Controlling Relationships

19 result(s) found.

Pregnancy, Controlling Relationships and Divorce

Pregnancy, Controlling Relationships and Divorce

Published on

 

“…But he’s a good dad.” If I had a pound for every time I had heard that I would be a millionaire!

Caron Kipping
Caron Kipping-Divorce Coach and IDVA

Is getting pregnant a good idea?

To start with, is having a baby together going to be joint decision? Do you feel ready to have a baby together or do you feel under pressure to get pregnant? Are you financially stable? Do you have a secure home environment to bring a baby home to? Do you have a good support network? What are your core reasons for wanting to have a baby together?

If the answers to the above are ‘no’ and you are hoping a baby will bring you closer together and repair the cracks that have already started to appear in your relationship then I am afraid you are likely to be on the road to disaster.

Babies are cute and cuddly, but they are also demanding, emotionally exhausting, financially draining and having a baby because all your friends are or to  ‘fill a gap’ is never a good idea. If your partner is already abusive, having a child together will give them a great excuse to continue that abuse , even if your relationship doesn’t last.

“All my friends were getting married and having children, so I just thought it was ‘my time’. What it did, was make things much worse. I should have been strong enough to accept that the relationship wasn’t right, instead of hoping a child would repair it.” –  Claire, Maidenhead.

Having a baby with someone who is abusing you won’t make them feel more secure or make you a ‘proper’ family unit. It will exacerbate the control that is already present.

 

Pregnancy and emotional abuse

Very often pregnancy actually becomes a pivotal time when the dynamics in the relationship change. Suddenly your partner is not your number one priority – your baby is. Whilst this can be a time of joy, excitement and expectation for many couples, for some this brings increased fear, anxiety and worry and instead of feeling more ‘together’ , you can feel more alone. Jealous and controlling partners try to keep you away from professionals, from friends and family, they criticise your choices around feeding and parenting and the control escalates, leaving you feeling more trapped than ever before and questioning your own abilities as a parent and destroying your confidence.

I have known many women who have been physically assaulted whilst holding their own baby, so don’t think that the baby will protect you. It can be incredibly stressful trying to protect not only yourself but a baby who is incredibly vulnerable.

 

“I thought having a baby together would make him feel more secure. Instead he became really jealous – he didn’t like me breastfeeding, he blamed me and shouted at me when the baby wouldn’t stop screaming (even though she had colic) and criticised everything I did, whilst pretending to be the perfect dad to everyone else. He never did anything for my daughter , he physically and emotionally hurt me , yet as soon as I left, he was trying to gain sympathy from everyone else about why he couldn’t see his child”– Karen, Slough

 

How emotional abuse affects your child

Your children pick up on anxiety and stress at home, even from a young age and even during pregnancy. This can lead to a range of emotional, developmental and behavioral problems later on, so consider how this relationship is affecting you and how it is affecting your child.  Miscarriage, premature birth, developmental delay, ADHD, can be just a few of the ways your child can be affected – not to mention the risk of physical harm and emotional impact of growing up in an abusive home.

The earlier you get out, the easier it is to recover, but you must do so with professional help to make sure you do this safely.

 

Divorcing when you have a child together

This can definitely be a challenge and it is important you get professional advice to protect yourself legally, to ensure you are safe and to protect yourself financially. Unfortunately, when you have a child together, you are always tied together, so it’s important you know how to manage your ex’s behavior, learn how to cope better and find some strategies that can help you co-parent. Getting the boundaries right from the outset and understanding how you want to move forwards is key to being able to forge a new life for yourself and your child after separation.

 

How I can Help

About 20 years ago I ended my marriage. After years of controlling /coercive behavior I started divorce proceedings. This was a really scary time and my mission is to ensure that nobody feels how I felt at that time. I gradually created techniques that helped me back on the road to recovery. I trained as an IDVA (a domestic abuse specialist) and spent the next 13 years supporting other women in abusive relationships.

I am now an accredited  Divorce Coach, and set up this business to help women in abusive or controlling relationships. I have trained other Divorce Coaches on domestic abuse, spoke at The Divorce Fair last year : https://www.oriongrouplondon.uk and will be exhibiting at the Find Your Power event in March:   https://find-your-power.com

Call me if you are worried about how your relationship is affecting you or your child on: 07899991304 or go to my website: https://www.caronkippingcoaching.com or speak to your midwife, your Health Visitor or your GP. There IS help for you – don’t struggle alone.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES ON CONTROLLING RELATIONSHIPS

 

You might be interested in

What is domestic abuse, controlling and coercive behaviour in an Intimate or Familial Relationship

Domestic Abuse, Controlling and Coercive Behaviour in an Intimate or Familial Relationship

Published on
Michael Rowlands
Michael Rowlands
Partner in Kingsley Napley LLP’s Family and Divorce Team

Each unhappy relationship is unhappy in its own way.

Sadly for some, emotional and physical abuse is an every-day reality.

A combination of fear, loyalty and coercion often prevents action, much to the disbelief of family and friends.

Words like these seem extraordinary in 2018. Surely no one need live like this?

The reality is that it is only in the very recent past that both criminal and family law have fully evolved to provide real recognition and protection for adults and children in abusive relationships.

Victims of domestic abuse don’t have much to be thankful for but it is good news that the law is finally on their side.

A new criminal offence of Controlling and Coercive Behaviour in an Intimate or Familial Relationship was created three years ago with The Serious Crime Act 2015, which was a game changer.

Punishable by up to five years in prison, 2018 sentencing guidelines for those convicted of this offence recognises that the crime is all the more serious for having been committed in a home, between people in a relationship.

Coercive behaviour is defined as “a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour”.

Controlling behaviour is defined as “a continuing act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim.”

The Home Office recently published guidelines listing characteristics of behaviour that might constitute an offence and this really represents a departure from historic views of what constituted domestic abuse.

The guidelines include:

  • Isolating a person from their friends and family
  • Monitoring their time
  • Monitoring a person online or using spyware
  • Taking control over aspects of their everyday life, such as where they can go, who they can see, what to wear and when they can sleep
  • Depriving them of access to support services, such as specialist support or medical services
  • Repeatedly putting them down such as telling them they are worthless
  • Enforcing rules and activity which humiliate, degrade or dehumanise the victim
  • Forcing the victim to take part in criminal activity such as shoplifting, neglect or abuse of children to encourage self-blame and prevent disclosure to authorities
  • Financial abuse including control of finances, such as only allowing a person a punitive allowance
  • Threats to hurt or kill or threats to a child
  • Threats to reveal or publish private information (e.g. threatening to ‘out’ someone)
  • Assault;
  • Criminal damage (such as destruction of household goods);
  • Rape;
  • Preventing a person from having access to transport or from working.

In addition late last year (November 2017), the family Court system was also given directions about how to engage with abusive relationships in cases involving children, essentially adopting the same definitions of controlling and coercive behaviour that applies for criminal law enforcement agencies.

