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Is There Such a Thing as a Divorce That is Too Amicable?
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Is there such a thing as a divorce that is too amicable?

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

Getting along with your ex comes with some surprising challenges.

Recently, a friend told me one of the saddest divorce stories I’ve ever heard.

Her colleague’s young son was on life support, and her parents couldn’t be in the hospital room with her at the same time when she had to say goodbye to him.

They still refused to be in a room together after the divorce twenty years ago.

Horror stories like this one, and many others I’d heard over the years, drove me to make an amicable divorce my absolute priority when my marriage ended. I was determined not to be one of those couples that made every family gathering awful and tense.

After years of teaching young children and dealing with divorced parents, seeing their children’s anguish, and all the awkwardness of parent interviews, I set about nurturing a relationship with my ex-husband that would allow us to return to the friends we were when we first met.

I took a very philosophical view of the situation.

No matter what had happened to us in the final years, there was a reason that we chose each other once, and I believed that we didn’t need to throw all that away because of the way we had treated each other when we were both in the excruciating pain and sorrow of separation.

From the beginning of our separation, we spent every birthday and Christmas together as a family unit. Our goal was for the kids to see that although we couldn’t be together as a couple, we could still hang out as friends and enjoy each other’s company despite what we’d been through.

This was great for the kids, and they often express to us now that they are older how grateful they are for the fact that we have always been able to continue to do things together as a family.

It goes without saying that divorce is tough on kids. The more opportunities you can give them to see you getting along and for them to have their family together at times, the better their chances of recovering quickly from the impact.

However, if you manage to have an amicable divorce, it can come with unexpected challenges.

How amicable is too amicable when there are new partners in the equation?

One of the most common challenges when maintaining a positive relationship with your ex-spouse is the jealousy and insecurity it can trigger in your new partner.

Your new love interest may worry that your connection with your ex-spouse threatens the solidity of your current relationship. They might feel insecure about your shared history or concerned that unresolved feelings still linger between you and your ex.

Moving On

My ex was the first to be in a new relationship. He started dating a woman from his work only a few weeks after I officially moved out of the family home.

Whilst this stung, I had to be realistic. Our connection had been broken for a long time, and I understood why he wanted to feel loved and special again.

His new partner did not cope well with our friendship at all. She constantly panicked that we would get back together, and my ex continually had to reassure her that this wouldn’t happen.

Once I entered a new relationship two years later, it allayed her fears a little. But now I was the one dealing with jealousy.

My new partner didn’t like that I had a good friendship with my ex-husband. He, too, was suspicious of how well we got along and took it to mean that our relationship could possibly rekindle again.

There is a misconception at times that if two people who were once together can still get along, there’s a chance they could try again.

In our case, we got along so well because we were no longer under the pressure of trying to make a relationship work.

If you’re navigating a new relationship after divorce, you may find yourself having to reassure your partner that there is no reason for them to worry.

Here are some ways to keep an amicable relationship with your ex-spouse while building a connection with someone new.

Be upfront and honest from the beginning

If you still want to spend as much time as a family after meeting someone, it pays to be honest from the beginning. It will cause more strain down the track if you try to present a different picture or omit to tell your partner how important it is to you.

I have had people I’ve dated pull out because they are uncomfortable with it. Although I was disappointed that someone I felt had potential was gone, I would prefer not to try to build a relationship with someone if they couldn’t cope with me still spending time with my ex on special occasions.

Understand and acknowledge their fears

While dealing with someone’s insecurities can be frustrating when you know deep in your heart that there’s no way you would ever go back to a relationship, it pays to try to view things from your new partner’s perspective as much as possible.

As with any form of empathy, it requires us to go deeper than the surface level and consider what fears are being triggered by your friendship with your ex.

Most insecurities stem from a fear of experiencing abandonment. Listen to your new partner carefully, and ensure they know you understand how they feel and why they may feel that way. In other words, don’t just brush it off because you feel like it’s all under control.

Be prepared to compromise

Ideally, you would have worked out your non-negotiables and desired level of time spent with your family before entering a new relationship. This is where talking to a divorce coach can be extremely helpful.

However, we don’t live in a perfectly planned out world most of the time, and you may be figuring these things out while in a new relationship.

If so, communicate with your partner about where you can compromise to help them feel more comfortable. They are an important part of the equation, and their thoughts and feelings need to be considered if you want a harmonious and fulfilling partnership.

Be realistic about the amount of work a new relationship takes

Relationships post-divorce are a whole different beast from what we’ve always known in the past. You really can’t underestimate how much more intentional effort is required.

Many more dynamics need to be taken into consideration:

  • Your children’s feelings
  • Your relationship with your ex-spouse
  • Your relationship with your current partner

Additionally, if your new partner has kids, you are now navigating your relationship with them as a step-parent while also dealing with your partner’s ex-spouse.

Phew!

That is a LOT of stakeholders. And somewhere in amongst all that, no less important, is your relationship with yourself. In fact, this one needs to be functioning at the highest level, or none of the other ones will be able to anyway.

If you know how much energy is required, you’ll be mentally prepared to tackle the inevitable discussions and negotiations needed to have a close relationship with your ex and kids, as well as nurture a connection with someone new.

Maintain boundaries

I want to mention setting and maintaining boundaries when advocating for yourself and your family time.

If you are in a healthy relationship with a mature, committed adult, you should be able to clearly communicate, negotiate, and come to a mutually beneficial situation.

