Carol Madden

20 result(s) found.

Divorce Exposed My Coping Mechanisms

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

Divorce didn’t just break my heart. It exposed the ways I’d learned to survive when life fell apart.

Not straight away. In the beginning I was just getting through the days, doing what I needed to do to survive the shock of it all. But over time, when things quietened down a little, I started to see myself more clearly. The patterns underneath. The ways I was trying to manage something that felt unbearable.

One of the first things I saw was how quickly I turned on myself. I told myself stories about not being able to love properly, not being worth fighting for, not being able to succeed at family life. Not being lovable.

There was also a lot of denial. I didn’t want to look too closely at certain things. At one point I couldn’t fully take in that my ex husband was seeing someone almost immediately after we separated. That truth felt too sharp, too destabilising, so I softened it, told myself versions of events that hurt less to manage the pain.

I can see now that all of that was just me trying to cope with a devastating experience. I was trying to deal with something I didn’t have the capacity to feel all at once.

Alcohol was in the mix too. Nothing dramatic, just a way of taking the edge off at the end of a long week alone without my kids. It was a distraction from the emotional intensity I didn’t know how to sit with.

And then there was the pull towards a new relationship. The urge to not be alone. Not because I was ready to give myself to someone, but because loneliness after a long relationship can feel like physical pain. It creates a sense that something needs to be fixed immediately.

It took me years to understand that these were my coping strategies. At the time they just felt like survival. I didn’t have language for it then. I was just moving through it the best way I knew how.

It was only later, when things had settled a bit, that I could start to see the pattern clearly. And even then I didn’t rush the process of working through it. Some of it was too painful to look at head on, so I went slowly. Carefully. A bit at a time.

When you feel ready enough to look at your own coping mechanisms, you also start to see what you’ve been avoiding. For me, that was grief.

The actual grief of the marriage ending, of the future I thought I was going to have disappearing, of the parts of myself that had gotten lost and of the things that hadn’t turned out the way I wanted them to. Both during my marriage and in the rebuilding process after divorce.

I had spent a long time staying busy, staying distracted, staying in stories that made it easier to tolerate. But underneath that there was a lot of feeling I hadn’t really touched.

Eventually, I started to get curious instead of avoidant. I started to notice how quickly I reached for something to numb or escape discomfort.

I started to see how much energy went into not feeling what was actually there. And I started to understand that I couldn’t think my way out of it. I had to actually sit with it. Let it move through.

That’s where things started to change for the better. Slowly and steadily, I began to rebuild trust in myself. In my ability to stay with myself even when things felt overwhelming. Even when I was struggling and didn’t like what I was feeling.

I started to let go of some of the coping strategies that had helped me survive but weren’t helping me anymore, and I began building new ones. Ways of being with myself that didn’t rely on escape or numbing or rewriting reality to make it easier to tolerate.

Over time, that created space. Space for different thoughts and choices about where my life was heading. Some of them really surprised me, they weren’t what I thought I wanted when I was acting from avoidance and survival.

This is what divorce does. It exposes you. It shows you what you’ve been leaning on. It shows you how you’ve been getting through. And then, if you’re willing to look at it, it gives you the chance to start again from somewhere more honest.

Healing from divorce doesn’t unfold in a way that makes sense while you’re in it, but over time it becomes something else. A slow stripping back of old patterns. A slow return to yourself.

And even with all of the difficulty that comes with it, it’s a much more peaceful place to be.

Because once you can see the ways you’ve been coping, you no longer have to be ruled by them. You can stop running from your pain and begin sitting with it instead.

It’s not easy. In many ways, it’s harder. But it’s also where real healing begins. And while it may not lead to a perfect life, it leads to a more honest one. One with more peace, more choice, and a deeper connection to yourself.

Click here for more articles by Carol Madden

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

You might be interested in

When Your Kids Bring Up The Divorce Years Later

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

My son was seven when I separated from his dad. He’s eighteen now.

Yesterday, we met for coffee and a catch-up. We haven’t caught up for a few weeks — he’s busy studying engineering at uni, working with kids in an after-school programme, and staying committed to his gym routine.

It breaks my heart a little, but this is what happens as our kids grow up. They start building lives of their own, as they should.

We get on really well. We laugh a lot. I’ve noticed he’s opening up more these days, especially about what his friends are going through as they start to face the reality of becoming young men.

I like this glimpse into his world. It gives me a chance to listen, and sometimes offer a little wisdom if it feels right.

Somehow, we ended up talking about the divorce. We don’t usually, but recently he’s brought it up a few times.

We were sitting on the beach, not far from the little house I rented just after the split. He was seven. His sister was four.

We started remembering that house together. How small it was, but how cosy it felt. It had ocean views and sunlight pouring through the windows. It felt safe.

He said that when he thinks back to our divorce, he always thinks of that house. He remembered feeling sad, but not really knowing why. I told him I felt really sad too. It was a hard time for all of us.

Hearing him talk about it now, from his young adult self looking back, stirred something in me. It wasn’t the same sharp guilt I used to feel. That knife has dulled a bit. But there’s still something there that sits uncomfortably in my body.

He remembered seeing a child psychologist back then. He’d developed sleep anxiety after the separation, and my ex and I organised support for him. Six sessions helped. After that, he was able to stay in bed and settle more easily.

He couldn’t remember everything they talked about, but he said he just felt better after each session. One moment stood out. The psychologist had asked him, “What will happen if you don’t get to sleep?” And he’d answered, “I’ll be tired at school, and I won’t learn anything.”

Sitting there on the beach, he reflected, “I guess my brain just needed something to hook into. I didn’t realise it was actually worry about you guys splitting up.”

As he said it, I felt that familiar ache rising. But I stayed with him. I shared my memories too. I didn’t brush it away. It still hurts to look back sometimes. That’s the reality of divorce when you have children. The grief doesn’t vanish. It gets quieter, but it lives inside you.

He told me he thought we’d had the best possible divorce. That he always felt loved and supported by both of us. That we did everything we could to stay connected as a family, even while things were changing.

I reminded him that back then, when he overcame his sleep struggles, I’d told him: You’re the one who got yourself through this. Not me. Not the psychologist. You did that. And now, that same strength can help carry you through other tough times you’ll face.

Divorce is sad. It affects everyone in the family. I’ve never pretended otherwise.

But the truth is, none of us can avoid sadness and grief in life. We all face loss at some point.

And while none of us would choose divorce, sometimes it chooses us.

It’s only when we come out the other side that we start to see the bigger picture. And even then, we still have moments of doubt. We wonder what if we’d tried harder. What if we’d done it differently?

But eventually, we come to trust that there was no other path. Even when it’s still murky.

That conversation with my son reminded me of this graphic I’ve shared on Instagram. It highlights beautifully to me how we don’t ‘get over’ our divorces and leave it all behind. We integrate the experience so that we can still experience love and happiness as we begin to heal.

That’s what this is. You don’t erase divorce grief. Especially when you share children and you keep parenting through all the stages that follow. There are always new milestones, new reflections, new chances to wonder what might’ve been.

As I dropped him back at his dad’s house, where he lives now that he’s in college, I felt that ache again. Not because anything was wrong. Just the quiet recognition that this grief wants to be felt sometimes.

It’s part of my story.

And knowing that, accepting that, is what helps me stay present when these moments come. It’s what allows me to sit with my kids when they need to revisit it, like my son did yesterday.

Not to fix.

Not to defend.

Just to sit beside him.

Even when it hurts.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

You might be interested in

The Part of Healing I Avoided After Divorce
Image by Envato
/

The Part of Healing That I Avoided After My Divorce

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

And how facing it changed things for the better

For a long time after my marriage ended, I felt like I was going nowhere.

