Family Law in Partnership - Page 2

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Partnership of equals.

Marriage: A Partnership of Equals?

Melanie Pilmer
Solicitor
Greene & Greene Solicitors

In 2006 the House of Lords introduced the equal sharing principle in the joint appeal of Miller -v- Miller; MacFarlane -v- MacFarlane. The Court described marriage as being a “partnership of equals”.

The consequence of this has been that the sharing principle has been applied by the Court to the division of matrimonial assets in a divorce.

Earlier this year, the Court of Appeal in the case of Work -v- Gray, referred to the sharing principle being “firmly embedded” and that the “ordinary consequence of its application will be the equal division of matrimonial property”.

However, in the recent case of Sharp -v- Sharp the Court of Appeal have decided that perhaps this is taking the sharing principle too far.

Mr and Mrs Sharp were in their early 40s and had no children. Their relationship, including 18 months of living together before the marriage, lasted 6 years.

Mrs Sharp sought to argue that the sharing principle should be relaxed so as not to provide for equal sharing of matrimonial assets because she and Mr Sharp had a short childless dual career marriage and because of the way in which they had organised their financial affairs.

Mr and Mrs Sharp had throughout their relationship and marriage divided restaurant bills equally between them. They had shared household utility bills. Mr Sharp had not been aware of details of bonuses received by Mrs Sharp and Mrs Sharp had gifted him three cars.

The Court of Appeal agreed with Mrs Sharp that this situation fell within the very small amount of cases where it was appropriate for the equal sharing principle not to apply to matrimonial assets.

This may seem surprising because whilst the Court has always had the ability to exclude or depart from equal sharing of non-matrimonial assets, such as those owned by one party before the marriage or received by inheritance or gift, the general approach has been that matrimonial assets would be shared and where there was sufficient to meet each parties needs those matrimonial assets would be shared equally.

It appears that the outcome of this case is that Court will in the future look more closely at how couples have organised their financial affairs in short to medium term marriages.

In a limited number of cases therefore the way in which couples organised their finances may influence the outcome of financial aspects of their divorce.

To misquote George Orwell this may lead to an assumption that all marriages are equal, but some marriages are more equal than others.

For further advice following a relationship breakdown please contact Melanie Pilmer, solicitor in the Family Team at Greene & Greene on 01284 717 418 or melaniepilmer@greene-greene.com 

ABOUT MELANIE

Melanie, a solicitor with Greene & Greene Solicitors, advises in relation to a full range of family matters including divorce and associated financial matters, cohabitation disputes, children matters and Pre-Nuptial Agreements.

She is a collaboratively trained lawyer and member of Resolution – First for Family Law. She has significant experience in relation to resolving complex financial disputes often involving business assets and a considerable amount of my practice consists of negotiating and preparing Nuptial Agreements.

Melaniepilmer@greene-greene.com

Linkedin.com – Melanie Pilmer

Marriage or Civil Partnership

Marriage or Civil Partnership? What’s the Difference?

Katie McCann
Katie McCann
Head of Family Law and in-house counsel at Kuits Solicitors

Head of Family at Kuits, Katie McCann, comments on the recent news that a heterosexual couple have lost their Court of Appeal battle to enter into a civil partnership.

This week, Rebecca Steinfeld and Charles Keidan lost their battle to legalise civil partnerships for heterosexual couples in the Court of Appeal.

The couple challenged a previous High Court ruling that was made last year, stating that they could not have a civil partnership because The Civil Partnership Act 2004 demands that they be of the same sex, which they argued was discriminatory.

Many people have since asked me why this couple would bother – if they have the option of just getting married, why would they enter into a stressful and costly litigation situation?

Let’s lift the bonnet on this for a moment. What are the real differences between marriage and civil partnerships?

Well, in a civil partnership, you cannot say you are ‘married’ – no actual ceremony needs to take place (save the signing of a formal document, although most couples do add some ceremonial aspect to their day); there can be no religion involved; and, interestingly, the certificate includes the names of both partner’s parents (instead of just fathers, like on marriage certificates).

Furthermore, adultery cannot be used as a ground for a dissolution (its dissolution in a civil partnership not divorce).

However, when it comes to how finances are dealt with and the law that surrounds that, then the provisions are almost identical to those when dealing with a financial application upon divorce.

Civil partnerships were initially brought about to give same-sex couples the option of legalising their relationship along the lines of marriage, before the law allowed them to marry.

As such, some argue that civil partnerships are just a hangover from the time before lawmakers felt comfortable enough to take the final step to true equality by making marriage available to all – a half-way house before real equality was achieved.

Arguing to allow access to civil partnerships to heterosexual couples is seen by those of this view to be flipping back in time.

On the other hand, there is a case to be heard that the couple’s human rights are being potentially being interfered with, as same-sex couples now have more options than heterosexual couples, which doesn’t exactly lend itself to equality.

In my opinion, the government really should be thinking about cleaning up the legislative landscape. They might, for example, decide to get rid of civil partnerships all together, or make them available to all.

If you would like to discuss any of the issues raised in this article, please call our Family team on 0161 832 3434.

About Katie

Katie McCann is head of family law and in-house counsel at Kuits Solicitors in Manchester City Centre. She has a special interest in resolving high value relationship breakdown disputes.

