Wendi Schuller

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 100 published articles.

Her other book is The Woman’s Holistic Guide to Divorce. Web site is globalguidetodivorce.com.

When is it time to Divorce

When is it time to Divorce?

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Deciding whether or not to divorce is a difficult decision to make.

Think carefully before uttering the phrase, “I want a divorce.” Once those words are out of your mouth – you cannot call them back.

That statement will affect the rest of your life, so be sure you really mean it and are not issuing a hollow threat.

When hearing distressing news, such as your spouse had an affair, it can be tempting to shout out those words. That action can slam the door shut on the possibility of saving the marriage if the errant spouse walks out of the door for good.

We often react right away instead of thinking things through. The sympathetic nervous system floods the body with stress hormones, such as cortisol, to act quickly in a volatile situation. This is the fight or fight phase, where one can say hurtful things in anger. Responding instead of reacting, involves analysing the problem to form a response. There are ways to be more rational in the heat of the moment.

Take a pause or a time-out. Decisions do not have to be made on the spot. Remove yourself and say that you require time to think, when hearing something upsetting.

Acknowledge to yourself, that you are in shock or in rage. This is the time to work through intense emotions, instead of exploding. Consider talking over the situation with a life coach to get a handle on these feelings.

Together you can explore different options to see if you want to stay in the marriage or not. Getting in a calmer state will help one to gain clarity and be in a better place before approaching the spouse.

In other cases, it can be many little issues that are the tipping point instead of one major event.

An individual may be unhappy or no longer want to continue to live life as they have been. They may feel unfulfilled or that something is missing. The person may think this is due to their marriage or spouse, when in reality it is inside of them.

Having individual therapy can help pinpoint a problem area, such as suffering through Empty Nest. Therapy is beneficial when a person is at a crossroad at this point in life.  In some cases, following a passion, changing careers or becoming an entrepreneur was what was needed and not a divorce.

A frank discussion with your spouse can help in deciding whether to stay or to bail. Take turns actively listening without interrupting.

Reflect back what you think you heard, to give the other a chance to correct a misconception. Expressing annoyances and needs might be just the ticket to avoid divorce. Day- to-day communication can be superficial and a couple can drift away from each other. Communicating on a deeper level can boost marital satisfaction.

There may be non-negotiable areas where there are no second chances. This could be infidelity, a porn addiction, or abuse.  Deceit with lies and a cover up has led people to divorce. Know what your boundaries are.  When my spouse was going on a dark path, I had to leave.  In a lesser circumstance, marital counselling may have been an option.

There are many resources for helping to fix a marriage or forming an exit plan if that is not going to happen.

Relate is UK’s “largest provider of relationship support” and helps couples to communicate in a more effective way. This is just one example of what is available for troubled relationships. Going to a marriage therapist can save a marriage or help one see if it is worth saving.

The therapist works with the couple and may also see them individually. This is a safe environment to air grievances and to start repairing the relationship. Retrouvaille is a program to help couples heal and renew their hurting marriages. The couple learns how to communicate and reconnect with each other.

This program is sometimes considered the last resort to save a marriage. It is a weekend retreat, followed up by sessions.

When considering divorce, it is the couple’s decision and not one done on the opinions of family or friends. Others may not be neutral or care for the spouse. If feeling undecided, talk to a person you trust or have a session with a life coach.

Take advantage of the many divorce resources available, including what the divorce process entails. Divorce is emotionally draining and can be expensive. Explore all avenues first before choosing to end your marriage.

Whatever path you decide, have a support system in place.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Feature photo – Photo by Helloquence on Unsplash

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Post-Divorce Single Parent

Dealing with Childcare Post-Divorce as a Single Parent

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

It can be challenging juggling childcare as a single parent. The key is to have Plan B.

Seems children get sick when a parent has a mandatory meeting or work project.   Enlist people ahead of time to be available in case of an emergency.

Several parents I know have used up all of their sick leave on ill babies and toddlers. They learned the hard way to have someone on speed dial for that eventuality.

Talk to a neighbour to see if they are able to be a last-minute fill in if your little one needs to come home from school. Possibly a friend who works from home can plug a childcare gap when you have to be on the job. You can reciprocate the favour another time.

If you have your own office it may be feasible to bring along an older child who is recovering. Pack books, art supplies and snacks. My insurance agent allows his secretary to have her son there after school every day while she does her tasks. She has her boy go into the waiting area when a client needs to speak to her.

Maybe you can make arrangements to work at home if your child has a stomach bug. Several offices permit older kids to take over the conference room during a bank holiday or short break. This helps the organizations to keep their employees on the job.

Some hospitals and companies have nurseries, like the one I attended where my mother was a nurse. Ask co-workers how they are handling their childcare needs.

If you are able to negotiate with your co-parent, perhaps you can split up school holidays. Then neither one of you has to find childcare for the entire period. Some divorced people remain on good terms with former in-laws who are happy to babysit.

They enjoy seeing the grandchildren and the single parent on a tight budget gets a break. In one case, a woman’s former mother-in-law watched her daughter and a divorced friend’s one also. The girls had great fun with that gran.

Talk to your friends and see if they are willing to share a nanny. Parents I know hired a caregiver who watches a group of children and rotates houses on a weekly basis. It is cheaper when more parents share a caregiver. I did this with my older son. One’s family can help out too. My mum did some of the school runs after my divorce.