If your new partner continues to get upset, demand that you explain, refuse to engage with your ex, or keep asking you to stop seeing your ex-spouse unless it’s an emergency, you may want to rethink the relationship.

I speak from experience. Even after trying to explain and compromise, my partner got more insecure as time passed and would pressure me to stop what I was doing. He would tell me it wasn’t normal and refused to join us in any family gatherings. This was five years after my divorce.

No amount of reassurance was going to be enough.

In this case, you have to make some decisions. There is no quality of life when you are in a constant push/pull of having to feel guilty when you want to spend time with your ex and children.

I know for me, it wasn’t worth it. I chose to end that relationship. I would rather be alone than with someone who can’t or won’t accept the level of closeness that I still want to have with my family.

It’s a personal decision; only you will know what balance is right for you, your family, and your new partner.

It’s important not to just wing it as you go. Take the time to sit down and reflect on how important it is to you and how you want it to look today, in a year’s time, and in the future when your kids are adults.

Takeaway

Starting a new relationship after divorce is a significant step towards personal growth and happiness. However, it’s essential to understand and prepare for the potential challenges that can arise, including jealousy and insecurity from your new partner.

By prioritising open communication, setting clear boundaries, and fostering trust, you can confidently walk the delicate line between having a fulfilling relationship with your new partner and maintaining a positive co-parenting relationship with your ex-spouse.

Read more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

You might be interested in

Every Chapter In Your Life Story Matters - Resist the Urge to Tear Out Those Pages
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Every Chapter In Your Life Story Matters – Resist the Urge to Tear Out Those Pages

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

Ever get the feeling you just want to rip out some of the chapters of your life?

Sometimes we can’t bear to look back and own some of the mistakes we’ve made.

For some reason, we seem to think we need to have all the answers to life figured out before we even start the journey. Can you imagine what a crazy notion this is, really?

As someone who taught children for fifteen years, I have learned some of my greatest lessons about failing and learning by seeing young kids struggle to grasp new concepts and then have a breakthrough.

I always told my students that it was ok to get things wrong because that’s how our brains learn and make new connections. And yet, I wasn’t giving myself the same compassion and grace within my classroom.

The classroom of life.

There are times when I reflect on my past and want to tear some pages out. Just erase them, and push the delete button.

It takes so much intention to let go of that desire. To be able to embrace the mistakes made as learning and to appreciate and find gratitude for actions I cringe over today.

My divorce was one of those times. When my mind sneaks back to some of the most painful memories I have of the last year of my marriage, I want to shut it all down. I used to do just that.

In the initial stages, it hurt far too much to acknowledge the shame, guilt and pain that I felt for the way things ended in my marriage.

I staved off these feelings by keeping constantly busy, drinking too much and entering new relationships. I waited for time to make things all better.

It wasn’t until I finally began to feel brave enough to start piecing the puzzle back together and taking the time to intentionally acknowledge, accept, forgive and let go of each individual memory that I began to feel true healing take place.

There were some things I had to forgive my ex for, and others I had to forgive myself for. Neither of us was perfect. Shock, horror!

We’ve all heard the proverb ‘Time heals all wounds’. When it comes to death, divorce and grieving, this is not true.

Time can dull the ache, make memories more hazy, absolutely. But the body keeps the score. Whatever you resist persists.

It may happen in the background, shrouded in the subconscious, and not coming to the forefront often, but it will stay there until it is dealt with properly and intentionally.

I’ve worked with many clients who have been divorced for over five years and are still trying to process aspects of their grief and loss. Even those in new relationships.

My true healing did not come until I had been divorced for six years. During that time, I was in a relationship with someone I thought I would be with for the rest of my life. When it ended, I had to deal with the pain of that relationship ending and the pain of my divorce, which I hadn’t been brave enough to face.

I realised, as I was going through that round of recovery and healing, how important it is not to avoid the pain of loss. As difficult and terrifying as it is to face, it is worth taking the time to properly heal because this is a golden opportunity to find the real lessons we are meant to learn from the end of a relationship.

Our stories are our stories.The happy parts, the sad parts, the traumatic parts. We can’t deny any of what makes us who we are in the present moment. The person who is reading these words right now. All of your experiences, triumphs, failures, and stumbles are part of what makes you who you are today.

Imagine a novel where the main character starts out perfectly, then the story ends perfectly, and nothing happens in between.

Yawn.

A good life story will have moments of adversity, sadness, embarrassment, poor choices, denial, and hopelessness. Then end with that character having pushed through the worst to become something better than they were at the start.

If you are open to it, your divorce can teach you so much.

So don’t rip those chapters out.

Sit down with your life story and reread those chapters. Find the lessons you need to learn so you can grow and become a better version of the person you were back then.

Read more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

You might be interested in

Finding Empathy For Your Ex After Divorce - Yes, it’s possible.
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Finding Empathy for your Ex After Divorce – Yes, It’s Possible.

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

Divorce brings out the ugliness in us.

No matter how hard we try not to let that happen, it’s inevitable.

One of the hardest things to do when going through a divorce is to find empathy for the person who is bringing up pain within us that is so strong, we barely recognise ourselves anymore.

As humans, we find it difficult to shift our lens from the one we view the world through to someone else’s. This is because we experience the world through an egocentric bias.

An egocentric bias causes people to rely too heavily on their own point of view when they look at the events in their life or try to see things from other people’s perspectives.

A good example of this is the frustration we feel if someone cuts us off when we’re driving. We don’t stop and think that maybe they’re desperate for a job and are running late for an interview. We just assume that they are arrogant assholes.