Isle of Man Heterosexual Civil Partnerships not Recognised by UK Law

Kerry Smith
Kerry Smith
Head of Family Law
at K J Smith

The Isle of Man has become the only place in the British Isles to allow heterosexual couples to enter into civil partnerships.

However, the situation is not entirely a straightforward one, with the UK saying that it will refuse to recognise civil partnerships registered between opposite-sex partners on the Isle of Man.

Since marriage was legalised for same-sex couples, the UK has been left with a situation where same-sex partners can enter into either a marriage or a civil partnership while opposite-sex couples can only enter into a marriage.

To some, this situation has made sense, as civil partnerships were originally conceived as a way to give homosexual couples the rights of marriage at a time when they still could not enter into a “full” marriage.

However, some heterosexual couples have expressed a wish to enter into a legally-recognised partnership without the cultural baggage of a marriage, and others have perceived an imbalance in the current system.

As such, there have been some calls to allow civil partnerships for opposite-sex partners. So far, however, the Isle of Man (which is not part of the UK) is the only part of the British Isles to recognise such partnerships.

The Isle of Man first started allowing opposite-sex civil partnerships this summer.

On 22nd July, the island implemented the Marriage and Civil Partnership Act 2016, which allowed same-sex couples to marry on the island as they can in the UK and also enabled heterosexual couples to enter into civil partnerships.

It was expected that this would place the rest of the country under pressure to follow suit, such as LGBT rights advocate Peter Tatchell who said that people would “wonder if the Isle of Man can have equal civil partnerships for opposite sex couples why not England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Island.”

Tatchell also said that, if heterosexual couples travelled to the Isle of Man in order to enter into such a partnership, this would place the UK in a position of having to decide whether those partnerships would be legally recognised.

The Isle of Man officials said at the time that they expected opposite-sex civil partnerships registered on the island to be recognised throughout the country in the same way as traditional marriages.

The UK, however, has since reached a decision that it does not intend to recognise these unions.

In October, the question was raised in earnest when a London couple, consisting of opposite-sex partners, did indeed travel to the Isle of Man specifically to enter into a civil partnership.

In a statement to parliament intended to resolve the matter, Caroline Dinenage, Equalities Minister, reiterated that “The 2004 Civil Partnership Act created civil partnerships for same sex couples only.”

She went on to say: “As opposite sex couples cannot lawfully register a civil partnership here, the Act provides that couples registering a relationship overseas are not to be treated as having formed a civil partnership if, at the time the relationship was formed, they were not of the same sex.”

About Kerry

Kerry Smith is the head of family law at K J Smith Solicitors, a specialist family law firm who deal with a wide range of issues including divorce, domestic violence, civil partnerships and prenuptial agreements.

How to get full custody of child
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Family Mediation for Cohabiting Couples

Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford
Mediator and
Tribunal Judge

It is quite apparent that marriage is on the decline. Many couples simply cohabit instead. Increasing numbers of people need help and advice in connection with cohabitation disputes rather than marriage disputes.

What many cohabiting couples do not realise is that cohabitation does not create a legal, binding relationship in the same way that marriage does.

Even in the modern age of human rights, when divorce reform is meant to be on the agenda and civil partnerships have been introduced, cohabiting couples still do not have the same level of protection that is enjoyed by their married counterparts-there is no such thing as “a common law marriage!”.

Some people may have had the foresight to enter into a cohabitation agreement. Others will have economic independence and will be able to weather any results and financial storms.

However, most people are not in such favourable positions.

One very good option for disputing cohabiting couples is to go to mediation – In practice mediation gives the parties the flexibility to reach a mutually binding an acceptable agreement that could not otherwise be achieved – not only will they save a lot of money by going to mediation but they could achieve a great deal more.

About Paul

Paul Sandford is an accredited civil mediator,  family mediator and Tribunal Judge

He mediates for a leading UK charity, has been appointed a governor/mediator at a London Secondary School and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training and is working towards becoming an accredited family mediator.

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

Divorce and the Farming Family

Divorce and the Farming Family

Melanie Pilmer Solicitor Greene & Greene Solicitors
Melanie Pilmer
Solicitor
Greene & Greene Solicitors

The damaging effects of divorce are often felt more acutely in cases involving farming families: especially so where the farm has been held within one family for generations.

Often farming businesses will involve Partnership or Corporate Structures, land may be co-owned with extended family, land ownership may be within or outside of business structures and various land or property assets may also be held in Trust. These can all complicate matters.

Typical questions that arise are:

  • How can the assets be divided fairly where a farm has been passed dynastically to one spouse through the generations?
  • What weight will the court apply to the financial and non-financial contributions of the non-owning spouse?
  • Will the court force a sale or transfer of land and property?

The court’s approach can be unlike other cases and present unique challenges.

The court is tasked with arriving at a fair outcome and must meet the parties’ (and any dependent children’s) reasonable needs. In doing so the court will consider whether the farming family intended that the farm should be passed down through the generations.

The court will have to consider whether the farming family can and should retain the farm (in so as far as that is possible) even if that means an overall unequal division of assets. Numerous other factors including the standard of living enjoyed by the parties during the marriage can also be taken into account.

Funding a settlement may require finance to be raised against the retained farm. Land may need to be sold in order to retain the majority of the farm to pass on to future generations.