Recognition was given to the fact that “domestic abuse is harmful to children, and/or puts children at risk of harm, whether they are subjected to domestic abuse, or witness one of their parents being violent or abusive to the other parent, or live in a home in which domestic abuse is perpetrated (even if the child is too young to be conscious of the behaviour). Children may suffer direct physical, psychological and/or emotional harm from living with domestic abuse, and may also suffer harm indirectly where the domestic abuse impairs the parenting capacity of either or both of their parents.”

The result is that Family Courts judging an abusive parent may put restrictions on or, in extreme cases, eliminate their ability to spend time with their children.

So I believe we have come a long way in recent years. The old expression “domestic violence” has been superseded by the recognition that “domestic abuse” can be psychological, sexual, emotional and financial as well as violent.

Domestic abuse is now seen as more serious than abuse and violence in a non-domestic environment.

On top of all this we have a greater understanding as a society of this terrible behaviour which encourages friends and family to help victims.

There are two areas however where victims continue to be let down.

Whilst the police have received improved training, we still hear and see many instances where they lack the resources to tackle problem perpetrators effectively.

Everything depends on the interest and time of the investigating officer, meaning some victims may see real action and others the opposite.

Sadly in many ways the law has moved ahead of the limits of police resources to tackle the issue according to my criminal lawyer colleagues.

We are also not yet at the stage where divorce courts make awards to victims of abuse to compensate for the treatment they have suffered. This area remains unchanged.

The division of assets and income of a marriage are usually determined based on needs save in exceptional cases.  However it will be interesting to see over time if this evolves.

Some think family law should not be above trying to influence or condemn behaviour in relationships by making it clear that domestic abuse could hit the pocket of the perpetrator. It is likely that we will see an increase in the victims of abuse asking the Courts to take conduct into account when making awards on divorce.

About Michael Rowlands

The author is Michael Rowlands, a partner in Kingsley Napley LLP’s family and divorce team. He specialises in difficult divorce cases involving allegations of abuse, narcissistic personalities and issues relating to addiction. For more information see kingsleynapley.co.uk

You might be interested in

controlling behaviour

Criminalisation of Controlling Behaviour

Published on
Eileen Macqueen - Devonshires Solicitors,
Eileen Macqueen heads the family law team at Devonshires Solicitors,

At the end of 2015, new legislation came into force introducing a new offence for ‘controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship’.

This is a hugely important step, that will help clarify what constitutes domestic abuse, making it easier for individuals to seek help.

One of the most difficult aspects of challenging domestic abuse is helping someone who has experienced such behaviour to identify it as ‘abuse.’

Of its very nature, the relationship between a perpetrator and their victim is founded on the often misguided concept of love.

While the move away from the term ‘domestic violence’ towards ‘domestic abuse’ has assisted, many individuals struggle to define their experience as abusive, particularly if it does not involve physical violence.

The historical lack of a ‘domestic violence’ definition for use in the Family Court has been unhelpful and this new criminal offence will bring clarity. The Statutory Guidance for the offence includes a non-exhaustive list of examples of coercive control, for instance where an individual:

  • Takes control over aspects of another’s everyday life, such as where they can go, who they can see, what to wear and when they can sleep
  • Repeatedly puts them down such as telling them they are worthless
  • Carries out financial abuse including controlling finances, such as only allowing a person a punitive allowance

Such examples will help individuals to identify which behaviour is unacceptable and seek help if appropriate.

The introduction of this offence will also assist with obtaining both injunctive relief and longer term assistance in the Family Court. It should make it easier to obtain a non-molestation or occupation order if there has been no violence but there are a number of other elements of coercive control. This will help individuals to escape abusive relationships before the behaviour escalates.

Furthermore, it should help police to assist those who are unwilling or unable to seek legal assistance.

Increased understanding of such abusive relationships should also help judges to identify individuals who use the legal system to continue to control their former partner, for instance, by repeated Court applications, and parents who use the arrangements for children to continue a pattern of controlling behaviour.

It is essential that the very system designed to protect those who have experienced domestic abuse is not open to violation by those perpetuating such abuse.

Domestic abuse rates have been increasing since 2009 and estimates suggest that 1.9 million people suffered domestic abuse last year. I hope that this new offence brings a glimmer of hope to such a wide-reaching, complex issue.

Eileen Macqueen heads the family law team at Devonshires Solicitors, one of the UK’s leading full service law firms. Based at the firm’s office in Finsbury Circus, London, Eileen has qualified as a solicitor-advocate (with Higher Rights of Audience) and can therefore undertake advocacy on behalf of her clients.

She is also a member of Resolution, an organisation of 6,500 family lawyers and other professionals in England and Wales who believe in a constructive, non-confrontational approach to family law matters.

You might be interested in

Our Relationship is Over: What Do I Do Now?
Image by freepik
//

Our Relationship is Over: What Do I Do Now?

Published on
James Pirrie
James Pirrie
Director at
Family Law in Partnership

Let’s not sugar coat it, this question “what do I do now?” (at the moment you know you will separate) is the single most important question you will answer in this whole chapter of your life. There will be a lot of other questions that you will be coming to, but get this one right and you should be able to avoid the unreasonable positioning and exhausting demands of a slow process that will cost eye-watering amounts, to achieve to your best possible outcome.  

Here are my ten top tips from helping clients through this part of their lives for the past forty-something years.

1. Ensure you are safe 

Ensure your safety and the safety of your children.  If there is a risk to this then it will dictate how you address the rest of these tips.

Safety at the end of a relationship is a whole topic on its own and planning for it will depend on your situation.  In controlling relationships, it is likely that a whole range of strategies will have been put in place around you by your prospective ex, with the intention of making it impossible for you to go.  The single most important thing is to reach the realisation that yes you are going to leave – it is then about getting the support to manage your way out of the maze. If you need help to leave safely, there are amazing organisations that can help you manage a safe exit.  Everything follows from this.

2. Manage your emergencies

In the same way, some separations have emergencies – personal safety is the most important.  Others can include:

  • jurisdictional races (where one of you could start proceedings in a different country, you may need to act quickly to ensure your divorce takes place where your needs and those of the children will be met favourably)
  • a child being taken abroad to separate them from you (child abduction)
  • information or assets being hidden or disposed of 
  • your being isolated from funds.

Some of these you can address in part – or at least make easier – but many of them are going to require immediate professional help, probably from a solicitor.

The rest of the “to-dos” are subject to emergencies – sometimes you won’t have time to plan your best path, you will feel bounced around by circumstance. Just carry on trying your best, accepting where you are and planning from there. 

3. Consider couple counselling

If there are no safety concerns, this is a consideration that you should not skate past. I have worked for too many people who have said their ex has come back to them some years down the road saying “I got it wrong – I don’t know what I was thinking- is there a way back for us?”. For me that points to a missed opportunity for some serious conversation around what was not working in the relationship and each person’s capacity for change. Of course, the result may still be that you decide to separate, but talking things through a counsellor is also likely to reassure and make for better progress if you do decide to part. 

4. Be kind if you can

So often, perhaps when people come to me midway through, they seem to be in a terrible situation, which they are finding hard to understand. There might be brutality around disclosure or how the finances are being managed for the interim or how arrangements are being set around the children. It is all a bit destructive and aimless, which is a surprise as they’re decent people. So, what went wrong?  Well usually it is about how things started.  