If you and your friends are on flexible or different work schedules, consider watching each other’s kids. This also is helpful when you want a bit of time to yourself or to get errands done quickly. Check into what clubs or activities there are after school. Often, they are free or low cost.

Scouts, sports and chess are a few of them. My mother sent me to sleep over or day camp when she wanted to pick up extra shifts as a nurse. Then she had a block of time to be off from the hospital to spend with me.

When married, I ran a medical practice plus was the nurse. Soon after my divorce I changed jobs within my profession that would better suit my childcare needs. I became a school nurse with a work schedule that coincided with my sons’ one. See if you can change jobs or tweak the one you already have.

My solicitor that I hired for post-divorce issues, left the law office everyday by 4 pm to be with her young daughter. She returned e-mails or read documents when the girl was doing homework or in bed. Other people have been able to adjust their jobs to work part-time from home.

Your children’s teachers can be a resource for childcare. They are usually up-to-date on what is available in the community and may know individuals who babysit.

There are web sites who post caregivers and their credentials. It seems like only a few months ago I was juggling childcare and now I have an Empty Nest.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

 

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Dealing with an Aggressive Co-parent

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

It is a challenge to co-parent with an aggressive person post-divorce.

They may have difficulties letting go when they are not on duty. They attempt to parent from afar, thus complicating your life.

Prevention is the way to go if still in divorce negotiations. Get an extremely detailed Parenting Plan which spells out exactly when each parent has the children and addresses how school holidays are split.

An aggressive ex-spouse is less likely to walk all over you when you can point out that an issue is already covered in the Parenting Plan.

Some individuals have trouble letting go and accepting that the other parent is in charge of the youngsters part-time.

This is where setting boundaries is important. If the aggressive parent is bombarding the kids with phone calls or texts during your time, set limits. To avoid them getting defensive, say “How about we each limit contact with the kids to once a day?” Or “Instead of us calling the boys when not with them, let them initiate contact.”

When the suggestion goes both ways, it makes in more impersonal.

Try to think about the other parent’s motivation with their actions. Are they aggressive in other situations, such as on the job or is it only with you after divorce?  If you are the main target, then their behaviour may be due to anger and hostility.

Perhaps meet on neutral territory, such as in a coffee shop or café, to discuss what is going on with them. If that person feels that they are really being listened to, that in itself can lead to a better post-divorce relationship.

The other parent may micromanage as part of their nature. Coming up with a daily schedule for meals, naps and bedtimes that you both use, can reduce their need for control. They may become more relaxed when the kids’ routine is in sync at both houses.

A therapist stated that when there is an aggressive parent, the children can be caught in the crossfire.

An aggressive parent may use the children as a weapon to score a point in a perceived battle of wits. Remind this individual that co-parenting is about putting the children first. Say “I feel that the girls are affected by our disagreements. Let’s act in a calmer manner for their sake.”

Keep the focus on the youngsters, when the aggressive one may be starting a verbal attack. Redirect them back to what is best for your offspring.

One teacher has this suggestion when dealing with an aggressive parent. Each one has X number of minutes to talk uninterrupted.

Then the other parent has the same amount of time for their turn. This prevents the aggressor from butting in and cutting off the other parent before they are through expressing their views.

If a dialogue with the other parent is not working, ask them to go to a mediator with you. A session can get the situation on track and reduce stress. If the other parent refuses to meet with a third party, go alone to a divorce coach.

The coach will help come up with specific strategies for dealing with your co-parent. Make sure that you have your own support system to get you through the turbulent times and see the lighter side of life.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

You might be interested in

Going through Divorce in Court

Going through Divorce in Court

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Some spouses may want to have a judge decide their fate and choose litigation.

Others may disagree on issues and do not want to negotiate with each other.

Or a judge receiving paperwork may have some questions and concerns, requiring one hearing with the spouses and their solicitors.

There can be one or two hearings with a settlement, or a series, leading up to the expensive final hearing with barristers on their team. Solicitors can send documents to the court without their clients ever having to appear.

The county court is the one that deals with the majority of divorces and separations. Children’s issues must be in the court in the jurisdiction where they live.

The High Court is used in cases of extreme wealth, more complex ones, or when one or both parties are foreign born.  The Magistrate Court handles a case with a criminal charge, such as domestic abuse.  The Crown Court deals with serious cases that require a trial by jury.

In Scotland, the Sheriff’s Court hears divorce and civil cases.

If going to court, your solicitor might get a barrister to represent you. The cases of extreme wealth are heard in the Court of Sessions in Edinburgh. In Northern Ireland, the High Court hears most of the divorce cases. Their Magistrate Court deals with removing an abusive family member from the home.

The judge will get input from Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (Cafcass) when assessing child arrangements.

Cafcass are officers of the court who focus on the children’s wants and needs. They interview the parents, children, and other people in the children’s lives, such as teachers or coaches. Talking to these people gives a picture of parenting interactions and hands on care.

