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considering divorce

Are you Considering Divorce?

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Parenting Therapist
Founding Editor
The Divorce Magazine

I have gone through divorce twice; the first one was 20 years ago and the second 12 years ago.

Truth is going through divorce is never an easy process however amicable. It will hurt greatly at some point during the process both financially and emotionally but it doesn’t have to define who you are for the rest of your life.

You will get through it. You will be ok but you will have to work hard to be so.

If you’re truly uncertain if divorce is the right way for you to go, I would personally suggest not doing anything for the moment.  Wait and see how you feel later on, maybe next, month or even later.

Ask yourself if you have done all that you can to keep your marriage.  If not, what more can you do?  Do all that you can.

If you’re considering divorce here are some FAQs with responses but you will find a lot more articles, authored by divorce professionals, on The Divorce Magazine to help you through your divorce process.

Do I need a divorce lawyer?

Yes. This should be one of the first and wisest things to do.  I would suggest that you speak with at least 3 divorce lawyers because just as you would get, at the very minimum, 3 different estimations for your kitchen extension, you really should do the same with your divorce lawyer before settling on one.

Why do I need a lawyer?

Simply put, for legal advice. You need to know that whatever steps you’re taking or planning on taking are not only legal and possible but that you’re being realistic and fair to you and your soon-to-be-ex.

How much will a divorce cost?

Very popular question indeed but the simple answer is, it depends on many factors including what divorce process you pick.

There are divorce lawyers who will offer what I would call package deals which are great in giving you some indication of how much the process is likely to cost.  When you speak with the various lawyers, then ask about this.  In fact, do be afraid of asking as many questions as you can think off regarding cost.

As a divorce process, family mediation, for instance, tends to work out much cheaper than working through the whole divorce process solely via lawyers.

The more you and your soon-to-be-ex can agree on together the less expensive your divorce costs are likely to be.

Here’s an article on How to Reduce the Cost of Divorce that can give you even more information.

What other divorce processes are there?

Fortunately, there are many other ways of dealing with your divorce process other than the “traditional” lawyer/client fashion. Here are some:

With the first three divorce processes, you will be working directly with divorce lawyers. With the other two, don’t forget to seek legal advice before agreeing to any divorce settlement.

What about the children, can I get full custody (sole residency)?

This is extremely difficult to get as the courts always seek to do what is right for your children and unless there are major safety issues for instance, they will try and ensure that your children remain in good contact with both parents as much as possible.

Here’s an article that would best answer any questions you have on full custody.

My advice, regarding the children, is to continuously and persistently keep in mind that it benefits them greatly if you can provide them with the space and time where they can see both parents as much as possible by creating an age appropriate parenting plan.

They will be suffering many losses as you go through the divorce and will need both of you to make sure they are ok.

What about child maintenance or child support? How do I know how much to expect or to pay out?

Our article on  Free Child Maintenance Calculator will tell you what factors are taken into consideration regarding child support payments, how to calculate child maintenance as well as how to apply for child maintenance.

If you decide to go ahead and start the divorce process, talk.

Talk to people you trust and talk to your children’s school.  Surround yourself with people whom you know will be supportive and objective and don’t use your lawyer as a counsellor, therapist it’s only likely to cost you and they need to focus on the legal side of your divorce.

Brace yourself for a journey that is likely to get quite emotionally, physically and mentally draining but like I said at the start, you will get over it, you will be ok, you just have to work at getting there because like Maya Angelou once said, “nothing works unless you do”.

If you have even more questions to which you would like some answers then don’t hesitate to contact any of the divorce lawyers who feature in The Divorce Magazine and speak with them.

If your main issue is to do with your children before, during and after divorce, including creating age appropriate parenting plans, you can contact me on +44 (0)7850 85 60 66 or email me soila@helpingchildrencope.co.uk.

ABOUT SOILA

Soila is a graduate member of the British Psychological Society, Parenting Therapist, accredited Triple P practitioner, Certified Trauma Specialist and trained Family Mediator.  She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine.

 

 

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Christmas Parenting Plan Examples

Christmas Parenting Plan Examples

Published on

Christmas is only but a few days away which means that some of you divorcing or separating parents have got your future parenting plans or co-parenting plans firmly in place.

But if you don’t yet have your parenting plan in place and are still struggling to set one up or have a temporary one in place, then here are some Christmas parenting plan examples that you may want to consider for you and your children:

Full Christmas Alternate:  This is the one my exes and I have used for the past 20 years or so.  As we all like to travel with the children over the holidays, they get to spend the entire Christmas and New Year period with one parent and then with the other parent the year after.