It’s worth challenging your egocentric bias during divorce because it can bring you peace and make the situation more amicable in the long run.

If you have children, this will directly benefit their emotional well-being. Try doing it for them if not for anyone else.

It feels impossible at first

In the very first stages of my separation, I found so many ways to blame my ex for what was happening to us and justify some of how I was behaving.

Looking back now, I know that I was in survival mode. It was a form of denial that kept me safe from the immeasurable hurt and shock that I was in.

Our bodies are in constant fight or flight mode when a significant relationship ends.

When you add children into the mix, the tension is even worse. You’re trying so hard to suppress the rage, anger and grief that sometimes wants to explode out of you in order to protect your kids.

Six months after our trial separation, my ex and I attempted to reconcile for the sake of our children. Neither of us was coping with our fears of an unknown future, playing on a constant loop in our heads.

During this time, I suffered a collapsed disc in my neck out of nowhere and could not get out of bed for an entire week.

This is a clear-cut example of how much strain we are under when we are trying not to let the most crippling of emotions get the better of us.

It’s the human condition to only think of our own pain and suffering when we’re going through trauma. Especially when we attribute that pain and trauma to someone else’s actions.

Even though it sounds crazy to be able to find empathy for someone else at this time, I want to try and open your mind a little to why this is important for your own emotional state and how you can reframe your thinking to be able to get there if it’s something you believe wouldn’t be possible for you.

Small disclaimer: Some people are emotionally abusive or have personality disorders. These people lack the ability to find empathy or see things from another’s perspective.

For the purpose of what I’m going to share today, I’m assuming that both you and your ex are capable of feeling empathy for each other.

Comparing the start to the end.

Can you remember the first few months of meeting your ex?

How did it feel?

What qualities did you see in them?

Something drew you to them and made you decide that you could spend the rest of your life with this person.

That’s a huge call.

Although it can be painful to do this, it’s helpful to cast your mind back and think of the good things you saw. And the caring things that you did for each other.

Now compare it to how you treated each other at the end of your marriage.

Very different, am I right?

People in extreme pain and grief act out in ways they didn’t think were possible.

If you’re being honest with yourself, I’m sure you can think of some things you said or did in the last stages of your marriage that were not your finest moments.

The first step in finding empathy for someone else is to take ownership and forgive ourselves for mistakes we may have made. It’s challenging to look at another person’s struggles when we haven’t done a sincere inventory of our part in the situation.

Forgiving the unforgivable

Sometimes there has been infidelity. Does this give you a licence to always be angry at your ex and never forgive?

Sure, if you want to stay stuck in pain and negativity.

If you’ve experienced infidelity, I want to share this quote by Esther Perel, a renowned psychotherapist known for her work on relationships and cheating.

“People cheat on each other in a hundred different ways: indifference, emotional neglect, contempt, lack of respect, years of refusal of intimacy. Cheating doesn’t begin to describe the ways that people let each other down.” – Esther Perel.

Even if you consider yourself to be a caring and supportive partner throughout the marriage, think of what emptiness had to have been inside your ex to feel they needed the validation or adrenaline rush of trying to seek attention outside of the relationship.

I will even challenge you one step further. Imagine the deep shame and failure your ex now has to work through, knowing that the actions they chose hurt someone else to the core.

Are you able to find empathy for someone going through that?

The above point is not to excuse infidelity. In a perfect world, your partner would come to you and explain what they weren’t getting from you before they resorted to finding it somewhere else, but the world is not perfect.

The point is this. No matter what caused the breakdown of your relationship, we are all imperfect and will all make mistakes.

Once we can begin to step outside of our own pain, we can start to see that our exes are going through their own life journeys.

Profound loss

Consider everything you are grieving the loss of after divorce;

  • family dynamics
  • mutual friendships
  • daily contact with your children
  • a life partner
  • plans for the later part of your life
  • in some cases, a home.

Your ex has also lost those things.

I doubt any parent could look at their kids going through a divorce and not feel extreme sadness. There will always be grief for your children’s pain after a divorce. Your ex is feeling this too.

Nobody gets married and dreamily pictures the day that they sign their divorce papers.

When we get married, we dream big. Your ex is having to let go of their dreams too.

You may be going through it on your own, but in so many ways, you are still going through something together.

You’re still a team

Fewer relationship dynamics are more challenging than that of co-parenting.

What other relationships have so many emotional and practical layers to them?

Although you are no longer the team in the way you used to be, you are still a team regardless. You have children to raise together, not as a couple but as two people who once loved each other and now have a new challenge ahead.

It doesn’t end when your kids leave school or child support payments end. You will both be there for your kids for the rest of your lives. Think graduations, relationships, breakups, and possibly, weddings and grandkids.

It’s worth everything it takes to be able to get to a place of being able to find peace within yourself about the way your relationship ended so that you can show up in your kids’ lives together without continuously having to dig deep to get through it.

Overcoming struggle

I understand all too well that this advice can be tough to get your head around when you’re in the first stages of divorce.

Often, people resist because they think they are letting their ex off the hook for unfair or unjust treatment.

As I often say, it’s not about your ex.

You’re letting yourself off the ‘emotional’ meat hook by being able to see the bigger picture of life’s twists, turns and inevitable challenges.

If you feel the need to blame or punish your ex for the way your marriage ended, ask yourself who is really suffering? Then ask yourself, who benefits if I am able to get to a place where I can give them some understanding for their own struggles?