I was functioning, co-parenting, dating and working. Doing all the things you’re supposed to do. But inside, I felt stuck. The grief didn’t seem to move. The anger and regret kept circling back, even many years later.

At the time, I didn’t realise I was protecting myself.

After a marriage ends, most of us fall more into one of two places. Either we’re painfully aware of everything we did “wrong” and we beat ourselves up endlessly, or we focus mostly on our ex’s shortcomings.

What they did, what they didn’t do, and how responsible they were for things falling apart. I lived mostly in that second place.

I blamed my ex-husband for much of what wasn’t working. I didn’t question him as a father or a provider, but when it came to emotional connection and partnership, I felt alone. I felt like I was the one trying, carrying the emotional load, trying to improve things.

After my divorce, that story made complete sense to me, and it helped me survive.

Blame gave me something solid to stand on when everything else had collapsed.

The end of my marriage was such a shock to my entire system, that I simply wasn’t ready to look any deeper. And I don’t see that now as avoidance. I see it as self-protection. I wasn’t strong enough yet to hold the full truth.

What I didn’t realise back then was that blame was also shielding me from a deeper, more painful layer of grief. Underneath the anger was something much harder to face. The possibility that my own attachment wounds had played a role in the breakdown of the relationship.

 

When I eventually felt stronger, those truths started to surface

I remember picking up a book on codependency and feeling my stomach drop as I read it. Not because it described someone awful or malicious, but because it described someone caring, responsible, and deeply focused on someone else. It described me.

What I was bringing into the marriage didn’t look unhealthy on the surface. It looked like caring. But caring that is entirely focused on another person isn’t healthy, and love that’s driven by fear of disconnection comes at a cost.

I started to see some uncomfortable things about myself. I focused too much on what wasn’t working instead of what was. I didn’t have the relational skills, at that stage of my life, to communicate my needs clearly or early enough.

I managed anxiety in my marriage by trying to control outcomes rather than sitting with uncertainty or trusting that my husband would always stick with me, even through the hard times.

Those realisations were incredibly painful. Not just because they were hard to admit, but because of the question that followed. If I had known this sooner… if I had done things differently… could this marriage have worked?

That thought was brutal.

For a while, the grief actually got worse. I wasn’t just grieving the end of the marriage anymore, I was grieving the version of myself who didn’t know better. And there was a strong urge to go back and fix it all, to rewind time and do everything differently with the awareness I had now.

What mattered was that I stayed with those thoughts. I didn’t rush to resolve them or push them away. I didn’t swing back into blaming my ex to escape the discomfort, and I didn’t turn it into self-attack either. I let the truth be painful and complicated.

Yes, my attachment wounds contributed to the breakdown. Yes, there were things I would do differently now. And no, I was not responsible for everything. I was part of the system, not the whole system.

Understanding and accepting that changed everything.

 

Ownership is not self-blame

Ownership says, these are the things I did that didn’t work and that I’ll do differently next time. Self-blame says, this was all my fault. Ownership gave me my power back. It allowed me to see myself clearly as well as acknowledging my exes actions.

Once I reached that place, something finally shifted. I stopped clinging to the fantasy that the marriage could have worked if only I had tried harder or been better or known more. I stopped bargaining with the past. The grief didn’t disappear, but it finally moved into acceptance.

Taking ownership didn’t reopen the wound, it closed it. It allowed me to be honest about the marriage as it actually was, rather than the story I kept telling myself about what it might have become.

And I think that’s the part we don’t talk about enough. We can’t fully release grief while some part of us is still negotiating with it, still secretly hoping the ending might change.

 

What changes is us

When I look back now, there is a little sadness at times, a smidge of regret for the things I wish I’d done better, and also a lot of tenderness and gratitude.

What isn’t there anymore is the constant pull to fix what I couldn’t go back to. Healing didn’t come from blame. It came from ownership and forgiveness.

It came from being brave enough to say that I made mistakes, but that I was only human. I was wounded, and I doing the best I could with what I knew at the time, and that was more than enough.

Life is too short to live in the past. It’s a choice to face what we have to face in order to grow and let go of the connections that were only meant to be there for a season.

As much as we wanted another end to our story.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

You might be interested in

I Dated Before I Was Ready After My Divorce — Here’s What I Learned
Image by envato
/

I Dated Before I Was Ready After My Divorce — Here’s What I Learned

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

The unexpected wisdom that came from loving (and losing) after divorce.

One of the first things many of us get curious about after a divorce is dating.

Whether we initiated the divorce or not, there’s usually a little voice inside that wonders what it would be like to venture out into that mysterious world again.

I’ve sat across from people who were married from anywhere between eight to forty-five years. Those who initiated and those who had the choice made for them.

And what I’ve learned is this: age and circumstance don’t matter when it comes to the quiet question, “Is it too late for me?” Again and again, the people I support have shown me that it’s not.

Short Term Or Lasting – They Still Matter

Even when we suspect it’s too soon, many of us leap into something new after divorce, hoping it will ease the ache or fill the enormous void that is left when our partner is gone.

I took those leaps myself. It didn’t unfold how I hoped it would, but it taught me a lot.

Coaching people who are exploring the dating world after divorce has reminded me of my own early rebounds. They helped me survive, but not without cost. A bit like emotional duct tape. A quick fix that bought me time, but also left marks that took longer to heal.

I had two significant rebounds.

One was about six months after my marriage ended.

The next one started two years later, once that first one finally came to an end (after a few breakups and reconciliations).

It was messy. It was painful. It was confusing. And yet, I gained a lot from those experiences.

Did I know who I was or what I truly wanted?

Not in the slightest.

Did it matter?

Not really. I wasn’t chasing a soulmate. I just needed to know if I could connect with someone as myself again, not the version of me that had gone numb in the marriage.

What My Rebound Relationships Taught Me

The first was a classic rebound. We both knew it. He was recently separated from his wife of ten years. I told him up front I wasn’t looking for anything serious.

I didn’t realise how much pain I was in at the time. It’s not until I look back and remember that ache, that confused panic, the terror that would show up and annihilate me.

That first rebound got me through some of the worst lonely weekends. Those ones where the kids were with their dad, and I was home alone, having an existential crisis on the regular.

I ended that relationship without much emotional upheaval. It served a purpose for both of us. I’m not really sure how he felt about it, to be honest. He tried to stay in contact, but eventually, I stopped replying to his messages. I guess that’s the complicated world of dating after divorce.

My second relationship began a couple of months after the first one ended.

This time, I thought I knew what I wanted. I was convinced I was ready for something real. Little did I know.

I moved too quickly because the physical attraction was so strong.

We were both freshly out of our marriages, both raising young kids, and trying to build a blended family before either of us had truly healed.

I put him on a pedestal and twisted myself into a pretzel trying to be the perfect partner. I was hellbent on getting it right this time around, and I ignored many, many red flags.

This relationship was not light-hearted, and it caused me a lot of heartache and chaos that I really didn’t need in my life at the time.

I could beat myself up for this. I spent quite a few years after a very painful breakup doing just that. But I slowly worked through it. I forgave myself for my naivety and made the decision to look for lessons instead of self-blame.

Although neither of those situations was ideal, there’s no doubt that I learned a lot from each connection and had a lot of great times as well.