They share the results of their findings with the judge, so he can make an informed decision on shared custody. Post-divorce a parent may return to court for a child’s issue that is not working out well. Cafcass can evaluate if shared time needs to be tweaked and get the child’s input on the arrangement before reporting to the judge

In most cases in the UK, parents decide on shared custody and do not leave it to a judge’s decision. A judge can issue a Residence Order stating with which parent a child will reside, or what percentage of time. Contact Order is the amount of time that the non-resident parent can see their child. A Specific Order is about one particular issue, such as which school that the child will attend.

Divorce Court Hearings

Pre-trial hearing: The judge has already perused the spouses’ information and can guide them to an agreement. He can urge the spouses to come to a settlement.

Both solicitors may want to settle in just one hearing with smaller details, such as who is responsible for paying the mortgage during divorce proceedings.

After Cafcass gives a report to the judge, the solicitors may want the spouses to come to terms on child arrangements in this more informal setting. It is expensive to have a Final Hearing with barristers representing each spouse in court.

If one requires financial support during the divorce, petition the court for an Earlier Interim hearing. Financial information is supplied and an arrangement for temporary maintenance is enacted that will last throughout the divorce proceedings.

The First Directions Appointment (FDA) is approximately two weeks after the paperwork is sent to court.

The spouses go before a judge and their solicitors tell him the issues. He gives directions determining the course to take which will resolve the major problems. The judge shows what the gaps are in the evidence presented and sets the time frame for future hearings.

This quick session outlines the case and gives directives to be accomplished before meeting again. If compromises are made following this hearing, they are sent to the judge and it may not be necessary for another session.

Financial Dispute Resolution Appointment (FDR) is after following the judge’s directives, and is the second appearance. Both sides have given full disclosure with Form E and this is a way to settle financial differences with the judge’s input.

The prime directive is to see if spouses can compromise on this dispute without resorting to a formal hearing.

In this informal session, the judge gives an idea on what the outcome of the case could be based upon the papers submitted to the court. This particular judge is not allowed to preside over the final hearing, so conversations are quite candid and informative. If a resolution is not met, then the case may end up in a full hearing.

Once an agreement is reached, the court can make it legally binding through a Consent Order after the Decree Nisi.

If this agreement is made outside of court, a solicitor can draw up this legal document which finalizes financial matters between you both. You can even do this without a solicitor using the county clerk’s help with information and how to do this order.

Final Hearing   

Before the final hearing, the solicitors agree upon the documents submitted to the judge in what is called a ‘’bundle’’, labelled with the court date.

The petitioner’s solicitor or barrister goes first and summarizes the case for the judge. She then gives evidence stating why the petitioner is asking for what she is. Witnesses are called and the respondent’s barrister cross examines them.

The Respondent’s barrister gives his side of the case and then calls his witnesses. The petitioner’s barrister cross examines these witnesses.

Expensive expert witnesses may be employed by both sides. These include psychologists, doctors, or forensic accountants who charge by the hour. Cafcass may also be presenting the results of interviews.

The judge will be looking at any prenuptial agreements and if they are fair. He will look at the case in its entirety. Closing arguments are given by the barristers. The judge may give a ruling at the end. A solicitor will apply for the Decree Absolute and the divorce ends most likely with great expense.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

You might be interested in

Start the Divorce Process

How to Start the Divorce Process

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

In April 22nd, 2014 a change was made in Family Law to have a couple attend a mediation information and assessment meeting (MIAM) to see if mediation is a viable option for them as a divorce process and as a possible way of avoiding court altogether.

A mediator can put in writing that a couple attend a mediation interview, but are choosing litigation instead.

During divorce, a judge may send spouses to mediation to negotiate just one aspect of it, such as child arrangements or finances. A mediator does not provide legal advice, even if he/she is a solicitor.

One can obtain the required divorce forms to apply for divorce from the court. The clerks will give out the correct forms but do not dispense legal advice. The Ministry of Justice website www.justice.gov.uk also has the necessary forms.

The Citizens’ Advice Bureau (CAB) is able to give some generic advice or steer one to a specialist who can be of assistance. CAB has an informative web site www.citizensadvice.org.uk.

There are various online divorce kits for simple divorces. It is still prudent to have a solicitor check over these forms before submission. In Scotland the sheriff’s court has these forms and the CAB will assist you in filling these out.

Before starting divorce, you may want to ascertain that your name is on the house deed by contacting the Land Registry, if you are unsure. If it is only in your spouse’s name, then you can register your interest in the house. For a small fee, the Land Office can do a search for the title number and send you a form to show your rights to co-own the house.

Pre-divorce, speak to a solicitor first to make sure you are not doing anything to compromise a divorce. She may advise you not to move out of the marital home or other actions. She can prevent the other spouse from getting rid of community assets or liquidating a joint bank account.

Criteria for Divorce:

  • A couple must have been married for a year in England and Wales before a divorce petition can be filed.
  • In Scotland there is no minimum time to be married before initiating divorce.
  • In Northern Ireland the minimum time is two years before divorce proceedings.

Domicile is the country where one has an attachment or connection, such as by birth. It can be where you have a passport or your family resides.

One can be living abroad and still get a divorce in the UK. An English couple working in Los Angeles can still have their divorce proceedings through the English court, because they are domiciled in the UK. If the divorce is not contested (disagreed upon) then neither has to appear in court and their solicitors can handle the divorce from afar. Neither spouse can have filed in another country first.

Habitual residency is the place where you live and work. One does not have to have been born in that country, but now has long-term ties to that locale.

