soila - The Divorce Magazine

Divorce and Anger – Don’t Make Decisions While the Engine is Hot!

Published on March 1, 2014September 14, 2019

Dealing with Divorce Pain — Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist, Family Mediator
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

That’s what I heard my dad telling one of his friends one time, I think I might have been in my early teens and it just stuck with me. I didn’t understand it then, but I do now.

When you find yourself convulsing with anger, don’t make any decisions. NONE, especially where children are involved. Because chances are that that decision will not only be a wrong and specious one but it will be one that will end with negative repercussions that your children may have to live with for the rest of their lives.

Divorce and anger go hand in hand – that’s a fact.

As Benjamin Franklin said,

“Whatever is begun in anger, ends in shame.”

One of the things that can be badly damaged by decisions made in anger during divorce include the ability to reach a co-parenting plan that will have the children in mind and that will be conducive to their welfare and development.

You might find that you are so angry with your ex or your future-ex-to-be that you want to do nothing more than punish him/her by limiting of flat out denying the him/her contact with the children.

Having said this it is also important to keep in mind that the origins of anger are hurt, fear and a reaction to threats.

What is the origin of your anger? Know it and you will most likely be able to take more control of it.

The answers to the following questions might be able to help you:

What is the origin of your anger? The answer to this could be anything relating personally to you. But one thing I would like to point out here is very much related a form of therapy called Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.

Very simply put, your thoughts, feelings and behaviour are all linked. You cannot have one without the other. So what you think will definitely have an effect on how you feel and what you do. Try it and see. The next time you get angry or you feel yourself getting angry check what your thought was just before this emotion began to rise in you. Divorce and anger

How do you know that you are getting angry? The answer to this question is usually related to physical symptoms. Some people feel their palms getting sweaty, their temples begin to throb or they feel it in their belly. Once you know how to detect your anger rising, then you are on the way to being able to control it other than it controlling you.

How do you behave when you are angry? What do you say or do?

And of course the usual talk it through with someone who cares about you enough not to fan your flames of anger. Someone who will keep you calm and objective – and no, that doesn’t include your children, no matter how old they are.

Being able to answer these questions is much easier than it seems. What is hard is to put your “new” knowledge into practice but if you can just keep going at it, checking your thoughts and recognising the rise of anger within you, then it will become standard practice in time.

So before you make that decision or you say those words, stop, sleep on it and then come back to it when the engine is not hot – when you are in a better, much calmer place.

Remember again – “Whatever is begun in anger, ends in shame.”

Warm hugs,

About Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk

Your Divorce Stories

And one Divorce Led to the Other!

Published on February 25, 2014September 14, 2019

Well, I should start by stating some facts right? Ok, the both divorces weren’t mine per se but that of my parents and then my own. Could we talk of Family History?

I read with interest the article by JungleDiva right here on the Divorce Magazine where she highlighted her uncle’s premonition about her own marriage.

Yet, I also know it is not an established fact that kids from divorced homes will end up down that same tunnel especially if they marry for the right reasons I suppose.

As for me, the stakes were pretty high that I will take that same path.

I got married actually because I was trying to run away from a similar path. Marriage was my Refuge, turned jail in which I all over again left even younger kids than when we were left too.

Now, a little history right?

My Parents divorced when I was thirteen or so. I am the second of four siblings but the one all considered the ‘toughest’. They still call me to date ‘L’homme de situation difficile‘ (The man of tough times if I could translate it such).

I took charge soon after our mother left. I skipped the wall at my father’s to go fetch us food and all when our step mother denied that we touch her anything. I also jumped that same high fence to bring my mother some stuffs she left behind and needed. I did this because my dad locked the gate with a key on leaving for work and his wife kept it locked!

I had known from my tender age that all was not right and it hurt me who was considered a favourite of my dad’s. My mother often taught me some good lessons with the whip or her shoe. I was a revolt.

I testified in court at their divorce and none of my siblings had the courage to do so, hence I spoke on our behalf.

Simply put, I grew up my own way, out on the streets or in boarding school, wherever but home.

That was why I wanted so badly to have my own home. There was a problem however, I already had a son and so I wasn’t according to the African Tradition, a worthy woman anymore. Marriage was going to be hard to come by.