Here are some of the most important lessons I took from those early rebounds:

  • Old fears around trust and infidelity don’t just disappear. They show up in new ways unless I name and work with them.
  • I need space inside a relationship. I can’t be in someone’s pocket. I need alone time to feel sane, creative, and spiritually grounded.
  • I’m not ready (and may never be ready) to step into a parenting role with someone else’s kids.
  • Some wounds, like fear of abandonment, don’t heal just because you’re in a relationship.
  • I still had a pattern of over-giving and under-asking. I needed to learn how to speak up when I wasn’t okay.
  • Physical intimacy matters to me. It’s not shallow, it’s a core part of how I feel connected and alive.
  • I want to feel like I matter. Not just fitted in around someone else’s life.
  • My sense of worth still wobbled. I was seeking validation instead of knowing I was already enough.
  • The deepest healing work can’t be outsourced. I had to face myself, on my own, to really heal.

Some of those lessons hurt like hell. But they taught me what no book ever could. I don’t do that stuff anymore; losing myself, ignoring red flags, twisting into knots to be liked.

These days, I’m good on my own. I like my space. I like knowing who I am. And I know that when I’m ready to date again, it’ll come from that place.

Not from fear or loneliness.

The Challenges We All Face

While the lessons above were very specific to my unique divorce journey, there are some themes we’ll all face when we choose to dip the proverbial toe into the dating pool again.

If you’re exploring dating yourself, some of these might sound familiar:

  • Companionship can’t fill the hole of grief, and that’s okay.
  • Rushing into something often comes from not knowing how to sit with the void
  • Even when a relationship doesn’t last, it still counts. It still teaches.
  • Chemistry doesn’t always mean compatibility.
  • Emotional intensity isn’t the same as emotional safety.
  • Craving closeness is natural, but you might not yet be ready for true emotional intimacy.
  • Performing to be “likable” instead of being honest wastes a heap of time.
  • Clear boundaries with yourself are just as important as boundaries with other people.

There’s no right or wrong way to do it

There’s a reason rebound relationships have their own name.It’s rare for someone to stay completely single for years after the end of a significant relationship.

Taking time alone might be the wisest path after divorce, but most of us don’t start there. So let’s give ourselves permission to explore if that’s what we feel like we need. No shame and no judgment.

Just humans, learning lessons as we go.Isn’t that what life’s about, really?

Whether you’re dipping a toe or in the middle of a new connection, take solace in the fact that nobody has a perfect roadmap.

But if you stay curious, honest, and connected to yourself, the lessons will come, and they’ll be exactly the ones you need.

Click here for more articles by Carol Madden

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

You might be interested in

Here’s Why Staying Together for the Kids Doesn’t Work
Image by tirachardz on Freepik
//

Here’s Why Staying Together for the Kids Doesn’t Work

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

It’s the uncomfortable truth that much of society doesn’t want to acknowledge.

Staying unhappily married is not good for your kids.

It’s the reason that you will fall into a bottomless abyss of guilt when you finally realise you can’t stay living under the same roof as your spouse anymore.

What can trigger more anxiety in us as parents? How much higher could the stakes get than your children’s emotional wellbeing?

Nothing comes close. Not even your own emotional wellbeing, which will often be sacrificed in the process.

This is why trying to end a relationship when there are kids involved is one of the hardest and most gut-wrenching experiences you will ever go through.

Blocking it out

I’ve seen many, many people stay quietly miserable in expired and toxic relationships because they don’t want to put their kids through a divorce.

But the agonising truth is that once a relationship is truly over, there is no rescuing your children from pain, even if you decide to stay for their sake.

It’s called denial. We deny the fact that we are causing damage to our kids when we try to stay in unhappy marriages because we are tormented by the constant messages from society that divorce is the worst thing that can happen to our kids.

I’ve been in this exact space. It’s hard to admit, and it’s hard to write about.

But I write about it because I know there are so many of us who have been there, and they shouldn’t feel alone.

It’s the feeling of being desperately alone that makes the experience of leaving a marriage with kids so hard to recover from.

Facing My Own Truth

There are many reasons why my marriage was not sustainable. I won’t go into all of them in this newsletter, but I will say that in the last two years before my divorce, there was extreme disconnect and unhappiness on both sides.

I take ownership of my part in it. I worked through the pain to finally find forgiveness for my ex-husband and myself for the circumstances leading up to the end of our marriage.

Neither of us ever set out to hurt each other, but it was no longer a healthy, loving atmosphere in our home.

Mealtimes, which were the only time we sat down together, were strained.

What used to be a happy, talkative time with laughter had been reduced to an awkward, tense time that we both just wanted over so we didn’t have to fake our way through it.

We started to pursue separate lives and were rarely home at the same time on weekends.

We barely talked, and when we did, it was always through the kids or about the kids.

I tried to convince myself that staying in the marriage would be better for my children. It was a coping mechanism while I allowed the devastating truth to sink in.

During those years, I was not the person I used to be, and I knew it. People started commenting on it, and it was getting harder to hide.

I was diagnosed by my doctor as having extreme depression, and she recommended that I seek therapy and start on anti-depressants. Neither of them was able to mask the reality that our relationship was over and we were going to have to face the unthinkable.

I had always been present and engaged with my kids, but now I was always somewhere else in my head. I was constantly trying to get mental space where I could be alone and manage the overwhelming thoughts that were eating away at me.

Children are astute and are aware of so much more than we give them credit for. They may not know it on a conscious level, but they feel it inside. They know when their parents are faking smiles but desperately unhappy.

The guilt that I couldn’t be the mother I wanted to be started to take over. The realisation dawned that in order to be a good parent, I was going to have to be a co-parent.

One size doesn’t fit all

Once your relationship is truly over, there’s no winning. There’s only the arbitrary, blanket message from society that we should stay together ‘for the kids’.

It doesn’t work.

Imagine being a child who knew full well that your parents were miserable but stayed together for your sake.

A good friend told me a few years ago that she wished her parents had divorced. They fought constantly throughout her childhood and didn’t like each other. Several times, she heard her mother tell her father that she was only staying for the kids.

My friend grew up with the guilt that her parents were miserable because of her.

After my divorce, several people confided in me that they wished their parents had divorced when they were children because of the fighting and unhappiness they witnessed growing up.

For every article or piece of advice you read that says that divorce is not good for kids, there’s another article that says that high-conflict or extremely unhappy marriages are just as detrimental.

We teach our kids through actions, not words.

By staying in a dysfunctional, unhappy marriage, I knew that I was modelling disconnect, lack of intimacy, and lack of emotional resilience to my son and daughter.

I was teaching my kids that life is about grinding and existing for everyone else and that personal fulfilment and mental wellbeing should be stuffed down and ignored at all costs.

I spent too many years after leaving my marriage crushed by the never ending guilt and feelings of failure. What a waste!

I didn’t need to. Yes, there was a period of adjusting, and the kids did have to go through the pain of our divorce. I’m not denying that or sugar-coating any of it.

We all had to go through an extremely difficult and painful time. But we worked our way through it and came out the other side, and we are still very much a family. We share lots of good times now, and when we get together now, there is laughter and joy again.

After divorce, you have the choice to live well, to live for what you believe in, to keep striving and to show your kids (not tell them) how to live a life that is authentic, honest, and healthy to you.

Over time, with intention and clear communication, these are the messages you can give your children every day:

  • Our relationship didn’t work, but we both love you.
  • We are here for you.
  • We support you 100%.
  • We are present.
  • You are the most important thing to us.
  • We’ll always be a family.
  • Two homes don’t mean that we don’t love and support each other in other ways.

The bottom line

Every person who gets married wants to stay together for the rest of their lives. That’s what the commitment of marriage symbolises. However, there are no guarantees that you are going to be able to grow together and sustain a healthy connection that spans a lifetime.

Some marriages end, and it serves no purpose for your family to live in a home where the bills get paid, but there is no love, joy, or connection.