Of course, I miss my girls when they are away just as I’m sure their dads miss them when they are with me but one thing we always do is make our own plans so that we aren’t too lonely or sad without them.

This Christmas parenting plan example can work well for older children, maybe 6+ years, as they are better able to handle long blocks of time away from you or the other parents. Skype, Facetime, WhatsApp etc. help plenty in keeping in touch with each other during your time apart.

Half Christmas Alternate:  This is where one parent has the children over the Christmas period and the other over the New Year Period and then you alternate the year after meaning the children get to spend Christmas day itself with each parent at some point.  It can work well for parents who like to travel but have younger children but maybe not for the under 3-year-olds unless the “absent” parent can get an opportunity to physically touch base with them at some point during the week that they are with the other parent.

Christmas Day Share:  I once met a young lady, who was in her twenties, who spoke fondly of how she and her siblings would spend Christmas morning with one parent and then go over to the other parent’s later on in the day.  She said it worked brilliantly for them as they would then see both parents and get to open all their presents on the same day!

This Christmas parenting plan example can be a tricky one as children having fun, especially toddlers, may not want to change gears and up and leave.  It may also cause conflict if one parent is running late.  So I would suggest that should you opt for this option, that the children are given as much information as possible so that they know what is going on.

Whom are they spending the first half of the day with?  Who will be there?  What time are they going to the next home?  Who will be there?  How are they getting there?  When and where will they see the other parent again?  All these details may be inconvenient for you, but they are important for your child.  They need to know where they stand.

These are just 3 Christmas parenting plan examples but there are many others.

One thing I frequently tell parents is that divorce and/or separation is an important time for your children but what is even more important is how well, or not, their life after divorce is managed by you because handled badly, that could be the primary trauma for them.

Each of the parenting plans above has the children firmly in mind. You may not like not being with your children on Christmas day but frankly, they are just happy to have a fab time whatever day you choose to celebrate Christmas.

You can create your own traditions.

If my children are travelling over the Christmas period, I make sure we have our Christmas dinner the day before they fly out. We sit around the table, wish one another a Merry Christmas, talk about all kinds of stuff, open our gifts just as though it was 25th and just enjoy the time together.  And it works.

It doesn’t mean that we don’t miss one another nor does it mean that I am not sad not to be with them, but what it does mean is that we all end up having a good time and we all know what the plans are, with whom and when and that right there not only grants our children a good sense of security but it also gives them assurance and peace which is precisely what they need.

ABOUT SOILA

Soila is a Parenting Therapist, accredited Triple P practitioner, Certified Trauma Specialist and trained Family Mediator.  She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.

Soila is the founder of The Davis Centre and The Divorce Magazine.

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Christmas parenting plans

Children of Divorce – Getting your Christmas Parenting Plans at the Ready

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For children of divorce, spending Christmas with parents in conflict is like you winning an all-paid-for holiday to an amazing destination to stay in one of the most fabulous 5 star hotels…that is under going extensive renovations.

Everything is great about the whole idea, except that you will certainly not find peace and tranquility and that defeats the whole purpose.

Forget about lying by the pool for hours on end, with your cocktails, books and magazines; it’s shut.

There will be early morning drilling sounds, trucks all over the place and limited use of the great facilities that the place usually has to offer.  Before you know it, you want to spend the rest of your holiday, outside the hotel, only returning to go to bed.

That’s what it’s like for children whose parents are going through an acrimonious divorce and/or separation during this time of year.

They will get the most fabulous presents that you can afford but their joy, excitement and delight will be short lived and blanketed in worry, uncertainty and uneasiness.  And if they are anything like some clients I have worked with, some gifts will act as reminders of the very difficult Christmases they lived through in their childhood for years to come.

If this is your first Christmas as divorcing or separating parents, there’s one thing your children could greatly do with and benefit from.

Peace.