I thought I could force one into being and keep it up.

Don’t ask me where I learnt about marriage. Don’t ask me either where I learnt about Love. Still do not ask me what I intended to do to stay married or avoid a divorce at all cost.

So, it came to be that I knew barely nothing about marriage. It came to pass that I knew little or nothing about love. And the inevitable came to happen that my ‘sham of a marriage’ collapsed at even a faster rate than had my parents before mine.

Wow, was that some curse? Was that something to do with my childhood? Was it some mistake on my part?

As for a curse, I don’t believe in those, don’t care to and don’t want to think of that possibility.

one Divorce Led to the Other — Are there any statistics to link kids of divorce homes to their own divorces?

As for my childhood, I definitely think it had a lot to do and Soila published a very interesting article on the adverse effect of Divorce on Kids.

As for mistakes on my part, definitely. There are many. I did not Marry out of Love, I badly loved to get Married and out of what I considered then a jungle.

Secondly, I did not Trust the man I married, well eventually because I started out trusting him until he indicated by his actions that I was wasting my trust.

Finally and yes the big wreck, came via a string of adulteries which pushed me to suicide’s door and then out of the country all together. My tale of Unconventional Loves is published as of this very day and is on the amazon.

I tell my stories of course just mine and I share them to heal and help further.

I really do not know if there is any statistics to link kids of divorce homes to their own divorces should they get married.

I don’t even know if I would ever get married again at this rate.

I am scared about my own boys marriages should they get married too.

What do I do now? What do I teach them? From where do I start or how do I proceed given that I have only social network routes to them for the moment?

Sincerely, I would appreciate your comments, advise and resources.

Marie Abanga

Children of Divorce

Children of Divorce – Conflict and its Effects

Published on February 22, 2014September 17, 2024

Arguing or disagreeing with your partner is not unusual, it’s a normal part of life.

It happens and will continue to happen as long as you’re together. Yes, I know there are some of you out there who say you “never” have disagreements. Not sure how you do it but there you go…

Your children will see this happen but they will also see you make up and continue with your life and love as you wish.

These arguments, disagreements and make-up sessions teach your children a lot including that not only do people disagree and argue but they can also make up and continue with their day. Such is life really.

But when we speak of conflict, where things get nasty and personal, where it’s not just words that are used as weapons but bodies and objects as well, then we wreak havoc in the lives of our little ones.

And in case you’re wondering, stonewalling or giving each other the silent treatment is no better way of dealing with these situations. It is still very distressing. As most people know by now, even little babies can feel the tension in the atmosphere.

When children are struggling and don’t quite get what is going they very often will show their distress in behaviour rather than words.

Whether you’re living together or not, doesn’t matter. If you know that your child is growing up in an environment where conflict is part of his/her regular life then below is a list of behaviours that you might need to be aware of:

Children of Divorce:

Increased clinginess
Increased fears and insecurities
Low self-esteem
A lack of belonging, feeling lost
No impulse control – so whereas he/she was dry before, they have now started to wet themselves be it in the night or in the day
Feelings of helplessness
Exhibiting aggressive behaviour
Yelling at other kids – trouble at school including performance
Feeling fearful, unsure of the future
Embarrassed to bring friends over
Physical symptoms such as stomach aches
Loss of or increased appetite
Trouble sleeping or remaining asleep
Increased restlessness

Thing is when children grow up seeing and experiencing conflict it does change who they are, it does change their world and the way they see it and relate to it.

If you’re going through divorce and it’s proving to be a high conflict one then find ways of protecting your children from as much pain and hurt as possible.

If you are concerned that your child has been negatively affected by the on-going or past conflict, then begin by acknowledging this with them. Tell them that you understand it has been hard on them and that you wish it had never happened.

There is so much power in words and acknowledging their pain can ease so much of that burden that the carry. Then find other ways to keep the conflict at bay.

If you think they need to work it through with someone then do find someone who can help. This person could be at school or a peer who’s been through the same situation or a professional.

Handled properly, they can overcome this experience, handled badly they will be one of those children whom way into adulthood, continue to live with the repercussions of their parents’ divorce. – see here – helpingchildrencope.co.uk

I always say, it’s not the divorce that counts, it’s how it’s handled.