If a person from India has lived in London for many years, she is entitled to file to a divorce in England. It does not matter that she makes trips back to Delhi every year to visit family, because her life is in London. In England and Wales the minimum time of habitual residency before being able to initiate divorce is one year.

Jurisdiction is the geographical area that has legal authority to hear a case. If ones lives in Leeds that is the place where the divorce petition is filed, not in a different city such as Manchester. One initiates divorce where one lives or has domicile. This is the location where one has habitual residency.

Two Americans were studying in Cambridge and got married in this country. They lived in the Cambridgeshire area for three years before returning to the States.

After two years there, they decided to divorce. Even though they married in England, they no longer have habitual residency so would have to be divorced in the US. Had they decided to divorce before leaving England, they could have gotten a UK Divorce. They were married and had residency in England for over one year.

Getting Started with Divorce in the UK:  

In England and Wales, the person filing for divorce is the petitioner and in Scotland it is the pursuer. The other spouse is the respondent in England and Wales and the defender in Scotland.

The process of divorce commences when the petitioner files the divorce petition to the court. Included with the petition is:

  • Marriage certificate
  • Issues of divorce with one of the grounds
  • What you want to receive financially

How to start divorce processIf the couple has children then a Statement of Arrangements must also be sent which includes:

  • Where they now live and future visitation plans
  • Their school and any educational or after school needs
  • Any child support requested
  • Any disability or health requirements
  • A Parenting Plan may be attached

The spouse must formally be served these papers in one of these ways:

  • The court posts these papers to your spouse adding the Acknowledgment of Service You or your solicitor will be notified if they are returned back to the court as undeliverable.
  • A bailiff can serve the divorce papers directly to your spouse. A certain form is filled out and a fee is collected for this service.
  • One can pay a private processor to find the spouse and serve the papers.
  • In Scotland there is no Acknowledgement of Service sent to the defender (respondent) spouse. They receive the initial writ from the court containing the grounds for divorce, arrangements for children, and finances. If the other spouse disagrees with any of these, then they fill out a Notice of Intention to Defend form and return it to the court.

The respondent has a week to respond and to send an Acknowledgement of Service to the court verifying that it was received and contains the following:

  • If he/she consents to the divorce
  • Objects to anything in the petition
  • Agrees or disagrees with Arrangements for Children

The respondent has twenty-eight days to file an answer if he intends to defend (contest) the divorce. He can file a ‘’cross petition’’ if he feels that the marriage is over, but not for the reason that the petitioner stated in the divorce petition.

After the respondent returns the Acknowledgement of Service to the court, a copy is posted to the petitioner or their solicitor.

`The next step in the divorce process is the petitioner files an Affidavit with the court. This is a sworn statement that is done before another solicitor (not yours) or a court official which verifies that the signature on the Acknowledgement of Service form is that of your spouse. Also you confirm what is in the Divorce Petition is correct.

Both spouses fill out the incredibly detailed, twenty-eight page Form E or Statement of Means, and give it to the court and the other solicitor. If there is to be a court hearing, then Form E is to arrive thirty-five days ahead of time. This form is a disclosure of what one’s assets are and copies of financial records are attached to this sworn document. Mediation and collaborative divorce may use Form E to collect financial data.

Questions included in Form E or Statement of Means are:

  • Standard of living you had during your marriage and what you expect post-divorce
  • What debts you have and what is owned to you
  • Income needs for yourself and children residing with you
  • Lists of investments, bank accounts, pensions with account numbers, companies and amounts
  • Insurance with surrender value
  • Properties and their worth
  • Cars and other household assets and their value

In Scotland there is no Form E or formal disclosure document. When the spouses come to a financial agreement, the signed statement is registered in the Book of Council and Session in Edinburgh.

If there is a financial change of circumstance post-divorce, then an alteration to this agreement can be made. The Statement of Means or Form E, is not used in Northern Ireland, but rather the court asks for similar financial disclosure at the preliminary hearing.

A judge goes over the paperwork including the Statement of Arrangements for Children. If he does not have any questions and approves of the paperwork, then a Certificate of Entitlement to a Divorce Decree is issued. He posts a copy to the Petitioner giving the date of when the Decree Nisi will be issued.

No court appearance is needed for this provisional decree. The Decree Nisi is issued in the middle of the divorce proceedings. In Scotland there is no Decree Nisi.

The petitioner must wait six weeks and a day before the Decree Nisi is made absolute. The Decree Absolute is not issued automatically and must be requested.

This interim period gives time to work on any financial or child arrangements before the divorce is finalized. The spouses may be sent to mediation to negotiate either child or financial arrangements before the divorce is finalized.

If the petitioner does not apply for Decree Absolute within four and half months, then the respondent is free to do so. If neither has applied for this within a year, then a judge may mandate an explanation of why there was such a long wait. When the Decree Absolute is issued, then the divorce is finalized.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

You might be interested in

Coping with Divorce at Work

Coping with Divorce at Work

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

There can be issues that arise on the job when going through divorce.

For one thing, an individual may have to leave for divorce sessions or court dates. Consider scheduling mediation or collaborative meetings around lunch time or staying a bit later that day.

See if your divorce professional has early morning slots so that your job is not impacted by absences.

