Caron Kipping

Housing Transitions: Moving Forward in your Space or Finding a New Home
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Housing Transitions: Moving Forward in your Space or Finding a New Home

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Caron Kipping
Caron Kipping
Divorce & Separation Coach/IDVA
CK Coaching Ltd

Grieving for the loss

To some people it might seem ridiculous or petty to feel upset about the loss of your family home, but research shows moving home is one of the most stressful life experiences you can go through and it’s not just because of the stressful and often complicated practicalities of moving. It’s because homes are hugely connected to our emotions too – our home is built not just from bricks and mortar but from memories – happy or sad. We have celebrated, mourned, built, rebuilt and put our personal stamp on our home so when we have to let go (particularly if it’s not our wish to let go) it can feel tough.

When you lose your home because of divorce, you are grieving for the loss of the life you thought you were going to have in your home. You have a sense of loss about ‘what could have been’ had your relationship worked out. The sale of the home might reinforce the loss of everything you had before you moved to that house – perhaps you moved away from all your support network and everything familiar, to follow your ex to the home he/she chose and that makes you feel angry. Even if your relationship was abusive there might have been some good times had there. Leaving the family home marks the end of your relationship and the beginning of a new era for you, and that takes time to process and adjust to. 

Moving On

As with other forms of grief, moving forwards takes time – the physical act of moving out can be tough if you haven’t quite managed to let go yet. Many people wish to hold on to the family home after divorce, but you must think it through practically rather than emotionally because often how you feel at the beginning of the divorce changes as you progress through it. Don’t hang on to it because moving on feels scary – think through the practical and realistic pros and cons of leaving it behind and when the answer becomes obvious, go with it – whatever the decision, if you stay or if you go, you will be ok.

Here are some practical tips to help make moving on easier:

  1. Enlist the help of others to assist you with packing- get friends or family involved. It’s much easier and can even feel like fun if you have friends to help you.
  2. Declutter as you go and try to visualise a cathartic process – ‘out with the old, in with the new’ – get rid of bad memories to clear space for new positive ones.
  3. Just start. If you feel overwhelmed by the sheer amount of packing up to do, just start. Start in one corner and focus on clearing and packing one part of a room at a time. Breaking down a huge task into smaller tasks helps it feel more manageable.
  4. Use professionals to help you – If you can afford to, specialists such as https://thehomemover.co.uk/ can help with finding you a new property, moving furniture, changing utilities and unpacking.
  5. Try to see the positives of your new home – it might be smaller but that means less housework and less maintenance! It might feel more secure than your previous home, you might be in a cul-de-sac which is quieter but with nice neighbours, rather than in a big house where you are actually quite isolated. It might be rented rather than mortgaged, but that allows you time to heal, to really consider long-term decisions without rushing and as long as it is a happy home, who cares?! Find the positives.

Creating a New Space

If you are staying in the family home that can still feel tough to begin with – although you don’t have the stress of re-locating, you are surrounded by memories – some of which you might want to forget. Here are some tips to help you reclaim your space and make it a place where you want to be again:

  • Move the furniture around – shift the chair where your ex used to sit to a different position in the room, moving the furniture creates a different feel in the room
  • Buy new bedding, move the bed to a different position if you can or make the bedroom feel different by putting new accessories in there and new happy pictures of you. Move your pillows to the centre of the bed so there is no obvious space on the other side of the bed
  • Put up happy photos in your home – photos of new memories. If you need to keep photos of your ex up for the children, put them in their room so you don’t have to look at them all the time. It’s important you focus on now and the future, rather than the past.
  • Get the paintbrush out and change the colours and space to suit you – if your ex was minimalist, put your trinkets out – if you previously had a grey and white theme throughout, add splashes of colour. It’s yours now, you can make the house suit your personality!

Change is always difficult but it can feel good once you give yourself space to adjust . A happy home is one that is safe, that feels like a sanctuary and is peaceful – wherever that is.

About Caron Kipping

Caron has worked in the domestic abuse sector for many years and now works privately as an accredited Divorce Coach specialising in coercive control and post-separation abuse. Caron is author of ‘Recognition to Recovery – How to Leave your Abusive Ex Behind for Good!’ and creator of her Insights Recovery programme. Caron supports clients through 1:1 coaching sessions, IDVA court support and via her peer support groups and is a highly respected speaker on all aspects of domestic abuse.