Many farming businesses experience cash flow and liquidity issues which can make it difficult (or impossible) for income generated from the farm to satisfactorily meet the needs of two separate households following separation.

Divorces involving family farms are often complex and it is important that if you find yourself in this position you seek the assistance of a lawyer experienced in this area.

About Melanie

Melanie, a solicitor with Greene & Greene Solicitors, advises in relation to a full range of family matters including divorce and associated financial matters, cohabitation disputes, children matters and Pre-Nuptial Agreements.

She is a collaboratively trained lawyer and member of Resolution – First for Family Law. She has significant experience in relation to resolving complex financial disputes often involving business assets and a considerable amount of my practice consists of negotiating and preparing Nuptial Agreements.

Melaniepilmer@greene-greene.com

Linkedin.com – Melanie Pilmer

(Editorial first published in Rural Review, September 2016)

 

 

Same Sex Marriage vs Civil Partnership

Same Sex Marriage vs Civil Partnership Registrations – What has Changed?

Kerry Smith
Kerry Smith
Head of Family Law
at K J Smith

Marriage became legal for same-sex couples in March 2014, but civil partnerships, generally seen as a substitute for marriage, remained an option as well.

Recent figures from the Office for National Statistics have shown exactly what the effect of same-sex marriage has been on the number of couples opting for civil partnerships.

Registrations for civil partnerships were cut almost in half following the legalisation of same-sex marriage. There were 1,683 such registrations in 2014, the year same sex marriages were introduced, but only 861 in 2015, a drop of 49%.

Compared to 2013, before same sex marriages had become legal in the UK, the difference is even more pronounced. Since then, the number of registrations for civil partnerships is down by 85%.

Interestingly, there have also been changes to the kinds of people who are registering for civil partnerships over the same time period.

For example, there has been a shift towards older people choosing to register for civil partnerships since marriage became an option for same-sex couples.

In 2013 the average age of a man entering a civil partnership was 40.8, and for a woman it was 37.9. In 2015, these figures had risen to 48.5 for men and 49.1 for women. While in 2013 just 19% of those entering civil partnerships were aged 50 or above, in 2015 couples over 50 accounted for 48% of new civil partnerships.

Men seem to have a greater tendency than women to continue to choose civil partnerships over marriage.

2015 saw the highest proportion of male civil partnerships since the year of their introduction in 2005.

Initially, men were more prevalent in the formation of civil partnerships but the split between men and women later evened out to fluctuate each side of the 50/50 mark. In 2015, however, men became decidedly the larger group of new civil partners and accounted for two thirds of all civil partnerships formed.

Women, on the other hand, more readily took up the opportunity to marry same-sex partners. Between the introduction of same-sex marriage in March 2014 and June of the following year, female couples accounted for the majority of marriages between partners of the same sex.

As civil partnerships are often seen as a substitute for marriage aimed at same sex couples, many have questioned whether this kind of union has a future now that such couples are able to simply get married.

Couples who were already in civil partnerships have the right to convert their existing legal union into a marriage, and many have chosen to do so. Furthermore, the data shows that couples are largely and increasingly choosing marriage over a civil partnership now they have the option, and there is little expectation that this trend will do anything but continue.

There are, however, opposite-sex couples campaigning for civil partnerships to be opened up to them, as currently these kinds of unions are only open to same-sex couples.

Some opposite-sex partner’s feel for various reasons, such as objections to the cultural and ideological baggage associated with marriage, that they would like access to an alternative that is more along the lines of civil partnerships.

If civil partnerships do continue to exist in years to come, this may be the purpose that they serve.

About Kerry

Kerry Smith is the head of family law at K J Smith Solicitors, a specialist family law firm who deal with a wide range of issues including divorce, domestic violence, civil partnerships and prenuptial agreements.

Family Mediation – There is much more to it than Divorce and Separation

Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford
Mediator and
Tribunal Judge

If you ask a passer-by what she or he thinks family mediation is about the chances are that that person will mention divorce, separation or disputes about child contact.

In one sense this is correct and it is certainly true that family mediators deal with these types of issues quite routinely.

However, one of the important constituent parts of the term “family mediation” is the word FAMILY.

Are you perhaps involved with one of the following types of dispute which arise more often that our hypothetical passerby might imagine? If so, would you like it to be resolved promptly and cost-effectively?

  • a case involving the parents of a child in local authority care who may be denied any contact;
  • a case involving a grandparent, aunt or uncle who is denied contact with a much loved grandchild, nephew or niece because the child’s parents have separated;
  • a dispute involving a family house sharing arrangement possibly where there is concern about a potentially vulnerable family member leaving home;
  • a case involving a dispute between siblings about a family will or the administration of a trust or estate;
  • an Inheritance Act claim where a close family member or a potentially deserving relative has been left out of a will and has taken the matter to court;
  • an acrimonious dispute affecting a family partnership or company that may ultimately affect its financial viability and the livelihoods of those who work in it;
  • a dispute between siblings or other family members about who cares for an elderly or infirm relative;
  • disagreements about funeral arrangements,
  • A dispute between parents and their child’s school.

If any of the above apply, then mediation may well be for you.