Hint: It’s you and your kids.

Takeaway

Finding empathy for our exes is not something that comes naturally or easily for us when we are going through the gruelling journey of divorce and co-parenting.

Visualising your future as co-parents can be helpful when you get bogged down in day-to-day conflict with your ex.

If you struggle with this, you can reach out to a coach to help you work through feelings of animosity and reach for understanding when you feel pushed to your limits.

Ultimately, this is what is going to make the most positive difference to you and your kids’ lives as you move forward post-divorce.

Read more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

You might be interested in

I Just Want To Get Back To Normal: Why Divorce Is A Marathon Not A Sprint.
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I Just Want to Get Back to Normal: Why Divorce Recovery is a Marathon Not a Sprint

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

The Long Game of Divorce Recovery

My inspiration this week comes from an interesting conversation I recently had with a person on Twitter. He struggles with the fact that even after three years, he still battles daily with co-parenting and trying to heal from his divorce.

He has two children under ten and says communication with his ex usually ends in high conflict.

He told me, “I just want things to return to normal again”.

The thing about divorce that most people get blindsided by is how long it takes to feel better.

Yes, there are things you can do to distract yourself from the pain, like new relationships or new challenges in your career, taking up new hobbies.

Yet, divorce just seems to have a way of returning to the front and centre of your life in cycles.

After sharing some communication tips with my friend on Twitter, I started reflecting on how I was tracking at the three-year mark after my divorce.

The Sound of Silence

It’s those moments late at night that get you. You hop into bed after the busyness of the day, and then there is nothing else. In the stillness of the dark, the thoughts come.

Memories of the past that were good, memories that were painful. Ironically, even some of the happier memories can make you feel sad because you know you can never go back to those times.

Fears of the future can ramp up anxiety….Will I love again? Will my kids be ok? Is this new relationship really what I need? Should I have taken time to be alone?

These thoughts can come even several years down the track.

Extreme guilt plagued me for a very long time. I went through periods of feeling good because everything seemed to be working, but when the stresses of life and the inevitable bumps in the road hit me and the kids, it triggered the guilt I felt that I couldn’t keep my marriage together.

When I went through an excruciating breakup five years after my divorce, I felt as though I had wasted all that time in a new relationship, trying to prove to myself that I was lovable and could make it work with someone after all. When it ended, it was like confirmation that I was defective.

I experienced a new round of heartache that triggered all my old divorce grief and pain to come flooding back. It took a long time to recover, and I’m thankful every day that I’ve finally healed from both my marriage and my first relationship post-divorce.

I have spoken to many people who have been 3–5 years down the track from their divorces. They are incredulous that they can still be emotionally wiped out after feeling like they are making progress.

Here’s the thing, it’s not like a band-aid. One rip, and it’s all over.

Divorce is an ever-evolving entity.

It might be smooth sailing for a few months or even a year or so. Then all of a sudden, you could find yourself going through an emotionally stressful time.

One of your children might go through a milestone or transition and start acting out in ways that stress and confuse you. You may be dealing with an illness in the family, job stress, or financial worries.

If you find yourself more stressed or worried than usual about something that is happening with your kids, your career or extended family, this could impact your co-parenting relationship, and you may find it harder to get along with your ex-spouse.

You can start to see that divorce recovery is not just a question of how much time passes.

You’re dealing with many unknown variables. Your ex-spouse and all of their life’s decisions, your children and all of the changes and experiences they will go through over time, new relationships and possibly new children that add different dynamics to the family unit.

Even if you don’t have children, you may find that several years down the track, you miss your ex-spouse or wonder if things could have been different.

A Marathon vs A Sprint

The best way to prepare for this realisation is to view divorce recovery as a marathon rather than a sprint.

Training for a marathon requires a different type of game plan than training for a sprint.

Just as athletes prepare themselves for endurance events, so should you prepare yourself for the long game when it comes to divorce.

With divorce recovery, you need high levels of self-care and self-awareness to ensure that you have enough energy and emotional resilience to make it through whatever comes your way over the years.

The number one thing you can do to help yourself is to identify all the things you can control and then set goals around achieving them. (While at the same time giving yourself grace when things don’t go 100% right).

Once you identify those things you can control, you can work on letting go of all the things you can’t. Stress, anxiety and burnout all come from trying to control those things that are simply not in your control.

Let’s look at some things that you do have control over:

  • Your thoughts
  • Your reactions
  • The rules and expectations in your own household
  • How you communicate with your children
  • How you support your kids and provide for them
  • What sort of food your children eat
  • How you manage your finances
  • Your physical and mental well-being
  • Your coping strategies when you’re under stress

Now let’s look at the things you have no control over:

  • Rules and expectations at your ex’s house
  • What your ex says to your children
  • How your ex manages their finances
  • Who your ex chooses to be in a relationship with
  • What your kids eat or wear when they’re with your ex
  • Your ex’s ways of coping when they are under stress

You get the picture. These are of course not extensive lists, but it gives you an idea of where you may be expending your energy where it’s not doing you any good.

Seek Support

Letting go is not easy. It can invoke fear in us. It’s helpful to talk to someone who can guide you to identify what you need to focus on and find the strength to let go of what you have no power over.

It sounds daunting, but once you can get into the practice of only putting energy into the actions that support your well-being, your life becomes more manageable, co-parenting becomes more peaceful, and you can start to feel happy and ‘back to normal’ again.

