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When children of divorce become caregivers.
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When Children of Divorce Become Caregivers

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Soila Sindiyo
Psychologist and Founding Editor
The Divorce Magazine

I often say that it’s ok for children of divorce or separation to see you upset, distressed, and crying when going through the process.

It is important for them to know that you too are hurting because by knowing this and by showing your emotions, you are inadvertently giving them permission to feel the pain and hurt that the divorce process gives rise to and just to show them that you are indeed human after all.

It’s usually very difficult for children of divorce, especially a sensitive one, to watch their parent fall apart and not do anything about it or feel that they are somehow responsible for the sadness or breakdown. They will very often do their best to rectify the situation by taking care of you, in the best way that they know; asking you if you’re all right, if they can get you something or do something to make you feel better.

This is a very normal reaction to a specific situation but allow it to become the norm or go on for too long and you’re changing your child’s life trajectory. When a child becomes a caregiver they become your advisor, your mentor, the person looking after you. This set-up is definitely not conducive to helping children cope with divorce.

When a parent makes a statement like, “Sophia takes care of me. She doesn’t like to see me sad and will sometimes just come and put her arms around to make me feel better,” the first question that comes to my mind is, “And whom does Sophia turn to? What does Kimani do with his own feelings and thoughts of fear, confusion, and loss?

The answer to this is most likely that they suppress them or blocks them because there is nowhere else to take them. There is no adult container for their adverse and undesirable thoughts and feelings.

“When a child turned caregiver tries to attend to her own needs and wishes, she feels guilty and undeserving…When a child forfeits her childhood and adolescence to take on responsibilities for a parent, her capacity to enjoy her life as a young person, develop close friendships and cultivate shared interests is sacrificed…it is an overburdening that seriously inhibits the child’s freedom to separate normally and to lead a healthy adolescence…”[1]

So, it is okay for your child to see you cry, be distressed, and upset because fact is that the divorce process is a difficult journey for all to be on.

It is beneficial and advantageous for them to know that you are hurting too but, hard as it maybe, we need to continue being the parents and the adults in the room, the container and processor of your child’s feelings of anxiety, fear and confusion in seeing the family unit he once knew disintegrate into something unfamiliar and foreign.

[1] Wallerstein, J., Lewis, J., and Blakeslee, S.,(2002), ‘The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study.’

Read more articles by Soila

About Soila

 Soila is a child development psychologist and the founding editor of The Divorce Magazine. She is known for easing the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and has been working with children and families for almost two decades

Soila holds a BSc (Hons) in psychology from the Open University and an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London). She is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and very recently completed her professional doctoral training in Counselling Psychology and is awaiting registration.

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biggest and most frequent mistakes in divorce
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Children and Divorce – Biggest Most Frequent Mistakes in Divorce

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In this article, I would like to look at some common and most frequent mistakes couples going through divorce and separation make vis-à-vis their children:

Using child as a messenger, mediator or spy.

The sad thing is, when you engage in any of these activities, your child knows what you are doing.  They may not know the reason behind your actions but they are aware that you are trying to gain information from them about the other parent.

This does not help your child cope with your divorce at all.  All it does it put them in a very awkward, difficult and challenging position which in turn affects their own wellbeing.

Transference of feelings

The saddest story I ever heard was of a 5 year old who arrived home after a day out with her mother, she was wearing brand new shoes and couldn’t wait to show them to her father.  However, as soon as dad opened the door, and she proudly exclaimed, “Look at my feet!”, Dad firmly asked her to take the shoes off, picked them up and put them in the bin.  His anger and resentment towards his ex-wife, had just been transferred to his child.

Using your child for companionship/support.

There are parents who tend to make their child their “best friend” and lean on him or her for emotional support whilst discussing all kinds of adult issues with them.  These children know when the divorce hearing is, how much maintenance mum or dad gets, what the other parent was like during the marriage, what the other parent is planning on doing etc.  Simply put, these children get dragged into adult matters and more often than not, the parent or parents practicing this behaviour will explain it away as, “I think they just need to tell the truth.”  No it isn’t.  That benefits you, not your child.

Parenting from guilt

“I just think that she has been through so much with the divorce and separation, that I let her get away with it.”  This is a statement that I have heard many a time.  Parenting from guilt is a recipe for huge parenting issues later.  Helping children cope with divorce and separation, means maintaining their regular routines and structures as much as possible, that includes family rules that existed prior to the divorce.   If they were working then, they will work now.  Moving goal posts and boundaries, only creates a sense of unfamiliarity, something that the divorce has already brought on firmly, which in turn creates a sense of insecurity.  The more familiar the environment, rules and boundaries, the better for the children.

Forcing your child to choose sides

You will be amazed how often this happens.  But you will be even more interested in knowing that  getting children to choose sides is often more subtly done than posing a direct question e.g. “Who do you want to live with?  Mummy or daddy?”  It’s more “discreet” than this; “Your dad’s on the phone, do you want to speak with him?”  “You’re mum’s arrived late to pick you up, do you still want to go?”