And this you can gift them by:

  • letting them be. Let them wake up and sleep through these holidays stress free.  Yes, it’s not easy for you as the divorcing or separating parents to do, but it’s not impossible either. You can do it for them, if you really want to. Allow them to enjoy their holidays without conflict, anxieties and worries.
  • creating a good structured plan that you can share with them so that they know where they will be, with whom and for how long. One father in mediation recently agreed for his ex-wife to have the children from 23th – 27th December.  He explained his decision by saying that it really didn’t matter which day you spend Christmas with your children; all they need is to be with you at some point and on that day, at that time, you can celebrate Christmas, as you choose and wish, in peace.  They don’t care if you do it on 25th or on 30th. He’s absolutely correct.  They don’t care.
  • sticking to the plan and should you need to change the plans for good, legitimate and genuine reasons, not just because you’re angry and riddled with vengeful thoughts and emotions, then tell them in advance and acknowledge any feelings of disappointment they may have or show. Be the adult in the room that they need you to be. Because after all, they only have you two as parents.  Which one of you will ensure that their holidays go as smoothly as possible?

Clients I have worked with, have often asked me what my co-parenting plan over the Christmas period looks like.

We chose to make it really simple for the children and ourselves. We alternate every year from 23rd to the new year.  This means that each year either one of us has the children for a good block of time which allows us to travel abroad if we choose to.

During the time that they are away, the children get to speak with the “absent” parent almost everyday, over Skype, phone, whatsapp or Facetime.  We share stories of what we have done and our plans for the next few days.

This means that our children know exactly what they are doing, with whom, where and for how long. This structure has remained in place since my eldest daughter was 6 and she is now 25.  It just works.

Of course it’s not easy for the parent without the children.

You will miss them but all you have to do is plan out your time.  If you feel that you will be lonely, sad and upset without them. Then you will really need to deal with that without sharing it with the children.  They don’t need to be worrying about you.  Let them be. You do you.

If you’re stuck with how to manage these holidays for you and your little ones, then do contact me and let’s take it from there.  It really needn’t be hell.

ABOUT SOILA

Soila is a Parenting Therapist, accredited Triple P practitioner, Certified Trauma Specialist and trained Family Mediator.  She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.

Soila is the founder of The Davis Centre and The Divorce Magazine.

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about divorce lawyers

The Thing about Divorce Lawyers all Over

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Is it just me or are family lawyers becoming progressively aware of the real impact they have on separating parents and their children?

I often say that family solicitors are the first emergency service when it comes to divorce and separation.

Since launching The Divorce Magazine, I have noticed how an increasing number of solicitors are submitting content that leans towards encouraging parents to think about their children as they go through the divorce process and do the right thing by them.

More recently, I have met solicitors who have taken up counselling courses with the sole purpose of acquiring softer skills which they believe will not only make them more aware of the emotions that their clients are going through, but they will also obtain knowledge and skills on how to manage and work with these powerful emotions.

When I went through my divorce, I experienced the “not-very-nice” solicitor and the “very-happy-to-recommend-anytime” solicitor.

All what the first solicitor wanted was blood and money.  My wishes and wants didn’t matter so much unless they involved some sort of conflict.  I can tell you, that this firm could extract and generate conflict in Utopia if necessary!  They wouldn’t even need an army to do so.

After just a couple of very uncomfortable meetings with this firm, which left me feeling so emotionally, physically and mentally drained, I decided to move on.

The tactic that this new firm employed, was gentle yet firm and assertive!  They never once fanned the flames of my anger and resentment.  They listened as I spoke about how horrible I thought I my ex had been but focused on what was important, the divorce and my daughter.

If I suggested going down a route that was only going to cause more aggravation to the already volatile situation, they would not only discourage me from doing so, but they would come up with a different solution to the same problem that would be less confrontational.

This new movement by family lawyers towards people awareness, as slow as it is, will definitely, definitely play a role in how families living separately turn out.  This then means that there will be children out there whose lives will be less affected by the outcome because their parents’ solicitor treated them more like people going through a major change in their lives than a case number that will help finance their lifestyle.

Family solicitors should be the voice of the child not in the room; the people whom, in the midst of heavy bombardment of adverse words and actions, the children can indirectly rely upon to make sure that despite their parents’ war, someone is looking out for them and wants to make sure they will continue to see both parents and that they will not be used as pawns in this life-changing game.

As Ben Lawson so aptly puts it, “For that reason, amongst others, it is incredibly important that we are able to offer honest and practical advice to clients, giving consideration not only to what our client wants, but also pointing out that what they decide will inevitably impact on their children.”

About Soila

Soila is a Parenting Therapist, accredited Triple P practitioner, Certified Trauma Specialist and trained Family Mediator.  She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.

Soila is the founder of The Davis Centre and The Divorce Magazine.