ABOUT PAUL

Paul Sandford (www.albertsquaremediation.co.uk ) is an accredited civil mediator and Tribunal Judge. He is also an associate of a Birmingham-based firm of solicitors, My Business Counsel.

He mediates for a leading UK charity and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training .

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

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What is the Role of the Family Mediator in Dealing with Indifference?

Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford – Civil Mediator and Tribunal Judge

“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.”

This very insightful sentence, written by the renowned philosopher and academic, Elie Wiesel, essentially explains why so many partnerships and marriages flounder or fail.

In some instances, the split that is announced to friends comes as a surprise.  Neither they nor even the parties to the relationship themselves ever saw this coming.

After all the friends say, “neither of them of them was unfaithful and there was never any suggestion of abuse or nastiness”.

Some of these indifferent couples may get counselling or guidance but others may simply decide that enough is enough and take steps to formally terminate their relationship.

Some may end up in a room with a family mediator giving financial disclosure and discussing what arrangements should be made for their children. It may be that instead of one or either of the parties making what some would see as explicit or unrealistic demands, the mediator is confronted by a party who cannot be bothered.

An example of this would be one party not maintaining adequate levels of contact with the children of the relationship even where there is no objection to him or her doing so.

Family mediation is a voluntary as well as a flexible, confidential process that allows for the possibility of reconciliation.

In the course of separation one of the parties to a relationship, or indeed both, could decide to try and salvage the relationship. If they are in mediation their mediator will explain to them that they can either withdraw completely or else suspend the process for a fixed or even an indeterminate period. This might give them time to consider their options, possibly to try to regain what they once had and to  begin to build up trust in one another.

In these circumstances, is there a role for the mediator particularly as he or she must not adopt the mantle of counsellor or therapist?

 Role of the Family Mediator in Dealing with IndifferenceThe couple who are thinking of reconciling may either not go back to living with one another straightaway or have not yet reached the point that they feel able to discuss matters without some external input. If they decide to retain separate households, even in the short term, there may still be financial matters such as maintenance and child related issues such as contact to be resolved.

It might be that the initial split was caused by a couple’s disagreement about the best way to discipline and care for their children and they might benefit from the drawing up of a parenting plan.

Alternatively they may conceivably be in dispute about the running of a family business or the status of an extension built to accommodate a relative. One of the parties to the relationship may be in dire financial difficulty and irrespective of any wish to try and reconcile, may consider it necessary to take steps in order to protect him/herself and their children. Moreover, a couple’s therapist or counsellor may have advised that progress cannot be made until some legal issues are resolved and it well may be that skilful and timely input from a mediator saves the day.

In such cases, the family mediator has a vital role to play. He or she will very possibly change emphasis and no longer specifically use terms such as “divorce” or “clean break,” but the process of a mediator helping to facilitate an agreement may still be required.

What if it really is too late for a reconciliation and one or both parties simply decides that there is no point in considering reconciliation and opt to forge ahead?

In such circumstances, if the parties decide that that is what they want, the mediator may simply carry on with “plan A” and in the fullness of time a mutually acceptable settlement may be reached.

In the face of indifference from one or both parties part of the role of the family mediator is to accentuate the positives so as to help them to communicate better. In so doing the mediator will be able to help a couple to foster an improved level of trust that will enable them to reach an agreement and to behave towards each other in a more civilised manner.

Without this input which family mediators routinely provide and which helps disputing parties to overcome indifference in addition to  enmity or dislike, any negotiations or discussions may fail. If so there may be less likelihood of a divorced or separated couple communicating effectively with one another, perhaps for years to come.

About the Author

Paul Sandford ( http://www.albertsquaremediation.co.uk/ ) is an accredited civil mediator and Tribunal Judge. He is also an associate of a Birmingham-based firm of solicitors, My Business Counsel.

He mediates for a leading UK charity and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training .

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

FRIEND OR FOE

Family Arbitration – Friend or foe

Suzy Miller www.thedivorcemagazine.co.ukSo are family law solicitors going to support the education of their clients with regard to accessing Arbitration – or are they going to effectively hinder the process?

Arbitrator Olive McCarthy believes that a setback to the scheme is that unfortunately other family solicitors have yet to embrace the revolutionary process and its benefits. “Arbitrators believe this maybe through a fear on the part of solicitors that they will lose out by referring to Arbitration.

However, clients need representation and advice in the process.

Another fear they may have is that if an award favours one client, the other client may complain about the choice of Arbitrator if their solicitor nominated the Arbitrator. However, The Institute for Family Law Arbitrators (IFLA) can nominate an Arbitrator instead.”

Olive thinks that solicitors may be unsure as to what happens in the process and do not want to look inexperienced in front of their clients. She reassures them: “It’s similar to a First Appointment in financial remedy proceedings but can be adapted so as to suit the circumstances of the case. Nothing to fear!” 

David Hodson OBE, Partner at The International Family Law Group LLP, was the originator and one of the creators of the English family arbitration scheme, and one of the first trained.

He says: “It took 10 years for family arbitration to go from a good idea through to possibility then to reality but it has arrived at just the right time.

family arbitration friend or foe
Family Arbitration – Friend or Foe

With the dramatic cutback in legal aid, ever increasing legal costs, real delays in having cases heard in court and with many people wanting a more flexible and adaptable system for resolving disputes, this is really a good time and opportunity to use family arbitration. Many have already done so and have felt it has been a beneficial experience and outcome. It should be considered by many people and their lawyers.”