Inform your supervisor regarding your divorce, in case your emotions are more extreme or your interactions are a bit erratic at work.

My two bosses gave me some leeway during this stressful time. It is a toss-up whether or not to tell your co-workers about your situation. The other female and I went out for lattes and I blew off some steam away from our place of employment.

If you feel your work may be slipping a little – then consider confiding in a few trusted colleagues. They can proactively catch some mistakes or at least realize that this is a temporary condition. In some places, one may be the subject of gossip around the office.

Many people pour themselves into their jobs for a much needed distraction.

It can be one’s oasis of calm in the turbulent sea of divorce. Laughing and talking with my fun-loving co-workers helped me keep my sanity. Work projects and tasks keep minds focused and off divorce problems.

Constantly checking one’s phone for messages takes time away from the job and thrusts one back into their divorce situation. Possibly look at texts or e-mail once during the work day, such as during lunch. I did not check anything at all while on the job and had my solicitor or her paralegal call me if something urgent arose. This gave me a break. Then when I got home, I dealt with divorce matters.

What to do if you are about to lose it at work. Pause and take a mini break. Get away from your immediate environment and walk around the block or down some long hallways.

Getting out in nature is therapeutic and decreases stress, as some studies have shown. Go to a nearby park to eat your lunch. Some people use their lunch breaks to release tension by working out at a gym or going for a run. Meeting up with friends for a few laughs during lunch can get you back on track.

There are homeopathic remedies that reduce stress and anxiety. I squirted Bach’s Rescue Remedy into my mouth when feeling overwhelmed with divorce. There are plenty of other brands on the market to take long-term or as a quick fix.

Just as a pregnant woman gets plenty of unsolicited advice, so do people going through divorce. Good friends as well as those you barely know may be inquisitive.

At work, consider having a few close colleagues tell others that you do not want to discuss your divorce, when you have had enough questions. You do not owe anyone explanations or updates.

When cornered at social gatherings, one can fend off questions by saying “Let’s talk about something more fun. How was your holiday?” Keep changing the subject and even the densest person will eventually get the message.

When given advice or told long winded stories of others’ divorces, feel free to say “That’s interesting. I’ll think about it.” That said, I did get a lot of help listening to other folks’ divorce tales and suggestions.

If falling to pieces, consider seeing a life or divorce coach who can help you devise some coping strategies. They will guide you in finding a good work/family balance. A coach is great at listening and working with you to have an easier time with divorce.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

 

You might be interested in

How to Start the Divorce Process

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

In England and Wales, the person filing for divorce is the petitioner and in Scotland it is the pursuer.

The other spouse is the respondent in England and Wales and the defender in Scotland.

The process of divorce commences when the petitioner files the divorce petition to the court. Included with the petition is:

  • Marriage certificate
  • Issues of divorce with one of the grounds
  • What you want to receive financially

If the couple has children then a Statement of Arrangements must also be sent which includes:

  • Where they now live and future visitation plans
  • Their school and any educational or after school needs
  • Any child support requested
  • Any disability or health requirements
  • A Parenting Plan may be attached

The spouse must formally be served these papers in one of these ways:

  • The court posts these papers to your spouse adding the Acknowledgment of Service You or your solicitor will be notified if they are returned back to the court as undeliverable.
  • A bailiff can serve the divorce papers directly to your spouse. A certain form is filled out and a fee is collected for this service.
  • In Scotland there is no Acknowledgement of Service sent to the defender (respondent) spouse. They receive the initial writ from the court containing the grounds for divorce, arrangements for children, and finances. If the other spouse disagrees with any of these, then they fill out a Notice of Intention to Defend form and return it to the court.

The respondent has a week to respond and to send an Acknowledgement of Service to the court verifying that it was received and contains the following:

  • If he/she consents to the divorce
  • Objects to anything in the petition
  • Agrees or disagrees with Arrangements for Children

The respondent has twenty-eight days to file an answer if he intends to defend (contest) the divorce. He can file a ‘’cross petition’’ if he feels that the marriage is over, but not for the reason that the petitioner stated in the divorce petition.

After the respondent returns the Acknowledgement of Service to the court, a copy is posted to the petitioner or their solicitor.

The next step in the divorce process is the petitioner files an Affidavit with the court.

This is a sworn statement that is done before another solicitor (not yours) or a court official which verifies that the signature on the Acknowledgement of Service form is that of your spouse. Also you confirm what is in the Divorce Petition is correct.

Both spouses fill out the incredibly detailed, twenty-eight page Form E or Statement of Means, and give it to the court and the other solicitor. If there is to be a court hearing, then Form E is to arrive thirty-five days ahead of time.

This form is a disclosure of what one’s assets are and copies of financial records are attached to this sworn document. Mediation and collaborative divorce may use Form E to collect financial data.

Questions included in Form E or Statement of Means are:

  • Standard of living you had during your marriage and what you expect post-divorce
  • What debts you have and what is owned to you
  • Income needs for yourself and children residing with you
  • Lists of investments, bank accounts, pensions with account numbers, companies and amounts
  • Insurance with surrender value
  • Properties and their worth
  • Cars and other household assets and their value

In Scotland there is no Form E or formal disclosure document. When the spouses come to a financial agreement, the signed statement is registered in the Book of Council and Session in Edinburgh.

