collaborative solicitors can send clients to arbitration to get an issue resolved more quickly when clients just cannot compromise. This gets the divorce process back on track.

There are resources available to help you during divorce such as divorce support groups, MeetUp.com, workshops and weekend retreats.

Churches are realizing that divorce is happening and are also having their own seminars. Divorced people gave me valuable recommendations and advice during my acrimonious one.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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family disputes and family mediation
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Family Mediation – Family Disputes are not so Much Between Right and Wrong as Right and Right

Published on
Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford
Mediator and
Tribunal Judge

Does anyone remember the film, Annie Hall?

In one scene, the screen divides into two showing Annie played by Diane Keaton and Alvie, the Woody Allen character discussing their relationship with their analysts.

Alvie’s analyst asks him, “how often do you have sex together?” He replies-“Hardly ever! I’d say three times a week”.

In response to a similar question from her analyst Annie replies-“Constantly! I’d say three times a week”.

This exchange is not untypical of the emotionally charged disagreements that surface when couples separate.

All too often, e.g. when they are discussing things between themselves or being advised by their lawyers and certainly, when they are in court, this sort of issue which may have underlying significance is either put to one side or is ignored completely.

It is all too often forgotten that disagreements such as Annie and Alvie’s can have a very significant bearing on a couple’s relationship and how they deal with their breakup.

The net effect could be that such issues as child contact are not properly resolved and months or even years down the line the parties find that they are still in conflict with one another.

Mediators are not surrogate therapists or counsellors but in the course of the private, confidential sessions that they facilitate, issues such as those identified by Annie and Alvie can be given proper acknowledgement and if appropriate can be discussed.

Consideration of such issues might result in an acknowledgment by one or both parties which could in turn help them to draw a line and move on.

About Paul

Paul Sandford ( http://www.albertsquaremediation.co.uk/ ) is an accredited civil mediator and Tribunal Judge. He is also an associate of a Birmingham-based firm of solicitors, My Business Counsel.

He mediates for a leading UK charity and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training .

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

 

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Family Mediation
/

Divorce and Family Mediation

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Family Mediation

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