James Pirrie of Family Law In Partnership is a staunch supporter of Arbitration and is frustrated by the lack of support from other divorce professionals:

“My experience is that we try much harder as arbitrators and work with fine scalpels instead of the meat cleavers that are more often in evidence at court just because of the pressures of the court list.

I find it infuriating that the resistance to stepping into arbitration so often comes from the divorce professionals.

In their daily lives, those professionals struggle within the court system to deliver principled, efficient, careful and affordable outcomes to their clients but they don’t take the step over the threshold into arbitration which is the system that would enable those goals to be delivered so much more easily.” James Pirrie, Solicitor, collaborative lawyer, arbitrator, mediator & Board member Resolution

I think it will be interesting to see how many Family Law Solicitors in the UK will recommend Financial Arbitration as a good option for those couples who are struggling to come to an agreement on a financial or legal issue.

As is the case with Mediation and Collaborative Law, I feel strongly that it is the general public who need to be more aware of the options open to them, and not wait for the legal profession as a whole to embrace another great tool in the toolbox of a non-adversarial divorce or separation.

The benefits are summed up clearly and in plain-English here by Mediator and Arbitrator Nadia Beckett of Beckett LLP in this short video, and even to a non-legal person, the benefits do seem to be overwhelmingly clear:

For more information regarding Family Arbitration, refer to the IFLA website: ifla.org.uk.

 

By Suzy Miller creator of the Alternative Divorce Guide and the Living Together Agreement

The Most Common (and Costly) Mistakes People Make During Divorce

James Pirrie
James Pirrie
Director at
Family Law in Partnership

After more than four decades working with separating families, I have learnt that while every relationship is unique, the mistakes people make during divorce are often strikingly similar.

Time and again, I see good people lose time, money and emotional energy by approaching separation in ways that unintentionally make matters worse. Some delay getting advice. Others become trapped in conflict, guilt or the pursuit of “fairness” at any cost. The good news is that most of these pitfalls are avoidable.

Whether your separation is relatively amicable or highly complex, understanding the common mistakes people make during divorce proceedings can help you protect your finances, preserve your wellbeing and move more quickly towards a workable future.

These are some of the issues I encourage people to address:

  1. Not getting started

Not every falling out leads to separation but problems left unresolved often become more complicated over time.

When you know the relationship cannot return to where it was, getting advice early can help you move forward with more clarity and confidence.

  1. Overlooking “safety first”

In some situations, separation follows a relationship affected by power imbalance, coercion or control. That does not always mean the first step is seeking injunctions, which can increase tension and costs and may only be necessary in a minority of situations.

It does mean taking time to consider how you can protect your wellbeing and approach discussions from the strongest possible position.

If you need help to leave safely, there are amazing organisations that can help you manage a safe exit.  Everything follows from this.

  1. Forgetting that there are only so many ways forward

In most situations, there are only a small number of possible outcomes:

  • You reach an agreement together
  • Things remain unresolved
  • An outcome is imposed through a legal process.

If an outcome is imposed, it is likely to reflect the legal framework rather than either person’s sense of fairness or preference.

  1. Falling back on personal morality when the law is involved

Whether acting as a representative, mediator, arbitrator or within the one lawyer process, I often hear people express their position in terms of what feels fair or unfair.

Those feelings are understandable. But once the law becomes part of the solution, the focus changes.

The questions usually become:

  • What are the facts?
  • What are the relevant legal principles?
  • Applying those principles to the facts, what range of outcomes is likely?
  • What solution can realistically be achieved within that range?
  1. Rolling over too quickly

Seeking resolution does not mean giving up too much simply to bring matters to an end.

Many people agree to arrangements they believe are unfair, simply to achieve a quick conclusion, later regret doing so.

It is important to understand your position, hold onto the points that matter most, and work towards a solution that feels balanced and sustainable. Compromise is often necessary, but it should support a workable outcome rather than create future problems.

  1. Struggling to find the right process

Choosing the right process, with the right support, can make a significant difference to both the experience and the outcome.

You do not need to understand every process option at the outset. Your role is to:

  1. Find a professional you trust
    B. Be clear about the challenges, concerns and priorities for both you and your ex-partner.

A good adviser will help you explore the available options, whether that involves Mediation, Collaborative Law, Arbitration, Negotiation, Litigation.

They should also be able to connect you with other professionals, including financial specialists and counsellors, where appropriate. Their role is to help guide you towards the process most likely to support a constructive outcome.

  1. Seeking to dominate at all costs

In mediation, the most productive conversations often happen when people focus first on listening and understanding.

The barriers to agreement are often found within what the other person is trying to communicate. When both people approach discussions with openness and curiosity, progress is usually faster and more constructive.

Often, it is only by properly understanding another perspective that a workable solution can emerge.

  1. Forgetting that most situations have a solution

People often ask how long resolution will take. The honest answer is that it varies widely. Some matters can be resolved quickly, while others take years.

Over time, unresolved issues can become more complicated and emotionally draining. But with goodwill and the right support, many families can reach solutions that work well enough for everyone involved.

