co-parenting after divorce - Page 5

There are so many stories from adult children of divorce who remember their parents’ divorce like it was yesterday.

Some talk about being let down over and over again by their fathers who would fail to turn up for scheduled visits.

Others will tell you about how their mothers brainwashed them into hating their other parent to the point where the false beliefs they held not only affected their spent time with their father but also took years to dispel.

You will find situations where the child’s life after divorce is indeed no better than when he lived with combative parents, the only difference now, is that she can sleep knowing that there will be no shouting matches to wake up to.  But every exchange time is almost a guarantee that an argument will erupt.

This then means that although your child is looking forward to seeing the other parent, the experience that precedes this union, is fraught with anxiety, fear and dread, emotions that can take a toll on your child over a period of time if persistently experienced.

It’s great when parents create a parenting plan that works for them and their little ones.  But, unfortunately, there are so many parents who believe that the creation of such a plan is enough to provide a secure and comfortable life for their children.

I wish it was but it isn’t enough.  The co-parenting plan is certainly a first step but in order for this to work successfully you have to continuously keep in mind that this plan is, first and foremost, for your child’s welfare and wellbeing.  It’s not about you.

All co-parenting arrangements are or should be about your children.

Co-parenting after divorce or separation needn’t be hell. No. It may not be easy but it needn’t be so.

If for one second you imagine the scenario from your child’s perspective, just take a moment and imagine what he is seeing and hearing, then you will learn just how terribly upsetting it is to hear the exchange of words, the doors slamming, the shouting, the name-calling etc.

If you, as the parent and adult, find yourself getting angry and emotional think what it might be doing to your child; same emotion, little body that doesn’t even have the maturity of managing difficult feelings and thoughts.

Children of divorced parents already have plenty to cope with, plenty to adjust to and at times plenty of emotions without the added anxiety gifted by their parents.

You are supposed to take that anxiety and fear away.  Not add to it.

You are supposed to help reconstruct the world for her. Not continue to disassemble it.

Co-parenting is such a wonderful thing. It is the best thing you can do for all children of divorce.  It’s shouldn’t be about point scoring. You can do that in other ways, in your own time and making yourself miserable if you must, without using your child as ammunition or holding him hostage.

When you arrive late to pick your daughter up or not turn up at all, what do you imagine she feels?  Surely she must feel something.  What do you think that is? If this happens over and over again, what do you imagine is going on for her?  What feelings or messages is she getting about how you feel about her?  Who do you imagine is hurting?  Why would you want to put her through that?  What’s so important that you decided not to turn up…again?  You?

When you take your son back at 8 o’clock on Sunday evening without having had any dinner and in dirty clothes, what do you think is going on in his mind?  He has been here before.

He knows mum is going to get angry and dad defensive.  Why? Because it’s Sunday evening, he has school tomorrow, but he will be going to bed at 9 or later after he has had a shower and dinner, preparation that you could have done for your child’s sake before taking him back home to start the week.

You’re child is not your priority at that time, you are.

Keep in mind that there is a physical reaction to every emotion and in a situation such as this, the physical reaction is not a positive one and you are the cause.

Joint custody can be hard. It can be extremely challenging especially where you are unfortunate enough to be co-parenting with a narcissist.

What I say to this is do your bit. Play your role as the supportive parent that you want to be. Have a support system where you can take your emotions, thoughts, anxieties and fears.

Just keep your child in mind no matter what. Create your own parenting plan that works for your family. Your child really has no one else.

Your marriage might be over yes, but your family isn’t. It has transformed, changed and it’s time to adjust to that and play along nicely.

About Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and Parenting Lives

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and the creator of the 4.6 rated online course Parenting after Separation

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

Making the leap from being married or in a committed relationship to life as a single parent takes a lot of bravery. Getting a divorce with children involved in the equation is certainly not an easy step, but one that needs to be taken for the wellbeing of both parents and children. This is what Barb decided to do after 14 years married to the father of her child.

After a long period of unhappiness in her relationship, North London-based mother of one Barb summoned up the courage to separate from her husband.

‘The decision to split was made in March 2011 and we were officially separated by June,’ says Barb. Shortly after they sold the family home and it was at this point that Barbara broke the news to her son, then aged 13.

‘I was the one who told my son, his father was in the room as well but he didn’t speak,’ Barb recalls. ‘Our son knew that his dad and I’s relationship wasn’t brilliant, he knew it was going to happen. There was a big build up.

‘I told him that the house had been sold and we would be moving. Shortly after, my son and I moved into rented accommodation.’

Once the dust had settled, Barb and her ex-husband still found it difficult to get along. ‘There is still friction between me and him.’

Making childcare arrangements was particularly hard as Barb’s ex-husband would only go through their son to make plans. ‘He would only text my son to make arrangements, but certain things needed to be discussed between us – the parents – first.

‘I felt like he was putting too much responsibility on our son. I don’t agree with this way of doing things as it puts a strain on communication.’

Money was another big issue for Barb: ‘I had to fight for £5 a week for child maintenance. Occasionally he would contribute towards school uniform but as time went on he got worse and worse.’

Face-to-face mediation sessions seemed like a great opportunity to iron-out the childcare issues, but as Barb points out, getting her ex-husband to agree to a session is easier said than done: ‘He doesn’t like the thought of any kind of authority being involved. He thinks he can sort out everything himself.’