Actions like deception and adultery matter (see my blog here on this very point) – perhaps not to the professionals who know the courts don’t care, but they really matter to the person being deceived and to their kids when they find out.  Brutal and sharp separations are like throwing a huge slab of concrete into a small pond – the splash and ripples are going to play havoc for a while and in unexpected ways.  Stepping out slowly and gently with empathy respect and understanding, can help everyone get through to the smart choices more quickly.

5. Start early

It follows that planning and starting early is usually a positive too, you can pace things more calmly. You don’t find yourself suddenly desperate that it all has to be sorted by the weekend. (That “I have just had it up to here” moment). It also means that you are less likely to be bounced into the “well I am leaving you” discussion at the worst of times in the heat of an argument.  These things are going to be tough and thinking about how to do it in the best way, in the calm, will pay dividends.

6. Get support

All of that is going to point towards you getting individual support.  So many  people say “I don’t need that fluffy stuff …” or “we are not getting back together”. But that is not what this is about. It is about understanding where your ex is and what they are going through. It is about helping you to think of this from their side to be able to move things on in the best way possible. It is tough.  It is practical. It is also short term and goal-oriented.

Find the right support and you will be challenged to do this well, but also supported to do so.  That’s why I recommend that you get professional support – not just support from your mates or family:

This is the other response to my recommendation of professional expertise is “well I am talking to my friends.” The problem with relying solely on friends and family is that:

  • They care too much and as such, are likely to operate like an echo chamber for you: they want to be supportive and are likely to tell you what they think you want to hear – which is not always what you need to hear
  • They may bring their own unresolved personal issues to the conversation and that is not helpful 
  • They don’t have the training to help you process everything in a constructive way 
  • Their advice is likely to be on the hoof, quick answers without the depth of consideration that is really needed
  • You may find yourself managing your choices to keep them satisfied.

Without meaning to cast aspersions on your inner circle, you are also sharing confidences with them which may well be shared with others. 

I could go on but in essence, therapists are likely to be the most valuable in monetary terms. Find the right one and use them.

7. Think and write

So you know you are going to need to get some advice and guidance (how else are you going to have the anchor of knowing your rights and obligations – how else would you recognise a good deal?). Lawyers charge by time and will read a well-organised briefing way quicker than they can ask questions and you answer them. Many firms will have an information gatherer on their website. If you want to get the most from your time with a lawyer and keep costs time, you would prepare:

  • A balance sheet of where you are now:
    •  who is in the family and who are the relatives and important other people in your lives
    • all the dates and details that are going to be needed such as when the relationship started, was formalised and ended
    • and yes those financial numbers all pinned down so far as known. 
    • In addition there will be descriptions of what is going on – what everyone is like; how are your children doing, pictures etc.  
  • An account of how you got here this is likely to take in your families of origin, education, careers, first homes, challenges and so on
  • And then the quick fire document for a first call: The super brief summary and a clear vision of what you want and what you think are the hurdles to getting there.

Indeed sometimes I think that this last piece of knowing what you are needing is the single most important piece of work that will be in your briefing for the next step.

8. Find the right professional

This can feel like a minefield. There are directories ranking legal professionals, but they may not be your best starting point.  What you are likely to want is that skilled professional whom you trust because they get you and their values resonate with yours, simple as that.  

When you are researching there will be lots of focus on who does what process and your head can spin with the terms likely to be coming at you:  negotiation/ collaborative/ co-operative/ one lawyer/ together/ amicable/ litigation/ mediation/ child inclusion/ hybrid/ integrative, but that shouldn’t be your worry: Your job is to be clear about your needs (those hurdles you identified at stage 7), not the process (which is what the professional brings to accommodate them). It is the professional’s job to show that they have heard you and to explain their recommendation.  If you are convinced, you have the start of your plan. If you are not then say so – if you are not heard, you may not be in the right room so think about moving on now.  

It is why you might do well to choose a professional who is serious about all the different ways of doing things – it will ensure you are presented with all the options. Many lawyers will only have one qualification, permitting them to negotiate your case  with the court as a fall back and the court is the last place most people want to end up.  If your lawyer doesn’t know, isn’t familiar with and doesn’t use collaborative, mediation or arbitration  then just have in mind that these ways that might suit you better will probably not be on the menu for discussion.

9. Be brave …ish

Sitting down to talk with your ex may be absolutely the last thing you want to do, and of course you shouldn’t compromise safety, but for most people, a professionally assisted conversation with a neutral person (likely to be in mediation – but potentially “one lawyer”) is likely to be the fast route to finding the best solution. Your ex is likely to have a view of what they think the outcome should be and they are going to hang onto it until you can show that you have heard them. It is much harder to do this if your discussion is via letters and emails being fired between lawyers from their respective trenches a seeming “safe” distance away from each other.

The right mediator will help you both to manage a safe and productive conversation even in difficult situations. There would be an assessment and  intake process (called “a MIAM”, standing for Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting) when you can gather an understanding of what mediation would be like and talk through whether it is for you. In fact, you are required in most situations to have this meeting even if you wanted ultimately to go to court and I would encourage you to enter this meeting with an open mind as there is a lot of flexibility in mediation and other processes which may mean they are better for you.

10. Think kids

So obvious you may say it didn’t need saying. Where you have children, they are likely to be the lens through which all of this is viewed, you will consider your children:

  • when you take steps to start
  • in how you manage the relationship with your ex (because you are usually going to be co-parenting long term so you will not want to lay waste to how you talk to each other)
  • in the choices you make (for example the geography of your homes and family-friendly career-choices)
  • in the timing of any new relationship
  • in how you work out care and decision making: your children are part of each of you, they need safe arrangements to have a relationship with each of you if possible – and ideally each of you supporting the other to be the best parent you can be.

There is a lot to consider and it is all too easy to delay. But whether this relationship is your future or not is for you to decide and in your heart you will know the answer to that (especially if you have been through tip 3).  

If this relationship is not working and can’t be made to work, it is unlikely to be the best example of “adult relationships” for your kids, but beyond this, please don’t become that person I see so regularly who says “now I know about it all, I should have done this a decade ago, it would have been better for everyone.”

Read more articles by James Pirrie.

Read more articles by Family Law in Partnership.

About James Pirrie

James Pirrie is a Director of Family Law in Partnership, a highly regarded law firm based in London, which specialises in de-escalating conflict in family law.  He is an Arbitrator, Family Solicitor and Mediator accredited in child-inclusive mediation.

James is driven to improve long term outcomes for families who are experiencing separation or divorce.  He is credited with introducing collaborative law to the UK and with changing how children’s needs are addressed during family breakdown through the Parenting after Parting initiative.