Hugs,

Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society and Affiliate member of Resolution.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk

Children of Divorce

Children Deal with Divorce Differently

Published on February 3, 2014July 3, 2017

We all know and understand that each child is different and how he or she handles divorce will be unique to them. Yet we are also probably aware that the reaction that they have will also depend on their age or developmental stage.

So how a 5 year old takes the news and deals with the experience will be different to that of a 10 year old as it would be for the 15 year old sibling.

Some children are so young when their parents divorce that they don’t ever remember them being together. Others are old enough to always remember what took place, what they were doing when they found out about it and how it affected them.

Depending on the situation and circumstances, for some children it is nothing more than knowing that their dad won’t be living in the same house with them while for others it maybe a complete change of life from the way they have always known it.

Very young children, even those that aren’t old enough to talk yet can understand the emotions of people. They can often identify issues such as stress, tension, and they definitely know when their parents are upset. They can also miss the non-resident parent once he/she moves out.

If you have a young child and are currently going through divorce, just observe any changes in their behaviours including increased clinginess, tearfulness, increased temper tantrums or change in feeding.

Children from about three years of age to around five will be able to verbalise some questions about the divorce. They will often notice that the other person isn’t around like they used to be. They may pose questions such as why the other parent doesn’t go to the park with them or whey they live someplace else.

It is important that their questions are answered without giving them too many unnecessary adult only details. Just answer their questions as best as you can keeping in mind that they need to continue feeling secure and loved.

Children in Mediation Children aged between six to about eleven will most probably already know someone who has divorced parents and understand what divorce means and entails.

However, that doesn’t mean they are going to readily accept it and as with the little ones, be ready for some changes in behaviour, including anger and aggressiveness as they may simply become overwhelmed by their emotions.

They may lack the skills to effectively be able to handle what is taking place. Do your best to get them to talk about it even if they aren’t sure what they are feeling or why. They may also hold the belief that they are in some way to blame for the divorce and may work at brining the parents together.

Older children, from twelve and up often understand more about divorce than any other age group and may attempt to find more detailed answers as to what is taking place or what happened.

Chances are that this older age group was well aware of some issues in the marriage before the announcement of the divorce entered the picture and will take sides which can be extremely difficult for the parents. It is important to remember that this is part of who they are, their stage of development, so don’t take it personally if they side with your ex-spouse.

They are just doing what children of this age do.

It is very common for children in this age group to be also want to be a caregiver for the parent they “favour”. Do your best to get your child to see both parents as equals and not use them as sounding boards. If you can offer a united front as far as the divorce and caring for the children though it will be easier for them to do so.

Children don’t need to be your confidante when it comes to the divorce. Turn to another adult for someone to listen or to a professional counsellor.

Divorce and separation bring on huge changes for all involved and parents and we, as the adults around the children, will need to get a handle on our own emotions if we are going to meet our children’s needs as effectively as possible.

As I often say, it’s not the divorce that matters the most but the way it’s handled. This experience will be one of the many difficult experiences that your child will experience during his/her lifetime so let’s work hard to make it as painless as possible and help them deal with divorce the best way possible.

All the best.

Warm hugs,

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Parenting after Separation

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk

Coping with Divorce/Your Divorce Stories

Dealing with Pain

Published on January 24, 2014December 13, 2017

When it comes to dealing with pain, the strangest thing I ever did to help me move on was to literally speak to myself, out loud, while I got ready for bed one day.

I had spent the day, like the previous 5000, mourning for my broken marriage and sinking ever deeper in the well of self-pity, pain and living in a sort of wilderness.

There had been countless days spent struggling and fighting with emotions that ranged between pure triumph (I was out of the marriage and I was ok) to what felt like major depression with no way out.

Those evenings and afternoons spent self-medicating with alcohol and very little food became the norm.

I remember that turn-around evening so clearly.

I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth. It was past midnight and I was exhausted emotionally but buzzing mentally.

I suddenly caught my reflection in the mirror and I looked much rougher than I had pictured in my mind.