I hope that wherever this post finds you, you are in a place of feeling strong and capable as you navigate your divorce recovery.

More articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

You might be interested in

Breaking Bad News: How To Tell People You're Getting Divorced
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Breaking Bad News: How To Tell People You’re Getting Divorced

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

Divorce is a deeply personal and life-altering decision; sharing this news with your family and friends can be terrifying.

It’s not just a case of taking a deep breath, saying it once and moving on. You have to say it several times over to a wide range of people.

However, honest and brave communication is crucial to maintaining healthy relationships and providing your loved ones with the support and understanding they need during this transition.

I remember living with the stress of knowing we needed to get the ball rolling on our separation, yet also dreading the conversations I knew I would have to have.

Here are some essential tips to help you navigate the process of informing your family and friends about your divorce with confidence, empathy and mindfulness.

Choose the Right Time and Setting to Talk About your Divorce

Choosing the right time and setting to have this conversation is vital. Consider finding a quiet, comfortable environment where everyone can focus and freely express themselves.

Avoid sharing the news during emotionally charged moments or important family events if you can.

Prepare Yourself Emotionally

Preparing yourself is crucial before sharing the news. Acknowledge that different family members will react in diverse ways.

Be ready for a range of emotions, from surprise and sadness to confusion and even anger. Build your own emotional resilience by reminding yourself that your decision is based on what is best for everyone’s emotional well-being in the long run.

Be Honest and Concise

When discussing your divorce, be honest and concise without going into excessive detail. Explain your decision without assigning blame or involving others in the reasons you are deciding to end the marriage.

Try not to fall into the trap of feeling as though you have to justify. Make peace with the fact that some people in your life may never truly understand your decision. It’s not your job to convince them that this choice is right for you and your family.

Focus on the positives that will come from ending a marriage that is not working and is taking an emotional toll on everyone. Emphasise that this decision was not taken lightly and was made in all parties’ best interests.

Express Empathy and Understanding

Recognise that your loved ones may experience various emotions in response to your news. Offer empathy and understanding as they process the information and allow them to express their feelings.

Encourage open communication and actively listen to their concerns and questions without becoming defensive. Remember, they are grappling with their own emotions and may need time to adjust to the changes.

Reassurance is Important

Although it might seem odd that you have to support your family members when you are the one who is going through emotional hell, you have to be mindful of the fact that it’s highly likely you’ve had a lot more time to get your head around this happening than they have.

I was taken aback when I told my nephew and his girlfriend about our separation, and they both started to cry. I ended up having to comfort them. I wasn’t expecting it, and it made me feel awful that I’d made them feel that way.

Assure your family and friends that your decision to divorce does not diminish your love and care for them. Let them know that you will continue to be a part of their lives. Change can be worrying, and your friends and family want to know that some things won’t change.

Dig Deep When They Make Mistakes

Friends, family, co-workers, neighbours. Everyone has something to say when you let them know that your marriage is ending.

Some will murmur sympathetically. Some will tell you all about their sister’s friend’s daughter’s niece who got divorced (Fun!). Some will put a knife through your heart with flippant comments without realising it.

One acquaintance of mine looked at me like she was going to fall down to her knees and said, ‘What about the kids??!!’.

I needed that like a hole in the head.

I had to breathe through many conversations and try to find understanding and forgiveness when I wanted to tell them all to shut up and mind their own business.

Telling people is a necessary part of the process. Dig deep when well-meaning people say stupid things.

Maintain Boundaries and Privacy

While it’s essential to communicate openly with your family and friends, remember that certain aspects of your divorce are personal and private.

Establish boundaries regarding what you’re comfortable sharing and ensure that your loved ones understand and respect your need for privacy.

It’s okay to set limits and redirect conversations when they become too intrusive or uncomfortable.

Simply state, “That’s all I’m ready to talk about at the moment”. End of story.

Final Thoughts – Telling Your Loved Ones About Divorce

Telling family and friends about your divorce is a significant step in facing the reality of your marriage ending.

It’s challenging when you have to have a difficult conversation many times over. You can make it easier on yourself by being prepared with an ‘elevator speech’ ready to go and by being assertive when you want to end the conversation for now.

Remember, your decision to pursue a divorce is about prioritising your happiness and creating a healthier future. Stay true to yourself, seek support when needed, and approach the process with compassion for both yourself and your loved ones.

Discover more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

You might be interested in

Is it a rebound? - Get clear before you date again after divorce.
Photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash.
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Is It a Rebound? – Get Clear Before you Date Again After Divorce

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

“Make peace with solitude.” — Eckhart Tolle

Fifteen years.

That’s how long it had been since I was single when my marriage ended. No wonder I had to ask myself the question –

“Who the hell am I now that I’m on my own?”.

Being single again after a long-term relationship or marriage ends is an extremely disorientating feeling. At times, it’s almost as if you don’t recognise yourself.

When my marriage ended, I had to sit with the broken pieces of myself, wondering where to from here. Sometimes, the silence was deafening.

Our custody schedule was 50/50, week on and week off. So every second week, I had to come home from work and do the slow walk around the house. Peering into my kids’ bedrooms and feeling like a complete failure.

All my negative self-talk would rain down on my head.

Guilt.

Loneliness.

Uncertainty.

Self-doubt.

In the early days, it wasn’t unusual for me to spend some time in the hallway crying and trying not to fall apart entirely.

I didn’t know how to be single. I didn’t know how to be alone.

