Sophie Johnston

You’ve written a perfectly reasonable two-line message about collecting your belongings. Yet you read it six times, remove a full stop in case it sounds cold, and wonder whether you should ask someone else to check it.

The relationship has ended. Somehow, the feeling that you’re about to do something wrong hasn’t.

After an emotionally abusive separation, self-trust can feel surprisingly difficult to recover. You might be free to make your own decisions again, yet still approach each one as though it needs to be defended.

The answer isn’t to force yourself to feel confident. It’s to make room for your own judgement, one decision at a time.

Why Leaving Doesn’t Automatically End the Self-Doubt

When ordinary disagreements repeatedly led to criticism, denial or accusations of being “too sensitive”, you may have learned to explain yourself before anyone even asked. Perhaps you checked the other person’s mood before raising a concern, or stopped mentioning things that mattered to you because the fallout felt exhausting.

The NHS identifies repeated belittling, blame, isolation and controlling behaviour among the signs of emotional abuse.

That kind of experience can leave you questioning whether your reactions are reasonable. But having doubts now doesn’t mean the other person’s version of events was correct.

You also don’t need to settle on a diagnosis or a label for your former partner to take the impact seriously. Start with what happened: Were you able to disagree? Could you make choices without being punished or ridiculed? Did you gradually stop trusting what you noticed?

When You Start Second-Guessing, Separate Three Things

Suppose you receive a message about returning some belongings. Alongside the practical question comes a remark about how difficult you supposedly are. Within seconds, you are drafting a long defence of your character.

Before responding, if it is safe to do so, try distinguishing:

• What happened: “They asked when the items can be collected and called me difficult.”
• What I’m assuming: “If I don’t explain myself, everyone will believe I’m unreasonable.”
• What needs attention: “I need to decide whether and how to arrange the collection safely.”

The aim isn’t to prove your interpretation is flawless. It is to stop an accusation from automatically becoming an instruction.

Sometimes the sensible response is a brief practical answer. Sometimes it is to pause, ask a trusted person for support or use an agreed intermediary. You don’t have to resolve an argument about your personality to deal with a logistical question.

Ask for Perspective Without Handing Over the Decision

After a relationship where your judgement was routinely challenged, reassurance from other people can feel essential. There’s nothing weak about needing support. The distinction is between gathering useful information and asking somebody else to authorise your feelings.

Instead of, “Am I being ridiculous?”, you might ask a trusted friend, “Is there anything practical I’ve overlooked?” or “Can you help me think through the options?”

You are still allowed to disagree with their advice.

And consider one decision about your new routine that is genuinely yours to make: whose company you enjoy, what you want to do at the weekend or how you arrange your own space. It doesn’t have to be momentous. Notice the temptation to defend your preference, then let it stand.

If it turns out to be the wrong choice, you’re allowed to change it. That’s judgement in action, not evidence that you can’t be trusted.

What If You Still Have to Communicate With Your Ex?

For many people, separation doesn’t mean a clean break. Children, shared housing, finances or legal proceedings may require ongoing contact. Advice to “just block them” can be unrealistic and, in some situations, unsafe.

Women’s Aid explains that abuse can continue after separation, including through contact arrangements, finances and legal processes.

This is where boundaries need to be practical, not performative. You may decide to keep necessary discussions focused on arrangements rather than responding to personal insults, if doing so is safe and consistent with any legal obligations.

For example: “I can confirm the collection time by Friday.”

You don’t have to deliver a perfect speech or persuade someone that your boundary is fair. Where there is harassment, intimidation or a risk of escalation, seek specialist domestic-abuse and appropriate legal support for a communication and safety plan suited to your circumstances.

Missing Them Doesn’t Mean You Misjudged Everything

There may be moments when you miss the person, the familiar routines or the future you imagined together. That longing can make you question whether the separation was necessary.

But remembering affection doesn’t erase experiences of harm. Both can be part of the same history.

You can also feel relieved and frightened, or certain one morning and unsure that evening. There’s no requirement to produce a consistent emotional narrative for anyone else.

Rebuilding self-trust may look less dramatic than you expect. One day, you might answer a straightforward question without rehearsing an apology. You might ask for advice, consider it, and make your own choice. You might notice that something feels wrong and take the feeling seriously enough to explore it.

Not because you know everything. Because you no longer have to disregard yourself before you begin.

About Sophie Johnston

Sophie Johnston is the founder of NPD-Thrivers, a survivor-led educational project supporting people recovering from narcissistic and emotional abuse. Drawing on lived experience, she writes about recognising harmful patterns, rebuilding boundaries and learning to trust yourself again.

Website: https://www.npd-thrivers.com