As I picked up my toothbrush, and begin my evening hygiene routine, which thankfully I hadn’t neglected, I stopped, sat down on the edge of the bathtub and said to myself:

“Are you going to cry for the rest of the year? Have you not done enough of that? Really? You think your life has ended? Get a hold of yourself and get on with life. Right now, right here there is no problem. The only problem you’re having is living in the past and grieving for the lost future you so wanted. Enough. This, right here, is what it is. This is the youngest you will ever be. You will never have this moment again and you choose to continue sitting, sleeping and crying for moments lost? Brush your teeth and go to bed! Tomorrow is a new day make it so!”

dealing with pain I brushed my teeth. Took a breath, not a deep breath like we’re always instructed by yoga instructors to do, just a normal, shallow breath and thought, “Goodnight Soila. Your new life has just began”

It really was as simple as that, but it is important to note that for that turn-around moment to be allowed to happen, other important moments had laid the path for it to get to me.

The crying and anger and resentment moments had to happen in order for me to be able to overcome and deal with my divorce.

If I had refused to face my pain, continued with the alcohol sprees or buried myself in my work so as to “ease” the pain, I would very likely be in a very different place mentally and emotionally – a not so nice place.

It is true that the past, with all it’s experiences and lessons, is what makes us who we are today. The future gives us something to hope for, something to look forward too. But the present gives us life, it gives us time to grieve, cry, learn and grow. It is the present, when we choose to live it, that opens that door for us to take the next step to wherever we are meant to be, wherever we are meant to go.

Don’t miss it because you choose to remain in the past, because you choose to hold yourself hostage to the past. See today for what it is. The relationship is over. See it, understand it and most importantly, truly and deeply accept it.

Warm hugs,

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk

Family Mediation

What is Family Mediation?

Published on January 13, 2014September 19, 2024

1. What is Family Mediation? This is a process by which divorcing or separating couples come together to discuss issues that they need to resolve once divorce is over such as financial issues and child contact issues

2. How does the mediation process work? There are different ways of conducting the mediation process, the most common being where you and your ex-spouse sit in the same room with your mediators (usually two) to discuss the issues over a few sessions. If the tension between you and your ex-partner is so great that you are unable to sit together, then there is what is called shuttle mediation, where you are both in different rooms and the mediators work with both of you by moving from one room to the other.

3. Is it for everyone? Family mediation is not for everyone but it is for the vast majority of people. There are however instances where it will be next to impossible to conduct a mediation process such as where there is domestic violence, alcohol and drug abuse and serious mental health issues.

4. Do I have to see my ex-partner? No, you don’t have to see or meet your ex-partner during the mediation process. Depending on the centre or place where you meet, there might be different waiting areas and you may work through the process by sitting in different rooms and having the mediators move between the two of you.

5. What role do the mediators play? The mediators are there to work through your issues with you. It is important to note that they are not there to give you any advice or tell you what to do.

6. What are the principles of mediation?

Confidentiality: Whatever goes on in the session, remains in the session. What is said cannot be repeated in court or elsewhere. The only time this rule will not be observed is when there is a risk of harm to either party or their children.
Voluntary: You don’t have to attend family mediation if you don’t want to and you can leave at any time. There is no pressure to go through with it to the end, nor into making an agreement.
Impartiality of mediator: as mentioned above, the mediators are not there to take sides or give advice. Their role is to help you through the process of negotiation, finding solutions and reaching agreements.
Fairness: the mediators work with you to help you reach agreements and solutions that are deemed fair within the framework of the law.
Joint decision-making: this is your session and your time, mediators are there to help you both make arrangements and reach decisions that suit you both.
Mediation is available to all who want to work in this way but might not be right for all.
Child-focused: Family mediation helps parents reach a parenting plan that focuses on the needs and views of their children.

7. What are the benefits of mediation?

You are in total control of the outcome of the mediation process
Helps parents reach an agreement that suits both of them and also that is suitable for children
The cost of mediation is considerably lower than going to court
Successful mediation helps minimise the negative impact of divorce on children.

8. How long does it take? Family mediation takes on average between four and six sessions spread over several weeks or months.

9. How much does family mediation cost? The cost for family mediation varies depending on whether you go private or down the public funding route You can find private family mediators here – NFM. FMA

10. Am I eligible for public funding? This will depend on your capital and income. Your mediator will be able to assess this with and for you. For more information, visit the Legal Services Commission website

11. Do I need a solicitor? How does family mediation fit into divorce? Family mediators can give you legal information but not advice so your mediator might encourage you to consult a solicitor if it is felt appropriate.