Before my marriage, I’d had long periods of being single, which wasn’t a big deal. I had many friends I could catch up with, or I lived with roommates who provided company.

Divorce is so different because you go from years of having a house full of noise and kids to absolute nothingness. Most of your friends are still married or in new relationships.

Initially, you’re emotionally raw, so trying to socialise with the people you used to see as a couple can trigger feelings of shame that you weren’t able to hold your family together while they were.

Often, this is when people start to think about meeting someone else. It feels like the cure for feelings of loneliness and despair. Many of us believe that being in a new relationship is the natural next step after one ends.

But there’s a risk you take when you try to date too soon after a significant relationship ends; beware of the rebound!

What defines a ‘rebound’ relationship?

Rebound relationships are built on a foundation of neediness rather than genuine connection. When you’re going through a divorce, you are still reeling from the emotional upheaval, and the need for companionship can be overwhelming.

Rebound relationships are a way of masking pain. They relieve the overwhelming loneliness that blindsides us after being in a partnership for so long.

These feelings can drive you into a relationship for the wrong reasons rather than an honest desire to begin building a solid and healthy relationship based on mutual love and respect.

The problem with rebounds is that they are only temporary relief.

Imagine if you broke your leg and someone offered you morphine but didn’t set the broken bone back in place.

You’d feel good while you’re on the morphine, but once it wears off, the pain of your broken leg is still there. Only it’s worse because you haven’t correctly set it.

It’s similar when you try to mask loneliness and a fear of being alone by entering a relationship without truly knowing what you want or, more importantly, what you’re realistically able to offer someone.

This doesn’t mean that you can’t entertain the idea of dating again. But to keep yourself and others safe from more emotional chaos, you should be clear about what you’re prepared to give someone.

Don’t jump in without being honest with yourself and the person (people?) you are dating about what you are ready to give and receive.

Honesty is important

If you only want a physical relationship, being upfront is ok. When I was first divorced, it was music to my ears when I dated someone who told me he wasn’t looking for anything serious because I knew that I wasn’t in a position to make a serious commitment either.

We both agreed that it was only casual, and when we parted ways a few months later, we maintained a friendship.

You may hold back from being honest with someone because you think that they’ll reject you or because you don’t want to hurt their feelings by admitting that you only see them being in your life for the short term.

However, being upfront allows you to see if they have the same reasons for dating as you do. If they don’t, trust me, it’s much better than trying to extricate yourself from an awkward situation further down the track.

Not only that but if you aren’t upfront and that person is triggered emotionally by feelings of rejection, it can turn bad quickly.

This happened to a good friend of mine a few years ago. He was dating a woman he considered casual, although they’d never talked about what they were to each other. In the meantime, he was still talking to other women on a dating app.

One evening she saw a message come up on his phone from another woman, and she accused him of ‘cheating’. She took his cell phone and bit it so hard that the screen cracked. He eventually had to call the police because she refused to leave his house.

Yes, this is an extreme case. But it highlights how indecision and miscommunication can put you in an emotionally charged situation. By being clear with the people you are dating, you are avoiding putting yourself in a position that you may not be ready to deal with.

Suppose your relationship has ended within the last two years. In that case, the chances are high that you are still carrying a lot of unresolved feelings and thoughts about your experience, which could impact the quality of the relationship you’re trying to create now.

Two years is obviously not a timeline that is set in stone. Some people will take less time to heal, and others will take more.

In the two years after my divorce, I unintentionally used someone as a rebound and ended up being someone else’s rebound.

Both felt really bad.

I felt guilty when I had to end the first one and completely heartbroken when I realized the second one had used me. That one took a very long time to get over, putting my recovery back by years.

Takeaway

In an ideal world, we would all be equipped to face our solitude and loneliness without reaching for others to try and take away our pain and discomfort.

The reality is that most of us will want to connect with someone else and date again before we feel genuinely sure about the type of commitment we want.

You can avoid the pitfalls of ending up in an unhealthy relationship by being intentional and mindful about what you are looking for. Take some time to reflect on what you hope to gain by entering into another relationship.

Write down in detail what you want before you put yourself out there. Casual? Committed? Purely physical? Friends only? Anything is on the table as long as you’re being honest with yourself.

Get clear before you go out there, and you can protect yourself from the trap of a time-consuming and painful rebound.

Read more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

You might be interested in

Divorce Can Bring Gratitude - Here's What It Taught Me
Photo by Gabrielle Henderson on Unsplash.
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Divorce Can Bring Gratitude – Here’s What It Taught Me

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

“Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change.” — Dr Wayne Dyer

Life is about learning lessons. We are all just living in one giant university, all of us choosing our own areas of study through the choices we make.

We all have entirely different teachers, starting with our parents and families, then our friendships and, later, our love relationships. When you begin to view life as a lifelong classroom, you start to see all of your experiences through a different lens.

Life Lessons From My Divorce

Divorce taught me some of life’s hardest lessons, but I am grateful for them now that I am looking back.

These lessons can only be learnt after the fullness of time. My hope is that you will be able to use some of this to anchor yourself in the coming months and years if you are experiencing the end of your relationship.

Let’s dive in.

Nobody can escape impermanence

Impermanence is the realisation that the things we think will always be there and take for granted can be gone one day. When I signed the papers on my wedding day, I was sure I would be in a loving relationship for the rest of my life. Divorce hit me like a truck and made me question everything else.

If this could be over, what else could be over?

While this is a sobering realisation, it is an essential life lesson because impermanence affects every single person at some point: death, job losses, natural disasters, illness. Nothing is forever.