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Children of Divorce – Sharing Birthdays after Divorce

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Parenting Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

I recently overheard a conversation at the school playground this morning which I thought I would share with you.

A boy, whose parents are currently going through divorce (I know this as one of  the parents has talked to me about their situation) was telling another child about his birthday.

He explained that on the day itself, he had half the day with his mother and then went over to his dad’s for the rest of the day and he hated it – the split that is.

He said he wished he would have stayed with one of them on this day and then go to the other’s another day.  He is 9 years old.

Splitting the day in two didn’t work for him and to be honest many children just don’t like changing gears, especially on special occasions.

There’s nothing more difficult than putting your own wishes and desires aside for the sake of the children than when going through divorce.  Both parents obviously wanted to spend the day with their child.  That’s what they wanted and that’s what they got.

That’s not what he wanted but that’s what he got.

If they keep this type of arrangement for the rest of their divorced life, you can imagine how much this boy will not be looking forward to his birthday for a few years to come.

Birthdays are not about you, they really aren’t.  They are about swallowing your pride, your vengeful thoughts, your anger and hurt and making this day, all about your children.

Big deal if you don’t get to spend the day he was born with your child. Celebrate it with her or him when you next see them.  You won’t like it but they will still love it.  They will still enjoy it.

Alternate if you need to – one year you have your child on her birthday, the next the other parent does.

There are so  many options as to how to handle birthdays and holidays and what works for one family might not for another but the easiest way to figure out what to do, is to literally keep your child in mind.  What is it that will make them happy, comfortable and free from conflict and tension?  Now go and do it.

I’m finding it hard to imagine a greater gift.

If you have a system that has worked really well for you and your family, share it with others here.

If your struggling with any aspect of your co-parenting arrangement, let me know – 07850 85 60 66.

About the Author

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the five-star-rated  online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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the Parenting Plan Right
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Children and Divorce – Getting the Parenting Plan Right for your Child’s Sake

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Parents often say that they will do anything for their children, yet when it comes to divorce, there are many who do the exact opposite.

If you and your ex-partner are struggling with your parenting plan, do contact me by emailing me soila@helpingchildrencope.co.uk.

They fail to see how their actions and reactions affect their children. They increase chances of ther being negative effects of divorce on their children.

Helping children cope with divorce means providing them with a caring environment; one that will allow them to thrive between two homes.

Children of divorce need more than just roofs over their heads, they need attention, love and acknowledgment from their divorced or divorcing parents.

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Holidays triggering Divorce

How to Pick a Good Divorce Lawyer?

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Parenting Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Recently, a couple of mums and a dad at my daughter’s school separately asked if they could speak with me in confidence.

All three are going through divorce and are in the first stages of the divorce process.

All three needed to know if I could recommend  a divorce solicitor.

Their stories were different but two of them asked me the same question; “What makes a good divorce lawyer?”

This, I must say, is a very easy question to answer.

Firstly a good divorce lawyer is one who specialises in divorce law, preferably one who only works in this field.  If you have children, as each of the parents in this case had, I would go further and say find one that has great experience in divorce law where children are concerned.

A good divorce lawyer will not be one who fans the flames of your anger or even one who starts a fire where there is none.

When I was going through my divorce, I had a meeting with a lawyer who, in all honesty, remains the worst lawyer I have met in my life!  All she wanted was blood, despite my telling her that’s not what I wanted.  I only went to her because she was very local to me and I was thinking about the convenience.  I never did work with her.

Years later, I needed a notary, so returned to the same firm believing that my previous not-so-good experience was only due to the particular lawyer I had spoken to.  The person whom I spoke with over the phone was very condescending and patronising and they were going to charge me over £100 more than the other firms I spoke with.  I had heard all I needed.

Anyway, I digress.

A good divorce solicitor will know how to manage your feelings of vengeance and hurt.  They will not allow them to come into the picture in shape or form as that will only cause war between you and your soon-to-be-ex.

 

A good divorce solicitor will not mind you asking any questions that are important for you to get answers to, as “ridiculous” as some of them may be.  They will know and understand that the next few months are indeed going to determine how your life after divorce turns out and they will have a major role to play in it.

  • How long have you practiced family law?
  • Do you have past clients I can speak with?
  • What are your fees and what should I be aware off in terms of other (hidden) costs?
  • What do you think about family mediation?
  • What do I need to do to make the divorce process as smooth as possible?
  • What if I decided to change solicitors, what would that mean for me?