If you have read any of my previous articles, you will see that I often say that divorce will always be a watershed moment for your child but what can be even more impactful and long lasting, is the way you, as the parents, handle their life after divorce and separation.

Click here for more articles by Soila

ABOUT SOILA

Soila is a Child Development Psychologist, accredited Triple P (Positive Parenting Program) parenting practitioner, Certified Trauma Specialist and trained Family Mediator.  She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.

Soila is a member of Resolution and a graduate member of the British Psychological Society.

Soila is the founder of  The Divorce Magazine.

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Children and Parental Conflict - Nine Changes to Watch Out For in Your Children

Children and Parental Conflict – Nine Changes to Watch Out For in Your Children

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Conflict is a normal part of family life, be it in intact families or those that live separately. What matters is how parents handle and resolve conflict.

Whether you are living together or not, if your children are witnessing and living with continuous parental conflict, then there is a pretty good chance that this situation is affecting them in various ways.

You are your child fiduciary, it is to you that they look to for guidance and protection especially when the conditions in which they live are unpredictable, rocky and uncertain.

These situations breed insecurity, anxiety and high levels of angst which in turn affect how they think, feel and behave.

If parental conflict is persistent, your child’s behaviour is likely to change, so here are some indications that they are indeed being affected by the animosity and discord.

• Behavioural problems: perhaps the most common, most noticeable change and can include but not limited to aggression and disruptive behaviour. Children will often express stress and the lack of adequate support through behaviour as opposed to words.

• Your child is quick to anger!

• Sleep disturbances. Your child is finding it difficult to fall sleep or remain asleep through the night whereas this was not the case before. You may also find that, depending on your child’s age, he or she is sleeping more than usual and finds it difficult to get up.

• Psychosomatic symptoms. Your child maybe suffering from physical pain (stomach aches and headaches being the most common) which has no apparent medical basis. The pain is very real to him/her. This could be caused by the stressful situation in which they live.

• Underachievement at school and getting into trouble. This could be down to your child’s inability to concentrate and focus as he or she is preoccupied by the conflict and tension in his/her home

• Low self-esteem and/or is exceedingly self-critical.

• There is regression. Your child is now showing behaviour more consistent with his/her younger self; behaviours that they had outgrown but have now reverted back to – may include bed wetting for instance.

• Where your child is no longer interested in things that she/he used to enjoy doing or participating in.

• Your child has increased fears such as fear of the dark or might become very clingy towards one parent for fear of losing him or her too (in the case of divorce).

• Your child’s eating habits have changed. There maybe an noticeable increase or decrease.

We, as adults and as parents, can and do at times underestimate children’s capacity to understand feelings and relationships. Speaking with them and answering their questions as much as possible can go a long way in helping them deal with the situation.

Also, and this may sound odd, giving them permission to speak with you or someone they trust can also open doors for communication to happen spontaneously hence avoiding a whole lot of problems down the line. Just letting them know it’s ok and letting them see that you, as the parent, can handle and contain their fears, worries and anxieties allows them to come to you.

ABOUT SOILA

Soila is a Child Development Psychologist, accredited Triple P (Positive Parenting Program) parenting practitioner, Certified Trauma Specialist and trained Family Mediator.  She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.

Soila is a member of Resolution and a graduate member of the British Psychological Society.

Soila is the founder of The Davis Centre and The Divorce Magazine.

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Suzy Miller - The Divorce Strategist

Suzy Miller – The Divorce Strategist

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Suzy Miller
Divorce Strategist

The Divorce Magazine met up with Divorce Strategist, Suzy Miller to find out how she can help couples going through the divorce process as well as cohabiting couples going through separation.

This is what Suzy told us about her role, her job and how she helps.

I am a Divorce Strategist who helps to prepare people who are divorcing for a more peaceful journey through divorce.

I am independent – I am not a lawyer, not a mediator (though I am an affiliate member of the Family Mediator’s Association) – but I know who you need to talk to when divorcing to stay on a peaceful path, and when is the best time to talk to those experts.

Quite simply, my mission is to inspire and empower parents to co-parent without conflict during or after family breakup by making sure they create a strategy that will be win-win for the whole family.

I’m your ‘travel guide’ through divorce – helping you to create your own Divorce Strategy.

Because I am on the co-parenting journey myself, and I want to share what I’m learning from the many experts I speak to, it’s important to me to bust some myths (like “mediation only works for divorcing parents who “get on well” – when actually it can work for adversarial couples too), and I take clients on a journey that is a bit like going up in a balloon and traveling over the landscape of divorce, looking down and understanding just how toxic the family law system can be, and what strategies you need to protect yourself – and your family.

I do not believe in broken families. What we evolve into during divorce are extended families.

I am able to enlighten people on how to save at least £65,000 on their divorce, and who they need to be guided towards to provide the best support for their financial decisions, and for their children (eg. parenting experts like Soila!).

I receive referrals from mediators for people they cannot yet work with – because they are not in a good space for mediation to have a chance of success.

The work that I do gets them ready to access mediation with confidence and understanding the full strategic benefits of sticking to a peaceful route through divorce, and I steer them back (when they are ready) to the professional who originally referred them.