If there is a financial change of circumstance post-divorce, then an alteration to this agreement can be made. The Statement of Means or Form E, is not used in Northern Ireland, but rather the court asks for similar financial disclosure at the preliminary hearing.

A judge goes over the paperwork including the Statement of Arrangements for Children. If he does not have any questions and approves of the paperwork, then a Certificate of Entitlement to a Divorce Decree is issued.

He posts a copy to the Petitioner giving the date of when the Decree Nisi will be issued. No court appearance is needed for this provisional decree. The Decree Nisi is issued in the middle of the divorce proceedings. In Scotland there is no Decree Nisi.

The petitioner must wait six weeks and a day before the Decree Nisi is made absolute. The Decree Absolute is not issued automatically and must be requested.

This interim period gives time to work on any financial or child arrangements before the divorce is finalized. The spouses may be sent to mediation to negotiate either child or financial arrangements before the divorce is finalized.

If the petitioner does not apply for Decree Absolute within four and half months, then the respondent is free to do so. If neither has applied for this within a year, then a judge may mandate an explanation of why there was such a long wait. When the Decree Absolute is issued, then the divorce is finalized.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

You might be interested in

Boosting Children’s Self-Esteem in Divorce

Boosting Children’s Self-Esteem in Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce affects children in many ways, including changes in their lifestyles and schedules.

It can also impact their self-esteem, especially if the youngsters felt they were the cause of their parents’ separation. Reassure them that they are not to blame.

Talk to your kids and correct any misconceptions tied to divorce such as, “If I was better, my parents would still be together.” Discover the root cause of a lower self-esteem in order to know how to help.

After my parents’ divorce as a small child, my self-esteem dipped.

Although this coincided with the divorce, it was not related. My father found out it was because I was one of the last to be picked for a team in physical education class, due to my poor batting skills. On Sunday afternoons, my father had me practice both hitting and catching a baseball. With this vast improvement, I was wanted for teams and my self-esteem got back to normal.

A key way to boost self-esteem is by giving children opportunities to build up their strengths and talents. If they are athletic, sign them up for sports. If artsy, then for classes. When children become proficient in their hobby, new skill or interest, this increases confidence. Confidence in one area spills over into others and raises their self-esteem.

Having a healthy self-esteem comes from within and is not dependent upon a cheering squad to pile on compliments. The trick is to help the child feel good about themselves and not be reliant upon others to give them validation.

My sons increased their feeling of self-worth by volunteering. Both helped out at an animal rescue charity. If a kid is feeling unlovable, giving back to others will change this gloomy outlook. My boys felt appreciated by both the affectionate animals and other volunteers. Volunteering enables them to feel that they have some power to make a difference in the world.

There is a trend to boost self-esteem by telling each child that they are “special.” There are seven billion people in the world, so I make it a point to inform my sons that they are NOT special.

Merriam Webster dictionary’s definition of special is “distinguished by some unusual quality” which is more in line with Winston Churchill, Mother Teresa and David Bowie. Each person has talents and characteristics which are unique, same as fingerprints are unique.

The new generation of “special” teens and twenties is becoming a nightmare in the workplace, which is the topic of conversations between my sons and their friends.

These special people do not want to clean the loo, take out the trash or do menial chores that are perceived beneath them. They do not handle feedback or job evaluations well either, since they were bombarded with praise as kids.

It is a rude awakening for these “special” young people later in life, that the world does not owe them anything. Special implies special treatment, often with a sense of entitlement. I witness this over and over in the schools. A teacher told me that the children who are told they are special, are the ones who baulk at doing classroom chores. Another said youngsters can get used to receiving “unspecified praise.” Instead, praise them after a hard-earned accomplishment, as in winning a regional championship or a well-done performance.

Nurture your children during divorce with cuddles and attention. Do family activities together and have fun. Children feel more secure and know what to expect when boundaries are clear.

Our job as parents is to help kids feel good about themselves without a sense of entitlement and to respect others.

Ask kids periodically how they are feeling and if there are any issues. If you are sensing that their self-esteem is low or they are not adjusting to your divorce, consider having them see a child coach or therapist to help set them on the right path.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

You might be interested in

Divorce after the Holidays
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Divorce after the Holidays

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Some people have chosen to stay together until after the holidays for a variety of reasons.

It may be to give the children one last Christmas together.

One agony aunt printed a letter from a woman whose daughter-in-law is filing for divorce at the beginning of the year. She questioned what to buy an exiting in-law for Christmas and how to deal with this charade around her grandchildren (who are not informed of the upcoming parental split).

A couple may be hoping that the holiday season will patch up any holes in their relationship. The magic of Christmas does not extend to fixing a broken marital partnership.

The holidays can shine a spotlight on problems that are bubbling up just under the surface. Busy day to day activities with a packed schedule can mask issues that are not being addressed. When one or both have long job commutes or kids with jammed agendas, this enables a couple to pretend that everything is okay.

When interacting with each other (or attempting to avoid it) during holiday time off from work, spouses can feel empty inside.

When holidays are lonelier being married than they ever were when single, this is a warning that something needs to be done. Holidays can be the big wakeup call that you really do not want to be with your partner for the next set of holidays the following December.