  1. Becoming stuck in anger, guilt or frustration

Many people find that emotional support is one of the most valuable parts of the process. Having space to process feelings can make it easier to stay focused on practical decisions and long-term outcomes.

At Family Law in Partnership we will usually encourage people to access therapeutic or counselling support, in particular through our BACP regulated colleagues.

  1. Waiting too long to get help

It is understandable to hesitate before involving professionals. Legal and therapeutic support can feel costly, both financially and emotionally.

Often trying to resolve everything alone can exhaust the goodwill that still exists between you. Early guidance often helps people move more quickly towards constructive solutions and avoid becoming stuck or drifting further apart in their positions.

Even where couples later continue discussions independently, having the right structure and support at the outset can make the process more productive and less draining.

  1. Losing sight of what matters most

If there is one area where common ground can often be found, it is in wanting the best for your children.

Keeping children’s wellbeing at the centre of discussions can help shift the focus away from conflict and towards practical, constructive solutions. In some situations, Child-Inclusive Mediation can help ensure children’s voices are heard appropriately and sensitively.

Prioritising what children need most often creates the strongest foundation for making decisions together about the future.


The aim is not to achieve a “perfect” outcome. It is to reach a solution that is fair, workable and allows everyone involved to move forward with stability and dignity.

Whether you are at the very beginning of separation, struggling to move discussions forward, or facing a particularly complex situation, Family Law in Partnership can help you understand your options and choose the process that best supports you and your family.


Read more articles by James Pirrie.

Read more articles by Family Law in Partnership.

About James Pirrie

James Pirrie is a Director of Family Law in Partnership, a highly regarded law firm based in London, which specialises in de-escalating conflict in family law.  He is an Arbitrator, Family Solicitor and Mediator accredited in child-inclusive mediation.

James is driven to improve long term outcomes for families who are experiencing separation or divorce.  He is credited with introducing collaborative law to the UK and with changing how children’s needs are addressed during family breakdown through the Parenting after Parting initiative.

Finding Calm Amid Separation: A Guide to Self-Care
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Finding Calm Amid Separation: A Guide to Self-Care

 

Jo Harrison
Jo Harrison Divorce Consultant and Relationship Therapist Family Law in Partnership

American naturalist and writer Hal Borland said, “No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn,” a phrase that is often used
to give hope to people going through something difficult. I know from my experience of working with people who are going through a separation, that it can feel like it really is going on forever, and it can be hard to hold onto the hope of something changing – particularly when people are going through litigation or there is high conflict.

How can you support yourself through this difficult period?

This is often a process that can take a long time and have complex developments both in the practical and physical aspects of your life as well as emotionally and psychologically. These are some of the key aspects I encourage people to think about to support their own care as they go through the process of separating…

1. Prioritise What Matters Most

This is a time of life when you may need to prioritise what is important to you in order to preserve emotional energy and resources. This might mean saying no to things, or being careful about the things you do in order to choose things that feel nurturing or positive to your wellbeing, or to not choose things that you know are going to make you feel drained or worse.

 

2. Set Boundaries Around Communication

Depending on the quality of relationship with your ex, it may be that when you communicate with each other it makes you feel bad or upset or it drains you. It may be that you need to communicate about certain things for example arrangements about the children. It is also possible to set boundaries for yourself around if you feel there are ways you can support yourself. For example, not reading or exchanging emails late at night when this might affect your sleep, or trying to multi task childcare and difficult conversations. Some people even set up separate email accounts so that they can be intentional about the time they read messages from their ex. If it’s possible, try to agree with each other a time that you will check in with each other to catch up regularly rather than drip feed information. (This can work really well for parents to have a time each week where they know they are going to be able to talk about things that need talking about).


3. Pick Your Battles

This may be a more challenging one, but take a moment to reflect whether there is a part of you that gets drawn into difficult communications with your ex. Are you able to pick your battles, or step back from some issues that are not as important as others? This will save your energy and allow you a bit of distance rather than keep taking you back into unhealthy dynamics.


4. Allow Yourself Time to Reflect

It is ok to be sad and to cry. Self-care is not about having a smiley face on all the time. It’s about allowing yourself space to grieve what you have lost, and allowing yourself space to try to understand what has happened.


5. Build a Support System

All of this can be supported by making sure you have a good support system. That does not just mean friends and family. It might mean booking an appointment with the GP to talk about how you are not sleeping. It might mean considering therapy to have a space to be supported with all that you are feeling. It might mean making sure you get the support of all the positive aspects of nature by making sure you have a walk each day, or the good feelings you get from exercise. Take a step back and think about what aspects of life and which people help you to feel better and supported.


6. Recognise When You Need a Break

One of the lawyers at FLiP often reminds people that having a duvet day when you just do not feel like dealing with the legal stuff is totally understandable. All she asks is that it is communicated so that you can think together about how to do what is required. This kind of dynamic thinking about what needs doing on the legal side of things can often get lost or people can feel that they are not allowed to have these kinds of conversations with their lawyers. It is really important that there is an open channel of communication about how you are feeling about doing what you need to do.