You might be interested in

Beyond the "Glow Up": Reclaiming Your Autonomy and Identity After Divorce
Image by Envato

Beyond the “Glow Up”: Reclaiming Your Autonomy and Identity After Divorce

Published on
Margaret Ward-Martin
Margaret Ward-Martin
Founder
The Grace Project

Every woman is different and every relationship breakdown is different.  Not all women “glow up” and I’d caution against replacing one systemic pressure with another.  That said, the concept of thriving after divorce offers encouragement, hope, practical suggestions and support.  Divorce itself can be traumatic so let’s avoid overgeneralising recovery times and experiences.  Once a state of psychological stasis is reached a divorced woman understands that she has autonomy and the opportunity to create a life of her choosing.  This may feel empowering and daunting in equal measure and that’s okay.

Reclaiming autonomy after a marriage ends and the impact on a woman’s confidence, nervous system and sense of identity

Post divorce, women coming out of an oppressive marriage can breathe again.  If she has been living in fear for a number of years, her nervous system may be shredded.  Some psychologists suggest that after years of abuse the victim may subsequently suffer post traumatic stress so that is why she must learn to breathe again.  To begin with, it’s important for her to understand her right to do so. Learning to breathe again, deeply and recuperatively has astonishing benefits.  By calming our nervous systems, we not only gain control over our bodies, but it clears our minds.  Confidence comes with doing.  If a woman has been told she cannot do something for years she now can.  If she wants to dance, then dance.  With no-one to stop her she reclaims her own self and the confidence comes.

The effect of chronic relational stress on a woman’s body and appearance and the  physiological changes that people interpret as a “glow”

When we are chronically stressed our bodies can manifest it in many ways.  It may be certain behaviours are controlled that result in how a woman looks.  For example, a woman whose food intake was monitored or access to dental care denied (real examples), once out of the relationship she can eat more healthily and get dental attention.  If the nature of the relationship has led to self-harm or neglect, away from the stress, a woman can start to look after herself.   In the marriage where money was controlled, access to hair and skin care may not have been possible  If a person is depressed in a relationship, it is likely to show up in their body in some way; skin, hair and weight may be indicators of the relationship stressors.  Away from it, a woman can attend to these needs, freely.

Understanding grief after a break up

Grief often gets a bad rap.   After divorce there are likely to be feelings of tremendous loss; of hopes and dreams; of years; of opportunities; of damaged relationships and reputations.  Lean in, I suggest.  You are bound to be sad when you are dealing with an unhappy ending.  As for self-actualisation?  This may come but, please, no more pressure.  Be the best version of yourself one day at a time.  And if managing to get out of bed and your teeth brushed, is it, then excellent stuff.  If it is a new piercing and a job interview, excellent stuff, too.

Yes, heartbreak and loss can lead to a new life, but it needs to be processed in its own, unique to the individual, time.

Reclaiming ourselves after a divorce 

Coming out of a controlling relationship is like seeing the ocean for the first time. Eat what I want? Wear what I want? See my friends? If employment or educational opportunities were prohibited, then now is the time to restore these parts and discover potential. The ambition often comes from women’s appreciation that these freedoms are not to be taken for granted and her anger ensures that not one more minute is wasted.

Healing timelines 

Give yourself a break. You are going through a challenging, exhausting, possibly traumatic, expensive, chronically stressful situation so if you managed to get tights and knickers on today and the children to school on time, give yourself a massive pat on the back. Forget “glow.”  At this stage, another stressor. For those of us who’ve been in this situation we don’t need one oppressor to replace another.

As for timelines? Forget them. Take the pressure off. It is likely that there is a period of post-divorce lows and then, one day, without warning, you may hear a night owl or a distant train; you may choose to put your favourite music on and dance like nobody’s looking, it might be that one day you realise how incredible you are to have made it this far.  Initially there may be relief, take it. Then sadness, lean in. Then more sadness, continue, then anger, strap in, then a night owl…

Rebuilding your life privately and publicly 

It’s an inside job. When you feel ready to stand up for yourself and not take any nonsense from anyone, you’re on your way. No amount of Botox and swiping right will hasten the sense of self, compassion, self-respect and understanding that you have the right to a good life, without judgement and direction. When you are able to say “no” and stop justifying your decisions and walk away from toxic people and situations, and claim your time as your own, you are on your way. After years, possibly a lifetime of putting others first, this may take some practice.

As for your public life? Part of your healing is that you won’t really care what the public makes of you. You know your truth and walk in it. That’s where true power lies.

Understanding the psychological steps that help women reach a healthy way forward for the next chapter

Post divorce, take time to reflect on your part. That’s the only control you truly have. When doing this, be kind to yourself, and identify redundant responses, for example, people pleasing or giving too much weight to the opinion of others.

This is your time and it is precious. Work out what you want for you. This is congruence. When you are living a life that aligns with your own ambition, values, vision, and talent, you are closer to being you – not a neutralised version that suits the world around you.  Be effective in your own healing and recovery.  No-one else can do this for you.

Read more articles by Margaret Ward-Martin.

About Margaret Ward-Martin

BACP Counsellor and Psychotherapist Margaret Ward-Martin holds over 30 years’ experience in the mental health industry as a teacher, coach and therapist with a special interest in narcissistic abuse and coercive control survival, addiction and early childhood trauma. She founded The Grace Project (www.thegraceproject.co.uk) in 2021 to raise awareness about emotional and psychological abuse in the world in which we live. Margaret continues to advocate for better access to mental health services and for greater understanding and destigmatisation of diagnosis.

 

You might be interested in

How to Spot if Your Partner is a Narcissist
Image by freepik
//

How to Spot if Your Partner is a Narcissist

Published on
Claire Chisnall
Claire Chisnall Senior Associate Consilia Legal

Abuse in a marriage or civil partnership can take many different forms, such as physical, sexual, financial and emotional. There are many types of emotional abuse, which are also often referred to as psychological abuse, and this is where the form of abuse is much more complex and can be due to one party having challenging personality traits such as narcissism.

Narcissism is often dismissed as a person being selfish, self-centred or self-absorbed, but this form of abuse is much deeper than that, and how a person uses this to manipulate situations and emotions can develop over many years and can be particularly damaging for the person on the receiving end. It is important to point out that not everyone that behaves badly in a relationship is a narcissist, narcissism is much more than poor behaviour this is a pattern of troubling personality traits which we refer to further below. 

What is narcissism?

Fundamentally, narcissism is a mental health condition called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It is a form of emotional manipulation which can stem from deep-rooted insecurities and a lack of self-esteem but manifests itself in many different ways, and sometimes this is not deliberate or intentional on the part of the perpetrator. Hence, a narcissist may be unaware that they are causing emotional strain on their partner, but on the other hand, some narcissists are aware and use their personality disorder to cause emotional harm. The recipient of narcissistic behaviour can feel trapped and helpless because the primary motivation of a narcissist is to have control and to manipulate, whether this is intentional or not.  