By knowing and accepting that, rather than denying anything so painful could happen, we set ourselves up to face the inevitable adversity of life with an inner confidence and strength that will get us through our darkest times.

Love does not conquer all

When I was in the first years of marriage, I truly believed that no matter what came our way, our love for each other would be strong enough to survive all of life’s challenges.

It was a profoundly sad feeling to realise that this wasn’t true. Love does not conquer all. Relationships are dynamic entities that evolve and change, sometimes out of our control.

There are no guarantees that you will grow in the same direction. You can’t control another person, so it’s naive to think that you will always be able to make a relationship work if you put in enough effort.

In the words of the Don Henley song, ‘Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough’.

People change in fundamental ways over time

In my twenties and thirties, I genuinely believed that who I was and who other people were was set in concrete.

Sure, I could change jobs, interests, political ideals or friendship groups, but I never understood how much people can change fundamentally back then. When two people change in opposite ways over many years, it’s not the same two who entered the relationship anymore.

This is what happened with my ex-husband and I. When I look at us both now, we are polar opposites of the people who looked at each other and made vows on our wedding day. We know that if we were to meet today, we wouldn’t be drawn to each other; we are just too different at the core.

I have a shadow self

The term ‘shadow self’ was coined by psychoanalyst Carl Jung to describe the parts of our personality that we hide because we find them unacceptable. You can find out more by reading this article by Andrea M. Darcy.

Separation showed me that after living with emotional stress for years, you have no idea what you’re capable of when you hit rock bottom. When past pain and trauma come out, you think and act in ways you barely recognise.

Just admitting that I didn’t want to be married anymore was a massive blow to my beliefs about my identity. I started to see myself as a failure and someone capable of inflicting pain on others. I couldn’t bear admitting that about myself.

However, this realisation has helped me accept myself as a whole person, flaws and all. I am much more forgiving of myself today. The flow-on effect is that I am more accepting and forgiving of humanity as a whole. This new mindset has given me a level of inner peace that I never thought was possible.

Realising that my ex-husband has a shadow too

When I married him, I thought he was the kindest, most caring and loyal person in the world. As it became apparent that he wasn’t always kind, didn’t always have my best interests at heart, and could see himself living without me in his life (in other words, he was human), I experienced the most significant blow of all.

It sounds dramatic, but it felt like I was living with a complete stranger in the last months before we separated. Many things I thought I knew about him turned out to be wrong. I had to accept that fact, and he had to accept the same about me.

People are judgemental

Given that the global divorce rate is still high, you would think that divorce stigma would have lifted a lot more than it has. It’s incredible how often people make flippant comments about divorced families that cut you to the core.

Now that my kids are in their teens, I see how they are happy and thriving compared to many of their friends whose parents are still married.

Having divorced parents does not make kids destined to have trouble later in life, and that’s something I will never shut up about because it causes so much anxiety in new co-parents.

If this happens to me now, I let it go immediately. Anyone who judges me for going through a divorce lacks the ability to view the world from any perspective except their own, and who cares what someone that narrow-minded thinks?

The true meaning of being alone after divorce

I love having time to myself; I’m a person who recharges by having time alone. But nothing prepares you for the loneliness of not having a partner to share life with.

In the first year after a divorce, I shifted into autopilot, almost running on adrenaline most of the time. There was a sense of relief that the stress of living in a dying relationship was finally over.

After that first year, though, when I started to ‘do life’ on my own, I began feeling intense loneliness and isolation. These uncomfortable feelings were my primary motivation for wanting to create a new relationship, which ended up being toxic and unhealthy.

It was great at the beginning when I didn’t have to deal with being lonely, but after the honeymoon period ended, all the dysfunction started to rear its head.

Three years later, I was back to square one — still, nobody to talk to and more grief to deal with. I’m determined not to do that to myself again, so I’m choosing to stay ‘single on purpose’ until I’m ready to find a partner for the right reasons, not just a distraction for bouts of loneliness.

Friends have limited bandwidth for my heartache

After divorce, friendships can go quiet. A few months into my struggles, I realised my friends had busy lives and little time to talk to me when I felt down.

Initially, I was hurt by this, but looking back now, I can see it was the ‘Nobody Can Save You’ module of life. The emotional journey of recovery from grief and loss is yours alone. Your friends love you but can’t do it for you, even if they want to.

I’m particularly grateful for this lesson as it helped me rediscover my love of journaling and writing to deal with times when I feel lonely or sad. I learnt that I have more strength and resilience than I gave myself credit for and that I don’t need anyone to rescue me.

Takeaway

It’s helpful to see your divorce as a graduation from the university of life. Nobody wants to go through all of life’s brutal lessons, but if we think we can get out of here without living through some serious pain, we are fooling ourselves.

It’s totally up to us how we want to work through the pain of recovery and come out the other side. No matter how much we feel like circumstances are stacked against us, we have the power to decide.

My greatest personal achievement is feeling emotionally equipped for whatever comes my way. By accepting impermanence and creating strategies to deal with it, my life has now become something I can face head-on, and I feel confident that no matter what comes my way, I can get myself through it.

For this, I am grateful.

Read more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

You might be interested in

Five Ways Co-Parents Can Improve Their Communication
Photo by taylor hernandez on Unsplash.

Five Ways Co-Parents Can Improve Their Communication

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

Reduce your stress levels and work as a high functioning team.