Ten years ago, I made a personal choice to choose separation and presence versus marriage and quiet misery.

Today, I’m one hundred per cent confident that I made the right decision for myself, my kids, and my ex-spouse, and I’ll never waver on that despite what anyone else may think.

Kids need happy, healthy, and present parents. If you can no longer give them that version of yourself in your marriage, give yourself permission to be the best co-parent you can be for them instead.

Click here for more articles by Carol Madden

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

You might be interested in

How To Handle the Gut-Wrenching Questions Kids Ask After Divorce
Image by jcomp on Freepik
/

How To Handle the Gut-Wrenching Questions Kids Ask After Divorce

Published on

I knew that divorce was going to be painful. I wasn’t naive enough to think I was going to get out of it without intense emotional trauma.

I knew that my life would change financially, that I was going out into the world alone and that I’d lose some of my friends. And worst of all, I knew that my kids were going to have to go through pain, too.

But nothing in the world prepared me for how I reacted when they asked me why we couldn’t stay together.

These questions were unbearable because they tapped into my subconscious judgment about why we couldn’t do it, too.

Out of the mouths of babes

The most gut-wrenching one I can remember was when my daughter, who was four years old at the time, asked why we couldn’t live together anymore.

I felt the familiar grief start to overtake me as I blindly searched for the right words.

“Sometimes two people still love each other, but they can’t live together anymore because it makes them sad”.

She looked at me puzzled and said, “But if you don’t live together, then the kids will be sad”.

It was like a knife going through my heart; I felt physical pain. The hardest part was that I couldn’t just fall to my knees and sob right in front of her. I had to kindly and gently complete the conversation and get on with the twenty jobs I had to do before bedtime. (No breaks in single parenting!).

Then, thankfully, as I sank into bed on my own, I could let the tears flow. That’s how it was in the beginning. Pushing through each hour before I could collapse at the end of the day and fall apart before the alarm went off and I’d have to get up to face another day of holding it together.

The hits kept coming

Not long after that, my son blindsided me. We’d just dropped his friend back home after a visit, and we’d gone inside to say hi and chat a bit with her parents. When we got home, he said, “I wish my parents were together like Abby’s parents. Why couldn’t you and dad stay together?”

I sat there frozen, not even sure what to say. What was there to say? I agreed with him. I wished that he had two parents who were together as well.

Again, I searched for some words, any words that he could try to understand at the age of seven.

“I know you’re sad. I’m really sad too, and I’m so sorry you are feeling like this. You have two parents who love you very much, just like Abby”. Again, I went to bed feeling ripped apart and raw. I was worried sick about what the divorce was doing to us all.

How it’s changed

My son is nearly eighteen now, and my daughter is nearly fifteen. These days, they say it would be weird if their dad and I were still together. They’re used to our new family structure, and they are both happy, thriving, and well-adjusted teens.

Eventually, I started seeing that my kids were okay. With our love, support, and commitment to amicable co-parenting, they made it through our divorce, and although we don’t live under one roof, their family is still intact.

How to manage when they ask these questions

The key to handling these types of comments from your kids is not to panic. Accept that these comments will trigger guilt and pain inside you, but don’t shy away from the conversation.

Although it’s a sad time in their lives, when you acknowledge what they’re going through and admit that, yes, it is sad, you validate their feelings. It would be worse if you tried to brush over it and say, ‘Oh, it’s okay. It’s not that bad having two homes. Everything is pretty much the same’ and then quickly move on.

Or worse. Blame their other parent because you haven’t dealt with your own anger. “Well, if your mother wasn’t such a bitch we’d still be married”. Yes, I know someone whose father said this to him when his parents divorced.

Of course, we don’t want to see our kids go through these moments of expressing their sadness and anger that life isn’t working out how they expected it to. There probably isn’t a harder part of divorce, in all honesty. We want so badly to protect them from going through it, but we simply can’t.

Show your kids that you’re in it together

Kids need to see that you share in their sadness. It should be like a team effort to get through it together. As always, I won’t sugarcoat this fact. It’s f**king painful, f**king hard, and it takes at least two years before it really does feel like you are living your new post-divorce family life with a semblance of normality.

It doesn’t stop there. But those first two years are the hardest for everyone, and it’s usually during these years that you’ll get those types of questions and comments from your children because this is when they are still trying to process reality.

If you’re finding these questions and comments difficult to cope with, make sure you have someone you can contact to help you through the triggers when they come.

Trying to shoulder the burden of your children’s pain while you are in the process of getting yourself through emotional turmoil is not something that should be taken lightly. You need to look after yourself.

Talk to a good friend who has experienced divorce, journal it out, join a divorce support group or work with a divorce coach if you can.

Read books or listen to podcasts that specifically address helping children through divorce. You can never be over-informed about this.

If you have young children, there are a heap of good picture books that can help them make sense of what’s happening and give you some strategies for talking about it with them.

Here’s a link to the 7 Best Children’s Books About Divorce to get you started if you’re interested. Some of them are for older kids, too.

You’ll make it

You can get yourself and your kids through the first few years of divorce with the right game plan and a set of tools and strategies to handle the gut-wrenching questions when they come. Preparation is everything.

In the beginning it feels like coming out the other side is an impossible dream. But there are many, many people who have been able to get their families through divorce and thrive. I’m one of them, and there’s no reason that you can’t be one of them too.

Click here for more articles by Carol Madden

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

You might be interested in

Solo Travel After Divorce Can Be a Powerful Experience
Photo by Janis Oppliger on Unsplash
/

Solo Travel After Divorce Can Be a Powerful Experience

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

Travel is the best way to get lost and found at the same time – Brenna Smith

Have you ever taken a solo vacation?

I’ve just returned from a week of solo travel in Australia, and it’s inspired me to reflect on the joy of travelling alone.

Solo travel is personally fulfilling in so many ways. I know many people don’t agree with this one. Several people have told me they are hesitant to vacation alone, especially after coming out of a marriage or long-term relationship.

I understand. I used to feel the same way.

But there’s something so liberating about finally being comfortable venturing out into the world as a single person without needing a partner to make it feel fun or worthwhile.

When I first got divorced, it was a different story.

When my marriage ended, I didn’t feel whole or complete. What’s worse is that I didn’t realize I felt this way on a conscious level. It was all buried way down in my subconscious.

I often felt empty and depressed when I wasn’t dating or when someone wasn’t messaging me. I thought only another love interest could fill the persistent void within. So, I never gave myself the opportunity to do things alone. When my kids were with their Dad, I would stay home unless I had someone to go and do things with.

I used online dating apps to meet lots of people to ensure I was never having to do anything by myself.

It was during this time I met someone who I thought was the perfect person for me. I started a serious relationship quickly despite recognizing many red flags.

I didn’t want to admit that those red flags were there because I wanted someone to take away the loneliness and emptiness I felt whenever I tried to face my fear of being single.

When that relationship ended three years later, I made a commitment to myself that I would stay single for a while despite the same feelings of emptiness and loneliness starting to plague me again.

My biggest post-divorce challenge.

It was not easy to sit still and face those feelings. Not by a long shot. There were times of deep darkness and discomfort as I wrestled with the idea that having someone by my side was the only way to enjoy my downtime.

Little by little, I worked through those feelings. I started to challenge where they were coming from. Why did I feel this way about spending time on my own?

I realized that a lot of it was coming from within. I was projecting my feelings of inadequacy and lack of purpose out into the world, and I felt self-conscious and awkward when I first started to get out of my comfort zone and into my new normal.

Nothing worth having comes easy. I’d remind myself of this when I would once again consider downloading the dating apps onto my phone and start the merry-go-round again.