7. Reconnect with Your Identity


It’s also important to remember aspects of your identity that are not connected to you getting divorced, since it can feel so overwhelming. Make sure you make time for yourself where you are not focussed on something divorce related. Some people find it a good time to take up a new activity or hobby where they can enjoy new aspects of themselves rather than feeling focussed on all that has happened with their relationship. This may be something to work towards in time as often people can feel too overwhelmed to take on something new. Look at my thoughts on reclaiming your identity after separation here.

8. Be Kind to Yourself During the Holidays


We know that with Christmas around the corner, there are added loads on people’s shoulders, perhaps for some combined with the pressure of feeling you need to make Christmas extra special for the children now that you are separated. Be kind to yourself and do the stuff that makes you feel good and that feels doable, rather than taking on too much and feeling burned out.

Most of all, be compassionate to yourself. We know that divorce is a stressful and emotional time. Listening to yourself and what you need is important and may keep you afloat during this time of navigation.

Read more articles from Jo Harrison

About Jo Harrison

Jo is a Divorce Consultant and Relationship Therapist with Family Law in Partnership. She is very experienced in working with individuals and couples who are separating.  A former family lawyer, Jo has a depth of experience and understands the legal process, which many if her clients find helpful.

If you would like to enquire about support individually in relation to preparing for a divorce or separation, please contact the FLiP relationship support team at E: therapists@flip.co.uk 

Our Relationship is Over: What Do I Do Now?
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Our Relationship is Over: What Do I Do Now?

James Pirrie
James Pirrie
Director at
Family Law in Partnership

Let’s not sugar coat it, this question “what do I do now?” (at the moment you know you will separate) is the single most important question you will answer in this whole chapter of your life. There will be a lot of other questions that you will be coming to, but get this one right and you should be able to avoid the unreasonable positioning and exhausting demands of a slow process that will cost eye-watering amounts, to achieve to your best possible outcome.  

Here are my ten top tips from helping clients through this part of their lives for the past forty-something years.

1. Ensure you are safe 

Ensure your safety and the safety of your children.  If there is a risk to this then it will dictate how you address the rest of these tips.

Safety at the end of a relationship is a whole topic on its own and planning for it will depend on your situation.  In controlling relationships, it is likely that a whole range of strategies will have been put in place around you by your prospective ex, with the intention of making it impossible for you to go.  The single most important thing is to reach the realisation that yes you are going to leave – it is then about getting the support to manage your way out of the maze. If you need help to leave safely, there are amazing organisations that can help you manage a safe exit.  Everything follows from this.

2. Manage your emergencies

In the same way, some separations have emergencies – personal safety is the most important.  Others can include:

  • jurisdictional races (where one of you could start proceedings in a different country, you may need to act quickly to ensure your divorce takes place where your needs and those of the children will be met favourably)
  • a child being taken abroad to separate them from you (child abduction)
  • information or assets being hidden or disposed of 
  • your being isolated from funds.

Some of these you can address in part – or at least make easier – but many of them are going to require immediate professional help, probably from a solicitor.

The rest of the “to-dos” are subject to emergencies – sometimes you won’t have time to plan your best path, you will feel bounced around by circumstance. Just carry on trying your best, accepting where you are and planning from there. 

3. Consider couple counselling

If there are no safety concerns, this is a consideration that you should not skate past. I have worked for too many people who have said their ex has come back to them some years down the road saying “I got it wrong – I don’t know what I was thinking- is there a way back for us?”. For me that points to a missed opportunity for some serious conversation around what was not working in the relationship and each person’s capacity for change. Of course, the result may still be that you decide to separate, but talking things through a counsellor is also likely to reassure and make for better progress if you do decide to part. 

4. Be kind if you can

So often, perhaps when people come to me midway through, they seem to be in a terrible situation, which they are finding hard to understand. There might be brutality around disclosure or how the finances are being managed for the interim or how arrangements are being set around the children. It is all a bit destructive and aimless, which is a surprise as they’re decent people. So, what went wrong?  Well usually it is about how things started.  

Actions like deception and adultery matter (see my blog here on this very point) – perhaps not to the professionals who know the courts don’t care, but they really matter to the person being deceived and to their kids when they find out.  Brutal and sharp separations are like throwing a huge slab of concrete into a small pond – the splash and ripples are going to play havoc for a while and in unexpected ways.  Stepping out slowly and gently with empathy respect and understanding, can help everyone get through to the smart choices more quickly.

5. Start early

It follows that planning and starting early is usually a positive too, you can pace things more calmly. You don’t find yourself suddenly desperate that it all has to be sorted by the weekend. (That “I have just had it up to here” moment). It also means that you are less likely to be bounced into the “well I am leaving you” discussion at the worst of times in the heat of an argument.  These things are going to be tough and thinking about how to do it in the best way, in the calm, will pay dividends.

6. Get support

All of that is going to point towards you getting individual support.  So many  people say “I don’t need that fluffy stuff …” or “we are not getting back together”. But that is not what this is about. It is about understanding where your ex is and what they are going through. It is about helping you to think of this from their side to be able to move things on in the best way possible. It is tough.  It is practical. It is also short term and goal-oriented.