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

– H.Jackson Brown Jr

My ex-husband was the poster boy for staying cool, calm, and collected. It always seemed like nothing could rattle him. In fifteen years of knowing him, I’d only ever seen him really angry once.

In fact, he used to tell me that I had a temper and would belittle me if I ever got angry or upset. That’s the way they were in his family. It wasn’t acceptable to show anything other than a polite smile.

So when I saw him completely lose control and throw a bowl through our bay window during the last months of our marriage, I was shocked.

It highlighted to me just how much stress the end of a relationship will put people under, even those who are very good at hiding their emotions.

Conflict is inevitable when you’re going through a separation, especially when you throw co-parenting into the mix. Our ex knows us inside and out, and they know exactly how to trigger the hurt in us, whether intentionally or by accident.

Nothing brings out our stress and fear more than the thought that our kids might be caught in the middle of something that isn’t good for their emotional well-being.

If your marriage is ending, there’s a high chance you were experiencing a communication breakdown and could not make each other see what you needed. With separation and co-parenting, the need to become a better communicator is even more critical.

Each couple is unique in terms of their communication skills. There may be one person who is level-headed and can keep their cool. One of you may find it easier to rise above the need to be right over keeping the peace.

Whatever you’re dealing with, wherever you are starting from, there is always room to improve your communication skills and make it easier on yourself, your kids, and your ex-spouse.

The primary goal of any communication should be to hear what your ex is saying and find outcomes that are in the best interests of everyone, including you.

Making sacrifices shouldn’t fall on the shoulders of one person. It’s a team effort.

Why is good communication so important?

Think about it. Once you separate from your spouse, you are now in a working relationship. The role is to parent your children the best way that you can.

Imagine a workplace where the employees didn’t talk, or they started getting upset or yelling every time they spoke. They’d be unlikely to produce good ‘results’. In this case, confident, settled children.

If you’re wanting to improve communication with your ex-spouse, here are five ways you can make working together more effective:

  1. Choose your timing

Fatigue is the enemy of good communication. Effective communication requires a lot of brain power, and emotional energy saps our bodies. If you feel exhausted after an intense talk, you’re not alone. It’s completely normal to feel that way.

I remember when my ex-husband and I went to couples therapy, and I would come out feeling absolutely drained. Just the look on his face made me want to crawl into bed and sleep for days.

Talking about things your partner may not receive well takes a lot of energy. Ditto having to hear some harsh truths from their end as well.

There are always good and bad times to try and have a challenging conversation. If you’ve just walked in the door from a hard day at work or been struggling with one of your kids about something, that’s not the best time to contact your ex.

If you’ve been out the night before and are feeling worse for wear, I would avoid all contact with your ex under those circumstances if possible.

  1. Put the phone down

These days most communication is done through instant messaging or texting. The issue with this is an immediate response is right at our fingertips. The fingers fly when we are feeling attacked, hurt, or self-righteous.

Arguing through texts is never a great idea. Context can very quickly get lost, and reactions are instant.

If you find yourself emotionally triggered by something you’ve read in a text, try putting your phone down and walking away. Find something you can do for 15–30 minutes. Set a timer on your phone, and commit to not responding until the timer has gone off.

  1. Is it urgent?

Ask yourself if you need to respond immediately. Many times we react to something purely because someone has sent us something. We don’t stop to ask ourselves, ‘Do I need to answer this text/email/voice message straight away?’.

If not, give yourself time to mull over the message and how you would like to respond.

  1. Speak quietly

There is power in speaking quietly. Your instinct might be to raise your voice when you feel like you aren’t being heard. It feels counter-intuitive, but talking loudly reduces the chances that you’ll get your point across effectively.

Once you start to raise your voice during a discussion, you have lost the willingness of your audience to listen. All your ex hears is someone yelling at them, and their cortisol levels rise. When cortisol increases, the brain loses the ability to process what is being heard properly.

When you think of it that way, you realize that yelling is pointless.

If you get to a point where you feel like you have to raise your voice to be heard, take a time out. Reschedule the conversation for another time.

  1. Use digital communication

Face-to-face interactions can be far more challenging than digital communication. Each mode has pros and cons.

However, the main benefit of emailing is that you get to take stock and think about your reply before sending it. You can then re-read your writing and tweak it if you need to. Take out any unnecessary information and stick solely to the subject.

Take things one day at a time

Treat each interaction like a data-gathering exercise in the first months of co-parenting. Learn what methods of communication work best for you and for your ex-spouse. Make it a priority to become a co-parent who can be an open, curious team player.

There will always be those times when Murphy’s Law kicks in, and anything that can go wrong will go wrong. You’ll find yourself in a conversation that ambushes you out of nowhere and end up in an argument.

This happened to me recently after ten years of great communication. My ex and I started to disagree about holiday plans for the kids over text. I told him that I would give him a call in an hour to talk about it in person.

When I got hold of him, he had calmed down and we managed to sort it out rationally without arguing.

In the past, I would have entered into a back-and-forth with my own reasons about why I felt I was right, but these days I trust my ability to stay calm and talk it through assertively. I can hear my ex out and, at the same time, stand my ground where I need to.

It’s a delicate balance and one that comes with time and practice.

Takeaway

Quality communication is an essential part of successful co-parenting. Learning effective ways to interact with your ex strengthens the working relationship and reduces your stress levels.

Less stress means you’ll be able to function at a higher level and show up consistently for your kids, career, friends, and family, and most importantly, yourself.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

You might be interested in

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