I could feel myself reaching for the quick fix, and I wanted to do things differently this time. I wanted to overcome my feelings of needing someone to be next to me in order to enjoy life.

What have I learned?

Since I committed to giving myself time to truly be alone, I’ve been on three solo trips overseas and countless solo trips within my own country. It’s been an absolute revelation to see how amazing it can be to travel without a partner.

When you travel alone, the itinerary is yours. The timeframes are yours. The budget is yours. There’s nothing more enjoyable than planning a trip knowing that you don’t have to modify anything you want to do or see to suit someone else.

When I travel alone, I’m more receptive to talking to the people around me. I’ve met many great people who have enriched my life and contributed to my personal growth.

Last year, during a solo trip to the USA, I went out to eat on my own. (A fate worse than death, according to my sister). I sat at the bar, and within half an hour, I was doing the quiz with a guy called Jessie, who had just separated from his husband and was venturing out alone.

We bonded over divorce, BBQ ribs and cheesy pub quiz questions. I still keep in touch with Jessie today; he’s a great guy. Had I been with anyone else that night, Jessie and I would never have connected.

It takes guts.

I understand that for many of us, going out to do things on our own is incredibly challenging. There is awkwardness, self-consciousness, sadness. You may even feel like a complete failure, like you can’t get a partner or make new friends. (Been there, felt that!).

The key is to understand that everybody who goes through a divorce feels that way sometimes. In fact, most people can’t bear to feel like that, so many divorced people stay home rather than go out on their own.

Being able to break those bonds has opened up an entire new world, one that I love. It’s like breaking the shackles of what other people think and living in the moment.

You don’t need to be with anyone else to enjoy eating out, socialising or travelling.

Who knew??

I felt incredible freedom and joy as I drove along the Pacific Coast Highway in Australia last week. Now that I’ve overcome my resistance to travelling alone, I am truly comfortable and happy to book holidays and throw myself into whatever experiences come my way.

Who knows how long it will be until I’m in a relationship again? I want to enjoy as much time travelling alone as I can while I have the opportunity.

If travelling alone is something you’re nervous about but have been wanting to try, do it in small steps. Try taking yourself out to dinner or lunch on your own. Maybe book one night somewhere out of town you’ve wanted to explore. You may be suprised to find that it’s far more enjoyable than you anticipated.

Eventually, you could be ready to take an overseas trip on your own and have some life-changing experiences that contribute to your personal growth in ways you couldn’t imagine.

Here’s to getting out into the world and enjoying the freedom that comes from making all of our own choices!

Read more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

You might be interested in

isolation-and-divorce-banner
Image by wirestock on Freepik

How To Use Isolation To Have a Breakthrough After Divorce

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

Unveiling the healing power of alone time

Being alone can be the most challenging part of divorce.

I don’t mean living on your own. I mean feeling as if you are the only person in the world going through something so devastating.

I’m talking about the feeling of isolation.

Isolation is a unique feeling. It’s that sense that there is nobody around us, even when we’re in a room full of people. It can be a bewildering experience, especially if you’ve never gone through it before.

Feeling isolated after divorce is a common experience for us all. No matter how much we try to stay connected to people or how many people we have around us, there is still a feeling of being ‘cut off’.

The peculiar part is that even though we feel this way, we don’t seem to have the emotional energy to make any changes. It’s almost like a self-imposed prison at times.

I can recall in the first years after separating from my husband that, no matter how busy I kept myself or how many people I spent time with, I felt very much alone.

I would try to talk to my family and friends about what I was experiencing, and although they would listen and try to comfort me, I still felt as though I was stumbling through a dark forest by myself.

In some ways, trying to communicate made it worse, so I’d retreat further into my alone time.

The hardest part was having no clue when I was going to come out of it. On the worst days, I felt as though this was just going to be my life now.

Divorced and isolated.

Of course, I came out of this time and was able to look back and reflect on why the whole experience was necessary and beneficial.

I want to share something with you today that may ease any concerns you have if you are feeling like this at the moment.

There is an essential purpose to what is happening.

Emotional pain and trauma can’t be seen, but they are as real as a traumatic physical accident.

Imagine someone suffering extreme physical trauma after a car crash and then trying to get up and walk away from the wreckage without healing.

This is equal to someone trying to go on as normal after a divorce.

A period of isolation is the emotional equivalent of getting treatment for physical trauma.

It allows you to rest, process, grieve, plan, grow and, most importantly, heal.

Dark Night of the Soul

There are many terms for this voluntary isolation period that humans go through after extreme events that cause us to retreat and seek emotional sanctuary.

The one that resonated most with me is ‘Dark Night of the Soul’. Eckhart Tolle describes it this way:

It is a term used to describe what one could call a collapse of a perceived meaning in life…an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness. The inner state, in some cases, is very close to what is conventionally called depression. Nothing makes sense anymore; there’s no purpose to anything.

Divorce strips us of our identity and our dreams. The path ahead, the one we thought we’d be following for the rest of our lives, has dissolved. It’s only natural that we would feel what Tolle describes above.

And it’s only natural that we would need some time to cocoon ourselves from this type of shock.

Although there is a natural resistance to going through isolation, there are ways that you can shift your mindset from struggle to acceptance.

Here’s how leaning into isolation can benefit you after divorce.

  • Time and space: It allows you time and space to gradually come to terms with the changes and the loss you have experienced.
  • Minimizing triggers: Interactions with other people can trigger us when we’re this raw. Being alone helps us stay emotionally regulated.
  • Grief: Grief requires us to experience a specific cycle of emotions that must be felt to move on. This takes time and emotional energy.
  • Planning: Being alone gives you the opportunity to spend time defining what you need now and where you want to go next in your life.
  • Resilience: You are learning the very important life lesson that you are capable of getting yourself through intense struggle without needing anyone else to ‘rescue’ you.
  • Privacy: If you need to ‘fall apart’, you can do it without feeling judged or worrying loved ones.
  • Reflection: You have changed. The old you is gone. Who is the new you? You need this time to discover who you are outside of the identity you built within your marriage.

Of course, none of these concepts are easy to execute, and at times, it can feel overwhelming and scary.

But by anchoring back to the knowledge that there is a bigger purpose to this time, you will be able to trust that it’s necessary and temporary.

Don’t try to rush this process. As you heal, you will start to feel the natural glimmers of hope that things can be better. You will begin to get little impulses to reconnect with others in small steps.

Eventually, you will emerge from this time, ready to form new connections as the person you have become. You will have a stronger sense of self and an improved emotional skill set.

After my divorce, I went through an isolation period, which lasted around 18 months. It was a very dark time, and I felt like I was trapped in the darkness, unable to find a way out.

The second time it happened to me after my four-year relationship ended, I was able to recognize what was happening. This made it slightly easier to stay focused on my healing and allow the process without despairing.

It still sucked, but I knew that it wouldn’t last forever.

What was really interesting is that I began to notice how my feelings of being cut off began to transform from isolation to solitude.

The difference is that solitude is a feeling of enjoying being on my own. It’s the realisation that being alone does not mean being lonely.

I love my solitude now. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve recognised and accepted that I’m far happier and content with fewer people around me. It’s all about quality, not quantity, like it used to be in my twenties and thirties.

I understand now that isolation can be a gift if we understand its purpose and use it to our advantage during tough times.

It’s my hope that if you are currently in a period of isolation, this post has helped you to have a deeper understanding of the process and keep the faith that you will come out the other side of it feeling much stronger.

If you would like support to navigate loneliness or isolation after divorce, let’s talk. I can help you use this time to your advantage as you begin to take concrete steps to rebuild and feel stronger after divorce.