Common signs of narcissistic behaviour

Although all narcissists will behave slightly differently, and of course every relationship is different, there are common traits that you may be able to identify as narcissistic behaviour:

  • A sense of self-importance and entitlement
  • Can’t show any empathy or compassion to you as a victim or any friends or family of yours
  • Generally charming to you initially but will often keep up a charming persona to others 
  • Showing excessive affection and wanting constant communications at the start of a relationship, often called love bombing
  • Being jealous and envious of other relationships you might have
  • Displaying arrogance as a form of low self-esteem
  • Preoccupied by status and wealth 
  • Can demonstrate aggressive tendencies as they can’t regulate their emotions properly
  • Very sensitive to criticism of themselves and can’t tolerate imperfections in other people
  • Prone to publicly humiliating you and making a joke out of it 
  • Can be controlling and very manipulative. 

A narcissist will present with more than one of the above traits, and there are differing levels of narcissistic traits, with some being far more challenging and potentially dangerous. There is generally a pattern of behaviour that develops over time which presents itself as a cycle, where one minute your partner can be loving and the next be very dismissive of you, creating a feeling of rejection resulting in you seeking validation from them. This cycle can be very damaging to your self-worth and self-esteem, especially if this been going on over a long period of time. 

How to identify that your partner is a narcissist

Living with a narcissist can be exhausting and it will feel like you are always questioning yourself. It can also result in you developing low self-esteem and this could manifest itself in stress and anxiety where you feel torn between being loyal to your partner and escaping the situation. It is therefore important that you recognise the narcissistic traits in your partner and act on them. Here we have listed typical scenarios you might recognise:

  • Is your partner always seeking praise and admiration from you or other people?
  • Does your partner act like rules or laws don’t apply to them and that they deserve special treatment? Do they feel untouchable, as if they can do no wrong?
  • Do they like to portray a very charming character in public, but you know this is false?
  • Are they unable to take criticism on board?
  • Do they refuse to take responsibility for their actions?
  • Do they become excessive with flattery, gifts and seek commitment early in a relationship? Or after a fall-out?
  • Are they capable of giving you the silent treatment and stonewalling you for hours? 
  • Do they always make themselves centre of a conversation and show open disinterest in talking about you? 
  • Do they make you feel like nothing you do will ever be good enough?
  • Are they incapable of recognising the needs of you or other people? 
  • Do they act impulsively for attention, and show a reckless disregard for the consequences? 
  • Do they try to gaslight you and twist situations, so you feel like you are always in the wrong?  

Some of these traits are common in a partner and can be dismissed as playful or the normal ups and downs of a relationship. But it is very easy for these behaviours to become excessive and for a pattern to form which becomes abusive behaviour. The objective of the narcissist is to have control and to manipulate situations and emotions for their own benefit, and whether this is intentional or not, it is a form of emotional abuse. 

How to deal with a narcissist

Because a narcissist is hypersensitive, you often find yourself treading on eggshells around them and this makes it difficult to discuss the behaviour with them, and in some cases could result in the abuse taking on another form. If you have concerns about the behaviour of your partner and wish to escape the situation, it is important to speak to family and friends and seek their support. There are numerous resources available for those being subjected to an abusive relationship, such as the Domestic Abuse National helpline. You should take professional advice from an experienced family law solicitor, who will explain what your rights are and how you should approach a divorce and separation, or dissolving a civil partnership, if that is the course of action you have chosen.

About Claire Chisnell

Claire Chisnall, Senior Associate in the Family Team at Consilia Legal. Claire is a highly experienced family lawyer with a broad background across all areas of family law and is recognised for securing excellent outcomes for her clients through her calm, pragmatic approach.

You might be interested in

How toxic masculinity and femininity can affect a relationship/marriage.
Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash.
/

How Toxic Masculinity and Femininity Can Affect a Relationship / Marriage

Published on
Noel McDermott
Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

Toxic masculinity is discussed in mainstream media quite a lot having migrated from a narrow academic interest in gender studies course and come to cover a range of problematic behaviours around rigid gender roles.

In 2018, the American Psychological Association issued the first ever guidance on working with men and boys and issued alongside its guidance on working with harmful masculinity and violence. This is key to understanding the current situation and the focus on toxic masculinity.

In general broad-brush sense (excluding nuance of gender identity), men are socialised into acting out their psychological distress in aggressive and violent ways and women acting in distress in self harming ways. This is still pervasive.

Alongside this is the psychologically and therefore relationally destructive socialisation of unhealthy masculinity beliefs around denial of psychological distress, refusal of emotional intelligence and help seeking viewed as a weakness. Society is still largely structured on the notion that men provide rather than nurture.

In the UK, which has many dual income households, structural inequality still means men’s salaries provide the majority of a household’s income. These structural issues reinforce gender stereotypes.

Toxic femininity doesn’t really exist as a term but in this formulation could be understood as the ‘self-harm’ side of unhelpful female modelling and expectations. So, whilst men face most of society’s violence as victims and perpetrators (including being victims of suicide) women face eating disorders, high levels of anxiety and depression, direct self-harming behaviours, carer and financial struggles and of course male violence to women, especially rape.

It’s easy to see how extreme issues would negatively affect any relationship but it’s important to understand that all these issues exist on a spectrum of severity and in most cases don’t manifest at the early stages of a love relationship in extreme forms. They tend to emerge over time becoming more chronic with the stressors of life.

Intimate partner violence, for example, rarely starts when you are dating.

More often it is controlling behaviours and inflexibility that become more intrusive over time. In fact, it may not develop into violence at all but becomes normalised in the interaction creating high stress levels and fear, the so-called walking on eggshells to avoid triggering your partner. It may manifest in lack of attention, controlling through withholding and withdrawal to punish etc. Over time these destroy intimacy and safety, leading to significant psychological and other health issues.

One of the core needs we have as social animals is safe, predictable, loving relationships to form resilience in the face of life’s challenges. There is a very harmful view of resilience as coming from being exposed to threat and challenge, and in fact the opposite is true. We can demonstrate we are resilient by getting through challenge well, but the resilience predated the challenge and formed because of kind, loving, consistent relationships. Resilience is a consequence of strong attachments to other stable people where we can share our vulnerabilities.

Our social (animal) nature is what gives us the edge in terms of survival, allowing us to live in very complex social structures that mean we can combine skills and abilities for the greater good, what in general is termed prosocial behaviours and activities. As a matter of fact, the more prosocial we are the healthier we will be on all levels; psychologically, physically, financially, and relationally. Unhealthy masculinity in many ways promotes anti-social behaviours and attitudes.

Lacking resilience because of our lack of ability to form or maintain loving relationships will lead to developing unhealthy and unhelpful coping mechanisms, generally increasing our antisocial attitudes and behaviours. For many men this will look like withdrawal, rejection, substance misuse especially alcohol, hyper-sexual behaviours and cheating, or aggression and violence.

Unhealthy masculinity does not allow men to say, “I feel lonely, lost, broken” even though these are perfectly normal things to feel in life at times. The anti-social nature of the coping behaviours leads to a vicious cycle of greater isolation and rejection reducing resilience further.

Again, these things develop over time and one day a straw breaks the camel’s back with the relationship seeming to suddenly implode. The male in this situation is unlikely to learn a lesson from this and will often go on to find another partner to repeat the same mistakes or being unavailable and anti-social.

Children witnessing and experiencing this can find it very challenging and especially male sons.