After a few excruciating New Year’s Eves with her husband, a woman thought over their relationship.  Coming to the realization that she did not ever want to be alone with him, pushed her into ending her marriage. Although now divorced, her solo New Year’s Eves are something she anticipates rather than dreads.

The holidays are over and people are thinking about New Year resolutions or changes that they want to make in their lives.

This introspection is one reason that divorce solicitors and mediators are extra busy in January and February. Feeling hollow and that the holidays were lacking something, can point that all is not well with an area in life. If things are going fine at work, with kids and so forth, then look at your marriage.

Some spouses do not see that they are avoiding each other by participating in a whirlwind of holiday events.

People that are only staying together for the sake of the kids may find holidays extra challenging.

A parent who was trying to stay married until at least her youngest daughter was close to going to uni planned a cruise over Christmas. Yes, she only had to be with her spouse in a festive group setting, but the cruise only slightly delayed the inevitable. She filed for divorce the following February long before her target date.

The holiday cruise was merely a distraction from her toxic marriage, not a solution.

The holidays may have highlighted some hidden issues, so see if your relationship can be salvaged. Talk to your spouse about your relationship to determine if they are also having questions or issues. Some do this when walking which makes it easier to open up without having to make eye contact.

Others may choose to discuss their relationship at the pub or over a glass of wine. If things are not resolved, consider marital counselling.  If your spouse refuses to do so, then go alone.

If you get a divorce this year, The Divorce Magazine has plenty of suggestions how to have happy holidays when single.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

You might be interested in

Divorce for Women Fifty

Divorce for Women Over Fifty

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Different decades have their unique concerns when it comes to divorce.

Women over fifty are caught between wanting liquid assets that will help them start their new life, yet receiving enough in retirement funds.

Consider consulting with your own financial advisor who will look over all that is on the financial table.

They will assist in determining what is the most advantageous split for you or come up with several options. They can meet with your solicitor to ensure you three are on the same page.

A house may look like a £400, 000 asset, but in reality be worth half of that, if there is still a mortgage on it. I opted for cash in order to pay down the mortgage on my new house. Now that retirement is looming closer on the horizon, that may not have been the best decision.

In divorce, a tax expert may be brought on board to assess what the tax consequences are for various investments and pension plans. Some are taxed upon withdrawing funds and others are not. If two accounts are valued at £ 20,000 and one will have a tax to be paid, then dividing these between spouses is not an even distribution.

Nowadays, the trend is to have maintenance paid for a shorter period of time, perhaps a few years. Or there may be a clean break where assets are split and both walk away from the marriage without any future payments.

If one spouse owns a business, then an expert may be brought in to value it. This is trickier when it is service related and there is not much inventory. The other spouse would receive less compensation than if there was pricey equipment or stock.

During the chaos of divorce proceedings, one may be in survival mode and not thinking of what is around the corner.

Will your last child be leaving home soon after divorce?

In this case, consider selling the marital home during divorce and downsizing. My older son was starting university in less than two years, with his younger brother following behind him post-divorce. It made sense to buy a small house during divorce which accommodated us three, yet would be perfect for a single person with cats.

Think about your situation and what lies ahead.

Baby Boomers are the sandwich generation with kids at home and also being responsible for elder care.

If your parents or another family member are requiring your attention, will you be relocating near them at some point? That is another reason to sell the marital home, splitting the proceeds so that you are not tied down to a specific location.

It was nice being in a new place with my sons. There are many choices to make during divorce and a life coach can help you sort through them when feeling overwhelmed.

A woman in her fifties has accumulated much stuff. De-cluttering before moving or even if staying in the marital home is beneficial. This is a good time to keep just what you truly like and get rid of the excess. Purge your closet and take clothes to a consignment shop.

I worked for a company that sold clients’ items online and took boxes of china, stemware and other personal possessions to them. The extra money was much appreciated. I had several huge yard sales and a friend was most helpful in sourcing buyers for furniture. Make sure you have divided personal property first or have checked in with your solicitor before selling anything.

I got rid of unwanted gifts, some of which were from my soon-to-be-ex. Some items will no longer be needed with your new lifestyle. An example is, if you lavishly entertained your spouse’s business colleagues and clients, those platters, and so forth can be sold.

If you have been out of the job market for a while, a career coach can assess your skill set, give recommendations and help you find employment. Or you may want to take some courses or training which can help you get a larger salary. You may want to change careers, freelance, or work for a temp agency to determine what work interests you.

When one has been married for a few decades, getting a divorce is a major upheaval in life. Talking with others going through this life transition can be reassuring that you are not alone. There are various classes and resources to help you get through this. Reach out to family and friends.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

You might be interested in

life after divorce
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New Trend in Life after Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

There is a new trend after divorce when getting remarried, which is each person keeps their own home.

Some divorced folks whose subsequent marriages are in their second decade or so, claim living apart is their secret to marital satisfaction.

Keep in mind, these are people who do not have a child together who would be shuttled back and forth between two places. These couples are childless or have offspring who have flown the nest.

Why is this occurring?

In one case, a couple could not decide which location to live in. Although neither had nine-to-five jobs, they had work commitments tied to their residences.

He freelanced in London and she was an artist near Cornwall who painted exquisite landscapes. They felt that they had loads of time to decide where to live which turned out to be the key to making this work.

He spends long weekends enjoying the bucolic countryside around her cottage and she likes the excitement of a few days in London. They use their time apart for some solitude or getting together with local friends.