Because the time-lag can be large if that referral takes ages to contact me, I provide affiliate links to make sure I know where each client has come from.

How are you different from a divorce coach?

Well, I’ve observed very successful divorce coaches during their workshops and what I have that they don’t, is clarity on who does what.

At a workshop I was witnessing last year there was a point where the attendees where quite confused, asking questions like: “What does a financial planner do? Doesn’t the lawyer deal with all the financial stuff?” … and: “Isn’t mediation fluffy?” … and: “What is Collaborative Law anyway?”

I am the person who understands how the jigsaw of divorce can be put together in a different way, through empowering the divorcing person (or couple) to understand who they need to talk to, and when, to get the best outcome.

The reason this is important is because the impact of that knowledge can have a powerfully beneficial affect on their children.

This is why my Divorce Strategy Sessions are 100% refundable at the end of the session.

That might seem crazy, but I provide all the information I can during our session and if the divorce is fairly straightforward and the person is happy to take action on their own, with the information they have, then that’s all they need.

It is only if they choose to have a further session and benefit from other support structures that I’ve created, then they can choose not to have their initial payment refunded.  It’s entirely up to them.

That way I know no-one needs to miss out on information that could change the course of their divorce – not just financially, but psychologically as well.

Every family has the right to a peaceful divorce.  That doesn’t mean easy, or without anger or pain (I don’t have a magic wand!).

But to have the ability to rise above such a traumatic and challenging aspect of family life, and look down as you float past and see it all in a different way – that for me is my core role.

And in practical terms, my ambition is to continue to help families access dispute resolution who otherwise may have to be turned away as ‘not suitable’, when in fact, what they need to ‘be suitable’, is a different way of looking at their situation.

I use coaching techniques but my focus is very pragmatic – making sure they understand the process and have realistic expectations.

Many divorce coaches don’t have the network of expertise that I have to tap into and share with my clients, because I’ve also created an Alternative Divorce Directory to gather together professionals in a wide range of disciplines.

But I value the role of divorce coaches highly, which is why I include them on my Alternative Divorce Directory and refer clients to them.

I have collaborated with the MOJ in promoting dispute resolution, am an affiliate member of the Family Mediators’ Association, have written for the Daily Mail and been featured in many national magazines and appeared on BBC Breakfast TV, Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour and C5’s The Vanessa Show.

I also have a talk that is a little ‘raw’ in nature, but I’m keen to be real with people about why I do what I do, sharing my own story. 

It all sounds really interesting but how do you work with Divorce Professionals or do you work with them?

If any divorce professionals would like to make my Divorce Strategy services (effectively free to clients as they have a fully refundable deposit) available to their clients, they can access an affiliate link here

For divorcing people who want to access my service direct, and are scared of the cost and the emotional upheaval of divorce – and need a strategy that’s fully refundable – then there is more information here: Family Life Resilience

 

“Peace is my weapon of choice”

Click here for articles that Suzy Miller has shared with The Divorce Magazine

To find out more about Suzy:

07525 059 634

www.AlternativeDivorceDirectory.co.uk

linkedin.com/in/startoversuzy

@StartOverSuzy

@sosDivorce

 

Photo by Zoriana Stakhniv on Unsplash

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What are the Effects of Divorce on Children

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Parenting Practitioner
Founding Editor
The Divorce Magazine

Every divorce presents a turning point in a child’s life no matter the age.

The world as they know it changes and becomes another place that, temporarily or otherwise, is perceived as unstable, uncertain and even ugly.

For the parents, the bottom line is that a “failed” marriage leads to other losses: loss of financial stability, assets (e.g. the family home), loss of the future they had once planned for.

For the child, it’s a huge bag of losses too as, aside from the family unit they once knew, the repercussions of their parents’ divorce can continue for years.

The effects of divorce on your child’s entire being can span from mild to acute. And when we speak of ‘mild’ we mean a reaction that is so mild that you may miss it and it’s only when someone else points it out to you that you realise that yes, indeed there has been a change or an impact.

The impact of divorce on children can also range from short-term to long-term.

I recall hearing a man being interviewed on the radio, stating that his parents’ divorce was the most difficult time in his life, despite the fact that he had lost his mother, whom he loved dearly, just a couple of years prior to the interview. The effects of his parents’ divorce, he said, were still with him mainly because of the way his parents treated one another post-divorce.

  • Children from the same family may be affected differently by the experience of your divorce
  • None of the effects apply to all children of divorce. Some may be more common than others, while others quite rare
  • No child has ever suffered from all the effects of divorce.

There is, for instance, the fact that the children have seen their parents go from being married and living together to breaking up, living separately and perhaps even getting involved in more frequent and intense arguments.

The children witness the changes that occur in their parents too: their desperation, their crying and their anger. They get to see a side of their parents they probably didn’t know existed before.

They also have to learn how to live without the continuous presence of one parent while they live with the other. A vacuum and void have been created in their daily lives.

“In the personal history of the boy or girl, parental divorce is a watershed event. Life that follows is significantly changed from how life was before.”