Since the 1970’s mothers and daughters have been coming to terms with seismic changes in society and in what it is to be women with many daughters of the 70’s / 80’s etc feeling they had to reject their mums to be liberated. The current generation of women maybe not having to go through this pain.

Younger male adults and young men are having to face a world which is very different to the one their fathers grew up in requiring a new set of tools. Many fathers are ill-equipped to deal with these changes, unable to offer insights into their sons’ challenges in life and relationships. Many of course have adapted but sadly attacks on these adaptations are rife, with men being called ‘snowflakes’, or being attacked in the media for carrying their babies in carriers on their bodies for example. But many young men feel they have to reject their dads so they can have relationships that last or to thrive in a work world that is increasingly demanding of prosocial group work. There are very public relationships in which sons have clearly made these decisions leading to camps forming in support or in attack.

The social changes we seem to be witnessing in terms of the reformulation of many masculinities is unlikely to be smooth, but it is certainly needed.

About Noel McDermott

Noel McDermott has over 25 years’ experience creating unique mental health services in the independent sector and is considered an expert on mental health in the workplace, he is also the Founder of Mental Health Works Ltd.

Passionate about bringing high quality care and support to the vulnerable, he is an advocate of community care and the power of an at-home mental health care model that includes the affected individual, their family, and their workplace.

Well-known to the UK media, and regularly featured on channels including BBC Local Radio, 5News, LBC and SKY News, Noel also produces and presents The Well-Being Show, a weekly live podcast where he is joined by guests sharing stories on mental health issues.

Noel’s areas of expertise include mental health, addiction and recovery, trauma, social care, distance therapy, childcare, refugees, personal development and emotional health and wellbeing.

You might be interested in

How can I get my abusive partner to leave our home?
Image by @georgerudy on stock.adobe.com

How can I get my abusive partner to leave our home?

Published on
Anthony Parrish, Partner - Jones Myers
Anthony Parrish
Partner
Jones Myers

Sadly, we work with many clients who, along with their children, are victims of domestic abuse.

Some flee the spousal home with little more than the clothes they stand up in while others stay and suffer in silence – because they fear losing any legal rights they may have.

It is vital that you know there are injunctions you can take out which entail the Court making an order protecting you and your children from abuse or harassment by your partner/spouse and prevent them from living in your home.

Non-Molestation Order

An FL401 form enables you to apply for a Non-Molestation Order, which forbids your spouse/partner from:

  • Coming to, or near, your home
  • Using or threatening violence against you and your children
  • Intimidating, harassing, or pestering you and your children
  • Going to places such as schools that you and your children visit regularly.
  • Send/engage in threatening communication through letter, telephone, text message, or other means of communication (including social media).
  • Not to instruct or encourage a third party to do any of the above on their behalf.

Occupation Order

The same form can also be used to apply for an Occupation Order, where the court decides who should live in, or return to, the home or any part of it.

Depending upon your circumstances, you can apply for a non-molestation order, an occupation order – or both.

The application does not require court fees. If a family lawyer assists you with the application, you pay for their fees. Legal Aid is available for applications of this nature provided the required thresholds for qualification are met.

Key Factors the Court Will Consider 

  • The housing needs/resources of you and your spouse/partner and children
  • Your respective finances
  • Your behaviour to each other
  • The likely impact of a Court order/decision not to exercise its powers, on the health/safety/wellbeing of you, your spouse/partner and your children.

Considerations for Married Couples

If you were married and have no existing right to occupy the property, the Court will also examine:

  • The length of time since you last lived together.
  • How long ago your marriage was dissolved.
  • If any current legal proceedings exist between you for a financial order following your divorce, or for an order under Schedule 1 Children Act 1989 for financial relief or relating to the legal or beneficial ownership of the property.

Considerations for Cohabitees

If you are living with your partner and have no existing right to occupy the property, the Court will examine:

  • If you have any children together or if you have, or have had, parental responsibility for any children (stepchildren, godchildren etc)
  • If an Order is made in your favour, it could be for a specified period – often six months – or until another Court Order is made. In some situations, the Order can be renewed for another six months.

The protection the court offers is available to married, divorced, cohabiting and former cohabiting couples along with those in civil partnerships.

Domestic abuse occurs in all levels of society – regardless of race, gender, wealth, or age.

In confidential consultations highly skilled and sensitive family law specialists like us who have extensive expertise in helping victims of victims of domestic violence, discuss all your options and advise on the way forward. This includes court applications for an injunction as outlined above.

We can also suggest other organisations who can help you outside the legal process.

For more information on the FL401 form, visit the Government website.

Click here for more articles by Anthony Parrish

About Anthony Parrish

Anthony’s extensive experience in family law spans over two decades, during which time he has developed specialisms in matters relating to children law.

A member of Jones Myers internationally renowned Children’s Department, he deals with issues relating to children, teenagers, parents (including those represented through their official solicitor) and local authorities.

His expertise also encompasses international child abduction cases and same sex relationship issues.

You might be interested in

stumbling block to getting through divorce
Photo by Marina Vitale on Unsplash

Fear – a stumbling block to getting through divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Fear can be paralysing. In divorce.

One can be hesitant to take a step in any direction. Afraid whatever move made will be wrong.  One is stuck in status quo and wants to stay in the same place.

Movement is perceived as leaving the safety zone. Staying rooted in one spot only delays the inevitable, the divorce will be finalised at some point.  Not wanting to think about divorce during this process does not stop it. It makes it worse by dragging it out longer.

Hanging on to something out of fear, backfires

I hung on to the marital house during divorce. It prolonged the proceedings. It delayed the sale, since it needed some refurbishing before going on the market. We signed the divorce papers before the house sold. Our assets could not be split until the sale since the final number could not be determined at that point.

Fear of not being able to get a loan for another one kept me clinging to the marital home.  The issue does not go away by ignoring or refusing to face it. Instead, it gets worse like cancer would if not dealt with at the onset.

Knowledge is the antidote to fear

Perhaps it is fear of the unknown – the outcome of your divorce – which is keeping you rooted in one spot. Not knowing what lies ahead.  Ask your lawyer what is realistic.

Many have imagined a worst-case scenario which had no connection to what could really happen.   You may be pleasantly surprised what is a realistic expectation for dividing assets.

If scared about what financial future will be post-divorce, consider paying for a consultation with a financial advisor. Things most likely will not be as bleak as they seem.  They will get an idea of your situation and can reassure that you will not be destitute. This is what helped me to relax during my divorce. Also, this person can make helpful suggestions how to invest and make a budget.

Fear can keep you clinging to people who drain you

Better to be alone than being in the company of these energy vampires who suck the life right out of you. I dropped a few doom and gloom acquaintances who tried to predict a catastrophe during proceedings.

Instead of being around those who escalate your fears, choose spending time with optimistic individuals who encourage you to see the positives.  This is the time to strengthen other relationships and make new friends who are supportive.

Dealing with Fear

Make a list of the top fears you are facing in divorce in one column. Next to them, write what can be taken to deal with them.  For example, for finances one could get a job or increase hours of a current one.