Finally, do trust your gut.  Always trust your gut.  Meet with at least 3 solicitors before making up your mind. Most solicitors offer an free consultation. Use it.

Good luck!

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the five-star-rated  online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

 

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How to Become Financially Stable

Life after Divorce – How to Become Financially Stable

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Development Psychologist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

There’s something about divorce that forces out your creative side and teaches you how to become financially stable.

You learn how to cope with problems and manage to find the most amazing solutions to overcoming the hurdles that come your way.

There are many, both men and women, who find themselves in dire financial situations after the divorce process with little chance of either working full-time because of the children or getting good enough employment because it’s been a while since they worked for someone else.

What I see in divorce are the amazing opportunities that it presents people in creating something that works best for them.

I’m talking about finding a way to bear financial stability by retraining, starting your business or working for yourself in one form or other. Many have done it and many will continue doing it.

If you’re thinking of retraining and are not sure what you want to do or which direction you would like to go, I would suggest taking your time looking through the floodlight website, finding as many courses as you can that you may have even a slight interest in, list them and then shortlist further to a total of 5.  Then enrol on the first course.

If you fall in love with your first choice then great!  If not move on down to the second choice and so on and so forth.

I realise that floodlight only applies to Londoners but it shouldn’t prevent you from looking through the course list and then checking if your preferred courses are being offered in your own area.

start-upWhen it comes to starting your own business, best thing to do is first find out if there is indeed a need for the type of service or product you wish to launch.  Do your research.  Ask your family and friends what they think then get down to writing your business plan.

Avoid being inflexible and remain open to ideas and criticism, but never give up on your wish to be an entrepreneur!  If he first idea doesn’t seem all that good after all, then what else can you do?

Some people find franchising a good way of working for themselves while others feel that it prevents you from being as creative as you would like as you have to adhere to your franchisor’s rules and regulations.

I did it for a few years back in the early 90s, when I ran an after school French club for children and loved it.  I made money without having to create the products, all I had to do was find something that I knew I would enjoy selling and voila, everything fell into place.

Facing financial difficulties after divorce is so very common but it doesn’t mean that your situation has to remain the same in your life after divorce does it?

If you have the drive, the wish and the need, you will find a way.  Of course it’s not easy. Nothing good ever comes easy.  Free yourself from what you don’t want in your life after divorce.

We are so lucky to be living in an era where anything is possible including building your life by learning how to become financially stable.  To borrow a line from a known company, go on, “just do it.”

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the five-star-rated  online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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naptime
Remember to nap whenever you can.

What I Learned from Divorce – Caroline Palmy

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Caroline Palmy
Caroline Palmy

“Many of us are unaware of the new life that is available to us after a breakup. For many of us, we’ve lost ourselves and our power in the process of breaking up, and sometimes much earlier in the relationship. Because we’ve been so wrapped up in the breakup, we often don’t realize that we’ve been handed a golden opportunity for a whole new life of freedom and the possibility of unprecedented happiness, fulfillment and love that’s on the other side of this passageway we’re navigating.”

 ~ Katherine Woodward Thomas

I found this quote on Facebook the other day, and I feel this wraps my story up so nicely. Yes I know, I wouldn’t have wanted to hear this 5 years ago neither.

It was December 31st 2008 when my marriage fell apart. I was shattered, I was devastated and I felt like the rug was just pulled away from underneath me.

Luckily I had my three kids (12, 8 and 5 years of age at that time) to look after, so I had a purpose, I couldn’t just fall apart.

I went into autopilot – holding it all together, far too well and far too long, till I neared a breakdown and a depression 2 years later. It was liberating!

I could finally let go, and my kids appreciated me showing feelings, and as much as they probably loved the stability at the beginning, they could relate much more to me going through the loss, than to the stoic Mum, I became after the separation.

So please look after yourself, you are the most important person in your life, and for the sake of your children, stay well. Get help, whenever possible, and get some down time on your own, you need it. You are suffering a loss, the loss of your marriage, and you need time to grief. Ask friends, family and neighbours, they are sure happy to help you, and assist you.

Don’t be shy and it is not a weakness to ask for help (I had to learn that myself), it is perfectly normal and it shows great strength indeed.

Here is what I learned from divorce.

You are enough

Please just be yourself, that is more than enough. I tried to be Mum and Dad for far too long, and then I tried to be a Super Mum, none of which really worked. Just be yourself, and look after yourself. You are more than enough just the way you are. Enjoy finding your own unique way with your kids, establish new routines, enjoy outings together. Just do whatever your heart tells you. Never forget, you are wonderful.