If you’re recently separated and want to feel confident to co-parent with your ex and start rebuilding your life, explore my coaching packages here.

Download my free divorce recovery workbook here.

Click here for more articles by Carol Madden

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

You might be interested in

post-divorce-goals-managing
Image by jigsawstocker on Freepik

How To Make Your Post-Divorce Goals More Manageable

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

Here’s how I worked through overwhelm to get things done.

As we step into the new year, I want to take the opportunity to emphasize the significance of setting small goals after a divorce.

I know firsthand the complete turmoil that comes with the end of a marriage. It’s a time filled with uncertainty, change, and an unimaginable sense of loss.

It’s also a time when you need to be on top of high-stakes legal, practical and logistical tasks that require a huge amount of focus. Not much to ask, right?

Shutting Down

When I was in the first months of my divorce, I would fall into a paralyzed state when I had to do practical things like call my lawyer, look for a house, or write a list of possessions that were going to be divided up.

It was already a herculean effort just to get up each day, get the kids organized and get myself to work.

It’s almost as though there is only enough RAM in our brains to process the tsunami of emotions that wipe us out each day, let alone the logistics of creating an entirely new living situation and sorting out legal responsibilities.

The issue was that every time I would put one step in place to move towards separation, it would feel like another emotional body blow.

It was all becoming real, and I didn’t want to face it. So, part of the resistance to getting the tasks done was an awareness that it was going to hurt every time I completed one.

However, I found that by writing down all the things I needed to do and choosing just one thing to focus on at a time, I was able to eventually work my way through them. I committed to not looking at another task until I had completed the task before it.

When you can’t seem to get going on getting things done, it’s important to break down each task into even smaller, more manageable steps to avoid overwhelm and ‘freeze’ setting in.

It’s also helpful to allow yourself some time to check in with yourself and regroup emotionally after each one because there’s a chance that it will trigger some pretty intense feelings each time you tick a goal off your list.

I remember feeling elated when I finally found a home that was perfect for the kids and me. On the way home after signing the lease, I started to sob and had to pull over in my car because I felt almost in a state of shock that it was actually happening.

I was moving into my own home!

It was incredibly disorientating to go from feeling great about finalising a home to being overcome with panic because things were becoming so real.

Further Down The Track

If you’re past the logistics stage of divorce and are now beginning to live your new life, goals are important in the rebuilding process. Are there things you want to get done now but can’t seem to make a start?

Maybe you’re looking for a new job and can’t face opening the laptop, or you want to get out and build a social life, but you keep getting lured by the comfort of staying home and hiding.

Break your goal down into tiny actions, and do one step at a time.

For example, I wanted to join the squash club because it was an activity that was good for my physical health and would also help me to meet new people.

I kept putting it off because I was imagining the awkwardness of walking into the club and not knowing a single person. Weeks went by, and I still hadn’t gone.

Eventually, I decided to break it down into small chunks and tackle one thing each time.

Step one, call the club and chat with the manager about times and membership options. Step two, find my racquet in the garage. Step three, drive to the club for one session.

(I allowed myself permission to go only once if that’s all I felt comfortable with. Just walk in the door and make a start.)

It may sound silly to break something down into minute steps like this, but sometimes small things can feel very daunting when you’re recovering after divorce.

I ended up having a great time and meeting some nice people. I know that breaking it down helped me get over the barrier of feeling nervous to walk into a room full of strangers.

Here’s why setting small goals after divorce can be incredibly beneficial, regardless of what stage you are in:

  1. Regaining a Sense of Control: Divorce can leave us feeling powerless and adrift. Setting small goals allows us to regain a sense of control over our lives. They provide structure, purpose, and a roadmap for moving forward, even when the path may seem unclear.
  2. Building Confidence and Self-Esteem: Accomplishing small goals, no matter how trivial they may seem, can significantly boost our self-confidence. Each achievement serves as a reminder of our capabilities, helping to rebuild self-esteem that may have been shaken during the divorce process.
  3. Fostering a Positive Mindset: Divorce often brings forth negative emotions and thoughts. Setting and achieving small goals create positive experiences and a sense of progress. These small victories act as beacons of hope and promote a more optimistic outlook on life post-divorce.
  4. Creating a New Identity: Divorce marks the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. Setting goals allows us to shape and define this new chapter of our lives. They can be centred around personal growth, career aspirations, hobbies, or any area that sparks a sense of purpose.
  5. Taking Incremental Steps Toward Larger Objectives: Small goals serve as building blocks towards larger aspirations. By breaking down bigger dreams into manageable tasks, we make them less overwhelming and more achievable.

Where are you at?

Thinking of your own situation, here are two questions for you today:

  • What stage are you in? Working through logistics or rebuilding a new life?
  • What goals do you have for the coming weeks and months?

They can be as simple as committing to a daily walk, making a phone call, sending an email, or doing one thing for yourself that falls under self-care.

The key is to make them small, realistic, and manageable for the state that you are in right now.

My challenge to you is to pick one of those things, break it into even smaller steps if you need to, and then commit to doing the first step.

If you would like an accountability buddy to help you get the ball rolling, I’d be happy to do that for you. Send me an email with the goal you want to achieve, and then let me know once you’ve achieved it.

You’ll be amazed at how much being accountable to another person boosts your motivation to get something done. Not only that, you get to celebrate your achievement with someone else!

Remember, the journey of healing and achieving our goals after divorce is unique for us all. There is no set timeline or formula. Take each day as it comes, break everything down into manageable steps and focus on ONE thing at at time.

And above all else, celebrate every small victory along the way.

If you’re considering working with me in 2024 to start healing and rebuilding after your divorce, you can check out my coaching packages here or book a free discovery call here.

If you know anyone who could benefit from reading this, please consider sharing it with them ❤️

Click here for more articles by Carol Madden

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

You might be interested in

How-Great-Communication-Equals-a-Good-Sex-Life-communication-and-sex
Image by Freepik.
/

Life after Divorce – How Great Communication Equals a Good Sex Life

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

Find the words and reap the rewards

When communication breaks down in a relationship, so does the desire for sex.

Lack of physical intimacy inside a relationship can cause depression, anger, disinterest, and boredom.

I’ve been there.

While sex isn’t the most important part of a healthy relationship, it is an essential part of feeling close to our partners.

When we are unsatisfied with our sex lives, the problem is usually not the lack of sex and intimacy itself but the meaning behind it.

It feels sad and worrying to be rejected when you reach out to your partner for physical affection, and they turn you away. Or when weeks go by without any initiation for closeness.

What’s Really Behind the Desire for Sex?

If you want sex from your partner, what is it that you are actually reaching out for? I’ll bet that most people who are approaching their partners for sex are not hell-bent on having an orgasm. Everyone knows we can give ourselves one of those at any time.

At its core, sex is about wanting to feel close, wanting to feel seen, wanting to feel loved and important.

It’s understandable that over time, in relationships, it gets easier to take each other for granted and stop ‘seeing’ the person we share our lives with every day.

Why is it that in our relationships, when we start to talk about problems with our intimacy, we tend to get stuck on the words? The stakes seem so high. The fear of vulnerability and sharing our needs and honest thoughts can be overwhelming.

There’s also the fear of being rejected, dismissed, or misunderstood. Sometimes, it can feel easier to accept what is happening rather than initiate a difficult conversation and not get the outcome we are looking for.

Relationships and marriages are incredibly complex entities.

In the first few years, relating to each other is fairly easy. You are in the beginning stages of getting to know each other properly. Even if there is conflict, things are patched up quickly, and you don’t need overly heavy discussions.

Slowly, as the reality of building a life together sinks in, the need to communicate effectively gets more critical. Throw parenthood into the mix, and the need gets even greater.