One divorcing friend asked to clean our houses for a little extra cash.  Sell personal property. I sold presents from my mother, who put in writing that these had been mine alone. This included Waterford light fixtures. (Be careful not to sell joint property during proceedings).

Writing fears down is a way to overcome them. Get them from swirling around in your brain to being out in the open.

A parent shines a light in the darkness when a child fears a monster is hiding under the bed. They see nothing is there. Or perhaps it is something that can easily be dealt with like a kitten playing with a toy under the bed.

Express fears to friends

Brainstorm together. Friends will give opinions how to get past your stumbling block, the fear holding you back. They may have faced it too in their divorce and have practical advice.

Support is crucial in this turbulent time. Talking out your concerns and fear shares the load. You have a team on your side who will cheer you on.  After my friends had a good laugh over my financial fear, they quickly let me know it was out of line with reality.  I was relieved.

Whatever your fear is, talking to a knowledgeable expert in that field will give you accurate facts. You will be in control, instead of the fear controlling you.

Click here for more articles by Wendi Schuller

About Wendi Schuller

Wendi Schuller has travelled to around seventy countries. She is a moving on coach who especially helps people getting back into dating after a break up or divorce

She is a hypnotherapist, nurse and Neuro -Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner. She is a speaker whose goal is to inspire people to move on in their lives. She helps people transform their dating goals into reality.  She wrote The Global Guide To Divorce and the children’s book series Jack Jack The Cat.

You might be interested in

Retroactive Jealousy During Divorce And Beyond

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Retroactive jealousy can lead to divorce.

This  can be a red flag that something  in the relationship is wrong.  It also can indicate that a partner has control issues or has their own problem of handling jealousy.

Retroactive jalousie  also happens post-divorce when a former spouse cannot let go and is jealous of the other people that came before him or her.

When dating post-divorce, watch out for a love interest who asks too many questions or wants a detailed history of your past.

Retroactive jealousy is when a spouse discovers something unknown from their partner’s past.

It could be finding an old photo or love letter.

A couple may have gone over the highlights of their dating pre-marriage. They gave the headlines version of a distant love life.

The individuals glossed over their past instead of listing each and every person they dated, which would have been unrealistic.

When the other spouse goes ballistic upon uncovering a reminder of their partner’s previous dating period, this is retroactive jealousy.

This type of jealousy goes off the deep end, where a person becomes obsessed with it. The thought of their current or former spouse being with someone else, is swirling around in their brains. They cannot let go of the movie in their head starring their partner and a former flame.

The question is – does a partner have the right to know intimate details of their spouse’s former lovers?   Or names and the number of past flings?  Possibly from a health point position.

If a person has had several long-term intimate relationships, instead of many one-night stands, there is less of a risk for pasting on sexually transmitted diseases.  Being aware of a partner’s history having a string drunken one-night stands would necessitate using a condom.

In one case, a woman’s fiancé repeatedly asked whom she lost her virginity with and how many other lovers she had after that (zero). Although this man was not a virgin himself, he was upset that she had a prior sexual relationship before they met.

He demanded to know who that person was and kept insinuating that there were more guys she was not mentioning. She eventually kicked him to the kerb and got on with her life.

On an emotional level, accidentally finding out about a deep, dark secret can hurt – even end a relationship.

Not being told of a previous marriage or about a baby given up for adoption who is now an adult knocking on the front door, is a shock.

This can get the other person wondering about what else might be hidden.  A spouse may lose their trust when a situation like this occurs.  Feeling lied to or there was a cover up is a bit more than a spouse having reactive jealousy over a forgotten photograph being found.

If you are the one struggling with retroactive jealousy, examine what specifically bothers you.

  • Is it the fear of abandonment? You possibly are afraid of being dumped for a former lover.
  • Feelings of being inadequate – that you are not enough? This could be an insecurity issue.
  • Are you too controlling – resenting your spouse’s ties to other people and friendships?
  • Are you fantasising -seeing images of your spouse and their former lover over and over?

Steps to take

Consider talking about your jealousy with your partner. Most likely they have no idea, will have a laugh and then be reassuring that you are still number one. They might be trying to revive your relationship in an unhealthy way, by talking about past romances. This has to stop.

Does your relationship seem shaky and not stable? Talk to your partner. Perhaps they are feeling the same way and are motivated to get it back on track.

Perhaps your love life got a bit routine and boring and that is why you are focused on your partner’s past one.  Spice it up, such as with a naughty weekend in Paris. Get out of your familiar environment.

Is there something lacking in your life now which propels you to dwell on your partner’s past?

This could be due to not feeling fulfilled or knowing your purpose in life. Enrich your life with stimulating new ventures, activities or sports. Perhaps connect with a Higher Power.  When one has too much time on their hands that encourages the mind to wander and dwell on the past. Meet new people and reconnect with ones you already know.

Post-divorce, retroactive jealousy can be an issue, especially when you were you the one left behind.

  • Avoid triggers. Go to new places and avoid the ones you frequented as a couple. No need to see your ex snuggling with someone new.
  • Shake up your routine. If you went out for morning cappuccinos as a couple, then go out in the afternoon. Not helpful to daydream about whom she is sharing coffee with now. If he enjoyed Friday after work drinks, then go to the pub at another time period.  It is avoiding doing things that you did when married and lessening the chance of an accidental encounter.
  • Avoid stalking them in person or online. Living with retroactive jealousy is a waste of one’s energy and time when the marriage is over.

To help get regarding retroactive jealsouy, talk to your friends who are great listeners and allow you to vent. Also, they may give a reality check.

There are divorce charities which help individuals to move on post-divorce.  A relationship counsellor can help people deal with reactive jealousy and see a situation more clearly.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

 

You might be interested in

forget your ex
//

10 Essential Steps on How to Forget your Ex and Find You

Published on
Sara Davison
Sara Davison
Divorce and Break-up Coach

For those of you who have been dealing with a difficult breakup this year it will have taken its toll.

Emotional stress from the rollercoaster of negative emotions combined with the new practical challenges that come with being newly single can be overwhelming.

A breakup will cause a ripple effect across the whole of your life and effect all areas including your friends, family, home life, career and future plans.

The new year is traditionally a time for making resolutions about your future, making a commitment to enforce changes and to wipe the slate clean. It gives you the chance for a fresh start and a new you.

With a breakup it can seem like you are at the mercy of your ex’s actions and emotions. If there is ongoing conflict it may seem like you will never be free from them and if you have children together you may feel like you can’t avoid getting caught up in their lives still.

If you have been hurt by the breakup or suffered from a betrayal or controlling behaviour it may seem like you will permanently have to carry those scars with you.

If you are still struggling to move forward with your life and feel stuck in a rut then it’s time to decide if this is how you want to live your life. If you are spending time and energy thinking or worrying about your ex then they still have control over you whether you are with them or not. It’s time to grab back your power and stop giving it away and get back in the driving seat of your life.

The truth is that YOU control the remote control to your brain.

This means that you can choose how you decide to react to the things your ex does and says. It may take some practice but it is possible and I know this as I have done it myself and have helped many of my clients take back their control too.