Simplify your life

what I learned from divorce
Remember to nap whenever you can.

I realized that when I, once in a while, chose to cook frozen veggies, because I had no time for chopping up fresh ones, my life was fuller with love. I had more time for my kids, I had more time for myself, and I felt more alive thanks to it.

Look at your daily chores, at your weekly to do list, where can you downsize, what is really necessary, and where can you sneak in some you time?

Enjoy reading a book, or chatting to a friend over the phone, having a bath, or just be, treasure those times, and make them a priority in your life, remember you are going through a major life changing event, a loss, you need time to mourn and heal.

Finding yourself

When my marriage broke apart, I woke up from a 20 year deep slumber. I was together with that man for half my life, and I had no idea, who I, as a person, was. I have been a wife and then later a mum for most of my life, and I have lost track of the woman I could be.

So I started a wonderful journey to discover myself. What did I like, what did I want? I always wanted to do Yoga, so beginning of 2009 seemed a very good time to start just that.

Is there anything you like to do, always wanted to do, except you never found the time nor courage to do? Go ahead do it now, discover yourself, do you fancy taking Art Classes, playing an instrument, singing, any kind of sport, go ahead, go for it, you deserve it. Explore yourself.

I soon found it very liberating just to be responsible for myself, not having to compromise anymore. Being in a marriage or any relationship it is always a compromise, I gave myself up far too easily, and to an unbelievable extend, that I had no idea, who I was, when I was on my own, fortunately the journey to myself was just more rewarding indeed.

What music do I like to listen to, where do I like to go, what do I like to cook/eat, and so on….,

Also with the children, I found an even bigger bond with them, and I could take things much easier; they didn’t have to be in bed, before Daddy was home, I was far more relaxed, and for that a much better mum.

Now looking at them, I am so proud of what we all have become, not only did I find myself, by doing so, I set a great role model for my kids, to find themselves also, they are more mature and more self assured, than they were years ago. We are a wonderful family, the four of us, and we have a tremendous bond, and truly value each other.

 Accepting what is

One of my biggest lessons was to accept things the way they are, and not the way they are supposed to be. My ex husband was never much involved with the kids, so it came as no surprise, that when he was gone, that this won’t change.

I knew from books that it is supposed to be very important for the children to have regular contact with their father, and I really wanted the best for my kids, so I ‘enforced’ that, alas it didn’t work out that way, and I had to accept that every divorce is unique, and every mother and father is unique, as are the children and each situation.

Now my kids see their father 2 or 3 times a year for dinner, and that is ok. This is the best arrangement for us, especially for the children, and I really appreciate it this way. Please do whatever is best for your family situation, there is never a set course, go with your heart and enjoy what you have and accept the whatnots, and be flexible as to both of them.

Finding help

Not only is your marriage falling apart, but so is your former circle of friends.

Unfortunately that is the truth.

Find new friends, and you will also find people who are or were going through the same as you, and that is probably the best for you, so you can exchange stories, and feel moral and emotional support.

Let’s face it, only people who have gone through a divorce truly know, what you are going through, it’s like with kids, people without kids know theory, however, when it comes down to basics….., only people with kids can truly understand you.

Find friends to Support youBe wary of all the horror stories of divorce, yes it is a painful process, and yes it is hard, but it never has to end in drama, either just listen to the information, but if it wears you down, you probably have to stand away from Divorce Drama, and find other less dramatic people to spend time with.

It’s like when you were first pregnant, there were people telling you horrible painful stories of labour and birth, did you really want to hear this, being pregnant with your first? No, so this time, just say No thank you.

Also talk to your children’s teacher, so you and your kids get the support from the school, sometimes they have counselors, or talk to Soila, a wonderful divorce companion. Often it is wonderful to speak to an outsider, it is very liberating. 

Taking one step after another

Yes I was tired, and exhausted and often wondered, whether I can go on, and whether this was all worth it. Yes you can, and yes it is, but get some rest whenever possible, and just remember putting one foot in front of the other, is all that is needed, one step at a time. Yes I know, looking forward and not seeing an end in sight is weary so look back and pat yourself on the shoulder for how far you have already come!

Sometimes we forget how far we have come already, and once we realize this and praise ourselves for it, it gets much easier to keep going. And YES believe me, YOU can do it!