What surprised these two was that they had already hit upon the solution – to continue their current lifestyle permanently . When together, they are very focused on each other.

How does living in separate households work?

  • Are you both independent types who crave alone time or do not want someone around 24/7, no matter how much you are in love? One couple who each have been divorced, are both in education. He is on the faculty of a college and she is a therapist in a primary school. They live nearby in their own houses and have been together for nine years. She states that they would “Drive each other crazy” if they ever lived under the same roof.
  • Logistically is it better to have your separate places? This may be due to having to be near elderly parents or a family member with a terminal condition. Another example is when job commitments are in different places and each wants to keep their house.
  • life after divorceIt may be temporary, such as when someone has a job contract that will be finished in several months. A divorced woman with a beloved elderly cat married a divorced man who has a severe allergy to them. The cat was not going to be around much longer. She was at her condo every day to feed and be with the cat, sometimes spending the night, particularly at the end. Her husband told me that he has such respect for his wife. They knew this was a temporary set-up and the cat died six months after their marriage. This woman has no regrets since her eighteen-year-old companion lived out his final days in a familiar place.
  • Maybe one is a big city person and the other loves farm life or living in the countryside. This does not have to be an either-or situation. Living separately part-time and commuting to be with each is doable. It helps when the couple’s places are an easy drive or linked by good public transportation.
  • Two opposites may attract, yet not be able to live day-to-day with each other. A divorced woman wed a military man who was a widower. He had been married for fifty years and was used to things being done in a certain way, plus has quirks from his time in the military (extreme neatness). She is a creative artist who is oblivious to a mess and is attached to her tiny home. He bought a condo a block away and so far, this situation is working out for them.
  • Families may not mix well. I asked my divorced friend what was the happiness secret for her subsequent marriage which lasted twenty years. She replied “Because we each had our separate houses.” Bill lived forty-five minutes away near where he worked. He was active in their mutual church which was near Ellen’s house. Living part-time with Bill mostly avoided the touchy issue that his adult daughters intensely loathed Ellen. Bill doted on his daughters and could spend time with them, while sparing Ellen of this ordeal. These women were vindictive after his death so Ellen was glad to have had only a few sporadic interactions with them while married.

The majority of people want to live together when married.

For others in different situations, be creative and think outside of the box. A life coach can help devise a plan for how to be together when there are some constraints for residing in one location.

Situations change and living apart may end up be temporary.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

You might be interested in

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Are You Sabotaging Your Divorce?

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Your behaviour in divorce has an impact on its outcome.

Attempting to score points with verbal sparring against your opponent (spouse) may temporarily feel like a victory.

In reality, it raises legal fees and prolongs proceedings. Trading insults with each other distracts one from staying on task. Blow off negativity to friends before walking into a divorce session.

Do not sabotage your divorce by confiding its details to people who may not honour your confidentiality. Your divorce can become the subject of juicy gossip.

Instead, talk about your feelings or changes in your life, such as moving to a new place.

I messed up on this one. A few things I said during my divorce got back to my husband, who brought it up at a collaborative meeting. My solicitor told me to zip up my mouth. If you are friendly with your spouse’s co-workers or friends – divorce is not the time to divulge deep secrets.

Be discreet, so you do not learn this the hard way, as I did. Keeping quiet is especially critical if you both are in the same field. Disparaging remarks about your soon-to-be-ex, can damage their reputation or make encounters at professional events awkward.

The last thing you need during divorce is to be sued for slander.

Another problem area is revealing too much on social media.

This has been the cause for divorce when an unsuspecting spouse discovers the existence of a lover. Solicitors have used what someone has posted on social media during proceedings. This is particularly important when the amount of shared care is being determined.

Photos of a parent cavorting around at parties looking drunk, can make them appear a bit unstable. This can hurt when applying for jobs, as potential employers check Facebook and other sites. One may have strict privacy settings, however their friends may not. People can post pictures without your consent, so talk to friends about this issue.

Are You Sabotaging Your DivorceNot being truthful on Form E with your financial disclosure can come back to haunt you. Hidden assets can be discovered by a forensic accountant which then has serious repercussions.

There have been big divorce cases in the news recently where one other spouse successfully sued for more assets when the other one lied about their wealth.

A monetary penalty can be given or a much bigger share of the hidden fund awarded to the spouse who sued for it. Being honest in the first place can avoid these legal entanglements during proceedings or months later when the financial discrepancy comes to light.

False allegations about the other party can backfire.

If abuse is even insinuated, it will be checked out. If one has lied, that may affect the financial outcome or shared time with kids.

Being perceived as unbalanced will not help your case. Some parents practice parental alienation to get the children on their side and the other parent out of the picture. This puts kids in a loyalty bind.

One father and his mother continually made nasty comments about the boys’ mum around them. He ended up with no overnights and more limited contact. Do not sabotage shared time with putdowns of the other parent, but rather say nothing at all.

It is to one’s advantage to get through divorce as quickly as possible in order to move on. Trying to drag it out so you can hang on to your spouse longer or punish them ends up hurting you.

A new chapter is about to begin.

Reframe your thoughts to accept opportunities coming your way rather than clinging to the past which can derail your divorce.

About Wendi

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

 

You might be interested in

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