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Pregnancy, Controlling Relationships and Divorce

Pregnancy, Controlling Relationships and Divorce

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“…But he’s a good dad.” If I had a pound for every time I had heard that I would be a millionaire!

Caron Kipping
Caron Kipping-Divorce Coach and IDVA

Is getting pregnant a good idea?

To start with, is having a baby together going to be joint decision? Do you feel ready to have a baby together or do you feel under pressure to get pregnant? Are you financially stable? Do you have a secure home environment to bring a baby home to? Do you have a good support network? What are your core reasons for wanting to have a baby together?

If the answers to the above are ‘no’ and you are hoping a baby will bring you closer together and repair the cracks that have already started to appear in your relationship then I am afraid you are likely to be on the road to disaster.

Babies are cute and cuddly, but they are also demanding, emotionally exhausting, financially draining and having a baby because all your friends are or to  ‘fill a gap’ is never a good idea. If your partner is already abusive, having a child together will give them a great excuse to continue that abuse , even if your relationship doesn’t last.

“All my friends were getting married and having children, so I just thought it was ‘my time’. What it did, was make things much worse. I should have been strong enough to accept that the relationship wasn’t right, instead of hoping a child would repair it.” –  Claire, Maidenhead.

Having a baby with someone who is abusing you won’t make them feel more secure or make you a ‘proper’ family unit. It will exacerbate the control that is already present.

 

Pregnancy and emotional abuse

Very often pregnancy actually becomes a pivotal time when the dynamics in the relationship change. Suddenly your partner is not your number one priority – your baby is. Whilst this can be a time of joy, excitement and expectation for many couples, for some this brings increased fear, anxiety and worry and instead of feeling more ‘together’ , you can feel more alone. Jealous and controlling partners try to keep you away from professionals, from friends and family, they criticise your choices around feeding and parenting and the control escalates, leaving you feeling more trapped than ever before and questioning your own abilities as a parent and destroying your confidence.

I have known many women who have been physically assaulted whilst holding their own baby, so don’t think that the baby will protect you. It can be incredibly stressful trying to protect not only yourself but a baby who is incredibly vulnerable.

 

“I thought having a baby together would make him feel more secure. Instead he became really jealous – he didn’t like me breastfeeding, he blamed me and shouted at me when the baby wouldn’t stop screaming (even though she had colic) and criticised everything I did, whilst pretending to be the perfect dad to everyone else. He never did anything for my daughter , he physically and emotionally hurt me , yet as soon as I left, he was trying to gain sympathy from everyone else about why he couldn’t see his child”– Karen, Slough

 

How emotional abuse affects your child

Your children pick up on anxiety and stress at home, even from a young age and even during pregnancy. This can lead to a range of emotional, developmental and behavioral problems later on, so consider how this relationship is affecting you and how it is affecting your child.  Miscarriage, premature birth, developmental delay, ADHD, can be just a few of the ways your child can be affected – not to mention the risk of physical harm and emotional impact of growing up in an abusive home.

The earlier you get out, the easier it is to recover, but you must do so with professional help to make sure you do this safely.

 

Divorcing when you have a child together

This can definitely be a challenge and it is important you get professional advice to protect yourself legally, to ensure you are safe and to protect yourself financially. Unfortunately, when you have a child together, you are always tied together, so it’s important you know how to manage your ex’s behavior, learn how to cope better and find some strategies that can help you co-parent. Getting the boundaries right from the outset and understanding how you want to move forwards is key to being able to forge a new life for yourself and your child after separation.

 

How I can Help

About 20 years ago I ended my marriage. After years of controlling /coercive behavior I started divorce proceedings. This was a really scary time and my mission is to ensure that nobody feels how I felt at that time. I gradually created techniques that helped me back on the road to recovery. I trained as an IDVA (a domestic abuse specialist) and spent the next 13 years supporting other women in abusive relationships.

I am now an accredited  Divorce Coach, and set up this business to help women in abusive or controlling relationships. I have trained other Divorce Coaches on domestic abuse, spoke at The Divorce Fair last year : https://www.oriongrouplondon.uk and will be exhibiting at the Find Your Power event in March:   https://find-your-power.com

Call me if you are worried about how your relationship is affecting you or your child on: 07899991304 or go to my website: https://www.caronkippingcoaching.com or speak to your midwife, your Health Visitor or your GP. There IS help for you – don’t struggle alone.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES ON CONTROLLING RELATIONSHIPS

 

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