Find the right support and you will be challenged to do this well, but also supported to do so.  That’s why I recommend that you get professional support – not just support from your mates or family:

This is the other response to my recommendation of professional expertise is “well I am talking to my friends.” The problem with relying solely on friends and family is that:

  • They care too much and as such, are likely to operate like an echo chamber for you: they want to be supportive and are likely to tell you what they think you want to hear – which is not always what you need to hear
  • They may bring their own unresolved personal issues to the conversation and that is not helpful 
  • They don’t have the training to help you process everything in a constructive way 
  • Their advice is likely to be on the hoof, quick answers without the depth of consideration that is really needed
  • You may find yourself managing your choices to keep them satisfied.

Without meaning to cast aspersions on your inner circle, you are also sharing confidences with them which may well be shared with others. 

I could go on but in essence, therapists are likely to be the most valuable in monetary terms. Find the right one and use them.

7. Think and write

So you know you are going to need to get some advice and guidance (how else are you going to have the anchor of knowing your rights and obligations – how else would you recognise a good deal?). Lawyers charge by time and will read a well-organised briefing way quicker than they can ask questions and you answer them. Many firms will have an information gatherer on their website. If you want to get the most from your time with a lawyer and keep costs time, you would prepare:

  • A balance sheet of where you are now:
    •  who is in the family and who are the relatives and important other people in your lives
    • all the dates and details that are going to be needed such as when the relationship started, was formalised and ended
    • and yes those financial numbers all pinned down so far as known. 
    • In addition there will be descriptions of what is going on – what everyone is like; how are your children doing, pictures etc.  
  • An account of how you got here this is likely to take in your families of origin, education, careers, first homes, challenges and so on
  • And then the quick fire document for a first call: The super brief summary and a clear vision of what you want and what you think are the hurdles to getting there.

Indeed sometimes I think that this last piece of knowing what you are needing is the single most important piece of work that will be in your briefing for the next step.

8. Find the right professional

This can feel like a minefield. There are directories ranking legal professionals, but they may not be your best starting point.  What you are likely to want is that skilled professional whom you trust because they get you and their values resonate with yours, simple as that.  

When you are researching there will be lots of focus on who does what process and your head can spin with the terms likely to be coming at you:  negotiation/ collaborative/ co-operative/ one lawyer/ together/ amicable/ litigation/ mediation/ child inclusion/ hybrid/ integrative, but that shouldn’t be your worry: Your job is to be clear about your needs (those hurdles you identified at stage 7), not the process (which is what the professional brings to accommodate them). It is the professional’s job to show that they have heard you and to explain their recommendation.  If you are convinced, you have the start of your plan. If you are not then say so – if you are not heard, you may not be in the right room so think about moving on now.  

It is why you might do well to choose a professional who is serious about all the different ways of doing things – it will ensure you are presented with all the options. Many lawyers will only have one qualification, permitting them to negotiate your case  with the court as a fall back and the court is the last place most people want to end up.  If your lawyer doesn’t know, isn’t familiar with and doesn’t use collaborative, mediation or arbitration  then just have in mind that these ways that might suit you better will probably not be on the menu for discussion.

9. Be brave …ish

Sitting down to talk with your ex may be absolutely the last thing you want to do, and of course you shouldn’t compromise safety, but for most people, a professionally assisted conversation with a neutral person (likely to be in mediation – but potentially “one lawyer”) is likely to be the fast route to finding the best solution. Your ex is likely to have a view of what they think the outcome should be and they are going to hang onto it until you can show that you have heard them. It is much harder to do this if your discussion is via letters and emails being fired between lawyers from their respective trenches a seeming “safe” distance away from each other.

The right mediator will help you both to manage a safe and productive conversation even in difficult situations. There would be an assessment and  intake process (called “a MIAM”, standing for Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting) when you can gather an understanding of what mediation would be like and talk through whether it is for you. In fact, you are required in most situations to have this meeting even if you wanted ultimately to go to court and I would encourage you to enter this meeting with an open mind as there is a lot of flexibility in mediation and other processes which may mean they are better for you.

10. Think kids

So obvious you may say it didn’t need saying. Where you have children, they are likely to be the lens through which all of this is viewed, you will consider your children:

  • when you take steps to start
  • in how you manage the relationship with your ex (because you are usually going to be co-parenting long term so you will not want to lay waste to how you talk to each other)
  • in the choices you make (for example the geography of your homes and family-friendly career-choices)
  • in the timing of any new relationship
  • in how you work out care and decision making: your children are part of each of you, they need safe arrangements to have a relationship with each of you if possible – and ideally each of you supporting the other to be the best parent you can be.

There is a lot to consider and it is all too easy to delay. But whether this relationship is your future or not is for you to decide and in your heart you will know the answer to that (especially if you have been through tip 3).  

If this relationship is not working and can’t be made to work, it is unlikely to be the best example of “adult relationships” for your kids, but beyond this, please don’t become that person I see so regularly who says “now I know about it all, I should have done this a decade ago, it would have been better for everyone.”

Read more articles by James Pirrie.

Read more articles by Family Law in Partnership.

About James Pirrie

James Pirrie is a Director of Family Law in Partnership, a highly regarded law firm based in London, which specialises in de-escalating conflict in family law.  He is an Arbitrator, Family Solicitor and Mediator accredited in child-inclusive mediation.

James is driven to improve long term outcomes for families who are experiencing separation or divorce.  He is credited with introducing collaborative law to the UK and with changing how children’s needs are addressed during family breakdown through the Parenting after Parting initiative.