step parenting

If there is one thing that’s required in life, it’s having a good old giggle with friends and family.

Laughing is fun, healthy, and it makes us happy.

In the world of stepparenting, we can get so hung up on this complex role that we are often guilty of taking ourselves too seriously.

We want to get it right first time.

We are out to impress our partners, our stepchildren, the ex and we want to show our friends and family that we are capable – that we’ve got this!

There are a lot of factors that can cause frustration to stepparents; things that likely wouldn’t bother us in first family scenarios.

Parenting in general isn’t easy but stepparenting comes with a different set of dynamics that at times, can leave you feeling like the black sheep in the family or tightly coiled like a spring.

It’s easy to feel bothered by things that your stepchildren have said or done that you may take to heart because the bonding process is still taking form.

You may have experienced conversations between your spouse and their ex that bordered on the unnecessary, turning the mood grey in that split second. At the time, you probably concentrated on the fact that the call was even made instead of making light of the content itself and laughing at how silly it all was.

Many stepparents admit to subconsciously getting so caught up in waiting for negativity to hit them that they likely missed opportunities to laugh … a lot more often.

Granted there will be days when laughing is just not an option.

It’s tough, but if you don’t laugh, you cry, right?

Do you recall an incident in your life when something bad happened, but once the storm had passed, whether it was weeks or even months later, you were able to reflect and laugh about it?

Whilst a lot of things do permit us to feel annoyed or sad, it is definitely worth trying to actively seek out humour amidst difficulties and laugh at the absurdities of it.

If the children are annoying you then try putting a humorous spin on it by making a joke with them and your spouse about it because laughter not only lowers tensions but it can also help to re-connect people.

It may be really hard to do in the moment yet it will help maintain a light-hearted mood in the home, even if it is driving you mad.

To help you, try these:

• Find a daily mantra – try to start the day on a positive note and remind yourself of a mantra you like that can help you remain joyful. Getting into the habit of doing this isn’t easy but if you can train your mindset you will feel a lot more relaxed in general and therefore more open to seeking out humour.

• Create inside jokes – Perhaps you have a little code name that makes you chuckle every time it’s mentioned? Being able to mock or laugh at the silliness of any drama can really help off load any burden you may be feeling.

• Seek out funny – Read a funny article/book or sit back and watch a movie that makes your sides ache.

• Shake it off – literally! Go off and get some exercise, as it will help release negative energy and put you in a more peaceful state of mind to lessen the chances of becoming worked up.

• Give yourself a break – Made a mistake? Laugh at yourself! Not giving yourself leeway will only have a knock effect with your general happiness and wellbeing.

• Turn every negative into a positive – I believe that we can learn something positive from every negative thing that happens, so try to counterbalance stressors with positivity.

• Surround yourself with laughter – Make a point of seeing more of those quick-witted family members or friends that always manage to get a smile out of you no matter how down you feel.

Life can be tough at times but it is still there to be enjoyed. Laughing relaxes you – it heals, easing those feelings of anger or sadness in that moment.

You’ve heard that saying, ‘laughter is the best medicine’, right? Run with it, it really is.

About Corinne

Corinne Foote is a certified Stepfamily Coach and also the Founder and Editor of Stepparent Magazine.

For more information on stepparent resources visit www.stepparentmagazine.com or follow us on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Instagram.

Creating boundaries is important for self care…indeed, often times, your survival.

Figuring out what you can control and what you can’t, and then basing our decisions and actions on that is a critical component of creating boundaries. 

Let’s be honest, we’d like to be able to control  a lot more of the stuff that happens and the people in our stepfamily home!! 

And here’s a tip for creating boundaries: not taking it personally. 

It is a healthy way to protect yourself in a lot of situations you may find yourself in as a step parent. And it helps you figure out where and how you want to expend your energy, as well as preserve your dignity and your heart.

It means understanding what issues are yours to take on and deal with  but more importantly, allowing your spouse the space and having faith in him to deal with his issues.

We as women tend to take a lot of stuff on. Especially the stuff we believe is our job.  But we also feel we have value and importance when we are taking care of our man.  We are nurturers by nature and a lot of us are pleasers by nature too.

We want our spouses to be happy. We take the team approach in marriage. And, we protect our spouses too, just like they protect us. Not taking it personally can be hard to do.  He hurts, we hurt and we want to fix it!

Recently, I’ve heard about some distressing stories in regard to  what I call Daddy Guilt. 

Daddy Guilt is common after a divorce where children are involved. These guilt trips can be particularly irksome when we believe our man is being manipulated and treated poorly by his own kids.

Sometimes you feel that, behind the scenes, the ex is the puppet master in this grande scheme of emotional blackmail.  And it appears that it is the insecurities, jealousy and agenda of the birthmom who transplants doubt in the minds of their children.

The threats, the manipulative words and the accusations – especially if you have your own children together:  “you love them more than you love me” “if you REALLY love me you will do/ buy..”   really twist the heart.

Several women shared that they had plans to take the children from their current marriage on a trip.

When the older children from the first marriage found out that they weren’t coming then the first class trip to Guiltville was booked. Another father was disparaged until he caved in  and payed for expensive yet optional dance recitals and trips to international competitions.

The nasty insults and insinuations cut them to the core- they already doubt themselves and doubt if they are being fair to everyone. 

That fear of not being fair is typical for the middle man because they often feel they can’t win.