I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart, and as hard as it is, see it as an experience, a life lesson to be learnt, and know, it will get better eventually

Warm hugs and much love

Caroline

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How Get a Date in 28 Days (Part 1) – Clearing: Your Space and Your Body

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Moving on after divorce or separation
Shelley Whitehead
Relationship Coach

Clearing your space and body is so vitally important before we begin dating.

Certified Life Coach and Relationship Coach,  Shelley talks about her own dating journey when she found herself alone following the passing of her first husband.

She shares the mistakes she made because she wasn’t sure what she was looking for.  When she felt ready to get back into the dating world, Shelley’s dating history included meeting a Mr Muller, Mr Triathlon all the way to Mr Cocaine.

For women who have been in long term relationships and now find themselves alone, dating can be a really tricky world to manoeuvre.  Being so used to being in a couple, they may find that their life has changed completely and part of their identity has been lost.

In this interview, the first of four, Shelley explains what the clearing phase entails – it’s about clearing the body, the mind and physical space.

When it comes to clearing the physical, Shelley advices the women to literally go through the home, from top to bottom and only keep those things that they find, valuable, useful and beautiful.  If it doesn’t fit in any three of these categories, then it’s time to get rid of it.

When it comes to clearing the body, it means looking at yourself and you decide what it is that you really like and appreciate about yourself.  Shelley has yet to meet a woman who really, really loves her body but it’s about working with what you really appreciate about yourself and enhancing it.

Men are visual creatures so we need to be in the best possible shape for ourselves because it, not only helps you as a person, but also makes you more comfortable when you do start dating.

When it comes to the mind and clearing the mind in preparation for our next relationship or in preparation for the dating world, it means getting rid of the attitudes and the beliefs and the behaviours, that don’t serve us.

It means really making sure that our mind is in a great space.  That this relationship we have with ourselves is in a really good space that we are able to embrace and welcome in a new partner.  The new partner that we will be able to identify in the dating world.

It’s about the behaviour and beliefs that we carry in our mind that do not serve us.

There’s so much more in this interview, so listen, learn and enjoy.

Look out for Part 2 tomorrow or you can listen to it here now – How to Get a Date In 28 Days (Part 2) Removing Obstacles to Love

Shelley is a Relationship Coach to Women ready to embrace a Second Chance at Finding Love. She works with individuals and groups of Divorced & Bereaved women, and those who have been disappointed in love.

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What is Reiki – Reiki London

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Here’s a wonderful “poem” that I found on the Reiki in London website:

Just for today, I will not worry
Just for today, I will not be angry
Just for today, I will give thanks for my many blessings
Just for today, I will do my work honestly
Just for today, I will be kind to every living thing

What is Reiki? 

Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

I didn’t know what to expect from my session with Dr Aarti Anhal.

I had never had any type of healing let alone Reiki and the only other time anyone has placed their hands on my body was either during a massage session, which was at least 3 years ago, during surgery (keyhole for my knees) or during some other intimate affair:-)

So here I was, lying facedown on my yoga mat on my living room floor with Aarti ready to begin the session.  I wondered out loud how long it would take and when she responded an hour, I remember thinking, “That’s forever!”

Well!  As soon as the session started, the moment Aarti placed her hands on my head and over my eyes, I realised this was going to be a very, very different experience from what I expected.

Her hands were so warm that I could feel the heat inside my eyes!  It was the strangest yet most comfortable feeling.

Her hands felt like those heat pads things people use in winter, only much more gentle. To be honest, whatever happened next is a bit of a dreamy blur.

My body and mind seemed to just melt into some place, that I cannot describe.

I wasn’t in control because I had been able to relinquish that to another place, don’t know where but it felt wonderful.

After a while, Aarti asked me to turn onto my back and as I did this, my body felt as though I was lifting from a good heavy sleep.

The session continued and my mind wondered in and out of some sort of sleep but not really.  Aarti’s hands were still warm and as

What is reiki www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Dr Aarti Anhal – Reiki Practitioner

she progressed down to my legs and feet, they seemed to cool down or maybe I was getting used to the warm sensation? I was loving this.  I was gone.

So when Aarti informed me that it was time to stop my first question in a very sleepy voice was, “How long was that?”  It had been 55 mins!  She went and got me a glass of water while I gradually returned to this earth.

That night, my sleep, was quite disturbed.

I didn’t sleep well at all.  I was tossed and turned all night and couldn’t understand why and as you can imagine, very frustrating.

I spoke with Aarti the next day and she said that there seemed to be some issues that were resurfacing or that need looking into.  Or maybe something was shifting within me. The next night was better and after a few days, my sleep got back to normal.

However, and this is something that I have now shared with Aarti, something had indeed shifted.  

There was indeed an issue, that I had suppressed for a very long time.  A matter that I had not wanted to face nor speak about because of fear.  Actually there were two.

How do I even begin to talk about this when I don’t have the words ? All I can say is that it feels like a light has been shone within me, like I have achieved clarity with regards to my current living situation and with regards to my plans about where I would eventually end up.

So, what is Reiki?  For me it was a revelatory experience.

I didn’t even think I had to deal with those issues, so far down had they been suppressed.  Now that they are here and that I have and still am working on them, I feel better, much better, much lighter.

So, if you or someone you know has been through divorce or separation, and would like to work through anything that is disturbing you or lingering then do get in touch with Aarti.  You will love it.

But be prepared for shifts and changes within you.

Aarit, or should I say Reiki, maybe both, have worked for me in one session!  I do plan on having more with Aarti. If you are interested in finding out more or getting in touch with Aarti, then you can do so by emailing her aarti@aarti-anhal.co.uk.

What has been your experience with healing?  Would you recommend it?

Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Parental alienation

Dealing with Parental Alienation

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Unfortunately, during the divorce process or even after it’s all over,  a child may not only take sides but may slowly, gradually begin behaving hatefully towards one parent as a show of support for the other, usually known as the alienating parent.

Unfortunately this behaviour may not be of their choice but may be resulting from “coaching” being freely provided by the alienating parent.

I have had clients whose children have turned from the kind 5 year old they once knew to the most hate-filled 6 year old they had ever met.

But what the alienating parent seems to miss is that when their children behave this way towards their other parent, is not only hurts them to do this but it is terribly, terribly confusing.

How do I know? I’ll tell you in a minute.

Well not only do I know that, I also know that it takes a hell of a lot for a child to earnestly, honestly hate the other parent.

Why are they doing it then? Because they are being loyal to you, the alienating parent.  They don’t know any different.

They don’t have the maturity to see exactly what game you are playing…they don’t now, but they will one day, that I promise you.

The campaign of denigration you have been working on has been a good, strong and successful one. .

Each time you tell your child something horrible and negative about the other parent, each time you interfere and disrupt their relationship, your child is hurting deep down inside because you are hating on the only other parent they have.

Unfortunately however, at some point, the way you see and talk about your ex, will become the way your child sees and talks about their other parent.

So how do I know that each time they say something ghastly to the other parent it’s killing them inside?

Because I worked for several years as a Child Trauma Therapist at Victim Support Lambeth and some of the children I worked with were there as a result of the actions of one of their parents.

Dealing with Parental AlienationThe crimes included fire bombing a house while the children were inside with the real intention of killing them, a vicious attack on a mother, in front of the children, that put her in a coma and the premeditated killing of one parent by another.

The crimes that these parents had committed and put their children through were truly horrific but you know what, in the quiet of the therapy room, in the safety of those four walls, I never once met one of these children who didn’t want to see the perpetrator parent.

It was in this place that they would say that they miss them, that they would like to go visit them in prison and that they love them because, “He’s my dad.” Or “But she’s my mum.”

So as you go along your campaign of alienation, vilification and denigration, ask yourself

  • Whose agenda you’re working with?
  • What is your desired effect?
  • Are you running an agenda at the expense of your child?

And as you become successful in your crusade and war, and your child begins to resent, hate and detest the other parent, just keeping knowing that your children’s growth is not stunted and they are growing into teens, young adults and one day, they will know and learn what a disturbing game plan you had all along and they will feel ample bitterness towards you.

As Dr Phil so clearly puts it:

“Right now, you may think you’re winning because you have the children and they’re clinging on to you and he’s on the outside looking in the day will come when they will look at you and say why did I have to grow up without my daddy?”

Change your direction today.  Start dealing with parental alienation today.  If you don’t know how ask. Call me, call someone but do it for your child’s sake.

As parents, we so often say, I will do anything for my child, can you do this? Can you allow your child to have a healthy relationship with the other parent? Can you give him that? Can you allow that to happen for their own sake, health and wellbeing?

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the five-star-rated  online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

 

 

photo credit: NYC13 #02 via photopin (license)

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