But wait, hang on!

I was never taught how to ask someone for something I needed physically or emotionally. I wasn’t taught how to cope if that person said no when I finally got the courage to ask.

How many of us have expressed a need to our partners after working up the guts to do it for so long, only to have them completely misunderstand what we’re asking for or dismiss what we are asking for because they don’t rate it as being important?

Denial as a Coping Mechanism

I always considered myself to be a good communicator. When things were fractious in my marriage or I needed something, I was proactive about initiating conversations to work through it and improve the situation.

When I look back with the benefit of hindsight, I know I wasn’t brave enough to get to the real core of why things were breaking down. I stuck to the surface level — the ‘in your face’ part of the problem.

I didn’t have the guts to admit that I didn’t want to have sex. That I didn’t feel seen, important, heard, loved. When it came to the real issue, I just couldn’t find the words I needed.

As time went on and our kids took the bulk of our attention and energy, our intimacy was almost nonexistent.

We were stuck in a loop of sweeping everything under the carpet to avoid having a brutally honest conversation about what was really going on between us.

The disconnect slowly grew and took on a life of its own.

I used blame to make myself feel better. “He never brings things up. He always shuts me down. He never wants to talk about the real issues”.

Looking back, though, I realize there was a payoff for me. By blaming my ex for not bringing things up, I could continue to hide and avoid painful conversations myself.

By the time we were in marriage counselling, it was too late. The damage and hurt we both felt were irreparable. As much as we tried everything we could to save our relationship, we had to accept that it wasn’t possible.

To this day, I don’t know what my ex-husband thinks about all of the above. Does he wish he’d been able to tell me how he was feeling deep down?

Couples who are struggling with a lack of physical intimacy can usually trace the issue back to unresolved relationship issues that have been simmering in the background.

So, How Do We Get Better at Communicating To Improve Our Sex Lives?

If we are going to go forward after our divorces and have quality, healthy relationships that don’t end up unravelling because of the same patterns of relating, what do we need to be brave enough to change?

I’ve learned that when a conversation seems scary and hard, that’s an indication that you should definitely have it. If your partner isn’t willing or isn’t able to understand your point of view (or vice versa), then talk to a coach or therapist sooner rather than later.

We tend to think of relationship counselling as the last resort when things are going wrong, but we shouldn’t use it as the ambulance at the bottom of the cliff.

It’s okay to seek support for communication in our relationships.

Unfortunately, nobody teaches us how to address these types of problems when we are younger. We aren’t taught how to tell someone we feel unseen, rejected, disinterested, or bored.

Nobody teaches us that there is an option to go to our partners honestly about our struggles and strategize as a team to improve the relationship.

If more people were explicitly taught how to have difficult conversations with their partners, our relationships would be better. It’s not bulletproof, but many more would certainly have a higher chance of lasting.

Not Just Divorced Couples

Even though there was an obvious communication breakdown with couples who separate, there are countless married people out there who feel isolated and lonely inside their relationships because they’re not connecting with their partners on a deep level.

Many are just living as roommates and going through the motions on auto-pilot. They would love to have more fulfilling connections with their spouses but are stuck in a loop of interacting the way they always have.

They’re too tired or too nervous to open the can of worms that could explode if they express how they are truly feeling.

They don’t trust that they can deal with what may come up once they start the conversation.

After divorce, we want more for our love lives. We don’t want to experience disconnect and lack of intimacy like we did in our marriages.

The goal should be to start getting better and braver with communicating. Every single one of us can become better communicators with intention. It doesn’t just happen.

Past patterns and communication styles will persist unless they are challenged and actively worked on.

Open, honest, and vulnerable conversations lead to intimacy, and intimacy is the glue that holds relationships together in the long run.

Plan for Success

Sex and physical intimacy is the only thing that differentiates a friendship from a romantic relationship. A strong relationship needs both to weather the highs and lows of long-term love.

If you avoid heavy discussions because you struggle to find the right words in a relationship, set a goal to work through those barriers and become more confident in handling high-stakes conversations.

We all want to love and be loved again after our marriages end. And we deserve to set ourselves up to succeed the next time around.

Make learning how to become a better communicator a top priority and give yourself the best chance of having a strong, healthy relationship with a quality partner as you rebuild your life post-divorce.

Click here for more articles by Carol Madden

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

You might be interested in

Truths-about-divorce
Image by rawpixel.com on Freepik.

19 Truths About Divorce That Will Make You Feel Better

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

These are the words I desperately  needed to hear ten years ago

Lately, I’ve had so many things swirling around in my head that I know are so very valuable to anyone who is experiencing the end of a significant relationship. So, I’ve decided to share the truths about divorce that I’ve experienced.

Sometimes, I like to go in-depth on particular topics, but other times, I feel an impulse to get those key messages out quickly to people who I know need to feel like they are not alone in their pain and confusion.

During a recent two-week trip through the States for a coaching retreat, I met so many people who shared some of their biggest post-divorce struggles with me. I’m grateful for each and every one of them and humbled that they trusted me with their stories.

This week, I’m inspired to share some of the most valuable truths about divorce that have come to me since my divorce ten years ago and through hundreds of hours of coaching others through their divorce journeys.

I literally visualised myself ten years ago, lost, confused, scared, hopeless and desperate for someone to tell me that I was going to make it through.

If I was sitting on the end of my bed with that person now, this is what I would say.

  1. Divorce is not a failure: Redefine failure and success for yourself and what you truly believe about life. Not what society tells us. There are many married people who are quietly miserable; is this success?
  2. Emotions are valid: Allow yourself to feel anger, sadness, and confusion without judgment. There may even be times that you don’t see the point in living. It’s ok to feel this way. You are a human being going through intense grief. Every emotion is valid and will eventually pass.
  3. Self-care is essential: Prioritize your well-being throughout the process. Nothing is more important than how you care for yourself during a divorce. It’s even more important than the kids because you can’t look after them properly if you’re not looking after yourself first.
  4. Support is crucial: Lean on friends, family, or a coach who can provide emotional support. The best support is paid for. I found that my family and friends had limited time or expertise to help me when I was truly on my knees and going through a particularly bad trigger.
  5. Every divorce is unique: You can’t compare your healing and recovery to anyone else. I remember seeing a woman at work who seemed completely over the moon to be out of her marriage. Meanwhile, I could barely get through the day. This made me feel like more of a failure.
  6. Don’t underestimate patience: Healing and rebuilding take time. It’s not something that can be rushed. It’s also not linear. You can go back and forth between feeling strong and feeling devastated again in the space of a few days or weeks.
  7. Communication is vital: Open and honest conversations with your ex-spouse and your kids (depending on their ages) will lead to better outcomes. Take this opportunity to become a better communicator. If it’s not something you’re good at, reach out to a coach to help.
  8. Focus on the future: What you want in your post-divorce life matters. You are the creator of what happens to you now. What do you want? What is your vision? Get intentional, and don’t leave things to chance.
  9. Children need reassurance: Your kids need to see that you are consistently there for them in every way. If your co-parent is on board with this, awesome! If they’re not, focus on you and what you can do. Be the best parent you can possibly be for your kids, and never let them doubt that they have one hundred percent of your love and support.
  10. Financial planning is essential: Establish a stable financial foundation for yourself. If this is not your area of expertise, get some professional help. If you can’t afford it right now, hit up Uncle Google and find out what you need to know. There is no end of financial advice online for divorced people. Be proactive!
  11. Meditation and mindfulness can help: When the emotional chaos starts to overtake you (and it will), use these practices to calm the mind and get grounded back in reality rather than the worst-case scenarios that are causing anxiety and depression.
  12. Your happiness is your responsibility: A new relationship is not going to make everything all better. It can help in some ways and add value in others, but it can’t take away the fact that you need to properly heal from the grief of your marriage ending.
  13. Forgiveness is liberating: No matter what has happened or what your ex has done to you, forgiveness is going to help you in the long run. This one can be the most challenging for some of us; a divorce coach can help you get there faster.
  14. Life can be amazing again: This chapter is a part of your story, not the whole book. Divorce is not the end; it is the beginning of something new. You may reject this idea at first, but as your life evolves, you will begin to see that your new story can be even more exciting than the one you thought you were going to have.
  15. Newfound freedom: Don’t take your freedom lightly. As great as relationships can be, they do limit much of our personal freedom. You only have yourself to think about for now. Use this precious time to figure out what lights you up, and then get out there and do it!
  16. Boundaries are crucial: Set clear boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. If your ex is shaking you to the core with every interaction, it’s time to set some new boundaries. If your new partner is manipulating you, again, boundaries! If you need help with this, talk to a coach.
  17. Learn from the experience: Find the positives. Yes, there are positives to divorce, no matter what society tells us. It’s the most fertile soil for growth that you will ever experience. Sometimes, our personal growth comes in ways we wouldn’t have chosen. Nobody said that growth was easy.
  18. Closure comes from within: Closure doesn’t come from your ex. It has to come from within you. You may think that you need the right words from your ex to make you feel like you can put a full stop to the pain. The reality is that no matter what they say or don’t say, you are the only one who can decide that it is time to let go and move on.
  19. Crazy resilience: Fewer things in life can test the limits of your endurance, as a divorce can. As you slowly but surely move towards healing and acceptance, you can apply your new courage and strength to every area of your life: work, new relationships, family. You have levelled up in ways you never thought were possible.