It can be extremely painful for our men. It runs on the Parental Alienation Syndrome continuum. All a dad wants is for his kids to be happy, for them to know he’s there for them , that he loves them and that he has their back.

Sometimes they panic when the right button has been left exposed and then pushed…and they do a 180 degree turn on how they said they would handle a situation- to what it actually turns out to be.

How do we deal when we see our man disrespected and being dragged along Guilt Trip Road?

First of all, we CAN NOT take it personally because we want to jump in to protect them. Because of the guilt,  they want to please and pacify. They go to great lengths not to hurt their kids because they are in overcompensation mode: they think that the divorce was painful enough and maybe they can “fix this” by not hurting them anymore.

Side step it, take a time out, walk away, get some fresh air and a different perspective. This lesson is not yours. What we believe is an issue that he needs to deal with may not be a real problem for him at all.

If it is a problem for him be supportive but let him be in the driver’s seat.

Let him come to you to share his frustration and hurts, but don’t try to fix this because you can’t and shouldn’t! By trying to fix it for him, you undermine your faith in him that he can do this and you disempower him.

If he can’t deal, let him know he can ask you for help. You can, of course, tell him how this makes you feel and how it impacts you, but be careful. Perhaps the deepest part of the angst is best shared with friends and other stepmom sisters. It’s his journey with his kids. And if you push too far it might backfire. He may not want or need your advocacy for him. Again don’t take it personally if he does not want your help.

Find out if he has other support outside of you that he can talk to about this. Then, encourage him to reach out to them. It may be so frustrating for you that you can’t hear about it so encourage him to talk to some one else who can give him another perspective.

Then let him know that there are long term effects of Daddy Guilt.

If he doesn’t set limitations for his children he’s not doing them any favours in the grown up world. He has to teach them integrity and honesty and accountability…not about how to have a hissy fit and get your way. The two year old temper tantrums have to end.

Also, rules, limitations and consequences for choices and actions are part of the development of healthy self- discipline and self regulation. Limitations and consequences teach children that they are safe, loved and respected.  That teaches them responsibility and gives them self esteem and confidence to handle disappointments.  And those are the things they need for successful adulting.

My name is Ali Wilks (www.aliwilks.com)  and I have a BA in Psychology with a MSc in Human Ecology specializing in Family Studies and I am a certified stepfamily coach.

I have been working in Children’s Services since 1998 in Edmonton,  Alberta. I am currently a trainer on Edmonton’s Caregiver Training Unit providing classes for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents. These classes include building essential skills in raising children not born to them who present with special needs. I am a stepmother of 3 adult children (with a couple of grandkids too)  and the birthmother of 2 beautiful girls.

aliwilks@xplornet.ca

www.facebook.com/stepbystepmom/

twitter.com/ali_wilks

photo credit: unpacking [2] “i did some things… it went wrong…” via photopin (license)

When entering an already established family with children, remember the children may be very sensitive to their Mother or Father dating.

Children have gone through a very traumatic experience and the thought of someone coming into their home to replace the absent parent may take time for them to adjust to.

• Having someone come in and take their parents attention can make children quite defensive at first.  Be patient.

• It’s best not to try to hard to impress the children. Give them time to get to know you.

• Don’t ever try to replace the parent who has left.  They only want you to be their friend.  This way you will find that your relationship with their child should move along a lot smoother, but you may still have to work at it.  Remember they are still children, but broken ones.

• Try to be yourself at all times; they want to know you for who you are.

• Don’t try to impress them by buying things for them, let them see the real you.

• Don’t shut the child out because you want to get closer to their parent.  You knew before you entered the relationship that children were involved, so try to include them on some of your dates.  You may be surprised at how much fun you all have.

• 

  Respect that the child may want personal space with their biological parent.  If you honour the child’s request to give them time with their Mother or Father, they may not be so jealous of you having time with their Mummy or Daddy.

• Spend quality time alone with their children. Find out what sports they make like, or hobbies. Take time out to get to know them, and get into their world for a while.  If you reverse the situation for a minute you would want this for yourself wouldn’t you?

• Respect your new partners ex-spouse. This is very important for the child.  Don’t ever talk bad of their Mother or Father who is not living with them.  Sometimes it’s best to put yourself in their parent’s shoes to see how you would like it if they were talking like this about you?  If the child wants to talk to you about their Mother or Father just listen, but never talk badly of them even if the child does.  The next day the child will love them again.  A Child’s love for their parent is unconditional.

• Give the Children your full attention when they are talking to you. Eye to eye contact is very important.

Always remember to be patient with children you are getting to know. They are also trying to adjust to something they probably never thought they would have to go through.

Always remember, they are Children.

Karla’s journey started in 1998 and it is her life’s mission to reach families globally to tell them there is Hope after a Divorce and that these Children can go on to having a very fulfilled life and marriage. Karla is evidence of this.

Karla Lee has been married for 13yrs, and she has two little girls, Faith & Hope.

Karla’s Book “Please Don’t Go!” is her Life Story. It is raw and honest, and helps Parents see a Divorce totally from the Child’s Perspective with helpful tips. For teens & parents.

“Is It My Fault?” Karla Lee illustrated (4 short stories) to help younger children 3-12yrs understand what is happening in their home, whether a Parent is leaving or a potential Stepparent in entering their home.

For more information about Karla Lee or to purchase her books go to: www.karlalee.com