-Dr Carl Pickhardt

Here’s a brief summary of some of the effects of divorce on children aged up to 9 and those aged 9 – 13 years.

 

Up to 9 From 9–13
As family is still very much the focus of their lives – both social and in the home – there may be more need for parental care, e.g. crying at bedtimes, more clinginess than usual, and an increase in or re-emergence of tantrums With your 9+ child you may notice an almost sudden rush to independence, greater self-sufficiency, a need to spend more time with friends and others outside the family, and taking care of his own needs when at home, including putting him/herself to bed
Some regression in abilities and milestones recently achieved, e.g. tying of shoelaces, eating habits, bedwetting (necessitating more parental care) The response here may be one of anger, aggression and rebellion. He may want to get back at his parents for breaking up his life
Believes and wishes that parents could get back together – and this could last a while Able to accept and come to terms with the divorce and separation much more quickly
Separation anxieties may be evident during transition from one parent to the other as well as at school drop-off Likely to be indifferent to or discount family rules and discipline
Has a strong need to feel the family connection once again, and is very likely to see the divorce as their fault May show their distress by withdrawing into themselves and avoiding time with the family
Difficulty in concentrating at school Difficulty in concentrating at school

If you’re concerned about your child do contact me and let’s get it all sorted.

soila@parentinglives.co.uk – 07850 85 60 66

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Children of Divorce – When a Child Becomes the Caregiver after Divorce or Separation

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Parenting Practitioner
Founding Editor
The Divorce Magazine

I often say that it’s ok for your children to see you upset when going through divorce and separation.

It is important for them to know that you too are hurting because by knowing this and by showing your emotions, you are inadvertently giving them permission to feel the pain and hurt that the divorce process gives rise to and also just to show them that you are indeed human after all.

It’s usually very difficult for a child, especially a sensitive one, to watch his mother cry or father fall apart and not do anything about it or feel that they are somehow responsible for the sadness or breakdown.

They will very often do their best to rectify the situation by taking care of you, in the best way that they know; asking you if you’re all right, if they can get you something or do something to make you feel better.

This is a very normal reaction to a specific situation but allowing it to become the norm or to persist, you’re changing your child’s life trajectory.  

When a child become a caregiver they become your advisor, your mentor, the person looking after you.  This set-up is definitely not conducive to helping children cope with divorce.

When a parent makes a statement like, “I rely on Sophia to make me feel better.  She takes care of me. She’s the only one who understands me,” the first question that comes to my mind is, “And whom does Sophia turn to? What does Tom do with his own feelings and thoughts of fear, confusion and loss?

The answer to this is most likely that she suppresses them or blocks them because there is nowhere else to take them. There is no adult container for their adverse and undesirable thoughts and feelings. There is no outlet, no vent so how are they coping with divorce.

Your child’s role has changed.

“When a child turned caregiver tries to attend to her own needs and wishes, she feels guilty and undeserving…When a child forfeits her childhood and adolescence to take on responsibilities for a parent, her capacity to enjoy her life as a young person, develop close friendships and cultivate shared interests is sacrificed…it is an overburdening that seriously inhibits the child’s freedom to separate normally and to lead a healthy adolescence…”[1]

So, it is okay for your child to see you cry, be distressed and upset because fact is that the divorce process is a difficult journey for all to be on.

It is beneficial and advantageous for them to know that you are hurting too but, hard as it maybe, we need to continue being the parents and the adults in the room, the container and processor of your child’s feelings of anxiety, fear and confusion in seeing the family unit he once knew disintegrate into something unfamiliar and foreign.

[1] Wallerstein, J., Lewis, J., and Blakeslee, S.,(2002), ‘The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study.’

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child is hurting

Parenting after Separation – What to do when your Child is Hurting

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I cannot tell you how many of my adult friends went through some truly traumatic experiences as children which they never told their parents about until much later, if at all.

Yet one thing almost every one of them has said at some point or other is that they’re surprised their parents never noticed the changes in their behaviour caused by their experience.

Truth be told, all children will experience some sort of distressful experience at some point or other.

Some will see their parents divorce or separate, some will lose a close friend or parent through various circumstances whereas some will be victims of bullying or witnesses to a traumatic event.

Whatever your child goes through, it’s important to acknowledge their feelings and answer their questions.  Children will ask about things they need and want to know and understand.  They seek clarification and explanation of what they don’t get.

As a parent or guardian, when your child is hurting:

• Are you able to feel what they may be experiencing including their emotional struggles?

• Do you listen to your child with empathy and compassion?

• Are you able to verbally acknowledge and validate their feelings of distress to them?

You may wonder why any of this is important to do.

Well, simply put, when you contain your children’s feelings and emotions they develop feelings of security and safety.  They learn how to trust their own feelings as opposed to doubt if what they’re feeling is right or justified and I’m sure you will agree that learning to trust your own feelings is one of the greatest qualities an adult can possess.

The thing is, if and when their feelings of hurt are not acknowledged and taken care of, not only will their ability to recover from this experience be impacted, but so will their development.

Saying things like, “I’m sorry it happened”, “It’s normal and ok to feel sad when things like these happen”, and “It’s ok to cry” can go a long way in helping them cope.

Remember, you can say this to infants too.  They may not respond as you would expect but that doesn’t mean they cannot hear you nor the concern and care in the tone of your voice. Talk to them.

Where feelings are persistently left unattended to or recognised, your child may instead learn to do the following as a means of coping:

  • stop or bury their own feelings
  • learn not to trust their own feelings
  • learn to introject or identify with other people’s feeling instead of their own which may in turn mean that the life choices that they end up making are based more on other people’s feelings and wishes as opposed to their own

When your child is hurting, they will show you, probably more than tell you. Changes in their actions, behaviours and temperament may be more visible indicators that there’s something wrong.  Ask them. Tell them that you have noticed there have been some changes in them.  Bring it out into the open.

They need to know that you know.  They need to know that you are aware and that you care. Ask them and take care of it for them.

Let me know how I can help – soila@parentinglives.co.uk

ABOUT SOILA

Soila is a Child Development Psychologist, accredited Triple P (Positive Parenting Program) parenting practitioner, Certified Trauma Specialist and trained Family Mediator.  She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.

Soila is a member of Resolution and a graduate member of the British Psychological Society.

Soila is the founder of The Davis Centre and The Divorce Magazine.

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Going through Divorce – my Ex is Interrupting my Relationship with the Children

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Ongoing friction and conflict between divorcing and/or separating parents is very common when going through divorce.

Unfortunately what is common too, is the reaction or behaviour of some parents who choose to use their children to get to the other parent probably due to the murderous rage they carry towards their ex.

If you’re the parent at the receiving end, it’s vital to realise and accept that you can only influence your own parenting style.

You can only change and manage what is going on in your own home.

This may mean that you are the one left to pick up the pieces when your children are put in situations that are not conducive to their well-being and this can be a tough arduous and at times very long journey to embark on.

To continue being the parent who provides a sense of security by maintaining proper boundaries and limits no matter what may mean that each time you’re with your child, each time they come to stay with you, you have to almost start all over again, because you have to undo the adverse and detrimental words they have heard said about you in the other home.

During this time, you need to aim to reduce children’s exposure to any ongoing acrimony or conflict and avoid taking in the stress that is associated with the divorce and separation into your own parenting lives too much otherwise it will affect how consistently, available, how positive you are likely to be with your children.

Of course, all this is far, far easier said than done, but it is definitely not impossible.

I would suggest totally focusing on positively parenting your children and not rising up to what is coming from the outside in.

Avoid scoring points against the other parent or speaking disparagingly about them, as that not only rarely ever works but may actually drive a wedge between your child and you.

Sounds regimental, but do document positive things that you do with your children by taking photos of fun times, writing things down etc.

Might sound obvious or silly right now, but I have worked with parents whose children hold almost no positive memories of their times together because they have all been “erased” by the other parent.

Look after yourself by reaching out to people who can help and support you during this difficult time. Acknowledge your anxieties and worries and deal with them appropriately, including being ready to see a therapist or counsellor, so that you do not have those negative and powerful emotions trickle or pour into your parenting ways.

If one parent isn’t putting the children first, then all the more reason why they will need you to do that for the children. To look after them by being consistent, and available and have those boundaries and limits well in place.

If you’re struggling with this aspect of your divorce and/or separation, then do speak with me.  There are ways to work around this using various techniques including Triple P – Positive Parenting Program.

0785-085 60 66

soila@helpingchildrencope.co.uk

If you know anyone who is going through divorce or separation and is concerned about their children, please do share this with them.

ABOUT SOILA

Soila is a Child Development Psychologist, accredited Triple P (Positive Parenting Program) parenting practitioner, Certified Trauma Specialist and trained Family Mediator.  She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.

Soila is a member of Resolution and a graduate member of the British Psychological Society.

Soila is the founder of The Davis Centre and The Divorce Magazine.

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invitation oriah mountain dreamer

Poem – The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Parenting Practitioner
Founding Editor
The Divorce Magazine

The beauty of poetry is not just the words, rhythm and images evoked in one’s mind.  What I love about it is  the difference in interpretation from one person to another, the disparate emotions it stirs in people (or not at all) and the discussions that arise from almost each one.

Below is a poem by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, that helped me in my post-divorce life.  It made me decide to get better. I had to take look fixedly at the pain and hurt, acknowledge and wade through it then I had to see beyond that and keep moving.  That was then.

Today, for me, it reads as though it’s a child of divorce writing or speaking to a parent.

For children, the career of a parent, the achievements of a mum or dad rarely ever take precedence over the care, support and containment that children require so much.  All they ever want … is a parent.

A poem from a child to a parent.

 

The Invitation – Oriah Mountain Dreamer

 

It doesn’t interest me

what you do for a living.

I want to know

what you ache for

and if you dare to dream

of meeting your heart’s longing.

 

It doesn’t interest me

how old you are.

I want to know

if you will risk

looking like a fool for love

for your dream

for the adventure of being alive.

 

It doesn’t interest me

what planets are

squaring your moon…

I want to know

if you have touched

the centre of your own sorrow

if you have been opened

by life’s betrayals

or have become shrivelled and closed

from fear of further pain.

 

I want to know

if you can sit with pain

mine or your own

without moving to hide it

or fade it

or fix it.

 

I want to know

if you can be with joy

mine or your own

if you can dance with wildness

and let the ecstasy fill you

to the tips of your fingers and toes

without cautioning us

to be careful

to be realistic

to remember the limitations

of being human.

 

It doesn’t interest me

if the story you are telling me

is true.

I want to know if you can

disappoint another

to be true to yourself.

If you can bear

the accusation of betrayal

and not betray your own soul.

If you can be faithless

and therefore trustworthy.

 

I want to know if you can see Beauty

even when it is not pretty

every day.

And if you can source your own life

from its presence.

 

I want to know

if you can live with failure

yours and mine,

and still stand at the edge of the lake

and shout to the silver of the full moon,

“Yes.”

 

It doesn’t interest me

to know where you live

or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get up

after the night of grief and despair

weary and bruised to the bone

and do what needs to be done

to feed the children.

 

It doesn’t interest me

who you know

or how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand

in the centre of the fire

with me

and not shrink back.

 

It doesn’t interest me

where or what or with whom

you have studied.

I want to know

what sustains you

from the inside

when all else falls away.

 

I want to know

if you can be alone

with yourself

and if you truly like

the company you keep

in the empty moments.

 

By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming,

from the book The Invitation

published by HarperONE, San Francisco,

1999 All rights reserved

http://www.oriahmountaindreamer.com/

 

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Parent Traps in Divorce and Separation

Children of Divorce: 9 Most Common Parent Traps in Divorce and Separation

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Parenting Practitioner
Founding Editor
The Divorce Magazine

Divorce is simply not a license to destroy everything your ex stood for because if this is your stand, then you will inevitably being causing damage to your children too.

There is so much information out there nowadays that you surely cannot say that you didn’t know that your behaviour, word and actions during the divorce process or post-divorce are harming your children!

You cannot say that you weren’t aware that fighting it out in front of your little ones, or big ones only causes them anxiety and worry, that it can have long-term effects on them.

But just incase you are still not aware of what is causing your child distress, here are the 9 most common parent traps in divorce and separation:

  • Parenting through Guilt: you begin to think that your child has been through enough because of the divorce/separation, so your boundaries, discipline and duties of guidance become lax.  The world they knew has changed and if you parent through guilt, this changes their world even further. Stick to the previous routines and structures within your home as it provides with familiarity, normality and security.
  • Giving your children too much information: you believe that they need to know the truth about what caused the split between you and your ex or that they need to know exactly what is going on with the divorce process including court dates, what your ex said about you, child maintenance payments etc.  They don’t.  All they need to know right now is that you love them, the divorce is in no way their fault and that you are the container of their worries, pain and anxiety. 
  • Using them to spy on the ex: then using any information provided to manipulate, influence or disrupt contact between your ex and your child.  They don’t like to be questioned about the goings on in the other home. However subtly you think you’re doing it, they know what you’re up to. Just don’t do it.  If you feel that you absolutely must know what is going on in the other home, then find your own spy, pay them or whatever but just leave your child out of it.
  • Fighting it out in front of the children: there’s never, ever a good enough reason to fight it out in your child’s presence or within their earshot. A divorced friend of mine, recently told me me how he picked a fight with his ex at the parking lot of their son’s school.  When I voiced my disapproval, his response was, “it’s ok, he is used to it by now.” When a child gets used to seeing you fight then you need to know that you are leading them into a very dangerous zone in their development and wellbeing. 
  • Transference of feelings: this is where you redirect the negative feelings that you hold towards your ex onto your children. You get angry with the your child because he would like to go out and do something but your ex has again failed to pay the child support. You get irritated by your child because she has your ex’s characteristics and mannerisms.
  • Forcing you child to choose sides: maybe done blatantly or covertly e.g. “your dad is on the phone do you want to speak with him?”  If your child knows that speaking with his dad is very likely to upset you then he won’t, so he chooses your side. How many parents have I heard saying that they would never force their child to do something she doesn’t want to e.g. see her dad or speak with him over the phone?  Yet this same mum or dad will indeed force their child to have a bath, brush their teeth or do their homework whether they like it or not because that’s what a parent does. See where I’m going?
  • Using your child for companionship/support: treating them as an adult companion.  You confide in them about most things, from your financial situation to your emotional wellbeing and dating life.  Just don’t do it and if they ask, let them know that somethings are for you and your friends. 
  • Using your child to get back at your ex: you do whatever you can to make sure that your ex has as little contact with your child as possible regardless of the fact that your child would like to see his father or mother.  Your rage against your ex is blinding you to the needs of your child. Remember you ex is not your child’s ex.  You involve your child in extra-curricular activities that fall on the day that she is supposed to see her mother. You withhold information from you ex regarding your child’s life e.g. parents’s evening, hospital appointments etc.  
  • Turning family events into pressure cookers: you are so unable to control the animosity between you, to the point where your child begins to dread his birthday, father’s day, mother’s day and so forth.

Be the better parent. Provide your child with the sort of life that gives him or her the space to continue being a child. Be the adult in the room and find your own means of coping with the rage the you carry towards your ex.

ABOUT SOILA

Soila is a Child Development Psychologist, accredited Triple P (Positive Parenting Program) parenting practitioner, Certified Trauma Specialist and trained Family Mediator.  She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.

Soila is a member of Resolution and a graduate member of the British Psychological Society.

Soila is the founder of  The Divorce Magazine.

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Children, Divorce and the 7 Parent Practices you need to Avoid

Children, Divorce and the 7 Parenting Practices to Avoid

Published on

I have worked with children and families for several years now.

Lately, most of my clients have been parents going through divorce; some are concerned about their children’s change in behaviour while others have been court ordered to attend the Triple P (Positive Parenting Program) course which I run.

There are also those parents who are about to embark on the divorce process, or separation, who want to know how to handle the “announcement” for the children’s sake.

The 7 parent practices that I mention below are for any parents going through divorce or separation.

You may be right at the start of the divorce process or right bang in the middle, either way these are some crucial tips that will play a role in helping children cope with divorce… and ultimately, you too.

Don’t alienate the other parent from the children. Don’t become the toxic parent. However much you feel enraged by what your ex did, didn’t do or is doing to you, don’t interrupt his or her relationship with the children.

It doesn’t help your children in any way. All it does is aggravate the already demanding emotional and mental journey that they are living through.

Most parents are happy to say, “I will do anything for my children.”

So can you do this?  Can you allow them to continue having a relationship with their other parent despite how you feel? Can you give them that?

Don’t project a personal agenda onto your child. Don’t use your children to get something from your ex.

Completely keep your children out of your divorce or separation plans and goals. Don’t use them as messengers, spies or mediators so that you can get more information that will then work in your favour.

They don’t like this and when you question them when they come back home after spending time with their other parent, they know what you’re doing and it puts them in a very, very difficult position.

If you don’t want your ex-partner to know something about you and your new personal life, then keep it away from your children. Don’t tell them, show them etc and then ask them to keep it a secret from daddy or mummy.  Exactly where are they supposed to put it except inside they minds, hearts and thoughts.  Then what?

That’s not fair on them at all.  It may work for you, but it hurts them. You don’t want anyone else to hurt your children, then don’t it yourself.

When parents make their children feel guilty for having fun with the other parent, your children may begin dreading coming home to you as they won’t be able to share their day’s fun with you. They know it will only hurt you so they don’t talk about it.

Or what they may do, is tell you how horrid it was or how bored they were with the hope of making you feel better or good that they missed you or whatever and it may work for a bit until they learn that you brought up their “terrible” experience when you spoke with your solicitor and tried to use it as a means of limiting the amount of time your ex spends with the children.

Truth is, unless you avoid projecting a personal agenda onto your children, they will definitely be left picking up the tab for you running an emotional agenda.  Is this what you want for them if it means you get what you want?

Don’t tell your children about the legal details.  They really don’t need to know how much child maintenance your ex is paying you for instance.

How does that information help them?  If they ask, then be the parent and tell them that, that is something between you and their mum or dad.

I’ve worked with parents who provide their children with so much legal information and then they wonder why their child’s behaviour toward the other parent is changing for the worse or why they are unable to concentrate in school.

I recall the story of a child who would sit in class with his blazer on ready to leave because anytime the house would be sold and they would need to move far away.

Or the one who would frequent the school nurse’s office with frequent stomach pains. The school nurse soon realised that these visits coincided with court dates. The child was always informed when his parents where going to court something he didn’t need to know about. All it did was make him sick, literally, with worry and anxiety.  His parents had made it clear that it was the judge who was going to decide whom he was to live with.

Don’t tell your children about your spouses secrets. Again, what would be the reason for doing this other than try and score points with your children and get back at your ex?

How do you think they feel when you tell them something so deep about their mother or father. Do you believe that it washes off them like water off a duck’s back or do you imagine that it sinks in and just unsettles their inner being for a very long time?

Of course doing so will hurt and anger your ex to no end – and I can only imagine that would be your goal – but truth is it will hurt, confuse, embarrass and cause unnecessary suffering to your children and for what?

Don’t denigrate your child’s other parent in your child’s presence or within her earshot. Avoid, at all costs, making negative comments about your ex as a means of earning your child’s support or proving a point.

It may work for you while they are little but they do grow up and they will see for themselves what game you were playing. What will you say then?

Avoid marital conflict in front of your child. Of course this is easier said than done because at times, you just want to scream, swear and yell back and then slam the door shut or throw the phone out of a moving car!

And it will happen.  And when it does, it’s really ok to apologise to your child for having put them through that experience. Acknowledge that you did wrong.  That goes a long way in making them feel safe again.

But if it’s the order of the day, if conflict is a certainty at practically every exchange or transition, then you will need to find an alternative. Arguing and fighting in front of your children changes who they are.

Can you imagine how anxious they begin to feel just at the thought that you and your ex are about to come face to face at the exchange?

One parent told me how his 7 year old had started insisting that she be dropped off at the end of road so she can walk to her mother’s alone.  This little girl was willing to fight her own fear of walking alone so as to avoid seeing her parents in conflict.

If you constantly argue and fight, once it’s over and you each go your own way, try and think how your child is feeling before, during and even hours after it’s over. If it’s close to bedtime, how will this affect their sleep.  Now realise that they feel like that at every exchange at every thought of his parents meeting up.

Don’t use child as your support system.  I’m unable to count the number of times I have heard parents tell me that if it wasn’t for the support they get from their child, they don’t know what they would do.

Coping with divorce and separation is your job as the adult. Helping children cope with divorce and separation is your job as the parent.

This is the time that you as a parent needs to show up. You need to provide a secure and caring environment for your child so that he or she can continue being the child that she is by you being the parent that you need to be.

Your children need the space to grieve the loss of their family (and more) as they knew it.  They need to know that when they come home or when you come home, they can lean on you, ask you questions, cry if they need to and demonstrate their anger and frustration when they feel like it.

They need to do all this so that they can move on emotionally and mentally.

So find your own support system. Find people whom you can call on to be there for you, be they family, friends or professionals. Look after you and you will be able to look after your little ones at this time when they need you most.

ABOUT SOILA

Soila is a graduate member of the British Psychological Society, Parenting Practitioner, accredited Triple P practitioner, Certified Trauma Specialist and trained Family Mediator.  She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.

Soila is the founder of The Davis Centre and The Divorce Magazine.

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Five Essential Steps to Support your Children During Divorce or Separation

Published on

That you and your ex are going through a breakup is a huge deal for your children no matter what age including infants and toddlers.

One thing you need to know about infants is that not only are they extremely sensitive to their environment but they are also very much aware when someone, whom they have been seeing frequently, is no longer available or present. (There is plenty to say about the 0 – 3 year olds and divorce but that’s a whole other article).

The thing with divorce or separation is that it is one of those times when your parenting skills and abilities are tested to the limit!

Here you are busy going through a hellish, challenging time that is possibly preoccupying your every thought and time of your day, while simultaneously being expected to be the best parent you can ever be because your children need you to show up even more.

Here’s how you can do that in 5 essential steps:

Listen, understand and love: One of the first important elements of divorce or separation is to acknowledge and accept that the break-up will affect your child.  How much will depend on how you and the other parent deal with it and with each other.

Really listen to your children when they speak. Are there any recurring themes that they are not directly asking or talking to you about? Is there a particular game that your young child plays over and over again that might be divorce-related?

One six-year-old would dress her dolls up ready to go out when their dad came to pick them up.  He never showed.

It is ok and actually recommended that you tell them that you understand that this is not an easy time for them and keep telling them that you love them and that you are there for them.

Show them love as often as possible. This doesn’t mean spending long blocks of time with them, a hug here and there, kind words and positive attention can go a long, long way.

Communicate: Answer their questions. During the divorce process, children will have questions about the divorce or separation. They will want to know how it will affect their lives. What is going to change?

Speak frankly and honestly with them but avoid involving them in adult matters or providing them with unnecessary hurtful details.

Without answers, children will allow their imagination to provide them with explanations and interpretations that they so need and we all know who imaginative children can be. If they ask you a question that you have no answer to, then tell them so.

Self-observe: This is a tough time that you are all going through. You will make parenting mistakes, not one but a few.

Being aware of your feelings, thoughts,  words and actions can help you deal with and react to most things that come your way. Are you alienating the other parent by what you say and do while the children are present? Are you being civil with the other parent or able to put your own feelings aside for the sake of the children?

Did you know that your thoughts affect your feelings which then affect your behaviour? These three parts of you are so intertwined that not feeling a certain way due to a thought you have had is almost impossible which then means that you will behave or react to that thought in a way that correlates with the thought.

So be mindful of your feelings, thoughts and actions – in what you say and what you – do especially if your children are present or within earshot.

Seek professional help and support: When you are not sure, ask. Ask a professional for support and guidance. This is definitely not the time to try and do things yourself.  Have a psychotherapist or counsellor work with you and if you are struggling with behavioural problems with your child, work with a parenting practitioner to help you continue parenting your child positively through this time.

Be your child’s compass: Remember that you are not your child’s only influence so you better be the best.  As mentioned earlier, this is the time that your children will need you the most – someone to guide them and keep their lives as steady as possible.

Keep them in the fold and bring them back with they wander off – very common with teenagers. They will look to you for what’s right and if they cannot find it, they might look elsewhere.

As I often say, divorce or separation will always be an important time in your child’s life,  but what is even more crucial is how you and your ex handle the divorce process and your lives after separation. Let it be an experience they went through at some point in their lives. Don’t allow it to become an experience that defines them and their future adult relationships.

ABOUT SOILA

Soila is a graduate member of the British Psychological Society, a Parenting Practitioner, an accredited Triple P practitioner, a Certified Trauma Specialist and a trained Family Mediator.  She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.

Soila is the founder of The Davis Centre and The Divorce Magazine.

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