I hope that some of these truths about divorce are able to give you some comfort as you deal day-to-day with the reality of your own separation.

The first two years after a marriage ends are absolutely brutal. Anyone who has been through it can tell you that those two years are by far the hardest.

There are many things you can do to make it better for yourself, but often, it feels like you are stumbling through the dark without a torch, just trying to survive each day.

It doesn’t have to be that hard, though. If you want to talk to someone who can help you take control of the chaos and get on top of things again, reach out to a professional who can help you strategize on the next step you need to take to start feeling in control of your life again.

Click here to read more articles by Carol Madden

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

You might be interested in

Knowing This One Thing Helped Me Recover Faster From My Divorce
Photo by whoislimos on Unsplash.
//

Knowing This One Thing Helped Me Recover Faster from My Divorce

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

I wish I’d known it so much sooner. 

When am I going to feel better?

Usually, this is the question front and centre of everyone’s mind after they have experienced a separation or divorce.

Like every part of life, ups and downs happen. The challenge we face right after a divorce is that when life throws you one of its inevitably shitty times, it’s all magnified by the pain and the fact that your marriage didn’t work out.

You’re left struggling as you’re forced to leave behind every part of what you imagined your life was going to look like when you made your marriage vows. It can skew the way you view life’s unavoidable hardships.

The uncomfortable truth is that you never really get OVER your divorce. Just like you never get OVER the death of someone you loved.

It’s essential to understand this when you’re in the first year or so of trying to recover from the shock of separation.

Divorce is grieving. Once you understand that you are going through grief, you can start to make sense of what is happening to you and develop some realistic timelines to anchor to.

How long are we talking?

I’m in the process of planning a solo trip to Yosemite National Park in the United States this coming September, and I needed to buy some hiking gear.

In December, it will be ten years since my divorce. Ten years since the night that my ex-husband and I looked across at each other in absolute shock as the realisation dawned that our marriage was over.

I’m browsing the outdoor store on my own, and in comes a gorgeous little family of four. Dad, mom, 4-year-old son, and 2-year-old daughter. Both as cute as buttons.

They point to things and ask questions in their little chipmunk voices. Their parents are guiding them and chatting with them. They are choosing the colours they like for the clothes they are being bought. They all look super happy.

I am instantly transported back to the day that my ex-husband and I took the kids to buy puffer jackets for our first family trip to the snow. We let them choose the colours they liked the most, and they were so excited about it.

I recall standing there with my ex and discussing what we were going to buy, both of us keeping an eye on the kids as we shopped. As the memories came, words flashed through my head:

  • Teamwork
  • Family
  • Companionship
  • Excitement

I felt the familiar stab of grief hit my abdomen. Just a light touch now, but still there. These days though, instead of the old strategy I used of burying it down and denying the pain, I allowed it in.

This is what I said to myself:

“Yeah, it does hurt to remember that. I miss the kids being so little. Sometimes I miss the feeling of having someone to make decisions with. That’s ok. I accept that we are not together anymore. The kids are teenagers now, and my life is changing and evolving in other fulfilling and exciting ways”.

The little stab passed pretty quickly.

After a hugely traumatic and life-altering loss like divorce, understanding grief helps you to integrate rather than deny your pain and heartache.

Integrating vs Enduring.

Integrating our loss means accepting it as part of our life journey. One of the many important pieces of the puzzle that make up the unique person you are. It’s part of your story, and your story matters.

Integrating our pain means understanding that it’s not a case of waiting for it to be over or thinking that the memories won’t make us feel sad or regretful at times.

There is a new(ish) way of viewing grief and loss in the clinical world these days. Rather than coming to an endpoint and being ‘over’ grief as we used to understand it, the new model is called ‘growing around grief’.

The grief doesn’t get smaller or go away as we may have once believed. What actually happens is that over time, and with intentional healing and recovery work, your life gets bigger and fuller around the grief.

Here is an image that portrays this concept in a visual diagram:

Visual diagram of how grief changes over time.
Credit: Author

As you move through the different stages of divorce, you will begin to notice that even as you heal and start to feel better overall, there will always be little things that remind you of times past or things you miss.

You don’t need to fear those feelings.

There was a time when those sorts of thoughts would arise, and I would almost panic. Up would come the anxiety that I’d made a huge mistake by divorcing. I’d fixate, ruminate on regrets, and want to change things that could never be changed.

What I didn’t realise back then was that I was stuck in the ‘bargaining’ part of the grief cycle. Still living in a form of denial that I could go back and change the past.

If I had known back then what I know today, I would have spoken to myself the way I did in the outdoor store.

I would’ve been able to say to myself:

‘This is called bargaining. It’s a natural and normal part of divorce and the grief cycle. It will pass’.

That would’ve lessened my anxiety, fear and pain. It wouldn’t have taken it away completely, but minimised the impact so it didn’t send me into a tailspin and cause me to think that my entire future was ruined.

The ability to understand what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling that way is critical to recovery. It helps you to absorb the shock waves when they come and calm yourself down to a more logical and rational outlook instead of being swept away in the painful emotions that wash over you.

Once grief has been integrated, you can start to imagine a life that involves joy, happiness, and optimism again. However, there can still be momentary periods when the acute grief can return.

Without knowing this, you can feel as though you haven’t made any progress or recovery. However, it’s perfectly normal and does not mean that you have gone backwards in your healing. Quite the opposite; it shows that you are healing and recovering just the way you should be.

I’m passionate about helping people understand the grief cycle as they work through their loss after divorce because I know what a huge turning point it was in my recovery.

I know that if I had understood it a lot better, my recovery time would’ve been cut short by several years.

Time is your greatest asset, and grief can keep you stuck in inertia.

Working through it is vital to regaining your energy and motivation to rebuild a new, fulfilling life and ‘grow around’ your grief.

Read more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

You might be interested in

1 2