In order to start the year off in the right way you have to commit to taking action, to doing things different and to embracing the challenge to create a fresh start.

Here are my 10 top tips on how to forget your ex and start thriving after your breakup:

  1. Spend time with good people: We are all influenced by the quality of the people we surround ourselves with as other attitudes and behaviours will rub off on us after a while. Make sure you create a positive and supportive team of friends, family and advisors around you.
  1. Healthy body means a healthy mind: Keep a balanced diet and make sure you feed your body enough healthy fuel so that it can give you the energy you need. If you feel in good form your mind will be stronger to deal with challenges as they come up.
  1. Be kind to yourself: Don’t beat yourself up for feeling low or crying. It is a natural part of the grieving process after your breakup. Remember that it is not a permanent state of mind and it part of the healing process as you let go.
  1. It’s time to let go of your ex: Write a list of all the things that didn’t like about your ex and your relationship. Keep these to hand so you can read them if you start to feel sad. We tend to focus on all the good things we no longer have in our life which stops us from moving forward. It helps to take off those rose-tinted glasses and take a long hard look at what the things that mad you sad that you no longer have to tolerate.
  1. Get active: Plan your weeks ahead to keep you busy. Start saying “yes” to invitations and get out of the house more. Staying home alone all the time will amplify feelings of loneliness so make arrangements and stick to them.
  1. Do things you love: It’s time to put yourself first now and look after yourself. Schedule in your diary to do things that make you enjoy and also that make you laugh. We all need some fun in our lives to add some sparkle so make a list of things such as coffee with friends, trampolining, a day trip, a massage, buying a some new clothes.
  1. Make small changes: It’s time to take back control of your life so to do that its key to make some changes. These can be small changes such as moving the furniture around in your home to make it feel different, cooking new meals, using a different supermarket or wearing a new colour that you love. If you continue to do the things you used to do with your ex it will be harder to move on.
  1. Time to revamp your life: Start thinking about where you want to be in 1 years time. This will help you to keep moving forward with life and avoid getting stuck thinking about the past. Look to make some larger changes such as revamping your career or health by setting some goals. Let your close friends know about what you have decided to do so they can help you stick to your new goals.
  1. Create your bucket list: Write a list of things that you are really excited to do in your life. Activities that you can do now that maybe you never could have done if you were still in your relationship. These could include learning a new skill, taking up a new hobby, travelling somewhere you always dreamed to visit or even climbing Everest!
  1. Change your focus: Practice finding the good in every situation and focusing on that. What if you believed that this breakup was actually a great opportunity and you now have the chance to redesign your life just the way you want it? That would make a huge difference to your life and it is possible.

Decide that you want to make some changes to get your life back on track and commit to taking some actions to make it your new reality.

It is possible. I have done it and my clients are doing it right now. Remember that it’s not what happens to you in life that counts, it’s what you do about it that defines you as a person.

So grab back control of your life and get ready for a new you!

ABOUT SARA

Sara Davison is a highly credible life and business expert whose own personal experience has led to her creating a unique divorce coaching programme designed to support individuals with the tools, techniques and advice needed to journey through divorce.

An NLP Master Practitioner, with 16 years’ coaching experience, Sara has successfully built and developed a global business and has worked with some of the top names in personal development such as ; Anthony Robbins, Paul McKenna, Barefoot Doctor and more.

With a wealth of experience helping others through challenging situations, as well as the experience of her own marriage breakdown, Sara was inspired to create a bespoke divorce coaching program that would help guide those battling through the process of divorce. The program offers tailored, practical advice and strategies to help people move forward.

Sara’s aim is to change the stigma associated with divorce in the UK. She wants to encourage people to ask for help, and teach people the skills to get from where they are to where they want to be.

For more information see saradavison.com for more details.

You might be interested in

Borderline Personality Disorder

Coping with Divorcing a Person with Borderline Personality Disorder

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Mediation and collaborative divorces have been referred to as “more friendly” with a goal to keep the door open to having a relationship post-divorce.

Some people who divorced individuals with personality disorders, felt safer in the court room with a judge presiding.

This is particularly true with spouses who have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

People with BPD have a fear of abandonment which can become worse with divorce. They have poor and unstable interpersonal relationships. They tend to put someone up on a pedestal and revere them.

When that person does something not liked, they become bitterly despised. People are categorized as being wonderful or not worthy of their adoration.

Folks with BPD have overly intense emotions which fluctuate vastly. They are controlling and this includes controlling communication between people they know. BPD people are threatened by a partner’s success so criticize in order to tear them down in the belief it will keep them dependent and prevent abandonment (divorce).

Their impulsive behaviour – affairs, drug use, and alcoholism may be a factor in their partner wanting out of the relationship.

People with BPD have a sense of emptiness with a distorted self-image. When married, one may have tip-toed around them to avoid activating the BPD spouse’s intense anger. The departing spouse’s self-esteem may be low after spending time with this judgemental person.

Ways to get through divorce from a spouse with Borderline Personality Disorder include having clear boundaries. You can send a strong message that all communication goes to your solicitor and not to you.  Have consequences if boundaries are violated.

coping with divorcing Borderline Personality DisorderFollow through with consequences, such as blocking their calls and e-mails or changing your phone number. Instruct staff at work not to put those calls through to you or get a restraining order.

One has to get grounded when starting divorce. Get calm in order to stay focused, as the spouse with BPD will attempt to raise your anxiety.

Do not rise to the bait or react to their ploys. Let your barrister or solicitor be the filter that keeps manipulation away from you and deals with it impassively. They get in power struggles even over little issues, so do not get in a battle.

Several men I interviewed advised others to let the spouse with BPD feel that they are winning, by giving up more personal property and instead concentrate on the big ticket items. Turn over meticulous documents on finances, particularly showing what you owned before marriage, to keep emotion out of the dealings.

Spouses with Borderline Personality Disorder can bump up your legal costs by dragging out the divorce proceedings. They may refuse to hand over personal property that is deemed yours.

Some solicitors send a paralegal to oversee the actual packing up of their client’s personal property. This prevents any interactions of their client with the spouse with BPD. They may try to hang on to you by throwing a spanner in the works whenever possible such as by causing delays with submitting needed records. Leave emotion out and keep to your boundaries.

When there are children in the marriage, safeguards need to be put into place. Kids can be used as pawns to punish the spouse who is departing.

Careful documentation is helpful to show neglect, parental alienation or other parenting problems. There may be a formal custody evaluation performed with interviewing other adults in the kids’ lives to determine the percentage of shared care for each parent.

Post-divorce, keep records of communication from the parent with BPD. A person with BPD may be mandated to get therapy and can turn their lives around. People who put the effort into therapy can be good parents and marriage partners.

Divorce with spouses with Borderline Personality Disorder who are not in treatment, can a nightmare. Ask potential divorce professionals if they are experienced in dealing with this type of person and what type of divorce that they recommend.

The people I talked with had Clean Breaks with former partners with Borderline Personality Disorder and had no communication with them afterwards.

About Wendi

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

You might be interested in

1 2