12. Is the agreement reached legally binding? The mediation agreement is not legally binding. It is left to you and your ex-partner to put whatever you have agreed on into practice. To make it legally binding, consult your solicitor and get a legally binding agreement to be drawn up.

13. How can I find a mediation service? If you’re in London, speak with me. I am a trained family mediator and work mainly in South London.

Warm hugs,

Soila

About the Author

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is a Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk

Children of Divorce

For the Toxic Parents

Published on December 6, 2013September 19, 2024

Do you find yourself doing any of the following? If so then you are most likely the toxic parent in the shared parenting relationship and will need to change things.

Try and make your children choose between your ex and you?
Withhold access because child support has not been paid? Basically, hold your child hostage?
Ask your child questions about the other parent’s lifestyle, activities or relationships? You may think they don’t realise what you’re doing but they do. “I don’t like mummy/daddy asking me questions about daddy when I get home,” is a statement that has been uttered way too many times.
Discuss your personal problems with your child or with someone else but in their presence?
Make promises you don’t keep. If you cannot make it, let them know. If you cannot deliver, let them know. That hurts much less than consistent disappointment.
Argue with the other parent in front of your child?
Put down the other parent in front of your child?
Physically harm, hurt the other parent in front of your child?
Use your child as a messenger or mediator? Or rely on him/her to solve issues between you and your ex?

Well if you answered yes to any of the above questions then be aware that you are indeed not doing your child any good, to put it mildly.

Actually, I don’t know why I am trying to put it mildly, I will just say it as it is. You, I’m afraid, are harming your child!

No one sets out to be the unreasonable or toxic parent. I know that divorce can and does bring out the worst in people.

The problem is, when there are children and these super negative emotions override any common sense, empathy, sympathy etc that you may have previously held and you are consumed by thoughts of how to make your ex’s life hell, you are also hurting your little ones.

I’m an ardent believer in both parents remaining in their children’s lives post-divorce. That right there is the greatest gift that you can give your children when you separate. Unless of course, other serious underlying issues make it impossible or dangerous for the children to spend time with the other parent.

If you are doing any of the above, please stop. It’s not fair on them and only you are benefiting from those actions, if at all.

Take advantage of my 30-minute complimentary session because, really, sometimes that’s all it takes.

How are you handling your co-parenting? I would love to know.

Hugs.

About Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is a Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk

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Children of Divorce

Parental Alienation with Yasmin Alibhai-Brown

Published on October 24, 2013September 19, 2024

If you have ever wondered what the effects are on fathers who lose contact with their children after divorce or separation then listen to this 15 min recording of Louis De Bernieres’ conversation with Yasmin Alibhai-Brown on the one-to-one show on BBC radio 4

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes – 15 mins

I (Soila) have met parents who completely believe that their children are better off without the other parent. Are you that parent? It would be great to hear from you as it would to hear from parents who have lost contact with their children.

Unfortunately it’s a very common problem and sharing your views and stories might indeed help someone else who is living through parental alienation.

If you’re going through a divorce at the moment, you might want to listen particularly to the part on family mediation
You may also want to listen to this very informative interview with Deesha Philyaw and Michael D. Thomas on co-parenting and how to have a successful and workable co-parenting plan.
And finally read this blog on Children Need Both Parents.

“Yasmin divorced over twenty years ago, and – although happily re-married – often contemplates the fall-out of divorce, and the resulting emotional ripples which inevitably reach further than the separating couple.

Last week Yasmin spoke to a grandmother who hasn’t seen her granddaughter for four years, and this week she speaks to the author Louis de Bernieres. He talks from the position he holds as patron of the charity Families Need Fathers, but also from the very personal point of view of a father of two children, who has now separated from their mother.” Taken from BBC Radio 4

Families Need Fathers Charity

“Parental divorce or separation should not mean that children lose the love and care of one of their parents.

Families Need Fathers seeks to obtain, for the children, the best possible blend of both parents in the lives of children; enough for the children to realise that both parents are fully involved in their lives. Legally, parents should be of equal status.” Taken from Families Need Fathers and you can find out more by clicking here – http://www.fnf.org.uk/about-us