When visiting The Parent Connection, Barb found that all the issues she was facing as a separated parent were covered in the articles section: ‘I found articles on housing issues and meeting new partners, which were all appropriate for me,’ says Barb. ‘But the how to manage disagreements article was the most helpful, given my situation with my ex.’

If you are going through a situation similar to Barb’s, you can obtain more resources and support on theParentConnection.org.uk

By Calum Ross, editor, theParentConnection.org.uk

The Parent Connection is a free information & advice service for separated parents, run by relationship support charity. In addition, The Parent Connection offers two free online programmes: Getting It Right For Children and Splitting Up? Put Kids First which help parents to deal with conflict without putting the children in the middle and create an online co-parenting plan.

Narcissists lack empathy so this makes co-parenting with a narcissist more challenging.

They do not have compassion, so only pretend to care for others, including family members and it’s very likely that their children become targets for their manipulation, since they are less likely to stand up to a parent.

The world revolves around the narcissistic person and this can include contact schedules and activities. Children are used as pawns during divorce to get a better financial gain or in retaliation against you.

Several eminent psychologists insist that contact between children and a narcissistic parent should be supervised.

Dr. Joseph Shannon of Ohio, who is an expert on personality disorders and does many conferences on this subject, is adamant about the need to set up supervised visitation to protect the children.

When I also asked if a narcissistic ex-spouse ever lets go of his ex-wife after divorce, he said “no.”

Throughout the UK, there are Children’s’ Contact Centres where the non-resident parent can spend time with their children in pleasant surroundings and they have trained volunteers who are in the centres to give any assistance, if needed.

In one case, when the older son turned eighteen, he stopped visitation and the younger one refused to continue. The younger brother met with the mediator that was appointed in the parenting plan, who then arranged supervised visitation.

A child may feel safer when contact is supervised and can begin to develop a better relationship with that parent. Or, like in this case, the supervisor verified the verbal and emotional abuse when reporting back to the mediator and the court terminated parental contact when the son absolutely refused to go.

Contact between children and a narcissistic parent can be more successful if shorter in duration and perhaps no overnights.

If the activities are mutually satisfying, such as participating in a sport or engrossing hobby, then the time spent together can be more enjoyable. They may like going to movies and concerts, which require less interactions.

Another strategy for pleasant contact is when visitation takes place at a family member’s or friend’s house. One narcissistic father with an alcohol problem, visits his young daughter at his own mother’s house. She spends one night a week there, often with cousins, and has dinner with dad. This arrangement is working out great and the narcissist is on his best behavior with his mum standing nearby.

Narcissistic Extension is when a parent tries to mold a child into someone whose achievements directly reflect back onto them. The parent expects to be praised regarding their offspring’s skills. The narcissistic parent sees the child as a part of themselves (extension).

A kid may be pushed into a sport that draws more attention and fame, than one that does not. One boy wanted to play baseball for his school’s team, but his father refused to give permission. Instead, the son was made to continue with martial arts that gave more recognition with publicized tournaments.

Some narcissistic mothers of youngsters in beauty pageants see their girls as extensions of them. They bask in the admiration that surround these awards.

A danger of having a narcissistic parent that controls a child, is that this child may go on to repeat this pattern in future relationships.

One young man who was involved with two brothers as roommates and friends, was manipulated, loaned money to them, and let them dictate his non-working time. Eventually he listened to concerned family and friends and got some short-term therapy.

Co-parenting with a clinically diagnosed narcissist is doable when one does not get caught in a power struggle.

Make sure the kids have support, whether with a therapist, divorce coach or trusted family friend.  Keep monitoring the situation to confirm contact with this parent is going okay.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Don’t forget to subscribe to our youtube channel www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk  today

Do you find yourself doing any of the following?  If so then you are most likely the toxic parent in the shared parenting relationship and will need to change things.

1. Try and make your children choose between your ex and you?
2. Withhold access because child support has not been paid?  Basically, hold your child hostage?
3. Ask your child questions about the other parent’s lifestyle, activities or relationships?  You may think they don’t realise what you’re doing but they do.  “I don’t like mummy/daddy asking me questions about daddy when I get home,” is a statement that has been uttered way too many times.
4. Discuss your personal problems with your child or with someone else but in their presence?
5. Make promises you don’t keep.  If you cannot make it, let them know.  If you cannot deliver, let them know.  That hurts much less than consistent disappointment.
6. Argue with the other parent in front of your child?
7. Put down the other parent in front of your child?
8. Physically harm, hurt the other parent in front of your child?
9. Use your child as a messenger or mediator?  Or rely on him/her to solve issues between you and your ex?

Well if you answered yes to any of the above questions then be aware that you are indeed not doing your child any good, to put it mildly.

Actually, I don’t know why I am trying to put it mildly, I will just say it as it is.  You, I’m afraid, are harming your child!

No one sets out to be the unreasonable or toxic parent.  I know that divorce can and does bring out the worst in people.

The problem is, when there are children and these super negative emotions override any common sense, empathy, sympathy etc that you may have previously held and you are consumed by thoughts of how to make your ex’s life hell, you are also hurting your little ones.

I’m an ardent believer in both parents remaining in their children’s lives post-divorce.  That right there is the greatest gift that you can give your children when you separate.  Unless of course, other serious underlying issues make it impossible or dangerous for the children to spend time with the other parent.

If you are doing any of the above, please stop.  It’s not fair on them and only you are benefiting from those actions, if at all.

Take advantage of my 30-minute complimentary session because, really, sometimes that’s all it takes.

How are you handling your co-parenting?  I would love to know.

Hugs.

About Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is a Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk